Sex With Emily - Up(Date) the Way You Date

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is bringing you a mash-up all about dating – because what better way to prepare for the summer than with tips & tricks for getting back in the field. She gives you just the inspiration you need to embrace the dating game, how to reframe rejection, as well as confidence boosters for the first date. Plus, where to start when you’re brand new to the dating apps. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Boston Scientific, pjur Lube, Good Vibrations, SiriusXM, Womanizer.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show and bringing you a mashup all about dating, because hey, what better way to repair for the summer than with tips and tricks for getting back in the field. Topics include dating plans, what to do when you're not too keen on the dating scene, rejection. Believe it or not, it can be beneficial, but how do you deal with it? First dates and power moves, because hey, efficiency is key key and you're new to online dating where to start and what are the rules anyway? All this and more. Thanks for listening Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex

Eyes that mock our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on me Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand Oh my The women know about shrinkage Isn't it common, Emily?

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I was thinking about some of the things that we could talk about tonight. About dating? Like, are you dating someone new, are you dating a few people? I can help you with all that stuff. And so there are some top tips and I'm like, I thought I haven't told you about these things yet, that I believe would be very helpful for you and that are helpful in all dating

situations, which is not easy right now. I mean, it's not. I get it. Everyone always thinks wherever they live, they live in the very worst town ever to date in. And people always say that. Like, when I was in San Francisco, like, oh God, it's the worst town ever to date in. Like, and people always say that. Like, they're like, when I was in San Francisco, like, oh God, it's the worst town.

No, you know, like, check your balls with the Gongaie bridge. Like, just really, like, there's no men don't ask you out. And then in LA, everyone thinks the guys are like, two into themselves and women just aren't available. Whatever, everyone has a story. And then New York, they say the same thing. And then you live in the middle of the states who like, there's no one here.

But I always believe. And I know this to be true, that, first of States, you're like, there's no one here. But I always believe And I know this to be true that first of all, wherever you go, there you are. So it's not like you have to move somewhere else and you're gonna find that person. But there's single people anywhere, everywhere. In fact, there's more single people now on the planet than ever. And then ever before. So it's kind of a good time to be single. I would say so. And more ways to date and meet people. It is. Yes. And even technology and people like, Oh, God, I can't do the apps. Like I'm because here's the thing about the apps and we've a lot to say about

that. But tonight I'm just going to focus on some basic dating stuff. But this is what I want to say about the apps and definitely come in with your questions. If you have questions about them, triple eight, 94 stars is that if you, is that if you're thinking to yourself, I've been single for a while and I haven't met anyone, but I'm not going to do the apps, because the apps people just want to hook up, or everyone's an asshole.

It's not true. We know ways to help you with that as well, and that I think it's a service to yourself. It's a numbers game. It is, and I know plenty of people that have had actually success, like they are in love, they've gotten married, they've, you know. So many babies, the whole thing, like there's whole lives

that happen, so it's, there's still not that stigma, you don't have to whisper that I met someone online. So I just want to say that. But first starting about dating is that if you are dating right now, and you're like, you know, I just, it's been challenging or I'm not sure, like have you done this yet?

Have you really thought about yourself and what you actually want? Who are you as a person? What do you want out of life? What are your plans for your career? Like what, like who are you? Because the more we know about ourselves, then we know what I want in a relationship.

And then my next step is like, do you know what I want in a relationship. And then my next step is like, do you know what you want in a partner? Have you really thought about that? Like, what's important to you? What are your deal breakers? And, you know, because I think that sometimes it's like when you go shopping and you're not really looking for anything in particular and you just end up

like buying a bunch of stuff you don't need. I do that all the time. The time. In fact, I'm starting to stop doing that. I'm like, I don't need anything. I should just go home. The time. In fact, I'm starting to stop doing that. I don't need anything. I should just go home and try my clothes. Do I really need another pair of boots? But dating can get frustrating like that.

When you're like, I'm not really sure. So when you get clear, clear, clear, clear, like you literally write it out. And there's some great books on it and great. I used to love this book. I used to recommend this if the boot of dating. Because I thought it was cool because it made you really go deep and asked you all these questions down to like,

the superficial things, like they have to be this height and whatever to like, like deeply in your soul, like how do you want to feel with this person? So define it however you want. Like just define it but know that like, get specific and then know like if someone's a smoker, like I'm out, someone's not my religion, that's not gonna work for me. Just things that you know. Yeah, like why waste time on things that you know. Yeah, why are you so tough?

I'm gonna serve you exactly And the other thing is you guys here's a thing that a lot of people think about Casually like a lot of their casually dating right now. There's a lot of people I know I hear from her like you've been married for 20 years and you just got a relationship A marriage or a long-term thing and you're like I don't even know how to date anymore like the apps weren't around People didn't text back when I was dating, you know I got fixed up with my partner like what do we do and I think you know People are texting more now. They might not talk right away

But if you've met someone and you want to make sure I think it's okay to pick up the phone and have a call first So you don't waste time. And I also think casually dating a few people is another thing that people don't realize is that it's okay to date a few people at once. Like I think people are used to like, well I met someone, I've gone on a date with someone and so I'm going to assume that it's only about the two of us and that they're probably not dating anyone or maybe it's going to, I should just stick with one person. And I think if you haven't dated a while,

or if you just started a date, or wherever you're at, it's okay to be dating several people. And you don't have to feel guilty or bad or weird. Yeah, because I mean, we have this notion that we're supposed to put all of our time and our efforts into this one person we just met, but then you're kind of wasting energy on something that might not work out

when you could take things slower with that person and data a couple other people, see which ones given you the most. Exactly. That eat the best stuff that you like. And I think that's important for everything. I say this often about therapists. If you're looking for a therapist,

I'm like, it's a real relationship you are entering into. It's okay to go see two or three, you're not gonna love every therapist and the same goes for dating. And I also think it's true though, like you're not gonna like them, right? No, it's true. I'm used to, I'm actually more used to dating multiple people

in at once than being in with one person. So whatever, what I'm in now is kind of, it's not new to me, but it's been quite some time. in at once, then being in with one person. So whatever, what I'm in now is kind of, it's not new to me, but it's been quite some time. Right, since I haven't been juggling. You haven't been juggling. But I think the thing is too, is about being honest about the fact that you are

dating multiple people. It's okay, yeah, exactly. I think that the more honest and authentic we are, so this is kind of what I'm telling you now, is that be honest with yourself and then be honest with the people you're dating, but like, hey, I'm seeing other people and just assume that they probably are too.

If you have had the conversation out being exclusive with someone, I guarantee it, they're dating other people. So, and then be real about what kind of relationship you want. Like if you know, like I am just like in for casual sex or I'm dating other people or I'm actually looking for a long-term relationship. I wanna have kids. Whatever you know, be clear about that

and talk about it right away so we don't waste time. And the other thing that I think that we forget when people are like going back to like, I'm just throwing out all the things that I've been in my mind about this is that we often think that we can't, we only have to meet someone in a very specific way. Like either someone introduces us or we meet him on a dating app, but I want you guys to put this in your minds.

Be open to meeting people anywhere, anywhere you go. And then be like almost it, because I think now this is what I've noticed lately, and we've talked about this, Jamie, how we're so on our phones all the time that we were missing. Whenever you walk into a store, like I was in a waiting room the other day, or getting my tires fixed, like everyone was staring at their phone. Like usually in the back, and you'd be like, back in the day, you'd be like, hey, how you doing? Because you've nothing to do. You know great magazines and the car shop they're never is.

They have the car magazines. I don't want to be. You just talked to someone, you're like, cars taking longer. But now we're all of our, we have our little entertainment center with us. So we're not meeting people. So you could be the gym.

And line at the grocery store doesn't matter. Like in the subway, like they're single people. They're in front of you. Just start talking to them, say hi. Isn't that how people,, a lot of times two people always want that meet cute? Yes. Seeing whatever happens.

You're not gonna get that meet cute if you're not being open to meeting. Yes, exactly. It's just not gonna happen if you're shut down. So maybe put the phone down if you're somewhere where you're like, oh, I could meet someone or just know that everywhere is potential. Not that I'm like dating right now,

but I did actually, there have been a few times when I've been out, and I'm even though I am committed, when I'm like at a place by myself, I'm waiting for a friend or whatever, I did make a conscious effort to put my phone down and not be staring at it. And just to be like, because one, it makes you feel more comfortable when you're by yourself at places

because I feel like a lot of times people are like, I need a friend, I need something. But kind of just envy those people that go out on their own and they just seem content. Yeah. So I'm trying to do that more. That's good. That's mature. You know? I mean, I always say that not like a mature human, but like a mature in our digital I'm trying to keep my phone outside the bedroom and I.

But I'm trying to be mature phone outside the bedroom at night. Like I'm trying to be mature the way I'm managing my technology, all those things. So I think that's true. Like we meet, you know, you just meet people out in the world. And if you meet someone that you like, I think ask them out. Like just do it and let them know, like, be specific.

And if you do ask someone out, have a plan in mind. Now remember this, because we still get emails and questions from people all the time to like, why this person asked me out and? Have a plan in mind. Now remember this, because we still get emails and questions from people all the time to like, why does this person ask me out and not have a plan? Or like, we all want someone to, you do the asking. Think of something to do.

And I don't think the date has to be elaborate. I don't think you need to spend a lot of money. You could be creative, or if you're just kind of person that wants me for coffee and drink and not commit, that's fine, but like, have the plan. Do you ask people out or have you're just kind of person that wants me for coffee and drink and not commit that's fine but like have the plan. Do you ask people out or have you? I have not asked anyone out. I'm trying to think if I ever have. I've no, I haven't. But I would. I've always been in relationships. I've been someone and I've mutually

we've mutually liked each other. Have you asked anyone out? I have. I have. You have. I'm very forward. I know. I love that everything about you, forward. It's good. I think that women, that's an, and I used to say years ago, know kind of like you're taking that power away or men want to be chasing is a whole thing, but I think we all should

be asking people. We find someone interesting. Hey, let's, let's go out. Let's do something. Like follow through if you meet someone you have that connection, don't wait for that other person. And I hear from men all the time who are like, they hear years later, someone liked them, and they're like, I wish I knew because I never asked her out or she was going to ask

me out. And this goes for same sex, same sex, couples, of course, anywhere you are. Like, you see someone like, you just, just be honest. I think we're all really afraid of rejection and being hurt in every situation. And so I think we just can't take it personally. Someone's going to say no to us. And then also if you are on the apps or let's say you're on the app so you're just going to date. This is the other thing that people I used to get tripped up on this too and who knows could happen again. But now that we're talking about it, if you go out of date. This is the other thing that people I used to get tripped up on this too and who knows could happen again. But now that we're talking about it, if you go out

with someone a date and you think it was great and they don't call you ask you out of a getter voice versa or they don't. Yeah. And in your mind, you're feeling like what I do wrong and you're trying to analyze it. Maybe you want a few dates. If you went on three dates with someone, that should be the end that we hear. Like we shouldn't talk about immigration. Think about it. It shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You know, just keep getting back out there again. Like don't let that way you down. The most important thing is to get out, keep dating and don't keep asking.

Like don't keep thinking like what I do wrong and obsessed because when you are dating and you're in that world, you can feel like you can start to feel bad about yourself. Like there's nobody, why don't people like me? And was it something I said or wore or did? And the truth is, it doesn't matter why you didn't get asked out again. It could be a million reasons. And it's probably not the things that you're worried about.

Exactly. And I think a lot of us, and I used to feel this way, everyone needs to like me. Yes. I like, I need everyone that I need to like me. Otherwise, my life is not fulfilled. And I've had to work to get past that. Cause not, there are so many people in the planet, there's no way, not everyone's gonna like you.

People pleasing, it's true. That's a good point too, cause on dates I've done that too. Like I think that a lot of times we go into dates as the pleasers and we're like, I don't even know how I feel about this person that's sitting across from me on this date, I'm just gonna try to get them to like me.

So I'm not even paying attention if I like them because I want them to like me. And then I'll decide. But when you're on a date, that is such a great time to be super present and just think like, how do I feel right now? How is this person making me feel? Like, it's about both of you together

because I think there'd be a lot less confusion if we did all like more, we're present, paid attention to, like, messaging from people and whatever they're making us feel. Yeah, because you get so hung up on the rejection that you forget to ask yourself, but do I even want to do this person again? Yeah, I ever want to see this person again.

Do I want to kiss him? Am I attracted this person? So, and I think one of the most important things too is to think about it your past. Like, what? This is an important lesson that I think, so it doesn't be go through breakups and we just like are angry or something bad happened and we're like, you know, my ex was an asshole and everyone's an asshole. But I think the most, we do our best learning about ourselves, like really important lessons

we learn in relationships with people. And then when we break up, it's a great time to look at what we've learned. Like what did I learn from this relationship? What was my part in it? That's a big one, especially if you've been dating for a long time and there's a commonality,

guess what, it's you, right? Not the person. You get to 10 people and every time there's some kind of issue around sex or intimacy or something You're like, oh, what is my part in it because every relationship is 50 50 and I'm going to say it this way even if someone cheated And the unthinkable You have a partner in some way

like In your reaction to it in your not you didn't make someone cheat on you I swear I was the best person ever I mean like what did you rather than just being angry that your partner cheated like in your not you didn't make someone cheat on you. You're like, I swear I was the best person ever. I mean like what did you rather than just being angry that your partner cheated like that doesn't mean that the whole relationship was horrible. There's still parts, I mean the whole you know I'm saying

there was probably some good things and there's still lessons to learn if something really bad happened at the end is my point. Definitely. So it doesn't mean like, oh, but he was just a jerk or she was a bitch or whatever it is. So look at that. It's such good.

That's why I think it's important to try to not jump right into a relationship when you're single and it's important to take time to really learn about who you are again single and then what you want once you get back out there. And I used to not do that because I felt like I would go from one to the next because I didn't like being alone. And then I realized, who the hell is Emily without a man? Who am I in the world? So then I would take that time.

And then it was a lot clearer when I started didn't again like, what the hell do I want? Do I want? The thing about rejection, like we always say, man, it's you always say, great, it's like, it's not gonna kill you. Like to go up and talk to someone, you're not gonna die if she says no,

or the worst thing that happens, and you get better. But I think about it like also working in entertainment you know all about rejection. Oh, they long and I didn't know that when I started that you know the first time I got rejected I did a pilot that they can pick up. I was devastated you know I was like in bet I was like I can't my life is over you know you just realize oh that that happens actually all the time. My mom's like, George Clooney, he had 13 pilots, I think, and Kippick thought before he had, he, yeah. Like, okay, mom, I got it, I got it.

And now you do get it. And you get, and it also being on, you know, so you get that it's going to be a reduction and that it's just about, it's not about, you know, how many times you fall down, and it's about how you get back up. And the truth is, the things in life, you know, I think our success in life is built on a lot of projection because it makes if you keep going and you keep going and you don't

stop yourself. So I think we all just have to, you know, learn, learn to deal with it and look at it as a gift sometimes when you get rejected. Yeah. And how you can move forward from that and create the life that you want. Sound like a... Don't dwell on it. Don't dwell on it. But I was gonna also say, oh, and also like the fear of speaking, I used to be terror when we did the live show. So many started going on the 10th year of doing this show. I was live on, I started as a podcast and then I was live on the radio live, never been in a radio studio before the first night. I was on, so the first year I was, I was terrified or the first six months.

Like, I would prep for 12 hours before the show that whole day. And then the whole time driving to the station, I would have this huge pit in my stomach. It's scary. And now I'm like, I walk in, I don't think about it. You know what I'm saying? You get used to those things and you get better at it. So I believe that everything, you know, you didn't used to be afraid of being in the radio

so we were just kidding. Yeah, I can barely speak. They have to put the volume up all the way. Yeah, and now look at you, you can't shut up. So, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, but I'm just saying. I still fumble when I have a lot of people looking at me at the same time. I do a morning radio show where there's three other people in the room and at any moment I'm thinking that they're not

interested in anything that I'm saying. And then I start fumbling over my words because they're like all looking at me. Could you get in your head? Yeah, and I go crazy. I think we're all so afraid of being judged and we think like rejection is like such a, you know, it's a death, it's like our worst thing ever because we all have self doubt. And so if someone rejects us, we think they're right. You know, we take their side, they're right, they're rejected me and then we make up stories.

Oh, he doesn't want to date me, he didn't call me back because I said this, you know, I insulted, you know, his mother over dinner while what she did for a living or my dress was too short or I was really slutty or I drank too much and most times things that we worry about aren't even really what's happening. So when you're sitting there on the morning show, you're awesome on the show. They're not thick and menace as a boring tool. They wouldn't have you on, but in our minds, we tend to go to that place and it makes us stand in.

Oh, and the worst person ever. Right. And the worst person ever and they're right. So rejection gives a chance to like, you know, be mean to ourselves. But, and another thing too, believe it or not, rejection or even if they're into you, is awesome either way.

Why? Because if you get rejected, you're not wasting any more of your time on that person, you know? Exactly, if a gift. Yeah. Because then you think they show you who they are, they're not into you. You can be cool with them or not,

and then you get to move on and move on to the next person. Exactly. If you just stay in that, you know, friend zone, or just in that limbo, you don't know if they like you or not, and you're too afraid to, you know, make that next move, you're gonna waste so much time in your life or other opportunities that you can meet somebody else. And that's why you should, exactly, you're absolutely right.

And so I always say, you're sometimes people, when you hear, we're gonna get into this in a minute, but when you hear, you know, we're on two dates, it was the best date I thought he was the one and then he didn't call. It's like, okay, well, better, he did you a favor, actually, because you thought it was great. It wasn't, this is gonna hurt maybe for a few weeks,

but don't criticize yourself and think it's something that you did, he showed you exactly who he was, and maybe that, and it's probably maybe another girl. If a who knows what happened, it doesn't matter. Put that aside and move forward, because so many people are in relationships for way too long. But it should be over in five minutes and there together for three years.

The thing about rejection is it could be very bone crushing right? It's as she when it comes to love. It's like your knife goes through the heart when someone doesn't text you back, call you back or if you're in love with them. Even more, you know, even more so like you're in a relationship. You think it might not worthy of love and might not good enough. Is it me that need, you know, do I need to change my problem? And the initial shock of rejection can make you feel like you can't breathe and you think, ah, you know, I'm going to become someone else

because this person doesn't like me. So what I'm saying is that if a relationship is done and someone rejects you, it's how you move on. So dating is a numbers game. You just gotta keep putting yourself out there and the possibility of being rejected looms sure does and you will get rejected. You might reject it a hundred times, but you keep going until you meet someone and it is not going to kill you and I guarantee

it makes you stronger. So let me move on to the tips of this. So let's say you're at a bar. All right, I'm at a bar. And you're chatting up someone and seeing things seem like they're going really well and let's see you ask for their number. Yes, check for a number. And she says no.

How would you respond? It's a, okay. Thank you. Right. Okay, good eggs. Moving on. Thank you. So, right.

And then maybe you talked to someone else, hopefully. So, I think, yeah, the best way to say, okay. Maybe you want to say, you missed down a great time, but it was nice to meet you and move on. That's it. No, no. Don't do that. Then she'll think you're adorable. Okay, fine. Just say, okay, thanks, whatever, have a good night, and then there's a million other

people at the bar. Don't let this stuff get you down on it. There's no point in letting one misconnection ruin an entire night of being out and about. The other thing is, the next one is, it's an online dating ghost trick. How people kind of disappear online. So let's say you're messaging with is, it's an online dating ghost trick. How people kind of disappear online. So let's say you're messaging with someone, it's going great. You have the same case to movies. You find out that you have the same dog, you went to church camp with their neighbor or

something, and there's inside jokes. You guys, you already have a picture, you guys walk it down the aisle to get out of something. And the conversation goes on maybe for a while, and things are great, and you have plans to meet. And all of a sudden, this person can't still to date. What do you do? Don't message them or talk to them at all.

Stop it immediately. Yeah. If this goester, because they disappear, they don't respond to your last comeback. Don't sit there and over-analyze it. I shouldn't have said this. I shouldn't have said that. Why did they talk? You didn't talk to your girlfriends for two hours about it. It doesn't matter. Don't message them. Delete them. Don't see if they've already been back on low. They were on their account three minutes ago. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. And so, what

I'm saying is these things hold us back and we let it paralyze us But the more you the quicker that you move forward from these things you just gotta let it go You've no idea what was wrong Maybe you have no idea what happened to him and it doesn't but you didn't even meet this person It really doesn't matter so keep on matching and winking and swiping and try a luck with someone else So don't you know? Don't hard on things don't hard on things and don't, I guess I just hear this all the time because you we always talk about this. How women and I will agree with you on this that women tend to guys don't really talk

about it. They might be upset if a woman doesn't get back to you, but you're not going to send an analyze over two hours and show your friends the series of text message and listen to it, listen to his voice mail and watch all the messages. We went, this is what women do. And I'm telling you, it is a way, you could solve world hunger really, with all the time the women spent analyzing ridiculous and men, dates and things that didn't go your way.

So this happened, and this is happening more and more online too, I think, that you get interested in someone and then you're going through everything about them online. My picture was bad, I knew I shouldn't put that photo up, maybe it was the way I said this. Who the hell knows? And even in life, bigger picture,

the things that we worry about happening are the reasons why we think we got fired from the job or didn't get the loan or didn't get the raise is not what you think anyway. So just let it go and work on yourself. And also, it's important too when things happen, like even if you get rejected from a job or something, let's just say you didn't get interview, you didn't get the job and the interview went well. There's nothing wrong with looking at it and saying,

hmm, I wonder why, you know, maybe I didn't get it and then going back and saying, you know what, I'm not going to dwell on this. I'm going to take all this energy that I could spend being really bummed out till it's a you're planning for a writing job. I'm going to go home and I'm going to write for hours and three hours today. I'm going to really improve on this skill. It's not that maybe it wasn't even that you were a bad writer, maybe they wanted a broom net instead of a blind. It doesn't really matter, but the truth is the more that you work on yourself and you put all that negative energy that you're thinking and

improving whatever it is, your self-esteem, your skills, you'll fare better on the world. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back onto your calls. When we've talked, so you have the dog now and you said kind of putting a damper on your love life, you know in the past, you were dating online. Do you know what it's like on the apps, right? Yeah, I'm on like, tell me. Do you need different apps right now? Yeah, I'm on like, tell me different apps right now.

I feel. And it's like a photo there. It's hard out there, but if you got it in you, stay on the apps. It is time consuming, but I keep hearing with the whole dating app thing that it's all in the numbers, which is such a shitty thing to hear.

Dating's always been about the numbers. I mean, yes, as you say to those invitations that you don't really want to go to that person's house, but you like some of their friends for their barbecue. Like, that's how you meet people. Yeah, but I really like sweatpants. I know. I was like, with all the love.

I know. I think of all the time I spend getting ready in my life. Like, could for sure solve World Hunger or maybe learn like a third language or something? Absolutely. That's how the man holds women down. Exactly. What is he doing? down. Exactly. He might shower. He might shower, right? But we've got outfits and makeup and things. Are you right? I like

sweatpants too. That's true. So you can say I'm a sweat more rough and then going out. I definitely spend way more time on the apps than I go on the actual dates themselves. But I've been going on a few dates. There was a period of a few weeks where I was going on like two dates a week, which is big for me, because I don't date on school nights. Right, okay. I have things to do.

So that's like two weekend nights. That's a lot of time for me. I'm like, you do a weekend. Yeah, it's a lot of time. So Friday, Saturday, when do you see your friends? Like, when are we gonna have dinner? Well, I just see my friends on the week. I guess it's better.

We could see it. It could Thursdays are better anyway. Yeah, I like that. I like that. Sunday night family dinner? Well, I just see my friends on the week. I guess it's better. We could see it. It could thirst as better anyway. Yeah, I like that. I like that. Sunday night family dinner with my girlfriend's is great. Okay, here's my question for you. So Friday, Saturday, you have a date. Mm-hmm.

And you probably, I've been, I've dabbled in the apps for sure. I think when you're single and you want to find someone you're, you got to include them. But if, I don't see what people don't like to do that. And what, but you're saying that Friday and Saturday, you're like, nope, it's just for dating. And then when you probably match with a lot of people as well as what I was gonna say, doing so many apps,

I'm sure you meet a lot of people. I, yeah, I match. How do you decide who gets Friday, who gets Saturday, do you really do two, like one for drinks, one for dinner? No, I have done that. But no, you have to. You have to.

You have to. Plus, you already have your makeup on. You took your yoga pants off, so like, might as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I like mine as well. I and that guy walked in. No. No. The guy from the earlier date? Yeah. What'd you do? I just turned my whole body around. I don't know if he saw me. Was he on a date as well though, probably.

He was on dinner. I literally just saw him walk in. He just walked in. And I was like, this is karma for being an asshole. Right. No, but that's not an asshole thing to go out with someone else three hours later. He's being an efficient asshole. It's being efficient.

We all do this. No, my friend Anna and I had this thing, and we would match with the same exact guy's on Tinder for like months. We were both single and she's like, have you gone out with this one yet? I'm like, I have. So we kind of give each other the heads up

on the guys that I'd already dated and she had already dated, which was kind of funny because we're very similar over the same age. And then one night before we crossed, checked our notes, she's like, I'm with a guy right now that you're actually going out within two hours. Like he had said, I have another date with this sex with Emma, she's like, I'm with a guy right now that you're actually going out within two hours. Like, he had said, I have another date with this sex with Emily.

I just like, don't bother. Like, it was, yeah. But he had said on the date he had another. Yeah, something to come up about how often they're using the apps or maybe he had looked over on Facebook. I don't remember what, but by somehow he said it, I don't remember now if it was like, she, oh, she wrote my name up and said, my friend Emily,

because we're really tight. And she's a podcast and he was like, oh, sex with Emily, I have a date with her. So then she got to save me from not going out with them. Anyway, let's give the illusion that she or going out with one person. See, but that's why I want to correct you. So why play the game that it's the only one you saved.

You're going to go home and like after that and wash her hair. Like they used to say in the 80s like this right I'm sorry not tonight I have to wash my hair 70s but um was it the 60s? I don't know who did women say I'm gonna wash their hair it was always a dull thing but I don't know I'm gonna do it don't wash my hair I'm gonna go home and like you know knit or whatever you do yeah yeah yeah so you're not an asshole for that I want to say you are being efficient strong independent woman that's what I've actually found is that efficiency is my biggest tip for other people that are dating as well And being efficient like knowing what you like knowing what you don't like and not trying to play the game of texting And then eventually ghosting or what is it called bread come bread crumbing?

I don't know but there's new thing there's what what's the other way? There's like what I'm called like passive ghosting or something something new thing I don't know but there's new thing. What's the other way? There's like one called like passive ghosting or something? Is there a new thing haunting? I'm really good at telling guys I'm not interested like after a date I'm really good at texting them the next day like thanks so much. This is a great meeting you Not interested and moving on you are very patient. No, I have you always been that way You like that. I feel like I get that stuff. No, I used to be nice Like you know how girls are taught to be nice.

You know, we have to be like, oh, sure, let's go on a second date, even though I have zero interest. Exactly. Right, I want to be nice. I want to like me. I used to talk to myself feelings. I don't want her.

She did buy me a nice dinner. Or I would think, well, maybe he'll grow on me. Yeah. Well, he is good at paper. Oh, my friends met and they liked them. So now, how have you, Hannah Kranson, learned to be more efficient in what you want? That's like a really good skill.

So two different things. One being, like, if I went on a date a few months ago, maybe, with a guy who told me that his 2018 resolution, his 2018 goal, was to develop empathy. Are you serious? Yeah. And then he asked for a second date, I'm like, you just told me, you have zero empathy. That is amazing. Yeah. That's literally the best thing I've ever heard. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And you know, a very sweet, vulnerable place? Maybe or no, did you not even attach to it? I don't even think he understood what he was saying.

Right. But he was tall, attractive, and Jewish. And so my mom is like, well, do you think that maybe, you know, something like no. Right. Right. Like, is it all ready for a challenge for a lot of people? And we're just realizing that the Aikatika mirrors.

Yeah, so you just got to, like, if there's something like that, that's a good instant deal breaker. I forget that. And then my new thing is on dates, and this is a bold move, but it shouldn't be bold, is that ask men if they consider themselves a feminist. Oh, yeah. Okay. Just ask them if they identify as a feminist, and it's interesting to see

how men either squirm or not or how they respond or how they justify that they don't identify as a feminist. So it's kind of the interesting question is sit across from somebody and say, well, I'm be like, hi, do you think I'm an equal human to you? Okay, but okay, but I could see many a man being taken abackly, I thought she was right now with me too and everything. And feminists is so, it's so charged. What kind of answers are you getting? Things like, you know, I'm really close with my mom, but, or I don't like to label myself, but like that whole sort of thing.

I wonder if we could reframe it though, rather than like a yes or no or an answering it, but is there another way to get to the same answer? Because what if he just says, first of all, he might just say yes, because it's like, I'm not gonna tell some hot chick who's like, I think he's probably my soulmate. How many people say no?

Just to be asked, those are the really not. I think they really are not. So why would a guy say no, I'm not, and he would say I'm not a feminist because I believe I'm superior? I think the problem is, I don't think people necessarily understand their words, what they want to be.

That's what I'm saying, right? Because of course, that was my first concern. Yeah, like the movement in itself has different sex that you may or may not agree with, right? There are sex within feminism that I do not agree with. There are sex that are not inclusive and things of that nature. There are some that are maybe a little too out there for me,

but that's okay. I still agree with the core concept that we should be politically, economically, socially, that are maybe a little too out there for me, but that's okay. I still agree with the core concept that we should be politically, economically, socially, and personally equal to men. Okay. And that's what the word means. That's what it means.

That's true. So I'm wondering though, I'm just helping you bring it in terms of dates. Maybe this is why I'm single. Maybe that's the problem. Well, I gotta be honest, I think it's that some men, they might see that it's kind of like an attack or like there's no way to answer this correctly.

It's kind of like saying, do you love in respect? Like are you a good guy? Are you not an asshole? Like do you love women? Like are you gonna burn your broth for me? I don't know what guys think of it, but I feel like there's a way of saying like, I think it would help by asking about their relationship

with their moms and their sisters and other women in their life. If they feel like, oh my boss, be like, here she, that's how you find out. It's how they treat and think about women. I know that we shouldn't talk about X's on a day. I always say, don't talk about your X on the first date or for Fee Fee. I don't have very many rules in that way, but it's more like when people bring up their X's, typically they think, oh my X was crazy. Everyone's X was crazy apparently.

We all think the same person. And everyone's X is crazy. And then there's a story there. However, I think it can also be telling because when someone's still in the mode of like, oh, she was crazy or she did all these things, they still haven't taken responsibility for their relationship yet. So it's like, because there's two, there's two to tango, there's two and people in every relationship. So yes, you might think you could have cheated and lied and sold your money. And you could still say they did all these things, but you were with them, you chose it.

What was going on in your life maybe that granted? We're also met victims sometimes for sure. I'm just talking about the whole X-ray. I'm going off an whole thing here, but like I just think you can tell a lot about people's relationship with women by asking them and eventually when you get the X thing Yeah, find out like what really happened? Have they healed?

All right. Yeah, and you can tell like like you're talking about now like if how the way a man talks about his mom or their X is that's a really good point if they you know express You know respect for them and it just didn't work out as soon as they say I still have a lot of respect for her But blah blah blah blah then that's a good thing, but we're still really good friends. Yeah. Yeah, whatever it is. Okay, yeah, you're doing good. Okay, so what else have you found out in rapid fire dating? Um, in the stage of Hannah. Guys don't like to be told that you're not interested or that you don't want to continue.

I have, I actually brought text. Oh, I love that. I feel like text because what you're saying now, you're also being more decisive and you're telling them the variant, you're not playing like you're not ghosting. I don't want to play the game. I don't want to play the whole,

let me string you along for however long or pretend that I'm interested if I'm not, it's not and it doesn't work for me and it's not good for you. Right, okay. Right, it's a way better to just break and then move on with your day. Yeah.

Right, so I told a guy that I wasn't interested in continuing our relationship, but it was great getting to know him and I wished him all the best. So then he goes into this like four paragraph thing about how I'm the problem with the LA dating scene. No. Yeah. Let me see your subject.

He says something to the effect of like, well, he wanted me to meet his friends like on the third date, which was a little, I mean, whatever. I don't like the dates. I've introduced people like very early on. Yeah, there's only after two dates. So he gets very upset that I didn't get to meet his friends that I'm the problem with the LA dating scene, but then this is where it gets weird. He says, now you've left my dog without a mom.

This was after two dates. This is your next show, whatever your date. Was it joke, though? I don't know. I think that's a funny thing to say. Come on, I think that- Oh, maybe. I think about it. You've messed say. Come on, I think that. Oh, maybe. I think about it.

You've messed up. No. Three dates. This was two dates. Two dates. He says, now you've like, let me hear it. I think it was a joke. I can't say dog name.

Did you meet the dog name? Did you meet the dog name? Did you meet the dog name? Did you meet the dog name? No, we never met. I never met the dog. We met the dog. Interesting.

No, dog name. That's a big deal. You need to do somebody to your dog. That's a good job. I didn't introduce somebody to my parents before my dog. Right. Because what if your dog decides to pissing on them? Then you can't date this person. But they don't like them. I mean, come on.

Wait, so that's okay. So that's okay. But what do you say in these texts when that's a hard thing after two dates? So you get in front of it. You don't even wait for them to say, oh my god, that's amazing. That's just an Saturday. You're like, nope. I try to be like, you know, so great getting to know you,

but I'm not interested in committing, you know, it can be really exciting. What do you say? I'm not interested. I say like, I'm not feeling that connection. I'm not feeling, it's like, great getting to know you a bit, but I don't think I'm interested in continuing our relationship. I wish, I wish you the best though.

Exclamation point. Okay, good. If you add an exclamation point, everything is nice. Right, right, right. No, I think this is great. It's a concise, no, this guy didn't want to take it. I mean,. Okay, good. If you add an exclamation point, everything is nice. Right, right, right. No, I think this is great. It's a concise now. This guy didn't want to take it or he's going to do feel bad. Yeah, he's just, I think he's,

you guys get frustrated sometimes. And I get that dating is frustrating and it's hard and rejection sucks. But I think the way that we can have better dating experiences is if we shift our mindset, right? It's not about rejection. It's not rejection. It's not rejection.

It's not rejection. It's not about... It's not about... Yeah, we weren't about chemistry. If somebody's not into you, that's a great knowledge to have, knowledge is power, then use that power to go find somebody who is, who's obsessed with you because there's somebody out there who thinks you are the hottest, but if this isn't that person, why try to force them to be? Right, why spend so much time with Ben?

Because he might have been like, oh, Hannah, what would I do wrong or women would think, oh, why did he do this? You get that kind of message, it's a freedom. Yes, this rejection thing. We got to stop. Well, that's one thing I want to say is we do spend a lot of time, I think, and I have so many friends who contact me, actually more guys lately, who have gotten texts like you just said

But the women I think you are such a good role model here because my guy friends are getting texts that are similar But they're couched in all this other language that they've actually sent me texts to decipher They're like do you think she's trying to end it or not? Because she'll say something to the effect of like same thing that they'll have gone out a few times and my guy friends Like and it was amazing and she made out with me we made plans but now she wrote me this and it's like my life's really busy right now work is just taken over and I'm traveling and I think you're great but right now is not a great time for me because I'm busy or something like that.

And then they're like do you think I should still pursue it? Should I convince her because then they don't get it. But you're like, no connection by by. You just sell it out, you have to sell it out. Yeah. And I also think another component of it is like, oftentimes, the way we have, I guess stereotypical gender norms,

men feel like they're facing rejection a lot more than women because they're like, supposed to ask the women out and do all this kind of stuff. So I've actually challenged myself and I challenge other women to do this, is ask a guy out or confront somebody. I thought there was a guy that was really hot at my gym, so I went up to him and handed him my number. And I was like, whoa, I feel like the most liberating feeling.

I walked out, I was like, I don't even care if he texts me. I felt on top of the world because I took a huge risk. And I think if more women take those risks then we can like level the playing field and we can have real relationships that aren't so rooted in fear. You're so right. We're so suffocated and held back by fear.

Like everything. Procrastination is fear, anxiety is fear. Like stress is fear. Totally. Everything's fear. I love that you just went up to them because I don't see like everything else to be equal. How do you feel though, since you should ask people out, Hannah Cranston, I want to know

how you feel about a new study that said more than 60% of women prefer to pay on the first date. Love it. You're going to pay the first date? Love it. I always pull out my credit card. Not all men let me pay on the first date. There's a lot of guys who still want to do that,

which, you know, that's a lovely gesture, and I'll say I'll pay for the next date or whatever it may be, but every single time I offer. No matter what. But do you do a reach and hope they don't take it secretly, take your money? Because I should. Come on, you put a full on, or do you do this?

The reach. No, I do the full on, I pull it out, I pull it out all the way. Can you whip it out, I pull it out all the way. Can you whip it out? I whip it out. I try to whip it out before them too, so that they know. Do they know I mean business? I think this is interesting because I have to say I was still in the field like I kind of like when a guy would pay because I don't know, they're just something like I feel like they, I was kind of coming from the old mindset that it'll be like emasculating or men like to be in charge

or that I don't know, just kind of an older norm around this and I think it has changed and then there's, but there's also part that it's like, also I've gone through the whole phase like I'll make an effort, but I don't want them to take my credit card, even like offered. And then there's the ones, so I've kind of gone into different phases of it, but now I'm like enough for it, but I don't want them to take my credit card, even though I offered. And then there's the ones, so I've kind of gotten a different phase of it,

but now I'm like, you know, if we really are all equal in so many ways, and plus most dates are paid for ahead of time, you're doing an event and adventure, how many times are you really at dinner? Like dates are so many more things right now that I feel like maybe a good way to think about it, and not for everybody,

because it also depends if you're dating someone who's more, I don't know what, to ask for the date who plants up the extravagant, you're not gonna split it, you weren't in charge. Right, I think there are like some exceptions, right? Let's talk about it. Because I do think, I agree.

I think like in some cases, like if you can tell that a guy is feeling insecure or you know, they were used to mask it because you want to, you know, put the bill or split the bill or however it is, I think that's something to take notice of but then of course retreat, right? Because you don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable on a day. But I do think that there are some politics to it, right? Because if like, so for example, I retract my former statement because I was invited on a first date,

it was a blind date, and he invited me to Nobu. And girl, I am a boss bitch, but I ain't Nobu boss bitch. Right. You know what I mean? Right, Nobu is one of them. It was like beautiful. Was it Malibu or Nobu? It was my solid one.

Yeah, but it's an amazing Japanese restaurant. Yeah, and the best. But it's in Los Angeles. It's expensive. But it's like at least $200, $300 a person. At least. Even if you're not drinking it. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And so on that day, I was like, I don't know what to do. So I still pulled out my credit card because I was like, no, like, feminism. Right. Right. But then I was like, oh my god, please don't take this. Right, I'm over my limit. I'm over my limit.

Please don't accept it. I have to be right. There's a bunch of other drugs. OK. So there's a situation like that where somebody, there's a huge disparity and salary and somebody suggests a restaurant that's out of your budget.

I think you're right. I think you're right. I think you're right. Sort of feel out the situation. Case by case. If it's a guy or a woman, whatever kind of relationship you're in, I guess right. I think you're right. Sort of feel out this adjuation. Case by case, if a guy or a woman, whatever kind of relationship you're in, I guess it feels like if you're, you know, whoever you're dating, same sex, gay, straight,

wherever it stage you're at, I think if you do the asking and the planning, maybe that's who should pay. Yeah. And that's a good way to kind of like, you plan it, you pay for it, and then maybe next time, because I think this is where my heart then maybe next time, because I think this is where my heart goes out to men where I think like men are used to a lot of rejection

and men, because I also think like there always ones have to make the decisions, make the first move, make the plan. So like why not kind of like help with it in a way by not making these assumptions that they have that they have the money. I wish they shouldn't take you somewhere they can't afford. But like it's expensive for men. not making these assumptions that they have that money. I wish they shouldn't take you somewhere they can't afford. But it gets expensive for men. Like I always say it's expensive for women

because we have to buy the makeup and pay for the wax. So whatever else we do, we do. When you say that, now I never want to pay for a meal again because no man can ever match up to always spend. Always spend in preparation. But it does get expensive for men. And I want to acknowledge that because I never want to take advantage of that.

And I think a way that I've been doing it on my dates that I've found to be successful is if he pays for dinner, then I'll be like, okay, I'll get, like if we're going to go to drinks afterwards, I'll get the drinks afterwards, I'll get, like I had a date this weekend, I got ice cream afterwards. Yeah. I was like, you get that double scoop. Right, go ahead.

She got mama over here. That's precoz. Get sprinkles, right? Make it a double. No, you're right, I thought exactly. I was like, you get that double scoop. Go ahead, I mean. She got mama over here. That's pretty close. Get the freaks, right? Make it a double. No, you're right. I thought exactly. I like that because I like, you know, it basically says that, yeah, there's the women are realizing the financial pressure dating can have a men

and they don't want to take advantage of them. Confidence. So the reason why I found interesting too is that the study says that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a prospective partner. I think that that's true. I think men and women always say, if you're confident, you can literally rule the world and perhaps

be my partner. So a woman's thing that has a power move rather than the past, who might have seen it as a more masculine move. So it could be its most go-both ways. Totally. Wait, let's get into power moves, because I think this is really important. So I think that's a huge power move. If you suggest a tie, I also, my new power move is never wearing heels on the first day. I wear a converse almost every single day.

Yeah, that is like my power move. Because you're like, I'm not dressing up for you. Yeah, just like, I'm not like that I'm coming. I'm not filming like straight from the gym. You're not wearing the yoga pants. No, unfortunately. You take off the yoga pants, but no, I, but it's like I come casual, like I'm, you know,

I'm excited to meet you, but I'm not trying to be uncomfortable. Did you were converse to Nobu? I wore booties, I didn't wear like, you'll be close. Yeah, I got it. Booties are the, are the kind of not trying to hard converse. Okay, guys, take some calls. All right, let's talk to Scott, who is 53 in Florida.

He needs advice on how to approach the dating scene after being absent for so long. Alright, hey Scott, that's a good question. I'm gonna help you. Tell me what's going on. Hey, I'm, let me say hey, I'm a Lee and I, I want to say, because nobody ever says a word about it. James back there, James is a, she's killer. She has me and hysterics on a knee and a nightly faces with a little sarcastic grob. Oh, she's a bomb. Yeah, thank you. Jamie's my girl.

People, yeah. Jamie's poppin' and now Michelle has to come out of her shell. Yeah, she's doing it. Michelle's coming out. I'm here. I'm just new. It's a frightening atmosphere. You gotta walk your way through all the sexual devices.

It's an uphill battle. It is, Scott. But we got her. We're a good family here. Yeah, Jamie's the bomb. I am grateful for every single day. Really, three years we've worked together. And then we started the show and she's like, bam, it's amazing. Shell's great. Yeah.

Talk to me, Scott. My little team here of love. How can we help you? Well, my life is sort of in disarray and the romantic side. I have an ex-wife that I'm friendly with, but not romantic with. Although she would like to be romantic,

my current tenant to all of his first is an ex-girlfriend from 2013. So the ex-girlfriend leaves all of his first and that's being solved. The ex-wife, I don't want to be romantic with so that's easy enough to handle. And if she doesn't want to be just friends that's fine. So I put myself on a dating site on Sunday night and had a few things to look at Monday morning which was surprising. And I've been talking to somebody and I'm not a big fan of this text in yeah, so you really got got to the phone thing good things

You know, we've got some good good reports going on, but I don't know the rules I don't know what I'm allowed to ask about. I mean we got a couple things in common. No kids independent 420 friendly, so that would be our wine. Yeah, perfect What 20 friendly so that would be our wine? Yeah, perfect. She's, I have to be prepared because she's kinky now. I'm going to meet up for the first time on Thursday. I don't know what the grooming rules are.

I don't know if anything. Okay, Scott. Okay. She sounds. Okay. Okay. Well, first of all, Scott, you sound like a good guy. You have good, you have good humor since the humor because Jamie is a lairist, but listen, I gotta tell you something Scott.

And is that you're in a good place. First of all, you got in the dating set. You already found a woman who's kinky. So really, here's the thing about the good how old is she? How old is she? She's 48. Okay. So she's like in your generation. I mean, here's the thing. Okay, so I think that there's a certain element of you just being you. And being honest, God, who's gotten through dating before and even if you say, I don't know the rules I haven't done it and you're being your authentic self and saying that, that is, oh no, they're freaking out to go in a minute. And I also think that here's a thing, when she says she's kinky, I think it's great to ask her what that means. Tell me more about it and to ask a lot of questions. As far as grooming, I don't care about it, but a lot of guys trim.

Some guys shave. You gotta see what's comfortable for you. And I love that you're meeting right away. And I think the more you can talk to people and meet them sooner, then just keep texting and all the apps. And the last thing I'm gonna tell you is because we do have to go, is that now that you're out there dating, let everyone know that you're single and look at every opportunity when you're out doing errands and your life that there are single

people everywhere and you just gotta talk to them and say hello and be your fantastic self. Alright guys, hope you enjoyed this show. Let me know. What topics do you want to hear about it? There are certain things that you would like to hear more of on the show. I always want to know because I always want to make a show that feels good to you and me. Alright guys, thank you and thanks to our amazing team Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me. Feedback at sexwitheml.com. you