Sex With Emily - We Have Sex Every 48 Hours (Here's Why)

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Starting point is 00:01:01 Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to BBVibs.com slash Emily. That's B-B-V-I-B-E-S dot com slash Emily. I always tell people it's so important to schedule sex or to plan for sex. But it's not sexy. That isn't sexy. That's not sexy. it's sexier than the alternative.

Starting point is 00:01:26 And the alternative is one partner wants it on every night. Tuesday, we have Tuesday. Then you're directed them on Tuesday. Can we have it Wednesday? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. And I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's episode, I sit down with a legend.

Starting point is 00:01:45 Volleyball Pro and podcast host Gabby Reese gets into all the details on her sex rules to keep her man happy, how she can play farmer or farmer. flower in her marriage. You're really going to like this little analysis here and probably find yourself in that equation. And she shares what her biggest turn on is. So stay tuned. Please rate reviews, sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show, it's so easy to rate the podcast. You can do it right now. It takes two seconds and it helps get the show out to more people. We appreciate you when you do that and we read all your reviews. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Starting point is 00:02:21 All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I'm so excited for today's episode. We've been really wanting volleyball pro Gabby Reese on the show. She's host of the podcast, The Gabby Reese Show. We've been wanting her on, and here the day has come. This is a woman who is a role model to so many people. She's not only a pro athlete, but a mom, wife to surf star Laird Hamilton, and an entrepreneur who owns and helps run Laird's.

Starting point is 00:02:54 Superfoods and XPT. But above all else, she embodies the Aloha spirit in everything she does, sprinkling her desire to make a healthy lifestyle accessible to all. I've been deep diving into the whole robust world of Gabby Reese. And I feel like there are a lot of parallels for us as women who have pivoted a lot in our careers. We're entrepreneurs. And I have so many questions for you. But first, I was listening to your podcast. And you talked about bringing more play into your life. And I'm trying to do the same thing. So trying to be more play and more pleasure into my life. And so I was just wondering how that's been going for you.

Starting point is 00:03:29 I think because I even just brought awareness to this, the spirit in which I've been doing things is also for me, the way I do it, a little bit lighter, a little more playful. And I admit I've done better and not in certain ways. But like, for example, my family, they love to play pickleball. And usually they have enough without me. But instead, now I've inserted myself just to do it because. And it could be sort of at a time I should be at my desk in my mind. So I have been a little bit better about taking that time out.

Starting point is 00:04:03 And then it's so funny. My husband's very good at play. I'll give me an example. He said, well, you want to sit outside with me to eat the food? And it was like 1 o'clock. I can get a lot done at 1 o'clock. And I was sitting outside. And I go, oh, it's so nice out here.

Starting point is 00:04:14 Like the birds are chirping. And he just kind of looks at me like, duh, you know. And even going to play pickleball for an hour. What's an hour? I know. It's so hard, though, to take time. Well, it's for a few reasons. It's one, I'm hiding in my work.

Starting point is 00:04:30 I do. I hide in lists and checklists and being productive because unstructured play is maybe something that, again, it's an element of false control where when we play, we just are. And I, like everyone, even though I've taken very deep, looks at myself, sometimes it's easier just to be in the structure. And it's an escape. It's a form of like, I don't do it in alcohol. I do it in training and in the schedule. Right. So what is the hiding then? You think hiding from, hiding from being free? From deep thoughts. From whatever occurs to me. And it's interesting because simultaneously I have a everyday unstructured check-in

Starting point is 00:05:15 with myself. It just will happen throughout the day, whether it's in the shower or just in a quiet drive. I will sort of really check in and go, how are things going? How do I feel? How are my relationship? I have an ability to look at myself, but there's something about just being that I think I avoid often like everyone. And so for me, the being comes in the in the play. Yeah, that totally make sense. It's like we we have so much in our lives. I think this is similar to what you're saying and how I feel. It's like we do all these things, productivity, you've got to get things done. We have the checklist. And then I always thought, well, maybe after I get it all done, then I can play. Then I deserve the pleasure. But what I realize is I try to reverse

Starting point is 00:06:05 engineer it because I realize like when I have more pleasure, when I do think more things for myself, I actually do feel better. But it still is a struggle in the same way where I have all these friends who like want to go for walks in the middle day or get lunch i'm like i don't do that like it's hard to get away but then whenever i do it i'm so grateful that i did so it's the whole mentality of i know intellectually that when i do play or i take those breaks i come back so energized and feel so much better but i think in my work too i've always been a little bit of workaholic working a lot and so i'm trying to to you know and maybe it's both right it's honoring and this is harsh who's asking you to go on the walk you know if no meaning sometimes it's like it's going to serve

Starting point is 00:06:49 me better to be at work depending on the person yeah and so there's a part where you do live your life long enough to go i'm going to give up that time for relationships that are have a sacredness or you know there's um they we feed one another um and granted like if somebody calls you and you know they're going through it, you just say, yeah. Yeah, you say yes to your good girlfriend. Yeah. I feel like I've gotten to the point where I don't have a lot of those that the should friends anymore.

Starting point is 00:07:18 Yeah. Like I had a party a few years ago and I was like, I don't want any shoulds here. Like anyone like I should invite. So I really think it also is I've gotten older, this is one thing. Like I can't take drama or people that are not consistent or that, you know, you leave them. You feel like a great check for people is, do you see somebody and you feel drained? Have they drained the life out of you?

Starting point is 00:07:35 Or do you feel like your energy is restored? And so those are the only people, I think. that would ask me for a walk these days. Yeah. But I know what you're saying. The other part is for me, too, is I like to wrap my day up as early as I can. So I can either do the things I want or be with my family. So some of it is I'm powering through to sort of say, hey, could I open up the end of my day

Starting point is 00:07:52 when their days are ending and be with them? So there's part of that too. I have friends that will call me lunch on a Wednesday and I'm like, who's lunch on a Wednesday? Yeah, exactly. Who's lunch ever? I get it. But they might be smarter than me. This is when I'm, that's why I'm asking you, I'm trying to figure out.

Starting point is 00:08:05 But the days, so now I'm trying to do like morning walks or morning, whatever, because then I want to see people because then I don't leave my house because I work at home. Do you work at home too, right? I do. Yeah. So then I'm like, oh, I haven't left my house. I haven't driven my car. So I'm trying to get out.

Starting point is 00:08:16 But it sounds like you, you're aware of it. But it was interesting. So even in your relationship, I have questions about that too. So you've been with Laird, your husband, professional surfer, Laird Hamilton, and people know Laird and Gabby for almost 30 years. Yeah. We've been together at the end of this year, 28 years. 20 years.

Starting point is 00:08:34 That's amazing in itself. And so I'm wondering, 28 years together, and I know my audience would love to hear this too, if you had to think of just maybe three or whatever comes to mind, like actionable tips that you think have really worked for you guys to make it strong. Do you have practices, do you have ways that you relate that are your go-to things that have people helped you? So I'll preface this by saying, you know, there's sort of things that are out of your control, like the fact that I met Laird 25 years old and was uncontrollably drawn to him like a magnet.

Starting point is 00:09:05 it and everything on paper was not good. We didn't live in the same place. Laird was not in a great marriage. He had a four-month-old daughter. My oldest daughter was four months old. There was a lot of things. And I'm a pretty practical person that were, it's like, no go. There was an internal draw to Laird that, you know, it's good, is it good luck?

Starting point is 00:09:26 Is it Kism? I don't know. So there's a lot of that part that I would say, I'm not smart enough to have chosen that dynamic. I was drawn to Laird and I felt that same thing from Laird and I really deeply trusted that. So in the choice, in the pick, we were really fortunate. So let's just start there. Not that smart. Then I pick somebody who, you know, Laird and I have the similar values, but very different ways of going about living. Okay. So within that is some balancing that has really helped both of us.

Starting point is 00:10:06 Okay. The other system that's in place that really was initiated by Laird and now shows up as really valuable is I call it clear the decks. Laird's not a guy to let things go, you know, under the carpet every day. A look, a word, a tone of voice, he's on it right away. Like, what is that? What's up with that? Oh, he's like reading your expressions, like the way you said that and the way you're doing things.

Starting point is 00:10:31 He just will, we clear the decks every day. So you don't have years or weeks or months of things stacking up where all of a sudden you find yourself at this location and you don't know how you got there, but you don't know how to find your way back. So I give him a lot of credit for, he's confrontational. And it taught me to be confrontational. I wasn't. I take the stoic route, which can get you into a lot of trouble in a relationship.

Starting point is 00:10:55 It did. We were almost divorced in 2000. I had a years of, just a few, five years of being stoic. of being with Laird, and then one day I was like, oh, I'm out, because I had built up... Over all the years, you have to be tough, everything you've gone through. Maybe your upbringing. Yeah, well, it just what seemed, you know, coming from sports or whatever my thing was, that was my go-to. And I still believe in a lot of stoicism and a stoic philosophy, but within relationships, saying how you feel being vulnerable, asking for what you want and need. It's so uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:11:28 You know, you talk about this probably all of the time, especially. when you talk about sex. What I want is, why is that so hard? Even like a little to the left or a little faster. It's like, so all of that is like, oh, it's so uncomfortable. There's so much shame in it. We just are, yeah, it's so fraught with, with confusion and stress and anxiety. Yeah, I mean, mostly what I, if I just say after 20 years, like I would say mostly I'm a communication, I help people communicate what they want in bed. But it always starts with, I don't even know what I want. And then, then you get to the path of figuring out what you want and then learning, to ask for it? Yeah. What if I'm rejected? What if I'm judged? What if I'm, you know.

Starting point is 00:12:05 Well, it's vulnerability, too. It's, and Laird, the thing about Laird is Laird is very courageous and his willingness to be vulnerable. So when we almost were divorced, I will say the other thing is I vowed to be different, even if it was super uncomfortable. And it was not a sex thing. It was a vulnerability, but it goes, you know, that thread goes throughout. So it was willing to just put it on the table. Okay. So the stoicism, you would define that just as being less communicative, more shut down, more. Well, and also like, oh, I'm not going to let that bother me. And so, which that's great. There's a time for that. And then there's a time not for that because it's a buildup. So I would say a pick. I would say there's a pretty clear communication in my house. There is a

Starting point is 00:12:49 natural attraction. I think Laird and I are drawn to one another. I think we really, I've likened it to this. I've gone places, let's say I'm at a grocery store or something, and I unexpectedly Laird runs an errand and he's there and I don't know I'm going to see him. And when I come around the corner, I see him, I'm so happy to see him. Like I see him and I go, oh, so I think we have this. And who's that handsome? Oh, it's my husband. I just, I'm like, oh, there he is, you know. So I think we are fortunate that we have that pretty natural chemistry. Yeah. We have chemistry. That doesn't, that's not. And it's as human beings. It's not, just a physical chemistry. It's just like, oh, that person. And I have friends like that. I have

Starting point is 00:13:32 girlfriends where I have just chemistry. Yeah, you just love them. Yeah. Seeing them, it's the best. I know. So I have that. It doesn't happen. It happens with some friends, I think, and some lovers, but not with everybody. So that's why when you have it, you're like, oh, oh, this is it. And it's, and when it can go beyond the initial six months, 18 months of chemical attraction, but it's genuine deep chemistry that's probably built in love and respect because Laird has shown up a lot. And so for me, maybe that's built upon the chemistry. So we have that.

Starting point is 00:14:05 And then finally, I would just say maybe independently of one another, each of us is making ourselves happy. I don't know that Laird is looking to me and saying, like, you need to make me happy. And I certainly am not expecting that of Laird. And so maybe that joint belief and then bringing that in to the relationship helps you endure certain times. And also, for example, maybe Laird is crushing it and work and it's more quiet for me, like when our children were young. You know, you can go through those things and you're not competitors, you're each other's cheerleaders because you go, hey, listen, it's on me to navigate, you know, my own kind of sort of wants and needs and dreams and things that turn me on and excite me. it's it's not on you and actually i'll add one more i do believe both of us is there with the attitude

Starting point is 00:14:56 of making the other person's life easier and better that's just what it what a great attitude to have to be like how can i how can i really help elevate you i mean the other thing just to circle back one of your points which i just love is it sounds like you have this very direct way the two of you together of a direct way of not letting things sit because resentments the opposite of that is resentments and unspoken expectations are the biggest killers of people's relationships and sex lives and all of it. So I love that he just looks at you or sees your look and he's like, what that mean? So that's just such a great thing to learn from. But this also leads me to my next question. You referred to your roles in your relationship as sometimes you're the

Starting point is 00:15:35 flower and he's the farmer and vice versa. Like tell us what that means. It's not a sexual thing, right? No. I heard you talk about this. No, I think it's really, and you know, we have weird we're weirder jobs. But like sometimes we go to events and they're all about Laird. And so I'm the farmer and he's the flower. Or maybe the docket of work, he's got momentum and I'm there to support and do details and say, okay, you know, here's three o'clock and, you know, here's ideas. And then sometimes, hey, it's like, I'm shooting or I have things and he's like, yeah, I'll pick up a kid or I'll see you at home or, you know, whatever that is. And he takes the role of the farmer. So it's allowing each person the space sometimes Just, and when I say just to be the flower, that has its own set of things that are challenging, but to make them feel good about being the flower.

Starting point is 00:16:25 I think what would be tricky for certain dynamics is when you never get to be the flower. Exactly. So it's always about you. I've heard that relationship. And a person could, maybe that person, the you, the flower, is bringing home all the money and doing all the thing. But then you go to parties together and people don't include the farmer because I'm not going to assume it's a husband or a wife. In the conversation, it always is about the flower and people want to get to the flower. And so I could see where that puts a stress on a relationship, because if you're sensitive

Starting point is 00:16:53 to your partner, all of a sudden are you like, are you okay? So now you have this moment that you get to be the flower, but it also is putting a pressure on you because you're well aware about your partner and people don't maybe pay them the respect or energy that they deserve. And so I could see where that gets uncomfortable. Right. Especially if it's not spoken agreement. So again, it can be a resentment. Like you're always the flower, but it sounds like you guys have figured out the way to navigate that. So it's also like if I want something, then that's on me to figure out, then why isn't it the way I want it? And what am I

Starting point is 00:17:30 willing to work at to do? But the other part of that is I wouldn't do anything at the cost of my family and actually at least in a certain way my relationship. Those really showed up to me very early in my life to be important. My relationship first, because that's sort of this foundation for the house. Well, actually, technically me first. Let's not play games. It's me first. It's my, it's my, I train in the morning. I don't, I'm a brute about taking care of myself. And then I do, it's my relationship and then my children. And I've always approached it that way. And of course, the kids are first because they're kids. But certainly it's this attitude of, um, tending to the gardens, the me garden, the us garden and then the kids because the kids will get attention and energy no matter what they're

Starting point is 00:18:18 going to but you're saying like you do the things that you need to do to be the best supporter mother wife yeah and it felt more important for me personally this and everybody's so different and i totally honor that but i thought in my life i i thought oh no this chance at this relationship and this time with these kids i don't know that being a little more successful is going to be more important for me. Now, having said that, there's other people where, hey, it's like I get this chance to be the CEO and this is my window and I got to do it. I totally get it. I think I have a little more freedom and I have a weird career. And I just knew more wasn't going to make me feel better. Well, it's funny. Most people, at the end of the day, the people who are

Starting point is 00:19:05 striving, usually more isn't going to make us better anyway. You know what I'm seeing? We think it is. We always need more money, more things, more careers, more climb the ladder. But at the end of the day, it's about love, family connection. At least for me. And I, and again, I know a lot of people who've done it a lot of ways, but I had already been a professional athlete for several years before I met Laird and had some, you know, whatever the attention is. I remember in high school, reading magazines, seeing, I just, I can remember this

Starting point is 00:19:31 so clear and I can remember the name of them. What was the, was it, was a teen magazine? It's not around anymore. Oh, my gosh. I remember seeing you. I used to get a subscription. I go to my dad's house. because parents were separated, I'd go there, and the subscription to the magazine was there every

Starting point is 00:19:42 week. And I just remember you were on every magazine cover for so many years. It was just, it's just a chess, right? Yeah, it's just a chess board, right? You do those things because they give you attention, which gives you more options and opportunity. And I knew that very young. But I also knew it was totally silly. And also, you were also just not just beautiful, but also an athlete. I mean, I played at college, and then at Nike, I got a shoe. And so what, so it's called good timing. But you realize, too, it's not sustainable, it's not forever. It's a little bit of like, hey, thank the gods. It's good fortune, good timing.

Starting point is 00:20:16 Yeah, you got to work hard, but it is all those other things. And so maybe the relationships felt like the thing. That's why I love sports. There's a realness to that. There's a work to that. There's a layering to that that you only get by doing it. And so I had a sense of that pretty early. And that always felt really important.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Yeah, but I feel like, yeah, yeah, that's great. that you knew pretty early on that you didn't get caught up in it in a way that could have been detrimental because talking to it's like you have this wisdom it seems like you've always had this with you just sort of this knowing of like our presence like this is happening now but this is who I am and we'll see where things go yeah I don't know and I parent my daughters differently meaning because they come from a home that we're together and there's sort of some kind of not monotony but you can you can kind of they'll get up in the morning and probably count that Laird and I are going to be sitting at the counter having a coffee together. So there's some pretty deep

Starting point is 00:21:08 rooting. And so my hope for them, and I always say is become a full and whole independent person. Do your thing. Do what you want. Strive for what you want. Be independent. No matter what. And if you enter into a marriage, guess what? Be independent. Because even though I'm here to serve my family and my husband, because it feels good and I enjoy it and he seems to be doing the same, if Laird decided to leave tomorrow, I'm going to be super sad. But I'm not going to have my whole, whole life. fall apart. And that was something that I strive for them. So within this service is a real clarity of like, be there because you want to be there. My only reason for being there is because I want to be there. And even though I have three children and a whole thing and all the stuff, every morning when I

Starting point is 00:21:51 wake up, it's because I want to be there. Within it, I also want to be clear. I think you have to be a little harsh and hardcore about that because it isn't easy and it does take a lot of work. And so when you wake up, it's like, hey, and I want Laird to go, like, yeah, that door's always open. I'm here because I want to be here. It sounds like he wants to be there, too. These are the kind of conversations you have. Yeah, well, I think it's understood between us. I think both of us bring that. And so I want to, I just like to make sure in the messaging, because girls aren't taught that kind of harshness. And it seems unloving, but it's not. I actually think it's the most loving because then I can love with no strings and no conditions and not I'll do this and you'll do

Starting point is 00:22:35 that it's like hey I'm here to love you and we'll see what you do so you're saying that the message to the kids is that like a lot of young women are raised like find a man find a person get married do the thing and you're like still have yourself yeah and do all those things if you want if you want but make sure you have a sense of yourself and what you want and what you want your life to be about and what you want it to look like and what you think is going to turn you on and excite you because it's going to be work no matter what it is, whether you're single and a boss lady or a kid and family or whatever. And by the way, I think probably the hardest is to choose or have this conversation between a partner that you'll stay home and be with the kids. Those are the people that,

Starting point is 00:23:15 hey, they actually have the hardest route. But whatever that is. And do that. Honor yourself because it's your one life. And if it involves a partner and a partnership and children or whatever it involves, just make it sure that it reflects you. I think that's such great advice because so many of us struggle with women that when you are a mom or when you're, you know, even if you're just working hard, all the things that we don't think that we deserve to take that time or it's seen as selfish or we have to always be producing and going. But I love even with being an entrepreneur, having a wildly successful company and a podcast and three children. You still are like, no, but this is who I am. I'm taking time for myself. And that is such a great example to everyone around you,

Starting point is 00:24:02 that you haven't wavered from that. Right? A lot of people. No. And if anything, I think the process of having a family in certain ways, it's not necessary, but it makes you become a different and sort of more extreme version of who you really are. Because it will beat your ass in a way that you know, only maybe a job that's an 18 hour a day job or women who are single moms. It will press you in a way that you get to know who you are. So I think it's so valuable and people should support each other in, then support her. Who is she? Because she's showing up and she's working hard and she's getting squeezed. So also give her the other side of that, which is she has the room to really show up and be who she fully is. I don't think it's, none of the past are easy. No, none of them

Starting point is 00:24:54 are easy. No. It's true. But it's like you were saying, so when you get up in the morning, going back to that, you wake up. Like, is this your wellness self-care routine? Are you a same thing kind of routine every day? I wake up and I, Laird always gets up before me and he makes my coffee in the morning. So when he hears me, no, no, no, no. He hits the button. And in my coffee is full of a bunch of ingredients. And then I come down and I just sit with him. Just he and I, two people, two human beings. I read it. I saw something. I talked to, oh, we have a laugh. Whatever. Maybe just talk about life. We're not anyone's parents. We're not, it's not those roles. Because those roles get, they get cumbersome. And there's always stuff to talk about if you're

Starting point is 00:25:36 talking about the kids. But to have that moment just connecting the two of you is so special. Yeah. And maybe philosophy, like talk about life. Talk about something you're seeing. or experiencing. And then kids come and then I train. If I don't have it, if I can always do it, I defend my window from 7.45 a.m. to 10, period. And it could be a kid gets dropped off at school or what have you, of course. But that window, because I will get my training done, I will get it done, and then, okay, let's launch into the day. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. you have your own training program that you've developed and it's pretty intense or rigorous

Starting point is 00:26:25 which i understand i do that i have an intense routine too i just think even the older i get like i need it like i tell i can't show up for work i can't really do anything unless i've worked out in the morning my brain has to my brain just it won't it hasn't gone into it hasn't started working yet if i don't work out is there anything that you'd like to share that you've learned about that that you do, that would be... Well, I just want to remind, especially females, you won't get too big if you bang iron. If you want your skin to look good and your hair to look good, lift weights. And time under tension is so important.

Starting point is 00:26:58 And it may seem silly. And if it seems intimidating or weird, just get someone to teach you. And you only do it three days a week. But do that. And that will actually serve your overall real health. I'm not talking about, I'm skinny. your overall real health, the real stuff, more so than cardio. Cardio is important, but I would just encourage them to add it.

Starting point is 00:27:19 And it's hard to see the value, and it was easy for me coming through athletics. But I just want to say starting with young women, if they can get a relationship with it and see the value in it, and then if you're an older woman who was, you didn't grow up with brothers and nobody taught you that start today. And don't be intimidated and it's your right to be there. and it's not a section of the gym that only the men go to, you know, just find the way that it works for you because I do believe it's important. And the other thing I always think about exercise in itself, I do think it's these moments because we sort of our life is informed by how we

Starting point is 00:27:57 look and how old we are and what gender we are and all this stuff. It's just a place to be a playful, sweaty kind of person. And I always say I kind of channel my 15-year-old boy when I go and I train because I'm there and I'm like in sweats and I can be inappropriate and, you know, I can rabble rows with my friends and just be and get it done and sweat and work hard because it will protect your health, your cognitive health, all your health in all the ways. If you meet somebody, there are women who build muscle faster than others, but it's generally pretty hard to do. But especially we get older, too, paramedopause, all the things. I know that's when I just started.

Starting point is 00:28:38 I'm like, I'm doing it. I'm in. I mean, I always tried. I was doing other things, but that has been a game changer. 17 years old, you're rolling. 17 magazine. Oh, there we go. Wow, you're going back.

Starting point is 00:28:48 That was the magazine I got every week. And you were on it a lot. And I just remember reading articles about you. I'm sitting with the volleyball. Anyway, so if you don't believe me, like Mary Claire Haver is a lady who had a hard time going in through metapause. She's, you know, she was an OB, OB, Y, N. but the point is she wasn't like she was training to stay skinny. So I'm just saying now what's so

Starting point is 00:29:08 great is there's so much information. Finally, this is the other thing about women's health. We never studied it. I mean, I've been, I know Mary Claire very well. We've been speaking on these panels and studying it. It's like, this is like women's health was like, was like the bastard child of the whole wellness. Well, we weren't in studies until 1993. Exactly. So it's. Clitoris wasn't on the map until 1997. What? Yeah. The clitoris was not even on the map until 1997. We didn't even study women until 93. And even until very recently, we were like, women are just small men. So we're just going to treat them that way. We're so different. It's so, it's very, it's clitoris wasn't around until 97. 97. Yeah. Well, they didn't. And the doctors didn't, now have like three of them up on the shelf.

Starting point is 00:29:48 The doctors didn't study, even none of them did. Guidecologist didn't study menopause, parameda. That's why we're all like trying to pick Hedge up right now. But thank God. Yeah. Thank God it's all happening. Other question I have for you. So this was years ago, You shared the four rule You wrote a book Which was a best sell Your best selling book Which I love

Starting point is 00:30:08 My foot is too big for the glass slipper How do you feel about it now? I haven't picked up that book I know people ask me stuff about 10 years ago Yeah I mean I've lived live live since then Yeah right But that's what I want to ask you You had four rules for keeping your alpha happy

Starting point is 00:30:25 You're alpha male And you're also alpha female you were saying But this is what This was like respect his masculinity and give them space. Okay. Men know what they need to do when you give them space and allow them to step into their power. That's true.

Starting point is 00:30:39 Okay. What else? Give them food and sex regularly. I was going to say food and sex, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Still. More. More? That's good. It's hard. No, I mean, it shows up more than ever as like a universal policy. Yeah. Really.

Starting point is 00:30:53 True. And women get really upset about it. They do. Tell me what happens. Because they don't want to have sex because they don't know their. Well, and also if it's uncomfortable, like if, if it's uncomfortable, like if you're not feeling good. I get it. So I get it. I get it. And, you know, imagine my thing, too, like, oh, you have a kid. It's so fascinating. I might have talked about this in this book,

Starting point is 00:31:12 because I had already had all my girls by then. When you're pregnant, especially really deep into pregnancy, yes, they want to have sex with you, but it also feels like they're a little more protective of you. And then the minute the baby comes out, they're sort of looking at you and you're just like, oh, my God. You know, you're nursing. Your body just went through this whole thing. And women will say, I don't feel like having sex and I'm like, yeah, I get it. And that's when you sort of say, well, you know, a blowjob or like something. And I know it's, again, I know it's almost like, well, I shouldn't have to do something I don't feel like it. And I go and it's sort of like, I get it.

Starting point is 00:31:48 And are we able at all to see it from their side? Yeah, something that they might require. Just, yeah. It's going to help and feel more connected to you. Well, also women don't understand about testosterone. And they sort of think, well, they, you know, Byron Katie said to me when you use the word should, we've left reality. So I sometimes feel that parts of parenting, parts of being in a partnership are almost taking some of your own impulses and feelings, not at your detriment, but sort of

Starting point is 00:32:20 looking at the person's side and going, is this reasonable? Is there a workaround? And because if it's reasonable, it's like having a teenager, right? Like they want to be left alone. Or they, they want to stay up later because the brains are different. It's like trying really hard to go, okay, I'm not sacrificing myself for them, meaning on my partner's sexual needs, but I'm seeing what they're asking for is actually quite reasonable. How do I fit in what I need and want with what they need and want? How do I get that done? And I joke, that's why I've said, like, you know, lipstick on and like, okay, let's, I'll give you, because I don't really want anyone down there right now because I had a kid and like stuff's happening. But you know what? I can, I can put it. You can

Starting point is 00:33:00 put a push-up bra, I got some milk boobs. I'm like, we can get this done. You get this time. That is a great attitude. Because it's also the reverse. Some women are told you could go have sex right away. It's the other stuff we didn't study. Six weeks. You're ready to go or a month. And a lot of women, they are not ready to go. No. And they're not ready for a lot of reasons. Yeah. This is always why I'm such a bang on about trying to be as healthy as possible because it makes some of this easier. I mean, I'm 54 years old. So, you know, I still have a cycle. But believe me, these hormones, stuff's happening. It's like, okay, what's the workaround?

Starting point is 00:33:32 Because it's not their fault. That's the other interesting thing in the day that we live in. Somehow we're all supposed to be the same. We're not. Men physiologically are different than women, contrary to whatever weird popular belief. So it's not their fault. Am I mad at Laird that he is like, yo, I'm into it? Or he didn't have my daughters.

Starting point is 00:33:55 Again, contrary to whatever narrative's been going on, as far as I know, biological men can't have children. I did. That's what happened. And if people are weird about that, that's okay. I'm comfortable with that. At this point, I'm not mad at him that I'm the one. Our experiences are different. Also, we don't say that we're mad that men really do the shittiest jobs. Look around. They do the worst jobs in the world. Road work, plumbing, war. It's like, we're like, oh, it's not fair. And I'm like, yeah, I get it. But if you look at the whole story, and yeah, you get some, get a couple guys who get in power and they blow it for everybody. But if you're talking about the general male population, these are good guys who are just trying to do a good job.

Starting point is 00:34:38 Yeah, they got a lot testosterone and they want to blow a job every now and then. I get it. And they're trying to, you know, take care of their families and their jobs are hard. I think that you were able to do that. It's just that women, I think that sometimes for women, too, it's like they're still not getting what they need. So they feel like, why am I giving you what you need if I'm not getting what I need? But this goes back to, even beyond childbirth, that so many women going back to, what we said earlier, they don't know even what they want because a lot of sex they were having was performative or more for what the man wants. So at the end of the day, they look back at their lives and like, it actually never felt that great to me because I was always just handing it out

Starting point is 00:35:11 to them or doing what they wanted. Doing what I'm supposed to or being that pretty object for you. Yeah, all the things. So then they don't know. Well, that we get them there. We try to get them like that. Look at your own body. What do you like? And I think the one, exactly. The one provides the other. So the fact that I can be more brutal, more harsh, about what I want or I need allows me actually to be more understanding and I can see it more from his side and I can see it from other people's sides, not just Laird's if I'm in a thing with a friend or somebody, I go, okay, wait a second, let me just try to see it from this side. It's a great skill set to be able to see both sides.

Starting point is 00:35:50 Most people, it is. Well, I think it's necessary. Well, sports helps you to do it. but if you if you feel pretty good and you have you know kind of boundaries right having said that i'm comfortable i can slap down my boundaries anytime so i'm it's easy for me to go well let me look at it from your side because i don't feel i don't feel threatened that someone's going to take advantage of me i know ever feel that way and if they do i'm like lyrus taught me this actually because he's hyper-masculine.

Starting point is 00:36:25 And what you realize with hyper-strength and masculinity is great love and compassion. That is the truth. And it's right expression. It sounds like everything I've heard you say about Lared is that he is his hyper-masculine alpha-male, but he also has such a deep tenderness sensitivity. Misogynists are bitches. Yeah. They are.

Starting point is 00:36:45 That is not masculinity. It's not at all. is protective and loving and, you know, all these great things. So people, I think we've gotten it confused. And also we've trained it out of men. We've made them feel bad and weird for it. So I think within that, and, you know, sports is a female. But learning from Laird, for example, someone will come over, let's say, and we need something that he's not able to fix to fix. And I'll be like, oh, I think they're taking advantage of us, you know, whatever. And he's like, and he'll say, oh, that's on them. they'll have to deal with that.

Starting point is 00:37:18 So sometimes if I'm in a situation and I'm like, oh, this person is taking advantage of me, okay, that's on you to deal with. I'm okay. It's a good perspective. Let's take it all in and be like, everyone's out for me or being the victim being like, that's on them. Take it back. You guys are good.

Starting point is 00:37:31 I can see it. Well, I learn, though. I learn a lot because as women, we need to be given permission sometimes because we are, oh, be nice and all this stuff we're taught. Yes, good. Be kind. Right. We don't need to be nice.

Starting point is 00:37:43 Right. There's such a difference between being kind and being nice. Nice is like your people. pleaser and it's actually being a pleaser is some of the most manipulative thing. I struggle with that because I have a, I like to say I'm a recovering people pleaser, but it still lingers because I don't think you fully recover. But I realize when I learned that it is a, it's actually a manipulation to get everyone to like you. It's you're really not being that genuine in a way. And I'll add to that. Yes. I think we're taught if we're going to be good people, then that's connected to being nice.

Starting point is 00:38:10 Yes. And that means that then nobody would dislike us. Well, the fact is someone's always going to dislike us. So how about we show up and we say, I'm going to be kind, I'm going to try to see it from your side. I'm not going to worry about, you know, again, Byron Katie has helped me a lot. What you think of me is none of my business. I love Byron Katie. And then just be like, yeah, cool. They don't like me. That's so great work. I love the Byron. And you had a writer show too, but I've heard you talk, mentioned her a lot. She was, it was life changing for me, too, during the pandemic is when I first got introduced to her work, although I know she'd be doing in a long time, and she has that, the way of, like, you know, is it true?

Starting point is 00:38:44 The suffering, I had, like, printouts, like, separate, you're in her app, right? Like, your negative thoughts, like, anytime you have a negative thought, which I think we all have limiting beliefs, whether we want to look at it or not, and just how you can flip it in an instant, right? Do you still do that? It's so great. All the time, before questions. That's what's helpful.

Starting point is 00:38:59 Self inquiry. Yeah, self inquiry. Is it, what is it? Is it true? Is it true? Can I know it to be true for sure? Who am I when I think those thoughts and who would I be without that belief? And I think for women, we need to be, we need to be given permission to be more ferocious so we can be more loving.

Starting point is 00:39:15 And ferocious just means, hey, I got to dial into what I need and want. And I'm going to be okay if I don't, not everyone is my best friend. Yeah, exactly. It's the work. But it's the good work. You're right, especially as you move through life and you just see, like, it doesn't, how's it, like, how's it been going for you? If you didn't people please your whole life, does everyone like you know? Or like, there's enough information now.

Starting point is 00:39:36 and then you realize that you're, you know, it allows us to suffer as well. So just it's more and more leaning into our authentic selves. Yeah. And that would also maybe allow us to stay playful as we get older because part of why I think we get so heavy and, you know, plus besides hormones and all the other stuff we have to navigate through these changes is like if we just keep covering that or whatever, we lose, there's nothing better than an older woman who sort of really dialed in it. And she's the coolest, most playful, naughty, fun, great person because somehow she figured out

Starting point is 00:40:10 how to navigate it. I mean, it's there in us. It's just letting go of the other. It's there. Like, it's who I, I feel like, I'm the, I'm always like, I'm fun. Like, what am I doing here? Working all the time. Like, I actually live.

Starting point is 00:40:20 I've got pounds of sex toys around me. I've got, like, a really joyful life I've created. But then I get so, you know, serious and trying to make it all done. So I love the reminder of it to play. So those were some of the things you said. And then you had allow him to allow him space to be tender and honor you as a woman, which I think we've been talking about. He does that quite a lot.

Starting point is 00:40:39 I love that. He's way more romantic than me. It's like the cuddling and all that. I'm like, oh, who could be bothered? No, Laird's like, oh, you know. That's sweet. But you give it to him as much as you want. Yeah, and as much as I'm comfortable.

Starting point is 00:40:50 I got to get stuff done. Like, okay. I mean, if we're going to make time to have sex, it's like, yo, let's also wrap this up. Do you guys still, I have a question. Do you guys still have your 48-hour rule? Yeah, pretty much every other day. I mean, you know, some days. get blown to the side. But that's pretty much like you start to pay attention. You know,

Starting point is 00:41:07 I'll even, this is terrible. Let's say like I kind of, we're in a certain rhythm and then the week starts unfold. I will load up the days that I know we are not like the day after we've been together, because I know I don't have to answer to anyone on that or try to find a window. Like I'll make more meetings, more calls because I'm like, oh, I can stack the hell out of this day. Because we just had the sex. Yeah. No, see, what I love about this is the people like, I always tell people, it's so important to schedule sex or to plan for sex. But it's not sexy. That isn't sexy. That's not sexy, but it's sexier than the alternative. And the alternative is one partner wants it on every night, Tuesday, we have Tuesday, then you're rejected them on Tuesday. Can we have it Wednesday?

Starting point is 00:41:47 You're rejected. How about Thursday? And then if you just know, you know what, Saturday nights are night. Yeah. Then you don't feel that throughout the week. Yeah, because that's a bad dynamic where one person feels like they're begging for it. And then the person starts feeling the pressure of it. And it also isn't sexy, where, you know, and Laird sometimes will get frustrated, like, it feels a little scheduled. And I'm like, mm-hmm. Well, no, but then it has to be. Like, in a way, it's not going to happen. It isn't. And then once you get there. I don't know that I can, I can do that. I mean, but I have, but see, you know, but it's so straightforward. See, for me, it's so simple. Right. Where it's like, Laird, it appreciates, it wants it. It feels. It

Starting point is 00:42:29 feeds the relationship. I enjoy it once I'm there. Yeah. Listen, nobody feels like it before they get there. It's so hard to get there. It's kind of like the workout, right? Similar. I always say that sex begets sex, like the more you have it. But it's even like going to the gym, like sometimes you're like the hardest part is getting your shoes on and getting out of the house. Yep. So maybe the hardest part about the sex is like, just get naked. Get there. And then you're like, we're naked. What else we're going to do? And by the way, if somebody's listening to a very small children, it's harder. What would you say? Well, because also, so be kind to yourselves. When you have very small children and maybe more than one. So like these people are like, I have two children or two.

Starting point is 00:43:03 It's like, whoa. First of all, be kind to yourself. So that means even in your training, like all of it, be kind, be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner. You're in it together, right? Sleep is really important. But I have another friend of mine and we used to call it. It's almost like, and it's not sexy. But like if you've got 15 minutes, like some kids are, I used to joke that the reason we had a nanny is so we could either train or have sex. Yeah. I don't need it. nanny to like watch my kids I need it so that I can be alone with my partner but is if you have 15 minutes just especially if you're the female because your your partner your male partner sensitive more than you realize to your feelings so they're not going to press you because they

Starting point is 00:43:47 know already all that you're navigating and that you're tired so if you're the female make it easier be like yeah we have 15 minutes let's sneak away initiate it it doesn't have to be a dance in a thing and an outfit and some BS. It just like, just, you know, and sometimes, and this is, again, it isn't sexy and it's harsh. And maybe it's too utilitarian, but I'll just say it. Sometimes I'm, I'm there to have, I want to be with Laird. I want to be with him. But sometimes it's like, I'm doing it for him.

Starting point is 00:44:20 I'm not not enjoying it, but it's like, hey, I'm not even, I don't need to like, I'm not even interested in like getting off or anything. It's like, no, I'm interested in, you know, in the whole thing. And this is a moment. And maybe the next time I'll be like, yo, okay, I'm, you know, there's space. It's not just about the orgasm and the goal-oriented thing. It's like we are connected. It's okay not to have an orgasm, but you know what he needs.

Starting point is 00:44:41 And then sometimes you need it. And that's okay, too, as long as you guys are connecting. But I love this. I actually say, I don't think I've heard this. It sounds like it's really worked for you guys all these years. And I've yet to hear couples in a schedule. It's rare to hear couples in his schedule where they've really stuck to it. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:58 No, I have. I mean, since even having little kids, because that is the question. But people have to really be careful and be kind to themselves when they have young children because it is so much harder. It's the hardest time. I never did it because I knew it would be so hard. No, just be kinder to yourself. You know what it is?

Starting point is 00:45:14 I would say, nobody knows how to do it. So just do the best you can. But also don't let it go, go, go and go. Don't never talk about it. Just be like, hey, even if you tell your partner, I'm aware we haven't been together in a while. sensitive. I would like to connect with you. I want you to know I'm thinking about it. Yes. I think for a partner, because it's probably usually the guy that's like, does she even care? Does she want it? Like what's going on? So even if you go, hey, I think it's helpful,

Starting point is 00:45:44 but it's a dance. And it's not an easy dance. And then it's like, oh, it's not easy because you're older and it's not easy because you've been together thousands of times. So people just, like for me, I think there's enough of maybe my personality. that's kind of realistic enough and brutish enough that I'm like, hey, it is what it is. What's the end goal? And let me work back towards, because people have all this fantasy. They watch these stupid movies and they go saying, oh, sex and take me in. It's on the thing.

Starting point is 00:46:14 It's like, listen, yes. And how do we work back from the goal of, you know, a vibrant relationship, each person getting sort of versions of what they want, not all the time? okay what does that look like how do I do that and um you know this idea of like you know I'm going to always feel like it and it's going to it's like okay well yeah that's I've spent a lot of time there lately telling you you have to realize that most of what we heard about sex isn't true and 99% of couples are going to be struggling with their sex life at some point because they've never talked about it and we're all holding on to that honeymoon phase when it was amazing at the beginning and you didn't have to talk about it and think about it but most couples

Starting point is 00:46:58 are in the place of they're trying to figure it out one person usually wants it more than the other person that's just how the relationships go and you've got to find a work around and looking to porn or television how they both wanted it at the same time and they've orgasm is so not realistic. So like I love it and you're like it's not

Starting point is 00:47:15 but it's going to take work but it's the kind of work that like we see what happens when it doesn't happen and it's interesting because when I first started I thought it was mostly the men when I started in this field of work that it was mostly the men men always wanted sex but I always wanted sex but I also have seen a lot of women who are like my partner doesn't want it either, you know,

Starting point is 00:47:32 and there's a lot of different reasons too because if resentments build up, people get stress and also when we're anxious and stressed, and I found this more with men, but I also think that in many ways I'm very much in my masculine too a lot, but we're worried about money or achieving, that can immediately kill sex drives, especially with a man I've noticed more so than a woman even just if they lose their job. They, you know, start something happened with yeah, anything really financial or their career. It's like, They can't get it up. Yeah, and that's tricky.

Starting point is 00:48:00 I do want to say one thing as sort of a middle-aged female because I feel like it's our responsibility to help usher in new adults coming in. And I do feel a very contentious thing, especially females to males in this overcorrection, which I understand. I totally get it. But what I want to say is that half the best people I know in the world are men. and I think it's so important whether we like it or not I think we bring out the best in males through softness and through kindness if you have boundaries so I believe to get what you really

Starting point is 00:48:39 want is for us to also continue not forego that to develop that because I think it makes them better and what's happening is I feel like we're going at them and they're retreating Yes. And I'm interested, and now I have someone to be with. My interest for people is that as they go through their life, if they choose, if they want to have a partner, that they understand that enough. So because if you beat someone down, they won't be able to stand for you. And you're ultimately going to want a partner that can stand.

Starting point is 00:49:14 And it just seems to be the way it is. I'm with you. I totally, I've been thinking about the same time. we get so angry and we're like saying men are doing all these things or men are off the end of the patriarchy if i hear that one more time i'm going to throw up because women are men are suffering too in it and so they don't realize and so i just want to as somebody a little bit older who wants everybody to win i want the group below me to win i want them all to win whatever that looks like partner no partner kids kids whatever i don't care but i just want to bring that up because we need

Starting point is 00:49:48 each other. We really do. We need each other. So if women can dig into their feminine, be really be supportive and loving, you can also be, you can also give guidance and you can also support them, but it doesn't have to be even a place of anger and hate. But how could we all work together and help them? Because men were the same environment that we were, it was just a different time. Yes. And they need our support and love and with boundaries. Well, and also that's why I encourage women to be fiercely strong and develop yourself. because then that makes that so much easier. I'm with you.

Starting point is 00:50:21 I've got the same thoughts about this. It's a really heady time run right now. Yeah, because who are they going to want to have sex with? I mean, not to be vulgar, but let's just blow it all out the window of our relationships. Who are you going to want to have sex with? Right. Some guy you beat down? No.

Starting point is 00:50:34 Well, then he doesn't fight. He's not respecting him. You don't respect him. Then you're going to go on tenure and get some dude and forgot it. No, that's what we're getting. Yes. It's like the dude or the assholes or somebody you can just see that they're doing the best they can. So how do you make them?

Starting point is 00:50:46 You can still gently guide people. people by doing it with kindness and not with this judgment and that's how we're going to get what you want. Like I think that's so much about feminism too, like second wave feminism when it was like, we're going to be like men, we're going to wear the suits and we're going to make as much money as they are. Some of that worked, of course, but some of it was like just like we're going to be just as angry. We're going to do it from male perspective. What if we lead from the feminine? Yes. With men. And I think that's when all the beauty is going to happen and because men need us too. You've even said that it's about wellness. You're like, your wellness can't be a separate

Starting point is 00:51:18 bucket from your overall health. You've got to put it in there. And that's what I feel about sexual health. But sex is part of your health. It is part of your health. Sex is part of your health. Sex is part of your health. And that's why I'm very matter of fact about it because I'm like, hey, this is. And yes, there's provocative elements and all these things. And again, maybe I'm very straightforward in this department. Like I, for example, have a daughter. She's a young adult. She, by nature, is much more provocative. And I'm very straight ahead. Like, you know, so I also acknowledge that. So if you're if you're a more sensual and a more sexual, I so think that's great, you know, I probably wish I had more of it. I mean, I'm dealing with the cards I'm dealing

Starting point is 00:52:00 with, but that has also made the part that it is the dance easier. Yeah, that's interesting. So your daughter feels like she's more in her. I can, I could always tell even when she was a teenager. She's just, it has more layers. It is, it's more, you know, it's a softness. I think her dad's more like that. You know, I think my straight-aheadness for him sometimes is like, huh, you know, like, but I think he's weighed it all out and realizes that

Starting point is 00:52:30 the fantasy of me being, you know, sort of all over and like, you know, super wide open about all things. I think in time he'd be like, huh, well, that's good. But then when we come out of the bedroom, maybe there's other things. Okay, these are your final quickie questions. This is what we ask all of our guests. All right.

Starting point is 00:52:47 really quick whatever first thing comes to mind uh what's your biggest turn on oh i i mean i know this is bad but i mean my husband is hot is fit and he's he is like i feel like i'm always being kind of taken oh that's hot and he has a deep voice um so i think i like feeling like uh i'm not in charge totally it's quite nice and but i've but i'm i'm giving in the wheel to somebody who's quite capable. I'm not like, oh, is he, you know. That's amazing. Okay, biggest turnoff.

Starting point is 00:53:25 I don't like somebody who's mal, mean, who tries to dominate people through like a meanness. I like real strength, which is maybe quiet and of service, not, you know, somebody who's trying to dominate people through false ways. I don't like that. And I don't like unclean. I like the clean hygiene. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:51 And with you, something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. I think my younger self, and it's hard to learn this as a young woman, and I probably started having sex by the time I was 14 or 15. It is as much about you as it is about their needs. And what I learned at 18 was, and this is harsh, but in a way, like, you have the goods. Like, what do you want? Like, what do you need? What do you want?

Starting point is 00:54:16 It's going to excite you. Chances are, they're probably going to have fun. So what do you want? Right. They're going to get off. Yeah, I don't mean that in a vulgar way. No, it's true. What do we actually want?

Starting point is 00:54:26 Chances are they're probably, you know. What makes good sex? Oh, that's complicated. That's between two people. Some people, it's role playing and foreplay and, you know, snuggling and rough and soft. And I think good sex is when the two people have an understanding and they're there also to be together but for one another um and because listen you can have good sex once forbidden taboo good sex wants big deal that's no big deal you know lord always says oh yeah it's easy to please many women once

Starting point is 00:55:00 try pleasing one woman many times um so i i think it's it's once you get to that place it's like oh like okay we're in this together it's an adventure together it is okay what's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex. That's really healthy and natural and beautiful and it doesn't have to be taboo. And just because you might like it a certain way, that's okay too. And then within that same breath, I think we have made way too much of it. Yes. Sometimes I'm like, hey, it's just sex.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Like, it's sex. Like, come on. Like, have it, do it, find it, get it, you know. But also within it for me, and maybe this is somebody. who has three daughters, I feel also there's a sacredness to it that at least where I am in my life right now and that my hope for my daughters is, yes, have the raw sexuality of all these things, but within it, I believe there is a sacredness that is quite beautiful and maybe not to abuse it to the point that you couldn't find the sacredness.

Starting point is 00:56:08 All right. Where can people find you? Listen to all the fun things. You're doing the podcast and all things. So really, you're so wise. I love listening to. I really got on the gavitry. I was listening to all your things. I just, I'm just such a fan of all you've done, how you continue to evolve and do it so openly and share all wherever you are in your life. It feels like you're always sharing what you're

Starting point is 00:56:24 going through in a very real way. And I admire that. I think we're all going through something really similar. So let's not be afraid of it. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X.

Starting point is 00:56:53 It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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