Sex With Emily - Unblock Your Sex Life

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

What’s holding you back from your best sex? Are you worried you’ll be judged? Is emotional trauma rearing its ugly head? Or maybe you just want to have anal without hurting yourself! The truth is, we’ve all got a pleasure block or two, so on today’s show I’m taking your calls to move past them. When you’re recovering from an epic ghosting, how do you move on with your confidence intact? I offer tips for releasing the pain, and setting intentions for a future partner. When you’re nervous about neighbors hearing you have sex, how can you relax into your body? And finally, when your partner’s looks haven’t changed, but you’re suddenly wondering whether you’re attracted to them, is it really about their appearance? I’ll be unpacking these and many more roadblocks to the pleasure you deserve.Show Notes:Penis Issues & Innovations with Dr. KarpmanPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSmartMouthPenuma.com/PodcastEpisode: Does Size Matter? w/ Dr. Karpman Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You know, think of all the things that you're like if someone found this out about me, I won't be dateable. And then you find that when you're with the right person, that loves and accept you, at all, they definitely stay and not only that, they feel even closer to you because you reveal something. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So what's holding you back from your best sex? Are you worried you'll be judged? Is the emotional trauma rearing its ugly head? Or maybe you just want to have anal without hurting yourself? The truth is we've all got a pleasure block or two, so on today's show I'm taking your calls to move past them. When you're recovering from an epic ghosting, how do you move out with your confidence intact? Well, I offer tips for releasing the pain and setting intentions for a future partner.

What about when you're nervous about neighbors hearing you have sex? How can you relax into your body? And finally, when your partner's looks haven't changed but you're suddenly wondering whether you're attracted to them. Is it really about their appearance? I'll be unpacking these and many more roadblocks to the pleasure you deserve. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage

you to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you put words to what's holding you back from fulfilling sex, to build self-awareness and even self-compassion. Once you know what your pleasure blocks are, you can take tangible steps to address and heal them for good. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Penis Issues and Innovations with Dr. Cartman is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok.

It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tipsemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash askemily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you know, totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. It's all good.

Before we get into today's show, I got to tell you something. I got to tell you something very, very exciting. I wrote a book. That's right. I'm very excited about this book and it's called Smart Sex. It's going to be released on June 13th and I'm learning a whole lot about the book process right now So I Would love if you're interested, which hopefully you are first off this book

I was writing for about two years and it was a whole process and I was really excited to write a book I thought okay I'm gonna write a book all these my top tips my best advice for the last 20 years And I started to do that. But then I realized that there's a different way of thinking about your sex life. And thinking of a sexually intelligent approach to becoming a fully present sexual person. The book is called Smart Sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. So this book teaches the pillars of sexual intelligence. It's

going to help you get rid of shame. It's going to build a deeper understanding of your unique sexual desires, no one else's, and help you with the communication skills that you can talk about sex with absolutely anyone. And if I do say to myself, this is a revolutionary approach that's going to reframe your entire relationship to pleasure. So you can preorder it now. I would love if you did that. You can also preorder from indie bookstores if you want to support indie bookstores, which I highly recommend like Rowan's bookstore.

We can put that in the show notes. It helps so much when you preorder. And I can't wait to see you all because I'm going on a book tour and hopefully I'll be in your town. And if you'd like me to come speak, you can just email me feedback at sexadelme.com. Maybe I'll meet you in person, I really hope so. Because just so you know,

I've never taken this on the road. I've never done live podcasts anymore. I'm gonna do that combined with a book tour. We're gonna meet, I can't wait, it's gonna be a great year. So thanks everyone for supporting SmartSex. I appreciate all of you. I literally would not be able to write this book without you.

All right everyone, enjoy this episode. So today's episode is all about hangups and pleasure blocks. And this is a particular one we get questions about a lot. We have on the line, Megan in LA. So tell us more. Hi, Megan, what's going on? So I just moved to LA about three weeks ago. I've been living in Washington, D.C.

Two years ago, I had a really brief relationship with a guy that was just like very intense and then ended kind of badly, really impacted me. And that was like right before my senior year of college. And so my senior year, I like dated casually, but like not really. I was more focused on like hanging out with my friends and then I moved to DC and only went on

a handful of dates. Now I live here and I'm excited to meet people and date people. But I just feel like I have a little bit of a block almost. I can't let go of what happened in the past and I'm scared to get hurt again. I'm on some dating apps and I'll spiked and like light people and think that they're cute, but I can't get over that fear of, like engaging with them, you know. Right, like a fear of rejection. Yeah, from this past relationship.

So how old are you now? I'm 23. 23, okay. And this happened to you a few years ago. What I love about your emo those like, and your question, is it, so you're in a cycle right now, which I love that you notice this.

You're like, I'm stuck in this pattern from something that happened to me a few years ago and you're ready to move past it. So the first thing is knowing that, but also understanding that this is just a pattern now that you've kind of developed that you are somehow unworthy, right? Like we kind of developed a self-fulfilling prophecy to protect ourselves, right? So something bad happens. And then we decide that we are bad, and we want to protect ourselves.

You put up defense mechanisms, right? And then that creates a cycle that you're not, we're not even like aware of. And so I think the first thing is kind of changing that narrative. So since then you haven't really been able to put, was it a really bad thing? Do you want to tell me what happened?

Yeah, so I actually met this guy while I was living in DC as an intern. We just kind of like headed off right away, one on a bunch of dates and basically dated while I was there the whole summer and then I was leaving to go back to school and I went to college in Texas and he wanted to continue dating like long distance. So I was like, that's great. And we would talk and do like, base time dates and just like try to like keep things

like romantic. And then I invited him to come to like an event, like a formal event with me. And he was like so excited. And I was so excited to introduce him to my friends and everything because they'd been on base times with me and just like seeing them. And then three or four days before I actually like had this like big event,

I was like texting him, just saying like, you know, I'm wearing set and such, what are you gonna bring? We're gonna go do the best blah, blah, blah, blah. And he didn't answer, which I thought was kind of weird. And then he didn't answer for like two whole days. So then I like started to get nervous. And I like started texting his friends that I knew and they were answering either And so my like event passed and he didn't come two days after he called me and said that he had taken this just like And prompt you crazy boy strip to go to October fest and he didn't tell anyone and so it was like the fact that he just like didn't come. Right. And then the fact that he also just like went out of the country

and like didn't say anything. Right. And we just like crazy. So it just like really broke my heart. And then I didn't really talk to him after that. Because. Right. So it just takes one thing.

Well, I'm sorry that happened. And that sounds like on so many levels. It was like great. And obviously they go. So they disappear and then we start to create these narratives. So what we're talking about, what it feels like we're more afraid to go out there and start dating again

because we've had pain, we've had suffering, we've had loss. And I gotta tell you, Megan, that you have to remember this is that what I would love you to do, so one of your exercises is thinking about that, like what do you think you could learn from it, this guy? Like I don't even know how well you know him. First off, what I love is just saying that says, God's delays are not God's denials.

It's an AA phrase. I'm not an AA, but I love it. And also, they also say rejection is protection. And in some ways, there is a reason when things happen. Like, if there's a lesson you can learn from it, I'm sure if we go back in time, there were things about him, maybe there were signs, maybe he wasn't the perfect guy. And so what I would love you to do right now is to,

if you can do a practice where you're even writing it and you're changing the narrative and you're saying, what does it look like? What do I want right now? What are the positive statements? Because I feel like this feeling that like I'm rejected, I'm not good enough, I'm not gonna put myself out there, it's really gonna hurt, has become a lot louder

than what you actually want, Megan, and what you're looking for in a partner. Would it would feel like to be with somebody right now that you actually feel great at? What would they look like? What would you do together? What would feel good? And I would like journal it, I would visualize it.

And then when you start putting yourself out there, like because I think that's also a practice, and just saying, hey, like, how's it going? Great to match with you. Just move to LA, and then just wait on it. And then it's a practice of replacing the old negative experiences with more positive ones. And so I feel like it's visualizing yourself

creating, acting confidently in situations. Like, if it works for me, like before, if sometimes I have an rough day, Rob, going on a date, I've had feelings, I'm like, oh, he probably won't like me, this or that. And I literally picture myself walking in the room, what's gonna happen, what I'm gonna say and how it's going to feel.

And when you start to engage all of your senses into an experience, our body, it's actually neurological. Like, do you ever hear this thing about athletes who prepare for an event? And they actually picture the event before it happens. There have been studies that show their brainwave patterns and it shows that they actually, your brain thinks it's actually happening. So what I'm saying is if you can start to practice what you want, what this person's going to look like, what you're going to be doing. And you picture the more

affirmed positive positive, Megan, and you live that, even if it's in your mind, that will start to replace it. Because rejection is just, it's an experience. It doesn't mean you're bad, it doesn't mean all these things. So I would just say kind of rewriting your narrative and realizing that this is not a place where you have to be stuck, but you feel that you're stuck.

If that's helpful. Yeah. Is that helpful? Thank you. You're so welcome, because're going to be fine. We all do that. We get insecure and we and you'll survive. Redefine in the meeting of rejection.

See what you learned from it and move forward. Okay. Thank you. We can still keep, of course, I'm here for you. Welcome to LA. Put yourself out there. Let's just came in. Jacob in California.

He's 24. You can email his feedback at sexwithmla.com. So I've been dating my girlfriend for five months now. I like her a lot. She makes me happy. We have a real good emotional connection, but the physical attraction is really there. The reason is because she's heavy set. Now she's always been and I didn't date her for a long time because I cared about what other people thought. But once I sat down with my own thoughts, I decided my happiness outweighed what other people thought of me. But now I'm realizing that maybe it's just me all along that cared.

I don't know what to do. I've never talked to her about this as I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I don't know how to deal with my feelings regarding the situation. All right, Jacob, you're 24 years old. And what I want to say about this, and this happens all throughout our lives,

I would say that this probably has nothing to do with the way she looks, because you've been attracted to her for the first five months right now. This is what I've found. People often call and they're like, oh, my partner gained weight or this thing happened and I just can't deal with it.

And that's the reason. And I think it often, a lot of times, I do it ourselves and not so much the other person. Because she hasn't changed at all. So what I'm saying is, sometimes we change in relation to somebody else, because if you

found her sexy, like you were physically with her and she hasn't changed, she didn't gain weight while you were together, although sometimes to circle back to that, so when our partner drastically gains weight or something changes, typically they're not happy, right? They're not walking around confident. Like if you're with somebody who loves their body and they are their size and they show up, I think that's when we're okay with it, but I never think it's about these physical things. So I would say to Jacob that you're still in your head about this. The first I was rude, other people think and now it's what I think and it's

what I so I mean, I don't know what else to tell you to do about this, but to look at your own, you know, attraction to her and like how it as a sex change at all, are you more in your head sexually? I mean, if you guys want to see the show, you realize that most of what we are cock-blocking ourselves is because we are worried about something in our head. We're worried we're not performing, we're worried about the way we look. We're worried that other people are gonna think of us.

I can't do this certain sex act because other people are gonna judge me if they ever found out, right? I would do anal or I would do these things, but oh God, if this person told someone, or I don't know, I just think that it's all head stuff or I won't be able to orgasm. And now that I'm worried about orgasm, because there's this expectation, first off, we're not very embodied at that moment, but we're also in our head.

So Jacob, that's what I think. I think you got to look at your sexuality and your attraction and talk to or talk to about Your sex life first off like usually again. It's not just because the way if she hasn't changed typically it's up in our head I know in my 20s I didn't realize that when the first blush of romance Let's say the conny movies which for me used to go a lot quicker the most it would be about six months with somebody and it's switched I thought that meant the relationship had to end because I thought that the attraction to somebody should go on and on and on.

I thought it should always maintain that level, but it is the beginning with new sex, right? I thought that if that changed, the relationship is damaged. I didn't know that it takes work on the chicken to grow and you got to work on it and you got to talk about things and that when the sex actually gets better and the relationship gets better is when you actually go into the stuff that you think you can't talk about. All vulnerabilities when you show who you really are

to someone who can accept you for that. You know, think of all the things that you're like, if someone found this out about me, I will be dateable. And then you find that when you're with the right person that loves and accept you, it all, they definitely stay and not only that they feel even closer to because you revealed something My Lee 22 in San Francisco. Hi, my Lee. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi, Emily. Hi

How you doing? How can I? Hi? Good I just had a couple questions about the drawback of anal. I was just wondering what the, what the, like, if there were any negative consequences of it, and if you had it too frequently, what you should look out for, anything you should keep an eye on

when you're doing that sort of set. Great question, Miley. Great question, because yes, there's because yes, there's dangerous to, there's dangerous to anal sex. If you do it incorrectly and that's why it gets such a bad rap for being so painful and so if you just have no warm up and you just your partner just sticks it in. I assume are you with a penis?

A man, are you, are you talking about for you? Yeah, I'm going to. Okay, so here's the thing, is that it's all about these few things that are the most important. The most important is that you're relaxed, that you're breathing Miley, that you're already turned on. Maybe you've already had a literal orgasm. Maybe he's already gone down on you. You know, you're already like making out out or maybe you're already even having sex, penetrative sex. And then you wanna make sure

that you are in a comfortable position, rolled over and then you use a ton of loop. Like my best tips are like use a lot of loop. I recommend a silicone loop. You could also try with a finger first, make sure that his hands are clean and nails are trimmed and all those things. But you could also just start teasing you on the outside.

But what happens is a lot of times the anus is not self lubricating, so it could be dry when you stick something in, so you're just gonna make sure that you do all the prep. Thank you, I'm good. I got you, of course, thanks for calling my way, I appreciate you. You know, a lot of people have a really first time

bad experience with anal. Like, I'm talking to a lot of women that I hear, that are like, I anal sex, my back door shut. There is no space or time for it. I don't want to do it. I had a partner once who snuck it in or we were drunk and it was like oops, like sorry wrong hole or there wasn't enough lube.

And the thing about anal is to prepare for anal. It's like a process. You have to, you can't just like as I go from zero to anal. You're literally not ready. It's like getting in the car and driving before you warm it up, going right a marathon when you haven't trained. That's the thing with anal. And that's why, you know, once you realize what you like

and what you need, especially anally, not only sexually, it's a process. Alright, we've got an email. This is from Renee34 in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I am very self-conscious of the way I spell, and this has become a serious problem for my relationships, which are non-existent at the moment. I've had partners in the past long-term and one night, but my fear of having bad breath prevents you from letting go during sex.

So even though I've had some adorable experiences, I've never had an orgasm. As time goes by, I become more and more anxious about this, so now, even the idea of kissing seems impossible. How can I relax and let go of remodeling thoughts about the way I smell or being judged or rejected? What can I do to make the event of sex even more enjoyable? I feel ashamed, but also wonder if there's a possibility for me to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. I already see a therapist and doctor to control the problem, but I'd appreciate sex-specific

advice. Any help will be welcome. Thank you, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your email, Renee. I could hear your voice right now, or painful this has been for you to have these ruminating thoughts about your breath or about your hygiene. And I love that you're in therapy. And I'm wondering what kind of therapy practices you're doing.

Hopefully, there are a practice that's allowing you to recognize these thoughts. Maybe go back to the moment, and breathe, and focus on sensations happening in the moment and being present so you don't let these thoughts take you away. I'm curious if you've had a chance to investigate where you think these thoughts have come from. You're wondering if you maybe heard something growing up. We think about it a lot of times we like maybe watching a show growing up and like the main character got this because they had bad breath and then when you're a young kid and so impressionable you're like that will never happen to me and or maybe someone said something to you once and now you're worried about he's having bad breath.

I'm not sure what is Renee but I hope it in your therapy you're going a little bit deeper so you can learn to let go and do some positive affirmations knowing that you are lovable and that your breath isn't what you think and your odor isn't what you think. So you know, get a love that you're in therapy. The other thing is you said that you've never had an orgasm before because of this problem and you probably know what I'm going to say here because you're listening to show. But masturbation is so important.

I don't think I ever have an orgasm with a partner if I had not masturbated on my own. So I highly recommend you go and deep into a self love masturbation practice where you're figuring out your body, your masturbating, and you're taking deep breaths, your moaning, your exhaling. So you're really learning to let go and to breathe because that's what's going to have to happen when you're with a partner, which just know that you will be, okay? You will be.

And also, having the confidence of knowing that you can orgasm will take all that pressure off of you when you are with a partner. And finally, okay. So there's a party that came across my desk that was sent to me and actually made a new sponsor because I'm obsessed with them to address the bad breath challenge. And it's called smart mouth. Smart mouth is a mouthwash.

And what I love about it is become part of my ritual. I've had it for about a month because I've gone through one bottle is it prevents bad breath 12 times longer than other brands. And I just love that it's a system that actually works. And they've said that it will limit your bad breath for 24 hours with two wrenses a day. I actually just used it before I set that to do the show because I had salmon for lunch. And it does. Just like miraculously like wipes it all away. It tastes delicious. And the whole user interface, or let's just say their technology is really cool because yeah,

it looks like a mouthwash bottle, but it has these two spouts that come together and you pour it into the lid of the mouthwash and you swirl it around your mouth for 30 seconds. So again, it's become a ritual. Like I brush my teeth for two minutes using my left or toothbrush and then I use smart mouth every day. And I feel like if you use this, it might give you some more confidence to say like, I'm using a product that was actually created just for this situation. You can find Smartmouth pretty much everywhere these days. Actually, it was a friend's house

that he had it on the counter. I was like, I just heard about it. Has everyone know about this amazing product? Well, you could buy it at Amazon. And I would love to gift you a bottle. I know you're in Australia. I'm going to talk to the smart mouth people and see if they could send you a bottle this to try it because what if this is what you need it? I mean, sounds like there's a lot of other things going on here psychologically, emotionally, mentally, but I don't know. I'm loving

smart mouth. So again, you can buy it at Amazon, but we're going to send you a bottle because we want to help you. I want to help you. So thank you so much for today for your question and keep me posted. Don't go anywhere. We'll be discussing more ways to work through your pleasure hangups and unlock a more fulfilling, sourced life. I can't talk about pleasure blocks without addressing body concerns. We have about the size of our genitals or the size of our bodies in general. So I asked our Instagram community, we had a poll and we said, his size ever mattered when it comes to your sex life or with any body part.

All right, here's some of the highlights. So from both owners, this is where they said yes. Absolutely, I felt not so feminine before my boob job and now I feel so sexy. Another one said, I don't think we talk about enough how uncomfortable big penises can be for women. I've had both too big and too small, couldn't feel it, got on top,

and it constantly fell out. Part of it was too well-endowed and caused pain in a number of positions. And then someone else said different sizes, have pros and cons. Penis owner says, big boobs and big bum are my weakness. Someone else said mine has been too large for her

or else she was too small for me than the nose. We're both on her said it doesn't matter. Big penises can be a comfortable. Confidence is more important. A few of you said that confidence is more important. I can't agree more that so much of this is I'm just asking because I want to know, you know, I love having the data from you guys and I love sharing it.

So when you guys respond on Instagram or anywhere, send an email. It's just so helpful. You guys are representing what is true. There isn't a one size fits all answer to the does size matter question. So some other nose from above owner says no I'm plus size my partner is very skinny. Well I get self conscious sometimes we've been together for three years now. So another one said not yet and I'm 60 years old. And another one said which I have to say this is what I hear the most.

What I preach to y'all is honestly it's all about how my partner moves him knowing my body and our connection. Someone else said it's all about the mental state that has to be in the right direction. And then from penis owners, they said, I think the feeling is more important. I don't think it's important as people think. Another one said, I've never had anyone come into my penis positively or negatively. And then another one said, mine is five inches and I never had any complaints.

All right, thank you guys for all that. You know, I want to mention something that about a week ago, I had Dr. Ed Cartman on the show. He is my penis genius that comes on the show a few times a year to answer all of your penis questions. So Dr. Cartman talks about penuma, which is a new penis enhancement surgery. It's FDA-cleared for cosmetic enhancement of the penis and it's actually been successfully implanted in thousands of penis odors since 2004.

So that being said, you know that I believe that penis size does not equal sexual satisfaction. And as a sex educator, I just feel responsible for sharing all of the available resources on my platform so you can make your own decisions. So, Ponyuma is the implant and it enhances girth and extends the penis's flaccid length. And for many, it can help improve self-confidence and self-esteem. You know, it's the short outpace of procedure and they are growing their network of well-regarded urologists that can perform this procedure. And if you want to check it out, you just go to penuma.com slash podcast. That's P-E-N-U-M-A.com slash podcast. Now, I just didn't know that this was available and it was safe. So I just again want you guys to have your options, but I'm telling you, from my perspective, I've been with large, I've been with small,

I have small breasts. There are some people who aren't gonna bond or be with me because I have small breasts. I'm sure that's happened and you know what? I'm okay with that because at the end of the day, what I do want to preach here, what I want you to all know is that really is about confidence. What I love is that so many of you echo that

on our Instagram poll. The thing that's wrecked most of our pleasure in the bedroom, and I would call it a pleasure thief, that is our insecurities in the bedroom boring, that our partners, you know, gonna judge us, or we're not pleading them. I hear from so many of you too, who are like, no one's ever said anything,

but I think I should fix this thing about myself, because it's my own insecurity. So that's why I want you to check yourself. It's probably in your head. And remember this, being a great lover to somebody is about listening. It's about paying attention and it's about communicating. And it's less about how you show up physically. And it's been doing this for almost 20 years,

and I can't tell you that what I hear more and more and more is just that like the person was confident, they were attracted to them, and it was never about like, oh, I'd be with this person forever if their penis was bigger or if they're breast or larger. I just don't think any of that's real. Self-confidence is an inside job.

Let's work on that first. At the end of the day, it's about accepting ourselves, loving our bodies, having more confidence and communicating with ourselves, honestly, and with our partners. Okay, so this is from Nicole20, and she just wants to know, hey Emily, love your podcast and your Instagram page. I'm writing this message to you

because after my boyfriend cheated on me two years ago, take a break from guys and now I'm feeling self-conscious and weird about getting back out there again. I've gone out with a few, but I always end it because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm definitely scared of being intimate with someone after being cheated on. Any tips on how to face my fear? All right, Nicole, this question about how do I just get over this traumatic thing that happened to me? Learning that someone cheated on you is a traumatic event. And the reason I wanted to bring this up today, this email is because I hear from a lot of you who say, you know, my partner cheated on me or we're still married and we no longer, you know, I've had everyone come,

I have a partner call me who did the cheating and say, I don't know why my wife's don't, or my partner's still mad, I don't say it's his wife, it's everyone. And then I have the partner saying who was cheated on, saying, well, it happened a few years ago, I should already be past it. No, remember that when you are suddenly

pulled out of your reality and everything that you believed about one human to be true, that they were loyal and loving and you were the only one that they were with. I can just think of it. You know, trauma is thrown around a lot right now, but it is a traumatic event that can sort of change the neuropath ways in your brain around the way you think about commitment and love. You know, my mom used to say to me, but things she'd be like, oh Emily, timing heals all wounds. And I think some maybe like time out makes things

hurt less, but trust, when someone breaks our trust, it's not something that just because time goes by, oh well now the trust is gonna come back together. I'm gonna grow these limbs back of trust. No, if it's still damage, there needs to be repair. And typically in a relationship that takes therapy, that takes kind of working on it, sometimes there's different philosophies around this,

but the partner shares everything that happened. And then you really break it down, break through it, and then you could eventually, some couples emerge a lot stronger after an affair. But going back to Nicole Firm in it, first off, I love where you're right in your life right now, and you realize that as a trigger for you, you were really hurt.

And so, since it's having this effect on you, and it is true, you guys, I want to point this out too, that a lot of times what happens in our earliest relationships tends to be modeled throughout the rest of our relationship, because that's where pattern gets set. So the first person you were in love with, something happens, that might be part of your now your new relationship DNA. So facing your fear, I mean, if this was really something that was challenging, I would say therapy would be great. Just, you know, remember, you guys, a lot of our,

if we have health care, a lot of our, you know, we can get sessions like 10 sessions or something with any plan, but also just the fact that you know that you have this fear is important. I would also recommend instead of replaying the situation, because a lot of us what we do is we replay it over and over again. And it sounds like you've given this voice of the cheating and this guy who was awful to you, a huge loud voice.

But what if we took that and you spent some time actually thinking about, how do I want someone to make me feel in this relationship? What do I picture with this new partner? How are they going to support me? How are they going to hold me? How are they going to hold me? What are we going to do together? What do we do for fun?

How do they, you know, what are the traits that you're going to covet in a new partner? And what are the ones that you're not going to stand for? Perhaps usually if he's cheated on you, your past, maybe there was things about him that let you realize led to that. For example, he didn't prioritize you a lot in the relationship.

He was always out with his friends. He said he was going to do one thing, but he did another. You didn't feel like you were priority to that. For example, he didn't prioritize you a lot in the relationship. He was always out with his friends. He said he was going to do one thing, but he did another. You didn't feel like you were priority to him. He forgot your birthday. I mean, I think it really helps to write down the stuff. I mean, what does my best journaling is an after break up? Because I have like my, all the things that went wrong

and all the things I didn't like about them. And I remember doing this so long ago, because my friend would be like, I think, oh, I think I missed him. And she's like, what about the time that he, you know, God, what did he do? He left you at the bar and took your keys and didn't call you. I'm like, oh, yeah.

And I would write all the things down that you forget. And so I think when we remember that, it prevents the euphoric recall, that thing that we do when we put our exes on a pedestal, we forget. Like, oh, but they were so great. No, they did all these things. So I think remembering what happened, remembering the things you didn't love about the X, it didn't really work.

And the traits that you're going to cover and look for in a new partner. The other great thing about looking for love again, this goes forever, where we're at, is that what is helpful is to really do these kind of writing down what you want in a partner. And sure, you go right down down what you want in a partner. And sure you go write down traits that you want. I don't care if they're superficial or super deep, whatever you're like, whatever traits you want, whatever you values you want. But it's also important to visualize.

And so doing an exercise where you're thinking about like, what are we doing together? What's our perfect Saturday? What's it like when they meet my parents or how do we celebrate the holidays together? And actually picture yourself in this person's presence and not have helped you recognize that person when they come into your life. I'm going to have to Dan 34 in Minnesota.

Hi Dan, thanks for calling. What's going on? Hey Emily, thanks for taking my call. Of course. Well, I'm not sure if this was a environment thing or maybe in the moment thing, have suddenly become super paranoid about people hearing me have sex. Hmm, okay. Tell me.

All right. A little background. I'm in a pretty quiet apartment complex with a bedroom that's kind of close to a pretty popular sidewalk. Oh, okay. Well, it was never a problem with my ex-girlfriend and I, because I would always do this like little prep work, turn the music on, shut the doors, the windows. But since I've had somebody else over and it was kind of in the moment, we went straight to the bedroom thing and it's like all I could think about and she was a little bit louder than my ex-girlfriend Okay, so I found myself like trying to like subtly like

Kisar as she was like moaning to like muffle it and stuff I was really out of the moment. It was totally taken away from it So am I just I'm obviously like thinking too hard are there tips I could do should I go back to my prep work? Okay, yeah, so we are you yeah, so yeah. So you're talking about what are you now you're just like it's hard to be in the moment during sex because you're worried that she's going to be really loud? Or are you saying like what to do to make it so my neighbors can't hear? Yeah, the other the other bit because I don't mind I don't mind the noise When my ex and I she had kind of a secluded house on the country that was that was the perfect environment because there was nobody around right Do whatever you know, but It's a little bit better than in the

Environment so you're saying I think you just prepare, I mean, listen, I think yeah, maybe you close the windows and you play some music and you do the same kind of things. So I think, I mean, honestly, you could get like a sound machine, you know, they have those ones like on, the ones that make like the white noise. I wonder if those help with outgoing sound, you could also put some, you know, some of the sound proofing stuff on your windows.

I bet your listeners would know too, because I've been told that I make some noise during sex, and it's hard, because I think it's so great to be vocal, actually the more vocal we are, that can also enhance your orgasm. Yeah, I think so. But are you saying like, should you tell,

yeah, is your question like, do I let her know? You could just say my neighbor, it's loud, and I wanna hear, I love it, you know. Are you gonna see her again? Is this your new girlfriend? Well, I think we're going to see each other again, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was just starting out with them.

I got it, I would just play some music and I would shut the windows and see if there's any like kind of soundproofing thing, you know? But, I mean, you could tell her. You could go to, we're both big music fans. Yeah, I would just play the music. And I think it's okay to tell her like, I loved that was so hot with the way you orgasmed

and you're the sound you're making. And I just want to make sure that I can, it's just for me to let's play me, you know, if you want, if you feel like you need to tell her, or I would just set up the environment that way. Okay. Yeah, I think I'll try that instead of her just watching me randomly close doors and turn of music

on through, so you would figure it out. But yeah, maybe, yeah, I'll try that. Like first off, I think it's really great when there's music and there's an environment set. Like candles and the windows are, you know, like, because there's times that's happened to me too. Like, oh, shit, the windows open.

Or so I think we all want privacy. So I think just to do that as a result, I don't think you even need to say anything, but I think that's a really nice thing to do when someone comes over, it's like to play music, and I always close the windows, and I put the blinds down, and you know, like sex is gonna happen.

So I don't want anyone looking in. There's nothing worse than like looking up, like you see, so that's why I would just do that. And you know, she gets a new relationship, if she says anything, you're gonna know, so that's why I would just do that and you know She gets a new relationship if she says anything you're gonna say I don't want my neighbors looking in whatever That's totally normal. So I wouldn't be nervous about it. I would just proceed. Do you do what makes sense to you? All right, all right, thanks for the call. It's a great one. Thanks Dan. You got I appreciate it Bye, I like the question about noise

You know a lot of us don't make enough noise during sex. I got to say that the more we are vocalized, the more sound we make, the louder our orgasm is, that can actually also intensify your orgasm. And a lot of us hold back because we're afraid that we make a noise. It sounds weird. The neighbors are going to hear us. But it's really hot to be, I think, express yourself, be loud. And I know, and I know it's better for your orgasm too.

That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship to call my hotline 559 Talk Sex, that's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for

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