Sex With Emily - What to Know About Your ‘O’

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

On today’s show, Emily’s talking all about women’s orgasms – how to recognize them, how to stop faking them, and of course, how to have them. She discuss everything you ever needed to know about a woman’s orgasm, ways to give a top-notch handjob – because they never go out of style, and what to do when you can ONLY get off with a partner and you just want to have some successful self-love. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Hot Octopus, Magic Wand, We-Vibe, Foria, and SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking all about women's orgasms. How to recognize them, how to stop faking them because I know you do, and of course, how to have them. Topics include everything you ever need to know about a woman's orgasm, but were too afraid to ask, or I don't know, maybe you thought you knew what you didn't know, we're gonna clean up all those myths. Ways to give a top, not hand job, because they never go out of style and it's my job to bring it back. What to do when you can only get off with a partner and not by yourself? That happens. And how much do women actually care about men's physical appearance? We're gonna get into it. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. You can go to sexandmwe.com, we're updating the website currently and it's going to be awesome. I'm so excited. You can also, you know, you can find podcasts literally everywhere now. Spotify, our heart radio, Google Play. We love when you subscribe and iTunes, you guys, that really helps us.

We can continue to bring you three shows a week, which has been so fun and comments. We like that too. Also check me out in Series XM Radio stars, channel 109, Monday through Friday, five to seven PM. You get a free trial for Series XM at sexwithmly.com slash SXM and I'm sure you're already following us on social media, because I wouldn't you, because we're fun at Sex and Emily cross the board

and we're doing a lot of fun giveaways for Valentine's Day but even after that we got a whole new I'm here with Jamie. Hello my producer we've got this is like the year of giveaways. It's gonna be like we didn't we've had some stuff to give away and now we've got a plan for it because I want to give pleasure to the people as much as I can. Yeah and it's it's the year for it, because I want to give pleasure to the people as much as I can. Yeah, and it's the year for it. So we're going to go full throttle. It is the year for it. Okay, guys.

So also, speaking of which, for ya, awaken giveaway. We're going to give away four bottles of for ya, awaken. From now until Valentine's Day, you can email feedback at section mle.com, subject for ya, giveaway. So here's the about for ya So Jamie I just got in here. We didn't have a chance to talk but I actually used it this weekend I had a whole weekend of getting my sex products toys Loops organized and surrounding my bed and charge plugged in ready for action for is amazing

Like I know that it is the Wagen. You gotta just try it, the CBD pre-loom. And I had used it, but it'd been a while since I regularly had it there. And I remember, like I love it. And I was like, oh, I've explained to you guys it. Like it's like you put it on like 20 minutes before sex or before for me masturbation, some self-love time. And it's just like, because then you're like,

okay, well, I'm not gonna master it. It gets like sets the tone. So then I'm sitting there and I'm like thinking about sex, I'm getting my, I'm getting into the mood and then it like, it does, it feels tingly and it's relaxing. Okay, nice. So we're doing a contest. Include your name.

I just wanted to tell them that I'm excited about. Oh no, you should, I mean, that sounds great. So include your name. Jamie loves to get, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And then, this is the other thing, I know we have to get into the show. Woo, more play, give away.

And I don't know if I've talked to you guys about this lately. Have I, James? Woo, more play. Oh my god, you guys, it is amazing. I'm so glad that we finally got them here in the office because you guys know the skinny confidential. Michael Lauren have a great podcast. They've been on the show a few times.

And I just, they are the coolest couple and they're entrepreneurs and they talk about, she's like, all, she's like head in with all the beauty products and knows everything. And the way she talks about she's authentic, she's cool and her husband, Michael, and they like work together or they're building an empire. So anyway, long story short, last year,

they're like, we're making this coconut love oil. It's called, we won't play and she sent me a bottle. And it is also massage oil. And so when you use it, first of all, all these natural ingredients, when you use it, it moisturizes into your skin and you don't have to reapply. And it like makes your whole body feel good and taste good. And it's brilliant.

And I just want you guys to know about it. So it's complicated, but we're giving it away. You can follow me on Instagram at Sex with Emily. Then you take a screenshot of you listening to the show, wherever you listen, upload it to your story, tag it at Sex with Emily right one sentence and while you love the podcast. That's it. And then we're going to uploaded to your story, tag it at the section of the Emily Wright One sentence and why you love the podcast. That's it, and then we're gonna put in our story, choose a couple of people to win, we'll more play.

That's what got for you. Cause I used it on myself, James, like it was my whole weekend of pleasure. Oh, I can't leave shower with it on my body and then my skin was all smooth from this. Like I'm next level. That sounds so smart, after like a steam shower, you can really feel it. No, I put it on before.

Yeah, and then it, because it has these things, it tells so good. It's like really, it's because coconut was like this genius. Yeah, you can, yeah, it's this genius ingredient that we're all like, I remember this article, like 100 uses coconut, it's like true. And now loop.

Okay, we need to talk to you about orgasms. We do, it is the year of women's do. It is the year of women's pleasure. It is the year of women's pleasure. And in a lot of ways, I'm going to get into not on this show, but like, let's start with orgasms. Alright, guys. So, a lot of times we get these stories. I'm like, I'm glad we have stories for this, like a study for this. But we've got a lot to talk about here. It brings up a lot of things. First, it starts with what proportion of women fake orgasms.

Now, without even looking at this, I can tell you that pretty much every woman has that I know. I don't know any who haven't. Like, at least once. Have you never? No, I have. Okay, okay, good. I was like, wait, you looked at me. I'm like, maybe not. No, because I was trying to think. I was like, do I know someone? I was like, I don't think I do. Like, maybe, right. And maybe, that now they don't. They were the part of her 20 years, but like, maybe they did. So it's all, we've all done it. 67% admit it, college students.

And here's why we fake it. We do it because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We're like, I know I'm not going to come. I know you're making an effort. I want you to get off. We're pleasers. We're like, we know that it doesn't happen during penetration.

Takes a while. Takes to get a good groove with the partner. So we're just like, I don't even want to get into it. I'm going to fake it. We also, we don't want to feel them to feel bad when they don't. We don't want them to feel bad. We don't want to shame them. Be like, oh, yeah, you came too quickly or something wrong with you. So we just don't say anything.

And we just want to be over with because we know we're not going to come or maybe it hurt them. We already came. So we fake it because then we know they'll come. Yeah. So usually it's like, I mean, if it is, it's just want to be overweight because we know we're not gonna come or maybe it hurt or maybe we already came, so we fake it because then we know they'll come. Yeah, so usually it's like, I mean, if it is, it's just kind of like, oh my God, it would take too long to even explain why I'm not going to, so I'm just gonna pretend it happened.

Right, like whenever the K-Payblist in, if you had gone down to me for 20 minutes, like I've asked you to or we had my vibrator or I didn't have a headache or whatever it is, but we don't. It's not the time and then after it's not the time we don't do it. And then for non-sexual gains. So we want the guy and I know we're talking about heterosexual, you know, deal with it you

guys. We get it. It happens all over. But to cement the relationship, like we like, I want him to know that he's giving pleasure so I can like, he'll want me, he'll marry me. I'll put a ring on it. Mm. He'll think I'm the one.

That's an interesting one. Right? Like, I could put a ring on it, my fakeo. But they're all circles. I don't understand that, but I do understand it. It's age, here's the other good thing, you guys. It's age-related, and this is what another, this is the great news here. So I'm gonna get the bad but I do understand it. It's age, here's the other good thing you guys. It's age-related and this is what another, this is the great news here.

So I'm gonna get the bad news out of the way. Women are faking it and you don't know it. Because we always, every time I bring, they're like, well, she's never faked with me. Never, I'm telling you, every guy I've dated, I faked with you, we're there. I just said it. Every single, except for the last, probably 10 years,

since I think, maybe 12. But I faked it before 35, pretty much, out every time, but so I'm just telling you, and you don't know it because you don't understand how to recognize it. Exactly. And women don't, like, that's why. So we're gonna explain that to you.

Let me tell you this, you guys, this is the good news. As age increases, women are more likely to ask for the literal strokes they need. They know how to touch themselves. They know what they need for their partner. And they're like, I'm not going to hang out here and fake it. Why would I do that? I want pleasure.

You want pleasure. And here's what to do. And here's the moves that I need. Yeah. Like women, as we get older, just get less, like less likely to be insecure about it or the comfort. I think it's also more. It's like we're like women probably at that point or like, no. Like there about it or the comfort. I think it's also more, it's like women probably at that point are like,

no, like there's no more wasting time. Right, like let's figure that exactly. And so my mission is that women and men listening to this, you guys don't have to be a statistic. You could change the numbers. You can learn this in their 20s. Like Jamie has learned this at 25 because she's worked for me for three years.

Like when she walked into the door at 22, I've still was probably faking orgasms. Then use the whole thing. So anyway, that's a deal. So you guys, we're all normal hell. So here's how you can tell if you really want to know, but this can also because we can fake this. So it's how does our breath quick in?

Is there breathing like is she like, you know, she has gas for a moan, several seconds of rapid, here's the key thing, here's a scientific part. She has rapid involuntary contractions of the muscles around the vulva and anus. So there are jerky motions, hips, whole body, but you can fake that as well. The very delicate part of the involuntary contractions

around the vulva, like you have to both be, or he has to be like super intuned with, they're not like these, they're not unless your caggles just get steel, which help, but not gonna sense it. Yeah, you would have to literally almost stop probably moving so that you could feel those contractions. Right.

Like if you're doing penetrative sex, if you're like going down on her, you'd probably be able to feel it. Right. So it's no what, you could feel it more when like going down on her you probably be able to feel it So it's no what about you could feel it more when you go down in her or your fingers or your mouth For sure, which is also a great reason to become attuned to the oral But the other signs breath-quickening moaning and jerky hips very easy to fake Mm-hmm involuntary attractions not so much, but we can do these with such Avengers Involuntary attractions not so much, but we can do these with such Avengers

Yeah, such gusto that they can't tell if you also think that you're seeing it and porn you're wrong So here's the guys. I don't know that I feel like this is a known thing But women moan grown thrash their climaxing I Have interviewed and talked to and have many friends who work in porn porn actors they fake it Not at home now, but there may be some do at home typically not Mm-hmm, but they are doing a job. It's acting. It's like it's like seeing Reese Witherspoon in a movie or she's crying like she's not really sad that our husband died Yeah, they're at the same fucking script. You're gonna orgasm and thrash around the room right now. It's acting

I don't know. I thought it was. No, I love that. I love that. You get it guys. So, that's the problem too. It's not when you're watching porn, it's not actually what helps women climax at all. There's no cuddling, there's no foreplay, there's no condoms, there's no getting the loop, there's no hand holding, there's nothing.

So it's not real. And so the problem is, is that women are watching that too. We aren't forget to hold porn, but women are watching that as well. And thinking that's how they should act. So when they're faking it, they're faking it in this way that they see important. So it looks like this loop of like women,

orgasmic, fake orgasmic and porn, and then other women watching that and being like, okay, if I'm gonna fake, I'm gonna do it like that. So men are just thinking like, yeah, that's an orgasm. That's what it looks like. Exactly. When really, it's like, no. That's not it.

And every woman's different, and I've said this, but if you put 100 women in a room, and they were all masturbating, each woman would be doing something different. So each woman's orgasm is different. Yes, there's mone, some loud, some not. Like there's a whole bunch of different things, but it's all different.

So you got to figure it out for your partner, which again is why like, I think mutual masturbation is cool, because then you're like, oh, that's how she orgasms. And he touches himself, it's for everyone. And then you know, then you don't have to mess around

with all the faking and stuff. So, and then not knowing. And then you feel safe. Mm-hmm. Right away, you don't just jump. around with all the faking and stuff so and then not knowing and then you feel safe Right away. You don't just jump. Yeah, you could jump into mutual. I jump into mutual masturbation There's no time limit here. How could you boost the likelihood of her orgasm during intercourse? So if only 25% of women I say 20 days 25 are Consistently orgasmic during intercourse. Right? So, so how do we make it more likely to happen? Like, how can we help? Because it's possible. You have to learn it and you have to understand this. And the reason why she's not orgasming is not because if

you're listening to this, not just because men are inadequate or men are selfish lovers or men don't want to please their partners or women for that matter. Not just because men are inadequate or men are selfish lovers or men don't want to please their partners or women for that matter. It's because we just don't understand this. So I'm just telling you, let's understand that the clitoris during penetrative sex is not usually stimulated enough for her to be 11 orgasm, women can have internal orgasms, but it's a little bit different and it just helps everybody to have their clitoris stimulated first before you can have an internal one. And it's not going to happen. Yeah, let's always invite the clitoris to the later. Let's just always make sure. See, that's the main thing. Like, if you invite the clitoris to the party, like early, like, right away,

even before your penis gets there, you're like, I hope the clitoris is here today, like the clitoris is here and she needs some love right now. I'm going to say hello. I'm going to get to know, I'm going to talk to those lips too, just like her lips and it's part of the process. It's like, Jo, like I'm going to warm her up, I'm going to kiss her and I'm going to say warm up. I think Oral's great for a lot of women, but I'm cool warm her up. I'm gonna kiss her and then when I say warm up I I think oral is great for a lot of women

But I'm cool if you slowly like crests are over underwear or like Touch her with some make sure your hand like Lou don't spit on your fingers This is another like fingers. It's fine if you don't want it She might not want that either right away if you put some Lou on your hands before you touch her And you start to warm her up and press like that'll feel great too. So all that needs to happen. So hello, Clitoris. Let's just always tell her. Okay.

But then there are some positions that can help. So woman on top. So he's lying on his back. His legs can be together. Woman's on her hips sits on his erection. Then she reaches down and touches her Clitoris. So you still need to see the clitoris everywhere. The clitoris is like the,

it's kind of like the, what is it? It's like the, it's the starting role. It's the leading role. The leading role. It's the leading actor, yeah. Like under credits. Yeah. And it's gonna show up in most scenes.

Yeah. So like, the foreplay, like, during, you gotta think about it during, like, intercourse, when your penis is there, it's not the inter, it's not over at Jaina, it's the clitoris that needs the nivolva more so than the internal. Yes, it is the star of the show. Jesus, okay, so.

So she has to be, the clitoris has to somehow be involved during the penetrative sex. So either she's using her hand, you're using your fingers. She's using a great vibe. You guys are using a vibrator together. He can make a fist. I love this. So this is the other thing. A men can apply pressure to the pubic mound while she's on top, like just your fist. And that can feel good too, right? Is that what I'm saying? Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah. Face of the junkshother pelvis or like a hand on her pubic mound. And then she can play with it. So it's like leaning forward. So it's like a pressure motion. So a lot of women think they might be having an internal orgasm, but really they're rubbing back and forth. They're sliding back and forth on top of his erection when they're on top.

And so that's can help too, but then also the deep thrusting hits the G-sponsors. So that's what it is. I think that people need to know that depth. They do. Well, because I think a lot of people are like, oh, yeah, on top because she can control her movements, which is true, but it's not just about depth. Like you said, it's about that sliding motion. It's about the sliding, the back and forth, the movement,

and the speed. More than the depth, because then moving bounce up it down and do the thing, which also can feel good sometimes. But a lot of it is more of a back and forth. Yeah. And a grinding. A rear entry, aka doggy style. So, you guys know there's a lot of variations on this one.

And do we have a blog, like a very doggy style of variations, if we don't, that's a lot of variations on this one. Do we have a blog like a very doggy style variations? If we don't, that's a good one. Because I think she thinks it's just like she's a dog, like hands and knees, and he's going in and out. And then if you like, so that's the basic way that you think about it, but either there's variations, let me just say the basic one. She's on her hands and elbows on the knees.

She's on the bed. He's kneeling or standing behind her, reaches around and touches her clitoris or get it guys or she reaches, she uses the vibrator. So rear entry is great for a lot of men love rear entry. It's like their favorite position because he can go super deep. And have like deeper, deeper thrusts.

Now women can also have more pain in this position because it's so deep, so it hits their cervixes, certain times a month it can hurt more. This is when communication is great. If it hurts, you want to stop. So, women can adjust this by moving down into their, like, having just an arch of their back up and then they're laying down in their hand, like they're resting on their elbows, their heads on the bed, or all the way flat, but they're

the women's legs squeezed together. So play with this one. But this is also just Clitor's as part of the party. Yeah, you still got someone's got to be reaching around. Reach around. And the spooning, speaking of reaching around, the ultimate reach around. I love spooning. Because it's like extension of cuddling, which is like my favorite position. And this is like this exposition to cuddling. So you're spooning, he reaches around, you reach around, you can massage or clitoris, or she can, using a hand of vibrator, and you don't need a lot of like, you can be tired

and just thrust. Yeah, especially if you have like, a something by your bed, like a wall, or like a headboard, or something that you can grab onto, you can kind of use that as leverage to kind of push back while he thrusts forward. Right, right, right, exactly. And then that way, especially with, and it's just like a lazier position. No, you're right.

That's good. Push against the wall. Yeah, because it just makes it like that way. It gives you that. It's like hands on the headboard when you're on top. Yeah, exactly. Nice modifications. Mm-hmm. Okay, guys, we're on top. Yeah, exactly. Nice modifications.

Mm-hmm. Okay, guys, we're going to take a quick break. We come back even more orgasm talk. Quoidal alignment technique. So this position has been around for a long time. People have talked about, or the cat. So how you do this one is conventional like man on top in a chorus, good old missionary, usually like your

raction, it's horizontal. So this position came out in 1988 and there's another variation this one too, but what I'm going to say is the guy shifts forward onto one side to his chest covers one of her shoulders. So she's lying flat and he's like essentially pushing himself forward like on her shoulders. So she's lying flat. And he's like essentially pushing himself forward, like on the bed. So she has to be scooted down so he has enough room to move up forward. So he's like his arms,

so one side of it makes sense, right? So his chest covers one of her shoulders. With this change, his erections move more of an up and down rather than a side to side. And like, and then so his pubic bone at the base of the penis has more contact with the clitoris with the same kind of like a grinding because he's up and down. Does that make sense? So he's grinding. And so it doesn't guarantee women are going to have orgasms, but it significantly

improves women's ability of orgasms because of that grinding motion again that she's doing when she's on top. So it's a flip. Yeah. That he's doing it. And Lou is great for this. Mm-hmm. And some early, literal warm-ups.

So basically, it's like, it's kind of like missionary, but with not so much space in between the bodies. Exactly. Yep. So it's like closer. Mm-hmm. It's closer. You could even be laying on top of her. Like you could be like gently.

You're still holding up your body weight, but your head might be a little bit above her. It's very intimate too. And a little slower and deliberate, but feels really good. Grinding. Yeah. Yeah, good.

Okay, fascinating one. This one is my pilates class. You can add it in a ball for extra like exercises, you know, for your pelvic part. But you can, you guys. So when the man's on top in, of course, missionary or the cat position, if you use a small soft ball like a nerf or a hacky sack, you place this between the woman's clitoris and the man's pelvis. And then his pelvis is, his pelvis is pressing on the ball and that could increase the woman's ability to orgasm because again, you guys, so the pubic mound or the clitoris, like the

whole opening area, for many women, including myself, if you apply pressure to that area, you could call it indirect pressure to the g spot. It can really, and also you're kind of pushing down on the literal nerve endings at the same time. And so in that mode, movement of pressing down, so if you have a ball there that's stimulating all the, the pressure that that's sort of stimulating those nerve endings, even more and like releasing into the, um, into that area, it's more like the semi, all those nerve endings at once and it can be

really explosive for women and a lot of women can also squirt when they have more tension to the pubic mound, which is why it works well with the magic wand and all that. So I think that's a really cool position to play with that. I know those little stress balls too, probably really good for that. Exactly, yep. But you guys remember this is just like you want to go slow. This is such good intimacy too to try this out with your partner and like breathe together and play with it because it's not going to like put the ball in and get it right.

It's like think of when you're like I think about and take a while for me to make sure the ball is right under like I heard my back. So it has to be in the exact position to for my pelvic floor to be stable. So just chill out with it. Try it. It might be awkward, but I think this is gonna release a lot of orgasm. Yeah, I'm gonna try that. I haven't tried that before.

Yeah. It's gonna happen. I realized I was trying it without the ball. Yeah, with the magic wand, when you're saying that's how you use it, because I always think about how are you, are people really using the magic wand just because it's so hard.

I don't think that I've ever, yeah. I was paying attention. I felt like coyote this week. I have so many things for the coyote show Like I get how she tests vibes now, so I was like, oh, yeah, this is how you do it. Okay, so here's another one for you guys mock intercourse Instead of inserting he positions his his erection his throbbing member to press against the sensitive Group between our vaginal lips. Okay, so we're talking about the vulva here We're talking about the 8,000 nerve endings

that are not just in the clitoris, but they're going down the clitoral legs, which are behind the vaginal lips. That area for me personally was also discovered later in life through masturbation, toys, lube, and like not just focusing on the clitoris. There's a lot of nerve endings there. And so if he's hard, and there's really good lubrication,

this would be a great one for pure. Pure has so many goddamn loops. I've been trying lately, Jamie, I'm obsessed with them this weekend. So anyway, different great loops. His shaft is pressing against her, your rethral sponge, which is like internally, but it's on the outside. That's what I'm talking about, your rethral sponge. That means it's the mound area, which is like internally, but it's on the outside. That's what I'm talking about. He rethral sponge, doesn't what that means.

But it's the mound area, which I'll think. And then his glands of his penis is cresting clearer. So it's like he's kind of like a dildo. Like he's kind of like a, how do you explain it? It's more, I guess, would say it's not real intercourse, but it's like, you know, the penis is just, yeah, he's just sliding up and down, which I'm sure feels really good on his shaft as well.

Well, that's the thing, he can come that way too. And so what's gonna happen in this position and why this feels great for so many women, this is the whole humping thing that used to do but it's like humping but with your clothes off. Mm-hmm. Is that the reason why that felt good is that like it was teammate in the clitoris

and then he didn't orgasm too, remember like over your jeans and high school if that happened, did that ever happen to you? No. Right. I mean, I don't know if I did. I think it might have, yeah, I think it has. It did happen. But the reason why it happened, so what I'm saying is,

is that we are such a penetrative oriented society that we think that's the goal. But as long as you wait, because I think what I would do a lot of times, I say, don't know, put it in. It's okay. When maybe five more minutes or 10 more minutes of mock intercourse, now that has a name, would it felt great for me? I might have had orgasm that way.

And then you know, I'm saying he would put it in. Yeah. And it's like it elevates that tease also to that like, okay, like you're, I'm going to not make you wait, but it's kind of like, you're going gonna wait a while before you actually do the actual intercourse part, but you're gonna be so revved up the whole time. It's gonna just be awesome.

Like, I know it's hard to wait, but when you do actually wait, it's like worth it. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna have an orgasm, you're gonna get inside her for a dry knot, like other things feel good. Exactly. Yeah, it's all good, you guys.

All right, so, What do we got here? All right, guys, so assuming. So here's a thing though, even though we've told you all of this, the reason why women are, we often have challenges around orgasms still because we often don't get that, you know, we can usually climax having orgasm by our hand or a vibrator, but we have more problems with our partners. So orgasm is learned, the teacher is masturbation. So it's not the other way around. It's not like you learn orgasm through intercourse. Most people do not. You learn it through masturbation. So just again, if you don't believe in it or you're not, you can't be upset for not orgasm if you

haven't like masturbation. Bye bye, writer. I think that like more than half of people on one, they're going to give you more intense sensations than hands and tongues are going to provide. It's not an inferior orgasm to do nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you're broken. It's just that our clitorisys are in different places in our bodies. Fingers just might not cut it, doesn't replace your partner.

It's like you could walk to work or you could drive to work. You could walk to work, you're gonna get there, it's gonna be nice scenery, I mean, to walk to work more often, or you drive to work, and you're gonna get there a little bit quicker, it's more efficient, and the same results. You still arrive at work.

Mm-hmm. Same thing with the vibrator. It's not going to ruin sex. It's in simulation and it's how you can discover your... It's really how women can learn to figure out what makes them feel good and know that there's all these like that their vulvas are sensitive and their clitoris are, you know, just all the areas. Yeah, and if you're worried about like that you're taking too long to orgasm, this can help

you out. And especially if that's just been like if the timing of sex has always been an issue in there, it's just why not add in something to help the process along. It doesn't mean anyone's inferior, but then instead of just getting upset because you're not orgasming, just get something that can help you do that. Exactly. Like no shame in the orgasm game. Like I, you know, I was was talking to a friend. I never had one because she's always been orgasmic And she was like yeah, and not and like literally not just a friend like my one my closest friends

And I was like I think it's time like she's been with our partner for a long time and And she still realized that she had something around it and I was like I just I could never push her because she's my best friend But I was like okay, I'm just you have to try it like and then I just, I could never push her because she's my best friend. But I was like, okay, I'm just, you have to try it. Like, and then I just know because we know no one's ever said why and not push her. Like, if you don't want one fine, but with all the challenges we have on orgasm, it's how to say my part. I'm cool if you don't either. Communication, communicate with your partner what you've learned during masturbation. It's really important to let them know or explore together.

If you have a trusting, loving partner, the two of you can go on this journey together. Figure out what feels good. Communicate it. And then sex therapy, you guys remember, I love sex therapy. I love any kind of therapy, but if you specifically know that, like, and I gotta tell you some kinds, we don't even realize it at sex, but if you've got issues around orgasm, fantasizing, shame, your body, confidence, all the things, sex therapy, amazing for everyone.

Men, women, couples. Okay, guys, I love answering your questions. And if you want a question answered, email us feedback at sexwithammy.com, include your name or age where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, Jamie, want to read it? Mm-hmm. Okay, so this first one is from Chris, who's 34 in California. He writes, Hi, Emily.

I've been listening to your show for about a year now and it's all been fun. I've been married for about 5 years and we've been having pretty great sex for most of that 5 years. My sex issue is simple, I haven't had a good hand job in some time. My wife is a great sexual partner but I can't seem to keep hard during hand job. She often treats my dick like a joystick and can't get the right grip. I often try to guide her and show her how I like it, but she always goes back to death gripping me. In the end, I usually can't come from it and this says, understandably, reduce her confidence in this area. Should we abandon the

hand job entirely or is there a good way to teach her how I like it? Thanks for the help. Oh, not the death grip hand job. Okay, Chris, I was so excited to answer this email, because here's the deal. I, this is like something that's gonna be so fun to fix so easy to fix because you guys have all the ingredients She's a great sexual partner. She just didn't learn the skill So she's teaching it like a joystick. Maybe she saw it. Who knows where she saw it She probably never learned so she's death-gripping you Here's a thing we can help you no problem. So let her know that you have this thing, our handjabs, and you love it, and then you realize that during one day you were masturbating, or you just thought about it, like, I realize

it. I haven't shown you how I like to be touched, and I have a fantasy about it, and this is how it's going to feel amazing. And so it sounds to me like it's just the grip. And the great thing is that she just hasn't like it's like she's been walking down the tents racket no one showed her how to like serve right so she's got her hands she's got the intention So she's kind of loosened her hand and make sure she's first of all lube you guys great to use a silicone lube for hand jobs or

Wumar play is your hand job helper Because it keeps your whole area super soft. Like my guy was like, oh my god, he was like never. We just squeezed the bottle at the very end when they ran, like made it all soft and smooth. So use it. It's going to be like, and you don't have to keep reapplying. So lots of lube about the grip, how you can show this, you can just like, so I always

have this thing. I show people that you know when you like put your hand at your rapid or under wrist, and if your fingers are tightening or like turning purple, that's too tight. And then if they're too loose, you can tell you just want like a soft grip around your hands. That's what I always tell you about how to grip it. So what I think you have to do is show her Chris how you like your grip and then have

her put her hand over it and she can feel it. And then you can show like in a loving playful way. Believe me, she doesn't want to be death grip, Queen. No, so play with her hands, show her first how you like it. And then I love Dr. Sadie Allison's book, Tickle His Pickle. It has the best tips for hand jobs,

like literally a hundred tips. But I'm gonna tell you the most important thing is that she wants to play with, if her hands are well lubricated, she could use both hands. She could have both hands sliding up and down together in unison. She could twist one to the left, one to the right, and go up and over. She could have one hand on your balls, and then she could go up and down and up and down.

She could just need it. She could just tickle the top with her tongue and then use her hand going up and there's different grips and different ways. So I think you just have to maybe have her hand on it with a looped hand and then you show her some movements to get her started. Get creative with it. Okay, so this is from Mo who's 25 in Copenhagen. She writes Thai Emily, thank you for the amazing podcast.

My problem may sound strange. I can only orgasm with a partner. I masturbate often with a vibrator, but can never reach climax. With a man, however, I come fast and easily. I think the problem is that when masturbating, I know exactly what's next, as I'm in control. I'm a sub, so I need domination to orgasm. Is there anything I can do differently to come when masturbating? I'd love to be less dependent on a man.

Mo in Copenhagen, I really love this question because we don't get a lot of questions like this. Like usually it's the other way around, right? And so I think this one is such an easy fix because this is a mind thing. This is when your mind is getting in your way of the orgasm. So that's all it is Mo. We're just going to flip your mindset because you're already thinking, oh my god, I got it, you know, I got to be dominated and porn doesn't seem real and like when I'm with the guy, they're actually there. So it's just fantasized, start using your brain, remember, largest sex organ is our brain. So if you fantasize about being dominated or you watch some porn about being dominated. If you get engrossed in what you're watching, like you, you can surprise yourself and feel like learn that like sensation of letting

go and just saying like, I don't know when it's going to happen, but I'm watching it. And then you can get some more like things to think about when you're having sex. So if you need domination to orgasm, fantasies will help you. And then you focus on the sensations that you're feeling in your body when it's happening and then you can push yourself over the edge. So the thing here is that it's not to make you like you're only going to have to watch porn. What you're going to do is you're going to be able to realize that

that there's a certain build up of sensation that aligns with fantasy play with being dominated. So masturbation, it's a way of being mindful, but also with the fantasies. So while you're, you notice what starts happening in your body when you see these images, like maybe your breath starts quickening or you start grinding in a certain way. And then you'll just know that you would link up to that fantasy. So you won't have to like fully rely on it. That makes sense to you all, right? Right, you got that. So, um, so the thing is you're still in control, but you're letting yourself go and your brain is tricked into thinking you're in the

submissive role, but eventually those wires are just going to become one of the same. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this question was so interesting to me. Yeah. Like, you're so right about it, just like, you can change your mindset. Like, you, your mind is so powerful So powerful and so a lot of these are our really mind stuff that we have to work on controlling our mind during sex and during life Okay, and then we're gonna take this last one. This is from Michael who's 23 in Virginia. He writes hi Emily I love the show. I wanted to ask how women feel about men being overweight

I have I have always had an issue with approaching women in a romantic way and the biggest reason is that the women I'm attracted to are so much more in shape than I am and it makes me feel like a hypocrite and of less worth in their eyes than somebody else who then somebody else might be which makes me insecure. I've lost a lot of weight in the past year nearly 75 pounds. But I still have a ways to go before I'm confident with my body. I know that in most other areas, I'm a catch, but this feels like the last big hurdle I need to jump to really get myself out there. Is there a way to offset this insecurity until I reach my fitness goal, or do women not prioritize looks as much as men think they do? Okay, Michael, this question is brilliant because I think that it really made me think.

We talked about this, James, it's like, you know, I, first of all, I want to say, Michael, congratulations on losing 75 pounds. That is not an easy feat. And you sound super determined. And you are really taken your life into your own hands. And I love it. And I totally understand the body confidence thing. So especially like with the weight loss, like you, you know, I have a lot of friends who have lost weight, I have a friend who have recently lost like, same thing, 70 pounds.

And she's just like, I used to identify as like this heavier woman. And now that I'm not, like you still, just because you lose the weight, you still feel like that person is like a whole new identity, right? And all self-confidence issues are the same, like we all have self-confidence issues, but the weight, you know, manifests, but the weight one is easy because then you're changing

and you're like, I thought I'd be so happy and feel great, but I'm still not always confident. And so this really is an inside job, the whole like, how do I build, you know, myself confidence? And how do you like actually Michael learn on loving your body and knowing that like someone else, if they're having sex with you, they're attractive, they mean to the bedroom. And I got to say this, this is true. I do believe that women are going to be a little more lenient. And I think you just aren't having sex now, Michael, if you find someone attractive in your into it because you can lose weight, you might gain it back, but you're still the you

that's gonna be having sex with people no matter what you weigh. And I say the same thing for women that how can you show up to eat sexual encounter, like being your most confident self and knowing that someone's in there to have sex with you. Like she's in the door, she's at, and that women are more lenient.

Like she's not gonna run out and be like, oh my God, his body, Like I have to say that I, and I talk to women on the air, off air everywhere we go. How many times do you hear women say he was out of shape and chubby and I mean, he doesn't have as much as men. It really doesn't. I'm just gonna play it down.

It doesn't. And I'm not saying women don't, but we were much more lenient. And we're much more like, and this goes back to attraction. It's not superficial. It's because what women find attractive in men is their confidence and their facial structure sometimes

and their status and it's like, are there like, have a good job and are they passionate? Are they good caretakers? Are they funny? Do they have a good job? Can they be, you know, provider in ways? Like there's other things that are way, way, way, top of even the things that the other day women looks is like bottom.

Yeah, it's like number nine. Number nine, on all the traits that women worry about, like they rated personality, sense of humor, and like intelligence. Intelligence at the top three. At number nine was physical attraction. Men, guess what? Number one, flippy.

Number one, women. So, okay Michael, yeah, little lenient. So what I'm saying is yes, I wouldn't freak out that this but also learn this confidence and looking in the mirror and looking at your awesome body and feeling good every day that you're taking care of yourself and like I love that you listen to podcasts because that means when you're ready, you know,

or when you start having sex again, you are gonna be such a great lover because you've learned so many tips anyway. So I think you've got so much going on right now that if you could put more of your attention on being healthy, emotionally, and physically physically and not unless on like your insecurities You're gonna be great. Yeah, cuz the more you focus on your insecurities the more they're gonna show Yep, they're gonna amplify what we what we think about

What we think about we create in our life. Mm-hmm. What we think about what we want We get what we want All right, thank you.. All right. Thank you. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, everybody, for listening to Sex with Emily. We love you all. Okay.

Thanks everyone for listening to the show. This has been fun. We love hearing from you. Three shows a week. Check us out on Series XM. Thanks to our amazing sponsors. Glad you have so many great companies we're working with now.

Fucking excited. Thanks to our amazing team, Ken Samantha Giulia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamleeve.com. you