Sex With Emily - What's Your (Sex) Type?

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about the different sexual personality types and where people seem to be going for sexual health information – but probably shouldn’t be. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. She goes over what might make you a giver, a decompressor, or an explorer when it comes to sex, how to come clean about dating your best friend’s soon to be ex-husband, and whether or not it’s worth it to teach someone better oral skills. Plus, whether or not to tell your girlfriend you’ve been having sexual dreams about men.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more info on the sex personality types from Vanessa Marin, click HERE.For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking about different sexual personality types. And where people seem to be going for sexual health information, but probably shouldn't be. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, are you a giver, a decompressor, or an explorer when it comes to sex? I've got a list of sexual personality types. So you've been dating your best friends soon to be ex-husband and you're not sure how to tell her, yikes. You're an older woman dating a younger man and he wants some guidance on oral. Are you willing to teach him? And you're heterosexual but you've been having dreams about sex with men. Do you tell your girlfriend? All this and more thanks for listening. broke anything to kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything you between. For more information, check out sexathemely.com and you can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily across the board. Okay, and for the new year, intentions with Emily. So each show, let's start off by setting an intention. I'm doing it, I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is right now, when you're listening, think about what you wanna get out of listening

to this episode, like how can this help you? You might be thinking, I love personality tests. I wanna know my sexual one, or could be, I really don't know how to get myself pleasure during sex and I'd love to have some guidance. My intention for the show is, I wanna give you guys insight into describing how you experience sexual pleasure.

Would it bring out of you and how you can use as a jumping off point to figure out what you actually need in the bedroom? The following sex personality types were developed by Vanessa Marin, licensed psychotherapist and writer specializing in sex therapy. All right, guys, enjoy the show. We got some sex in the news, again and do. It's been quite a week.

Let's talk about this Reddit thing. People are turning to Reddit to figure out if they have an STI. So apparently thousands of people are going to Reddit to get a crowd diagnosis. It's a subreddit called RSTD, and it found that 58% of posts were explicitly requesting a crowd diagnosis and 31% included picture of the symptoms, which just sounds like, I

mean, I don't want to be just randomly sitting there and then people are posting pictures of their whatever's their vortignal. It's like you have to like click in the post. In the post and then you have to click on a link to Imjur and then you have to have an Imjur account to view the photo. Mine I just like clicked on it and the photo came up. Oh, really? In my app, yeah.

Oh maybe because, oh, you know why? Because I wasn't doing it on the app. I was doing it on the app. I wasn't signed in. Yeah, the app mine just like I click on the, I click on this this photo and I'm like, oh, okay, and then I click on the, I click on the post and then it's like, click picture and post.

Oh, there it is. There it is. Oh, great, we're all looking at it. Now there's one in the lips. Comedy out. Works on lips. Oh, thank you. Just clicked it.

Oh, I'm glad I can't see that far at this moment. But like, and the thing is, people were told what I like is people are set told like get it get a second opinion by doctor But it sounds like people from going there and like the own this is okay the downside is a misdiagnosis super detrimental to the person Asking and then their sexual partners after if they choose not to get medical treatment They're like oh, I've got this problem and they found it by a bunch of people on Reddit what I do like is it opens a Conversation and lessons a stigma around sex and STI since

it's such a popular threat. I mean, there's, I wasn't the people on there who've done this over time. But I feel like the reason we're doing this because they don't want to go to their doctors because they're really embarrassed to talk to their doctors about sex. So like, I'll just go on Reddit, which I don't recommend. No, no. It's like you're a hypochondriac and you're reading like WebMD. Oh, yeah, that's me. But you know, I totally would be like your hypochondrack and you're reading like WebMD.

Oh yeah, that's me. Right, you're niche. I totally would be like, wait, do I have something down there? Like right now, I'll probably look and I'd, I'm only that sexless, Nick. Right, and I know, you know, we're both clean and I just added a CD to my doctor. You start to itch though.

Right, and now I'm like, now I'm itchy. Oh my God, should I get tested again? Wait, I know I'm okay, but oh my gosh, I have a work down there too. Do I? Maybe I should go to this and ask everyone and then I am the problem. A lot of times right, exactly.

Right, exactly. She's like, did you see me on the Reddit? Yeah, on the Reddit. On the Reddit, I just love when you do that. I love it. She's on the Reddit. Oh my gosh, the finish, like the STD. STI is not a, it's not a death sentence.

We did a great podcast from Shannon George from same day, STD testing, which is, you know, she, she really talks about it a way that I think is, uh, makes a lot of sense, you know, that it's how to talk to your partner. If you have something going on and how to get tested, if you have a not gotten tested, you can do it in the same day, same day, STD test, which is cool. I will say though on Reddit that there is a subreddit for people that have STDs, but are trying to date people. So it's like a support. Oh, that's cool. So it's like a separate subreddit.

Do you think they use these pictures to like swipe, like swipe through my I think you know, like a dating app for people at CD is like, here's my words. What are yours's like like? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't it. God. I know. That was amazingly hard.

I just picture an app because I think there isn't app or something dating site with SEDs. Oh wow. If you're gonna be vulnerable, here's isn't all the flesh. Well it's smart because it's like, because some people might only feel comfortable dating someone, like if it's been mostly if you have like,

you know, herpes, whichever HVSV1 or HSV2, I could see why that would work. Cause then you wouldn't have to worry about passing an off-tier partner and then they understand and you don't have to go through that awkwardness. Yeah, no, it makes sense, you guys listen. There's a lot of sites, Trevor, what do they say the ones with the, is it the farmers?

Which is the most popular dating site? They're having the most sex. Farmer's only. Farmer's only because farmers are having the most sex. Farmers are, they did a study, this was like came out a couple months ago, but they did a study on occupations and farmers have more sex than any other occupation

and they have more stamina because, I mean, they're doing churn, churn all day. Well, you know what's interesting? That ad used to run all the time when I lived in Fresno and it was like, meet farmers only, meet or something like that. And I was like, who's using that? Who was that?

Because they also, they all live like 17 miles away from civilization. Yes, they do. I know. I remember people in Sanger, people all over that central valley. Like what else you got to do? I mean, I feel like there's not a lot to distract. Yeah. And I mean, all the houses, if you're on a farmer,

miles apart from each other. Have some nice feet. It'll be a sex. This is what I like technology. Wow sex. Wow. Okay. Let's oh yeah. Wow. I love Love to me too. I don't want roommates or I know I'm living a townhouse anymore so I can have really. Oh yeah see that's what I can do. I want to do that so bad. I know. It's true. Okay you guys so here's something that's interesting. Apparently there's 11 sex personality types. According to a sex expert, we were reading through these and I think it's can you spot yourself? There is the decompressor. So this is someone who uses sex as a stress reliever to blow off steam. Now I wonder if they're just saying like this is how they actually have

sexual intercourse or just masturbation because I know for a lot of us just like having an orgasm can leave a lot of stress. I like the explorer. This person's always trying to find new paths to pleasure. So they're always looking around like what can I do? That's what can I do that's going to be interesting and new and novel, which I think that a lot of us, I mean it's again, I love this just because it's like find yourself in these 11 different types and you might be one or two or three of them, which I feel like I've

been all these different times in my life now, but many of them. So the explorer, you want to try new things between the sheets, have fun, not take it too seriously, you're curious sexually, you're willing to learn, you crave novelty, you are exploring. Then there's the fair trader and feel free to speak up here in the room, fair trader. Generosity and a healthy give and take in the bedroom are crucial for the fair trader. You expect your partner to meet your needs with enthusiasm and you gladly do the same

as long as they may need. You want to know that your partner and joy is giving as much as you and Ray receiving in vice versa. It can throw you off in the sense that if your partner isn't into it as much as you are. So if your partner feels disconnected during sex, you get caught in your head and you're unable to enjoy the experience. Yeah, that's pretty accurate for me myself.

But see, what about, I thought you was just like receiving if you could? If I could, well, that's what I'm saying. I could, but I do get, I get a lot of pleasure from giving pleasure. Right. Like, when I give head, head, I get so turned on. And you're sex addict, just kidding. I don't know. I don't know, I'm starting to think it's gonna be better. But I'm also the decompressor. Yeah, just to release stress.

I feel like you are too. That's how I like, because my only time that I'm truly, fully in my body and working through anything is when I'm truly, fully in my body and working through anything is when I'm having sex. Yeah, it's the only time. That's why I think exercise would be good for you too. I know, but I just have to have a fan hat. Oh my god, I'm gonna get way.

I get exercise and do my greens. Yeah. So I go to a gym that has the actual like fans on the machines. Oh, okay, cool. Cause they fitness. Yeah, I just need to change my gym. Yeah, not that I've gone in a while. But not all of them have that either.

But that's the only one I'll go to is the ones that have the fans like right there. Cause I say yeah, it sucks. I used to love hiking all the time. And now it's like when it's hot out like I can't go hiking. Cause I'll get like, you can't have sex at any point. Those were your saying that doesn't give you headache. Yeah. And I get it's like when it's hot out like I can't go hiking because I'll get like you can have sex at any point Those were you're saying that doesn't give you headache. Yeah, and I get it's pretty vigorous. I would say I feel like it would be You know Jamie Okay, guys call us with your sex type. You see yourself in here triplet 947 8277

So then this is the giver in your eyes sex is like a gift And you just want to share with your partner and your partner's sexual experience, their orgasm, their pleasure is just as important as your own and maybe even more so. You're varying to with your partner's experience. It makes you feel good to know your partner can feel good and you are a giver. And that also I mean if you're a giver, this is the rubbier. You have a really hard time receiving when it's your turn. I think I feel like a lot of women are like this, probably.

They just want to give and they have a hard time receiving in every aspect of their life and maybe sex. True. Yeah. So, you may feel uncomfortable being the focus of attention or just receiving it without reciprocating. I feel like that when I was younger, I might have been more of a giver because I didn't understand. I believe that men didn't really want to please me.

I didn't know and I thought, well, they're not gonna think I'm a good lover unless I'm giving to them. So I have to give a blowjob. I have to make sure he has an orgasm. I was so overly concerned like my orgasm didn't matter, but your pleasure matters. Yes.

And so I feel like I see that in a lot of more so women than men, because we're raised to be nurturing caretakers and our orgasms are much less frequent during intercourse. Yeah, and since intercourse typically is the main event and most heterosexual lives that Yeah, I think a lot of women can see themselves as givers young party Christina did the same thing Yeah, right young I always would give them head It'd be in the back seat of a car and then I'd be like all right Let you can come on my ass, right? And I just be like yeah, let's do this and then I'd be like, all right, you can come on my ass. And I'd just be like, yeah, let's do this. And then I wouldn't orgasm.

I'm like, whatever. Right, it matters. That was a drunk. So I was, I probably don't remember if I did or not. Right, exactly. Or it wasn't the focus. Yeah, God, I faked it so many times. I was such a good faker.

Me too. Yeah, they were like, oh, man, you came so many times. I was like, yeah, I was like totally faking that. I know. I could hold the bar as well. You were a multiple orgasm faker. Yeah. Yeah. So I was just trying yeah, I was like totally faking that. I know. I could hold the ball as a mirror. You were a multiple orgasm faker. Yeah. So it was just tying it more.

I was just cagling, tightening all around the penis. And I was like, ah, yeah. That's how it sounded really, I know. I'm sure you did better. Look at that. I know. It's so easy to fool. It is.

Well, there are always like every woman's orgasm with me. Every woman had an orgasm with you. Let's talk about it. I've got the magic penis. It doesn't work. Jamie does have a magic. Do you feel more powerful with that penis in your hand? I kind of do. You look good. Not a girl penis. Flasks in penis. It's just like, wha-wha-wha. Jamie's never had a fuss about how the flasks in penis. They probably get very excited with Jamie's hands. Okay, then there's the the garden. Very small. I don't know. Just your hands. Do look larger and there you go. Oh, God. You know, many men now they'll be like, I only want Jamie's hands. Okay. We've got that's the giver. Then we've got the guardian. And this means that you want to feel safe with your sexual partner. That's the most important thing to you. Maybe you had trauma

in your sexual past, you had sexual trauma, and you feel that that foundation of security with your partner and with yourself is the most important thing. Boundaries are important to you and enthusiastic consent. Again, I think this is common for many people. I especially do this for women that when they feel safe with the partner, they can trust them. They're more likely to have the most pleasure. Then there's the passion pursuer. For you, the sex isn't good unless it's intense and it's all consuming, maybe even animalistic.

If you're varying to with the energy between you and your partner during sex, you love the idea of letting go and losing yourself in the moment, and the best sex is when time seems to stand still. The passion pursue. I think I'm a little bit of a passion pursueer or my pleasure seeker. That's next. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get in to your calls. Okay, let's talk to Michelle. She's 42 in New York. Hi, Michelle. Thanks for calling. Hi, Maria. I'm good. What is going on? Hi. Tell me. Hi. Well, I am recently divorced in the past two years. And over those two years, I've

developed a really strong group of girlfriends and we're all actually divorced now. And I started dating one of my very close friends, recent ex-husband. Okay. And he's amazing. And I think, you know, any kind of things you would hope that a partner brings out your best, right? Right.

And he got divorced because maybe they didn't. Right. But I think it's kind of a thing. And we don't know what to do. How long has it been? Well, kind of since July, but in September, we took a little bit of a break because it was getting a little too intense for me. And I'm used to being very independent.

And I just wasn't ready for all of that. Okay. And we kind of started it back up again. And it's much stronger now than it was. And how long have you been friends with this woman? So you always your question like, what do I do? Do I tell the friend? Is that your, is that what you're asking? Because your best friends? Yeah. He wants to tell her. Okay. And I'm not ready to do that because I'm worried that, you know, it could obviously jeopardize our friendship.

And I need her in my life at the same time. So it's, wow. How long have you, how long have you, you don't know how to handle it? Yeah, this is a tough one. How long have you been friends with the friend, the girlfriend? A couple of years.

Couple of years and you met the ex through her. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and what kind of place is she in in her life right now? Is she dating someone else? No. She's not. And their relationship as exes is not fantastic. So I hear both sides and it's really hard to stay.

Well, this is, yeah. This is a trick. This is tricky, Michelle. I mean, listen, I think if you tell her, you will lose her as a friend. I don tricky, Michelle. I mean, listen, I Think if you tell her you will lose her as a friend. I don't at least for now You know who knows life is long you end up with this guy and they have kids together or something like, you know You're the new stepmom She'll come around, but I think that I mean they they got divorced what a few years ago. How long ago? Oh, they're still working through it. Oh, so it's very recent.

They're not even really divorced yet? Yeah. Okay, Michelle. So you guys have been friends for a few years. You bet the husband the ax six months ago, you've been dating him. They're not even through the divorce yet. This isn't, this is, yeah.

Okay, so are you, now listen, let me just say some things I've heard in here. First of all, you said you broke it off because it was too intense. And then he, for a month, you stopped. And then you came back and it was even better, right? But that's like, that's happened to everything. Like you stopped eating chocolate for a month and then you've a Hershey Bard that Baza won't I ever had. So I'm just saying that you have this built-in intensity now that you took a break and that that that that and it's only been a few months. And you don't really know this guy yet. I know it feels like everything.

I'm just telling you that you don't have all the information about this guy either. And I mean, the fact that now you know things on both sides, like she's just going to feel a huge violation. Huge. Like how could I trust you? Now you're hearing both things. And even if you don't share what they both say, you know. So I think you really gotta think about this.

I mean, you're gonna lose her as a friend. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the story. I mean, unless she's, you know, I don't know what. Different kind of friend. I'd be like, I'm just happy you found love with my ex-asshole husband. Yeah, I can't imagine that. So this... So you're going to laugh. Like just randomly, she said the other night that she had heard from her daughter that her dad had a crush on me.

Oh. And she said to me, she's like, I heard the funniest thing. Someone said that, you know, he has a crush on me. And she said to me, she's like, she's like, I heard the funniest thing. Someone told her said that, you know, he had the crush on you. She's like, and if he does, you can have them. She'll help you. Well, well, that's interesting. Okay. So yeah, I think that she, I think she might know. I think that's a sneaky way of saying like I heard something. Maybe I mean, the discussion went a little bit more else than that. What do you mean?

My daughter chimes and she's like, yeah, he was at the house. He was what? She said he was. He was my I don't want to give me. My daughter had said, yeah, he went to the house a couple weeks ago. Okay, yeah, you, you, you, my, I don't want to give me, but my daughter hit it. Yeah, he went for a couple of weeks. Yeah. Okay.

So there you go. She knows she's trying to get it. She's trying to get it. That's her way of doing it. She's trying to see if you're going to come clean. So I think she already knows it's probably a small town. Everyone knows everybody. She probably knows.

So I would, I would just have an honest conversation with her. Let her know what's going on. You gotta do it. Everyone knows. Do you think that makes it in a better place? Knowing that. Well, you know, this is so tricky, Michelle. No, I think that you have to let her know

that you're gonna go to her and say, you might know this already, but I've been seeing your ex-husband and I think it's amazing. And I'm really confused right now because I love our friendship and I care so much about you, but I really think this is something. So you know she might have given giving you an out by saying,

hey I heard you as a crush on you and she might have been saying, dammit tell me, like tell me. I don't know your friend it just seems kind of like, but either way I'm telling you if you hit listen, I hear my acts as a cry, I'm going on the answer, I'm doing research, I'm detective. We figure shit out. She knows. She might know she has a hunch. So I think what you say to her is what you want. Maybe you just sit on this for a little, you know, a day or something, but I think you've

really got to think about it because do you pick him or do you pick her? You just, you can just be honest, but you have to say what you want. Wait a little longer. Can I get a little longer to see where this goes before I like drop the bomb and like make all this drama where it might not be enough. It's everyone's, I think that everyone will find, I think that they'll find out. I think you have to tell her. I really think that's just the right thing to do.

She's your best friend, to be honest now that I'm like, she's your, you said best friend, not acquaintance, not a friend where kids are friends at school. You know, not I knew her once in third grade, like your best friend's ex-husband. It's just not, I don't think it's cool. And if you were my best friend and you started, and you didn't tell me for six months, like I would be really pissed off.

And I'm not sure he's the one, he may or may not be, but it's your best friend's ex. So, I mean, I think love is love and think people go through these things all the time. And so you got to just figure it out, Michelle. Just that would think long and hard about it, okay? Do some journaling. That always helps me. Call me back if you want to talk about it though. I'm here every night. Okay, Michelle. I got you. Hang in there. That's a tough one. I'm like reading, looking at going best friend. I mean, I feel like people know, people she probably does know by saying that.

Yeah, intuition is like strong. And I would do the, honestly, I don't like testing people. I would do the same thing. I would be like, oh, I heard this thing. Yeah, I think we've all done things like that. So, you guys, I'm not, I'm not the judge. I'm not the moral police here in certain ways. Like I'm not gonna be like, you should totally do this.

So you shouldn't, I don't know what's right for Michelle. Like, maybe he is the one there, you know, supposed to be together and they found each other. But I think about your best friend. Like I, my best friends are like, I, I couldn't, you know, like, how did it even start? Right. Let's talk. Oh, Stephanie, L.A. 51 Watts a comment on Michelle's call. Hi, Stephanie. i i'm good so tell me what you think about this michelle well i might have missed a couple of details while i was downing in but i think i've got it okay i'm divorced

i'm divorced too and i would say i've dated a lot of divorce guys and especially when they're going through the divorce and fresh from the divorce they're everything super intense, right? You're so excited to find somebody that you connect with, sex is great, it's exciting because kind of forbidden, it's in this case. And I don't know if it's going to last. Now, if her friend, the best friend is at all wise to this, which it sounds like she is. I think she needs to come

clean right away or risk at the entire friendship and not just her friendship, but if there's a group of girls. Exactly. She's going to lose all those friends. You're right. I mean, it's like girl code. Yeah, no Stephanie. I think you're totally right. No, that's a good thing. This is helpful. You know what I mean? It's her best friend could lose the friends, people talk about it. My friendships are golden. They like their, my- Yeah, exactly. And if the guy is really the guy, right, then he'll be the guy in a couple years.

Yeah, exactly. And then when everything is settled down. I feel it. I feel you, Stephanie. Thank you so much. Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Yeah.

You guys do my girlfriends. Like, I would not read. My friends are're like my family. Yeah, I'm not gonna fuck with those relationships. Okay, let's talk to John 33 in South Carolina. Hey John tell me everything. Hey, how's it going? I'm good. What's going on good? Well, you know, I am a 33 year old male from South Carolina as you mentioned I am what I would call the heterosexual male and I have been with the same sex partners. I'm currently dating a serious girlfriend. You know, it's been a few years since I have had same-sex encounters. But as of late, I've been kind of thinking about some of those encounters,

and I actually had a dream the other day, just, well, it's just, you know, I was like sometimes when I go to sleep, I think about those encounters. And then as well, I had a dream in the day where it was my serious girlfriend and she happened to have a penis I guess and in that dream you know we were in a car but I let her in let that penis enter my mouth in the dream and woke up next to her. But, you know, I'm just really

confused trying to figure out kind of what's going on and what's the kind of best way to deal with what I'm experiencing. Well, I mean, John, thank you so much for your honesty here for calling in and about this because I got to say, John, there's really not a problem here. You just had a dream about, you know, a penis with your girlfriend and there's no problems unless you've been feeling that lately you've kind of been wanting to be with men again. Yeah. Okay.

So that's what it sounds like to me. So maybe that is a sign and you said you're thinking about it when you're, you know, before you go to bed at night. And so really it's about, is it the kind of thing that you're, you know, before you go to bed at night. And so really it's about, is it the kind of thing that you're thinking you would like to, you know, we like to explore it. Do you feel like it's something that you want to talk to your girlfriend about? We've had conversations and I've discussed it with her and, you know, she's kind of aware. And of course, it's one of those things where we just don't really talk about too much.

Right. But it's been discussed. And I guess what I'm having troubles with is, you know, I am, I'm wavering or trying to figure out, like just how, you know, how I want to progress or re-grass, I guess, is maybe the best thing because... I think you're just getting more in touch with yeah No, I don't even think it's a regression. I think that we all have been flow with our Sexual desires or sexuality with the spectrum as Kinsey said so you know

I you don't have to like put any labels on it But that's was a part of your life and now you're you love this woman you're with you're really committed to her But you still have other sexual desires right which is totally healthy So I feel like it might not be so black and white if you could maybe go back to your girlfriend and talk to her and let her know that, you know, I've been having some of these, you know, fantasies again. And, you know, how would it look to you, John,

when you think about it? Do you think that you would like, would you like her to be there? Would you like to have a threesome with another man? Would you rather just have a date with a man and come back to her? What do you think of sex with a man? In your perfect John scenario.

I know. Yeah. In my perfect John scenario, it would be where, I don't think I could do it where she was there. OK. I just, I feel like that would take away from our kind of experiences and encounters that we have. Right.

Yes, I do I love her very much, but you know, there's times where I think back to those days, I guess. Yeah, and it's, it's, it's very common to, because you think about it before you go to bed. So that's also going to be the thing. But I do think this is like a primary sexual urge for you. Like, so John, I'm thinking about this and it's like, I just, I first, I just want to say I'm so glad you called in because it's got to be so confusing and you know, how long have you been with your girlfriend?

Um, three years. Okay. I'm just going to recap real quick though that you've been with her for three years and the past you've been with men. And now you're thinking, God, it's coming up more and more before you go to bed. You're thinking about it and then you're going to dream about like, you know, being her with the penis. And you're like, what's going on? What does this mean?

And so, John, I just want to say that just means that like a part of you, your sexuality that has felt good to in the past has been maybe a little repressed by you. Maybe you're just like, I'm really with a woman. And if I'm with a woman, then I can't be with a man. And then that's confusing. But the good news is it's 2019. And I think that there's a lot more acceptance around this

and a lot more, at least I'm here for you, to tell you that it's okay to want both. And that really it would be a matter of having a really just like healthy conversation with your girlfriend and just saying, it's, you know, I love you. This has been coming up for me lately. And perhaps you guys could even do some like, I don't know if you'd be ready for this,

but do some role-playing around it. I don't know if you're interested in her wearing a strap on. I'm not sure what your pleasure is, what your fantasy is. Yeah, no, we've done that. And I would say that that is more what I kind of found is my role when I did do those experiences. Okay. And I think maybe that's why it's so confusing.

Just because I don't, in this role, I'm more of the dominant and instead of being in that more submissive role, I guess. And so, yeah, it's super confusing. And I think I definitely, I definitely at time think I prefer that, that, that kind of role. You'd prefer the role of being dominant or the role of being submissive. No.

submissive. Got it. Okay. So, so maybe you just be more savvy. You don't talk to her and say, you know what? I've realized those times when I'm more submissive, it really turns me on. I love being submissive. So I just feel like maybe we could kind of work that in more to our sex life. And maybe John,

maybe you'll find that just that will be what you need. You don't need to do the man, but that feeling of being submissive is what you want. You know, there's feelings that we have want to have around sex often. And we don't identify with them. We're just like, oh, I want this after that, but maybe you just want that feeling of letting go and being Smith if so that might be it. Yeah. Well, we've done that and it's it's I think you're you're close and that's I guess why it's so confusing because we luckily I have a very open You know, relationship at least with understanding with her and wishing understands that but you know at this point in time It's we've done those things things yet I'm still having those. Okay.

Well, what? Your calling fantasies or trainings or thoughts. Yeah, then it sounds, you know, it's, it's, well, it sounds to me like then, it's time to have a conversation with her. It sounds like she's a loving, accepting girlfriend. And maybe, listen, I think that we've a generic view of what relationships are.

We think it's monogamy or it's over. But I'm telling you, there's a lot of relationships that are really healthy where you get to explore and like a non monogamous arrangement, where maybe you are able to have sex with men outside the relationship, but she's still okay, being your girlfriend. Maybe there's things that she wants. Maybe she's got some ideas about how she can enhance her pleasure. So maybe you guys could have just like a really healthy conversation around it that doesn't get solved with one

conversation, John, it's ongoing. But I feel like the answer isn't there yet, but I think with more healthy communication and talking to about it, you will get there. Because you deserve to have your needs met. We all do, okay, John? I think that how do you recommend about having that conversation if we've kind of dabbled around it?

What's the best way to tell her that that's what I feel How do you recommend about having that conversation if we've kind of dabbled around it? What's the best way to tell her that that's what I feel like is needed or wanted and bringing it to her? I think just explaining to her that it's a fantasy that you have to be and you don't want her in the room though you said. So I think you have to, okay, so John, I think what you have to do is just say I've been thinking a lot about our sex life and our relationship and you lead with all the things that are really things that you mean do you want to stay with her do you want to be with her John is this the woman that you want to be with your

certain fear like marry her yeah kids yeah I mean I that's what I that's the plan well right but is that what you're right okay so you're and you're also yeah how old is John 33 you're young still John so I feel like, yeah, how old is John? 33, you're young, still John. So I feel like you don't have to decide that. I'm just trying to understand where you're at and this whole thing, but I feel like it's really saying this is really hard for me, babe. I love you, I love our relationship.

I know we haven't talked about this much, but for me, having a healthy sex life and having an open communication with you is so important. I think for both of our pleasure, and I've been thinking lately more about men. And I love you and I wanna be with you and I'm trying to figure out if there's a way that perhaps I could experiment. And I'd love to know where you want.

And then just see where it goes from there, explain to her what that might look like. Or maybe you just open up the first conversation is, um, I think that's the conversation, John. You got to do it. You got to be honest with her. And hopefully you're with somebody. Well, and, you know, we, we, we, we, we got to have it in its got to be honest with her. And hopefully you're with somebody. Well, and you know, we, we, we, we, we, we got to have it. And it's, it's threatening to her. Okay. So if she's threatened by it, that makes sense to me.

And so maybe for a lot of people, listen, when, when something comes up that's uncomfortable, our first reaction is to be threatened, is to doubt it, is to say, no, but if she might need some more information around it, like, what would that look like? It doesn't mean that you don't love her and you don't wanna be with her. It would be once a month or it would be once a, you know, I don't know what it looks like for you. But for her to understand that for you,

it's not a lot you don't want to marry a man. You just want to have sexual experiences with a man and then perhaps explore with other things that she's interested in. But John, it's just gonna start. I'm not can't tell you that it's gonna be easy, but you're allowed to be vulnerable and real and tell her that, you know, it's not easy, but I'm not can't tell you that it's gonna be easy, but you're allowed to be vulnerable and real, and tell her that, you know, it's not easy,

but this is what you got, you know, what you wanna say, just like you called into the show, which is so brave and awesome, John, and I'm here for you every night. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much for your call, John. I appreciate it so much. You can talk to Anna 48 in New Mexico.

Hey Anna, thanks for calling. Hi there. Hi. Thanks for taking my call. Hi there. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. And this weekend he asked me the question he said, but he wanted me to teach him how to perform oral on me.

That he had only done it twice. And the second time that he did it was, he had a bad experience and he'd never wanted to do it. Right. Again. And so like we're getting at that point where we're more comfortable with each other and so yeah He asked me that's amazing. I love that he asked you that. Okay, and you're like so do you know what to tell him? It's kind of you ever taught anything. Oh, I don't okay. So do you know what you like or like during oral sex?

Well, yeah, I kind of like what you guys were talking about I kind of like you know peeing a little bit I hate when the guy goes goes straight to a cliff. That's the worst. Over. Yeah, it's like two months. And it's like teasing is awesome. But I guess I don't know how to tell him to touch me or how to like tell him.

Right. This is such a good question. Yeah. I mean, I think that this is a really, we'll be such a great experience for both of you to be able to literally show him. You could say, this is the kind of touch I like. You can show it on his body. I like it when you, you could take your hand and rub his inner thigh and say, this is where I love when you rub my inner thighs like this. And,

and you can, um, explain things to him, um, about, and now as far as going down, you like, do you like your labia, do you, do you like, do you like your labia, do you like, do you like what he kind of, when you wait to get to the clearest, do you enjoy fingers? Like where do you want him to start with his tongue? You could even do it to him, you know what I'm saying? Like when you could use his penis as an example of licking,

you know, even though it's not a vulva, but you could just show him and touch him in the way with the same pressure that you like. And then you guys could build from there. And then when he's doing it and you ask him if he's cool with feedback and then reinforce the things that you like, like that's good, that's good, maybe a little softer here.

And you know, I love that he asked. So you could just say, I've never taught anyone this before. So let's learn together. Oh, that's awesome. I feel like I have a good opportunity to kind of, I hate to say this, but train so many. No, you're the second woman to tell me this. No, you's awesome. I feel like I have a good opportunity to kind of hate to say this, but train so many. No, you're the second woman to tell me this.

No, you should treat. I think you're going to be doing him the best service ever. I think we need armies of women training men out of go down on them. That would be amazing, because men don't know. So you're doing a good service for yourself in the country. You really, Anna? You know what? Yeah.

What's funny about that is that he was deployed to Afghanistan for four months and he just came back and I'm teasing my friends they're like give me a hard time because I'm dating such a younger guy and I said I'm thanking him for his service like it's my duty as an American exactly see what I mean yeah it all comes back around you're and you're helping other women the future women that he's with, they'll be like, oh, how'd you know oral? Anyway, it all works out.

Thanks, Anna. Let me know how it goes. Call me back if you need any more tips. I can help you along. You like the show? Well, if you do, rate us right now wherever you're listening. Give us five stars if that's how you feel. And you can also rate us, review us an iTunes, super helpful.

And if there's any more topics you wanna hear about on the show or any of your questions, you can always email anything to feedback at sexwithemily.com. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Get sexwithemily.com.