Sex With Emily - Why Does Sex Stop After Marriage?

Starting point is 00:00:03 Think of all the care that goes into wedding vows. You know, it's a big deal. Everyone you're standing up in front of families and friends and these vows are so important. But often we leave sex and intimacy out of the picture. Well, no longer. It's time for the sex vows. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Starting point is 00:00:27 Ah, weddings. They're so ceremonial, so floral. But are all those newlyweds talking about their sex life? life? Well, they probably should be. Married sex is full of tired, toxic cliches, and I'm personally ready to bust. We don't have to settle for absent or boring sex as we grow old together. We do not. So on today's episode, I'm making the case for writing your sex vows before you walk down the aisle, helping you recreate a honeymoon sex if you were married for ages and giving you a lay of the land, culturally speaking, on how we're thinking about sex and

Starting point is 00:00:58 relationships now. Plus, I take your questions, how to navigate bisexuality in a straight marriage, and how to bring the spark back when the spark was a little dim in the first place. Please, please, please, rate and review sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show, it really helps to get the show out to more sex positive people like you. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Look, magnesium is something most of us lack, and if you're taking the drugstore variant, you're still not getting the full picture. And Industrial farming, chronic stress, and everyday aging all make it worse. Here's the real deal.

Starting point is 00:01:37 Magnesium isn't just one thing. There are multiple forms and each one helps your body in a different way. Sleep, recovery, brain function, mood, muscle strength, even energy metabolism. But most supplements only give you one form. Well, that's why I started using Qualia of magnesium plus. It is the only magnesium I found that brings together 10 highly bioavailable forms. plus more than 70 trace minerals to help your body actually use it. So instead of piecemeal your health, you're getting this full spectrum, full body support

Starting point is 00:02:09 that genuinely feels different. And I felt it. So I've been taking it at night. And wow, my sleep is deeper. I wake up less. My muscles recover faster after workouts. And I just feel this steady centered mood throughout the day. Like I'm more resilient.

Starting point is 00:02:25 And it's not just a sleep supplement. Think of it as a magnesium system for modern life. So if you want to experience magnesium the way it was actually meant to work in your body, this is the one I recommend. Experience Qualia, the most trusted magnesium for purity, potency, and performance. It's non-GMO vegan and gluten-free, making it a choice you feel good about. Go to qualiaLife.com slash sex with Emily for 50% off. And here's a bonus.

Starting point is 00:02:50 Use the code sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's qualialife.com slash sex with Emily and use code sex with Emily. K-U-A-L-I-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-O-C-C-W-E-E-L-E-E-L-A-L-L-A-L-L-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-O-L-E-L-L-E-T-E-E-L-E-L-L-TOLS-E-L-W-T-E-W-T-L-E-L-W-T-L-W-T-TOWs, were designed to work together, so nothing pulls you out of the moment. The massage butter is rich and silky, made to help you slow down and stay connected in your body. Their love towels are soft, absorbent, and right there when you need them. So you're not jumping out of bed or breaking the mood. And the intimate blanket is waterproof and bed safe, protecting your sheets so you can relax without worrying about laundry or clean up. When your space feels supported, your body can relax and intimacy flows easier.

Starting point is 00:03:47 Get 15% off your order with my code sex with Emily at checkout on common confidential.com. That's code sex with Emily for 15% of your order. off at common confidential.com. Let's talk weddings, honeymoons, and sex. So I want to do a show on honeymoon sex and beyond since I get questions from you all the time on your sex life changing once you get married. I've even got a question here from one of you where a young woman writes, as soon as we got married, my husband's interest and sex drive plummeted.

Starting point is 00:04:25 Oh, I hear you, listener. That would be painful for me too. So one of the reasons I personally never really coveted marriage was that I saw all these defeatist patterns around me. You know, couples time and not and then completely losing their sex life. You know, it just like dries up. Like we got married and say goodbye to your sex life. And it usually happened within a matter of years.

Starting point is 00:04:50 So that's why I wanted to do this show because I don't want you to fall into the same patterns. And good news for my listener who wrote me because, listen, you absolutely can shift the dynamic with your new husband. So on today's show, we're going to cover a few things, how sex and relationships have changed and why this data is critical to every couple, including newlyweds. How to write your sex vows if you're about to get married, and even if you're in a long-term relationship, you can always write them, and how to plan your pleasure no matter how long you've been married and even revisit some honeymoon sex action. My goal in this episode is to get away from the old toxic cliches about married sex and help you see it in a broader light.

Starting point is 00:05:34 It's my firm belief that every couple can make pleasure intentional all throughout a relationship. So today, that's what we're focusing on. And let me just be clear, this doesn't just apply to people who are about to or already married. These tips are helpful for anyone, no matter what stage of your relationship. Like maybe you're just about to move in together, becoming more serious. Maybe you're meeting each other's families. You just know that the relationship is getting more serious. This show is for you. Let's dive in.

Starting point is 00:06:04 So let me tell you real quickly. How are people thinking about sex and relationships right now? What's changed? Number one, bisexuality is on the rise. Do you know that more than 7% of Americans identifying as such? This was not always a case that bisexuality was even recognized. It certainly didn't have a place in the lesbian or gay community. So I think the stat is true.

Starting point is 00:06:26 and I am seeing bisexuality on the rise. About a quarter of Americans are now interested in having an open relationship. That number is high. A quarter of Americans are thinking about it. You know, and I would say that years ago, not even a quarter of Americans even believed it was possible, even under show what it meant. So that's another trend.

Starting point is 00:06:48 And this is one that I love here, that daters are now finding themselves having deeper conversations more quickly. You know, we don't have time for a small top. We want to know who is this person I'm getting to know. Like, what's the real stuff? We used to call these scary conversations, like, let's have a scary conversation about the commitment or about money or about all these things. But they're just normal conversations right now.

Starting point is 00:07:12 We've had a lot of time to reflect on what was actually important to us and our values. And so now we're just not feeling cheapish or apologetic about having needs and sharing our own desires in relationships. We're also, I found more open talking about anxiety, depression, our struggles, our deeper desires. I love this trend. So what the data tells me is, if you're about to get married, you know, about to move your relationship to another level, then you are in the exact moment to be very open and very real with your soon-to-be partner. I know you might be thinking an open relationship, never. I'm about to get married. I'm not to commit to this person. And listen, if that's your mindset, that is great.

Starting point is 00:07:53 That's amazing. But I'm just sharing these data points with you to shed light and where we are as a culture. So you can make the best possible sex and relationship decisions going forward. And speaking of which, if you haven't gotten married yet, something I would suggest ASAP is just being open to couples counseling. And whether or not you choose to go to counseling still have these deeper conversations with your partner. This is a golden opportunity to envision your future together and weave sex into all the other plans, you know, talking about if you want to have children together, if you want to buy a home together, where you want to live, do you want to live in the city or the country? Talk about money. How important is investing to you and saving and how do you spend money?

Starting point is 00:08:39 Guys, these are the questions that are so important to answer and conversations that are important to have before you move your relationship. to a deeper place or to another level. Ask each other questions like this about how often would we like to have sex together? What does a healthy sex life look like for each of us? Do we always want to be monogamous? Are we open to other relationship models? If we start experiencing a libido mismatch, which is super common, by the way, how do we plan to address it?

Starting point is 00:09:11 What if one of us experiences a shift in our sexuality? For example, we think we're straight now, but evolve into a more bisexual way of being later. How do we plan to address it? Now, these are just sample questions. But my point is, it's really good to be intentional about your sex life now. Don't leave it to chance. I just want to normalize here. Having this level of sex communication in your relationship is so important.

Starting point is 00:09:37 Even if you just want to think about those on your own right now. What does a healthy sex life look like for you? Like, really, think about it. I just think you want to make sure that you're in a relationship with somebody who has a growth mindset around sex. I'm assuming you have a growth mindset around sex because you are listening to this show right now. A growth mindset simply means that you and your partner both acknowledge that sex is going to

Starting point is 00:10:01 change. We're not always going to want sex at the same pace that we want it now and the same way we want it now. Let's just acknowledge that we are open and we understand that this change is going to happen. It's almost inevitable. and let's commit to being open to talking about it. Okay, another tip is to write your sex vows. Okay, let's get in something fun here.

Starting point is 00:10:21 How to write vows that have to do with sex. I mean, think about it. Think of all the care that goes into wedding vows. You know, it's a big deal. Everyone, you're standing up in front of families and friends and these vows are so important. But often we leave sex and intimacy out of the picture. Well, no longer.

Starting point is 00:10:39 It's time for the sex vows. Now, along the line of the questions I think you should be answering and asking of your partner that I just mentioned, I encourage anyone planning a wedding to reflect on sex as a personal value. The same way you think about parenting, spirituality, and religion, all those things. Being a parent, commit your sex vows to paper and treat them with the same care you would your marital vows. I'm not saying you have to read them out loud at the ceremony, no presh, but this is a wedding ritual, I genuinely wish every couple would do. It's save us so many problems in the future.

Starting point is 00:11:19 So here are some examples of what your sex vows might look like. Plus, never too late, even if you don't want to get married or you're already in a relationship, it is never too late to write these sex vows. Here's some ideas. We vow to always honor each other's sexual growth. We vow to stay curious and compassionate about our sex life. We vow to prioritize sexual pleasure in our relationship, whether that means setting aside money for babysitters, putting sex on the calendar, or having regular check-ins. We vow to stay present and connected to one another as our sex life changes.

Starting point is 00:11:54 We vow to be honest with each other if we're experiencing sexual attraction to others. I know, I know that's spicy. You're probably thinking, whoa, Emily, that's pushing it too far. I'm not going to talk about that. But let's be honest. going to happen. There's going to be someone else you might be attracted to. I know. I'm not saying you're going to act on it, but why not acknowledge it? And then you can work with it when it comes up. Why not? These sex vows are just starting points to get you thinking. So why not work them together

Starting point is 00:12:23 or on your honeymoon or do it tonight? Great date night activity. All right. Next, planning your pleasure. Speaking of honeymoons, you know, some of you are listening to this episode going, yeah, yeah, I've been married for 15 years and I'd love to have honeymoon sex, but we haven't had regular sex in ages. So let's see if we can change that too. I've talked a lot already in this show about expecting that your sex life will change after you're married. But if it already has and the changes aren't great, what do you do? Well, a good first step for this kind of situation is a tangible tool, something like the yes, no maybe list. You know, you heard me talk about it. I've got it on my website and it's a super playful activity.

Starting point is 00:13:03 that can help break the ice, especially if you and your partner don't talk about sex on the regular, which again, super common. And because it's literally a menu of sexual behaviors, the yes, no maybe list, it can help each of you think more creatively about sex and possibly help reveal some desires to each other that you weren't even aware of. So the yes, no maybe list lists maybe 70, 80 different sex acts. And I'm telling you it's like so many things. It has like kissing and hugging, but it also is like,

Starting point is 00:13:33 spanking and things like taking a bath together, cuddling, sensual massage. And then you each get to take this little quiz, is it a yes for you? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And what's really interesting for couples, and I've heard from so many of you that this really moved the needle in your relationship is to look at the maybes. Like, huh, you're a maybe on that? I'm a maybe too. Like, what makes it a yes? What would make it a no? And it just really is a great tool to help facilitate this conversation. It's fun. You can download it on our website. It is a free guide. I recommend you do that ASAP. Now, you could also check out the pleasure planner on my website. And this is a tool that walks you through an entire year of sexual pleasure. It helps you actually

Starting point is 00:14:16 map out pleasure by quarter by month. And it's a really helpful tool and allows you to think a little bit deeper about the kind of sex plan you want to have in your relationship, the kind of things you want to do. For example, it helps you make experiential plans together as a couple. You know, for a lot of you, I know that tool in particular is super healing because it just brings back the intentionality to your sex life. Like, we're going to fill this pleasure planner and we're going to make our sex life intentional. You know, we're going to think about. Like, maybe you took the estimate of last year. You're like, we both want to spank each other.

Starting point is 00:14:50 What's keeping us from spanking? And then you think, oh, we want to take a BDSM class or we want to buy some flogers or we both want to get dissential massage. What's the problem? we don't own any massage oil. Well, let's buy some massage oil. Or, you know, maybe you're looking at a lot of things you're wanting to do and you just realize there's no time. So maybe you make a commitment to get a babysitter, you know, once a week, which I highly recommend. Let's talk about bringing the magic of honeymoon sex back into your in real life sex life. And is that even possible? I hear this all the time. People want to know. Is it possible? Is it possible to get that spark back?

Starting point is 00:15:26 Bottom line, listen, if you've been married for a while, you're different people now that. than you were when you walk down the aisle. In fact, I hope you are. We're all different. All the time, we're always growing and changing. I'm a different person than I was six months ago. I work a lot of myself. But still, recreating honeymoon sex can be a helpful, sexy exercise

Starting point is 00:15:45 for just rekindling that spark. Here's some ideas to try. On your next date, try this. Discuss your most favorite times having sex together. Like, really, really do it. Take a walk down memory lane and have each of you describe those peak moments. You can use that as clues for what each of you really desire. You know, maybe you remembered a time when you were on vacation and the sex was really hot.

Starting point is 00:16:10 God, I always hear from a lot of you that vacation sex was the hottest. Or maybe it was a time it was a few months ago and it would kind of move the needle of what you thought was possible. Whatever comes to your mind, like one of the favorite times, discuss it. Because once you like lay those out on the table, you're going to start seeing clues that will help you. We'll help you figure out some patterns and figure out what was hot for both of you. I love the idea also of getting nostalgic. Talk to each other about how and why you first fell for each other. What was it that drew you to your partner?

Starting point is 00:16:42 I love hearing these stories. I love talking about it with my partner. He's like, I remember that first conversation we had on the date or what you were wearing. That conversation we had really made me realize you were someone I want to be with. Or in month three, I remember that outfit you wore, but it could just be silly things. But getting nostalgic, looking at old memories or old photos really helps to bond couples. And another way to carry that along would to make plans to recreate something from your early courtship. Now, that could look like a staycation where you spend the night in a local hotel together.

Starting point is 00:17:17 Huge fan of hotel sex personally. Love it. Or it could be more low-key and playful, like revisiting your very very very good. first date spot. And here's a pro tip. Treat it as you would have back then, i.e. meet each other there rather than drive your destination together. Ask get to know you questions. You know, it's a little bit of role play, you know, but you're role playing your past selves. And I know that sounds silly, but it's really kind of fun and sexy to do. I've totally done that before. I'm like, so. Like since I'll all this joke with my partner, I'll be like, so what brings you here? So where'd

Starting point is 00:17:50 you grow up? I'll just say that to him sounds like, where do you grow up? And we just kind of get into it. It's kind of like a pretend conversation, but it takes you back to the time you first met. And those butterflies. You can channel those inner butterflies from earlier in the relationship. Whether or not this exercise turns into full-on honeymoon sex is besides the point. But the goal is you're shaking things out of your usual routine and getting intentional and playful together. That is the energy that you brought to your honeymoon. After all, a lot of intention with a lot of exploration and play. That's what we're talking about here. All right, there you have it. That's the lay of the land with wedding, sex, relationships, how to write your sex vows, how to recreate

Starting point is 00:18:35 some honeymoon sex, all of it. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. Here's Abigail 20 from Orange Beach. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a dilemma. I am 20 and recently married in October 2021. Before our marriage, our sex life was definitely satisfying and fun. had very high sex drives. But after we married, within weeks, his interest and drive plummeted. I expected our sex life to get even better once we married. But now we only have sex maybe once a week or week and a half if I persist. And when we do it, it's short-lived and doesn't last long enough for me to really enjoy it. We've had him tested, no issues popped up, no testosterone issues or any other health problems. He admits he hardly has a sex drive and has no idea why. We haven't been

Starting point is 00:19:29 married long, but I'm already feeling extremely unsatisfied. And the longer it goes on, the more I lose my own sex drive. We both expected things to be so wonderful. Please help. I feel like I'm missing out on the fun and adventure sexual experiences of being newly married. I am so thankful for your show. Thank you. All right, Abigail, thank you for your question. And listen, this is super relatable. There's a lot of couples who get together and they realize, oh my God, where did all the sex go. And I hear it from all people. Like it could be the penis owner, the vulva owner, just someone usually doesn't want sex as often as the other one. And I also want to remind everybody that in every relationship always, always, always, there's a high desire and a low

Starting point is 00:20:13 desire partner. There's always going to be someone who wants more sex than someone else. Very rarely is it equal, except for in the early stages of the relationship, i.e., the honeymoon sex, part of the relationship. So you're saying you got through the honeymoon sex, you got married, and it just plummet. So I hear you mention. then he got his testosterone checked. And let me just mention that testosterone hormonal tests are not typically that accurate. Meaning you're supposed to get him tested at certain times a month. Blood work can be less accurate than other ways to test testosterone.

Starting point is 00:20:44 But it could be something else. There's a lot of things that impact our sex drive. Like more things than not impact our sex drive. For example, is he stressed about anything? Is he stressed about money? Is he stressed about his job? That could impact your sex drive. That could impact his ability to perform.

Starting point is 00:20:59 Is he on any medications like for depression, anxiety? Does he drink? Does he smoke weed? Is he depressed? Does he have an issue sleeping? How is his self-esteem? How is his health overall? I mean, these are all the things that can impact our ability to have sex,

Starting point is 00:21:23 desire sex. You know, look at those things. And it might kind of help you figure. out what it might be. Because it's interesting that just shifted right away, you said, after you got married. And again, it can be stress and anxiety. It's one of the biggest killers of our sex drive is worrying about money and our work. So take a look at those things. And if that resonates, you know, you're like, oh, yeah, he is really stressed. Well, that's the thing we got to tackle right there. And I want to know also, how is your intimacy overall? Are you connecting? Are you holding hands?

Starting point is 00:21:56 Are you making time for date nights? Super important. You guys never. stop dating each other. Any other tensions going on in the relationship. Does he masturbate? Is he sexual beyond the time that you have together? Do you masturbate? Something you could also try together. Love a hot mutual masturbation session. In hearing some of those, maybe some of those are resonating with you. You know, you're like, yeah, maybe he's really stressed or he is on medication. Well, that's something to look at. And we have a lot of great information about that on our website. I've talked about a lot on shows about how to kind of tackle some of the things that might be impacted. but regardless of what the culprit is, and sometimes there's a few culprits, it's also a great

Starting point is 00:22:35 time for you to explore your intimate life together. Have you talked about your turn-ons? You know, what are they? What turned you both on? What are the memorable times you've had sex together? Get invested each other's pleasure. You can also try taking sex to find as penetration off the table, reduce any potential pressure, and focus on just connecting, creating intimacy, with one another, making time for those date nights or just to hold hands or to have some of these conversations. Take different nights to make it all about each other's pleasure, like one night's about your pleasure, the next night it's about his pleasure. And talking about your turn-ons, I have to say, is helpful. Just try something new in the bedroom. It is so crucial. But we crave

Starting point is 00:23:20 some time and long-term relationships or after we commit is a novelty, the spontaneity. Also, listen, it's never too soon to get into couples counseling, to get into therapy, have someone on your side as a mediator that can help you as work through any potential conflicts. But let me say this, Abigail, you are young, you're in a new relationship. And if he's not willing to talk about sex, to really look at his own sex drive and to take matters into his own hands, because you could help facilitate this conversation, but he has to want to figure out his sex drive. He has to figure out what it would take for him to be a wonderful lover to you. If he's not interested in any of this, you have more information right now to make a more educated decision about the relationship and

Starting point is 00:24:04 if this is someone that you really want to go of the distance with. Because if our partner is saying, nope, not going to work on it, don't care. This is how I am. I'm just never going to want sex. Well, you know, then you get to decide, is this someone you want to spend your life with? This is from Darren 25 in the Midwest. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm asking on behalf of my fiance. We've been together for almost seven years and we'll be getting married this summer. Over the past year or so, my fiancee expressed that she realized she's into women. Kind of always has been, but actually came out to me about it. We've started going to strip clubs together, and I love seeing her enjoy fun with the dancers. Once married, she really wants to try seeking out women again. We've tried

Starting point is 00:24:42 in the past finding other girls who may be interested in meeting her or us mainly on Tinder, but that seems to deliver some bad results. They seem to lie about their experience, what they're looking for or all of a sudden they have a boyfriend that they want to be part of the equation. She has zero interest in other men. Even puts it in her bio and is still asked. This has caused her a lot of stress and decided it's to be put off until after the wedding. Where can she go to meet straightforward, like-minded females? Is this even possible?

Starting point is 00:25:10 Is it just luck? It took her a long time to open up and I wanted her to have the freedom to find herself sexually. Would love any help if you have it. Thank you. All right. Well, congratulations on your marriage. truly. I love that. And I love this question. Just because this has been your experience in the past doesn't mean it's always going to be like this. I think that it's really important to get even clearer

Starting point is 00:25:34 on your intentions and do a little bit more work to find your people. You know, getting clear on the apps wherever you go and getting clear on your intentions will be helpful. So you mentioned that you're looking for someone to meet her or both of you. So are you looking for a threesome? You know, someone to connect with just your partner sexually. Is it romantic? There's a big difference between being sexual and romantic. You know, I have a friend who's married just recently told me that they brought in another woman. And my friend, it was her idea. Similar to your fiancee was like, it didn't work with the third because the woman was like, wanted more of an emotional. connection and my friend's like, I just want to have sex with you. So it's really important to get

Starting point is 00:26:23 super clear and to drill down. Do you want to be involved in the same way with someone? So maybe it's just been ambiguous and that's why you're getting a bunch of people who aren't quite clear on what you're looking for because maybe you guys aren't as clear. It's all marketing in these apps. So the two of you need to get real specific on how your partner wants to explore her bisexuality in a way that you're comfortable with. So you can plan to make that fantasy or reality. Now don't feel limited, you know, just to use Tinder, every app is good for something different. She can try Hinge, Bumble, or an app that allows you to be more specific in your intentions, like what you're looking for, like Field, F-E-E-E-L-D, or hashtag Open,

Starting point is 00:27:00 which allows you to date as both a couple and single, and it's friendly for people in non-monogamous relationships. She can also explore with people outside the apps. Two of you can find a play party in your area. You're in the Midwest, and you might want to look at FetLife, F-E-T-L-I-F-E that might have some parties in your area. Skirt Club is a space for bi-curious and bisexual women to connect through play parties and events all over the world. Now, you wouldn't be able to join her, but she could explore her sexuality in a place like that

Starting point is 00:27:33 where other women are in relationships and just want an open place to explore. So I just love that you are really helping facilitate this for your partner. And I think that once you kind of try these different angles, you're going to find that it's going to get a lot easier, especially when you get clear and specific. And remember, you want to keep discussing your boundaries and what kind of sex you're open to. And after you have an experience, it's really important to download afterwards and just make sure that you both check in about what felt good, what didn't. You can keep readjusting and communicating in a healthy way about what's on limits and what's off limits. So came and posted and let me know how it goes. This is from Amanda 30

Starting point is 00:28:14 in Alabama. Hey, Dr. Amley, my husband, I've been married for seven years. In None of these years have we had a great sex life. Now we have a one-year-old, and the tiny bit of a sex life we had before is completely gone. We've had sex three times since my son was born. Now it's just awkward, like we've lost our way and I don't know how to navigate back. Do we go straight to couples therapy or sex therapy, or are there things we can try first? I already made up. Thank you so much for your question.

Starting point is 00:28:46 Now, your question's a little bit different than the other questions. And I'll tell you why in a second, but first, let me just say this. It's completely normal to take some time away from sex, especially when your lives get busy. And I mean, really, after having a child, I mean, come on, that's legend. This is legend. You have a child and you just sex, it's on the back burner. It happens. But I do love that you are asking this question and taking steps to reclaim your sex life

Starting point is 00:29:16 with your partner. Let me say why this is a little bit different. You've never had a great sex life, ever. You've married someone. Sex has never been great. And I want to know more about that. Now, was it great before you got married? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like married for seven years and it's never been great. I'm concerned because when we don't have a place to go back to, to think about, like remember those early days and all the things, which is what we're talking about a lot of this episode, like stoking that early fire and like reminiscing and using nostalgia and all those things. But you've never had it. And so I'm curious what you think that is about. Did you tell yourself when you were getting married like, you know, maybe it's not less important

Starting point is 00:29:54 and now it feels more important to you? Has it become more important to you? Has it become more important to your partner? Has something changed? Because let me tell you this, when we have a baby, hormones change. Our levels change. Sometimes we feel like a completely different person. We no longer have the same sex drive since we feel more depressed or more anxious or more sad or, you know, you've heard of, you know, postpartum. And so it kind of can also change the way we think about things or remember things. If hormones are particularly out of whack, let's just say that. So that's something to consider.

Starting point is 00:30:32 It was never there. And so you're basically what you're asking me is, can I create sexual attraction chemistry? Can I, can we have really hot sex? starting new because we've never had it before. And that's a little bit more challenging because you're already in the relationship. You already have a child together. So what I would suggest, though, is having a conversation with your partner about your sex life. And you can think about my three teas of communication, timing, tone, and turf. You want to do it outside the bedroom. You want to do it on date night or time when you guys are relaxing and hanging out and you're just not worried and

Starting point is 00:31:11 stressed about all things you're stressed about. And the tone is light and curious, which is really important for your situation, especially that. And the conversation goes like this, like, hey, you know, let's talk about our sex life. And let's talk about our connection to each other. I know we both want to make it work. And we really both want to be great lovers to each other. And so, what can we do? I'm telling you having date nights that are non-negotiable, you do not cancel, you always have a babysitter, and it's going to happen. It's just as important as your checkups with your doctor. There have been studies that have shown that couples who have date nights in place and they honor it are way more likely to report having better sex, healthier relationships overall. And I know it can be

Starting point is 00:32:02 hard to do, but it is crucial that you guys have time away from the stressors of home and away from your child so you can prioritize your relationship. And I think therapy would be fantastic for both of you. This might be really more challenging on your own. Couples, sex therapy, always a great option. It does have to be a last resort. In fact, I think that therapy, the earlier, the better, it's actually best to go to therapy when you're not at rock bottom

Starting point is 00:32:26 because you can build skills to get through things, you know, at any point in your relationship. Really important. And listen to the show together. Talk about your turn-ons. A lot of couples listen to the show together, and they realize that they can develop a language around sex that they never had and they can learn how to prioritize it.

Starting point is 00:32:45 Maybe both of you just don't have a lot of experience having really wonderful sex with other people. Maybe it just wasn't with your partner. You have to be honest, I had a lot of relationships that weren't that satisfying and I would report as a sex not being that great in my long-term relationships. Come to find out now, you know, because this is my job and I've spent many, many years, almost two decades studying this, that that was actually on me. I didn't know what it took to have great sex. never worked to myself. I barely masturbated. I barely knew how to communicate. I didn't even know

Starting point is 00:33:14 what great sex was. So maybe this is a great time for you both to sort of learn together about each other's bodies and what makes you feel good and masturbate together and like do some things to see like who are you both as sexual beings and can you come together and create an extraordinary sex life. Let's start from the place of let's build something we have never had together. and see what happens. You got nothing to lose here and everything to gain. All right. Thanks for your email, Amanda.

Starting point is 00:33:46 This is from Aaron 31 in Salt Lake City. Dear Dr. Emily, my boyfriend had been together for over nine years and we live together. I want to get married eventually, but he has no interest. He thinks that weddings are self-centered displays of vanity and wealth, and he finds the thought of a wedding embarrassing. Over the past few years, we have both been invited to many of his friends and families' weddings, and I've noticed feelings of jealousy arise to me when I attend them. He has a great time, and I'm left feeling resentful, that we can't experience that for ourselves.

Starting point is 00:34:17 How could I get over this jealousy? Any help would be so appreciated. I love your show. All right, Erin, listen, totally makes sense. I'm getting jealous and resenting this for you. It's totally normal. You know, you want to get married, and your partner doesn't want to get married. Does he know that you want to get married? Have you two had a healthy discussion about marriage?

Starting point is 00:34:43 Because it sounds like he's come at it from a really negative place, but they're probably more beneath that. There's probably a reason why he finds it's shameful or embarrassing or it's a gross display of wealth to get married. Like when did he develop that opinion of weddings? And why? Maybe you'll find that there's more to it and it's actually not about marriages and weddings, but it's about something else. And also ask him this, like would he be interested in? getting married without a ceremony. And how important is the ceremony or the party to you? And you can let them know why marriage is important to you. Maybe it's important for you to have a really big party and celebrate and have all your friends and family there. Or maybe the ceremony is important to you and let's less about the party. I think you should really tease this out together from a curious,

Starting point is 00:35:28 open, non-judgmental, non-threatening place. Can you both really just talk about what it is about marriage that's important to you or not important to you? I'm just, just going to kind of give some examples here, Erin, because we're not talking to you about this. But let's say you really want to get married because, you know, you come from a place where you always pictured yourself walking down the aisle as a young girl and it's been a big tradition in your family. It's something you've always like really wanted and it's important to you have that commitment and you just can't see a life without it. It's part of what love is about. You're not going to let that go. Or maybe you're thinking, you know what, I actually don't want a party either.

Starting point is 00:36:04 I just want to know that we are married. It's important for me to have that commitment and have the paperwork, but you don't care about a party. Or maybe you just really want the party, but you actually don't want the marriage certificate, but you just want a huge party with all your friends and family. You know, like, what is it? Tease it out. Get really granular and break it down together. What's this about? Because listen, neither one of you are right here, neither one of you are wrong. The only place is if you don't really talk about it and understand each other. I think you guys could probably work this out. You get to decide, get specific about your likes and dislikes and see if you can come to agreement about what that means for the future of your relationship.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Because this is a really important thing. It's getting you distressed, which I understand. If you're going to wedding after wedding and you're realizing this will never be mine, well, that's painful. So that's a great place to start when you're talking to them. Please have this conversation soon and figure out if you're on the same page because I would love it if you guys would keep going and build a healthy relationship. Let me know how it goes.

Starting point is 00:37:07 That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. and if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Starting point is 00:37:29 Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

Sex With Emily - Why Does Sex Stop After Marriage?

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.