Sex With Emily - Why Your Fantasies Are Sexually Healthy

Starting point is 00:00:03 I want to explain to you that when we are judging our fantasies or our thoughts, we're stuck. But when we don't attach any meaning to them, like, it's okay that I fantasize. Whatever comes up for me right now, I'm just going to fantasize about and I'm not going to judge it. Then you might find that there's even more fantasies coming into your head and you'll feel more free and more open. But the negativity and judgment on ourselves is what actually holds us back and makes us feel worse. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what is your biggest fantasy?

Starting point is 00:00:43 Maybe it's watching your partner with someone else. It's role playing. Maybe it's something else entirely. Well, I share your top fantasies from you, my listeners that you shared on Instagram, what they actually mean, how you can bring them up to a partner, and why you don't have to share all of your fantasies with another person, but also why sexual fantasies are important. I also answer questions about how to break out of the friend zone.

Starting point is 00:01:04 What to do if you fantasize about a best friend? How about if you struggle to fantasize about anything? Plus, I break down everything you do know about threesomes, latex, panties, and foot fetishes. And remember this about fantasies. We all have fantasies and there should be no shame in having fantasies. Please rate and review Sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show, it helps get the shot to more people, and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now.

Starting point is 00:01:30 Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection.

Starting point is 00:01:57 That's exactly why we created the Shop Sex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team, and these are products I choose. trust. I recommend to clients and would tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about. It's what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly, we've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the dame pillow for supported sex, the magic wand waterproof. Oh my God, it's so good. Cray Vesper, massage candles, Joe flavored lube, we vibe touch, clitoral vibrators. There's just so many things on there because

Starting point is 00:02:31 pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop. Sex Withemly.com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Real talk. Sexual fantasies. What's the deal? Essentially, a fantasy is any thought that turns you on.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Maybe it's a mental image or a pattern of thought that stirs you sexually and then enhances your sexual arousal. And I want to tell you that it's okay to fantasize. It's actually part of being sexually healthy is having a rich fantasy life. They can enhance your relationship with your partner, help you understand yourself and your own sexuality, and there's a lot of important information that's revealed in our fantasies. The most common fantasies, threesomes, group sex, non-monogamy, BDSM, bondage discipline, sadomasochism, oral sex, anal sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, so either, you know, the fantasy of someone watching you have sex or you're watching others having sex. In fact, get this. You want to know

Starting point is 00:03:43 about the psychology behind fantasies? You should listen to a past episode I did with Justin Lay Miller. We can put that in the show notes. But he wrote a book, Tell Me What You Want, the Science of Desire, and how it can help you improve your sex life. And I did a podcast with him a few years ago, but I thought you'd find this interesting. Okay, group sex, 89% of people have said that they've had a threesome fantasy. And this is all genders. But what is that? say about your psychological needs? Well, Justin found that group sex fantasies were linked to a desire to feel sexually competent and be irresistible. And usually when we're having a group sex fantasy, could be an orgy, could be a threesome, we're the center of attention. Now, hey, it's okay if you

Starting point is 00:04:24 don't fantasize about group sex. Maybe you fantasize about passion and romance. What might that fantasy mean? Well, if you have frequent fantasies about watching a sunset and then making love on the beach, It might mean that you're somebody who really craves feelings of love and intimacy. People who have more dominant fantasies, turns out they want to receive approval and to feel desired. So fantasies can say a lot about us, but you don't even have to get into this psychology. Today's show, I just want you to know that it's common, and there is a lot of psychology behind it. And one more thing I want to mention is forced sex fantasies or the rape fantasy. It's really common for women to have these fantasies.

Starting point is 00:05:02 And regardless of gender, men, you know, all genders have had this. fantasy, it is more common among women, but you have to understand, it's not that women are saying, I want to be raped. It means that we want consensual sex from somebody who desires us so deeply that they can't help but force themselves on us. Now, there's a few reasons why we could have that. It could also be because a lot of times women have been shamed for being sexual and told that if we desire sex, there's something wrong with us. So it also absolves us of having any sexual desire. So if we're taken, we didn't have any say in the matter. And it could be that maybe, you had a history of sexual victimization. I just wanted to cover that and say,

Starting point is 00:05:40 bottom line in this show is that it's okay. Sexual fantasies are healthy. And I actually asked all of you on Instagram. I was like, what are the most common fantasies that you have that you haven't quite acted on yet? There's some good ones in here. Double penetration from two guys. Being tied up. A male, male, female, threesome MMF with my wife where she makes me play with the other guy. Hot candle massage. Role play with outfits. Roll play with dominant submissive. Missionary with kissing a friend I've known for a very long time. Sex in public. Cuckolding. Lesbian threesome. Even though I'm straight. Is that okay? Yes, it's all okay. Using toys on my wife. Making love in front of a window in Paris. Airplane bathroom quickie. My partner having sex with another woman and then coming home and having sex with me.

Starting point is 00:06:33 giving oral to another man in front of my wife, making love in a canoe, I'd like to see my wife with another woman, pegging my husband, elevator, always wanted to be pushed against the elevator wall and go for it, skirt no panties in public, a women-only sex club, sexy couples massage, teacher-student dynamic in the classroom. I really want to be tied up and blindfolded, but I'm so nervous to tell my partner, we'll get into how to do that. Orgy, sex swings, sex on top of a mountain, see you guys the fantasies run the gamut here at sex with Emily. So thank you everyone for sharing it. And I think after listening to the episode, you're going to feel ready to make these fantasies a reality. So let's talk about this. How do you describe a fantasy to a partner? How do you have

Starting point is 00:07:19 the conversation with your partner that you want to try a fantasy? Try this model. The who, what, where, when we're communicating that we want to try something with a partner, it really helps to be specific. Think of like your elevator pitch. So think of the who. So let's say I have a fantasy for a threesome. I'm talking to my partner about it. Who would I want to be part of this fantasy? So I could say, I really want you to be part of this fantasy that I have about having sex with you and another man. So what? What's the fantasy? I would say, and I picture a fantasy with you and another man and we're on vacation somewhere. And I kind of give them the rundown of how I picture the fantasy going down. Then when? When is important? When did I first have this fantasy? Think about our fantasies have origins

Starting point is 00:08:05 from childhood. A lot of times there's fantasies that we had growing up. You know, we might have particular images about something that aroused us. We might not even remember, but a lot of times they are linked up to that. But I could say when. So the when is, when did I first have this fantasy? I could say I remember first having it when I was a kid. I remember the first time I masturbated, I was thinking about having a threesome. Where? Where did it develop? Well, I heard about a threesome once from my older brother, he was talking about it and I overheard him and I've been fantasizing about it ever since. And then the why. This is an important part about expressing your fantasies. The why is it means a lot to me. I've integrated a lot of my arousal and sexual identity

Starting point is 00:08:42 around this fantasy. And so I would love if we could at some point share in this fantasy. But I want you to know that once you express this fantasy to a partner, you can thank them for listening, some gratitude and appreciation that they're so open to something that is so personal to you, and then ask them if they want to share feelings about what their fantasies are or how they feel about it. And remember, if your partner needs time to think about it or process, respect that. Just thank them for being open to the dialogue. And I think that's all we can do. And sometimes our partners don't really understand fantasies or maybe it's confusing to them or they feel like they are not desirable to you because you have a fantasy about someone else or something else.

Starting point is 00:09:23 but I'm here to tell you that all fantasies are normal and they're okay. And there are two kinds of fantasies. There's the ones that you actually want to happen in real life. And there's the ones that you want to keep to yourself. And I think we know what those are. It's all okay. One more thing I want to say is fantasy versus fetish. So a fantasy is something that you think about often or maybe you've had this image in your

Starting point is 00:09:44 mind or a story in your mind about something that you want to happen. A fetish is different. A fetish is something that's actually required for arousal. Maybe you have a foot fetish. or a latex fetish or a hair fetish. That means that it's a requirement for you to get really aroused. You actually, unless you're thinking about latex or see someone in latex, it'll be hard for you to get aroused.

Starting point is 00:10:06 So that's a difference between a fantasy and a fetish. Tracy is calling back. I love when people call back and tell me what's up. Tracy 35 in California. Tell me everything, Tracy. Hello. Hi. So I called a couple months ago and told you,

Starting point is 00:10:23 about my best friend. Our lives are very involved and she's my ex-husband's wife. Oh, right. You have best friends. So your ex-husband is now married to your best friend, right? He married her. He married her and that's how we met.

Starting point is 00:10:41 And then we became best friend. Got it. Okay. And then who were you married to again? Just my husband. Got it. Okay, got it. It's a great man.

Starting point is 00:10:49 And then you had attraction, you had a chemistry with your ex-husband's new wife. And you're very close. And there was some kind of chemistry. Your best friends. But there was a little bit of sexual chemistry. He started, yeah, he does not treat her well.

Starting point is 00:11:04 Right. Just like he treated you. And it got really, really, really bad. After consoling her for so long, I did. I developed some feelings. And we had some crazy, crazy chemistry. So while they were working things out, we just developed some boundaries. Like, we didn't touch each other.

Starting point is 00:11:22 we didn't stuff like that. Like we huffed and that was pretty much as far as our touches meant just because of how much sexual chemistry was there. And I did tell my husband, as soon as I developed feelings, I went straight to him and I told him exactly what I felt going on and like, what do we do from here? And I talked to my therapist about it and he said develop boundaries, you know, and I ended up talking to her about it and she communicated that she felt the same way. And so we lived like that for a while and it was fine.

Starting point is 00:11:51 So she has left. She left him. Oh, she left. She's going to get a divorce. She's moved in with me and my husband. And now we are a triple. Tadda. Wow.

Starting point is 00:12:07 It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing. Wow. You're a thruple and your husband's out cold. Okay. Well, tell me about the, I want to hear about the arrangements and the boundaries. Like, are you sharing a bedroom? with your husband and the woman, all three of you?

Starting point is 00:12:25 We do. We share a bed. We have a inside bed. And my husband and I take turns with the middle because she gets really hot at night. She wants no part of the middle. What is your husband? So your husband also then has an attraction to her? Yeah, because she's beautiful.

Starting point is 00:12:41 And she's amazing. So it's really hard to not have an attraction to her. So now clearly it's working. Tell me about the sexual experiences. Like, is it always a three of you to? Is it ever just you and the woman? Is it ever her and your husband? It doesn't even seem real.

Starting point is 00:12:57 It's such magic. She's like the softest thing I have ever felt in my life. And I had never been with a woman before her. I mean, I'm sexually attracted to women, but I met my ex in high school. I got pregnant at 17. He got married and I divorced young. And then I met my husband at 22. So we've been together ever since.

Starting point is 00:13:21 So you with your husband, your current. husband for 20 plus years. And now you're able to alter the relationship to have a woman enter the home that everyone's into and everyone's, you're having great sex. Now, do they have sex without you? They have, yes. So I was upstairs and we were watching a movie and I woke up and they were gone. And I went downstairs and they were in our room and it just really, really turned me on. So then it was the three of us. Compersion. Wow. There hasn't been, how long has this been going on? I'm so happy to hear this and there haven't been any boundaries crossed or jealousy issues. No jealousy issues. And I don't even know if that's the feeling. Like sometimes they get like a, whoa, this is really weird.

Starting point is 00:14:06 And like I have feelings in my gut and I don't like them and I don't want them to be there. And I don't know if that's necessarily jealousy because if we have sex and there's no jealousy, these feelings come up at just weird brand of time. And those are the feelings that I'm not sure have a name or to describe. Okay. In your therapy? I mean, this is an incredible story. I love that the sex is working out for you all. And I just want you to, you know, hopefully you have good communication.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Maybe you have a time once a week where the three of you get together and talk about it. No feeling things out right now. Like, I don't know the things that I don't like. Things that have, you know, nothing that I don't like has happened yet. I'm not sure what those are. And I just, the three of us have talked mostly like 90% about communication. Because that's where this all started. Like I started listening to you on my way home from work.

Starting point is 00:15:04 And then it's just communication, communication, communication. So I started feeling these feelings for my friends. And I immediately went to my husband and it's really working on. Tracy, it sounds really healthy. And thank you for sharing all that with me because you're not asking for advice. But as a friend, I'm just going to share what I'm hearing is that it's been a month, and which is the best time of a relationship. The first month, it's the honeymoon phase,

Starting point is 00:15:25 and you get to be on a honeymoon again with your husband and with a new woman, and you're in a thruple, and it sounds like you guys have, you've navigated a lot, you've been in each other's lives for a long time. These are all good things rather than like, we've met a random person on the dating app, and now we're in a thruple. You're talking about things communicating,

Starting point is 00:15:41 but like I said, I would recommend that you do talk once a week right now because you don't know, maybe there are things coming up for people. Like, you know, you said, I feel these things, but I don't. know what they are, those are the things, a check-in, those are the kind of things you could be like, let's all just, you know, have a drink and talk for an hour because then you could feel safe to be like, we don't know that maybe last week when she saw you and your husband doing something, maybe she did have a little feeling in the stomach as well, like, oh, a little gut.

Starting point is 00:16:08 And this is with the stuff to talk about. I think eventually you're going to need some boundaries in place. You're going to need some more structure around it. But I love the phase that you're in, and it sounds like it's great. So keep me posted, Tracy. We're all following along with you. And I think a thruple could be a fascinating turned and an interesting way to be in a relationship. And people often think, oh, it never works. And it's great. You know, I think that we get to decide what kind of relationship we want to be in.

Starting point is 00:16:34 And that's how I can help you. Okay. Well, Tracy, thank you for calling back in. I love, I love hearing the update. What a year you've had. Okay, this is from Monica 28. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm in a loving and healthy relationship. However, I'm attracted to a guy from the gym, and lately when I masturbate, I fantasize about him. Is this wrong? All right, Monica, listen, it is completely normal and common for people to fantasize about other people when we're in a relationship. In fact, I would say that the majority of people do. Do we always talk about it? Do we say, hey, babe, last night, I had a really hot fantasy about the barista who made me a coffee. No, we don't. We don't. But I know being a sex educator that it is more common than not. So the more kind you can be to yourself and accepting of your variant fantasies, you're going to feel more free to be able to explore and maybe your fantasies will start to grow and evolve and change. But I want to explain to you that when we are judging our fantasies or our thoughts, we're stuck. But when we don't attach any meaning to them, like, it's okay that I fantasize what.

Starting point is 00:17:46 whatever comes up for me right now, I'm just going to fantasize about and I'm not going to judge it, then you might find that there's even more fantasies coming into your head and you'll feel more free and more open. But the negativity and judgment on ourselves is what actually holds us back and makes us feel worse. So you have my permission. It's okay to fantasize. We can't really control our thoughts. And the more permission we give ourselves to explore fantasies, whatever they might look like, we'll just feel better in our relationships. And I don't know what your relationship is like with your partner, but you could also have a talk with them and say,

Starting point is 00:18:21 hey, what do you fantasize about? What turns you on? And then you could maybe start to create new fantasies together, do some role playing, or maybe there's some scenarios that would be hot for both of you. But don't put yourself up. It is very common, Monica, and you're doing great. All right, this email is from Sarah 24 in Boston.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Dear Dr. Emily, I've been fantasizing about being a third in bed to a married couple lately. I ended a long-term relationship in April and two other short-term relationships since then. I loved my sexual relationship with my long-term partner and I've been missing having someone in my life who makes me feel sexy all the time and consistently gives me pleasure. I feel like meeting a couple who I can have great sex with would be so much fun and the idea of two people fawning over me is very attractive. I was thinking a married couple would be best since there wouldn't be any commitment and the nature of the relationship would obviously be very clear. I want to still explore myself sexually while dating, looking for my partner, but I miss good partnered sex that I'm not getting right now.

Starting point is 00:19:22 My question is, how do I find a married couple to have sex with? I love your show so much. Thanks for educating me. All right, Sarah, you sound like you have thought this through, and I think that to be a unicorn in a threesome is typically less complicated than being a couple when they're bringing in a third. What I mean is, you know, you get to go in and be the center of attention and you don't have the emotional attachment to the couple. And your intention is to just go and learn more about yourself and also get your needs met. That sounds like a good reason for me to try it out. You know, you just want to make sure that you are safe. So having the conversations about protection, but also making sure that they're safe, all those things.

Starting point is 00:20:09 So first, finding a third, there are a lot of great resources right now online. And I'll get to that in a minute. The other option is asking around locally if you know any friends who are into the lifestyle or parties. Maybe there's like a sex toy store nearby. Sometimes they have classes. Usually if you find someone who's already been a third in a relationship or a couple who's into that, you might be referred. So I'm going to send you online. Here's the places that people have found a third. One of them is called field. F-E-E-E-L-D. Another one is OKCupid, FET-Life, adult friend finder, hashtag open. You might also try Tinder and Fantasy Match. And I would just start to look at a few of those sites, how they work as you can put a profile up, or maybe you'll see a couple who's actually looking. What I've heard from a lot of people dating online is that they come across a couple who's looking for a third. So I would to start to explore and don't jump right into the sex. Maybe you could do a FaceTime date with them and figure out if there's a connection or meet them for lunch or coffee. You want to make sure that you vet them, that you're attracted to them, that you feel safe. So I wouldn't rush right into it,

Starting point is 00:21:22 but I think that doing some exploring, checking out some of these apps, you'll be able to find a couple. I want to hear how this goes for you, Sarah. I think it's really brave and I think you're going to have a lot of fun. Okay, this is from Luke 38 in Tennessee. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my wife for over 10 years and she has known I have a pretty big latex fetish and I'm mildly into BDSM. Very light though. Definitely not a fetish of hers, but I obviously would like her to dip into it every now and then. I know she's a bit of a kinky side and it comes out after a few drinks, but she's embarrassed and self-conscious about wearing latex clothing. How do you suggest I approach this? Along the same lines, I'd like to have her try pegging me. She will

Starting point is 00:22:03 occasionally finger me if I ask, but she definitely thinks it's weird. All right, I would recommend that you take my communication advice about timing, tone, and turf. We have a guide in our site if you want to download it. But I talk about having the conversation outside the bedroom about your sex life. Now, it sounds like you're making some assumptions and you say she's self-conscious about wearing clothes, but she's into it at certain times. I would just talk to her and say, you know, you know I've had this latex fantasy for a while and I think it would be so hot to see you in latex clothing. Why don't we go shopping together? I'd love to see you try it on. Let's have this be a shared experience. If you go into a dressing room together and she sees your response to her

Starting point is 00:22:47 in the clothing, then that might sort of feed her own arousal and it might be, you know, more than you even could have asked for. I've heard from a lot of people who have similar fantasies about wanting their partner to do something. And what might be her challenge is that maybe she just doesn't know where to start or she's like, do you want me to go out and buy the latex outfit? How does this scenario play out? And so definitely just means that we need a little bit more conversation with our partner. So let's talk about pegging for a minute. So that means that you want to be penetrated anally with a dildo. That's what pegging is. And this goes back to more conversations. She it's a little bit weird. She might also just not have experience. A lot of the stuff that we think is

Starting point is 00:23:29 weird and that we judge is because we haven't had a lot of time to explore and to play with it. So she might need some more information about it. She might need to maybe watch some porn with you where someone's being pegged so she knows what she's doing. Maybe you could tell her about why it turned you on and how it's a significant source of your arousal. So again, this is all about communication. I recommend downloading our yes-no-may-mabee list, which is at sex with emily.com. It's a free guide. And you can both go through and fill out. It lists a bunch of fantasies, bondage, cuddling, spanking, teasing. It has so many things on the list. And you can both take it separately and see what's our yes, what's our nose, and what's our maybes. And you

Starting point is 00:24:17 might find that there's a whole new world of things that are your mutual yeses that you had no idea about. And then if she has a maybe about something, it's a great jumping off point to say, so why is pegging a maybe? And then she could tell you, well, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, or I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you, or it never seems like the right time. I mean, it could just be a few things about it that's making her uncomfortable, but you're not even sure what they are. So again, having a super healthy open conversation where you're saying we're not going to judge each other, it's all okay. Let's just listen and reflect back what we heard. could be some great next steps for you both to get your needs met.

Starting point is 00:24:56 And hey, you might find out some things that really turned her on as well. Be right back with a call from Scott, who's wondering how to make the first move. Let's talk to Scott 55 in Florida. Scott, thanks for holding and for calling. I find myself encountering somebody from 20 years ago, and we hang out, and it's clear that the signals are being given to me, but I don't want to not be who I was 20 years ago, but I saw myself this person's 20 years older also.

Starting point is 00:25:37 And I'm just kind of wondering, and I've never had this issue before, how to heck do I, you know, get things going? It's clearly there for me. So what's happening? Have you hung out? Have you seen each other? Yeah, we hang out like once and twice a week.

Starting point is 00:25:52 But it hasn't become sexual again? Or has it been? Apparently it's in my hands. sits a few inches way and basically saying, you know, I'm in your hands. So I don't know for some reason I'm having for the first time, I'm having problems overcoming that hump. And, you know, because I don't want it to be disappointing and I don't want it to not live up to my expectations. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, how did it, why did it end 20 years ago? I guess we both were going in in different directions. I'm not going to bore everybody with the

Starting point is 00:26:25 specifics and we just got too far out in our own worlds and didn't leave enough time for each other. And now you feel this attraction to her again, right, when you're sitting across from at the table or something extra? Yeah, there was an encounter and led into other encounters, friendly with the family dog, the whole type of stuff, hang out there, have fallen asleep there, you know, sit and hang out in her bedroom and not for all people. So we indulge her. in our way. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:58 So what happens? Give me a push. Here's the push, right? Scott, why don't you just say to her, I want to kiss you? I can't stop thinking about kissing you. And then she would if she says, well, then kiss me. How's that? I keep thinking about her lips.

Starting point is 00:27:11 Everything else should take care of itself based on past experiences. Right? There you go. You know, you could explain to her that it's been a challenge, but I think if you'd let her know, then let her make the move. I think that's a great way to kind of practice consent as well, is to to let someone know what you're thinking. Like I keep thinking about your body

Starting point is 00:27:29 or I keep thinking about, yeah, kissing you. Would you be okay with that? Yeah, I catch myself taking glances. So, yeah, I like that because also I think as soon as you kiss somebody, you know if it's there or not there anyway. Just say that. And then she'll probably be like,

Starting point is 00:27:46 what took you so long, Scott? And then you just be the old Scott that you are. I think you just, it is a hump. You're really, it's very specific. And once that happens, you'll be like, Oh, it's like riding a bike. I know what I'm doing. I'm Scott.

Starting point is 00:27:59 But you've kind of created a scenario in your head that this is somehow like, has a lot of meaning to it. And maybe it will be. Maybe it'll be like incredible again. And maybe it won't be, but we won't know if you don't try. And the longer you go, it might go into the friend zone, right?

Starting point is 00:28:13 She's probably dying for you to kiss her. She's having you in her bedroom a few nights. You know, do you know what you want? Do you just want to be friends? I'm up for whatever you're up for. So yeah, I'm going to try that. I'm going to- Okay, do it.

Starting point is 00:28:26 Okay, Scott, call me back and let me know how it goes. You know I need to know follow-up, okay? We'll talk next week. Okay, perfect. Bye, Scott. So good to hear from you. I have a great night.

Starting point is 00:28:34 All right, guys, sometimes you just have to get over our fears, right? But that is a sort of delicate area before the friend zone when you are like, like, I think that we become in the friend zone because we've become a friend. But that's,

Starting point is 00:28:46 the point is also is anxiety here. God, we have so much anxiety, right? We create so many stories. And if we just kind of can move through that, we'll see that, It's never what we think. And anxiety is so the opposite of being in the present. But in the present moment, you know, Scott could be like, okay, I'm sitting here, I'm going to breathe.

Starting point is 00:29:03 I should have told Scott to breathe. Before all these things, when you take a deep breath and it helps for me to help my breath, like if my inhale count of three and exhale count of three, then you know you're actually doing a deep breath. It really helps. You do three of those and then you just, you are immediately present when you do things like that. And then you could say, hey, I keep thinking about kissing you. That's great. Let's see how it goes, Scott. This is from Anne 50 in South Carolina. I've been seeing a wonderful man for the last year. He's the best lover I've ever had.

Starting point is 00:29:35 He told me early on he has a foot fetish. I had no experience with someone like that, but I feel I'm willing to try. He says just letting him play with my feet is more than he's gotten to do and I don't need to do more. But I want to do more. This man has given me orgasms nibbling on my feet. I want to blow his mind. I need ideas. All right, Anne, I would ask him. I mean, listen, foot fetishes are really common. I love that he let you know that. There should be no shame in your fetish game. Ask him what's his ultimate foot fetish fantasy?

Starting point is 00:30:06 Because it's different for so many. Like maybe he likes your feet in shoes or he likes your feet running through the sand or he wants to massage them. If you had an orgasm with him nibbling your feet, I mean, imagine what could happen if you played with different sensations. I recommend getting a massage candle and then dripping the warm. oil all over your feet and then massaging it, play with different sensations, hot and cold. So he could use a vibrator on your feet. Remember, you guys, vibrators feel good everywhere.

Starting point is 00:30:36 Some men really like panty hose or stockings and he might want to like rip them off of you. He might want to see you in shoes. You might, you know, so I would just ask him and say, what's your ultimate foot fetish fantasies and go from there. But just remember, our feet have a lot of nerve endings on it. There's so many parts of our body that feel good when stimmer. with hot and cold sensations, with vibrators. So this sounds like you guys are going to have a lot of fun together, Ann, so just a healthy conversation and bring some fun play toys into the bedroom. Okay, this is from Andrew. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a question and I'm embarrassed about this. I really enjoy smelling my wife's panties and masturbating. She's completely weirded out by it, but it's so

Starting point is 00:31:16 erotic to me. Do I have an issue or am I good, L.O.L. You're totally good, Andrew. Listen, our partners often get weirded out by our fantasies, but it's typically because they don't understand them. So I would recommend just telling her, you know, you heard it here. It is normal. People have fantasies about a lot of different things. And if it's not impacting your relationship, there's not serious consequences, I think you could let her know that the scent of her turns you on, no matter where it is in her body. And that's such an intimate place. And it's very sort of forbidden or taboo. So maybe that could be a part of it. But, I feel like you're totally fine.

Starting point is 00:31:52 And I'm glad you were able to tell her. And maybe you could put some more words around it and explain to her what about it specifically is turning you on. All right. Andrew, thanks for your email. Okay, this is from Rosie 28th in Chicago. Dear Dr. Emily, I have the hardest time expressing my desires. I can talk about anything conversationally, but my own desires and fantasies are a mystery even to me. I've got a partner who's turned on by hearing me say what I want.

Starting point is 00:32:18 And in my almost 30 years of life, I was speechless. Background. I grew up in a conservative religious household, didn't have any sex education or positive reinforcement about sexual health. It was a classic don't talk about it mentality. I was also in a kind of sexually abusive relationship when I was younger. I say kind of because I don't really understand or acknowledge it until more recently and I'm still coming in terms with it.

Starting point is 00:32:40 I want to be able to communicate with my partner, but I don't even know if I know how to tap into my sexual fantasies. I feel like I'm not a super creative thinker. And I really struggle with porn because of some of the things I've been through. It feels like more of a trigger than something I'll enjoy. I get so frustrated because I don't know what to do to better understand myself and then communicate it. I don't want to just say something to say something. I want to mean it and make both of us feel more satisfied with our sex life together.

Starting point is 00:33:06 All right, Rosie, I'm really glad that you wrote in because this is super common that if you've been through a trauma, a sexual assault, rape, when you were younger, it doesn't just disappear. It is still going to be part of your psyche, of your arousal process. And until you go do some therapy around it and you're able to release it and make sense of it and heal it, it might be really hard for you to figure out who you are as a sexual being. And that's because when we go through an assault or trauma, what our body does, it can disassociate, which means that your body leaves your mind in the moment that the sexual assault is happening, but it doesn't always just connect. It doesn't just snap back into place after we've had an experience like that. So whether it was an assault or an abusive relationship,

Starting point is 00:34:06 these are all areas that you're going to need to go into therapy. And I say you get to go into therapy, not you need to. I mean, I think the opportunity to get to go and work on this stuff, If you're 28 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you to understand all this stuff. So I would take the pressure off yourself right now, but I would go see a sex therapist or a EMDR therapist, which is a trauma therapist. It's eye movement desensitization reprocessing. I believe the website's amdria.org, EMDRIA.org. So that's a big part of it's therapy. And then it's also, you know how I feel about masturbation and getting comfortable with your body, how I learned most of what turns.

Starting point is 00:34:45 me on is doing my own work, you know, reading erotica, watching porn, trying things out with a partner and reflecting on my past sex and what worked for me and what didn't. You know, a lot of us have these core erotic fantasies, these core erotic themes. It could just be one thing. It could be when I think about sex, I think about my partner making out with me, or I think about being spanked, or I think about dressing up sexy, or there's a secret lover who surprises me with gifts and words of affirmation. And it could just be a kernel of that fantasy. And then once you start to sort of play with it and think about it, maybe you bring it

Starting point is 00:35:23 into your masturbation routine and you start to work through different scenarios in your head. I would like to say you feel through different scenarios in your head when you're being sexual and then just let it evolve. Think of your erotic life as a story that is still to be written. And the truth is a story that doesn't have to have an ending. So it's not such a finite answer. It can change over your lifetime.

Starting point is 00:35:47 And you're not behind here. You're just starting. And there's so many people who never even think about their fantasies. They just decide that they don't want to have them or sex is wrong. And, you know, they stay stuck in the past. So I just recommend doing some work on yourself. But also, be honest with your partner. Listen, he doesn't know what you're going through.

Starting point is 00:36:10 And if you are with a partner who respects you and who loves you and who's invested in the relationship, he's going to understand that you need to take a beat to figure out what sex means to you. So this could mean that you guys get to explore some other things together. And maybe he could be part of your process, part of your healing. You're right where you need to be. And I think that what you're also describing here is a lot of us feel so much pressure when our partner says, what do you want? What feels good to you? I mean, this started my whole career. I never knew how to answer that either. And I thought something was wrong with me and that everybody else had really rich

Starting point is 00:36:49 fantasy lives. And I just had to figure out how to build that on my own. And it helped to be with a partner that was also supportive of that. So that's what I recommend for you, Rosie, my friend, and keep me posted. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X.

Starting point is 00:37:25 It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or part of play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind-blowing clitter vibes, Jeju is known for. Here's what I love.

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Sex With Emily - Why Your Fantasies Are Sexually Healthy

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