Sex With Emily - When You Touch Me Like This

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls, helping you through any sex or relationship question you may have. She talks about questions you should be asking your partners to ensure the best sex possible, lubes for even the most sensitive of skin, and how to put yourself out there and feel confident doing it. Plus, while sleepgasms are great – how you can get some while you’re awake. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, We-Vibe, DeoDoc Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex tips, tricks, & advice, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and doing what I love helping you through any sex or relationship question you may have. Topics include what you should be asking your partners to ensure the best sex possible. Loops for even the most sensitive of skin. Yeah, sleep gasms are great, but how do you get some while you're awake and how to put yourself out there and feel confident doing it? All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

What's your relationship with? You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemedy.com. You can easily subscribe to the podcast, check out our amazing blogs and posts. We have going on to help you have better sex. The other thing is, you guys, there are so many ways to listen to podcasts now. You can check it out and Spotify, Google Play, IHR radio, of

course iTunes, SoundCloud. There's a lot of different ways. What we love too is if you happen to be in iTunes or wherever you're listening to be honest, so great if you can review it. Just take a few seconds, give us five stars if you're into that and tie your friends too. Love it. You appreciate that so much. It really makes a difference to get the word out there. You can follow us everywhere at sex with Emily, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. And so do that. It's fun. And you guys, today is 9-11 and I just want to kind of mention that and, you know, I know a lot of people lost loved ones on that day and there's just, it was a really one of the saddest days I can remember in my lifetime being an American. And I was thinking I was actually

in New York a few weeks ago, and I was there just ahead to set a stop over there. And I realized that I saw the memorial for the first time. And they really built the spectacular memorial. I'd never been there where they rebuilt the World Trade Center and has all the names of everyone who died. And there's like these waterfalls. And it's really a beautiful memorial dedicated towards all the lives

that were lost. You never forget where you were when things happened. I was actually in New York on 9-11. I was staying at a friend's house in the village. And she, she was out of town. I was there with my boyfriend. And we just started hearing all these fire engines going. And it was like not in the morning.

And I was leaving that day to fly back to San Francisco, where I was living. And my friend called me in Chicago. And she said, I know you're staying at Jen's house. Turned on the news because I was still sleeping. Because I me in Chicago and she said, I know you're staying at Jen's house. You know, turn on the news because I was still sleeping because I think we were out late the night before. We saw it, we saw the towers go down, we went on the roof, we actually,

what we saw them going down and the planes flying to them and then we went on the roof and actually saw the towers fall like just not very far from where we were staying. I just got chills talking about this. And I just remember that day we ended up staying in New York for another week because we couldn't fly. And I just remembered just everyone coming together and helping everybody in like the environment in New York and just everywhere. We were really about supporting each other and

everyone kind of took a break from all their you know petting this and everything else we worried about and you realize just how how precious our lives are and how much we could really be there and however and everyone was just helping everybody. There was people walking up with like sit from the world trades. I like that the trains weren't running, you couldn't down the subway. And just it was really just a sad day for America and for the world. So I was thinking about that.

And so I'm, my heart goes out to people who this day also means something. I think to all of us it really does. It's a memory of appreciating every day that we have because literally like I've always heard like, you know, just live every day like it's your last, and think about the good things and being grateful. And I know it's hard when you're stuck in traffic

or someone pisses you off, but the truth is, all we really have is this present moment and the people in our lives and just, you know, also right now, what do you think about this after the show? Tell me, love them, why you appreciate them? These little words go a long way, and they make you feel better,

and they make everyone else feel better as well. So just wanted to mention that. And now we're going to some sex in the news. And I want to invite my deputy Jamie here. Hi, Jamie. Hello. Hello. Hello. Let's talk about this. Questions to ask your partner for the best sex possible. Okay, I really like this because this is a thing. I get a lot of press requests every week, meaning journalists contact us and they're like, can you, you know, can you quote, give you some quotes on this?

And we say yes to a lot of them. We spend a lot of time here answering press requests because I just, I really enjoy helping you guys. And I love doing it in writing form. I love talking about it, but this one was great because I, you know, I'm all about having better sex. And it was like, it was just, they talked to myself and a few other experts.

And so let me just break it down for you if you need some reminders. It has some interesting tactics in here. You might not have thought of because I think we all want to get to the point where we are just as satisfied as we can be. And our partner satisfied and we're all celebrating. Great sex.

Exactly. So the first thing I want to say is, and our partner satisfied, and we're all celebrating great sex. Exactly. So the first thing I want to say is, and this is that we all assume that sex should be amazing and magical every time we have it without saying a word. Like if you got to the point of talking about sex, you should probably just break up. Or there's a problem. Or why is it sex always amazing?

It should be all the time. And as you know, if you listen to the show, great sex takes work an excellent communication. And our partners are not mind readers, we're not mind readers, so the only way we're going to get to it is if we talk about it. So here's sample questions. They had to talk to myself and a few others, like I said, that could improve your sex side. You could talk to your partner, remember if you ask the questions, you also get to answer

the questions. And it's a great way to start the dialogue. So the first one, what turns you on? So that might seem super general, you know, but I think just saying, babe, what really turns you on the most? Well, not let you know what they like, but it can keep the conversation where you're like, well, you know, maybe you didn't know that they got turned on by watching fireworks. Well, you'll make sure that you make the fourth of July really special event.

That's a weird example, but you know what I'm saying? Or you didn't know that sunsets. You would make sunsets part of your thing or the way you whisper in the air. You know, what I think is actually interesting about this question is I do kind of feel like if you have like close friends, this may be something that you're like, so what is it turned on for you or something you talk about, but it's not necessary something you ask your own partner, which I find really interesting. Yeah, exactly. We don't think that, I don't know, we can because people don't want to talk about sex,

but this made me want to go home and like ask. Yeah, like what turns you on? What does anyone? I mean, obviously, hopefully your partner says you, but also other things. Right, exactly. Like, having to get specific, like, when was the time you remember being really turned on or what was it?

Or that's a good one. Okay, so how about this one? How do you like to be touched? So the reason why I like this is because, I don't know, personally, I've suffered a lot of bad touch, not because they were mean people or they were wrong. I just didn't know how to tell them when they're aggressive or when they're like,

not, you know, when they're aggressively touching me, like, I would have loved to tell them. And now I do obviously that I like soft, slow feather touches. I most likely not gonna, you know, maybe I want aggression sometimes, but I don't want, I don't know what other kind of like slapping or really aggressive, I don't know. Not during sex, but for being,

during sex they might be warmed up. Yeah, like don't go straight to like being super aggressive, like work your way there. Sometimes you don't even need it. I like aggressiveness, but that's why. Someone might be gentle with me and I'm like, no, be rougher. Right, exactly. Exactly, they might be like, well, I like how you touch

your most of time. Yeah, exactly, it opens up other things. So this doesn't have to just be for being turned on. I was thinking about the light feather touches. I was like, no, sometimes I would break this out and say, I like when you use your fingertips. I use your mouth to touch me. That feels great. But during sex, I like when you touch me this way.

So it kind of opened it up to a lot of different areas of sex. And also a great way to set boundaries. Like, I like when you touch big places. Like, I like when you touch big places, like I like when you touch me here, but when you touch my stomach, that really makes me uncomfortable. Like I have friends who like, they never want the stomach touch my friend in college ever.

She's like, I just can't stand it. Like, he gives me these tickles and these weird things. And then she'd have anxiety when she was with someone. It wasn't like she was about her body. Even like she really just, something about her made her uncomfortable. So it's a good time to like. Yeah, I think I'll wish.

Yeah. That's like a real thing because there are some people that just certain parts of our body, they're just like so unbelievably take a leash that like you might accidentally get kicked in the face or something. Right, exactly. Exactly, right. Let them know.

How much we touch, where do we touch? This could go elsewhere. Here's another way to put it. You guys another question. What can I do to make you feel good? So think about it. What if you, I mean, now I'm thinking, okay, Jamie, if I was your boyfriend and I said, what can I do to make you feel good?

Okay, this is good. So I would say I want you to compliment me more. You know, I want, especially, like before sex, you know, just throughout whenever, whenever you see me, I'm never gonna not want you to compliment me. So if you feel like you have a thought like, oh, she looks really good, tell me that. Right, stop that barrier, whatever's making you nuts,

so you look hot, tell me. Yeah, but also too, it's like during sex, like I need you to look, I need to feel when you look at me or when you're in the moment that you think I'm like the hottest thing in the world, because that's gonna make me feel amazing and get more into it. And it's just gonna be this giant back and forth

of being amazing and feeling amazing. Yeah, that's good. So now you can go home and have this conversation. I know. I should. So practice where you should.. So now you can go home and have this conversation. I know. I should. I'm just going to like go home and be like, hey babe, and just play this part. Yeah, it's a good thing.

I know really. Seriously, you should. Yeah, I like this too because I think, well, because what I like about this too, I will answer your question is that, because even what makes you feel good, when you set that thing up compliments, it doesn't have to just be about sex.

I feel really good when you're on time. It turns me out when you make plans for dinner, like that I'm not always thinking about where to go. Even though we're talking about sex, again, this could lead you down to path to know what makes you feel good. God, what makes me feel good, everything. The same thing, you know, I'm a huge compliment hoarder.

I love them, I love compliments. I love so touches, I like making out, I love massage. I mean, swear to God, like that makes me get, I think that massage is so underrated because maybe people, not underrated, but under-practiced. Because I think people think they need to have a massage table and all these lotions and potions and really just, it slows down your nervous system,

it reduces the anxiety, I just like, you know, that's what makes me feel good. Saying nice things to me, bringing me chocolate. Okay, what kind of touch do you not feel comfortable with? Now this is something that I'm trying to think right now, how I would answer that, but for some people, they might be like, you might ask this question too, because in your brain, you're like,

I do not like the way my partner touches me. So you're allowed to say, ask them a question that you actually want to answer yourself, because again, this goes both ways. So you could ask your partner and say, let's have some fun and talk about sex. What do you, what touch do you like and what aren't you comfortable with? I like if they don't really answer or they don't know, say, well, what don't you like? I'm trying to think what I don't like.

I don't think there's anything I, I feel like everything I like variety. So to me, what wouldn't I like? I mean, I guess you could say something like, you know, it doesn't really feel good to me when you can tell that like, I'm dry somewhere, but you keep going at it. So, grab some lube, like, that's the thing. Like, I feel, and I feel the same way,

like I've told my partner, I'm like, I feel like I don't jerk you off correctly if I don't have any lube. And he's just like, well, I can't even jerk myself off correctly if I don't have any loop. And he's just like, well, I can't even jerk myself off correctly if I don't have any loop. So I'm like, okay, because that's what I'm saying, you know how sometimes in the morning, and so I'm thinking, I'm like, I gotta have loop by me

so that way if I want, because I mean, he's getting nightstand in your new home. I am. Jamie's moving finally into her own place with some, and she's never at a nightstand. I legit want to buy you a nightstand. My dream is to live on every nightstand. For real, I'm always saying, I sit on the podcast, live on every nightstand is my dream. And I was like, Jamie, just put on your nightstand, won't you?

Like, I don't have a nightstand. It's true. I know what you will. I will. We can find you one. Disclaimer, apparently. That makes me think about when you go to bed just kidding. Yeah, it's apparently it's an adult thing to not have one side of your bed against the

wall. Yeah, that's true. You have to have two both sides accessible and so I will officially I guess become an adult once my new room. Exactly. My bed is not against the wall. You know what? This is going to be a whole grown up thing.

But this is what I was going to say. There's two things. Just thought me, this maybe think of James. The number one thing is, what kind of touch you not feel comfortable with your amount of me? Like, I don't like when my partner just grabs my, like even if I have pants on, like you want with some lube when he's touching your clitoris or going inside of you, I just really want to be grabbed.

Like, I don't want to be grabbed. Like I don't want to be grabbed. I don't want boobs to be grabbed. Like unless we're like naked and feeling around that I'm more into things, but I'm not warmed up and we're going and blind. And you just walk to my house. If you grab the grab of like grabbing my crotch or grab,

it just doesn't feel good. I don't like that. So that's a great thing. So first I was like, what don't I like? The other thing I just want to say about bedroom funcishway, which what you remind me of, is that there is a theory, and I actually believe this, that you want to set up your, if you're single, for example, and you want to set up your environment in a way that's open and attracting, you know, if you believe in manifestation, which I do, I believe

in thinking about what you want, and the universe can deliver that, or the, if it's in your consciousness, and you repeat it, it's going to happen, you tell people about it, it's your reality. But what about the bedroom? I remember hearing this years and years ago, it was like, if you're single and your room is, you know, a mess and you have like only and this room will really serious about it. You have like one lamp and one night's end, but the other side is against the wall or you've nothing there or one side of your bed filled with clothes or it's just your house, your home, and your

bedroom is not set up for two. Then how are you going to track that person in your life? So once you kind of set that up for somebody else to come in, if you've been dating and you want to welcome someone, not just like when they get there, you hope it's ready to go. It's more of a mindset. It's more of a philosophy. It's more way of living that like I'm open for love. I'm open to finding romance, I'm open to great sex. So having your bedroom be a place that is opening and inviting when you're looking for someone. And you should also keep it that way always. Are you dating someone? Yeah, I do too. I think it's a good point. Because I've had time, like, if I walk in my room and it's a mess, like when I'm working out, it's busy, I'm like,

this is not open. Like I'm, clearly I'm not open meeting someone even I say that I am. That's not the only, but you know, when your life is out of control and crazy. So I like that too. Okay. How do you like to masturbate? You know, I love this quote. That's actually my suggestion for the article asking your partner

how they masturbate might seem like it's awkward or private. But you guys know that finding out how they actually please themselves as a roadmap to their pleasure. You're going to know, oh, they cut their balls with one hand when they're touching themselves or she puts fingers inside it right, no idea. So understanding if they use a toy or they on their stomach or they on their back, you can find help or watch them. Good old fashioned mutual masturbation.

No, yeah, that makes it even more fun because you get to watch. And then you also, I mean, it's going to be hard not to touch yourself watching your partner touch themselves. Right. So, I don't know, it's just like a win-win. Yeah, it's a show and tell. You're leaning back, you're watching each other, and you're learning, and it's hot. So ask them how they like to masturbate.

I just assume, not do you, well, you can ask, do you masturbate, but I'm gonna assume that most people do, or they should. I hope so. Yeah. You know, I want you to. Okay, what's your hottest sexual fantasies? Even when you share your fantasies with a partner, you're really gonna understand their erotic desires, what they're thinking about, what they desire,

even if it's something they don't want in real life, obviously there's gonna answer things that they feel comfortable sharing with you. So like, what do you fantasize about? What's your hottest erotic movie we call it in my sex school? But like, what's the thing that plays through your head when you're fantasizing and you're thinking about sex? Like, what's happening?

And it's funny. I remember in my class, there's a lot of women. And a lot of women's fantasies were around, which isn't surprising, you know, being taken to keep a little elaborate fantasies. I wish that I fantasized like this, but they'd have. I remember one woman was like, I'm in the ground, and I'm part of Mother Earth. And there's all these hands on my body,

and they're like worshiping me. It's like, man, and women, and it's like they're in some kind of like garden, you know, like garden nymphs everywhere. Like she had this very elaborate thing. And then people were like touching her, and then obviously they'd orgasms and like they disappeared to the ground and became part of the earth.

Now, I don't have fancies like that, but I think that, yeah, talking about what turned you on. Yeah, that sounds like. I was impressed. That's very impressive. I know. I have another friend who, she's his fancies because I always ask my friends too.

I'm like, what do you fantasize about my friends? I'm like, oh my God, well, I have this fantasy that I'm going and she changes them all the time and she's like a clothing designer and she's very like a lover, she's an artist and she's like, well, she tells me what she's wearing. She's like, I'm going to like the New York match. She's in New York. She's like, I'm going to the met and I'm wearing this red dress that goes to the ground and I walk in and they hand me champagne. Like, she has this whole scenario about how she's going in and then she meets this guy. It's her husband I think or maybe it's kind of she actually brought her husband

into it. It's her husband walks in and he's wearing and what they're drinking and what they're doing. I'm like, wow, that's like a long fantasy. She's like, no, that's like two minutes and I get there like 30 seconds. She runs to the whole very elaborate scenario about what happens. So whether they're short or long or you just want to say you fantasize about a threesome? Yeah and then if you haven't really thought about any fantasies, you really haven't. It's kind of beneficial to take some time and really think about what it is that would turn you on. Kind of think of it like free writing. You know,

you just put the pen to the paper and just start writing. Just not even thinking about it. Try to do that with your fantasies and just see where your mind goes. You might be really surprised what you're into. Exactly. You don't in feed it things too,

because I didn't have, you know, I was late bloom when it comes to stuff, but I just didn't think about it. I think I was, you know, had a stressful environment growing up and I just, my brain just shut down to it, but I had to feed it. I had to like start watching Arradica and reading books and like getting into this world

where I was like, I'm going to feed myself. So you're not broken, nothing's wrong, we don't have any, so that's a great point, Jamie. Like, look for those fantasies because we all know that having a rich fantasy life is very important to having a healthy sex life. Okay, this one, I haven't seen this for years, and I think I'm gonna try this one actually,

because I'd like to know the answer from my guy, is what's been, I talk about it, but I haven't talked to him about it. What has been your favorite moment from our sex life? This one is maybe a lot easier for people who are like, oh my God, I can't, I don't wanna hear their fantasies, but saying like, babe, what's your most memorable night from our sex life?

A memorable moment in our relationship, sexually speaking, you know, what we're doing, where are we, if they're thinking like, oh, we know, I love having sex on the beach. And so they go, really, what was it about like having sex on the beach? Cause you're probably thinking like, let's go planification. But I feel like, oh, I love it when we almost got caught.

Well, then you know, oh, maybe they have fantasies about like having sex outdoors or they'd love that feeling almost got caught. Well, then you know, oh, maybe they have fantasies about having sex outdoors, or they'd love that feeling of getting caught. So they want it more outdoor sex, or they want it more like, I don't know, getting caught in the hotel room, who knows? But people have, I do know. But, okay.

No, that's like, this is a really good one because I know what my favorite sex moment from my partner currently, but I would be really curious to know what his was. I do too. I want to know. I'm definitely going to ask. I'll report back.

Please do. I think this is good, but because you get so many details, I think you'd learn so much because you might even remember their hottest moment, like what they think is the hottest moment. Right. And then what if it's the same moment and then you're like, well, why aren't we doing that? We should do that all the time, exactly. I find out a lot of information here.

So another one is what's something you've always fantasized about doing, but you've never tried. I like this one too, because this is an easier entry here, on here, if you don't wanna hear about fantasies, but just saying specifically, if these other ones seem more,

I don't know, intense for you, just like, what do you fantasize about that you'd like to try because then you don't need to you know If they're like oh, I want to I don't know I feel like I've done everything again have a threesome if you want to Pick up a stranger and a bar you want to have blindfolded sucks. You want to have sex? Like furries Suck in the balcony's fun. I've done the navigation. I love the game. You know, I love vacation sex. I talk about in the balcony. Just like furries. Sex in the balcony is fun. I've done that on vacation. I love vacation. I mean, I love vacation sex.

I talk about all the time. But it's true. A lot of my crazy things like sex in the balcony, sex outside, it's all on vacations. Because you don't, I mean, granted it's illegal. And we're having sex like, why are we like in the South somewhere in a beach? Just like in college, we're being on the balcony

and being like, oh my God, you need a coffee, kick us out. Yeah, and then I mean, if you have about, like, I was trying to think, I was like, I have a balcony, am I new apartment? Ooh, but I don't want to get kicked out of my new apartment. Right, maybe not day one, because it's facing the other tenants. It's facing the courtyard, however, we're gonna put it.

You have a balcony, so fancy, you definitely need a nightstand. And you even need a table that you could even sit on the balcony. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it should be illegal to have a balcony in no nightstand. Exactly. And again, yeah, I like that one because it's like more like, it's low stakes. Tangible. It's tangible. Here's the one.

What part of your body are you the most proud of? So this is cool, you guys, because if they're proud of it and they're feeling good about it, they probably would like some attention to it and maybe like to hear compliments. Like, I love your hands, they're really sexy. Or maybe like, I love the curves on your waist. Yeah, exactly.

What made you, like, so... Mm-hmm. Or, what if, you know, I'm like, hey, this is not how I actually feel. I really like my feet. You should rub them more or complement them more, kind of incorporate that into your... Yeah, it's a good way to get your needs met. Yeah.

Like let's say you've been wanting to have a massage or feet. You're like, I love my feet. That would be the good note to self. I've never actually looked at your feet. I never thought about what part of it but I'm like, proud of. This wasn't my quote here. Which, this wasn't my idea, but I like it. Like I think again, can you guys,

I'm cool with you being like, I like that one because God damn it, why does my partner ever touch my stomach? That really turns me on. It's a good memory, guys. It goes both ways. It's a great way to get both of your needs met. So it's okay to ask a question that you're dying to answer as well.

That's a great way. Ask a question that you want to let your partner know. Exactly. Because so many times when you ask something, they're gonna be like, well, what do you think? And then you get to answer it. Yeah, and you still should answer these two exactly. What do you think it goes back to?

And who knows you guys? You just ask one of these questions and it could just kind of be that explosive sexual conversation you've been dying to have. Okay, here's another one. If you could be totally selfish, what would a night of bliss look like to you? I like this too.

This is a great way to describe a fantasy or what you want. Because then you kind of get deeper into desires and layers and who knows? And they're birthday if you're thinking like, oh, I wanted to think special. Maybe you do this. I don't think things are really that crazy. Okay. I think I would think night of bliss. Keep thinking about it. Probably be in a hotel somewhere because you just have to worry, like a beautiful hotel, like a tub. I mean, this is very, like amazing sheets. Great food, massage, toys are all charged and ready to go, lots of loobs. Sounds amazing.

I know, massage. I went really long massages. I don't think we're a massage with my guy. I'm gonna tell him. Cause this is coming, every time we do the show, I'm like, oh yeah. I don't think I'm a massage with my guy. I'm gonna tell him. This is coming, every time we do the show, I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta do that. You guys, so I might know a lot of the stuff, but I'm human, I'm in a relationship.

What would a night of bliss look like to you? I mean, all of that sounded great. I would be totally down for that when just like a lot of oral sex. I'm like, like all the time, just like for hours. I mean, with some breaks in between the time, just like for hours. Right. I mean, with some breaks in between. Exactly.

For water and stuff. Yeah, in a nice hotel, in every inch of the hotel. So we haven't done oral there, then we're going to do it. We're going to make sure we, all the furniture, all the bathroom parts. Exactly. Furniture is bathing, and that's good. Because this is why you guys, you're going to know, again, you know, their desires, you know what they want, and you can even create some of it home like

maybe you don't have the tropical vacation if they mention that but I think a lot of us think about vacation so good because you're just that way you don't have your like not fans about anything in my house necessarily but outside of it so yeah of course a night of oral. That's another good way to hammer home your agenda you not been getting what you needed I think about you slowly, I'm trying to think of the questions people ask the most. Like, oh, my native list, thanks for asking.

It would be, I love when you slowly address me, when we make out for a long time. It's just because I think people rush through kissing when they're in long-term relationships. So, reinforce all of that. These are a lot of questions. Okay, here we go. What gets you in the mood the most?

So this is similar to your turn-on, but again, these are different freezing. So if you've been with someone for a while, we all know that sex does become routine and you've different sex drives. So if you understand your partner, how they like to approach sex and what really turns them on,

like what gets them in the mood, this is a little bit different, because mood is like, like I would say slow touching, I would say, when you come in and we're like making out and there's not, you're not grabbing my crutch, you're not thinking does all the time, but when we're like slow down and we're kissing

and there's touch, I require a lot of slow, sensual touch. I like breath, I like breath in my ears, I like my neck kissing, I'll get three in the mood. Just comfortable bed, like good music. I can really enforce the touching thing. It's when I'm relaxed. Yeah, I was just going to say when you're completely relaxed. I should be relaxed. I'm not in the mood. I'm not relaxed. Like, think about that's why we talk a lot about anxiety. You know, you have to chill. Like, when we are anxious,

we're not going to want to sex. No laptop or phones around. Exactly. Right. Like looking at Instagram does not turn me on. That turns me off. That's not turning me. We're working. No.

Last one, are we having sex enough? Mm. I mean, I think that could be kind of leading because what if you've never talked about sex with your partner? They're like, no, but are yes. I mean, I think I would also add to this maybe, if you could change one thing about our sex life,

what would it be? That's another way to do it. Because it's kind of more practical because I think a lot of couples do do with mis-match libidos. But you want sex more than your partner does. That's really common. So maybe they'll say, you know, are we having sex?

If they say, no, you're like, great. How can we get there? If they say yes, you could say, this is where you could lead to another question. Yeah, I would lead into like, if they say yes, you could say this is where you could lead to another question. Yeah, I would lead into like, if they say yes, but you are feeling like you're not, it could be a good time to just open up the conversation of what a good compromise would be of the amount of sex that you're having, or what things you can do to have them be in the mood more, or why it, like, you know, maybe their sex drive is low,

figure out why is it stress, so what can you do to de-stress them, things like that? Right. It can be like, maybe you take your shower together in the morning, or maybe you'd like wake up earlier, or you squeeze water down the weekend, because if you keep thinking all week long, like, we've got sex, we've got sex, like, you know, huge fan of scheduling sex, there's ways to figure it out, but it's good to find out if your partner's happy, you might be surprised what they say. If they're having sex, you might think you know the answer, but I think we're always surprised. That's why it's good to have these conversations.

So any of those questions, be a great way to have a healthy conversation about sex and have the best sex possible, which is our goal. Like James. It is. Thanks, James. Okay, everyone, thank you for listening and thank you for supporting our sponsors. It is. It is. Okay, thanks, James. Okay, everyone. Thank you for listening.

And thank you for supporting our sponsors. That's how we can keep doing the show for you. For free, I appreciate it. We love our sponsors. We're going to take a quick break and come back with your calls. Okay, guys, we are on to your questions. This is a call show. I love talking to you guys.

It's awesome. If you want a question, answer on the show. Text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979. 7979, felt the short form. Put it yes if you'd like to be called. Or you can go to my website, sexwithmwe.com, click the Ask Emily tab. And as always, however you ask your question, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And always if you do it a call show or whatever, we don't care if, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show,

and always if you do it a call show, or whatever, we don't care if you change your name. It's fine, we're cool with that. We just wanna help. So thanks so much, you guys. Okay, this is Bethany 29 from Nashville and she wants sex, but not casual sex. Hey, Bethany, tell me what's going on.

Thanks for calling. Hey, hey. Thanks for having me. Of course. Well, when I wrote, hey, for having me. Of course. Well, when I wrote you, I was like talking about a situation that happened maybe like a year ago, but I haven't had any like new situation since then. So it's kind of like, well, I just like don't, I guess I don't date that much and I don't really know why.

And I, it's rare that I have relationships. Like I've had like one relationship in my whole life and I don't really know why. And it's rare that I have relationships. Like I've had like one relationship in my whole life and I'm 29. OK. So I just like wasn't, I feel like I'm realizing now, looking back that I'm like, I just like was totally clueless about how like the dating world quote unquote works.

Now I'm like watching these like YouTube channels of like these people like Elliott Scott I don't know if you heard of him but he's like giving tips to like women like about dating and like how the mind of a man works which sounds so like might sound like tried or something but really helping me and like enlightening me right now I'm like damn I wish I saw this like a year ago but basically I'm just like I just didn't know that it was like i just didn't know how

well time you learn to give an example of what made you go down i didn't know that like what are you learning kept telling what you right so i mean i'd like to see that i was talking to you he was like messaging me on instagram but acting like super super interested in i knew who who we was. And it was like we liked each other's art and music and stuff. So we had a resonance and it was like, oh cool. We were talking about it and he was like, we should hang out. I really want to hang out with you. And then we did hang out. And it was really good. And I thought that he was someone that was worth while to put time into.

I don't know. I guess I just liked him. And then he seemed to be really into me too and was super excited for maybe like three weeks or something and then kind of just stopped texting me as often. And then I started realizing like months you know, like months into it. I'm like, oh, I really like him, but I guess he's only texting me like once every two weeks. Like, you know, and I was so like monkey mind about it. And then like, and now this is like a year ago or something.

And now I'm finding all these YouTube channels that are like, hey, girls, this is what guys do. Like they actually into you because they have to hook you in. And then they might be like trying to keep you using the bare minimum amount of effort. Or like if you don't lay down the law or show them what your boundaries or standards are initially, then they're not going to like respect you or something. Greet you. Yeah, kind of. I just like didn't know that there was well, that was like a no.

I would stop watching all the channels. This is what I want for you. Not that's unhelpful, and I get it. I wouldn't say stop. I'm saying that there is useful information for sure. If you haven't dated, listen to things, figure things out up for you. You just haven't had a lot of experience dating. So I don't believe in all of these rules.

What I believe is that you, Bethany, it is figure out what you're looking for right now? And I think that the thing about dating is, is like what I would tell you is that, you don't really know what's going on with other person. Like I would say that it's all about people day for a few weeks, they might be seeing a lot of people. Like he might not be looking for whoever it is.

He, like the grand, he's like dating a bunch of people, or maybe he got back together with his ex, or maybe he just wanted sex. There's no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But women and men, we do this. We blame ourselves. So what I do wrong, I shouldn't have invited back to my house after the second day.

That's why I wear this skirt. You know, I should have worn pants. I don't know. We think of a million things he didn't like that. You know, he didn't like the dinner I made. I'm like, we come up with all these things and it's never what we worry about. It's never those things that we obsess about.

So I think the most important thing is building your confidence around men. And really just being comfortable, like making friends with guys and dating and just being like an understanding what you want right now. And I think it is true that everybody on date, like there is something fun when you're dating someone

to kind of like we don't know where it's gonna go But I think it's important to honestly know like if you're just casually dating right now You can let people know like I'm just dating or I'm I'm looking for you know to hang out with people or maybe you want a boyfriend So if you do like maybe you'd state a few people at once and you let people know that like I am looking for something serious But not right away or I want to get to know you more. I do think that people appreciate more information. And I think that even if you don't know, you can let them know that you're exploring it. Because I think rather than just kind of pretending that it's nothing and we're all being casual and what's going to happen, that's when we end up getting hurt and making up all these

meanings to things that have no meaning. So I think you just got to get back out there. Like you said you don't really know how to date. And I think like, this is the thing. You're just, you don't get asked to order, you don't meet people. There's a lot of single people. Like you're a Nashville.

Like there are single people everywhere. There's more single people now in America than ever. So I think the thing about where we don't meet people is because we don't put ourselves out there. Like you take the same root home from work every day. You go to the same bar with your friends, you hang out with your same three friends. So how you start meeting people is saying yes to those invites, like maybe once a week, you say yes to that

barbecue that you don't really like someone invites you to on Facebook, you know those of invites and you're like, you never look at them. They're like, Oh, I kind of like her. Maybe she'll have cool friends. Or you let people know that you know and trust family and friends that you're single. If you know anyone, like, fixed me up. So you start putting that energy out there. And you just start practicing talking to guys and people that you're maybe not even attracted to, but you just have that rapport.

So it's not so scary for you when you go out. You're like, how do I talk to a guy? And then it just becomes second nature. So I would say it's more about you and having confidence in yourself and your work and having a healthy life, having a rich, healthy, full life, I think, and being comfortable on yourself is the way that you start to meet people. Because then you're coming from a good, solid place and then you'll be tracking people who are like-minded.

Rather than being like, it's a date, what does it mean? You know what I'm saying? This way it's sort of part of what you're doing right now. You're working, you're seeing your friends, you're working out, you're doing all these other things and that it's a part of it. It's not become your singular focus because then dating happens as part of a lifestyle. Does that make sense?

Right, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, I mean, I think, well, do you have any other questions around that? Because I feel like I'm trying to get your question because I said, you're not that comfortable like dating. And I think that casual sex and stuff, around that because I feel like I'm trying to get your question because you're not that comfortable like dating. And I think that casual sex and stuff like I think you just kind of casual sex isn't for

everybody. You know, like casual sex, it's not like the rules to the society as you have to have it. Like some people are just like, I don't like it, right? They're like, no, I can't handle not knowing if someone's going to call or not being intimate with someone and knowing that they were part of a relationship or that I can trust them. And for a lot of women, the best sex they have is when they're with someone they trust. And they know they're going to see them or they're comfortable. But when we're not comfortable or it's new, we feel pressured. That's not when we have the best sex. So you might be someone who right now needs to know somebody. Like you want to

feel like you've gone out, you've had some experiences and then you feel safe. And then you might even have a class or sex and be like, it's still not for me or you might learn. like you've gone out, you've had some experiences, and then you feel safe. And then you might even have a class or sex and be like, it's still not for me, or you might learn. Like, I've gone through ebbs and flows in my life where I'm into the casual sex, and then I'm not, and they've signed a relationship, but you know, it's just ebbs and flows. So right now, it's a maybe you don't even really know what works for you.

So I would practice dating or saying yes to people that you wouldn't, they call it duty dating, but like, thing yes to be with you, wouldn't normally say yes to, finding who your type is, finding what you like doing with a guy. So kind of start from that place rather than making it about sex.

Damn, yeah. Damn, right? Like, just put your, do you have a, like, do go out a lot? Do you do things that you, you know, what are you like doing? What's fun for Beth? Hi. I, well, I just moved here to this new city.

Okay. I'm just like working a lot. And then my coworker like invited me to show, she's performing at tonight. Yeah. And I was like, damn, I don't know if I'm going to go. And then when you're saying that I was like, damn, you know, maybe I should. See? I'm telling you, yeah, I'm telling you and then when you're saying that I was like, damn, you know, maybe you should. I'm telling you, I'm telling you you should go.

Because whenever I've not wanted to go to something just because I'm tired of home from work and I make myself go, I've been in periods of life where they come and go where I'm like, no, I gotta be more social. So if you said you were gonna go, just go. And I feel like 99% of the time I do not regret going out. Like I'm just like, I'm glad I went. You might meet some really cool friends. You just move to New City. So it's kind of exciting. Like you're probably looking for female friends, male friends, everything. So these are the experiences where you meet people. Yes, you can use the apps and all that, but I think actually being comfortable in the new town and it's exciting.

Like it's exciting to move to a city in your 20s where you don't know anybody. Like I did that and it was like the most time, like I look back on that and like how you get to reinvent yourself, you get to reinvent yourself, you get to like, you know, where you're at in your life right now. So I would think about, I would kind of, like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now.

Like a healthy life, and just around it by good people and it's just gonna happen for you. Cause you don't have any problems, you know? It's not real problems. It's an exciting time in your life. So I think go to the show tonight, have a good time,

talk to people, make yourself. Like if you're like, I'm just gonna sit here, and it's like, I'm gonna go say hi. And that's when you get those charges. Like that's the connection. Like that's what life's about. Those real moments of people, not swiping through apps. Yeah.

That's a good supplement, but real life experiences are good for you. That's true. supplement, but real life experiences are good for you. That's true. How do you like, I feel like I'm like, want to like have intimacy with people, but I guess I just like have to wait because I have to like, no, if I can trust them. Oh, because you're one of them. Yeah, I mean, no, I'm not saying you have to. Maybe you try it and you're like, oh, that didn't work for me.

There are no rules here. You get to decide your own rules. Like, I know your own rules. So everyone gets sets up their own rules. So, you know, if you decide you want sex, you can go out and find sex, you get to decide. Like some people are like, I just, that's excellent. I get to, because we get to decide. Like, you can decide if you don't want to call someone as well. So I think just meet that person and then in the moment, you can decide what do I want. Not the other way around, you know what I'm saying? Like there's some people are like, I would have in casual sex for two years and it doesn't

feel good. I'm like, okay, here's your practice. Go out with someone and don't sleep with them for a month, right? But you're not in that position right now. I don't know what you're like, Bethany. I don't know. So you might not know either. So you might find someone in the next few days you like and you want to go out with them

again and maybe this weekend, you guys will make out who knows. So, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I think you should just trust your gut and your feelings and check in with yourself. How does it feel? I think it's probably better to take things slow and get to know someone. But, you know, if you don't, just sleep with someone and see how that makes you feel. You never know. A lot of things work for everybody, but what I'm saying for you is we don't know yet.

So just keep checking checking with yourself and And just go out meet some people. That's a great way to me I've met a lot of my guys bloody love dated are through other friends and shared experiences Definitely, I mean yeah, okay, I guess my like I'm like I Will like with the person that I was talking about earlier like it did feel like super right and then I ended up being like Let me tell you why I wasn't right. I'm gonna tell you this and I fled you go Let me tell you why I wasn't right because you were new at dating you said he was dating you are texting you every two weeks So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right. I'd be like, where'd you go?

Like two weeks, like to me, it's like, you know, like you want to talk more often. So they're probably worth signs there. Like when you were with them, it was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect. In the sense of like, you probably there were signs that he was seeing other people or that was going to drop off. You know what I'm saying? So let that experience go from a year ago, because it sounds like we tend to hang on to our last experience, that was the most intense. So let's let that go. Your new Bethany and a new city,

go out tonight, I think you're weighing your head about this. And I just want you to go out and have fun, make new friends, figure out where you love to go. Let people love meeting new people. Like it's so fun, you know, you're bringing yourself to the table. And you're gonna start to like meet new people and have new experiences and then everything else is gonna follow So don't trip on this last guy and what it meant people are doing a whole bunch of different things right now when you meet him

You never know so I don't think that means anything Okay, you got this Anthony just go out and figure out who you are Okay, I will okay. Yeah, you're so welcome, Bethany. Let me know it goes. You got this. Have fun. Take it out. Okay. Leave your house now. Okay. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm going to shower. Get out the door. It'll be so happy. I promise you. Have a good night. Okay. Bye, but you're so welcome, sweetie. You got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wanted to get to the bottom of that because I knew, I knew that we're holding onto things and we're so on our heads, but I'm telling you guys, just getting out there, letting people know you're single, it's not that people don't like you,

or you're broken, I just think that's how you meet people, is being involved, having a rich life. Like, and what I mean by that is, doing things outside of work, we're all tired at the end of the day. It's so much easier to go home and watch TV than it is to go out and meet people, but I'm telling you, once you do it, and once you start to say, once a week, I'm going to have this experience. I promise you, that's how you build your social circle, that's how you're going to meet people you're into. And that's what people find attractive to, is people who have a lot going on in a real genuine way,

not in like a fake way. Like, you got to build yourself up, but like if people who love life are attracting people who also love life and are attracted to that energy. So be the person you want to find. Okay, we've met, he's 30 from New Zealand, and his girlfriend is stressed and hasn't had sex in a while. Hey, Matt in New Zealand, I'm so glad you called. Hey, Emily, not for you.

I'm not for being the shock. I'm so glad you're here. There's so many listeners in New Zealand Nostril. That's awesome. I love that we get to talk and I can help you. So tell me what's going on. Yeah, I mean, my girlfriend, we've been together for a couple of years now. It's always been pretty great, but I guess in the last sort of eight months or so, she's

gone through a bit of a change. You know, she's either a little bit sick for a Birch, she got made redundant, we moved to the studies, so it's just a bit stressful for her and she actually expressed to me that her, you know, the six classes, the thing that goes first, I guess, when she's super stressed. Oh, okay, right. That makes sense. Yeah, okay. So that makes sense, too. It's true though, we're stressed and anxious about money and job. And maybe yeah. Yeah. They lose our sex. And I do. I remember you saying that as well. And so I didn't really want to, you know, pressure here into anything. No. Yeah.

So this just happened in the last few months. She's not really been sex or how long? I reckon that probably yeah, it'll be coming up, probably six months or so. So it feels like a long time. I feel like that is a long time. How you kind of almost forget about how to initiate it. You know, figure out if they're interested or you know, things like that.

Right, right. Is she feeling better now though, or is she still stressed out? Is she still in like, does she seem depressed, or is she anxious, or? She does sit to me that she deals with a bit of anxiety. And I think it's getting, I feel like it's getting better. I feel like I do feel like it's starting to slowly get better. But yeah, I think she's differently going in and out of anxiety.

And have you guys talked about it? Have you talked to about this at all? Said you really care about her and you wanna make sure you guys can be intimate again? Yes, not as much as we probably should, but we definitely have talked about it. We are quite open and we do talk about this stuff even now and then, but you know,

last kind of gets in the way. Right, right. And I've said, yeah. I think- I was just last kind of gets in the way. Right. Right. And I said, yeah. I think. So I was just wondering kind of other ways to. Yeah, I think you could have talked. Oh, just tell it see if she's interested or not. Well, how did you used to do in the past?

Like when you guys first, I know I guess in the very early stages, we all just want to sex all the time in the early stage and really see you. Yeah. There's no question. Yeah. You walk in the door and your clothes are often two minutes. I get that.

But right now, do you know what you said? Because then I'm going to, I'll answer this question, but I also think that it does, it's going to go back to talking. But are there things like where there's certain four-foot, like does she like massage? Like, have a foot massage at the end of the day or like when you're at home dinner or does she like going out? Like, have you guys had dinner lately or have you gone to movies or you know what I mean,

there are things that you guys have fun together doing. Because when you're at home, when you're doing the same things that can get, you know, kind of routine. True, yeah, that's very true. Yeah, she loves a good message. And I know she's mentioned in the past, like she's quite used to being like, you know, quite, you know, she, I think she, you know, really loves the

obviously, all men love a bit of full play, but she likes the, you know, heaps of touch and loves to introduce you know feathers and and try and I think she's used to being the kind of more dominant one in the bedroom. Oh, she's more dominant. I think so. Yeah, she's told me that I haven't actually experienced this, but I've heard her talk about it. And she's sort of said to me that she's a bit, she doesn't know how I would, I guess, react to it or, yeah, I think she maybe wants more from me in terms of reacting and seeing

a bit of things like that. Yeah, no Matt, this is all, okay, this is great information. So it sounds to me like this is what you need to do, is that you've got to just have a conversation. Like you've got to say, babe, I love you. I really want to talk about our, it's so important that we continue to connect and have sex life, have great sex and I'm just having sex with you. What can we do together? Like, I love to try whatever you want.

Like I like telling couples like exchanges, like sexy bucket list or what you both would want to try. You could say you said you were dominant in the past. That might be kind of sexy. Let's try it. You could use a neck tie. You could use a feather laying around the house.

So you could go to a sex toy store together and go shopping or buy some things online. But this is the way I tell you Matt. This is so true that you said you talk about it sometimes. And what I want you to realize is that the more you talk about number one, the easier it gets. So the more it's like, even if it's every other day, like you're talking about what to eat for dinner,

that's how your sex life can be, because you're both sharing an experience together. So you both need to talk about it, like where are you going on your vacation? What are you doing for dinner? Let's talk about our sex life. And so because you've talked about it maybe three times in the last six months,

like not enough, right? Like when you see her tonight or when you see her today, like I miss having sex with you. Like I know you've been going through stuff. I've been going through stuff trying to figure out what you need. Like let's just talk about it. You can say to her,

what's your most memorable time that we've had sex? And she might say that time where you came in late and I, you know, blindfolded you. Are you blindfolded me? Who knows what it is? But then you're going to learn what turns her on or ask her what she masterates, what she thinks about her. You guys could watch some porn together. Like, I feel like you guys have to build an erotic life together and that you're kind

of guessing because you're, you know, you care about her and you're being sensitive to what she's going through But you guys like you don't have to solve this on your own That's I'm trying to dive home like you guys are in it together and if you're guessing that there's things that she wants to try You guys have been together for two years. So it's time to stop kind of trying to figure it out and have a straightforward Conversation it's gonna get so much easier and you're gonna you're gonna you're going to believe that you didn't do this before because that's how you're going to figure this out. Because you both want the same thing. Yeah, I know it's scary, but when you do it like outside the bathroom, like at dinner, when you're having breakfast, you just bring

it up. You're like, let's talk about sex. What's going on? What can we do? From a very like, don't make it a serious conversation, Make it playful and fun because it's sex, sex should be fun and bring that, infuse that into the relationship. If you start the conversation that way, it's gonna help it be favorable to both of you. Whatever you guys decide. Yeah.

Okay. Awesome. Yes, greater boss. Okay, come in. Yeah. All right. You got this, then. Thanks so much, I'm glad you're doing it. Okay, you're so welcome, Matt. Have a great day. Have a'm like, yeah. All right. You got this? Start talking.

OK, you're so welcome, Matt. Have a great day. Nice, my pleasure. Thanks. Bye, Matt. It's fun, you guys. I get it that talking about sex seems can be so painful.

And we think we do it because we do it once every three months because we know how hard it is. And we remember that last conversation. But I'm telling you, the more you do it, the easier it gets, you just kind of like rip it off a bandaid, like literally like, babe, I know this is weird. We don't often talk about sex life, but let's talk about it. And believe me, if you're both in a loving relationship, you're in it together. You're both of your interests, and you want to be the partner who can contribute and talk

about it. So you guys can continue to have healthy sex. Communication is a lubrication. This is Camila. She's 23 from the Bay Area and she needs a sensitive lube for vaginal sex and anal sex. Hi! I'm so glad you called. Me too. I have been wondering about this for some time because I'm very six positive and I know that even though I can make good lube myself, I'm trying fix positive and I know that even now I can make good loop myself. I'm trying to improve my anal game so I'm out there looking for a loop and just everything hurts. Okay, so no matter how does it hurt?

Tell me what kind of... how does it help explain to me the hurt? So it's almost like inflamed like my insides are on fire. And that's really the best way that I can put it. And so, I took your recommendation and contacted my doctor and said that there are different synthetics in lube. It's true. I can actually destroy your vaginal flora and I didn't know that it could also harm your anus too or that it could hurt.

Yeah, it can hurt. Do you ever have pain at all during sex besides the lube like, is there ever any pain that It could also harm your anus too, or that it could hurt. Yeah, it can hurt. Do you ever have pain at all during sex besides the lube? Is there ever any pain that happens? No, okay. No, and that's why it's strange to me. That's why I picked point did the lube

to be the problem. Okay. Except anal sex is a little painful. That's why I wanted to have the lube so that we can have a little bit more assistance because that part doesn't get as wet. Okay, well, let me tell you here, so I know that you tried a bunch of different loobs.

Now have you tried silicone loob? No, I haven't tried silicone loob, but I actually found a natural loob that has no synthetic in it, and I've been using it for a full week now and have had no tame. Oh, okay, that's all, what kind is it? It's called slickwinn.

Oh yeah, slick wind is great. I really like slick wind. Sliquid organics makes a great loop. I'm a fan of there, so that's great. I was gonna recommend you because even when I started my show 13 years ago, people really get silicone loops, but the truth is, I love Uber Loop. It's a silicone loop and it just has one

and you're like, one or two ingredients in it. And for a lot of people, it's a great choice, especially for anal sex. So I love Uber Loop. Okay. And the a lot of people, it's a great choice, especially for anal sex. So I love ubulub. And the other thing I was gonna tell you is foria, which is a CBD, like a pre-lobe. It's called foria, F-O-R-I-A. And it's basically like a CBD lube

and it can help with pain, it relaxes your vagina, it's all plant-based, and it's all natural ingredients. It's coconut oil, whole plant extracts, cacao, cova, vanilla, coconut, hemp, mint, ginger. So for ya, they can... Love it. Yeah, so I would check that out, but I'm glad you found something right now because it is true, not all loobs are the same for everybody.

And then anal canvacate, which you got to breathe. What'd you say? I thought it was. I thought, oh, just get Joe Wu about the counter. Everything's great. I tried the organic loop, the regular loop, and nothing worked until I pinpointed the ingredients in the loop.

That makes sense. No, I'm glad you did, because I do like Sliquid. That is great. So stick with that. And then try it. For you is great too. Yeah, you're so welcome. So I'm going to move to and for you.

Yes, exactly. Check them out. See what you like. It's like everything. I love the word for you. I just Anforia. Yes, exactly. Check them out. See what you like. It's like every time. I love their website. I love their website. I just finished your podcast this morning about it.

Oh, you did? Oh, about for you. Yeah, I know. I'm a huge fan. I'm getting so many emails from listeners. They're like, oh my god, it changed everything. So, you know, times of the relaxation. Okay, good.

Yeah, you're so welcome. Have a great day. Bye, Camila. Thank you. Bye. That was a great reminder, guys. It is so true. I talk about a lot of different things on the show. Thank you. Bye. That was a great reminder guys. It is so true. I talk about a lot of different things on the show, lubes and toys.

We all have to figure out what feels good to us. I'm so glad you guys are asking the questions and talking to our doctors and every single body is going to react differently to different things. You know my dream is a lube on every nightstand. You just need to find the lube that works for you because I'm a fan of using lube for every kind of sexual activity. Okay, this is Lee. She's 33 from New Jersey

and she used to be able to orgasm but now can only orgasm in her sleep. Hi Lee. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm so good. Thanks for calling in. Tell me what's going on. Yeah, I mean, you pretty much summed it up.

I have been in a happy marriage for 11 years now. Yeah, we've had always had great fix, but over the last 11 years, I have not been able to, like, climax completely with him, or really, at any point, on my own, or with him beyond being totally asleep in dream world and then waking up from. Okay, and this has been in the last 11 years, this has been the case or just recently. You said it all the way to the full time.

Basically, basically since the very beginning of when we were dating I was able to and even a little bit into our marriage and then it seems like just very shortly after we got married. Okay. Everything's stuck. Got it. Okay. So let me ask you a few questions.

Are you taking any medication? I'm taking birth control off and on over these years and then I was pregnant and went through labor all of that three times. Okay, three kids, eleven years of marriage. Okay, you've been busy. All right, so birth control pill, okay, got it, so birth control and but that's really it. Have you ever changed up your birth control? I've always been on the new ring.

Okay, honestly birth control pills could have an impact, but I feel like there's something else because the good news, here's the good news is that you're able to orgasm like you're able to have you know experience pleasure So have you okay? I'm sure that you probably don't get a ton of alone time. We have three kids But do you ever get to you know master wait like I know you said you've tried but have you really? Like are you using toys? Now you trying just once you trying for a bit. Because it's really getting your body back into that muscle memory of masturbating again. So tell me about your masturbatory experience. Right.

It's something I never really did much of early on. It just wasn't something that ever came naturally to me, or it's just something I thought of. It was like sort of an afterthought and it's actually my husband that got me Interested in it at all. He bought me toys and was always just kind of saying like go ahead go try some things, you know do what you need to do But I've only like in the last two or three years tried to start doing that and I think you're right I I probably don't make quite enough time for myself to do that. I've definitely tried a couple of different things and I'm not like a pose to it, but I

don't really know where to start. So you said that he and he in four plays, he like warming you up or you are you in the mood after you start making out and stuff. Okay. And do feel yourself getting there and then you stop or you're just not, are after you start making out and stuff. Okay, and do you feel yourself getting there and then you stop or you're just not, are you turned on during sex? Okay. No, no, I absolutely like warm up, I'm totally into it.

We get all the way to that point all the time. And so I constantly feel like I'm right there, like about to hit the edge. And then what happens, can you tell me what happens? Is there a thought that pops in your head? Do you have that thought it's not going to happen? And then it doesn't? I think I will it so much.

Like I'm just like, OK, here it comes. Yes, yes, yes. And then nothing, it just has been happened. So I'm not sure if my thoughts are getting in the way or not. I always feel like I'm given enough time to ever feel rushed. There's nothing like that. I definitely think my brain has something to do with it. Yeah, our brain does.

Even the brain, even the part of it that's saying, oh my god, you're so close that's still you, right? So I feel like that's your pattern that you're in and you're probably in your brain are going. It's close because you want it to happen so bad and you're breathing, I hope it happens. So I have a few suggestions for you. I would say since your husband seems really cool and he's into it and he's taking a new time

and I would say a few things. You could just have it so you guys focus when you have sex, it's more about your orgasm. So you could just like take an account, course off the table and have them like not be about penetration. But I want you to experience an orgasm again while you're awake. And so I want you to give the confidence that it can happen. So the few things are childbirth.

Kegel exercises are so important. And I totally understand the heart you remember to do. But it's responsible for your orgasms after childbirth like your pelvic floor is weakened. So have you done your kegels at all? Because you could buy kegels, I can give you kegel hacks too. So just tell me if you've been working on that because that helps.

Yeah, no, I don't feel like that's something I have done since pregnancy now. Okay, so here's a few things. I want you to buy, if this would help you, maybe you're, I have an iPhone, do you have an iPhone by chance? No, I don't. Okay. Because it's an iPhone, I've got a kegel cam, but other people make keg do you have an iPhone by chance? No, I don't. Okay.

Because it's an iPhone app called Cagle Camp, but other people make Cagle apps. So with the other thing is I would tell you to buy, do you work out at all? When I can. Yeah. Okay. Because one of my greatest things that helped me is that I buy Cagle balls and we buy make something called the bloom and you put it inside of you. And I wear them. I wear these Cagle balls when I go into the gym,

when I walk around the neighborhood, because your body is, so I don't even think to do my keg, I mean sometimes I use my app, which is called kegokamp, I don't remind you twice a day. But if you put it on your phone as a reminder and you wear it in the morning when you're folding laundry, when you're driving to, I don't know if you're working

or whatever you do, you can say, I'm gonna put it in because our bodies are naturally tensing them, so that's gonna fall out, right? So you're naturally working them by moving around the house or going to see a friend for lunch. So just wearing them will strengthen them. Or if you can remember, you tense and relax them

for five minutes a day. It's those pee stopping muscles because those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So after three kids and you're young, you're 33 years old, I mean, your public floor just might be weakened. And the thing is we draw more attention to that area when you do your cagles, you have to breathe.

So my one step is straightening. These are what you have to do on your own. Do your cagles. If you do it like four times a week, five minutes a day, I'm telling you in a month, you're going to feel so much stronger. And those are the same months that you tense and relax or you flex when you're having orgasm or you want to get more turned on. So that'll help.

And then also, if you're not going to masturbate on your own, it's just not your thing, you're busy. Next time you have sex, have it be about your orgasm. So he's going down to you. Maybe you're using a toy again. Do you have a good, literal toy that you like using? Honestly, I'm just like unfamiliar with a lot of things. I have, I just have a good, two good vibrators, one that's kind of like super strong and intense. And then

one that's like kind of really soft and I would try the soft one and then build up. Okay, so I would try the soft one and I would use loop first of all. Loop so important. You have to use the music. We just don't get lubricated as much and use some loop. Have them use the toy and you, like, or you could guide his hand, try to the soft setting and then build up. And then I would say, like, you have a bee, if he uses fingers or his mouth and a toy without a time limit. And I just want you to have that orgasm first

without intercourse. And then you guys can also, and if that makes you feel bad, you're like, I want him to come. Obviously you could have sex when it's over or you can both mutually masturbate together so you, like, you know, like, we are in this together. I'm gonna figure it out. But I don't want you to put the pressure on yourself.

This might take you a month or two to like, just try and masturbate. But I feel like I want to bring this back. If it's been 11 years, you know, since it's happened, I mean, here's all the good news. You're having sexual thoughts. You're having orgasms when you're sleeping. You know that you can have orgasms

because you had them before, you got married or when you started dating and before you had kids. So really it's like muscles you haven't used. It's like rebuilding this sexual response and feeling into your body again. And I really think my number one thing is breathing, like deep breathing when you're having. Don't hold your breath. So breathe into it. And every time you start thinking, oh, here it comes.

Or is it not coming back to your breath? Like in and it's gonna take practice because our mind just take over. So I think it's about relaxing, taking baths, getting yourself ready for sex. So watching porn, like taking a bath and feeling good in your body. And like having prep, or the doors locked,

or letting candles, like to me, the senses are just really important. So it's like, if you have good candle and you have music playing, and like you can just link into your breath and then like oh the candle smells good or the music I'm hearing so you're not in your thoughts because the second we start paying attention to everything we're sensing we can't be thinking because I believe it's in your head and there's nothing wrong with you how's that no yeah I don't think there's

anything wrong with that that That's definitely something, yeah, something definitely off with, and you know, having kids and a full-time job and all of that. Yeah, it's a lot too. It's a lot. Honey, I don't know how people really full-time job and three kids and your sex life. So I'm weird to work then.

Like, I know that seems silly. No one has to know, but there's a lot of different Kaggle Balls online. You can try them out, but for me, there are like weights, no, it's like wearing tampons. Yeah, it's never been heard of those. It's not, okay. I've been doing some doodling right after the show.

Check them out. Like there's some good brands that make them, you can see like they're weighted, and I just became like a ritual, and I'm not anywhere for like an hour or two at work. You take them out and you put them in plastic bag. Like no one needs to know, but just the act of wearing them. So I think breathing,

Kaggle's taking the pressure off yourself using lube and telling your husband that what we talked about and having him get on board with this because he wants you to have pleasure as much as I do and as much as you do. Yeah, totally. He's more on board than I am most of the time. So he's the one getting me more interested in improving things. Good. Good. I love it. Well, just think about this. I love that you called out. It's really good self-care.

And you're going to get there. So it's important. When you get there, it's going to be a lot easier. Let me know what happens. By Lee, have a good day. Thanks for calling. Thanks. Thanks, bye.

I love these questions about women and orgasms. I think we can all relate. Many women can relate to the fact that when we don't have a lot of sex or we're not masturbating, it can get take a little while to get back into the game. Just like working out, adopting out their lifestyle, eating healthy, bringing your lunch to work. I mean, all these little things are little micro habits working out and so the same thing goes for your sex life. So taking the pressure off yourself and the more that we masturbate, the more we're going to want to masturbate. It's true, your orgasms are there. The loose of orgasm is real, but masturbation

and breathing is a key to getting you back. That was fun. Do you guys love the call shows as much as I do? That's, I just love talking to you guys. It's so fun. It's like we're all in this together. So thanks everyone for listening and for being here and telling your friends about the show

and supporting the show. And thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamla.com.