Sex With Emily - Vibrating Histories & Relationship Mysteries

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is giving you a little history lesson all about the vibrator – as well as answering your sex related questions.She tells the tale of the vibrator origin story: where it all began & how they progressed to what they are today. Plus, she gives advice on how to get out of a messy cheating situation, what to do when your husband has an odor – and it ain’t pheromones, and going from monogamous to polyamorous after 52 years together.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex of Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm giving you a little history lesson all about the vibrator. Plus I'm answering your sex-related questions. Topics include the vibrator origin story where it all began and how they progressed to what they are today. You're going to find this fascinating. So you started seeing another woman but your wife doesn't know about it. How do you get out of such a messy situation? What to do when your husband has an odor around his parts? And it's not the pheromones. And how to go from a noggin-is to polyamorous with your partner of 52 years. All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The world's got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Avaline? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm off your sound. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

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Are you really not following us yet? You can actually see us and see what we've been doing here. And there's a lot of great sex tips. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show. It's a little history lesson. So this one is about the evolution of the vibrator. I just think it's a fascinating story, and I think people don't often know that the vibrators

began in the Victorian era. And the reason why was because women were suddenly, every time a woman had something wrong with her, like she sneezed, or she had a cramp, or she was tired, or she had a headache. She had something going on. They called it hysteria. OK. They called it hysteria. And it could mean that she had anxiety,

fainting, sleeplessness, irritability, nervousness, and a tendency to cause trouble for others. So you mean just like living? Like a woman was living, right? Exactly on the planet. And also on the list, excessive vaginal lubrication and erotic fantasizing, because that was not normal at the time, okay? That's what was happening. So they called it hysteria and it had a lot of different manifestations throughout the years. And doctors spent years and years like diagnosing women with this like foe condition. Like oh must be hysterica. She's hysterical. That's where you get this term hysterical

female from. And they'd offer all different kinds of treatments. And so the treatment, the very first treatment they did was they actually women with like line up. I mean, there must have been a liner on the corner because they would go to doctors and a doctor would use their hands to stimulate a woman's clitoris and bring her to work as them and the mysteriously all the symptoms went away. And so when these doctors diddling all these women, their hands started to hurt. And they're like, I can't be a doctor anymore, I can't do surgery. Why am I going to do it from like getting all these women off their line up around the

corner, the groin across country lines? Because they're finally having orgasms, you know, to think it helps with everything. So then they invented the vibrator. The vibrator is born because of stereo. Right? Oh my God. And so, and so yeah, it was a little simulation from the doctors.

Then they got the husbands in and the husbands' hands are to hurt, so this is what happened. So the vibrator was invented. And it is 1869, the 69 get it the first vibrator We always have to make that joke even though the first vibrator if she gets patented by dr. George Taylor He called it the manipulator And it's a steam powered engine. It's like a engine right there Er a fixed-to-platform with a giant dildo attached

I have to look it up and It's like, look it up. And if you guys, there's actually a vibrator in the museum in San Francisco at Good Vibrations on Polk Street. You have to go to the vibrator. Yeah, go to our Twitter. It's sex with Emily. We'll tweet this out. Check out these things.

It's actually like the first household appliance actually was the vibrator. So it became the app, trying to think for us, okay, do you see this? I'm not sure. It was the first, so then in the 1880s, it was the first battery powered vibe. That this thing that was coming into you, I'm gonna tweet it out right now,

but like torture device. It does. Like a mini iron lung or something. It looks like that, yeah. And then the next one looks like kind of like a mixer, you know, the laptop, the phones, and the beta max going to, because of porn. So now, fifth household appliance. And it is still a medical advice. The 1920s redesign starts to pick up because of adult films and because of porn. And then in the, by the 30s, they were a little more compact, like you didn't

need like three men to curate into the house. And it came with a lot of colors and there's a lot of fun attachments and there's still called personal massagers, right? Now, the magic wand is one of them. Now, you guys, the magic wand is still the Cadillac of all vibrators. The magic wand has been around for 50 years. So the magic wand, you can check it on our site and I can just tell you how this bad boy is.

The first one was plugged into the wall. Okay, this is it on it. Oh my God. Oh my God, it's so loud. It sounds like someone's mowing their lawn. Is that coming from outside or in here? Okay, so then, that's the highest. Here's the lowest.

The lowest. That's so fucking crazy. So it's crazy, guys, and it is a misajor. It does actually feel really good if you put it on your shoulders. But now there's a bunch of different models. They did, they did release it from its cord about five years ago and it became wireless, which is amazing. And they have a chart, it became rechargeable. And now they have the plus anyway. Just this one. This one. Yeah, this is the plus that plugs in. Another pioneer was the, the rabbit vibrator. So in like 2005, was it the rabbit vibrator was on sex in the city and Charlotte said, you know, they went to the store and she's like, buy, they think they'd go to like Bay

Blan or something and she buys a rabbit vibrator. And then she takes it home and the rabbit vibrator is what we always talk about. We always often talk about dual stimulation vibes. So dual stimulation vibes mean that there's an internal vibrator, an internal thing for internal, um, literal nerves and for the clitoris. And she doesn't come out of her house for like a week and she's like, oh my god, I'm gonna get to some of my vibrator. And people are like, oh my god, there's a vibrator on television. I mean, that wasn't that, that was like the year I started my show. And it was like the fight, you know, and that was even

then it was battery operated. So toys have come such a long way since I even started, all the toys, most of them had batteries. Like for that rabbit, you needed four double A's. I know, I have one. You still have it. Yeah, you gave me one. I did. When I was in intern still.

Oh, okay. I used it once. And then I gave you like the one that I started. Well, no, then I got the Nova for I Wevi, which is like, okay, so the Nova is like the souped up version of the rabbit. The Nova is by Wii Vib,

and it's a dual stimulation vibrator, and they just like, innovated the fuck out of it, and they were like, it has these little, the little, the rabbit ears part is not rabbit ears anymore, but it has this little curvy thing

that just, the best part about it white, so innovative, the Nova is that it doesn't, it doesn't lose contact with your clitoris. So you can keep moving it in and out, but it has this curvy, angling, just Google it, the Nova. We'll put it in the show notes. Everything we talk about at sexwithemely.com, click on the show notes.

So that was pretty innovative, and then when you used to buy toys too, they all came in these boxes with like porn stars on them, and they were just, I mean toys are much more, you know, friendly now. They're kid friendly. They're, their body safe. And they just look a lot different. Now another pioneer that I would say it's the biggest one in years was 2013 when the womanizer came out.

And that wasn't just what, that was six years ago now. Wow, six years ago. And it's pretty, you guys, this is the thing. After all these toys definitely got more efficient and they got their battery, they're rechargeable when, so they were all, you know, making advancements and we were going to these trade shows and everything kind of looked the same. And then, the womanizer.

So the womanizer was invented by a couple in Germany and they are, they literally were just like, trying to think of something that would, he's like, I do this thing, I met him once, I'm not going to do the right accent, but he's like, I do this thing to my wife. And she liked it. And I was trying to figure out how to make a toy that would do the same thing. And I'm like, I love that.

What a husband, like going after it, right? So they invented this. It's patented. They use a patented pleasure air technology. And it is a game changer for vibrators in the last decade. So essentially, it emits like a super soft suction and vibration. So it's like it's kind of feels the air makes it feel like it's kind of succulent sucking or nibbling on your clitoris.

And it's not just for your clitoris, you can move it all over your labia. It's really cool on nipples. I wonder if this one's comes charged. Okay, this is the star. There it is. Just like a man. cool on nipples. I wonder if this one's comes charged. Okay, this is the spirit is just like a man. So it sucks. And now if I put my finger on it. So I feel like if you are going down on a woman and you can know how to roll your ours, yeah, probably really good talent. Yeah, yes. And blow at the same time. Yes, it's gonna be really hard and you have to do some mouth exercises

Sucking like literally I've had to tell every guy who's ever gone down on me that you need to have the like the sucking motion Like that toy. Yeah, so when you gave me that it was so life-changing Yeah, so you told you show them you're like this toy. I have they're intimidated so we're easing into it I haven't found the right person right and yeah, I still have to tell them how to act like the women haven't yet told them No, I told them I haven't shown them the toy. Yeah, but I do tell this good because I think the thing is is that women Here's a thing and this is not this is not like you, anything negative towards men and men's skills. How would you know women aren't great at always explaining what they want? Sometimes we don't even know what we want.

But what I can tell you is that like slowing down, doing a little bit of sucking and not like a fsh, like you're trying to like suck something out of a straw, but it's like a light, like a nibble, like kind of like you're making out with her vulva. You're like kind of like nibbling and like using your tongue in different ways. This just sort of is a game changer. You have to use it with Loub. I think Loub with it is a game changer. And it is, it encompasses the clitoris without touch.

And it stimulates, also the thing about this, if you have a super sensitive clitoris, this might be the right toy for you because it's not actually touching it. Although it does, it is, it is. Just don't turn it up all the way. Don't turn it up. Do it on a low setting.

There's also another one that was great this year. This is the scale of this year is a wearable and charitable vibrators. So the Moxie vibrator came out this year. And this one is so cool. It's a wearable panty vibe as they call it, which panty, there's just some noise. Can't you vibe, but that's what it is. It's an underwear vibe.

It's called a moxie and you definitely have moxie if you're wearing this toy. So it's a very sleek contour shape. You wear it in your panties. So this part is going inside of the top part is kind of nestling in your clitoris and your inside. It's right there, just like that. Like I put a pad in your clitoris and your inside. Just like that. Like I put a pad in your underwear.

Next to your labia. And then it has a magnet that so it's secure and then there's a remote, an actual physical remote and there's an app with the We Connect app. You could wear it and your partner can vibe you from anywhere and they can control it with their phone. So you could be in a restaurant. You could be at a party. Your partner could be in Australia and you could be in New York and they could still be vibing you if you launch the app,

it's very, it's awesome. So it's just, this is also fun when you get bored in your relationship, which I think most people are, they get to that point by toy, that could be just what you need to like spice it up. Yeah, I like that one too because it's quiet. Yeah, oh, because like, I'm not sure about that one. Yeah, I thought one might not be. Oh my god, this is so powerful. Okay, it's loud when you's, yeah, oh. Because like, I'm not sure how much. I'm not sure how much. Yeah, that one might not be, oh. Oh my God, this is so powerful.

Okay, it's loud. It's loud when you put it on a microphone, but when it's in your pants and you're walking around the grocery store, it's very quiet. No, I just wore it out for it. I, did you do that?

No, yeah, I did. I also got hit on while I was using it, which was kind of weird. That makes sense. But it was like, no, it's the maxi. Not by someone attractive. and was very old. But you always get hit out in the store, don't you?

No, by old men like no offense. No offense to anyone out there, but like my age gap right now, I cap it at 38. That's where I'm capin' it. Yeah, mine's 52. Really? Yeah, I'm just saying, guys in LA, they look really young. Like, that's over 32. So, like, that's 20 years.

I gotta give them some time to grow up. Yeah, the usually by 52, they're growing up and then they're just on the way out. Just kidding, I'm there. I'm joking, you guys. No, I'm by there. Let me just tell you this, is that men, and when we take a while, they mature, especially, you know, sometimes into the 40s even men are like, I'm finally getting it.

We all evolve at our own pace. Okay, next we have, this is fun. The history of the vibrators. Did you know any of this hysteria? All of this, because women were not having orgasms. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not just sitting here like yelling with your tops, like women, you got a masturbate,

you got to learn what feels good, understand pleasure, understand your body because you guys orgasms are actually really, really good for your health and to good for your mental conditions, it's good for your mental conditions. Whatever your conditions you're having. I mean, to get a healthy anxiety, blood pressure is good for sleep. So they're really sneezes? Sneezes? I feel like headaches too. I feel like I used to get a lot of headaches.

Yeah. And you're not getting them anymore? No. Wow. Because you wrote her prescription of masturbation. I did. So we, she did. I freaking did.

Oh my god. I really did. Okay. The zoomio. Um, but I don't, where I think I dropped something. Not. Okay. So the zoomio is awesome.

So the zoomio is new and the zoomio Okay, so this is why I love the zoomio It looks like an electric toothbrush and a lot of women's first toy was actually an electric toothbrush They even make a reference to that in that movie book smart They do yeah, and that was directed by Olivia Wilde It was on my calendar. I didn't watch it. You have to see good boys too, because without giving anything away, these young kids, they keep stumbling upon sex toys

and they don't know what they are. You have to see, okay, put it on my calendar, I'm willing. All right, back to you. I need to get a schedule to watch. That's my life. Watch the show tonight, I'm like, cause I've never watched TV. Okay, listen guys.

The Zubio, okay, so it's a self-platter tool. It's obviously, why I love this is because it stimulates so many different erotic, it's really powerful and it stimulates different erotic zones. It's got a pinpoint. It's got a little like, looks like an inch long point. I'm also like a Q-tip, but curable. A Q-tip, exactly.

It's like a purple long Q-tip, vibrator, toothbrush. But you can use this to you guys. And what I love is that it's, you can actually get in there and stimulate so many different nerve endings. So there are 8,000 nerve endings in your clitoris. And so just imagine this, like what you already know is possible right now,

like you might know, oh, there's this one spot. Other spots feel good too in there, but a lot of women have areas that are, we've never really touched and we haven't awoken, if you will, in our entire, like maybe we had. And this is true, you guys, for women, like you might have had like a tampon, but you put in once it had hurt. And you might have like an area that's kind of like a zone, I like to call it like a dead zone, if I could think of a better word for it. But this like, this, it restores collagen

and it stimulates collagen and blood flow. So wherever you put it's kind of like a medical device, but it gives you incredible orgasms. You like can just wake up your vagina, wake up your vulva, like go into the clitoris, play with all the different areas, your, all the nerve endings. It's just freaking cool. when I saw this and a listener called in and told us about the zoomio and we hadn't heard of it It's just really cool sensations and we just put something on our YouTube on our YouTube while that too our Instagram showing it if you remember The zoomio So there you go. That's the zoomio and that's the thing with toys you guys the new And that's the thing with toys you guys. The newest vibrator though, is around your neck.

Oh, thank you. I have a new announcement to make, a vibrator necklace. This is by Crave and it's called the Vesper. And I've always loved this necklace. And it, so go to my Instagram right now, or yeah. But it is a, it looks like a little bullet, like a little, like a pen, maybe a little mini pen, and you wear it around your neck

and it comes in three colors, and it is, we have it rose gold and gold and silver. But here's why I love these are like a special edition, because I put three things on them. So these are special sex with Emily Bessper's and it has three different things. One of them says mind says meditate masturbate and manifest. The other one says turn me, oh it says SWE and it's very subtle because I'm like screaming at you and the other one says turn me on and then our third one says

I go first I come first I come first and you can order any color and why I love it is because it's such a bowl Like to me just people are like that's really cool necklace I just wear it like I layer it and I wear it into a place. I wear it all the time, but it's bold You're taking care of your own pleasure. It's for men and women. I think guys like awesome in this or have it for your partner or whatever you would like, but it makes a statement, you care about your pleasure, you care about your orgasms, you care about your sex life, and it's just fucking badass. It looks cool.

Conversation starter. It's a great conversation starter. I feel like when I'm wearing it, people are like, what is that? That's so cool. Like tell me about it. And then you're like, it's a vibrator. So if you're out and you're riding a mingle, I'm telling you people will ask about it.

Because it's like, it looks cool. Like, oh, that's just, and then, and you could also feel like, I don't want to say vibrator to this person. This guy in the grocery store talking to me, you can just be like, it's a pen. Bye. But for most people, it's a really

good conversation starter and empowering as fuck. So I love it. I love it too. And it's like, it's lightweight. It's simple. Also, low key could be uses a weapon. Oh, you clock someone in the eye with that. It has so many uses. I'm not saying like you're just going to walk up to someone and like hit them. I'm just saying if you know women. No good, I know. Just keep. Women gotta be careful walking around. No, it's good.

It is good. I don't have mace, but I have that. I guess I'm thinking the magic wand I always think is a weapon. Well, does. No, it's a walk sense of bam over the head. You know, it's the real weapon. Oh, you can pop through Iotus. Is the enjoy wand.

Oh, the enjoy wand. That's the wand. Kill someone. That's like a stone wand. You're not coming back from that. No, I would kill you with my dildo. I mean, you guys, this is the thing where. Oh, the enjoy one. That's the one. Kill someone. That's like a story. You're not coming back from that. No, I would kill you with my dildo. I mean, you guys, this is the thing about the party. It's you as these are the other things. I know it's this could be that you could poke someone.

It kind of it does look like a group of mason. It is multiple. It's also like bold and sophisticated and looks incredible. Yeah. Like it's very classy. It does, it pulls your outfit together right now. It did. Right now I look like I got my outfit together. I got my life together here. It's also guys, it is as classy. It pulls your outfit together right now. I did right now. I look like I got my outfit

I got my life together here It's also guys it is a 26 inch chain. It also is um you know the coolest thing I love that it's rechargeable USB So yeah with your computer and I had my I charge it and say charged for like months and months and I have a friend Who wears it every day? She's wearing it for like a year and she's like every day every time I have sex I just I just have to use it. I whip it out and use it. Her boyfriend's, yeah, it's awesome. He's got one.

So anyway, they're fun. You guys can get them as well. You can order them. Sexwithamily.com slash Vesper. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your questions. Okay, we have Lenny 36 in New York and she wants to know how she can get back into oral sex with her partner.

Hi, Lenny, thanks for calling. Thank you for taking my call. Okay, so I've been with my husband. We've been together since 2007. We just had our first baby a year ago, she's a year. And in between our relationship, we were often on for a few years.

So I've been with other men. But I guess the long and short of it is that when we first got together in 2007, oral sex wasn't a problem. I would always go down on him and I always avoided it after I did the first after the newness of things because he has some kind of smell to his area that I can't get past. I don't know what it is and I enjoy it. I enjoy it, I enjoy oral sex, I just can't bring myself to do it. And with other men in between all relationships, I have no problem.

And I really want to be able to perform it. I just can't even... Is he circumcised? They're uncircumcised. He is circumcised. Okay. He's tried washes, powders. I mean, he's tried everything and I don't know, it's like a musky

foul smell that I just cannot get past it. I don't know what to do because they really want it. And he's tried, so you've told him this, like you've actually, he knows it, he's working out of it as well. Huh. Has he ever gotten checked for anything? Has he gotten checked out by his doctor? He could have something.

Like an infection. Okay. They just kind of chalked it up to, this is your DNA. This is your hormones. This is who you are. It's kind of defeating. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I've got a second opinion. And you're sure like, yeah, how many times did he go? He's only seen one. I think it's, you know, I feel like maybe he feels,

I don't know, and maybe he just feels like it's emesculating to have to do that or I'm bad at things. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. He could have an infection. He could have a UTI. He could have a yeast infection. He could have something else going on. I don't know.

It's really like you can't get rid of it. It's just hygiene. If you guys had sex in the shower at least, could you give him a blowjob in the shower to tell you he figures it out? No, it's just bad. I can't bring myself to do it. I gag. Has he ever over the, over the smell?

I'm not, you know, like where, like right when you put, like, his whole, his whole area, like, his groin, his balls. I would say it's more around the balls that it's just like a, it's like a, like a sweaty smell, but like, like, like, on the shower. And does he use good, like, he scrubs, you're saying he scrubs and he uses he ever exfoliating like scrub is that area. Even when we shower, like when we shower together, I watch him and

he, he, he doesn't have a sense to him anywhere else. Yeah, that is just really, I would get another penny. I actually, I've literally, I do not know what, what that could be. If it's not something like an infection because I, no, if he had, if he was on circumcised, I was like, oh, it could be smegma, he might not be cleaning up the, the, the, the foreskin. But what about like, you could use a flavored lou, we, we've got these, oh my God, this muse is this amazing flavored lou, but it's like, it's like, like freaking mint chocolate and crème brulee and tate taste really good you could try doing something like that it does make oral sex trace they're salted caramel

i do have one uh... that we do see you know we really use a lot of toys and loops and we're into like rings and a lot of things but there's just nothing that can get past this. Okay. What if you spray something on it, like you know, like you could like rub in some kind of like scented coconut oil. Like yeah, they could use like the Wu more play. Massage, this is this amazing coconut oil loop that we're obsessed with that you could

like massage in. It's like vanilla. It's oil. It's like, it feels really good and you can massage in coconut oil's healing also. Like he should go to a health store, like maybe he could take some kind of like, like there could be just something wrong

with the house's diet. Haribo. Okay, does he smoke and drink, does he take medicine, does he own drugs, does he, you know, it's all that stuff, honey. That's coming out of his skin. But he eats a lot of meat. Yeah Yeah, you know like a lot of

Wings here. He's a burger. Yeah, that's it. If I doesn't drink any water. Okay. Well, that's what it is Okay, he's not a healthy person and so until I bet you if he changes his diet in a month You'll be giving him blow jobs all day. I can't think of a better incentive for someone to get in shape and to get their life, you know, to start starting a healthy. Lenny, especially if this is the guy you want to be with, you know what I'm saying? You want to be with someone to take care of themselves. So tell him I said that. Tell him it's the food he's eating because I believe you tell me all that.

Yeah, I should be my first question. Actually, it was one day we took supplements, but no, yeah. There you go, Lenny. Go do it okay yeah i'm healthy okay thanks but alright we have a bill who's in his sixties and pennsylvania he's in a situation where he cheated

oh hey bill hey Emily talking to you you too what's going on bill my situation i got into a situation where i wandered and now the person that i wondered with once to take it further

first it was just benefit you know sex with a friend with benefits now they would she wants me to leave my wife and move in with her. All right, Bill. So what do you want? I don't want to do that. OK. So what?

Why do you think you cheated? Why do you think you cheated? Well, I was in a situation where I don't know. I was offered and I took up on it. Okay, but how long have you been with your wife? 40 some years. Okay. Yeah, that's a long time to be with one person. So how are things with your wife right now?

Well, that's the problem. She's dropped off sexually and I haven't. Right. And you guys have talked about it. And you've tried to bring your sex life back to life. And she's like uninterested. Right. See, this is what happens in relationships

when both parties are not participating in the health of their sex life. But Bill, I mean, do you, are you asking me? Because I understand you're saying this woman wants you to leave your wife or her after you've had sex with her once, but I mean, I don't think that's a good idea, do you? No, this has been one of her for like six months. Oh, you've been cheating on her. Okay, I thought you said you just a good idea to you. No, this has been one run for like six months.

Oh, you've been cheating on a... Okay, I thought you said you just happened. So six months. So obviously, 40 years, you're with one person. This is very, very exciting to be having sex with someone else. It's going to feel so... You're going to have all those chemicals flying, the feel good hormones, all those things.

However, that can be clearly... That can easily be intoxicating, but it's not necessarily, I think, the healthy thing to do unless you're ready to leave your wife. So what's your question? Is your question... Well, you know, how do I get out of the situation without causing a... She's threatened to spill the beans?

You got to come clean to your wife. Maybe this will be the thing that brings you back together again. If you very carefully talked to your wife and say, you know what, you have to end a bill. And you can tell her you already told your wife. You know, see how she goes when you end it with her. But I think either way you probably should because it's going to be in your mind. So it's better that you tell her than she tells her. And I think that that should not be reason not to do it.

And you know, our partners are pretty resilient. Relationships can be resilient. If you handle this in a way, no, I don't know your wife. And many times this can't go wrong, but I can tell you this that if you just say, I'm ashamed for this thing that happened, I'm really sorry, I've had this affair. And you know, we haven't, I know that it wasn't

the right thing to do. And I really hope that we can go to therapy, and we can work on our relationship, and rebuild the trust, and learn how to be intimate again, because it's really important to me to connect sexually. I feel like we're roommates, and you know, you got to do it without blaming or shaming or making her feel bad, and just let it know that you love her, and you're very sorry that it's harder and she's gonna be shocked. And there's actually a, you know, there's actually really good protocol to kind of go through and this happens. I think you should see it there. I think you have, I know you have to see it therapist. Because when trust is broken in a relationship,

it's really hard for couples, nearly impossible for couples to rebuild it on their own. Okay, thank you. You're so welcome, Bell. Let me know it goes. I'm here for you every night. I mean if she's threatening you got to do it. You got to get ahead of that. Get ahead of that and like, uh, you want to have us to fare with someone he's not going to do that. Can't you tell who would do that? I mean, I don't know. I don't know. It depends too, because it's like I feel like. Well, to be honest, I was recently in a situation where I found out I was the quote unquote mistress. Oh.

What? But he told you. No, no, no, what's he saying? He told me five months later. Right. James didn't, yeah. I mean, I wasn't like anything. I wasn't, like, at the beginning, I actually really liked this guy.

And then I was like, you know what? He's just hot and fun. So, like, I mean, he's not the best communicator, so it's just, you know, I'll just fuck around with him once in a while. And the last time we're hanging out, like, he just comes and he's like, ugh, so I kind of have a girlfriend.

And I'm, in my mind, completely just like, oh, so, like, you know, we've been dating multiple people, like, oh, so you've tied the knot with someone specifically like you're like exclusive and that's why you wanted to hang out because you wanted to tell me in person. So I'm like, oh, did you recently get together and he's like, no, we've been together for like a year. And it still didn't click to me. I was like, oh, so you're in an open relationship. Right. And he's like, no, she has no idea that you exist. Just she didn't cheating. And I was just like, I just started laughing. Like just cracking up.

And I'm like, but it's like, so I don't know, you never, you can't tell with people what they're gonna be like. I had no clue this guy had a girlfriend. No, I mean. But like, no, we're gonna go psycho. Like someone's saying, I'm gonna tell your wife, but I feel like I'd always have, that's what I'm saying.

But like, you never know how someone someone who someone really is on the inside Are you know what I mean? Yeah, he might he might not have like even thought Yeah, and she he himself could have been saying all this really nice stuff true He could have been like I wanted he yeah We didn't get his whole part when he's like this is the best I've ever had I wish I was exactly that's what I'm saying No, yeah, you don't know you know, but the thing the thing is, there's my take on it, Ferris. You guys, it is true that people, I don't think that if Ferris are the end of the world, I think we've all got, I say like, oh, if someone cheated on me, I would break up with

them. No, I don't know what would happen. To be honest, you guys, I think that in a lot of relationships, couples come back from it. It actually can make them stronger. They're like, because then you realize that usually the cheating happens if they were still having sex and they've been communicating for 40 years,'ve been together and things were healthy. It wouldn't happen It typically happens in relationships where things have fallen apart. You're not healthy

You're not communicating you might even be having lots of sex. So it's not always about the sex It's about a lot of things But that's why you have to keep the health of your relationship strong So I think in these cases, you know If it does these cases you know uh... if it does fall you know that the affair can actually like if you go to therapy can rebuild and if it doesn't you know also some people can never get past it

we have russell fifty two in texas uh... his wife of fifteen years wants to enter into a polyamorous relationship hay russell thanks for calling i am liaria i'm good thanks for calling so tell me what's going on okay i'm a big can of the show i'm a truck government to friday my was always such as bisexual i think the ship here's on the show like that now you're this is all you never should get your second all sex

okay will she and no less always came to be bisexual uh... we got into a relationship fifteen years ago uh... there's been you know no women are a lot of them for 17 years. Well, she recently asked me if I would mind if she had kind of a girl on the side type thing, and I was like, okay, that'd be fine. You know, long as I'll take pictures, I'll be in a typical guy thing. Well, she actually found a girl, and they hit it off. She went to see her a couple weeks ago and came back with like

his own neck and all like static, you know, like newfound love type thing. And I'm really not sure how to handle this. I mean, she says nothing's, you know, I'm not, you know, not giving her something she needs and I take care of, you know, everything great. She loves me, but she has a lot of love for this girl too. Is it supposed to freak me out? I mean, yeah. Okay, so here's the thing. It does make sense that this would be freaking you out of the beginning because you've been

with your wife for 17 years? 15 years. 15 years. 15 years. And you've never seen her with another person. And it's somebody that she's showing affection to and in interest and she's got hikis and she's really loving spending time with her and you're on the road a lot. And so, but here's the thing is that, so this makes sense. And I think you have to talk to her about it too, because this is what happens. It's like what our last

clerk said, was it Kim or Ray? One of them was talking about how when you, with couples who make this work, oh, Ray was saying, if we had done it 20 years ago, it wouldn't work, but when couples do it, you talk about it and you're like, that was like, he said he got through it. It's uncomfortable. So you say, you know what? I know that I said this and I'm happy

that you're having this experience, but it's making me feel, and then explain what your feelings are, Russell. It's explained to me the feelings. Let's walk through this. What are the exactly, you're afraid she could like, leave you, you're not enough? No, just, I don't know, just,

the new sound love is always so exciting, and so, you know, just over the top, and, you know, she's just all, I don't know, it's like a different person. There's, I mean, after 15 years, you're not the, know the ugly touchy laying in bed all my talking kind of relationship i mean we're we're still very much in love we still you know i've been at

open communication but uh... it's just right you just got a set boundary so there's a thing it just started right so the thing you know we just start to set the boundaries and say okay this is what these are the how many days a week would feel comfortable to you Russell. Maybe, maybe you don't want them to have sleepovers or maybe you, you would feel better if she limps. She lives 400 miles away. So my wife will be going there for like a week at a time,

like during the week. Oh, wait, there's a lot. Maybe a week is too much for you right now. Well, I just did them on the truck all week. Oh, okay. And that's, yeah, I see it's kind of a, it's kind of a complicated situation. Well, here's always said I was cool with it, but now that it's happening, exactly. This is exactly what happens, Russell. So, but here's my question for you. Do you feel that when you do see her, um, that you're getting your needs met? And if not, what, what else would you need from her right now to make you feel like I am? I mean, it's actually our situation has kind of improved as far as on her end.

I mean, she's more upbeat and she's, you know, more happy and if she felt like a side of her was being suppressed. Okay. And now she's available to explore that side of her. So she feels more whole. But I mean, if I shut it down, then there's going to be resentment for me. Right. And I don't even know if that would leave it.

I mean, because the relationship can never be what it was because this is in the open now. Right. You know, not saying. Yeah. Oh, your relationship could never be what it once was? I don't think it could. No, but I know that she has the ability to love another a strong way she loves me.

You know what I mean? I understand. But is it, is she in love with her? Or is she just like, how long has it been going on? It's only been going on for two weeks now. Oh, Russell. It's more of an infatuation thing. It's an infatuation thing.

It's a new, listen Russell. It's a new, yeah, the brand new relationship. Okay, so that's what it is. It's been two weeks. She's in a new relationship. It's exciting. It's been 15 years since she's been with somebody else. So this is what happens in open relationships

is that people have a primary partner and then they have a secondary partner. And that partner is one that that you know that with the secondary partner, you've boundaries as well. And you're the main person that she like the things that you guys would might be interesting is for you guys to kind of learn more about this because because love for many people who are impaliate, I know people have four or five partners besides their primary, right? But there's no, they're partners, they're main person, they're in love,

they've been to I have a lot of friends, they've been open together 20 years, and they have partners, but they do not fall in love. They don't with another person, like in the same way, they don't hold them in a different regard. I mean love, you know, I think you'd be all can love many people, but not in the same way. They don't hold them in a different regard. I mean, love, you know, I think you we all can love many people, but not in the same way, Rosalind, you guys, you know, for the time you've been together.

And I just think you have to be honest with her though, and not even shutting it down, but I think being vulnerable, and it's only been two weeks. So you're looking at a 15 year relationship within the last two weeks, she's having pleasure and having the newness that you guys haven't had in 15 years. So all this makes sense, Russell.

All of this is totally completely normal and you sound like really healthy and you're handling it in a really mature way. But I don't think you have to deal with this on your own. And I do think you to be careful with your language and with your wife, I don't know what your communication skills are like, but just make sure, say, I love seeing you happy.

I don't want you to feel like I'm shutting this down, but I need to let you know how it's making me feel. There's a very safe, I mean, if you guys are having an open relationship, people practice very rigorous honesty, and they're constantly, I mean, people I know that you're talking every day about these things and these emotions.

So what could really happen is Russell, you might find that you guys actually get closer if you learn to really expand your intimacy in the way you talk about this. Okay. So don't feel bad about sharing emotions and telling her how you're feeling and maybe you just need some more reassurance from her and I don't know what you need yet, but you figure it out as you go along like Ray said, it's like we, if they beginning it wasn't easy, he said that 20 minutes ago.

It's not supposed to be easy. And I know you couldn't have looked through all of it beforehand, but right now I just need you to one step at a time and go talk to your wife and have some real feelings about emotions and vulnerabilities. Okay, and I'll be every night Russell will still call me back with the next step, the next conversation.

Okay, thanks Russell. Yep. Tribulate 947-8277, that can happen. It's true. That can happen. It's true. It can be hard, emotions and boundaries and all the things, but you have to, if you can get through this part of it, it could really strengthen a relationship.

And if you don't, you realize it's, you board the mission. Our guys, I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you for sharing it with a friend, for rating us and reviewing us wherever you listen. I appreciate you all so much. And thanks to my great team. I love you, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? you.