Sex With Emily - Ultimate Guide to O

Episode Date: October 6, 2011

Emily talks with Mikaya Heart, author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, all about orgasms including: being in your body during sex, observing your energy flow to reach orgasm, using a vibrator during intercourse, why goal oriented sex doesn't work, the biggest relationship killer, G-spot orgasms, why shallow sex can be better for women, focusing on your body during sex, the "elusive" orgasm, female ejaculation, mixing up your sexual repertoire, multiple orgasms, and hanging out in the "golden light" after orgasm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man of specify sex Eyes that block our sacred institutions Betrified they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got to understand it's a my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I want to hear a sound. Oh my god. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information about sex with Emily, go to sexwithemily.com where it's really your place to go for all sex information. So, and thanks everyone for watching this show live right now, we appreciate it. It's great to see you, have a nice day.

Hope you're having a great day. Today is a great day for me, for several reasons. Why is that? Tonight is my book launch in San Francisco. If you can see on camera right here, I'm holding up my book. It's called Hot Sex, over 200 things you can try tonight I'm having a party in San Francisco from six to eight o'clock at good vibrations on mission street across from

Bluemondells if you want to swing by I've also got two parties in LA next week If you go to my sex with Emily Facebook page you can get all the information on that so become like my page and Join me on Twitter, section of Emily. Sweet, I don't have the dress up, do I? No, just come like that. Can I just dress? Yes, honey. What are you gonna wear?

I've never seen you dress up, so for me to say yes, you should get dressed up, I think would be a challenge for you. It's possible for me to dress up. Oh, you have like a suit or something? A tuxedo? A zoot suit that I wear sometimes? What would you wear as a dress up thing? No, I used to really dress up all the time. Right, you used to wear the Nade in

the 90s? No, not too long. No, I know. How do you always look nice? It's your look. You've got to look. Just go with your look. I just don't like. I don't like me. I don't like being underdressed. Honey, it's not fancy. It's a good vibration. I'm the under, I'm the underdressed guy. I don't want to be the underdressed guy. No one's going to be dressed up. Okay. It's going to be San Francisco. We're all casual here.

It's a very casual town. No one cares where you are. Just come as you are. Cool. I just want to see you there. I want to see your face and I'll sign a copy of the book for you. Oh nice. Yeah, absolutely.

So I'm really excited about that. And I'm beyond excited about my guest sitting here next to me is Macchaya Hart. And she wrote a book called The Ultimate Guide to orgasm for women. I'm also holding this up so you can check it out on the camera. The ultimate guide, we are talking about everything to do with orgasms today from,

do women fake orgasms, why women fake it, what's the most common reason women have trouble with orgasms, there's different kinds of orgasms. We're gonna talk about female ejaculation. Can you have great sex without orgasms? I mean, I'm telling you, it's like orgasm central here today. And I'm really excited. So we're going to be talking to her in a few minutes. She's also going to help me answer some of your emails that you wrote to feedback at sexwithentley.com. We've got some orgasm challenge questions that she's going to answer,

which feels really good to me. Awesome. She's the expert. We have a lot of orgasm challenges. We do. Personally, too, but that's, I don't know if I'll get into my own stuff, but we can talk about that. So I'm excited about that, and you can call us if you want, 415-9927392 is our Skype, and you can always leave us a message there. And we will play your message.

You can comments, questions, what you think about the show. 415-9927-392. Sometimes we lead the Skype on by accident, and the message when I walked in the studio today it says it was from somebody and it said, I have something long for you. Oh my god. What do they were suggesting about? What do you think they were referring to? Oh, I see. It's weird, something long. Maybe a long conversation, that's what you love. Exactly, I love long. I just want to talk forever. I hate peanuts. That is weird. Maybe a long conversation. That's what you love. Exactly. I love long. I just want to talk forever. I could talk forever. And tomorrow's show, I'm so excited. It's our free Friday show. So anyone can listen to it. And the co-author of my

book, Jamie Waxman's going to be on the show. And we're going to go through my book over 200 things, Todd Sex over 200 things you can try tonight. She's taught a ton of courses on it. And she's pretty amazing and you're gonna love her and we're gonna have so much fun tomorrow. I'm very excited about it. Aren't you? I'm super delirious today. I'm just guaranteeing you right now that I'm gonna be super funny. One, tomorrow today. Okay, funny hot laughing at you are with you. Yeah, no, I, I mean what did you do yesterday? Yesterday, I hate when you asked me that because my mind goes blank. I think I just worked.

Oh, I got my haircut. Yeah, thanks for noticing. I got my haircut and I worked a little bit. I had to work on the book, the book party for tonight, stuff like that. I didn't do anything like crazy. What'd you do? I went to the Blink 182 show. Oh, cool.

And it was really fun because I had to be there all day because we The CBS so I worked for was a big part of it So I had to go there from like noon. I didn't get home till midnight. Oh my god, and I got up at 4 a.m Oh my god, that's crazy. I don't know how you live on all that sleep before there's someone the radio from 6 a.m. To noon. I know and then we start the show out. We are so glad that you always grant us with your present every day because men is the busiest guy in radio. Yeah, but it was really cool yesterday because 10 years ago I saw Blink 1A2 at the same venue. Okay. And I was in the nosebleeds like in the grass. Right. Super far far away. And then it was really cool because I got to hang out with the band backstage the entire day.

Look how far you've gone. I know right? Little men as well grown up. It's crazy that he's all grown up. I'm seeing the same band again. So what was the band like? Did you get any good combos with them? Oh, we did have a good conversation because during an interview, one of the band members said,

you know, this is a beautiful venue. People should need, they need to find places to have, have sex here. And that is the venue that I had had sex like backstage. No, which venue? At the shoreline. Oh, the shoreline, right. The one that I was at yesterday. So I went into the story on how you're like, well, I actually boned it.

Yeah, actually, I actually pulled that off here. And I go, there was a comedy show, one of the comedians left early early David Allen Greer. You might know him from in living color, and his dressing room was empty. So I just went in there with the chick, locked the door, and we happened. That's awesome. So they were impressed.

They must have been impressed. You're in. You're totally in. That's cool. But a lot of people, it gets really dark up there. If you guys go on the Google you type in Shoreline Mountain View California You can see what I'm talking about there's yeah Well, there's the expensive seats are covered by giant tents and then and then the sheep she the seats are

Huge grass area. I'm talking about football fields long right and You can find places to have sex in the grass when the lights get low. Right. Because everyone's focusing on the concept. Exactly. It's just a boning fast. Yeah. I used to go to the store line a lot,

but I don't have it. And the grass. Now I never boned the grass there, just a Coachella. Oh, okay. I told you about my Coachella experience. Yes. Yeah, so, okay, we have a new poll up on the website. Oh, I love the poll.

We want everyone to go vote. How would you rate your current sex life? Amazing. Here's the answers. Here's your choices. What sex life? That's A. B, I satisfy myself. C, at least I'm getting some.

D, no complaints here. E, mind blowing. So go to sexelmy.com and vote right now. Yeah. What would you say? Oh, you're not getting any. No, I mean, I do get some here. I do get some here.

But satisfying myself is so much better. I'll tell you why. Oh, a masturbation. Okay, why? Because you don't have to talk to your hand. You don't have to talk to later. Yeah, exactly. You don't have to take it out.

You don't have to take it out. Right. And what's cool about is, too, is you can have sex with whoever you want. It's in your mind. Exactly. In your mind. It's in your mind.

Exactly. It's cool. And then, well, that's good menace. That's a lot of funnesty. That's the way you've been at lately. So I'm glad you're enjoying it. I just want to. Speaking of masturbation.

Yeah. I got to tell you, I've showed this to you when you came to the office, but Tenga, they make these masturbation sleeves for men. Yeah. And they're a new sponsor. And it's amazing. And I know sex toys really can go there for women, they're for women.

They've got these masturbation sleeves that are really clean and easy to use and men can use them. And it just adds a little something. You've been using your hand for how many years? Use a Tenga masturbation sleeve. It's T-E-N-G-A. Everyone should go to their website and check it out. When you lose the bat, I'm not losing the bat.

I can maybe I'll still use it. It's because you showed it to me the other day and it's this round tube that you open, you break it open, and it's like super soft, like jelly with inside of it. And it's crazy. And then you close it around your penis and then it has a suction,

so it'll suck you, it has a little button so you can compress the air out, right? Is that what it's called? And then it's, then you can put a lube in it, but that's one of them. They have a bunch of other ones. They come in cute little eggs. So everyone go check out Tenga and go buy the product. See, that's what I was afraid of the first part because I didn't really understand it too much. I didn't, you know, play with it. And I didn't know that this extra plastic piece came off. And I thought you would like be closing these two plastic parts on top of your your weiner like right and it would kind of cut it off right no it's super comfy you could live in it yeah so

that's what I was afraid of but now upon further examination of the tool it doesn't look as bad doesn't sound as bad it's not scary and so yeah you got to check out tango and you got to check out Tango, and you got to check out Adam and Eve. I love Adam and Eve. They're all sort of sponsors. If you go there, you get 50% off most items. You get three adult DVDs of free gift and free shipping.

So go buy your sex toys. It's time. It's time to do it now. You all need sex toys. So yeah. Okay. Why are you looking at me crazy? I'm not.

You're thinking of a crazy one. You're the sleep deprived one. I'm very sleep deprived. And I just so I would be able to talk today. I drank Some red bulls a drink of red bull and like one of those old five hour energy. I don't think you're supposed to mix those You're not just a drink of red bull in a five hour energy. Yeah, I put them all together I'm surprised you're not not peeling you off the ceiling right now because I want to bring it today I don't want to be like sleeping. Oh, I love I That's really sweet that you're poisoning yourself that I'm expecting

Maybe I should do that like every day so I can be wacky. Yeah, be wacky be wacky dude What are you gonna do this weekend? It's coming up anything exciting this weekend. I am gonna go see A fella that all the ladies love his name is Brandon Boyd Incubus I gotta go back to The shoreline again got it. That'll be fun I'm gonna work and it its blue angels this weekend. Yeah, which is very scary if anybody they don't know because everyone since you know 9-11 they freak out when they hear airplanes. Right. And we don't really get a warning. And so next

next thing you know there's like you know F-16s flying over the city. Right. Crazy sound. And it always scares you from the first day. It's a full air show but I can't stand the blue angels to be honest. The noise, the But I can't stand the Blue Angels to be honest. The noise, the sound, can't stand it. I really can't. I, in fact, I wish I was leaving town this weekend to just avoid it. But if you come to San Francisco people come here for it.

So I have a friend who's flying in from Chicago and she's seen the Blue Angels a weekend and I get it, I might be in the minority. But I don't like the sound of planes flying over my head and I've seen them once you've seen them again. I know it is very frightening. It is a big deal for San Francisco. So it's fun. I think you would you would Embrace fleet week why all these military guys in the city like

Why don't see them where are they I'll go meet up with them. They may be Down the market Darrow. There will be hundreds of cute men and they're little in their uniforms Uniforms. Oh, that's not bad. It's not cool for me because I'm not really into that. Wow. But now, that's where all the single ladies go. They get all hyped up. All the girls at my work, they get all excited. Because you guys, they're near their work.

Speaking of cute guys last night, I was sitting on my friend's stoop. She was doing my hair. I was sitting there. We came outside. We were sitting outside. It was kind of a nice night. And there were the cutest guys on the marina, which I never

go to the marina, walking like one after after the next coming up from work in their suits I was like, oh my god. This is heaven. There was like so many cute guys just on our street That doesn't happen to spend so much least not my neighborhood My neighborhood I know there's a lot of yeah, you've got a good neighborhood too, so that was really fun But now that you know, we had these the weather got a little bit better, right? You kind of just know notice more for some people. Yeah, people are out. It's sunny. They're in their sunglasses and men are looking handsome. Okay, let's get into some emails. Okay, good. Okay, we're just gonna skip sexy today because I'm so excited for Macchiha Heart her book the ultimate guide The ultimate guide to orgasm for women. I'm showing it to you again in camera. How to become orgasmic for a lifetime

Okay, so the bulk of the emails I get I get hundreds of emails from everyone to orgasm for women. I'm showing it to you again in camera. How to become orgasmic for a lifetime. So the bulk of the emails I get, I get hundreds of emails from everyone. Thank you for emailing me at feedback at sectionalme.com. As you know, if you're a friend with benefits member, a section of family friends benefit member, your emails go to the top of the list, or read your emails first, or get your answers, or get your answers to your questions right away. I'd say a good majority of our emails are about orgasms, women who can't have them, men who are disappointed that their partner's not having one,

can they have one during intercourse, they can only have one alone, but they can't have it during sex, just lots of questions. So we are gonna get into some of those and I'm gonna have Maccaya help me answer some of the questions because she just wrote a book on it, a very amazing, extensive book where she talked a lot to you

and we're gonna get into that after the emails. Hi Maccaya. Hi, thanks for having me on the show. So fun to have you here. Okay, let's get into some emails right now. Okay. Hi, Emily. I've had a dilemma throughout my entire sexual life and I've yet to find a solution. I've been having sex for five years now. I'm 23 and I've never, ever had an orgasm with a partner. I have no problem getting an orgasm with a vibrator on my own but when it comes to actual intercourse, or oral sex with a guy, it just doesn't happen. I've heard all the typical tips and magazines

in that line but it just doesn't work for me. Do you have any input or advice? This is really starting to affect my sex life and stresses me out. Therefore making it even harder for me to think about having an orgasm help, thank you so much. You guys are awesome, science Suzanne. Dequila, right? Dequila. Dequila.

Well, I was actually going to say the very obvious answer that is, you start using a vibrator when you're having intercourse, which means you have to be on top. But, you know, great position. And you handle the vibrator. Don't give it to him because he may be able to make you come with the vibrator. But what you want to do is you want to have the experience of coming in his presence. Right.

And so do it a way you know you can come. And then you can branch out from there and play around and he can start, you know, handling the vibrator. Are you saying that because you think she's nervous around him? No, it's not so much nervous. What happens? I hear this again and again. What happens is that women have been trained from a very young age that they're supposed to be there for their partners.

So they're there for their partners and they're not there for themselves. They actually vacate their bodies to be with their partner. And so, I mean, it's hard to talk about this because the concept of not being in your body is a very complex one. But the truth is that most women need to learn to be more selfish. That's the bottom line. They need to be more concerned about their own enjoyment. And that will improve their sex lives enormously.

Okay. What do you mean by women vacating their body? Can you say more about that? Well, you know, you have to think about it in terms of energy. I mean, we're all in these physical bodies that we see before us, but there's also an energetic body. And you can separate your energetic body from your physical body, so you simply aren't you want to be not present.

Yes, you're not present. Because you're focused on his pleasure, his enjoyment. How do I look? Yes, you know. Am I doing it right? And is he enjoying it? And will it be okay if you know, will he be okay with him if I do this? And if there's such, those kinds of ways of thinking are so deeply established that a lot of the time

we don't even realize what we're thinking that way. But anyway, the absolute first thing, the first primary thing to have good sex is to be present in your own body and to learn to be present when somebody else is present with you. How do you teach someone to be present? Well, you know, I would say really, it's not something I can teach somebody else. I can only say, this is what you need to do. And first of all, you need to practice being in your body. And having, developing a sense of being present in your body, when you're on your own, and developing a sense of energy flowing,

I mean, that's difficult to talk about. I know, I know it to talk about. I know. It's like meditation and doing stuff alone, doing breathing exercises and stuff like that. But you can think. I mean, anybody can think of sexual desire as a build-up of energy and orgasm as a release of energy. I mean, that's relatively easy for most of us.

So just develop that sense. And another really good thing about that is a lot of women ask me, well, they complain to me about how the rational brain gets in the way when they're having sex. That's what I'm talking about. Yes. Well, one way to deal with that, doesn't work for everyone, but it can really work, is to involve the rational brain in observing what is going on in terms of an energy flow. So, it's sort of how the energy is building and observe, you know, how it builds where in your body it builds.

And so your rational brain is busy doing that. It keeps it busy, you know. Right. And it also can be very useful because then we can actually start to play around with that and specifically consciously build it in certain areas of the body and specifically consciously let go of it Okay, I'm fine even outside of sex. There's a problem with the rational Mine Russian brains they're very useful, but they can get them where you find them

You've lost your sister. Oh, yeah long time ago Okay, next question Emily Menace I must say that I love this show. I saw it in iTunes, just one of the top podcasts, and of course with phone sex in the title, I had to check it out. It gets me through my work day on a day-to-day basis, and the people in my lab where I do cancer research never know why I'm laughing and smiling. So to get to my question, Emily, you've been talking a lot about how men should just

flirt more often. I can proudly say that I am actually a really good flirt. The girls I know just seem to be very comfortable on me, and that's awesome, but now I've run into a weird dilemma. Recently, I've had a few experiences where friends just go ahead and kiss me on the lips and then talk about their lives as if nothing happened. Is that super common? Don't get me wrong, it's refreshing and I enjoy it, but I find it kind of strange.

Wondering what that actually means. It seemed kind of stupid, but it's kind of embaltering me. Anyway, love the show is a current Michigan Wolverine. It's cool to be able to hear an alum help people every day. Andrew from Ann Arbor. You have so many Michigan fans. So many Michigan fans. I love it. Okay. So he wants to know he's a good flirt and he's curious about people kissing him on the lips. Isn't that what people do these days? I think that's common.

I think it's common that people kiss on the lips, though. Is he thinking that I'm not sure, Andrew, if you're thinking that, are they coming onto you? So therefore you should make a move. I think people, some people kiss on the lips and some people don't kiss on the lips. Like I think, I don't think that they're trying to send you a message. I think that you would, maybe they feel

since you are such an open foot. They feel really comfortable with you. And so people who are comfortable feel more comfortable kissing you in the lips. But I'm not sure are you getting other signs from people maybe that they're interested in you. But I don't think that that's a weird thing. But I can see some people are just brought up differently. Like I kiss ever. I kiss a lot of my good friends on the lips, good family friends. Like we do kiss and lips. We just do.

And some people you just do the air kiss the air kiss Then I don't think it's a weird thing What did you kiss in a lips we kiss in the lips sometimes menist don't we? Yeah, but yeah, but then I wipe my mouth off. Yeah, not in depth or anything like that But you're the only person I do that with uh... oh no isn't my fault yeah i think it's your fault yeah but um... i think i'm a kisser on the lip are but that could be offensive to people too

offensive i think people might be well they will just like andrew he's not offensive but they it could i could be sending mixed signals perhaps yeah i mean you're not sending mixed signals to me but you could be like a guy that was interested in you right kissing them on the lips. I think you guys are looking for any sign that a woman's interested, and I'm not sure that these women are interested. He's like, oh, I got a chance now. Right.

You know? Oh, maybe. Yeah. I'm going to be watching my kissing tonight during my party. I'm less than really cute. Okay. Hi, Emily. First of all, gotta say, love the show.

Listening to your show may have made me realize how into sex I really am. A come from an aging culture where expressing yourself sexually is generally frowned upon, but you've made me realize that being sexual is a great thing. Anyway, I need some advice. I'm in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman who loves me. Sex has been the one area where I think we could improve. I've literally tried everything to get her to come. Fingers, mouth, penis, we even ordered the magic bullet,

which is a vibrator. I have no problem getting her to the edge, but for some reason, she always pulls away when I feel like she's about to orgasm. She says she can't handle any more stimulation. She says she's fine not being able to orgasm, but deep down it makes me feel like a bad boyfriend because I can't get her over the top.

Now I've read up on this, and it seemed that it's rooted in some trust issue, but I wanted to get your thoughts. She says she trusts me and I believe her. Please help. I know that if anyone can help us, you can. Kevin from Hawaii. I'm going to fill this over Macai Hart, my guest on the show.

Well, I'd say right away, does she orgasm on her own? I mean, if she's getting to the edge, then, you know, the chances are that she'd be, if she was on she, on her own. I mean, if she's getting to the edge, then, you know, the chances are that she'd be, if she was on, she's on her own, she'd be going over. But the real key thing you say in here that I have something very important to address whenever you're talking about orgasm is, do not try to make your partner come, because it will be a relationship killer. I can assure you. And what will happen is that in the end up, she'll, in the end, she'll start faking it because she, she's tired of trying to explain that it's okay that she doesn't come or trying to explain why she doesn't come and she'll start thinking there's something wrong with her that she doesn't come

and she'll need to avoid the issue. So really, really, anybody who's out there, just if there's nothing else you get from anything I say, please get this orgasm is not something you give to your partner. It's something that your partner allows to occur and it is a gift for you if she comes. And many women find it very, very hard to come with their partners. It is by far the most sensible and best thing to do for a woman to practice having orgasms on her own. And then perhaps she will be able to have them with a partner, although as you say, well,

it's not so much a trust issue for women. It's actually that women tend to leave their bodies when they're with somebody else. And so they're not really present for themselves. Right. And you said to the last email that it's okay to use a vibrator. Yes. Yes. And I don't know why. And you know, I think women have issues that men will feel like intimidated by the vibrator or it's not really me doing it. Yeah.

But get over that, guys. Get over it because vibrators are the most common way for to get women over that hump, you know. And it sounds like from what you're saying is she gets to a certain point where it becomes uncomfortable for her and that is the point when she has to be willing to let her body take over. Well, I'm guessing here, but I'm pretty good guesser on this subject. And yes, it's very hard for women to trust their bodies. I mean, when it gets to that point, you have to let go. All rational brain control, let your body take over. And for many women, that's very alarming thing to do. And they have to, you know, you have to practice.

It's your own body. Because a lot of times when they're starting to feel uncomfortable, or they can't take any more stimulation, many times that can be when they're actually about to have an orgasm. That's right. That's exactly right. And that's the moment when it's got to be willing to let go. And once again, let me say it'll be easier for her to do it when she's on her own.

And yes, use a vibrator by all means. And my absolute favorite vibrator. I hope I'm allowed to say it. Tell me. The Hitachi Magic Wand. Oh, oh my God. There's nothing to match. I drilled a hole in the back of my nightstand,

so I could leave it plugged in all the time. Yes. Yes. Yes. I touch you magic wand is amazing. Yes. But let me just say something about it. Touching magic wand, well two things. First of all, when you first use it, put a towel between you and it because it's pretty powerful. I'm pretty powerful vibration. The Mac trucker vibrators. It's the Mac trucker vibrators. And the other thing is I know a number of women who have two. He touched magic ones now. Why would they need two? Because for many women it takes so long for them to get over that hump. Well, 20 minutes with a vibrator maybe. 20 minutes with that vibrator is going to make it hot.

So they have two there so they can switch to one and allow the other to cool. Wow. Wow. You guys Adam and Eve.com, Hattachi Magic Wand, go buy it now. Yeah. Yeah, I love the Hattachi. So, the towel you're saying because it's so powerful, the use that at first. Yeah, to just to kind of mitigate the. Yeah, just use it between, you know, your clothes and youth. Good.

Is that a little harder to use during sex, though? Yeah. During intercourse. You may have not done that, the Hattachi. I usually use like the um. Is that a little harder to use during sex though during intercourse? You may have not done that, the Hattachi. I usually use the smaller one, just because it's just easier to grab. Well yes. But I should try to use the Hattachi during intercourse.

I'm going to add that to my list. Yeah, I mean different women find different vibrators. It's worth it. And you know, let me also say there are some women who don't like vibrators at all. And that's just fine too. There's nothing wrong with you if you need a vibrator. Exactly. There's nothing wrong with you if you never use vibrators. Exactly. Okay. What are your thoughts on the rabbit? Because the rabbit exploded all over the scene. Well, you know, I first tried the rabbit about 12 years ago and I didn't like it because Well, you know, I first tried the rabbit about 12 years ago and I didn't like it because I have very strong vaginal muscles and when I put it inside, I could actually clench my

muscles so much it was not good anymore. Oh. Now they may have improved it. A lot of different kinds, yes. So I think probably now they probably have improved it, but I stopped using it because of that. The industrial strength is probably coming up. Yeah, there's so many different people probably have improved it, but I stopped using it because of that the industrial strength is probably Yeah, there's so many different people have knocked it off and stuff when you say you clenches it more like you're doing like a kegel kind of thing Yeah, um, you know um

Well, we should talk about the kegels a little. Let's get it wasn't get into that later if you want but all right Yeah, I just the muscles of my vagina just But yeah, I just that the muscles of my vagina just They just really when I'm really aroused it very very strong. Oh God. That's good Okay, we scared me for a second no because I flashed to this there's a movie. Have you heard called teeth? It was a big in Oh, yes, yes, I have it now knows the independent movie about Yes, yes, I have it no knows independent movie about This this woman had teeth in her vagina. Oh god. No miss that one, but that doesn't surprise me

Okay, man's worse than nightmare. Okay, and I'm talking if you just join us macaia heart She's the author of the ultimate guide to orgasm for women. So we are all orgasms today all the time here We go. Hi guys. The reason for my email is to ask you about the female G-Spot orgasm. Are they any different from normal orgasms? If so, what's the best way for me to give my wife one? Is there a particular position that is better than another? Thanks for the show and keep the good work, Daniel from Florida.

Well, first of all, the question is, what's normal when it comes to all gussens? I mean, I really can say, I interviewed 26 women in great depths and got more than 100 questionnaires when I wrote this book. And I really can say there is no such thing as normal when it comes to women's sexual responses. There really is no such thing. Is there any kind of common ground on something? Well, yeah, but you'll always find someone who said the other extreme, you know, there isn't.

Sorry, men. Yeah. Each woman is a little puzzle that you have to decode. You know, that's absolutely true. I mean, you have to relate to each woman, and visually, I mean, something that works for you with one woman is not necessarily going to work with another woman at all. Another woman might hate it. Yeah.

So what about the G spot? So when it comes to the G spot, some women don't like to have it touched. I mean, someone on the off. Do you know what that? Yes. Do you want me to describe it? Yes, we've been trying to find you forever. So if this hand is of a vagina, right?

And these fingers are going into the vagina. To put them in, to a bad those first knuckles. If you put them in too deep, you will feel with the tips of your fingers. You'll feel the cervix, which is a hard knob a bit like my thumb, right? If you feel that, you've gone in too far. So in that case, pull them back a little. When they're in there, so your fingers are inside there, curl them up and then pull them out without uncurling them the tips of your fingers Will have run over her g-spot So is that clear? Yeah, that's clear, but you pull them out a more a bee plumb all the way out of the vagina You're saying you well drag them back down

Well, I'm dragging back time. Yeah, I mean you don't have to pull right right. I mean, it's hard It's hard not to fit it's not a definitive right spot really. I mean, you don't have to pull them all the way out. I mean, it's hard. It's hard to get down. It's not definitive. It's not a definitive spot, really. But you can also recognize it because with most women, anyway, it has ridgies on it. And when women are aroused, it feels a little like a strawberry with bumps all over it.

And it does usually swell up when women are aroused. And some women absolutely go through the roof when you touch their G-spot. And other women really don't even notice it. And some women don't like it. And the reason why some women don't like it, I think, is because when the G-spot is stimulated, it feels a bit like you're going to pee. And so, you know, most women don't want to pee. Well, they're having sex, although they're actually, it was not even

wrong if you do. But, you know, because they don't want to pee, it makes them feel nervous and they want it to stop. Right. Yeah, that's the sensation you get. I floor. So what if I... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have... I would have and then a condom that has a laser, laser guidance to that area. He wants a G, he wants an app to find the G spot. Well, for one thing, I would say it's hard to find it with a penis, and then it is with fingers. Yeah, fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers. Yeah. And what are some of the best sex positions you think

to target the G spot for a man and a woman having sex? Well, from the absolute best position is her lying on her face and him on top. Okay. Because then it'll tentate it more, but not if he's in really deep, but if he's in fairly shallow. It's going shallow. It's going shallow.

Great. Thank you. Oh, and then you go shallow, and guys just want to go deep. Hard, it's like please. Shallow actually is often much more fun for the woman. Yeah, shallow. But in a rabbit like state right now jack rabbit he's being sarcastic the jack rabbit don't do the jack rabbit uh... okay amalie just listening to the show where the woman was complaining

about her man being stingy with oral and wondering how she can get him to give her more since we're very results oriented all men men should know that great oral combined with some good foreplay can completely transform the way their women feel inside. If her man isn't doing his job in the oral department, then he doesn't know what he's missing from Paul. Yeah, what do you think about oral sucks? Oh, and a lot of women can just orgasm that way.

Yes, yes, it does have to be well done. I mean, you have to be tuned into what really works for her, what particular. And by that, I mean the particular speed of movement, the position of your tongue on the clitoral head is probably what you're doing. It doesn't necessarily mean you're using your tongue on the clitoral head, but from most women to come, that's usually what's happening. But the speed of the movement and the particular position of the tongue on the clitoris, all those things are really important.

And you know, some women don't like the, they had itself to stimulate it so much that they wanted to do the side. Right. And then there's a little, what are you, what are the guys who just don't like it? Do you think they're afraid of it? They don't know what they're doing or they just don't want to do it. They're not. They just don't want to do it. Yeah, maybe they just don't want to do it. Yeah, I mean, I'm at you know, we're talking about ejaculation a minute ago. I met one woman who was really Disgusted at the idea of female ejaculation, you know, but other women I know absolutely love it, right? Right exactly

Female ejaculation is when they pee on you, right? No That's why I don't do it. I try. I could reach him now. I would slap him. We're going to get into that. Okay. So those are the emails we have for today. And I just want to delve into your book here.

Okay. I'm a Kaya Heart, the ultimate guide to orgasm for women. It is chock full of orgasm tips all about the orgasm, how to become orgasmic for a lifetime. So tell me about writing this book, your process. You know what inspired me to write it was that, as well as being I slept with a lot of women and I had had some just, I mean women are so incredibly different. And there is so little good information about

their, out there about women's, about the variety. And so I felt that I needed to be talked about. And then also the female ejaculation thing, there's so needs to be more information out there about that. And I was also, I was in a sexual healing group with some other women because I was molested when I was a kid and I was addressing issues, conflict I had around sex. And that, in that group, it was so wonderful because we just talked about sex over a period of months and actually years.

We talked about sex in absolute detail and what works and what didn't and why and what it felt like and how things changed and how we responded. And it just really made me realize that we need to talk more. So I mean, this is one thing that I hope will happen as a result of this book. I hope that we need to talk more. So, I mean, if there's one thing that I hope will happen as a result of this book, I hope that women will start talking more. I actually hope men will start talking more. Right, exactly.

Everyone will. Everyone just keep talking about it. Yes, trust me. It changed the world. I trust what you have to say. He does because you know. He always says, Lesbians gay men should teach about oral sex

for men and lesbian to teach about oral sex women. Yes. Men I knew he was so excited. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. When a woman goes up and say, oh, this is how you should give a blowjob to a man.

She doesn't know how it feels. Yeah. It's a different thing when you've experienced it from both sides. It's a different thing. So this book, you, and you interviewed women. Okay. So, these, and they were very in-depth interviews.

I mean, they were ongoing interviews, that, you know, I sit down and talk with somebody and tape the talk for a couple of hours. And then I'd go back and call them up, you know, because as it's writing, things would come up and the questions like, you know, do you feel contractions in your uterus when you come? And all that, I mean, all kinds of questions, everything that I can. Amazing. I mean, you cover everything in here. This is great. Some of the, yeah. Well, I, you know, but the thing is, women are so different that there are experiences that women have that are not in this book, you know, I actually really wish that we'd see more books of this kind that are composed from interviews with women.

Yes. Can I ask you, I know this is your baby since you put it together from beginning to end and I run into this problem when I talk to musicians and I ask them what's their favorite song on their album. But what is one of the favorite topics? One that you kind of like, like the book's action. You know, I think you're just so excited. Let's get into female jackalation.

Okay, now let me, I'm going to read from the book here. I'm glad you answered it right away. I could even finish reading. I could choose a lot. But really, you know, I tell you first, my first experience of ejaculation, my first personal experience of a woman ejaculating, I was sitting between her legs and she hit me in the chest with a spray of fluid.

I mean, I had never heard of ejaculation before, but I was like, this is awesome. Right, right. This is so hot. You know, it's so exciting. And then I started talking with other women and finding all kinds of things. Because you want to do it more, you're like, I need to figure out. Yes.

And then I also learned how to do it myself. I do want to say one thing. Ejaculation is certainly seems to be associated with the G-Sport, but some women have ejaculated all their lives. There's one woman who's actually good friend of mine, and I know a lot about her sex life. She's now 62. When she was 15, she never had sex, she just reached puberty. She never had sex, she didn't know what sex was, she never masturbated, she never had an orgasm. She was really into horses, and she was watching a horse race for the first time in her life. She was present there as the horses crossed the finish line.

She got so excited and she felt this very intense sensation in a pelvic area and a flooding down her legs. And she'd had an ejaculatory orgasm without any stimulation at all. And that's what she does. All her orgasms are ejaculatory orgasms. And she doesn't like having the claderal head touched and she doesn't find it enjoyable. Right. So that's why I believe, you know how I joke around all the time, how to make a woman orgasm,

you buy a malooie for Tom Pers. See, it's possible. If she can ejaculate off a horse, winning a race. Well, my destiny to have that goes for you. I'll be saying, you buy a nice ticket pack or a Chanel bag, it could happen. It could happen, you never know it's gonna excite women. Point proven, once again.

Okay, let me read these. Yes, please do. So these are both from the questionnaire. And one of the questions in the questionnaire was, do you ejaculate? So this woman wrote, after we'd been having sex, there was always a big wet spot in the bed, and of course I always thought it was him. Much later, when I'd broken up with him, another man told me that he could feel me squeezing

fluid past his penis when we were having intercourse, and I realized that the wet spot was me. So in other words, she'd been having sex for years without knowing the issues of ejaculating. Then another woman responded to the questionnaire by writing no, and she came back, and she crossed out the no and wrote, well, this is interesting. I was completely unaware of ejaculating until I filled in your questionnaire and then talked to my husband. He informed me with surprise that I hadn't already realized that I ejaculate profusely when I'm highly orgasmic, usually with oral stimulation. In other words, not

G-spot stimulation. I said, I thought all that wetness was just bit. No, no, no, no, said he. That is great. Isn't that amazing? Is it all, do you think I know you're going to keep it any, but women ejaculate, but it doesn't necessarily mean they have an orgasm, right? They're not connected. No, exactly. And this next one, I mean, it is for some women. But this next one is very interesting.

I ejaculate from vaginal stimulation only when my vagina is dilated and very wet. The ejaculation makes me too wet to orgasm and everything relaxes. Sensation is gone and I hardly notice any further stimulation. Now I think that one of the things that we can get from this is that the concept of a literal orgasm is what most of us consider to be orgasm. And in truth, if we talked about sex as much as I think we should, we would have 20 different words for orgasm, and there would be much more openness to experiencing other peaks of excitement as orgasm. We tend to have this one thing that we think this is an orgasm. And it's not the case. And I personally

have had the experience, and I met many other I personally have had the experience and I met many other women have had the experience of having great sex without having anything that I could label as an orgasm. Although, as I said, I think that if we started really, if we didn't have this expectation of what an orgasm is, and we might start defining orgasm. I totally agree with you. It's like the mescomos were snow.

You should have more words for orgasm. That's right. So what about women who say I can't have an orgasm? Like, they can't even have it through vibrator, they can't have it alone, they just think they're anoregous. I mean, we like to say they're pre-oregasmic, right? Because it's possible. We have you come across women who are like, they've tried everything and they can't orgasm

or... There are certainly women who do that, and a few of the women that I spoke with said they have, actually not just that they have never had an orgasm but in some cases that they women go through phases in their lives and they seem to be going through a phase when they can't orgasm. You know I think the real... And you don't believe that's mental? I think it's impossible to differentiate between the mental, the psychological, the physical, the emotional and everything else.

And I certainly think that when women are going through some very intense emotions, they may find that their sexual responses are completely different from, you know, it's like the energy that's flowing through them wants to manifest as emotion and not as a sexual orgasm, you know. I mean it's difficult to talk about. We don't have enough words to describe what's going on, but I do absolutely think that if a woman wants to be sexual but is having trouble having an orgasm, she needs to completely take the focus of the concept of orgasm, forget completely about the concept of orgasm and just concentrate on what feels good to her.

So you think it is possible for women, I think we just say this, it is possible for women to have good sex if they're not having an orgasm. It's absolutely, it's more impossible, I think it's actually pretty common. Really common, yeah. So I think when you know, and the guys get bummed out or the his partner gets bummed out, you didn't have one, I failed, you failed. And I just think we have to take that whole messaging out around it, right? Absolutely.

The rid of that concept of success and failure, it has no place when it comes to sexual desire. Exactly. So, do you think that a lot of women fake orgasms and why do you think they do it? I do think there's enormous numbers of women of fake orgasm. And I think the main reason why they do so is because they either can't or just really don't want to try to explain why they haven't had one. I think that's, I mean sometimes it's because they're, the sex they're having is boring

and they want to end it. And you know, that's the easiest and quickest way to end it with anybody getting offended. But I do think for a nervous number of women it's that they don't know how to and don't want to go to the trouble of explaining. They want to please their partners. Right, exactly. They want to please their partners.

Yeah, exactly. OK. And you already talked about the flow of energy and women understanding that. So I was going to say, is there anything else you could say? I think that is so important because I think it is true. Like when I found myself too inside my head, trying to have an orgasm or thinking about it,

that you just really have to like focus on, like I know we talked a little, like focus on the actual body part, like you focus on where the energy flow is, like in your vagina, or where he or she or whoever you're with is, and you just kinda have to focus on the feelings, the sensations. Yes.

And that's like, take your mind, like if you notice yourself thinking about your to-zoolist or whatever, and just like, take the focus back to your body. Yeah. Take the focus back, right? Yes. Although, I mean, I do know some women who occupy their brains by watching pornography beforehand or thinking about some pornographic movie or something that and that just occupies their brains while they're busy. Exactly. Do you think women fantasize as much as men or

as different? How about women's fantasies? Would you learn about that? Well, there's some fantasies in here. Fancy is certainly very important for some women, but I think again, it's an incredibly individual thing. And I think that some women definitely do not allow themselves to fantasize. And partly because fantasies very often are about someone other than our partner. And so there's this completely false idea

that they'll be trained their partner in some way if they are a fancy, by someone else, which is not realistic. I mean, that's just, you know, fancy is great. Let your brain go. That's fun. Exactly. People get so uptight about sex, right? What about the elusive orgasm?

Well, I do think that, and you know, as I just said, a number of women don't come easily and go through phases in their lives of women don't come easily, and goes through phases in their lives when they don't come easily. And again, I'd say, if it isn't working, don't keep trying. And sometimes, I mean, a lot of women I spoke with, I have a lot of emotions come up with orgasm. And sometimes what happens is that we have to pay attention

to those emotions. We're trying, you know, very often we think they're inappropriate, you know, you know, if it's, um, well, more than one woman I spoke to said that she often feels like she gets taken over by a sense of rage when she's having sex. Now, that's a very interesting concept. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, raging is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just an intense experience, like what you call raging. And women's sexuality, when a woman fully steps into a sexual power, it is extremely powerful and can be experienced as raging. So I think if you feel the need to rage in any way, let it happen. And the issue is not, whether you should let it happen or not,

because in my opinion, you should, more about how you negotiate with your partner to allow yourself, if you feel that it's inappropriate in some way, negotiate with your partner beforehand and say, you know, sometimes I have very intense feelings come up and it's you need to know it's not it's not your fault. It's not even necessary to do so. It's so tied to so many of our emotions about growing up from growing up or from wherever. So what about Medicaid, the impact of I get a lot of emails too about the impact of people

taking medication and orgasm. So antidepressants like huge, you know, in our culture that women and men are prescribed antidepressants, but you know, they have to be make it happy, but you can't have an orgasm. So what do you tell about, what do you do about that? You know, I feel like I don't know, I don't know enough about the meds to be able to say anything really definitive, but I think it's important to see antidepressants as something that you take to get you through a bad patch in your life and hopefully there will come to a point in when you all stop taking them. I certainly think that if you're taking something that, if you're taking a mend that stops you

feeling sexual, don't keep trying to feel sexual, don't keep trying to put through it because it's realistic that it's depressing. What it's doing is it's depressing your sexual desire, it's suppressing, repressing it, whatever. And so you need to accept that that is what's going on. And try having sex in a different way, where you, perhaps you can get aroused and not have orgasms or your orgasms are really different. So look at your expectations, be willing to change your expectations. I think an enormous number of us,

especially in long-term relationships, we're used to having sex in habitual ways. Right. And it's that. You're gonna mix up your sexual repertoire. Yes. And it's that. You're going to mix up your sexual repertoire. Yes. And it takes a certain amount of work to do that, but it's really worth doing it. Absolutely.

Whatever it takes to do it, do things differently. There's so many ways, if I think so. So many ways, I know. What about your, what do you think about multiple orgasms? Oh, I think multiple orgasms are very common. Now once again, having said that, I would say they may be very common but don't get into trying to make your partner have multiple orgasms because that is not going to work. But I do think you know we have a definition of sex like

it starts here and it ends here. It ends after you've orgasmed. Well for some woman it doesn't. And if they carry on they can have two, three or more. And you know, I speak for myself personally. I need to have three or four, or I'm not, I don't feel done. Right. And you know, to all of those of you out there who are making love to women, I want to say women tend to be very specific about exactly what they need when they orgasm, when it gets to that point, and they get over that little hump.

And so you need to pay attention to her. She may need you to stop just for a short period of time and then increase the stimulation in order to come. And certainly, when most women, when they have multiple orgasms, they need a pause between, you know, but, you know, maybe just a really brief pause. Right. Right. Between each orgasm and then the same stimulation again and she'll come again and then

it's like just waves that women go through. And I do think there's also something called extended sexual orgasm, which actually might be more about staying in, staying in an orgasmic state. So it's actually not so much waves as one continual high. But I mean, for instance, I know one woman who doesn't actually like to have orgasms with her partner, because she likes to stay in your orgas the estate for an hour or more. She says, I like to hang out in that golden light. I love it.

That's so true. And she feels like when she's with a partner, she has to come back. She has to come bring herself down. And really, I think a lot of us would have, might really expand our experience of our sexuality. Hang out. I'm sorry. I can't come into. I I'm just gonna hang out in my orgasmic state. That would be awesome.

Now, not every relationship is perfect, but do you find when all this is going on, there's less arguments? Has that been proven or is it? It doesn't matter. It doesn't get proven, but you know what? I certainly think if we were all having really, really great sex, it'd be a different world.

And on the other hand, I look at someone like George Bush and I think well you see capable of having what I would consider really good I can't imagine that yeah yeah any more questions men anything you've come across with women that you'd like to that I I'm trying to think if it hasn't been anything I've already asked already. Are there any specific what we can say? Well, I was going to say technique is learning the right technique is not really what it's about because women are so individual. Yeah, because I was just thinking because like every situation you've described is somebody that I've been with.

Like the multiple orgasm or the the the ejaculator, the one that it's very hard to get to that point and all that. So that's I think I've been through all of that. Yeah and technique is specific to specific women. You know there are certain women who can't come unless their literal head is stimulated in a particular way and exactly, you know, on one particular side, actually, of stalking some women the other day, said, yes, but sometimes, some days, it's the other side. Right. You know, women vary enormously from each other and they also vary in the same place.

And they're at the top. So what are your main tips then for couples what i mean for people together like how do they even talk about explain it i think that women are like and that i mean how do you talk to all well i do think that uh... it's often easier to negotiate it well if there's something to know about yourself like for instance some women know they quite often cry when the orgasm or cry just when they're aroused and it's I think it's great to be able

to talk about that before you're actually at the point of all gas, you know, and explain that it's really fine because it is absolutely fine for many women to cry when they come or to cry when they're aroused or just to allow emotion to move through them. So I think you want to be better to talk about those before you actually get into bed with someone. Exactly. But the other thing that people really need to do is to talk about sex afterwards. And not the, did you come kind of question, but would you have, if it's the guy, you know, ask questions like, would you have

preferred it if I'd gone on a little longer, would you have preferred it if I'd stopped sooner? Are there particular kinds of stimulation you would have liked more of and would have liked harder? And just lie in bed afterwards and talk about it. And, you know, what she can say is, you know, it would have been really great if you could have gone on just a little longer there You know, right and it's always good to practice what you're saying. It was great. It was amazing. Oh my god. It was so good

Yeah, and next time yes, let's do it but and so any final tips you like to leave us with it like any other that we should just Well, I just want to repeat I think that women are incredibly different. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you don't come easily or if you don't come at all, it's just what's going on for you right now and different women need different things and to have sex that isn't goal oriented. It's really, that is actually the answer to an awful lot of so-called problems. We get so caught up in that. I thank you so much, Makaya. Well thank you. The book is the ultimate guide to orgasm for women. How to become orgasmic for a lifetime. Can you see that on the camera there? I can.

Okay awesome. Thank you so much for being on the show. Well thank you very much. Thank you very much. I did. I did. And that was great. And also everyone here's my book Hot Sex. Come to my party tonight in San Francisco 6 to 8 pm. Next week in LA. That's what we got for you. Tomorrow's free Friday. It's going to be great show. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemlee.com.