Sex With Emily - Who Do You Attract & Why?

Episode Date: August 15, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is discussing the traits that fit your specific “type” of person and why these characteristics tend to go overlooked – and she’s answering your calls. She talks about attracting either your opposite or another version of yourself when dating, ways to get your partner to improve their dirty talking skills during sex, and what it means to be asexual.  Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Emily’s Subscription Box, We-Vibe Vector, Adam & Eve, SiriusXM, In Control Intensity  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about having a type when dating and how science actually backs us up. Because believe it or not, there are patterns and traits that may go overlooked. And I'm answering your calls. Topics include, yes, opposites to attract, but what if we're really looking for is another version of ourselves? How to get your husband to put the dirty in his dirty talk? What does it really mean to be asexual? And learning new ways to spice up your sex life is really exciting, trust me. But sometimes we bite off more than we can chew.

How do you pace yourself while still keeping it hot? All this and more, thanks for listening. Who is Ise? They're the Ise of a man obsessed by sex. Ise that mock our secret institutions. Betrub Ise, they call them a lie-gone day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hairstand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so proud.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemle.com. You can check out our website and all of our podcasts. We do three podcasts a week. So thanks everyone for subscribing and checking them out

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across the board, it's at Sex With Emily. All right, guys, I hope you enjoy the show. Let's talk about types for a minute. All right, there is a, which makes sense. There is a consistency among people's current and past partners. And partners are less like we are. So you know, we're like, oh, he's just like me.

I like him. She's great. Typically, that's not true, which makes sense that we would date someone who's not like us. But then we would date that person over and over and over again. The reason why I like this, because it was like a very detailed study, like they talked to your current partner, like your exes.

And they went back and they like, did like double blinds little scary though Someone talking to all of your partners. I'd be like I kind of I always kind of want to do that but like behind one of those like in Cherokee Mirrors like the two-way mirrors exactly I would love to yes exactly that's something I think there's a lot of information or X's that's why I'm friends with them, I feel like you could learn a lot, right? So they sampled their current and they sampled their past partners and some of the questions were like, you know, I am usually modest and reserved, I'm interested in many different kinds of things, I make a plan and carry it out.

And they would find that the degree of consistency from relationship suggests that we do have a type. Now why does that matter? Like, why is that important? Well, we might date types because it's the same type. Like, if you ever say like, we were talking earlier on the shoulder, your picker's broken, right? That's what we like to say.

It's like, oh, God, I keep picking them wrong. People like, every woman I date is an available. Every guy I date is a jerk. We hear all these things. I mean, it's typical to what I would say is if it's unhealthy, you probably know. You're like, this type isn't good for me. Maybe it's an addiction.

Maybe it's someone who's abusive. Like even verbally abusive, a lot of times we're attracted to what isn't healthy. It could be most things are patterns for childhood, which is why we all need therapy. So it's some kind of unhealthy relationship, maybe that's playing out, but for whatever reason, we get locked into a type that we find arousing,

and then that's the person that we date. Now, sometimes that can be a good thing, not all traits that repeat themselves are unhealthy. Like, for example, if you constantly date people who need more nurturing, or you like to teach things, and you seem to date people who need the nurturing, or you like to teach them how to cook,

or how to be more more athletic or help them with whatever your helper and that that feels good to you. So maybe that could be a helpful trait. However, they can also be negative, right? They're like I said, like if you always date addicts or people who are abusive to you. So I think what you have to do them, if you keep finding its type that's not working for you is this is when I say when you when you end a relationship It's so important to take the time and like look at what actually worked for you What didn't work for you and like get specific and then you can like even I think it's so great to write down things that you love Traits that you didn't and then when you're fired like what even like do your own sexual history

Your own partner history Here's the last eight guys I dated women I I dated, and like what was good, what was bad, I think you're going to find the same things here. But you can do your own research, we're like, okay, I definitely want someone who's generous, and I definitely want someone who's loving, who likes touch, who's outdoorsy, whatever. But I don't want someone who works all the time, who's an introvert, who doesn't work out. And then you could kind of, it'll make it so much easier when you move out into the world. So, just so you know, it is true you have a type and you also have the ability to choose it if you want. I've found that my type is like, I think I find these different guys there.

I'm like, oh, they're so different like they have different jobs and they have different values. They have different things. But then at the core of them, when I get to know them, the more they lack maturity is emotionally. That always happens. No, but like really so like they're very much more feminine than I expect. More feminine. And not in a bad way.

And feminine or is it more not emotionally? Well, they're, oh, not, I guess feminine is the wrong word. I guess they're more like needy emotionally. Like they try to play their not, but they are. Or like I always have to end up being like the one that's like Not complaining about the feelings and the things But what if you did what if you did bring in your feelings more into it see if you change who you are If you change your behavior in response to them, so if I was more emotionally involved in the in the beginning

Yeah, they might be less Well, the like those partners might not be track you might not be track the same people right away It's a coming of stasis like we change our behavior and people change around us. So oh, that's so scary You got to feel stuff you got to be vulnerable like right away. It's a hard yeah, okay No, but you're right that makes that makes sense. I guess I know that but I don't want to do it I know you're not ready yet. What's okay? What's a good way to kind of trick yourself into thinking that or believing that vulnerability is a safe zone Because I feel like a lot of us struggle with that. I think you have to It's a really good question

I mean you have to like practice it you have to know that like whatever your vulnerability is, is allows you to be more real, more authentic, and more lovable. Because if there's something that you're hiding from, well, that's even from ourself, but from our partners, like, and other things, it all comes down the first date, but you're loved ones.

The things that we are so shameful of, and the things that we hide, and we think no one's gonna love us, and we're not lovable, you'd be surprised at what magic happens when you actually tell your story when you're actually honest and real and vulnerable. And that's where the magic in life happens. And then you find someone who actually like receives that and nurtures it.

It's like, oh, thank you for sharing that with me. I see you so much more now. I don't know like our biggest fear is that we're going to be open about saying and then everyone's going to abandon us and leave us. And sure that could happen, not everyone, but people could be like, Oh, God, you're too much for me. Oh, I don't want to hear that. Well, then that's not going to go.

I, but the more you practice, like that's what I want to tell you all is that you, we're all holding back with this fear of this crazy fear of that people are going to leave us if we show them who we really are, but don't we want to be who we really are? Like eventually we're going to be who we really are, but don't we want to be who we really are? Like eventually we're gonna be who we really are. Right? Yes! So just then you practice that everywhere you are. Mm-hmm. And then life is a lot easier.

I mean, really just... It makes a lot of sense. Yeah, like, and I get it to, like, it's different at different ages and all that, but like, I'm just telling you, it shouldn't be. Like, the more you start practicing that, you're just gonna be able to move through it and find the people that can...

Are accepting of it too, yeah. Absolutely. It's true. I have a question about types. Yes. So I feel like me personally, I want to find someone who's most like me. Very similar. Do you... I mean, some people are like opposites to track. I don't think so. I don't think so. Looks like I like dark hair, light eyes. Like I like someone who is able to have an intellectual conversation. But I also like someone who likes to be quiet at the right time too.

Like I don't like to be talking all the time, which I found out earlier. But right. Okay, so I mean, but honestly, like I think you could still find someone who is very much like you in those ways, but very much unlike you in other ways. I also think that something like, to me, yes, there are certain things, to me, that's not the things, that seems like basic things that you could pretty much find. Maybe they won't have light eyes in the dark hair, but you could definitely, they will,

perhaps, maybe not both of those. But definitely, I think those things are important. You want someone who isn't talking all of the time, and someone who is, what are the other things? Who's in smart? My main question is like, I would never not do anyone who's smart. Do you feel like you were looking for

the male versions or female versions of ourselves? That's more my question. I think some people are, but I don't think that, I mean, I think some people are, but I don't think I would, I think I'm that, I mean, I think some people are, but I don't think I would, I think I'm just looking for energy, like who am I connecting with? I don't necessarily think that they need to do all these things that are like me,

but I also wonder if it's like, is it about like reproduction? Cause you're like, I wanna make good babies together? I do want my kids look like me, but the other thing, the other thing is I just feel like when you have to compromise, the more you have to compromise with whoever you're with, that just creates more situations where you guys could fight. So for me, it's about, I want to be happy with this person

and I know I'm not going to be happy if I have to compromise all the time. Right. What we do, what we listen to. So for me, my type is very much me, but the male version. Right. I mean, you know, hey, some people, you always hear, like, you're dating yourself. I don't think that's wrong, but also, the thing I get worried with you is that it's so specific, about the needs that, like, I think part of you might be surprised

that there might be some blonde guy that might not talk a lot ambiore intellectual intellectual and that, you know what I'm saying, you will find it, but to me, like, I don't want to ever compromise if I'm going to be with someone for even a night that is annoying to be with because they're talking too much or too little or whatever my things are. So like, to me, that's not just like you that's just things you prefer. So I think reframing that, like, no, it's important to me that someone smart and we have a good conversation.

I don't want to be talking all the time that would drive me insane. I don't want, you know, like that to me isn't necessarily saying they're just like you except for the dark hair thing, which I understand that. But I don't know. I can give or take on the, like I do have a list. Physical stuff, but I can like obviously, I know not everyone's gonna have the same list,

but when it comes to type, I just feel like, I don't know, some people go for like the opposite. Well, I mean, it can be rough. Well, because I'm the person, I'm seeing someone kind of right now that's very similar to me. And I'm finding that it's refreshing, but also a lot to take in. Because I'm like, oh my God, you are,

your friends are constantly hitting you up and you do talk a lot, but then it's like, it's just, I'm like, oh my God, it's like, because there are the parts, the annoying parts of me that I'm sure to other people are coming out. So I'm like, okay, I'm starting to figure out, can I, do I really want someone so similar?

And like trying to, you try to eventually find the differences so that you, because it's nice to learn something new, you know? So at least that's how I see that. It's good to a degree, but you gotta have a little. I mean, I understand things that I want that I don't want, but I think it's just really, you're so specific with it

that maybe that's to be a little bit of loosening up around it, because a longer the list, I think you can have whatever you want, but it might not come in the package that you think it looks like, or you might not know right away. Yeah, that's what I think, but I think that everyone wants people you know You'll figure out what you want when you you'll figure it out when you know it when you find it

But I'm also saying just be careful that you're not You're not keeping people away Because you think they're not a certain way, but maybe they will and if you give a chance It's interesting I give them all a chance Just for the record, my experience is blonde, and that's very much not my type. So there you go. No, I have my things too. I don't think you have to necessarily compromise.

I'm just saying, be also have an element of being open to things don't always look like what we do. Like you being open to people that are short and it's a few tall. I was thinking bad. I didn't want to say that, but I can't. I can't always look like what we. Like you being open to people that are short and it's a key toll. I was thinking that. I don't wanna say that right here. I can't. There are people.

I'm not even close. I'm not even close. Not even what about my height. I'm pretty tall. I'm like 5'10. Is this still too short? I'm not done yet. I know.

It's just not attractive. I get it. I'm not done yet. I'm not done yet. Everyone has that thing that they're like, that's what I'm not gonna bet on. That's the deal breaker. I mean, that's the thing.

And that's, I think that's fine. So do you think it's fine to have, yeah, I don't know. You think like the more specific, because like you see, you really know what you're like, like for christened, she really knows what she likes, but that limits, you know, your choices. Why haven't relationships worked out? Right, that's a great question.

My number one answer would be that I Don't want to settle. Okay, and I feel like it's been the wrong time with some men like they are not ready For this means they're the wrong one Because timing is a real thing. I think timing is a real thing. So, but I got some more time. Yeah. I guess I got some time. Oh, she's got time.

I'm not gonna get out of time. I think it's important to be specific. And you're like, you're, I mean, the lists are great, but it's a kind of list that's a very more of a like, like a thought like we've talked about right now, like you're the things that you're non-negotiables that you want to partner that you don't. And it sounds like you've done that.

Absolutely. That was, yeah. Do you believe that opposites attract, well, attract, do you believe opposites work well? I think everything can work. Like, you know what I mean? There's so many variables that's hard to say, like, they're so opposite. And then you people who are born in the same town and live next to each other in their life and they're exactly the same.

So I think love is, there is no, love is not formulaic relationships and even sex isn't truly in so many ways. But especially love, I think you've seen everything work across the board. Like I like typically who are opposite. Like I think, why I think that's interesting. And when we say opposites, what does it even mean? You'll probably find when you say opposites that there are core things that are actually really similar.

But on the outside, it looks really opposites. Right. So, you know, but I think typically we like the opposite because it's novelty and it's new and exciting. We constantly learning like we're so different. Oh my God, our backgrounds are so different. So typically I have data people who are very different from me and where I come from, but, you know, all different things have worked.

All right, guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. All right, we have Jessica who's 40 in Florida and she said that her boyfriend does not like dirty talk, but she does. Okay. Hey, Jessica. Hi. Hi, thanks for calling. Okay. So tell me what happened.

What's going on with your boyfriend? You were like, talk dirty to me. He's like, no, what happened? Yeah, so we've been together for years now. So I'm pretty open and he is pretty open, but I'm still much more so than he is. So when it comes to me wanting to talk to her here, which is more vulgar, which is something we definitely don't do during a normal day time, he doesn't

respond back instead. He's more of a loving talk. Right. Oh, baby. Making love. Okay, yeah. But not when like you want to have sex. So, you know, I was thinking, I'm going to get crazy and we're going to get drunk and then I'm going to stay what I want to stay. And next day hope it got on it and Yeah, you do the same, but it doesn't work out that way. I get like Oh, right, you're like no that was the anti-turn me on word right. You're like that. Just maybe lose it So place what here's the thing about it I'm sure that you want to please you and talk to her to. Is that you've been together for a few years, you said.

And so the problem is, is that you just doing it once or twice, he's not gonna change a lifetime of not knowing how to talk dirty and how to start it, right? It's like when people call in, they're like, I don't know how to initiate sex, because I've never done it. We're like, just initiate sex. So it's kind of the same thing.

So I feel like, have you talked to him ever outside the bathroom Jessica, like, hey, I think Dirty Talk would be hot, or was this more like in the moment, you kind of up the ante? No, I kind of, I was kind of excited, but not like, like, you know, I'd be around the bush maybe too, but I could,

I could, it's so awkward for me to just kind of wear that even in you. I know, I mean, I think he just, first of all, our partners never, we always think our partners are mind readers and they never pick up on our hands. Like they just don't. And so, but then that I understand why also you get upset because we're like, how do they not know? So that's why I'm telling you they didn't pick up on it. He's been having sex with you and probably his entire life the same way.

And a few times you threw in like, you know, some dirty talk. I was gonna say like fuck me, whatever. He was like, oh, it might have freaked him out, might have been the way he was brought up and he's never done it. So I think what you have to do, and this will help you in every ear of your sex life, Jessica. The next time you guys are together and it's chill

and you're hanging out and it's a chill. Remember, the sex talk is not a stressful conversation and you're like, you know what? Think about you and sex life and I love what we're doing. And I want to talk about Dirty Talk because it's one of my fantasies, and I know it might be awkward, but there's some words I find really hot.

And then just make it playful with him and laugh about it, Jessica. Can you do that? Because I know this sounds really scary right now, but if you're like, this is the words I like, and then you guys could do a little role-playing like over wine at dinner or like when you're out or wherever, talking about it, could you give him some suggestions?

And like you guys create your own list. So are they positive with that and not specifically say, and I don't like the word to you. But I try to go more on wildlife. You could say yes. I don't like it when he refers to pieces of my body the way he does. Like, well, yeah, like give me an example. Like does he say pussy and you don't like it? No, I would.

You like pussy. But what else? A her. A her? He's like, she's so pretty. A her. Okay. Something like that.

Yeah. And then I'm like, that's weird. You know what you could say? You could look at him. Like, I don't know if he's like a touch guy or what his love language is. But if you let's say he's touching you, look at him and you're holding his face, you're rubbing his arm and you're like, you know what babe? Let's say he is touches his love language, right?

And you're just like, and your earth's word, you're so sexy. When you say these things and you don't be really hot, like if you say, like, babe, I want to like, lick your pussy. And I'm like, I kind of like that better than when you say her. And when you're doing that, you're like looking in his eyes and you're like tracing his, his, his hand, his face with your hands or you're like touching him. And when you're doing it in that way, that's like very positive. I mean, just see how it goes. I think you're going to find that this is the best way to communicate literally everything when you're

speaking your partner's language and you're saying it in a like a way that's calm and explaining it to them. So I think me not to feel embarrassed to do that, what do you recommend? I'll think because in the moment I would be okay, I'm going out of my boundary, but I know that's what I like. Right. But in the moment it doesn't work, in the moment of sex, you mean? In the moment, I would be good at it, but like sitting down to talk about it.

Well, here's the thing, don't make it like sitting down to talk about it. Make it like you guys are hanged. Do you guys ever have conversations that are just like cat, when you guys feel the most comfortable with each other? Do you guys have a date this weekend or this week? It's 4th of July. Are you going on a road trip? In fact, one of my best advice for having a sex conversation, I don't know if you're going

to have kids in the car, but like literally in the car because you don't have to make eye contact, but it's still intimate because no one can hear you. So that's a great time. And you could even say to him, babe, this is awkward. I'm going to tell you right now, I've never had this conversation, but I know I love you so much that I really think it's important. We, I love us to talk more about our sex life when we both want. So if you make it about both of you, like, let's talk about we both want. So then here's a thing, Jessica, this isn't just about your need. And also, and then you're just like, listen, this is, I want to talk about dirty stuff. And you say, I know this is a little bit awkward for me, but I've been thinking about it and just be honest. And I can't promise you that you won't

feel awkward and you might not stumble and it might, and you might giggle, but that's okay. And then you get past that and it gets a lot easier. And also remember, this is not the only time you're going to talk about it. You've been together a long time, so it could be one conversation and then you bring it up again. Because who changes from one conversation? Like zero people had one conversation about something with their partner and it changed forever. Like especially learning a new skill like this. So go go easy on yourself that this is the one shot. Okay Jessica, just say we're going to start. I'd love us to start talking about our sex in yourself that this is the one shot. Okay Jessica? Just

say we're going to start. I'd love us to start talking about your sex more. That could be the first time. All right. Sounds good. I'll go ahead and give it a try. Okay. Give me post. Give me post it on everything Jessica. I will be here. Thank you so much for calling. We have a mic on the phone. His 45 in New York and he needs help on how to improve his masturbation sessions. Hey Mike, happy to help. How can I help you? Hey, how are you? I'm so good, thanks for calling in. Yeah, I'm 45, I'm happily married, been married for 23 years, and I really enjoy masturbating still. Great.

But when I'm with my wife and we're having sex, I have absolutely no problem at all getting in the direction and coming in and ejaculating. But when I masturbate, I have a really difficult time now getting in the direction. Interesting. Okay, so when did the start? Because you've always masturbated. Yeah, I've always masturbated. Right. And regularly, often, but now I've gotten older. I don't do it as often, and I've had to introduce different things to get a rousal. And when I do it.

And such as I do have a a panny in a panny hose fetish okay cool that I've had since I was probably 13 years old to be honest with you but it's just getting harder and harder now so even the pannies aren't working anymore like if you take them out or you wear them or something that's still not doing it for you. It does. I mean, I do enjoy wearing them and shopping for them and stuff like that. But it's just, I just don't know. Well, here's the thing. So tell me what happens when you go to masturbate and you start thinking about things, are you watching porn, are you thinking about touching yourself, what happens?

Yeah, definitely. Watch porn. I like to put them on and touch myself and I just don't reach that. I mean, it happens. What if you don't use them? What about if you, it sounds like, does it feel good the sensation of the underwear, like the fabric? Absolutely.

So what might be cool then is to try some sensation play with some other things. So a few suggestions are going through my mind, getting a masturbation sleeve, like something like... I actually have... Okay. I do have a flashlight. And how's that feel?

I actually prefer the flashlight quickshot. Oh yeah, we love the quickshot. It's easier, cleaner. I think the quick... Yeah, I think it actually feels better than the actual sleeve. Yeah. I think it actually feels better than the actual sleeve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, I mean, that works, but it's just, you know, sometimes it is a little time consuming to be honest with you. Right. Right. What else? I'm trying to think about some other sensation plays like if you use some play with like hot and cold lubes or like the lubes that we have that have the different, or like textures, like what if you played with

like cold and hot sensations, like there's a hot and cold loobs, like they're tingling, they're a little bit of like a tingling sensation could feel good. Have you ever done any prostate play? Have you ever been curious using a prostate toy? A little bit, to be honest with you.

Okay, I mean, I mean, I've been a little curious. I just don't, you know, you really don't understand because it's like, when I'm with my wife, it's just, it's excellent. Because she, you know, she actually helps me out. She actually buys stuff for me. So it's like, we're pretty open, we're pretty open that way.

Okay, I love it. What about mutual masturbation? Do you guys ever do any mutual masturbation? Yes. Okay. Absolutely all the time. I'm trying to think it sounds like it's more like a mental thing. How many times has happened? I'm wondering if it's just been a few, has it been going on for a while? I think it's probably been going on more or less than the last probably a year or so, a year or two years.

Has anything else changed in your life? Like are you taking medication? You're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest,

probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at the rest, probably you're at Are you healthy? Yes, absolutely. Healthy, pretty active.

What about... Do you use lube when you masturbate and do you ever use different positions? Do you ever do like standing up or in the shower, doing things that are just like out of your routine? Yes, lube. Sometimes lubeb is just too sensitive sometimes. Like it's just, I know that sounds probably weird when it's like, it just makes sense. Nothing sounds weird to me, so.

Literally nothing. So I'm just trying to think of it. It's a mind like what about some new, we were talking earlier in the show about like, you know, using, do you ever like fantasize about your wife or go back to things you guys have done in the past or create a radica together? What if you guys like, you know, did some videos of you guys having sex together and you watch that? Or you said she helps you and you're together. Can you ever hear her words in your head when you're

masturbating? Can you ever like pre-plan your masturbation session? Like, I feel like it's almost like an athlete going into something and they didn't do any prep, right? Like they just show up and they hadn't been training and it feels like you You going in your bedroom right now and just started or whenever you masturbate is now attached to anxiety for you Because you feel like it's not gonna work. So what if you create some kind of Pre-mastervation ritual where you're getting yourself turned on in the mood You start thinking about in the morning and you're like it's gonna go this way And this is what I'm gonna do and and it's all like it's all it's really like a What's it worth like you're our manifesting masturbation like you're really thinking about how you want it to go down and all your thinking

As how it's gonna feel what you're gonna think about what toy you're gonna use what lub you're gonna use Without the like because right now if you have don't have sex in your mind and you walk into your bedroom put your pants on You like oh shit, it's not going to happen you know what I mean so it's like getting yourself all revved up for it. Feel that I like the verbal aspect of it like hearing it and communicating and I guess like talking talking as it's happening. Right. When I'm with my wife I find that to be the most erotic part of it.

Yeah, I'm just like, what if, okay, so I don't know, she could record something for you? Like, oh, your wife could, your wife could record her voice talking to you. Like, what if she did that? What if you recorded one of your sex sessions? What she care? Would that seem weird to you? Probably not. I mean, I honestly, if you know what works for you, I am all for you being like, you might

have I record this on audio? Or I don't know. I agree with you. And it's funny because I mean, in that moment, like I could hear the same, like if she told me a story, I could hear the same story a hundred times and it would still work. So why don't you have a record for some of her best dogs? I had a boyfriend like that. He's like, tell me about the time you had that three-sem

or tell me about this and they always want to hear it. He never got old. He's like, tell me that story again. So I hear what you're saying, and you guys have been together for 23 years. So what about when you guys are hanging out at home or maybe she's driving in the car so you can talk into her phone and record them for you?

I think these are a lot of different things. I think you got to be free, and it's all going to come back. You're 45, you're young, nothing to... Doesn't sound like you know, you're normal, modest, stressed, because we all have it. And as long as we don't make this a problem, we make it more like a new challenge that you're going to work on with your wife together

to make you know, bring back your great masturbation. And then it'll also probably help your sex life, which is already amazing, but they'll help, they'll inform each other. All right? I appreciate your help. So my pleasure. It was fun talking to you. Thanks, Mike.

We have a Kristen, 45 in Illinois, and she wants to know what the meaning of being asexual is. Okay. Hey, Kristen, thanks for calling. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. So ask away. Well, I guess my main question is that I was in a discussion with my sisters and my

good friends and I haven't been in a relationship for like probably three and a half years and that last relationship was my first relationship with a woman and I've had relationship with guys before but you know it's one of those things that I dress the fine as myself being alone now is just because I'm extremely busy. And I just don't have a desire to be in a relationship. But I kind of got called out is I think you have to be asexual. You're 45 years old.

Oh, no. I've been told my sisters. And it's like, maybe my sexual, these like a little bit more fluid because my last relationship was with a woman. But it's not like I'm actively seeking right now, but you have to be asexual. If you're not a woman, you're not a woman. No. No, no.

Asexual, asexual is a thing, but it's like 1% of the population is asexual. And they don't have sexual feelings. They might have romantic feelings, but we know, Kristen, that you can be sexual and that you have been sexual. And you're out of it. And it is true that for most, most of us sexuality is on a spectrum. It's like the kinsy scale. So you don't have to decide if you want to be with men or women.

It sounds like that's just, I don't think we have to define that. That you're attracted to or what, you know, we don't have to put a label on it, but what I'm gonna tell you is that like, as we get older, it's two, you're 45, so maybe there's like some hormonal changes happening and it's just not top of mind. But that, but I always say, you know,

the brain is the largest sex organ, so we have to get our brain on board for sex, you know, and this is why it's important to keep all that self-loving, masturbation. I'm telling you, sex beget sex. And so if we don't, if we don't, and I'm not going to say if we don't use it, we lose it because you can, you never really lose it, but you got to keep it going. Just like working out, right? If you go to the gym twice a year, you're not in great shape.

So getting, and then once you start to like get acquainted with your body again, orgasms touching, then you'll, you'll start to get acquainted with your body again, orgasm is touching, then you'll start to feel more in your body. You'll start to feel more sexual again. And then when you're out in the world, you might find yourself being attracted to people and putting that energy out there because it is all energy. It really is. Exactly. And that was pretty much my discussion, but it just kind of got me thinking, because I'm

just like, well, wait a second there. You know, is that, I mean, I think I know what the, what the street definition of asexual just pretty much like you just don't, you don't have a preference and you just kind of like, you just, basically calling to my friends at my sister thing, you're just like, give them out, but I'm like, no. It's just such a difference. I know there's stuff that's one model going on, and you that just don't have, just situation I just don't have a desire. Of course, every now and then I'm like, you'll be nice to have someone to be in a relationship.

I miss that aspect. It's not just a human being, you miss that, but it's not like I'm defined or I'm searching. And that's actually not a helpful conversation. It sounds like that could be a sister conversation, but it's not helpful. You're not asexual. You would already know if you were asexual would have been something that's been with you for your lifetime.

So right now, you're on a little break, but if it's something that you are interested in, I think like I said, just keep your sex top of mind, in the sense of like, I don't to add another thing to your list, but taking time masturbating, getting to know your body, putting yourself out there, but there's nothing wrong, you know. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Of course. Thank you, Kristen. Thanks for coming. That's what I'm here for. I want to set your mind at ease. It's a lot of what we do.

All right, we have Tony, 43 in North Dakota. He's been trying to do things with his wife who's overwhelmed by bondage and toys. Okay. Hey Tony, thanks for calling. How can I help you? Hi. Hi. Well, so we did the... I introduced a lot of other things that you probably have seen, like the yet normal baby test. Okay, great. And so, some of the things that we were brought up is self-pleasuring bondage, using toys and everything. I'm just wondering if we are overwhelming ourselves

and blowing our minds too much with all this spec. Well, tell me what's happening, Tony. So back up. So how long have you guys been together? We've been married for 14 years, going on 15. So tell me when you're so lately. I've married with kind of Beck Wicks. Okay. It's for the last couple of years. And after I've very late listening to you, I brought up some ideas and she was very excited about it. Okay. So then what happens is you start getting some toys and then now I'm trying to understand

so right now you think it's just too much now you guys are like like you have like a well tell me Just I'm afraid that it could be too much. I don't know yet. I mean we're very excited But I guess I don't want to go full steam ahead and then then we had a wall. Well have you talked to about it? I mean the cows that go and when did you guys start getting all the toys and stuff? Actually a couple weeks ago we had a, we talked about it a week before that but a couple of weeks ago we really started getting more intimate and taking things to a newer level which has been so great for us. I'm so glad.

I was just worried. I was just worried, you know, we're breaking out of our shells. This is great. So I think this is, yeah. Well we're breaking out of our shells. This is great. So I think this is, yeah. Well, Tony, I think that's amazing. I think right now you're just experiencing that fear because you're like, wow, I thought our sex life was just gone. I was sparing it.

And now it's so good that it's scary that it could go away. And then you're afraid you're going to mess it up because it does feel so good. Yeah. I mean, if you- Some of the things we're still not in an experience with a lot of these things. You know, like we were trying to do this bondage. I mean, if you- Some of the things we're still not an experience, a lot of these things. We are trying to do this bondage. I just found out that we're using something the wrong way.

We're still an experience. No, of course. Tell me what I could definitely help you with that. But there are some really interesting bondage, some BDSM, or you into submission plays? Is that what you guys are? What are you guys doing? Yeah, I mean, we're doing that. It's all across the board. We're trying to explore everything.

I mean, she was, even down to oral sex, she was very hesitant, and now she's very open about it now. Okay. Well, maybe you just slow it down. Tell me what you were using wrong first of all tell me what you got that because i want to help you with that because believe me that happens though people always call and they're like i got the toy

and i charge it and i put it on you know it's got to help people sometimes we're glad you purchased it but tell me what tell me what it is we're gonna walk you through this because i think maybe we do have to slow down a little bit well i mean like she had a couple toys that uh that she just opened up that she's had and we thought they were broken, but she has a, I don't know, it's like a rabbit, I think. And then we got me, sorry, a searing that has a bigger one on it. Got great, yep, perfect.

And then we got some funnitch stuff. So, you know, just try and explore and figure out how to do it all. Okay, we're kind of old school and we're, we're, our expectations are always the old ways and just try to help each other. Okay, well I think, so it sounds like you guys are like, I love that you got like all the goods, you know, you got all the equipment and you got all the camping gear.

It's like you're going camping, you got all the gear. But then you're like, but we don't have a map and we don't know where we're going. So it sounds like there might be a little bit time to kind of slow down and maybe do a little bit of research. I gotta tell you, there's gotta be some, I mean, some time where you guys are talking about like some safe words.

Like is she gonna be dominating you or are you dominating her? Are you like maybe just take off. You said you did the yes, no, maybe less. Maybe start with one thing. At a time, was it now, what was it that I need to know what you were using wrong? Because I'm here and then we got coyote here. She's she's this certain general of sex toys. Was it the cock ring? Was it the was it the what was the thing yeah I don't think we're doing well I don't know we're doing anything around I mean she's she's being pleased more than she's ever been and I'm so excited to do that okay but it's I don't know

I it's all new to us right right just I'm trying to find like you said that roadmap yeah well I feel like I feel like what is, have you guys talked about it outside the bedroom? Have you said, so what do you think about last night? Or is it just more, you know it? Okay. Go ahead. It's been more amazing than we've ever done. We're excited to explore more, you know, to the point where you're your dream of having moved in every corner. I'm going to try to get some

move. Good. And you know, it's actually a loop on every nightstand, but every corner would. I know. Yeah. I know like the thing won't. No, you're adorable. I want to send you some. I got this with my help too.

Yeah, no, it sounds like you're just having a little bit of like, like, I'm trying to think Jamie what we could do, like, maybe some scenarios that you got place. So if you got some bondage stuff, it's just fun to start with a blindfold, right? So some dominant, some misive play when when she's blindfolded and then you could kind of play with some different sensations, you could do some massage, you could do some, you know, some tickling, using some feathers and different things. That's a nice easy way to ease into bondage. Once you get more advanced, there are safe words involved. We have a bunch of great blogs on our website, sexwithamily.com.

We could put a few on the show notes for you right now. But it sounds like she's having pleasure. She's been happy with it. I'm trying to get to new tonies or something that's working for you? Because I'm not quite getting that right now. Or is it like something happened? You're like, yeah, tell me. I guess I'm trying to focus on her more. You're not getting your needs met. Well, I think I am. I'd like to get a little bit maybe more.

Okay. And, you know, I know on the beginning or show, you're talking about toys and I don't know if there's anything for men, but you know, I'm just trying to think of what I can have that we can have together that we meet. Well, okay, so that sounds great. So you're like, she comes first, like we always say, like, you've taken care of her. So now it's like, Tony, what's interesting to you? So you've got a cock ring.

That's kind of a more of a couples toy. But you could wear that during intercourse and that will like you know That could feel great to you and allow her to have an orgasm perhaps and just some more pleasure for both of you But you might want to like look at if you're interested in masturbation sleeve something like the hot octopus is a really fun toy the pulse The pulse duo the pulse three Is a great toy that she could actually use as well

and the kind of rub on top of you with that. There's like a grinding set, like you can put on your penis. It actually oscillates, it's not really a vibrator, it like twirls around your frendulemon, it feels amazing. And that's more like if you guys do some mutual masturbation, like she could use her rabbit and then you can use this hot octopus toy. And it just, I don't know, I gave it to a to a guy once he's like I believe I haven't left my apartment in two weeks I'm like oh it's amazing. So you might like that you might also like some prostate play that could be fun for you too. If you're interested in that I've got some toy recommendations. Yeah I mean I was originally saying no to that and then when we did that test I said well

maybe. Oh okay so that was a maybe on your list and Nero says a great thing that tried in line which is great for beginners. So I feel like maybe you guys can pull out that yes no maybe list remember of these conversations that we have with our partners the sex talk is not a one-time conversation. We have it over and over again but it becomes like a happy it's like you guys are sharing something together so maybe when we hang up or she comes home tonight you guys can actually say like Talk to her about some things that you'd actually like to explore some pleasure of your own and maybe you'd like to be Dominated in some way maybe you'd like some of the bondage gear used upon you and you could also get a toy and play with that

We've got a lot of stuff on our website. So really it's about doing some more research You know like how we become you know more educated around. We've got a lot of stuff on our website. So really it's about doing some more research. Like how we become more educated around sex is definitely like a lot of couples listen to my show together. They find that very helpful. So for some people it's reading. Get some books, do some knowledge. Get some knowledge so you feel like you actually

have a little bit more behind what you're actually doing. And I think you guys could do it together. And it could be really hot to kind of figure out scenarios together. Another fun thing to do is when you guys are together, you can actually like role play a dirty talk. Like I'm picturing, this is happening. I'm using this toy and your anus and we're playing

and I'm tying you up. And that could be a way of actually experiencing it. You know, well, not actually having to do it, but you're talking it through and see what really turns you on. Okay. All right Tony, keep me posted, you know that I'm here every night. Alright guys, thanks for listening to the show and supporting the show.

We appreciate when you share this with a friend, when you subscribe, all of those things. So I appreciate you and my team. Thanks to Ken, Michelle, Kristen, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.