Sex With Emily - Visualize Your Vulva

Episode Date: April 17, 2021

How well do you know the vulva and vagina? In this episode, I’m joined by four guests to break down all things V. We’re talking about how to take care of your vulva, the importance of strengthening your pelvic floor, WTF is up with menopause, and so much more. My first guest is OB/GYN, author of the She-Ology book series, and an expert in all things women’s sexual health, Dr. Sherry Ross. She shares the benefits of getting to know your (or your partner’s) vulva, the relationship between insecurity and porn, solutions for painful sex, and of course, squirting.Next, we have MaryEllen Reider, from Yarlap, who joins me to talk about the importance of the pelvic floor muscles. Did you know that stronger pelvic floor muscles can make stronger orgasms? It’s true! Finally, the founder of Tabu, Natalie Waltz, and her mother, Ouhoud Dabbas help me demystify menopause and discuss how masturbation can help increase your libido.For more information about Dr. Sherry, visit: drsherry.comFor more information about MaryEllen Reider & Yarlap, visit: yarlap.comFor more information about Natalie Waltz & Ouhoud Dabbas, visit: heytabu.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Your clitoris runs along your pelvic floor muscles. And so when your body kicks in with muscle memory through keg or exercises or whatever, your body kicks in before you're having an orgasm and it goes, wait, hold on, I know how to do this through muscle memory. And I know how to do it really strong. So let's just have this mind blowing orgasm. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred

institutions. Bet through minds. They call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright, how well do you know the vulva, the vagina? Well, in this episode, I'm joined by four guests for V101. We're talking about how to take care of your vulva, the importance of strength in your pelvic floor, WTF is up with menopause and so much more. My first guest is O.P.G.Y. on, author of the Shialogy book series and an expert in all

things women's sexual health doctor Sherry Ross. She shares the importance of getting to know your or your partner's vulva and vagina, the relationship between insecurity and porn, solutions for painful sex, and of course, squirting. Next, we have Mary Ellen Ryder from Yarlapp, who joins me to talk about the importance of the pelvic floor muscles. Did you know stronger pelvic floor muscles

can make for stronger orgasms? It's true. Finally, the founder of Taboo, Natalie Waltz, and her mother, Ahud Debos, helped me demystify metapause and discuss how masturbation can help increase your libido. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending an intention for the show.

So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to give you insights into aspects of female sexual health and the vagina and the ball ball that often get overlooked. If you haven't emailed, you'd like to send me. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. All you gotta do is include your name, your gender identity, your location, your age, and how you listen to the show.

Alright, everyone, enjoy this special episode. Dr. Sherry Ross, aka Dr. Sherry, is an OBGYN author of Shialogy, the definitive guide to women's intimate health period. And Shialogy, the sequel, lets continue the conversation. She's a health expert, she's been a passionate advocate for women's health for over 25 years. And she's received nearly every top doctor, super doctor, and patients choice award in the United States. And you can find more about her at DrSherry.com. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you here. I feel like I can't believe our

past have not crossed because you really are part of this vagina revolution. and you've been such an advocate for women creating such powerful resources and products. So could you tell everyone about yourself before we get into all the questions? Sure. Well, first of all, just grateful to be on the show. So I'm just an old BGYN, a private practice, Santa Monica for over 25 years. I love what I do and I always say that my most important conversations

are when a woman's legs are in strokes because that's when I get to hear all the good stuff. And a lot of my creations have really come from the need that I see is missing for women in sexual wellness. My books really came from those conversations. It was beyond our bodies ourselves. I just thought, you know, these are, this is tough, I have to write down.

So your books are fabulous first off. Sheology, the definitive guide to women's intimate health period. And then, sheology, the sequel, let's continue the conversation. And I felt when I looked at them, like finally, I have a resource now to send all the women in my life. Like this is your present, no matter what age you are. I love that.

And so I love that your book is all things V. It's like the healthy V, the hormonal V, the benched V, collapse V, divorced V. Thank you. And we are just walking around, women don't want to look at themselves. I mean, I was thinking so many memories came back to me when I was in my 20s and 30s, I was living in San Francisco, and I had a male gynecologist.

The one question was like, are you having regular sex? Are you using protection? Like, how many partners do you have? And I always felt so grateful the years that I had a partner, one partner, and then there's some years I'm like, six, you know, and I was like in my open stage. So I was like, you know, all genders. So I've helped shame. And if it's just that one question was just like, okay, can we get past the part about my side? I don't want you to think I'm sexual. What is hands around my vagina? So it's just like we don't, and I always say this on my show, we don't want to talk to

our doctors about our vaginas. We don't talk to our friends about it. We don't even want to take a look, right? So you really get women to not only take a look with a mirror, but you get them to really understand the importance. It's so empowering to know your vagina and to understand it and to keep saying the word, you know? That's right. I mean, you know she's our best friend.

Like our BFFs, we have to nurture them. We have to get to know them, and empower ourselves in earless. And it's a cultural issue that we are all fighting to stand our men arm, do grassroots movements together. You know, to change this conversation because we are taking back our bodies slowly but surely. I love something that you said,

and I think we should just start with the vagina in general. I've heard you say, treat your vagina like you would the skin on your face. And I thought, yeah, I would never use the same soap on my face. I don't even use my body soap on my face. But with the vagina,

we just kind of skip over it. So what don't we know about taking care of our vagina? I always say this is a very delicate area of skin or sweat glands, there's hair follicles, and just women are confused how to take care of this area. So if you just use it as the same way, use special cleansers, hydrating creams and moisturizers, that you do your face, that you would use on your vulva. And that's how we have to start caring and thinking about this very important, delicate area of our body. Right.

And can I use my same products on my face? Are my vagina, or do you think we have to use different products? I think you sort of do because it's all about the pH balance. For so many things that we use there, so there's special products that are made for the face that may have retinol in it or different ingredients that you may not use on the vagina. And some of those products use on your face can also be drying. So, you know, anything that's not cared for, moisturized and clans can get dry. Dryness leads to itching irritation and painful sex. Problems exercising, shaving, lasering,

whatever you're doing down there is drawing out this. Yes, it's dry. It does get dry. It really does. I mean, you don't realize it, I guess, because we're not looking at our bodies. And you've looked at a lot, and I also love people should check out your visual vagina library at Dr. Sherry.com. Yeah.

I mean, you guys, if you want to know, you guys are often saying to me, I don't know what a low-woah, what's wrong with me, I'm like, they're like, the gynas are like snowflakes, they're all different, and if you don't believe me, go to your website and look at it. It's such a great resource

to illustrate the different kinds of vaginas and vulvas that women have. The visual, vaginal library, VVL, I did it with my first book, and I wanted to be show-and show and tell. I wanted women to be able to, you know, to see what I was talking about. If you, you know, have a vaginal tear and you're having painful sex and you look at your vagina, you see a big tear, then you go to the VVL on my doctor, Sherry's site, all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, I have that or an infection or, you

know, how big are my lips? I'm wondering if you saw with the ubiquity of porn, probably when the smartphones that I put out of a pocket like 2005, is did you see an increase in women asking about their labias and there was something wrong with my vagina? Am I not normal? Or has that been happening?

Yes, the answer is, unequivocally yes. I mean, everyone's, how do I get the perfect vagina? Or what I'm noticing is that the boyfriends are commenting. And in fact, the perfect V was my first chapter in the geology book because this was new, this whole conversation. Then you do this so well in your book, geology, and all your materials that,

that's not gonna be shameful for your vaginas. Find the way it is like the more confident we are with it, it's going to be fine. But is that one partner that might shame you or say something and then it's just gut wrenching, you know, you're like, oh, God, you just want to take it away. And I'll tell you, I mean, there are people who do, you know, have a long labia. There are people that are out there, but for the most part, you're vulva is beautiful. And uneven. Just like our eyes are brass, anything in twos, right?

Emily, anything in twos. Yes. Exactly. Everything is uneven. That is so true. Women, what about squirting? See, I just want to ask you the questions that I get asked. Can every woman learn to squirt? It can be hard sometimes, but I think the G-spot and other spots in the vagina where

these liquids are coming out under the, you know, that little skin-sclan area, I think we all have the capability. I mean, they say up to 70% of women can squirt. Maybe it's not the one we've all seen of the rich that far. And what have arc that goes about 10 feet to that porn? Exactly. That's not gonna happen.

Right, but you know, you know, you get wet and sometimes you get more wet another time and you're like, oh, I'm sitting in this new puddle on my bed. That is squirting as well. Wouldn't you say? I think there's just a- Yeah, it is squirting.

We all get wet. It's just that we think it's to be like this geyser. Like, you're more like, like, a conference friend in Regina. And it's not. But do it for yourself because you want to learn that because your partner is like, hey, can you do that cool thing

that you're going to squirt all over the place? I don't want that. Have you found that in the work that you're doing, is there any universal thing that you've found in all these years that is just as, like, what women just really need to know if you're like this is what women I want you to know this about your vagina? Well I want them first and foremost to look at it.

I will see women in their 40s and 50s who have never looked at their vagina. And they're almost embarrassed but I'm always like, oh let's just look together and I'll pull it out. But I mean the clitoris, the right to success, I mean, you have to know where it is, what's your anatomy, I think it's so important to know. And then I really think it's important to know how to care for your vagina, how to clean it.

And vagina, I'm meaning vulva and vagina. I think this is what's also been a problem for us is, you know, used to be vagina meant everything. Right. Let's talk about caring for the vagina. Yeah. What is the best because I actually have your incredible is moisturizer. That's care for it. What do we do? What should we do? And what? Yeah. I mean, listen, the vulva.

Yes, you need to clean that area and all the little crevices and under the literal hood and the opening of the vagina. You need to clean it because of all the bacteria that's and all the little crevices and under the clitoral hood and the opening of the vagina, you need to clean it because of all the bacteria that's nearby from the rectum and the urine and just sweating and the hair follicles. So you need to clean that area and then what I love and I used to tell women all the time, extra virgin coconut oil, soak in it, it back because it is the greatest hydrator around. So I get a lot of questions from listeners and I would love to if you could help me answer some of them here. This is from Grace 37 in Kentucky. Dear Dr. Emily I was wondering if you could speak on Perry Metapause. I think I may be going through it but when I've spoken with

my Gonicologist about it, my last two annual exam, she's been dismissive, saying you're kind of young for that. I realize I'm young for it. My mother went through early menopause at 40, and I'm approaching 40 myself. I have symptoms like hair loss, anxiety, mood swings, heavier than normal periods.

I used to feel cold all the time, now I'm hot. I have occasional hot flashes and night sweats and occasional vaginal dryness. My monthly menstrual migraine seemed to have gotten better. Should I blood work done? Is there some kind of way to know if I'm starting parimenopause? I've read mixed articles saying hormones are changing so much during menopause that testing isn't accurate. Should I assume I am?

I think knowing what help with my anxiety thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. And I just want to say that, I get, and this came in last night, really. What should we tell Grace here? Yeah, first of all, my heart goes out to you. You know, you are not alone. And hairy menopause, so it's usually your 10 years before menopause.

Now, if the average age of menopause is 51, usually you're 40s, but listen, it definitely can be happening in someone in their late 30s. And you're describing exactly what perimenopause is. All the symptoms, hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, depression, anxiety, heart palpitations, panic attacks, you know, hair loss, and you're probably having regular periods, and your FSH in estradiol, which is the hormones hopefully she's checking and if she hasn't your doctor should and they're probably going

to be normal. No big surprise but that is parimenopause and I think that you know we are not treating our parimenopause patients correctly because there are remedies that you can use and it doesn't have to be HRT, Homer and husband therapy or the pill. There's some great herbs that work so well and with science behind them for just these symptoms. So, passion flower extract and chaspberry are amazing.

Alone, you can do each of those alone to treat a lot of these symptoms. There was a, you know, our menopause society meetings had a poster, like a science poster, looking at passion flower extract, recommending it to our breast cancer patients who can't take estrogen. But it's a really great way of treating a lot of these symptoms because we know, you know, the eye of the storm is coming. Yeah, giving you back to estrogen because that's what we're talking about is that is you start to lose estrogen. The lining of the vagina walls become thinner, less lubrication, all those things.

So if you can take hormones in a healthy way, like why not? It's 10 years early. We're talking 10 years, paramedicase. And then metapause is when you don't actually don't get a period for a year, but we're talking 10 years women at least 10, right? Or what you're going to be able to take by. Yeah, the period of my nopause is, is it, you know, again, if you are taking care of your vulva and vagina and you're hydrating, I will say this, I'm a very big fan of hyeronic acid, and we do use it for the vagina inside and outside, and our

urgent intimates has it in the formulation because it is so good for hydrating the cells. And menopause is so hard and drying, and it begins in paramedic plasma. There are hyeronic acid that you can use inside instead of estrogen. They've done great studies, Emily, looking at estrogen and hyeronic acid just inside for

you know, vulva or vaginal atrophy, dryness and thinning of the tissue and hyeronic acid did great. I mean, it had the same benefits. Thank you for this. This is good information. Don't you have wearable dilators that you've created? I do, I do. It's amazing.

I was like, you make wearable dilators? Like that women can just wear around and do the dishes? I've talked a lot about women going to pelvic floor therapists, but once they get treated, they can just wear it on their own. Talk about the process of wearing a dilator. I am a huge advocate of sexual wellness. What I was seeing was, A, we weren't offering enough conversation and knowledge, but we weren't offering enough conversation and knowledge, but we weren't offering enough solutions. And the traditional dilators were these long dilators that you'd have to lie on the bed

for 20 to 30 minutes, two or three times a week. And patient said to me, she's like, you know, if I'm laying down, I'm either sleeping or I'm dead. So, you know, there was a time factor. And so I said, we need to make them so you can wear them. Because at least if I'm sitting in a chair, I'm working out or cooking dinner, or even reading a bedtime story to my child, I mean, you're stretching the entrance, which is where a lot of women have discomfort.

And it's not just about the Lou. Yeah, I love your dilators. I was like, so excited they exist. You know, I was thinking it's like, if you were my gynecologist, I would be excited to go, Dr. Sherry, but we think about it. We think, oh God, the gynecologist is like going to the dentist

and I just got to get in and get out. But I want to encourage everyone listening who has a vagina and evolve out of you. Like, I get to go spend an hour, like with my power source, with somebody who is an expert in this area, I'm excited to go to the gynecologist. I get to ask these questions,

so it helps my sexual health and my wellness. I want us to be like, yay, I get to take charge. So let's take responsibility for our own pleasure here and our own vaginas. Let's talk about more of the causes of vaginal pain because I really, I get asked this every day and it feels like it's even more so lately. So what are the causes of pain

that we don't really realize? It's a very long list of potential reasons. I think, you know, the most common that I find is vaginal dryness. Women aren't getting adequately lubricated, you know, not enough for a play because we know how that works. You know, it takes a woman what? 13 to 20 minutes, seven orgasm, and her guy is three to five, and you know, there's

not enough over the warm-up, and women need the warm-up. So that tends to be the most common reason, and of course we look for using Lube and making sure and communicating with your partner that you might need to be more revved up. But also if you are stressed or you drink a lot of alcohol or you're smoking cigarettes or using an histamine or perverse control or antidepressants that can also affect your ability to naturally lubricate. I think infrequent intercourse is another one that we just don't talk about. Well, how do you define infrequent? Well, it's a great question. I mean, you know, if the average is once a week, let's say,

but, you know, infrequent is once a month is infrequent in my mind, but I'm talking more if you're in between relationships and, you know, if it's birthday and anniversary sex, that's in frequent too. But this is where, like, dialators to me are so important, because I had a patient and she was in her, you know, late 40s and she said, I haven't seen my husband in two months, he's been working out of town, and I know I'm in a painful sex. And she said, what can I do about it? And I said, well, let me show you how to use these dilators, but what's nice about it is that it

come in smaller sizes and they're just not so intimidating. So you can definitely use them twice, three times a week. You leave them in for half hour. And she called me, she's like, oh my God, I'm having the best sex ever. And she said, I don't have pain. We didn't have to go through that. I didn't get a bladder infection. I, you know, and it's so when I hear those stories, it makes me really happy.

Yeah. Can we explain, Rob, just to find what a dilator is in case people don't know? Because I got all excited about your dilators, but we didn't even explain what they are. So dilators are to stretch out the entrance, the opening of the vagina, to make anything that you put in there later, not uncomfortable. And it could also be tampons or penis or finger, whatever it is. It can just, and also get you in, if you're someone who's not having frequent sex, I just love the idea of wearing it for how long do I suggest people wear it? So, you can wear it for 30 minutes, you can wear it for five minutes. What about people who have repeated UTIs

or yeast infections? They always want to know like, why me? Why is it just your pH? Is it something new? Assuming it's with the same partner and you're having regular penetration or regular contact. Because even if you have a steady relationship but you're having penetration sex once a month,

you're more apt to get a UTI. So it's really taking a deeper dive into knowing the why, recurrent yeast infection, recurrent gardener relabectarium infection, or common women in the 40 to 50s, especially and I'm convinced it's due to the hormonal changes that affect the pH balance, but there are like boric acid capsules that you can use to neutralize and keep the vagina acidic, because that's what you want. There are some really great products that are preventative for UTIs, that have demonos

in them that sort of prevent the bacteria from, you know, sort of latching onto the bladder. So there are things that can be done. It's not just throwing antibiotics your way, there are things you can do. Okay. Well, thank you for all the work that you're doing. I have to ask you now, Dr. Sherry, the five quickie questions

that we ask all of our guests. Ah. Okay, ready? What's your biggest turn on? Passionate kissing, while listening to our favorite playlist in the background. Oh, okay, biggest turn on. Passionate kissing while listening to our favorite playlist in the background. Okay, biggest turn off. Oh, not showering regularly. What makes good sex? Just love. Love something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Get that mirror

out, know your body, learn the masturbate before you have any sexual experience, know yourself. Number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex. How great it is when you take control of it. Yes, Dr. Sherry, thank you so much for being here. Where can people find you? Instagram, Dr. Sherry R. You can find me L&2, Blady Parts, and also my website, Dr.Sherry.com. And I would love to continue our conversation, Emily. Definitely, Dr. Sherry. We're going to put all of your information in the show notes.

And thank you, Dr. Sherry, for being here. Thank you for having me, Emily. I'm going to take a quick break. Thank you for supporting our sponsor, Stick Around. I'm talking to Mary Ellen Ryder from YarLab, about how to maintain a strong pelvic floor. I'm so excited for my next guest, Mary Ellen Ryder. She's here to join me.

She's the co-director of Yarlap, which you've heard me talk about for over a year. It's a wellness device to treat urinary continents and improve sexual performance through your muscle control. A Yarlap is an FDA-clear device. You simply insert it like a tampon and Yarlap does kegels for you safely and effectively. Find more at yarlap.com Y-A-R-L-A-P.

I love your story, Mary Ellen. Welcome to the show. And thank you, thank you for making such an incredible product that so many women, vulva owners need. And I just thought it was a time to have you on because we get so many emails from people, too, saying, what was that thing you talked about? And then also, what do I do? Would I sneeze in pee and urinary incontinence and the whole thing? And then when I got to hear your actual story, I was like, we just got to bring you on the show. So thank you for what the work that you've done, really, for women. But tell me, please, just like, how do you get interested in pelvic floor health?

My dad is a medical device engineer. And he designed this device. and I was working for women for women international as an intern. Then I saw that when women as a society or happier society itself is happier. It's kind of the root. And I didn't know a lot about incontinence or the pelvic floor at all and realized that my closest friends had it too. And in their 20s, yeah. And nobody wanted to talk about it and nobody wanted to call it by its name.

They were like, I laugh a little bit and then I pee, but it's totally normal, it's fine. And I was like, no, it's not. It's not normal. So first let's just kind of explain and break down what we're talking about with urinary and condoms. Like let's just explain kind of what goes on. Imagine a hammock. It's a bunch

of muscles that zigzag like a hammock across your pubic bone to the back of your spine and it holds everything together into its natural position, right? Your bladder, your uterus, your visceral organs, all into its natural position, it, the foundation. And these muscles over time, or through repetitive motion, like running, or jumping, childbirth, pregnancy, weight, hormones, so many things. So, let's go on and on, can weaken them, or if we never engage them properly, the atrophy, the weaken, from lack of use. And these muscles then start to sag. So your hammock starts to sag and everything falls and shifts from its natural position.

And you have these things where you have instances of laughing, coughing, sneezing, jumping, and you pee a little bit. Or you have a random urge to pee and you involuntarily pee, right? It's kind of like a hug, a really tight hug on your bladder and you can't control it. And that all comes from your pelvic floor muscles losing that tone. And the interesting thing is women of all ages, so you always hear, you know,

we often hear like after childbirth, obviously your pelvic floor is disrupted. You have a human come out of your vagina. There's going to be some stuff, but also just even without childbirth, and women you said even in their 20s, so how would you explain that? There's a big misconception where people are like, well, I run, and I'm very active, but I don't think that my pelvic floor is weak,

but I do pee a little bit, and that's all correlated, it's all interrelated, just because you run or you do squats or you do yoga, does it mean that you are engaging your pelvic floor? Exactly. And so there's just different ways to exercise the body. And I think we often neglect the pelvic floor. And it's extremely important to make sure

that those muscles are engaged and properly toned. Kegels are great and you could still do them, but this like does them for you. Yeah. So it doesn't matter if you're male or female. We're basically all told to do Kegel exercises and then we're told because of that we have these benefits, right? So we have point A and point B, but we don't really know how to get there. And we go online and we try to read these instructions and they don't make sense, or we end up using

the wrong muscles, right? And so the R-lap, what it does is it just does everything for you. It takes that gas work of, am I doing the right muscle group? Am I doing it correctly? Am I doing it for the right amount of time? All those questions are taken care of for you and all you have to do is just sit there or lie down or walk around. Once a day, three to five days a week, the RLAPS got you completely set. It just sends that signal directly to your pelvic floor muscles to engage. And it feels like a firm handshake in the vagina. I mean, everybody has a different sensation, but that's the most common one. I went away for a week, and this was great for me because it got me in the habit, but

I took a little self-facation away and I packed my R-lap. For me, I felt a difference after doing it for about 10 days. It was like a week. I was doing it and I felt that they were stronger. I didn't have any of this Nezim P and here's the best part is that when you're strengthening your pelvic floor, those happen to be the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. And you've probably heard this from reviews and stuff. My orgasms were stronger.

Like sex was better. Master patient, they were stronger, different. Is this what you hear from women? Yeah. Your clitoris is like an iceberg, right? So you only see like 20% of it in the bulb. But it runs along your pelvic floor muscles. And so when you're orgasming,

you feel like a clenching, a pulse, that's your pelvic floor muscles. And so when your body kicks in with muscle memory through kegel exercises or whatever, like it does with the yarlap, your body kicks in before you're having an orgasm and it goes, wait, hold on, I know how to do this through muscle memory. And I know how to do it really memory. And I know how to do it really strong. And I know how to do it really well. So let's just have this mind blowing orgasm because it's all interrelated. Yeah, you've seen studies about women like dragon bowling balls. Have you ever seen that woman, she like drags big objects?

Like they're not, it's not like I'm bringing this like small little piece across the table. It's like I'm towing cars across like a real line. She toes cars with her pelvic floor muscles that are very strong. So what I love about this this this this device is that it's just yes I could send you my kegels or I could wear a yoni egg and all the things but this is just fast tracks that I want like quick result that's the thing also why I'm obsessed because it doesn't take long just be consistent. Okay, so what about women with pain studies have shown that 80% of women are going to experience pain at some point in their life during sex and some women it's all the time. Yeah, if you do experience

pain during sex, talk to somebody whether it's a sex therapist, your doctor, your general practitioner, to see if your pelvic floor muscles are tight, right? And they need to learn how to relax. So a lot of people think that K-O-L-X or sizes are a one size fits all miracle exercise. And that's not necessarily true. They're fantastic. I love them. But for people who have super tight pelvic floor muscles,

clenching already tight muscles isn't going to do any favors. So the R-Lap does offer relaxation programs to teach your muscles to relax, but sex should not be painful. And sometimes those are big indicators that that pelvic floor muscle is tight. And you should probably talk to somebody to see if pelvic floor relaxation exercises is the more accurate path for you. Because I think that that's really important. I think that it's often neglect where we're like, okay, well, we have to clench them. They have to be tight.

But what about people who have it and it's already tight? What did they do? Right. Exactly. Also, I always say you could also find a pelvic floor physical therapist. Yes. Yep. That's a game changer when I first learned about that profession. And we've done a lot of great podcasts with Heather Jeff Cote, who is a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can look

for those what we talk about that. Listen, if you're experiencing pain during sex, that is not your lot in life. It doesn't have to always be painful. You don't have to suffer. I think that that's a big thing that women were kind of or evolve a havers or whomever anyone has been basically told that this is like the cards that you're dealt with. And that's not true. That is not true.

And the R-Lab we do actually work very heavily with pelvic fourth therapists because we're all in this together, right? And we're all in this together, right? We're all trying to figure these muscles out. And we do strongly encourage people, like if you do have pain or there is something up, like you just feel something's different, weird. Definitely talk to a pelvic floor therapist. If you have that luxury, absolutely. Oh, you are a dream, Mary Ellen. Thank you so much for the work that you do in your family and your dad. People will love this.

Try it out. This is going to make a lot of vulvas happy and healthy. I think so too. So thank you. Thank you for being here, Mary Ellen. Where can people find you? You can find us at yarlap.com, yarlap.com. You can choose an email or a chat or whatever,

and also on our Instagram at yarlapp.yarlap.com underscore OTC. Okay, Marilyn, I'm gonna ask you the five cookie questions we ask all of our guests. Okay, what's your biggest turn on? Biggest turn on is the back of my neck. I don't think that a lot of people really give that area a lot of love,

but I think it's really important. I think so too. Biggest turn off. This is gonna sound terrible because I think communication is extremely important, but like a lot of talking. I don't wanna hear like your agenda or about your day.

I know this sounds terrible, but like I'm here for pleasure and like communication is great, but I don't need to know about your workload and all this other stuff. Are they like, oh, I gotta get back to that email. I just got an alert. I gotta send my boss that PDF.

Yeah, and they're just reiterating what they were doing the entire day. I'm like, wait, what are we doing? That is not for play. Okay, what makes good sex? Your pelvic floor muscles. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Sex doesn't necessarily mean love, and that it's okay to use plenty of lubrication. Like it's okay. Blue but out. No shame in the loop game. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That your pelvic floor muscles are incredibly important to the whole thing. I think a lot of people compartmentalize them where it's like there's intimacy health and then there's sex. And in reality, they're all intertwined. There is no hard line separating the two. All right, well thank you so

much Mary Ellen for being here. Thank you so much for having me. This was so fun. When we come back, I'm talking to Natalie Waltz and Ahu Deboss from Taboo, all about opening up the conversation about female sexual health and self-care. Natalie Watts is the founder and CEO of Taboo, the first sexual wellness kit made for Metapause. The kit features a lightweight, discrete massager and organic healing lubricant designed to help you comfortably kick off and maintain your sexual wellness routine. Natalie was inspired to create the product after a conversation with her mother about sex and physical and emotional changes that take place during Metapause.

Natalie's mother, Ahu Debas, is also on the show with us. Not only was she the inspiration for the company, but she's also a mother of four and currently studying at the University of San Diego. You can find more at haytaboo.com. That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-U. I'm so excited that you're both here. Let's talk about taboo

because it is a beautiful sexual wellness kit made for Metopause. And I know you were inspired to create this product after conversation with your mother. So welcome both to the show. Can you just walk me through this conversation? Yeah. Absolutely. It's not a conversation I ever expected having, but it was actually started off by an old friend of mine reaching out to me to tell me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who talked to her mom about men to pause. It was so removed from me, but she was really struck by the sexual health side effects. Things like 90% of women can experience pain or discomfort during sex, so much so that 50%

just stopped being sexually active altogether in their 50s. And these numbers were so big, they really caught me off guard. And I tell people, I truly don't know what came over me, but I hung up the phone and I texted my mom. And I said, hey, do your friends have pain or discomfort during sex? I still have the screenshots of these text messages because it was just like, ha ha's for days. And when we got through all those ha haze, we had a really sobering conversation. You know, she knew exactly what's happening to her body, admitted it wasn't

just physical, but deeply emotional, really affecting how she felt about herself and her relationship with my stepdad. And I was quite stunned, you know, not only did it dawn on me that this was the first sex talk I've ever had with my Middle Eastern mama, like she was bored in Syria. This isn't table talk for us. But I do talk to her at least once a day. And I was troubled by the fact that she had no idea. I had no idea, rather, that something so meaningful was happening.

And you were 30 at the time, right? I was 30. I was 30. This was last year. Last year. Wow. So, okay. What were you feeling when you got that text? Well, you can imagine. I thought, oh, my gosh, she must have either fallen on her head or she's drinking like what kind of text is this?

Like Natalie said, it's not a conversation we've ever had. And the best way I can describe it is, you know, when you hear that song that just says exactly what you're thinking, but you just can't. Like you've never said those words out loud. And it almost like it was a confirmation of so much that I was feeling but never had spoken about, you know. And so she literally just opened the door for me to have those conversations.

Yeah. Well, that's really brave. I love that you as it never talked about sexy for. So never, it never come up. Not once. No, I mean, to be totally transparent, my boyfriend and I moved then together and that was an issue and we're engaged now and Mama Silverton's like we don't see from the same room so we don't talk about sex. But I love about your product is it really is so beautifully designed and it's such a great ease of use. I have it right here. I love that it's warming. It feels good. It makes you feel okay with yourself that you're just going to take some time to get to know your body. Can you talk to me about the process of creating taboo? Because it's, I hadn't seen anything like this in my 15 years.

Oh, how it happened was really that there was that initial text exchange and some phone calls with my mom. And then that quickly precipitated into a focus group that we had at her house with a bunch of girlfriends. Was this big, beautiful room full of women, many of whom were not born in this country, and their first and only sexual partner is their husband of many decades.

And they were of the mind of, I don't care if you're feeding me, I don't talk to my husband about this, I don't talk to my doctor about this, like I'm not gonna talk to you about this. Like I consider these ladies my aunties. And but it was kind of like anything, when you create a safe space

and somebody starts to share, it was as though the floodgates had opened. And it was kind of like anything when you create a safe space and somebody starts to share, it was as though the floodgates had opened. And it's funny how so often we're talking about vaginal dryness, but then we get into what it means to be a woman and what it feels like to be a woman in your post-fertil years, and how brands treat you, how your relationships treat you, and so it was so much bigger than perhaps like the physical manifestations of symptoms. And I remember feeling at that moment that I don't know what nerve we've struck, but there's something really special here and I just have to learn more. So I started talking to anyone and everyone I could get my hands on, but what was really

fascinating on the treatment side were what providers were recommending to women, either in concert with hormones or instead of. And so what I've heard over and over again was the phrase, user elucid. All these providers telling women that regular sexual activity was a way to both treat and prevent many men of puzzle symptoms,

like vaginal dryness, atrophy and continents, low libido, you name it. And that meant that these providers I was talking about were telling women to go out and buy a vibrator Lubricant and kind of think of sex differently think about it is in terms of introducing it into their overall bonus routine And I thought of my mom and I thought of that room of women like my mom still can't say vibrate the word vibrator out loud It's uncomfortable for her so she's just not gonna do that And so that's kind of a challenge and opportunity we saw with Taboo was could we create a brand

and a product experience that really celebrated honored sexual wellness as we age with products and services that feel more akin to what you would expect from like a high-end skincare brand than a sexual wellness company. And we created this sexual wellness kit. And what I think I like most about it is that educational component.

So we just don't give you the tools and then walk away. We give you a detailed guide of why it's important, how it's connected to your health. It's really unique because it's a misogyr. And it warms. Can you talk about the decision to have it warming? Like how did you figure out that this is what we needed because we do? Absolutely. The reason between the warming system was to help simulate blood flow. And that gets harder as we get older. This is half, maybe more than half the population are going to go through this menopause, paramenopause, but it still is really, really taboo, if you will, which is TABU is your product.

But I love that you're just taking all the shame out there. I heard what do you feel about this? In the past, it's been when you go to the doctor and you become at that age, there's that conversation of, well, you're just at that age. This is what happens when we get old, that you just gotta accept this part of aging and to understand that there, no, there's a fix it.

There's a way to go around it. I think that conversation shift is so important. And it will take a lot for people at my age and a little bit older to change mindset on it. But I think it's happening slowly. I love that. What I found with my friends is that eventually it comes, you know, because it's me, so everyone talks to me about everything. I'm the open thing, but really it's like they've tried hormones or they haven't or sex hurts or they have dryness, they have pain, they have low desire. What am I missing? Night sweats, weight gain. And yes, you can contribute to paramanopause or manopause, but I hear from women too in their 20s and 30s who are having pain, they have low desire. And so

having this conversation, I think we need to have it with women of all ages, but it does Definitely change a little bit more intensely in your whenever you start manopause early 40s And it can go on for I love it though like it could go on for 10 years 15 years Yeah, you know, and I think for me also because you feel something's wrong with you, right? Like you weren't you're not performing the way you used to but you're you know You love your your, your spouse, your into it, but your body's not reacting the way it used to. So you feel like there's something wrong with you, and if you don't have the knowledge of why physiologically, this is happening to you, your mind can go elsewhere. You could be like, oh, what, what's wrong with me? Am I having different feelings? And that can be frustrating for your partner also.

So understanding that it is not something wrong with you mentally, it is something wrong with your body. It's just changing and you need to just adjust to it. It's also, I think, like a relationship savior. I also think that you bring up a great point in this idea of low libido. And I think that this is something I've learned in the past couple of years is that our libido is in a constant state of change throughout our lives. Just because we experience a dip in libido at some point in our lives doesn't mean that can't

go back up again. And I think I'm discouraged by girlfriends of mine who are not even in their 30s yet who go see their doctor about low libido and the first thing they prescribe is a shot they take before sex, rather than things like masturbating, to increase libido. And it just seems odd that we would jump to those types of solutions before just using the thing that comes so naturally to our bodies as a way

to help change the way that we're experiencing desire or how we don't couple of desires in our everyday lives. I wanna talk about we're reconnecting to our bodies because maybe we never were really connected. Maybe we never masturbated. Maybe we were in a relationship and we just wait for our partner to initiate. So this is really a tool to help women just reconnect,

even if it's for the first time, and just to kind of explore in a way that feels safe. Yeah. And also honoring the fact that it does feel good and that it's okay for it to feel good, and that there's power and pleasure, right, as well, but staying away from goal-oriented thinking and that every time I use this thing, I must orgasm or something has to happen. It's like, the practice alone is very therapeutic and the more you do it, the more your body is gonna react.

And so we recommend women, you know, introducing this into their routine, use taboo two to three times a week and they just set aside that time and this is their time. And I know hopefully over time you continue to do it for yourself perhaps you introduced your partner sometimes but it's not necessary, but really just being really intentional about that space and that it for yourself, perhaps you introduced your partner sometimes, but it's not necessary. But really just being really intentional

about that space and that time for yourself, I think is really powerful. It's true, it gets into a routine. The other thing we're talking about is desire too, because desire is something that changes throughout your lifetime. Maybe you're on certain medications or the pill or after childbirth.

And again, I hear from women in all ages, who just aren't really in the mood anymore. And that's something that maybe it takes a little bit more effort to get yourself turned on and aroused. But that's okay, you'll get there too. So we're just relying on our mind, like we respond to something to get us turned on. We don't just get head over the headway,

though, I can't wait to have sex with my partner right now. We need to keep sex top of mind, continue to touch ourselves, continue to feed ourselves, continue to feed ourselves with things that make us feel sexy. And so I think that we can't be afraid of doing a little bit more, a little bit extra. And this can turn any age. I think the more you make it a habit of being connected with yourself, the more likely

you're going to carry that through your lifetime. I totally agree. You guys want to help me answer a question as well? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well I thought this would be, especially as far as the research you guys have done, this would be a great one to answer. I thought this was so interesting.

This is from Trish 47 in Illinois. She says, Dr. Amley, when people talk about painful sex during menopause or paramanopause, what does that feel like? Is that stinging burning pain from micro tears and the vulva skin, vagina entrance because the skin gets thinner? Is it more like cramping? Is it only pain during intercourse? No one describes the pain. No one talks about this. I don't really have anyone in my life

I can ask these things to what is the pain and I thought this would be a great one to talk about because I know you've talked to so many women Natalie same with you. I heard you've talked to your friends. Natalie same with you Ahud you've talked to your friends so I want to say yes Trish all of those things. I was gonna say all the above is what I've heard. You know birding itching bleeding we have a lot of women that report that even if you know they try to put any use any type of tool they bleed right away. I mean that's just because their vaginal walls are really thin and they're tearing and a lot of these women that I have spoken to experience this when they're walking around. It doesn't have to be just when they're, you know, in the act or trying to, you know, have

intercourse, it can be when they're just walking down the street because their parts are just so sensitive right now. And I think that that can be a combination of things and it can be extremely painful. I've had women explain that, you know, trying to have inner course feels like knives going into, you know, your vagina, which is not pleasant to even kind of think about. But over time, if you continue to work at that and treat it as a muscle, you can see that start to change.

Absolutely. There's a lot more treatments. There was nothing like taboo before. So I just want to say that everyone be patient. We've got a lot more treatments. There was nothing like taboo before. So I just want to say that everyone be patient. We've got a lot of decisions on our site. Everyone should check out your site. It is Hey taboo, T-A-B-U. I love this. You're such a beautiful product. It's so light and easy to use and easy to manage and easy to stick with it. It's just such a beautiful routine. And thank you for being here. Thank you so much.. This is such a pleasure and you are absolutely wonderful.

Well thank you so much for having us and opening up this forum to just kind of share with you. Yeah it's such a pleasure. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Thanks so much Emily. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too.

Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've been deep into topics like, How do I have multiple orgasms? How do I less longer and bad? How do I stop thinking about my ex?

What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.