Sex With Emily - What Your Voice Reveals About Your Pleasure

Episode Date: April 10, 2026

What if the key to better sex wasn't about technique — it was about learning to feel your own body again? Taryn Toomey, founder of The Class, joined me live at Eudaimonia to break down how 13 years of somatic movement quietly rewired her relationship with pleasure, sound, and receiving — and why the two aren't as different as you'd think. From faking orgasms in her 20s to purring her way through her "delicious" 40s, Taryn gets raw about her two-year stretch of only receiving oral sex, falling deeply in love after divorce, and what it really means to let someone in — body and soul. Don't forget to watch the full video podcast on YouTube! In this episode, you'll learn:  • Why the sounds you make in a workout and the sounds you make in bed come from the exact same place — and how unlocking one unlocks the other • How Taryn's two-year "oral sex only" era taught her more about receiving, boundaries, and her own body than any relationship ever did • The one breathwork tool that works both in The Class and during sex to get out of your head and back into your body — instantly And if you want to dive deeper into Taryn’s work after listening, we’ve got a little gift for you. Go to https://browse.theclass.digital/ and get 20% off her Digital Platform with the promo code SEXWITHEMILY. Eudemonia: • Website Find Taryn: • https://www.instagram.com/taryntoomey/ • https://www.taryntoomey.com/ • https://www.theclass.com/ • https://www.instagram.com/theclass/ More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply).5 • Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 0:20 - Meet Taran Tumi: Founder of The Class & the Embodiment Movement 1:37 - Why It's So Hard to Actually Be in Your Body 4:35 - The Connection Between Voice, Sound & Pleasure 7:41 - Dating After Divorce: What Intimacy Looks Like Now 9:00 - Why Men Struggle with Sound in the Class (And in the Bedroom) 13:28 - How the Class Actually Works: The Method Behind the Movement 17:06 - The Class Gave Her a Great Vagina (And Why That Makes Sense) 18:07 - Heartbreak, Beautiful Love & Learning to Receive 21:30 - The Orgasm Gap & Why Women Can't Receive Oral Sex 24:42 - Breathing, Co-Regulation & Getting Out of Your Head During Sex 28:51 - The Energy You Take Into Your Body: Sex, Attachment & Staying Mindful 32:09 - What Happens When You Stop Performing and Start Feeling 34:01 - Feeling More at Home in Your Body at 47 Than at 20 39:03 - Decades of Sex in a Few Words: Drunk, Formulaic, Delicious 43:45 - Dating as a Single Mom & What Her Daughters Reflect Back 47:01 - One Truth About Pleasure & One Practice to Start Tonight 48:35 - Audience Q&A: How to Ask for Oral Sex, Talking to Daughters About Sex Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think it's always a work in progress. And that's why I feel so grateful about the relationship I just had, even though it's heartbreaking, because it was love. And when there's love there and you have any sort of heartbreak or grief, it's just love that was. But there was still love. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily.

And I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. This episode is recorded from a live podcast. I did at Eudamonia, which is a longevity conference that was held in Palm Beach, Florida. My guest is Terran Toomey, founder of the class, a global movement that uses breath, sound, and movement to help people release stress, shame, and old patterns stored in our body. Terran is a masterful leader and she has helped so many people feel more connected. In this episode, we're talking about why it's so hard for so many of us to actually be in our bodies, the connection between embodiment and pleasure and why most of us are performing

instead of feeling. How sound, breath, and movement unlock deeper intimacy. Yes, mostly in bed. What it really means to receive and why that's one of the hardest skills to learn. And how to let go of all those stories, shame, and conditioning that's truly blocking our desire. We also get into dating and boundaries and heartbreak and what changes when you start having sex from a fully embodied place instead of in your head. This episode is about coming home to your body. And what becomes possible and your relationships, your pleasure, and your life. Please enjoy this live conversation with Taryn Tumi. Welcome to Sex with Emily, live from Eudemonia.

Today we're bringing together my favorite things, movement and sex and embodiment and pleasure. My guest is someone who's turned sweat, sound, and release into a spiritual practice. She's the founder of the class, which has become a movement in helping people shake off stress, shame, and old stories through their bodies. We're here to explore what happens when we stop performing and start feeling in our workouts, our relationships, and in bed. Please welcome Taryn Tumi. Thank you.

Yay. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. So I was so excited that I got to take your class this morning for the first time. I've taken the class before, but not with you. And it was amazing. first of all, the room was packed. You wouldn't think there was like 16 other things happening here

in Florida, eudamonia. It was packed and being in that room and I walked in, I'm jet lagged. But immediately your presence just got everyone to drop into their bodies to feel themselves. What I love is that no one's like looking around and checking people out, like immediately you're on your mat. And what I think is so important. And when I first, before I even took the class, is that you actually teach embodiment, which is such. such a hard concept to explain to people sometimes because you have to be in your body. So why do you think it's so hard for people to be in our bodies? It's our bodies. Why's so hard? Because we're trained to do and our brain is trying to tell us what to do, what to fear, what to look out for based on so many things.

And to actually be in your body, it's a deeply, it's a spiritual practice to be able to connect with your own heart, to know where you are, to continue to just let go all, the time and then the mind tries to control experiences. I don't want to let go. What am I without that? What am I with that? So it's just that the mind is the brain, the organ of the brain, creates thought, is just running the show. So the more and more that you understand how to take that pause, the moment of, okay, my mind is looping. I'm on some like story after story, pause, breathe, and connect to your body. And the embodiment word, it's one of those sometimes overused under embodied words where you hear it and it kind of goes over the head. It's like you hear mind body or you hear these words that people say. So I think to really break down,

embodiment means being in your body, not in the mind. Now the brain is part of the body, but the semantics of it are feel the tips of your fingers, feel the souls of your feet, feel the expansion of the back of the lungs, soften your scalp. So all of these little points of attention are really easy, accessible ways for you to just get in your body. Yeah. But I think that sometimes we're scared to think about. Yeah. It's a lot of fear. It is fear. It's our fear that's keeping us in our heads all day long. So we are just like so, I think we're all really just walking around afraid of our bodies because what's going

to happen. And so what I like is that you have the practice of the repetition and the breathing and gently bringing people back to the moment to feel it, to breathe it, to make the noise. And we did a great call last week. We had met, but we zoomed, and we had a great opening call. And I thought, our work kind of overlaps because you teach people to find their voice in their body, like use their voice in the body. And I try to teach people that their voice is so connected to pleasure. But one of the top questions I get asked people is like, I don't know how to make a sound during sex. Like I'm a mute.

Like I remember dating this guy once. And I really wanted because, you know, I wanted to make a noise. I wanted him to like, no, are you there? Are you live? And we had sex. Like, he had an orgasm. And he was like, I was like, can you could let me know? Was it good?

Was it? I think you had an orgasm? I don't know. And I thought, wow, if everybody could experience the way you teach embodiment and you teach a class because not only are people moving and not looking around, once you get into your like space with you, Taryn, you're in all the classes, you are, you're in your body, you're in the moment. But then you're shaking, you're moving, you're dancing, you make it your own.

But then it's the groanings. It's the releasing. And that's the authentic pleasure that I was. like when people are like, how do I do it? I'm like, well, take a shower and make those noises, but in your class they could learn too. But what do you think is about just this sound and the importance of our voice? Yeah, I've experienced so much of it. This is 13 years. I've been moving this method, so the energy through it. And I have experienced from day one until now, people say, oh, yeah, that class where you go and you do burpees and you scream. To me, it's always funny because those

of the like polarizing pieces of it. It's hard and like what I don't want to scream. And we're actually not screaming. You can if you want, but we're making sounds. And sound is simply moving energy from the body, the inside of the body out. So the different frequency of those sounds, like, ah, ooh, hi, blah, right? It's just moving into different little pockets.

So if you can keep it that simple and not identify a story to the sound and feel embodied because the teacher in the class method is guiding you in to know that you have a choice. and then just to play, experiment, because the sound is just a non, words or a series of symbols placed over an energy to give it meaning. That's what a word is, right? We have so many different languages. So you can communicate through sound in such a way that doesn't allow so much of the storytelling from someone else.

And I think with sex, I'm divorced since 2018, but I recently had my first year-and-a-half relationship, which just ended a month ago. And it's interesting watching yourself in relationship with being single and getting to know yourself. I was married for a very long time. And before that, I was like, I broke up with my boyfriend two and a half years. And I didn't met my ex-boyfriend. And like it went back to like 17. So being able to experiment and to play a little bit more with what intimacy and sex and pleasure and all that is in your adult age to me has been an interesting ride.

Yeah. And I've observed myself when I'm having sex sometimes. And I'm a purr, I think. A per? I think I probably make a lot of like humming purringy. And I don't, it's not because I'm trying to do it. It's not a formative purring. It's just what happens.

Yeah. And I remember saying to my now ex-boyfriend, I guess that would make sense that I do that. Right? Because it's natural. It's a feeling for me because of what I teach that there's something, there's an exchange of how you're feeling through sound that doesn't have to do with like, does that feel good. Right. Oh, yeah, baby, give it to me.

You know, whatever it is that's like the, and you can say that too. maybe that turns you on and whatnot, but, like, there's an exchange that can happen just through, like, a deep sigh or, like, some, you know, I think it predates language. Yeah, exactly. There's, like, primal. So you're a primal purr. Like, that's what you, that's just was your authentic noise. You weren't like, I saw him porn that I should purr.

It was like you're, and so much of the noise in the class, like, for me too, like, I'm a deep, like, uh, like I'm a, uh, person too, like even during sex and in the class, I'm like a primal. And so that's what I was feeling. It was like so much of the authentic noises we make is what we don't often know sometimes because we don't let go in the bedroom a lot. And I think you were timing on our call that sometimes, I'm just going to say, here, the men had a hard time with the sounds. They just thought it wasn't what.

Do you remember what? I think that there's, it's just not all men. The structures that we subscribe to that we have to show up in a certain way, gender-based sometimes, right? So there's a certain mindset if I make some sound and release here, what is that going to mean? I think sometimes my sense is that there is so much unexpressed rage inside some men that withhold or avoid that I've heard that before sometimes. Like I don't really know what to do if that comes up. And it's not like it's just a free-for-all,

right? There's containment in how we're inviting people to make sound and different types of sounds. And then the other piece to that is that we combine that with deep, slow, rhythmic breathing, right so you're getting in the body through that and then using the sound if it feels like it would be something that was supportive in releasing to reveal something so i think for men and again not to generalize like i know i don't like to generalize but there is that structure that i have observed yeah and when i've asked about it usually it's like well a few things i don't really want to be somebody that makes all that sound in a room of women or it feels like it's a space that i should should just be observing or I don't really know how to do that.

There's so many different theories or answers based on, I think, what their own structure and their own group system was. But if you can just allow it to be fun and playful and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then you start laughing. The next thing you know, you're laughing and then they're like crying. Yeah. It's just such a beautiful release. And you don't have to.

Yeah. It's a really. It's like the most genuine release that you can't force because of the way. you teach it with movement and breath and you keep reinforcing, like let go, be yourself, like make it your own, which is just I really don't know any other classes that we can do something like, I mean, it is, it's your class, it's very unique. I guess, okay, so my interpretation was what I was thinking about after was that, because what I thought you said is that the men might have not been comfortable with the women's noise. And then I thought it's because here are women,

all genders, but taking the class in their body, because it's all the same energy, sex energy is our creation. And they're actually making the real noises. They're not like, from the waist up. So maybe it was uncomfortable for some men to hear women really in their power and in their bodies. That's what I was saying about the next day. It could be all of that thing because, again, you create the safe container for anything goes in a structured place though. You know, people aren't having sex. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a method to the repetition. You're repeating movements so that way people's mind can get out of the way. And then you start to become aware of thoughts. So it's not just like it's not, people have said like, oh, a static dance and whatnot. and there's so many beautiful ways to move energy. That's not technically what I consider it. I mean, it could be because we're moving and shaking,

but it has a structure in which allows you to just do something that's so straightforward and then wait for the feelings and then make sound, right? So that, that, I say that because I think as it pertains to when men may feel like they should or should not make sound, that's the mind. Should I or should I not make sound? As opposed to feeling yourself drop into

what is being held in the room, and just letting, letting what's going to come up, what's going to come up. And I remember a few months ago, somebody had sent a friend, and apparently after he had said, I would never go back to that class, women should not behave like that. That is so unladylike. And I think if you would have said that to me 10 years ago, I would have taken two weeks off and stopped teaching. Because there's that original kind of almost like psychic armor you need to get around

being able to just cut straight through it and be like that is their shit. Because it's not that quick sometimes. You personalize things. And to me, I mean, what I would want to say is like, okay, it sounds like you need to go on a retreat with us. You know, like there's some stripping down. But you need that polarization sometimes to realize how imbalance that structures get in one's own ego and mind. Well, I don't think you say that's so interesting being a woman business owner who started your own thing from your head, created a practice from your, you know, just from being you.

and that how much it changes. Like I could see that 10 years ago, we get so defensive, like our work, but now you've really, like, created something. You're like, this is mine, this is my own. Walk me through, like, if people haven't been to the class, like, what is that structure? You have to get into every detail.

But, like, just so we will understand if they haven't been. What is the method to the madness? There's a whole blueprint in the underpinnings. And each class changes in terms of the moves that you're doing just so you're continuing to work the body in different ways. But you always start with your feet on the floor, wiggling your toes,

moving through the semantics, feel your own touch, feel your breath, and then you get the room into a rhythmic breath, usually a little bit of breathwork for inhale, for exhale, and then tapping the heels, shaking the body, so you get the mind into the body through that pro-preceptive feedback, and then generally we start with a series of squats, and that's just because it's the straight forward, up and down, you get people aligned, and then once you get the structure and you invite students to close their eyes, so you can take out the external feedback loop, which is, you know, oftentimes, especially if you're in a new space, it's like, what's going on here.

Like, close the eyes, start to use the breath, wait for the sensation to build because you're just repeating a squat for seven minutes. And the music is a key part too, like who we bring in through the music and the lyrics. But, and then after you build the tension enough in the body, we invite the students to make sound to release the I can't. Right? So then song one, then we'll have like a shaking kind of jacking. and then we come down and do a series of floor work, deep contractions, deep contractions,

usually quiet, facing down, abdominal work. And it's essentially a journey. I was just talking to somebody that works a lot with different types of plant medicines, and he was in class this morning. He said it's a psychedelic journey. It is a journey. And it's interesting because it's psychedelic, right? You're moving into higher spaces, thought logic reason, third dimensional.

So if you move yourself out of your mind, you're able to experience some of those spaces. And that's really what it is. We're doing the series, but we're moving into this arc of getting so contracted and embodied, and then you do a series of burpees. And the burpees is usually the top of the arc. You're making sound. You're flushing. You're like, bringing up all of this.

Like, I don't want to say that, like stuck in the throat. And then we stop after that. And then you just get really quiet. And you listen to what's coming up underneath all of the unexpressed. And then that's when we kind of start coming down the other side a little bit, start replanting some seeds. And the interesting thing about the class is that it's not a teacher that's telling you what to do. It's not inspirational in terms of like, just be the change or whatnot.

And there's beautiful methods out there, but that's not the class. The classes, we're doing a series of movements. We're adding the breath. We're inviting sound and then self-inquiry. So usually when we come down the other side of that, what came up? What did you notice? What are you believing? Is that true, right?

These are not like a script or anything. It's just what's coming up in that time. And then you go into another scoop of cardiovascular movements, flushing, jack and clear. The jack and clear from me offering is like the offering up because there's that vertical space, that divine, call it, whatever it is that you will, the unseen, all of the miracles that show up that we say, can you believe that happened? And like little winks from the universe, vertical. Third dimensional, horizontal.

So if we spend too much time in the horizontal space doing, doing, doing, we're not connected. And if we spend too much time in that space, sometimes you're a little bit. two out of your body. So the offering up, though, is offer up that, right? So it's not explicit. We don't talk about it like that. Yeah. I felt the journey, though, and I love that when it was getting too intense after the burpees, and you like, come back to your heart, come back to your heart space. It was almost like the moving meditation. It just struck me that so much of her, like, I know I take breathwork and I do meditation, yoga, just sort of a combination of all those. So there's a lot of benefits to it. Another benefit that you mentioned to me was that you said to me the class

literally gave you a great vagina. I feel like we have to put that in your marketing material, maybe, but I can imagine though, because really. What is a great vagina? Well, that's the other thing. A very fit vagina. A fit vagina. And also, though, just but it would make sense. It's all pelvic floor. And you're moving and you're in touch, right? So I didn't realize it until when I first started teaching, I was with a mic and I would go to the bathroom. all the time. Granted, I have two girls and, you know, pelvic floors. Sneeze and pee. We haven't even without kids, it happens. But like, you're just really stopped. And then I started having students say to me, like, things have really changed. So I think that it does keep your

vagina in a good healthy state. Definitely. The whole thing. I was jumping. I had no problem. I felt great. But you also said, I want to go back to the guy, like dating now, because you said that you just ended it with somebody and you were very authentically after going to, which I can relate to a series of relationships, a series of relationships, and then just kind of divorce and now dating someone and you were, I don't know, how does that feel to be at this point in your life being embodied, being liberated, purring, like what's sex like right now? Yeah, it's such an interesting conversation because this recent breakup for me, it was such a beautiful love. We loved each other so well. And it was beautiful and it's heartbreak. But it was

the right time to take some space and to move into other spaces and see what the universe is to offer us in the most like true way. It felt like a deeply deep. deeply profound experience for me because I was able to move from being married, where, you know, life, kids, all of that into as soon as I started dating, you go on a date with somebody. And next thing you know, you're like, checking in every two seconds, because that's what you know. Not because I was trying to be some whatever. I was just myself. And like, and then you start to realize like, whoa, wait a second.

There's some different types of ways that I need to exchange energy. And then, you know, I definitely acted out a little bit and had a lot of fun. And what I realized... What is that afting out? See, I want to be like reframing. Like, maybe you're just having fun, having sex. I think that's a really good, like, point that you just stopped on because there's a lot of word logos that we put on things to say, like, that's right or wrong.

I was. I was like, I don't care. I'm going to go out with this person that I know is going to likely hurt me and then hurt me, right, just because of their own consciousness or their own style of moving through the world. And I would just do it anyway. Right? And then it would take me like six months to wiggle out of that straight jacket. Okay.

But you would learn. And that's what I, what I have felt. And for me, the engagement of taking somebody in my body has always been something that I have known that is in exchange for me that changes the game. It may be different now. I may be able to have more, like, you know, I definitely enjoyed myself for a bit, but there's something that would happen with me after that I would feel like there was almost, like my thoughts would be so into that experience. that it was taking me out of my day in and day out life. And I was like, I don't even like this person. Like, why am I so, like, so I can't think that there's something about that. Yeah. But then I started just letting people go down on me. And that was like two years.

Yeah. And I never gave them anything back. Yeah. And I'm all for that. Yeah. And, you know, it was a, it's true. See, this is what I was saying, like, maybe if it didn't feel good before, because it wasn't about your pleasure, but just saying you're going to go down on me. Yeah. And I'm going to lie here. And it's going to feel. amazing. I love that. And I do remember two specific experiences where I think when you let somebody give you oral sex, you can see a lot about the way that they are comfortable, uncomfortable, especially with like bodily fluids and just like, and for me that is, it's just information. It doesn't necessarily summarize, but. Sometimes. Yeah. So sometimes and there's two different occasions

that kind of at the end. I was like, thank you. And it wouldn't. What does it tell you about them, you think? If you go down, like what do you think the oral sex giving tells you? you about them. There's a comfortability that you can feel and then there's your ability to receive that you can feel, right? So is there like, are you awkward or are they awkward? And sometimes people just don't really know how to give oral sex. I know. It's such a great limit. Not like you're testing them, but I know I've been an experience with men. Like they're just not, either they're not into oral sex. There's two parts of this. First off, they just might not be into it, which I've heard a lot. And that doesn't go for me. Like, I've actually ended a relationship with someone who's like,

Yeah, vagina's not my thing. I'm like, you're not my thing. Yeah. But another really important thing you said, is which I think is so wonderful, is you said you were able to receive. I just want to pause for a minute because, again, doing this for two decades, one of the most common things I hear from really all genders, but when it specifically comes from women, receiving oral sex, it's really hard. They're like, I don't know if I like it, or it's taken too long,

or I'm staring at the clock. It's been six minutes. It's been eight minutes. I don't know if you guys ever had that. I remember in college. lying next to my boyfriend and being like, it was those red clocks you have, the blinking lights. It's like, it's been eight minutes.

It's been 10 minutes. He's still going down. Is he still there? Does he want to be there? I'm not coming yet. To you touch their head. Do you make fake noises? Right. What do you do?

What are you supposed to do? Right. Now you're in your head. Now you're in your head. Yeah. Now you're in her head. But the fact that you're able to receive for that, and you have to actually be with a partner who is willing to give.

But just, I want to just note that all of this is a practice. It's all a skill set. Like, I'm sure in college I got up after eight minutes. but there is something called the orgasm gap, and it takes men 8 to 12 minutes to orgasm, it takes women 20 to 40 minutes. So if you're a guy going down on a woman or anyone going on in a woman,

it doesn't matter who you are. Just say, this is my top tip advice. Just say to them, hey, babe, not going anywhere we have all night. Because then we can relax. Yes. Right. But I was just going to mark to that, that I think it's just a great that you had to learn that, though, right?

And then you're like... It became funny. What did you say? And then it became funny. And then it became funny. First I was like, okay. I got to like make sure I engage it. And I was like, this is actually really.

And, you know, I'm not somebody that's a big taker. In general, I have an issue with receiving in very, so many capacity buckets. But so I've been working on that. But it's funny that that showed up in sex because there was two parts to it. It was like, I am an embodied adult woman who, you know, I don't need to necessarily just play this like, oh, yeah, that's amazing. And like, you're just end up faking stuff. And then you're setting the foundation.

for that and that's not intimacy if there's and if you just want to have sex with somebody and like there's a different exchange there that's you know sometimes that that works but they i think the embodiment piece even if if you're giving oral sex or receiving it or having sex like the key for me as soon as i start doing that and i start thinking okay what is it like oh am i supposed to slow slow full body breaths for as many times as you need until you can feel your body drop in and that's it It's just that tool. And that's what we do in the class. That's what we're practicing.

Well, I'm telling you, the class was like a sex for me in my work. I was like, our work is really overlap because that really is the most common thing I tell people. It's not only for the noise, but for the breathing that because a common thing, too, is that a lot of us disassociate during sex. We get numb. We've had, you know, a lot of us have stress, trauma, shame. So much happens that it's really common experience that people leave their bodies or they're thinking about the laundry or I didn't text my boss back. and it's that. It's this slow, deep breath. As many times as you have to do that, if you just go, what am I feeling now in my body? Like, and then you're buying, like, it doesn't

matter. I smell that. I shouldn't be doing with you. What am I feeling? And it works, just like what you teach. It's like, that's how you immediately like link up to the pleasure. It's like vagus nerve too. It's all different types of like, how do you get yourself into a place like receiving in an honest way? Because I've, I've definitely been somebody who, just wants things to be over and kind of like does the thing to make it be over. You know, and I think it just sets a really bad foundation and communication too. Like even the thing with sound and like using sound, it's for me, it's when I'm comfortable with somebody, it's kind of a natural response. And I know sometimes if I'm having sex

with somebody and they just say like one or two words, like holy shit, right? Not even like some big whatever. Like, oh, baby, will you whatever? Because for me, that brings me too much. my head, like, I have to respond. But, like, it's just like a word. You can, like, slow down. Or, like, the tone of your voice or whatever it is. So there could be these tiny little things that you weave through the experience that helps the other person also get into their breath. And sometimes I find even when I just start doing that slow, deep breathing, the other person will match it. They, like, co-regulating each other during sex. That's the key, is that if we can learn to, with our partners, and I'm guessing your partners, probably start to do this

with you too because when we breathe together, right? Then our, what'd you say? My ex-partner. Your ex-partner. I was listening to your podcast earlier and I was like, shit, I really need to have sex. I know, same. It's been a while. I took a little break too.

And I'm like, geez, there's a lot of, there's a lot of people here. I'm working a lot here, you guys. I'm doing like five talks. I'm like, when are we going to go meet the guys? I don't know. I'm like, she's all talk here. I know, but you take it be. But then I think, yeah, also it's like, yeah, after a relationship, you know,

it ebbs and flows and stuff. I feel like you're someone who has like such strong boundaries it feels around sex or relationships too, which I really just feel like you're someone who maybe isn't a pleaser in that way that you've learned to. I really give that off, huh? Because it's really the opposite. Okay. I've had to learn healthy boundaries. Yeah. Whatever that means healthy, I think it's just something that's not going to later cause you more harm in the end. Is the other person open to saying, I don't know everything? And I don't know what I don't know. Because if they're not open to saying that, then their shadow side is likely going to come around and hurt you intentionally. So I think that that like boundary thing is not, it's you just don't let everybody in your house.

Yeah, exactly. That's what came up to me up for me in the journey the other day that I did last week is that I think we really have to understand what we take into our bodies through our sight, our relationships, our food and especially our vagina. Yes. And that engagement and that exchange, you're exchanging energy with someone. So I think that the boundary is not like, oh, I have to have this boundary I have. And of course, like, there's great things of, like, top and bottom line behaviors if you need to get yourself into, like, a more regulated or centered state. But I think it's always a work in progress. And that's why I feel so, so grateful about the relationship I just had, even though it's heartbreaking, because it was love.

And when there's love there and you have any sort of heartbreak or grief, it's just love that was. But there was still love. And all of that, if we can sit and experience, like, okay, I'm heartbroken, but that was so beautiful. And what did I learn in that? I learned how to make love in a new way. I learned how to let myself just be completely, like, vulnerable. I mean, the first time I had sex with him, I bled on him. It was great.

He didn't flinch. You know, it's like all these different things. I know. The flinch. Yeah. And you learned to receive. You probably clocked a lot of hours of oral sex. You get so much from staying in relationship.

and you get so much from not being in a relationship. So I think honoring all of those experiences is what creates the boundaries, but you have to figure out what those are in yourself. Nobody's going to tell you what's going on in there. No, that's true. It's true. That is also a felt experience that we learn. I was just reminded of this guy dated like years ago.

I mean, this was probably my, I don't know, late 20s, 30s. Every time after we had sex, I think one time I did bleed a little. That happens, you guys. He, like would jump up and take a shower right after every time we had sex. Like there was no like aftercare. There was nothing. It's like, no, we got to like just sit. Sex is messy.

Sex is loud. Sex can be, you know, it's everything. But I want to go back to what you said about taking, like what you take in and actually taking someone's energy in. I think it's an interesting distinction because I hear this more from women than men. There's a lot of things where I say, I used to always talk about men are like this, women like this. But after so many years, we're more similar than not.

But this is something I really only heard women say is that every time they have sex with a man, they get attached or they have an orgasm, they get attached and it has to be their person. And so that's one thing. But I also want to say, you said that taking them in, like you have to be so mindful of that and what that does for you. So you could just talk about the experience of like, is this person coming inside of me or not? Like, maybe coming, but you know what I mean? Are we letting them in?

I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. I think that that is a real thing when somebody comes inside of you. Literally. That's an exchange that stays with you. you wonder why three days later you're still thinking about the person, well, semen is sitting inside your womb. Literally, though, right? I mean, so I think there's a few things there, is we have to be mindful. Not we have to be. I think it would be wise for one to be mindful with the words that they

use to cement in who you think you are. So I can't do that because I this, right? Is that a belief? Is that something that you just need to have a little bit more experimentation in in a safe place? Is there a different type of formula or somebody that you can work with that can help you with that? Because I think if we keep saying that I am this way, we're just stuck in the whole thing. And we're including the future of not being able to be open to what life offers. So I think that's one piece. But the other piece, it is. It's an exchange.

And I think that I know even for myself, like the use of alcohol. If you want to go on a date and you want to have a glass of wine, great. If you're just getting drunk and having sex with people, I think that that is the way to unboundary your to the umpteenth degree. You dissociate, you can do things that you don't know if you care or not. It's spirit, right, alcohol. And you're opening up into these other like realms of things that sometimes are a little bit more of shadow, dark kind of energy that can stay with you. So I think that if you are somebody that's sensitive to understand what your word use is around yourself, maybe that just needs a little bit of an adjustment about what you consider yourself,

and that you should know what the engagement of the person is. I even say, you know, you even said to my friend recently who's newly single, like she'd supped to somebody and she didn't use a condom. And I was like, no, this is basic. You ask that person, like you're X amount of years old in her 50s. Like somebody, you can straightforward say, do you have any STDs or use a condom? And it was like, I don't know. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. This is, and if somebody can't hold that space for you to just answer it in a very adult way, that's information too, right? So there's all these little kind of trigger points along the way that you can play with. And then if you feel like that person's somebody that you would enjoy making love with or having sex with, then yes.

But, you know, I do think being wise and not just getting wasted and letting anybody inside your body is important. Which is a lot of people have sex that way, which is fine. But it's also like maybe not be the most embodied sex. But I think it's the cultural conditioning, I think, that says if I have sex with someone, we just believe these things. So then we get to decide for ourselves. But you could also have sex with somebody and you don't have to get attached in the traditional sense. You could, I always say like, did you have pleasure from it? Did it feel good to you?

Was it a choice? Like, because otherwise you don't have to say, well, this is my future or whatever. Maybe it was just a really great night because you were able to feel your body, ask for what you want. It doesn't matter if you see him again. Like if it's consensual. But I think I just hear from this. I don't know what you hear from your single friends right now. And I don't know if it's a generational.

I don't know ways, but they're like, I just can't. Like, I don't find anyone attracted to, and if I sleep with them, I'm going to have to marry. It's like, that's conditioning. What if it's about you and your pleasure? Yeah. Be mindful of those words. And it's, you are speaking that out. That is what you are pumping out.

So if what you're saying is there's nobody out there and there's no good, whatever, blah, and I'm this. Great. That's your life. That's what you're putting out. That's your life. So it's just sometimes a little tweak and to catch yourself on that. And then what's the other flip side of that? I'm open to a fill in the blank whatever it is that your heart desires and sometimes that changes.

And I think what you're saying too about the pleasure piece is that's the important piece that even why I was just bringing up my past relationship or my most recent is because if you can still honor the time of the beauty of it, if you had a really amazing exchange, beautiful. But then it's the law of attachment and detaching. I'm attaching all of these stories to this experience that it can't go away. And this meant something. Let go. Let go. Right? So that's where the spiritual practice comes in, honestly.

Well, I love the way you're handling it. It sounds like it really was a beautiful experience. And you got a lot of oral sex, which I like. It's so funny because sex is not just one thing. Obviously, there's so many, it's relational, emotional, hormonal, physical, spiritual. But how would you say that your relationship to your body has changed to like motherhood and perimenopause and all that stuff? Oh my gosh. Well, I live in this world.

So we hear what we hear and we see what we see. And of course it takes a while to unbuckle yourself from some of these things like, oh, I have a baby and this is what happens to my vagina. And then nobody is, so then I have to stay in some unhealthy because, you know, it's like stories that we tell ourselves based on what the world says. And I'm sure you've heard other people say this. I'm 47 now, but I feel more comfortable with my body than I ever have. And I know when I was 20, people would say that to me, oh, just wait. And I would think, oh, my gosh, you're like totally old and I can't even imagine you being sexy. Right.

So it's these like passages that we go through that we have to embody ourselves to understand what it means. And I think that's honestly too because I try to take really good care of myself. I try to, I really have to work hard on that self-love piece. I've been having to work. some of those structures of like, I am broken, I am damaged, I have all this trauma, I have all this upbringing. And it's now, that is where all of the magic came from. I'm living forward with that. I'm so grateful for those experiences and those carmic contracts that I signed with those people to say, let me look at myself and see if I'm going to evolve with this or if I'm going to, you know.

So I think all of that is part of it because as it pertains to sex and engagement and everything that you said, there's so many layers. I feel more connected to being able to speak the truth in a way that feels new to me. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I think that's just maturity. Yeah, I think so too.

I think it's interesting because people used to tell me that too. Like, oh, just wait to get older. And I was like, well, what does that mean? Because I know that sex, yeah, knowing our bodies, but for me, a big piece of it has just been embodiment work. Like, just because I think I was very performative. It was all about my partner's pleasure and moving my bodies and ways that look good for them.

And then once I learned, which is why I've been talking to someone, well, we're talking you about your class, but that to me was like this one container. of a place where if you have felt shame around your body or the way you move or the way you make noise, it's just like that was such a great container for that because that is, I think, why when I think back to myself, when I was like, not only did I fake orgasms, like that was, it was like my career in my 20s, I fake orgasms. I was so good at I would fake multiple orgasms because I was like, I'm on a roll here. Same.

Yeah. I was like, I'm so good at this. But there was no, and I thought I was winning because he was, like, was. having a good time, right? It's like, I'm the best. I'm the best ever. You're amazing. Go get your vibrator.

No one's ever, ever, ever not had an orgasm of me. You know, so just to learn that, like, yeah, and that my noises are more primal and it takes me a beat to orgasm. So all of that, you know, was a process. And different penises work differently. Yeah. Some shapes. I know there's a couple bexes that I had there.

I could have an orgasm in two minutes. Yeah. And then there's some different anatomy sometimes. You've got to work things a little differently. Yeah, exactly. It's different. I was always faking, and then, like, what I'm saying in terms of, like, the foundational piece or setting the foundation, it's okay to not have an orgasm and be like, I didn't have an orgasm to tell. Who cares?

Who cares? But then you do better the next time. You go slower. You ask for something different. You communicate offline and be like, do you want to try a different position? Like, can we try it out here instead of in the bedroom? Because it gets a little funny. Like, will you lay over here and, like, oh, my God, that's so weird.

My ankle hurts, you know? Like, whatever. Like, it's supposed to be fun. The best sex is when it's raw and messy and unfilter and a big thing is safety, too. So I think when we feel not with any partner, I think when we're like drunk and doing our things, but it's when you're someone when you feel safe and you create a safe container, that's when you realize that sex is everything, all of these things. Yeah, that is really the core piece.

It is the core. Safety. Yeah. You can have such like beautiful sessions without an orgasm of love making when you feel safe. There's such an exchange, you know. That's when the letting go happens. And the safe in yourself, that's a bit of... Safe in your body.

In the class, there's so many stories that we tell ourselves based on our own projections out of whatever we think of somebody or people that trigger us or whatever. And then how do we self-lacerate, take that back on ourselves? Well, I'm not good enough. So it's really like dissolving some of those stories from the cells, right? It's really body work that we're doing in there to get it out of the body. And then to allow yourself to plant new seeds through your words and the ways that you show up for yourself because you are at the end of the day.

when you take that last breath, hopefully you are the one that you loved the most. And any relationship is a mirror to that, right? They're just holding up a mirror to say like, and I think that's what happens in relationships or any sort of like when you first start having sex with somebody and it's amazing or whatever it is, right? The newness. That things will start to shift. And are you able to stay and say, okay, well, this person's not mirroring back to me my own,

oh my God, I feel so much love because that's what it is when you're in love. It's because you're feeling love. It's your feeling. But how can you hold on to that feeling and then figure out how to move? it into a different, you know, so that's what we do in the class through the body. It's like, okay, it's been in this compartment for so long, this word use in the story. What would it feel like if I moved a little bit of it? Just through sound, just through faith, you know, and then see what shows up.

Yeah. So that's what I love about it. And it's like, yeah, and knowing that your body can go there and you're still safe. Yes. That's it. Taryn, I'd love you describe each decade of your sex life with just a couple of words or sentences. We'll see how it goes. Your teens.

Drunk. Your 20s. Formuliac. your 30s early 30s non-existent and late 30s

a little bit spicy 40s delicious and what are you still learning it's not even learning but this is what I feel like has been the newest kind of embodiment for me is to engage in the experiences as they come in your life

let them fill you and let them go because there's so much wisdom and value in every single one of those engagements, even if it ends up feeling like it was negative, there's some blessing in there. But you just have to pay attention and use it. I love that you keep coming back to that, like all the experiences. I think it's just a good reframe because we get so caught up and like this relationship did this for me and this wouldn't really hurt me and I suffered. And we what?

And sides. Who did it right? Who did it wrong? Just like you're upset because there was love and there was connection. and we all bring our own stuff to the table. We do in every relationship. It's so true. And I think I used to, people like, why'd you break up with something?

Like, well, he did this and he did that. It's like, no, you learn. Like, oh, I am part of this now. We are part of this. We are co-creating this together. Yes. I also love that you talk about, like, being, like, silly and spiritual. And you really are now that I met you.

We do all this stuff. Like, what about like that duality? How does that play out? How do you do that with your, like, you know, especially like the wellness world can take things so seriously? Yeah. I don't know. I've always been this way.

since I was little. I just remember, like, there's, I'm not actively trying to be silly. I just think that there's a lightheartedness that ends up in the whole field around you when you can just lighten up. And it's even like I said in class today, like stuck up, that's a word, right? Stuck up. When you say somebody's stuck up, it's just that their energy is stuck, right? So if you can just be silly, and I always, not always, I often think that when you're in the middle of something really chaotic or something intense and something funny happens and you just laugh your face, off that is always a sign that spirit is near. It is a little divine intervention because it spreads, it's contagious, you know. So being able to be light, but to understand that there are spaces that

your holiness sacred, your body is one of them. The way you move your body is important. The things that you're saying to yourself when you're moving your body is important, but it is also so important to just lighten up and how. Yeah, I know. None of it really matters. I know. You're fine. Like I feel like lately I ask myself a lot, like what are the, and it's even what I talk about, like having more pleasure in our life, but what are those things that gives you pleasure in your life now that you're doing just for you that are fun and joyful? I'm asking everyone in my life. It sounds silly, but I love to go to the farmer's market and just like put flowers all over my apartment. I know. Sit on the Warren Street bench and put my feet in the grass and these poop and laugh. It's really simple. It's like I live in the

city, so it's like very simple, simple, simple. I love to play cards with a bottle of wine in the park with the geese poop. I love being with my girls, even though. I love being with my girls, even though. know they hate me right now. Right. They're at the teens. Teenagers. Oh, yeah. How do you talk to them about what you do?

When you came in here, you're like, yeah, they might not be okay with you talking about sex. I don't think, I mean, I don't think they'll hear this, but I thought about it on the way in because they're horrified with everything I do. If I walk in the room with a pair of black shoes on, they're like black shoes. And I'm just like, I'm like, literally. It's just, I'm like. No, they just can you can't win either. I know.

That's true. What do they think about you dating? Like, have they met anyone that you've dated? And, you know, the only person that I've ever introduced or even spoken about to my girls is my most recent boyfriend. I always kept that really clean even when I would date anyone because I just don't need them to be in process with me. But the person that I was just with was, he also had children. So it was really the next step to show that we were in relationship. And so I introduced them.

My oldest daughter was like, this is amazing. He's kids. And now we'll have this whole thing. And I'm like, trust me, babe. I've always wanted to calm you. and like I'm one step closer, maybe it's not this one, but, you know, like building in blended families.

And my ex-husband and I have a beautiful relationship. We live in the same apartment building. I'm over it as apartment every night when the girls were there and having dinner. So it's like I do have a really beautiful kind of arrangement with that where I think that that allowed both my ex-husband and I to keep it really clean with telling one another that we were dating. We just kind of did our own thing.

Yeah, I think kept like an unspoken kind of thing that we didn't do because we had such a, you know, nice flow. It definitely changed things, you know. It felt more real. And, you know, now my oldest daughter just asks me every day. But she's interesting because she reflected something back to me a couple weeks ago that was like, yeah, do you think that the reason why you're not feeling like you really want to like surrender into this relationship is because of what happened with Dada? And I was like, she? She's 16.

But I was just like, wow. You know, of course I do. Yeah. But I would never say that. You know? That's really why. It's his fault. No, I would never.

Of course, I did. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, so they're interesting because I think that it's really smart to be mindful of, like, they don't need to be holding your adult stuff. I've seen it happen so much. It happened to me. My mom was, you know, dating a lot of people. Yeah, same.

I had that, too. It's kind of messy. It can be messy. But it sounds like you are good at handling the endings of it and, like, making. You know, it's always really important to me. Yeah. Endings. Same.

Some of my, a lot of people in my life. know that about me. If there was love there, it matters. And sometimes space and time and going on your own way is super important. But I just think that it's really beautiful to be able to honor all of the beauty that happened in the time that you had together. And, you know, my ex and I, it wasn't like it is now when we first got divorced. Right. Do you need a be? Seven years, eight years. Do you want to fall in love again and be in a relationship again? Like, what do you think it looks like now? I was so scared this last time. I mean, I don't know if I've ever had more resistance in my life. And I didn't know how scared I was. I always thought I was very free and very open.

and I had kind of organized my own engagement in terms of what I would do and I have great community. And I think I got a little bit love avoidant, honestly. And I started just being closed off and I called it like, oh, I'm so good with myself, which I do think was true, which is why I think I was able to be open to a relationship. But I was super resistant. I was so scared to fall in love. I super fell in love. I feel like the feeling I'm having now of my heartbreak is the one that I felt a year ago.

You know, it's that funny feeling where you're like, I know, I'm totally fucking psychic. Or I'm feeling their unprocessed shit. And I know this is going to hurt me at the end of the day. Or you're just projecting all of your stuff. I think it does matter to be able to take space and to honor what you had and to see if there's a reunion at some point. Not necessarily just in a romantic way.

Yeah, even with him, but with anyone even. But like, what are you seeing like your friends? Like, do you think relationship structures are changing now? Like people are maybe more open or dating several people at once. Like, what are you seeing with your friends? Yeah. There's so many different conversations that are going on. I mean, I'm in my late 40s.

A lot of my friends are in their early 50s. so of course, not of course, but what I've seen is that there's a lot of shifts happening with long marriages and changes and people are trying to work out different ways. Like, do you open the marriage? Do you not? And this is like across the board. Personally, I don't know how that would work. And for me, like, I always just listen to what people have to experience.

I think they're on their own journey and having both partners okay with the setup and not just convincing someone, you know, otherwise you're just working toward a different type of collapse. It ends up really painful. and then not in relationship later. I think exiting gracefully is super important. Even to go back on that acting out thing that I was saying earlier, I think acting out sometimes is like if you're married and you act out in that it helps burn the house down a lot faster,

but it leaves a lot more debris, you know? So anyway, I hope that that was clear. No, totally clear. Okay, so I want to end with one reflection. You've said that when we start performing less and feeling more, everything changes. If you could leave everyone with one truth about pleasure, what would it be? You deserve it.

I love it. And if you could give every person one embodied practice to reconnect with herself or himself tonight or any self that you are, what would it be? I think that anything where you're shaking the body, like just literally take three minutes up and down, head, tapping the head, just moving the currents of energy through and then get quiet, one hand on your heart and just listen to your heart. It's not listen to the thoughts. which is different than thinking about listening to your heart. There's so much information, but we have to grow that connection to it. All right. Thank you.

Where could everyone find you? And what's going on in your life? What are you excited about? How can they join what you're doing? Join your movement. So, we have a global streaming platform. We launched three months before the pandemic, which was wild, because we built that for about a year. So we streamed to 75 countries out of New York and L.A.

So we have studios there. Digital subscriptions. You can move with us in the live stream classes as well as all the, on demand. And then we do retreats all over the world. I just got back from Peru. Two weeks ago, we're doing a few different things at residency up at the ranch. We're all over. But you can find the class.com. I got that URL for $7,000. $1,000. Okay. Well, that's what I started hearing about you during the pandemic, wasn't it was really like everyone was taking your classes and doing the thing. Okay, thank you so much. Your work is amazing, changing lives, giving people

better sex, more pleasure, all the things. Thanks for being here. Thank you. That was amazing. questions from the audience. Anyone? Hi. Hi. I'm really curious about your like two years or however a lot of was of just getting me that. I'm curious how you are to feeling your boundaries around that, like what the invitations have like. She said when I was on the two years sprint, oh two years sprint, letting men give me oral sex. Thank you. How did that engagement go? Go ahead. Thank you. I don't know if it was two years. That was better. I would literally just say you can go down on me. Yeah.

That was it. Period. Yeah. Yeah. I remember one guy could not even find my clit. Yeah. And I was like, this is not going to work. I know.

And not because there's anything like it. No, I get it. You can find your, you have a great vagina. Anatomy. You can find a clip. Yeah. But sometimes you got to just, yeah, you got to give them some direction. I know for me, I've just let them know that it's a really important part of my

my arousal and I love it. And when they're doing it, like, oh, my God, that's amazing. That was so great. I mean, how you wouldn't doubt it. But I just, I just keep it. It's highly. Making it very comfortable. Here's a pillow.

You want to settle in. Need a snack first. No, I don't do that. See, I was never so explicit about like this matters to me. I would just, if I was hanging out with them and there was an exchange and something felt like it was going somewhere, I would just offer that. You're welcome to go down on me, I would say. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And it wasn't trying to be like a badass or anything. It was just like that's what felt like the entry point. I don't know. Sometimes this scene is more intimate than that for me. It's almost like it was a protection. Yeah. No, I love that because I also think that the way, well, we, like, I think our generation

was like, you got to give a blowjob, but you might get oral sex, you might not. And I just love that. Even in media, you're seeing that now, like, you're seeing actually women receiving oral sex without having to do anything for it. That's amazing. Anyone else say, hi? How are you speaking to your daughters about sex and their sexuality? I just tell them, I try to create a really open space for them to know that, like, whatever it is they're going to share with me, neither of them right now. I think my younger one is going to be a lot faster than my older one, that I'm just here to support, you know?

And the most recent experience with the man that I was dating, I would only share to them what I would want them to know as like a role model, but I would never tell them that. So I do think role modeling in the real way is important for kids and to make sure you create an environment. I mean, I definitely have talked to them about the birds and the bees and the way they're like, mama. And I'm like, I know I just got to say it so I can check this box,

you know, in that way of like, but they know that I'm very open and that I'm, you know, in the way of like open door to them and that I probably have a lot of life in there. So I hope that they would ask or talk to me, but we'll see. Yeah. Time will tell. We got to keep talking to them. They don't know the questions sometimes. I keep saying, let's talk about it.

Let's talk about it. Even young kids that, you know, they're touching themselves or masturbating and just like bringing, I know they are. That's so key. You have to ask the questions sometimes. And there's a lot of different influences going on in their life that teach them about, periods are scary or like your vagina is really like so I think making sure that you can unwind a little bit of that by being yeah yeah vagina gets such bad PR like as a girl even as

you're got to like oh god we're going to bleed we're going to hurt we're going to get pregnant like it's just yeah you got to like celebrate it with that right I got my daughter a cake when she got her first period this is so you and I'm like you're going to remember it's true it's important anyone else any other questions nothing's off limits all right I love a job you're all here. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at Sex with Emily.com. for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.