Sex With Emily - Valentines, Vibrators & Vulvas

Episode Date: February 6, 2021

V-Day is right around the corner! Whether you’re living your best single life or you have a special someone, I want to set you up to have a sexy, love-filled day. In this episode, I’m sharing some of my hot tips for creating the ideal date night—regardless of who it’s with. I cover everything from toy recommendations to thoughtful personal gifts you can give yourself or a loved one.I also answer questions about how to prep for anal sex, how to get back into dating in your 40s, and why wetness doesn’t always equal arousal.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What can you do to make sure that even if it's for an hour, you focus on your own pleasure? Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Listen, whether you're living your best single life or maybe you have a special someone, I just want to set you up to have a sexy, love-filled day.

Even if you don't want to cash this in a Valentine's Day, I know that in this episode you're going to get super inspired to take some of these suggestions and use them throughout the year. I'm sharing some of my hot tips for creating an ideal date night, regardless of who it's with, could be with yourself, a lover, a partner. I cover everything from toy recommendations to thoughtful personal gifts you can give yourself

or a loved one. I also answer questions about how to prep for anal sex, how to get back into dating in your 40s and why your wetness Doesn't always equal a rousal. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. You could do it It helps you just kind of really get the lessons or whatever it is that you need to learn from this show So it could be oh, I want to get some ideas for what to do when I'm alone on Valentine's Day. My intention is to help you create love-filled romantic moments whether it's on Valentine's

Day or just Tuesday night. Alright, enjoy the show. Alright, it's February. I always know because I go into the drug store and then you see the hearts and the candies and all the things and you think, okay, it's Valentine's Day. And this is the month that we're celebrating love or maybe it's the month where you're like, God damn it, it can't Valentine's Day cannot pass quick enough. I don't know a partner, I think it's stupid, it's just a hallmark holiday. And listen, I'm with you. I was reflecting that this is my 16th Valentine's Day show, going into the 16th year of Sex with Emily. So I've covered Valentine's Day and talked about it a lot,

but I'm going to tell you this. No matter what you choose to do with Valentine's Day, if you choose to participate in Valentine's Day or today that you are like not that into or maybe you're not in a relationship, I believe that is the one day of the year that's asking you to focus on, well, first love. And it could just be the love to yourself, self pleasure, self love, self care. What can you do for yourself? But also a day of sex.

Just like in Halloween, you know, it's that one day you can dress up and wear something that you maybe wouldn't wear any other time of year. I feel like Valentine's Day is like, okay, you want to try something new in the bedroom, you want to try that new toy you got for yourself, by all means, go ahead on February 14th. So if you're going to be by yourself, which is totally cool, I'm right with you there. What can you do to make sure that even if it's for an hour, you focus on your own pleasure. Just remember that we really need to have compassion for ourselves and make sure that you make a plan to do something. Whatever makes you feel good, maybe you have a gift certificate to a massage and you haven't

used it yet. Go go go get a massage Spend time with your friends and what your friends over to watch a movie or something that you know make make you laugh get your Favorite foods blurge on something that you've been sort of holding back on because listen we all work hard We're all trying to make it through this challenging life get yourself something that is the ultimate act of love challenging life, get yourself something. That is the ultimate act of love. Give yourself an orgasm. Plan for it so you don't find yourself feeling down. Now if you're in a relationship, there's always this pressure, right? You think you have to be a mind reader and figure out what your partner wants or you have to figure out what to do because you don't have plans, but I think we should just all chill out on Valentine's Day this year, make it less stress and more about love.

I think that having an experience together, a shared experience around Valentine's Day goes so much longer. It means so much more than a really expensive dinner and some flowers. That's what I think and that's what works for a lot of couples. And it's a great practice too because I think the reason why we don't have these special sexy nights at home is because we don't really know where to start. We're nervous to have the conversations. We're kind of happy with missionary position anyway.

But if you plant the seed, and you say, hey, Valentine's Day is this weekend. Let's plan on doing something together. You could even do the Yes, No, Maybe list that we have on our website, which is a brand new yes, no, maybe list. You could download that and you could do it together. It asks you all these questions. This could be your precursor. You could do it if you could do it right now.

Valentine's Day, you choose a few of the sex acts that you've agreed upon that you both want to do. Right? It has everything on it. It has anal and oral and cuddling and kissing and spaking. And maybe you'll find that you both want to talk dirty more. And then you can say, okay, Valentine's Day, we're going to try one of these things.

And you could also fill out the yes, no, maybe list, on Valentine's Day. I'm just trying to give you all the elements so you can whip this into whatever Valentine's Day recipe you want. But I love the idea of trying out something new, using our guest no maybe list, perhaps downloading our brand new pleasure planner, which is on the site, and you can download that,

and you can fill it out with your partner, and start to think about all the things that gave you pleasure in the last year. What was the most memorable times you had sex? What are your fantasies? What do you want to try in the next year? And you could sit and fill it out together while you're having some sexy appetizers

and having a glass of wine. And just remember if you do go through the pleasure plan or like, remember to plan things like vacations or dates or you know, schedule date, schedule sex for eye care. I mean, listen, if you schedule schedule sex you know what's gonna happen. So looking at something like the pleasure planner you can say okay We're going to know that Saturday nights and less further notice that's gonna be our nights and Wednesday morning.

Think about what kind of fun Conversation starters if you're with a partner you probably haven't been talking about it lately and make it fun and light You're with a partner, you probably haven't been talking about it lately, and make it fun and light. It's those little romantic gestures. It's taking things outside the bedroom and making your house a playground for a fun, sexy night. So I also want to tell you that we have a gift guide that we put a lot of energy into this year, a lot of time making sure that we covered the grounds for something for yourself, for

your partner, and we have a whole range of things. No, it's not just sex toys. So those are on there as well. And I thought, what if I kind of walked through some of those things with you and we create a special date night? So, the first thing is you always wanna set the mood, right? Even if restaurants are open where you live,

I just think save your money and do something fun at home. I love the idea of Creating a picnic in your living room and getting all your favorite foods or cooking a meal together You know, this is a night if you're in a relationship plan on seeing each other But I think we don't have to make it so difficult. We could say you know, let's beat at my house and get here at this time And then think about setting the mood, lighting a candle, have some food ready to go, and have all those sensory elements out. Maybe it's like I said, it's a candle. It could be some of your favorite foods.

You could have a playlist. Maybe you could make your partner a sexy playlist of all the songs that make you think about them and you play that. You know, light a candle, something that we have, which you know that I love are massage candles. That's also in our gift guide. We have one by Maud. And they make delicious massage candles,

which are probably one of my favorite sex accessories because you light it. It sets the atmosphere. It smells amazing. And then you blow it out and you pour it on your partner. And it's just a delicious, sexy experience. Maybe that leads up to a massage later in the evening where you're pouring the warm massage oil on your partner, and then you're using a vibrator over it.

Good that feels a vibrator over the warm oil, and then you can rub your bodies against each other. Plant a night that you both are looking forward to. You know, I always say for play all day, you can be texting about it, you could plan to wear something that makes you feel sexy. You can each show each other your favorite movie that you both love.

Maybe you could show each other your favorite sex scenes. Maybe it's the first sex scenes you saw as a teenager that really turned you on. Share some of those intimate things that you've never shared with anybody. You could each bring over your favorite desserts that maybe you've never had together. You could bring over your favorite appetizers.

Make it something that isn't too planned out and not stressful, but you're both sharing the things that have given you pleasure that maybe you haven't shared with each other. And obviously, if you've been together a long time, maybe you've already done that. I just like having a lot of different things to play with, so it could be toys, it could be different foods, it could be music, massage, just do one thing different.

Maybe you want to be tied up. Another thing I love to talk about is bondage tape. Bondage tape is this really cool reusable, it looks like electrical tape. You can easily use it to wrap around your partner's wrists so you can use it around their mouth, you can use it around their feet, and it's just like an easy way to get into some kinky play with your partner. You can blindfold them and you can get some of the mused flavored lube and have them guess the flavor, if they don't guess it, you can spank them.

The mused lube is also really great for oral sex, telling you, the mint chocolate, the creme brulee. You could also get a board game. There's one called Truth or Dare for Couples. Also in our gift guide, we've got a few games on there. I'd love to just love the idea of if you haven't used a toy with a partner, then this would be a fun time to get one you can share together. Toys are there to help you have pleasure and they enhance intimacy and they really connect you have pleasure, and they enhance intimacy, and they really connect you with a partner. And with yourself,

J.Ju has a great couples kit, they have a G-Spot vibe, it's so cool. They have this really great kit, it's a G-Spot vibe, and it's also a cock ring. And this G-Spot vibe is a small little vibe, which you think, well, how could that hit my G-Spot? You know, I don't love the term G spot. You're internal, literal nerves.

But it's the lower thirds right near the vaginal opening that has the most nerve endings. And so this toy is super compact. It does hit your spots. And then there's also a penis ring. So you could even chip in and get this for both of you and say, hey, I've got a cock ring. I've got a G spot toy. I've got've got some Lou, maybe you get some Muse Lou, I mean what a great

knight to do some oral with some mint chocolate Lou. I mean, hello, happy Valentine's Day, that's your chocolate. Get the mint chocolate Lou, and wrap that up in a box. Oh, another gift for the penis in your life is the arc wave. And the arc wave is the latest new toy from the makers of womanizer and Wevibe. They use that same pleasure air technology that we love about the womanizer and you use it on a penis.

So it's a stoker and you can wear it as a sleeve and it stimulates the frenulum that's super sensitive part on the underside of your penis. So if you're just someone who's like, I just wanna get my partner on toy. If they have a penis, leave and it stimulates the frenulum that's super sensitive part on the underside of your penis. So if you're just someone who's like, I just want to get my partner a toy. If they have a penis, check out the arc wave. It just came out and it's pretty awesome. And then there's the YAR lap, which is another great gift for yourself or for a partner.

It uses auto keglethecology. So essentially, you know those kegletheciasis that your doctor is always telling you to do, but you don't remember to do them. It strengthens your pelvic floor, helps you have stronger orgasms. You could do it for 15 to 20 minutes a day, 15 to 30 minutes, five days a week, and it is a game-changer for your sex life. You just lay back, you put it inside of you, it is not painful, and it uses like electro stimulation to help you build your pelvic floor, and you don't have to go anywhere. And then maybe you can give yourself an orgasm just to, you know, thank yourself for doing something that's good for your sexual health and wellness. And I don't think enough of you take baths together.

When was the last time you did that? You could try the Playboy CBD bath bomb. Have you ever tried a bath bomb? You literally drop it in your bath tub and then you're getting all the healing properties of the CBD. And it's really sexy to use together They also have an intimacy gel and a rousal spray. Oh, and a lot of toys these days are water proof bring those in the tub with you I mean if you just had some delicious chocolates you ran a bath You had some candles going you had some music. Maybe you get in the tub and you

Read a rhodica to each other. Say that's a pretty excellent Valentine's Day and see where it goes from there. If you're on the CBD plan, we also have the Brown Girl Jane Day and Night Drop. So it just gives your skin some extra love and they have these tinctures with CBD and other cannabinoids.

And they just really help your skin and helps you reduce stress and inflammation, helps you sleep better at night. We also have a master class subscription if you haven't you guys can watch my master class together. That's a fun thing to do on Valentine's Day. I also love we have a wine club on here. We have these are not sponsors that's certainly these are just things that we like. I think a wine club and the womanizers are great gift. They have the Lili Allen Liberty. And just remember, there's my Valentine's Day suggestions

for you, but I really think we should try to have Valentine's Day all year long. So whenever you're listening to this, try to think about what could I do in my relationship to make sure that we're prioritizing our pleasure that we're connecting with each other, that we're communicating and we are in a healthy place. And if we're not, oh, we're gonna plan to get there.

But you know, I'm here to help. And I love you all. Thank you for following me on this Valentine's Day journey. Again, happy Valentine's Day. We're gonna take a quick break when we come back. I'm answering a call about cheating with Dr. Jennifer Fried. Just a quick note, Jen and I answer the first call together, but the rest of the calls

are just with me. So in case you wonder, we're Jen wet. She's on a lot of our episodes, but I just really wanted to share that call. Alright, we'll be right back. Let's help Jessica 21 in Arizona. Hi, Jessica. You're out with myself and Dr. Jennifer Fried. How can we help you? So I'm in a relationship with a guy who is 29 and we have been dating for a little bit

over a year. We were living together for a while as well. We both have a child. But unfortunately, so far in the relationship, he has not been able to stay committed to me and his cheated multiple times. He likes to log into all of my social media accounts and monitorize if I am talking to any guys.

And I can't follow any guys on anything. I can't even talk to any family friends or cousins that are mailed. So I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to help with this insecurity. I mean, I don't do anything. I think it goes to go to work. I just don't know what to do. Jessica, honey, I'm so glad you called in.

This sounds like a really, really hard relationship. It's been a year and you already know he's cheated on you and he's trying to get you to separate you from your friends and family. And so to me, this is just, you know, and of course you sound like a, you know, you really want to help him. And I'm just, we gotta help you because it sounds unhealthy and toxic.

And just even just the fact that you found out he's been on faithful, that was one piece of it. And then he's telling me, he's telling me it's a mistake. And then he's sorry and he won't do it again. But then literally a week later, he does it again. And I'm just, I'm so tired of it. Okay. Well, I'm tired of it for you. I don't think this is good. It's only been a year and you're living together

and you both have kids and it sounds, it sounds really messy. I think that this might be one that we got. I don't know that there's any saving this relationship. I'd like you to kind of focus on you right now, if you can. I mean, I just know, right, John? I mean, we've heard about these kind of things. It's the distancing her family and friends and jealous

and turn to control. He's trying to control her. It's a hostage situation. And that's really Jessica, so unhealthy for you to be a trustworthy person that's not trusted and to be with somebody that's untrustworthy. That's about 5,000 red flags at once. And Emily and I would like to do a quick rescue and get you out of that.

Yeah, so how can we help you do that? I've already moved out just because I don't want to deal with that anymore. Great. And now he's messaging me that he wants me back. Of course. And I'm fully responsible for ruining everything. That's my fault. So I was like, no, Jessica, we're here to tell you that there are literally the

gens at 5,000 red flags. I can't even count. I can't even see. All I see is red right now. And it's really unhealthy. So of course, he's a master manipulator. I have here on the note that it says that he cheated on you 14 times. You didn't mention that on air, but someone wrote that. That's, I don't even know how you've

timed him during a global pandemic to cheat 14 times. And then what he does is clearly he's really good at getting you back. He would use his child as an excuse to not have me over. But, Chantissa Cod. Chantissa Cod. And I would find girl clothing in the house that wasn't mine. He's not your guy. He's not your guy. He's not your guy.

He's not your guy. He's not your guy. Because I was feeling crazy. And so I did it. And then I found all of that stuff. Right. Well, Chantissa Cod, this has to be you moved out. Of course, he's coming back around.

This is the manipulative. I don't know. narcissistic, whatever he is, gain that they play because he can't stand to lose you, but it's like to get you back in the same things will happen. It will. Like we've seen this pattern so many times, it's sort of a classic pattern, which is the good news for you because I can tell you with all certainty and general back me up, this is not someone that's going to change. You're 21 years old. The sooner you can distance yourself from him and start to really kind of cultivate your community around you, whether it's friends or family, I'd love you to block him. I know that's a lot. I don't think you might be happy for that, but there is no way he's going to be bringing

good into your life. So how can we support you in making those moves to separate them? Because I know that this is not your guy or your relationship. And I can't imagine people in your life think so. No, my parents do not like him. They bring me from day one that they they think thing. He's just with me because I do have a good job. He's relied on me to pay every bill that he's ever had.

Oh, Jessica, please, Jessica, you have to do me a favor. I need you to cut this guy off. I don't see the benefits. There was literally, you keep, Jessica, I don't know, we've you off another five minutes. I don't know what you're gonna tell me. Like, I can't even imagine how this could get more disturbing. You're supporting him.

He's cheating on you. He's telling you you can't talk to friends or your male cousins. He's getting you you can't talk to friends or your male cousins. He's getting you to unfollow people in social media. You have a son. You have responsibly the your son to create out the environment and you have a great job

and your parents don't like them. Jessica, I need you to leave this relationship. He's not your guy and you're 21 and I don't want you to now develop a pattern of this with guy You know, this is what happens if you stay a little bit too long. I would just love you to work on yourself right now Because the more you can work on yourself, you'll be a better mother. You'll be better at your job And then you'll be able to you know kind of heal from this and then attract partners that are healthier

I'm not sure what was attractive about it. I really haven't dated since I had my son and this is the first relationship that I've had since the father of my child. So I was like, well maybe, maybe he's just making a mistake. So this and that. And I just, I can't make an excuse this far. I'm excuse after excuse. And so I was like, you know I'm just gonna call tonight and ask if they think that he's gonna change because if not I don't want to stay in that relationship with somebody like that I'm tired. He's not gonna change. He's not gonna change and he's got a lot of issues

He's got a lot of problems. He's abusive manipulative. I've never seen anyone like this change and You you I want you to really just kind of, and I guess I understand too now that, you know, three years without, you know, you've had a baby, you haven't been with anyone. So as we forget, it just felt probably so nice to be desired by somebody, you know, we've all done that. I suppose when we, you know, and I understand that,

but I guess you can just say, the sooner you get out of this, you'll be able to see this as well, and then make better choices with the next time. But you know, don't. Yeah, I've thought about it a lot, but that's not someone that I want my son to be. No, they do learn even though he's young, he's still going to catch on to what's happening and. Absolutely. Yeah, I don't want my son to be like somebody like that. No, you do not.

You do not. And I don't like, you know, the way he's treating you and it's just, it's not healthy, right, Jen? I just want to say Jessica, the best part about this call is that it's a new year and you're 21 and you're capable and you're smart and you're attractive. And when we make a big error in judgment with a lover, the best thing we can do is go, I don't want that ever again and reset and commit to our health. And so it's your turn now to become the woman you want to be that would never put up with

this ever again. Go Jessica. Yeah. This is a Jessica. Why appreciate your guys' time so much. Okay, of course, Jessica. I feel a lot better. Oh, I'm so glad, Jessica. We got you. Okay. Take care of yourself. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to Rich 34 in New York. Hi, Rich. Hello, Emily, it's so nice to talk to you. So it's talk to you, Rich. What's going on?

It has been three years since I've had sex and I've started talking to this guy that I really like. And I'm just kind of nervous about it and I was wondering, you said, there's been so long, should I try a butt plug which I've never tried before? Love oxygen. So I just used loop like usual and just go for it.

Oh, you mean like because you think that it's closed up? Like you want to make sure you're, you're, you're, yeah, it's been a while and my ex-fee I say it was strictly oral. You didn't like sex. Oh, hence your ex, hence he's your ex. Oh yes, and I just talked to this. And with them, can you help me decide to leave him?

So thank you for that. Oh, Rich, that makes me so, I'm so glad. Well, I think that you should do, listen, if you haven't been sex in three years, this is what I would recommend. Yeah, get out the butt plug, but for your pleasure, right? Like get into your body again, masturbate, walk around naked, celebrate yourself

and get into the sexy mindset. Get into your body. Okay, I've been listening to you a few weeks ago and you said something about how every day you should masturbate for a month and try new things. Oh, I've been doing that and I found something that just blown mine. Tell me, wait, I need to know what you found out, Ranch. This is good.

Don't bury the lid. Okay, a few things. I realized that if I just put my finger on this one vein underneath my deck, sorry, penis. It's fine. And I just keep rubbing that. I will orgasm with just a finger. Is it near my testicles? Is it near my testicles?

Or the fingers underneath your balls and you press a little hard right before you ejaculate and that's been explosive? My God. Oh, okay, Rich. So what you're talking about when you apply pressure to your perineum, which is like your taint that everybody through balls, when you do that, you're actually indirectly stimulating

the prostate. So I actually encourage all of you to try that at home tonight if you have a prostate. This is amazing, Rich. And that's also been masturbating with a loop more. And now I realize I have we were a pleasure in my head than I ever did before in my nipples too, for some reason, like in the past year, that's changed too.

Oh my God, Rich, that is incredible. So you've been using lube and masturbating. So yeah, so okay, why not try a butt plug? If that will give you, and if it feels good to you, but I don't think that there's any concern, I think that you'll be fine to receive, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. And also, where I think it's good,

we got, you're such a, you're like a sexual limpion right now. I'm so impressed that we've done. I want to feel you're that much to do. Yeah, but most people just masturbate in the same way and fall asleep, but you're like, no, I'm going to actually go slow, be mindful of my masturbation and see what I could learn.

And you've got, and this is what I tell everybody that you're, we have so many arranging zones and secondary arranging zones that we never look at. And you found spots on your penis, which I believe in. Men love their penis as they're obsessed, so why not go exploring? So thank you for setting this example for everybody. Yeah, I would try. You're right. You've given me over the course. Of course. Oh, Rich, I'm so glad you're listening.

The other thing I would say though is you might be worried about it when you're about to have sex, so why not use the butt plug, then you know you'll be ready, right? So it's one last thing to kind of worry about if you, you know, if you're doing the test. And because I've been webcamming him and he's extremely big. And we both have the same, we both like a rough but passionate stuff. So that's why I was more nervous just because I like to get rough. Oh, okay, so you want, but you could also tell him to go slow and rough, right? Like you'd say, but first I need to get rough. Oh, okay, so you want, but you could also tell them to go slow and rough, right? Like you'd say, but first I need to go slow.

Yeah, yeah, that's what, like, that's where I like the passionate part where you slow down and just kiss, like I love that. I love that too. Well, remember with anal, always go slow and breathe and use a lot of loop. That's like my top advice anyway, so. Yes, water-based, water-based loop.

Water-based, or silicone, frame. Okay, let me try that one. I actually recommend silicone loop. I love pure PJUR. They make actually a loop called analise, but all loops, just lots of it. Yep. Let me know. Go ahead. Congratulations.

Can't wait. Okay, thank you. Of course, thank you, Rich. Thanks for calling. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break. Haven't done this in a while, so I thought it was time because we get so many incredible emails from all of you that you send to feedback at sexwithemily.com. So if you want to send me an email, you can send one through our website or the feedback

and always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. And I'm cool if you change your name. No worries. This is from Nicole 44 in Canada. Dear Dr. Emily, my ex-husband and I had pretty terrible sex from the start. My low libido, his erectile dysfunction, and the shame that accompanied it and poor communication all contributed. I didn't realize it was a deal breaker for him until it was. By the end of our marriage, he was telling me that I was no longer attractive to him, he

was attractive to younger women, and asked me to consider it open marriage. After we split, I found out he cheated on me, including a year-long affair, shocker, and even when you were talking of reconciling, he was pursuing other women, including the women he's now with, who's 16 years younger than me. I've done a ton of work to reflect on where things went wrong in our marriage and what I would want a new relationship to look like. A healthy sex life is one of those things, but my self-confidence is shot. Even when I attempt to masturbate, I hear him saying I'm not desirable. And then I think about him with his younger, more attractive girlfriend, total mood killer. I want to tackle this emotional and mental block. I think it's the

reason I haven't met anyone new. I'm confident every year of my life, but I feel like I come across insecure and undesirable to men. I find a hard time believing a man would find me attractive when he could have a 25-year-old. I really want to be a happy, healthy relationship, and I appreciate your advice. All right, Nicole, so this is a really hard situation, and I'm sorry you went through all of this.

You did say that you did your work, and I'm wondering what that looked like. Because to me, therapy, such a game changer for you, if you haven't had deep work around, what are the limiting beliefs, where do they come from? But the other thing is, I always talk about work and doing work outside of a relationship. But sometimes we do some really incredible work

in a relationship. So what I think would be important for you now is to just start dating people and practice showing up as your confident, secure, best self. Whatever that looks like, that self that you're out when you're hanging out with your best friends or people that you don't find attractive. The reason why I think that you're repairing your, you know, the broken trust you had and your insecurities might come in

relation to someone else. Even if it's not a relationship, just dating because I think that part of feeling desirable is finding people who actually find us desirable. And since you haven't put yourself out there, you're not realizing how desirable you are. And so I could tell you all the things I love to do about self-confidence, which is like writing down your limiting beliefs and then writing something, you know, having it in notebook or having it in your phone, something you read every morning that are like,

I am a desirable, smart, healthy woman who deserves love and pleasure. And that becomes your mantra that you just say day in and day out. You will start to believe that. But it also helps to start just put yourself out there and realize that none of this is true. You know, of course, I mean, I could say the same things

that every guy who's with me in his 40s, 50s wants to be a 725, I mean, that might be true, but I don't, you know, I have moments where I think things like that, but I just, I don't wanna spend a lot of time there because I just know that sure that will be true for some, but not for all. There are some men in their 40s or 50s who actually don't find that is interesting. They want a woman who knows herself or who's mature, who they

share, you know, more common life goals with. They're more in the same places in our life, rather than somebody who is in a different part of their life, who might be harder to form a long-term relationship. We all want different things. We all find different things attractive. And so you could start by just going out to lunch with people you find interesting or going on dating apps and practicing dating. I always like in this too, when you're looking for a job and you're going on interviews, and I remember learning this in college and they said just say yes to every interview. Even I remember like taking an interview with

a car company, like a rental company, their corporate offices. And like, there's no way, this is not for me, but I just practiced because I didn't really care if I had the job. I just knew how to go in and take interviews. One time I got a job, I remember, I'm just remembering how it's done. It was in college. It was my senior year in Macy's, it was going to fly to New York if I wanted to work in their like buyer's program, which I didn't want to do, but I did want to go to New York for the weekend. Sorry, Macy's, but I just, I got in the interview and I was like, I'm going to practice taking interviews. And so I recommend that you do that with men. Not to sound like I'm not saying you're using them because you might find that you really

like someone but you take the pressure off yourself and you get to show up as the wonderful fabulous decoal at 44 as you are, you're going to realize that you're going to have new things to fill your mind with. Like, oh, I had a connection to someone and this is how I felt. You'll have new experiences around men. But right now you just sound like you were really in a terrible situation with your ex and of course it made you feel insecure.

But I just want you to get out there and see how desirable you are. Thanks for your email Nicole. All right, this is from Anonymous, 22 in Pennsylvania. Dear Dr. Emily, I've noticed that when I get ready to have sex, I have trouble staying wet. I know I'm turn on, but down there I'm struggling. I tend to drive quickly and I get embarrassed and my past partners think that it's their fault. Again, I'm turned

on just not down there. What do I do? Am I doing something wrong? All right, so here's a deal about your wetness. What we're raised to believe is that we should always be wet and that if we're turned on or wet and That's going to be an indicator that your arousal ready to go, but that is not true This is what need you to understand is that women's wetness level is going to change throughout their lifetime Different phases of our life and it's even going to change throughout the month There might be times of the month where your wetter than others depending on your obligatory cycle So this is a matter of also educating partners.

Again, it's like a lot of our partners feel bad because they share male partners because they don't understand this. But I think just letting them know that you've learned some new information, and it just means that you have to add some lube. And you know that I recommend that everybody tries lube in every situation, every sexual situation, masturbation, hand jobs, blow jobs, oral sex, just have the lube on your nightstand. We love pure lube, PJUR, they make lubs for all different kinds of occasions and mues

lube is great, it's a wonderful flavored lube, their flavors are delicious, but I think that you don't have to do anything, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong, you just need to educate your partners. And so, when you add a lube, and I like silicone lubes too because they last longer, and you don't have to reapply as much, but when you add it, you're not only does it get a feel better, you're not going to have any tearing, but you're going to have more orgasms, because studies have shown that women who use lube are more likely to orgasm. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family.

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