Sex With Emily - What’s Your Sexual Fantasy?

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

So you’ve got a sex fantasy...and you’re ready for it to become reality. That’s great! But let me be the first to tell you: this process is part art, part science. The art? That’s your erotic self. Closing your eyes, imagining hot -- possibly taboo -- scenarios, and taking the time to discover what turns you on. But the science? That’s where we have to get tactical and think with our heads -- as well as our loins.On today’s Ask Emily show, I take your calls on fantasy and give you practical advice on how to fulfill them. Let’s say your partner has been hinting at a cuckold scenario: how do you go about finding a “third,” and how do you manage expectations for all involved? We get into it. What if you don’t have any fantasies, but you want some? Is there a way to get more creative? Yeahhh there is. Right this way for some sexy self-discovery.Show Notes:FetLifeFeeld #Open Ok Cupid Yea No Maybe ListBook: Coming Together by Celeste And Danielle Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How do you feel about your sex life? Couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better sex or pleasurable sex, more orgasm, stronger connection, but it's not where Jan, if you will don't often do it, but that's, that's my mission on the planet. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you've got a sex fantasy and you're ready for it to become a reality. That's great! But let me be the first to tell you. This process is part art, part science. The

art, that's your erotic self, closing your eyes, managing hot possibilities, maybe it's taboo scenarios, and taking the time to discover what turns you on. But the science, that's where we have to get tactical and think with our heads as well as our loins. On today's Ask Emily Show, I take your calls on fantasy and give you practical advice at how to fulfill them. So let's say your partner has been hinting at a cut-cult scenario. How do you go about finding a third and how do you manage expectations for all involved?

We get into that. What about play parties? How do you ensure a consensual environment, making sure everyone feels safe in the context of an orgy? I've got thoughts for you. And finally, what if you don't have any fantasies? For everyone feels safe in the context of an orgy. I've got thoughts for you. And finally, what if you don't have any fantasies?

It's common, but you actually want some. Is there a way to get more creative? Yeah, there is. Write this way for some sexy self-discovery. Alright, intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same.

So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to clarify the role of fantasy in your relationships and to figure out your own unique way of cultivating a rich fantasy life. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, The Top Sex Mist, you Need To Stop Believing Is Up On SexWithEmily.com And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, do it! Call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or just message me.

SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Alright everyone, Enjoy this episode We have J.R. He's 33 from Arizona Hi, hello. I'm fantastic. I'm very starstruck right now. Oh Hello, it's nice to meet you. Thanks to meet you too. I'm very starstruck right now. Oh, hello. It's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

I have been following you for, I like to say since you were on with Dr. Drew, I think love line possible. Oh yeah, love line. Okay. Yeah. That's a long time. Yeah. Yeah.

It's been a while. Cool. Thank you. How can I help you? What's going on? What I was asking, so my wife and I have been married for over 10 years now. We have two little boys, we have an eight-year-old and a four-year-old. And we always like to keep things fresh. And when it comes to our love life, in the bedroom, or just in general.

We are very sexual beings toward each other all the time. We love each other, and I love her to death. She's like my everything. What I struggle with more than anything is that I want to fulfill her fantasies. And I can't find a way for her to tell me what they are. If there is anything, and when I do ask her, she just is whatever makes you happy makes me happy. And I am a I'm a giver. I like to give. I like to, you know, ask those questions and everything because I want to make sure she's happy. And I know she is. But I just that's my block that I have,

is how do I get her to let me know what else does she wanna do? What else does she wanna explore? Is there anything else she wants to explore or have we tapped into everything? Yeah. Well, here's a great thing about sex. I don't think we ever tapped into all of it.

I think there's always more. However, let me tell you this, Chair, some people don't have fantasies. Some women fantasize, some men fantasize, some don't. Totally typical. For those people, I would just suggest you got to go out and find them, which is fun. You can think about some of her past, like you could ask, what are the most memorable times you've had sex?

Because in that answer, you'll be able to find out maybe why was it memorable? Was it because we were on vacation, was it spontaneous? Did something happen that was different? You know, there's some kernels of information that could help you lead a trail to what she's into or what turned her on. You guys could read a rhodica together or watch porn. Do you have fantasies too that you want to try that maybe might turn her on?

Right, no, and that's what we've talked about because I, of course, I have fantasies, right? And I talk about it and she goes, well, let's do it, let's try it out. I'm all about it, you know? And we do, you know, it's just, it's hard in between kits. You know, like you have kids all day,

you're running around, so it's like, when, and I don't like planning, like Tuesday at four, we're going to do this. And that's not how we are. We are more spontaneous and if it happens, it happens. But I will say we're very active. We've been able to do it. Oh, okay, good. We have sex at least five times a week and I'm not saying intercourse, but you know as far as overall and we've been married for 10 years now. So that's really impressive. I love it.

So you're just saying you want to expand and you want to grow. There's a great book on this coming together by my friend Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harrell. And why I like this book is because it gives you homework together to kind of figure out what was your earliest sexual memories? What really turned you on? What was the first time you were at sex? What was the most memorable?

What, yeah, it just helps you guys communicate. And it's a really fun book, I think, that can help you both go a little bit deeper into your sexuality. Because so many of us have, we have blocks, or we just, she's busy being a mom, or she doesn't even know what's on the menu. You also know it easy ways, our yes, no, maybe list, which is on our website,

which so people love that. It has 80 things on it, from like kissing, to cuddling, to spanking, to pegging. Is it a yes, is it a no, is it a maybe? And then you guys can like, teach, take that quiz, and like swap lists. So there's different ways to get it going. And typically it is a conversation outside the bedroom.

Do you guys do date nights? Still, I hope with the four year old and a eight year old. Yeah, it's difficult, but what we do is I, kind of funny. I will look at the kids to bed and I'll have her dress up and I'll dress up and I'll do like candlelight dinner out there if we can. So like I try to keep it like, you know, okay, we're on a date night because all of our families out of town. We don't have any family out here. They're hours away. So when they do come in town, we do sneak one in, but for the most part, it's hard. It comes far into between and trying to find the right sugar.

Can you guys afford? It's really important. Like there have been actually studies that have shown that couples who have a non-negotiable date night every week have better sex, more pleasure, more, all these things that have a better relationship because it has to be that time that's like you're non-negotiable. So maybe you could find a sitter once, make you make that a priority. I know it's hard to find one, but it's important. Yeah, and I think we just need to dive more into like actually truly finding one, you know, I mean, I just gotta be something out there. I think we need to take more effort into finding a sitter rather than maybe some, maybe one will come by, you know, I mean, I just just got to be something out there. I think we need to take more effort into

finding a sitter rather than maybe some maybe want to come by, you know, like, yeah, find a sitter. Talk to your friends. Talk to your friends with kids and say, do you have anyone that you like? And that's how it gets started. There's sometimes there are also some apps too that you help find you babysitters. And I think that that would be a really great first step. Couples just forget and then years go by and they're like, we've never been without the kids.

It's been a year, it's been two years and it's really important for you guys to nurture your own relationship as well and give that time. That's awesome. Yeah, I know that's fantastic. I didn't think about like the use of the erotic of reading and every time that she's a huge reader.

So that would be awesome. That's great tip. Get some erotic, a Rachel Kramer bustle, like Google Buster, Rottica, I think we have some on our website and just start reading, reader on the tub or something. I make it a sexy night. Have her lay down and you'll give her a massage and read her. Just see what gets her going because you'll start to know when her body starts to move. She gets turned on. So yeah, I love this. That's awesome. Yeah, let me know how it goes, okay?

I definitely want to thank for taking time. Of course. So great. So thank you for everything. I appreciate it again. Of course. I'm so glad to see you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love that there are happy couple. Things are great. It's sex five times a week, but remember sometimes it's not about how many times a week you're having sex. It's about are you both getting your needs met? Is it quality sex over quantity? But they seem very happy. They just have to have some more conversations. I hope this has inspired some of you right now to get a babysitter if you don't have one,

because it is so important to still prioritize your relationship. When you have kids, when life happens, you have to always say we are doing this date night. It's going to happen and we're going to do everything we can to make sure it happens. Even if you leave and go around the corner somewhere, it's just important to get out of the house, agree that you're not gonna talk about the kids, continue to get to know each other and have those conversations that you had

at the beginning when you fell in love. And that's gonna help everything. It's gonna help your turn on, it's gonna help you guys connect more. So I'm a huge fan. This email is from Anna 22 in London. Hey Dr. Amley, my boyfriend, I've been long distance for two months now.

I've gotten into the swing of engaging in phone or FaceTime sex. My boyfriend's really good at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we are on the phone. However, I get a little quiet and don't know what to say but would love to contribute. I try to think of what I want him to be doing to me or what an experience has been like between us in the past, but I can't ever get the words out to properly do it any justice, any tips. Alright, yes, Anna, well, I think what you're saying here is that you're doing a lot of things that I recommend talking about something that's happened in the past and something that you want to happen in the future.

What you're saying here is that doesn't work for you because you just can't get the words out of your mouth. So, here's what you need to do. Practice your dirty tongue boys. Do it in the shower or when you're driving or you're getting ready and you're looking in the mirror. Practice saying it out loud like you are an actor and you're preparing your lines for a scene because it's a new part of yourself and it's not fake and it's not wrong and there's no problem practicing. If you guys were thinking oh that's going to make me feel worse, not at all.

It's going to make you feel way more comfortable when the situation goes down. And you could also, maybe when you're masturbating, you could practice your dirty top voice. When you're alone, you can think about, like, what would I be saying right now? And just practice. There's no one around. They don't have to hear you. Maybe you could listen to erotica as well. That's a great way to hear how other people are doing it.

And then you could stop it and you can listen to it and make it at your own. Deepening your voice, talking slower, and just being really, really descriptive about what you want from your partner. I'm saying, I remember the last time we were together. I can't stop thinking about where your hands felt on my ass. You could even write it out, and you could write these things out that you might want to say, and then practice them. So that's why I'm hearing from you. It just takes a little bit of practice. And once you do it, it still might be a little stressful the first time, a little anxious,

but once you get the words out, you're going to be so impressed that you're able to do this, and you're going to be a master dirty talker, sex, or face timer, and no time. Feel good about this one, Anna. Let me know how it goes. We have Laura 32 from Iowa. It's hi, Laura. Hi. How can I help you?

This is so exciting. So my partner, it's really turned on when he thinks about me as someone else or could have the opportunity to see me with someone else. And I wanna know what the best way to introduce a third party into that is, because I love that, and I'm fine with it,

and I get turned on by the fact that he wants to claim me after more or less, which I think is so hot, but I wanna know how to still keep it light and fun with introducing a third person and then exiting a third person. Okay. First, so is this third person a man?

Yeah, Miss Timmy, he wants to watch you with a man. You do wanna know about how you can find someone, go out finding a third? Yeah, because we've talked about it before and he's thought about us you know, us going out and approaching someone, but I feel like that's kind of risky because you don't know what the reaction

on the third party is going to be. So I want to know how to find someone, but then in my mind, I picture like that third party exiting and it just think that's two again. So I want to know what the best way to go about it is while still

keeping it like sexual and fun and not like awkward radio silence, you know. It's such a great question because you're like, I, I want to have sex, but I don't want to connect with this person. Like I don't want to, like, we're not going to get all, we're going to have believe. There's like play parties you can go to. Do you know of any play parties in your area? There's a website called FETLIFE, FETLIFE, there's apps like even the apps like okay Cupid and there's another one called field FEELD and even there's one called also hashtag open. These are all sites websites that can kind of help you find a third partner. So you can even like say what you're looking for exactly. You have to show your faces.

And then you would meet with this person. So that's one way to do it. There's also like there are play parties. So I'm trying to think if there's like a meet up for play parties and how you, because you're in Iowa. So I'm not sure if there's as many other R&L-A like in L.A. There's like a probably a play party going on right now. But it's a little bit different. I know, like probably in Iowa,

but I'm sure they exist. Yeah. And so it would just be, do you have any friends who've been open or a little kid? Yeah, I've had friends in like, kink world, if you will. So I'm sure they would know. So I would just ask them, it just takes one person.

Like, you want you find one person, so then they have parties that are play parties and you have to be invited to go and usually it's couples and single women and there's different kind of rules around there. But that's where you guys are just starting comfortable with other people, you know, around and seeing if you like someone. So however you find this third though and you at first you want to know, maybe you face ten them or you go up for a drink first, you get to know them.

But if you're like, I didn't want to know them, then you would really you want to know, maybe you face 10 then, or you go up for a drink first, you get to know them, but if you're like, I didn't want to know them, then you would really be clear about it and you'd say, this is exactly what I'm looking for. Like once you put it out there, what you're looking for as far as just finding a third, you'd say we're not interested in any kind of other, hang it out after, it's really just for the sex.

And you're just clear, this is the boundary. Tell them what your boundaries are, include everything that's off the table, and then ask them if they've heard what you've said and have them repeat it back, and you can even ask what they're into, and what they'd like out of this situation. And then it's just like clear,

and then you get to go about your business. Yeah. You will find someone. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just a matter of saying, people do this all the time, they go, I don't do sleepovers or I don't look at it with penetration. You know, I don't think we can make out. Like people, it's like, you're allowed to have your boundaries and state them.

Do you think, because not like in my head, I think I probably need to set those boundaries with my partner too, right? Yes. And that's probably from my triggers from previous relationships where I'm like, what do you want to see? This is really for you. You know, and what are you okay with? What are you not okay with? You said that you've talked about like dirty talk it or has he? Is it just thanks you? Okay. So that it's probably pretty explicit. And so I think that you just

want to clarify and say, I want to make sure that you're okay. With me having sex with someone in front of you. Is there anything off-limits? And then you guys should also have a safe word. I would recommend that you guys have your own safe word where you can communicate, in case we can dirty talk, three sums and kinks all we want, but when it's actually happening sometimes, you can get in the moment. You can be like, no, I do not want this to happen. So, definitely talking to him and it sounds like you're making all the right, you're asking all the right questions here.

Yeah, because I want, I wanted to be enjoyable and this is new for me, but I want to do it for him. So, I want to make sure that it is enjoyable and there's nothing can fall through the cracks to win the moment. Okay. Well, what do you want out of it? Are you doing it just to please your partner or? I think it's exciting.

Just because every girl wants to be wanted, so to be wanted and then wanted more, I think it's really, really hot. So I'm excited for that, but I and so sexually pleased with my partner that I hope it's like a fantasy for him. So I want to make sure that like I'm fulfilling his fantasies so that he can fulfill mine. Right. Okay. Yeah. No, it sounds like you guys have a really fun relationship and you're really open and talking about all these things. So I think that it's just really conversation,

communication, lubrication and talking, and maybe even writing it down. Because some of the people don't always hear things that you're saying. And I would have to the contract if you want to be safe. And you want to, it sounds like you guys have great communication, but it's really good to like kind of see the writing.

Yeah. Because this is what we're agreeing to. And it can be really hard to go back to and read it sometimes, but I think, okay, good. We'll check out those apps. I would talk to them about it and I'm have fun. And now I want to hear what, I want to hear what goes. Yeah, well hopefully I have an exciting update

for you soon. It's birthdays on Fridays. Oh, can we do it by Friday? You got some time. Yeah, that hopefully I have an exciting update for you too, and it's birthdays on Friday. Oh, can we do it by Friday? You got some time. Yeah, that's only Tuesday. I think you'll be able to find what you're looking for. I feel good. Okay. Thanks for I so of course I appreciate it. Thank you for calling in absolutely have a good one you too Bye, so what Laura was talking about there was we called a cuckolding in the business when a man has a fantasy about seeing his partner with another woman And I know it's not for everybody. I know a lot of you think, oh, I would lose my mind if my if my woman was having sex with someone else in front of me Oh, well, guess what? It's not for you. This is for some people. It is a fantasy. It's common fantasy and

What I love about this whether it's a threesome bringing another woman or whoever you're bringing in, it's important to have really clear boundaries to your partners to talk about your yeses and your nose and to make sure that you are both in the same page that you're both attracted to the person. If it's going to be a threesome in this situation, you know, I think that's just thinking about it all right. Hey, don't not continue try it. Hi, Janet. Thanks for calling. How can I help you? So I'm calling because so my partner and I we we have a good sex life and he's he's very kind and considerate and considerate lover. But he asked me, he's asked many times in the past, like what my sexual fantasies are, and once you know what I want to do and what you can do to make me happy and stuff.

And the frustrating thing for me is that I'm already fine or happy with the things that we do, and I feel like I'm not very creative. And so I feel like I, and again, it's not that he's, you know, there's like a whole huge amount of pressure or whatever, but I feel like I, I don't really have any other real fantasies. I grew up in a pretty strict Catholic,

you know, home, sex, but for marriage was not okay. Activation was really wrong and stuff. And so I feel like that's played a part in my creativity, I guess. And so I feel like I'm not very creative. It's not that I'm not open to ideas. I just don't have ideas. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely.

You're in the perfect situation right now because you're open and you're willing, but you just don't have any fantasies. And that's really common. I hear this from people all the time. Like some people's brains are more creative sexually and some aren't and that's all okay. Now you get to go deeper into what you do.

Like maybe it could, here's a few prompts for you that might help you figure it out. Cause it's a journey. So first thing I would be honest with your partner and say, I don't have a lot of fantasies but wanna go on a ride with me, let's figure out what they are.

You could start to think about some of your most memorable sexual experiences, even you could do that for yourself, and just think about what was I the most turned on about? And maybe with this partner, was there a night that was particularly hot, was something happening? And so you can kinda look at your own sexual history

and think about things like that that might just kind of get you to start thinking what's hot for you. Maybe it was unexpected or spontaneous or you were dressed up or you were outside in nature. Maybe something happened and start to think about some really hot moments. Also, maybe you guys could read a rhodica to each other or find some hot sex scenes in movies or watch ethical porn together. Like, Bolesa makes some great porn for couples. And so I don't think there should be any shame that you don't have any but I think you might have some fun trying out what your turn on is. What do you think about that? So that's thank you. Those are really good suggestions.

I appreciate that. I feel like I guess maybe talking ahead of time because sometimes I feel like in the moment I'm like uh I don't know like talking ahead of time because sometimes I feel like in the moment, I'm like, I don't know, like a deer on the headlines or something. Oh, well, here's what my thing is that I always tell couples to talk about this stuff outside the bedroom. So it doesn't happen in the moment. It's timing, turf and tone.

I always say like your tone has to be light and curious and open. The turf is outside the bedroom. Maybe when you're going on a walk or you're having dinner and the timing is when you guys are feeling good, you're hanging out, you're not fighting about something or talking about something else. So in the moment, a lot of us can't answer stuff

in the moment, but that's why you have to say, you know what? I want to talk to you about our sex life. Here's what I think is really hot. And you ask you out of fantasies, but I tell you, I don't have any, but here's what does Terminator. Here, I would you like to explore with me. Let's figure it out together.

So just know that some people do, some people don't. Nothing wrong with you. That's very helpful. I appreciate that. I feel like he has some ideas that he doesn't, you know, that he, that maybe he's afraid to share with me. But I'm open to a lot. I just, oh, well, this is great, Janet.

I think that he probably does have fantasies. And let's see, other part of this is to say, here's my fantasies. What are your fantasies? And that's how you're going to find out what he's into what you're into. So this is going to be great. It sounds like you already, you know, you're getting a sense that he's got some things he wants to talk to you about. So maybe he does.

And then remember, you get to ask questions and say, tell me more about that. Oh, that's really new for me. I haven't known that. Tell me more about that fantasy because it might be something that you're just sort of haven't heard of or don't understand. Just say, tell me more about that.

When did you first have the, how would it go down? What would it look like? And the couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better sex, more pleasurable sex, more orgasms, stronger connection, but it's awkward, Janet, people don't often do it, but that's, that's just my mission on the planet.

So, I promise it works. Thanks Janet. Okay guys, this is like the base, this is like what I talked to you guys about all the time that it is okay to have these conversations. It's okay if you fantasize. It's okay if you don't fantasize.

It's okay if you're afraid to have this conversation. It's okay if you fantasize. It's okay if you don't fantasize. It's okay if you're afraid to have this conversation. It's okay if you love talking about sex. It's okay if you've never talked about sex. It's all okay. It's just finding ways to talk about it in a way that is not shaming and blaming and healthy and it's really in the all the name of being a great lover to yourself and to your partner.

It's the most important talk and we can do. This is from Jesse 34 in California. Hey Dr. Emily, Heather Sexual, cisgender female here and I absolutely love your podcast. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend's current and past, but often can't orgasm in less and fantasizing about someone else. A past lover, someone in my life, an imagines lover, having sex with me instead. This isn't a shared fantasy or kinky game between my partners and me. Actually, I'm sure they be heard of thing new that. Generally, when I'm orgasming really hard, I'm fantasizing about another man. I'd like to be present and emotionally available to my partner while enjoying sexual intimacy

together, but there's clearly some block that I can't figure out. Help. All right, Jesse. Well, let me tell you this. It is really, really common to have fantasies about someone else. In fact, in the study conducted by the Journal of Sex Research, 80% of women, 98% of men fantasize about someone other than their partner. What I'm hearing is, it sounds like a little bit of disassociation. If every single time you're with a partner, you have to fantasize about someone else. It means that you are disassociated from the situation with an intimacy, really.

You're being really intimate with a person that you are with. That's really challenging for you. It sounds like de-organism. So I feel like you are in a practice of getting close to orgasm, your whist, someone else, and your mind goes to, now I've got to fantasize about someone else. So it's going to take a little bit of rewiring and undoing that pattern. The best way for you to figure out how to be more connected to the partner you're with

is to actually engage with that partner in a way that will enhance intimacy. For example, it could be some dirty talk that you're exchanging back and forth during sex. It could be a little bit of role-playing, some dominant or some misive play, some BDSM, maybe just some light kinky bondage where you tie you up or blindfold you. What I'm saying here is that when you are actually engaged in activity with the person you're having sex with, you're more likely to be present and focused on that partner. And so your mind doesn't have time to wander into the past and to think about somebody else.

When you're truly feeling intimate and connected and the things that I love about acting out fantasies with partners and role-playing and why I talk about this stuff so much is because it's a way to ground you in the present moment and to feel again, feel connected with the person you're with. So that's what I recommend for you is having some conversations with your lovers before you have sex and just letting them know what you're into and then it might be fun to play with some other scenarios because I think you'll find that when you are engaged in some fun play in the moment, you won't have as much time to go to your habits of the past. Okay, so let me know how it goes, Jesse. Thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemle.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739.

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