Sex With Emily - Why the Spark Always Fades (& What Actually Lasts)

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

Throwback to one of my favorite conversations! That "spark" you're chasing? It might not be attraction… it might be a trauma response. I sat down with Dr. Scott Lyons to break down the difference between real, sustainable chemistry and what he calls the "trauma tingle,” that hyper-magnetic pull toward someone that actually has more to do with old wounds than genuine connection. We get into why the honeymoon-phase spark always fades (it's biochemistry, not a sign something's wrong), why "getting the spark back" might be the wrong goal entirely, and how to build the kind of attraction that actually deepens over time instead of burning out. If you've ever wondered whether you're in love or just chasing something familiar, this one's for you. ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT WITH EMILY: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the dates, July 7th in Rosemont, Illinois at Zanis, then heading to Philadelphia on August 5th.

Nashville on September 29th and Austin on October 7th, more cities to come. Come with your partner, your friends, fly solo, you'll leave with practical tools, plenty of laughs, maybe some surprises, well, definitely some surprises. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for tickets and tour information. I will see you there. Can't wait to meet you. Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and live,

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and my newsletter. You're going to love my newsletter. I've been told I give really good newsletter, if you know what I mean. It's sex with Emily.com slash newsletter. Finally, I'm going on tour. And I hope you join me. I'll be going all over the United States

and my first stop is in Chicago on July 7th, and the show is all about you. I'll be answering your questions live, we'll be playing games, there's giveaways. It's going to be such a good time. You can find that at sex with Emily.com slash events. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. For me, freedom is safety.

And so attaching myself to someone is unsafe because it's vulnerable, they could leave, they could hurt me, which in a sense, it's two sides of the same thing. You're like, you're going to leave and hurt me If I lock it down, I'm probably like, I don't even want to go towards that thing. And also, I've always felt my conditioning around my survival was that I'm doing it on my own. I've got this on my own. It'd be fun to hang out, but I don't know that I need you around all the time to be like my only one.

Yeah. Yeah. Even though probably deep down inside, I really would love that. If you want a $3,000 a month payday for life, what would you feel free to do? Maybe take a long weekend, every weekend, or try a bunch of new hobbies. Would you feel free to upgrade and listen ad-free? Don't worry, we get it. Every $20 ticket could win you $3,000 a month for life

and supports life-saving cancer research at the Princess Margaret. Feel free to buy your payday-for-life ticket today. Raffle number 155-2194. Please play responsibly. The Hulu original series Furious is coming to Disney Plus. Starring Emmy Rossum. Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine,

the line between right and wrong begins to blur. Don't miss the three-episode premiere of the Hulu original series Furious on July 27th, only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Have you ever found yourself wondering, where did the spark go? Like, it used to be so good the butterflies, the chemistry that can't keep your hands off each other energy, it all just flowed. And now you're in the same room, but something feels off, just dull, disconnected. So what happened? And more importantly, can you get that feeling back? Do you even want the spark once you

had, or is there something deeper, more nourishing, and way more sustainable that you're actually craving? Well, in today's episode, we're talking about the myth of the spark, what it actually is why it fades and what your desire for it might really be pointing to. I'm joined by someone who's not only a brilliant mind but also a dear friend, Dr. Scott Lyons. He's a therapist, trauma specialist, somatic healer, and founder of the Embody Lab, an incredible space to reconnect with your body, your pleasure, and your full aliveness. So if you've been asking, can we get the spark back? The answer might surprise you. Let's dive in. Okay, but how is it going?

Dating? Well, Amy. Amy had said to me, go on eight first dates. Ooh. Eight different first dates. She was like, don't have any expectations of a second date. Just go on eight first dates, especially after a breakup. Like, you got to just sample, you got to sample what's out there and see what you like again.

Because you've changed, you've evolved. Even if you're in a relationship, you're continuously evolving. And that's why I love going on a first date again and again and again with a partner. But different people? No, with a partner. But right now, because I don't know. You're actually going on first dates. I like that.

Yeah. And I think it's an interesting mix. Sometimes, like, it's such an interesting, great, like, intellectual chemistry, but physically, it doesn't feel there. It doesn't transfer. It doesn't transfer. Sometimes there's, like, this physical, like, primal energy that's there. but it's like the intellectual or like the depth of conversation isn't there. It's like, and I'm kind of like, again, I'm trying not to ask the question too much at this point of like, does it all need to be there?

Well, that is the question when it comes to attraction and wanting to have sex with someone. Does it all have to be there? And I think when we put the expectations of, well, if it's your partner and it's your serious significant other, well, of course, we want the intellectual and the physical. And the emotional. And the emotional and the relational. However, if we're just going on some first dates and you want to see if you're into and want to have sex with them,

like you might not know if you have them all at once. Or maybe you have one and not the other. And depending on what kind of relationship you're looking for, maybe there is just one that you're like, every time I see him, I want to bang him. And that's my person for sex. Yeah. And this, but ultimately maybe you want someone who has the all of it.

Yeah, I think so, but also the reality that it can grow. Like, not all of them have to be there at the beginning. Like, I think we put a lot of emphasis on like, whoa, yes, that primal energy there in the beginning. But I've been with people where it wasn't there for the first two months. And then all of a sudden I was like, whoa, I am so attracted to them. I don't even know what to do. Okay, so when you say it wasn't there the first two months, like you literally like, this is my buddy. This is my new friend.

Maybe an emergency contact, but not. someone I'm ever going to see his dick. Yeah, I mean, I was like, this person is really cool, they're special, there's something interesting about them, I could see myself hanging out and connecting consistently. Okay. And I was like physically not attracted to them. There was an energy that was kind of a miss, it just didn't feel. And then even the first time we, the first couple months of actually having sex, I was like, nah.

Really? I called you. I know. I know. And I was like, do I exit now? Because it's just not there. But there's so many other features that are pretty amazing. And it was like, can I train myself to be attracted to them?

Can I find what is the pathway to attraction? And it wasn't just an absence of physical attraction. It was like an energetic attraction that was missing. That makes sense. Because I think that there are so many layers to attraction. Yes, there's the physical. But then there's the, is this somebody that I can emotionally connect with and really have great conversations with this? Can I actually learn to, like, the more I learn about this person, I actually really respect them.

I like the way they move through the world. I like how they treat their friends. They've got really interesting people in life. And so that's really hot. Oh, I really like their values. They volunteer on the weekend and do this really cool thing. You know what I mean? They've showed me kindness.

They've showed empathy. And so there's no way, which goes back to this point, on the first date, you're ever going to know all of that. No. And so was the point that go on a bunch of first dates and then actually see if you want a second one? Because I kind of think if a first date doesn't completely suck go on a second one. That's my take. Yeah. Because there's probably more to be revealed always.

But if you liked them enough, what do you think about that? I mean, I think. So I don't know about you, but like when I met someone, And I'm like, yes, on a first date or a second date, I'm just kind of all in. And I can't date anyone else. Okay. And so this is also breaking that pattern of being like, okay, it's our third date. Let's move in together.

Yeah, okay. That's what you've done. Yeah. But it kind of like, you know, essentially it's about like getting to be more comfortable with the process of dating, which is meant to actually be slow and grow. as opposed to this fast, heavy, like, primal, you know, entry point. That's really it. That's exactly it. That primal, we, you know, you always hear those stories about couples.

Like, we've met in one date and we never separated for three months. We've all done that. But then I just think, like, how well do you really know this person? Danger, danger. And that's when, like, either love bombing can happen. Or where they're just like, you're my everything. We're getting married. And when you meet my parents in June, this is going to have.

happen and they start dropping all of those things where you feel prematurely connected. But what you're saying is your pattern has been doing that because maybe that felt safe you wanted to be all in. Yeah, it was a total trauma response. Say more about that, though. Because everyone, yeah. Sometimes we, so there's this like whole liminal space of like getting to know someone. It's like the in between.

Like we're not yet settled. And all of the like nerves are, you know, present. in our stomach, the butterflies, and we kind of just want the anticipation to fucking end. And so we jump the liminal space. We jump the liminal gap and go, you're mine. I want you. This is settled.

This is like, I want this. And part of it is like growing more tolerance for the discomfort of getting to know someone. Right. And to say more about that, the jumping the liminal gap, it's because it feels so good. but it's so vulnerable to feel so good.

So I want to lock this down and know they're my person so I don't feel unsafe. Yes. Yes. That is so interesting. So you're like, we don't really know enough, but you know that you have enough to feel that excitement. Yeah. And what's funny is that you're saying that excitement makes you want to lock it down. And other people like myself, I want that to go on forever.

And I don't want to lock it down because I love the excitement. and the newness. And then I vote, my pattern in relationships has been like month three or four. The guy's like, okay, like,

we've been doing this long enough. Do you think you could be my girlfriend? I'm like, ah. So you love the intensity at the beginning. Yeah. And then the moment that it starts to get

like contained or organized or like labeled, it's like, there's a fear of that going away or experience. I have a pattern of that. Yeah. Yeah.

For me, freedom is safety. And so attaching myself to someone is unsafe because it's vulnerable. They could leave. They could hurt me, which in a sense, it's two sides of the same thing. You're like, you're going to leave and hurt me if I lock it down. I'm probably like, I don't even want to go towards that thing. And also, I've always felt my conditioning around my survival was that I'm doing it on my own.

I've got this on my own. It'd be fun to hang out, but I don't know that I need you around all the time to be like my only one. one, even though probably deep down inside, I really would love that at some point. I mean, look, connecting relationships, intimacy, it's fucking vulnerable. It has to be. We have to lower our drawbridge of ourselves

to be able to let people in and to meet them. And that's terrifying. And we have all these different ways of essentially making sure we don't feel vulnerable because in the past we've been hurt or we've been hurt by other people. people or, you know, whatever it is. But ultimately, it creates more havoc than it does connection.

Right. And like when we talk about like, ooh, I want that spark that, that feeling of like the hotness in the beginning to last, it can if we continue to let our guard down, that drawbridge down and continue to build layers and layers and layers of connection. Which is the slowing down process, which is what I think we're both saying. is that there's like this rush towards the dopamine and the feel-good chemicals. And I want to lock this down.

It's so good. I want it all the time. And yet when you're caught up in that attraction phase, you're not really like widening the lens to see all the other things that are going on. So you're not taking an accurate snapshot of what this person is and you're like riding high on all that excitement.

But what it made me think of is like, first off, that's such great. It's so interesting to think about the slowing down in the dating process, but then it comes down to the age-old attraction response. So this is going to be, this is going to be like a stereotypical trope, men, this women, so I'm going to say it, but often they, I've heard this for years, like, well, men know within 20 seconds if they want to have sex with someone. And women, they would have said, say, like, oh, we take a little bit longer to get to know someone. And then it becomes the

attraction can grow. And I would say, I don't know if that is, I would say that for men, men, maybe that's true. But you're somebody who's also a little bit more evolved and a little bit more like understand all the nuance to it. And yeah, maybe you know if you want to have sexually or not, but it's not just about that. There's about other things to know. Yeah.

And I would say like sometimes. I don't even know if that's relevant anymore though. Yeah. I mean, I think people are evolving and they're like demisexuals and sapio sexuals. Like, I'm really turned on. I don't want to say that part about men wanting to be. women. Okay, go ahead. Where like sapiosexuals like, I'm attracted to your intelligence and that feeds these other forms

of like, you know, primal energy or I'm like really attracted demisexual to your, are this emotional bond. And that's what really gets me hot and bothered. And, you know, I think the question of like, can we train ourselves to be attracted to someone? It's more of like finding what is the organizing principle of your attraction. Like, what is the fucking thing that turns you on completely? Is it a real emotional connection? Is it intelligence? Is it something physical?

Is it working out together? What is it that then, like, opens the doorway for everything else? I wonder if there's like a checklist of these are all the areas that I have to figure out or is a different person by person. Or at the end of the day, if you do pull out in the aggregate, well, I want to feel intellectually stimulated by them. I want to feel emotionally stimulated. I want to feel that we could have conversations,

that you're kind and hold space for me and have empathy and compassion. But it seems like it all comes out in different ways. And we don't ever actually know it all right away. But it does take time to figure it out. But I'm wondering if there's some like test we could give someone to know so we have to waste time. I mean, you know how we have like the love languages?

To me, this is about like safety language. So it's like if you can identify your own safety language, your cues of safety, and then teach someone else, that's training yourself to be more attracted, quote unquote. Because I'm like, you know, if I say to you, okay, my love language, and I say this all the time to people, my safety language, my love language, is asking me follow-up questions.

And you might go, why is that important? Because I might share something really vulnerable. And if I feel like I'm on a cliff, which is what I feel like when I'm sharing something vulnerable, and there's no one there to catch me, which is a follow-up question, then I feel like I shut down. And then I'm certainly not going to be attracted. So when someone asked me a follow-up question, it's a physical sense in my body that I'm like,

someone is there. And then I'm like, let's do it. Can you give me an example of something you would say to someone and what the follow-up could be that would feel good and then what has happened in the past? It's honestly like anything to like a memory of my past of like this, I, did this when I lived in New York, I used to take martial arts. And it was a really big deal for me

growing up in a really abusive household to, this is actually a real story, abusive household to like, to learn how to fight. And I was with someone then who just said, cool. And then like, oh my gosh, I could just feel myself shut down and I didn't want to have sex with them. Where if they had said to me, wow, that's really intense. Thank you. so much for sharing it or hey what feels so like what feels so different for you now than it did even then when you're training as a martial artist yeah like anything anything like you're like i just said i had a traumatic household and i use this this extra this method of healing modality and you're like cool what's for dinner yeah yeah basically that feels dismissed and i'm safe and then

you shut down i totally get it on a dating nap if someone's like how's your day and i'm like here's what happened in my day and I'm sharing and it's really like I'm testing the waters of like can they show up and if they can't I just don't like thank you so much this conversation is and I feel completing this texting is hard too some people I mean this it's hard vulnerability in holding space is so hard for people in real life and then like the whole texting thing when people don't know how to do that but I guess it is a way to to know quickly but I just thought of something so you know people talk about like the ick like I knew the second I wasn't into somebody yeah like the time you know they wore that weird sock or they scratched their I don't know what I do I don't

can't remember my life well I've had a few weeks however do you think that there is an attraction ick like the what would be the attraction ah or like when you're like oh I'm suddenly attracted to you now like these certain things came together I saw your empathy your vulnerability you're hot I saw your penis I saw this and then you're like spark Like, is there a moment where you feel like, because you said it could also build up? Yeah. Do you think there's a moment or can you place it in the moments you're like, now I'm in? So the opposite of an egg is a spark.

Yeah. Okay. And I think catching the sparks is so important because people always ask both of us all the time. It's like, hey, been in a relationship for five years, where's the spark? How do we get the spark back? Number one question I get asked. And if you're not absorbing the micro sparks, how are you going to, like, you got to absorb them. Like these little moments.

of like they looked at you and you just felt like they're gaze on you and you're like to take that in. It actually is more about the micro sparks. In the beginning, that macro spark is about the novelty of it all. The big like the specialness, the uniqueness. Spontaneity.

You've never seen this person do this thing before or say this thing. You've never seen him naked before. It's new. Sputaneous Friday. That's what creates a physiological, part of the physiological spark. To maintain it,

find novelty is one part of, but take in the little moments that are those microsparks that aren't... And really take them in and then expand upon them and remember what they were because I think that this, that when we lose attraction or we're not sure about attraction, we want the spark back. Yeah. I want to say like, honestly, fuck the spark. You're probably not going to get that spark back.

No. You're not going to get the spark because that spark that most people are referring to is the spark that arose from the honeymoon phase, When you were free basing, so it's called free-based, free-loading, free-spacing, you were inundated. Yeah. You were taking an IV of the most delicious cocktails, feel-good cocktails, hormones, of oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. And they're all at once because of novelty, spontaneity, newness. This person's amazing.

You are the highest fuck if you've ever been in your life. And it's sparking all over the place. You can't even micro-spark. You can't even find it because it's all spark. It's all a spark. But like any great drug, it's amazing. And then it comes back down again. And you're like, damn, that was a good spark.

Can we get that spark back? And I just want to say, I don't know that you, that it has to be that spark. Yeah. But what I love that you're saying is cultivate the mini sparks. Cultivate the mini spark. Stop chasing the original spark because you actually can't get it back. It's not our physiology. And why would we even want to go back?

Yeah. Right. It's a new spark. And if we're chasing the old spark, then we're, We cannot progress in relationships. And relationships are developmentally progressive, which means that at six-month marker, the one-year marker, more of our early childhood shit is going to arise.

As we move through the layers of intimacy, more things are going to come up for us to be to navigate. And if we're not open navigating it, then basically you're not ready to be in a relationship. Yeah, you've got to learn to navigate it and know that the fact that you're opening up to these patterns from childhood are coming up. And I almost want to go off of what that is

because I always feel like I say that and be like, what do you mean? My parents are perfect. Nothing happened. But it just does. It's how you were conditioned and you lived at home with some people and you learned a certain thing.

And it's going to come out in the relationship. Yeah. But the problem is sometimes when we're in that, we're both getting like having really big reactions to it. Yeah. And when you have those big reactions, they come in the form of, I don't know, stress,

we're anxiety, spiking cortisol. which makes it hard to get aroused and feel a detraction. So the spark literally can't, it's like you're dousing water on the spark because you're bringing in these patterns that are making you feel less connected. Well, they occupy your attention and energy. It's like if we have two, if you imagine at the beginning of relationship, it's like two onions bump and rinds, you know? Bump and rind rinds.

And then we're peeling away layers. and as you know, you peel away the layers of the onions and you get a little teary. And it's, you know, you get preoccupied with the layers. And that's part of the beauty of intimacy. That's what intimacy is. It's we're peeling the layers to become more interconnected. Yes. And as we do that, more things are going to come up, like our frustrations we might have, the annoyances that come up.

That's also part of peeling away the onion. Yeah. And then we don't know even, yeah. But then most of us are not equipped to actually dissect all of that stuff and to talk about it in a healthy way without feeling, you know. And then what happens is. Blame. Is the sex?

Yeah, the blame game, the resentments. But when it comes to sex, so if we're talking about the sex spark in particular, the challenge here is that for many is that we don't even know, like, a lot of times because our sexuality. And I guess I can speak this a lot for women, but for men, they need this. too is that we were sort of riding on those like feel good hormones and the chemicals. We didn't really have to think about as much like what we actually want. A lot of our sex has been been more performative. And so a lot of our sex, a lot of female sexuality has been in service

or more performative towards male sexuality, only because that's what most pleasure and most sex education has been focused on. Penis goes in vagina. That is. sex when we know that only 20% of women are having orgasms or pleasure that way. So at the beginning, it was amazing. Howdy moon phase six months to two years. And then women are like, I don't even know if I, again, not all women, but many. They're just like, oh, now I. And then their partners, like, this is not to blame men.

Like men, I, my hook got how come out to men, because men have to like, there's so much for them to, they're supposed to know everything. about sex, there's just a common hard, they're supposed to, the note that they, their PR is that they always want sex and they're horny all the time and want to be hard and ready to go. And now that, they should know what they're doing and they should whatever. And then, and then in women's is like, well, I got to like sometimes please a man or I should be able to get turned out when he is, but I'm not because my arousal is a mystery of me. So then they're trying to navigate learning this entire spectrum of their own sexual turn-ons, desires and wants when maybe they

grew up at a home or there was like a lot of shame around sex. So there was a lot of like, I don't feel great if I masturbate. So what I'm saying is this spark is really just like a biochemical neurological conditioning that happens early on that is a mystery and not really based in something that is sustainable. Yeah. Until you look at all like when I say sex is wellness. Yeah. You have to look at all the areas of your life and all the areas with this person that could contribute to a really hot sex again. Because I'm not saying it's not going to be amazing sex again. You're going to expand.

You're going to grow. You're going to learn nerve endings all over your body. But it just might not feel like that. Yeah. I mean, essentially, if you think about it, the honeymoon period is you are drunk. Like, you are literally drunk on that cocktail. And then you get to sober up. And the question as you sober up from that cocktail and the relationship is, how do you find that

excitement between each other organically. How do you find it in different ways that's not reliant on keep drinking the cocktail? Because you can't. You can't. You cannot keep drinking the cocktail. You're not designed for it. You run out of the cocktail and at the same time the the same time the cocktail's coming out of your system. Yeah. You're now have new things coming in, which is this partner's patterns and how they didn't really show up for me and how they didn't ask follow questions or how they didn't follow things that they do. Because you're sober. So you see what's not. So now the question, do we get the spark back? And what in this 20th year of doing this podcast,

there's like so much that I have deeply been thinking about because if these are the same questions every single day, no matter where you live, your gender, what country you're in, it's like, for all, I want to amplify this information and get, have people understand that like this question, maybe people are asking the wrong question. Like getting the spark back isn't the question. It's how do I really learn.

to deeply understand who I am a sexual being with my partner or without my partner. Like, what kind of touch do I like? What times a day do I like sex? When do I feel the most sexual? Is it in the morning? Is it at night? Is it after I work out? Is it a certain food date?

Is it after we have this really, like, intense emotional bond or a really intellectual conversation? And then you start to look at all these factors in your life. like we have to become our own sex experts and start to build that knowledge like i tell me but like put a note in your phone like every time you noticed something was hot or something got you felt made you feel more attracted to your partner or actually yourself made you feel more aroused collect that list because it's almost like okay think of it like food like think of it this way like you go you i've been scott is very particular eater like Scott i just like Scott knows

exactly what he wants and exactly does what he doesn't want no matter how many restaurants you go to no matter like how many Michelin stars you go to like, you're particular. Yeah. Because you've had so much food in your life and experiences and you've lived a life of many different cuisines and cultures and lived all over the world. Here's the thing with the sex menu for the majority of people.

Yeah. It's very, very small. It's like on a little fucking postcard and it says like, I should be aroused where my partner is. Penis erect. Vagina should be wet. I should be on top or the bottom or have doggy style and a blowjob and oral.

and then fall asleep and go to sleep and oh wait i wasn't really really really even browsed like that's literally it's five things yeah and so people or maybe you know every every birthday but what i'm saying is the menu of sex has not only not been built on i actually tasted this souffle and i developed a taste for it and i know that i like or i know i like my steak medium rare because i've had so much steaks with sex, most people have had sex where they've been really unconscious or disassociated. They've been a little disassociated. They might have been in people pleasing mode where they weren't even feeling what they wanted. And then they also, if they haven't had a lot of sex or they felt bad, then there's the

whole like the pillars of sex IQ are talk about. If they were never really feeling confident about the sex they've had before, then they don't feel great about it. They're not really building the tools. So then you bring in porn, which is how many people grew up like, well, Sex is what I saw in porn, and so that's what's on the menu is like that. What's out there's a menu of porn? Or that's like what someone told me once.

But it's a very small pool. What am I trying to save the sex menu? So then we're asking people, I want you to decide what your biggest turn on is are, how to get the spark back, how to connect with someone. But you're not even really sure what feels good to you yet because you've never really taking the time with yourself or in relation to someone else. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what I really hear in that is like, you have to get to know yourself. You have to get to know your partner or partners in terms of gaining back that spark and like discover and explore. And like if if the like the menu is so limited. For many, yeah. For many. Then of course. And it's not like you have to go do crazy shit on the other side of that. Notice.

Notice. Be attuned to what you actually like and over time you'll be. Bill, that's why I like say, write it down. Like, oh, I liked when this person kissed my neck for like a few minutes. I'm going to take note of that that that's something that actually got me turned on. Or I really liked that we had that long, that dinner or that walk in the beach or whatever it is. I guess this going back to the spark, that's going to be the like how you're going to, because no matter what stage you're going to want the variety and the newness. And you're also going to want to be able to figure out what are the elements that are going to be required for us to keep this spark alive, especially if we want to be in a long-term relationship.

with someone. And I think we've been looking at the wrong places or trying to go backwards in time when saying, presently in this moment, what do I know has been great? And what am I interested and curious and what do I want to learn about? And that's why we have thousands of podcasts books. You've got show, we've got a lot that people can learn. But again, we don't usually explore this area. You're tracking me, right, what I'm saying, what I'm saying? Because again, that's in my knowledge is that like, I'm constantly saying, like, people like, they literally are so afraid to talk about Doggy style, like kiss, make out, penetration all over in eight minutes. Guy came.

She probably didn't. Maybe he finished her off with oral. Then we fell asleep and went to bed. It wasn't like there was anything new, fun, novel to try. And that got really boring after a while, even though it was really hot in the beginning. So part of the spark is that even if you're still doing those things, that's not the whole menu of what could feel hot. Well, do you feel like when people ask us, how do I get the spark back, that they're only referring to sex or they're referring to like this total intoxication? Because that's not always the same thing.

You know what I mean? We call that passion. I think they want the passion. They want the passion. Yeah, I think they want it all. Yeah. I think that they're commingling it all together because it all happened together. Yeah.

The great sex and the spark and that it all, the all encompassing whatever was happening in that time they want. they want that feeling again. Yeah. And this is what I also hear from couples all the time who have been together for so long. They're like, you're so lucky, Emily, because you get to go date and experience it all the time and I'll never have that.

They almost have like this death of that experience you just described. You're like, I don't know that I'll be able to feel that for someone again and that newness. It's like we put that on this like aspirational or this pedestal and we want it again. Because we're chasing intensity instead of intimacy. Yes. And it's like if we are so numb in our life and all of us have some level of numbness that's called survive. I'm numb right now. Well, hi, numb. It's cold. And if we're trying to rise above the threshold of numbness, then all we can feel that's above the threshold of numbness is intensity. And we go, oh, that's living. That's what living is if it's on a volume of 10, you know, the decibel is at the top, you know, like top volume.

But like life is full of these subtle, sensual experiences that are like delightful and tasty. Like how, like when was last time you tasted took the time to like taste an apple? That might sound so dumb. But when was the last time you slowed down to like to really enjoy something? Savor. To savor it. And in a relationship in the beginning, we're so over inundated. It's on like a decibel of 10 passion.

But actually that's still there, it's just become the norm. You know? And underneath it, it's like, okay, well, what's more important? Passion or safety? And can safety be the foundation, which is what grows over time, for more variations of passion? That's exactly it. I think that we, like you were saying, we want the passion. Yeah.

But that we skip over the limerence to get the safety. Yes. Because now we got the safety. But then how do you still cultivate eroticism? in the safety. Because when you're safe and I know this person's predictable, I trust them, I know where they're coming home,

I know how everything's gonna be, that cancels out the passion and the arousal. And so the work, I hate to even say work in the show. I hate to be like, yeah, work. But truly the work is knowing, like I just would love to like put a billboard everywhere when someone's going, like, about to get married,

or maybe pass out little flyers at wedding chapels and be like, hey, by the way, the work that you're gonna have to do, is like the fun work is like continuing to prioritize your connection over everything else and like it is literally our jobs to find ways that we continue to connect with variety yeah with spontaneity like you can still do that and just still stay curious and open with each other and promise that we will always like be on this self this sexual exploration journey together because another thing that I find if I just go off on the spark is that I want to see if you found this.

Typically, when I hear from couples, there's usually one person who is very into like fixing the sex life, wanting it to be better, looking at the time of the frequency of sex and the pleasure of sex and worried about it. They can't talk to their partner and when they try to, like there's one person pushing this giant sex boulder up the hill. Yeah. And another one is like, we shouldn't talk about it or I don't have time or I'm fine. And then that's where I just think it should be a collaboration.

So tell these people like, please prioritize, put this in your wedding buzz that we're always going to collaborate on and prioritize our sex life. We're going to both agree that we will have a growth mindset around sex. And just like we do about our health or our values towards parenting or saving money, we're going to also do that with our. spark our sex life because that's where the problem is, which is why, like, I think most, most couples get to this point and they're like, I don't what to do about it. And then that's when they're like, well, I bought a toy or I listened to this or I did that, but it's multi-layered facet and we're trying to nuance it out for people here. Yeah. And where else can you find passion together and let that passion bleed into the bedroom or on a bus or in public, whatever, wherever,

whatever, whatever, you know what I mean? That might be the thing. On the bus. On a bus. Sex on the bus. Is that the new podcast? Sex on the bus? Maybe.

We're trying to think so. Not a bus. Maybe a plane. Or train. Have you ever? Not sex. This is defined by penetration. There's a little bit of like masturbation action.

Oh, on a plane? Yeah. Hot. You? Come on. It was supposed to happen once. There was a whole setup for it and this, and it didn't work out. Oh.

What's like the setup? You put a blanket over you and you get some loob. Well, that's what I thought it was, but the other person made it very sophisticated, and when I couldn't understand the sophistication they were upset. Oh, my God. Like, like, roses and moves. No, it was like a seatbelt and a pillow and on top of that, a blanket. Oh, he was like, all of this fucking complex shit.

And I was like, can't we just, can't we just touch it to them? Can we just bone? I've definitely done it on a moving train. That was fun. That was fun. But, yeah, you know, it's, and I, you know, I can appreciate that it's, It's a felony on a plane. I was just going to say that.

I'm like, remember, sex on a plane and outside is illegal. So, you know, all of that and more. So no, not on a plane, on a train. On a train. And a few other places. But I think, like, sometimes, you know, and I've experienced this in partnership, after a certain amount of time, like, going out to a really nice dinner where we're talking about it and we're, like, unpacking all the flavors.

And then we go home and have sex. And that sex is so much more flavorful because we're carrying that into the bedroom. Or like we go to a pottery class and we're like using our hands and we're creating and we feel like really satisfied and like and we just bring that on in. You know, it doesn't have to be straight on into the sex.

It's like find the things that you can be impassioned together around. I love that. Those are like part of your like arousal runway might be like, knowing that once a month or once a week, you take a pottery class, you cook a meal together. And it's the incredible thing is it seems simple enough, but I think the problem that most couples get into is that they just don't.

They're like, for whatever reason, we know that all the research have shown that date night once a week is a non-negotiable and couples who do that report more sexual satisfaction. But what if we just make it fun? It's like one month you plan something, then I plan something. You think with couples who are committing to their life,

life together and they're living together and then they have I think it's kids babies fuck couples up for a bit they're like we don't even have time to like sleep do anything and like now you want to date night fuck you Emily but I'm not even saying that I'm saying like it could just be like a morning off or a three hour drive or something that gets you even if you're tired like I just think that what happens is couples so much time goes past and they can't remember how to do those things anymore. So the advice is to keep doing them. Like put that in your marriage or your commitment contracts. Put in your bows. Put in your contracts. Put it, but put it in your calendar for sure because. Calendors are huge reminder. You know, I think there's something around like safety again

that then we become a little stale because of the safety. It's like, I know you'll be there. But it's like, I know you'll be there as a friend, but I still am going to like, let's go do an adventure. Yeah. But I love that about you. Scott's been like, like, You're the most adventurous friend. Like I did, what was it, paintball? What did we did? We did laser tag. Laser tag.

Yeah. I was like, hell no. I'm not a game person. I'm not playing laser tag. Like, I just, not hell no. I just felt like a strong, like, can't we go back to that place? And I had that really good gluten-free desserts and just stay there for a while. But also, it was so, it was out of my box.

Yep. Oh, and also as a kid, I was always pick last and not great at games. So I have a thing about team sports. Like, a lot came up for me. Yeah. But what I love is you're like, we're in. There was like 15 of us. Yeah.

And we all freaking did it with a bunch of other young 12-year-olds, young kids, and it was such a blast. So you naturally bring that thrill and excitement to friendship, too. So I can only imagine what it's like in the bedroom. Well, there's other problems in the relationships. So you're high on the active skills, high on the nudist. I like activities. Yeah, I like doing things that are like co-creative together. Co-creative is the key term. Yeah.

Like maybe we don't have to bond over our trauma. maybe we can bond over shared fun activities. I don't know, y'all, that sounds a little more fun. Yeah, totally. That's true. A lot of times we spent so much time because of our brains in survival mode and whatever we were trained, we send so much time with like what's wrong and what the problems are. And like, what if it simply is a pottery class, a new class?

I mean, again, okay, I have a side note, real inside, what's called like break in fourth wall, whatever the fuck. Like, I have these things now being the 20th year, I'm going to bring this up a lot. is I think like I hear the voice is going, oh yeah, date and I, oh yeah, da, da, prioritize a relationship. But I'm like, like it legitimately, I want to yell at everyone. It's like, you're writing me every day and calling it and saying you don't have it. And 99.9% of couples have not even done one of these things.

They have not ever like played a card game, like the Esther Pearl card game that you like asked you fun questions or we have this. Okay, Aria is this really cool new. company I'm working with. It's like an AI dating coach that you, it's so cool. I want to do it with you. You need a partner because I'm not like

sleeping with anyone in one person right now. I'm not sleeping with you, but it asks you questions. What are your turn on? Your turn off. So you each get this like AI concierge. It's an app. And then you both get to talk about

what you like and what you're into. And then they send you like a sexy box once a month. So it's sort of like a sex coach, therapy coach for couples and it moves at your pace. So like it was, I really would be into temperature place. So they sent me like a massage candle.

And since it's using an AI concierge, she's lovely. Yeah. I would love to invite this to dinner. They really keep track like, how's it going? But it's not pressureful. Like it would message, hey, Scott, Emily answered the questionnaire, where you answer it. And so anyway, I'm just thinking about the spark

and thinking about also recognizing how hard it is to develop new habits to make time for anything else other than survival. Because going back to your point, when you get into a relationship, you feel safe. If I'm safe, one area I don't need to work on. This person's safe. They're not going anywhere. I'm not connecting that. That safety is also canceling out me wanting to suck your dick or whatever.

So then I'm focused on all these other areas. So if there's a tool or a reminder or a calendar bite or an app like ARIA that can be like once a week. You can set it. Oh, babe, here's a reminder. Tonight we're supposed to give each other a massage for 10 minutes. Like it could it might just be those kind of outside reminders because I just know how hard is to develop new habits on my own. I get caught up with things too where I'm like, oh, I haven't called a friend at a while or I haven't. You know what I'm saying.

Yeah. It's a tool. It's a tool. Yeah. We're going to do it together. Looking forward to it. Okay. I'm going to send it to you after this.

Can I throw a wrench in the spark conversation? Always. So. wrench it up. The thing we often don't talk about is that spark that you feel in the beginning might just be something we call a trinked. trauma tingle. Ooh. So a trauma tingle is the same type of hyper-magnetism attraction that you're like,

fuck, yeah. But the reality is, is you're not even centered in yourself. You're like, you're obsessed with them. You're constantly focusing on them as opposed to being in relation with someone. It's totally different. It's basically where like you're tripping over yourself. And it's, again, you're chasing the intimate. that you're chasing the intensity.

But can you explain how that relates back to trauma tingle? Is it because in childhood, maybe you had someone in your family that was unattainable or wasn't there for you? So then you're like, oh, I'm actually getting tingly, but it's in my trauma space. It's in your trauma space. Not in my perineum.

It's basically like the red flags are your spark. And so often that's... So nuanced. It's so nuanced. And so, yes, there's, There is this whole biological period in the beginning where it's like, you know, there's a lot of energy, there's a lot of passion, there's a lot of attention, there's a lot of wetness here and there. And it's a big difference between when we're meeting someone and we're finding that passion

and it actually lasts longer versus a trauma tingle when it's like this hot, like, I don't know, I'm just so attracted to them and I can't stop thinking about them. that's more likely a trauma tingle because we're chasing the familiar red fronds. How do we know? Is there a great way that we could teach people whether it's a trauma tangle or it's a real tingle? Yeah. Or like a route, like a healthier tingle? I don't like using the word healthy anymore, but like the tingle that we want.

Yeah, the one we're looking for that's more sustainable. Yeah. A sustainable tingle. A sustainable tingle. Bliss, please. Do you remember when we first met and it was kind of like a love at first sight? We did. And we canceled the whole rest of our day, and we just spent it together. But we were both centered in ourselves.

We could feel our own breath. We could feel like there wasn't anxiety of like, well, we'd still be friends after we meet. Do you love me enough? Do you like me? Am I attractive? All of those insecurities. I'm also not chasing you. And even if you don't call me back, I'll be like, okay, I'm going to feel what that's like in my body.

and I'm going to be like, hey, I'd love to connect more. And the trauma tingle, it starts to spiral. And the old familiar shit starts to come up of like, do they like me? Oh my God, am I enough? That is material. And that can also happen in friendship. It absolutely can happen in friendship when we're chasing the familiar. Like, I mean, because we fell in love.

We fell in love. But it wasn't. But there was no, but there was no. We weren't disorganized. We weren't disorganized. disorganized around that connection, that bond. When it feels like a roller coaster, that is much more likely we are in. Like, here's a great example.

I was so what I thought, like, in love with this person a couple years ago, like four or five years ago. And I was like, oh my gosh, they are my person. They are absolutely my person. And like, wow, wow, wow, I'm so attracted to them. and they said to me like two dates in, they're like, you know, I'm pretty avoidant. I'm not very available.

I was like, that's okay. The fact that you even said that means you have some sort of awareness, which I'm attracted to. All right. And then I couldn't stop thinking about them. And we'd go on some dates, and I was like, oh my gosh,

I am chasing love. I am fueled by the history of having to chase love to be loved. And this person replicates their own inability to meet me. It replicates my own history of the, you know, I've been unable to met. That is a trauma tingle that I think is love, that I think is passion, it is not.

And that roller coaster you describe was them not being available, basically telling you, not only not being about, but saying like, I'm avoiding it. I'm not always gonna text you back, I'm not always gonna call you back. It's almost like we know these things, but it sounds like that was a real, really powerful one for you where you're really, you're like, I'm really going to not do that

again. Try not to. Yeah. Like I would think about how long do I have to do between text or waiting for them to text me back, all of those things or even like I find myself closing off and then I find them coming closer to me and like that's exciting me. That's a trauma tingle. That's not passion. Yeah. That is such a great way to connect. Yeah. Yeah. It's. It's just, tricky but you know what it made me think of and I want to see I want to see what you think about this so when you're talking about our relationship which is a blossomed into a beautiful friendship the last few years yeah we just sat down we did the show you were on my pocket we were sitting here yeah and we were like yeah fuck it

let's go spend the day together and it's always felt safe with you and just grown grown growing layers and I my belief is that dating when you're meeting someone new you should also feel more of that like and I would even argue to say not that you become best friends because there's more when you're dating you're looking for more things and for us it was safe because we didn't have the romantic element we knew we could be friends however I would say just that kernel of like this is someone that I think is cool and I'd want to hang out again I don't know if it's romantic or not but we had this great feeling rather than I would even if you had any like me do they like me do they not they didn't call me back they had they said

they were going to they didn't that's almost grounds for like maybe not a second day like don't you think there's enough there? Or, like, I just feel like we should at least have a modicrum of this is really, really more good than bad. Well, again, the trauma tingle is going to rush us into things. It's not going to really allow us to get to know someone. Yes, in a natural currents of all the cocktail hormones, we're a little drunk, we're a little like, was that a red flag? I'm not so sure maybe it was yellow, maybe it was green. I can't quite focus yet.

But certainly during the trauma tingles, we are ignoring. the red flags. We are looking, we are seeking for that passion as, which is just intensity, it's not intimacy. And that's such an important thing to disturb. I love that. Intensity, not intimacy. Intimacy is not intense. Yeah. And at the end of these relationships that are so, that begin with the trauma tingles and are basically continued to be that through the relationship. And I'm moving my hand like a roller coaster because that's what it is. And then we, we have to, And then when it destructs and it always breaks down, and it always is so dramatic when it deconstructs.

And we go, but that was the love of my life. And what we have to do is we have to reframe it from, that was the love of my life was that was the love of my early life that I'm trying to repeat. And that's such an important distinction because we are trying so fundamentally to come back into the familiar of our past. And that's not what love is. That's not what love is. And that's not what intimacy is.

And the thing here that I want to say too, and this is probably for another time, but what I feel like, because this work, why I love talking about this stuff is I think it's, listen, another thing in 20 years, we've learned a lot more about somatic therapy, about trauma, about how things live in our body, that a lot of things be being diagnosed as are really just nervous system regulation.

There's just a lot of interesting things going on. But then when you tell someone like, well, it's in your body or it's childhood things, that still takes, like, I know that's taken me so much work and so much therapy to finally like understand what it means like, oh, I have daddy issues or I have disattachment. And I wonder if there's a way that we could, like, I want people to have it like, I don't want people to have to do all the work that we've had to do to get here because I still feel like, I'm always thinking about the audience. I'm always thinking about people listening.

And I, because I know them so well. I know everyone so well who's been here with me for so long and I've been here, you know, listening. It's like, I know that we talk about this because we've been in it. Yeah, yeah. But for some people, like, again, they go to like, oh, but my childhood was perfect. Or it's hard to get to that. Like, it's taken so long to realize that your parents did the best they could.

It's generational. They didn't know how to attune to your needs. No one's parents really did. And when it comes to dating, I didn't even get this for a while. Like it, I thought I realized that for me, that pattern was, and maybe because I was, I'm telling this because I want people done understand it. It was like, my conditioning is that lost my father young age. He was my rock. Suppose I lost him at 20.

And that so when that happened, I felt very alone. I didn't have like the family that came in. This is a common story for people. Yeah. I'm going at all alone. I can do everything. I can't actually rely on anyone else to be there for me. So I'm going to do it all.

And in that doing it all, it's going to create a lot of chaos, a lot of busyness. So I'm actually not even really open for intimacy. It's because I'm shut down. And also I'm not over intimacy because if I actually love someone again as much as I deeply loved my father, say, this pain is too much. I don't want that again. So there's layers to that. So then what for me I might try to do is I'm just working this.

I'll find someone. And then I'll think a glimmer, not consciously. oh my god they could probably can we could create something here they could help maybe they're going to save me in some way maybe i am going to finally be able to feel safe and loved and then that's unfair maybe in a way even though but then i'm still distant i don't know that was happy yeah i mean it reminds me of like is that explain it people's yeah i mean it reminds me when a friend of mine lost his mom a couple years ago and then he more recently broke up with his girlfriend and he was like, yeah, she just wasn't there for me enough.

And I was like, were you looking for the love of your mom and your girlfriend? Mm-hmm. Because they're not the same. Yeah, we'll never provide that. And your girlfriend isn't your mom and could never provide that sense of eternal connection and bond. And he goes, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.

I just broke up with her because that's, I wanted her to enact and be my mom. Right. So basically want our partners to be our parents. We're complex. We're human. And, you know, to go back to what you're, you were asking, but like, how do we simplify it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to like, I want like an acronym. Yeah. I want like a 10 minute morning exercise. Figure out your pattern. Here's like two really good easy ways is when I'm with someone, can I breathe?

Can I literally feel and breathe is everything constricted? Like. Meaning like, yeah, like. Yeah. Am I like shallow breath? Yeah, things like that. And it's like when I'm in the trauma tingles, for example, I'm not deep breathing. I'm not grounded in what do I want for dinner?

What do I want to watch tonight on television? It becomes about them in the trauma tingles. And if I'm like, oh, I want the spark back. I want the spark back. I would go back to when was the last time you slowed down, took the time to taste something like an apple. Like if you can't be in the nuance of flavors of something you get and have in the every day, how do you expect to do that with a partner? I love that.

And like lead into, because usually when we can't lead in with a partner, we're sort of numb to a lot of things. So just starting with what am I tasting or what am I smelling? What am I seeing in my environment and grounding in all of our senses while I'll just get back to our sensuality and our connection. Yeah, we got to wake up every possible receptor in us to be more receptive to what they have. have to offer us. Yeah, because what percentage of people you say are walking around numb? 89 to 100? I mean, most of us are.

I mean, I think that have some level of overriding or numbness, like whether it's from work or our asshole boss or that our neighbor who's too nosy or whatever that we feel conditioned to not have a full emotional expression with to like process all of that. And so we just kind of shut it down. and that shutdown layers over time. And the onion that we peeled away before. Oh, the onions that were bumping up against. The onions that were bumping up against.

The onions that peeled away to reveal more of ourself and feel that connection. Those layers get put back over time if we're not in a safe place, if we're not emotionally processing, all those things. And then we get back to shallow zone without the spark. And that's when people complain. in the shallow zone in the shallow traumatized yeah building resentment zone so how do you think that you've learned to avoid the trauma tangles yeah so one of the one of the things i had to learn how to do personally is um like being more comfortable with what we might deem is boring because in a human or in a situation in a in a relationship so it's like it's not a sparky spark that might be actually okay and a

deeper, like, compassion spark actually might emerge from what we were calling boring. If we're used to the, like, going on roller coasters, then simply going for a really beautiful walk may seem boring. But it's that beautiful walk that's more sustainable and we can keep going on it where it's harder to keep going on the roller coaster physiologically. Yeah. And, you know, I think for myself, like, I'm really going on more dates. And I'm not looking for that ultimate spark.

I'm looking for... That's the shift. Can I invest? Do I want to invest my energy, attention, and emotion? Do I get a multitude of things from this? Like, did I get a couple laughs out of this? Did I get to feel or reveal something more in myself? Did I get to know them and something that they don't often share?

Did we get to have an interesting experience? Like, those things will build more of the ultimate. spark early on will build more that ultimate spark that we're looking for that's sustainable and I know it's not the trauma tingle yeah yeah and I went on someone with date with someone recently where I was like oh this is my trauma tingle like I named it because they started like saying oh my gosh I'm so into you and then the next day they were like oh I'm not sure and next day they were like I'm back in you and I just said no see that's when we know we've actually made steps towards healing patterns when you're like, oh, I didn't go, I didn't take the bait.

I didn't go back into it. When I was, I had noticing. Yeah. When I was like, I'm not afraid of losing you because I'm more afraid of losing myself. Yeah, which is the greatest act of self-loved to make that change. And before, how I knew it was the drama dingles is I kept losing myself. Wow. Look up for.

That's good. This is really, really, really inspiring to notice, to see, to see our behaviors and to be able to change them. We're not stuck in any way. We don't have to be stuck. It's really just like awareness, attuning, paying attention to how people make you feel, what you value, how you want to feel with somebody. Like, like what I started to say is we felt great. I feel like if you meet a new friend or a new job or a new place and you have a feeling that feels good in your body, we should be looking for that in partners too. Yeah. So yeah, when you're feeling this, it's probably time to walk away. Bye roller coaster. By chasing love. Hello, sustainability.

Yeah. But oh, you know what else? One more thing. The boring thing was interesting because, you know, I have a lot of experience with boring. And I think that boring, meaning that I have a hard time with that. But there's also, there's like, I want the kind of boring. I think that there's the boring that comes with stability, no roller coaster. We go on walks. We take pottery classes. There's the boring with this person is just, doesn't make any effort, effort, doesn't do anything shallow, nothing interesting. Like, that's boring too. That's a different type of work. I felt that was a personal thing I had to say to people. Important. Important. Oh, okay. Well, thank you, Dr. Scott Lyons for being here. This is so fun.

That was a fun little roller coaster of a show. We got the, can we have the spark? What's the spark about? What's the healthy spark? Don't let it be a trombot tingle in your pants. Let it be the good kind of spark. Let it and how to keep it sustainable. And maybe even F the spark because there are other ways to create a more sustainable,

healthy, loving relationship that actually can go the distance and feel good in your nervous system. Yeah, fuck the intensity. Let's roll on into intimacy. Yes, I love that. More intensity. More intimacy, less intensity. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave it a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at Sex Withemly.com for free guides, articles, and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex dating our relationships? Call my hotline [phone] or leave a message at sex withemly.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me anytime at Feedback at Sex Withemly.com. I'd love to hear what you're thinking. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

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