Sex With Emily - What Nobody Taught You About Vaginas

Starting point is 00:00:00 One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created shop sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you of better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shop sex withemly.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

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Starting point is 00:01:55 What Nobody taught you about vaginas. Okay, here's something that after 20 years of doing this work, I still have to explain all the time. The vagina is not the whole thing. I know, we call everything down there the vagina. Meanwhile, your actual vagina is like, why am I getting blamed for everything? I live inside. So the vagina is the internal canal. The outside is your vulva.

Starting point is 00:02:24 And that's where a lot of the pleasure anatomy actually lives. And you're thinking, wait, I knew that. I think you're in very good company. Because most of us got sex ed that was basically, here's how you get pregnant, here's how you get an SDI, maybe someone put a condom on a banana. Good luck out there. That's about it. We learned almost nothing about pleasure, arousal, how our bodies actually work in life or during sex.

Starting point is 00:02:50 So today I'm giving you the owner's manual we should have gotten years ago. learn the map, stop assuming, read the signals, and keep talking. Because knowing what's actually happening in the body doesn't make you smarter about sex. It makes you better at having it. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctor in human sexuality and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts in the world for over 20 years. It's called Sex with Emily. So let's start with the map.

Starting point is 00:03:16 Okay, step one, learn the map. You do not need a medical degree. I'm not asking you to pass an anatomy exam before you're allowed to. sex. But if you have a vulva or you're having sex with someone who does, I want you to know what you're actually working with. So here's your extremely abbreviated Emily's anatomy class. Vulva outside, vagina, inside. The clitoris is a pleasure organ and that little part you can see is only a small piece of a much larger structure. And underneath all of this is your pelvic floor, this incredible hammock of muscles supporting everything. There, you graduated.

Starting point is 00:03:54 But here's why knowing the map actually changes sex. For a very long time, we've treated penetration like it's the main event. If I said to you, what is sex? You're thinking it's penetration. And then everything else gets called foreplay. And you know I have issues with that word because foreplay makes kissing, touching, oral sex, clitoral stimulation, all this incredible stuff sound like the opening band were politely sitting through while we're. wait for the headliner. And for a lot of people, I get it. Penetration is the headliner. And you know

Starting point is 00:04:31 I have issues with that word because for play makes kissing and touching and oral sex and clitoral stimulation, all this incredible stuff that I love. And for a lot of people, all that stuff is the headliner. Foreplay is the magic. That's, that's good for us. Now, especially when we're talking about clitoral pleasure. So we love it. We love the foreplay. We're not thinking about penetration always. And there's another reason not to rush through it. The body actually changes as it becomes aroused. Blood flow increases. The clitoris becomes engorge. The vulva becomes fuller. The vagina can lengthen and expand. Your body is literally prepping for sexual activity. This is why penetration can feel completely different once someone is actually aroused. You know, I'll hear,

Starting point is 00:05:21 penetration just doesn't feel that good to me. And then we talk about what happens beforehand. It's like, well, we kiss for a minute and then he puts it in. Okay. We may have found the problem. Your body didn't even get the invitation yet. Do you see what I'm saying? You weren't even aroused and you put something inside of you so you actually couldn't feel it.

Starting point is 00:05:40 So not somebody feeling it's sex. That's just timing. So once you understand that you can stop rushing towards the thing you're supposed to, you know, that it's supposed to be real sex, and start paying attention to what actually get your body turned on. That's what we're talking about. Oh, here's another part of learning the map that I want everyone with a vulva to do. Look at yours.

Starting point is 00:06:02 Get them here. I know some of you just physically recoiled. I've told this to women for years and you think I asked them to perform like their own root canal. They're like, you want me to do what? I'm like, take a look at your vulva. It's yours. I just find this fascinating because we can tell you everything about the rest of our bodies. We're always looking in the mirror.

Starting point is 00:06:23 We know what moisturizer looks got at our face. What goes in my hair and how to curl it. You know, we know our serums and our pores and we know our good side for the photo. But like our vulva, it's like mystery guest. We are so disconnected from it. Like, could you pick your vulva out of a lineup? If I had a mile in the wild, would you know which one is yours? We have been taught to examine our pores more closely than our pleasure.

Starting point is 00:06:48 That's just wild to me. and you're not looking at it to judge it. That's the problem. I think a lot of us have an internal, like, we're like self-hating vulva owners. Like we think we're going to be horrified what we see and so we don't even look. But you're not looking to judge it.

Starting point is 00:07:06 You're looking to learn it. Oh, that's where my clitoris is. That's what my labia looks like. That's where I feel more sensation. Because knowing your own map gives you a much better chance of helping someone else navigate it. And that is some of the most important work you have to do. It also allows you to feel more connected to your body and learn what actually feels good to you.

Starting point is 00:07:33 This is why masturbation is so important. You're like, oh, I know how this works. You can actually see yourself becoming engorge if you hold a mirror up when you're getting aroused. It's pretty faking cool. It's like a science project. So that brings me to step two, though. Step two is this. Stop assuming. Okay, now you got the map. Now here's where everybody gets in trouble. We assume someone has sex with a few women and suddenly like, oh, I know what women like. Do you? Because women did not all attend a meeting and agree on all the settings. There's like, there's no like a universal combination of three circles to the left, two flicks to the right. Like lick it twice this way. Like congratulations. You unlock the female orgasm. I mean, that would be. amazing. But everybody is different. Every single body is different. Every person is different. So

Starting point is 00:08:23 whatever made your last partner completely lose her mind might make your current partner say, please stop doing that immediately. That is painful and that hurts. And like, that's fine. They're just different bodies. So instead of coming into sex thinking, I know what's women like, try, I want to learn what you like. Like that sentence alone makes you an incredible lover. women, we expect our partners to somehow know, like what we like. I did this for years. Like, why doesn't you know I want him to slow down? It's like, well, Emily, did you tell them?

Starting point is 00:08:58 No. Like, apparently I was dating sexual psychics or something exclusively. You know, I thought maybe they would just know. Like, no, our partners need information and giving them information. It isn't criticizing them. You know, it's like slower. Stay right there. More pressure.

Starting point is 00:09:17 Don't change it. anything. Those are not complaints. Those are directions. You're helping somebody learn your body. And I get it. I often feel like requests feel like complaints because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But no, you're just literally helping them be a better lover to you. You're helping someone learn your body. And this is where knowing the anatomy starts clearing up some really persistent mess. Okay, first, penetration alone does not make every woman orgasm. For many women, clitoral stimulation is an important part of orgasm. So if penetration alone isn't getting you there, that is useful information about how your

Starting point is 00:09:53 pleasure works. So, you know, we need to know that clitoral stimulation is necessary. It's not about bad penetration. It's like, oh, no, I need some clitoral stimulation and then I'll be good. Second, wetness and arousal and not always perfectly synced. and in fact, they're not often synced. You can be very turned on and that particularly lubricated. Lots of reasons for this.

Starting point is 00:10:21 It could be hormones or medications or stress or menopause, you know, breastfeeding. A lot can affect lubrication, which is why you know my campaign. My campaign, my dream, is a lube on every nightstand. Use it when you need it. Add more when you need more. Make comfort the goal. Make like having what we need around us when we have sex. And while we're clearing out old sex myths, which I love to do, let's get rid of them.

Starting point is 00:10:48 Bigger is not automatically better. We've really got to retire this one. A larger penis is not a first class upgrade, okay? For somebody's more depth feels great and for others it is uncomfortable or even painful. You know, what matters much more is knowing the person you're actually having sex with. Know their rhythms, their responses. What kind of pressure feels good? like when they want more, when they want you to stay exactly where you are and don't stop.

Starting point is 00:11:17 They mean don't stop and they don't mean change it up. Great lovers aren't the people who walk into the bedroom with the most tricks. They're the people paying attention. So stop trying to memorize what women like and just learn that person in front of you. Right? Not the stereotype. Not your ex. You know, whatever worked last time.

Starting point is 00:11:37 This body, this person tonight. Okay. Step three, read the signals. Okay, here's a scenario I've heard some version of approximately 10,000 times. Okay, a couple starts making out. He gets really turned on. He gets an erection pretty quickly. And somewhere in his brain, it's like, great, we're ready to go.

Starting point is 00:11:57 Let's go. Meanwhile, she's thinking, wait, I was really enjoying the kissing. Where are we going? Why are we going so fast? But his erection became the starting gun, right? I can't relate to this. I'm like, oh, he's, he. hard let's go and her body's like, why are we moving so fast? I'm not ready yet. Remember that

Starting point is 00:12:16 whole putting it in when we're not ready? This is so important. This can take, it doesn't have to take years of learning, but you probably do this for a long time and we can unlearn it. This is so important because bodies don't necessarily get aroused at the same speed or in the same way. And for a lot of women, arousal needs more of a runway. Right. The erection leads less of a run. Some men are like, I'm hard and ready to go. And women told time through male's erections. We're like, oh, it must be time because he got an erection. I mean, that was like the most, I didn't even think I had like a need.

Starting point is 00:12:52 I could even speak a need. I was like, well, must be ready to go. If you skip the runway and go straight to penetration, sex can feel uncomfortable or numb or just like meh. And then we make the meh mean something. And then she thinks, why don't I like sex more? But she can't really put her finger on it because she's like, oh, well, starting gun. And he walks away thinking, she's not that into me. And now we've created this entire relationship story out of way,

Starting point is 00:13:23 it might have been a timing problem. Her body wasn't there yet, you know? So slow down enough to notice what gets her body involved. Stay with the kissing. Let things build. Touch her over her clothes. bringing fantasy. Oral sex is great for many, many people with Walvas. Use a vibrator, touch, because honestly, sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is help somebody get out of their like

Starting point is 00:13:49 14 tabs running in their brain and everything else happening in their world because it's really hard if one tab is like, oh my God, this feels amazing. Well, another one is like, did I move the laundry? What am I doing tomorrow? Did I order? dog food is the dog barking. Like sometimes arousal just needs a beat to become the loudest tab. And they think like we have all these tabs. So we just have to work on getting arousal to be the only tab open. This is where something like a vibrator can be really useful because it gives you another

Starting point is 00:14:23 way to explore sensation. And if you're curious about one but don't know where to start, I love the dame palm. And the reason why is because it's super flexible. You squeeze it. You bend it. you play with pressure and placement and it just is like a really it just feels really good on all bodies it's a great one just to have by your nightstand and when you start getting vibrations from whatever vibrator you use sometimes that allows you to close more tabs quickly because you're

Starting point is 00:14:51 like oh like that that is a vibration that feels good and suddenly you're in the moment and you're present and you're like oh I like this so that's what I love vibrators too because it's like Oh, now I know what we're doing. My body's like, oh, it's that time. So that's what I like about that one. But you can really do it with any vibrator. I have a store. You can go to shop sex withemily.com.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Check out all of my favorite toys. I'll also put the link in the show notes. So this is just more about exploring, you know, a little bit more here, a little less here. Oh, that pressure is great. You know, just stay there. That was good. Like, this is, I mean, this is literally how we learned. This is how I learned my entire body.

Starting point is 00:15:32 I knew nothing about my body until my 30s. And then I went to grad school for sex and that was our homework. That was my job for four years was to actually learn my body. You don't have to make it your job, but you should make it your job actually. But you can do it with like not having to take exams. Because listen, great sex is not about memorizing like 27 moves, performing them in an order. It's noticing what happens when you do something and responding to it. Like, that's a great lover.

Starting point is 00:16:01 And reading signals also means knowing when your body is telling you so they need attention. Like we just override these signs. I overrode my signs for years that were just like, oh, I guess I got to keep moving. I didn't even think it was okay to say, oh, I'm not ready yet. I know that your starting gun erection. I just love that. The erection is a starting gun is being start. I never thought like, I could be like, wait, I'm not ready.

Starting point is 00:16:23 There's an enormous range of normal when it comes to vulvas, okay? Labia's come in different sizes and shapes and covers. they're often asymmetrical. So many of us worry that they're not symmetrical. They're not typically symmetrical. They're supposed to look different. They're supposed to change over time. And please don't use porn or Instagram or some just super edited body online as your anatomy

Starting point is 00:16:45 textbook. But there is a difference between different and something that doesn't feel right. Let me say that. You're all the right sizes. Things are great. But if you have pain or burning or bleeding, pelvic pressure, like involuntary tightening, Those are signals worth paying attention to. You don't have to sit through the pain.

Starting point is 00:17:04 You can talk to someone who specializes in sexual health and can help you. It could be a gynecologist, a sexual medicine specialist, a pelvic floor physical therapist. You know, reading your body isn't just noticing pleasure. It's about when your body is asking for care. And finally, keep talking. Please, please, I beg you, stop making sexual communication, something we only do when sex has gone terribly wrong. You know the conversation.

Starting point is 00:17:31 We need to talk about our sex life. Nobody has ever heard that sentence and thought, oh, this is going to be fun. Let's do that. Talk about sex when you're not having sex. Close on. Nobody just got rejected or wanting to find out waiting for the sex to happen. Right?

Starting point is 00:17:49 No one wants a performance review when they're naked is the truth. So one thing you can start doing after sex, which I do approve of. of. Don't ask, was that good? Because you know what you're going to get is, yeah, fantastic. Useful. Case closed. No. Instead, ask, what was your favorite part? Now you learn something. Like, oh, when you kiss my neck. I loved how slow you up. When you pulled me closer, when you did that thing with your hand, oh, now we have data. And over time, you can start creating your own sexual language together. I think about it like a GPS. So you're not memorizing one route and driving it

Starting point is 00:18:31 for the next 20 years. You're checking where you are today. Sometimes it's more pressure. It's slower. Stay right there. And sometimes your partner says recalculating. Okay. You don't throw the GPS out the window and scream like, I'm a terrible driver. You adjust. That sexual communication. If your partner says, can you slow down? That doesn't mean you're bad at sex. It means recalculating. It means here's how to make this sex feel even better for me. It's so valuable. And I think one of the sexiest things you can create in a relationship is the safety to say, not that this. And then, you know your partner's going to crumble and get mad at you and resent you because your partner giving you directions isn't a rejection. It is an invitation to know them better. And that is how

Starting point is 00:19:20 great sex keeps evolving. So what I really want you to take away from all this is yes, justice for the vulva. And yes, the clitoris desperately needs a new publicist. I wish I could be the clitoris. In fact, I think I am the clitoris publicist. By knowing the names of these parts, it's only the beginning. The real skill is learning how your body works, staying curious enough to just keep learning the body of the person you're with. So look, touch, explore, pay attention, say when something feels good, and understand that something that felt amazing last year just might not be what your body wants today.

Starting point is 00:20:01 And that's totally fine. That's being a human being with a body that changes. So learn the map, stop assuming, read the signals, keep talking, because listen, great lovers aren't the people who know everything about sex. They're the people who never stop. paying attention. Your body is always giving you information and the best sex starts when you

Starting point is 00:20:28 actually listen to it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sex withemly.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms as I had into my 21st year. You can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour if you want to check it out. Go to sex with Emily.com. com slash events. Don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.

Sex With Emily - What Nobody Taught You About Vaginas

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