Sex With Emily - Why Do You Lube Me Up, Buttercup?

Episode Date: June 26, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is giving you the lowdown on lube in order to find your perfect match, and she’s taking your calls and emails. She talks about whether it’s proper progressive parenting to give your teen a sex toy, which anal sex positions are best for everyone to enjoy, and how to get yourself in the mood for sex when you’re too tired. Plus, ways to keep up with your multi-orgasmic partner. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, Adam & Eve, SiriusXM, Woo Freshies, We-Vibe  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. On today's show, I'm giving you all the details you need to know about Loub in order to find your perfect match. And I'm taking your calls and emails. Topics include Progressive Parenting So getting your daughter a vibrator Yay or nay Aino Sex Physicians for everyone to enjoy. And yes, I'm even talking to you first timers. So you want to have sex but you're too tired. How can you get yourself in the mood?

And ways to keep up with your multi-organic partner because who doesn't want prolonged pleasure? All this and more, thanks for listening. That mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common moment? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information check us out at sexwithfamily.com and wherever you listen to podcasts, oh my god we love when you subscribe to the podcast. It really helps us leave your reviews, tell your friends about the show. If you heard something on the show that you like, share it with them. We love that. We release a show three times a week. You can also find me on Sirius XM Radio. It's Stars, Channel 109, and I'm there. Five nights a week. Monday through Friday, five to seven

Pacific, and it's been amazing. I love reaching you. You can also call in even if you don't have serious triplet 947 8277 or get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.com slash SXM. Find us on also social media. It's act sex with Emily across the board. Okay guys enjoy the show. As you might know, you heard me say, my dream is a lube on every night stamp. And here's why.

It's because, and I talk about all different kinds of lubes, and a lot of you email me in question and call your like, but which one do I get, and what's right for me, and I get it. But first, let me just say this. If you are still holding on to this stigma, and you still think that lube is when there's a problem, like, oh, it's just dry.

It's just comfort. Better get that old bottle of lube on of the bed. Like, no, you're wrong. Because lube actually enhances most sexual, I'd the beds, like no, you're wrong. Cause luke actually enhances most sexual, I'd say every sexual situation, whether you're alone with a partner, every sex act. He had a few jobs to luke, I'm telling you, it enhances experiences, it doesn't mean

that you're anything wrong. And also, your wetness level is not an indicator of a rousal necessarily. You could be super wet and you could be, and turn on or you could be wet and not turned on or you get a little bit wet and then you dry up. So here's what to do. You use lube every time you are masturbating,

touching your partner, don't lick your hands or spit in your, that is not sanitary. People do that. You guys do that right? They like spit in their hand and they're like, oh my gosh, it's horrible. It's horrible. They lick their hands, where's the hand bin?

Oh, it's so unsanitary. Don't do that, that's unsanitary. So what I'm gonna show you how, and then I talk about different lobes, and then you're like, well, what's the difference of that? So I'm gonna show you right now. First, I'm gonna start with water-based. This is pure water-based loob.

And this is women's formula. And this is good for people who have sensitivities. You're like, I don't know, I get rashes, things happen, it's weird. This is great, especially if you're using toys, like silicone toys, it's great. And you want to use waterways because it's not gonna break down the materials.

I think it's pretty safe just to say, like, it's called nude, and I love this brand. It's been around for 30 years, and it just has a really good feel to it. You do have to reply it more often as an all water base, but just more like a safe bat. Okay, so then silicone loop. That's a whole different category.

And I gotta say when loops first, somewhere along the way, silicone loop got like a bad wrap. And I think it, I don't remember who, maybe there's someone like anti-silicon brigade or something and they're like, no, it's horrible. But I'm telling you that it's a really silicone loop

last longer. So here's the thing with silicone. Like it lasts longer. It's more moisturizing. So here's the thing with silicone. Like it lasts longer. It's more moisturizing and you just need a few drops. So this is uberloops. I always talk about this when I say a lube whenever nightstand, like hello, put that in a nightstand.

It's a beautiful glass bottle. No one has to know what it is. If you're up, if you're worried about thing and it's just, it's easy because you want a pump. It's easy to pump. So you just need a few drops and you can use it with condoms, but you're just to be weary about using an silicone toys. Silicone toys, because it can break down the silicone

over time, but also just make sure that you clean your toys as you should all the time. So this is not sticky. Doesn't leave a residue. It's like really soft on your skin. And again, you don't have to keep stopping and reapplying. And also, we use it here in the office on our hair. It's good for frizzies and flyways,

and it really only has one ingredient. So that's what's awesome. And we love it. Flyways, it works. I just used it before the show. How does my hair look? Gorgeous. And loop, I use it for loop.

Finally, guys, okay, woo, more play. This is an oil-based loop, coconut oil. It's love oil, actually. I'm obsessed with woo, more play. It's love oil actually. I am obsessed with rumor play. It's organic personal lubricant, but it can also be used for massage like all over the body. And it tastes amazing. It's all natural ingredients.

And I just freaking love this you guys. Bump and grind, hanky panky, getting busy, lust and thrust. So it's really, I mean, it has like vanilla extract, like it has, it's also like, it smells amazing, it tastes great, it makes you want to have sex, you want to massage with your partner, it tastes like vanilla extract,

and it's just, I love it, you don't have to wash it off, Michelle uses it, and Michelle, Michelle. Okay, this is the first of all, let me say this, it is so sexy, and you know Lauren and Michael, do you know Lauren and Michael from Skinny Confidential? Of course, if you know them, they're the sexiest couple and they made this loop. So I was like, of course they make sexily

when they're sexy times. And I freaking love it. It's smooth, it's all amazing. Like I got this, they sent me one of their like testers when it first came out like a year ago. And I was using it with a guy and he was like, oh my God, that's all everyone used to get. So it just feels good. And you can like a year ago, and I was using it with a guy and he was like, oh my God, that's all everyone is using it.

So it just feels good. And you can like massage each other, massage each other, which I think we all need more touch and more massage anyway. And most of us rush right through sex. So even for example, Liza who just called in, she's like, what can I do to get out of my rot? How do I spice it up? For you, it might be, I just brought some massage oil, babe.

Remember we used to massage each other, or maybe you never did, but stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive, probably the number one killer. And if you can do something to put you both in the mood, like, relax, like, you put some of this love oil, bad boy all over your body and your skin and like, Michelle's rubbing her stuff. I was just talking, you might have some Michelle

one night we make sense or home to try some toys. And we gave her this and she's like Sorry, I just used it and I had no orgasm without even using the So that's how good it feels and it's play. You play with your partner. So that's what we got you guys oil Yeah, not you have to be a little bit careful with condoms unless they're made out of an organic material And again, it rubbed into your skin like a lotion So you feel really good and leaves you feel soft and amazing. So all of these are great choices we've got pure uber lubes, silicone and the Wumor play coconut oil. So you guys can check

us all out on our site or come with any lubed questions. And just so you know, also in Dan University, we have to thank them for this study that said when you add just a few drops of lube to every sexual experience women were 80% more likely to orgasm. So what else needs to know? I want me to push her butt, Loub, it works. So thanks, bye Instagram. I think one of my favorite things about Lou more play is that after every time I use it,

I don't feel the need to wash up right after. Right. It's that smooth sensation that I still feel on my skin. Yeah, like you said, it tastes so good. It tastes so good. It tastes like vanilla. And it's moisturizing, and you put it on your hands, and it sits nice and moisturizes.

I'm moisturizing it now. You are. So that's your little Loub Lesson 101 for all of you who have been asking about it, because I know for some people, it's a new concept. Like there's like, oh, Loub really? Like from the 90s, when you get a drugstore, it's gross. And it's like, no. There's some really good innovations

in all the sex things that exist for your pleasure. Okay, let's talk to Lisa 49 in California because she wants to know if she should give her 16 year old daughter a vibrator. Hey, Lisa, how you doing? Hi, how are you? I'm good. Good question.

So, I am 49 years old, calling from California. I have three amazing babies. The middle one is a girl. Okay. Okay, we run to the closet. We run to my bedroom. I'm at home doing dishes. Okay.

Okay, you take your moment, get cover. Okay. I'm like running down the hallway. Okay, so I'm in the back of my closet now. Okay. Perfect. So, I would like to be a hallway. Okay, so I'm in the back of my closet now. Okay, perfect. So I would like to be a progressive parent. All right. I came from the home that you just didn't talk about anything.

I just found you two months ago. I am absolutely addicted to you every day, Monday through Friday. So I thought to myself at 16, I had thoughts of sex, although I wasn't doing anything. And then it occurred to me because my first boyfriend was a nightmare that I should buy my daughter a vibrator to show her how or will introduce her to a vibrator and let her do her own thing to figure out how to pleasure herself before she becomes addicted to a boyfriend

to give it to her. Yeah. I mean, I- Is that yes or no? Okay. That's a maybe. So here's the thing. I think it's a good idea, but I would first talk to her about pleasure and masturbation

and see if she already touches herself. If she already does it, to me, I would just want it to make it a very comfortable, you know, that if you do, I just want to talk to you about self pleasure and masturbation and self love because if she's already doing it, just letting her know that it's okay and not shameful, she might be okay. She's like, okay, mom, that's, you know, so I think, and if she isn't, if you just hand her a vibrator and you're like, go to town, she might be confused too. I don't know, but I'm gonna guess it's a no.

Okay, because that's how I was, but I wouldn't have known what to do, because I never even heard about masturbation until I was like 20, and I was having sex, and I didn't know. It didn't occur to me for some reason, for many people it does. So we don't know yet about your daughter. So I think you just have to start saying, you know, I want to talk to you.

I'm not, I just, you know, did you masturbate Lisa as a kid? Do you have any stories? Okay. So you could tell, oh you didn't. No. Okay. No, I was completely like, no. Right.

Well, I think I didn't either. I didn't have sex until I was 20. So I was pretty. Yeah. I don't know. Slow compared to everyone else. Well, have you talked to her about pleasure at all yet, or master, I'm sure you've probably talked about. No, I have not.

Oh, not at all. OK, she's 16. So I would do this first. I know it's uncomfortable. And you've been listening to the show. You know, but I think it's a matter of saying, I know this might be uncomfortable. You know, I've got to talk to you about something.

We haven't had the talk yet. I know you've learned a lot about your friends. From your friends or porn, she's probably seen porn. Like, you know, she's probably out there and just say, what you might be missing is this. Is that, you know, I don't want you to be going out there and doing things just so boys will like you and blow jobs or whatever. But I was the part that's missing a lot is pleasure. And for women, the way that you really learn to, to know your body and to enjoy sex when it happens is to figure out what feels good.

And you can even show her like I wish we had this already, but like something like the Clitteret and you can pull up a diagram or there's a website it's called Scarletine that has some good information for kids and be like this is the Clitteret. And she would be like, oh, mom, no, no, I feel like no, like this won't be a one time conversation Lisa. But I think explaining that that's how she's gonna understand her pleasure

Oh my god. Yes. Oh MGS dot com is also a great site for young women and actually you can like touch the screen and it's show it right? That what it you can like touch it and you can learn how to touch yourself by touching the screen and like figuring out masturbation techniques So it's like I think you could buy a vibrator, but not right away. Like I think let's see how she reacts. I like slow and progressive. Slow and progressive, yeah.

Keep it going, like even if it's once a week. Like you get her comfortable, she can come to mom. I think the big missing gap is about women and their pleasure and owning their sexuality because that's how they feel empowered when they're like, I know what an orgasm is and I know what I want and I know how to give it to myself and I'm not gonna wait for anybody else to film me up because I know how to make

myself feel good and it's it's also a boost of confidence too and it's good for us to know what feels good and to have orgasms so start there I will do that and I will call you back and you know the perfect okay Lisa you know I'll be here and I'm so glad you found the show. Thanks for calling. I really appreciate it James who's 30 in Indiana He wants to try to know this wife and she's not all the way on board. All right. Hey James Hey, how are we doing good? How you doing? We're good. Okay. Good. Okay. Tell me what's going on. Oh, your wife there. You said we're good. Is she there? Yeah. She's in the car with me.

Oh, I'm on our way. Well, I'm not on speaker at the moment. She's just kind of listening along with me. Oh, I want her on speaker. Can you go on speaker? I need her. It'll be so much easier. James. I'm going to save you a step. She doesn't feel comfortable. Okay, just wanted to listen, because then I'm going to save a step for you. Why would you tap back, explain it, and you got to explain it to her. Let's do it together. Knock this out. We've got to go to break in three minutes.

So, for me, it's a word. Okay, that's a word. Hey James, hey, wife. Just nod. No, hey. Okay, so your question is. So my question is, is I'm on board to try anal, but my wife is not fully comfortable with it.

Okay, make sense, very common. So why is she not comfortable with it? She's never done, I'm going to assume either she hasn't done it before or she had a bad experience. Okay, got it, make sense. Most of what we hear is that it's painful, it hurts, she probably had a friend in college who pooped all over herself. I don't know if she's gonna poop. I don't like shitty. I don't like it. Something messy happened. It hurts. I'm a goody-duty guy. I don't want to be in. Right. Okay. That's why. Or it's taboo. Or it's just

an area for exiting. Or it's gonna hurt. She's gonna hate it and whatever, whatever, whatever. Get that. So that's the lot of the fear around it. And she's never done it. It's a new area, it's a new area, it's very taboo. So here's the thing, for many women, it is really pleasurable. It can feel great if you do it right and you do it slow. So the most important, my best beginner, anal vices when you guys are full and having sex and playing around, just to kind of explore

with a finger. Have you done that yet? A little bit, not too much. All right, so that's where you start a pinky finger and lube. So get some silicone lube. We love pure PJ, you are good at our website. And get some good lube. And you just use a few drops on your finger and you start to rub on the outside of it, warm or up, because there's a lot of nerve endings on the outside of the anus, right?

You rub around, see how that feels, and then wife, you can report back and be like, oh, good or bad, go slow. Maybe when it just your pinky all the way in and out, and then you see how that feels, you know, and then you just make sure that she's relaxed, and then you could try it, yeah. You're okay.

That works. Then you could try and see how that is, and then you could get a toy, then you could use your penis, try some positions in the most important thing is for it to breathe, relax to already be around. So it helps for her to have an orgasm already. Like I have a literal orgasm where I have sex first or intercourse, I mean, I'm like she just comes already. Because then she's more turdant, she's in her body, and then for many women they can actually

have pleasure through it because your penis, if have anal will stimulate their g spot indirectly. For some women that's really pleasurable. Yeah. Right. And my thing is, I don't like, we, you know, with the situation that, you know, we're on the right and we just, we don't know, you know, what's the best way to position ourselves to get all the way, you know, fully aroused. Right.

Okay. To get it fully inside, you mean what position? Well, there's just two different positions. I think a good beginner position is with, like, you think it's doggy style, but I don't think that's the most, but when she's like spooning, when you think the spooning position,

so if she's like lying on her side, and then you're coming in from the side, you know spooning, but your penis is doing, you're not just cuddling. There's more than that. So yeah, so then that way she can still control it, the depth penetration, you can go slow, it's still really intimate, you can be kissing her kind of check in in with how it's going, you know, she kind of pulls her knees up. Yeah, but just play around with that. Or missionary, missionary is great too with a pillow underneath her pelvic area to lift her up a bit

Okay, all right. Yeah, it's kind of hard because I'm a six foot Four guy and she's like a five-two woman. So it's a little bit different Yeah, no, I got you dude, but I've been there. You know what I mean? It all works out when you're laying down You're all figures out use some pillows. Okay. Thanks a lot guys calling It's Dr. Vanessa. She's 45 in Arizona. And she wants to know how to initiate sex when she's tired. Oh, Vanessa. Hi, that's tough, right?

Hi, it's the last thing you have. Yes, I got you. OK. Hi. So the thing is that when I'm tired, it's like I'm doing like the cooking and the cooking up at the end of the night and you know, just come up and work, go right into cooking and stuff and then cooking up, making lunches and eat just this here.

And then I think like by the time I get to the room and laying down, I don't really want to initiate. Of course not. That sounds like it. Because I'm sorry. Well does he ask, is he initiate, is this your husband? Part no. I think he knows that I'm tired. He doesn't really initiate, like his initiation is, is like rubbing on my boobs or something like that. Ah, sorry. I think this is a turn, I think this is a trigger for me. Don't rub my nipples right here. And then it's not going to have to be my sex.

He likes morning sex? Why don't you? No, like, then I go to sleep and then I all initiate in the morning because I'm like, you know, I'm like, wait, and I'm not tired anymore. And then how can I get him to help me out and then, they all want to initiate and have that. Yeah, well, exactly.

This, OK, so this isn't really about sex. We need your husband to help you out around the house with the kids and the family. You're in resent phase. You're in like, you don't even want to have sex with them. He's not helping with anything. I see, but you're a giver. You're like such a good caretaker for us

so you have the kids and the thing, and then you're calling me, and you're saying, how can I initiate when really we need him to take care of the kids and do the dishwasher and help you with dinner and do the dishes and give you a back rub before he grabs your boob? Like that's what we need. Like I did a say to him last night

because I was doing laundry and cleaning up and washing dishes and doing laundry at night. And then I was like, I got 10 people in half one right now. I got to go get my own phone, nobody's gonna get my phone from the living room for me. And then he kind of maybe got the hands of a little bit, but I don't want to initiate anything just because I'm tired of it. I would go out of Vanessa. Vanessa, how long have you guys been together? 19. 19 years? Okay, Vanessa.

This sounds. And then it'll stay like, oh, the kids. The kids help you. Have the kids help you. No. Yeah, Vanessa. If you look like a little bit more special here to me. Vanessa, you've settled into this role of that is your thing is your angry at your husband

and you've been angry at him a long time for not helping, but then you're in this comfortable, you know, being the caretaker and the, you know, provider of love and support in the family is not, yeah. Vanessa, you know this, right? Like, you gotta get, you guys gotta go into therapy, you gotta figure out if this is gonna go to the distance or not. You haven't communicated with them in a long time.

And there's some way you kind of, or not enjoy, but your identity is around being the victim in your relationship. And I'm saying this in a loving way, but I feel that this has been in your story. We've been friends for a while, I think this has been happening a long time, right? So yeah, Vanessa, I mean, that's tough,

because I doubt like, yeah, so I feel like, we gotta be telling different. So once I get into it, like once I get into the mood of doing it, then I'm like, like, when did I not have it like once I get into the mood of doing it and I'm like like Why did I not have sex like this because it's so great? Yeah Yeah, I mean I don't know I'm thinking you weren't even asked you that I can just feel it Vanessa

I just want you to like I just want you to talk with them. Maybe I mean here's a thing Let me get let me think of the positive side, Vanessa. Maybe he wants more, maybe if you, there's something that you guys can exchange here, because sex is an exchange of energy, right? And maybe there's a way that he's like, well, you're not initiating sex or we're not having enough sex. So it doesn't make me want to help. But I got to tell you, if you guys like, like, you know, you could just let him know how, you know, I'm sure you have told him. But if you're like, you've gotten to the point where you're so angry that having a light hearted conversation about like, when you do the housework, it makes me want to go down and you're, it makes me want to have sex with you.

It turns me on. You know what you should do? Go to take the love language quiz. It takes two minutes and it's a great place for couples to start. They're you, I'm guaranteeing that your acts of service and you might be words of affirmation, like you and meaning you want him to do things for you and he's not doing it so you don't feel love and attract him and he might want you to give him a back rubber by him gifts. There's five love languages. We can put it in the show notes or just Google five love language quiz and that's what I can help you with tonight but I'm here every single night Vanessa so choose one

thing and do it differently tonight. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. Oh, it's five love languages. Thank you, sweetie. Have a good night. Thanks for calling Vanessa. All right. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. Let's talk to Josh 31 in South Carolina. And you want to know how to have another erection right after orgasm All right, hey Josh. How you doing? Okay, good. All right, so tell me what so you want to tell me what's going on Well, me and my wife we

Do our business and then she's ready to go again and I'm not Yeah, you know, it can be more challenging for men. The refractory period, you know, takes you a little bit longer to get hard again. So what you could do is you could, you know, she might have to write after you ejaculate, take the pressure off yourself, you know, she could start to kind of tease you again and play with you and kind of get you turned on again You could go down in her for a while You might take you a little bit longer to get to get to get hard again, but

You could practice it you could also practice it, you know Proceed orgasms can also help you orgasm without ejaculating if that's what you're into So really it's about yeah, there's also like a tantric practice where men don't actually ejaculate. They have orgasms without ejaculating. That's a much more advanced practice. But I, yeah, I mean, that's really it. You've got to be patient and maybe just get turned on again, you know, but women can keep going because we get multiple orgasms one and have it the next one next. So I would like to that with her then. And then yeah, have you tried any of those things? Right. Yeah. No, I know in the past when we first got

together before we got married, it was not an issue. Because you're a little bit older now. That's why. Were you like 25? Something like that. Yeah, that's the last time I had that with a guy to he was 25 24 He kept going out like three times in a row. I was like really But I'm sorry to tell you Josh the old we get just doesn't happen like that So it's really a matter about just being patient getting turned on got getting her off and then coming back to it You'd also die of trontric practice prostate Yeah, that's what I got to say try it out. All right Josh turned out getting her off and then coming back to it you'd also die tragic practice pop prostate yeah that's what I gotta say try it out

all right Josh thanks for calling sex with Emily I appreciate it we'll talk to you soon so Karen who's 42 in California has a question about the intensity of orgasms oh okay hi Karen thanks for calling hi how are you? Hey, I'm so good. Thanks.

So I have a question. I'm great. Thank you. I have a question. Sometimes orgasms are good and sometimes they're off the chart. Yep. When what causes that? And when I have the ones that are off the chart, it sounds crazy, but I see lightning bolts in my eyes.

When I'm in my eyes report, is that something I should be concerned about? No, no, it's just like energy. And no, I don't think that sounds amazing. I think that we see certain patterns and colors and lights. And no, I don't think you should be concerned about it, but you tell me what's happening during the times when you're having those intense orgasms.

Because it's different for everybody, right? So is there more for a play or you more relaxed, are you in different position, are you with a partner, are you alone? But tell me more. I think it's kind of all of the above. If for sure if my partner goes, I have some goes orally, yes, or if you use the toy, but sometimes you do that and they're just like, okay, that was it, but sometimes they're like, whoa, and I thought, okay, something wrong with my brain.

Oh, no, no, no. Well, it's also different times of month. Like, different times of month, we are our hormones level shift, so it could be our or got, we might be more able to be a rouse and turned on and orgasmic and then other times of month, like it just changes. I mean, that's what I have to think that it's probably just being a woman and how her body is changing all the time. And if you can't place a different, you know, a time or place, that's, you know, but I think it's next time maybe you have,

have one think about it. You're like, why was it so good? And then you might realize, though, actually, oh, I was breathing a lot deeper this time, or, oh, he went down to me for 20 minutes and then we had sex, or I was fantasizing more. So maybe next time it happens, think about it. And then, because I think that we can actually train ourselves or learn to have whatever kind of orgasms we want, actually. If we really bring attention to our body, and we pay attention to like, that's why I want people to masturbate and to like breathe and play with different touches and movements

and toys. So I think do experimenting and playing with yourself and with your partner will help you realize what those come from. But if you're not, you know, I think it's really nothing, nothing to worry about at all. It's just, they're always a little bit different. Some monster periods are bad, they're not, you're orgasm, you're turned on, you're not. So that's how it is. But I'm glad you're having intense and then just really good orgasms. That's amazing. Yeah. I definitely think, they're, I definitely think the more, like you always say, it takes time for women, where there's more

playfulness and kissing and touching and all that ahead of time, it's that it's just like, you know, climate's jumping in like, quickie. Oh, for sure. The longer intense play is when those wow, when. Well, there you go. You got it, Karen. So that I agree with you. So we, because women, you know,

I think it's important. Like it's like my public surface announcement. Like if you are worried, your partner doesn't want sex, they're not turned on. Women, we require for a play not a suggestion. It's actually a requirement for us to get turned on because it's it's also how our body works. Like we need to like tune up. We got to start like revving up the machinery. I think a lawnmower like, er, you know, like slow cookers, right? So I'm like frying pans, so we need some time to warm up. Like, so if you just come into sex quickly and we're like, I wasn't even turned on. Like I literally wasn't turned on. I didn't know you were coming.

So we did that. And then the anticipation and then the teasing sometimes when you, when you're teasing and just, the more you can draw out all the playfulness before sex, I think we're gonna have stronger orgasms for sure. More pleasure. Yeah, okay, thanks Karen. I'm here for you. Thank you for sharing, thanks Karen.

Thanks for calling. All right, let's take this email that came in because I like this one. Okay, this is from Rachel who's 47 and Idaho. She's, I'm recently divorced. So as the man I've been seeing for about two months, both realized we aren't ready for the long-term relationship, but we found friendship in one another and felt like the sex would be good.

He pursued me relentlessly for two months, I loved every minute of the attention, we finally had sex. We talked about it several weeks before, communicated likes, dislikes, bucket lists, all of that. Well, the sex is mediocre at best, which I was okay with, because it's been a long time since either of us had sex, and there was a lot of buildup. But since then, he hasn't really called or texted.

He usually texted me good morning and night. I feel like the pursuit is over, and now I'm feeling weird. It wasn't meant to be a one-nighter. How do we move forward from this? All right, so I just wanna know, what, okay, there was a part of this email though. Okay, so here's the thing, right, that Jamie, I read this and I thought, okay, so he's not, she hasn't heard from him and it wasn't, so the sex was mediocre and that's just

the part I'm going to key in, key in on. We don't know why you even heard from, why it was mediocre, like he might not be reaching out because he thought you weren't into it. And I think that you cannot judge a relationship on the first time you've sex with someone. And I think this is something that's really important for you guys to understand that the first time you're out with someone and you kiss them, even the second time you've sex, it's awkward, it's new.

It's very rare that it's like the amazing best sex ever. And sometimes it's even like awkward and stumbling and maybe someone's nervous. A lot of people are nervous the first time. But this is the kind of stuff you could work on. Like maybe not forever. Like I'm not saying you need to go out with them a hundred more times. But I bet if you Rachel go out with them one more time and follow up with them and you try it again. And you're just like me. Seems like you guys have been great communicators. And he was pursuing you. The thing I don't love here is that I can't tell

is like he'd pursue me for two months and then all of a sudden, we had sex and I was gone. Like he's not following up as much. That I don't like depending on what. But he could just be really embarrassed. Because when it comes to what happened. Right, exactly. So if he's a bearist, that could be it too. I'm telling you guys, I think I don't like the game playing. He could just be really embarrassed because that knows what happened. Right. Exactly.

So if he's embarrassed, that could be it too. I'm telling you guys, I think I don't like the game playing. If you don't hear from someone and you want to hear from them, figure it out. Just call and get your answer. If you like, should we beat up again? Should we not? Talk about the sex. Here's what doesn't fucking make sense.

If you go to them, let's say you went to a concert. Let's say you bought him tickets to a concert, Rachel, for example. And then you went to the concert and it was a really bad concert, right? And he was like, let's say he really judged you on the music and he was like, God, that was bad. But maybe you guys went, no, back up. Maybe you left the concert. It was a bad concert.

You would talk about the music first of all. You'd be like, he'd be like, I wasn't like that into that music and you could let him know, well, I love this band, but you're right. This wasn't that great either. I didn't think so. And then you talk about, maybe you loved it Rachel, and he didn't. You would review it.

You would talk about it. You probably wouldn't judge on someone's music alone. You'd be like, oh, maybe there's another concert to go to, but you would review the activity that you did that evening. If you went to a movie with someone, if you went to a restaurant, but if you have sex with someone and it's awkward and weird, we all like tiptoe around it I say Rachel calls them and say hey

Yeah, that was kind of an awkward thing weird sex. I thought it was but I loved our time out and I think we should try it again Like why is that a weird thing to say you just exchange bodily Blueheads, mm-hmm. They perhaps probably touched each other you insertion very intimate act Why can't we just call her? Why can't you just call her and talk about it? Maybe that, oh no, that wasn't it. I actually got back together with my ex. Or I'm so glad you called. I thought you would never want to see me again.

We never know why people don't call. Or why they do this. So just find out. You're not always gonna get the answer, but. Yeah. Do you find that when there is a so an awkward sexual experience that if you're feeling that way, the other person probably is too?

I think so. Yeah. I think that if someone's feeling that way, if it was super awkward that someone else is too. So if it was awkward, but totally doable, like if someone comes too fast the first time or if someone can't orgasm or you get weird in the middle because you're nervous about something,

like I think if there was still a connection, sex can make people do weird things. So, sex can make you not be your best self when you're with someone new. So yes, I absolutely do think that. And then, um, what about people that do pursue really, really hard and then drop out, though? Yeah, okay, you guys. I like something. I like something.

There is a trade. I have to tell you this. I think watch out for the people, men or women, that pursue you so hard. Like I've found that to be a red flag. Like these are the ones that usually crash and burn. Like if someone's coming on so strong and they're like, they won't like, they keep emailing and texting and calling and pursuing and pursuing and pursuing, typically, A, they don't really

even know who you are. There's attracted to the idea they have of you. And there is a certain, like, I just wanna win this person, not even consciously, but I find that he's just coming out of divorce this guy too. He's pursuing a really hard. I'm sure you're coming out of, you said you're coming out of divorce as well.

The problem with why this is tricky and why we often believe me. I've gone out with Manu, pursued me really hard. I've done this a lot in times, but I'm telling you in my history or data them, you can see that it's usually kind of dysfunctional believe me. I've gone out with Manu, pursued me really hard. I've done this a lot in times, but I'm telling you in my history or data them, you can see that it's usually kind of dysfunctional and it's not really about you. They like the chase, you like the attention. But the reason why it's hard to spot while we fall into it, like I have, we love the attention.

It feels so good to be pursued. It feels so good when someone's like, I'm so into you and I can't wait to see you. Especially if you're interested in them. It just feels good, but that's another thing that we tend to not see that that act can actually be a red flag. Is there a way in the moment that you can address, instead of calling later, like, hey, the sex was awkward or something, whatever happened, can you just address it afterwards, be like, hey, just so that you can get it out in the air, like I'm cool with it.

You mean, like, let it get on the open right after it in the bedroom, because you're saying I can't, or in general. Well, yeah, because I mean, if you're like, right after it happens and it finishes, you're both probably sitting there with the awkward look on your face. I think that's when you're allowed to talk about the bedroom.

If it's an awkward look, and you guys are both like, yeah, that was kind of weird, how you feeling about it. I think that's okay. Yes, even talk about the bedroom. If it's an awkward look, and you guys are both like, yeah, that was kind of weird how you feeling about it. I think that's okay. Yes, even though I always say talk outside the bedroom, if it's just like a new person you're with, I don't know when it's right to talk about it at the bedroom, but if you leave there and you both like can't look into each other's eyes because it was so awkward,

like I think you just got, we all have to stop worrying so much about what other people are gonna think and just say stuff in the moment in that way. It's so true. I'm feeling this is awkward. Do you feel this data's awkward? I've just started calling stuff out.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, but let's just call it. And then how great to find out if you're wrong rather than harboring all these things and trying to figure out so many things around. All right, guys. Hope you enjoyed the show. Let me know what you think of it. What topics would you like to hear? things on your own. Alright guys, hope you enjoyed the show, let me know what you think of it, what topics would you like to hear, and some of your questions always thanks to my amazing team,

Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-mail me, feedback at sexwithemlade.com. you