Sex With Emily - Two Girls, One Emily

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

On today's show, Dr. Emily is joined by Alice Vaughn & Yvette d'Entremont from “Two Girls, One Mic: The Porncast” to talk about the funnier sides of porn and the true entertainment aspects of it all. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions.They talk about why porn can be great, when it’s too much, what you should be bringing into the bedroom, and what should stay on the screen, as well as the plot holes from porn parodies. Plus, Emily gives advice on what to do when Instagram is causing recurring problems in your relationship and how to get people to stop putting you on a pedestal when you’re dating.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Alice & Yvette, visit https://www.twogirlsonemic.com//For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Pornaling is, Pornaling is as well, oh, how you do oral porn. It's basically, exactly, it's oral and porn. It's where you're kind of touching it with your tongue from a distance.

It's all for the camera. It's not going to help get anyone off. It's terrible education. Please don't do it. I mean, if you're going to do it, just put your face in there. If you can't breathe, you're doing it right.

Right. Exactly. Go all the way in. Exactly. If you are a respirating drops of pussy, you're doing it correctly. Right. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Bacter Emily and on Today's show I'm joined by Alice Vaughn and Ivet Don Tramont from Two Girls, One Mic. The porn cast, talk about the funnier sides of porn and the true entertainment aspects of it all. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, why porn can be great, when it's too much, what we should be bringing into the bedroom, and what should stay on the screen. The plot holes that porn parodies leave us with, why Instagram is causing recurring problems in your relationship, and how to get people to

stop putting you on a pedestal when you're casually dating. All this and more, thanks for listening. My man, he here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got every stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, social media, sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. For each show, let's start off by setting an intention.

I encourage you to do the same, because I do it as well. So when you're listening right now, think about it. Like, what do I want to get out of listening to this episode of Sex with Emily and how it could help you? It could be, oh, I've always wondered if porn is good or bad for me and what is a porn plot hole. Or I'm not sure how I even feel about porn. This could be an interesting perspective.

My intentions for the show is to show you that porn doesn't have to be super scary or serious and there are actually healthy ways to incorporate it into your sex life. Enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guests. We have quite a tap at the end of you. I have so many questions. Alice, Vaughn, and Yvette, don't you want? Indeed.

Oh, press. They have a podcast called Two Girls One Mike. And it discuss all the storylines and plot holes, which did you guys make up plot holes? Well, someone has to review the holes and the plot holes of everyone's favorite porn. Right? Exactly.

Look, there's so many continuity errors, and this distracts me from my orgasm, and people need to know about it. Exactly, like the sheets were not that color, they, or whatever happened, it was folded over, there wasn't a pillow. So, look, I can suspend disbelief that somebody is going to bang the plumber,

but I can't suspend disbelief that they're gonna do it on a certain set of sheets. You know, like I need, I need consistency. Okay, so sometimes I wanna know how much did the subway tile cost in the bathroom? It's not my fault, they have fantastic grout work. Right, exactly, right, those are the things you're like, this is not believable, you want to believe you're porn,

but how did you both get into this? I mean, you have a successful podcast about just this subject. So there's a, so we took a joke too far, basically, is the whole story behind this. So my main thing is I'm a science communicator. I tell people when something is completely, I wait, am I allowed to swear?

Yes. Cool, awesome. I tell people they're full of shit for a living, basically. It's great work if you can get it. And I was doing a talk on bad science in the movies and why bad science in the movies is apps that's fucking lootly fine. Because we're not going to get a lesson on quantum physics

from the Avengers. We're going to watch Tony Spark have homoerotic banter with Captain America. And then I said, making fun of the bad, or the bad science in sci-fi movies is like making fun of the plot lines in a porno. You take it out and you're still gonna get what you went in there for.

And then I was like, wait, Neil deGrasse and makes fun of these all the time. And there's a career in it. Maybe we could make fun of the plot lines in porno's. And Alice is incapable of not running with an idea. Look, she told me it. I said, this is a great idea. 12 days later, we had a show.

Really? She's a force of nature. Okay, I love that. You guys have been friends for a while. You such great chemistry together. It's, she's my heterolife mate. Oh, I love that. Good.

I'm also the same, I approach my relationships the same exact way I say, I want that, I get it. I'm not even kidding you. So she was killing someone's career on the internet which was I I Know I take no credit. I just I say their bad behavior killed their career I just let people know about it in a way that involves jokes So she was while she was doing that I was reading one of her articles

I think it was the first one that blew up Why the food baby's full of bullshit? Or food baby. Why the food baby bloggers full of shit? Go read it. You'll enjoy it or you'll hate me whichever Okay, but I read that said she's my new friend. We became friends It just reached out turns and okay, but she found me at a conference like two years later And was just like I'm pulling you into my girl's circle And it worked out. What do you guys live? Do you live here? Do you live near to Minchent? Los Angeles? New Yorker town. Oh, okay. Oh, so you do the podcast like a virtually. Right, I had to do that for

a while. That's really cool. Okay, but tell me about this. You guys like what, so what is the podcast? How do you explain this? You watch porn. Do you pick like a topic every week? Like yeah, about porn. So give us an example, because people like a plot hole are like, there are a few different formats that we use, depending on who we're interviewing. And sometimes we have, we'll have either a comedian or a porn star on, and they will review a porn with us.

And then sometimes we'll have someone from the industry, someone who's in porn, someone who's from behind the scenes, and we'll just interview them. So there are a couple different ways we go with it, but the main thing that we love doing is taking a porn that we love, a parody porn, and just, and having fun comparing it to the original and finding little things that we can just porn. Like, I mean, part of this was Alice and I are the type of people who will see something in a porn that distracts us because it's funny and we'll say it and are, at least with me, my partner would be like, baby, the mood. But you're not. That's the real opinion. I mean, my thing is that you're like, that's not real. Because a lot of it isn't real.

I go out and talk about how I get that pornist titillating. It's great for, to get you in the mood. You can even learn some things. But a lot of what we see in porn just isn't accurate. It isn't true. But you guys aren't even getting into the, like, that part of it. Are you saying, like, he's, I used to be like, he's nowhere near her clitoris. Like, there like no way

She's having a little week about that. No, okay, the term pornolinguist right pornolinguist. No We were so much now we were enlightened to that one for Nina Hartley I believe oh love Nina. Oh my god. Okay. She's been dying love for her. I know Pornolinguist is what oh how you do oral porn. It's basically, exactly. It's oral and porn. It's where you're kind of touching it with your tongue from a distance. It's all for the camera. It's not going to help get anyone off.

It's terrible education. Please don't do it. I mean, if you're going to do it, just put your face in there. If you can't breathe, you're doing it right. Exactly. Go all the way in. Exactly. If you are a respirating drops of pussy, you're doing it correctly. Right.

So we have professionals like Nina on. We've had Lisa Ann. We've had people who are master patient coaches to foot fetish and have experts. We had an expert researcher on recently. Yeah, it was wonderful. But what did you guys learn? So what do we need to know?

It's so much. We talk a lot about sex and porn addiction, which, according to her research, porn addiction really isn't a thing, which seems to be in line with the other things I'd read, but hearing it from a researcher as opposed to, you know, groping on the internet and trying to find whatever, you know, seems true. It was wonderful having an expert on it. That's what we love doing, is we bring in, you know, people from all over the place that

are willing to come on a porn cast. Okay, yeah. No, I love it. So porn addiction, I mean, that's interesting because I do feel that. Listen, we all know when an addiction is taking over our life. Oh, you're right. There are consequences. Like, I feel like it's, I don't know if the state's an addiction, but if people are watching

so much porn and then they can no longer get it up, but their partner can't maintain erections or have orgasms or whatever it is and they can't even win their with a real human. They're just in their head fantasizing and it becomes problematic. Then maybe you scale back on the porn, but I'm not here to throw labels on it. That said, you're never going to watch enough porn where you can't pay the rent. So as you know, most of the most addictions. Most addictions. But putting you, what if you are so addicted that you can't get to work in the morning?

Or, you know, from like watching porn. So I worked, I briefly briefly I'm not proud of this But I briefly worked for the United States government It's so at the that there was one guy at the office who they just knew as porno Bob And I guess he he'd been fired before I worked there because indeed there were just always like camgirls up on a screen And I'm like how then they're like yeah took a while ago I'm like it took a while It like, yeah, it took a while. I'm like, it took a while. It took a while.

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you're in a half hour. So like, I mean, I haven't watched that much porn. Like what's new, what's exciting? What do we need to know? The biggest eye-opener to me is that the women are coming more than I expected. For real and porn, they're coming. I thought that- I hear they're not. See, for me, I heard, I thought out of it What do we need to know the biggest eye opener to me is that the women are coming more than I expected I Were real and more in their coming. I thought that I hear their name see for me

I heard I thought out of it. That's wait less I expected that they were all fake so when I found it that like any like fine Look finding out that mom well Ferraris dick is apparently the orgasm bringer that was that was enlightening I really that made me happy was when he and Kate and Cross get together, Angel Singh, Jesus Hugs a Kitten. Yeah. Okay, wait, you guys, I'm talking to Allison Evette from the Two Girls One

Mike podcast. You can also find the information to their podcast and their social media on our website. If you go to sexelmy.com, sexwithelmy.com, everything we talk about on the show is available in the show notes at the top of the page. What about mainstream porn and ethically made porn? What do you think about that difference? Because I'm always like, well, some people was like, oh, I wanted to porn,

but it was so disturbing. I want to find porn that feels good to me. So what have you guys found? So people always ask us, well, where can I find ethical porn? Well, here's a thing. People aren't forced into porn. So what I mean by that is you'll have people who, okay, here's a thing, people aren't forced into porn. So what I mean by that is you'll have people who, okay, here's a thing when it comes to LA. Just like in any other gig and show business, there's not gonna be a lot of spots open. So you know what, if someone's being cast for a specific porn, they have to be able to do the job.

And if you don't wanna be there, it's gonna show. And if you can't do the job, there's gonna be someone else in in our girl or guy who's lined up to do that instead. So I ask people, hey, Alice, where can I find ethically made porn? Well, if it's film chances are, you know, something professionally made, it's ethically made. The actors are going to be treated well on set. I mean, nowadays you can't get away, especially with social media, everybody talking to each

other. You can't really get away with abusing your co-stars or being a jerk on set. You're just not going to get hired again. Yeah. And the other thing we tell people is, if you want to make sure that this is ethically sourced, that the person who is in it was treated well, enjoy what they're doing, wants to be there, go check out, find someone who's worked you enjoy, go to their only fans. Pay for your porn. Make sure that you're interacting with them in a way that doesn't seem gross

and CD and dishonest. It's like, you can tell that someone is making it ethically if it's on their own page. At least that's the way I look at it. What have you learned porn for your own use? There's things that you love, and I like, at least that's the way I look at it. So, what have you learned porn for your own use? Like are there things that you love? And I like, if I watch another gang bang, I'm just done. We can't, you know, we gotta change the name of the podcast. I would never say no to another gang bang. What kind of a girl do you take me for? It's sometimes I'm like, okay, sex toys, I have so many of them to try.

Like, you know, sometimes I'm like, I can't tonight. So, I think the weird thing that people would not expect is that we can can we regularly skip watching the sex when we're reviewing the movies. Like if they're like I'll watch every time someone stays in character. But if I you know if it's just Gonzo porn for the rest of it, then I'm like I've seen this. So we're going into the plot holes. Oh yeah. Going into the plot. You're going into the narrative. Like one of the ones that we we loved like the big Lebowski triple X was great. FAP to the future was one of my,

FAP to the future. I will eternally have a soft spot in my heart or a hard spot in my metaphorical dick for Michael Vegas because of that. It was like half plot and then half, like it wasn't just sex, they were making love. It was a good, like, it was a good,

there was making out and slowly taking off clothing and then there was banging the shit out of each other. But still, like, it was a hysterically scripted thing and then there was good sex. That's exactly what I want in something we review. So I actually watched and was entertained by all of it. And that's what we look for. Do you both agree on what's good sex, though?

Because I think that's so subjective. It really is subjective. We find that a lot of people, not only us, but a lot of people are, and studios are, are realizing this as well. They're hiring actors who have more chemistry, who are more into each other, where it's more natural. I mean, you're going to have plenty of studios who do something that's just very niche. But nowadays, the mainstream crowd we find is going towards, you know what, I want to see the people boning are into each other.

You know, believe it or not, there's actually the guys, the people who make porn are not married or in relationships. They probably have not held hands prior to that day. Right, exactly. No, you're right, you're right. People think that they, but they wanna believe it. It's like you can go into a movie at the theater.

You're like, I wanna believe that they were really in love. I was like, oh, I wanna let you go, I'm Bradley Cooper to fall in love. Like we want that to oh, I want Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to fall in love. Like, we want that to be real. It's like, it's like, it's see that important. It was like, after watching them at the award, so I'm just saying, maybe they were. But like, you know, I want to think that they were

at least enjoying their day at the office. Like, you never, like, I think it was the adventure. It was one of many Avengers parodies that we watched that there was just an actor that looked like they were bored, slash waiting for the scene to be over slash slightly Uncomfortable and not in that fun uncomfortable way that you have sex sometimes but like in that uncomfortable like this is unpleasant And I don't want to be and then like that who wants to watch that who wants to you know who's gonna get off to someone being like I'm bored Like that's not my thing. Yeah, I think that's so he'll just like kind of fast forward to the sex part but you guys are really

Taking it seriously. Yeah, I'm just saying so you just like kind of fast forward to the sex part, but you guys are really taking it seriously. Yeah, I'm just saying. So you've watched Pee Wee Herman's big adventure, right? Yeah. Okay. Watch Pee Wee Herman's triple X adventure to first five minutes. No sex at all. It is a scene by scene recreation by Tommy Pistole in the most perfect Pee Wee Herman down to the left. He just died. I can't. I'm amazingly well. I mean, he does kind of disappear into characters. So, like, if people don't think they're acting in porn, watch anything with Tommy Pistol or Evan Stone.

Like, just watch it. They could easily make it and make it. It's really fun. Yeah, you really are just having a good time with porn. Oh my god, yes. And we've learned to love the people within the industry and they've been so welcoming, which is the best part. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's shocking that people are nice to you if you treat them like human beings as they deserve to be freaking treated.

Like I think it's kind of shocking that we bring people on and they're not like and we're I think people are surprised that we're not asking Tadry questions when we bring them on and that's what I would do. Like Tadry will tell me what you've learned on your body. I mean, are you ever having orgasm? Like I kind do. I would talk to them and be like, tell me what you've learned. Are you in your body? Are you having orgasm? I'm kind of like about the art and the light. And was that really your ejaculate? I like to say that we're the porn cast that your grandmother would listen to, because we find we use kind of porn as a launching off place for a lot of comedy and a lot of discussions.

And I think there's a lot of comedy and a lot of conversation. How do your parents dealt with what you're doing or your family for friends? I've disappointed them for the last 20 years, so it's okay. My mother is curious. I get asked all the time and I'm like, ah, my mother is very proud. I love it. My father doesn't know I'm alive, so that's fine. Or maybe he does, who knows.

Hi, daddy's fuck off. Is it for her? Look, I'm just saying, I have a career because of daddy issues, I'm fine with it. Yeah, I think a lot of us do, right? Yeah. Whatever it is. Hi, dad. lot of us do, right? Yeah. Whatever it is. Dad, thank you for dad, for bad dads. What do you guys think about porn?

Like, do you really still watch in your relationships right now? Yeah. You should think it's good for couples. Oh, yeah. I think in many ways, couples are always, it's or anything you'd recommend, like anything that you saw that was like surprising to you, you're like, I can't, they got theme or things that were like a trending and porn that has shifted.

I mean, I don't, I don't watch enough. I don't look at it like you do in those ways Well, we're all waiting for the focess to stop. Oh my god. So what the Fossess I don't I could brother step. Oh I could die happy. I could die happy if there wasn't another single step mother step whatever seen It's like that is big. We had a wonderful guest in our show Steve Yeah, then who suggested the reason they did all those is because, well, it's a really convenient way to have two people in a house.

I'm like, has the myth of the plumber died? Has the myth of being the plumber died? Where is the pizza boy when you need him? Right, exactly. We have other ways to get someone to a house. We don't need the sister to bring the fake sister bring the pizza. And maybe it's just that I didn't,

maybe it's just that I didn't have any step siblings, but I just don't see the appeal in, in it a I don't know. I know I know what's funny is whenever our friends Sean, he's now taken over to do produce some of this process stuff or studio. So we were talking about this. I said, all right, well, now since you've stepped up to the plate and they're going to be now producing and directing this type of content, I have some ideas. So for example, I mean, a vet mentioned the plumber. Why can't we just have a plumber go to a woman's house?

She's incessantly hitting on him. And very little clothing. Very little clothing. But he doesn't have sex with her. Instead, he goes home and he's very loyal and has sex with his step sister. Why not? Who is that?

Right. Who is that on his head? I love the way you're thinking about this. Tying it all together. We need some more. You're awesome. M-Night Shyamalan like plots and porn. I think you guys could do this.

The dick was hard the whole time. Yeah, it was a real dick. It was a real turn on. It was not a ghost dick. Okay. Arthur, would have you learned about that? Presetic Dicks. I would about that? Presetic Dicks. I would say dick.

Presetic Dicks. How we learned that? We have learned so much about fake. Come, less about prosthetic Dicks. Come, how do you make the fake come? There's a number of recipes. There are. I know which one about the most.

I feel like a lot of it's fake. Because a lot of men call in and they're like, oh, mine wasn't, and my cave was poor and it wasn't real. Yeah, I think a lot of other films aren't real. Okay, you guys, I've got to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests are cookie questions Okay, no strut. Hey biggest turn on each one of you can answer Being tied up and being powerless. Oh

Double penetration. Okay biggest turn off Um a guy asking me to do what I want with him Bad smell. Okay. What makes good sex? A guy asking me to do what I want with him. That's not. Okay. What makes good sex? Communication. Lots of blue. And willingness to try new things.

Okay. Something you would tell yourself about sex and relationships. Fucking talk to the guy. Tell him where your clitoris is. Exactly. Right. Lots of communication. Just ask for what you want.

Number one, sex tip. Don't be so afraid of your body. Talk to your partner and try new things, but also use more loop. And also use anal. Do anal, do the thing, with the loop. Do the anal, I love it. Thank you, Alvin.

Just an event, two girls, one mic. They can find your podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts. Yes. We got your social media. We have it all at RationalBlond and at the side-babe. We'll have this on our show notes. Thank you for being here. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back

when we get into your email questions. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ All right, guys, I love answering your questions. That's why I'm here on the planet. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to sexwithelm.com, click Ask Emily tab, fill out the form, or email us feedback at sexwithelm.com, but always, always, always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys.

Okay, producer Jamie, you want to read the email? Indeed. This first one comes to us from Ivan 31 in California. Hello, Dr. Emily. I've got an issue that's looming over my relationship for the past year regarding my girlfriend's take on my social media. Since we've started dating, my girlfriend has called me out

and had issues with the number of Instagram models, slash influencers I follow because it quote, hurts her hideous and repulsive to her end quote. She's asked that I reduce the number of follows or completely get rid of and unfollow all of those types of accounts a few times now. I've complied, but the same fight keeps coming back. I respect her views, but in my eyes,

the occasional like isn't harmful or worth breaking a relationship over. Can you give me your take on this, Emily? I really love my girlfriend and want to be with her, but the same old fight is getting to be too much. All right, Ivan, this is such a great, timely question because I think a lot of people are going through this right now because in social media, we can totally track what our partners are doing and sometimes it doesn't feel great. So what I have to say about this is that it sounds like this

is a deeper issue. It's not just about Instagram. It's about her own insecurities in the relationship, her ability to trust. This could have come from a past relationship. Maybe somebody cheated on her. Maybe she's had some insecurity issues about her own the way she looks and the way she comes across. Maybe her parents cheated on each other and there's just no trust. So I would get more information about where she thinks this is coming from, the source of it, because I feel like in these situations, you can reassure her all you want, but even if you stopped following all the Instagram models, there's gonna be something else, like why'd you become friends with this woman you work with, this she cute, you know? So I think that it's really about her own challenges, her own insecurities,

and that it's about a her own challenges, her own insecurities, and that it's about a deeper challenge in the relationship. Because if you're telling me that you actually have no one, you're just like, yeah, I like looking at these girls. I like liking their photos, but I am so deeply committed to my relationship and the intimacy and working on it from a very trusting, loving standpoint and growing together. And she's my person. Then there really isn't anything for her to be jealous about if you haven't done anything to lead her down that path.

So just have some healthy conversations with her. And again, from a open, without this conversation, not like the next time she yells at you, for following, say, I think we have to talk about this because I want this relationship to go the distance. I want to work on the strength of our commitment and let's just talk about it. Tell me more about these feelings and be curious and be open without judgment and without shaming her or blaming her. Do you think sometimes when people are forced to, not force, but more so, like ask these

follow-up questions, like, oh, so tell me why, like, why does this give you so much pause or why do you think it's so hideous that they haven't even really deeply thought about it? Thank you for bringing that up, because you're like, I just feel that way. I just know, every guy, you're just gross. The guys love girls and bathing suits, and it's just a waste of time. Like you're not like getting,

you didn't get a bonus at work this year, so you're wasting time on Instagram. Let's just roleplay this. Then what I would tell, I've been to do it this year, is like, okay, no baby, you're saying, but I just really want to know, like can we go a little bit deeper? Just let me know.

You know that I love you. I'm not cheating. I just really want to know. Like, can we go a little bit deeper? Just let me know. You know that I love you. I'm not cheating. I don't want to be with anybody. You know, I'm just an American male, looking at stuff on Instagram, but I really want to know, because I want to help you, because it gives you so much suffering, baby.

And I don't want you to suffer. So maybe could you tell me, when was a time in your life where you, someone broke your trust? When were you hurt in this way? When did you feel less than? Let's go through it. Can you figure it out? And then just keep taking it back to that. Keep that you want to help her. You want to figure it out. You want to and see how that goes. And again, it might have happened during one conversation. But if you can just be calm and this is a practice,

you guys sex is a practice. Communication is a practice. I'm gonna give you some answers, and I'm gonna have to go down a path and start, but it's really going back to your center and saying, all right, I'm gonna have to be calm. I just lost my shit here. I yelled back at her, and then you can take it back, take a few deep breaths and say, I'm sorry, let me just listen.

I really wanna hear more about this and then help her get there. Because you're right, a lot of people probably haven't thought about it before, but this is the work we have to do when something is triggering us, investigate. When was the first time it happened? When was the last time it happened?

When was the most intense time it happened in my life that someone cheated on me or I felt distressed, and that's how we can get to the roots of it. Okay, this next one comes to us from Adam, who is 38 in Oregon. Hi, Dr. Emily. After a 14-year-long monogamous marriage, I find myself a bit out of touch with the new rules of dating and relationships. Thank you for your incredibly open and direct information.

I've started exploring the possibilities of being in a non-monogamous relationship, but I've found it very difficult to navigate. My main concern is, what is the difference, or at least, how to navigate the difference between non-monogamy and casual sex? I have long-standing evidence that I can love more than one person, and my love language is are mostly giving gifts. I want to love everyone I meet and give slash provide for everyone. While casual sex becomes the default single person in their 20s and 30s type

of relationship, read one nightstand, I prefer to have the relationship aspect of non-monogamy or maybe polyamory. Again, thank you for all the wisdom and information you share as well as the laughs and joy of spread. Lovingly forever, hope was romantic Adam. Oh Adam, thank you so much. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show and get some laughs. Okay, so this is such a great timey question as well because listen, things time they are changing and you are in a long monogamous relationship and now you're like meeting people and realizing like, I don't want to just have casual sex.

I actually want to see these people again and several people. And I think a lot of us, many people can actually love many people or have relationship with many people, but it's not for everybody. So in order to like kinda, let me walk this through with you because I think that you get to decide,

you get to make your own rules, but typically, nomenogamy is sort of the umbrella term. this through with you because I think that you get to decide you get to make your own rules, but typically nomenogamy is sort of the umbrella term. And that's when you are committed to somebody, but you have an understanding that you are both sleeping with other people or date other people, but you're not going to commit to that. Maybe that includes like we're swinging or we're, you know, we're just seeing people when we're traveling,

but we don't see them often, or maybe it's three sums and stuff like that, but there's not like a commitment, there's not an ongoing relationship. Pelliermory, you Pelliermory has a lot of different facets to it, but typically you do have a primary partner in Pelliermory and maybe you live with them or maybe they're just the one person that is your go-to

and then you have other partners that you also see that you might have commitments to, but it's like, I see them once a month. I, but this is my primary person. Like if something happens, I call them and everyone typically knows about everyone else and everybody else is polyamorous. Or you know, there are people who are, I'm not saying

everyone else is polyamorous because you get to make your own rules. There might be people who are only dating you and they're okay that you are polyamorous. But typically that's what polyamory is. There's also like solo poly, which sounds like that's something that maybe you might be doing right now while you're figuring it out. You're meeting several women and you're enjoying spending time with them. And perhaps there's not like a status thing where there's one that you're

seeing more than the next. You're just sort of figuring it out. And with casual sex and dating, I feel like that's what a lot of us are doing and we're not actually talking about it so people end up getting hurt. You know, with casual sex and dating, you're not really committed to anybody. But I believe that we should all be open and upfront, that we are dating more than one person and actually sleeping with more than one person. And I think the more we all do that, the more we'll be equipped, the more we'll be to deal with these kind of situations because I think that we should never assume that if we've gone on a date or three days with somebody that they're not dating other people

I assume they are like why would you've just met me and we've been out twice and you're not dating or sleeping with other people And then I think that's when you can have a conversation and say so what are you looking for? Here's where I'm at right now right now. I'm looking to spend time with people Few times a week once a week and having a sexual relationship, I practice safe sex, but I'm not looking for a monogamy right now. This is what I'm about, what are you about? And yeah, there might be some people who can't take that,

and that's not in their constitution, and that's okay, but I think that you're more likely to have relationships that can be more nourishing and be kind of more what you're looking for. So I think if you're honest and you state what you're looking for, you know, you'll find people that are okay with it. It'll be surprised to find that people are okay with it.

And honesty, I think is the best policy here. We're always so scared to be so honest. When people are like, they mean think people get mad at it, it's just a lie. Exactly. People are mostly okay with what we tell them. And the people who aren't, aren't your people because, listen, Adam, you know yourself. You were married for 14 years.

You're a 38-year-old man. You know that you can love many. That's not for everybody. And in fact, the people who can't are the people who are only monogamous will might say things and think you're wrong. But you know, we all get to decide. So the fact that you know yourself means that you're not willing to give up on what you know that you need.

So you just got to be honest and fight for it. Okay, this next one and last one is cones from Emily, 21 and Ontario. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've been in a few relationships and I found that guys fall for me a lot quicker than I do for them, a little too quickly actually. I think what's

happening is that they're mistaking their infatuation with feelings of love. Because of this, they put me on a pedestal very early on in our relationship. It's frustrating because as a human, I'm very flawed. So after that initial wave of infatuation, I can do nothing but disappoint them. What are your thoughts on this? Is it common for men to fall for or think they're falling for? Someone a lot quicker than women? What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen in future relationships? Okay, Emily, this is a great question. And when I read it, I thought about you. I feel like I was you at 21, Emily.

I was a 21-year-old, Emily, in this very position. And I feel like many men would always fall for me. And I felt that I was never able to return their love and their fetuation and there was many of them. And I remember saying to my friends, and even to the guys sometimes, I wish I could return what you're feeling, but I just don't feel that yet. But I like that you're very sure of yourself

and you're probably intriguing to them and the fact that you don't fall for them could also be what's appealing. And so I feel like that the key thing here is this comment, I don't know if this is common for everyone, but it sounds like whatever you're bringing out there, you know, you're very like, luring and smart, and maybe you're saying,

I don't want a relationship, or I'm just kind of figuring myself out right now, that could be very appealing. I was a very independent 21 year old. My agenda was about succeeding in the world and making a change and making difference. And when I dated guys, I was like, yeah, this is fun, but I'm not looking for anything serious and maybe they're not.

I don't know if that's how you're presenting, but that could be part of it. But all I can tell you, if I could go back right now and I had the skills that I had, I would just be more direct and let them know that you want to move slowly in relationships. And that you're not ready to jump into anything. But what I want to say here is I want to go back to something because you said after that initial wave and fetched infatuation, I can do nothing but disappoint them. So what I'm hearing here is that you're saying,

I'm frustrating because as a human, I'm very flawed. We are all flawed. Everybody is flawed. So I think what you're saying is maybe they're falling in love with you because you're exciting and you're beautiful and you're all these things and they don't see your deep dark, however you perceive as flawed. And so I understand that as well because I still, you know, we all feel flawed.

So maybe there's like a part of you that still has to work on loving yourself and feeling like you, you know, because like I said, we are all flawed, but what kind of work do you need to do to feel that you are worthy of love? And that you are worthy of all this, you know, attention from men and stuff like that and that you're in a place where you actually want to return it. And you're 21 years old, so this is still a journey. So either take a break from dating right now

or let the guys know that you're dating, that you're actually not looking for anything serious. I found that the more vulnerable I am and I lay out, you know, not like right away, but if I feel there's room for it, I'll say, this is what I'm struggling with and this is vulnerable I am. And I lay out, you know, not like right away, but if I feel there's room for it, I'll say this is what I'm struggling with. And this is who I am. And so you don't feel like there's a duality,

like they're just falling in love with the superficial Emily, and they don't really know who I am in my core. And I think that's how you really get to know people. And you get to, you know, but then sometimes guys, Jamie, they fall in love with your vulnerabilities too. So.

It's really hard. It's like, do you keep stuff more locked up and be mysterious or do you let it all out? And then they love you for being so open. It's like, I don't know. I've played all of those cards and it was never the thing for me. It was never conscious. It was just like, I love that you love me, but I'm so stressed about work. And I mean, it was pretty much probably the same as I am now.

In many ways, in the sense of like, I really wanted you to create my job and I care so much about work and I was pretty much probably the same as I am now in many ways in the sense of like, I really wanted you to grade at my job and I care so much about my friends and I'm trying to keep up with everybody and maybe the fact that I wasn't singly focused on them is what made it appealing and maybe there's some of that in Emily. But all I can say is that it's okay to feel flawed and I just say I'm going to say this to everybody listening, especially in your 20s, like do your work, figure out who you are and don't go along with men who, what I did Emily, is I used to be like, this one really loves me, and it felt really good for a while,

and it felt safe until it didn't, and I felt like I kinda got talked into relationships, and I realized that I wish if I could go back, I would've taken more time to be without a relationship in my 20s. I kept, I was a serial monogamous, and so that's how I recommend you, Emily. Keep doing you. So that was therapy to my younger self. Thank kept, I was a serial monogamous. So that's how I recommend you Emily. Keep

doing you. That was therapy to my younger self. Thank you for supporting the show. If you think a friend would enjoy this episode, share it with them right now. We all need to learn, right? We all need better sex. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alissa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.