Sex With Emily - What Really Turns You On? Keeping Desire Alive in LTR

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

In this workshop, I'm answering your questions about desire, attraction, turn-ons, fantasies, and sexual connection. We explore why we're attracted to certain people and experiences, how to talk about sex with a partner without creating pressure, what to do when desire changes over time, and why feeling a spark for someone else doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship. Whether you're curious about your own turn-ons, struggling to stay present during sex, or looking to deepen intimacy with a partner, this conversation will help you approach desire with more curiosity, confidence, and self-understanding. This episode is sponsored by BTL: Learn more about the EMSELLA & EXOMIND treatments from BTL at BodyByBTL.com ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply! Chapters: 0:00 Welcome to Sex With Emily 1:48 Understanding What Truly Turns You On 7:34 How to Talk About Sex Without Making It Awkward 12:09 How to Stay Present During Sex 18:01 Why Taking Longer Is Completely Normal 19:43 Taking a Break During Sex Without Killing the Mood 24:25 How Men Can Improve Ejaculation Control 28:31 Why Certain Things Turn You On 34:30 When Fantasy Doesn't Match Expectations 37:30 Different Turn-Ons in Relationships 41:50 Is It Normal to Feel Attraction to Someone Else? 45:54 How to Reignite Emotional Intimacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Sex With Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, your go-to sexologist, helping you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex and reminding you always stay curious. And I have some huge news to start off with. I'm officially going on tour. It's called the Best Sex Ever Tour. And I'm just so excited about it. First show will be right outside of Chicago on July 7th at Zanies Rosemont. Just go to sex withemly.com slash subscribe right now to subscribe to my newsletter and we'll email you more tour info. soon. You can also find the link in the show notes. Okay, let's jump into the episode. Today, we're sharing a previously recorded live Q&A session where we talk about personal desire and how to figure out what truly turns you on, which can feel surprisingly complicated.

But it doesn't have to be. Let's get into it. And reminder, you can also watch all episodes on YouTube on the Sex with Emily channel. Nothing wrong with sports, just not when I'm trying to have sex with you. As long as it's legal and it's safe, nothing's off limits, especially when it comes to own erotic mind. How exciting is that? But I'm in no way saying that you should be turned on by threesomes or you should be turned out by your partner being naked. Like that might not even turn you on. We got to avoid that you need to talk energy because we all know the second someone says we need to talk. We immediately go into fear. So attraction can happen even when you're deeply in love and very committed. A spark is simply a nervous system response saying I felt something. I felt a

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sex withemly.com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Hi, everyone. We did it. Happy New Year, everyone. This is the year. This is our year. And we are all in this together. I'm so happy to see all of you. And welcome. Welcome to the first workshop. So this month's theme is, what turned you on? Okay. So as always, I'm going to be answering your questions that you guys have already submitted here. ahead of this workshop.

But as always, this is a dialogue, this is a conversation. We can always just chat together here. You can send questions or clarifying questions as they come up. I really want this to feel like a dialogue because it is. Hi everyone. So good to see you. Hello, hello, hello. So the theme, what turned you on?

We're talking about desire, okay? Now how to perform, not to have perform, sex, not to fix our desire because nothing is broken, but how it actually works. So a lot of you are, you know, you're asking all the time, like, why am I attracted to this certain thing? Why is my desire change? Why am I really turned on certain times a month or why was I really, you know, turned on a few months ago and I'm not now? Or why do I know what turns me on, but I still question it. I have a lot of judgment around it.

I don't feel normal. I feel like I'm normal. I feel like I'm broken. Not what turns other people on. Not necessarily what turned your partner on. Not what you think should turn you on, but what turns you on? And remember that self-knowledge is a really important pillar of sexual intelligence. You know, it's like what self-knowledge is?

What do I know turns me on? Like, if I looked at my history and I had to do a little deep, And I wanted to think, okay, well, I know when I feel safe, I know that when my, you know, when everything moves really slow sexually and there's like a build up towards arousal, I know that really turns me on. Or sometimes we live in, I know what doesn't turn me on. Like I know like when the TV's on, like I can't have sex to the TV on. I can't.

Like if I hear especially sports, I was dating guy who was really into sports and he was always having the game playing. I'm like, turn it off. I don't want to hear sports. I don't hear the news. Music is great. Playlists and I like are fun, but like distractions are really loud noises. You know, I just, I can't.

I'm out of my head. So I know that that doesn't turn me on. I know if it's really messy in the house, I can't turn it on. I know that if I was about to do something that's just still in my head, like, let me finish this text first, those kind of things. Yeah, so there's little things that maybe you guys could even reflect on. If I asked you, do you know what turns you on right now? what are the top three things that turned you on?

And then if you were to think, what are the top three things that turn you off? Right? So we all know enough just to even get started. Hold on. I have a visitor. I have a guest. Come here, William.

Come here. This guy. This is my little special friend. He's not mine. He's just visiting. This is William. And he's making a lot of noise. Isn't he cute?

He's a little doxy. Okay. read your girlfriend gets that you're always watching sports nothing wrong with sports just not when i'm trying to have sex with you i know he's like you as william okay so so it's interesting to think about it right so if you if anyone wants to chime in here if have any questions about that but that's what i like to think about like what are the three things it turns out are just a great place to start you know because the truth is like your desire and your turn-ons like they're not so random and it's not broken.

So there's nothing wrong with you even if you're not really sure about how your desire works and your turn-ons work. A lot of us were not even taught about how does my desire form? How do I know what are my turn-ons? Where do they come from? And sometimes we lonely learn to judge it because we don't have these open conversations around sex. A lot of us assume that if it's a turn-on of ours, since we've never made, we've never seen it before or even heard about it we assume that something's wrong with us a lot of us come into the sex conversations literally thinking that we are broken or weird or not normal but in all these years

i've heard everything every single thing you can imagine i've never once judged anything i don't think there's a problem as long as it's legal and it's safe nothing's off limits especially when it comes to your own erotic mind how exciting is that that literally everything is on the table this month is not at all telling you like what you should want. It's about understanding why you want what you want. I'm not telling you what to want. I might be giving you some ideas and suggestions about how to find it, but I'm no way saying that you should be turned on by threesomes or you should be turned on by kinky sex or you should be turned on by your partner being naked. Like that might not even turn you on. There are no rules to this. So there's a lot of wisdom to understanding our desire even when it changes.

So when we learn to listen to our desires without trying to change it, without trying to fix it, without judging it, then our pleasure becomes much more specific and intentional and grounded in a place to grow from rather than a place to fix. So that's how I'd like us all to think about our turn-ons when we're starting out this month and starting out, starting out this year. Okay, we're getting cozy here and we're getting settled in. So if you have any questions around that, we can, we can, I can answer them here. I can just get into the questions that have been submitted beforehand, but you can add anything you'd like. So somebody asked, how do you keep the sex conversation with your partner going without making it feel like a work meeting? Okay, so we don't want to sound like an agenda ahead of time, right? We don't want to be like, okay, we need to talk.

We got to avoid that we need to talk energy because we all know the second someone says we need to talk. We immediately go into fear, maybe fight or flight, maybe we shut down, but we really want to avoid that energy. You can use playful texts to spark desire and anticipation. Like I've been so excited for our dinner this week. I have so many fun things I want to talk to you about. It also helps to talk about all these things outside the bedroom. You know, when you're going for a walk or you're on a, you know, in the car, on a road trip or having coffee. Just think about the times in your life where the pressure is a lot lower, right?

It's not when you're in the middle of rushing to work or you're right during sex or right after sex when you're like, that didn't turn me on, this turns me on. That's why we really want to focus these conversations outside the bedroom. Now, one of my favorite, favorite tips is the compliment sandwich. The compliment sandwich is when we start with praise. Praise is the first layer of bread. And we'd start with, hey, I really am loving how connected our sexes felt lately. And you could give it, it's really good to get specific.

I really loved how we took all Saturday morning without having to jump out of bed and do something. that felt so connected to me. And then we've got the middle layer. That's where the desire or the request comes in. And I really thought if we spent some time exploring each other, you know, if we really spent some time, fill in the blank, it could be talking about our sex lives more frequently, filling out the yes-no-mabody list, going shopping for a sex toy,

going into sex therapy together, whatever it is. That's the request. So you do what you love about your sex life. That's the praise. And I really think if we went shopping for some sex toys or, you know, adding some things to our sex life, that could really make it hot. And then we end with the praise. The last layer of bread is the praise. We were like, and I really think that our connection would be even hotter if we found some mutual ways to explore our turn-ons.

So that's the compliment sandwich. We never want to go and just with a request. Because if I went in with like, hey, let's go shopping for sex toys. That's the first thing that came to me. your partner might say well what's been lacking aren't i enough right so when we really want to like load in the praise that's one way to do it so we also want to frame our wants and our desires as turn-ons not as critiques so even with the compliment sandwich as you heard i i wrapped it up with i think if we did this the request, it would be really wonderful for both of us. So you want to build it into a place where

you're showing that this is going to be great for our lives. This is really a big turn on for me. I think it'll be a turn on for both of us. Use games. I love sex dice, which you roll the dice and one side of the dye is like a body part. And then the other side is like an action word. So it's like touch, lick, bite, kiss, and then it's like the other die says feet, hands, mouth, right? So there's just all these tools. Yes, no, maybe this is great. Just to keep it light. If you don't even know where to go with it, just play some sex games together.

Also, turn talk into foreplay. Be like, in lieu of our anticipation of our weekend getaway, I thought we could start talking about, like, what we're going to do that's a little bit different or where we want to play. You know, it's not homework. And then, like, think, like, quick, flirty, fantasy, not, like, really long explanations or being on the defense. It's just like, you're thinking about it as a collaboration. How can we be collaborators in our sex life together? Because it really is a collaboration.

We never want to feel, which is common, that we're the only ones pulling this giant boulder up the hill that is our sex life. It definitely has to feel like a good collaboration. Okay, William, you can go. So that was the first question. All right. The second question that came in is this. My question is about how to get out of my head and be fully present with my partner.

I don't do checklists. I'm fully into the sex. Meaning she's not like thinking or he's not thinking about, oh gosh, I got all these things to do today. This person's really, I don't fit the gender. And let's try to include gender if we can. If you guys suddenly to announce me, I just love to know your gender and your age. It's helpful. I'm fully into the sex. I just need to get quiet and go into my head, sometimes in fantasy, to find satisfaction. I'm conscious of how long it takes me to find pleasure. I'm happy to go however long for their pleasure, but I get uncomfortable if I'm taking too long. Is there a fix that helps me just get into the sensations regardless of the outcome? Okay. So the first thing is you're basically thinking about this is more of a first pillar of

sex IQ question. This is more about embodiment. How do I become fully embodied during sex? So I am present to the sensations in my body and I'm not living in fantasy in my head. So how do you quiet your mind and give you the permission to focus on sensations, not performists? So one of the tips for this, one of my top tips for this is to really think about your senses. Because If you want a more full-bodied and body, full-bodied experience, it helps to think about, like, what am I smelling? What am I tasting? What am I hearing? You know, I'm smelling that candle.

You know, I'm feeling the sheets on my body or my partner's hands on my body. I'm hearing that playlist. I'm not listening to sports. So that really helps us to focus on the sensations. And it really, when we do that, it allows us to immediately become more in our body. and less in our heads because when you focus on the senses, you really can't be in anxiety or fear or the past or the present. You can use your fantasy strategically. So you can still have, listen, a lot of us go into fantasy when we want to experience sex, when we're having sex.

We're thinking about a really hot moment we've had. We're fantasize. Basically, we're fantasizing. And while that is effective, it's an effective tool or it's efficient. tool. It might not be the outcome you want. So strategically let your mind wander. That can certainly enhance our arousal. That can sort of bring us into arousal, but try to bring it back to touch and sensation. So maybe in the past, you were always in fantasy, the entire sexual experience. Now you practice with being in fantasy becoming back a sensation. Okay, I'm in my mind, but now I'm going to go back

and so, wow, this feels really good. So this way, you're meeting your body. You're in your mind with and you're going back into your body. Because fantasy is really a head more in our head experience. So this way we are moving it back into sensation. Now, we've got to let go of that timing pressure, because pleasure isn't a race. Your pace is valid.

I can't emphasize that enough how many of us worry about that we're taking too long. I would say my entire, the entire first half of my sexual experiences, you know, the first, is that true? I'm trying to think I'm doing this for 20 plus years. And so 20 years before that, I was sexual. And so, yeah, I would say maybe 18 years before that. So now I think the first half of my sexual experience, I mostly worried about how long it was taking me to reach orgasm, to get into arousal. And can you just see that that? experience of thinking about the time it's taking me is completely taking me out of the moment. Like I wasn't present towards any of my sexual experiences, maybe in the first few minutes.

But then I'd be like, okay, I'd be looking at the clock. I'd be like, I can remember the clock in my boyfriend's room being like, remember those blinking, those clocks? People don't have clocks as many as much, much as more, the fact that we had clocks. And I remember those blinking lights, those little dots that you'd see. And I'm like, oh, God, there was so much pressure. Like the time was clicking. And it'd be like, okay, now it's 10.10. Now it's 10.20.

It's been 10 minutes doing math. I'm doing math during sex. Okay. So your pace is valid. However long it's taking you is completely valid. We don't, you know, again, what we see in porn, what we think is true, is that like everyone's aroused at the same time. everyone's orgasming at the same time, but that's just not the reality we live in.

I'll remind you of the orgasm gap that for women, it takes anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm. And for women, it takes about between like, I have to open the door and the daughter, about men can take between 8 and 12 minutes and women are like 20 to 4 minutes. So we have a gap. Okay? It's okay to take that long. And what something you can do if you're with a partner who's worried about it, you can

the best thing you can do, I've said this to you before, is, hey, babe, we've gone all night. I'm not going anywhere. Just lay back. I want to enjoy the sex with you. Like, that immediately takes the time pressure off if your partner says to you, I'm not worried about time. We've got nothing else to do. Now, of course, there are times that you do have something else to do, and then maybe you choose wisely or you choose intentionally what kind of sex you're going to engage in. But again, the timing thing is real. If you're somebody who, you're somebody who, you're somebody who, worried about how much time you take, communicate with your partner, you know, share that you enjoy lingering and exploring and taking the time to really feel things. And when things feel rushed,

it really takes you out of the moment. And that really reduces expectations and the pressure. And the other thing to do is to practice presence. Because presence, being present is a practice. It is the muscle that we have to continually continuously practice. So deep breathing, grounding, practicing mindfulness really helps you stay embodied. I've spent a lot of years studying, practicing deep breathing. And I probably talk about this in every single workshop we do because it is such a cornerstone and such an important part of my sexual health, my mental health, my physical health. Like when I'm exercising, I learn to breathe through my nose more deep breathings where your

exhales are longer than you're a little bit longer than your inhale. So it's just if you guys, you know, this might be a great year to explore breathwork. There's so many apps, meditation apps. You could probably just go to YouTube and say breathwork exercise, just practicing breathing. You can't do it wrong. You can just practice how you feel. And breathwork for me is a very, for me, it's such a important tool for anxiety, calming my nervous system.

I use it for everything. So add that to your list, a little bit of breathing. Nina asks, thank you, Nina. I've been feeling awkward about taking a break if I'm in my head during sex. Is there a way to say, can we take a break without ruining their experience? Great question, Nina. Such a great question. How do you take a break?

Yes. A lot of says, Elena says, oh, that's a great question, Nina, how to take a break without killing the vibe? So first off, let me paint the picture why we don't think it's okay to take a break. I think we're told that if we take a break or we've learned that like, and maybe we've even had this experience. If we're with men, I think if we're with a male partner, there is a different way that it's sort of been ingrained. At least, I don't know if this is the same for you, Nina and is it Elena, Elena, Elena, beautiful name. that if we stop the flow, if arousal is going and we're going, that if I stop, they're going to lose their erection, we're going to kill the moment, and maybe, like, I remember when I, in my younger

years or my pre-stacked with Emily years, I would get up and go to the bathroom and they'd be like, oh, God, because truly, if you're a man, you can't, like, it is, for them, it's a little bit more about momentum and keeping the erection going, and they also have fear around losing their because sometimes if they lose their erection, it's harder to get back. And I just thought that it like was like that that sex was linear. Like you'd start it and you had to keep going until orgasm. And that is really such a common belief. So I want to say that that none of that is the world that we have to live in.

It's okay to stop sex. And so it's okay to take a break. In fact, like it's we have to take a break. We want to take a break. So Nina, to answer your question first, you're used to taking a break if I'm in my head during sex. A great way to do that and what I personally done is if I found that the sex, because let's talk about, we'll want to take a break. Like, yeah, sometimes you got to go to the bathroom and now I have no shame. I'm like, I'm going to the bathroom or I'm turning off the TV. I'm locking the

door because I get so distracted. I'm like, wait, I got to move this thing or I got to move the candle or, you know, that's fine. But if you got to go to the bathroom, you're like, I'll be right back and going to the bathroom. But sometimes I found that I'm having sex with a partner and And it went, somehow I found myself really in my head, worried about something. Maybe it went too fast. It was like, how did we all of a sudden up end up here? So I'll just say in this, I'll try to this like, I'll take a deep breath. I'll like, wow, this feels so good.

Can we just slow it down for a minute? Let's take a few deep breaths together. I'm feeling like I just want to really like take in this moment. Let's just slow it all down. Okay, I'm just going to, just join me. Let's take a few deep breaths. And after a while, my partner knew or after one time, he was like, okay, let's take some breaths together. So I just think, okay, we just breathe together or maybe we continue to touch.

Or I would just say, hey, let's go back to kissing for a minute. That felt really good. So I would redirect it back to where I needed it. And so by that way, we're not ruining an experience. We're not even ruining their experience because if you think about it, well, their experience might be amped up. our partners who want to be great lovers to us also want us to feel good. So by saying, let's just turn this down a bit. Let's just, I mean, thinking about it, when we're working out,

sometimes we're going really hard. We're like, I need to stop and take a breath. And then you come back to the working out. So sex is the same thing. So I think just saying, let's take a breath for a minute. And I think we also, an important point in here is that we want to use our words. We want to communicate too, because what could happen is when we stop suddenly, our partner might think, I'm doing something wrong.

She's no longer attracted me. I've hurt her something. So we actually want to be like, oh, babe, I'm just, this is just, this feels really good, but it's just kind of going fast for me. Or I just need to calm for a minute. Let's do it together. So that's what I recommend. I actually don't think it kills the vibe.

If anything, what I found when I take intentional pauses during sex, it actually brings us closer together. Because sometimes sex starts off and you're connected, but then you're both in your own experiences. So for me, it's like been a really grounding experience. And I've taught this to, you know, thousands of people. And I've heard from many people. This works for them as well. So again, it's just like unlearning that we were told that it wasn't okay to stop sex. Okay. Like sometimes you got to get up and get a glass of water. You got to leave the room. Like, you know, sex could last all day. You could be like, this was really fun, but should we

go make a sandwich? Like there are no rules here. Okay. We get to, we get to set our own rules that feels good for us. If you have any questions about that, Let me know, Nina. And Elena, if you have anything else to add to that or if that's clarified, let me know. Great question. Really great question. What is your advice for struggling with ejaculation control? So ejaculation control is typically I hear this from men who ejaculate before they want to.

So they feel like they don't have control over when they're going to ejaculate. It's really common and very fixable with practice. So first is some work you want to do on your own. And that's just deep, slow breathing, especially outside the bedroom. This is a great practice to do during your solo sex time. You want to learn deep breathing to stay calm during high arousal. And I recommend the stop-start method where you start getting aroused and then you stop. So one thing you can do is you can do it solo and that's just, it's basically doing

kegles for men. So kegles, kegles, however you say it. For men, it's when you stop and start the flow of urine and for women too. It's exactly the same. And so you want to get close when you're master, well, first off, doing caggles is just important. You can do those. I'm combining two thoughts here. your pelvic floor. So you're just tensing and relaxing. You're tensing and relaxing and you're breathing in and you're breathing out and you're doing it for maybe five minutes a day. And that's helping you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles that are responsible. So to do kegles, you do five to 10 second holds, you do 10 reps three times a day. And that's what it is. You strengthen and control your stamina. There's also the stop start method, which is the other thing I wanted to explain. So first

are kegles. Do you know a traffic light, download an app. I used to have an app called Kagle Camp. It's no longer in the store. But it was an app that I developed in 2010 because I thought it was so important that we all remember to do our Kegel exercises. So the stop-start method is when you are masturbating until the point you're about to go over. So you're practicing ejaculatory control on your own. So you're masturbating. If 10 is ejaculation, one is not aroused at all. You get to about a seven or eight. So you're masturbating, masturbating, masturbating. You're about to go over and have an orgasm and you bring yourself back down to a two. Then you bring yourself back up to an eight, then back down to a two.

And you keep doing that until then you allow yourself to go over to have the orgasm. But that way you're starting to notice like when do I get close to arousal? What could help me get, have more control of it? Strengthen your pelvic floor certainly helps. And then with a partner, you could also save those positions for last, the ones where you are prioritizing your partner's pleasure, you're prioritizing for play, and then you're bearing the rhythm and you're avoiding rushing, right? We all know those positions where we're going to have that orgasm. And then finally, I always recommend promessant. It's the only

delay spray I've ever worked with, and you apply it 10 to 15 minutes before longer, before sex for longer lasting control without, you don't have numbness, but it is a delay spray that has some like lydicane that's just slightly numbing, but men have been said to last up to 65% longer in bed. It might even be longer than that. But it's a really effective way. And I also think, like anything, using a tool like that in conjunction with doing the work and doing the exercises is the way to go. Just like therapy and medication is the way to go. I think Promasset will work, but also learn to get more comfortable in your own body and understand your own control. So it's a great, it's a great question.

Okay. All right, before we get back to the episode, let's have a little real talk about something we usually keep behind closed doors, and that is leaking. All right, whether it's during a workout, a good laugh, or even during sex, it's incredibly common, especially having kids. But listen to me, it is not something you have to just live with. Your pelvic floor is the foundation of your core. your bladder control and your sexual function.

And just like any other muscle, there are ways to strengthen it, like making sure you do your kegol exercises. Well, I've been using the Mcellar chair by BTL for years. You literally just sit on the chair fully clothed for 27 minutes and the it's equivalent of doing 12,000 cagels. It's crazy. And seriously, such an easy way to strengthen your pelvic floor. So you feel supported, in control,

and way more confident in your body. But we know pleasure isn't just physical, it's mental too. So that's why I'm also loving BTL's exomind. It's an FDA cleared non-invasive therapy that uses transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS, which has been around for years, but they've innovated on it. It sends targeted magnetic pulses to enhance neuroplasticity and mental wellness. These sessions take about 20 to 30 minutes and help with mood, clarity, and emotional balance. so you just feel more regulated.

So when you support your body with Emcella and your mind with ExoMind, you're really setting yourself up for success. Listen, you deserve to feel present in your pleasure and you're going to love how you feel with these treatments. I know I do. To learn more about these super innovative treatments, head over to bodybybtl.com

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It's like 77 degrees, you guys. I don't want to brag. But it's really nice. Okay. Here's one. Why am I attracted to things I don't fully understand? Anyone relate to this? So why are we attracted to things that make no sense to us?

Why am I attracted to panty-hose? why am I attracted to somebody talking on a stage? Why am I attracted to people who wear a uniform? Why am I attracted to this certain accent, right? Like we have a million questions. Why am I attracted to redheads? Why am I attracted to blue eyes? Why am I attracted to this color red?

So attraction often forms through lived experiences. So things that have happened in our life when our eroticism was formed. A lot of times it's when we're younger or we're going through people. and we're just developing, deep emotional imprints that also might have formed during childhood and subconscious associations. So it doesn't need to be logical. It doesn't have to be a logical reason for the desire to be valid. It basically means that your nervous system got linked up and learned something meaningful for your arousal even if your mind hasn't cut up for a good. So what do I mean by this? A lived experience. So maybe there was a time when you were someone

you might even remember it where you know you saw somebody with red hair and they were really really helpful for you you might have been a lot of this stuff that we found and again we haven't spent a lot of time studying turn-ons and eroticism with like we haven't spent a lot of money or time or research in these areas but what I can tell you from the research that has been done is that a lot of these experiences were developed during times that we were maybe in a heightened state of arousal or just a heightened aroused state. It could have been excitement. It could have been joy.

It could have been pleasure. It might even have been fear. It might have been anxiety. But something got linked up in our brains and our nervous system where seeing this object or this person immediately linked up to our eroticism and our arousal. And so now we associate these things with a turn-on. So now that's what I often say for people who are like, why do I like panty hose, for example? It's like, well, maybe you had a t-shirt, a teacher when you were like in second grade and you might not even remember it, but this teacher was really nurturing to you.

And maybe there was a moment where you saw your teacher wearing panty hose, bend over and do something. And in your mind, you were like, here's someone I feel safe and trust with, who I feel safe with and I trust, but they're also wearing panty hose. And you didn't even know what's happening. And in your brain, it got tucked into your brain nervous and that panty hose are arousal. So that's a lot of times how it happens. Or maybe it's much more obvious than that. Maybe you're like, yeah, my first partner had red hair. My first crush was wearing a suit, right? So these, this is where our attraction forms it's lived experiences or emotional imprints or subconscious associations and so i think the more we just rest into that and not try to change it not try to fix it not try to judge it but say okay now i know i have these attractions think about all the energy now that we've released that we don't need to fix it or need to be valid we can now be like how can i fulfill these fantasies how can i have more of these images or sex acts or beliefs, how can I integrate them into my sex life in a healthy way, right?

So that's it. So when this question came in, I read it, tracked it to, and I went to the things that are most commonly that I've heard of. But if there's other things that that didn't cover for you all, feel free to pop it in the chat or ask me any questions about that. but that's that's my that's the understanding of these things so again the less we spend in fixing it and the why of it all the more we're like how can i lean into what i know is i'm attracted to that's when we start having more pleasure that's when we start having more fulfilling sex life

and meaningful relationships all right and healthy relationships that don't feel like we're hiding something and we're like living a secret life because we can't share this with our partner because I know there's a lot of shame sometimes around what we're attracted to we feel so bad around it or less than I mean I'm going to tell you something that I really believe that if we added up all the all the feelings that he will have around sex like a lot of it is in the suffering realm it's like feeling bad about our desires our arousals I'll turn on and if we could just flip those around into like no I want to feel I'll actually like I noticed that I'm feeling a lot of lack or a lot of judgment around my sex life. But I'm going to, the minute I realize myself

doing that, I'm going to flip it into what I can do to enhance my sex life. If the same thing is like having like a gratitude practice, the reason why they work is because a lot of us spend our mind in what's wrong and lack and what we don't have. It's just the human experience of like, what do I need to feel safe? And so it's the same mind thing of like, okay, I'm thinking lack. I'm thinking shame I'm thinking whatever okay enough with that what can I do to have more arousal attraction and figure out my turn on this year so just sort of shifting it or adding to it so we have a little bit more in the area of healthy support for our own arousal and attraction and a little less a little more a little less of like the heavy weighted shame stuff okay anything else here

I got another question lined up unless anybody was inspired here to add anything to this okay Here is another one. Okay. This one's very similar to the last one. So I'll just add on to here. What turns me on doesn't match what I think I should want. How do I reconcile these feelings? So the gap that we have usually comes from outside expectations.

What we see in our culture, what we see in movies, what we see in porn, you know, past relationships. Well, my last partner thought I wanted these things. so isn't that what I should want? Gender roles, the family messages, or what we were told is normal and acceptable, which, by the way, what we were told is normal and acceptable is very, very narrow.

It's like missionary sex, 3.2 times a week, maybe oral sex. Like, that's about it. So, again, that's where the gap comes from. But our desire, our true intrinsic desire that defines who we are is not formed on rules

from what society, thinks or the ideals of society. It's really, as you can see, comes from our own knowing and our own systems. So if what turns you on isn't lining up with what you think you should want, it doesn't mean that your desires are wrong. It means that you're in a place of noticing that these two areas just simply don't match up. It means that my conditioning, the conditioning that brought me to where I am today is no longer my truth. It's bummed. up against my truth. It's like, okay, thank you for all those years to tell me that, but that no longer serves me, right? So, so knowing that, knowing that it just, even noticing

those conditions is like a huge relief. It takes a big weight off. So desire, it's not like these instructions that are we supposed to follow or judge along. So if you treat it like, like, okay, I'm noticing that, you know, to go back to the question, I'm noticing that it's not matching up to what I think is true. This is such a great way to like, okay, good noticing. Let me get curious rather than critical. I mean, honestly, that is like a tip for life. How do I get curious and compassionate rather than critical?

Like, it's the antidote every single time. Like, the second we are critical, let's get curious. What also could be true? What also might be the answer? What else might be my turn-ons? Because when we are more curious, we'll have more self-trust, we'll be open to what's possible, and we'll have more pleasure and that is truly aligned to who we are today. So that's how it builds. That's how we get rid of the shoulds and into like what you actually want.

Okay, here's another one. What turns my partner on isn't exactly the same as what turns me on. It's nothing crazy, but I want to be able to meet him where he is. Am I allowed to just do it for him? Huge question. Really, really common question, too. So just real quick, so common that we're just like, well, I'm going to say it again, though. What turns my partner on isn't exactly the same as what turns me on.

This is just so common. nothing crazy, but I want to meet him. Am I allowed to just do it for him? Like, yes, you can always do something for your partner as long as it's a choice, as long as it feels aligned with your body. When you check in with yourself, do you feel safe doing it? It's not, but, you know, it's not like an obligation. It's not self-betrayal. If you're like, I actually want to do this thing for my partner because he's let me know that this feels good to him. But desire is very rarely identical or even like identical to our partners at all like it's very sometimes it is sometimes we have the same turn-ons but they don't have to be identical for us to be compatible lovers so it's

really more about okay it's okay if we have some overlap and the willingness to matter like to see like i'm going to try this i'm going to get curious about it so so i think the big thing here is if you're not the same i think it's okay to do it just for him again it's not self-abandoning in but ask yourself how does it feel in your body to meet them in there if you're like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna do this thing or i'm gonna say this thing like check in is it a yes or is it a no your body's response will tell you everything if it's a huge no and it's going to cause you distress well then i say don't do it at all so and just because you're doing something for your partner, it doesn't mean that you're ignoring your needs.

But I also think it's, I would, my follow-up question to this is, is, do you also know what you need and what your requirements are? Because then it can feel like, okay, well, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to wear this thing for my, I'm going to wear this dress for my partner that they've told me really turns me on. It's really uncomfortable. I don't think it's particularly sexy, but I know when I wear this outfit while we're having sex, when I keep shoes on during sex, when I keep these heels on during sex, I know what's going to turn my partner on. So what's a big deal? I'm going to wear heels. He thinks he's to turn on. That's fine. I actually don't. Great. But then I would say, okay, I did that thing,

but what do I need? Like, what would make me feel the sexiest? Like, what do I need for my partner now? And this is when we can really go, okay, I actually need a little bit more arousal. I need more foreplay. I need more discussions outside the bedroom. I need my partner to be okay with using a toy with me. It would make me feel so free if my partner said, you know what, I'll go down on, you know, let's let me perform oral sex on you without you having to do anything to me, right? So we really get to think about it. Like, you know, again, I think relationships are foundationally built on us willing to do things for our partner and then willing to do things for us. I just want to make sure that it's equitable, that you're also getting your.

needs met. And I think that as women, I hate to gender things. I really try not to, but I found this to be more common for women, that we often are doing maybe more for our partners because they have a little bit more maybe like ideas about things they might want because of what they've seen or what they've had. And sometimes, you know, we're like going along with it. But then we haven't really thought, well, what do I want? Okay. So, but again, We all have it, no matter what your gender. We actually all, you know, a lot of us, we want to make our partner feel good, but not at the expense of our own pleasure.

That's what I have to say about that. Okay. I love these questions. These are such a great way to set up the what turns us on month, right? Thank you all for being here and for joining us, for joining me and joining each other. Okay. So we've got another question here. I'm really in love with my girlfriend.

She's amazing in so many ways. But I heard the butt coming. I recently met someone and had this initial spark that felt like I was betraying my girlfriend. I'm not going to act on it, but I wanted to know why this person sparked something in me. Okay, I'm in love with my girlfriend. Okay. So you're in a relationship with someone and you met somebody else that made you feel a spark. Okay.

can we just normalize that that happens? That happens to many of us in relationships. We are human beings walking the earth with a lot of the things that are going to spark our attraction, our arousal, our desire all the time. I mean, I honestly think that this should be in our wedding boughs if we get married. Like, I might be attracted to someone else sometimes

and that's going to be okay. I don't know. I don't know if it goes in the vows, because how's your grandpa going to feel about it? But my point of saying that is this is the most normal thing in the world, but we feel so bad and guilt about it. So attraction can happen even when you're deeply in love and very committed. A spark is simply a nervous system response saying, you know, wow, I felt something.

I felt a tingle. It's not a relationship verdict that you should break up with your partner. You know, when we see something novel, new, attractive, it activates the brain very differently than if we're with a long-term attention. attachment. So if we're in a long-term relationship and we see something new, exciting, out of the blue when we get that little spark, that's going to happen. We are, again, walking through Earth every day seeing different things. So it doesn't mean that something's missing with your partner. It doesn't mean that you got to break up with your partner. It doesn't even mean

that you need to tell your partner desire is information. It's not an instruction to do anything else. So I think once I noticed this, I remember talking to somebody once, working with somebody once, and he was like, every time I leave the house, I find I see somebody, he worked in a big office building. I think he was in finance. And he was like, every time I see somebody, I'm in the elevator. And he was married. He's like, I get in the elevator. And the woman riding up for me, I've already pictured her naked as my wife on vacation with her and what our children would look like. And then, like, a few hours the next day, I'm at lunch and someone's at lunch, and I'm like,

oh, my God, she's the whatever, you know, she's going to be, you know, I can't wait to take her to Barbados. And we could actually get to the point where we were kind of laughing about it or like noticing, like, that's just information. That just means that you're, you have a super charged, a super creative arousal system that really is able to eroticize people that you don't even know and create a spark, create something interesting, create this thing. Now, it wasn't like he was chasing these girls down the elevator and, like, getting their numbers, but he was, like, really concerned about it. But again,

this is information. So what could we know from this? Wow, when I saw that person, that was really hot. Is there a way that we can take that? And it's ours. And how do we, like, integrate it and be like, that might be really hot to, like, you know, bring it into my next sex session with my partner. Like, maybe you saw someone wearing something or doing something. And maybe the next next. me with a conversation you're like I think it'd be really hot to you know like let's see what it is like have a conversation or watch porn that reflects this certain scenario or maybe it's just something that you're like that felt really good to still feel alive and still feel attraction but sometimes arousal is just like I'm alive I'm feeling this and maybe you can turn that into I can't wait to see my

partner tonight like it was just fun being aroused on a Tuesday walking down the street or to feel a spark, right? And to feel that spark just like, God, but I'm so grateful for my partner, and these are all the ways I can bring it back to my relationship. So again, it doesn't mean. It's just information, but not instructions. Okay, we've got one more question. Okay, Ben, thank you. My boyfriend are together all the time, but I have not really been feeling connected lately. How do I create emotional closest when we're spending so much time together? That is so, so such a great question. Like you were living with someone, you're waking up with them, there's no separation, maybe you're both working at home. It's really hard to build arousal when you are

living in the same space. So emotional closeness can really come from spending time outside the house, creating date night, creating experiences where you're having conversations together that light you up. So, you know, I always love like one of you plans the night or the date. I even hate the term date night because people like it's like date night but you plan an adventure and you're like like what what would can you remember the last time you can just think about that but like you did feel like what makes you feel emotionally close what makes you feel connected do that you know maybe it's when you go hiking together or share an experience together or read a book together or go watch a movie or go to do something that's outside the house you make a meal together you learn something new you have a

conversation. So sometimes it's just that we are not, we're just expecting the spark to still be there when we haven't watered it. We haven't nurtured it. So the spark can come from again, it's novelty. It's something new. What could you do that's new that you guys haven't done together before? What could you do that spontaneous? Sometimes spontaneity really drives our arousal. So is there some, like, could you tell your partner that you planned a special outing on Friday night and you're like, just wear it, bring a coat, bring a jacket, and we're leaving or like dress sexy or whatever that means. And so it's like novelty, spontaneity, something new, something you've never tried. So just kind of try to think about those things that could really help you feel more aligned.

But these again, if I said, no, you're going to say that's effort and I don't want to, you know, but yeah, like it spark, listen, the spark is fueled by newness and excitement and desire. You're both, think about how like we actually build a fire. Like I think about like breathing into it and sparking it. We're constantly sending oxygen to the fire if you're building a fire, right? We're constantly building like I think about like when I used to build camp fires and you're blowing on it on the what's it called the kindling and you're like the flame. The flame is going hotter and hotter.

But when you live together, you're putting out the flame one by one. You're like, okay, well, we woke up together. We're in our pajamas all day. We're not making effort. And that flame, you're no longer blowing in the flame. you're dampening the flame, right? So the fire is going out of your relationship. So what can you infuse in it to create that spark again? And this is the work of being in a relationship. This happens to every relationship, no matter where we live, no matter what we're from, no matter our gender,

no matter how old we are, no matter how attracted we were to each other in the beginning, no matter how perfect our lives are other ways. Even if you have everything you've ever wanted and your partner is the most perfect person in the world and your very best friend and the list goes on. Just because all those things are true, if you guys are not constantly fueling the flames of desire, you are not going to have those sparks that you all crave and desire. Okay, all, that's what we got time for today. I hope you all feel a little bit more turned on about what turned you on, heading into 2020. Please keep sending your questions and keep joining us. We have some really

exciting things in store for you this year. All right, lots of love and happy new year.