Sex With Emily - What I Wish I Knew About Sex in my 30s

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

In this episode, I'm breaking down everything I learned about sex and relationships in my 30s… because this decade taught me lessons my 20s never could. I used to think if the chemistry faded, the relationship was over, but I discovered that real intimacy is something you build, not something you stumble into. I'm talking about why stress crushes desire more than attraction ever could, why responsive desire is normal (not broken), why boring sex doesn't mean a boring relationship, and why communication really is a lubrication. If you've ever wondered why talking about sex feels harder than having it, or worried that losing the honeymoon phase means you're with the wrong person, this episode is for you. This episode is sponsored by BTL: Learn more about the EMSELLA & EXOMIND treatments from BTL at BodyByBTL.com ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT WITH EMILY: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the dates, July 7th in Rosemont, Illinois at Zanis, then heading to Philadelphia on August 5th.

Nashville on September 29th and Austin on October 7th. More cities to come. Come with your partner, your friends fly solo. You'll leave with practical tools. Plenty of laughs. Maybe some surprises. Well, definitely some surprises. Visit sex withemly.com

slash events for tickets and tour information. I will see you there. Can't wait to meet you. Chemistry gets you together, but real skills keep you together. The butterflies eventually settle. You're not going to have. the butterflies forever but that is not the end of intimacy that's actually where the

relationship can grow stronger why is talking about sex actually harder than having sex stress affects desire more than attraction that life can just crowd out intimacy people say like we're amazing partners we're terrible lovers is that great sex is something built probably the biggest lesson i had in my 30s Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. This show is all about you. It's about you having better sex, expressing your desires and knowing exactly what you want.

Also be sure to follow me on all social media. It's Sex with Emily everywhere. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for full episodes and my newsletter. You're going to love my newsletter. I've been told I give a really good newsletter, if you know what I mean. It's sex with Emily.com slash newsletter. Finally, I am going on tour. I hope you join me.

I'll be going all over the United States. And my first stop is in Chicago on July 7th, and the show is all about you. I'll be answering your questions live. We'll be playing games. There's giveaways. It's going to be such a good time. You can find that at sex withemly.com slash events.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Well, okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. Well, that's exactly why we created the shop, Sex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team. And these are products I trust. I recommend to clients and what tell my friends about.

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there because pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop.com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Welcome to Sex with Emily, you guys what I'm talking about today is what we all should learn about sex in our 30s and what I learned in my 30s about sex that changed my life and I hope it'll change yours so you're out of your 20s and you're like okay well if I'm dating now either you're dating and you're thinking you know what I better start maybe getting a little bit more serious if I want to have a baby or I want of a family and maybe you've matured a little bit where the people you're picking maybe you've made a lot of

mistakes, you dated the toxic people, you dated your mother, you dated your father, and you're like, okay, I don't want to repeat that pattern anymore. I actually want to find someone that I click with, maybe they could be my life partner, at the same time, you're working really hard, you're getting into your career, you've had some movement, you've maybe moved out of the house, you're starting to make real money, and we all know what happens then, or maybe if you're not in your 30s yet, that's when you start realizing like, I've got to be an adult, I got to pay my business, I got to figure out my future, right? But there's a few other things that could happen in your throes.

You're a little bit different place than you were in your 20s. That's what I realized. Now, my first lessons was that this. I was in a relationship. I was a serial monogamist and I was dating people for two years and then I would end it and then I would end it because I thought that if we get great chemistry and that chemistry went away, anyone else ever been with someone and it was the best sex ever, the first year, year and a half, and then we're like, why aren't we having sex anymore?

This is really, this is, maybe this isn't my person. But now I know, and hopefully you know, that that doesn't mean the relationship has to be over. It can actually be a great starting point for like, now we're no longer in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, but now we're going to work on like the deeper stuff and learn how to communicate. But I know for me at the time, I was like, no, it was amazing. And now it's hard, so I should probably move on. But if I look back, the lesson I learned was that you could have a try.

you can have chemistry, but the real relationship takes work. Another thing I learned is that you have to communicate. Communication doesn't have to be awkward. It can actually be sexy. Now, I remember there was a very challenging sexual situation with the guy was dating for like two years in my 30s. And mostly it was about performance anxiety. He experienced performance anxiety and that impacted his ability to stay hard during sex.

Now, to be honest, like a lot of women I talked to, I was like, okay, we could work on that together. And I started buying him books and we could talk about it. And I tried to talk about it, but it was awkward. And then I felt that he didn't want to talk about it. I made assumptions. And then I was like buying him in books and sending him articles. But I was sort of separate. I was like, this is your problem.

You should probably go fix it. And I didn't realize I could say, you know what? You're having these struggles with your penis. I'm actually having struggles with my vagina. I'm not having orgasms. Why don't we like clean slate come together, not literally, but maybe, and figure out how we could make this better for both of us. But I just thought our sex life changed.

If we have to communicate about it, this is really awkward. It probably means there's a problem in the relationship. So hopefully you learn that communication is awkward, but it's also sexy. Because the more you talk about it, the better sex you're going to have, which is why I always say communication is a lubrication. I think that's when I originated that. You got to talk about sex. It's going to make it hotter.

Because the communication actually creates better intimacy, which creates better sex. That's really what it's about. The other thing I learned is that I could be really attracted to my partner, but if I was stressed out or had anxiety, I couldn't be aroused at all. I didn't realize that my stress and anxiety impacts a relationship. And at the same time, my partner was building a business.

I was dating someone who was building a business and he was really stressed out. So we'd both be working all day and really worried about work. And then we'd get home and thinking we have to have sex when we were both still on our laptops. And then it felt like it was another thing to do. And then I felt like, well, I just don't, you know, I thought there was other things wrong. But really, I was just stressed. Now imagine this. Who had a baby in their 30s?

Lots of people have a baby in their 30s and like, get them. this. You've spent the last few years trying to get pregnant. You were timing ovulation. You were, your sex became about getting pregnant, which becomes a whole different way couples oriented and orient around it. And then your partner's pregnant, you got pregnant. And then she's pregnant for nine months. And then sex is a little bit off then. And then she has a baby. And maybe you were told the doctor says after six weeks she's going to be tip top shape wanting to have sex again. Well, here's a secret. For the majority of women, they are nowhere near ready after six months.

They may want some intimate touch, like a foot massage or a head massage or some more help around the house. That might help them get more in the mood. But just straightforward sex, when they've had a baby hanging off their body all day long, they're not necessarily ready for sex. Plus, the hormones change, especially for women if they had a baby. So these are just other layers of things that can happen to. a lot of people in their 30s. Talk about stress, having a baby, changing your lifestyle, not being

free anymore, learning how to be parents. That's going to impact your desire. Those are some things. The next thing is, I learned that boring sex doesn't mean a boring relationship. Now, that was a huge breakthrough for me. I mean, of course we're going to be routine. That's inevitable. You're going to like make out, roll over, have oral sex, do fucking whatever you do and then it's over and then he would like watch TV. But that became so predictable and so boring. And I didn't know to stay curious. I didn't even know there were other options then.

I didn't know you could make it interesting. That's why so many couples are like, can we get the spark back? We've become roommates. We're best friends. We keep having the same sex over and over and over again. This is what I hear all the time. So this is what's happening in your 30s.

I get it. But this is also where we need to. say, how can we get curious about this? Our sex life is so important. We still have that chemistry, but we have all these layers around it, stress, responsibility, jobs, kids. But this is the time we can say,

I pledge to you, we pledge to each other that we're going through a rough patch here with our sex life. But let's find ways we can prioritize it together by having date night as a non-negotiable, by talking about our sex as a really honest, open way, without blame each other and without shame. This is a big step for your 30s. Before we get back to the episode, let's have a little real talk about something we usually

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Peace contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. I think it happens. Your desire changes. Like, I thought that either people wanted sex or they didn't want sex. Then I learned about responsive desire, that you don't want it spontaneously anymore. You don't want it when your partner walks in the room, not both. people in the relationship and I'm not saying it's a gender thing sometimes women still want it and

the guys like I'm not so sure and flip no matter what gender you're with usually there's one person who is a little bit more spontaneous and a hell of a lot of other people are responsive I'm going to respond to how connected I feel to you I'm going to respond to that great date night we had I'm going to respond to that sexy conversation we had and that made me want to have sex but just waiting for desire to hit you over the head it changes at this time like imagine a couple who's been to for five years. One partner worries because the other never initiates sex anymore. That's what they start feeling. They're not initiating sex anymore. They must not be attracted to me anymore. What did I do? Do I need to lose weight or do some other special

move in the bedroom? It must be about me. And then so then they blame themselves. So they stop initiating, right? And they're waiting for their partner initiate, but their partner would probably initiate if they knew how to initiate but they just don't so it becomes into a whole thing. But then they realized too that every time they do start kissing or cuddling or take a shower together, they're a little bit more into it. They just had to like get out there and start doing something again. So the problem was it attraction? It was it the desire wasn't showing up before they connected. The desire wasn't showing up when one person got home from work. The desire wasn't just showing up on a Saturday morning, it showed up because of connection, because they took a shower

together, because they started kissing. That's more the responsive desire that's everyone's responsibility to be like, oh, let me get curious. What would make us feel attracted to each other? Like, what could we do? Because we're going to have to figure it out because we still want to be together. We're still really attracted each other, but how we were having sex change. And this is where a lot of people fall down in their 30s and really in every decade. months go by, years go by, and they just assume it's their partner's fault. It's their fault. It's a million other thing.

It's rather than just saying nipping it and saying, nipping it in the butt and saying, I've noticed our sex life has changed right now. Let's get really focused and clear and commit to each other. We're going to prioritize it. Next thing I learned, my body wasn't the enemy. So, listen, you guys, this is for me. I think everyone realizes this. Like, I'm working really hard.

I'm running a business. I don't have as much time for working out. I feel like I've gained weight over the last few years. I hear from other women, they get on an antidepressant, are they on the birth control pill? A lot of you say, you can't remember the last time you wanted sex. And maybe she's thinking, maybe I lost my sex drive. But what you really need in your 30s when you're like,

did I lose my sex drive? Why is my body changed? is you don't need to be 25 again. You might just need more sleep, less stress, a little bit more compassion for your body that you're living in right now, the experience you're having right now. We change in every decade.

So rather than wishing we could get back to it, couples always say to me, I wish we could just get back to how it was in the beginning. Guess what? You're never going back. In fact, no couple has ever gone back to how it was in the beginning. We can't recreate that.

That's what got you together and it was amazing and we love that time and we should just have a moment of appreciation for it. And maybe even a moment of silence as we let it go from our fantasy life. Because you can't create the newness and the spontaneity and the excitement that came from never having met this person before, never seen them naked before. The first time you went on vacation together, the first time you saw each other naked, that's gone. But you know what lives? A relationship where you take that. that chemistry and that attraction and that and that safety and from there that's the soil that you have to build a beautiful connected sex life like that's where the magic happens i'm going to start

asking like what do i want what does my partner want i hear this all the time like from women who were like no one ever asked me what i wanted and then i never asked myself and then a lot of times her partners assumed that she liked the same thing that was happening but she didn't because her body changed, her desire changed, and his might have too. But he only had that same routine from the beginning. So this is where we stop performing and we choose pleasure at all costs. What do we have to do now, given this age and this body and this time of life, to say, we're going to choose pleasure and intimacy, however that looks.

Maybe we take sex off the table. So this is like, what do I actually want in this life, in this decade? That changes everything. Another thing was that life can just crowd out intimacy. People say, like, we're amazing partners. We're terrible lovers. Because life becomes logistics. Who's picking up the kids?

Who's paying the bill? Who's making dinner? Like, you become business partners. You have to intentionally become lovers again. I feel like people, and then like they get into conflict sometimes and they don't know how to repair these conflicts. People think, oh, we're so healthy. We never fight.

we're just like coexisting in our life. I think about the couples who've been together for like four years. They have their first really big fight. Nobody cheats. Nobody lies. They're just hurt. And then one of them says, maybe we're just not compatible.

But instead of breaking up, they actually talk it through. They apologize. They understand each other better. And afterwards, they feel closer than they did before the fight. And then that's when they're, realize conflict didn't weaken the relationship, it deepened it. And just because life got messy and

hard and we started having conflicts, we can actually talk it through. That's the healthier expression around that. The biggest lesson is that great sex is something you build. It's probably the biggest lesson I had in my 30s. Like I just thought, oh, my 20s like it'll happen if you find the right person but in my 30s it's like I thought it happens because we keep showing up for each other because we keep getting curious we keep talking we keep learning we choose intimacy over and over again think about two separate couples one has incredible chemistry can't keep their hands off each other they assume it'll always be that way they never talk about sex they never try anything new they never check in and then five years later they're barely connecting the other couple has

good chemistry, not fireworks, but they keep talking. They laugh, they experiment, they ask each other like, what's changed? What can we do? Ten years later, they're having even better sex that they had in the beginning. The difference wasn't chemistry, it was the intention. It was the intention and the container they said was like, we're going to be each other's lives forever. We're going to, we're going to find ways to be intentional about our sex life, you know? The couple's having great sex years later, they're not just lucky. They weren't just born with great genetics. They're the curious ones who kept talking about their relationship.

Thanks, Megan. She says, I'm doing great. My videos have helped you tremendously. How would I approach a woman who has never worked on this aspect of her life? And then this, she says, possibly a situation, possibly a situation where they overvalue their vagina, where they think since they have one, they already know everything. Yeah, that's interesting. He's a guy.

This is a question that just came in when I sleep with women, I find they haven't ever invested in any sex education for themselves whatsoever and they feel like there's nothing left to learn. I got you. I understand that now. So this is a huge, huge thing. I find this to be true. I don't know if you're sleeping with women in their 20s or 30s or 40s, but I got to be honest. I know that I'm breaking these down into decades because last weeks was the 20s, which you'll find that episode. But I have to tell you, I find people in every decade learning these lessons. I find people in their 50s, to your point, that never know their own body. They haven't invested in sexual education for themselves. And as a sex educator and a sexologist, I'm giving you, I'm trying to help you educate yourself. Because to your point, I think for a lot of women and men, but for women, it could be they grew up in an environment or culture where they thought that sex education. And by that I mean learning about their own bodies. what make them feel good, how to feel pleasure was frowned upon. Maybe they were told not to touch themselves, that masturbation was wrong out of marriage

and having sex out of marriage or out of wedlock or out of a committed relationship was something that they weren't allowed to do. And along with that came, well, you can't masturbate. You can't touch yourself. So to your point, you might be with a woman who didn't investigate in our own sex education, i.e. masturbation, touching herself, because she actually didn't know about it, didn't think it was okay, and that her partners, that sex was more about a partnered experience.

But the truth is, she can't show up having sex if she didn't figure herself out first. Now, you could say to her the women who feel like they don't know their bodies, I'd love to explore together. Let's figure out what feels good to both of us. Because it's really common that women and men haven't done this work. I love the idea of like co-ed sex education together. Sexiest thing in the world. So rather than saying like, why didn't she learn and you're in a relationship with her,

say like, let's figure out your body together. Tonight we're just going to figure out your body. We're going to, like, touch you. We're going to figure out what feels good to you. Let's do it together. And then tomorrow we can figure out my body. So it becomes a collaboration that you're both experiencing. Highly recommend that.

that no matter what age you're at in your life, 20s, 30s, 40s, these are lessons we need to be learning and sometimes relearning. Learning for the first time are constantly relearning that relationships aren't about perfection. They're not about hot sex all the time. They're about repair and curiosity. How do I repair this conflict? How do we get curious about my partner and what they like? What do I actually like? So it's a really vibrant, it's a really full decade that you get to say, I'm on a sexual journey either with myself or my partner, but I know there's a lot left to learn and I'm only getting started. Thank you everyone for joining me here at Sex with Emily. You can find me on all platforms, Sex with Emily. You can follow me on tour. I'm going on tour. I'm going to be in

Chicago on July 7th at Zanies. Just go to sex withemily.com slash events. You are listening to this episode. Know that you can watch the whole episode on YouTube that I recorded during a live with my YouTube audience and follow me everywhere. That's what I got. I love you all. Stay curious. Thanks for showing up. Have a great night. If you want a $3,000 a month payday for life, what would you feel free to do? Maybe take a long weekend, every weekend, or try a bunch of new hobbies. Would you feel free to upgrade and listen ad free? Don't worry. We get it. Every $20 ticket could win you $3,000 a month for life and supports life-saving cancer research at the Princess Margaret. Feel free to buy your Payday for Life ticket today. Raffle number 155-2194. Please play responsibly.

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