Sex With Emily - What's in a Dame? with Alex Fine

Episode Date: September 14, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by co-founder of Dame Products Alexandra Fine to talk about women in sex tech, g-spots, and so much more. The discuss the ins and outs of running a sex toy company, have the old g-spot debate and why you should never question its existence again, and how to stop losing interest in your partners after the first sexual encounter. Plus, why having an STD is not the end of the world. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Aneros, Brooklinen, Apex, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily Follow Alex on all social: @afinehuman Follow Dame on all social: @dameproducts For even more sex talk, tips, and tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by co-founder of Dame Products Alexander Fine to talk about women in sex tech, the ins and outs of running a sex toy company, and the g-spot debate. What is it? Where is it? And why you should never question its existence again. Why having an STD is not the end of the world? And are you a one and done kind of person? How to stop losing interest in your partners after the first sexual encounter? All this and more, thanks for listening. No one can't be a person, how to stop losing interest in your partners after the first sexual encounter. All this and more, thanks for listening. They call them in a bike on day. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common moment? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god. I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Go to sexthelemy.com.

Check it out. Check out our website because it's a good time and you can also follow us on all social media. It's at Sexthelemy across the board. On Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and here's the fun news. You can listen to podcasts pretty much everywhere that you're hanging out these days, modify Google Play, iHartRadio, SoundCloud,

if you're into that sort of thing everywhere. So thanks to everyone for listening, checking us out in iTunes, I appreciate when you review us there, it helps the show, and um. That makes me happy, because I want to keep doing shows, because I love you all, And I also love my guest. She's amazing. Alexander Fine.

She's the co-founder of Dame Products. You know, I love a good sex toy. She is an innovative woman. She's a master's in clinical psychology from Columbia. And she focused on marriage and sex therapy. So we're going to talk about that. She also realized, but what's going on with women and sex women aren't having great sex.

They deserve more orgasms. So she's very innovative and started dating products and I just adore her CEO and co-founder of dating products. Alex, fine. Hi. Hi. I'm so excited she came from New York. Stop by, sit down.

Hello, we're gonna get some dinner. But first, we're gonna talk business and sex. So welcome to the show. Tell me, people not everyone to get some dinner. But first, we're going to talk business and sex. So welcome to the show. Tell me, people not everyone knows about your journey here. So let's tell me about your journey with Dame products. Yeah, so Dame products has been a company for a little over four years now. It was started by myself and my co-founder, Janet. Janet went to MIT for mechanical engineering.

And as you mentioned, I wanted to be a clinical psychologist for a long time. I got my masters in psychology at Columbia, and I had worked at Planned Parenthood and really focused my studies on sexuality, women studies. But ultimately, I'm just not very good at listening and I'm really impatient. So I was like, let me see what else is out there. I worked in a consumer goods company. I loved it. It was like a three to four person company depending on that part of my journey.

And I was like, oh, I love entrepreneurship. This is amazing. What if I made sex toys? Like, I can put my passion for passion and mix it with entrepreneurship and maybe more effectively impact women's sexuality in that way. So what about sex toys before, like, why a sex toy? Had you had experience with sex toys before? Oh, yeah.

So you were a connoisseur fan. So I am 30. In 1998 is when Sex and the City had that rabbit at the start. It was like 20 years ago this month. It was 20 years ago. So for me, I definitely felt growing up, like sex toys were like risque, but like everybody's doing it. Right, and I knew where Bay Blan was

because I grew up outside of New York City. So I, in some ways, like you had used vibrators, I think probably maybe around 16, starting, maybe I know how I got one. And yeah, they were never, they never felt, well, a ton of them just broke on me. I had one light on fire. They did the batteries and stuff.

They tried to start heating out. I had the bullet with the wire and one time, when you want your vibrator to work, you want your vibrator to work. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I always say, like, what you want your vibrator to work, you want your vibrator to work. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, I always say, like, people like, what's the worst sex you ever have?

Like, literally when I was there, my vibrator dies. It's when that used to happen. Not as much as you want to vibrate. It's so bad. So you had, so you were, obviously, studying sex, experiences sex, had your own toys, and then you're like, oh my god, I want to make a toy. I want to make a toy.

I mean, I always wanted to help more vulva owners experience more pleasure. Women are four times more likely to say that sex has been not at all pleasurable in the last year. They're half as likely to have an orgasm during sex. They're just a whole list of stigma and issues around female sexuality relative to male sexuality. And I just really wanted to impact that in my life and making toys that were designed to increase female pleasure in a way that made partners still feel included in the experience seemed like something that people weren't really necessarily doing in the space.

Plus, I feel like all the toys out, not all of them, but a lot of them, there was definitely the stuff that was lighting on fire and not great quality and not safe at the time. There was the jelly stuff. And then there was the high, high end stuff that was really amazing, but I never felt like it was marketed for me.

It felt really hypersexual. They were like, it was like in dark packages. It was like very sexy and really expensive, too. So I felt like. Yeah, it's true. They were when they changed about, I'm trying to think is, probably about 10 years ago, 12 years ago.

I think like, I think you mentioned that I was reading something you wrote Jimmy Jane like early on when they started and it was like, that wasn't the first one. Yeah, maybe even 2000. And you're like, oh, it early on when they started. And it was like that wasn't the first one. Yeah, yeah. It was even 2000. And you're like, oh, it doesn't look like a big penis. Like that's, and a lot of the toys were developed by men

and thinking, well, women must want a penis. Yeah. People must, like, that's just, must be what they want in the extension, because I'm not there. Like that whole mentality around, I think we have come a long way since then, and even since the sex in the city episode, which was so pivotal. That is literally the one moment on television

that people can bring up where they saw a vibrator, like the first time. And then they get to where they are now, but you're right, so those toys, like 10 years ago, is when they started changing. That's what I love about your product, is that your toy, is that it really something is wearable. So yeah, oh, right, okay, so.

I know, you've got so much stuff here. You guys, you know I always bring it back, okay? So we launched this company. I finally, I had this idea for this one specific vibrator, which is called EVA. Now we make a few, but this was kind of the product that launched us. It's a hands-free, petrol vibrator that a vulva owner can wear. It has these bendable wings that tuck underneath the labia madrura. It pushes them out kind of like a spider-man or a ninja climbing up a wall or something

and that keeps the motor in place and you can wear it while you're being penetrated. 70% of women and there's a lot of research out there that shows it's even higher in some way have their most sexual sensation via their clitoris. Yes. So we wanted to create a way for role-owners to have that simulation during penetrative sex. Piving, somebody called it piving. Piving, PV sex.

Piving, like penis in vagina. Piving, I love it. I'm trying to spread it. I think it should catch on. Generally, when people think of sex, that is what they think of. But it's actually a really male-centric view of sex and we often view sex as like ending with the male orgasm. How can we increase female pleasure and what does that look like?

So anyway, Eva, we created it. I met my co-founder very serendipitously and she was able to like take these very scary things I was making at home and turn them into like a beautiful manufactured product. We launched it on Indiegogo, which is a crowdfunding platform. Right. I mean, it is over half a million dollars. Amazing. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. Thank you.

Did you have to like petition them to allow you to actually do a crowdfunding. Sure. Okay. So we had a, we reached out to Kickstarter and they denied us. And so we went on Indiegogo and Ind GoGo is really supportive of the industry at the time and they didn't, we didn't have to petition. But then two years later, we launched our second product, which is Finn, which is also phenomenal.

It's a finger vibrator. It's really just easy to hold and grip. Okay. Again, it's like, the goal that that time was we wanted to make touch, to increase touch without taking away from what it's like to touch somebody. Often times we use these toys. A lot of these toys become the experience.

They put, it's like a long stick of plastic, maybe between you and your partner. So we wanted to minimize the space. So it's kind of like a small little bullet vibrator with those, you know the things that people put in the back of their phones. It's like almost like that, some of the back of it. Yeah, like little topper.

So it just like fits between your fingers. People with arthritis love it. It's just like so easy to hold. And then we, at that point, our offices just happened to be around the block from Kickstarter and we had met them in the scene and they started to know us and we sent them an email and being like, hey, we're about to do our second crown funding campaign. We're just curious how you guys feel about us maybe using the platform and they kind of came back to us and they were like, you know what, we've viewed how we feel about the

space and what the space can be and like you've changed our minds essentially and they let us on the platform. It's amazing. Yeah, it was a tough decision because we had such a great experience with IndigoGo. And we felt like we were switching. Oh, I see. I get it.

Right, because it was too good to get it better. But it was just so amazing to be the first. Yes. I was like, I'm sorry. I was like, I'm falling, which one? Okay, got it. You're also learned a lot through the last four years. When doing this, I'm sure from Volvo owners, I'm trying to get better at this really.

I mean, I just have to. It's true. People with volvas, Volvo owners. It's hard because on the internet. Because it's changing. And just so my listeners know, like, say, woman man, but that's really, is a sumter right now with different gender identities, like to say person with a volva, person with penis, penis owners.

It's funny because generally you don't need to identify people that way. I actually make products for volvas. Right. That's literally. But even now, you, right. Yeah, because right, there are now there are men, or there probably have been for quite some time, but now we really have a lot, a stronger population that identifies men and even present as men and feel like everything is masculine.

Not masculine, but they have a vagina. They have a vulva, and that's fantastic. And the products work for them as well. Exactly. Even though actually sometimes testosterone can change your vulva a little bit. So there are different shapes, which is something that we think about in product developments.

Right. You've a fits different people differently. It depends on how enlarge your clitoris is, which is what testosterone often does to the clitoris. So if it gets really enlarged, it will kind of be hard to wear Eva. Okay. So Finn is definitely better for that. And it's definitely something that we're like considering to and our design. Because we're going to be making some more.

Oh yeah, we're launching more stuff. This is the whole thing. We have a little program called Dame Labs where anybody can kind of sign up to be involved in helping us design our products and we send out surveys. That's awesome. Yeah, it's a Dame products stuff. How was it can find it, right? Yeah, you're going to see a lot of my show notes as well.

Yeah, we'll make sure it gets out there. We will. We're both been in this industry and you've learned a lot in last few years that you've been doing this five years, not four years. So you've gotten great feedback. It's been really successful, you guys. You know that I know all the toys out there

and what have you learned about sex or response from all the owners? I would say I feel like- Happy volume. Yeah, I often feel like I relearn like just like the most simple truth every now and then, we are different and we all experience sensation differently

and there's a huge variety of what we like and it's very subjective. And sometimes I'm always just shocked by that cultural simulation, it seems to really be the preferred products we're excited to make internal toys. Something I personally learned is how much I like internal toys. I didn't know until I actually started. I've been more aggressively trying out sex toys since now that I have a sex toy company.

Exactly. They sent them to you. Well, crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I really love weighted dildos. Oh, not even by the dildos.

Not even by the dildos. Dildos, internal products that have a mass, I didn't realize the weight, it's about pressure play. More than vibration internally. And that was something that I had no idea. So while we've been making toy, it's something like 80% of what we did is survey recently an 80% preferable

for a collateral by graders. Well, that's what we did this study recently and 80% preferred Clotoros by graders. Well, that's what we did this study too. So we were asking our listeners, was it our formal study? It might have been our formal study, but we just did a big survey and then we did one on Twitter, but we're asking people, and most people want the Clotoros, which makes sense,

because the Clotoros is where all the magic happens. That's why we have 8,000 nerve endings there, and it's not just that little bud. So that's kind of the entry point, but so many Toysy were oriented towards that. And you're making me think of, I'm going to go right into the sex, the news thing here, because I feel like, you said you keep learning things over and over again, but yeah, in a way, I mean, there's a long time

things do change, but there's really some things like people can test the G spot. And does it really exist or why does it exist or how do you explain where it is? I also find that people that I am close with in my life, not just listeners, but they're like that I think would know or would be more familiar or like, is that one of a G-spot like women friends of mine? And I still feel like we're so insular in this industry in some many ways, but yeah, that people are surprised by it and they still want to know what it is. So what is the deal with the G-Spot?

So over the years, bit, they're having conflicting ideas over what it is. And it was invented by Ernst Gravenberg, which I always think it's funny that a man was the one who was like, hey, there is this G-Spot. It is real, so why is your controversy? So it's more complicated, and it's not just like a spot. It's really like, oh, well, is it actual anatomical structure like our doctors and medical

school? And this is the G spot. You know, it's more about the tissues that are getting some people think it is an extension of the clitoris. Many theories abound about the G spot, you know, it's real and pleasure, whether or not it's a myth, it's understood by medical professionals and sexual experts, sexual experts like ourselves here to be part of the urethral, literal, complex. It extends inside the body up to five inches well into the labium and Adamin, and the G-Spot is part of the clitorisum, say, the back end of the internal structure. I just wanted to discuss with you about, because you just brought this up about the toys,

like, people often think of the G-Spot as this holy grail of orgasms, and there's something wrong if we can't have it. I just want everyone to chill a little bit out of our life. People often think that the G-Spot is this holy grail of orgasms and there's something wrong if we can't have it. Oh, for it. I just want everyone to chill a little bit out about it. And I do, you know, hope that people just do the exploring that women are like, I'm going to go inside. I'm just going to figure it out. I'm going to use a toy. They could use same products. They could use the Eva. They could use the fin. I always say, if you are looking for it, do a little research, knock out that orgasm first,

the clitor orgasm, and then it can help you more in the g spot. So let's just talk about your thoughts on the g spot, all that we threw out there. My thoughts are that if people are reporting the experience, then it exists, right? Right. I just really don't know how we, you know, like I think, I think, I think Kinsey had, I think reported that there was somebody interviewed who was able to orgasm from rubbing their eye, bruh. Yeah.

So like, you know, that's, well, right in your thoughts, like whatever does, you know, whatever brings you to orgasm is great. And if there is a spot in your body that seems to have some kind of nerve connection that gives you pleasure in your brain, then that for you is a spot. So, it exists. It does exist. So, how would you explain it? Okay.

Okay. Where is the G spot? I like to see it. I like to see it. I like to see it. The G spot is on the frontal wall. It's about usually an inch to two inches up on the frontal wall and you kind of change it's like, like, squishing it. Yeah, it's great. And it's like two feet. You put a finger inside, come Heather motion towards the front wall and you kind of kind of change is like squishiness.

Yeah, it's okay. And it's like two big, you put a finger inside, come Heather motion towards the front terawall. And you can find like a rough, like an apricot pitch, or a peach pit. Ooh, like that, yes, like the... You can get rough and kind of swollen, that's how you can find it by penetrating it,

by kind of applying pressure. Yeah. And I think that another thing you do is to also, instead of just looking for it, to kind of like do that stroking come that Come hit their motion that we're talking about but go from side to side really slowly and see if there's a part where it does feel different I think Sometimes when you're just trying to hit the spot you actually just might be hitting it over and over again

But you're not sure it's like try a different spot that doesn't feel good and to feel more Exactly because you never know because that's that's why it does help to be warmed up. I think just going in for it, that's why I love my clitoral toys and I think that's for a lot of women the clitoral organism is the... I honestly easiest one. Yeah, but sometimes I even use a clitoral toy and I've had something like one of my pet peeves of toys is when they don't have a low enough setting. Yeah.

And I have to like layer, like we're all like put a, put the toy underneath the pillow or something. Right, right, right. Or just trying to have like three pairs under wraps. Yeah, yeah, just like, it's about, it's a slow warm up and that feels, for me, I like that. I agree. I like how the toys, people just, I think,

I think what we're saying is that all this stuff about exploring it really is important to Not give up also if you've just been looking in one way, but there's a lot of other sensations one toy can give you so many different so much pleasure So yes, you gotta keep looking for the pleasure spots So when you said you've just discovered G-Spot toys mm-hmm be prior to that. How do you orgasm? Like how did you first discover it so I need to know I actually have internal and external Okay, so I think that's what it's hard to feed but I had to go on this Splunking mission. Yeah, but I definitely didn't really know where my own

G-Spot was I also wonder if Penetration being viewed as like sex, like in what sex actually is, if that like made it to me, just like more taboo and dirtier and therefore like I was into it more or something and it was like, I remember when I was younger and I first started having sex

like literally having an orgasm within like the first three, like just like because there was like a piece inside of me. I wonder if it was even just more mental than it was. Like I was so revved up and those like first year or so having sex, like every time you're like, oh my god, are we going to have? Right. Is it gonna, is it like, are we gonna do it?

Like, that's not the situation anymore. And now it's like, like, she's married, she's an old man. She's not married. She's not. She's been dating for a long time, or even in your 20, for me in my 20s, when sex was definitely something I knew I wanted to do, and I was gonna even go for it and all of that.

You had an orgasm within the first time that the penis went inside of you. Yeah, it was really. You guys don't try this at home. This is not normal. This is very rare. I don't know how I probably kind of want to hand. How many times I've heard that someone had an orgasm the first time that it's X. I definitely, and I was even, I think I was orgasm in this little kid. So you were like masturbating or you feel that? Yeah. I used to like hug

all my pillows. And like, and all my stuffed animals fluffy had mouth, fluffy, had a potentially traumatic life. I'm not really sure how fluffy feels about it. Right. Right. Well, fluffy was a pet. Not a real pet. Not a real pet. No, we can't talk more than the air if it was.

But right, so you were one of those, I wish I've such envy. I really do an admiration. Whatever. For girls who are like, kid, I didn't know. But everybody is different and everybody explores it differently. And I think that that makes your experience just different. And maybe in some ways there's probably parts of it that I would feel envious of. And probably that's what makes the world go round.

Yeah. But really for women I was like, God, you just, you had that. I think that that is, and then I really liked it. And I wanted to talk about it. And I wanted to experience it more. Like I definitely felt like when I was younger, and in my teenage years, you're a woman, you're either gonna be a mom, or you're gonna be a whore.

It's gonna be one of those two, and I was way more stoked to be a whore. I just was like, seeing more interest. I just, I was like, oh, I wanna like, yeah. And I wanted to. How did that manifest, like at a horror for you? Like, what did you do? Like get your brain?

Or in your life? I don't, I think it's actually funny because I'm saying that like on one hand. And then actually what happened was in, I don't know if I wanted to be a horror. I know it's like, you mean like the two structures that I think you're kind of giving? Yeah, exactly.

But I was like a good girl. Am think you're kind of giving. Yeah, exactly. But I was like a good girl. I'm like, I'm gonna sleep pretty slutty. Yeah. But I was also like a goody, goody in some ways that I was a straighty student and like, I got the grades. I'm like, yeah. I was like a tomboy too.

I really liked, I was really competitive with the boys and I in sixth grade like some of my good guy friends wanted to know what kissing felt like. And I was like, I totally make that happen for you. And I like kiss three boys in one night and that did not go over well in the school. What did parents have called? No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, like people were just me. I mean, there's more to it. People really mean to me. And I like went home crying that day. And then like was definitely felt a little slut-shamed and In sixth grade. Yeah, in sixth and seventh grade and then I got really Was much more Garded about doing the things I wanted to do because I was concerned about like the societal feedback So yeah, so it's like we do because I was concerned about the societal feedback.

So yeah, that, so it's like, we're because on one hand, I was like, yeah, I totally was like, oh, the matum on this TV show seems like she's in control of the situation and seems dope. Like, I think that's what I want to be. That's just way more interesting in the mom, like talking diverse and whatever. I agree, I get that. Um, like, but, 2G diapers or whatever. Totally. I agree. I get that.

But then on the flip side, I definitely did not, like, the social statement. No, no, it's not true. Not true, because girls, everyone can be so mean. So what do we do now, though? Because women are still not, I guess, in our businesses and our world, we're trying to change, but women are not having pleasurable sex. They're not able to ask what they want. I would rather have women kiss and experiment

in a safe way than not, because they're afraid they're gonna get ridiculed. That's what I think I was more shut down because I was afraid of, I was raised to be like a good girl many ways. So that was where I told myself, but now I wish maybe I've made up for it. But when I was in high school,

I went the other way, I was afraid that if I made out with it, I did something, I'd sex with someone that they would judge me or that it would be a thing. So I was like, I just not gonna, I was afraid that if I made out with, I did something, I had sex with someone that they would judge me or that it would be a thing. So I was like, I'm not gonna do that. And so I, I'm trying to figure out, still like what is the happy medium?

I think it's also telling women it's okay to have casual sex and to be okay with it, as long as it's consensual, that I just hope that it's changing soon, that we realize it's for pleasure, and there's no like bling, but it's still going on. So. I don't even have a wide range experience as you're going to constantly like find new boundaries like for me like I left college so I dated somebody throughout all of college

and like did women gender studies and I was like I'm a sexually liberated woman. You know, but I really been just like dating this one guy at Soul College and then we broke up and then I was like I'm going to go out there and But I really been just dating this one guy, it's whole college, and then we broke up, and then I was like, I'm gonna go out there and like, I wanna get the sex that I want. But then I did hit, I wasn't having great sex, and I didn't really always enjoy it, and I wasn't really sure what I was looking for in it, and I like, re-question some of those things,

and that's fine too. Like, you're just, I think it's okay to have uncomfortable experiences, and to enjoy doing something, and then the next day, you realize, oh, I think it's okay to have uncomfortable experiences and to enjoy doing something and then the next day you realize, oh, I don't enjoy that now and that's okay too and not to like get so, you know, I definitely would be like down on myself. Like am I looking for love in the wrong places and trying to like, you're like, right, I don't know. That's part of the experience.

Exactly. You can't possibly know until you, that's why I'm all for people dating around and trying to figure out what they love. So then you can figure out what you don't possibly know until you, that's why I'm all for people dating around and trying to figure out what they love. So then you can figure out what you don't, sometimes what you don't like is easier than figure out what you like. But when you were having bad sex, what is bad sex? To you.

Well, to me, bad sex was definitely, like, could be painful. It could be, it could be, it's like, what a lot of other women are expressing now. Really just like uncomfortable and just bad sex would be like, you know, we were kissing and it was like straight from that to paving to being done.

I'll figure out paving. That's what my feet honestly, that's. Because like, it's a very specific, really, when we think about sex, like that's usually what we're talking about, but really, that's much more specific than when I have good sex. What's good sex? Good sex is, to me, is slower, but not always.

I actually do really like pounding. Yeah. You can swear. I can say fucking like, I like it. Yeah. And that is like, I remember definitely learning and feeling this like, there's making love and then there's fucking and I'm always like, how do I make them? Just do all of it at the same time. I don't want it all. In one session you can even flow through all of it. Yes, you can.

That's a priority. I know. Wow, so you recently got married like literally five minutes ago. Like five minutes or so. And so how was your, so now I'm assuming you're having amazing sex all the time. But I'm curious, yeah. I know it's hard. So as a sex educator, like, what? I used to have such a quote. I used to put a quote on myself. Because sexuality becomes such a part of my identity and my work.

And I view myself as a sexual being. And in order to be a sexual being, I have to be having sex at least four times a week. You know, I decided. And that was such an awful thing to do to myself. Sometimes just not. You just can't. You just can't. I can't even with your partner. I also think seven years. So maybe maybe six sometimes I don't think I am as sexual as I was. I think well it changes over time. Yes, everything and things can

impact us like hormones or medications or we're just bring it tired or when being an entrepreneur starting a business. Definitely killed my sex life a lot sometimes and you would think also trying out these toys would be fun, but sometimes it's work. It is like it is work. So did it impact like do you think that it ever got like oh my god this is work when you're having sex a little bit like I would definitely definitely have had experiences where I was trying I had a few prototypes to try and I would be like, I want us to keep the controls the same. So it's like, I don't want to change the position. I want to try these three toys and see which one stays in place the best.

So it's like, we had to do it in the same way. I would be like, okay, thrust exactly the same way. I'm gonna stop and I'll switch out the toy. It's like we're trying to get pregnant. I don't know what that experience is. I know, but that's they say they're like, honey, just did you or don't move on doing hands? Yeah. I get that.

The thing is, it's funny because when you work in this, you will think, well, don't you forget sick of sex. And I could never get sick of sex. As a chef gets tired of cooking or food or eating, but I could see like, we're talking about all the time. And sometimes I am. I mean, I guess it would be all sometimes to get sick of life, right?

But most of the time, I enjoy living living life and I try to focus on that and it's not really about how much life I live. It's like, oh, I've been living life so much so now I don't like it anymore. Exactly. It's like a sex is it can keep getting better. Yeah. Keep improving communication. And you find new things and it keeps changing and it's kind of fun that your relationships

change and your body change, baby. We've never thought about it like that. Exactly. I want to embrace the fact that our bodies change, what we desire change and when and how we want sex changes. So I think giving ourselves permission, like you said, this arbitrary four times a week, which sounds good, right? Because people are always saying to me, like probably one of the first questions that ask

they say, how many times should I be having sex? That's right. And I don't know if I should. I'm not going to normalize it. Is it okay for you and your partner, like, find out what works for both of you, don't, like, you know, pick it up. And to know that it's okay that it's not always amazing, you're not always going to want to. Yeah. And can you do to, like, and I think that also as like as a sex talker, you know, people expect that your sex life is both amazing and wild and kinky and all of these things

and that you've tried it all. But that's not necessarily true. Will you say and help me answer some questions for people? Yeah. Thank you Alex fine from Dame Products and thank you for listening now quick shout out to our sponsors and we'll be right back.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Is there anything that being in this industry that you did try that you never thought you would? Yeah, well, I think that definitely starting a sex toy company for me gave me a reason to buy, just to have so many sex toys. You know, I really get to explore and experience them. I do wonder if I would have tried some of these internal products.

Right. Because it's like, oh, I was doing these things. I was having a great, great time. So to go out and search for more. Right. I don't know if I would have. Yeah, exactly. I want to know how you think having more women in this industry is going to change sex toys and sex tech. Well, one, almost all industries were dominated by men for a long time. So it's not just that, it's not just vibrators, but it is interesting that there have been so many men designing these products that are ultimately meant to please a female body, but they weren't testing them on there, they weren't asking them, was talking about it, and they were designing

these products that were very much replicate, just like penises. Pitting, yeah. Like, what to, yeah, for Piv, it's like, oh, what's your women must want more penises? I guess. And there's just a lot of other things, I think about the way sometimes they've been designed. I feel like it's not as common for a while, they are putting porn stars and stuff on vibrators.

And it's just like why would women? On the boxes, I have that. Up until about, yeah, 10, 12 years ago, you're like, oh, I gotta hide this. That's what I'm thinking. So it has changed. Yeah, it was really interesting. I don't think that the marketers were acknowledging

who the market was, or they were selling it to men to use on women. Like it was like, vibrators were still ultimately for male pressure. And like even like the way, like what is up on a vibrator? You know, like when you're using it on yourself, it's like you are using it upside down, a lot of how they're designed sort of but people are starting to change that Exactly. They're trying to change where the buttons are and they're like oh, yeah

I kind of make sense like women and I think women see that at earth if you have The right equipment to try the products. You can make the products better Well, there's a one more likelihood that you'll be able to make. Right, exactly. You actually have the clitoris that you can measure to put it around. Yeah, and you can test it.

We have 3D printers in our office, so we like, 3D printer prototypes, make them in a house, and we can literally go into the bathroom. That is so cool. I'll be like, do you guys do that? You must be fun in your office. Yeah, but I will say that I was talking to, I was out with a bunch of friends, and people were talking

about if you've ever masturbated in the office. And people were going around and talking about it. And I was like, well, it's funny because I have masturbated in the office for work because I had to. Which is very different than everybody else there. And I don't find it enjoyable. It's not actually like I'm masturbating.

It's like I'm just trying to feel this actually thinking. I have a little pen next to you. It's like, no. It's not sexy. It's not sexy. I'm not doing, it's like I'm just trying to feel this actually thinking. I will go pat next to you. Exactly, it's like, not sexy. It's not sexy, I'm not doing it for sexual, which is challenging, it probably would be better, or it is better experience when I go home and really get to experience it in the whole way that I would naturally do it. But yeah, we'll do that and then we'll change the way the ridges or change how it... When you're part, was we really close.

You're like, hey, I just tried this bridge. Going out. Well, it's funny because I think, yes, we are close. And I think the team, though, in general, does a really great job of kind of like objectively talking about their experiences in a way that isn't like about sexuality., it's just kind of about their objective experience. So we can make the toy better, but it still is We still talk about our vaginas like we are like I think it really helps and we it is really hard We just never want anybody in the company to feel uncomfortable

But we also want them to feel comfortable to help us make this product better. I wish that this is the other thing I wish for women, of all the owning people, of all the having, is that we do just celebrate it and feel more comfortable about it and that we are like, I think we're not so secretive about everything that's going on. Like, exactly like that. I pair it. And needing tampons or how we're changing

and our mood's changing and how, I don't know, I just think this whole like embarrassing around like just celebrating it, loving it, looking in the mirror. Like, if you haven't done this yet, like, I don't know if I've talked about this in a while, but take a mirror and just take a look in a first, like the first time I heard my voice,

maybe through it on my, I'd be like, oh, that's my voice. And I'm like, okay, you will feel that way too about your vagina first, you're like, whoa, but like they're all different, they're like snowflakes. And the more you like see it, you get to know it. And then you know what's a really cool thing to do

is when you're masturbating to look at it before. And then as you get turned on to see like your glitterous swells. I always sit down to do this and then I like get into it. Well, they don't know. Someone's like, can I go to the bathroom? You're like, oh, damn it. No, no, no, I mean, we're like at home.

Like, you know, because I do think also the way your full of changes and like to see it and to see it like a little bit like it's puffy or it's like. It's like hot. It's like a blood, it's like puffy and like if you've a hidden clitoris it like comes out You're like hello. Yeah, it's nice. You've been hiding that like I just think because I talk a lot about exploration and The idea of having a vaginal you got to identify sold of a journal So you guys could write down like a like you could just journal about your vagina for journal. And because I think you'd see not only

that I talk to you about. I know. Okay, be trademarked up. All the exploration you're doing, you're trying it out, you're figuring out, where's my cheese butt, where's my clitoris? Like what's turning me on? And then if you're actually looking,

so I feel like a lie, I feel like I need to talk about this one, you guys, because then you're gonna understand that when you're masturbating or when you're having sex, you will know more like actually since I'm so familiar with my now, I'll be like, oh, that's, I know where the sensitivity is on the upper left part of my clitoris. I know it more. And then that's helped me guide my partner by looking. So I think that could be a bridge for a lot of women's gap to look at their vagina in that way. And watch how it changes and grows. And blossoms. I definitely also

think of finding like a lexicon, like some words, like I really like the term like orbiting and layering, which I found really helpful to be my partner. Oh, tell me. Like, orbiting is like rubbing around my clitoris. Like, you orbit it. Yeah. So not direct stimulation. So I was like, I don't want you to touch my clitoris like directly, like, but orbiting, he's like, oh, I know exactly what you want now.

Right. And layering is like, I want you to kind of put my lips on top of my clitoris. Yeah. And rub my labial lips. This way, it's again, like, it's non direct clitor cultural stimulation. And just when I learned about those words

or had that language, and then I could explain it to my partner, that's a really good word. Those are great words. It's like kind of man's planning, though. Yeah, but it's hard because we have all of these terms for specific ways to get balls in a hoop. There's a difference between the layup. And we should have more words or how you touch. Exactly. So right and I want to I want to get back to this what you just said about the

I I know what you mean about your labia coming over a clitoris or like using it to circle yeah layer or the orbit. So a lot of women do require indirect clitoris simulation and the clitoris is not just the little bud. It's actually, there's so many nerve endings and that's why we can't say the G-spot yet. It's all, but let's just tell you that it all feels really good and this is why exploring it is important and that when you're doing that,

it's like you're still pulling on the nerve endings or still kind of tugging at them, if you will, or with the layering and the orbiting, because it's all these nerve endings that you're experimenting with. It's what we're saying. I don't know. Different.

I don't know. I definitely feel like I am, what do they call it? I don't know. But most of my experiences have been with penises over overgina's and volvas. But you know, some guys or some penis havers don't like it when their balls get touched.

Some of it, some people do. Exactly. You gotta check it. You gotta check it if you have a ball by ball base. Yeah, everyone's different. Everybody like just, it's not like, oh, that means the balls don't exist. It's different people have to talk about it. So how did you figure it out with your partner? Your husband. That means that like the balls don't exist. Like, it's different people have to talk about it.

So how did you figure it out with your partner? Your husband. Um, the sector that touched his balls, he like, he does not like it. Right. So I kind of sometimes, honestly, I, we're getting pretty personal here. It's fine. But like, I sometimes still feel like it's a trust thing. Like, you don't trust me.

Right. Like, I have like, you know, I, if somebody was asking me, I'd be like, well, you shouldn't take it personally. Exactly. But like, in between me and him, I'm like, it's because you don't trust me. You take up what hurts my shoulder. Yeah, yeah. I know how to do this.

Yeah. It's true though. It's fine. I do like, I like to nip. I do like pulling and nibbling and biting a little bit more than he does. So sometimes I do it, maybe more to hit. I could see where it might, maybe he doesn't trust me, like we're gonna get it.

Well, if he said not to, or I don't trust you either. Yeah. I understand what he's saying, but it's a good friggin' point that we don't probably talk with the penis is that it is so different every person too. So I've even had like, recently we had an email from a woman from a list of her

and she was like, I'm dating some Martin, he really doesn't like what jobs. What do I do? Am I doing it wrong? Because as women oftentimes we do blame ourselves and things like we're missing something, but yes, there's some people who don't love everything. Men do that too. I think that that's actually one of the things we hear about our vibrators. Right. The people really like or you know, or a wide range of things is like they don't

men often want to feel like they're still doing it and they feel like, oh, if you use a vibrator, like it's not really me, like it's not, I need to give you the orgasm. Exactly. So how do you case? So this is my question. It's all interesting. Because you actually are making the stories, I'm just, it's one of the many things I talk about. Yeah. In the sense of like, but for you, like you must get that every day. Is it going to replace, I mean, you still, they're oftentimes, so what's your answer to that?

Because I know I've answered it so many times on the show and in life when they're like, we don't need that. You're telling them what you do, right? You probably have a couple and they're like, oh, that sounds nice that you make choice. We don't need that because there is this sense that we're supposed to deliver it. Yeah. And I feel like there's also this, you know, I think guys definitely have an ego thing with it as well. One thing that we say often in the office is that if we're going to acknowledge that women are sexual beings, we also need to

validate that men are emotional beings and that they're sensitive and these things do matter in their sexual experiences. And it's really easy, I think, to, or it can be really easy to just be like that's, it's not a human being, it's just this object, it's a tool, it can never truly replace another human. But if that's how someone's feeling, we need to acknowledge that and have a conversation about it in a real way. Right.

But I think once people know that people haven't tried, yeah. I also think that not everybody does have access to a partner and if this is a really fantastic way. You would have a lot of first, like people who emailed or gotten touched and read a lot of emails. So however they see you in life and say like, wow, they have the first orgasms, right? Or their first time feeling comfortable buying a vibrator or using a vibrator.

Yeah, and we've also had a lot of first two as a company, we're the first company in this space to be on Kickstarter. We were just on like prime time TV on the... Oh, I wanna talk about that. Yeah, so like we've had some of our own kind of first as well. And I think that that is helping more people change how they view the space. Yeah, well, I think so.

I watched you. She was just on today's show. And they can check it out on your site. Yeah. Actually, some are site. Maybe you got another Megan Kelly live show. And it was, yeah, a Megan Kelly. And I was like, wow, you know, it's so funny.

Because since we saw it in sex in the city the vibrant There's really there are laws against showing Viber you can't show them on TV like I know I've been on a few talk shows and they were like, but we can't actually show it And it's like and I could see you because I remember having been I was on the today show in the doctors a few other things And there was like you can't you literally have to be so careful About what you say like you couldn't even say like she said to you, oh, there's a clip on it. Like you couldn't even, you said labia, I'm a joy.

I said labia, a joy. And then people like, I know I did, I, I did take Clitoral to my simulation. They didn't want to see the word master be shim, but they told us it like if it's a medical word, why wouldn't we be able to use it? And I was like, yep, but in my head, I was like, oh, there's, there's meant. There has been, it's, it's not in my head, I was like, oh, there's there's meant there has been

it's not very clear about what you can't say. You can't save a giant on TV, but you can save a giant. You can, but it's just that a lot of places don't. They just recommend they just don't want you to. Like when vagina monologues came out, they couldn't even save a giant. I'm gonna come out like 25 years ago. So I think you are changing the face of it. And I think you guys are doing great work at Dame Products. They're beautiful products, and they're helping a lot of people. And I really do think that we are in a, you're having usher in a new era of toys,

and helping couples with intimacy and women, and vulva owners, and penis owners. It feels really, I mean, just even offering a different version of what these tools can be. It's really great. It's really great. It's really great. Very innovative. Exciting. Alex, you helped me answer some emails from the people. Okay, we, I love my listeners, okay? They ask them

you really good questions and I'm glad you're here to help. It's why do I do? If you want a question, answer on the show, you can text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979, 7979, fill out the short form. Put yes if you'd like to be called, we do color shows, they're really fun, or go to sexfamily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, and include your name, your age where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, this is from Laura 26 in Pennsylvania.

Help, I'm that one exception that everybody is scared of, I have herpes. I have outbreaks of general sores. I got it when I was sexually assaulted. I know that this is heavy stuff, so sorry to bring down the mood. I love your show and I hope this is not precludes from being besties. I get it, no one wants a herpes and no one wants a sex with someone with herpes. Oh, and no one wants to discuss rape. How do I tell someone I'm about to have sex with slash dating? My status and not just be someone who never has sex again.

Should I just walk around with a sign that says, I have herpes? Should I just remove my vagina altogether? Maybe I should become a nun? Oh, Laura, we are still besties. You do not have to stop having sex. Everyone's gonna want to have sex with you at the same rate. I'm telling you This is not a deal breaker and I'm glad you wrote because her language is your heart go, huh?

Babe, you're fine. This happens. What's it? One four one and five people? So a lot of people have herpes one which is like cold sores and if you've ever had a cold sore Then you've had then you have the virus a lot of people, I think, general herpes doesn't necessarily mean that they are having sores, just, you know, you could have it and it can be dormant in your body. Right. And first, Laura, I think make sure you go to your doctor. There's great medication out there that works really well. Take a daily compressive. Take them. Yeah. I mean, it definitely depends and some people don't have to take them every day. And it depends on, I believe, I mean, it definitely depends. And some people don't have to take them every day. And it depends on, I believe, I actually,

I'm not sure. So I can tell you, so if you outbreaks, definitely you want to just take them and just help them. But for some people, they might have one outbreak, and they'll never have one again. So it kind of depends on your situation, what strain you have, and to just be safe. But you really, you do have to tell people

that you're out, that you're having sex with them, if you're not having an outbreak and you're taking the suppressant and using protection, you're pretty safe at that point, but I think we all know, if you're like no one's using condoms, people tell you this to your friends, these condoms, I want you all these condoms, I feel like I hear this since ridiculous, because it takes one time and you can get an SUD. But maybe if we just all had a herpes, that would be easier.

Basically do. I mean, it's happening, but exactly. Then we'll have other problems. I mean, there are other SUDs that are actually so, I mean, or can have a more negative impact in the quality of your life than herpes. So, you know, it sounds true for all of us. Right, exactly.

So, but it's not a deal, right? If your life is not over, it is not a death sentence. You just want to be honest and just say, I want you know, I have herpes, I'm taking a daily suppressant, It sounds true for all of us. Exactly. But it's not a deal breaker. Your life is not over. It's not a death sentence. You just want to be honest and just say, I want you to know, I have herpes. I'm taking a daily suppressant or whatever method you decide and I'm using protection and the chances are, again, you don't know if someone's a carrier or not. You just have to be honest. Just say if you have any questions, they can ask you questions.

But I don't think it's like a pain. I'm so afraid. This is the language. This is what I want to say to you, Lord. This is the language I need to change here. I need to change your entire mind set that, there's something wrong with you that you have some scarlet letter

that no one's gonna want to see, but you're wrong and your life is impacted in the way that you're never gonna have sex again. This is not that. So when you're talking to someone about it, it's more like, I just need you to know. Like it's straightforward. You don't have to keep talking about it for hours.

You have to apologize. You don't have to keep talking about it for hours. You have to apologize. You don't have to Hey, I've hope it's really common But you know, hopefully you're taking this a present and we're used columns and I just want you know There's also some really great people after that are doing like herpes stigma work where they you know I think I think coming out as having an STD like you know I had HP I got HPV, I mean, probably still don't remember my system in some way. And I remember like just like the pat,

how hard it was to tell people, even that, and how then I kind of got really addicted to telling everybody, because I felt like everybody needed to know that how. Is that the HPV, I understand your tattoo, no. Just kidding, she doesn't know what to say. What did she do with the HPV? That's how excited she was.

No, but I just wanted everybody to know. I didn't even know it existed. And you can get it the ways I had gotten and all these things. So, you know, I really wanted to get it. Well, I mean, I got it. Like, I did everything that you were supposed to do. Like, I was dating this guy and we had sex and we used to condom. And I still ended up with each people.

Just can happen. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, you guys. So it's why you know this comes down to also communication talking to some about it and Laura, you could practice your friends if you're nervous about it. Like tell your best girlfriends, but once you have this conversation with someone, you're gonna realize it's just like saying like, and this is how I need you to touch my clitoris

and I have herpes and here's how it all goes down. So, you're gonna be fine. You will be fine. Okay. So I went on the pill and then I think that's when I, and then we'd go into the whole thing. I don't remember what happened, but I remember giving away kind of old things.

But you can't even really know it could be from... Because he could have a dormant in his exactly. It could be from all sex. It could be from, we don't know, kissing. There's a lot of different ways to get a lot of different things. So just be, you guys, go to your doctor, use protection. That is important.

There's good condoms out there too, you guys. Like if you, like, oh, they're comfortable to make sex worse, like you can actually, I love skin condoms. Like that. It's like a shared personal narrative too, you guys. Like if you like, oh, they're uncomfortable, they make sex worse, like you can actually, I love skin condoms. Like that. It's like a shared personal narrative too. I know it's really hard, but it's so helpful too for other people.

Well, this is what I can sing, but you just said about what you were so scared and then what you told people, it got a lot easier. You know, that's how life is. So that's all the things like your secrets, they say this in AA, I'm not so aware, but I know I just love it.

I'm like, sometimes I wish, because I've been to meetings, I think with friends, whatever. They're like, you're only as sick as your secrets. The more, like, when you speak your truth and you're really honest, you realize it gives you so much being vulnerable and being open. You'll be shouting for the rooftops at your heartbeats. I mean, I think that's also why I was so, so, so interested in sexuality because it was like a truth. And it did seem like something worth talking about that We weren't supposed to talk about and it was like a forced secrets It was like you're gonna want to have sex, but you're definitely not supposed to have any of these desires and these feelings

It's like you know built it's like built-in secrets of shame that are in you and I just really wanted to get those out Exactly. I wanted to talk about it. I was like, I like that. I like talking about poop too. Right, poop is a huge crap, please, sir. Yeah, it's a lot, I think people feel, it's like easier to talk about it. It's like we all poop. I'll see you know money and some other thing

that people have on your money is. It's just, yeah. And sex and kids are the three things. It's okay to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah, and it's not always easy. We were saying even in our own relationships or in life, it's not always, but it gets easier over time. Yeah. Okay. This is from Cecilia. She's 19.

Hello, Emily. I wanted to email you because I've been listening for a while and need your help, all caps. I have a sector two guys and I find that the moment I do, I stop liking them. This is probably because the sex that we have is terrible. For both people, I've tried different positions, been encouraging, given, and received oral. Maybe it's because we're an experience, but whatever I try. I don't end up enjoying it.

I found myself craving to have sex with these guys, and then when I do it, all I want to do is stop and do other things. I'm great at my own, but for some reason, when I add someone else, it doesn't work. Am I just really bad at sex? Thanks. I love you. Oh, okay. So, Sussan is 19, which I think is amazing that you're emailing and you're listening. So, thank you because I think in 19, I didn't even know to ask about sex. So, I love this. And I love that you're experimenting and encouraging and, you know, yourself, I mean, that you're whatever, that you're working in yourself.

But I want to put it out, I'll just you and say that like, you know, that there's like a problem here at all. I feel like in my mind, you're not, like the fact that you, two of those periods when you were dating, you're like, not into anybody. You're learning yourself. But I've even had periods periods with my current partner too, where we'll start having sex and I'll feel, well, it's a really different issue where it's like, oh, and we're doing the same thing.

We did yesterday or like last week. And I would have definitely have had feelings where I've been really into it and then we start having sex or something and I kind of lose it. I mean, I definitely feel for me actually, as I've gotten older and I have more of my mind. Like, you know, it's about staying present.

Exactly. It's our mind pulled us out of it. But I was gonna say that she should, maybe you need to be single for a while. Like, take the pressure off yourself to find the one. Cause 19 is a good time to just date around. Cause she said she has sex with them and then she around, cause she says she has sex with them, and then she doesn't like them,

or she has sex with them and the sex is bad. So I feel like it would be a good time for it to go out and just start communicating her needs to. Do I have a bad feeling about that? It also, if she's having sex with other 19 year old boys, they're also probably learning, everybody's learning at the same time, and nobody really knows what they're doing.

But I think it's really awesome that she's having solo experiences that are enjoyable. That's definitely a really good place to start and to learn about your body. So you can have the language to express what you like. And then I would also maybe suggest like playing a slowed. I mean, I'm going to make an assumption. I definitely find that a lot of my partners, they just need to just slow down, just slow down, like touch softer.

And this, you know, could be my personal experience. Yeah, no, I'm telling you, that's it. It's like, do some like, sense, like do like, some like meditation and like massage each other and try, you know, maybe like try creating like a game about sensation and playing just like closing your eyes and, you know, like mindful touching and see where that goes.

I think you're right. I think essentially with the testosterone at 19, like I feel like there's a lot of rushing through it because they're new at it as well. And that was slow down. Right, like the time that that testosterone like that's how you like to start Every time you see sex to in the media. It's like goes from like kissing to like heavy petting to pivving so quickly and I feel like that that's what you think you want and you're like really into it and like I definitely like you know

Come as you are, but Emily Yeah,, Nagasaki, Nagasaki, Nagasaki, Nagasaki. Nagasaki, I think Nagasaki, I think Nagasaki. She talks a lot about having these accelerators in your brain and breaks in your brain. And there's just something that happened and you're super turned on. And then when you're turned off, you are turned off.

So it's a really natural feeling that you're feeling. Right. Exactly. And learning how to play with it. And I love that you have turned off. So like it's it's a really natural feeling that you're feeling. Right. Exactly. And learning how to play with it. And I love that you have slowing down. I always say that go five times slower than you think or three or five too much because five seems like people really get it. But whatever you're doing right now, I guarantee for men and for women, we can all stand to just slow down a little and be more mindful. Like you were just saying that you get your head sometimes. Yeah, you've business a lot more concerns going on. I find that too, and it's funny, because even though I'm giving advice all the time, going back to like what I do and how my sex life is,

I still find that I wander, but what I've learned is this, I can bring myself back, and I'm so, but it took me so long. I mean, really, just even, it just doesn't get us far now, where I'd be really turned on, and then I'm thinking like, oh God, it attacks this person back, right? Right now I can't have sex.

And then it's really a choice. And that moment to say, but I'm going to let that go. And we go back into my body. I'm going to slow it down. Go back to kissing. Like at any moment, what I want, like what I want to silly to learn, and everyone to learn is that at any moment you have the choice to stop that train of sex, like if it's going too fast

or if you're not feeling it and just go back to the basics, the kissing, the touching, and then rebuild again. Definitely to rebuild again. Rebuild it again. Bring it back up again. Okay, so thank you Cecilia for that question. All right, that is our last email, Alexandra.

Fine. From Dame Products. I'm so excited to see you here in California. Congratulations on all of your success. Everyone can check you out, DameProducts.com, a fine human on Instagram. And Dame Products on Instagram and Twitter. And anything else you want to say, any last words,

everyone can check them out. They're great products. You can wear, I love, I I mean you can wear them during sex yeah wear them they're great there's like Finn is like a no grip handheld vibrator and even the wearable stays in place we also have a pretty cool return policy which is like really unique in. Yeah, we just want people to be happy and enjoy and feel like they can take a risk just like any other product. Yeah, totally.

You're doing a good job. Thank you, thank you, honey. Okay, thanks everyone. Thank you for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.

For you, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.