Sex With Emily - Why Couples Never Talk About Sex (And How to Start)

Starting point is 00:00:00 We have been taught, essentially, to make our partners feel good no matter what. And even if that means costing us our own pleasure, we have been trained to be performative lovers. You know, I used to think that if my partner had a good time and he orgasm, then it meant that it was good sex. And so that's why I faked it. But I want to remind you that faking orgasms doesn't serve you or your partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. Here to help you prioritize pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Producer Erica and I are looking at the moments that make or break our intimate lives.

Starting point is 00:00:37 For example, when you're taking things slow and wondering how to turn the heat up without killing the magic, or when something you tried before didn't feel great. So naturally, your body tenses and now you're out of it. We'll share the small adjustments that change everything, how to set the scene outside the bedroom, the kind of touch that builds trust instead of tension, and the words that open doors instead of shutting them. This show isn't about performing. It's about getting curious, communicating clearly, and creating the conditions for real pleasure. If you're ready to feel more and fake less, stay with us. Let's get into it. This is from Mateo. He's a male 51 in Spain. Hey, Dr. Emily,

Starting point is 00:01:18 I've been dating a gorgeous woman for more than a month and a half. We're both into each other physically and end each date with a makeout session. We've not slept together yet and I'm ready for that step. I wanted to discuss with her what we need to do to get there or to find out if she just isn't ready. I think a big part of this is that she still has one child at home full time and I live alone in my apartment. How do I bring up this conversation or should I? I feel like I might be impatient here but it has been a month and a half so I'm not sure. Thanks for any and all advice and I always love your content. All right, Mateo, thanks for your question. These questions come up a lot like how long should I wait to sleep with somebody? Should it be on the first date and just

Starting point is 00:01:57 get it over with? Should I wait three months? And I do not believe in a timeline. I am not prescriptive in this way at all. So it's what feels right to both of you. But it sounds like Mateo's telling us he's ready and can't tell if she's ready. I totally agree there shouldn't be a timeline, but how do you then broach the subject if it has been a month and a half, two months? Just have a conversation. I mean, this is the kind of thing not in the bedroom, not after you make out, you don't want to grab her and pull her onto the bed, but it sounds like they could go out to dinner, have a conversation about sex on date night. Like instead of keeping it so private, you can just say, you know, I really enjoy hang out with you. I enjoy a connection, really sexy

Starting point is 00:02:42 makeouts. And, you know, how are you feeling about it? How are you feeling about our connection? I think a month and a half in this day and age is okay to say like, how are we feeling? And they're full on adults. She's got a busy life. And if she's making it, time for him as a single mom, she's clearly into it. I think it's safe to say, hey, I want to make sure we're on the same page here. I'm really liking, you know, our intimacy. I'd love to kind of see if we want to take this to the next level. Would you be interested in being even more intimate? Maybe you could get a sitter one night or you could sleep over. I live alone. How are you feeling about things? I almost feel like that's kind of hot to let it wait, too.

Starting point is 00:03:19 because I feel like nowadays in this era of casual sex there's less of a stigma around having sex on the first night and oftentimes that's the default now and so I know some people almost want to wait to build that anticipation that they don't often get anymore because it's like oh we've already slept together it doesn't feel like there's anything more to crave in recent years people are just sleeping together right away to get over with

Starting point is 00:03:44 but I still maintain that you can always have sex with somebody But like you're saying, the anticipation and the build up and getting to know each other, they don't have to go from making out to penetration. But it sounds like if it's only been a makeout for a month and a half, they're, you know, what, in their 50s? You're ready to know, like, how does it feel to get even more intimate? And she's probably thinking about it too. So I think having dinner and just starting with a conversation that's how we doing?

Starting point is 00:04:15 Like a month and a half in? How's this relationship going? How are you feeling about it? And maybe she has to rush off and get home to her kid. So maybe there's a way to have it be a longer day date. Maybe she's a sitter so they could have more time and explore. And just saying like, I'd love to get more intimate with you. I keep just fantasizing about you, how hot it would be. I mean, I think it's great to let her know that you're interested in her in that way. But start with how are you feeling about this? I'd love to maybe have you sleep over. Is it ever a possibility with your son and heart? do you ever get sitters and just like let it be known that you're interested and that you'd like to see where this is going. Because also we all are such busy lives. So she's clearly setting time aside to be with him and she's into it. And he's being very patient and respectful because the other side is like just grabbing her, being resentful and like, why isn't she step with me yet? But I like the way he's going about it. He clearly has a lot of sensitivity around this and emotional intelligence because he's being like mindful of her situation. I just sound like a good guy, Mateo. I agree.

Starting point is 00:05:19 These kind of questions always make me wonder. People already have a hard time talking about their sex life if they've been married for 20 years. How do you talk about sex before you've had sex with someone? I would like to normalize talking about sex as soon as you're interested in someone is the best way to go. Because waiting 20 years or waiting until you've been sleeping with someone for a long time totally misses the point. Because you want to get to know somebody. And by getting to know is somebody comfortable talking about sex? Are they open to it?

Starting point is 00:05:47 You could actually tell so much by that first conversation. So when they're at dinner saying, hey, I feel this great connection with you. It'd be great to get even more intimate. Would you be open to it? And what if she says, oh, my God, I can't believe you're asking me. And she reacts to him in a strong way. Well, that says a lot. But what I really see happening is that this really opens up a great place to just continue exploring.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Like, how important is sex to you in a relationship or even preface it by saying, you know, Mateo, you listen to the show. You see that having a gross mindset around. sex and talking about sex really helps so many couples. So just admitting and saying in previous relationships, I don't have a lot of experience talking about sex, but I actually have been learning a lot more about it and I think that it would be really healthy for us. So I would just love to know, are you open and talking about sex? It's something that you're comfortable with. I always want to be a great lover. Are you comfortable talking about sex? So I think that you don't have to

Starting point is 00:06:37 jump right to like, are you into BDSM? Are you into spanking? What's your fantasies? But just saying, like, I want to talk about it. I want to know, like, clearly we're making out we're adults and what comes after that is getting to know each other even more. So how can we find time for that? Have you thought about that? And that would be a great time where she could say, actually, I'm glad you brought it up. Right now, no, I'm not looking for a sexual relationship because that mater, you have her answer. Or she's like, I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to be presumptuous, but I was thinking of getting a sitter to sleep over with my son one night so we could spend a whole night together. That sounds so exciting. It can cover in her mind as well. Yes. And

Starting point is 00:07:13 you always say that the sex that you have in the beginning is indicative of the sex you might have 20 years down the line. So it's definitely an important ball to get rolling. It's a really important ball to get rolling. And actually, though, to clarify that, the sex you have the first time or two isn't necessarily indicative of the sex you're going to have in 20 years. Definitely. But the sex that you have after the first, yeah. Let's just remember that because we always get those questions like, oh, he was a bad kisser. I didn't love the sex we had the first time. And until you actually talk about sex, you can't judge someone's sexual performance. You can't say, well, they're not doing what I want and I don't like the way they're in the

Starting point is 00:07:51 bedroom if you haven't shared what you needed. We all come to the sex table or the sex bed, if you will, with our own set of experiences and relationships and we're actually bringing it all into the bedroom. So everyone you've slept with, Mateo, everyone she slept with, is there in the bedroom with you. So that's why talking about is even more important because we might be bringing all of these old expectations or preconceived notions and say, I want to start with a clean slate.

Starting point is 00:08:18 Let's be the people that talk about sex and we can figure out what it both means to us so we can both be great lovers to each other and see where this relationship is going. So I say, call it out, talk about it, say it's new for you and see what she has to say. And then you'll know what to do next. And hopefully it's like a steamy, you know, sleepover soon.

Starting point is 00:08:37 So hot. That's what we want for you, Mateo. Remember this. She might want to take it slow. Maybe she hasn't been with someone in a while. So I think that when we say sex, we have to know that it's not just about going right to penetration. I can't remind people of that enough.

Starting point is 00:08:52 Maybe you should go down on her, touch her, go slow, give her a massage. So that can also help sort of make the anticipation last even longer and start to enjoy the connection you're having just from those sex acts. It doesn't have to be about. the old in and out. It's like the best four play ever, building up that excitement. A lot of us crave that, you know, we get into long-term relationships and we crave Mateo where you're at right now. This is what a lot of us want. So, enjoy the ride. Thank you. This is from Sarah. She's 45. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 45-year-old female married for 22 years. Congratulations, Sarah. That's just

Starting point is 00:09:33 amazing. Can we just take a beat? So good, Sarah. I don't think if people get recognized enough, for like, you made it 22 years. My husband and I have had anal sex over the first 15 years of our marriage, maybe one or two times a year on special occasions because I didn't enjoy it. They were typically uneducated, rushed, and painful. About five years ago, I finally spoke up and said, I didn't want to do it anymore. He was surprised and hurt by this, but backed off for a while. Since then, this has been a major issue for our marriage.

Starting point is 00:10:02 He's tried to suppress his urges, but it is still something he wants. I'm trying to be open-minded and curious about it now that we know the right way to do it. But every time he tries to play externally, my body starts setting off alarms. How do I move past these emotional alarms to be curious about anal? All right. Thanks for your question, Sarah. So let me just clarify here. When she's saying they were uneducated, rushed, and painful,

Starting point is 00:10:25 it sounds like she's probably been listening to the show to know that a lot of people don't like anal sex, especially vulva owners, because it is uneducated, meaning there's not a lot of warm. up time. There's not enough lube. They don't go slow enough. They don't take their time. We don't warm ourselves up. So it sounds like she had enough and she took it off the table. So it's just really, really common that people have these bad experiences and they swear off anal for the rest of their life. But it sounds like, you know, Sarah wants to venture back into it, but her body is still having this learned response to anal play after years of it being sounds like painful and not fun. I want to recognize the fact that you had 15 years of not pleasurable anal sex.

Starting point is 00:11:09 Let's turn that around for you once and for all. The first thing is, if you are having a solo sex routine, it might be a great way to reconnect and sort of use your own touch and your own fingers to go slow and see how that feels. We did a whole episode on solo anal play, which I will link in the show notes. That's a great place to start, just seeing like, what does it actually feel like? and then you'll start to get used to the sensations of it done in a much more careful way. The reason I want to educate everyone about anal play is that it can feel incredible when done properly. And for penis owners, you have a prostate gland, which feels incredible when stimulated. And for Volvo owners, anal play also stimulates the clitoral legs and the pudendal nerves, which feels amazing too.

Starting point is 00:11:56 So there is a reason why anal play has a lot of hype. It can feel great for anyone when done correctly. Anal play and our butts in general have so much shame associated with them that re-associating this body part with pleasure can be just so liberating. Sounds like you're on that journey here, Sarah, and I want everyone to know that if you're also on a similar journey, once we start to take it slow, re-associate this body part with pleasure, we can start to really enjoy anal. First, you want to start by training your anal muscles to relax and open up.

Starting point is 00:12:30 So start with a trimmed finger, start with your pinky finger and get used to it. And you can kind of feel what it feels like inside your own anus. Have you ever felt that before? I mean, do you know what that feels like? Put your finger in your own anus and then you'll get what it feels like and you'll know what feels good, what parts of your anus feel good, and then you can kind of tell your partner what to do. I think that's super important because if you don't know what it feels like,

Starting point is 00:12:56 you're assuming that a partner is feeling like the worst, grossest thing ever if you have the shame around it, you've never even felt it yourself, it's like, no, it's just another body part. It's just another body part and a great way to deal with the shame. I think that's a great way, you know, to education cancels out shame. And then you can start with your pinky and you can move up to two fingers maybe. See what it feels like. You can also try an anal training kit, which sort of progressively builds up different sizes or anal beads. Anal beads are really a cool way to explore too. So anal beads is basically a long string that has beads next to each other. And so since there's so many nerve endings, you put in anal beads and then you pull them out. And as you

Starting point is 00:13:41 pull them out, they're like bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Are some anal beads actually on a string? Some are on a string. Okay. Some are on a string. Some are silicone. And then Laylo just came out with one that I'm obsessed with. It's called the Soraya Beads. And it's a gender neutral anal beads massager with beads of gently increasing sides, and they've designed it for those just getting into anal play. So think of a wand-style vibrator or like an insertion vibrator with beads on it. Perfect. Yeah. And it, you know what else is cool? It has this bow motion technology inspired by violin players. And so it creates like this thrusting-like sensation without the thrusting motion. That's perfect too, because if you are doing solo anal play, getting it to thrust properly is kind of difficult.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Yeah, so it does it for you. I love all of it. I just give you the information so you can pick and choose which ones you like. But butt plugs are like a one sensation. You put it inside of you. You have a feeling of fullness. You can move it around. But anal beads, each bead is going to give you a sensation. So it's just another way again to stimulate nerve endings, which is what we're all about here when it comes to pleasure. And then when you're using the beads, you can really just pay attention to how it feels. Like how does a smaller one feel versus a larger one. and get to know what the sensations feel like in your body. Get to know the sensations and start to wake them up, especially if she hasn't had anal in a while, any kind of anal play, that this could be a fun way to shake it up. But take it as slowly as you need to. That's the beauty of solo anal.

Starting point is 00:15:12 You can sort of set the pace as your body gives you feedback. But I also want to say, if she doesn't want to do solo anal, which she might not, sometimes, you know, when you're married and you've got life, it's hard to find the time alone to be like, tonight's my solo anal time that I really invite you to talk to your husband and say, you know what, I would be willing to open up our anal play again, but I'd like to do it differently.

Starting point is 00:15:35 I'd like to do it my way. Can we start to explore with your pinky, with maybe even anal rimming? He could use his tongue, his mouth, just to start waking up her entire region, especially if she hasn't had any touch for a while, and then they could play with beads or a butt plug if she's not willing to do it on her own. Bring him into it and say, babe, I'm willing to do what I can. to re-learn, train my body to have a better experience towards any kind of anal touch than I have in the past. I have to be honest, I don't know your husband, but I have a feeling if anal's been

Starting point is 00:16:07 off the table for years to say, let's do it again and let's rebuild together and figure out what actually feels good to me this time, we're going to take it slow, we're going to do it the educated way, we're going to get to know my body. You know, together, I think this could be a great way for you to relearn and also your body needs to catch up too because your whole body is responding in a way that's obviously protective and you're like clenching and shutting down and so by going slow by building up again to a trusted place with anal you know eventually you might get to the place where anal sex feels great again but I really like the idea of putting these steps in place before you just go right back into full-on penetrative anal sex.

Starting point is 00:16:53 And really, even if you decide that solo anal isn't for you and you want to do this exploration with your husband, just make sure that you are in the driver's seat for all of this. It sounds like maybe you haven't been in the past, not your fault at all. No one knows how to do anal properly. I certainly had no information about this before working here. You just want to make sure that even if it's not your finger, you're dictating the speed, the pace, the size, the length.

Starting point is 00:17:21 Yeah, make sure you're in control and have a conversation with the beforehand. I mean, I'm sure he would love it if you're next time you guys are out having the sex conversations, you're like, okay, I'm ready to put it back on the table, but here are my conditions. Obviously, without blaming him, he probably didn't know any better, right? They've been together for a long time. But with any kind of play, but especially in a play, you got to use lube. We have so many great lube on my shop site.

Starting point is 00:17:44 Have you guys checked out my new shop, Sex with Emily site? It's a beautiful site. It has all the products that we know and love that we've tested and tried. You've got a lot of silico and lubs there that I recommend for anal play. We'll put some in the show notes for you. Remember, you don't have to do anything in the bedroom that you don't want to do. Maybe you're going to find that this doesn't feel great. Maybe you try to explore again.

Starting point is 00:18:04 You're like, nope, that's okay too. So I'm just giving you all the information so you can decide how to go about it again and decide if you like it or not. Let us know how it goes. Thanks, Sarah. Don't log off. We'll be right back after a quick break

Starting point is 00:18:17 for our sponsors to answer more of your questions. This is from Victoria. She's 19 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my boyfriend two years now and he's never made me orgasm.

Starting point is 00:18:28 He was the first person I've been with and since the beginning I've been faking my orgasms. I don't know how to bring up the fact that I've been lying to him for so long. He's become suspicious at points

Starting point is 00:18:38 but I continue to tell him I was having a great time. I do enjoy our sex but he's never made me orgasm and I feel bad for keeping the truth from him. All right, Victoria, well first, let me just say this. You're 19 years old and it's really common for Volvo owners not to have orgasms during penetration or have orgasms at all.

Starting point is 00:19:00 And I was very much in your shoes at the age of 19. I faked orgasms for a really long time. And I used to blame my partners and I used to say they're not giving me an orgasm, like you said. but what I realized it took me, I wasn't until I was 35 that I realized it, I was actually responsible for my own orgasm and I couldn't blame my partners and I need to figure out what felt good. But this is very, very common. So please don't beat yourself up. We have been taught essentially to make our partners feel good no matter what. And even if that means costing us our

Starting point is 00:19:34 own pleasure, we have been trained to be performative lovers. You know, I used to think that if my partner had a good time and he orgasm, then it meant that it was good sex. And so that's why I faked it. But I want to remind you that faking orgasms doesn't serve you or your partner. And I'm going to guess that your partner of two years want you to feel good. He wants you to have pleasure. And so this is a conversation you definitely want to have outside the bedroom. You don't want to bring it up after you faked it last time and be like, oh, by the way, that wasn't real. want to find the right space to say to him, this is something that you've been struggling with for a long time. You know, I don't know if she's orgasmed on her own. She hasn't said if she's

Starting point is 00:20:18 able to orgasm on her own. I hope you have been able to orgasm on your own. Victoria, a big part of me learning how to orgasm with a partner was spending the time masturbating on my own because I really did, Erica, I used to think up until my mid-20s, I was like, it's their fault. They haven't made me orgasm because I really thought that men were shipped off to a secret school where they learned how to please women. But that is not the case. Whether you have learned on your own or not, we do have to level with him and be honest and just say something like, I want to talk to you about our sex life. It would help leading with stuff that you love about your sex life. It would help by saying, I love our relationship and our

Starting point is 00:20:53 intimacy. And I want you to know that I actually haven't really been having full-blown orgasms with you. In fact, I've been faking them and I wanted us both to feel good at the moment. But after two years together, I think it's possible for me to have an orgasm with you. but I really want to experience more now. I want to have our relationship go to the next level. I want to experience really good orgasms that are authentic and real. You could blame me. I always have people to blame me.

Starting point is 00:21:21 You could say, after listening to Sex with Emily, I can't unlearn these things. And I've been doing a little bit of homework. And I think I have some ideas in how to get there. Would you be willing to go on a journey with me? And maybe this means taking penetrative sex off the table, because I want to remind you too, it might be that you need more oral sex and more,

Starting point is 00:21:39 fingering or more handplay. Maybe it's not just penetrative. So you can't promise him that you're going to be able to learn to have orgasm through penetration because a lot of vulva owners don't. So I just want to set it up for let's take some penetration off the table and figure out my orgasm together. But it's also important to let him know that he's doing nothing wrong. I just want to let you know that most of the sex that we see, whether it's in movies or TV or porn, is vulva owners having explosive orgasms with a penis. And that's just not the reality. That's not how. sex goes down for many of us. So you might have been needing a lot of things that you didn't know what you needed. And so you can just tell them that you're on a pleasure journey. You're learning

Starting point is 00:22:18 that you do different kinds of stimulation. Tempt to not to make it so personal and to not take it personally because most of us did not have any sex education that talked about orgasms or pleasure. Tell me if you disagree with this, but in taking responsibility for your own pleasure an orgasm, does that mean also taking responsibility for the fact that you were faking? You were lying to him for two years, even if it was like, you obviously did it for reasons you didn't mean to hurt him, but just acknowledging that he might have a reaction to this dishonesty, you know, orgasms aside. Absolutely. I think you have to listen to him and you might have to, you know, apologize and just listen back. And I know why you're hurt. I know why this feels really bad.

Starting point is 00:23:00 Maybe you feel like you've been a bad lover and I've been lying to because I guess in a way it is lying. It is dishonesty. Allow him to feel his feelings, even if they're really big emotions and it's okay to listen. Reflect back what you're hearing. Remember, being a good listener means actually reflecting back what you heard him say. I hear you're saying that this is really makes you feel bad and not like a good lover and like a bad boyfriend or you're mad at me. I hear you. Just keep listening, repeating back what you're hearing him say. But then just say and now I would love us both to become the best lovers we can to each other and to our. And to our ourselves. And you could say, like, part of the journey of becoming great lover to you also

Starting point is 00:23:37 meant that I had to become a great lover to myself. And what I've learned is that's just being really honest. Because I know at 19, I'm only just starting out. And I have so much more to learn. And also, I want to know what you need in our relationship. Like, is there anything that you've been wanting? Because to be honest, let me just normalize this that most couples are not talking about sex. They're not talking about it in this way, about what feels good and what we need for arousal and what kind of foreplay we need. I mean, there's just so many things to unpack, and especially as a young couple, even though it's been two years, two years in a relationship where you're not talking about sex, you probably both have desires that you want.

Starting point is 00:24:18 And maybe he doesn't know right away. So I'll remind you that this is not a one-time conversation. This conversation about orgasms and pleasure might go on for a while. And I think it should. It's important to, again, continue to explore together, talk about what feels good, listen to this podcast together. I can't tell you how many couples listen to the podcast together. It doesn't matter which episodes, but just hearing the sex positive conversation and normalizing the sex conversation might do a lot of the heavy lifting for you that you don't really know how to explain it if you haven't heard it. But I think that's why, you know, Erica, we hear this all the time. Couples are like, we listen to 10 episodes together or we listen to sex with Emily and

Starting point is 00:24:58 we discuss it afterwards. So I think that could be really, really helpful. So welcome him on the journey of self-exploration and healthy sex because healthy sex, a big part of it, is having a partner who's willing to talk about it with you and willing to learn. Thanks, Victoria. You got this. This is from Cameron. He's 40 in Kentucky. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a happily married dad of 40 with a beautiful wife. We have fun sex and love each other and have a great life. I have a growing attraction to men. I experimented a couple times in my 20s with guys but was too nervous. to enjoy it. I got married and didn't tell my wife I experimented because I was nervous how she would take it. I feel like my sexuality is growing and evolving and now I am more attracted to guys than

Starting point is 00:25:43 fantasize about gay or by encounters. I am still attracted to my wife and women primarily, but as it becomes more acceptable in our culture to be gay or bi, I feel like I should tell her about my experiences and desires. I'm scared. I don't want to mess up my marriage and family. There's no chance for an open relationship, so I doubt I'll ever act of my desires, but feel like I should tell her. Is there any point? What if it causes a rift and our marriage falls apart? I don't want that. Such a great question, Cameron. First, thank you so much for this really honest, heartfelt email, because first, it's not easy to repress our desires for this long in a relationship with somebody. And so I think the first step is being honest here. So thank you so much for that

Starting point is 00:26:32 because I know other people are going to open up now too. The fact that you reached out means that you're ready. You're ready to do something about it. I do think it's important to have the conversation with her because clearly it's coming up in a way that you're having a hard time being your authentic self and having a hard time probably showing up in ways that you want to for her. I think it's important to look at why you want to tell your wife. If you want her to get to know you better and know the you. Maybe you want to share fantasies about men with her because I hear you say that you don't really think this will go anywhere, but you never know. But maybe fantasizing about it or talking dirty with her about men might be a way for you to satisfy it. If you want to be open about your

Starting point is 00:27:10 bisexuality in your daily life, like what are the reasons for sharing it with her? Maybe you could gauge your feelings on the topic through some casual conversations. Maybe you just bring up bisexuality in a more general context and see her reaction. Maybe you already know her reaction. I'm to be honest here, like you live in Kentucky. It's very different than living in one of the coasts like living in New York or living in California. I think we're a little bit more open here to it. Maybe talk about bisexuality in a more general context and see her reaction. I think it's important to ground ourselves in the fact that you're actually worried that your wife could leave you. You sound certain that there's no way you could explore. So that's why I'm trying to sort out

Starting point is 00:27:49 here. First, is that true? Because we don't know until we bring it up with our partners. We don't know. But I'm also thinking you've gotten to this point of emailing me that it's probably just getting louder and louder in your head. And here you are, you know, week after week having sex with your wife, but you're also having these fantasies and they're not getting quieter. They're getting louder. And that's important to look at. It is time to explore it. And maybe first I would start with talking about your sex life in general. We always see you can't go from zero to anal. You can't go from zero to hey, I'm bisexual. So what has been your? conversations around sex until now. Have you had conversations about your desires, your fantasies,

Starting point is 00:28:31 what you're both into? Because I might start there. In fact, I recommend you start with we've been together for a long time. I want to make sure that we are great lovers to each other. I want to make sure that we're getting each other's needs met. Let's talk about it. You can buy my book smart sex. A lot of couples are finding a lot of help in that book, reading it together. It gives you a lot of material to work with together. So maybe you listen to a podcast together. You take the yes-no maybe list together and say, you know, I want to know what your fantasies are and what your turn-ons are and see how that goes. Now, if she's completely shut down to talking about it, doesn't want to explore, it might be really hard to get her to open up to you being bisexual. Because listen,

Starting point is 00:29:13 you're pretty certain you're not going to be open and that you're not going to get to experiment. So what are you hoping to get from her? What do you? hoping is going to happen here? Because I'm also thinking maybe there is a glimmer of hope here. Like you do want to talk to her about it. It sounds like you guys probably do share a lot of things. And I think sometimes our partner surprise us. I think with the right time and information, maybe she will come around. I think that even if it doesn't lead to you actually being physical with other men, it might just be beneficial for her to know who you truly are. You can find communities online or in person that can help you embrace your bisexuality. You can watch

Starting point is 00:29:51 your read by affirming pop culture together, watch queer porn on your porn list. You know, maybe you can even watch it together eventually. But I don't know, I want everybody to live their authentic self and their authentic truth. And even if you live in a region that it's not as accepted and you and your wife don't have this experience, this is my mission is to get people to prioritize their authentic pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. See, you said in your email that people are becoming more acceptable in our culture to be gay or by. And And so to me, that's maybe been your opening and the reason why you want to talk with her. But you're only 40.

Starting point is 00:30:28 You're young. Think about it this way too. Do you want to live another 20, 30 years not living your sexual truth? Because it's not just sex. It's not just an afterthought. It's not just something we can leave on the back burner. But it is impacting other areas of your life. And I would argue it's impacting the relationship with your wife already, even though you're not saying anything to her.

Starting point is 00:30:50 It's probably impacting your intimacy and the way you connect with her. So I would argue that by authentically embracing who you are, not only will you be able to probably express other things, but she'll be able to open up to you, I hope, in ways that are really helpful for her. If you do decide to keep this to yourself, perhaps you could find some relief and some expression of this fantasy by masturbating to porn that turns you on, some bisexual porn,

Starting point is 00:31:16 and a porn that helps you sort of live out this desire and this fantasy is should you decide to not say anything. So that would be an option and see how that goes. You know, for some people, just having that outlet of masturbation is a way for people to live out their own fantasies that they want to keep to themselves. I mean, I often say there's two kinds of fantasies. There's the ones that you actually want to happen and the ones you want to keep to ourselves. So Kamen, you might decide that you're just, you know, you don't ever want to tell your wife. So that is another option. I am also a proponent of every couple would benefit from therapy. And so if you want to find a trusted therapist in your area, you could start just going to therapy because I think the best time

Starting point is 00:32:01 to go into therapy is not when you're in crisis, but when you just want to strengthen your relationship and learn how to communicate even better. So maybe you could find your way to a therapist that could help with these conversations. But again, I don't want you to pressure yourself just to be like, I need to tell you something, and I'm bisexual. Like, let's have the building blocks. You've been together for a long time. You don't have to redefine your sex life in one conversation. So here are just some steps to recap.

Starting point is 00:32:25 Talk about your sex life in a healthy way, outside the bedroom, kind of bring up some other topics around bisexuality and see how she responds. And then maybe get a trusted therapist you can work with and you could even go on your own. If she's not open to it, I always recommend it's going on our own as well. So see how that goes. I'm wondering if or when he does tell his wife about his bisexuality, should he leave his past experiences in the past? Or is that also important to tell her that he has experimented with men before? Well, I think as long as you're telling her, his past is part of his story.

Starting point is 00:33:02 And so I think we got to feel this conversation out because, again, he thinks there's a chance that this could end his marriage. I mean, he knows his wife, right? We don't know her just sort of dipping your toe in the water, starting the conversation slowly with other things. You're going to know if it's the right thing to tell her. But I do think letting her know that this is something that you've experienced with is part of your true journey. Thanks, Cameron.

Starting point is 00:33:35 That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Starting point is 00:33:57 Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Thank you.

Sex With Emily - Why Couples Never Talk About Sex (And How to Start)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.