Sex With Emily - Why 'Good Girl' Turns Some People On So Much

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Starting point is 00:01:44 needs are getting met as well. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today we're talking about praise kink and how it can flip the arousal switch for so many. We'll zoom out to core erotic desires. The specific feelings you crave in bed, like being worshipped, powerful, taking care of, or a little transgressive, and how to spot yours and your fantasies. We'll also get practical how to ask for the turn-ons you want and give them back, how to bring praise into your dirty talk without it feeling cheesy, and how to play with

Starting point is 00:02:20 power dynamics safely and consensually. My intention is to normalize your desires, give you language to communicate them and help you build sex that feels affirming, hot, and deeply connecting. All right, let's get into it. I've been seeing something trending, and that is praise kink. Now, this has been trending on Google searches and especially on TikTok for a while now, so I thought, why don't we get into it? Okay, some of you might be wondering, well, what is that? And some of you might already know you have a praise kink, and some of you might realize you happen by the end of this episode. It's all good. So I'm going to answer all of your questions about praise kinks, other kinks that I've been training recently, as well as how they all connect

Starting point is 00:03:06 to your core erotic desires, which is a really juicy topic that I'm going to get into shortly. So first off, what is a praise kink? Now, as a refresher, some of you remember that a kink is anything outside of conventional sex, which doesn't have an exact definition. but for many it's basically this. Penetrative, missionary-style sex, orgasming, or just one of you does, let's be honest, and you both roll over and fall asleep. Now, if you have a praise kink, that likely means that you get turned on, aroused, or pleasure from receiving praise. Now, this can be verbal compliments, words of encouragement, or any suggestions of approval from a partner. So if you find yourself getting sexually turned on by praise, well, you might have a praise kink.

Starting point is 00:03:55 And yes, we all like to receive compliments. In fact, I can't think of people who don't like to receive compliments. Although there are those people that you give a compliment and they seem very shy or embarrassed and they give it right back to you. But that doesn't mean they don't like it, that there isn't some deep level what feels good to get a compliment. But what we're talking about today is building sexual tension, like compliments that you get and you just feel it in your loins, right?

Starting point is 00:04:18 And last week we did talk about building sexual attention on the episode. But these kind of compliments, they not only boost our confidence, but they make us feel seen by our partner. I might even argue that exchanging compliments between you and your partner is one of the baseline requirements for a healthy relationship. And I just want to say this, if you know that about yourself, I mean, maybe words of affirmation is your love language, and you require that, I want you know that it's okay to request from your partner that you receive more affirmations and positive feedback and just compliments. I don't think that we should be walking around like, does my partner think I'm hot? Do they like me? Do they think I'm

Starting point is 00:04:56 smart? And to me, I'm going to go on a limb and say that doesn't feel like a very healthy relationship if you're not getting your needs met. And it's also okay to ask for it. I'm reflecting here on a relationship I was in many years ago where my partner would hand out these compliments to me very sparingly. Like not enough to the point where I'd be like, can you just tell me I'm hot? Can you just, I know I look good right now. Like don't you love my haircut or my shoes or my outfit? Because let's be honest, we take a lot of time sometimes putting ourselves together. And he would tease me and say, oh, you need a little affirmation nugget. You know, like Pavlovian dog, like give me a nugget. Give me a nugget. And then yes, I did. And I did not

Starting point is 00:05:32 mind asking for it. So, and then he would give me more of it. But it just still felt like, you know, we had other problems in our relationship. Don't get me wrong. But it's reminding me that like I asked for it. I got it. He wasn't as comfortable giving it. Now, I talked to him about it a lot. And some people, you might relate to this. But compliments can be used as like weapons or bargaining tools in a relationship. And I think where he came from, I've heard this from you as well. Well, if I give you a compliment, it's going to go to your head. Or if I give you too many compliments, you're just going to feel like, you know, you're this amazing thing. Or it also, some people think if they give compliments, it makes them weaker. Like if I compliment my partner too much,

Starting point is 00:06:08 they're going to have the power. I just want to say, if that is your belief, I would take a moment and think about, is that true? Where'd you get that information from? Would you like to check that with your partner. Because I think withholding compliments on the basis of it's going to give away your power, give someone else too much power, isn't always that healthy. Okay? So just check that in your relationship. But what we're talking about here again is praise kinks. And not all of us have a sexual response to receiving positive feedback. I'm just talking baseline in a relationship. I think it's very healthy to genuinely, specifically and effectively praise your partner. Now, although anyone can have a praise kink, including those who like to dominate in the bedroom,

Starting point is 00:06:48 this kink is typically more aligned with people who like to lean into their submissive sexual energy. For example, being told good girl or good boy during sex is also a hot way to intensify power play. So the dominant partner can use praise to control their submissive partner and give them directions. Or, for example, do this sexual act, like get on your knees. and then I'll tell you like, good girl, you're a good girl, or go fetch me my vibrator. All right, good boy, good boy. So that's what we're talking about. But priest kinks don't have to be associated with power play either.

Starting point is 00:07:25 They can be stirred by general praises like, oh, that feels so good, baby, you're amazing. Or I love the way you taste. You're amazing. I can't get enough of you. You know, you look so hard. I love the way your body looks. And this praise also can be nonverbal, like caressing their cheek, twirling their teeth, twirling their hair, looking deep into their eyes and admiration. You get it. So much of what we say

Starting point is 00:07:49 and we communicate is nonverbal anyway. And I have to say knowing and accepting that you have a praise kink or that you actually require praise during sex can be incredibly powerful if you struggle with body image issues in and out of the bedroom. You know, how reassuring to hear your partner say, babe, you look so hot. I'm obsessed with your body. especially if you don't feel so great about your body. And I have to say that I, in reflecting on this, you know, I hear from so many of you, we definitely cover this in smart sex if you haven't grabbed a copy yet. But one of the pillars of sexual intelligence is self-acceptance.

Starting point is 00:08:28 And self-acceptance is all about confidence. And I give a lot of tips in the book for how to build our confidence in the bedroom and otherwise. But when reflecting on praise kink, I really think this helps with body confidence. In fact, my current partner is always telling me how hot I look in the bed. and he loves me to dress up in certain things that, you know, I know that I find a hot and he finds a hot and it's constant. And I don't feel like in any way it's not genuine. And it does help me. I don't think about my body when I'm with him. I don't think about body image because I do feel so accepted by him. And so I would just think that for many of us, whether or not you want to

Starting point is 00:09:04 define it as a praise kink, it really doesn't matter if you ever use the term praise kink. But just think for yourself. Would it help you feel more present and actually feel more pleasure as well in the bedroom if your partner gave you compliments about your body every time you have sex? Because I'm hard-pressed to think of a time when I don't get it. Now, it's not every single moment, but just knowing that my partner genuinely finds me desirable and attractive and hot, I really don't have time or place to go to, well, is that really true? Or hasn't he seen my thighs lately or, you know? So I just think that there's a lot to this, you know, we're calling it praise kink, but to really getting general admiration and affection for your partner to help you if you are

Starting point is 00:09:50 feeling more insecure and less confident in the bedroom. And if so, this is your invitation to let your partner know how good it would feel to know what they find sexy, hot, and attractive about you. And also to give it back to them, right? It goes both ways. And I always tell my partner or how hot he is and how sexy I think he is, because I genuinely do. I genuinely feel when I see him, like even like last night, we were at a party. I'm like, you're so hot. Like, I tell him that all the time because I'm struck by it. So if you find yourself holding your tongue or kind of dosing out compliments, you know,

Starting point is 00:10:23 maybe just go crazy and like OD on them. It goes both ways and it can feel really, really good. Let's get into something else here that's sort of the umbrella term that includes praise kink. but this is your core erotic desires, okay? So using the example of praise kink, though, let's talk about why it might be giving you a sexual charge. Now, we've already agreed we can all like getting compliments in bed. But each of us also possesses core erotic desires,

Starting point is 00:10:51 something that I really get into in smart sex, and this is under the self-knowledge pillar of sexual intelligence. Core erotic desires help you understand why you, have sex? What's your motivation? What's going to get you there? What's going to turn you on? Aside from just having an orgasm. So what are they? These are the specific feelings you want to experience during sex. And you don't necessarily choose them. What I'm talking about here are core rock desires that stem from your lived experience. Maybe it was moments in your childhood. Without getting too deep into the psychology now and you can find more of this in my book and in other shows,

Starting point is 00:11:33 but just know this, perhaps at some point in your childhood, something good or bad triggered a sexual response. And then that experience laid the foundation for the specific feeling that we require to be sexually present. Let me give you an example. So maybe you felt in your home that you didn't often receive enough, enough affirmations from your caregivers or from people around you. But maybe there was a time when you were younger where you maybe were going to

Starting point is 00:12:03 through puberty because again, a lot of these things get locked in when we're just starting to feel like we're sexual beings. At a moment of feeling aroused, something happened or you thought of something where you were being praised for something and it kind of got locked in your brain. Maybe it was saying that you were missing, that it was lacking for you. So it got locked in that when I do feel celebrated and affirmed, it also turns me on. So it gets linked up with your core desires. Now, other core desires could be some negative things. Maybe you were humiliated in some way. Maybe somebody was really critical of you, but at that same time, you were also, were in an erotic mindset. And then that would also get linked in. Or maybe you

Starting point is 00:12:44 were humiliated at home, but it somehow got connected to your fantasies. And what I want to say is it's all okay. It's different for everybody. But I just love to give you a little bit more tools so you can understand more of who you are as a sexual being. Be less, like, I guess, weary of your turn-ons and lean into them more. So you can use them as a fuel to help you have more pleasurable sex and to understand what is required for you to be present, aroused, and turn on in the bedroom. So we covered praise kink. So maybe you want to feel worshipped in bed, like the other person cannot believe they get to have sex with you. Like it's a true honor to be in your bed. And maybe you want to feel special. Like you're the only person who can

Starting point is 00:13:30 inspire these feelings. And let me just say cited about the word special. I just had a flash to when I was in therapy. I remember like in my in my late 20s, a therapist said to me, God, it seems like everything you do, Emily, you want to feel special. You want to feel like you're, you do something different than others. You want to stand above the crowd. And and at the time I was like, is that true? And why would I want that? And I of course had judgment around it like it was somehow, you know, not right. But I found in my, in the years that actually it's really common for a lot of us to want to feel special. And here are some theories why. Maybe you had a bunch of siblings and you didn't get the attention that you thought you needed or maybe one sibling got it more than you. Maybe you were

Starting point is 00:14:07 overlooked in the classroom and you never felt like you stood out, right? And it was really important for you to feel like you were an individual and you were doing something special, right? So again, that could also translate into the bedroom. And I think feeling special is a common desire. Okay. And it might link into our core rodic desires. But another thing is you could have the opposite of a praise kink and get turned on by the feelings of humiliation. Now, people with humiliation kinks might be turned on by cuck holding and that is watching your partner have sex with somebody else or being just tucked down to by your partner. Maybe you're turned on by being called something like pejorative like you're a slut, you're a whore, you know,

Starting point is 00:14:48 you're dumb, you're an idiot, you make bad decisions or, you know, that could be it. Or maybe you want to feel naughty or transgressive like you're getting away with something. And And this is the person who might like to have sex in public places. Like they get a charge out of the feeling they could get caught at any moment. And then that's the fuel that turns them on. Maybe you want to feel taken or ravished like someone else is a control over your body. You know, it could also look more extreme like CNC or consensual non-consent sex, which is a form of role play where you're simulating for sex.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Okay. But before you're thinking like, wait, like who would want to feel this? Why would you want to feel like you're forced into sex? Or why would you want to feel, you know, like you are, you know, a slut in bed? I don't understand it. But just know this. Until you really understand your core desire, I believe it's going to limit your sexual satisfaction because then you'll be wanting something you can't quite have.

Starting point is 00:15:47 It's like a sexual thirst you can't quench. And the reason why you might not have actualized this yet is because you might have a judgment around it. Oh, I don't want to go there to my transgressive canker. gosh, I just feel really bad. I'm a feminist and I've worked so hard to be seen as equal and now I want to be called a slut. I'm very confused by it. Well, listen, what happens in the bedroom does not happen in the boardroom. What happens in the bedroom is about you feeling and knowing that you deserve to be sexually pleased and satisfied in a consensual way however you

Starting point is 00:16:19 see fit with a healthy partner. So how do we actualize praise cake and our core erotic desires? So now that you know about these and where they come from, how do you turn these fantasies into reality? Well, the first place to start is actually your fantasies. So by mining the contents of your fantasy life, you can start to pick up on themes. And these are going to give you clues about the way you want to feel in a sexual context. Now, fantasies don't always have to be super extreme either. Like, here's a G-rated example. If you fantasize about your partner surprising you with an elaborate date where they've planned everything. They've got the tickets. They've brought you a new dress, a new outfit. They told you what to wear. They made the dinner

Starting point is 00:17:04 reservation. Well, maybe you've got a core erotic desire around being nurtured. I mean, there's nothing more that I love my partner's like sushi reservation at 8 o'clock. I'll pick you up. I'm like, great, you made a plan. You know I love sushi. You're going to drive things that I love. On the other hand, maybe you do fantasize about more overtly sexual scenarios. So here's is a little bit more R-rated example. If you fantasize about pinning someone down, about someone begging to have sex with you, about teasing them, well, maybe you have a core right desire around being powerful. That powerful, being in charge is really hot for you.

Starting point is 00:17:44 So that's the first step. Just take note of your fantasies. Like, is there a similar theme to them? Is there just one fantasy that keeps coming up? And then look for emotional themes. Next, just bring them up to your partner with a simple question. And this is definitely in the communication is lubrication territory. Tell them this.

Starting point is 00:18:05 Hey, I'd love to share some of my fannies with you and see where it leads, you know, see where it gets us in the bedroom. I'd also love to hear some of yours. Would you be open to that? Now, if that feels too vulnerable, you can always lean on my yes, no maybe guide, to get the conversation going and simply break the ice around new sex ideas. If you don't know about the yes no maybe guide, it's a free downloadable guide on our website. We can also put a link in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Just another way to help you communicate more effectively with your partner and get your needs met. That's what we want, right? Okay, then you can start introducing elements of your fantasy life into your real life, little by little. Remember, this is collaboration and it is self-knowledge. These are the pillars of smart sex. So if you read smart sex, you're reading it, you know what I'm talking about. talking about. So to collaborate well with your partner and getting your needs met, you first need to know what to ask for. So let's go back to the person who wants to be nurtured.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Well, that's their core erotic desire. This could simply look like this. Hey, babe, it turns me on so much when you plan an entire date night for us. And all I have to do is know the day and the time. Could we put that on the calendar for this month? Of course, it's also gracious and kind to follow up with, and how can I turn you on this month? Is there something you've been fantasizing about that I can do for you? I want to reinforce that like, we plan every other area of our life, right? We plan our workouts, we plan our doctor's appointments, we plan times with the family. I'm asking you to think about your sex life. When I say prioritize your pleasure, this is what I'm talking about. Like asking for what you want and literally planning it and putting in the calendar

Starting point is 00:19:49 and making it a collaboration so it's not just about your needs, but you make sure. that your partner's needs are getting met as well. Okay, so let's go back to that person who wants to feel powerful in bed. The move here is not to spring restraints, ballgags, blindfolds on them all at once. Like, we don't need to go like full 50 shades here with a dungeon. Rather, you could tell them something like, hey, the thought of tying you up turns me on so much. So next time we have sex, would it be okay if I tied your wrist together over your head?

Starting point is 00:20:20 Would that be hot for you? Like, what are your thoughts? And remember, it's open-ended. You're not declaring like, I will tie you up next time. I mean, maybe once you guys get into that, but at the beginning, it's open, your tone is compassionate, curious, you're sharing what you want, you're asking what they want, right? And you're getting consent here. You're like saying, is that okay if this happens, and you're also collaborating, pillar three. And this is how you bring someone into your fantasy on a practical level. And once you start getting hits of your core desires,

Starting point is 00:20:50 that ideally once your partner starts seeing how much it turned you on, you can build from there to deepen your play, guided by your fantasies and your core erotic desires. Don't go away good boys and good girls. When we're back, I'm answering your kinky questions. This is from Seth 34 and Wynette. Hey, Dr. Emily, I didn't learn until my late 20s that I had any interest in kinky sex. I especially didn't understand how anyone got off on using or degrading their partner.

Starting point is 00:21:30 It all clicked for me when my girlfriend at the time shared that this was her kink. It took almost six months of dating before she finally felt enough courage to open up about it. It turned out she loved it when I used her like an object that was just there to satisfy my lust. As part of it, she got off on being called a slut or whore. and occasionally for things to get rough while in the act. At times, we even experimented successfully with some CNC scenes. That's consensual non-consent. The biggest surprise for me was that it quenched a thirst I didn't know I personally had.

Starting point is 00:22:04 I don't know if it was the pleasure I got from satisfying her kink, or that the kink just so happened to resonate with me. Probably a bit of both, and I also found it hot that she knew exactly what she wanted. The relationship didn't work out. We broke up after less than two years of being together. Well, currently, I'm engaged to my partner, and it's the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The sex is spectacular.

Starting point is 00:22:26 My fiancé is very open-minded about accepting and participating in my kinks, even though she doesn't identify as kinky herself. I've truly gotten to live out some of my wildest fantasies with her. Even though my current partner is happy to indulge my kinkiness, I find my mind wandering back to those times with my ex. At times, I start feeling like there's an itch that I can't scratch. because my fiance isn't getting the level of gratification out of it that I like. I know it's normal to reminisce on past sexual experiences, but I find myself wishing I could

Starting point is 00:22:58 experience that feeling again, and I'm not sure what to do with that. Thanks for your help. All right, thank you, Seth, for your question and for sharing your story. You didn't realize your kink until your late 20s. And also, I just want to say that I love that you've been able to explore your kinky side with at least two partners, your ex and your fiancé. And I also want acknowledge that it is completely normal for our minds to wander back to partners from our past. I mean, it's way more normal than we talk about. And I think that we often feel guilt and shame around it. So it's totally okay for us to play back things, to think about our ex. And I think the more we fight it and feel bad about it, the less we can actually learn from it and actually

Starting point is 00:23:39 use it as, you know, tools to fuel our fantasies. And just reminder to everybody, just because you think about a previous partner, you know, either consciously in a dream, it does not mean you, like, miss them, or you made a mistake, or you should get back together with them. There's a lot of reasons why. I mean, first off, this is somebody that we love. They're a big part of our life. Maybe something happens in our life and it triggers memories of them, you know, or maybe it brings up emotions that you haven't felt since you were with them or experiences.

Starting point is 00:24:09 Again, doesn't mean you should run back to your X, right? So especially if this X had a strong impact on your life. I mean, she was the one who made you unlock your kinky side so you had this bond together. That's a strong impact. But I want to say this. This is what stuck out for me, really. Even though your fiancé doesn't identify as kinky herself, she is very open to playing with your kinks and exploring sexually.

Starting point is 00:24:31 So I would say that she's kinkier than she thinks. But here's the thing that I want to remind you, you weren't even aware of this particular kink you had until your last partner, your ex, was open to it. And then you realize that you actually got off because she was getting off. Like you were able to fulfill her fantasy. So what I'm seeing here for you is a wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance to take some time to uncover what her core erotic desires may be. She might not have taken time yet to uncover them.

Starting point is 00:25:07 So I know when she does uncover them and then you get to fulfill them, you're going to be able to feel that same level of satisfaction from satisfying a need that she has. So what I'm saying here is it's not so specifically about the degradation kink that you had with her. It was more about the fact that you deeply felt you were able to satisfy her needs. To help your partner uncover her core erotic desires, you could ask her like what she fantasizes about. When does she feel the most seen? What does she think about when she's masturbating? What scenes that she used to daydeme about as a teenager or a young adult. What's the most memorable time she's ever had sex with you? What was happening in that moment? I think that you're going to find out a lot here. And even if it doesn't align to

Starting point is 00:25:52 maybe your core erotic desire, you still might find some extremely satisfying sessions and feel very satisfied gratifying your partner. So I hope this helps Seth. Just keep playing, keep exploring, keep talking. And I truly wish you both along and sexually satisfying life together. That's what I want for you. That's what I want for all of you. This is from Tim. Tiffany 34 in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to you for a couple years now and you've changed my sex life and honestly to some extent my marriage. So thank you. Thank you, Tiffany. I'm so glad you've been listening and I've helped you. I love hearing that. This is why I do what I do. Thanks, Tiffany. Okay, with this being said, my husband and I got into some of my fantasy acts a while

Starting point is 00:26:32 back and it was awesome. So went like this. I tied him up face up and that way everything was available. It was truly so freaking hot. Well, a couple of nights. later, he thought it'd be fun to tighten me up. Honestly, I'm usually the go-getter, so I was super excited that he wanted to do it to me. Well, first off, he tied me up with my face down, knees on the bed, and butt in the air. It was so uncomfortable, but I thought, oh, I can get over it. But then my heart started racing and I tried to keep my mind on what fun we were having, but I just couldn't. Anyhow, I started taking on air internally due to the position and queefed. He said it was okay that I freaking queefed in his face, but I was mortified. I made him untimmy, and we didn't end up

Starting point is 00:27:19 finishing, but ever since then, I can't seem to open up again. We have not done kinky stuff since, and I can't figure out why my brain will let me. We've been married for 12 years. We were starting to have fun sex again, and I feel like I've ruined the crazy fun. We still have good sex, but man, I wish we could be freaky and role play again. Please help. All right, Tiffany, I got you. Thank you for your question. Listen, many people find queffing or farting or any kinds of noise during sex embarrassing, but I promise you, quefeing is nothing to worry about. Remember, sex is messy.

Starting point is 00:27:57 We literally have a blog on our site called How to Make a Mess because it's all okay. In fact, I want to normalize it that, you know, sex is not this perfectly choreographed and silent like in the movies. Like, that's just not the case. things happen, right, during sex. And I get that trying something new is intimidating already and you wanted to go perfectly. But listen, the best kind of sex should be fun and funny with a partner that you trust and you're comfortable with.

Starting point is 00:28:23 And this is your partner of 12 years. Being able to laugh together in the bedroom is so important. I'll give a real time example. So my partner and I, we were all set to, we had this really fun night out and we were all set to play. We had toys out and I put something on that was sexy. but I had a terrible migraine. And I was like, okay, Emily, you should go through this.

Starting point is 00:28:44 You guys haven't texted in a while. He lit lit the candles and everything was going. And then when we started, I kept going, Ouch, Ouch. And he was like, oh, gosh. I'm like, sorry, babe. I just, my head hurts. And he's like, well, that's really not hot. And he was totally, totally fine with it.

Starting point is 00:29:00 And then we started laughing and it was really funny. And I was like, can we just like take a rain check on this? And then it actually became funny. He's like, well, you look really hot. Can I just take a picture in you of what you're wearing right now? I'm like, totally. So he took a picture. It was fun.

Starting point is 00:29:12 I lied there. I fell asleep. I felt like I should have powered through, but I was freaking exhausted. And I did not feel hot at all having a migraine because I never get headaches, but I got it in that moment. And it was funny and we laugh about it. And then the next time we got together, we got to play in the same way we wanted to. But again, this is with my trusted partner.

Starting point is 00:29:30 He's not going to leave me. He's not going to be mad at me because I got a headache at an inopportune time, even though we've been playing up towards this night for a really long time. So let's just normalize that. can we? And let's go back to the quay for a minute. First of all, let's just normalize that sex doesn't go the way we plan. You know, sometimes we got to like disappoint our partners, which is disappointing to ourselves. And I think we have this notion that if sex stops, I actually talked about this in my book that I used to think that if I stopped sex in the

Starting point is 00:29:56 middle, that I was somehow breaking this like secret covenant. And like it would mean that my partner would break up with me or it just wasn't okay or like, I don't know. But like the truth is, if we're feeling pain and we're not into it, when it's this position, get a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or end it for the night, it's all okay with a trusting, loving, consensual partner. All right, so I'm curious about why your mind started racing before the quiff. Now, perhaps being tied down in that position was less pleasurable for you than you imagined, and that's completely fine. You know, you never know until you try something new, and I love that your go-getter attitude made you out to open up to try this new experience and see for yourself

Starting point is 00:30:36 whether you liked it or not. And it seems like, regardless of the quiff, maybe this position wasn't for you. You know, maybe being dominated or restraint doesn't satisfy your core erotic desire. So maybe if you can figure out what your core erotic desire is, this might help fuel the fire for you to bring the kink back into your relationship since you kind of put it on hiatus since Queefgate. Now, if we are on the phone now, we could go back and forth to try to figure out what that might be. But think for yourself, what do you truly fantasize about? Now, I think we often compare ourselves to people. Maybe we think that our fantasies aren't crazy or wild enough and however wild our fantasies are determines how good or fun we are in bed. But listen, if you have a more

Starting point is 00:31:19 like romantic fantasy and you fantasize about walking in the door and your partner like whisks you way with a slow kiss, the crest of your cheek, a home-cooked dinner, like draws you a bath, that's a perfectly hot fantasy as well. I encourage you tap in to what your core rock desires really may be, and to have your partner do this as well, and continue to be open to try new things, right? Remember, you guys, our core rock desires, our fantasies, what we want bet can change over time. They might look different today than they look yesterday or 10 years ago, you know? And please don't let something like a little quiff or fart ruin the moment. The best sex, in my opinion, is messy and noisy and fun. All right, this is from Aiden 40 in the United Kingdom.

Starting point is 00:32:04 them. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've only just started listening to your podcast, but it's really encouraged me to open up about my thoughts. I love that. I wanted to reach out to you because I'm not sure my fantasy is healthy, and I have been having this fantasy for at least nine years. When I first got with my partner, we had an evening where we were both drunk, and she opened up to me about banging a load of guys one after another, a few months before we got together. You know, she basically had one at each end. She said she enjoyed it, but was a little embarrassed about not knowing how many different guys she had had sex with. Her two girlfriends even teased me about it at some point. She also had sex with a guy the week before we met. This guy

Starting point is 00:32:44 basically came up to me in a bar and told me how good her oral skills were. Another guy, I heard bragging to his friends about having anal sex with her. At first, this was really overwhelming. I mean, I felt really self-conscious about her sex being way more wilder than mine. I was also worried about my penis eyes compared to all these guys. After a while, I began to be able to. I began to be able to began to fantasize about her with these guys. Fast forward a few more years, we introduced a dildo into the bedroom and I found that she had no problem taking me in her mouth and a dildo that's much larger than my penis inside her. I realized I was getting off on seeing her so aroused by a larger member. I was so happy for her and turned on at the same time. When we have sex,

Starting point is 00:33:26 I'm basically fantasizing about other guys pleasuring her. I even lick her clip when the dildo is inside of her. My question is, am I humiliating myself and is it healthy? We don't really talk openly about stuff, but we both know that I enjoy seeing her grow out with a sexy, low-cut outfit on. She's got big boobs, and we both know that she'll get attention in bars. Is it healthy to be turned on by this? Oh, Aden, thank you so much for this question. And thank you to anyone who submitted a question like this, because honestly, we get this one a lot, okay? So many of you want to know whether your fantasies are healthy or not. This particular fantasy of thinking about your partner's past experiences or imagining it with someone else is incredibly common.

Starting point is 00:34:13 Now, this fantasy can remain in your head or become a reality in the case like cuckolding where you are watching your partner have sex with someone else. Now, in many cases, this fantasy does tap into a core erotic desire to be humiliated. But the truth is, many of you write in and tell me that your fantasy stems from a desire to see your partner be incredible. Pleasured, which is a theme here today, which I love that. Like, I believe we all want to see our partner pleasure, right? And so maybe just knowing that she was so pleasured, you know, makes you feel really good that she's had these experiences.

Starting point is 00:34:45 But either way, this fantasy is totally normal and healthy. And like all fantasies, there are the ones that we keep to ourselves and the ones you decide to share with a partner. Now, there is zero pressure to share this fantasy with your partner, but I feel like your partner might be one who would be open to it and it could really expand the connection that you already have. It might even expand a whole new realm of play if you do open up to her about it. You know, maybe you guys could engage in dirty talk or role play while you're playing with a dildo. That's really hot for a lot of couples to kind of actually say out loud. Like right now,

Starting point is 00:35:19 babe, I'm picturing you. There's a guy entering you from behind or licking your clit or you're making out with a guy. There's three of them. I mean, that just kind of brings it to life, right? Now, she could also participate in your fantasy by talking about how hot this imaginary stranger is in bed with the two of you. This is really common and works for many couples. And if people are openly coming up to you and talking about her, you know, I hope she's aware of this. I'm sure she is.

Starting point is 00:35:45 It might be reassuring to let her know that these comments don't make you feel insecure and, in fact, they turn you on. And maybe you could tap into these while you're out in public, almost like an even hotter game of sexy stranger. where you're in a bar and maybe you see her across the room getting attention from other people. Then you can approach her and act as if you're meeting for the very first time. I mean, this is all hot ways to expand your fantasy and to play with it with your partner rather than keeping it to yourself.

Starting point is 00:36:15 So I love the idea of letting her know that this is your fantasy. And again, when we share things with our partners, you don't have to come out and say like, every time we have sucks, I'm fantasizing about all these guys, you can just say, you know what, babe, let's talk about our fantasies, like open it up that way and say, do you ever fantasize about anything? Because I got to tell you, I love thinking about you with other men. I find it so hot. I love thinking about you, riding in ecstasy and, you know, all these stories, they actually turn me on. Would you be down with talking about it more in the bedroom, right? That's how you do it. See what happens. So please, I just want you to have fun.

Starting point is 00:36:48 Don't feel shameful. That is one of our nasty pleasure thieves that I talk about in the book, because this is a fantasy that's completely healthy, as long as it. It brings you joy and pleasure and it's consensual. Thanks, everyone for tuning in. Get kinky, tap inward, and explore. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast.

Starting point is 00:37:22 And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. it usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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