Sex With Emily - What’s Your Arousal Type?

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

What do you need to get in the mood for sex? Have a lively conversation? Be touched in a suggestive way? Put on something sexy…or, have your partner get dressed up for you?Today’s episode is all about arousal styles, and today, I’ll be looking at five. The science of sexual arousal is ever-evolving, but on this show I’m looking at some of the most common ways people get turned on (through conversation, visuals, touch, play or physical adventure), helping you ID what your style is, and what behaviors you can do in the moment to get it going. Kind of like love languages, but for sex. I’m also talking about the difference between arousal and desire, and, taking your questions! How to have sex when you’re stressed, anti-depressants numbing out your vulva, and if it’s OK to be more excited for masturbation than partnered sex. Show Notes:There Are 5 Arousal Styles. Which One Are You?Sex Up Your Love LanguageTell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex w/ Ian Kerner The Yes No Maybe ListYou’re Kinkier Than You Think, Part 1You’re Kinkier Than You Think, Part 2 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now, desire is about motivation, but arousal is about preparation. Desire moves you to act, right? Arousal is your body getting you ready for whatever appealing thing is about to happen. Sex, eating something delicious. So arousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. It signifies all the physical signs happening in your body when you're turned on. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. So what do you need to get in the mood for sex? Have a lively conversation, be touched in a suggestive way, put on something sexy, have your partner get dressed up for you? Well, today's episode is all about arousal styles, and today I'll be looking at five. The science of sexual arousal is ever evolving, but on this show I'm looking at some of the

most common ways he will get turned on. Through conversation, through visuals, touch, play, or physical adventure. Helping you identify what your style is and what behaviors you can do in the moment to get it going. Kind of like love languages, but for sex. I'm also talking about the difference between a rousal and desire and taking your questions.

How to have sex in your stress and it a presence numbing out your vulva, and if it's okay to be more excited for masturbation than partnered sex. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the episode. I do it. I encourage you to do it. Well my intention is to give you tools to explore what turned you on so you can get in the mood and get truly

invested in your sex life. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, there are five arousal styles which one are you, is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions leave me your questions or message me at sexwith Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you wanna ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name, your age,

where you live and how you listen to the show. And no problem if you wanna change your name to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoyed this episode. In today's episode, we're looking at a sexy but often misunderstood aspect of this sexual experience, arousal, and specifically, the elements that get you aroused for sex. The reason I say it's misunderstood, though, is because we have a tendency to conflate arousal with desire. Now, the tool related, but there's a crucial difference.

Desire is a psychological wanting. It's the space between this person is sexually appealing to me and will we have sex? In other words, desire always entails a psychological gap between yearning and satisfaction. To desire anything, be it a person or a piece of chocolate cake, there's always a beat between the wanting and the satisfaction. So like if our mouths were full of chocolate cake all the time, we wouldn't desire it. So the space between the yearning and the wondering if I'll actually have sex, sex is eating chocolate cake, well that constitutes desire. Now desire is about motivation, but a rousal is about preparation.

Desire moves you to act, right? A rousal is your body getting you ready for whatever appealing thing is about to happen. Sex, eating something delicious. So a rousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. It signifies all the physical signs happening in your body when you're turned on. So, for example, for me, that looks like my breath is quickening, my heart speeding up, I'm feeling my blood flow to various erroneous zones, then those zones are becoming more sensitive, and yes, those zones, of course, include genitals. So, we know that a rousal is a bodily experience. So like for example going back to our cake example, you know, if you're craving cake, you're going to start to feel saliva in your mouth, just

thinking about the cake, right? So with a rousal, my body is having a experience in preparation for this X. So the more tapped in you are to your bodily cues, you can then start to connect the dots between those sensations and what's happening externally in the moment. And that is very key information because it tells you, oh, so it's this kind of situation that turns me on. And you can apply that knowledge to your future sexual encounters. But I want to kick things off today

by sharing five arousal styles with you. Now listen, real talk. If you type arousal styles into Google, you'll get several articles from several sites, including mine, that tell you what the arousal styles are. And please know that these are all approximations, kind of like love like it is. I mean, there's utility in them though,

because once you hear about a style that resonates with you, you can say to yourself, oh yeah, that tracks. I'm gonna incorporate those experiences into my next date or the next time with my partner, and I want to get a rouse for sex. So let's take a look at five arousal styles that I find are pretty common. So here's some arousal types. The first one is through conversation.

So if this is you, you may love talking, relating, laughing together and creating an emotional connection as you're leading to sex. This, it's important for you to feel safe and relaxed, like there's been a sufficient time to catch up with your partner before any touching occurs. And that is the conversation progresses. Maybe there's some moments of sustained eye contact, a moment of giggling together, a moment of relating, and then you start to feel connected and maybe get your literal juices flowing. And I can relate to this one because with my partner I know we've had a week gone by or a few days even gone by where we haven't really connected. You know I have a lot to tell about work and he's got it stuff to catch me

up on and we just haven't talked. It's really hard for me to get into a sexual space. I want to be like let's ground in the last few days and catch each other up. And then I find myself more turned on. And just note, I'm going to go through these. You might find yourself in a few of these. There might be a few of these are going to help you figure out what you need to get truly aroused. All right, the next one is through touch. Maybe you want to hug. You want to brush your partner's arm. You want to hold hands, you really crave skin contact as you get ready for sex to be turned on. You know, you're not physically

standoffish at all. You crave it. You require it. It is the tactile connection between the two of you that causes your heart to pound due to get a rouse and feel the most connected to your partner. And looking at this, I need some of this as well. I usually might be having the conversations about our week and our days, what's going on while also touching or sitting on a partner's lap. So I like touch as well. What's interesting to look at here is to say that maybe there's been an absence of this. Maybe you haven't caught up with your partner lately. There isn't a lot of touch. Your partner doesn't really want to touch that much. And you might find yourself feeling like, oh, I really am craving some kind of connection.

And then you're realizing, oh, yeah, we're not touching. So what I'm hoping is this clues you into the requirements that might need to be present for you to feel turned on, aroused, and in the move. The other one is through visuals. You get really turned on by what you see. Now, that could be your partner looking really sexy. It could be your own reflection looking sexy. It could be a really vitted fantasy about something that's happened in the past with your partner,

something that's happened in the past in your life, something that you want to happen in the future. So you may not be a bad candidate for using any sexy media for a rousal. Some ethical porn, you might need to see some visuals that will get you turned on. And this is within reason, of course, but if you get turned on by visuals, you know, media could be an effective arousal runway as my friend and sex educator in Kernark puts it. There's like a runway that we need to get ready for sex. And so what I'm saying here is that for a lot of us are feeling like why aren't I turned on and it's frustrating. I'm trying to give you some tools here so you

can find that place that you need to be so you start to escalate your runway so you can feel ready for any kind of sex. Another one is through play. So this might mean you're down to role play, you're down for kink, you're down to be super exploratory. You have a really, really playful spirit leading up to sex. And with a vibe of like, I can't wait to try this for you. You know, you were the first to download our guest new Maybe Less.

You love showing your partner clips that you've seen in porn or that you've just thought about sharing scenarios that you want to enact or play out in the bedroom. So you're highly imaginative, connected to fantasy, and people that get turned on by play thrive in this area. You know, their partners open new experiences well. That really helps. And this is like in and out of the bedroom.

Like you may be someone who just loves to play. You're the one who's like, let's play Shraids. Let's play all play a game together. You know, when there's a party, you might also be someone in the bedroom who really likes this element of play. Okay, the next is through physical adventure. Maybe you can turn down by doing something

really heart pounding with your partner. Then this could also be working out, hiking, getting super into your body, watching your partner get into theirs. But it's you both feel vital and really, really alive doing physical activity, which also releases all those feel good chemicals in your body, which

prompt you to feel more sexual. So you can leverage your body's physical rousal for intimacy. So again, this might be you. Hopefully it's you and your partner would make it a lot easier. But if it is you, you can bring your partner into this and say, hey, maybe we should go to hike tonight. Let's go work out together. So these might be the things that lead you towards a rousal. All right. So those are some of the

arousal types. So now at this point, you might be wondering like, how do I take these arousal types and apply it to an IRL situation? You know, maybe you heard these arousal types and you're going like, oh, that's me. I know that's me, which is what my hope for this show. And maybe feel like you're a combo of two or three, like again, that's really, really common. And the truth is why it's important to recognize this is we might create one type of browser one day and a different one the next day. Like, I know that sometimes I really want to talk, talk, talk to my partner

and have a good day and have a good week. And let's talk about our life plans and our goals and you know, what we're going to do tomorrow. And then sometimes I'm like, I do not want to talk. Let's just touch. Let's give each other some messages. Can you massage my neck? I'll massage your back for a few minutes. And that's what I really need to feel aroused. So I just want you to be thinking about that as we headed to some ways to apply this to your sex life. So here's some examples and tips for what you can do to satisfy each arousal type. Okay, so if conversation was the one that really resonated here, I recommend like a sit-down date

without a ton of outside distractions, a place where the two of you can kind of sink in, you can catch up, you can focus on each other, you can talk about your days, your weeks, your plans. I love doing this with my partner. We talk about like, let's brainstorm what our perfect future looks like. Our great vocation would look like. You're asking questions, you're leading with curiosity, you're sharing really thoughtful responses, you're thinking about the answers.

I mean, think about like a relationship brainstorming away too. These are always to help you if you lean more towards conversation, feel more connected to your partner and help them feel more connected to you. So if you want to start, you can say like, I want to hear about your day. And then you might say, oh, I've got some ideas. What we could do after this. I want to hear what you're in the mood for. So that could, you know, after you guys are talking

and downloading about your day or your week, then you could say, hey, that's what we could do tonight. Or here's what I've been thinking about sexually. So it's all tied into the conversation arousal style. All right, for touch. Now, this might seem obvious, touch, duh, but it's the way that the touch happens. That's really important here. And I recommend the kind touch that creates a little sexual tension, starting off with something a little bit of neutral or sweet, like hugs,

a touch on the shoulder. And as you start to read your partner's body language, you can offer more suggestive touches, like a kiss on the neck, touching their thigh, something a little unexpected, and yet still really arousing, sort of touching on the second-degree rod in his own, like inner elbow, neck, maybe a foot massage. So those are some places for touch. Visuals. All right. For this arousal type, it goes a long way to pay a compliment. Something simple, but really sincere like, God, you look super hot in that outfit. I love what you're wearing. You know, you might need to hear that from your partner. Maybe your partner needs to hear that from you

once you figure out which arousal style you both have. You could also hear share of visual fancy with your partner. Like, I love picturing you in bed and top of me, what your hands are tied or my hands are tied. And this is how the scenario goes down. Just being really descriptive to sort of fuel that arousal. And the way I'm talking about is for either one of you. Maybe you both are visual, maybe you're visual, they're visual. So you get what I'm saying

here. You kind of adopt this towards either one of you sharing these kind of visual experiences being really descriptive or touch or whether it's words. So I think this is a really fun episode to listen to with your partner. You know what I'm saying? I recommend that right now. As we get into play, in my recent episodes, I did two episodes on Kink, which are fabulous by doing so myself. We've got a lot of great feedback on them, but they really give you ways you can play with each other. So this is the partner or you who might want to shake things up, but something a little bit out of the ordinary. For example, I've got a dear friend who plays sexy stranger with her husband.

And one night they met at a bar as if they were randos. They never met before. And at first I'm telling you, she's like, I'm not showing up with a bar with my husband 20 years. I'm going gonna pretend I'm someone else. But here's the thing, it totally worked out. And not only that, they met at the bar and he put on a British accent and she was like, oh my God, it was so hot and then he was like

somebody else with a different accent. So it totally worked. They showed up as they're alter egos with different names and it was really hot. So like that's the kind of playfulness and collaboration that helped them have the best sex they've had in years for physical adventure. Now this overall type is all about that heart pounding activity. So it's more about planning situations where you two can be active together. But you just have to always be something super athletic.

You can't always be like jumping out of airplanes, right? But it could be a walk around the neighborhood, just moving your bodies together. Now, at summertime, it could be a swim, something water-related. I mean, don't think you have to go run an ultramarathon, just to have sex. The basic idea is we're getting our hearts pumping, we're moving, we're getting adrenaline going. That is the key to this arousal type. So now, you know the difference. I hope between desire and arousal, you understand this and what some of the common arousal types are and tips for applying these types to

real life scenarios. I hope that helps you think about where you need to be and how you can get turned on because that is the most common question I get asked when I have a taboid libido, why aren't I turn off my partner anymore, why don't I get in the mood? So if you could think about your Rosal style, identified here, I really think it's gonna help you up your connection with your partner and your connection with yourself.

All right, let's take a short break and get into your questions. This is from Elaine 31 in California. Hi Dr. Emily, my fiance and I are very happy together, but we're in this period of our life where we're figuring out our lives. Housing, if we want kids, planning a wedding, we're getting married and are happy together but when we disagree on issues like priorities or finances, it makes me not want to have sex with them. I don't think I'm withholding it out of anger. I designately don't want to have sex with someone I disagree with. Any advice? I feel like it's a feedback loop. I can't escape. The more we don't have sex, the less I want to have it,

and the more frustrated I am with him about our conflicts. Still don't want to have sex. So thank you for your show. I'm so grateful for a space in which we can talk about complex issues you're the best. All right, so let me just normalize something here that when couples are going through a stressful time, planning a wedding, answering huge live questions,

it makes sense that you're going to want sex less often. This is a period of transition and change. So the other thing though, is even it wasn't transition and change, what you're saying is, when you are feeling conflict with your partner, it is really hard for you to get a rouse and turn on. That is also really, really common. Some people get fueled by this kind of thing. That is also really, really common. Some people

get fueled by this kind of thing. They're like, I love when there's conflict in my relationship and that gets me really, really turned on. In fact, it gets me more attracted to my partner. See, so we're all different. We are all different. But what I love is that you're recognizing what gets in the way of your desire for sex and your arousal. So either you can do some conflict management, you can go to therapy with your partner and figure out how to really resolve these issues and learn how to communicate. By the way, I think every couple could benefit

from some excellent therapy where they learn how to communicate and they learn how to get through tough issues like this, because there's always gonna be conflicts in your relationship. There's always going to be times you're going to disagree on parenting or where to go for dinner. So if you can find a way so you can sort of alleviate pressure during those moments and not exacerbate them so you can still maintain your intimacy and connection, that would be amazing. I highly recommend that before you walk down the aisle.

And just remember this, that sex begets sex. So the more sex you're having, the more sex you're going to want to have. And you're saying, gosh, well, why we don't even want to have sex than the less sex I have, the less sex I want. But sometimes intimacy begets more intimacy, which can also lead to sex. So maybe you're not wanting the sex as much,

but you still might need some intimacy with him. Are you holding hands? Are you connecting in other ways? You know, and it's also important to like this show we're talking about a rousell. Do you know what you need to get a rouse and feel connected with your partner? Because maybe if you're struggling through all these conflicts and there's problems happening in the relationship with communication, you can think about your arousal style and say, well, maybe we just need to go take an exercise class together at the gym or maybe I really need a massage right now from him. And that would make me feel more connected. So there's ways to counterbalance the tension you're feeling by communication with figuring out the ways that you're really going to get a rouse turned on and feel connected to your partner.

This is from Preel 20 in India. Hey Dr. Emily, from the past year I noticed some weird changes to me. Sex doesn't excite me anymore. I try to run stories, podcasts, porn. None of this work for me, but when I masturbate it makes me feel much more pleasurable, much more excited as compared to having sex. I want to feel excited towards sex again and able to enjoy it. What should I do? Also not to forget I've been single for the last two years. I could really use some help. Thank you.

So I'm going to assume that when you say sex you mean partner sex. And the fact that you're currently single, I'm gonna assume that maybe you're having casual sex right now, but you are feeling much more satisfied by your masturbation practices. And in fact, the case makes sense. A lot of people feel their best sex happens, people they know well and they feel safe with and they trust. And if you're just, you know, having some casual sex right now, you might not be in that situation where there is someone that you feel safe with, so that means that you are much more connected to your own solo sex routine. So it sounds like you're, you know, you think there's a problem here,

but really there is no problem. I love that you're exploring yourself through masturbation. And I do believe that when the time comes for you to a partner again that you are into, you're going to know your body more, you're going to know it feels good, you're going to know what turned you on. You're going to be able to communicate that to a partner. And I do think that when you meet the next person that you're connected to, you will start to have great sex that you crave again deeply. So it's okay to be in a period of time where you're not craving partner sex. Totally fine. You're masturbating, you're having fun, you're having orgasms, you're exploring your body

on your terms, you're learning your body. I think this is fantastic. And so if you're not having as much pleasure and orgasms during a more casual sex experience in the same way as masturbation, totally fine. I think that you are in the right place. There's no problems here. Keep doing you and keep cultivating, moving,

and understanding your own sexual energy. But as a guy, when you do get into a relationship or connection with a partner, it's going to be that much more elevated intense and I definitely think you're gonna crave it. And there's not a problem here. This is from Amy28 in New York. Hi Dr. Emily. Concexual attraction and romantic slash emotional attraction be different. It's having responsive desire slash a rousal, a lack of attraction? Alright, let's break this down. I don't think we can talk about this enough because it's very, very confusing. I think for many people to talk about the difference between desire and a rousal.

So, desire is the mental part. It's like, do I want sex? Do I not want sex? It's what we often refer to as libido or sex drive. So having a response of desire, which is really, really common, meaning like you need some things to go down first before you feel desire for your partner. Maybe you need the house to be clean. Maybe you need your partner to compliment you.

Maybe you need to make sure that everything in your environment is cleaned up and organized and you're in a... you've showered and you feel like all these things come into place. And then you can feel that you are able to respond and have more desire to a situation. That is more common than spontaneous desire where you just boom, I am a rouse, I am turned on, I'm ready for sex. A lot of us experience spontaneous desire at the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase, everything's new and exciting. And every time you see a partner,

you just can't wait to rip their clothes off. But for many of us, responsive desire is what we sort of settle into and that happens in a relationship over time or just in our lives over time. And in no way, way again means you are not Attracted to your partner at all. I think what you're asking is is there like a romantic sexual attraction Make kind of be emotionally attracted to my partner

What I'm hearing you say is like oh, I love my partner as a friend. They're really good on paper But I don't feel any sexual attracted to them. I'm not sure if that's what you're asking me But you know these things sort of have been flow in relationships. And only you know if you can turn this kind of connection to your partner into a more sexual or romantic one. It's worthwhile noting that in relationship, they can change over time, depending on where you are in the relationship.

Maybe you're going through a really stressed out period. Maybe your partner's really stressed out. But there are no absolutes here. Like I don't think that right now, if you're in a particular period of transition or something's going on in a relationship that you just say, that's it. I am no longer attracted to my partner. I only feel an emotional connection, not a sexual attraction to them, but it varies over time.

So again, if we're going through a stressful period or we're having some disagreements with our partner, we're feeling like we are no longer connecting. Maybe there's resentments. Your partner is something that really pissed you off and you're like, I don't even feel like I'm sexual and I want to connect into my partner. So I feel like these are the kind of things where I think it's so important to learn

to communicate with your partner. Maybe go to therapy and understand the ways that you guys connect so these things don't fester. Because when resentment starts to build a relationship, you know, your partner is saying that kind of upset you or pissed you off, it can be hard to feel attracted to them because they just build up. So the more we can kind of learn to talk about when problems arise and defuse them, we can get back to more of the sexual romantic attraction.

And just to reiterate, there are different kinds of attraction. There's like a sexual attraction, which that's desired to be really sexual with your partner. Maybe you want to kiss them, you want to sex with them, and then there's like a romantic attraction, and sometimes the romantic attraction leads to a more sexual attraction, but that's we want to be really intimate with our partner in the context of a relationship. And that can be a long term or shortterm in nature where we feel this romantic attraction, but all of these sort of cross over. Sometimes we just might want to be physical with someone, or we have an emotional connection. I mean, it's not so romantic. So all of these things exist,

and it just sort of, you know, we have to figure out in the context of being with a particular partner, which ones are present, and which ones are not. Just know that relationships go through all of these stages and the more present you are, the stronger communication skills you have, the more willing you are to be vulnerable in the relationship and kind of share like right now I'm feeling more emotionally connected to you than I am sexually attracted to you and I'm not sure why, maybe we need a little bit of time alone together, just the two of us. We need to go on a vacation. So the reason why I'm giving you all these contacts in this episode, like how do you get aroused? How are you feeling more attracted to your partner? I'm offering you just a bunch of tools to think about your relationship. So you kind

of break through all the cobwebs in your mind that are getting you confused about like, do I like this part of this? And are they just a friend or are they someone I want to be romantic with? So these are simply tools to get you thinking. So again, there's no absolutes. A lot of these are not science. It's not like, you know, we measured the brain wave patterns of people and they just felt romantic. They just felt sexual.

It's more like for you to think about where am I at in this relationship? What areas do I want in this relationship? What areas do I want to work on? Is this person someone that I could feel sexual about again or not? So just some fuel for thought here. This is from Mecha 19 and Boston. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been in a relationship with this amazing guy for two neph ears. He'll do anything to please me and end outside the bedroom. The thing is, I've never had an orgasm. I've tried masturbating and can't even get close to climax in sex or while it's time to

masturbate. My heart rate doesn't even go up. Since taking an SSRI, so low for a few years, I don't even get that tingly sensation in my clit. The one thing that doesn't seem to be wrong in terms of my sexual dysfunction is that I am able to get wet, but I don't feel turned on no matter what I try. It's like my body's ready for sex, but I have no desire.

Even when I am wet, I just don't feel anything. I touch my body in all different ways, my clitoris, my vulva. It's just overly sensitive and just doesn't feel good to the point where it actually hurts. I try figuring myself, nothing works. I have numbness down there, even when I'm wet. When I'm having sex, there's just not physical changes

like faster breathing than people talk about. I don't know what's wrong with me. I plan on trying a sex toy, but I don't see how that will feel good if I have zero pleasure. I do anything to have the arousal and desire sensation back, but I have a feeling that this sexual dysfunction won't go away,

even though I've started to take profit medication before I started SSRI. I got horny, but never felt the desire to touch myself. Now, I never even get horny after four-play. What can I do? Is this problem of normal for someone so young, do you have any advice? All right, make up. Thanks so much for your question. So I'm really glad you wrote it, and here's the thing.

There's a lot of different things that could be happening here. And since I'm not seeing you in person and we're not talking, it's really hard to know. But first, it sounds like that even before you went on SSRIs, you were not having a lot of turn-ons or sensations ever. And then you also mentioned that you have some pain.

And I'm wondering if there's anything going on with your vagina or internally or externally, like how bad is the pain? Does it ever hurt during penetration? Does it hurt during touch? Could there be some kind of like vaginism? Is there could there be some kind of just pain happening? Some overactive nerve endings. Maybe I would send you to a pelvic floor physical therapist to kind of take a look and see what is really going on inside. Sometimes people just kind of have an overgrowth of nerve endings. When they're born, some people have gone through some kind of trauma. You might not even remember that's caused you to tense and cause you to constrict your body. So you're not feeling as

much. I'm not sure why you don't have a lot of sensation. Now, certainly being on an SSRI, which are antidepressants, you know, like Zoloft could have an impact on that, but a lot of times the side effects from SSRI's do subside over time. And typically they don't often leave it so you can't feel anything. So I'm just wondering if it's SSRI's, if it's some pre-existing pain, if there's been a little bit of trauma, either physical or emotional trauma, I'm not sure what's going on here or if you're just anxious and you're worried and you're like, I'm not feeling anything, why aren't I feeling anything? And you're so inside of your head that I need you to step out of your head for a little bit and go into your body and start to do some exploring, some mindful

masturbation, some time of just breathing and focusing on your body and exploring what feels good. I mean, you're 19 years old, you're really young, you're really just starting out now in this exploration journey. It's K-I-V-N-Orgasm. I didn't have one till I was 25 years old. A lot of fellow owners don't have them until they're 20s even. So I want you to take the pressure

and the judgment off yourself and take time to explore. What does it feel like to have hands on your body, you know, without the goal of orgasm, the goal of the exploration? Look at your secondary riding in your zones, you know, like your neck, your inner elbow, your inner thighs, your outer thighs touching your stomach and just moving your hands over your body.

What feel good? Notice. Do some deep breathing. Now getting a toy is also a great tool in exploring your body. Love some great, literal vibrators like J.Ju, Mimi, or some pulsators like the womanizer. Those are just some really fun toys to explore nerve ratings to kind of wake them up. Maybe you're not having a lot of blood flow to your clitoris. Maybe there are some other things happening with the medication and

playing with the toy might help you start to realize, Oh, I can have feeling. I do have sensations in my body. You know, and I think that it will help you kind of get out of your head and break out of these negative thoughts and beliefs and open up your mind to the possibility of more pleasure and more orgasms just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it's not going to happen in the future. This is why I love a mindfulness practice like breath work, meditation, God breath work is so important when it comes to me to masturbation or any kind of sex really. What I've found is having a really strong breath practice

gets me out of my head and into my body. And it sounds like you just might need to foster a really good mind body connection. So you can connect both those areas and start to feel your sensations so you're just not in your head, worrying so much. Now, if the medication also is impacting your ability, definitely talk to your doctor by it. Nobody should ever start tapering off medication

without talking to a doctor. But if you're feeling like these medications really are responsible for the reasons why you're not having as much sensations and talk to your doctor, see what your doctor can do to kind of help you find another solution that could allow you to feel less depressed, less anxious, and at the same time embodied and in touch

with what you're feeling all over your body. Because you deserve pleasure. We all do. Thanks for your question, Mika. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 talk sex.

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