Sex With Emily - Want Better Sex? Stop Believing This Myth

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

What’s a common stereotype you’ve heard about sex? Maybe it’s that “guys just want one thing” or that “once you have kids, say goodbye to your sex life.” But not only are these stereotypes tiresome on a societal level, they actually hurt your sex life. Why? Because if you buy them, they limit your pleasure potential. So on today’s show, I reveal the top 3 sexual stereotypes penis owners and vulva owners told me they were tired of, and the new truths that are going to empower you in bed. I also give you quick communication hacks to help you get curious with any partner, whether they’re long-term or brand new, so that you can have the sex you actually want. Show Notes:How to Use a Vibe With a PartnerHigh Pleasure: A Guide to Cannabis & SexPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)Morgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (code EMILY for 15% OFF sitewide)Penuma.com/PodcastArticle: 3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Vulva OwnersArticle: 3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Penis Owners Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture and honestly like I in the past I believe many of these things. I was like he doesn't want sex must be my fault or why isn't he showing through his pants and all the things like these are just really harmful so I want you all to check this and say like not like just nod and be like okay yeah but really take it in. How are you believing these stereotypes and how is it impacting your relationship right now? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So what's a common stereotype you've heard about sex? Maybe it's that God has just one thing or that once you have kids say goodbye to your sex life But not only of those stereotypes tiresome on societal level they actually hurt your sex life Why? Well because if you buy into them they basically limit your pleasure potential So on today's show I revealed the top three sexual stereotypes penis owners and vulva owners told me they were tired of, and the new truths that are going to empower you in bed. I also give you quick communication hacks to help you get curious with any partner, whether

they're long term or brand new, so that you can have the sex you actually want. Intentions with Emily for each episode I just want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to undo some of the misleading things you've been told about sex over the years which are straight up defeating. By the end of this episode I think you'll feel more optimistic about sex in general and excited to discover what your pleasure potential actually is. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article How to Use a Vib with a Partner is up at sex with Emily dot com. Plus get ready all, tears the season

and we have a brand new 420 gift guide on our website right now. Check it out, what's hot, just go to sexthemely dot com must be 21 or over. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. By the way, I'm love and TikTok. You finally have launched it, so please check it out and you can also send me questions there. Or leave me your questions and message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. And however you ask me the question, just make sure you include your name, your age, where

you live and how you listen to the show. And I'm totally cool if you want to change your name or choose your main anonymous. It's all good. But before we get into today's show, I've got to tell you about something very exciting. Probably the most exciting thing I've had to share in a while, and that is I'm coming out with a book. It's called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure.

It's going to be in your hands on June 13th. It's all about pillars of sexual intelligence and how to become smarter and bad and get rid of all that shame and that judgment and that fear. Pre-order the book right now at sexbelome.com. So appreciate you willing to pre-order it. Especially if you've been listening to the show

and you know that you wanna buy the book when you pre-order it. There's a few things. First, it's gonna make sure that more people are going to get to hear about it, going to read about it, and it might just get on the New York Times bestseller list, which is a dream. I would love your help with that. So, just go to the drop down menu at sexandonly.com, select new book,

or you can click on the link in the show notes. You can also pre-order the audiobook. I got you, not everyone wants to read these days, or ever. There's an audiobook and that's there for you too. And when you pre-order, you are automatically entered to win a smart sex prize pack from me in HarperCollins, my publisher. This is an incredible gift basket. It includes a Rosen-Sitters candle, satin blindfolds, a Christian Sariano du Vaisette, Uber Loop, Silicon Bayes Loop, RSX Game Board Game, a G-Spot vibrator from Omaibod. All you gotta do, click the link in the show notes for more information on the Smart

Sex Prize Pack. Plus, here's the other thing when you preorder, you automatically get my new and improved, yes, no, maybe guide. Which we talked about in last week's episode. Also final thing you can request, Smart Sex in your libraries or pre-order from indie bookstores. I'm going on a book tour and if you want me to speak in your town, I will. So email me feedback at sexlet only.com and just stay tuned for where I will be speaking in June and I can't wait to see you all on the road. this episode.

What's a common stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex? Maybe it's, oh, guys always want it more than women, or once you get menopause ladies, it's game over for your sex life. Say goodbye. But here's the thing about stereotypes. Once you start challenging them and digging beneath the surface and seeing like, is this actually true? Your sex life gets way better. Because even though these are big societal cliches, we all hear them and take them in. And that creates a lot of defeating assumptions around sex.

And by the way, this limits your pleasure. We believe them to be true and it's going to hurt us in the bedroom. So on today's show I'm going to debunk common stereotypes for Volvo owners and penis owners. So you can know what's what and have better, hotter sex. So what I'm going to do is reveal the top three stereotypes of Volvo owners that they want to challenge. We go to the top three stereotypes, blah blah owners so they want a challenge, we have the top three stereotypes, penis owners want a challenge, and give you communication hacks and other tools to increase your pleasure and start connecting

on a deeper level. And I'm also taking some calls about some stereotypes at the end of this episode. And fun fact, you all really help with this show. I put out two polls on Twitter asking you the stereotypes that you're tired of, and I love the conversation. So let's get into it. These are the top sexual stereotypes for

above owners. That we don't enjoy sex and have low sex drives. The truth is, above owners want sex and can even have higher sex drives than their partners. Specifically their partners with APNES and I'm going to be really honest with you all. When I first started as a sex educator, I literally will never forget the day I learned this wasn't true. It was pretty early on, and I was blown away. The above owners could actually have higher sex drives than penis owners. I believe that trope that women are faggied were never in the mood for sex and men have

to get their fix, and we don't really like sex to the point where I actually Believed it. I actually believe this was true and I was so like you know sure this really isn't too like You know to be like when you trail to me like holy there's another way But not only did I learn it I sort of come up with conversations with friends soon after once I told them what I was doing and what I was studying And sure enough I came to find out I had so many female friends that were like, yeah I want sex way more than my partner. He'd never want sex that I just found out, wow, Natalie's is true. I started to wonder not to create another stereotype, but do well voters actually want more sex and penis owners? No, that's not true, either. It's not even split in any way that I

can talk about, but what I'm telling you is that we all want sex at different times, at different frequencies, no way can you pin heightened sexual desire on one gender. The other problem with this stereotype, though, that women at low sex drives, is that when a lot of these friends I talk to and listeners, when you get rejected, I'm talking about a heterosexual couple here, but when you get rejected by a male partner for wanting sex all the time,

because of the stereotype, it allows us to feel like we are not desirable or not sexy. There's something wrong with us. When we believe the stereotype, we think, well, men are made for sex. So if he's rejecting me, there's something seriously wrong with me. And I can't tell you how damaging this is. And again, I haven't heard this as much from penis owners that when their female partner doesn't want sex, it hurts in the same way. So let's just to bunk this myth together. And let me tell you this, my dear friend Dr. Wednesday Martin has an amazing book that y'all should read called Untrue. An untrue offers updated science, science people, science, on female sexuality.

And what if her main point is about monogamy? And how it's definitely a tighter shoe for women in the long run than men? Like women struggle with monogamy in ways that aren't often documented or that we hear about. And I'm not saying that every vulva odor wants to be non-monogamous at all, but what I am saying and what Wednesday says in her book

is that novelty is a big deal for female sexuality. It really is, like we want variety, we want different locations and positions and sometimes we want you to top dirty and sometimes we want to dress up, we want you to dress up like we want to mix it up. It's not that we're naturally less sexual at all. It's just we want some novelty, we want some variety, we want some spot in 80.

The latest research does show that in long term, when I have misrelationships, a women's sex drive tends to taper in years one to four. So bottom line, being sexually bored, not the same thing is being less sexual. Love of owners are just as sexual as penis owners, but they might need just some more novelty and variety to keep their drive high. And variety doesn't necessarily mean other partners. The last thing I want you to go away with and say, God,

everyone wants other, all the Lovato owners want other partners. No, I'm just saying you can get variety in a lot of different ways. And you know, a lot of things I talk about in the show. If you listen, you realize you're going to our website, you know, a lot of things I talk about in the show if you listen, you realize you're going to our website, you know that novelty doesn't have to mean a whole revamp of your sex life. It could literally mean, I got a new loop. We had sex in the living room instead of the bedroom. We talked about our sex life today.

That could be the variety I'm talking about. But you might be surprised to learn that many people have sex in the same way, the same time, in the same location, in the same position, doing the same old thing with the same person every single day for their entire relationship. And then they wonder why they no longer are excited for sex. So let's mix it up. Alright, the second stereotype about love owners, they all want the same thing in bed.

You know what the truth is? We all have unique sexual desires. We're all like snowflakes. And there is this long standing, do this and make her come mentality. Like pick up artist style assumption. Like if you do this thing with your finger, if you say this thing, she's gonna want more. thing with your finger. If you say this thing, she's going to want more. If you master this one move, she's going to freak out in bed and crown you her king. That's not of that is true. And by the way, this is a reminder to anybody with a vulva owner, just because your last partner wants something in bed, doesn't mean it's going to work for your current partner. You know, when you went down in your last vulva, maybe she wanted fingers, and a mouth, and different movements, and then you were the new partner, and you knew the same thing with the finger

and the mouth. And she's like, what the hell are you doing? So this means that we have to pay attention. Every time you're with a new partner, you've got to pay attention, you've got to ask questions, you've got to ask what do they want in bed, because there's no way you're going to learn from past partner. And porn might make you think that every vulva owner wants anal, anal without loob, oh, that drives me crazy.

Why do they show anal without loob? In porn. But anyway, it might make you think that they want anal, that they want a squirt, that they want you to choke them. And if you just master these moves, you are golden with every woman forever. Not the case at all. We do not want the same things in bed.

So instead of making an assumption, why not just ask, so what are you into? What's something you'd like to try and bet? Remember, communication is lubrication. And no, I've got a ton of communication tools on my website. In fact, this show could just be called communication with Emily, because yeah, I've got lots of sex tips, but we really also need to communicate. So if you go to sexwithonly.com slash guides, I give you tools to help you know yourself sexually,

know your partner, get ideas for new things to try, and ask a partner like what new activities do they want to explore, including our new and improved yes, no, maybe less. You can get this new list as a bonus for pre-ordering my new book, Smart Sex. That links also in the show notes. If you check out last week's episode,

it's gonna break down how to use the yes, no, maybe guide to get the variety that you're looking for and to find out other ways to please a Volvo and a penis. Okay, the third stereotype we hear about Volvo owners, why don't you hit menopause? Sex won't be as good. Here's truth. Ton of all the owners say that sex gets better the older they get.

Can we just let go of this idea that a woman being past her prime and, you know, she just no longer is sexually viable or can have sex like that's just all untrue. Remember being fertile is not the same thing as being sexual. You might not be able to have babies when she hit menopause, but it doesn't mean you don't want to sex. What's happening during menopause is that there are hormones.

Our hormones are changing. We have ever changed your hormones that are going to impact our ability to feel sexual and to experience pleasure in the same way. But it's all treatable. For example, here's some common menopausal symptoms and how to treat them. I can't talk about menopausal enough these days.

I'm just saying, no, we talked about it. It was like whisperers. It was like it doesn't happen. My mom never mentioned it. But now what I love is that we're having so many conversations about it. So any chance I get, I really want to give you the right information because I know there's just been this derth of information for so long.

So even if you're not in menopause, you will be. You're evolved. You're going to get there. Maybe your mom or your aunt or your sister, your neighbor needs this information, so just listen up. You might have vaginal dryness, especially if you're going through menopause, but side note, you might have it anyway. From other medications, your honor, birth control pills, and all the things.

But let's talk about manopause, specifically, use lube. Use lube all the time. I'm loving orgasm lube right now, and so are you. You're all loving orgasm. It's a CBD arousal lubricant that's 100% hypothergetic. Oil-free. It also helps with dryness and pain, because it also has CBD in it. And that can really help with the discomfort and pain that many vulva owners feel.

Get 15% off more gasm loop if you want to get some, use the code Emily. That's m-o-r-g-a-s-m.com slash sex with Emily. Use code Emily to get 15% off site-wide. Another common metaposal symptom is the thinning of your vaginal tissues, which means you might have pain, you might have more UTIs, you know, sex resistance pleasurable. This is all due to low estrogen. And contrary to popular belief that last 20 years, estrogen therapy is very, very helpful for treating these symptoms.

And the reason why we didn't talk about for 20 years, is because there was a lot of misinformation that hormone replacement therapy was gonna cause breast cancer or cancer. And we are finding now that none of that was true, and that for many, many, many years before that, women were using estrogen therapy to help them with all of these things,

specifically the pain, UTIs, it just helped strengthen your vaginal walls. So huge fan of estrogen and hormone therapy. Another thing I want to remind you is that if you are having lower desire during or you're having just your not in the mood for sex, I just want to remind you this goes for everyone truly, but masturbation, masturbate, remember that sex begets sex. So if you haven't been having any sex with anyone else and you have been having sex with yourself, well, of course you're not in the mood. The more you do it, the more you remember why you

have it. Organisms are good for you. They boost your mood, they help with blood flow, and masturbation also works your pelvic floor and keeps the blood flowing to your channels. And I just want to remind you that there are hormone-free supplements as well that you can take with sex supportive ingredients. There's just a lot of solutions, and I'm gonna continue to talk about this with you as the months in years go on. All right, don't go away, because after the break,

I'm revealing the sexual stereotypes that penis owners are tired of hearing. Let's get into it. The top sexual stereotypes for penis owners. Ready? They're tired of hearing that they only care about the sex and they don't care about feelings. That relate. Well, here's the truth. Penis owners need emotional connection just as much as blah blah owners.

Can I hear it for emotional intelligence? Can I hear it for giving penis owners the right to have feelings and emotions? Let's just give it to this one once and for all. I heard this one so much on the Twitter thread. Ton of men told me the thing they hated most was being seen as a horny caveman who didn't care about the cuddles. I literally heard this. You know, they don't care about emotional connection

and there's like, oh, give me my woman. I'm just gonna hop over and then leave her on the side. No! This is true! And even in casual sex settings, it's a myth to think that penis owners are simply using you. Yeah, maybe there are some, but I'm telling you, there's vulva owners who might be using

you too, so let's not cast stones in any directions, okay? The reason this stereotype is so damaging because it's an extension of that boys will be boys idea. Oh man, it's gotta have their fix. It's just so outdated and so harmful. Penis owners are multi-dimensional and everyone's pleasure potential can get so much better once we stop viewing their sexuality as this purely surface level thing. Like they'll just stick it in anything, you know, that whole American pie, whatever.

Not true. Does everyone know American pie reference of like fucking the pie? Alright, cool. Okay. Number two, stereotype. Men don't have body image issues. Truth, they do. At least some men do. I don't think it's been as commonplace for men to feel safe saying, I don't feel great on my body. So it is incorrect to assume that body image issues are only a female thing. Many penis owners think

their bodies have to look a certain way. They have to be a certain height or a certain way. We believe in they do these concerns. And a lot of penis owners told me that the stereotype that hurt the most was this idea that they were supposed to have bulging penises all the time, ready to go, even when they were flaccid. Like, you have to be a show or not a grower, and by the way, most men are growers, okay? So this whole like, God, look at the bolder in their pants and it should be a thing like, this is so harmful. Can you imagine like again, I would

have a moment for all the penis zones out there like it is not easy. These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture. And honestly like I in the past, I believe many of these things. I was like, he doesn't want sex must be my father. Why isn't he showing through his pants and all the things? Like, these are just really harmful. So I want you all to check this and say, like, not like just nod and be like, okay, yeah, but really take it in.

How are you believing these stereotypes and how is it impacting your relationship right now? Now, listen, in my book, Smart Sex, I have a whole section on self acceptance and exercises designed to help you see yourself in a much more positive light. I'll tell you a few of those here. First, learning to accept your body.

Stand in the mirror, naked, and state that things you are grateful for. What do you actually like about your body? It could just be like, I love that I have strong legs that allow me to walk from point A to B. Or I love my cheekbones, I love my lips, I love my hair. We all have things to be great before and even in times of great distress and feeling bad about ourselves, which I'm going to say we all have these challenges from time to time. I don't think anyone gets away from this. If you actually or somebody goes to life and loves everything about you and you have none

of these challenges, Just eat mommy. I just want to talk to you. I want to do a whole episode with you. I want to hear how you literally love every part of your body, every piece of hair, every thing, every muscle, every bone, everything. I just want to know you.

I want to be fine with you. I want to hang out with you. But anyway, we can all find things that we appreciate. Like the fact that I'm just sitting here and I can sit, sit up straight and I'm not lying down right now that I could talk and use my vocal cords and the way that you are able to communicate I am just super grateful So it really helps to find those things in yourself that you are grateful for especially when you are on a whole

Body hating or body not loving place. I just ask that we can get to a place that even body neutrality being neutral about your body. It's a great place to start. Now I also know there are penis owners who would like to change the appearance of their penis. They might be interested in something like the penuma implant, which I just want to get the word out that there is an option. Because when I first heard that there was actually an implant for the penis, I was like, nope,

I can't talk about that because I don't know what's going to be. If it's work, if it's going to harm it, you know, it's like, wait, but I would never tell someone who wants to change their breast size not to do it. And so there is now an implant. And you can listen to the episode with you with Dr. Cartman. He's a board certified urologist trained to insert the penuma implant. And he explained that self-confidence and body image is the primary reason why penis owners have the surgery. Find more about this at penuma.com.

slash podcast or just click the link in the show notes. Again, you know me, I just want to give you all the information possible for whatever you're dealing with right now, whatever any questions you have. And then you can decide whether this works for you or not. Because the truth is, I know I just talked about being grateful for every part of your body, but we all have things. And so if this is one of your things and you wanted to something about it, do you have fields, then check it out. Bottom line is, penis owners enjoy praise and compliments

and hearing that you desire them and what you love about them. That took me a while to learn too because I'm someone who loves praising compliments but I was like, well, he's confident. He's got it. He doesn't want to hear it. And in fact, penis owners have to learn to receive compliments too because I think that we, I think that, I don't know, maybe it's a little bit easy for both owners, but I

know you guys need it. I know you do. We want it and it's okay. I want to give you permission. If you have a penis to ask for what you need and praise wise. And I also want to remind you if you're with a penis owner, they need it too. And who does it need a compliment? In fact, I'd love you to give compliments to your partner tonight. I really, anyone, could be your friend, your partner, like when was the time you gave a genuine compliment to somebody?

And the side note is be specific in your compliments. Rather than you look hot, you could say like, I really love the way that shirt looks on your sexy body. That color looks great and really brings out your sparkly eyes. So get specific compliments really even mean that much more when you can tailor it to the person you're talking to. The last stereotype we're going to retire for penis owners is prostate play is gay. Here's the truth. A gland is a gland. And your prostate does not care what's touching it or who is touching it.

If it feels good, that's amazing. And let me tell you what, penis owners have a prostate. Love owners do not have a prostate, and it feels amazing when touched. Both men and women share this assumption. They share this assumption that if you want your prostate played with, which is just really sitting there waiting to be touched,

because it feels so good, it means that you're queer. And I hear it from you, you're saying, does it mean that my partner is gay? You know, I saw him watching porn or he asked me to Penetrate him or he asked me to use my fingers like easy game. So worried I'm gonna remind you here There was a lot that goes into your sexuality and orientation and one sex act does not dictate that at all It just means that you're highly educated around sex and pleasure which I love

So back to the prostate It is a way for penis owners to have internal orgasms, much like vulva owners and g-spot orgasms. So if you're interested, in addition to last week's episode of Ain't No Play, you should check out both the recent podcast episode and article I did on pegging. Both the episode and the article walk you through prostate play and how to do it through Pegging which is using a sex toy or a dildo to penetrate a penis owner and simulate their prostate and PS I haven't made this clear prostate orgasms feel Incredible. All right, so what can we do to move on from these stereotypes and have better sex?

So maybe you're listening and you're thinking You know, I have heard some of these stereotypes before and assume they were true because why wouldn't I? This is whatever my whole life. I don't blame you. That's why I was so excited this episode. And that's why I'm so grateful that you all chimed in and let me know that yeah, these are the stereotypes you're tired of too. But what leads to a better sex life is curiosity. Being non-judgmental, being open, having difficult conversations or awkward conversations

about sex. Because when we get curious, instead of assuming, we open up so much more potential for pleasure. I can't but how do we do it? How do we express our curiosity? Oh, by learning to be a great communicator, which by the way, you might talk a lot and you might feel like you're a great communicator, but you're probably not. It's a learn scale. You have to learn to be a communicator. No one taught you to be a communicator. Maybe you great parents who modeled this or great, you've taken some classes on it, but honestly, there's so many layers to be able to back to be a great communicator. And on my website, you will find tools to help you have these conversations with the partner and understand yourself more deeply. Because once we start to understand ourselves, it's all a process, but you'll learn how to be a better communicator. And again, my new and approved yes to maybe list that comes with priority of my book, which I mentioned earlier, I also have the three T's as a communication guide for helping you have better conversations about sex,

especially the ones that you're really nervous to talk about. And also in my book Smart Sex, there are so many great communication tools. All right, everyone, so remember, have conversations do the work. When I say the work, talk to your partner about things, get into therapy, deal with childhood trauma,

deal with that age drama, but learn how to be a great communicator. Set up weekly conversations with your partner where you talk about things that are difficult, because if you're not talking about your sex life, I'm going to go on a limb there and say your sex life isn't the best it can be. So let's talk, let's lose the stereotypes, and let's find some time to communicate an open, healthy, inclusive way. That's what I'm all about. And that's what I hope you're going to be about too.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739.

Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemle.com