Sex With Emily - When Sex Feels Like a Chore: Reclaiming Pleasure and Connection

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

In this episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, Dr. Emily teams up with Dr. Scott Lyons, a licensed holistic psychologist and trauma expert, to tackle one of the most common relationship challenges: when sex starts feeling like just another item on your to-do list. From exploring why intimacy can lose its spark to practical strategies for reigniting desire, this conversation gets to the heart of what happens when pleasure becomes obligation. We dive deep into the psychology behind sexual disconnection, examining how stress, routine, and unspoken resentments can transform what should be joyful into something that feels burdensome. Dr. Scott shares insights on nervous system regulation and how our bodies respond when we're overwhelmed, while Dr. Emily offers practical advice on communication, scheduling intimacy, and the importance of prioritizing pleasure throughout the week—not just in the bedroom. This episode addresses the reality that many couples face: mismatched libidos, the pressure to perform, and the challenge of maintaining sexual connection amid life's demands. We explore how to shift from duty-based sex to desire-driven intimacy, the role of variety and spontaneity in long-term relationships, and why "priming for pleasure" throughout the week is essential for a fulfilling sex life. Show Notes: 00:00:00 - When Sex Becomes a Chore 03:00:00 - The Psychology of Sexual Obligation06:41:00 - Mismatched Libidos and Relationship Dynamics 08:26:00 - Breaking the Routine: Adding Variety and Play 11:07:00 - Communication vs. Avoidance in Sexual Relationships 15:38:00 - Priming for Pleasure Throughout the Week 18:06:00 - Scheduling Sex: Intentional vs. Spontaneous Intimacy 23:10:00 - From Duty to Desire: Practical Strategies 28:14:00 - Building Anticipation and Connection 30:04:00 - Redefining Sexual Success and Satisfaction Whether you're feeling disconnected from your partner or just want to prevent sex from becoming routine, this episode offers compassionate guidance and actionable strategies for reclaiming the joy and connection that intimate relationships can provide. Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx  Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ Let's get social: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily Let's text: Sign up here https://sexwithemily.com/text

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Are you walking in nature? Are you getting a massage? Are you taking a class? What do you do that might be pleasurable for you? Yeah. And if we just leave, here's the other problem with sex. Oh, sex is supposed to be pleasurable. It has to be fun. But if our body has not been doing anything pleasurable,

are we, why should I be able just to be in my pleasure space the second you want sex or we want sex? So there's a priming for pleasure. Have you ever looked at your to-do list and felt like have sex was just another box to check? Like, somewhere between laundry and errands and work and stress, intimacy became an obligation. Well, you're not alone. In today's episode, we're talking about what happens when sex starts to feel like a chore

and what you can actually do about it. And I'm joined by someone who's not only a brilliant mind, but also a dear friend, Dr. Scott Lyons. He's a therapist, a trauma specialist, a somatic healer, and founder of the Embody Lab. It's an incredible space to reconnect with your body and your pleasure and your full aliveness. We explore the reasons why so many couples feel disconnected in bed, why desire gets replaced by resentment, and how to rebuild a sense of curiosity, turn-on, and emotional presence. Because the truth is, sex isn't supposed to feel like another task. And if it does, well, there's nothing wrong with you. But there's something worth unpacking. So if you've ever felt emotionally checked out during intimacy or wondered why your sex life

feels more routine than rewarding? Well, this conversation is for you. Let's get into it. Scott, imagine this. So many couples who have sex feel like it's another chore. It is an item on their to-do list and they are doing everything they can to avoid it. They resent it. It's not pleasurable anymore. They're literally looking and they're like, do laundry, pay taxes, have sex.

Like that's how it feels to them. It becomes a chore. And in fact, a Kinsey Institute study found that 52% of people in relationships say sex feels more routine than a desire. And 60% of women report feeling emotionally checked out during intimacy at least once in the past year. And this totally tracks for me when sex is so fraught with not really understanding what

our partner wants, being turned on different times of days, not even knowing what sex feels like. And I know for a lot of women, sex doesn't even feel good in the first place. And then there's pressure to have sex because we imagine that everyone else is having more sex, more frequent sex, better sex. And so we're just like, all that pressure, it's a goddamn chore.

I'd rather vacuum. I mean, if it's got attachments to it, hell yeah. Attachments. No, but it's kind of makes you feel sad. I know, it's really, really sad. It bums me out hearing that. I know. It's a chore. And yeah.

Have you ever felt that way? Honestly? I have felt like it was my duty. Duty sex is a big one. Okay. You know, you hear these stories. I've heard these stories from friends and maybe this little bit old school or from like grandmother or friends, my mom's friends were like, oh, you know, like they would say, happy wife, happy life. And then these women are like duty sex, like just give them a blow job once a week, make them happy.

Or like you just do it to keep them happy. And so I just feel like that is a lot of women's attitude because, and I believe it's multi layered. First off, again, we've covered for a lot of women, sex never felt great in it's multi-layered. First off, again, we've covered for a lot of women's sex never felt great in the first place because they didn't really know what to ask for. Men are as familiar with women's anatomy, a lot of us are just performative and if it doesn't feel good, why would you want to keep doing it? At least with exercise you're like, I know

this might suck but afterwards I'll have endorphins, I'll have a, I'll have a dopamine. But if you're not having orgasms or pleasure and it feels like a duty, you just feel worse after. Have I felt that? Yeah, I've been in a relationship where he wanted sex, not only all the time, but that's fine, but it was always at times a day where I was just tired, not ready.

And that's why I talk about sex IQ, is like actually knowing when I had to be aroused and turned on. So I would say to them like, it's not gonna happen on a Monday night after 11. If I'm already in bed, I'm done with work. Like I know that like a morning might be better for me or after I've worked out, I feel much more in my body or if we go dancing or we have a great conversation,

sex is less likely to feel like a chore. I'll feel more desire then. But then the actual act, like some people might know that I have a glass of wine, I feel better. But when the actual act happens and you just feel like my partner never goes down on me, nothing about this is pleasurable. I'm just doing it so my partner won't sleep with someone else.

That's all the ways it feels like a chore. And in most relationships, there is a desire discrepancy. There's always someone with a higher libido and a lower libido. Let's just normalize that right now. Somebody's going to want it more. Somebody's going to want it less. You're going to have to negotiate that and figure out what that looks like. And it's totally doable, but most couples just sort of either feel bad that they're the higher. I know a lot of people are like, I want it all the time. I feel guilt. And the ones who don't want it all the time. I feel guilt. And the ones who don't want it feel guilt.

So just saying, it's OK. Let's just figure out when it is right for you, when the turn-ons can happen, what you can do to make it feel less like a chore and more like pleasure. I really appreciated you talking about exercise. Because I think for, I don't know, at least me and probably a bunch of us, exercise does feel like a chore. I'm like, oh, I gotta put in my calendar, I gotta do this. I know it has benefits.

And I do feel better afterwards. Always, right? Especially if it's interesting about timing, especially if it's in the morning. Yeah. Especially if I work out in the morning. In the afternoon, I don't feel as great. There's something about when you said that

and compared it to sex, I was like, okay, I have things in my life that feel like a chore, and what are the ways that I make it work? What are the ways that I make it more interesting? Like, I find that when I work out with someone, I get more pleasure from the chore of exercise. Right, because you're also getting companionship. Yeah. You're also getting connection. Yeah. It's not just about you pumping the chore of exercise. Right, because you also get companionship. Yeah.

You're also getting connection. Yeah. It's not just about you pumping the air. Yeah. And so how would you imagine if someone's feeling or you felt duty or chore in relation to sex, how do we start to, well first of all, what's the opposite of chore?

I mean, opposite of chore? I mean, opposite of chores like pleasure, release, excitement, joy, activities. Do you like spontaneity? Spontaneity. Yeah. Do you know the things that couples, relaxation, happiness, peace, fun,

the opposite of it is like something that you look forward to, I suppose, that you know is like nourishing, that's nourishing for your soul. So when I was in that, I've learned that these are the requirements for me to be aroused and ready for sex. And I would very clearly explain those to my partner. I would say what didn't work,

it doesn't work when you're drunk and come home at two in the morning. No, it's not high. And I'm sleeping. Like, no. No, fuck it. It doesn't work when I'm already in bed and I'm tired. Usually I'm not gonna get going again. When it does work is when I've gotten my nervous system calm, I've done what I need to do that day.

Like, I worked out, I took a bath, I put my favorite lotion on, I wore something that made me feel sexy. I really like intentionally prepared myself for what I know is a requirement for me to feel better about sex. I had to learn that. We all have this self-knowledge. You learned you want to have a companion and do it in the morning for working out.

I know it's like- Also for sex. I'm for sex. You morning anal, which well. I've learned that I have to work out in the morning too. If I wait till night, it doesn't often happen unless it's yoga. But with sex, it's like, okay, so a few things.

There's the knowing what elements have to come into place for me to feel desire and for me to feel connected. So like working out, having eaten well. But there's also the like, if I'm holding onto resentments, I haven't had a great conversation with my partner in a month. It's really been bothering me since last night you did this thing.

I can't have sex with you now in good faith just to let it go. I still need to have that conversation with you, do some repair from this little rupture, and then I might feel more aroused. So a lot of times there's the resentments that build up and they just kind of block your desire. So it really was a case by case basis. But another thing that really helps is the variety,

the spontaneity, the newness. This is what we crave so much in long-term relationships because it just means like, okay, should we roll over? Should we do it? Should we get it over with? But like doing this stuff like sensory touch, lighting a candle, giving each other massages, learning a new skill together.

Even saying we're gonna take a pottery class once a month and we were both beginners. Even that can spark the same kind of dopamine and connection that couples feel like, oh we're connected, let's go home now and have sex because we're in a creative mindset. Yeah. Because creative energy and sexual energy come from the same place. So the newness could be we tried something new, even if it was a new restaurant in our town or it was a new, you know, walked through our town that we haven't done before,

we saw new music or like, I think the beginner's mind really can help us feel that more like fertile ground for really wanting some sexy time. Yeah. Where does like chore, like where it feels like a chore and boredom around sex, where do they overlap? I think that there's a heavy overlap. I think it usually, I think that sex feels like a chore when one, maybe it's just

become really boring. You're like, it's so boring, I know exactly what's gonna happen here, you're gonna take off my clothes, you're gonna go down to me, if I'm lucky for 3.2 seconds and you're gonna stick your dick inside me, then we're gonna have sex, you're gonna hump away like a, you're gonna go down on me, if I'm lucky for 3.2 seconds, then you're gonna stick your dick inside me, then we're gonna have sex, you're gonna hump away like a jackhammer, it's gonna be over, we're gonna order dinner. That's when it's boring and there's no arousal. But there's also the part where it's like,

and on top of that, when that happens, I'm also not having the pleasure I need, I didn't get kissed on my neck, you didn't really slow it down, my toys weren't charged. The sheets weren't clean. There's all these other things that could go into that, but I think into making it less boring because again, I'm going to say in most relationships, it gets rote, it gets routine. I think that's because like, you know with health and like your workout routine,

you know that you have to, what is it, like cross train or you have to mix it up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it called? Like so your muscles don't atrophy to like. Yeah, just switching on. Switch it up. But with sex, if you're doing literally like two positions every single time, it's not that interesting anymore. And it's something that's supposed to give us this great release of this great connection. But when you add just a little bit of something, something variety to the mix, it could make a huge world of difference.

It could be a little tiny change, a little bit of sliver of variety, and it could make you feel more connected, less like a chore, right? Just like one little nail scratch or something different sensorily. Yeah, sensorily, like lighting a new massage candle, using a new lube, using a new toy makes it exciting.

And the buildup, like another thing that's missing, if there's no buildup towards the sex, like you haven't really talked about it. Like I love when couples schedule sex. If they found out that like a Saturday night is perfect because they've got a babysitter, the house is empty, their nervous systems are more relaxed, they could start saying, like, what should we do Saturday night? Well, we got that new toy, or we got those new little bondage

tape thing we can play with, or I want to see you in that hot little panties. I want to see in your knee-high boots, Scott. Then you both are preparing for this erotic night. Yeah. And I think that we just, like, we would do that for a date night. We would do that for a meal.

We'd plan the meal. We'd plan date night. We would do that for a meal. We'd plan the meal. We'd plan the vacation. We'd plan the even date night. We're going to get dinner first. Then we're going to go to a movie. But with sex it's like, let's just hopefully it's going to be interesting, but let's just get it over with so we can get the other stuff. Right. Yeah. Because again, it wasn't pleasurable when it becomes checking a box and doing duty. That is a disconnect from our pleasure.

But it just becomes this thing because we are not intentional about our sex because of the shame, because of the stress around it, because we're afraid to tell our partner. I know for a lot of us, we don't wanna tell our partner because we don't wanna bust their egos. We don't wanna make them feel bad. Or for many of us, we don't even really know what we want Yeah, I know that we can mix it up

I mean, it's it's also interesting of like, you know Like when I'm feeling or I know when you're feeling like overworked, right and that work-life balance Gets way off kilter like in those moments. I'm like I feel guilty about sex because I should be working Right and tops, the toxic productivity culture. If you fucking take time off for work, if you take time off for work to have sex, it's not okay. Even though I'm more productive at work or after if you know what I mean. After a little release. But seriously, it's like I have these moments of like well I should just be getting those emails done.

And like, if I can get those emails done, then I'll feel better. It's like going to the gym. It's not unsimilar. It's like, you know, it's, it's, we get out of the things that make us potentially feel better because we're, we're putting, like, we're prioritizing something that stressful in our life and trying to relieve that stress. As opposed to finding other alternatives. Exactly, finding that there's little drops of pleasure.

That's why I always, my mission statement is to get people to prioritize their pleasure. Yeah. Really means, and I'm not even just talking about sex, what are you doing in your life? This week, right now, if you look at your calendar, what are you doing that's just for you? Are you making dinner?

Are you going out with friends? Are you walking in nature? Are you getting a massage? Are you taking a class? Like, what do you do that might be pleasurable for you? And if we just leave, here's the other problem with sex. Oh, sex is supposed to be pleasurable. It has to be fun.

But if our body has not been doing anything pleasurable our week, why should I be able just to be in my pleasure space the second you want sex or we want sex? So there's a priming for pleasure throughout the week. I love that, I love that. Yeah. That like little droplets of pleasure throughout the week.

Yeah. Like just creates more pleasure when you do have things. Like, and obviously when you do take time off from those emails or work or babies like attending to your kids or whomever or whatever to actually like enjoy yourself. Mind's work because when you plant those seeds of feel good actions throughout the week, it's gonna allow your body to be totally primed and ready. I really, really love this because I also think that it's so easy to interpret this

sense of boredom or chore to the fact that like an issue between the couple, right? As opposed to more of a maybe a cultural issue around dipping into pleasure throughout the week and that just allows for that sacred space of sexual intimacy to actually be like a space where it's once again okay to take time off of work or invest in each other or deepen in connection through intimacy. Exactly, couples don't prioritize their relationships. They don't probably, maybe you work on this with couples, but like you're probably like prioritize date night or conversations, but the sex part is a whole other part

that sometimes is sort of still shrouded in mystery. Like, I guess that makes sense, but how do we actually do that? Cause we've never really talked about it or we don't know what we want. But couples let their relationships go first when they have kids and work and other stressors. A lot of couples do.

It's interesting cause I, speaking of couples, I was working with a couple maybe a few months ago, and I brought to them their attention to something you told me once in a lecture, which was like, it's okay to also plan sex. It's okay to schedule it. And I remember the guy in the relationship going, no, absolutely not.

If you're planning sex, it means it's a chore and I don't wanna be someone's chore. And I was like, okay then, let's unpack this. And yet I do agree, like having a schedule, I mean spontaneous yes, but also scheduling it in in the same way you would schedule a gym appointment in because it's good for you. Right, exactly.

Or a massage. And if I didn't plan my gym, I wouldn't go. I plan it and I know if I don't go, I get a late fee. Or my trainer's coming. Yeah. Like we all need accountability. Yeah. So but if you and your partner are working on it together,

it doesn't become this like, oh, I had to schedule it. It's because that person still believes that sex should be spontaneous, that we should be struck by spontaneous arousal at all times. I should see my partner across the room and wanna rip their clothes off at all time and I should just be ready to go. That is not the case for the majority of couples.

If it feels like a chore to have sex, well, what other things can you put in that sacred time? That special time. Connection, what do you think? I'm thinking like, I feel like a pre-sex ritual. Oh yeah. Where you're like looking into each other's eyes, you're breathing together, you're making sure

the room's set up, you're making sure you've, like what's your attention for this session? I mean, I think this is a very like LA thing to do. Very LA. But I don't, what else could we do to get couples to realize that it's a sacred time for them to connect? Sex has become so lights out, get it over with. Well yeah.

With the opposite of that. I mean, is this whole like phenomenon of like urgency cultures, we're not pausing enough to feel alive again in the world, period. So like what, it goes back to what is the intention of sex in your relationship. If it is not about, you're like, oh yeah, we know each other well, so that's it.

We're not going deeper into our bond, then of course it's a chore, because it loses its intentionality. Like what's the intention of sex for you? I mean, for me, it's connection, it's pleasure, it's all those feel-good hormones, like it's like the dopamine, the oxytocin, the cradle hormone, it's all of it.

It's mostly connection and touch. We require touch, we need to be touched. And I think it's all of that. It's just like a coming together, but not really. Yeah, so if it's just movements, if it's just choreography that we're saying during that time, of course it's a chore. Like any dancer over a certain amount of time is gonna get sick of the same damn choreography.

Yeah. But the job of a good performer is to find the newness in that choreography too. Yes. However, that being said, if there isn't the clarity of intention, of course boredom sets in. Of course, like it becomes robotic.

Have you had couples create the intention? Is it a sheet? Is it a question? Is it like a- I think it's just saying like, what, like, all right. Why do we have sex? Why do we have sex? And like, if you asked me, I'm like,

I love losing calories during sex. I mean, like that's not my answer, but if that is your answer, fucking fine. Yeah, let's do it in rigorous sessions. Cool, let's do exercise based movement penetration together and that's our intention and like get clear about like, yeah, we are working out together. Or if like, I mean, same with you,

like my intention is sex is like, I just love these moments where it's like, I don't know, where you lose the edges as much and you just feel like this proximity and this closeness that you don't get during the day. Right. When you're, you know, and it's like, all right, well, that's what we're working towards in this time together. Yeah.

And to me, it's always meeting who this person is and who you are in that moment, so it's fresh, it's new. It's like Buddhism in interaction. Yeah, it is, it is. It could be like a sacred It's the fucking power now and stuff. Compassion and gratitude for our partner and feeling like it's almost like reverence

for our partner's body. Yes, yes. And their reverence for us. You're turning me on. Like we all wanna feel revered, we all wanna be like, you are so hot, your body's beautiful, I partner's body. Yes. And their reverence for us. You're turning me on. Like we all wanna feel revered. We all wanna be like, you are so hot. Your body's beautiful. I love your body. I wanna please it.

And then it's reverence back to your partner. So if it feels much more connected, like your body's sacred, my body's sacred. Yeah. What another way to elevate it. Oh my God, if you didn't just get turned on by that. I did. This person's like, holy shit.

Oh my body would be revered. I'm a God, yes. Yes. I mean, just listening to you and you getting into that state of being revered and revering and like, oh yes, you want to rub my feet? Yeah. You really want me to. You feel like this has been a- I had a couple that I was working with, maybe last year, and the woman said to me, we were talking about sex, and I actually brought up that question about like, what's your intention around sex? She's like, to relieve stress. Like I like, full answer to this,

I like to use my husband as like, as a stress release tool. And oh yeah, I was doing a training. Sorry, it wasn't during a couple of sessions, it was during a training on stress that I was teaching. And she, I was like, okay, well, what happens when you don't have stress? Which is a really interesting. And she was like, oh, then we don't have sex.

And I was like, okay, so how do we perhaps expand the intentions beyond just one? Because I also think- It's not a connected experience. She's getting off her stress- She's getting her stress-release, and he's getting off, and he's not mad about it. She's getting off her stress. She's getting her stress released and he's getting off and he's not mad about it. It's really common too for men too

to have a stress relief during sex. It's from orgasm after orgasm. Starting sex with Emily was one of the most empowering things I've ever done. But building the business side of it, that was honestly overwhelming. I had to learn everything myself. From branding to logistics to growing an audience.

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Tell me more. She actually, I remember now she told me she came back and she was like, well, we had sex and it wasn't about my stress release. And I cried and it was so intimate and vulnerable, and I haven't experienced that in a while because I was using him to release and shake basically my stress out. Yeah, yeah.

And then when you feel more connected to sex, which I think is the goal, or maybe what a lot of people are missing, it can't possibly feel like a chore because then it's more of you're connected. Driver. It's a driver and it's the two of you are in it together. I think something like that, which is common,

the whole chore, when it feels like you are not in it together, you're like, we're both gonna go through the motions, which is so common. So what the plea here is the invitation here is for couples to find ways to make sex feel more collaborative, which is my fifth pillar of sexual intelligence, sex IQ, which we talk a lot about

in my membership, Smart SX, if anyone wants to get some sex coaching around sex IQ, is that the collaboration piece is so big because I found that usually there's one person in the relationship who's like, the one who's's like trying to improve the sex life, but let's make it better, more connected. And there's one who's like, we're fine. We're good.

But you really need to to tango in this case. Yeah. I would say if one person is saying we're fine, we're good, then you're not listening. That person might be good or satisfied or have enough, but like your partner's not. And it's not that you have to change your behavior or your action, but what happens if you listen? What happens if you get curious? What happens if you say like,

when you say like you want more, what is that look like? What does that feel like? What's part of that? What's here for you? Tell me about your inner world when you say you want more sex. Yeah, when we get clear and curious.

Yeah. Love that. Compassion, curiosity, clarity. See you later, chore. Bye. Bye. You know what else feels like a chore? What? Dating. Yeah. You're really good at it. No, no, it's felt like a chore.

Like I've realized I'm good at inviting people to cuddle and read next to me while I work and call that dating. But apparently that's not dating. Is that foreplay? Well, you know, I'm like, hey. Bring your laptop fully charged. Bring your laptop fully charged on over. And you know, parallel read with me.

Yeah. But yeah, no, it does feel like a chore because it's like you have to leave your house. Yeah. You have to leave your house. But also like that whole, I think where I'm at now is that it's not that it's a chore, it's that I don't, it's the kind of thing where I feel like I'm always open to date, to meet, but to feel like I have to be intentional and I have to like join it up or tell everyone

I know I'm sick. I'm having a very full life right now. And maybe there's also that pressure like, why aren't you dating? Or I should be wanting to be dating right now. Okay, okay, well let's reverse this. What for both of us would make dating feel less like a chore? I think probably if I was going out more to meet people that I might be open to dating. Okay, so like going to places that are exciting

or events that are exciting. Right. That like where like-minded people might be. Yeah, okay. So it's more natural like it's always been. I've never been an app person. No, okay. Well, I get fixed up a lot. You do get fixed up. I try all the time. Yep. Yeah, you try all the time Yeah, I try to fit and I don't I try to fix you all the time. I have women which is fine. Yeah, well, whatever I have. With women, which is fine, but. Yeah, well, whatever. But I think the more, we have to go back in time, where before we had dating apps, before we, anything, people would have to like walk up to you at the bar,

on the street when you're waiting in line for coffee, and they would have to approach you and talk to you. And it was happening more regularly, more frequently. You'd be going to parties. I think we're just less social. People would fix you up. that was it, matchmaking. That was how it happened and now it's just like, you gotta do the apps, you gotta, no one's approaching you.

So I think it's become harder and then there's guilt that you should be doing it and I just would love life to be a big dating pleasure pool. You are having a pool party on something. I'm having a pool party. I also noticed my shirt opened up. I saw that too. I thought that was on purpose. No, no. I was just cleaving for everyone trying to get the... Your body looks good. Trying to get the followers. So do you think you'll meet someone at the pool party on Sunday? Well you tell me. Well most people are gay. So yeah, I think you'll meet someone. I think we should put it on Craigslist, the pool party and- Craigslist?

Craigslist. Craigslist. Speaking of Craigs, I did meet, well- That's not his real name. No, but I did again, but then the people I meet, we went to the Dead Show. We went to the Dead Show. And there was a guy that was kind of cute,

came up, was talking, talking to us. He was sort of dig into me, the whole thing, which was kind of nice, flirty energy. but then, da da da, red flag, he's drinking, he's like, oh yeah, I used to be sober but not anymore. And I was like, I am done with the alcoholics, I've done this before, I'm not, yeah, you wanna fall off the wagon onto me?

See, this is where my red flag couture goes like, wait, you told me your red flag up front? That's so hot. You have such great communication style. Self-awareness. Let's get married. Where I actually appreciate that you're like, wait, they demonstrated and clarified their red flag.

And you're like, and no thank you. No thank you. But yeah, in the past I've been like, oh, but it's just fun, we could just sleep together. I was like, I'm not dealing with your addiction to whatever it is. So yeah, it was clear, but you're right, sometimes that's the thing with red flags,

we tend to turn them green or yellow. Or just magnetize them, because they feel familiar. Right, that was one thing that was like, oh, and then I wonder the more self aware we are, the more work we do on this, is there's gonna be everyone who's gonna see it too clearly now? Cause we're so, I mean, I see my issues really clearly.

That's great. But I don't know. What are they? Oh gosh, I require strong executive functioning skills, a planner. A planner, you mean in someone else? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You like when someone has strong executive functions. Yeah. So you have some.

Just in one area. Just in one very funny area. But I think that I really don't. And if someone's like not really a planner, they're all over the place. It sounds silly, but like that's a life functioning skill. No more choreing. No more choreing sex.

No more choreing sex. Right. I know you've mentioned that you've had these experiences where it's like it became a chore, it became boring. Like did you get out of it? That's my- Yes, I always get out of it. You did.

Wait, did you have the relationship or did you get- How did you get out, stay in the relationship and get out of the chore? I wanted the sex better and the relationships for sure because that's sort of my jab. So how did you get out, stay in the relationship and get out of the chore? I made the sex better in the relationships for sure, because that's sort of my job. So how did you fix it? How did I fix it was variety, spot and 80, communication is the lubrication, doing all the things I did.

I'm saying you have to clear resentments and you have to clear out your shame and you have to feel good in your body and all these things. But if you just, the thing is like, you're just bored and it's a chore, but you're trying something new, because then your attention is focused on this new stimulant,

this new variety, this new thing. We've never flogged before, let's do it. We've never watched porn together, let's do it. Just something new rather than the same rote over and over and over again. Discovery is everything. When we talk about dopamine, we're really talking about discovery and the motivation.

Yes. Like even, you don't even have to actually do it to get the dopamine hit. This is what's really interesting. Tell me. You can talk about like, hey, Em, like what if we were to like flog each other the next time we see each other at Air 1?

At Air 1, I love it. Just the anticipation. We go to Air 1 and flog each other right now. Okay, I'm hungry. Okay. But just even talking about it already releases more dopamine than us actually doing it. This is why communication is a lubrication.

The more we talk about sex, it's going to make it less of a chore and more of like a fun thing we share. You're right. Yeah, we're sharing something, we're connecting, we're like building something together. Oh my God. Like flogging each other in a grocery store.

Flogging, waiting in line for buffalo cauliflower. Oh my God, buffalo cauliflower sounds so good. Let's do it baby, okay let's go. What if buffalo cauliflower was the antidote to choring sex? Oh my God, maybe. I mean, come on, anything there. That's it for today's episode.

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