Sex With Emily - Virtual Dating in the New Normal

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by Founder & CEO of The League Dating App, Amanda Bradford to talk about virtual dating and tips for upgrading your profile.The two talk about the ins and outs of online dating and what to say in your first message. Plus, advice on what to do when you’re quarantined away from your partner and you need creative date ideas, the mistakes people are making on the apps, and tips to communicate with matches on a deeper level.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, the founder and CEO of the dating up, the league Amanda Bradford is joining me, discuss the trends she's seeing in online dating since we've all been social distancing. We discuss what to say in your first message because hey, just doesn't cut it.

The mistakes people are making on the apps, creative date ideas when you're apart, have courtship and speed dating are both making comeback and why that's a good thing. Tips to communicate with your matches on a deeper level and the observations and a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The world's got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. we're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You can check out our website.

It's so many great blogs to help you have the sex life and the relationships you deserve and everywhere you can find us on social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. So for each show, join me in setting an intention. I do it. I heard you do the same. So what I mean is, like right now, when you're listening, what do you want to get at

listening to this episode? How do you want to feel when it's over? Maybe you're home and single and you realize that you're not going to meet anybody at the bars. I mean, that's not happening, but you're not sure about dating online. So you want to know where to start. My intention is to help you find companionship. However you can in these unprecedented times.

All right. Enjoy the show. Joining me right now is a founder and CEO of the dating up, the league Amanda Bradford. And she's here to talk about her app and to discuss the trends that she's seeing on the app since COVID started. Welcome to the show Amanda. Thanks for being here. I'm so much for having me. I'm excited because we got a lot to cover here because we just found out I mean you're in California. I think you're in San Francisco, right? I was there for many years. I was single in San Francisco for many years.

Move to LA, but I know the whole scene there. I get why you started a dating app. I know what it's like to live there. There was a lot of us singles in San Francisco, so I was trying to do it as well. Exactly. I appreciate that. I do appreciate that. Right now, there's been so much more, you know, we just found out a lot of us are staying home for the next few months. But even since COVID started, have you seen an increase in people dating online, dating on the apps? And your app is particularly the leak.

It was surprising because we were like, oh no, this is going to be the last thing people are thinking about when they're thinking about their survival as a species. So for a couple days in March, it was pretty bleak. We had a lot less people signing up and logging in. But it bounced back and what we actually saw was people were actually using the app more than they were previously. So before maybe you'd be like checking the app once or twice a week, responding here and there selectively as you wish. And now during the kind of COVID period when everyone's trapped at home, we're seeing,

you know, all the messages being responded to people talking to four or five or six people at a time. So much more engagement even though the actual kind actual number of users were not the same. This is see, this is what I've been hearing everywhere that yeah, people are like, okay, I'm home now. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna get online because I can't go home. Might as well date, right? What else do you have? Well, this is the thing. Well, this is kind of our shopping for houses or, you know, it's like, it gets something to distract to think about the future and something different than where we are right now, I think. Exactly, right. Whatever we can do.

And so what, what if the thing is, I like about it though, is I still feel like, there's like this stigma. And even though some of you are getting on the bad wagon now, I need, we need to help them. But they're like, oh, dating apps. They're just hook up apps. Or I don't want anyone to know if we meet online.

I'm like, it is 2020. First off, even before COVID COVID if you really are single And you're look this is my belief and tell me what you know I want you help me along with this you don't have to agree but I think you might if you're looking for love right now And you're complaining and you're calling it and you're like I can't find love and the apps are bad and everyone's a hook up It's like but I won't go on apps. It's like you then you can't tell me. It's like saying I want to lose weight But I'm not gonna change the way I eat and I'm not going to diet. Like you have to try. I'm not going to exercise.

I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise.

I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to exercise. I think we designed the league. So you didn't have to put as much effort as you would have to put

in like a mass market dating out that has hundreds and thousands of kind of profiles that you have to swipe through. So we try to be a lot more accurate in our recommendations. And if we should talk to and and say you time so it isn't this full

time job. But you do, you know, with anything in life, you do have to put some effort in to reap the benefits. So that's true. There is an effort. And what I like about it is because yeah, so many of the apps it's a lot texting. So tell me about the benefits. That's true. There is an effort. And what I like about it is because, yeah, so many of the apps, it's a lot of texting. So tell me about the league. How is it a little bit different?

I know you have to. So we only give you, like, when you're a brand of user, you'll get three profiles a day, which is a shock to people who might be coming off of a tender or a bumble experience, where, you know, they swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, get a match, get a serotonin boost, get all happy, and then keep swiping. So it's kind of less about that addictive gamification and a lot more about, okay, tell us what you're looking for.

We're gonna give you like three really good recommendations each day. Tell us if you like them and then match and message in the app and actually go on a date. I mean, obviously now people aren't going on dates, they're going on video dates. So we're seeing a lot more people, you know, arrange things on Skype or Zoom or FaceTime doing cooking dates, or they're both watching YouTube videos. People teaching them out of

cook. We've heard a lot of different creative dates, but I think that, you know, people are still doing it, and they're still meaning it. And they actually have more time than they've ever to date, so it's actually not a bad time to, I tell my friends, this is when you should be narrowing down your prospects, So you know who you actually want to risk meaning in person for. Yeah, exactly. This is the time. I love this. So this is what this is the time. So and everyone, if you have a question about dating online or you've been wanting to kind of you've been wanting to make the first move and you're not sure what to do in your profile, I want to get into all the mistakes people are making so you can help them make it wrong.

Oh yeah. I have Amanda Bradford from the league. She created the league and it's a very, it's a very unique dating app which we're talking about. I saw a single I was in San Francisco. I had to create an entire app. I feel you. If I didn't start a sex podcast, that's where to go. I would have done that. Okay. I love what you're saying about the creative. That's what I was going to say in the time of crisis, right? There's, we've become more creative. Let's I love what you're saying about the creative. That's what's going to say in the time of crisis, right? We've become more creative. What are you finding now on the apps? What are you seeing? Creative date ideas and how behavior has changed? Well, first of all, I think we're seeing a sort of much welcomed pivot back to courtship,

I think, because there's no other options, people are going to force that have to get the note to get to know you period of time. We're seeing a lot more people go on social distancing walks and maybe even just meeting over the internet to watch a movie together, things like that. So relationships are naturally progressing slower, which I actually think is a good thing because you're getting a lot more time to get to know the person on an emotional level, ask them questions about their family, their childhood, you know, it's almost like we're forced to get to know each other prior to being physical, which, you know, as we all saw with a lot of the hook-up apps, the world is some kind of going

in a different direction. So I think that part is really good, and I think the other piece is that you can actually talk to a lot more people when you're not meeting them. So if you take out the whole kind of in-person dating, you can actually have text relationships with multiple people and theoretically you should be able to to find, as I was going to say, by clearly the lady-conners. That's the next version of the app. I'm just talking about it. You can actually make a better decision about who you should meet up with when the time comes. I love this. I think you're absolutely right. I like that we're slowing it down. I like that we're not just rushing to the physical

because that could be a huge problem when you lead with sex. Often, believe it or not, sex with family. I think get to know somebody, slow it down. And so what would be some of your best tips Amanda for people are going a little bit deeper? The questions to ask if they're going, and I love the idea of video dating as well. Like what do you recommend or do you really tips

that how do we get to know each other for the night use of it? The video dating world is definitely different. It takes more courage. It takes more boldness, but I think the connections that you get are kind of unparalleled to what you would get in a dating app or you're just looking at a photo of someone. So you get a much deeper connection. We're doing these speed dating parties where we only give you three minutes to talk to the person. We give you

an icebreaker question and the icebreaker question for actually modeled after the New York Times did this study a couple years ago about the 21 questions to ask each other to fall in love. And there are these two social science researchers that basically looked into each other's eyes, asked each other a series of 21 questions, answered them in depth. And I guess there was some study that showed there was a higher than random chance at falling in love

if you kind of asked the questions in the way. So we took a lot of those questions. One of them is, you know, if you had to invite someone from past or present to a dinner party, who would it be and why? If you only take one item from your house and the rest was being destroyed, what would that item be?

You know, have you ever wanted to be famous? Why or why not? What's something you wish you've done, but you haven't, why haven't you done it? So these kind of deep sort of soul, soul-reaching questions. And we try to get people in the habit these kind of deep sort of soul reaching questions. And we try to get people in the habit of kind of going our first instead of talking at that superficial level

that we can get stuck in. Oh, Amanda, I love this. I love first off, I've been saying for years, let's bring back speed dating. That was a lot more efficient. So what you're saying right now is very efficient. I was very efficient. Yeah, I think there was so beat in my like,

you were saying, you know, it was kind of like online dating where you're like, oh, you're going to a speed dating event. But I think online now, nobody has to know you're going to these things that all, you know, in the privacy of your own phone and home. Right. Exactly. Wait, Amanda, back up. I love that you're doing speed dating video on the league.

People can do that. Yeah, we call it league live because we tested calling it speed dating. And I think people still felt like it was not as cool of a word, but it is essentially speed dating. But we don't really know. Okay, yeah, we can change the word, but essentially you're saying in three minutes, I, this is like literally Amanda. I think people, my team should do it too. They all want to go on the league too, but I know they have to join in this process. Is there a process, there's like a process right now, everyone gets in or how does that work? Yes, so we run them on Sundays and Wednesdays at 9 p.m. and basically you kind of tag that you're

there at 9 p.m. and we count you as being in the pool and then we, you know, our algorithms just start matching you with people we think you're like. And the nice thing is because we've, you know, been doing the regularly is what I'm calling it for five plus years now. We know who you're liking and what kind of people you swipe right on and left on. So we can actually very precisely match you in real life when someone that we think you're going to like kind of pops into the bar. So we'll put, we'll match you guys together. And if someone, if you've met with, if you've matched with someone on the app, but you've never talked, we'll prioritize that person. So you're actually getting through your,

you're actually meeting the matches that you're collecting on the app. So people are really liking it. It's definitely for the, not for the faint of heart. We're seeing a lot of people come to the tab and then kind of get called feet, which is pretty entertaining to look at the data and be like, oh wow, the girls all got called feet,

right there, they didn't push the wall. So it's, I think we're kind of building the muscle as a society right now with video. And I see it being too basicly beway people will date. But I think it, you know, change takes a little bit of time. Yeah, it does take a little bit of time. But I think why not test it right now? We have so much time.

If you are in a lot of us are home and single, and we know that we're not going to be meeting people at the bars, we can't go to the restaurants. And if we go to the grocery store, we're wearing a mask. So you can have a glass of wine before and put on so you know, your favorite shirt that you haven't been able to wear in a while,

and then it's had fun with it. I love this idea, this is so brilliant. Okay, Amanda, tell me about your, I think the bit first question for people who are finally like, okay, I hear what you're saying. I don't want to be alone all summer. I'm ready. I'm going to make the leap. I'm going to go on my, sign me up. Where do they start? It can be overwhelming. What are the do's and don'ts of making an effective profile?

Yeah, it is overwhelming. There's a lot of apps out there. I think there's over 2000 in the app store. I remember when I was starting to leave every investor and smart person I talked to was like, run away from this industry. It's way overpopulated and crowded. And so it's definitely overwhelming. I think that was really only a handful of good apps that I think, I guess, that I recommend to my friends or family. I think there's some apps that are just

going to give you more people. Like there's going to be apps that give you more than three people a day, unlike the league, that might be good to get started on just to see how it all works and all the fundamentals. I always say, go to the league when you're ready to graduate to the league because you don't want to waste our profiles because they're less in number, but they're pretty high quality and pretty matched to your preferences. I would say pick two or three that you want to start with. Create your profile as much as you can do to showcase,

you know, obviously the higher resolution, the glossier photos they do work. You guys are all on Instagram. You see it as well as I do when you post a photo that's you know, high resolution and very colorful. It's going to get more likes than a muted one or something that's a little blurry. So in the same kind of the same concepts apply and dating. you know, high resolution and very colorful, it's gonna get more likes than a muted one or something that's a little blurry. So in the same kind of the same concepts apply and dating, it's your marketing or something. So I think make sure you're showing all sides of yourself,

the sporty side, the emotional side, the musician side. If you have pictures with family or pets that's always recommended. And I think the big one that we're seeing is if you can showcase that, I guess, instead of a year about me saying, I'm looking for X, Y, and Z, and kind of acting like you're going on a shopping trip to the grocery store, rather talk about some interesting things about you. Instead of saying, here's what I'm looking for, don't message me if, if,

so I think some of these people can kind of create their profile in a way that kind of turns people off because it feels like I'm entitled and I'm here and I'm looking for a six to person that you know is open to my religion or you know just having been a little too prescriptive of what you're looking for and just like let the you know let the algorithms do what they do they They might show you people outside of preferences, they might not. They might be someone you would have never thought you'd liked. So I think trust that there's like large scale kind of matching logic working that that should be giving you someone, you know, you find interesting. Hopefully. That's all good. But it's like the premise of all these tools. Exactly. It is marketing. Maybe like show a friend as well, but like have them see this reflect you. It's totally, it's absolutely marketing. And I mean,

the conversion doesn't matter. One of my friends had all these great photos of himself and they're all very good looking, but it was all by himself. And I was like, you need a photo to show that you think about some another than yourself. Exactly. That you have friends in the world, even a borough dog. Yeah. So Amanda and the league is a really unique app that you actually have to apply to it, right? Correct? There's a process to go through to get into, to get accepted. We kind of have this admissions process similar to like you would, you know, whenever you put an application in, we make you put your six photos, fill out yourself, and then

we'll, we'll try to bring people into the community at a rate that, that we're acquiring. People in that community said the community grows, but we're not, we don't have all men versus all women or all a certain age. So we try to keep the ecosystem balanced. So sometimes people will have to wait on a wait less longer than others. Okay, so that's called the league.

And they can find it. They can download it. It's the league.com. And I'm happy to Amanda. I'm in the other advantage of that is tell me how to keep relationships and balance, but also to screen out the tire kickers, the people that are just window shopping,

the people that are just trying to see, get a date for the night so we don't let anyone in. You know, there's no one coming in the same day kind of thing. So it's a very, it's very much for a serious relationship mindset people. So we're actually about 50-50 women. We're making this because of that. Whereas most dating apps have like loads more men, we're actually even.

Yeah, and I think you're right that a lot of the apps, if people have been other apps and they've gotten tired, because it is, it is a numbers game. People are getting that serotonin rush. They're just swiping, swiping, swiping. They're not even that serious. So I love what you're saying about the league. Like you got to graduate. Like if you're actually really serious to date, because you got to put it out. Like if you

really want something, just get serious about it. I think it's your brother. Yeah, you're like go attend her. And then he's like, how many did you let him in? No, your brother. Did he get to the front? I did. I did. but then he ended up actually finding someone there. So you never know, I think you want to. I love it. See, you're going to find, but this is the thing. I just want people to realize it like it was your aunt's phone alone. Yeah. At least he found the law and you found love, right? You you met your fiance on your app.

Yeah, actually, I'll be you and I switched places. I was in San Francisco and then flew down to LA for our first date and he was living in LA. And now now we look back in San Francisco, but flew down to LA for our first date and he was living in LA. And now we look back in San Francisco, but I was definitely open to kind of dating in multiple cities, which obviously right now is not super practical, but back before this, you know, was $100 playing to get down to LA. Yeah, worth it, clearly. It's easy to bounce around.

Taking risks about, right? People are too narrow in like what they're saying, right, they're filters. Or I only want something to model. What's interesting is with the lead live, the video dating, because the pool is inherently small or it's only the people that come in at 9 PM. So like for instance, on West Coast,

you'll have LA and San Francisco are our two biggest cohorts that come in. And so let's say my friend, for instance, is a 33 year old. She ran out of guys in her age range in San Francisco after she came to a couple nights. And so we gave her some in an LA the next night. And they actually ended up hitting it off.

And now they're kind of like virtually, I guess, in a relationship, exclusive relationship. They haven't met yet. But they would have never met in sort of the standard dating out world because everyone's so focused on, let date in San Francisco. Let me date in my 10 mile radius, but because they were both kind of at the league live speed dating event they got to meet each other in a holiday. I think I turned to users, which is sort of the kind of thing that I'm doing. That's amazing. When we do something well, they both leave.

Right, which is good though, but that's your goal. You're like, I want people who only are serious, who only actually want a date. You're like, I don't know. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor.

I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor.

I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you stay on a favor. I don't know if you was gonna say, I have so many questions for you, but what other things? What have you noticed though now? Because you've had this app now for five years, and so you've probably noticed a lot about dating patterns, and so my first question is, did anything surprise you after five years? Like, what have you learned about how we are all like dating animals? Like, what's the behavior that has surprised you?

We're all animals. We're that you've learned. We are, like, what are we all doing? Like, what's interesting about it? We don't know about maybe dating online. So much interesting. I mean, one of my dreams is to sort of like open source and anonymize and aggregate the data

so that everybody can play with it. Because there's so many things to look into. I know. And there's just not enough analysts to do it. But you know, some of the main trends, I liked a lot about age as it relates to dating because when we started, we served pretty much, I think I was like 28.

When I started it, so our average age was like my age. It was like 28, 29. It's kind of gotten a little bit up there, maybe down 30, 31 since I've aged two. But what we were starting to get users in the 40 plus market after we were in the market for a couple of years. And what we found is that, oh wow, it's like a whole different experience when you're not in the middle of the bunker.

Like when you're in your 30s and pretty much no one's really married yet in their late 20s, if you're in your 45, whether you're a woman or a man, like the experience is very, very different. And I think we started recognizing that there's a little bit of, there's a marketplace, dynamic in play, right? Which is you need to know how many, if I'm a 45 year old woman, I need to know how many fifth, I kind of want to know how many 50 year old men you have on the platform. And also if you only have three, maybe I should be nice to all three of them.

Versus if you have a hundred, I can swipe through them a little more frivolously. And so what we found is that we were actually giving our older users really great matches, but because they were expecting to get sort of an infinite supply of them, they would sort of blow through their best prospects at the beginning of the experience. And then after a couple of months in, they're like, oh, I want those people back. Right. Could you get them back? I'm going to go backwards.

Right. That's smart. That's a cure of food. I know. Yeah. That makes sense, though. You're like recruiting. I love it.

Trying to know, like, help people understand, like, okay, you might, this might be a thinner market. You might want to check multiple cities. You might want to open your age range a little bit. And so now we've, we've started to adjust that a little bit, but it is very You know ages a huge factor and dating and so number one most statistically significant Predictor and if people are gonna match as if their ages are similar. So they need to be similar It's almost like by by having multiple age groups, we almost have like under 20s,

a 30s of 40s, and then there's like the 55 plus, and they all kind of act very different. Yeah, that is true, right? And they shouldn't, they say that the most successful age range is like, I think it's 10 years and younger, eight years, or eight years, I'm sorry, eight years separation. Like, you should be like 20 years.

Well, I don't know if I trust all those studies, but I think they were saying when the woman's 10 years on the other man, for heterosexual relationship, that works. I think we saw that, and again, I don't know, maybe they were looking at marriages. We saw that actually the same age was the most statistically significant. And of course, our data is more in the 30s year old people. So it's, you know, not 50, 50 as much. But in general, we found that it was actually being close

in age was highly predictive. But again, we're not tracking all the way to marriage. We're just checking conversations out on the app. So what else are you finding right now during COVID that's been interesting with the data? What has changed? Definitely video chat. People are opening up widening their lens, dating in different cities. Anything else that you've noticed

or that we need to know about dating online right now? We're talking about a man to Bradford. We're going to be much more open right now. We track what we consider conversions in the industry is when someone sends their phone number or email address or anything that shows or tries to take things to the next stage. And what we saw during COVID was that people were much more willing to give out their information and exchange phone numbers and start these sort of relationships a little bit quicker because,

probably because they're scared, they're alone, they have no one else to talk to, they can't leave their house. So it's almost like, it's actually a really good time to build these relationships because people are very responsive and receptive to initiating messages. So we saw just much more chatty behavior. So you'll get rejected less.

I guess it's a way to summarize it. I think that's smart, I think. I think that's really interesting. That is interesting. Well, I think because we have more time and I like to just slow down a little bit and I think sometimes we're a little bit too hasty and we think we won't like this person or we always think there's

going to be something else, the bigger, better deal. But maybe it's the time now, I think what you're saying is like, let's slow down, take a chance, my little chat with someone, you might be surprised. I think often we are. We are surprised at what we're going to like, but when we're too rigid in our standards, like much, must be six, two and all the things, we're less likely to match with someone. I would think of whom are really restrictive. Oh, for sure. I mean, there's like huge correlation between the people that have their preferences set. The most narrow kind of have the longest period of time between matches

just because not as many people see them when they're trying to only see a sliver of the pie. So it, you know, it ends up kind of hurting yourself too when you're too restrictive. You don't get as much visibility. Yeah. Amanda, I love what you're doing here. So we can, people can check out, they can go online, they can speed date. I'm talking to Amanda Bradford from the league, they can find it's the app, the league.com. Yeah, tell everyone to come to our league live. It's on Sundays and Wednesday. We're all coming. We're all coming. Amanda, can we all come? We all want to come. So it's, they want to actually we could give you guys a hashtag or say if they text their

concierge sex with Emily, we can make sure everyone gets whitelist. Let's do it right now. Let's tell them Amanda. Let's get everybody on it. So it's Sunday night. You said Wednesday night at 9 p.m. And so yeah, just text your concierge when you sign up. You'll get a concierge and you can text them sex with Emily

And I'll send them a note right now to let them know to give you guys all the money treat me Sex with Emily. Okay, and this is for all of our listeners as well. Not just my not just because my whole team is literally coming They all want to come out. They already said do you think she'd let us come on the app? So we're all gonna be there. We love to record you guys doing it. We need more content. Okay, we're going to do it. Amanda, we thank you so much for coming on. I was really excited to talk to you. Let's stay in touch because I think that people need this advice more than ever right now. And I think they're just starting to realize that we're home. We're going to be home for a while. We don't want to. It's time to go to this day. Right.

Let's get good at the dating game. We come back and give us an advice and some stats and help us Amanda. I would love to. Yeah, we can give you stats on how your team does on the board. Okay, let's do it. Let's talk about this offline. I love it. Okay, thank you so much, Amanda Bradford. You can check out the league.com. We're also going to put this information at the show notes. Everything we talk about is in the show notes at sexwithemily.com. We'll put in the code, a link. We're going to be speed dating this weekend on Sunday. So join us, 9 o'clock.

Thank you, Amanda, for being here. We appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. We're going to take a quick break. And we come back more with online dating. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So what do you think, Sex with Emily, team? Are we all going to go speed dating this weekend?

What's been your experience with apps? Guys, I'm so into the speed dating idea. Like, I've been wanting to do yours, Emily, but we haven't put it together yet, but I know we're gonna do that as one of your events. I'm so in the data. I think that's the, I think you know right away, especially if it's video,

like you get that vibe, like you can tell, okay, like we're gonna have a vibe or not, I don't even really need to say much. But my experience so far is I've never actually met a long-term boyfriend on a dating app, and I've been on dating apps since they came out. I've met people who have dated for a few months, but it never turned into anything. I don't know, Alisa and Ryan, what's been your experience?

Yeah. It's a lot of... Before, I felt like I was always trying to, you know, find a magical way to bridge that, that chasm between small talk and actually meeting up in person. Like, just whatever it takes to figure out how to say, okay, I think you're cute, you know,

you seem like you have an interesting bio. How do I, what words in what order do I have to say them to, you know, actually meet for coffee, you know, it's always that challenge to go from the virtual to the, to the, to the real and, and, and nowadays, though, it seems like all it is a small talk. And because you're never really know what you can't go meet for coffee and you can't go, you know, so it's been futile in my experience the last couple months.

Well Ryan, this is where I think that the, I think that you should hop right onto this league speed dating thing because when the last time you called in before you became our intern, I believe you were talking about how you felt like it was hard, you're just going to give up on it because you didn't want to go that much deeper with people. Are you having a harder time with it? But now I think they're giving you the questions from that book that I keep that I love, that book that people fall in love,

if you have 42 questions to fall in love. I started talking about that early on in COVID saying, like let's ask better questions, let's get to know each other. So this might be, this is what's up for you, Ryan, I think. Go a little deeper. It won't be surface small talk. You've got three minutes to know you're in your out

Like let's all get more efficient right now and stop wasting time I think before it might be wasting time. This is what I always wanted to bring back speed dating because Because I think that you learned you know you know like for me like I hate it's ironic wasting time I like being efficient in the best ways possible and. And listen, if you can know in three minutes rather than especially for us, we gotta get dressed, we gotta shower, we gotta drive for a cross time, we gotta date, we show up. No, I don't wanna, I don't wanna go for a drink with this person.

I can't get that hour back, that two hours. But if you could do it in a night on your phone, on a video chat, and you could meet like five women, and you have to ask something deep now like where you're from. Would you start in school? Do you need brothers and sisters? Like no one wants other conversations anymore. But to know in a moment, like the depth of their soul, or at least if you want to have sex with them or not or go to the next level, that could be cool. Will you do it? Chris and I do it. I'm done to try it. I'm always up for trying new things and meeting

new people. So, you know, if it's this this this idea of a speed dating video chat seems very very interesting, you know, I can't say no to it. It's an hour of your time. At least so what about you? I've never been on the dating apps, but I know if I was something that always grabs my attention is banter, it's really funny. And I couldn't always tell right away when somebody has a sense of humor, when they're a little bit sarcastic, and that always catches me. I'm like, okay, we're going to vibe. But yeah, I mean, I've never really been somebody who's like, quit dating as a priority, maybe because I'm a little bit younger.

I just turned 25. So I just kind of meet people as I go throughout life, through friends, and I've never really put any pressure on it. And it always works out the best that way, because I'm not taking it too seriously. I'm like, oh, like if I like you and I'm vibing with you, like, let's keep talking. And I'm always very like present with it. I'm not like, I'm like an emeritus person I like you and I'm vibing with you, like, let's keep talking. And I'm always very like present with it.

I'm not like, am I gonna marry this person? But that's just me. No, I think that's healthy. I think it's healthy, and especially in your 20s, just to kind of figure out what am I into? Who do I like? And be dating different people. And I think it's a great time to kind of learn about yourself.

And I think when we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, it's when things don't happen. I found that in many areas of life letting go is when things happen. And it's a weird balance. Like when you want something so bad, you try to make it work, you just explode, but when you just kind of let go and relax, I never understood it until I really, until it's worked for me in different areas of my life, just to be like, okay, I'm going to not try so hard, I'm going to trust the process.

be like, okay, I'm gonna not try so hard, I'm gonna trust the process. And really how much information should we put in our profiles? Like, I feel like some people put too little, some people put too much, like what should we put in there? I think that you just, I think you want to tell a story about who you are. I mean, this is what Amanda was saying is that you just kind of want to say, like instead of saying like,

I want this is all the things I like doing or what I'm looking for. Tell a story and say I, you know, you'll find me on the weekends hiking, running, can in. I love making my favorite pasta on the weekends and ask you out that one time I was got stuck in an elevator, blah, blah, blah. You know, like I think that you want to tell stories and get people to ask a question and sort of paint a picture of your life through story.

And I think that I don't know a lot of us of ADD and I think less is more, but the more you put, I think what you put should be fun and tell a story about who you are. Then they can't- That's the question about, yes, of course Ryan. On the dating apps, you apps, I think the biggest challenge for a lot of people, not just myself,

is the opening line. Because I've heard from people on both sides of the opinion of one person says, don't put in the effort, just don't come off to aggressive, just say, hey, and if they're even remotely interested at all, then they'll say, hey, and then you're in. And then other people are like, guy just say, hey, and if they're even remotely interested at all then they'll say, hey, and then you're in. And then other people like, don't say, hey, that's so low effort. Give, you know, try to pull together something that's relevant to

their bio or their pictures. So I mean, I never know which way to go. What do you think of this? Yeah, I mean, I can tell you from experience and might some dating app experience I've done of the texting. And I think people will probably Yeah, I mean, I can tell you from experience and might some dating app experience I've done of the texting and I think people will probably agree with this perhaps that no effort is showing what kind of effort someone's gonna make in the relationship. So I think you gotta show that you read the bio

for me, the guys that are like, so you went to Michigan, go blue. Even that shows they read it or do you know, I love they give me a fact about, usually it was like they always played like Michigan things or they played with Something that I did for a living you know if I said I was a podcast. I love podcasts or you know Just show that you read it and kind of be you know your clever make it kind of like you read the bio kind of fun Banzar like Alisa saying I think a lot of a lot of us can relate to

Making an effort and and being kind of fun and flirty, you know And I think that's easy to do. You just, you read it and say something clever. Because to me, like, hey, like, no, hey, I'm about to leave. Like that just, if you really, like, if you're a serious daydream and you want to meet someone, take five seconds and think of something a little bit clever to say. Because then that shows me that you don't even have time

for dating, perhaps, or you're just kind of casting a white net. And then you gotta keep it going. It's a lot, it can be a lot of work, but if you're somebody, it's actually we have more time now, like take the time and find an app that works for you, because there are, what was she saying? There's like 2000 apps?

I had no idea that with that many. Try the league, well we're all to be able to get special infotations to go on the league. And it's the league.com, if you use code sex with Emily once you join or once you send it in, you get, you download the league. And it's the league.com if you use code sex with Emily once you join or once you send it in, you get, you download the app. I believe you to download the app. It's on all phones.

And then you get a concierge. It must be like a chat feature. And then you tell them sex with Emily sends you. Try it out for a night. I mean, they're not a sponsor. I just met Amanda. She seems lovely. And I love that she's doing speed dating. Thanks to my incredible listeners, I love you all. And thanks to my great team, thanks for all your hard work. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, Robin, Nikita, our interns, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemlead.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪