Sex With Emily - Why Your Voice is Your Secret Pleasure Tool

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

In this intimate episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, Dr. Emily teams up with Dr. Scott Lyons, a licensed holistic psychologist and body-based trauma expert, to explore how vocalizing pleasure can transform your intimate experiences. From a candid discussion about their couples massage experience in Vegas to practical advice on overcoming sexual silence, this episode reveals why making authentic sounds during sex creates deeper connection and more intense pleasure. We dive into the psychology behind sexual silence, examining how childhood conditioning, shame, and societal expectations keep us quiet when we should be expressing ourselves. Dr. Scott explains the nervous system science behind vocalization, including how making sounds stimulates the vagus nerve and helps regulate our bodies during intimate moments. We also tackle the difference between authentic pleasure sounds and performative moaning influenced by porn culture. This episode addresses common concerns like being too loud with roommates or kids in the house, offers practical exercises for gradually increasing your vocal expression, and explores how sound creates crucial feedback loops between partners. Whether you're naturally quiet or overly performative, you'll learn how to find your authentic voice of pleasure. Show Notes: 00:00:00 - The Vegas Massage Story: Learning from Authentic Sound 03:00:00 - Why We Stay Silent During Pleasure 06:41:00 - Men, Masturbation & the Culture of Quiet Sex 08:26:00 - Sound as Nervous System Regulation 11:07:00 - Authentic vs. Performative Vocalization 15:38:00 - The Sixth Limb: Your Voice as Extension of Your Body 18:06:00 - Shame, Control & Sexual Expression 23:10:00 - Practical Exercises: Touch for Pleasure Practice 28:14:00 - Sensory Play & Exploration 30:04:00 - Parents, Kids & Sexual Noise Concerns 33:08:00 - The 10% Challenge: Starting Small Join Dr. Emily and Dr. Scott as they share personal insights and professional expertise on breaking through sexual silence to unlock deeper pleasure and connection. This episode includes a live demonstration and practical homework to help you discover your authentic voice of pleasure. Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ  (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ Let’s get social:  Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X https://twitter.com/sexwithemily Facebook https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily   Let’s text: Sign up here https://sexwithemily.com/text 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pleasure is your birthright. And when it comes to best-in-class vibes, it's always Magic Wand. And lately, I've been obsessed with the Magic Wand Mini. It's compact, travel-friendly, and delivers that same signature deep vibration Magic Wand is known for, just in a smaller, sleeker package. Perfect for tossing in your weekender bag, sneaking into a carry-on, or stashing in your nightstand when you want power without the bulk.

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what's making a splash this summer for Magic Wand. Wanna meet your match? Head to sexwithemily.com slash magic wand and find your favorite. Cause I think it is a joint thing. And I found that when I'm making noise, my partners do respond to like, Want to meet your match? Head to sexwithemily.com slash magic wand and find your favorite. Cause I think it is a joint thing. And I found that when I'm making noise, my partners do respond to like,

they know they're doing it right. They're feeling good. Because again, making the noise is saying, this feels good. So then your partner's feeling like, okay, I'm on the right track. It's allowing me to breathe, to regulate, to actually allow more space for pleasure.

So it really is sort of this feedback loop. Have you ever held back a moan because you were afraid of being too loud? Or do you find yourself going silent when something feels amazing even when you're in bed? Or maybe you've wondered if vocalizing your pleasure might make you feel awkward or even performative. Well, in this episode, we're exploring the power of sound, not just when you're having sex,

but in touch, connection, and embodiment. Because the truth is, your voice can be one of the most powerful tools for pleasure, and most of us just aren't using it. Joining me today is Dr. Scott Lyons. He's a licensed holistic psychologist, a body-based trauma expert, and the author of Addicted to Drama.

He's helped over a million people worldwide break free from stress, trauma, and drama with his signature somatic approach. So today we're gonna talk about how vocalizing your pleasure helps your partner tune into your body, how it creates deeper feedback loops, and why letting yourself make noise is a form of release that can often be more honest than your words.

This episode is intimate, we share a lot, and packed with surprising insights on why staying quiet might be the thing that's holding you back. So if you ever feel shy or stifled or unsure about making noise and you're not really sure how to make the noise when something feels really good, this episode is for you.

So let's get into it. So Emily and I were in Vegas, we did the Grateful Dead concert and we needed a recovery day afterwards, to say the least. And we went and got a couples massage together cause we're cute like that. We are.

And I fell asleep in the massage only to be woken up by, oh, that feels good. Over and over again, but different variations of it. It did feel good though. I know and I'm so happy for you. And it was Canyon Ranch. They have a Canyon Ranch in Vegas, which I did not know. Yeah.

And we just walked up there, it's at the Palazzo, and they were like, pick any massage you want. Yeah. I got a deep tissue, we shared a room. Your idea to share a room. I loved it. My avoidant personality likes separate massages, but we did it together.

And I was. And I got anxious to leave you. Yeah, but when I felt, like listen, what I don't understand is if you're pushing and it feels good, I wanna let them know that you're in the right place and it did feel so good. But you are such a good vocalizer, I made no sound. You didn't make any sound.

I didn't make a sound. Also, because I mostly fall asleep in massage, but I had never been woken up by someone next to me getting a massage. What? Who has such gusto in their voice and and it felt really authentic like it wasn't yeah not at all I wasn't performatively moaning I was actually moaning and I was paying attention to your massage therapist who just would say like great that's great she like gay like you were giving her the feedback of how good it was quite ecstatically and loudly.

And she was really able to take it in and give and like reply to you and keep going. I feel like vocal recognition of something that feels good is such an important thing to do. I mean, okay, I didn't know that you like to nap during massage. So if I knew that I might've held back a little bit. No, but I don't want you to hold back.

Typically I'm like, oh, because also it's a release. Like a big part of everything, touch, pleasure, massage is like truly vocalizing. And like, it was all, it's all connected. Like I've had to train myself, like making noise, making sound, like you do even during sex. So many people don't make enough sound during sex because of shame, they feel they're gonna sound weird or they should just kind of not make a sound

and internally feel good. But I found that every time I feel, whether I'm eating a meal, like, mm, this chocolate's so good. Like, I feel it fully embodied, so I'm fully into the pleasure. But you, your sound is so embodied, and it's so delightful, and I kind of want to give people a sample

of your pleasure sound. Could I give you a foot massage and see how it goes? Okay, I just want you all to hear. This is real. I didn't have to do before I made up anything anymore. This is not, this is also a lot of pressure on me. I want to say it's a lot of pressure to make sure that you make sound.

Holy shit. I want it deep though. Now I'm frozen. No, I tell you, but you know how to do it deep. Okay, I got to do it deep. And the other thing about this is that when I'm connected to my body, you are deeply going into my footbed.

It's all reflexology, the bottom of my feet. Like I feel it's releasing stuff over all over my body. And I feel like when I'm focused on the sensation and making noise, I'm not in my head right now. I'm not thinking, oh, I wish she would go to the left. I'm like, oh, it's good. And then you know it feels good. It does feel nice.

Doesn't that feel good? That I know it feels good? Yeah, the feedback is really nice. And like, I feel like so many of us are suppressing our pleasure, but when you vocalize it, you are expressing pleasure, not suppressing it. Yeah, no, that's super true. Oh.

That was a crap. That was like a good adjustment. When you add the moans and like the deep pleasure, it's not only letting your partner know what feels good, but it's truly allowing you to express it, like your full body's on board. And that's all keys to moving orgasmic energy through your body.

It's all keys to deeper arousal. Were you always a vocalizer or did you have to like train? I think that early on I was making noise but it was performative noise. It's like, oh, oh, porn star, oh, that's what she wants. This is gonna be hot to you. But I think what I've found with my partners who are present and understand this

that they really want an authentic noise. They're not judging me on my noise unless I wake them up. But usually they're actively engaged and they're like, oh wow, like I see your pleasure Emily. I see that you are fully enjoying every moment whether they're like going down on me, having sex with me, touching me. Like it's funny, like even when my partner like touches and tape my neck or kisses me, I'm like, mmm.

Cause I just love it. I know. And I think that's such an important thing to talk about because I've found that this is a huge topic that comes up a lot. We were like, I don't know if she likes it or I don't know if he had an orgasm. Does he like it? Does he not? Because I think especially men and my theory is that a lot of men started having master started having orgasms when they were young in the bedrooms masturbating. Well, they can't have their mom walk in. They can't make a noise so they suppress the sound.

They're not like having wild explosive orgasms at a young age, and then men I think also might worry that what they're saying is gonna sound funny or weird or shameful. It's shameful to make a noise. Maybe there's even a notion that making noise is for women and men should just be hard and penetrating but making no noise.

But I can tell you, I've been with men who don't make any noise. And I feel completely disconnected. I'm like, is this good? Is this bad? Are you alive? Do you have a pulse? Like, what's happening?

I think like sex is going to represent probably a bigger issue of like, how much can they allow themselves to feel pleasure and vocalize in general? Like like you said like and to like soup or chocolate of like mmm that really tastes good Like are you alive enough in yourself to taste what you're eating? Yeah, and to like express that because expression is a part of experience It's not just like taking something is the The senses, right? Making a noise, actually tasting it, smelling it.

Like listening to the crunch or whatever it is and like feeling this. To me, like it brings me also the thing about, we know about sound is that it can, for a lot of people also during sex, maybe they're ashamed, they're not making the noise, but for so many people, they're anxious during sex, they simply are, they're in fight or flight.

They don't feel calm in their bodies. So by making noise, it can help regulate their nervous system as well, and therefore the more regulate the nervous system, the more they can actually feel. So it's like a feedback loop. Yeah, it stimulates the vagal nerve, which is associated with like the chilling out.

Yeah, doesn't it stimulate the vagus nerve, the vagal nerve when you do like. Focal. Yeah, vocal. And like it's a built in tool for soothing and for soothing our nervous system, like even humming, right? So it makes sense that during this kind of thing

that people could all, I think we could all stand to make a little bit more authentic noise during any kind of pleasurable thing, including massage. I actually love that we had that experience. I loved it too. I want to hear more noise from you.

Mmm. You know, but on the flip side. Or go harder, harder. Oh, God. All right. Deep. Ah. So good.

So good. So good. He's like rubbing the top of like middle of my feet. Little decompression action. So good. Yeah. I don't know, Em, you were louder in the massage. I feel a little, I feel a little like, I'm not doing good enough.

You think I'm tempering down? Well, you're not doing as good. Well, she was in my back. She was in all my pain points. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So I think it's also, yeah. I was gonna say on the flip side is when the sound,

I don't even know if it's performative. I mean, I told you once that I was with someone who sounded like a dolphin. Like, like, do you think that was real or performative dolphin? Real or performative dolphin? Did you just come back from Sea World or something? Yeah, they definitely engulfed and embodied a fucking sea lion

or something, a dolphin in them. And it was just like, distracting. It was distracting. I was like, is this real? But I get that the wrong kind of sound, but yeah. But I think that any sound is important. No, sound is important period. Sound is important. Sound is important.

And authentic sound is a missing piece in building your more erotic confidence in ourselves. Because I think we sometimes are like, does it feel, it gets us in our head. We're thinking about it. Am I really having pleasure? Am I not? So when your sound is a fully real authentic sound,

you have more confidence in your ability to be, I think it allows you to be more connected. You're like, I'm really feeling things right now. It's a practice. Well, sound has more sensation to it. It's like, right? It's vibration. It actually increases the amount that you're feeling

as you're expressing, which. Which is pretty awesome. What about your sound? My sound? I've never been a loud sounder, like a big vocalizer, but I have expanded my repertoire in years of sounding. OK. On purpose? Was it an intentional expanding of repertoire?

Yeah, I noticed I was silent. Like, but I think- Common. Yeah. Yeah. And I noticed, like, I don't really like dirty talk either. Like when I get distracted when someone's like, yeah, slap me around and call me pretty. And I'm like, wait, what? I thought we were-

Yeah. So like, in a more recent relationship, I was in, like, I really appreciated sound when it was authentic. And you could kind of tell when it wasn't. Yeah. You can totally tell when it's not. But we also like, it's a requirement. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right track?

It's a way to do more. It's a little feedback. Yeah, it's feedback. It's feedback, but I think it's not really conscious. And I do think that men are a little bit quieter. Sometimes the women not to generalize, but I think you can practice. You can go slow. 100%.

You can just say, ah, Mo, like just practice being like, mm, you have to be like meh like just practice being like mmm. Yeah. You have to be like me and like wake up the whole thing but you could practice. You don't have to wake up everyone after the most special. You can even practice a shower like what are your noises when it feels good. Like we're starting with food right? Yes. Just like a mmm like at a doesn't have to be at a restaurant but that's fun uh like starting at home with like something that tastes really good and just like what's the sound that goes with the enjoyment? Right, what does that sound like?

Yeah. Mmm, delicious, this is so good. Mm-hmm. There's a there's like a little sound practice I like which is like starting a sound in your mouth and then moving it around. So it's like mmm. It's like chewing the sound moving it around around your mouth, and just warming up the tissue to be more receptive to vibration. Starts to like increase the pleasure.

Wouldn't you tell me something about oral sex too and humming? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like making sound during oral sex increases the amount of sensation on someone's lid or dick or ass, whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. Also, it's a vibration. If you're humming into their ass or into their butt, or into their, sorry, into their penis,

or if that's another layer of it. That's a whole nother layer of sensation. It's kinda, it's really, if you don't know what to do, hum. Yeah, you just think of it like a trumpet. Mm. Boo boo boo boo boo. Playing trumpet. The penis, the shaft is like the.

Playing the shaft like a trumpet. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like, I think that this goes back to a lot of us have been taught to say silence, say good, sex is pretty, don't make sounds, don't make noises, just pound away and you just don't really know what's feeling good. You need that sound. You need, we all need a little bit of affirmation, a little bit of encouragement to keep going.

Yeah. And on the flip side of that again, it is like you see porn, which is so hyper like sound and performative that it's like, I don't know, it's a turn off. Have you been with somebody who's like, you're like, you got that straight from porn? Yeah, a hundred percent. Like some of the dirty talk, like,

and I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? Yeah. And like, and the sound is like, oh yeah, that's the stuff. I'm yeah, that's the stuff. I'm like, what's the stuff? I literally just touched your nipple. Yeah, exactly. Like, if you're enjoying it, great.

But it just feels like I've heard this before. Have you had been with someone who's like- Totally, a lot. Was it the words or the sound? It was everything, it was like, yeah, yeah, like, or even the guys who who just choke you right away and they're like, oh yeah, you want, making assumptions if that's what you want.

But what I've heard from a lot of guys who are with women, younger women, maybe millennial Gen Z, guy friends are like, yeah, it's so weird. All the sex they were having with these women felt very porn-like. There was no like, oh, baby, daddy, do it to me. It was that, and they were like, ah, baby, daddy, do it to me. Like, it was that, and they were like,

it just didn't feel, like, it took a minute, like, this doesn't feel like you, it's just like you're repeating a script here. Which, my heart goes out to these generations because where else did they learn about sex and porn? They're like, that's the script. Ah, ah, daddy, ah, ah, right? Yeah.

And obviously that's genuinely your noise, but I don't think that women have been given a lot of, or a man really, time to play around and be like, it's okay, it makes it really, because it's all about being outward. If you're thinking about a script when you're having sex, are you actually even embodied in feeling what you're feeling?

No. Or are you just like, cue the moaning, cue the moaning that I learned in porn. So I guess I just want to say that sound is also like, if you feel like you don't have a lot of pleasure, you're not in as many orgasms, you're not fully connected to your partner, maybe you ought to amp up the volume

of your genuine authentic sound. Pump up the jam. Pump up the jam. Pump up the jam. Pump up the jam. Think that's an important one. You know, now that we're singing, that's actually a good practice too, of like, you know, even singing along with some songs

on the radio or, you know, wherever you're listening to music and just starting to feel like that the sound is coming from your body. Yeah. Like from your mouth, from your chest, from your abdomen. And this is all connecting. You know, I had a teacher who once said like, our voice is our sixth limb, is like a limb. Like meaning that it's attached to us and coming, like a limb is something you can reach out and bring something back with, right?

In the same way that like, I mean, that sounds seductive like Emily. Yeah, let me check out your sixth limb. But there's like a disassociated voice that can easily happen where it's like, I can just say, ah, and like the sound is disconnected from my body versus like, if I'm making sound like from my body, like where it's connected

and expanding out at the same time, it's like, ah. That's it. It's like that ecstatic dance I did the other night. Like we saw our friend did this ecstatic dance practice, which sounds very like LA, but I'm telling you, you like actually like move, stomp your feet, and you make, it was like make ugly noise, make noise like no one's watching.

I mean, that is so cathartic. We have so been silenced for so long, just about making genuine, authentic noise. And that is exactly what you're saying. Like that is the thing that's going to allow us to feel truly present, alive, embodied, but it's a total practice because I can tell you that I can't call the, over the years, all the people have emailed me like my partner wants me to talk dirty.

I don't want to do it, which is adjacent to this or make a noise or make a moan. And I just think you have to like not overthink it. And it can start with babe, that feels good. It doesn't have to be like, you know, spank me harder. It could just be a iterative practice. But if you find that you're not saying anything during sex and it actually feels good, I'm like, I don't know how you don't.

Yeah. I mean, it's interesting. And I think you're missing out a little. Yeah, for sure. I think it's how you don't. Yeah. I mean, it's interesting. And I think you're missing out a little. Yeah, for sure. I think it's what you're bringing up too is like from the ecstatic dance is if you're not expressing yourself during pleasure, are you expressing yourself in other emotions?

Like, are you suppressing yourself as a global experience? Like, are you vocal when you're angry? Are you vocal when you're sad? Are you vocal when you're angry? Are you vocal when you're sad? Are you vocal when you're having like pleasure? Yes, and I think it's it's part of like a bigger picture here wellness one thing that brings up emotions Yeah, you do everything. Yeah, and you could learn to express Yeah, clearly in all these situations and I think there's something to say about vocalization and control.

Ooh, tell me. Well, I think a lot of us not just stay silent, but kind of contract as a means of staying in control to not fully lose yourself. Okay. Because when we lose ourself, we're letting go of something and that can feel scary or, you know, evoke some intense feelings. Yeah.

And when we are truly letting go, we're probably gonna be intense feelings. Yeah. And when we are truly letting go, we're probably gonna be making sound. Yeah. You know? Right, like when you get pain or get orgasm. Yeah. Like it's all sound based. Yeah. Yeah.

100%. Oh my God, I love this. But I think there's also a lot of shame around making noise. I think the shame comes from, I'm not supposed to be making noise. I'm afraid my partner's gonna judge me when I make this authentic noise. It's better to stay quiet. Maybe as a woman, it's like, oh, it's prettier if I don't make noise or for men, it feels

embarrassing to make noise. Where do you see the shame in this? I mean, shame as far as like how the nervous system works with shame is that it's a freeze in a nervous system works with shame is that it's a freeze in a nervous system. It's intended to be, let's say when we're kids, for example, you're my kid and you're running across the street in traffic and I'm like, Emily, stop that. The shame response about how it works in a nervous system is that you freeze so that you can consider your behavior

and take in what's being said to evaluate and change. Like that's the intention of change, like, excuse me, the intention of shame. Where it gets funky is where we don't help, like the parent doesn't help unfreeze the kid, right? After that, like stop. Yeah, it's like stop. Hey, my love, I needed you to stop

because it was dangerous out there. And that's the actual biological mechanism of shame in our body. And that's called healthy shame when it has that like repair structure to it. Unhealthy shame is when it becomes toxic. Like when it becomes basically, we believe that about ourselves, whatever it is,

like stop. And you start to believe in yourself that you're a bad girl, right? And we do that to ourselves, like our inner critic is constantly giving ourselves like, that inner critic man. Like, oh, my partner didn't get hard because I'm not attracted enough.

That inner critic is part of shame. And it's like and shame like I said is intended to have us freeze momentarily ideally so that we can evaluate but that freeze shows up and how we vocalize right if we're frozen in our body because we have a whole history of shame it shows up as a stiffness, but also a lack of expression. Can you walk me through what you see too in your patients or your life, maybe a lifelong,

starting from that shame of running across the street to how it shows up in the bathroom, maybe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm thinking about a patient from the other day whose stepdad made some comments about how she looked in her jeans. And for her, it was like so confusing about like why would a parent

and also like it made her freeze as I mentioned, but also like she was interpreted like just felt this gross feeling that was attached to it. About being sexy maybe in jeans. Yeah, and felt shameful about her body because someone she needed to be there for safety was actually objectifying her, right? Anyways, so how did that show up is years later, as an adult, refused to get things like manicures or pedicures or felt like her idea of them, they just felt like superfluous, like stupid, silly, a waste of money, getting like a nice haircut

or a facial was like waste of money. Like that's how she referred to it as. And what we were really able to identify is what she, the script was it's a waste, but really was I'm protecting myself from further shame and objectification. I'm protecting myself from further shame and objectification. Yeah, furthering myself from objectification

so I'm not gonna do things that make me feel pretty or sexual and draw attention to me. 100%. And so we see it, and it did affect her sex life. Yeah. Right? Is that like, she wasn't as expressive in her ability

to communicate her emotions. Yeah, because of this younger, it's all younger stuff. It's all these patterning that happened in our childhood that's not allowing us to show up in the bedroom. And that's why this important pivot right now of like sex is wellness is like these patterns that everyone talks about from childhood and trauma or whatever it is which we all have conditioning,

shit happened in our home, and now it's impacting our lives, and this purposes our sex lives. We have to learn to understand that it's not just if you do this tip, or you make more noise, or you communicate better, it's not gonna totally be solved if it's still living in your body, right?

Yeah, no, 100%. I was just thinking about like, so you've had a lot of people write in, you said, about like- Calling, writing. Calling, writing, texting, about like wanting their partner to be more vocal. Yeah. And what's like your go-to practices?

You said like helping like, like giving each other a massage. Yeah, just giving each other a massage. Or touching for my pleasure, then touching if your pleasure. So one night my partner just gives me a massage? Yeah, just giving each other a massage or touching for my pleasure, then touching if your pleasure. So one night my partner just gives me a massage. I love that. Or massages my arm or my neck. And my job is to tell my partner what feels good,

what doesn't. Like my practice is that actually vocalize and learn to be more dominant and more like expressive about what I like and don't like. Because I think the other problem is that for a lot of us, especially a lot of, I think it happens with men too, but a lot of us don't really know what we want because we haven't really gotten what we want

because men weren't ever told we wanted, so we just had to go along with things. And that's the reason why sex can become a little bit of boring and rote, because we're like, it doesn't really feel that great. So having all the attention on me for a night, the next night would be on my partner, I have this whole entire hour, say,

or half hour to be like, oh, that's good, that's not as good, oh, that feels really great, I like it when you kiss my neck, I like it when you slowly touch my arm, or whatever it is, and then I'm noticing too, like I'm doing a little body mapping, trying to feel like what actually feels good, I'm going to practice vocalizing that. So that would be another way to learn what genuinely feel good rather than

just doing the porn script. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That reminds me, I met a couple ones and they each had one day a week where they would just receive like receive pleasure. They get to say what it was they would just receive. Like receive, pleasure, they get to say what it was they wanted to receive. Yeah. And like a whole focus just on them like receiving. How nice is that? I know. Yeah. I used to do that. I have a massage table in my last relationship.

Like sometimes it was his turn, sometimes it was my turn. Just full massage using a massage candle, like rubbing things all over. It was amazing because I didn't have to think after this massage, now I gotta massage him. And that's the problem with sex too, is that I think that there's always this pressure, like it's really hard to let go and receive for a lot of us, because we're thinking,

well, do I like this? Do they like doing this? Do they wanna be here? Am I gonna orgasm? You know, right after this, I'm gonna have Do they like doing this? Do they want to be here? Am I going to organize? You know, and we, right after this, I'm going to have to give to them. What will I do to them? But if you're just like, this is about you.

I don't want you to have to do anything else. You have to get yourself a glass of water tonight. You just have to lay back and receive, and you have to tell me what feels good. And I can't wait to hear. I want to discover your body. I want to explore your Roger's zones. And all you have to do is tell me what feels good.

That's part of the same vocalization, expressing. Yeah. Yeah. You can express it, or you're like, God, it sounds like that feels really good. And like affirming, like, wow, that sounds like I really hit a good spot there. Yeah.

So you like the nip of your neck rub. You like the back. You like your lower left buttocks massage. Whatever it is that your partner's in the noticing, we're in the expressing, and then we're learning, and we're having pleasure. This is all about learning how to fully take in pleasure, having connection without the goal of orgasm

but the goal of exploration to learn all of these different spots in our bodies that are good, that feel good to us. Because I don't think many of us, I know we don't take the time to actually pay attention without all the fight or flight and worry in our bodies breathing. What do I actually want? What feels good to me? Because if you think about it, we are covered in nerve endings that feel wonderful when stimulated, but mostly we just stick to the same kind of spots. So if you just kind of explore everywhere, imagine the possibility.

Imagine the possibility. The wonderland of pleasure. I was thinking like also, like when I was massaging your feet, and this is a good example of like, because you're definitely a vocalizer and not in the dolphin kind of way. But I'm less so, and I was, I found myself actually mimicking or mirroring your sounds a little bit. When I was massaging your feet in the beginning, I was just soft about it.

But that's actually maybe a great practice too, of like, if there's one partner who's really getting to feel, it's like, how do you kind of match their sound and be like, like, you like enter into it? Yeah, because I think it is a joint thing. And I found that when I'm making noise, my partners do respond to like, they know they're doing it right. They're feeling good.

Because again, making the noise is saying, this feels good. So then your partner's feeling like, okay, I'm on the right track. It's allowing me to breathe, to regulate, to actually allow more space for pleasure. So it really is sort of this feedback loop. Let it through. But you know what's about like sensory play too? Like we talk a lot about sensory play is really trending.

Like you light a candle or use ice cubes or you like take like these little like nails, like fake nails and you rub it over your partner's body or use a little necklace and you blindfold them. And there's something about this unknown of what kind of stimulation is gonna come to you like temperature play, hot, cold, tickly. And I love just this play of exploring

like using a massage candle, using a little tiny little whip maybe, or a little flogger. These are all, like have these like by your bed to play with your partner and create new ways of pleasing. Do you like to be tied up? Yeah. Oh. Sometimes. Let's do an episode where we just tie you up.

I like it. I like to relinquish control during sex. Oh. I don't want to necessarily be in charge because I'm in charge of everything in my life. Seemingly in life. Oh. I have a lot of things going on and I like to be tied up or blindfolded at least or just led.

Yeah. Do you feel like you're more vocal when you're relinquishing control? Yes. Oh, interesting. Like the massage. The massage. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what those, they thought when we left Canyon Ranch, but. Well, I did get a text about your vocals. I'm just kidding. They're like, she can't ever come back here. Like I haven't got kicked out of my place here. But this actually brings up another point of like, and you kind of mentioned it before,

of like kids, you know, younger adults when they're masturbating, they have to be silent because they're in their family's house. But there's also like the issue of like roommates or if you're parents and you have kids, it's like how thin are the walls and do you care? Like I know parents all the time are like, what do we do? We have kids. Yeah. What do you recommend?

I recommend, you know, listen, I recommend that parent families have full on conversations like mommy and daddy have time together. This is what sex is. This is what you might hear. Like, I'm all for full 100% disclosure. Like we see in the Netherlands, like we see in- Really? Yeah. Like if you go to Amsterdam, you go to, where else in the Netherlands, like we see in... Really? Yeah, like if you go to Amsterdam, you go to, where else in the Netherlands? Like Sweden. Sweden. They, at a very young age, talk about sex,

that we need our alone time and we need this and that if you hear your parents having sex, think about it, that's part of the problem why sex becomes so challenging is because we've like, hide it. Yeah. You know, you hear those kids say all the time, like, my parents have only had sex twice,

just for the two of us. Well, what if we knew and celebrated, our parents are still prioritizing their connection? How beautiful is that? So then when I'm grown up, I'm still trying to figure out what it means, but if I grew up in an environment, because sex is so masked in shame

and religion and all these things, that parents are like, I don't wanna be the family on the street that's actually telling our kids about our sex happening, but who's gonna start? Because I'm telling you, it's way healthier than kids being like, ew, gross, dad, mom, I don't wanna hear about it, I don't wanna hear you.

And grand, you don't wanna be screaming. Like, I don't wanna be screaming, waking up my neighbors either, or my roommates or other massage therapists. So there's a certain discretion. But what I recommend to parents is find the times a day that are best when the kids are napping or when the kids are out or whatever. I know it's challenging.

Listen, it's challenging having toddlers, having kids and figuring out how to make time for sex. But one of these nights where you're just pleasing one partner and the other, it doesn't have to be as loud. It could just be more, you know, a time of learning to receive, a time of play because couples crave the play. they get so bored. Yeah. Do you recommend things like putting in a pillow?

Is that helpful or is that just more of the issue, right? You feel okay that a pillow is blocking your, because you're yelling into a pillow. Yeah, because I'm sounding yelling into a pillow? Yeah, because I'm like sounding, yelling into a pillow. Like if I'm at my parents' house, I actually, I had a partner who refused to have sex if we were staying with my parents. Okay.

And like, it was several floors difference, but like they were so concerned, you know, from their background stuff. This is what I'm saying, what if it wasn't a concern? And I was like, my parents know I have sex. Why is it when people have sex so, again, there's so much to undo from our society to make it okay

that you hear somebody else having sex. Yeah. But yeah, I understand that, take a dude in the shower, you know, get in the car when you're visiting your parents with your partner or parents. Turn on the radio. Turn it on. Put the radio against the door.

Right, the sound machine. The sound machine. I don't know. But yeah, this whole sound thing though. The ocean waves. But the thing about the sound too is I want to remember it's also for ourselves. It's also like I want to remind you that when you really genuinely feel that deep pleasure and you express it, you're helping to move the sexual energy through your body. You are cycling it. You are circulating the energy because it's a lot of sexual energies block and stuck. So just this practice of vocalizing could be such a game changer for so many people. Huge, it's kind of like if you've ever been with a partner and all of a sudden, like there's a little bit of tension or awkwardness and then you guys are laughing together

and it just breaks the ice. The ice being broken is about that movement inside you from the sound actually. Yeah. Right? I love it. Moving the sound. Here's what I want to leave people with. Next time you are touching yourself or a partner, try letting yourself make just 10% louder of a sound. 10% more sound than you usually do. It doesn't have to be big, it doesn't have to be performative, it is authentically your sound. Something that feels real.

And then I want people to notice, does this change your arousal? Does this change your present? Do you feel more connected? Because I don't need to go, people will go from zero to like screaming, so the neighbors kick you out of the building, but 10%.

10% is doable. Yeah. 10% is totally doable. Totally. And I think it's a good titrated amount to build yourself up to that ultimate sound. I love it. I mean, your voice is part of pleasure.

Use it. Yeah. Use it y'all. Use it. Use it or lose it. Let's go. Woo. Woo. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe,

and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com for free guides, articles, and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex, dating, or relationships?

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