Sex With Emily - WTF Is Doomsturbating (and Is It Bad for Me?)

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

Today’s episode is all about one of my favorite topics: masturbation. Specifically, we’re getting into “doomsturbating,” or masturbating in order to distract yourself when the world feels like just too much. But how much masturbating is too much? Like anything in life, there’s a limit—here’s how to know if you’ve reached yours.I’m also taking your calls and answering questions about breast sizes, how confidence and self-love can change your bedroom game, how to help your partner reach orgasm, and some super fun handjob tips and tricks. It’s one of the most underrated sex moves!For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about masturbation and the latest trend, doom stir-bating. Plus how to fit sex in with busy schedules, how to give a better hand job and best practices for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

All right, intentions with Emily. For each show, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, what do I mean by this? When you're listening, I want you to think about what you actually want to get out of listening to this episode and how you think it may help you. It could be, well, I've been concerned about my masturbation habits lately and I want to make sure it's still an empowering and satisfying practice. My intention was just to give you some ideas about how to make yourself love and even better, especially now that we've all been stuck at home. Of course, it's, you know, pretty much always a good time, but I want you to think about what you can do to make it more intentional, exploratory, and of course, pleasurable.

And stick around because it also takes your calls and do a quick rundown of questions I've received on Instagram. I love reading those and answering as many as I have time to get to on the show. So if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, you can message me on Instagram. It's at sexwithemily, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. As always include your name, your age, and how you've listened to the show. You can also get this call into my series XM show. It's Monday through Friday, 5pm to 7pm Pacific time, and you can just call me, even if you don't have serious. Triple 8, 94 stars, or triple 8, 947, 8277. You can also get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemlee.com slash SXM.

Alright, like I said, we're talking about masturbation today, but first, let's zoom out a little and look at the bigger picture. There's interesting things about this time because we've all had to significantly alter our lives pretty much, even if you're an essential worker and you've had to work every day, you know, maybe you're going home to a house where somebody has been home all day. And it's just the dynamic has changed for everyone. I know that there's some new habits

that I've built that I've followed that have been super helpful. Getting up earlier, being more focused with work because I've never leave and I just sit in Zoom for eight hours. But some things I've noticed that are kind of in bothering me lately. It's funny because I've talked to you about

this, you know, last year. And that is just scrolling, right, into the night. And I always say that the bedroom should be for sleeping and for sex. And that's it. Leave the technology out of the bedroom. I'm not the only one who says this. It helps with sleep.

And I was pretty good at that for a while. I left the phone outside the room, but I've noticed during quarantine, it's just there in the bedroom. And like an hour go by, and I'm on my phone, I'm scrolling, and then you're like, what did I just do the last hour?

I can't get that time back. I recently rectified that because I bought a new alarm clock that's across my room. And it charges the phone, but my phone is not next to me and my alarm is set so I have to get up in the morning and get my phone and that's just started like two nights ago.

But in talking to a lot of you I feel like there have been some habits that might have been developed over quarantine. I'm telling you this because there's a new term. And it's called doom stir baiting. So that's a combination of master baiting and doom scrolling at the same time. It really is pretty common right now. I think before the pandemic, my bedroom was sleeping in sex.

But now I find myself, I'm eating in bed, I'm taking calls and beds sometimes. We're multitasking. Maybe you've roommates, so all your Zoom calls are in your bedroom. And so essentially, when we talk about it, like multitasking, it's like reading emails and scrolling Instagram, right? You might be doing that. You're multitasking.

But what people are doing now, they're not just doom scrolling. They're now throwing in masturbation. They're like scrolling Instagram. They're texting just doom scrolling. They're now throwing in masturbation. They're like scrolling Instagram. They're texting their mom. They're whatever. And then they found their hand on the pants. I'm not masturbating and I'm talking to my boss. I don't know if anyone does that.

Maybe you do. The concern about this is, you know, I think it's, you know, me, huge fan of masturbation. Love that you're masturbating. but there's no start and stop. There's no end of the work day anymore. You know, it's all sort of runs, one day runs to next, one hour runs into the next. There's not a lot of boundaries. And so now, doom-stervating can happen. I just love the word doom-stervate.

I used to procrastinate and masturbate. That's me. And I still do that. It actually helps because, listen, orgasms are good for you. They release stress, they release anxiety. They also release it from your body. But then you get a spike of these feel-good hormones. You have to remember that masturbation is part of being a sexually healthy person. So I'm not knocking masturbation. But since technology is now part of our masturbation is part of being a sexually healthy person. So I'm not knocking masturbation. But since technology is now part of our masturbation practice, you just sort of let it bleed into each other. Like, I've already got my phone in my hand anyway.

The porn's there. If you're watching porn, it's already on your phone. But the other interesting thing about masturbating, and this kind of is that a lot of us do it to self-south, right? You know, when you're a kid, you're little, and you watch kids do this. They get stressed about something, and they put to self-south, right? You know, when you're a kid, you're little, and you watch kids do this, they get stressed about something and they put their hand in their pants, right?

It's always been soothing. But when we get older now, and things are maybe more challenging or we're stressed at work and we're right by our bed, our phones are already in our hand, we find ourselves soothing ourselves through we're doom scrolling, we just then we masturbate. The problem is we're also experiencing

a lot more mental challenge right now. Mental illness, people are experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time. And maybe when we're apathetic and we're not motivated, the problem with doom scrolling, doom stirbating, is that we start to associate masturbation with only stress relief. And that's it.

You know how we always talk about how our patterns link up to each other? Like you might be someone who, how they all do, I'm trying to think their own examples. Like you're with your partner and you know you can orgasm by yourself. But one time your partner might have said, I don't want you touching yourself. And then when you're in bed with them, you want to touch yourself with them there. And all you can think about is them shaming you. And now you can never orgasm with anybody again, because you associate those two things together. And then now sex becomes hard, right?

So if you're associating that scrolling and all that masturbation with your doom and gloom and stress, that could be a problem. And my challenge around that is just I just think that when we start to associate masturbation with like boredom or stress, that could be a problem. And my challenge around that is just I just think that when we start to associate masturbation with like boredom or stress or anxiety or worry, let me say there's the good parts about masturbation. I think why I love it.

I talk so much about masturbation is because it's about exploration. It's about learning your body. It's about pleasure. It's about figuring out like, what do I like? What makes me feel good? And that's like the foundation of becoming It's about figuring out, like, what do I like? What makes me feel good? And that's like the foundation of becoming a sexually healthy person.

Actually, it's the first step on the journey is, what do I like? What kind of touch feels good to me? And then doing it just for pleasure. If you do do the work in masturbation, understanding your body, then you'll be able to better guide a partner. So a lot of us are anxious to worry right now, so we might be doing a little bit of more masturbation. If you're wondering though, what does healthy masturbation look like?

First off, let me just say this. A lot of you email me about masturbation at least, send me messages or you call in. You're like, my partner's masturbating too much or, you know, how often is too often? We did a Q&A today on Instagram and answered some of those questions from you guys. It's like a lot of you want to know, am I doing too much and not enough or is it a problem? So there's a lot of misunderstanding around masturbation, a lot of strife, which I totally get, because let me tell you this. This doomster bait study also says,

women are less likely to masturbate. 30% of men and 38% of women say they were getting less solo sex in lockdown. It says it's 16% of people masturbate once a day. 25% masturbate once a week, 17% once a month, and men are more likely to master weight every day than women. I just want you to know that it's all fine

with masturbation pretty much. If you are masturbating, that's awesome. You might be like, well, what does it look like to be healthy? Is it wrong that I'm watching porn? None of that's wrong. Like watch porn, do your thing, but maybe if you could start to separate it

and say, I'm gonna masturbate in the shower or in the bathtub and I'm not gonna bring my phone with me. I'm gonna schedule my masturbation. I'm gonna look forward to it. I'm gonna make it more like a special event that I get to do once a day in this particular environment and you work it into your day, because right now, if you are not at grade at boundaries

and time management, this has been a disaster. It's been probably really hard for you during COVID. If I didn't learn these skills years ago, I would be doomed for bathing all day long, but I have a great team that keeps me on track. If I didn't have people in my life that I had to be placed, I would be in bed masturbating probably.

So you gotta set these things in place. So okay, I'm gonna take a bath, I'm gonna take a shower. You know, you could say like, I'm going to do other self soothing activities. If you've been just masturbating to self-south, but it hasn't been about exploration or joy or pleasure, you feel bad after it, right? You could do other things that soothe you. You know, other healthy coping strategies going for a walk.

Oh, God, I can't tell you how many times that saved me where I'm just in my head, not from, not from doomster bathing, but just from life, from constantly obsessing about things. And then I'm like, this morning, there was something happening. I was like, Oh, I got to work. I got to do this. And like, just go for a walk, get outside. And I forced myself to go outside. And I know that always feels better. Just for 20 minutes, you could journal, you could meditate. I'm telling you, working out always does it, whether it's just like doing some sit-ups in your house, you immediately change your state, and you get out of whatever loop you're in,

and you learn to kinda go in another direction. And that's all it is, like redirecting that urge. I go, I'm on Instagram, I'm texting, and I'm like, it might as well masturbate. And just tap scrolling, I guess. The other thing about masturbation is mutual masturbation is awesome with a partner as well. That's just something else you might want to do this weekend.

Try something different. See, okay, I just opened up my masturbating two times a day, minimum, and a day is that an addiction, minus 30s, is it wrong? And my partner masturbate has watched us pour and blah, blah, blah. You're all fine, two times a day. If you're getting to work and you're seeing your friends and you have a life and you're masturbating twice a day,

I don't have a problem with that. It's when it's making you feel worse. If there are consequences to masturbating a lot, you know, if it's impacting your ability to be sexual with a partner, that's when we see problems with masturbation. All right, everyone, I'm gonna take a quick break and we come back. It's all about you.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Esther 20, Arizona. What's going on, Esther? How can I help? Hi. So bring your own investor in a relationship in a relationship with the 58 year old. And I mean, he doesn't always like to try the things that I want to try. Maybe like, you know, and all that. I mean, let me just, okay, so he's 58 and you're 20. So how long have

you guys been dating? A couple months, maybe like, six. Okay. Got it. All 20. So how long have you guys been dating? A couple months, maybe like six. A couple months, six? Okay. Got it. All right. So tell me about this relationship. So what is it?

Is it just sort of fun? Like, where do you think it's going? I mean, maybe marriage and then living together, I'm living with test. Then maybe when I get older, I want to get married, you have a kid, but he doesn't want to, and I can of do. Yeah, okay, but it's only been six months.

It's a little ffff, you know? Because here's the thing, Esther, I can tell you this. There's already problems you're having sexually in the first six months. They don't get better. Have you been with other people before? No, it's my first relationship. Okay. Esther, what about your family and friends?

Do you have people like in your community right now? I mean, my family doesn't like to make mistakes. I mean, because 38 years old is me. Right. I mean, my parents broke up like I never talked to them or anything. Because of the guy. Can I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean? Yes. Yeah. I'm even put me to court because he wanted custody to keep me awake. And I thought that wasn't right. But I kind of want to have a kid, and he doesn't because he's old, and I mean, he's thinking there will be problems with the kid.

Do you think there'll be problems with the baby if you? That's your first relationship. And so I'm wondering what it is about this guy. I don't want to be your mom, but I'm just saying, like you have so much to live. Like there's so many people out there for you. And no matter what, after the first six months to a year, things get real.

And they start to really talk about things. And the sex, it's not as exciting as it was at the beginning. And we got to work on it and stuff like that. And then a lot of people who are married were really young. And then they're like, call me when they're 30. And they're like, oh my god, I wish I didn't marry my first love. I wish I, you know, took some time for myself. And these are like not just anecdotal. This is like the, you know, I guess I feel like I would love you to give it some space in time. It's your first love. Like I'm just telling you from my research, you're 20 years old, you feel like this guy's older, maybe he feels nurturing to you, maybe a father figure. Does he pay for things? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good part of it. Yeah, I feel like I'm loving that. I don't

want to break it off. You know, it's your first relationship. And so it's practice, right? It's practice and really you learn how to compromise and how to have arguments and how to have conflict and how to resolve them. That's a process in itself that you actually learn by dating and you learn who you like and who you're into and who you're not into. Like in your 20s, I think is a wonderful time to explore who you are, Esther, and what you like and who you're into and who you're not into. Like in your 20s, I think is a wonderful time to explore who you are, Esther, and what you like.

It's hard to kind of know what you want in the first relationship, but this doesn't work that way. It's like watching one movie and saying, like, I only wanna watch horror films, but it's like, I really like this horror film, but it's the only movies you see, and it's like love and dating and relationships.

It's time to figure out what you actually like because the first love feels great. We all love our first love but we typically don't marry them. Yeah. So do you recommend breaking it off? I recommend that you slow it down and yeah, I mean, I don't see this being your future husband. I just don't. I don't see it. Listen, studies have shown to the couples, typically if there's a 10-year age gap or fewer, they're more likely to stay together. But if it's anywhere over 10 years, 15 years,

so I mean, 38 years, you know, there's gonna be a lot just statistically speaking for you. I hear you in your voice. Do I think you should break it off? Yeah, I mean, honestly, if I take bets on this, I would say, yeah, not gonna work. And I want you to appreciate it for what it is, but take some time to get to know who you are.

Now that you feel love, as we're calling love, or you feel this attraction, there are so many people out there for you. Your whole life ahead of you. You'll meet people wherever you go. Do you suggest going out and trying to meet people? It's a good question. What do you do for fun, Esther?

I guess, I mean, the person I am with now kind of got me into mountain biking. Okay. So maybe you could join a mountain biking group near you and they have all those meet-ups and you could ride bikes with people and Saturdays and start to make friends in your community. And that's I think how you meet people. You start developing things like, who are you at 20?

What do you like? Who are the people you're attracted to as friends, right? And there's just some inner work to do too. You're not speaking to your family. That sounds really rough. You know, I think it's really important to build our community and to learn to connect with people in a healthy way and learn to love ourselves.

We have to really love where we're at in our lives. I think that's part of the process. What's the rush, Esther? What's the rush to get Mary never kid right now at 20? I mean, does he for it? Is he pushing this on you? Is he saying, let's get Mary? Let's move in, let's do it.

So this is you. He's not pushing it. He's giving me, like, if I want to be with him, I can. I know my mom didn't teach me anything about sex. And now I'm in a relationship that's a little different. Yes, Esther. Yes, that's the first thing would be my love, like my first kiss with a person,

and first time having sex, but it seems to change. I know what you're saying, and I feel that you didn't have a lot of information, and I gotta be honest, a lot of us don't have information about sex, we have to learn it. It's such a good time to learn it, 20. But I'm telling you that that notion that the first person I'm gonna kiss and fall in love with is just,

that doesn't, it's kind of like a fairy tale. Not, not we're ratting our life down is just that doesn't it's kind of like a fairy tale. Not we're at in our life now. But I understand that's kind of like, finance Santa Claus doesn't exist, right? You're like, oh bummer. Are you living away from your home now? Do you have an apartment? Do you live with friends? Yeah, you just got a house and then you might move in with me at least to get me more stable. All right, I don't know if I'd have a move in you bought a house. Do you have enough money to buy a house? Yeah, I just bought one. That's amazing you already able to buy a house.

Okay, well Esther, I think you got to just be careful and take care of yourself and move into the house, try to do it alone and try to make some friends and try to nurture new relationships. I want you to recommend breaking it off. You just say, this has been an incredible connection. I've learned so much here, my first love love and I have some learning and living to do That's how you break up with honesty compassion and person you don't want to send a text

So yeah, that's true. We got you. Okay, let's talk to you on t43 in Arkansas Hey, I'm so glad you got the got me on real quick. Been married for a long time. And my spouse just never really is interested in trying to, you know, climax. I don't know that it's, I mean, she'll like get excited. She'll get into it, but it's like, oh, I've just got to stop before we get there. Like, can she. And she ever had an orgasm before? I'm not exactly sure. Oh, OK. I don't think so.

So it's not like she was having them and now she's stopping herself. We don't even know if she's had one. Right, and that's the thing. I don't know that she ever has. OK. Well, then that's the thing. So she doesn't know what it feels like to have one.

She's probably feeling pressure. I would have a real honest conversation with her to you about your sex life outside the bedroom when you're hanging out, whenever you have conversations and you want to keep it curious and you want to keep it light and supportive and just say, you know, I want to talk about our intimate life. I think it would be really hot to see you,

you know, having orgasm into really turn you on. I want to make sure I'm doing everything to get you there. Can you tell me what really arouses you, what turns you on? You know, and she might say, I'm not talking about this, it's been 20 years, why are you asking me now? You know, and you're like, well, because it's important, we have to be intimate, you know, intimacy is important.

And then you could say, like, I'd love to make you orgasm, and then you can ask her if she's had an orgasm, and you just keep very curious and non-judgmental, and see what she says. You know, I mean, a lot of women have never had one, because they assume they're going to have it through penetration, but most women don't have it through a penis, they have it through masturbation, or through oral sex, or through fingers, or a toy. Yeah, well, and she's really opened up more for the oral. You know, then even in the past.

And so, I mean, she's good with that. And even of late, and the last of late last year, is she'll say, hey, do this or do that. That really feels good. So, it's like there has been some progress, but it's just, I just avoid, and we've always had a good relation, but it's always kind of strange to me.

I'm like, man, why do you not really want to try to get there? You know? Well, maybe she's never had one and she feels, like all of a sudden, maybe she feels like she's about to and she stops at something that women do sometimes. We like, oh, block ourselves. So maybe you could say, I'll do whatever you want. Like, I want to see you, or like, let's get you there.

Like, I think it would be really hot, because maybe she's like someone would feel like they have to pee and then they get embarrassed, and it's like, because you're stimulating the same area. So you just got to maybe calm her nerves and tell her you think it'd be fun to kind of get there together. Like kind of relax her nerves around it, because if she's stopping, there must be a reason.

And I'm not sure what it is. Yeah. Well, and I could be, I mean, it really could be just the fear of the unknowns somewhat. Yes. And it's a losing control. You lose control when you have an orgasm. You kind of let go and you're like, oh my God, maybe she's afraid of that. Maybe she's a orgasm once and...

Probably go truth to that. Yeah. I think that's probably real truth to that. Well, that's very interesting. I appreciate the advice and hopefully maybe I can have that conversation at a time. Yeah. Let's talk to Rachel 39 in Maine. Hi, Rachel.

Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing? What's going on? I'm pretty good. So my husband, I've been married for 15 years, and we have been throwing out the idea of swinging, and I just kind of wanted to your opinion on it. He's really into me being with another man, and it super turns him on to see me get the pleasure from someone else, and we have not done this yet.

We just talk about it a little bit. OK. How do you feel about it? And it turns me on to think about it too, like, definitely. But I'm super scared that we try it and it might mess up our marriage. Because we're like in a really good place right now. Yeah, yeah, that is the concern, you know? And so, you know, what I'd recommend, I mean, it sounds like you guys have both talked

about it. I mean, what is your thoughts? Like, how do you think it could mess it up? What happens in its messed up? What would that scenario look like? I don't know, if it brings out insecurities or like he says, he's okay with it, but what if he gets like insanely jealous? And I don't know.

I don't really know what to be honest with you. I could like not in that situation yet. Well, that's all legit. Yeah, no, no, you're absolutely right. Or what if, you know, does he have concerns about it? No, not at all. We've been talking about this for years. And like for the longest time I felt like

when I was younger and more mature, I always thought it was like, I felt like I wasn't good enough, but the more we've talked about it, I've realized and come to know that he's okay with me, and he just wants me to be more pleasureed. he wants to see that and it really excites him. That's the element that really gets him going. That brings a lot of respect for me and wow, that's pretty awesome.

It would be fun to try, I think. But I would just see, yeah, I don't want to ruin anything. No, I understand. And you're right, that is sometimes the challenge that we think, what if someone gets jealous? And so what I recommend is that have you guys ever like, have you ever been having sex and kind of like roleplayed the scenario and been like, okay, so right now has he ever been like, I'm picturing this guy and he's going down on you. Very often.

Oh, okay, so you've done the, okay, that's my first step. And then, no, really, that's what I recommend. Yeah, you've been together a long time. And now what I love is too, that you realize now, like, a lot of us when we're younger, we're like, oh, if my partner wants someone else in the room, it means that they don't love me anymore. You can be with someone else and still love your partner.

It's just, we all crave variety. We want something a little bit different. So, you know, Rachel, I would say if you guys went, if you found someone, you know, they're still important to have rules. It's still important to like set, you know, have boundaries and to have like a safe word. Like let's say he starts getting anxious about it

or something happens in the moment, like have a safe word. Have a, We've actually talked about all that as well. We've planned it, and we've actually set up dates, but we've had, it hasn't fallen there yet. I could just happen to happen yet. No.

But you feel like it's a healthy, like, okay thing for certain marriages. Yeah. Not an unhealthy, like, not a good place to be test-efficient. I don't, actually. Now, let me tell you this, it is not for our relationship.

Like if you called me Rachel and you're like, you know, things have been really kind of boring lately. So we thought like we don't really want, we thought we'd have a threesome and then spice it up. Or you know, like that, like hell no. But what you've kind of trekking all my boxes here and that's have you talked about it, have you role played or had,

have you discussed safe words, have you discussed what's off Have you role played or not? Have you discussed safe words? Have you discussed what's off-lib? Oh, the other thing I want to ask you, have you discussed what the sex will look like? Like, what is off-lib? It's what's on, like, some couples say they can't be kissing or it has to be, okay. So you've had some, like, seriously deep conversations

for years about this. So it's not like we just started talking about it and we're gonna jump into it, you know? All right, well then, it's really gone through all that, yes. Okay we're going to jump into it. You know? All right. Well, then it feels like you've gone through all that. Okay. Well, then no, then I am not that doctor on the air.

No, that's terrible. I'm not that person. I've been doing this a long time. I've seen it work for couples who have great communication and want it for the reasons that you're expressing is that you think it'd be hot and you think it's going to be hot. It's going to be a sexy new experience. I'm right. And a lot of couples do it and they find that bed and that becomes something really

hot to talk about when they're having sex. Like, remember that time, it becomes part of your fantasy. Yeah. And so, yeah, this feels pretty good to me. I got to say, and I would tell you. Okay. All right. Cool.

All right, thank you. Keep talking. Okay, Rachel, things were called. I appreciate it. More tips and tricks to throw in the mix right after this. So we got a ton of questions. We've got our Instagram and look at our stories. We answered a lot of them today, but there were so many I couldn't get to all of them.

Okay, here's one. Is literal juice about our cervical orgas orgasm same or which is stronger? There's a lot of, see I can kind of sum up, but a lot of questions in here about, did I have an orgasm? Do I not? Like for vulva owners, for women, they're like, oh, it was a literal one. Was it gspot? I know we label them, right?

But a literal orgasm was with majority of women experience through masturbation or penetration. And that's the external part of your vagina. The clitoris is there. It's that little magic spot that has 8,000 nerve endings. And it also extends internally. So sometimes the G spot, which I like to call the G area, but I don't even really want to call it an area,

or G anything because it was named by this guy, Graffenberg, and he did not have a G spot. It's named after him, which is just bizarre. But it's like an area and I believe that area is like internal, literal nerves. So it's not, and for every woman it's different. So I can't tell you which one's stronger because the problem is the G spot got a lot of recognition like 20, 30 years ago. And so what happened was everyone was like,

oh, that's the better orgasm. The literal orgasm is just, that's just everyone can have that or whatever, but they're all linked into each other. So just focus on the orgasms you're having and continue to explore your body. Once you have a literal orgasm, it can be easier to have a more internal orgasm so then you could use your fingers or a toy or a penis or

whatever you want to eat, not whatever, but an approved item to go inside of you takes floor and experiment because once you have an external orgasm, the blood starts to flow and circulate inside and it can be helpful that way to experiment. Best hand position for giving a blowjob. My boyfriend likes when I use my hands too.

All right, so I love this question because I think that there's been so much oral sex stuff on penis is about like, oh, you got to like deep drunk or really choke. I hate that. So I was like, ah. Your hand is such a great tool. You've got your hand, you've got your mouth. So the best hand position is,

there isn't one. Every person has a penis, want something different, but I can tell you, it is about your grip. It's about like having a tight enough grip around it and making sure that you have lube, and that it's lubricated, your hands aren't like really dry because no one really wants to dry a hand job.

And you could start by just putting it on the base of the penis. And this is how I can't, I'm going to show you visually, but you want your grip to be like this. I remember it's like, so it's like, if you think about your hand going on your arm, if my hand is gripping my arm, you don't want it like your skin to be turning white, like you don't want to re-gripping it, and you don't want it to loose, you want to like,

chest enough grips so you can move up and down and use some move on it, like I said, but you could use one hand and then you could put your hand at the base, and then you could start to twist your hand in different directions, you could start to move your hand up and down. So while you're going down on him, you could start to move your hand up and down to kind of follow your mouth. You could use two hands circling in different directions or in the same direction. But I would start with one hand at the base and your mouth going using your mouth and then seeing how your partner acts, asking if they want something else. So there isn't a best-hand position because some people don't really want much of a hand.

They might just want, you know, a little bit of grip around the base. Like maybe your hands are like over their balls and then you're gripping at the base. Some want it like a lot of hands, experiment. That's what I gotta say about that. Everyone wants something different. All right, here's one. If my partner has not been intimate with me in 16 months, help.

Well, that's a long time to be with somebody and not be having any intimacy. All I can tell you to do is to have a conversation with your partner and say, babe, it's been 16 months. I really miss our intimacy. I miss being with you. I miss our touching. It's such an important part of our relationship. What do you think it that's about?

You could start getting curious and be calm because I'm sure you're very hurt, maybe, infrastrated and scared. It's scary when our partner doesn't desire as our isn't making the moves anymore and we're not. Because otherwise, you really are like roommates. If you're living together, but that's what delindiates you being friends and being lovers is there's intimacy. So for 16 months, no intimacy, it starts with a conversation.

That's what you do. You say help, you have a conversation and you figure out what it's about and then you keep talking. And to me, that's signals a huge problem. Like, you should be having sex much more frequently than that. So, I wouldn't wait 16 months, don't wait another day. Have the conversation tonight. Remember, if you're hearing something right now,

you're like, that's a great idea. I should do that one day. Why not do it right now? You don't have to prepare, you don't have to do by anything, I'm just telling you all to have conversations. Even the blowjob thing. Yeah, you could use your hands tonight when you go down in your partner,

but then you could also do the next step, be like, does that feel good? You could be like, what feels better? But one hand, two heads. You could like find out, but it's all about communication. Okay, so another one. Will I ever be able to orgasm vaginally

if I've never done it before? Yes, everything's possible. I mean, I don't know that you will be able to with a penis just to clarify that, that this whole notion that sex is about penis goes into vagina and it's penetrative and that's how you're gonna have a vaginal orgasm with a penis, I can't guarantee that.

Only 20 to 30% of women will have an orgasm. But I can guarantee that if you spend some time exploring with your fingers or your partner's fingers or a toy, I think the odds are good that you're going to experience an orgasm from the inside internally. I feel good about it. But it's about committing, committing to learning. Here's the thing, I think we are speaking to give up so quickly. We're like, I tried having an orgasm internally, it didn't work and I'll never happen.

It's like, did you try more than once? Did you try for a month? Did you try every day for a month? And then tell me that, you know, for 10 minutes a day, did you try and then tell me you did it didn't work. But you don't try twice. Nothing that you want to achieve or that you want to be good at or that's important to you is going to happen

by trying to want. So there's no like beginners lock. Now with masturbation. How is for busy, busy couples? How do we work sex into our weekly routine? Love this question because that takes effort as well. We think, oh, we used to have time for sex before the kids and before whatever work and COVID, it's scheduled.

Your weekly routine, you talk to your partner, you say, I think Saturday mornings are the best time for us to have sex. And it's a non-negotiable, we're gonna do it in Saturday mornings. If you're really busy with work in the morning, set your alarm half hour earlier, and you're gonna have sex in the morning.

But busy couples, if you don't make time for it, it just will never happen. It'll be another thing and you're like, I'll get back to it when I'm less busy. But if you're busy now, I don't know anyone who's really busy and then it's never busy. I've been busy my entire life.

I think I'll always be busy. It's a personality type. I love working. I love doing my job, I'm busy. It's like couples, you're not gonna know of something and be like, oh, and then the longer it goes without being intimate with your partner or yourself,

the harder it gets to be sexual again. Because you're like, oh, it's a whole thing, and I gotta do it, I haven't done it. I didn't do it yesterday, or the day before, or the last six months, I forgot. It does, is it really good? I don't need it. I don't need orgasms.

I don't need to be connected. You forget, and then you do it. You're like, oh, orgasm's amazing. It feels so good. I don't need orgasms. I don't need to be connected. You forget. And then you do it. You're like, oh, orgasms amazing. Feel so good. I love connection. So get on top of it now if you're not having sex with your partner. Figure out why. Work out a plan to keep having sex if you still want to have sex with this person.

That's another question. How can you tell your partner to meet your needs sexually without hurting their feelings? Timing tone and turf. This is what you can all do this weekend. The time, make sure the time's right. You're both in a good place. You're hanging out, you're chilling, you can probably do that this weekend. Your tone is casual and and the turf is not in the bedroom, not after you had sex. Not after he did something that disappointed you. You say, you know what? I realized that so I would love to talk about our sex life. We haven't had a conversation about it. And I'd love to talk about some things you'd like to try.

Here's some things I'd like to try. And I really like oral sex. I'm gonna guess here that maybe you're not, you know, meeting that your needs oral sex. You could say, I really enjoy oral sex. When you go down on me, it feels so good. That's actually an important need for me. It makes me feel loved, it makes me feel connected. It's actually the only way

I can orgasm. And I'd love you to know how I could be pleased the best. And then I'd like to know how you could be pleased. What do you need to be pleased, babe? Because I want to be great lovers. I want both to really fulfill each other's desires. That's how you can do it without hurting their feelings. All right, I gotta go, but don't worry, I'll be back soon with more Sex with Emily. You guys, there's so much more to talk about, so don't miss my next episode. Subscribe to Sex with Emily right now. Please like, review, and share this podcast with the ones you love. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. Find us at all social media.

It is at Sex with Emily.