Sex With Emily - You Keep Dating the Same Person Over and Over

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

EPISODE SUMMARY In this episode, Emily sits down with Amy Chan—founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp and author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart—to explore why we keep choosing the wrong partners and how to break the cycle. Amy shares her revolutionary 12-person dating experiment that forces clients to date outside their type, revealing how our "type" isn't about physical traits but the emotional patterns we unconsciously repeat. From spotting unavailable partners to understanding the difference between passionate love and companionate love, this conversation reframes dating as a discovery process rather than a high-stakes audition. Amy breaks down why great daters often struggle in relationships, how to recognize your recurring emotional patterns, and why your best friend you want to make out with might be the person you've been overlooking all along. In this episode, you'll learn: • Your "type" is an emotional pattern, not a physical one—by identifying the five main emotions from your last three relationships, you can spot the cycle you keep repeating (like anxiety from chasing unavailable partners) and consciously choose different experiences • The dating experiment that rewires your brain—dating 12 people outside your type without getting into a relationship removes the pressure of finding "the one" and trains you to be present, recognize how you actually feel with someone, and notice who genuinely treats you well • Why passionate love fades and what replaces it—the neurochemical high of early romance naturally transitions to companionate love, and understanding this shift helps you stop mistaking familiarity for incompatibility and start building the deeper intimacy that sustains long-term relationships • The dating funnel approach—treating early dates like lead generation (just asking "Am I having fun? Do I want to see them again?") instead of evaluating someone as your future life partner eliminates job-interview energy and lets authentic connection emerge naturally • Stop performing, start choosing—moving from "waiting to be chosen" to actively selecting partners based on how they make you feel (not just how they look on paper) puts you in control of your romantic life and attracts people who appreciate your authentic self More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply). • Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. This episode is sponsored by…  Bellesa EVERYONE who signs up wins a FREE toy or gift card! https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/emilymorse-podcast" Bathmate- https://bathmatedirect.com/sexwithemily/v4/podcast Timestamps:

If you're constantly exposed to people who make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, who are criticizing you, you're not building the necessary neural pathways for trust and healthy connection. So it's going to be nearly impossible for you suddenly to be at the bar and be like, okay, like I'm going to trust you. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In today's episode, you're going to hear from a powerful woman changing the game and how we do relationships. From breakups to proper dating and long-lasting love, Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Boot Camp and the author of Breakup Boot Camp,

the science of rewiring your heart. And she's just an overall fun human. I love Talk Noor. And as you'll hear in today's podcast, we get into how to measure your chemistry compass, why it's important to date that short person, even if they aren't your type. And my personal favorite, how to spot the green flags in relationship. and check out my new articles, how to come on the face, you guys are loving that one, and seven solo sex positions. Those are all up on sex Emily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, full of erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool

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Today I'm joined by a relationship expert who's been called the scientific Carrie Bradshaw. Amy Chan is the founder of Renew Breakup Boot Camp and author of Breakup Boot Camp, The Science of Rearing Your Heart. Come on, where was this book when I was going through all my alpha breakups? I want to know. wish I had it. This is a very different kind of relationship book. It not only helps you face breakups of any kind, but also uses your own patterns to help you truly rewire your brain for happiness. She's just one of those authentic people who uses her own heartache to empower others and

helps us all get through it. And then come out on the other side with genuine happiness. Plus, it's all backed by science. She also has a dating boot camp, which she'll get into, and I just can't wait to talk to her. Amy Chan, you are talking about this dating boot camp, which makes so much sense. Some of one of us are just not great daters. Yeah, so a lot of people come to me saying, I'm ready for a relationship. I want to start a family. And then when I look at their actions, it's completely the opposite. And I have my clients do a dating experiment where they have to date 12 different people, but they're not allowed to get into a relationship with any of them. And so during this time they have to date people totally outside their type because if I tell someone like

just date outside your type they're like okay whatever but if I actually have them do this experiment and then learn from each one they start to get exposed to people who treat them well and then they're like oh I thought I wanted this right I have a client she is an entrepreneur and she's like I can only date entrepreneurs because I'm an entrepreneur and she did the dating experiment and along the way she met a guy who had a nice to five job. And, you know, he's going to have a pension in a couple of years and totally not her type. And she was freaking out about it. And I was like, you're in the experiment. Just keep going. And she's been with him for three years now. Totally outside her type, exactly what she needed,

but not what she thought she wanted. Okay. So how do we know then? How do you get people to realize what their type is to recognize it and then go the other way? I have them look at the last three relationships, and it might even just be a situation ship, right? Three last romantic connections, and then write down the five main emotions that came up for each one. And then you go and you circle what were the emotions that are continuing. And there's usually a thread because it's the emotional experience that repeats. The package might look different. So a lot of people are like, I don't have a type.

This person was this tall. This person did this job. but oh I felt anxiety because I was chasing them and that's a common thread through all of them wow so what are some of those common types that come up I have a lot of women that complain that they're unavailable they're all peter pans there are men children no one wants to commit and then we dial it back like one of my clients who was like you know like I get ghosted and like the guys in L.A. they're just all like this and then I'm like okay what's your what's your height requirement in your dating app they're like six two and i'm like okay so you're ready

to settle down as long as he's six to you with a chiseled jawline and blue eyes and then i'm like okay so part of your experiment is you need to date someone shorter than you and she literally fell off her chair she's like amy please no i can't they're like no anything with that then what happens and then they do it and then they might not be like oh my god i'm in love with this person but again because with the experiment you're not supposed to get into relationship with them. So it takes a pressure off of, I need to meet my soulmate. And they just are able to be present, right? Like there's no pressure here. And what eventually happens is most of the time my clients don't make it through because around the eight person mark, they end up with someone.

And they're like, I am with someone. I would have never given a chance to. And I love that you take the pressure off them because when we are dating, many people go into dates thinking, like, is this the one? Like I can imagine us having children or we're analyzing. And it's like to take that off and to say, no, when you're actually, you're just going to be present, you're going to see how you feel with them. Do you actually like this person? Really, it takes the pressure off to just kind of really be present and really pay attention to who you are or what you like.

I look at dating through a dating funnel, right? My background is marketing. And top funnel is lead generation. It's just prospecting. And then the next stage is discovery, dates one to two. And your strategy for that stage is going to be very different than like the boss. bottom of the funnel. And I say this controversial thing where your first date, you just want to see, am I having fun? Do I want to see this person again? Don't look at like, are you going to

be my future baby daddy? Like, do you have the type of job that I like? Don't look at any of that stuff because it makes you not present. It also makes you look, almost like in a way, objectify them because they're no longer human. You're just looking to see if they fit this plan and fantasy you have in your mind and the timeline and if they plug in and you get that kind of like job interview energy which is just not sexy I know and getting people to realize that that's what they're doing I mean that really is probably what the majority of people do right I never dated that way personally but I think the most people when you're a certain point you're like this person's going to complete me in all of these ways it's not just like you know maybe we'll have something in common

or maybe I'll make a new friend but that you sort of help people reverse engineer that and look at it a bit differently and say it's just an experience with somebody you get to you know see if there's a connection and learn what that feels like but I find more so now people are so heavily guarded and I think that look it's great that we're all talking about boundaries amazing but we've gotten to a point where instead of boundaries we are building walls and we are not trusting people and it's you know it's showing in the data people are veering more avoidantly attached we don't trust the media we don't trust the government we don't trust our neighbor we don't trust romantic partners like and so we've gone too much to the extreme where we are not taking the risk of vulnerability and opening up and how are you going to spark

connection when you're like I don't know are you a narcissist are you a psychologist are you a psychologist are you going to like are you going to like you know do something bad to me like oh you take this attachment style quiz you take the love languages before we go on a date I need to check all these boxes I'm going to analyze you wasting my time exactly and I know I used to do this when I was in New York I I would like not want to kind of find out how much money they make, but like, so what area do you live in? Like, Tribeca, okay, like I'm leaning in, right? And so, and but by doing that, I'm judging them. Like, do you fit in this box of what I think I want? And that makes you out of the present. So that is it really that we shouldn't figure out what we want? Like, how do we figure out the right things that we want?

I think that you want to be clear in your values and your, and your, values act as your compass, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships to the opportunities that you take. And when you're really clear with that and you start to look at how am I living in integrity with these values and I have my clients rate themselves on these values that they want in another person. Like I'll have people like, oh yeah, honesty. Like I want honesty. And I'm like, okay, what do you rate yourself? Like 10 out of 10. I'm like, but you just, you won't talk to your mom about this really big thing, but like you're honest at work, but you're not honest here.

Like, it doesn't work that way. Integrity isn't a part-time thing when it's convenient. So why don't you start taking accountability, take some action to increase your score of honesty, and then maybe when you get that up higher, you'll call that in with someone else. Exactly. Like becoming the person that you want to find, right? Really, that's what this is about, how we sort of, Like, your work is about how we use our breakups and the pain that comes with it to really

become a greater version of ourselves. So work out ourselves in all of these areas. So I want to go back to breakups now. When I was going through your breakup boot camp and your book and looking at your videos, it really took me back to something I hadn't thought about in a long time. And that was my first breakup. And it was so devastating. And I think for many people, right, the first breakup is really hard because you have

had gone through it before. So I was like 16 years old and I remember his name was Lance and I remember he broke up with me and I was lying on the floor in Michigan, freezing cold in the winter, lying in front of a space heater like rolled up like just so sad and feeling that you know my life is over or whatever. Why isn't this person choosing me? And I really haven't thought about like that kind of thing in a while because I think as you could older the breakups get a little bit easier you kind of know, but there's some patterns that repeat. So first I was thinking, why weren't you there to help? Like, you know, we really need you to help us because then I was thinking you get locked in then also to certain patterns. Like for him, he like left me so that I

wanted to shut my heart down and not be as open. And I think other breakups, you just sort of, when we think of a breakup, we think of like you're devastated, you're sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, calling your friends. You can't get out of bed for weeks. Like that's a breakup. We all know that it's very, very painful. But let's talk about your version. of that and like what we should do like is there time to cry on the couch and to be sad and you know what do we do yeah so I think the very first thing is when we can have a healthy relationship with our emotions that's a game changer in life because feeling sad over a breakup and feeling like there's been a death that's happened that's not bad and I think sometimes especially because I

work with a lot of overachievers it's like the pain is bad how am I going to get out of this like how shameful that I'm feeling this. But we have to be able to feel all of them in order to process it. If you don't process that pain, that's what turns into baggage. And it just stays with you. And then there's a next breakup. And then there's a little bit more added to your baggage. And you just keep bringing it to relationship to relationship.

And then we start to blame ourselves. And we're like, I can't find anyone a date. Why do I keep getting the same, you know, unavailable person? And we can then be like, oh, there's something wrong with me. and it's not. It's that there's been layers of stuff that hasn't been dealt with. And so I think number one is process the emotions. It's okay to feel. And then there's like different stages, right? So depending on what stage you're in, I think it requires a different strategy. In the very beginning, you're in shock and in denial. And what you need to do is talk about it as much as you can with people

you trust, journal it, let it out, release, release. And then a little bit, like, later on is when you can start looking at the lessons, but I would never tell someone in the very beginning to start analyzing their patterns. You're talking about how, like, we get the breakup, we call our friends, we have ice cream, and I think something that happens that I notice a lot is we get together with our friends who love us, and then it becomes this bashing of the X. And it's like eating junk food. In that moment, it feels great, but it actually does a lot of harm. And so when I'm helping people, if you are still blaming your ex, vilifying your ex, analyzing your ex, hoping for your ex to change, you're still in a relationship with your

ex. And sometimes we hold on to the pain because it's the last part of the relationship we have left, but we're not aware that we're doing it. So these hate fest rabbit holes that we get into can be really destructive and just keep you more attached. Yeah. Yeah. Amy Chap. How did you go from like having like this terrible breakup to building a essentially a breakup boot camp empire how does that happen so when i went through this breakup i it was like a band-aid ripped off and all the stuff i never dealt with starting from like the stuff with my dad like everything came to the surface but i didn't know i didn't have the tools i didn't have the understanding so i just blamed it all on my ex and i had crazy revenge fantasies that might have included buying bedbugs like crazy stuff and so when I finally

healed from that and it took a while I asked myself like what happens to people who don't have the books don't have friends that will support them don't have couches to stay on like what happens to them because I was so close to doing something so destructive and I realized I had to create what didn't exist for me, which was a safe place out in nature that you can go where there's experts specifically helping you with a type of pain and grief that comes from breakup. So as much as breakups feel so horrible and we want it to end, I love breakups because it is a period of time where there's a shakeup where you can redirect your life. And you might not know because you're in the tornado. What happens as human beings, we love complacency.

we love our baseline. And even if that baseline is anxiety or chaos or someone that we have no feelings for and more apathetic, we're unlikely to choose uncertainty and risk because it's too uncomfortable. So a breakup yanks you out of that and you have a window period of time where you can get off of this treadmill that you've been on and make some serious changes. So I'm excited for people when I work with them at breakup boot camp because we want to look at what is a pattern that has been playing out the emotional experience and is it one of a repetition compulsion where you're reenacting a scene from your childhood in an attempt to change its ending in a subconscious way yeah i mean really that's exactly it's not necessarily about that

person right we always think you're breakup with someone and we're so angry at them and they've done all these things but once we can look at ourselves we realize it's really we can dis it's not really about them it's always about us right it's our own stuff that we have to go into and peel back the layers like this is how my you know I got love for my parents and this is you know what it meant about my self-esteem and all these things so really getting into ourselves so we can go you know heal and date a healthier way in the future yeah sure exactly it's it's never just about the X there's recycled pain can you talk about this recycled pain because so much of this is like I've always say you know this is the work that we do it's like everything's from childhood I'm like

no it really is even if your parents you think they're perfect it's just about being a parent be having a caregiver, you're going to be learning something from each other and you're going to have these patterns that might no longer serve you. So I think everybody, it's so important to do that work, but how would you even explain that, the recycled pain that we are carrying? I don't want us to go and be like, it's your mom's fault. You have an anxious attachment style. That's not the point, right? We want to understand the root of these behaviors that are no longer serving us because we adapt. And as children, when we don't have tools, it might have been really helpful to do into work and, you know, not deal with emotions and be the person who's very useful and helpful

in fixing things. And then we don't realize that those same, you know, habits that helped us when we were a child is wreaking havoc in our relationships in our 30s. So I think to start is to look at what is a history telling you? What is the emotional experience that keeps repeating? And how are you currently accountable for that? It doesn't mean that the person who cheated on you, it doesn't need to take accountability. It doesn't mean you have to forgive anyone. I'm just saying at what parts do you have control over? And one for me was unavailability, right? I always was like, unavailable guys, like in New York, it sucks, in L.A. it sucks. And then when I looked at my own behavior, I was like, oh, like, how convenient is it for me to chase these guys that clearly

are not that into me by the actions and inactions, but I can then say, oh, yeah, you're the one who's unavailable and not confront that I was unavailable. And I was acting in a way that made me always have that same conclusion. I had the same realization. I'm saying they're not available. They're not here. It's just, you know, it's them kind of blaming everyone else. And then I realize, oh, shit, I'm not emotionally available too. I had to do that work. realize like what does it actually mean so would you say that most people what would be an extra people to realize right now because there are those people go through breakups and maybe this is part of it who aren't ready to look at themselves for a while they're like they just want

to stay in the he's an asshole or she did this terrible thing and I know I have friends and people in the show who've carried on this hate and this disdain and blame for the partners for years and I'm like waiting I'm like come on we got to look at your part there's two of us in every relationship and we bring that into the relationship. But, you know, it can be so hard just to get in there and it's hard to look because it's the stuff we've been avoiding our whole life. Yeah. Right. So it kind of sounds like with your work, you're like, might even be the first stop for them, just saying like, okay, enough. I am done repeating it. Let's do the work. Yeah. And like I, so I interview anyone who wants to come to the boot camp because there are some people

who aren't ready. And that life force energy, which is like, I don't want this to repeat again. And I'm going to look inside. I don't have the tools. I don't know how I'm going to get out of it, that I cannot teach. And so when someone is like, it's all their faults and blah, blah, when they are so attached to being a victim, even though they might have had terrible things happen and there is no opening to look outside of that perspective, I cannot help them. Is there anything that you've been able to say to these people to get them out of it? Or do you think it's a timing thing?

Like eventually they're going to get to the place where they can see their part. It's tough, right? Like all I can do is ask questions that can cause them to look inside. And if they want to, they can. And if they can't, I think also as a former codependent, I'm also learning that it's not my job to take someone out of their emotional experience or to fix it. And sometimes that journey is that they need to spend three years blaming their ex and holding on to that pain because that gives them a sense of connection.

That's their journey. even though it makes me uncomfortable. That's true. We're not responsible for anyone. We have to all get to it on our own. Why do you think that so many of us had the experience of choosing the same person over and over again that isn't right for us?

And we know it's not right for us. It's a little bit where you talked about the patterns. But what about that? Yeah. How do we recognize that and how do we stop that? I come up with this thing called the chemistry compass and how it's not you that's broken if you keep choosing these people that aren't healthy.

your chemistry compass might be broken. And our chemistry compass means that human beings, we are drawn to what is familiar. It's across the board, whether it's food, music, or romantic partners. And so say you came from a household where there was a very unavailable parent, where you had to prove yourself, earn their love, that can become very familiar to do something to earn love. You might, in the future, without knowing it, feel chemistry, this 10 of 10, I want to rip your clothes off, because subconsciously you've picked up cues that it feels like home. And so you can tell you have a broken chemistry compass.

If you just look at your last few relationships and were they healthy, were you happy with them? And if not, and typically that's who the type of people come to me, then you can't trust that 10 out of 10 chemistry. In fact, that's not a green light, it's a red light. And so I really help people to adjust their chemistry compass to start having exposure therapy to people who are kind, who are available, to a more peaceful, and to not confuse intensity and anxiety with love. Love bombing.

Someone's all of you. You're the one. That doesn't necessarily mean that that's love. I mean, truly, I mean, it really is, I guess, hard to get people about to kind of try to look at this. But to say, like to say to someone, I know you've great. chemistry and you're feeling these fireworks, but that's actually what we're trying to like rewire. So that's what, that is the exposure therapy and they're going out with new people

and they're realizing like, I actually can feel connection and actually attraction. Can you talk, what about like attraction? They go out with someone. So the first time you set up with someone, she's like, I'll never go out with the short man. And she goes out with the short man. And then maybe she goes a few times and then she might find like attraction starts to grow. What do you think about that? What it starts to grow and how much time do we give someone? So people want to give up in the first date. Yeah. I wasn't into it. I look at it on a scale. of zero to 10, 10 being like, I want to rip their clothes off at first sight, zero being disgust. We don't bounce back from disgust.

So if you feel five or above, you go again. And the thing is there's, you know, the mere exposure effect, the more we're exposed to someone, the more will amplify the base feeling. So your brain might not cognitively process what type that connection is. Is it sexual? Is it more friendly? You don't know yet until you have more data. and you don't have enough data on the first date or even the second date because often it's our

representative showing up. And so like if it's a five, it doesn't hurt to go again. And then after, I think, a series of dates where you're like, oh, it's just really not, I'm not, it's not moving anywhere. Then you can make a decision of like, okay, I'm going to stop. We're going to be right back with more Amy Chan after a short break for our sponsors. Stick around. Well, how do you help people with the green flags?

People love talking about right flags, but there are certain character traits or anything across the board that you like are like, this is what you want to be looking for to know that you are actually with somebody who makes you feel good in your body, who's healthy? Yeah, it feels calm. You don't have an activated nervous system. And that was the one thing that was a major realization with me, when I met my partner, my now partner in the beginning, I didn't know. I went in with that whole, I'm just going to have fun, and that's it. I'm not going to size him up to see if he's going to be my future husband.

I'm just going to be present. And I remember after our first date, I didn't feel the need to announce it to everyone. Like, oh, my God. Like, I met the one. I've met the one 28 times, by the way. And it just felt calm. And I didn't doubt, like, he messaged back. he asked me out to go again.

Like, there was this flow and ease to things. And I think at that point, I had done enough work because I'd done the dating experiment on myself. And I stopped confusing that, someone who's showing up as boring or too nice or a dormant. And I'm like, oh, actually, this is familiar now. This is the way I want to be treated. You have to retrain your nervous system to find other things calming and appealing. So what about the men?

Like, what would you say are some of their patterns that they're breaking? A lot of the times with the men, the research supports us and also what I've seen is there's more of a tendency after a breakup to distract and avoid. And it's not because of a, you know, a biological thing. It's a socialization thing. So I see often they will jump right back into the apps. They'll, you know, date people, get into a relationship right away. A lot of times I'll also date the opposite of whoever they were with. And then it eventually catches up and it either blows up or they have regret.

And again, they're carrying that baggage. So it's wonderful when I see men show up at the breakup boot camp. But that's one of the things is not doing that because it's uncomfortable and allowing yourself to sit. Yeah, I was thinking like breakup boot camp is like Vegas. Like for guys like, I'm going to go there and I'm going to break up and sleep with everyone. Everyone I know. That's what, you know, or meet new people and sleep with them.

But it is interesting because what we're saying is that for breakups, what you're saying is that we have to eventually feel it. Like I think that we think that it takes time to, you know, heal all wounds and heal our emotions, but it really doesn't. We have to go in and feel it. So maybe with some people, they're avoiding it by going out and sleeping around. And for some people, they're actually stepping in and, like, doing this kind of work. So, God, it saves so much time.

If we just start processing it, right? We have enough information after even a few times we're going on dates, even, like, realizing, like, what do I actually like? What makes me feel good? Because what I love is, like, you're helping people sort of turn it back on them like how do you want to be a better person how do you want to show up in the world like people are just thinking i have a broken heart i want to get out of it so i can jump into another relationship and i think that you're filling in this gap this this this place where they need to

stop in the middle and just say like okay what can i you know how can i become the best version of myself before i do this again yeah and i think like just even assessing like what in this last relationship what do i want to take away as i want more of and what do i not we need to sometimes go through these experiences to figure out what we don't want, to then figure out what we do want. And that's a pathway I took, like, a lot of like, oh, I don't want that. I don't want that. And then I was like, okay, this is actually how I want to feel. And I think the focus changes on, like, are they like this? Are they this tall to like, if I'm an anxious wreck of a person after a date, it doesn't matter how good they are on paper or how hot they are. I'm looking at how I feel.

and that is a clear signal that something in my body is saying no. So these are the kind of things if you teach, like, what are you actually feeling? I think so many of us are loose to like projecting. Like, I hope this person likes me. And I hope that, you know, they choose me or I hope I'm good enough. But it's like really the reframe is how do I actually feel? It's just someone that I enjoy spending time with, right? And that is a skill set to be taught, which is what you work with people on, like knowing that,

the knowing. And like giving it time. And so, again, back to my whole day. dating funnel where like there's prospecting discoveries dates one to two and the third stage is evaluation and that's like state dates three to maybe 15 and a lot of people especially people are very ruled by chemistry they skip this altogether or people who are so wanting to be chosen instead of believing that I am the one choosing and so they skip the whole evaluation part the part where you get to know someone through time like are they who they say they are are they

treating the weight staff well, like all these little things that are data points so that you can make an informed decision. Right. Like take the time. So what is that? Do you talk about the different stages? Yeah, yeah. So talk funnel is prospecting. Okay, just lead generation. I always say you want three sources of lead generation. So if you're only doing apps, then one other way is go on, do meetup groups on common interests. The third might be get friends to set you up. And then after that is discovery dates one to two. The only question you're asking yourself, am I having fun? Do I want to see them again? If it's a yes, you go. And then the third is evaluation. Evaluation is dates three to about 12, 15. And this is when you're just, you are deciding and like seeing this person through

time, their values, their integrity, is there an alignment? And then after that, you can make an informed decision. Do I want to go to the next stage, which is close? And that could be stepping up the level of commitment, however that looks like to you. And the last part of the funnel is retention, and that is a whole other book. Okay. Right. Like how do you, it's so important to recognize that way because we often get very caught up in the early stages, right? So I think a lot of it is realizing that early stage you have these chemicals, the best, the most delicious cocktail of feel-good chemicals in the world are swirling in your brain and you're falling in love and you really don't see any of the red flags waving in the distance because you

actually can't because you're like filled up with all the stuff that feels good. But just like any drug that, you know, comes up, you got to come back down again. And I feel like with a lot of your work, you're kind of dealing with this for a lot of people having them realize that all the different stages of attraction and arousal and that people are thinking like most of people's data are predicated on those early time when it isn't even real. So it's like, what do we do? How do we show? I always want to like a PSA that's like this is not real. This is fun. You're going to gather the information, but not all the information. So what do you think about that stage? How do you explain that and make it to people realize like that's like it's a good

we need it? It's important. But then we have to look at what comes next. Yeah. I think the first two, three months of relationship, they don't count. They don't count. They don't count. Because like you can have the most avoidant person who like doesn't want a relationship at all, but they are motivated because of dopamine to conquest and to win you. And so they're romantic. They're texting all the time. They're initiating dates. And then they got you. And suddenly they disappear and they're hot and cold. And you're like, oh my God, but I want to get it back to how it used to be. You didn't know that person. You don't know when someone is in a conquest mode. You don't know when it's just like they love drugs. You don't know if it's just a representative. You do not have enough data about

someone. And so when you truly do and respect and have like a healthy sense of self-worth and I know it's not easy, when you start building that, you don't get so blindsided by the fact that someone's buying you gifts or their initiating dates. You're like, okay, cool. Well, let's see how you are consistently through time and the small things, the small things that mean a lot, not because you bought me flowers. Right. Because in that period, though, you idealize it. And do you find And also then people going through breakups, they're like, but that time it was so great, you talked about this pattern of we get just enough from somebody and they pull back. We get just enough.

We go pull back from them. And that becomes our entire relationship that we then think was kind of a healthy relationship because then it was good, it was bad. Can you talk about intermittent reinforcement? Yeah, yeah. So there's this famous rat study where they put these rats in a cage. And every time the rat pressed the lever, they would get a pellet of food. And so the rat learns like, okay, I do this, I get the thing. That's continuous reinforcement.

Then the experimenters were like, okay, well, what happens if we remove the food completely? The rat presses, presses not getting the food. Eventually, like, I'm not getting food. I'm out of here. Again, you learn that this is going to have this result. No big deal. Then the researchers were like, let's, let's like mess around here. How about what, sometimes when the rat presses the lever will give some food sometimes. we won't. It'll be completely at random. And can you guess what happened to the rats? They were crazy. They died. Those rats died because they were going after the food. Right. They're like, where's the freaking balance? They're like, maniacally pressing, pressing, pressing. They stopped drinking water. They just kept pressing. And, you know, whether it's that gambler at the slot machine or whether that's you, like, waiting if this person's going to check your IG story because they didn't reply to your text message, it's the same thing. When you don't know when the reward is going to come.

when it's spontaneous and unpredictable, it causes you to feel the sense of addiction. And when we don't understand this, we think it's because they're so great. That's why I'm feeling so much intensity when it's not. There's nothing to do with the person. They're literally just playing a game. They understand. I mean, I don't know how conscious they are about it. But what we're talking about is like if you're dating someone, you get a really sexy text,

but then you don't hear from it for a few weeks. And then they drop in one day. Then you're getting up again. and it's all these layers that keep us attached to things that aren't necessarily healthy for us at all. Yeah. Sometimes they are aware, like I don't think people generally are manipulative trying to do this, but a lot of the times there is a validation they get to have that tether to be like,

I still got it. I can still do that little poke and I'll get that attention. Yeah, it feels good. And then I got my fix. I'm going to continue doing my thing. Exactly. I got a bunch of other people that I got to keep connected to. But, you know, when we see that coming in, I guess we can start to recognize.

I guess that's what you're saying. Eventually, go through time. You're like, that's not okay. Oh, this person who's an inconsistent taxer. This person who's always laid or this person's breaking their promises. Hopefully we only go through that, you know, once or twice in our life with people. And then we start to make better choices and choose healthier partners. Yeah.

And again, it's like instead of focusing so much on them, focus on, oh, I'm feeling anxiety. Every time I have an interaction with this person, I spiral. I don't want to feel that way. So therefore, I'm going to use those cues about myself to either have a conversation and communicate like an adult, be like, hey, what's up? Or I'm going to step out of the cycle of hot and cold. So then it's really helping people realize that like you can, you know, rebuild again. So when you're doing your boot camps and you're working with clients or that you're

having them, they're identifying the patterns. I love the idea of writing down your exes that you dated and then circling literally the common denominators are the things that were and then being like okay did this serve me it didn't serve me and then do you help them write a new directive what they're looking for or values how to how to actually embody those and feel those yeah so we do an exercise where they identify their top values and again they rate themselves first so that they can work on their own and that is really what they're looking for in the evaluation stage when they are dating different people to see if there is an alignment of values. And another thing we have them do is to write their non-negotiables list because

we know that when the love cocktail starts happening, we forget and we rationalize. And so when you have your, these are the actual nos. You can come back to this list. You can have an accountability buddy that can see it as well. And when someone crosses it, you don't rationalize it away. What are the no? You're like, no, that has to be a no. They're like, yeah, I think one of the big ones is availability, so someone who's not available. And that could mean someone who's living in a different continent, right? Like, it's not that the guy, the person is a bad person, but you want a committed relationship in your city.

And so stop dating someone who lives, you know, a totally different time zone than you, right? Yeah. I kept thinking about people who date married people, like married. I'm like, that's the perfect example of it. They're like, oh, they just keep finding you. They're not finding you, but you are attracted to that adrenaline. Is it going to happen? Is it not going to happen?

Yeah. Right. Okay. So that's what availability. What are some other common ones that we missed, but that are really important? Someone who is, I think, mutually invested. And that is really, you can tell. Like, if you are the one who's constantly, okay, I'll change my plans to make it happen.

I'll meet you in your town and the city. Like, when that's happening and you notice that there's just a major imbalance, that's a non-negotiable. and someone is not mutually invested. They will only be with you if it's convenient for you, for them. It's not a relationship that's going anywhere. I mean, it's so funny. Just like friendships.

Like you don't date people who make you feel bad at friendships who are like they're not reliable. They don't show up. You know, it's just like everything. It's really just a way to understand, you know, people and understand yourself and what you really won't put up with.

So you've got your non-negotiables. Yeah. And then you... And then knowing what a difference between a non-negotiable and a preference is. because a preference is 6-2. A preference is that they like skiing like you do. And the research shows that none of that stuff matters

when it comes to a long-term happy relationship. It doesn't matter that you guys like golfing together. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That stuff that we think matters doesn't matter. And because humans adapt, that person that you're like, oh my gosh, 10 to 10 attraction, like because they're so hot, two years in, that hotness, you get used to.

to it. So you're not like, so what is the glue that is left when you adapt to all those shiny qualities that will not matter two years down the road? A lot of my listeners, when I'm thinking about all the questions I get over breakups over the years. And what I get all the time is, why can't I get over my ex? Like, and I always think about them like during sex. They're probably the best they ever had. And, and I feel like a lot of times we're just like, we don't think we'll ever find that again. So what do you do with that? And how do you get people to, reconnect with themselves sexually and realize it wasn't about their partner per se. Yeah, we bring in a sex therapist to help specifically with this because so often we are, we think that the reason

why we felt this hot chemistry or we felt so sensual is because of them. But they tapped into something and helped us connect something that was already within us, which is great news, because we can cultivate that and then cultivate that thing and have it with other people. So we are the source of it, not Joe or Lance, you know? That's it. Like, it is not about that person. It is not about that person at all, right? It's about how they made us feel.

What a gift. How do I? And I can find that with other people, right? Yeah. And I mean, this is a journey I'm on as well. Like I spent most of my life performing. Like, I was like, oh, this is what a sexy Asian girl does. Like, and that's what I did for a very long time.

What does a sexy Asian girl do? I'm submissive. I'm cute and I'm sweet. And like, and I'll cook you eggs afterwards. Like, that's what I was doing. That's where you started? How did you get out of that? That's amazing.

I mean, you grew up with that. I grew up with that. And guys would eventually like break up with me or not want to keep hanging out with me. And they would say, like, I don't know. Like, something just felt off. And they didn't know. But what they sensed. was I was not myself. I was just performing trying to be what I thought that they wanted.

And so it has been a journey for me. I've only started learning about sex. That's why I started listening to your podcast is I have had to rewire these narratives and like learn how to tap into my sexuality and into my body and not just like makes my orgasm someone else's responsibility. Like that's a new concept for me. It is a new concept. That's just a big awakening. Many people don't really get there that you realize like you were like they're not emotionally available really they were seeing that you weren't emotionally available because you were in this performance you really weren't because you didn't even know it so that's when your wake-up call that's so interesting and then you're like okay so who am i without a man without anybody like

who am i right ab and so that's when you're like started doing these practices right and i'm healing through these bootcamps right i bring in all these experts and it's through like having a sex therapist there or having a tantra person there and I'm like taking notes like okay I got to practice this like I go okay I'm in charge of my own orgasm okay I'm going to do sensual energy I'm going to look in the mirror while putting oil on my body like exactly we're a response of our own orgasm but we don't tell women that I think so many women fall into the performative trap whether it's in dating or the way we have sex or the way we relate same thing I started faking orgasms for like the first many many years I was having sex I was like that is not seem like equitable no they're always having a good time I

am not what do we do and then to take back those layers is such a process and a journey and I love you're saying you're never done learning right no you're always on the path how did you start dating again yeah so I mean I think really it's been being in a healthy partnership where I started changing some of these things because I never felt safe with people and that came from your childhood yeah I was just trying to make them like me and choose me and like if I was sexy sweet and intelligent and ambitious, then maybe they would choose me. And like, I've now been with my partner for four and a half years. And like I am learning, like even not checking out, right? I'm going to actually like focus on the sensations in my body. Like that's a new thing for me. Okay, let's get

into that. So yeah, so you learn to like just not leave your body and be like the perfect girlfriend. You were like, what, what am I feeling right now? Can you talk about your first experience with that? Yeah, because I would notice during sex, my mind. mind would go somewhere else. Whether it's a fantasy, whether it's playing a scene. It could even be playing a scene with my partner from a different time. What the hell? And so I learned through one of the sex therapists, like actually just focus on the sensation in your body. And doing that has really, really helped me. And it seems so simple and so small, but these little things they add up. And now I'm working on like, well, how do I feel more libido? And,

sensuality without waiting for my partner to draw a bath and do these things. And I'm still figuring it out. I don't know. Help me. No, but that's it. That's a process. But no, it sounds like you're, that's exactly it. Well, first, going back to the questions to people who say, like, you, I can only have sex with my accents on them. No, when you like, first off, when you slow down and you do start to just touch your body and realize that you can give yourself pleasure, then you can start to link up your sexuality with yourself and that label it with, with anybody else. But also the part about getting present in your body is so, because so many people, we believe our brains, we're thinking about our ex, we're thinking about the laundry.

I think one of the biggest challenges you have is staying present during sex, and that is such a great experience is just saying, like, the second your mind floats away to go, what am I feeling like, okay, I even use the five senses, like my hands are my partner's chest, you know, what am I smelling right now, what am I tasting? That really is such a way to be more embodied and to kind of say, like, it doesn't have to be about my mind leaving. I can't bring it back. Even if it goes, leaves a few times, you just keep bringing it back, right? Every single time. Yeah. I did actually a tantra workshop. Oh, okay. Tell me. I love tantra.

One of the exercises I loved was we had to do 15 minutes, no, 10 minutes, where one person would give the other person a full body massage, but it couldn't lead to intercourse. And then the timer got off and then you'd switch. And I cried when I did this exercise because I've been so used to balancing it out. Like, oh my God, you did, I got to do this now. Like so concerned with the experience of my partner that to just receive was a very vulnerable thing for me. Receiving is really big when it comes to sex. It's so, especially if you're a giver, which a lot of us are, to think that this person actually wants to be pleasing me and touching my body and you just got to breathe through it. And then, you know, it's

amazing that you've been doing, you know, all this work. And they're teaching it to all the people that come, right? Because that's the thing about dating. Like, we make it seem like, we're not on one track to find that person, find that person. We waste so much time. Like, basically, you're helping people be more efficient. Like, you're just cutting the bullshit. Like, you could save decades. Yeah. Like, literally decades of patterning, but just knowing, like, I can choose different people. I can make different choices. I can feel differently. This isn't necessarily, you know, my lot in life. And I think sometimes, too, like, yeah, they're kind of a gift, the breakups. Because you look at, like, what are the lessons here?

I mean, there's lessons in everything, true, but in every kind of ending that's really, you know, I always say you're never going to regret leaving a relationship, a home, or a job. I almost feel like those are time to leave. It was ready to leave. And there's so much to learn in those places, but especially in relationships. I find that a lot with people who are trying to date. And I know it's hard to date in this landscape. Like the research is showing it.

It's harder than ever right now. And I think we can think that it's because we are flawed. but in my experience, working with people who are single, most people are usually just of two blind spots away from shifting their path. And you need to know where it is that you stand, right? So, for example, there's all this stuff about red flags and there's narcissists out there. Like, you need to know, like, are you too much on the spectrum of you don't trust anyone so everything's closed?

Or are you too far in the spectrum where you have zero standards and you're just going to take anything that comes because you're almost like a hungry person at a grocery store. So you need to know where you are. And then from there, you can see, okay, how can I push my edge a little bit to get more balanced? But the same advice isn't going to work for everyone. Right. You're finding more people are avoided.

They don't even have a skill set to socialize, right? These days because we're so isolated, but just feeling like, yeah, there's so much fear around it now. But you're right. When your fear of vulnerability, they just, you know, they can't live in the same space. But if we don't feel safe, so then how do we, how do you work with people to start, because really it's not trusting others is not trusting ourselves, right? So we have to start to trust ourselves first.

So the very first step is actually going to surprise you. It is actually getting very clear on who your, what I call your trusted circle is. Because the people you're surrounded with, they are, they are wiring your brain. So if you are exposed to people, and this isn't even people you like, it could be your boss or the person you carpool with, if you're constantly exposed to people who make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells, who are criticizing you, you're not building the necessary neural pathways for trust and healthy connection. So it's going to be nearly impossible for you suddenly to be at the bar and be like, okay, like I'm going to trust you. You have to work on building up

those neural pathways. So who's in your trusted circle now? And if you are missing people that you can feel safe with who you can feel you can be yourself with work on that build those friendships invest in those people double down on that and then figure out how you can decrease your exposure to those low safety people it is so important that our friendships are like medicine right like we need our friendships and then once you start to build that muscle of trusting people again you'll be able to kind of let other people in I think that what I love is people jump right into wanting to get to another relationship they're skipping this step of actually building it experiencing it in their own life.

Like, it's hard to build the trust in a relationship if you have been trusted yourself or you don't have a circle of trust around you. Yeah, and I think if you are that person who's like, well, I just want the next relationship. Why? Why are you in such a hurry? What is causing this?

I got to get it now. Like, I have to be hunting. Like, what is that? Is that coming from a healthy, helpful place? And you've got to do a little bit of digging. Yeah. is that societal is conditioning or beliefs that we have to like settle down and we're only half a person if we are single. Are you finding out that the people that you work with are sort of

more open to staying single logger or not necessarily jumping to that next relationship or an alternative kind of style? I'm finding that people are doing alternative styles because that is what they think they can get. I just talked to this couple's therapist. We were at a conference together and she said 60% of her clients, 35 and under, are now in an open relationship. Are you finding that as well, or are you thinking that people are just sort of falling into that because it kind of is just sort of serving maybe their avoidant tendencies and they haven't really learned how to love yet? Or do you think this is something that we should be welcoming and exploring?

So I think that there's definitely a more open mind of different types of relationship styles. And I think that's great. what I have an issue with is I have a lot of clients who are in situationships or they want a committed partnership and the other person doesn't. So they will just deal with it because that's the only way that they'll have access to this person. And I think that you're lying to yourself. So I think you have to be really honest. Do you really want this? Or are you only doing it because you think that's all you can get? And maybe it self-selects the type of people that come to me are people who want a committed relationship. That makes sense to you. Because situationships are just, I mean,

when are they really healthy, right? There's no boundaries. There's no clarity. You don't know what's coming, what's going. And it's going to keep you attached and addicted to those chemicals, right? Those same thing, that same up and down. Yeah. And I have people who are like, okay, well, we have really clear parameters of how the situation ship's going to work. And, you know, I know that it's not going be really well what do you think it's going to happen when you're sharing yourself emotionally physically intimately through a long period of time like you can't control that sorry you can't sink your way out of falling for someone and usually it's one person that ends up really hurt always i try to try to tell people that but they sometimes they just have to go through it

so what are the other things that you work with people with on their sexual relationships too right you have your boot camp and you have different practitioners help people like with you know somatic sensing and we have a dominatrix that comes she teaches the psychology of power dynamics because that's definitely a big theme of the people who come feeling very disempowered in their relationships even though they're powerful badasses in their jobs so feeling disempowered yeah feeling like what does it look like to and how are we giving way our power too right yeah because it can start off feeling like very equal and then somewhere along the way it's like death by a thousand cuts you kind of like okay i i don't I won't do this weekend trip to, like, do yoga meditation because that's the only weekend

you have free or, I won't, okay, fine, like, I won't express this need because I'm scared it's going to make you upset. It happens very slowly. And then eventually get to a spot where they are so scared of losing the person or there's such an uneven power dynamic and the gap has been so widened and they don't even know who they are anymore. Like, I wasn't this person before. Amy, let's talk about the different stages of love. Okay. So a lot of people don't know this and then they make a big mistake and they dump their partner two years in. So learn this. There's two main stages of love. And the first stage is that romantic, passionate stage. And the chemicals are very different, right?

It's namely like dopamine, right, which is the motivator. You don't know this person enough. So everything's exciting. It's novel. And you feel those butterflies in your stomach. You feel in love. And then what happens is eventually these chemicals can't continue. Otherwise, you would get no work done. You'd just be having sex all day. And so eventually those chemicals shift and you move into the second stage of love, which is called the companionate stage of love. And these chemicals are different, like facepressin, oxytocin. They're the term the here or now chemicals that makes you appreciate what's present. You're not wondering what's happening in your future because you've already experienced this person. But you don't feel that they walk in the room and I want

to just rip your clothes off like you did with that intensity in the beginning. And when people don't understand this, they think something is wrong in their relationship. And often they'll be like, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. And they will end it with someone who is a great partner for them. And so what's happening is Mother Nature is just not going to do the job for you anymore. Sorry, you got to do the work to cultivate intimacy, add novelty, continue growing together, add romance and sparks into your life versus just waiting for the dopamine to hit you and like a lightning bolt. We just explain to people that it's literally your chemistry. It's literally your physiology. Don't get married at the stage. Don't have a baby. Don't move in together. Like it's not,

it's a good time, but it's really not, you know, meant, when it ends, it doesn't mean that it's over. Like, that's exactly what I did. I left so many relationships in my 20s because I was like, well, we're done here. I don't want to have sex with you anymore. I'm done. We're bored. This is not good. I will never be in a relationship where sex gets boring. I'm out. Yeah, I did that for a long time. And that's probably what I started sex with Emily because I was like, what is wrong with me that I want to leave? I'm like, oh, it takes work. I heard it takes work. But what is the work. And now you realize that you could really make almost any relationship work with somebody who was a growth mindset around growth and relationships and stuff like that. Yeah. And that might

sound unromantic, but it's reality. Like the reality is if it is a long term relationship that you are looking for, most of that time is going to be spent in the companion stage of laws. Okay, so the companion stage you're there and that's when you, yeah, you bond, you love, you do. That's when it really it's hard. You go through your first fights. Yeah. You learn. who people each other are and then you can make decisions from there but the problem is so many people are just going back to that that's all they remember is the early it's like everyone's addicted to the that's why some people have affairs because like I want to have that again yeah but so that's something you have to make you know you have to make peace with that you might not have that again

if you decide to stay with the same person but then you create other things that are just as beautiful and meaningful yeah and I think also there could be a fear around the deepening of intimacy and vulnerability that happens in the companion stage of love. Someone sees you for all, sees you through your food poisoning, like the farts at night, like all of you, and that could be really scary. And so we could rationalize and be like, oh, I'm not in love with you. And then hop to the next person when really it's a way of not letting someone in too close. And I almost think like, should we instead of maybe we optimize for our best friend that

we want to make out with? Because that's really like where we're going to spend. majority of our time. I've had so much time. I've thought about that a lot because it really does matter because at the end of the day, you are not having sex all the time and wanting to rip each other's clothes off. That is not reality at all. That is the complete exception and it's not the rule. And to normalize that, that it's every relationship, in my relationship, you got to work on your sex life. Just because I know what to do to get myself there doesn't mean that I always want sex all the time. No one will after a while. So yeah, it's somebody who I want to

want to hang out with a lot because you will be hanging out a lot and what's real for them. Question, you said that sometimes people who are good at dating are not necessarily good at relationships. Yeah. I know a lot of people and some of my own friends who are great at the romantic gestures and making you feel like you're the most important person in the world. But when it comes to relationship, which does require work and emotional skill and growth and moving through the uncomfortable parts.

And instead of saying, see ya, I'm just going to go to the thing that feels fun. I'm like, I'm going to sit with these uncomfortable emotions. I'm going to do the work. I'm going to listen to this podcast, sex with Emily, with my partner so we can get better. Like, those are the hard things. And that is a different set of skill than the Casanova that can like sweep you off your feet for the first three weeks. Exactly. So we were told though, Cinderella, all the stories.

We're still rewiring everything that we've had to learn in the past and realize it now. I think that we need. need to stop trying to appeal to the masses. I used to be like, okay, I need to be a feminine girl. So I have to do these things. And now I'm like, this is me. You can call it masculine because I'm so ambitious in my work and I'll make decisions and I'll take charge of a situation and maybe I'm controlling sometimes. Or maybe that's just me. And I love it. And if you don't like it, that's okay. And I've had clients where they've tried to hide part of themselves because they thought that it wasn't feminine enough or masculine enough. And one of my clients, she was always

told her personality was too big and she was too intense. And so she would try to like do these like gymnastics and contort herself to be something she wasn't without any success until she accepted how she was. And she's now, you know, she's done the dating experiment. She's with an engineer who's very quiet, who loves the fact that she's loud and she comes into the room and takes up the spotlight. He loves the very thing that other guys would falter for. And if she appealed to the masses, she would have never attracted this guy. Yeah, I understand that. Okay, I've got a few questions here from listeners. I thought you could help me answer, Amy. This is from Christine. She's 25 in Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been sexting

my ex for a year. I'm fine with our situation as is. But if you wanted to get back together, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. How do I protect myself from future heartbreak and keep it purely sexual. Oh, that's going to be tricky. Okay. She's sexting with her ex. So this is this attachment to, and I'd love to hear your thoughts that you're keeping yourself in the past. You really attach to something that happened, you know, before and she's really not moving forward and learning. And now she's kind of convincing herself that she'd say yes, because it could just be sexual when right now she's already attached and whirled in it still. What would you ever say? Right. Yeah, Christine.

Christine, I know that there is like something you're getting from this, but the reality is you are in a relationship with your ex and he is not in a relationship with you. And the longer you keep this going and you can rationalize in your mind that it's just sex and it's just that you just have to know that your heart is closed for business for any other opportunity. There is no opportunity cost. There is opportunity cost for what you're doing. Exactly.

And also, yeah, you're staying with one person. You're not allowing anyone else do to come in, right? shut down. Yeah, we got to move on. We've got to move on lovingly, Christine. We keep us posted. This is from Stephanie. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a big fan of yours. My question for you is, as a single mother who's been divorced for five years, how can I get back into the dating world after being single for so long and focusing on myself and my kids? Any starter tips or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I love this because she's like, this is just so common. People have been out of the game and they want to get back in the game.

And, you know, how do they do it? How do they feel in their body? How do they know what to look for? Yeah. How do we do? First, I think you have to start putting yourself out there. And I think starting an online dating profile, as much as it's scary, maybe your first step is just to set it up and you don't have to even swipe on anyone, but just do that first

step. And then another thing you could do, I really encourage people to do meetup groups on an activity you already like. So maybe it's hiking. There's thousands of these types of groups. And so you're not going to miss out on anything because you're doing something that you like, but you will eventually, you will meet like-minded people. Maybe there'll be a friend or maybe it'll be a best friend you want to make out with.

You don't know. Exactly. They all lead to each other. Friends meet through, you might meet someone you're attracted to you through a friend. Thanks, Stephanie. Okay. So now, Amy, I'm going to ask you the five quickie questions. We ask all of our guests.

Okay. Just quick questions here. Okay. What's your biggest turn on? French kissing. What's your biggest turn off? Oh, shit. Jack hammering.

Yes. Oh my God, can I say that? Yes, you can. I'm going to like shake your hand on that one. No jackhammering. What makes good sex? Eye contact, just being aligned like spiritually, physically, emotionally. Yes.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Stop performing. Remember that you are the one choosing, not waiting to be chosen. Number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex. that it could be such a beautiful portal for intimacy with it yourself and with another person. Amy, where can everyone find you? Ooh, so my book is called Breakup Boot Camp. And I'm running both breakup boot camps and my dating boot camps.

So you just go to Renew Boot Camps.com and on Instagram, Miss Amy Chan. Thank you so much for being here. This was so fun. Thank you. that's it for today's episode thank you so much for listening to sex with emily and if you love the show please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast and hey share this with a friend or a partner it might just spark something it usually does you can find me on instagram tick tock youtube facebook and x it's all at sex with emily oh and i've been told i give

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