Sex With Emily - Why We Struggle With Commitment

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

In this episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, we dive into the complexities of commitment by exploring our contrasting perspectives—one of us grappling with a fear of merging in relationships, the other reflecting on a tendency to overcommit. We unpack how childhood experiences, parental relationship models, and societal pressures shape our views on intimacy, boundaries, and compatibility. From the gamification of dating culture to generational differences in approaching relationships, we examine the challenges Gen X and Gen Z face in defining commitment. We also discuss the emotional weight of erectile dysfunction and the unrealistic expectations placed on male sexuality. Through honest conversation, we question traditional norms and explore the idea that commitment doesn’t have to be one-size-fits-all—sometimes, a redefined or intermittent approach may lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections. Show Notes: 00:00:00 - Commitment Phobia 00:02:21 - Commitment & Relationship Anxiety 04:40 - Commitment & Childhood Trauma 07:39 - Commitment Phobia & Dynamics 10:25 - Commitment, Casual Sex & Polyamory 13:10 - Commitment Issues & Attachment 15:14 - Avoidant Attachment & Dynamics 17:41 - Commitment vs. Incompatibility 20:00 - Commitment & "Perfect" Partners 22:20 - Dating Exhaustion & Sex Drought Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ  (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ Let’s get social:  Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X https://twitter.com/sexwithemily Facebook https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily   Let’s text: Sign up here https://sexwithemily.com/text

You've all heard me say there should be a bottle of lube on every nightstand. I've dreamed of this moment for years and now that vision is real. A bottle that's not just functional but beautiful. Something that reflects your worth. Enter Aria, a luxury silicone-based lubricant that's so much more than Glide. It's about intimacy across every dimension. This isn't just lube, it's intentional intimacy bottled. Do you appreciate design?

Because Aria's luxury glass bottle is gorgeous. And trust me, I've seen a lot of lubes. It's made to be displayed, not hidden. Because your pleasure, it belongs front and center and beyond beauty, Aria redefines connection. Each box includes a curated intimacy card with four beautifully designed prompts based on the four intimacies.

Verbal, emotional, physical and spiritual. So whether you're deepening a relationship or starting something new, ARIA makes intimacy intentional and beautiful. Head to arialuxlife.com slash Emily and use code SWE20 for 20% off. That's A-R-I-A-L-U-X-E-L-I-F-E dot com slash Emily and use code SWE20. I just think being super clear, and I think people are afraid to be clear about what they really want because then no one's going to want them. But it's like only the people who want what you want are going to want you and isn't that what you want? Yes.

Right? Are you afraid of commitment or just afraid of being trapped? Is it possible to crave intimacy but still panic when things get serious? Can you be sort of committed, like two months at a time with a pause button? And what if commitment isn't about restriction at all, but about release? In today's episode, we're getting real about the C-word. Commitment. Not just in love, but in life, in routines, in relationships, and what it means to say

yes without feeling like you're saying no to everything else. We're unpacking why so many of us feel boxed in by the idea of forever, why we inherit so many myths about commitment, control, and freedom, and how we might start to reframe commitment not as a prison, but as a practice. My co-host today is Dr. Scott Lyons. He's a dear friend and licensed holistic psychologist, body-based trauma expert and author of Addicted to Drama. He's helped over half a million people worldwide

break free from stress, trauma and drama through his signature somatic approach. This episode is part self-reflection, part confessional and totally validating if you've ever felt torn between closeness and autonomy. So whether you're a full-on commitment-phobe or just curious about rewriting the rules, this one's for you. Let's get into it. Emily, I want to start this episode with something kind of confrontational.

Alright. I think you have commitment phobia and I want to talk about it. Say more about that. Are you committed to talking about it? I'm in. All right, on a scale of one to 10, how is like, what's your ease with commitment in relationships, in relationships? In relationships. In relationships.

In relationships, I've dabbled in commitment. I've dabbled in commitment. Yeah. Yeah. I think about committing to a lot of things. I know that that's been a common theme. Yeah. Like putting a stake in the ground. Like last night, I committed to two months of yoga, but I knew we could get out of it. It was a year long, but they were like, you can renegotiate it for two months or you

can cancel it for two months or you can put it on hold. That was my kind of commitment that you can reevaluate the agreement. After two months, you can take three months off and then you can come back to it. Like that's my kind of commitment, intermittent commitment. I love that. I love that for you,

that intermittent commitment is your type of commitment. Because commitment usually has like this like through line, right? That's the problem with it. That's the problem with commitment is that- It's so consistent. It's so consistent. Ooh, it makes me so mad.

I think, I mean, I, so like the commitment, like the Latin root for it is like togetherness. Like it has two different roots. It brings in the word com, C-O-M. Com? C-O-M, not com. Thank God, not com, because not com. Not com, although maybe.

Com, C-O-M, so together. And then the rest of the word, like commitment, is derived from the idea of like, letting go. So it's like coming together to let go. Yes. And release into each other, which I love as an idea. Okay, so say more about that, how that would look in this scenario for you.

I think commitment often for people feels like, I mean a good chunk of people, trapped, suffocated, prison. Yeah, and I think it also means about like, how do we yield into each other? How do we really work on every, how do we become better as one, release what's holding us back together

and do all the work. So like you're actually letting go into the safety. You're letting go into each other, into the idea of being together. Yeah. And together. Together, I know. What does that bring up for you?

Well, okay, I hear like, we're gonna merge, we're gonna become one, we're gonna share each other's names, we're gonna be in the same bed every day with the rest. We're like, that to me seems really intense, but all that pressure and all that thing on one person, cause most people haven't totally cleared out all the expectations of what that role's gonna be

that person has to fill. So I think that merging to me makes me, like doesn't feel like it works. I think it needs to be tinkered with. I understand, I like the idea of releasing, letting go. What would you say, the coming together? Yeah, not coming together, but you- That's a myth.

I've done it. Same time? Yeah, same time. It's easier for men. It's easier for men. So unfortunate. Yeah, but we're talking about a different version of coming together. So coming together, I like in theory,

I think we all want that. When we think about it, like, oh, we released, we came together, we feel this safety and security. Like steadiness, like you know what's on the horizon and I think that's a big part of commitment. Like I mean I love commitment. I'm into it in terms of relationship. It gives me a sense of like it reduces my anxiety. It fucking reduces my anxiety. Okay so but for you it's so interesting. Right. This is the same side of the same coin though for you it makes you feel safe. Yeah. And more connected to someone you've less anxiety when you know that

someone's in. When we're in when we're releasing when we're in it together. However. Yeah. And how much safety how do you know though like you commit to someone and then there's all this doubt and there's problems and there's things. Well that's the thing it's like when you're committed to someone, the idea is that even in the challenging times, the love is the bond or the togetherness is the bond that can withstand any challenges. Can it, does it?

I mean, try it. Try it. But it's interesting, because I like asking people what does it mean for them and seeing like what's their body response. Like when you talked about like merging, like your voice got tight. Yeah.

And you got kind of knee-wocka. That's not true, I just thought that for dramatic. Don't make me commit, no. Because I think it can feel like a loss of freedom. Oh my gosh. And I know that the patterning comes from this childhood need so that I was always gonna be in charge, you can't rely on anybody, I'll be trapped,

so therefore I gotta go it alone, and if I go it alone, that's how I can survive. But if I commit to somebody and we're on a path together, then I can't, like that, I don't have evidence of that being a successful thing. I haven't, I haven't had experience, haven't modeled successful commitments. So it would make sense that, and with my, having always feel like I had to take care of everything

and do the things that was, it feels like I won't be able to have as much. I feel like when I'm just with my individually, it feels like I won't be able to have as much. I feel like when I'm just with my individually, I have more power and freedom and creativity and aliveness and pleasure when I'm alone and when I'm not committed. But that's not necessarily true completely, but that's the feeling it makes me feel.

It's like, I'm gonna have a loss. It'll be like a loss of myself. Yeah. It sounds like commitment and codependency kind of got over coupled. Like when you're having to give up yourself and you have to be in charge of, you're the parentified child,

like meaning like you're doing the things that a parent should do, or you're taking care of other people and or you're seeing that kind of misshaped commitment. And our parents. It's the misshapen, yes. Right. It's misshapen. And then we wanna do the opposite.

Like my dad as a kid loved avocado. Like when I was a kid, he loved avocados and I hated them because he liked them. And it's like the same thing we do as like when we see our parents and we're like, that's what commitment looks like. Yeah. I'm going to do the other thing, which is maybe intermittent commitment. Intermittent commitment? Well, it's funny because, okay, so this goes back to the origin.

Like, yeah, early on I saw my parents, like they would kept getting married, divorced, married, divorced. I attended four of my parents' weddings before I was 25. I thought that only parents got married. I literally was like, that was a family affair. Every year someone gets married. I hadn't been dealt with like cousins who got married. It was like literally parents. So I know that's my early conditioning, which was a very, very long time ago. And I've had many, many years to be in relationships with others.

And while they've been some committed, I think they're all good. They've been fine, good. It didn't feel my best version of myself for me to fully, with what commitment has traditionally meant. Like I can commit, but the whole commitment, okay, here's my thinking about commitment. Tell me. The right kind of commitment,

the right kind of commitment could work for anybody. But I don't know. We talked about last week and we talked about cheating and how people don't actually define what constitutes cheating and affairs and a relationship. People also want to discuss what does our commitment mean? Like, I think we make assumptions. We're going to move in together. And it sounds to me like you're saying you want to move in, you want to build a

home, you want to feel safe. You want that. I've learned that like, I want to build a home, you want to feel safe, you want that. I've learned that like I think I could be committed but also have separate homes. Like I could be committed but separate bedrooms. I'm someone who requires a lot of space because when I get enough space and then I come together with a person,

it's much, I can be much more myself and much more open to everything. But the way my life is as a creative woman who requires a lot of different things that don't include partners in my life to be the best version of myself. If commitment is like, yeah, we see each other once a week,

we go on vacations together, it's on the weekends only, or it's every other week for now in this stage of life, those kind of commitments look good. But that whole like, you're gonna become married, you're gonna become one, you're gonna have kids, you're gonna have 2.2 kids, and then you're going to move in together,

and then of course, well, probably before the kids. But then eventually, you're definitely not gonna want to have sex together, you're gonna become best friends, and all you're gonna wanna do is try to figure out how to get away from that person, and then sex becomes something of a- You have a story of what commitment turns out to be. Yeah.

And you are relaying that story. I'm gonna push back a little bit on that. Because I think like, if that's the narrative or the fairy tale of what commitment looks like, of course any sense of that is going to like trigger you or any of us. And like, what's the stats like? 45% of people have commitment phobia

or some type of aversion to commitment, that's huge. And it's just more men than women have a commitment phobia. Yeah, significantly more men than women. Significantly more men, which I first doubted, but I think that it comes up in different ways though, too, because you could also say that you're craving commitment, but once you're in that commitment, what happens that doesn't sustain it? I had a client who was very polyamorous.

I think he at one time had 30 partners. And that is a huge division of one's energy, emotion, and attention. And he came into my office because he's like, I'm always sick. And like, I always have a sore throat. Or I always have a flu. Syphilis will come around.

No, not from the syphilis. He's tired. Did you say syphilis? Yeah, it's a good word. Syphilis. He's tired. What's interesting is when we started saying like, how much energy and emotion and attention

is reserved for you? And he was like, well, none. And I was like, well then how do you expect your immune system to take care of you? And so it was like this whole thing about like restoring his own resources back to him and then realizing how much did he actually have for other people and who was the priority that he was willing to commit that energy,

emotion and attention to. Yes, that makes so much sense because this is the problem then I think the challenges that often happen with commitment including with myself is that if that person's getting let's say the 15% or 20% of most of your time, if you are not giving Giving it to yourself. Giving it to myself. And what I was saying that I- That's a co-dependency shift. Don't think that I can live with somebody in the same proximity every day and give to myself.

I don't know how to do that. As somebody who feels like I'm still figuring out how we coexist and live together, that maybe not living together, but also having it clear about how we coexist and live together that maybe not living together but also having it clear about how we actually are committed. Yeah. What do you think? Well, I mean, I think there's several origins. I think people typically blame the attachment style too easily and people typically say, oh, if you have an avoidant attachment, that means you're commitment phobic. And there is

relevance to that because like with a more avoidant stance or avoidant attachment style, like you've created a wall of protection. So it's really hard to deepen into relationship and commit to that if when you start to lessen the wall, it triggers a sense of being unsafe. And that's what an avoidant attachment really is. And say like, fuck it. If you have an anxious attachment style,

you're also not finding it easy to commit. Because you're over committing to someone and under committing to yourself, right? And that's an anxious style too. Which means that if you're not home to be in relationship to someone, you're not actually committing to the relationship. You're committing to try to keep them around in a way that disregards your own needs.

So in both cases, you're kind of disregarding, you've always guessed disregarding your own needs, right? Yeah, 100%. Because no one ever met your needs as a kid, and that's what developed the insecure attachment style to begin with. So this is why we're all working our childhood and our relationships.

Yeah. Like at what point do we just working our childhood and our relationships. Yeah. Like at what point do we just accept it? Like I'm clearly a boy. Like I literally broke up with my last boyfriend and I knew I was a boy, but I didn't really dig deeper. I'm on TikTok as one does and I'm watching this video and this girl comes on and she's like, hey, here's the story about how my boyfriend

of three months completely blindsided me and broke up with me on Saturday. And people are like, oh, we're all in and like thousands of views. She's like, okay. So we were dating for three months and he was very emotionally aware, emotionally mature. We've had a check in every Sunday in our relationship to say that like how are we doing and whatever. He's just wanted me to meet his family and all the signs were there for three months. He was gonna be committed.

And he was in it. And then yesterday he came over to my house and he said, you know what? I just don't think that we're compatible. I don't really see this working. I think we're great. And so everyone in the comments was like, avoid it, avoid it, dump him, avoid it.

Meanwhile, I had used that said that same thing to my boyfriend when I broke up with him. So the big question is what's avoidance and what's intuition about what's not compatible or what's like, you know what I mean? Yes. Like maybe you and fill in the blank of your last boyfriend's name and... John. John, John.

And maybe you weren't compatible. We weren't though, but I think he's like, okay, I see your point, but we were not compatible. You're not compatible. But yeah, and I'm at this point in life where it's like, I'm fine with it. But on the flip side is also what you said earlier about like over

committing when you're not compatible too. And that's that's part of a commitment issue too. It's not just the inability to be honest. Yeah. I don't think he listens. Nothing matters. Who doesn't listen? John. John. I just want to test you if you remember this name. Is that? Yeah. Cause this is what we've been talking about so much lately. Yeah. We know, I knew, I knew, I knew, like I was like right on, like there were so many red flags and then he was like into it, pressure, we should move in together, we should do things.

Yeah. And I over-rid my own power, my own decision-making, thinking like, maybe I shouldn't move in with somebody. This is something I have not done. Yes. I haven't tried it. I didn't check all the references, check the compatibility things, and then I knew right away, oh, this is it.

So is that commitment issues? Is that avoidant? Is it compatibility? There's so many other layers to it. You can be, what am I saying? Avoidant, but also learn to work through it with people that you're actually compatible with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.

If you're checking the red flags. If you are committed to a growth mindset with a partner, even if there's challenges, then that's a form of progress. You're gonna have a better chance if there's compatibility in that way. If you are like, I want growth, I want to work through my triggers around intimacy

and that other partner doesn't, and they're not interested in understanding your inner life of what's happening within you as you get triggered, then no, it's not compatible. That's a really good point, because do you find that you have had partners, because to me it's very important, I think for many of us to be seen.

I hear that often all the time. You're like, I didn't feel seen. I didn't feel seen. And when you've, I think you've said this, when we feel seen by somebody, like I truly know you see you. I know what you want. I'll buy you the right beef jerky. And, and so, which sorry I did, but is that like, that's what we want.

So in a way that's a skillset too. Like not everybody is as big because they don't really see themselves. So yeah, that's a little bit, that's really important too to be like somebody who's gonna do the work with you. Some people are like, I'm not even interested. Like, why do you have to go to the inner world?

Why do you have to look at all that stuff? Can't we just have fun or can't we just, you always wanna talk about. But that's someone who's not willing to commit. To commit to getting to know someone, to commit to the deepening of relationship. Commitment means releasing into the layers, right? And if someone's like, why can't we just keep it fun? And why do we have to like, you know, why do you have to talk about your needs? Because that is the ingredients for committing and deepening into the intimacy that's possible with someone.

And if they're not, cool. They're not actually committed. I think that we're saying the same thing in a way because any kind of relationship format, commitment doesn't have to mean, I guess, doesn't have to mean what we thought that it means, but I'd love a commitment that's, we are committed both to the same thing, whatever that looks like,

whatever that relationship structure looks like, we are committed to that same thing. Together, like 62% of Gen X cannot commit because they're waiting for the perfect partner. Yes. And so like we see all these other things besides the attachment issues, they're waiting for the perfect partner

or we can also talk about the exhaustion of choice. And do you, I wonder if that's just specific to Gen X but just because we have these stats. What is the perfect partner? How do you even know what the perfect partner is? Does the perfect partner exist? But then if there's so many choices, which with the never-ending scrolling you feel like you don't ever really have to choose. So the bigger better deal, the perfect partner's around the corner. Yeah. That's the problem with the gamification of dating now

is that we're always like, I'll just keep swiping because the better person might be next. Yeah. And it shows up in our commitment levels because it's like, okay, well, I'm on a date, but what if the date tomorrow is even better? Yeah, FOMO. FOMO, total FOMO of the potential future that's probably not gonna happen. FOMO of my future ex-boyfriend. Yeah, FOMO. FOMO, total FOMO of the potential future

that's probably not gonna happen. FOMO of my future ex boyfriend. Yeah, and so there's this interesting thing on choice theory that if you give someone more than three choices, they get exhausted and they usually shut down. And we have like essentially unlimited choices when we're on dating apps, right?

Yes. And we're talking to maybe multiple people at the same time, typically more than three, and the exhaustion levels get so high and we start to shut down. And we call that commitment issues, but we're frozen from having too much choice.

Yes. And that's an important distinction. Absolutely, too much choice, too much gamification of it, too much dopamine going like, almost like commitment won't feel as exciting. It doesn't. Because you're always getting something new, you're always meeting someone new,

so it's really just not set up that way. And a lot of kids coming from divorce, right? In this generation too, Gen X's parents might have been divorced or they haven't seen it either, and they're not dating, and they're also not having sex. So they're not even having the intimacy or sex, Gen Z. They grew up during COVID. They were in high school or they were,

they're a lot of them were like- I think they're having sex. I don't think they're having so much sex. Really? Yes, that's, every day there's a story about like the sex drought. The sex drought, wow. But anyway, it's harder to,

I think that they're just growing up slower when it comes to sex. Like it's a little bit less- Like confidence? Confidence, connection, not just walking up slower when it comes to sex. Like it's a little bit less confidence, connection, not just walking up to anybody and meeting them and talking to them, it's all through an app, then there's anxiety with that.

And then on the heels of the whole Me Too movement, I think that there's a lot of younger men and women who are just like, I'm afraid of being sued, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. And then porn, I think there's been all these layers into sex and dating with Gen Z that's made it harder as well. I think also, I mean, I wanna go back to this idea of the perfect partner,

because there is no perfect partner. What does that even mean? It's like a fantasy versus reality. The reality is there's so much pressure and commitment and standards, partner. What does that even mean? It's like a fantasy versus reality. The reality is there's so much there's so much pressure and commitment and standards put on finding this perfect person that's gonna check all these boxes and sometimes even the boxes aren't. If you're not someone who has a growth mindset around sex and wants to process sex and relationships and

dating then that's not your person either. So yeah I think that we don't even know sometimes what we want until we get into a messy relationship and we're like, oh, I'm definitely gonna need that next time. Yeah, there has to be enough overlap on the Venn diagram of values for- Where do you start then, values? I think values, like, do we have a shared set of values?

Do we have a shared set of ideas of where our future could be? Do we respect each other? I think those are really good places to start. Respect is important. And those things grow over time. I respected you from the moment I met you and you inspired me and all of those things that I find really important as far as a relationship goes, but it deepens too.

And so there's this idea that like, I meet you, we go on a first date, you're perfect, as opposed to we learn and grow and discover each other and develop and like into more perfection. I feel like with friendships, I have committed deeply. Yeah, you have. Because I said this to my friend the other night, I said, do I have commit issues?

I was talking about this and she's like, why do you say that? I said, she said, well, do you have friends? I'm like, I've had the same friends for 30, 40 years, 20, 30, I'm the most incredible friend, aunt, to everything, godmother. But in the relationships part of it, I feel more trepidation about it,

but I feel it's because I was never fully created the relationship that I actually wanted within an intermittent commitment. Oh, within an intermittent commitment. Whatever it is, couldn't define the commitment. I think I've never been typical, I've never been the typical woman

who wanted the typical things, and I think for so long, I was still trying to fit into that because it felt somehow not right the way that I was. And while I still think I've shedded that, which it still comes up sometimes. So I wanna proudly say that I'm pretty clearly right now, you know, who I am and know what I want.

And we'll create that kind of relationship around it, whether it has a standard level of commitment or not. I hear that, and I appreciate your transparency. Because I think there's a lot of people, I mean, if 42% of women have commitment issues, and then the other percentage experiencing being with someone or dating people who had that commitment issue,

and I think we might wanna give them a little advice and support. Okay. So like, what would you say to someone if I came to you and I think we might wanna give them a little advice and support. Okay. So like, what would you say to someone if I came to you and I said, Emily, I'm in all these like situationships. And because the rise of the situationship is massive. Well, like Hinge said there's like 52% of people they surveyed said they were in situationships,

meaning uncommitted relationships. Yeah. And so if I came to you and I'm like, hey, I just keep finding myself with people who won't commit, who seem to do the situationship thing, what would you say to me? I would say, okay, well, there's a reason, we tend to blame like all these situationship people

are coming up out of nowhere, but you are actually part of the situationship. You're part of the situation. How dare you? You're choosing that. So I think it's because we're like, I don't want to commit or I'm just going along with the situationship. People think they're attracting all of these, like, oh, why do I get all these people?

What are we doing that's making that, recreating that situation? So if you're not happy about the situationship, what is the kind of relationship do you actually want? I just think being super clear, and I think people are afraid to be clear about what they really want because then no one's gonna want them. But it's like only the people who want what you want

are gonna want you, and isn't that what you want? Yes. Right? I love that clarity. I love that boundary. I mean, it's hard. I think that's one of my favorite new lines is, they're just not my person. Before, I think so many of us, including myself, would be like,

oh, they have this attachment style and I can teach them and I can fix them and I can convince them that I'm good enough or whatever it is. But to simply say, they're just not my person. Not my person. Yeah. Not my person. Well, here's the other thing you have to remember that whenever I feel this way about friendships, and I probably said this before, but the people in my life that are the closest people to me,

and I mean friends, chosen family, the second I met them, within the first few minutes, hour meeting this person, we knew pretty clearly on that we were gonna be friends, we felt a connection and the ones that had been around, we both nurtured it. And you just knew, I never had a doubt, you and I right away, we knew each other. A lot of my friends are like that.

So these people that we date and we're not so sure what happened in Hawaii, maybe they'll grow, we know. So to me, that evidence in every other area of my life is enough information to realize that when I happened in Halloween, you should maybe grow, we know. So to me that evidence in every other era of my life is enough information to realize that when I'm in this romantic situation, there shouldn't be all these like waiting for them to show up and waiting for them to suddenly fix themselves and get better. But I also wanna do a shout out for the people

who have been dating someone or investing in someone for a couple months. And then all of a sudden they show up and they say, I don't think we're compatible. And it's like, because I have been in that situation. Why are you listening in on my conversations? Why am I not listening in on your conversations? But I've had that experience of like people being like, oh my gosh, you're so interesting and special and I can see a future for us.

And then like, and consistently say that. And then one day they're like, you know, I think like maybe we're not the right people together. And so like quick, fast change. How is that when that happens? That must be really. I just say, oh.

Confusing. I was like, this feels like a whiplash. I'm wondering if that was part of, like is that, you know, I'm a fucking therapist. But do you think that they're even aware of it? I've learned in the more recent process to do two things. Get curious. And that tends to like shine a little bit of light

for people. Like I think at times I've done, I've also done like, hey, that feels like little bit of light for people. I think at times I've also done, hey, that feels like a bit of whiplash. Is that familiar in your history to be really invested in someone and then not? Which is a strategy, but then they'll be like, thank you, doctor. You gotta be careful.

You gotta be careful on that one. But I might go, well, what's coming up all of a sudden that feels like it's not the right match for you? I'm curious. See, it's so compassionate and curious. It's really the way to do it because otherwise, what do you mean? How could you say that? And you're like, okay, tell me more about that.

Tell me more. And they're like, oh, well, you know, I just had this feeling in my gut. And I'm like, what's the feeling in your gut about? And actually be curious. It's hard because part of us is deeply hurt that all of a sudden we're getting rejected. Yeah. But I've- We have to get into that.

I've actually done this with a previous partner where they're like in that phase. I'm like, what's coming up? And I'm like, you know, and really not done the therapy part of it, but really done the curious, caring part. They're like, oh my gosh, this is what happened to me as a kid.

They came to that conclusion themselves. This is it. I think you're right. If anybody could learn to be curious, it's just that our patterning is to get defensive. Super defensive. So you've learned to shift to compassion and curiosity, and that's literally gonna save most people's problems

and challenges and relationships. If you save most people's problems and challenges and relationships. If you could learn to regulate, take a few deep breaths, I'm really angry, I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling rejected, what do you mean we're not compatible? And saying, okay, I'm curious, tell me more about that. Where is it coming from? That could change so much, but we don't react. It gets stronger.

So then you're learning that usually none of it's about, well, maybe some of it is about, well, that's what we gotta talk about compatibility versus the chemistry, right? The chemistry is so much amazing, but the compatibility also really matters. Like a friend of mine last night came over to me or came to my house and we was talking about like,

yeah, I was sitting in the sky for two months and we were cuddling and he couldn't get erect. And I asked him what's present for you, what's coming up and he just said, yeah, maybe I'm just not attracted to you. No. And- Wait, that happened?

Yeah, that happened. Do you know that that is not true? That men have erectile dysfunction and mostly it's not related to them. And they just associate. They're trying to find like- Who is this guy? Can she break up with him? Holler right now.

They're not seeing each other. That upsets me. Women's biggest concerns are that when a guy's penis doesn't function as she thinks it should, they're like, oh, it's cause I'm fat. I did something wrong. He doesn't like me anymore. He's over me.

He's not attracted to me. And I would say that 99% of the time that is actually not true. Usually it's about something other than like, he was too in his head, he was thinking about other things, he was stressed, he was high, whatever. But I don't typically think it's about something other than like he was too in his head. He was they were things he was stressed He was high whatever but I don't typically think it's because I thought I was attracted to you every other times since before this time I was hard now. I'm limp. It's your fault cuz you got ugly and I'm not attracted to anymore

But that's what your friends boyfriend said to her Yeah, yeah to me. I feel like that is probably not true. He was feeling insecure because his penis wasn't being hard. And he just blamed it on my friend. Yes, but I'm saying that's already a nightmare that women do that anyway and I always tell women it's not about you. His penis has its own life, its own thing that is unrelated to you. Because the other thing he said to my friend was, I feel so safe around you and so it's

strange that I'm not attracted to you. And I'm like, hello, talk about intimacy issues. This is like, oftentimes the safer we feel with someone, the more it evokes our fears because all of a sudden it's safe enough to feel them. Right? Yeah. And so like, of course, the safer you feel, the more shit is gonna come to the surface

because it finally can. Yeah. So, and also safety can cancel out arousal and attraction. Safety can. Or desire. Yeah. If safety has been paired with like things like fear,

then it's certainly going to take out any type of erection or arousal. But have you ever been with someone and you were like, your penis didn't react because you actually weren't attracted to them physically? I think my penis always performed well, but I could feel, yes, I was with someone and I was like, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

And it wasn't until like four months in that I was like, oh, this feels right. I stayed committed even because there was enough other good stuff. I stayed committed to like, can we change this? Can I evolve? Can I figure out what's going on in me? And it did. And then I couldn't keep my pants on around this

person. So after this discussion, on a scale of one to 10, how much more do you feel like you're open to commitment? I feel like I'm the same exact open to commitment, but I'm, I think I'm open to commitment, but I think I'm open to commitment that is well-defined and intermittent commitment on a very clear sort of understanding between myself and whoever the committees are. What about you? How do you, what is your level of commitment after this episode?

What have you learned? You know, I have learned that I want to try out a little intermittent commitment. No, that's a lie. I'm actually naming like that over commitment is a commitment issue, brings a lot of awareness for me and going, I do think I invest and give too quickly

before I recognize if that can be received and offered back. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, especially because you know that that's something that you want, but jumping into a little too quickly might be like, we'll find out a little bit more, we'll gather a little bit more information before we get to that commitment. Yeah.

I love you. Yeah, I've realized both, three of my long-term relationships, I just went into a relationship and committed after one date. Okay, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. bring it up, I got something else to do. Same, both are different ends of the commitment coin. Yeah, yeah. Let's flip that coin.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, tik tok and X. It's all at sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good email so sign up at sex with Emily calm for free guides,

articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex, dating, or relationships? Call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX, that's 559-825-5739, or leave a message at SexWithEmily.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me anytime at feedback at SexWithEmily.com. I'd love to hear what you're thinking.