Sex With Emily - Where Did My Orgasm Go?

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Attention: the orgasm has left the building. What does it mean when you can orgasm with one partner, but not another? Or when you can squirt, but not climax? How do we create those delicious sensations, without getting too up in our head about it?On today’s Hotline Calls show, we’re talking all about orgasm and how to unlock it. I answer your questions on how to orgasm for the first time (at any age), what to do when you’re unable to orgasm with a new partner, how overall health affects your ability to climax, and how to create masturbation routines that support the orgasms you deserve. Have a question of your own? You can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739).Show Notes:Je Joue Mimi SoftEpisode: Best Of: Sexually Fit w/ Mind Pumpb-Vibe: Premium anal play products for next-level butt-gasms.Episode: Seducing The Booty w/ Alicia SinclairDame Pom is great for exploration. Eva for a couples toy We-Vibe Nova II for internal and external pleasure Pjur Lube For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's so frustrating and disappointing that I can't have an orgasm with a man. I'm thinking, is this going to be the time? And I'm totally in my head. Because our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if our brain is saying, is it going to happen? Is it the one? Is it going to? There's no space for the energy to move through your body

for you to feel connected, for you to feel the sensations that are going on. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Attention, the orgasm has left the building. What does it mean when you can orgasm with one partner but not another?

Or when you can squirt but not climax? How do we create those delicious sensations without getting too open our head about it? On today's show, we're talking all about orgasm and how to unlock it. I answer your questions on how to orgasm for the first time at any age. What to do when you're unable to orgasm with a new partner, how over a health affects your ability to climax and how to create masturbation routines

that support the orgasms you deserve. If you have a question of your own, call me anytime and leave a voicemail. 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. You can also message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention and I encourage you to do the same. When you're listening, think about what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to help you and your partner figure out what's keeping you from having mind blowing

orgasms. Something we all deserve. Remember to please rate and review sex with Emily and there's a new article on sexfamily.com five ways to unleash your inner sexy schoolgirl. All right Alright everyone, enjoy the show. Before I get into your excellent orgasm questions, let's talk real quick about an orgasm. What is an orgasm? What happens in your body? Well, an orgasm is what can happen when you reach the height of sexual rousal, and it usually feels really, really good.

So when you have an orgasm, you climax, people call it coming, the sexual tension increases until it reaches this peak state and then you'll feel that all this pressure and tension in your genitals is released. Now signs of an orgasm, a lot of you like, I don't know if I've had an orgasm. It can be again a pleasurable feeling in your genitals. You'll feel some tension released. Your face can flush. There could be some shaking. Your heart rate is breathing quite quick and you get these feel good hormones that are released. But remember, if you can't orgasm, totally fine. You are not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. And we're going to get you there.

I've found that some people are just unable to orgasm because they've focused so much on the fact that they can't orgasm. So that makes it harder. That means you're not in the moment and you're thinking, is this going to be it? Am I going to orgasm right now? And then they miss out on the whole experience. Remember that sex isn't all about the orgasm. Sex is about connection and intimacy and feeling good.

So if you focus on the pleasure, you're more likely to experience an orgasm. Here's a great way to do it. Stay present and be mindful using the five senses. You're with a partner and you're having sex and you're worried about orgasm, ground yourself in the five senses. What is happening around you? What are you hearing? What are you smelling?

What are you tasting? Are you feeling your hands on your partner's body? Are you smelling the candle that you've lit? Are you hearing your favorite playlist? When you run through the senses, it ground you smelling the candle that you've lit? Are you hearing your favorite playlist? When you run through the senses, it ground you in the moment, and then you can't be anxious. You can't be in the past or the future. And if you're struggling orgasming with a partner,

it's really great to take some time on your own, to figure out your own body, masturbate, what feels good to you. Cause that takes the pressure off of having to perform for somebody, and you're worried that your partner is worried that it's taking so long. But there is something called the orgasm gap. People with penises take on average about five minutes to climax. Well, vulva owners take about 18 minutes to 20 minutes. That is a big gap.

And so that's why a lot of of Volvo owners have this pressure to orgasm because our partners got their way before we did. And so that's also why it's really important to focus on arousal and all the things that are leading up to other parts of sex. I don't think that sex should be so focused on penetration because for the majority of Volvo owners, that is not where you're going to have the most pleasure. You're going to have it do kissing and oral sex and touching and massage. And the more you invest in those kind of behaviors that feel good, orgasms more likely to happen, it does not happen during penetration for the majority of vulva owners. Finally, toys, products, loobs, all these things will just help you on your orgasm journey.

Whether you've had one or you want to have multiples or you want to have more intense orgasms, loob is just a no-brainer. Have loob on your nightstand. I love pure loob. PJ, you are. They make a loob for every occasion. And some really fun toys to play with. If you want to explore some internal, external simulations and you have a vulva, the Nova 2 is an excellent toy to do that with. It's sort of like a rabbit vibe. That's what dual stimulation means. It has an external part. And then for penis owners, love the arc wave.

The arc wave Ion is a masturbation sleeve with a kick. Like meaning it vibrates, you can put some lube in it and it's gonna feel amazing. So join me in this episode, getting you all well on your way to more pleasure, more orgasms, more connection, and more fun. On to your questions. Kelly, 30 in British Columbia. Hi. Kelly, tell me everything.

What's going on? How could I help you? Okay. I'm on a journey of rediscovering my sexuality, and it took me a while to get there, but basically my biggest insecurity is that I've never had an orgasm. And I'm 30 years old and it's really bugging me and it took me some time, but eventually I started therapy and I did learn a lot

and I'm in a really good place now, but it took me time to even talk about it at all. I would like start crying if I ever spoke about it at all. Now I'm getting to a better place. Yeah, so I recently started seeing someone and the first time that we were intimate together, he made me squirt.

And I felt like he unleashed something that I didn't know I could even do. I was like, well, how does this make sense? How did it take 30 years for me to do this, unlock this superpower that I feel like I have? And I feel like finally I'm part of society and I'm a normal human being. And maybe I am able to do other things.

And I just don't really get it though. I thought it was going to be me who would have to do the work. But it seems like it's kind of this guy that unlocked something in me. I don't really get it. And I don't even know what my question is. Like, just like, how do I, I want to have an orgasm. Okay. And it's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. You can score it without orgasm. You can orgasm and not score it. You can score it without orgasm. It's all, it's connected, but not necessarily. So, yeah. Have you masturbated on your own and you've tried to orgasm?

I don't often at all. I've concluded that I must have a very low sex drive. I don't really feel the need to masturbate. I would say I would argue that everyone needs to masturbate and that sometimes sex be gets sex. The more that you masturbate and figure out your body, first off, that's how you're going to have an orgasm. probably it sounds like you probably had sex with people as it happened yet

because then you could be on your own. Like that's how it's gonna happen. That's not happened for me. You get a toy. I feel like it's gonna come work sometimes. Like I don't wanna sit down and like, I don't know it. That's how I feel about it.

Does it feel good? Does it ever, does sex feel good for you? Yes, it does. Okay. I don't hate it at all. I want you to like it. I want you to get the loving it. Is there anything that you did you grew up with any messaging around sex that it wasn't okay to masturbate? Sort of like I feel like it. I definitely had a different mind frame about it, which is what I've learned through therapy like to I feel like I definitely had a different mind frame about it, which is what I've learned through therapy, like to love myself and to see it as a positive thing. So I feel like there's a lot of elements into play there. Like, therapy has resurfaced that I've been assaulted, and I feel like that did not

help my case. So I worked on that and I processed that through therapy. So I feel like there's a few elements there that are going to play into why I am the way I am. Yes, I think so. You've been assaulted. You had a sexual assault. It would age.

This would be about five years ago. OK. So it's about 25ish. OK. That could be something to do with it as well for sure, unresolved trauma and not feeling that it's safe to be sexual. Yeah. It definitely takes a lot for me to feel comfortable with a partner since then. Right. That makes sense. That's what happens with trauma. Absolutely. It shifts our entire way of being sexual and thinking about sex and trust.

So I hear you on all of that and I'm really glad that you're in therapy. So the piece here is that is that it's really about you learning to connect to your body. You on your own in the bathtub, you get a fun toy. You could get something like the J-June Mimi is a great beginner toy, and I need a beginner toy. It's not a beginner toy, I bring it. It's one of my saying. It's just.

I've often heard you talk about, yeah, I'm into that idea. I tell you what all the time, but I really think, it's just like if you put it, you just turn it on, I don't think it's charged, but it's just like, it feels really good, it's soft, you use a little bit of lube, and you just sort of put it over your vagina, your vulva, and you just sort of close your eyes, you take some deep breaths,

and you start to say, get curious about what it feels to be stimulated around all those nerve endings, the vulva, the vagina, and just start to explore. And if your brain starts going to like, what am I doing? And it's just stupid, and you gotta go back to your breath and back to exploring. But I really think a vibrator is going to be

what could get you there. So take the pressure off orgasm and put the focus on exploration and pleasure. I like that. Can you get yourself, that's what's going to get there. You're not broken. You know, I didn't have an orgasm until I was 25 and I masturbated until I was about that age and I had it, it was with the toy first. Yeah.

So I'm with you. I didn't even think about masturbation. I didn't even know why. This is something that we women often assume that we should be hit over our head with desire like men are like men are more ever responsive responsive or they are spontaneous men of spontaneous arousal they get a reaction you know they're turned on they see you they're like oh but for a lot of women it's we respond to things so we might respond to touch having something touch you or be thinking thoughts that turn you on could be the things that are going to get you there

But the pressure of being with a partner who's just touching you and doing all these things like it's a Disconnected you got to do your own work first Okay, yes, you get a toy I Need to yeah, it's a loop. Okay. I'm here for you. Let me know it goes We can continue to talk about it. You can send a follow-up You know question and we can have on the phone, but I'm telling you it's gonna be so empowering and it's gonna change the trajectory of your entire sex life Definitely, okay. Thank you for your advice. Of course. I got you by Kelly. Have a great night. Thank you. Take care You too. Bye. Bye You are responsible for your own orgasm.

Now, I love what she's saying that her partner unleashed something in her, but the truth is she felt safe. She allowed him to unleash something, but that doesn't mean that still, at the end of the day, we're responsible for feeling safe with ourselves, safe with somebody else, for exploring what feels good to us so we can explain that to a partner. But until we take our sexual satisfaction, our desires, our orgasms into our own hands, we really won't be able to, for many of us, be able to really explore and be as open with anyone else until we give that same focus and attention to ourselves.

All right, we have an email. It's from Nick and he's 61 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a question about male orgasms. I'm 61 years old and divorced last year, and I haven't had sex in about two years. About two months ago, I met a woman. We hit it off, especially in the bedroom. Are you ready? She's 28 years old old and she seems totally cool with my age. The sex is so good. With the help from the blue pill, we really go at it. I'm keeping up with her and our sex is awesome. The thing is about my orgasm. I can't seem to orgasm when we are having intercourse inside of her. I stay hard, it feels great, but I usually have to masturbate to climax,

have I lost some sensitivity, your thoughts. Here's the thing, first off, Nick, you sound very happy, I'm glad you found love, remember age is only a number. However, just be all age, it can be harder to orgasm, especially for men to get erections, and that's because lower testosterone, now there could be certain medications you're taking. I'm not sure how healthy you are,

but if you exercise and there's more blood flow to the area, it can also help you with orgasm and erection. Because I know you're taking a blue pill, which is helping with the erection, but there might be some underlying challenges with your overall health. You know, a lot of times people are like, I'm really healthy and that's bad, but it is important to look at medications,

get your testosterone checked because maybe you could take a bioidentical hormone. Those are all the things I could help you from a physical perspective. Let's talk about though your orgasm because I feel like there's been a lot of emphasis on her pleasure, and it feels great for you, but there's a lot of men who need a different kind of stimulation and a different kind of

arousal. What have you in the past required to have an orgasm? Maybe there's a different kind of touch you need or a different kind of arousal. Maybe there's something, sometimes we find that as we get older or different parts in our life, we need different kinds of stimulation. Maybe you need a harder grip. Maybe she could finish you off with her hand. Maybe you need some kind of warm up.

Maybe it's dirty talk or there's some kind of fantasy you have that kind of amp your rousal. Because the more aroused we are, no matter what our gender is, no matter what our age, we can definitely have more orgasm that way, right? Building a rousal, teasing each other, playing before you get right into the penetration. So I would think about your own arousal cycle, maybe what's worked in the past,

and also be open to communicating her about what you need. So check all those boxes, get your health checked, and have a conversation with her about your own turn-ons and what might be required to get you there. All right, thanks for your email, Nick. We're going to take a quick break to hear from our sponsors. When we come back, I talk to Tasha, who hasn't been able to orgasm since her last relationship. Let's talk to Tasha, 44 in the Bay Area. Hi Tasha, it's good to see you.

Hi Emily, good to see you too. Hi, how can I help you? So I have kind of a really big problem, I think. It's a really big deal. I was married 16 years in a relationship for 20 years with the same person and had orgasms regularly without any problem whatsoever. And I've been single now for over a little over two years and I've had two partners and I cannot have an orgasm with them. Okay. So the first one I was actually with

the same person for eight months. So it wasn't I'm not like a one night stand type of a person. You know, I like obviously like relationships. So yeah, I couldn't the whole time. And he was a very kind and generous person that was very patient and tried for very, very long periods of time. And he was a very kind and generous person that was very patient and tried for very very long periods of time. How did you orgasm in the past with your husband? What was going on? Was it during penetration? Yeah. It was during penetration. And so I still have a hard time now that I've explored so much sexually since him. I'm wondering was it the penetration or did he happen to hit another area in a certain way in combination with the penetration maybe? But I've never ever been able to have an orgasm orally. Here's another thing I can masturbate and

have an orgasm very quickly with just my hands and my fingers. you figuring? Okay. That's great. So I can work as in quickly by myself. So I know that I work. You're not working. Yeah. Okay. So that's how I work as in with my ex. And it was during penetration with our certain position. Mm-hmm. Okay. And so you've tried to mimic that position. Yep. Okay. And now there's something to be said for it also being in your head around it. Like, is it going to happen? Is it going to happen totally? I feel like you have to, it was 16 years, your body is like a literally trained to have an orgasm with your ex in that certain way.

And then when it didn't happen again with this person for eight months, you probably, you know, I think a lot of it sounds like it's just you're in your head and it's anxiety that now you're worried it's not going to happen. So it's not happening. And so to take the pressure off yourself, what if you guys did a few little like if you did some mutual masturbation where you're masturbating and they're masturbating and they could watch and see what you're doing and then you see what they're doing, you could show them what, you know, they can kind of take a look with your hands. So maybe you're having an orgasm with them in the

same room. So you feel like, oh, I can have an orgasm with somebody. And then I would also, I mean, the fact that you're so easy orgasmic, like I wonder, it's so much of it is our heads. So what are you thinking about during sex? At this point, because it's so frustrating and disappointing that I can't have an orgasm with a man, I am thinking, is this going to be the time? Right. Is this it? Is this it? And I'm totally in my head. Okay. So that's exactly why. And this is like a lot of men with premature ejaculation. It happens to them once. And it is so horrifying that they can't believe they came so quickly. And then they developed premature ejaculation.

So not in every case, but that happens a lot because our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if our brain is saying, is it going to happen? Is it the one? Is it going to, there's no space for the energy to move through your body, for you to feel connected, for you to feel the sensations that are going on. And so I think that I would do for practice any mindfulness. I'm a yoga teacher. I teach mindfulness. Okay. So I'm

not walking my talk. It's okay. Sometimes I forget some masturbate. I get it. It's hard being a leader. So, so, so, so, this is amazing. I'll have to explain this to you. But one of my best tips is to focus on your five cents in the moment when you're having sex with someone, because this will be easier for you than many, I think, who don't have already a mindfulness practice. You might have to do this 100 times during one session, but when you start thinking, is it gonna happen?

You think, what am I smelling right now? You know, maybe you're smelling a candle. What am I, where are my hands? My hands are all around his body. What am I tasting, smelling, feeling? And then the second you ground yourself in those five senses, it immediately transports you to the present moment. You can't be worrying about the future of the past. How does his penis actually feel inside you right now? Okay, I'm feeling the ridge. Okay, I'm feeling this. Okay, that feels good.

His hands on my ass, you know what I mean? Just really, just, you might have to do it. And I'm not saying it's going to happen the first time, but keep going back to your feelings. What is happening in your body? I'm pretty good at doing that. So another little thing that pops into my head is that, I don't know why or how this got developed with these last two partners, but I'm, I have like a fear of them losing their erection. And so then I feel like I need to hurry. Like I'm on a time crunch. Oh, okay. That might be a little bit like with my ex. I knew he never had a problem for 20 years. Like got an erection. Like all of the others walked by him in my underwear and he was ready to go

and I knew, oh, here we go. And then I knew I had to be quick because he was going to be quick and I'd be quick and then he'd be, and it was like this thing. So now I think the men I'm dating now are older because I'm older. Right. And I have this fear of what if they lose it and I'm about to have orgasm and then they're going to lose their erection. Wow.

So it's like a whole narrative you've created. Look at you. Yeah. I'm gonna go crazy and know. No, we all have our things to know, but thank you for sharing all this because I can totally relate to the guy going down to me and staring at the clock and being like,

how many more minutes is it gonna take me to come? And then you don't come, right? We all do these pressures, women. So you said you're not a one night stand kind of person. Have you talked to any of these guys about sex? Yeah. Actually, one of the first guy dated is the one who told me about you. And we still listened to you together.

We were so open about sex and exploring different things. I had a lot of fun. Okay, good. Can you talk about these things? I find myself getting in my head because maybe all you need is for them to say I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if I lose my erection. Like I will do whatever it can to have your orgasm Let's keep a toy on hand. Let me try to go down in you. Maybe your ex just didn't go down in you in a way and you think you can't come that way Because he didn't have time, but it doesn't mean you can't

Okay Well, or you might find other things like I think this is a great time of exploration for you. After being in one place, one relationship for so long, maybe you don't know who you are in your 40s. It's different than you were in your 20s. I know that I'm a different person than I was. I feel like if you kind of present

the sex conversation with your new partners about, let's explore together. I'm at a place now where I was in another relationship and I really want to explore new paths to pleasure. And so maybe we could slow things down. It might take me a little bit longer. I mean, the guy I was with for nine months, he would track hours. And I would get, so here's another thing. I get so close, like I'm right there and then it's like a steel wall just like comes down. I almost have experienced more pleasure

than I did with my ex, sexually, with these other two men. Sounds like it. But I'm not finishing. I'm like, just not going over there. That pill. Yeah, I understand that. I really do.

And what I love that you're saying, we know exactly what the challenges are now because you're focusing on orgasm. And I tell people that's a lot, but take the focus off orgasms and put the focus on pleasure. Where does it actually feel good for me to be touched? And that's such a great mindfulness practice to do with somebody.

You could have it, so for 15 minutes, they're pleasing you. Then you're pleasing them. So you're just receiving. There's like an art of receiving and having them just touch you everywhere. It sounds like though you could have orgasms with your ex, the rest of it doesn't sound like it was that interesting. He was rushing. He was, you know, sounds like he planted some anxious seeds in your head too that I got to do this fast. So I think there's a new learning process here that you just have to be patient with yourself and realize that you just have a, this is who you are right now

and you get to explore something you probably didn't get to do before. Okay, and then maybe release this fear that I have that I'm never gonna have an orgasm again with a man. So that's what happens in my head is I think I wanna have an orgasm with a man so badly. So you know you've to set your intentions like before yoga class and stuff in your Affirmations, well how about I am highly orgasmic and receiving of all love and pleasure I am I'm a highly orgasmic with men like you just flip it

I'm highly wake up look at the fear in the morning. I am highly orgasmic. Oh, I'm highly it's just your narrative You know this. It's anxiety. You've twisted the story. And none of it's true. Like, you're going to have an orgasm. I'm not worried about you at all. You know, exactly what it is.

You're very self-aware. Yeah. OK, I like that. I like that. Thank you so much for your title. I can't wait to hear what happens. OK. I love it.

Bye. Tasha, have a good one. Bye. This brings up a roadblock that so many of us experience during sex and that is our brain is Distracting us telling us things that aren't true keeping us away from Experiencing pleasure. So if this is you and I think it's a lot of us, maybe we're worried about Work or something that happened five minutes ago or we're worried about something that's going to happen in the future.

It really will be helpful to share that with a partner, but to also develop a healthy mindfulness practice, you could try some mindful masturbation on your own where you're just paying attention to the sensations you're having in your body and not the thoughts you're having in your head. That's your homework assignment. Okay, we even emailed Jen 23 from Columbus, Ohio. Hey Dr. Emily, I've enjoyed your content for months.

Recently, my boyfriend and I were talking and I said to him that having orgasms and ejaculating are the same thing. He disagreed with me and started to look it up. His article said that there's a difference, but how can you tell the difference if there is one? Even after he read me one source, I still disagreed. I'd love to get your feedback on this. Thanks. All right, Jen, it's a great question because I get it. It makes sense, right? In your experience, someone with a penis is having an orgasm at the same time they ejaculate. So technically, ejaculation refers to the release of semen

that involves your penis and your urethra. And the orgasm is that feeling of pleasure, satisfaction, climax, and typically they do happen at the same time as they're caused by the same physical stimulation, but you can also separate them. And it's rare for men than for women, like women who ejaculate, often can ejaculate, and it doesn't necessarily mean they have an orgasm.

But for men, we typically see it at the same time, which is why I understand your question here. But in some practices, like tantric practices, for example, when men practice tantra, they practice the art of orgasm without ejaculation. It has to do with preserving their Chi or their life force, which is what they call ejaculation. That is a practice of just breathing and circulating their energy through their body while they're aroused. They're just breathing into it.

They practice of picturing their energy moving from their pelvic floor up to their head and then having it loop around. And again, this is a really intense practice, but I have actually no men and I've been with men and I've studied this that can have an orgasm in their body without releasing ejaculation. So they are separate and it can happen with men in other ways as well. They can still feel that feeling of orgasm without ejaculation men who don't have a prostate also don't ejaculate But they can have an orgasm. So it's a little bit different But yes, they are your boyfriend's right and this one they are separate But it's a great question and it's one I haven't talked about a lot. So I appreciate the question. Thank you Jen

We've got tray who's 25? Hi, tray. Hi, Trey. Hi, Dr. Emily. How could I help you? What's going on? So, I suffer, well, I think I suffer from what the internet refers to as death grip syndrome. And that is kind of loosely defined as being able to reach orgasm while masturbating. But due to a repetitive and overly tight grip, use while masturbating, you're not always able to reach orgasm during sex. And in my case,

I also struggled with masturbating without corn for about eight years now. So I think kind of my penis and my brain are kind of very strongly wired to those kind of sensations and that's kind of my, being as am I brain are kind of very strongly wired to those kind of sensations and that's kind of getting rise to issues masturbating without it and maintaining our erection during penetrative sex. So that's kind of causing a lot of stress and guilt and I'm kind of just trying to take towards reversing that and kind of gaining a healthier relationship with masturbating again. Yeah.

Well, it's such a good question. It is really, really common in this death grip. So what we're saying is like your penis sort of becomes desensitized unless you are really like you such a aggressive tight grip that it can be difficult to reach orgasm without holding it. You know, having your hand hold it, it can be harder if you're having sex with someone else or if porn is done, you've gotten these, the scenario set up that you've, you know, having your hand hold it, it can be harder if you're having sex with someone else or if porn is Don you've gotten these the scenario set up that you've you know repeated repeated repeated that that your body becomes used to it

But it doesn't mean that you will be set this way for life, but you just have to Take some action and it's not gonna be easy But it's totally possible and you just have to be patient. Do you masturbate every single day? No, I do not. Okay. Do you always masturbate with porn though when you do? Yes. And when I try to do it without it, my erections definitely aren't as strong. So I have to kind of use even tighter grip to reach orgasm, which then kind of discourages me from doing that because I don't, yeah. Okay, so the first thing I would say that maybe you should say

that you're not gonna masturbate for a week. I know you're not doing it every day, but would you say it's a few days a week? Yes, I'd say so. Okay, so are you with a partner right now? No, I'm actually out of a long-term relationship, six months out of that. Okay, so I would say out of a long-term relationship six months out of that. Okay.

So I would say go for a week and then when you start again, you just want to go into it, masturbating and do it slowly, and see if you can get an erection without manually touching yourself. So it's sort of like you're rebuilding up to that orgasm again and you know porn and that and that is important is bad for you but you use the word for everybody but you use the words that you have you have a problem around porn. And so if you you could either avoid porn or you could just reduce how much that you how much you're going to use it and then you can just try to bring it back into your sex life, but just you wanna do a lighter grip, you wanna use, you know, lube.

You could try the arc wave ion. They call it a pleasure air stoker, and it uses pulsing air to stimulate your penis. That way you don't have to worry about your hand grip, and you can just focus on how it feels. You could even secure the arc wave in between a, you know, cushions in the couch or in your bed. So you have it like sort of stabilized so you don't have to use your hands like hands free stimulation. I don't know if you've

heard about flashlight. It's a masturbation sleeve for a penis. Yes, I've heard of that. And my whole past is I want you to get more connected to your body again. I want you to start to feel the sensations in your body. So you could put a lot of lube in it. Right. And it will feel good. Like it has these ridges in it that kind of mimic the natural sensations of being inside of a vagina. And then every time you bring your hand to it, because what we want to do is your hand is now linked up with your sexual pleasure. Right. Everything surrounding it's all about your hand to it? Because what we want to do is your hand is now linked up with your sexual pleasure. Everything surrounding it's all about your hand.

So what I love about the idea of using something like a masturbation sleeve is that you're going to start to disassociate that pleasure of always eating your hand going to your penis. So then your brain will start to, because what happened is your brain now prefers your hand over anyone else. It's like, give me that hand, we're good to go.

So using something like this, you could just kind of rewire your brain by training for it to get to no sexual satisfaction in a real way. Then you can maybe watch a little bit of porn or maybe you'll find that you just need, you know, later, I wouldn't do hardcore porn if you keep kind of elevating your porn. Have you had to elevate the kind of porn that you watch?

Yeah, that's kind of been my struggle with it. And like, I'd really prefer if I can eventually get to the point where I don't need it, I can just use my creativity in my own mind. I would love that for you too. So if you're willing to maybe not orgasm or not say hard, it's sort of like exercise. Like you want to bench a certain amount of weights, but you're not going to do it on the first day. So this is really just a practice of saying that I'm going to get more comfortable without porn using your mind, using your imagination, getting focused on what does it actually feel like right now? Maybe you're going to get more comfortable without porn, using your mind, using your imagination, getting focused on what does it actually feel like right now, maybe you're gonna try it

for 30 minutes at a time. And then you're gonna start again, the next time, it'll be 45 minutes, and just being okay with not orgasming, usually a lot of lube. All right, excellent, I will definitely give this a try. Let me know how it goes, I'll be here for you, you can email us and let us know we're calling again,

and I'd love to hear it. Absolutely. Thank you so much for calling, I will definitely give this a try. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you. You can email us and let us know we're calling again. And I'd love to hear it. Absolutely. Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it. Bye. I would say all of us who have reliable orgasms in one way have pretty much trained ourselves to orgasm. We do it with our left hand.

We're sitting in this certain position. And we always use lube. We always watch porn. And that's great. I love that everyone can have orgasms. So if you can have an orgasm, that's fabulous. However, everything that is worth having in life takes a little bit of time, takes a little practice,

takes a commitment. So if there's something in your life you want a different kind of orgasm, you're not happy about the way you orgasm. Try this out, This works for anything. If you always masturbate on your stomach, you can flip over on your back. If you always use toys and you want to have an orgasm without a toy,

then take the toy away. And just say, I'm going to start to think my way there. I'm going to use my hands again. I'm going to use lube. I promise you, if you can have an orgasm one way, you can have an orgasm in other ways. But most of us don't want to take the steps. So just have this be a new practice. it out tonight try it with your partner maybe you

guys could have a new like let's try to orgasm differently party you'll be on this same team as each other keep each other accountable so let me now it goes I'm here for you after the break I talked to Teresa who was having trouble reaching orgasm when she first got pregnant, but she found a good hack. It's a good one. Stick around to find out. Okay, this is Teresa. She's a fibel and she's 30 years old. Hi! So tell me what's going on. Hi, so tell me what's going on. Yeah, so to cut to the chase, I find it really hard to orgasm now that I'm pregnant. And everything that you read online, they say like, oh, you know, your orgasms are amazing, like all the blood is rushing there.

And that, it's like the total opposite for me. Like before I got pregnant, I had no problem orgasmic and now it's like so hard. Okay. Well I want to tell you that I don't know what you've been reading online but it's very very common for women to have all different experiences. I've heard that too. Some women say, oh I have the best sex when I'm pregnant. Some women say they do not.

And what I have found though is the third trimester for many women, your uterus can't fully track during an orgasm because of the size of the baby. So you might be extremely stimulated, but unable to have a full-on climax. Okay. You might find that in your first trimester, there was such a big leap that you felt like you, you know, there was an extension or your body, because it's all about anatomy, right? How you're usually orgasm. So things are changing down there, like the parts that were in place to give you orgasm are shifting around. Your body is changing so much right now.

And so it is probably a big change just in the last few months. So I would just say, I promise you you're going to be okay. It's going to come back and you're just getting started with this. So that's why you probably, there's so many different theories about what happens during pregnancy, but for every single woman, it's different. Yes. So for me, one of the first things I noticed was, you know, first trimester year, like super bloated, it's really uncomfortable.

And we normally, like, I normally have sex with my husband at night. So then we switched it up and we said, okay, let's try it in the morning. And that was definitely more comfortable for me. But then your recent podcast from anal August inspired me. So prior to now, we haven't done anything anal and I thought to myself, well, why not, let's try it. So I got a vibrating butt plug and that was a total game changer. Nice, this is amazing. I ended up solving my problem. But yeah, it was just, when this first happened in me, I thought, oh my god, this can't be the next eight months of my life. It's not. And you're already feeling more free and you already took the pressure.

Did you have an orgasm that way with the, um, yeah, and it was amazing. I'm so, this, this is the best analogue story I've ever heard. I'm serious. Yeah. That is what it's for. You know, I love this. I mean, so many many things are gonna, you know, change throughout But look how you just adapted and you're like, okay, I'm gonna try this and there you have your orgasms It's really because you know bodies changing. They're just probably just discomfort right now But sounds like you solved it. No, you will have orgasms. You'll have different kinds of orgasms You have another few months now to see some women. It's I've heard so many. Yeah You're gonna be fine and you're exploring and you're talking to your partner

about it. You're already adapting. You're already saying, okay, we can't do it anymore. Let's have it in the morning. Let's try a butt plug. I can't wait to see where you're gonna go. I don't even know what's gonna happen. We all get so set on how we orgasm.

Yes. And yet once you expand your definition of pleasure and what's possible, find out you just have orgasms in a lot of different ways. Absolutely. And like I said, we never really explored anal before. So this was like, after I came from the first time that we used the vibrating butt plug, all I could keep saying was, that was a lot. Because it was just like so much. It was so intense. Exactly. What did you feel?

And how do you usually orgasm? Do you use the orgasm through penetration? It's a combination of penetration and clitoral. So like, I always orgasm on top. So I'm like kind of grinding on him. And with the butt plug, it's almost like I was vibrating from the inside. It was like I had a vibrator inside my clip.

It was so amazing. It's amazing. It is. I love B-Vib, I don't know which one you got, but I love their butt plugs. Because the thing is that your G-Spot or your internal clitoral nerves, is there's just a very thin membrane between your butt and

and your internal your your G spot. So it's like it makes sense. So it's just like a very thin area. So it that's why you can feel so good for many women. Now there's some vulva owners who just don't have orgasm turnle or their body shaped differently, but for you it sounds like it was a great fit. I mean, that can't their body shape differently, but for you, it sounds like it was a great fit. I mean, that can't feel great for people, but for the way you orgasm and the way your body, your anatomy is, it sounds like it was just right.

Yes, it was. Okay. Thank you so much for calling. You really, this is so, so helpful and congratulations. Thank you so much. Say your first baby. It's my first, yeah, and I just entered my second trimester. Okay.

I'm a little nervous about, you know, the whole labor and delivery and all that, but. I understand that. Keep me posted how it goes though. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well, congrats to you. Thank you so much. Bye. Okay.

Here's the thing about anal exploration. There's just, whatever, whatever gets you excited to try it. Maybe it's just an exploration or maybe your inability to orgasm. This goes for all genders. Try a little anal play. You could try it with a finger. You could try it with a toy. Listen to the recent show we did with Alicia Sinclair

called seducing the booty with Alicia Sinclair. And remember, it's okay to have sex while pregnant. Your baby is protected by amniotic fluids, and you can have great sex because of the blood flowing to your vulva. Just be sure to find good positions for your body since your weight distribution is different and it will be changing throughout your pregnancy. Plus, we have a great article you might like on our site, sexwithemily.com, how to keep having good sex while pregnant. Just have some fun, explore and communicate.

We have Mark 50 in Cincinnati. Hey Mark. Hi, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Thanks so much for calling in. How can I help? I've had a high blood pressure my entire life. It was inherited from my parents both had it and They're and I've been told by doctors that sometimes I can't get off because My blood pressure, you know, I can't I have a great direction, but I can't get off because of my blood pressure And there was other times that I can get off with no problem and there's other times I can't get off because of my blood pressure. And there was other times, I can get off with no problem. And there's other times I can fight with myself have sex for two, three hours and not get off. Is that a cause to high blood pressure?

Yeah, it could be, it's all about blood flow. So if you're having that, there's just limit less blood flow to your penis. And so there is an impact that if you have high blood pressure that that is going to have a direct correlation to your erections. And it won't be every time, but it will could get worse over time. It can also interview with sexual desire. It can impact your ability to ejaculate. So I would definitely talk to a doctor about it. Have you done that yet?

Yeah, I've talked to my doctor. He said, you know, I have no problem getting the erection, but he said, my getting off all the time could be caused by, you know, the high blood pressure. Yes. But there's no problem there because I can stay hard for a while, you know, and I'm not a fast bum number anyway. Well, that's, that's the thing is that it can, it can also impact your ability to have an orgasm, which is frustrating. Yeah, it does do that sometimes and sometimes it don't.

And like I tell my wife, I said, sometimes it don't bother me because it's just, you know, the being able to please her and feel her means more to me sometimes in my own getting all. Well, what about getting your health, you know, in check and seeing a doctor and trying to work on your blood pressure because that would definitely help. Are you to exercise? How's your diet nutrition? Yeah, I exercise.

Well, she told me I went for my annual physical and she told me I needed to get back in the gym to get my numbers back on because the Lucenta program on the highest you can get. You can't get no higher. She says if I can't get my numbers down, she'll have to add another pill. Well, you are taking medication right now. Yes. That's also going to impact your ability to ejaculate. Okay. And I'm telling you, getting your blood flow going and exercising will help every area of

your life, including your erections, your ability to have desire and ejaculate. So because it's blood flow, so you're circulating, if you're getting exercise and you're moving your body, it's going to impact penis, you're going to have more blood flow everywhere you want it. Yeah, that's what I told you. I said, the more I exercise, the better off it is for me. Yes. Can you get a workout body? Can you put it your schedule? We all have the same hours in the day. And if you know that it's going to help you with your sex life and your

connection with your wife, that should be, you know, I don't know what you're, what motivates you. But to me, that sounds like a good reason to get into a workout routine. Well, we've been together a little over a year and a half. We just got married May 1st. And ever since we've been together, there's a night we don't, unless she's really, really tired, we pretty much have sex every night of the week. But we change it up. Like when she's off and she don't have to work the next day, we'll, we'll explore, you know, like tying her up and things like that. But during, during the week, when she has to be up at four in the morning, sometimes

we don't get to do a lot of exploring. Okay. A lot of play. Sounds fun though, maybe on the weekends or you get a hotel room or something. Yeah, I listen to your podcast and I love them and it's helped me so much with what I've tried some of the things you said and it's really made an impact with her. It's like really turned her on because I with back to the line of quarters I can get her off. Sometimes I she can have multiple orgasms. That's amazing. I'm so glad.

Well, that's why we're here. That's why I'm here to help. So I really listen to you guys a lot and I appreciate all the advice because I started right before when I got with her, I've been exploring anal and I've checked with my doctor and they said just because they said guys got the same sensors as women do. Yes. You know how I feel about anal for all. Started exploring. I've got to get a trainer kit so I can because the thing that I got that I had her put a strap on on use, it was just too small. You know, she was too short. So it was actually hard for her to get some good movement. So okay.

Slowly experimenting that way. She don't want it, but I told her I meant willing to try it. Okay. Great. That's I'm so happy to hear that. Frostate, female G's body could be, you know, I think that you'll like it. Yeah, part of my problem, my doctor said I have an enlarged prostate too, so it shouldn't be hard to hit. You know, okay. Okay. Well, keep your health in check. I love this. I love that you guys are exploring. Let your wife know that you called in and that you're working on this

because maybe she can encourage you to work out. Maybe you can work out together. You got this. We just released a really great episode with the guys from Mind Pump. It's called Sexually Fit. And it just came out last week, but we talk a lot about working out

and how it directs the impact your sex life. So you might want to listen to that one as well. I did. I listened. Oh, good. I listened to it on the way home. I had to get a 10-6 seed. listened. Oh good. I listened to it on the way home. I had to get a 10, 6, see my dad's, I listened to it on the way home while she was sleeping. Oh, I love it.

Well, you sound like really loving your into this. I would just get your health and check and take care of yourself. I'm so glad that the show's helped you. Stay in touch. Yes, it has. Thank you so much. Bye, Mark.

Let me know. I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but truly our health, our nutrition, the foods we put in our body, how much we move our body. All are going to have a direct impact on our sex life and our ability to feel pleasure. You know, like Dr. Amin says, he's been on a few shows with us. Dr. Daniel Amin says, you know, the problems, if you're problems in your brain, you or probably you can have it in your penis. And I just think we don't realize how interconnected all of these things are. If you're taking a medication, it might be impacting your ability to get a rec.

Stay hard, have an orgasm. So, in keeping your health top of mind and seeing doctors, we also have to keep moving our bodies because there's direct correlation between our health levels and our abilities to experience pleasure. I know there's a lot that they fake tension to do when it all matters. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to

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