Sex With Emily - When Sexual Preferences Become Deal Breakers

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Starting point is 00:01:10 Before you get married, before you go on your honeymoon, before you walk down the aisle with someone, find out if you have complimentary sex drives. If you want the same things, if you both have a growth mindset around sex, let's not find this out when it's too late. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm answering your most honest, messy, and sometimes mortifying questions. The ones you're too embarrassed to ask anyone else. We're navigating mismatched libidos, dealing with performance anxiety, and figuring out if your relationship is actually broken or just needs a tune-up.

Starting point is 00:01:51 We're covering boundaries, communication breakdowns, and those uncomfortable truths nobody wants to admit out loud. Whether you're questioning your own behavior or just need validation that you're not alone in this, buckle up because we're getting real. Let's dive in. This is from Sarah and she's 52 years old. Am I the asshole for rejecting my partner's advances in the middle of the night? I'm so excited for this one. I'm so excited. Hey, Dr. Emily, we're a married couple, both early 50s, together for 16 years. But, Am I the asshole because I don't spontaneously wake up in the middle of the night filled with desire for sex and ravage my husband? My husband's disappointed because I never wake up hoarding in the middle of the night.

Starting point is 00:02:35 He wakes up horny in the middle of night regularly. At times in the past, he's tried to touch me while I'm sleeping and I'm difficult to rouse and apparently in my sleep, I pushed him away. He feels rejected and refuses to initiate sex with me. I apologize for my behavior when I was asleep and unaware of what was happening. I asked him to make sure that I'm awake, and to start with a makeout session first before moving to general touching. He feels that once he touches me, I should wake up and be filled with sexual excitement and gratitude that I have a partner that is so turned on by me. He is filled with resentment about this issue and feels rejected. We have sex at least five times a week, mostly in the afternoon and we're home alone.

Starting point is 00:03:16 He'd before more sex and more during the night. I'm afraid that I can't meet his expectation. This makes me feel like a failure, and he feels underwent. desired. Should I set an alarm so I can initiate sex the middle of night? When to be honest, I'd rather be sleeping. I have difficult getting back to sleep after sex. And I'm willing, but not excited about making some sleep sacrifices. If that's what it takes for him to be a love, if that's what it takes for him to feel loved and desired. Thanks for your help. And I believe my husband will be happy to hear your opinions on this issue. Wow. That was a long one,

Starting point is 00:03:48 but that is a good one. Okay. So, wow. A lot to pack here. First off, let me remind you that men can wake up easier in the middle of night or they wake up more regularly in the middle night with erections because they get these nocturnal erections. That's why a lot of men wake up with erections in the morning because it's all about blood flow and getting erections. So he gets this notion and wants to wake up and have sex with you. And listen, I don't feel that you need to disrupt your sleep patterns and send an alarm in the middle of the night so you can allow your husband to feel wanted and desired.

Starting point is 00:04:29 And that just seems like this is going to be, you know, a long haul. And sleep is so important, especially what we're finding now about sleep and hydration and all these things. I think about sleep, hydration, exercise. But sleep is one of the main three things in our lives that we can control. Sleep hygiene is so important. And by you waking up in the middle of the night, that's going to disrupt everything. But what this is telling me is that your partner, your husband, wants to feel desired.

Starting point is 00:04:58 He wants to feel needed by you. He wants to feel you ravish him. And so I'm wondering if there's other things you could do to make him feel that way. I love that. Could you initiate sex other times of the day that's not the middle of the night? You said you're having sex five times a week, which side note, 16 years married. in your 50s, you're having sex in the middle of the day five times the week, and he wants to wake up in the middle of the night.

Starting point is 00:05:28 I just think that that's a lot. You guys are in a great place. You seem like you're a really healthy couple. But there's this one thing that he wants. So again, you could let him know that I'm not willing to sacrifice my sleep, but I would like to know what you're getting from that and how I can make you feel desired love and that know that I'm attracted to you in other ways. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Do you think, because they're already having sex, she said at least five times a week and he would prefer more sex and more during the night, do you think that sex for him is tied to his feelings of being seen? I mean, I think we can fill in the blank here. We know this. But I do feel like, again, not everything's gendered, but we hear this more from penis owners, right? Yeah, we hear more from penis owners that they, well, would they wake up in the middle night, they have erections, they're ready to go, definitely that part of it, where all the

Starting point is 00:06:20 owners, you know, we're like slow cookers, many of us. We need time to get aroused and turned on and it doesn't just strike us as much this spontaneous desire as it does. Think about it. Your penis is on the outside of your body. Maybe he brushed up against her in the middle of night. He went to the bathroom and came back and he touched her. He saw her. It's just easier for guys to get going. That's where I will say that gender definitely plays a role. Your body works differently. You probably require more touch, maybe more oral sex, maybe more verbal arousal. You already said you require more making out in the middle of the night. And maybe that would get you there. Like, I love how much you're willing to sort of try to be there for him in ways that just, you know,

Starting point is 00:06:59 are more difficult. Because I think like losing sleep is a non-negotiable. I think that too. I think that it's hard to get back to sleep. You got to get up and work. But again, understanding more about this strong desire he has for sex, could he pleasure himself in the middle of night? How would he feel about just masturbating next to you? Would you be okay if he did that? I just came up with a good idea. Oh, tell. What if you sent him like a video or something that he could watch in the middle of the night, like something where you're like, I am never going to be awake enough to want this,

Starting point is 00:07:29 but I know that you crave this and I want to be involved in that in a certain way. I love it. And you could even like film multiple things. So each time he has something new to see from you. Yeah. And it doesn't disrupt your sleep, but he feels seen and appreciated. It's like your own like personal like porn you can send him. Like a little video of maybe you touching yourself or you getting undressed or you doing

Starting point is 00:07:48 things that you think is hot talking dirty to him. He can put on his headphones in the middle night and watch that. It's like you're there, but you're not there. Yeah. I think there's just some creativity for a couple who's this active and this still really into each other. Let's find some workarounds. And that's a great idea. But I think also the notion that she feels like a failure and he feels undesired. Yeah. I'm also wondering if this is a theme or if this comes up in other parts of your relationship where you feel like you're not able to meet his needs or you feel like you're letting people down, or maybe not even just in him. Are there other places in your life where you feel like you can't do enough?

Starting point is 00:08:24 And does he feel like you don't want him, you don't desire him? Because a lot of times our sex challenges also show up in other areas. So I think that might be really fun to unpack, especially since you said you're both going to be listening to this together. And I want to make an offer that you guys could call in together and we could talk about it. So if you want us to really unpack this with you, I am certain, Erica, that if we get them on a call we do a little session with them that we could help them find a lot more ways to play that don't happen in the middle of the night.

Starting point is 00:08:54 Every couple gets to determine how often they want to have sex. And if five times a week for you is great for both of you, amazing. The one little red flag I'm seeing is that he's feeling a resentment towards you for something you did while you weren't even conscious. Like that seems very easily triggered to me. So I wonder if that need for so. much. I wonder, do you want sex five times a week? If so, amazing. But if not, I feel like you can't always be trying to just please your partner and serve their needs if you're already

Starting point is 00:09:28 serving them a lot. Exactly. Yeah. No, that's a really good note. He thinks that she should just wake up in the middle of the night and be grateful. And be grateful and ready to go is also points to me that he doesn't really have a clear understanding of female arousal and that he actually believes that she did this with other partners but isn't doing it with him. He's like looking for ways to feel rejected when that just feels like I'm already telling you that men are more likely to wake up in the middle of night desiring sex and I explain the reasons why. And so yeah, he's shitting her and making, you know, shitting all over. She should wake up. She should feel feel with excitement and gratitude. And it sounds like you

Starting point is 00:10:16 can let him know that you're super grateful for the connection you have. You love that he's turned on by you five times a week. So I do think there's something else going on here. That he's kind of pushing the envelope and saying like, and this is an area that you're not doing enough. And so that's why I'm just feeling like there's some other things going on in the relationships and unspoken things. And perhaps the frequent sex could be filling a void where there's other places of disconnect in the relationship. And so I'm wondering if this focus on the sex and the dynamic of him feeling like she should be grateful and her feeling like she's not doing enough is part of a larger relationship challenge that maybe they could get into. And that would

Starting point is 00:11:03 help heal the sex as well. He's got to somehow figure out that you still love him, you desire him, you want to be with him, but it's just not in this one area. So let's find other ways to play. Love that one. Thank you, Sarah. Not an asshole. Appreciate you, Sarah. This is from Hannah 37 in Kentucky. I'm other asshole for feeling done with a sexless marriage. Hey, Dr. Emily, my husband and I've been married for seven years now and we were dating long distance for a year. In the beginning, we relied mostly on phone sex, Skype, sex, and he was totally into it. When we got closer distance-wise, I noticed he had some issues being able to have sex. He wanted us. He wanted us. us to wait to move in together until after marriage, which I should have argued harder against.

Starting point is 00:11:49 It wasn't until her honeymoon where I did everything possible to turn him on, and we didn't have sex a single time that week. Then I got really worried. Now we have hardly had much sex at all in our marriage, and my sex life is insane. It always has been. I've talked to him about it over and over, and about a year and a half ago, I told him one last time how it was hurting me. Nothing changed. And over the last two years, I've been focusing on myself. I shamefully have had an affair and I'm falling in love with someone else. My husband's a good man and he's trying to fix things now that he found out, but I just don't even want that kind of connection with him anymore.

Starting point is 00:12:23 I spent the last two years numbing myself from it. Am I the asshole for feeling done? I know I'm an asshole for cheating. All right, a lot to unpack here. This is so interesting, Hannah. What I'm seeing is you've been married for seven years and even in the beginning on your honeymoon, he was withholding sex, he wasn't into sex, and it never really got better from there. So for seven years, you've been craving sex, you've been wanting him to want you.

Starting point is 00:12:54 It wasn't happening, even on the honeymoon. So you know, I always say, when there's challenges with your sex life, you got to look at how was it in the beginning. Can you go back to how it was? Has there been resentments? Has there been ruptures in the relationship that you can't quite repair? Well, it sounds like there's something going on with your husband's. sexually. Again, we don't know if it was earlier sexual experiences. Maybe he just got a low

Starting point is 00:13:15 sex drive and sex isn't his thing, but there has to be some communicating here around it and it might be too little too late right now. You let him know you wanted sex, you tried to turn him on. And I'm just wondering, what kind of things has he told you about his sex life? How much do you know about it? And when you do have sex, was it satisfying it at all? So it sounds like what I'm hearing is the frequency of sex and the kinds of sex and the satisfaction you were feeling and the connection you were feeling to him just hasn't been there all this time. And you've now met somebody else and now he's trying to come around, which is kind of classic. And so, you know, you're not the asshole. But if you actually think

Starting point is 00:13:59 this is a relationship, if he makes an effort and now he understands it, unfortunately sometimes we don't really get the message until it's dire. He feels like he's going to lose the relationship. So if you want to give it one more chance and stop seeing this other person and say, okay, now I've got my husband's attention and I love him and he's really going to try if you think you could go there and muster up the strength, I might say give another chance for a few months. But there's also, you know, what I'm hearing from you is that ship has sailed.

Starting point is 00:14:33 Seven years is a long time to be trying. So really this is where you have to decide. But sometimes we are done and we've moved farther past it and it's hard to get back. I'm curious. Does she say anything about their relationship in general? Nothing. Except for the fact that he wanted to wait until moving in together. She disagreed with that or she should have argued harder against it.

Starting point is 00:14:59 Yeah, like, why? But here's the other thing. I want to say, just let this. be a note to everybody, before you get married, before you go on your honeymoon, before you walk down the aisle with someone, find out if you have complimentary sex drives, if you want the same things, if you both have a growth mindset around sex, let's not find this out when it's too late. So, I mean, gosh, not having sex on the honeymoon and then him waiting until you move into that, it will be alarming. What else did you guys do on your honeymoon? You know,

Starting point is 00:15:32 And I'm wondering also, like, was there something, you know, I'm wondering if he grew up in an environment where sex wasn't celebrated, where he got some messaging around sex that it wasn't healthier, okay? I'm just wondering what else we know about your husband and his relationship to sex. Because it sounds like this had nothing to do with you. He came into your relationship with these ideas around sex. When he wants to wait for sex, what was he waiting for? and why. You know, but sometimes with our partners say things, we sometimes, especially when it comes to sex, we just accept it.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Like, okay, that's your belief around it. But we're also allowed to get curious and ask questions. Like, tell me more about, you know, your early messaging around sex. Tell me more about why it's important for you to wait or tell me more about what about our sex life do you like and what is interesting to you. I mean, if he says to you, I just don't think sex is important. I don't care if I have sex or not, you know, like let's find out more. But if he says that, then I think that that is grounds to you end of relationship, especially.

Starting point is 00:16:31 or just change the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe you could just be open. Yeah. But if he's serving you well as a partner, then there's no need to lose that, especially if he already doesn't really want sex. Exactly, yeah. You can outsource the sex.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Listen, there's a lot of people we're seeing showing up in different kinds of relationship these days. And what I love about this conversation is that, yeah, most people are going to choose monogamy, but some people might want it to look a little bit different. And you might be a candidate for looking a little bit different. And if you guys are in a really, you know, if he's your best friend, you've got a great relationship and other things are fabulous.

Starting point is 00:17:03 Exactly like Erica said, maybe you want to try another arrangement. But if you're done and done, it's too much time has passed, only you will know. But let us know how it goes. I don't think you're an asshole. But I do think that it's time for you to get some answers on this and to get clear rather than cheating, just either do a clean break or figure out a ways to reimagine your partnership as it exists today. Thanks, Hannah.

Starting point is 00:17:24 We appreciate you. No need to be an asshole. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors, so just stick around. I want to talk about something we don't usually think about when it comes to feeling good in our bodies or in the bedroom, at the gym, or just getting through the day. And that's cellular energy, because when your cells are tired, you feel tired, your mood, your stamina, your focus, even your desire. So much of that actually starts way deeper than we realize.

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Starting point is 00:20:21 S-W-E. Shopify.com slash S-W-E. This is from Taylor. She's 30. Am I the asshole for being upset when my partner doesn't want sex? Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have mismatched sex drives. She rarely wants or thinks about sex, but I think about it and want it pretty much all the time. Sometimes when she doesn't want sex and I do, I act upset and hurt, and then she has sex with me. even though she previously said she didn't want to. Then it makes me feel like a sleazy guy who begs his girlfriend have sex with him.

Starting point is 00:20:56 I feel gross. But I also feel like if I act like I don't care, then we would never have sex again. I'm so upset by the whole situation and I don't know what to do. This has got to be such a common situation, right? This is the most common situation. No matter what your gender or who you're dating, there are mismatched sex drives in every single relationship. And one of the scenarios we often see is that we get frustrated because if we're the partner

Starting point is 00:21:20 that is a high desire, we're asking for sex. We're asking for sex. And then our partner might reject us so we feel bad or they do it. And then we think, okay, they don't really want to do it. And then we're in our heads. And it sort of becomes this lose lose situation. But mismatch sex graves are common. The next thing is finding out when is sex good for her? What kind of sex does she want when you do have it? When you start having sex, is she into it? When you start having sex, does she have pleasure or she just look like she's going through the motions? Because maybe there's just still some work here she has to do by understanding how she wants to show up sexually and what she requires. I also understand the notion that, like, you want her to initiate. You want her to act like she wants it,

Starting point is 00:22:02 or at least you want her to be into it. So it really is important to find out, again, what is she into? What do you like? What kind of sex feels good to her? And maybe she has more to learn about sex. Maybe she hasn't had many partners or she hasn't done a lot of exploring. So maybe there's some mutual masturbation that could go on here where you're both masturbating and you're figuring out, what feels good to her. Has she been with many women? I don't know if this is a new relationship or if she's had this kind of relationship before. Rather than getting upset and hurt, I would do some talking and getting clear. I'm curious about this because I feel like this is a dynamic that happens a lot where you're almost guilting your partner into it. And it's kind of

Starting point is 00:22:40 this negative feedback loop where, oh, if I act upset, then my partner has sex with me. How can she disrupt that cycle and what are some new ways that she can encourage her partner to desire sex? more often. Yeah, you know, the best way to do that would be a conversation outside the bedroom using my three T's of communication, timing tone and turf, where the time is on your next date night. Just decide that you're going to say, you know what, let's talk about sex and your tone is open and not judgmental. It's like, let's just get curious about our sex life. I love our relationship. I love what we do have sex, but I don't want it to be like I'm begging you. And then I feel like if we don't have sex or I don't bring it up, then it's not going to happen.

Starting point is 00:23:19 but let's just talk more about, like, when it is the best time of day, what kind of sex do you like? What feels good to you? How do you like to be approached for sex? What could get you in the mood? If you're not sure, you guys can also check out my book Smart Sex, which I write all about understanding your mindset, what kind of place you need to be in to be in the mood for sex and how can you guys work together. So I don't, again, I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but it sounds like there's more information you need because also there's the notion that maybe she doesn't like sex. Maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience. with sex. Like, you just need to find out. And so I don't think there's a different approach here

Starting point is 00:23:52 because what she's already trying is being aloof and waiting for her to approach, which she's not doing, and then getting angry. And neither one of those are ideal. So just getting into the psychology of your partner, and maybe there's a reason why she doesn't want a lot. Maybe she's on a certain medication that could be impacting our libido. I cannot emphasize that enough that we have to understand that if our partners are the birth control pill, if throughout a certain SSRI or antidepressant, maybe that's the culprit. So she could talk to her doctor about what can she do to make sure that she still has a sex drive. Maybe she has some pain. We don't know. But I'm going to make an assumption here that maybe you haven't had these kind of clarifying conversations with your partner

Starting point is 00:24:29 where you can get more data and figure out what does it take. Because also, if she says to you, nope, I just don't care. I don't want to talk about it. I don't like sex. It's never been my thing. Then you have more information. And you could say, well, do I want to be with somebody that I have to convince them to have sex that's actually willing to have a life that isn't as sexual as I require it. But we won't know anything unless we talk about it. If you haven't read smart sex yet, one of the five pillars of sexual intelligence is collaboration. And I would say, if you have this conversation and your partner doesn't seem down for it, she's just like, this is the way I am, I never want sex, then you're not fulfilling that pillar of sex IQ. That just makes everything more

Starting point is 00:25:06 difficult. Yeah, it really does. We have to all have healthy conversations about sex, which is also another skill set. It's almost like the skill set of learning how to communicate about sex is just as important as skill sets of learning how to how to actually perform in the bedroom, although we don't want you to perform. We want you to be present and do the things that make you feel good and move your body in certain ways. But again, we've got to talk about it too. So try that on for size this year. Start talking about it and see what kind of information you get. And remember it's out of one-time conversation. All right. Thanks for your question, Taylor. You're not an asshole. I just look forward to you getting some clarity with your girlfriend and seeing what kind of

Starting point is 00:25:41 sex lives you both want to have, and then you can create it together. This is from Sid. He's 42 years old. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm 42 years old and my libido is not what it used to be when I was in my 20s, obviously. It's extremely hard, put intended, to get it up and have the desire for sex more often than once a week. I just don't feel like I have the stamina needed for sex more often than once a week without the help of a prescription pill. When I don't have the stamina, I feel inadequate and insecure. And also, the pills have some annoying side effects from time to time that I don't always like dealing with. But my wife is an angel and deserves the best

Starting point is 00:26:15 of the best. Because I'm apparently such a decent person to her compared to her ex. Her libido is actually skyrocketed to unbelievable levels. Part of me feels like I owe it turn to have sex at least once a week, even if I need to use my pills to help me do that. Please help. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I want to make sure she stays happy and knows that she is valued and treasured. Oh, I love that. We love Sid. You're not. You're not. an asshole, Sid, you want to feel valued and treasured and show up for your wife, you know, at the frequency in which she desires you to show up. And so the first thing I want to say is that whenever I hear people say things like, part of me feels like I owe it to her of sex at least

Starting point is 00:26:58 twice a week. And so first, let's have a conversation with her and find out how often does she need sex. And when she wants it, what kind of sex does she want? She might be okay with oral sex. If she has a higher sex drive, she might just want to get off and feel connected. And so it might not be about penetration. It might be about connection, oral sex, using a toy. And so rather than, you know, feeling like you have to jump through all of these hoops and take a pill that really isn't working for you. Let's have a conversation and find out, you know, with this skyrocketing libido, you want to be a great lover tour, how many times we could be right, and then what kind of sex feels good? Again, let me remind you that for many Volvo owners, it's not all about penetration. Now, you are married

Starting point is 00:27:48 to her and you might know more than I know, obviously, but again, a conversation didn't clear on what she actually requires with this higher libido than you have. Would help you get some clarity. What are some side effects that might be stopping someone from taking pills? Well, you know, he might be getting headaches. He might be having an erection last longer than he likes. Might make him nauseous. Indigestion. You might be dizzy, back pain.

Starting point is 00:28:13 None of those things are fun. Blurred vision. And if that is the case, you could also talk to your doctor about finding some other solutions. There are other pills out there. There's other things that you could take if this one doesn't work for you. Just because it works for other people, doesn't mean it might work for you. But I get it. You could take half the pill.

Starting point is 00:28:29 Maybe you could take it certain times a day or make sure that you've eaten something. So there's ways to mitigate that. This goes for any medication we take. Rather than going off of something cold turkey, although this is an as-needed kind of pill, always talk to your doctor about what else you can do for this. If you heard our sex in the news episode, how often should you be having sex? The average number of times couples had sex per week was one and a half. And so maybe that half time could be you going down on her, you pleasing her.

Starting point is 00:28:55 You don't have to worry about taking Viagra or worry about your performance at all. But if she is a high libido, you can still make her feel a lot of pleasure and satisfy that. Absolutely. Get out of your head. Start talking to her about it and get some information so you can both show up for each other the way you want to. And I don't think you're an asshole. Not an asshole, Sid. This is from Lucy.

Starting point is 00:29:16 She's 38 years old. And she wants to know, am I the asshole for wanting oral sex every time, not just on special occasions? Hey ladies, I love the show and all things sex. I recently started seeing a new guy. We haven't had penetrative sex yet. He's all things I want in a relationship, except we were talking about oral sex the other night. I'd given him a BJ, which he wasn't expecting or anticipating.

Starting point is 00:29:43 I do it just as much for me as for him. He then said that oral sex is only as a treat, otherwise it gets taken for granted. For me, oral, both giving and receiving, is a huge part of sex, intimacy, and connection. Am I the asshole to think this is really narrow-minded? And how can I say it without seeming demanding? That's one big thing that I really enjoy.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Am I the asshole in being selfish about this? No, you're not the asshole at all. In fact, what I love is that you're already having conversations about sex before you even had penetrative sex. And listen, you're so not alone here. In fact, not only you're not the asshole, but you are the norm. I'd say many people prefer oral sex as a warm up to penetration. And yeah, you might want it every single time. Now, it doesn't have to meet it's to completion every time.

Starting point is 00:30:36 We don't all have so much time every single time to give a blowjob and then go down on her and then have penetrative sex. But for many people, it gets us going. It's the first stop. So I just think it's interesting that he's looking at oral sex as a treat. And I'm wondering where that comes from? Why only treat? And is he talking about receiving and giving? It's kind of what it sounds like, which is surprising to me. It's always surprising to us when there's, well, first, what we've been told and what we've learned is that men want blow jobs all the time. They would take it, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They would do that in lieu of food. And so I think whenever we hear a guy doesn't want it all the time or he only wants on special occasions, we pause, which by the way,

Starting point is 00:31:21 all of these gender norm things are truly outdated. And I think that there are, just as we see here, there's just as many vulvas who want oral sex, even sometimes more than men. So I think that this just comes down to having another conversation with him and getting a little bit clearer on like, so tell me more about oral sex as a treat. Would you be down that it's something that I would require a lot more often?

Starting point is 00:31:41 And, you know, again, just because he said this, doesn't mean that with the right partner he'd be willing to examine his views. I know. I wonder where this message came from. Because receiving it, I feel like that's something that women are kind of taught to do and men are kind of taught to expect. So for him to say, it's only a tree, I don't want to even receive it. That's the anomaly right there that he's saying, I don't really want it, need it every time, and it's just a treat. I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't love receiving oral sex as much as he enjoys penetration. Yeah. That's part of it. And that is true. We have heard this from men who say, you know what, I just,

Starting point is 00:32:22 I don't love it. I know it's supposed to be everything, but for me, it's not. And this is why we have to be so careful and remember that we all get to decide what kind of sex feels good to us. And just because we've heard that we should love it and we don't love it, maybe that's his thing. So I would find out more about his oral sex preferences. Just because he's not into it, it doesn't mean that you have to change your views on oral sex. If you want it every time, you can let him know that it's a big part of your arousal. It gets you going. Maybe you just need it for a few minutes. Maybe there's other things you would want too if this is your guy. And again, it sounds like it's early on. You haven't penetrative sex yet. But sounds like you require clitoral

Starting point is 00:32:58 stimulation before you want penetration, which is very common. And so if he's not willing to provide oral sex every time, is there something else you might need? You maybe use a toy, use fingers, but you can just let them know that you're going to need some revving up every time. And let's figure out what it looks like for both of us. If he doesn't, that's more time for him to go down on you. I'm so fascinated by his idea that they'll take it for granted. Like, to me, that almost sounds like he is worried about the sex going stale. And if they start doing oral sex every time, then what more is there to do? But if you listen to the show, you know, there's literally endless things to try and add to your sex repertoire. But yeah, that's interesting to me.

Starting point is 00:33:43 That is a great point to say it's taken for granted. That reminds me of people who think you can only give compliments every once in a while because then your partner is going to take it for granted or if you always give to them, then they're going to expect it. And I would say that this is more about his belief system and his personality to be thinking that things are going to run out or people are going to take it for granted or have expectations. And what this makes me think is that in his previous relationships, something happened in it where he felt that there was expectations that he couldn't meet. And so he's got this philosophy around not doing too much or you take it for granted. Or there'll be expectations he can't meet. So I think there's

Starting point is 00:34:24 more here to unpack. And how we do one thing is how we do everything. How we believe certain things is how we look at other areas of our life. So there's something here about let's make this scars. I don't want you to have expectations for me. And I think this is indicative of other things that other ways that he feels. This is not good or bad. This is just something to look out for that he's thinking about sex in this way. Do you think that part of the reason he's scared of oral sex getting taken for granted is because he thinks he's only so good at oral sex. He has a cap of how good he is. And so the thing that keeps it hot and interesting is how scarce it is. That could be a point as well. A lot of us are concerned that we are not good at oral sex, that we're

Starting point is 00:35:05 not good at sex and we just want to do everything we can to avoid it, especially oral sex. We hear this from everyone, all genders, or like, what if I'm not great at it? And so he thinks the less he does it, he won't have to, A, face something that he's worried about and nervous about. And B, if he doesn't do that often, then it will be a treat or he'll seem better than he is. So there's something that's happened in his past around oral sex and some beliefs he has that we could only find out by having another conversation with him about it. And she could do it in a light way. You could say to him, like, let's talk more about that oral sex point. I found that interesting. For me, oral sex is a big part of my arousal. Tell me about your experience with

Starting point is 00:35:43 oral sex or what kind of oral sex are you into or what feels good to you. Because once we find out what our partner likes and what feels good to them orally or every other way, we can add that to our repertoire. Maybe he wants more suction. He wants to use a hand. He doesn't want a hand. Like we are all different. And then you get to tell him what you like orally. So I think you guys are still on a journey here to figuring out how you can both be great lovers to each other. And you're going to find out soon enough. Although, note here, if you're with somebody who has a scarcity mindset around oral sex, that could become a problem for somebody who loves oral sex and requires it. So you're finding things out early. True. Gathering data. You know, the first few months, year we're dating

Starting point is 00:36:24 somebody, we're just gathering information. We don't know yet. We're listening. We're paying attention. And we're figuring out, is this somebody I can be compatible with? And rather than just making assumptions too. You also get to have conversations about it. So what I'm hearing you say is oral sex might not be that important to you. It is important to me. What else can we do to learn together and you're not an asshole. You're actually somebody who's thoughtful and contemplative and you know, you want to get your needs met. No problem there. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And

Starting point is 00:37:10 hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Thank you.

Sex With Emily - When Sexual Preferences Become Deal Breakers

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