Sex With Emily - Your Body Is Craving Your Attention

Starting point is 00:00:03 Our bodies want our attention. We are craving and longing to be held in love by somebody. Well, your body is also actually craving that from you first. So look to see where you are abandoning your body to go and prioritize other people and coming back to your body. This is Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Starting point is 00:00:32 Today's episode, I speak with The Pleasure Muse and somatic sexologist Dali Josette. I love Dali. She's been on the show before, but today we really cover new ground about practicing embodiment to maximize our connection with ourselves and our partners. We discuss how to release trauma in our genitals. This might be the reason why your genitals aren't acting the way you want them to. You're not feeling as much. The importance of getting your daily touch fix and what my plan is. pleasure spot is. And I bet it might be yours too. And finally, some real-time info on how to access

Starting point is 00:01:07 your partner's prostate to maximize pleasure. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Today, I have the pleasure speaking with a pleasure muse. That's right. We will be doubling your pleasure with Dolly Josette. She is a somatic sexologist, a certified sexological body worker, intimacy and relationship coach. But more importantly, my very dear friend. Dolly came to town to help guest teach on the SmartSX membership and she's really led some incredible courses there and she's been on the podcast before. So glad you're back with us. And Dolly, I just want to say what I love about you is that you truly walk the walk and talk the talk.

Starting point is 00:01:59 Seeing how you move through life and how you approach everything in a truly embodied state with sensuality is an inspiration. And if you don't know what I'm talking about and what that means to live that way, you will understand it by the end of this episode. So you specialize in somatic sexological bodywork and embodied learning. Explain what that is. Yes. Well, soma means of the body. So a somatic practitioner is we are trained in this body work approach, in this somatic approach, that can be hands on, hands in as necessary. But we're looking at attachment, consent. How one experiences habits in their life. How are they relating to their bodies, to their partners, and how they can

Starting point is 00:02:47 expand erotic expression in their body, how they can expand pleasure. For some people, pleasure might be an acceptable word. When I add in the word erotic, they're like, oh, wait, whoa, triggers. And for some others who are really curious and have a lot of expansion already, and they try all kinds of things, but maybe they're wanting to deepen a connection and feel more. And there's a lot of Semetic therapists who are just having you track. What do you notice in your body? When you tell me that story, does that feeling feel familiar? Because we trap and hold stories and emotions in our fascia. And then when it comes to sex and intimacy, all the things that get trapped in the genitals. Oh my goodness. Like there can be just emotional blocks or

Starting point is 00:03:33 physiological blocks that we can help people in wine. So we're not there like, you know, creating an erotic connection with our clients where they're to hold space. I'm there to hold space for my clients so that they can start to know themselves sensually so they can express themselves and develop confidence of, oh, I'm noticing that. Oh, I'm noticing this tingling. Oh, that feels good. Okay, great. Now let's breathe with it. Like, let's move through that. How can you expand it so that we are adding in the pleasure. They're practicing that heart opening and then they're adding in the arousal. So it's that whole thing of kind of that equation like that I talked about in the beginning. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:12 So many of the people who reach out are saying, I've seen this in the smartest sex membership. I've heard it with my listeners for 20 years. They're having sex after they get through the honeymoon phrase, right? They're like, I don't know. It doesn't feel as good as it used to. I don't have as much desire for my partner or for sex in general. and when we ask them, or they say to me, I don't know what I like. I don't know what I want.

Starting point is 00:04:44 Like, how do I tell my partner what I want if I don't know what I want? Or often they say they don't even recognize they don't know what they want. They don't know that it's even possible to figure out what they want, the wanting. So I give a lot of details and facts on the show, but until you actually are able to have your body set up so it's in a calm place where you can feel things, it's going to be really hard to ever know what you want, sexually. What I love about the work that you do, Dolly, is that it is so foundational. And this work, this embodying work, this somatic work, is the practices that people can do so they can feel more pleasure in their body. So they can figure out what they want sexually, what they need sexually, how to build their own arousal so they're not relying on a partner

Starting point is 00:05:28 outside of them to bring it to them. They have to start to create a container, a safe space in their body so they can feel it. And I know this from also working with you. You did sessions with me and a partner before. And that was so powerful to allow us to work with you, to have a container to start to understand our attachment styles, how we needed attention from each other, how we needed touch from each other. And the other part of this is you talked about how we store trauma in our genitals. Can you say more about that? Because I, I feel like, what do you mean? Like, it's in there?

Starting point is 00:06:08 Like, can I get it out? Do I look at it? It's not even just in the genitals. It's in the whole body. It's in the fascia. So if I were to just quickly tell, you know, your listeners, just take a breath and just think for a minute, a time when you felt so happy. When you're just like, oh, my gosh, so much delight.

Starting point is 00:06:30 Just think of that moment and you're going to start to feel some emotions like in your body. Where were you? What is the view? you, then think about a time when you were so sad. So absolutely sad. I can remember a time when you were sad, Emily, and we had a big conversation about that. Yeah. Now let's let go of that moment and let's pull in some turn on. When have you been so turned on? I love it. Yeah. That's more fun. So like in just these three quick examples, I can just say it and you're, you actually conjure up the feeling and the emotion. So this is the stuff like the body keeps

Starting point is 00:07:11 the score stuff when all this research in the early 70s that like, oh, somebody who's been in a car accident, you can just talk about it and they would connect people with, you know, whatever the scientific devices are. I was going to say EKGs, but I don't know if that's the correct term. And they would monitor just talking about it and it was as if their body was back there. So this is correct. And so imagine then you bring in the trauma or the PTO. from our veterans or stuff that happens with people's bodies. I had an awesome intake call with some new clients. And the husband spoke eloquently. You could hear the love and the tenderness and what he wants for him and his wife, you know, married, you know, 16 years, together 20 years.

Starting point is 00:08:00 And he's, you know, talking about this level of disconnection that she has and that she shared some recent trauma stuff and some personal things that that they're discovering and and then I said, I was like, thank you. You shared that so eloquently. And then I said, well, let me hear from you. You know, I want to hear from the wife. And it wasn't a session, but then she started to speak and I could hear like shakiness in her breath and then it went quiet. And then I said, you know what? You don't have to say anything. Hearing your husband say these words brought up a this emotional stuff. Like here you are having this conversation for the people who do take the time to write on a piece of paper. This is what's going on for us. This is the help that we want.

Starting point is 00:08:47 Then making the phone call. Then scheduling a Zoom or coming to, like these are brave people who are entrusting in somebody. So it's really important to find somebody that you connect with, that you feel safe with. What I am speaking to first with my clients is their nervous system. So you talk about like, oh, what do we need to get out of our genitals to get to sex? That's like multiple steps away. We are first dealing with nervous system. We are first dealing with what is showing up for you and how can you interact with love. Feeling it in your personal experience is stage one, admitting it, sharing it with somebody because there's shame around it and the shame lives in darkness so that you add light to it by sharing with it and by healing. I remember

Starting point is 00:09:36 I went to see a therapist way before my time because I was always in top therapy. And this was probably 25 years ago. I had a friend sent me to her therapist. I walked in there. I was in my 20s. And she said, the therapist said to me, hi, nice to meet you. Okay, why do you sit there? And then she asked me something. Her second question was, where do you feel that in your body? And I said, I was so angry, Dolly, because I knew, I said, I don't feel anything. I only feel anxiety. I don't know what you're talking about. And it was like, in my mind, the worst therapy session I ever had. Because it felt too out there. Everyone talks about wanting a deeper connection and wanting to feel more and wanting to

Starting point is 00:10:11 to know what they feel and wanting to have orgasms. But until you actually do this very specific practices around actually being still and breathing and listening to what you feel, it's going to be hard to get everything else that people want. Sometimes I would get annoyed in therapy sessions when it was like, well, tell me about it. How do you feel? You kind of want to go to somebody like to give you the solution, right? You're like, just tell me.

Starting point is 00:10:33 What do you see? I like, tell me what are you observing. But in the practice of sexological body work, we're not already just going right hands to body. I mean, there's some beautiful practices when somebody is ready for that. But, you know, you mentioned a little while ago about you coming in with your partner to do some work with me. I mean, we had some great sessions, Emily. I was so incredibly proud of you and what showed up in that space. But one of my favorite moments, you were on the massage table.

Starting point is 00:11:05 And he was straddling the massage table and holding your hips. So this is kind of the beginnings of just like of having a partner. Grounded. Help to ground and connect. And then I'd have you like open your eyes and look at him and then close your eyes and, you know, have you guys exchanged some words. And then I always say, do you want more of this or do you want to move on? And then you said, no, no, no, we can go.

Starting point is 00:11:31 We can go. And I think we did get to the vulva hug, which is like his, both of his hands just kind of over and just holding. But you were like, no, we can keep going. I was like, well, just feel into this. Just take a breath and see what you can just like absorb in terms of like his connection, his love. And there was something that happened. They're like, oh, I can take. I don't have to go anywhere and do anything.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Yeah. I can just receive. Yes. Because you were like, oh, don't we have to get to this? Don't we have to get to that? Don't we have to get to that? And so just getting that groundedness. And that was even just, I don't, was it the vulva hug or was he just holding me down,

Starting point is 00:12:13 holding my, like, it was just the grounding. It was just the hip holding. It was just, it was so. And what we're saying is like even after this work that, you know, doing it with you with a partner was amazing because on my own, we've done a lot of work together. But bringing someone else into that because I, now I'm. remember this exact moment because what it echoed to me is even though I know how important is my pleasure, how important is to receive in that moment. I thought, well, we have an agenda.

Starting point is 00:12:41 Dallie's here to help us. I want to make sure we get to my partner. Have we spent too much time grounding me in the connection practice you were learning? And it's so meta. And that's what happens. That's why therapy is so magical because you recreate scenarios that you do in your daily life, hopefully with a therapist. So in that moment, as our coach, you were like, You're doing this. This is like, are you sure you don't want more? And you gave me permission to be like, oh, yeah, no, I don't. I really need this.

Starting point is 00:13:07 And then we took more time for me to feel more grounded. So many minutes. And we were just with your hips. Before we even got to genitals. It was just the hip holding. And we saw your whole body soften. And I looked at him and he looked at me. We were like, wow.

Starting point is 00:13:20 And you were just like radiating this relaxation. And so think about that in a sexual connection or something. Or somebody's going down on you. Like, let's bring this back to this. Then you're like looking at the clock. How long is he going to be there? Then do I have to stay there? When it's my turn, do I have to do this many minutes.

Starting point is 00:13:39 What's the agenda? What's the sex agenda? And then what are you not doing? You're not being present. You're not feeling the pleasure. So for real embodiment to happen and real, like, building all of this arousal cycle, it's like giving that focused time. Yes, your number one want to receive this.

Starting point is 00:14:00 and that you are able to actually be present and receive. But that is a big thing that many women write to me like, I can't receive. I can't receive. I mean, we did a lot of exercises this week that people can find on the smartest sex membership. You actually taught some of these grounding techniques that people can do on their own. So thank you for doing that. And everyone can check that out. Join us in the membership because it was a good time.

Starting point is 00:14:23 So Dali and I met 10 years ago doing somatic training together. and I thought, how do, it almost felt like, how do I bring this to my listeners? How do I explain this on, before we were doing video? How do I explain how to be embodied? But it's always like we've tripped ourselves. We're like, it's a felt experience. You can't keep talking about something all the time. Like you keep talking about this amazing trip to France and what you did and what you

Starting point is 00:14:50 ate and the croissants and the Eiffel Tower. But until you're actually there and you're feeling it and you're seeing it, and that's very much what embodiment is. You're reminding me of a really great session I had a few weeks ago with a client in Nashville. So we'd been doing a lot of foundational embodiment stuff. We even did a vulva and vaginal mapping where I administered the touch to her. And she was not feeling a lot of things down there. And she kind of was feeling a little disheartened.

Starting point is 00:15:16 But I gave her my remediation plan, you know, so that she can start to bring in more sensation in her body. And she did have an actual surgery near her tailbone. So she's like, oh my God, did I cut off sensation because do I have nerve damage and all of this kind of stuff? So I said, you know what? You know, next time we're going to do an anal mapping and understand what's going on with your, we'll do some remediation on your scar tissue back by your tailbone to like bring in and see what we can notice. But before we do any more mapping, I want you to actually feel sensation and pleasure in your body. So we scheduled what I call a tumessence massage, which is like a sensual.

Starting point is 00:15:56 massage where we're, we're, I'm touching and exploring like her legs, the back of her knees, you know, the inner thighs, the neck, the back. So she's on her belly first and I'm doing the whole back, the back, the side bodies. And then we flip her over. And at the end, we incorporate some genital stuff, but it's not even about that. It's like bringing in this full body, like sensation and arousal into your body. And she said something really key. She got sad, up on the table and she was just like glowing and radiating and I said you know what are you noticing and she said all of the years of therapy and me thinking that I was broken just went out the window she says I have never felt so cared for and so nurtured and my body feels so alive and I feel so many

Starting point is 00:16:50 things and I didn't know I could feel this way and so it's this aspect of of literally touch. We are humans. We are mammals. We need touch. I mean, it makes me really, it makes me emotional because I think I all, I too, I think I crave touch. Like, I think about like love languages. Acts of Service is such a love language for me. But touch is, I don't think I got it enough. Like I, my mother was a single mom, busy this, that, but there was my one aunt, actually, two of my aunts, my Aunt Bella and my auntie Stella. Like they just, they just, they just, I wanted to hold you and just love you and just pet your hair. And I just, you know, you crave that.

Starting point is 00:17:31 So it's like the things that you crave, you want to give back. So like when I hold the space for my clients, it's like nourishing them and giving them that. And then they're starting to feel linking it to the sensual and the sexual because that's what they're there for. But first of all, it's like healing these other things. So when she said all these years in therapy where I felt broken and I don't feel that now. The problem with sex is that we jump, we jump right to the sex and touching the generalism. What you're talking about is a true awakening because a lot of us have kind of shut up our nerve endings. Our nervous systems are so fraught that we actually can't feel anymore.

Starting point is 00:18:13 And so you're talking about awakening just all the receptors so we can feel everything everywhere. We're so living this life of being on our technology and our computers and we're not sometimes touching anyone or really connecting with. anybody. And this is why we have this, one of the reasons we have this epidemic of loneliness coupled with not having touch or connection, coupled with AI taking over everything. Like it's really makes me feel like the foundational thing is we can all give ourselves touch. Like I love that you showed that we could just do this, right? We can do this to ourselves as we could. It's really important to think about adding in this idea of one-way touch sessions where you can truly just receive.

Starting point is 00:18:55 Yeah, let's talk about that one-way touch and how that could people, and maybe an easy way or a useful way people could bring that into their own relationships. It's this idea. I think with schedules, wouldn't it be nice for each of us to receive a one-way touch per week? But with everybody's schedules, it's a little high expectation. So I say one week, once a month. So if you're in a partner to relationship, one of you is the guest.

Starting point is 00:19:25 giver, one of you is the receiver. And it's the giver's job to plan the time. You agree to the time, but to plan the setting. So you're not coming home like, oh, where's the massage table? Where's the sheets? No. Or setting up like pillows and all the yummy things in the bed. I remember one time you said, my love language is to have my sex toys charged and cleaned, ready to go. So then your partner would know like to bring out your favorite things and to have all the, all the, all the, all the, all the, all the, all the niceties out. candles on, the music on, creating a new playlist. You could make a bath for somebody. That's one of my favorite things. And then at the end get a special lotion and just say, I made you a bath. I'm going to just apply the lotion so that you're massaging and touching. It's this idea of

Starting point is 00:20:12 bringing in touch and not having this expectation that then your needs and your arousal so that the person can feel that nourishment and that healing. This is when sexual touch and sensual touch can be healing when there's no expectation to return the favor. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. You and your partner, you adjacent, if you will. Well, I'm in like a new renaissance, actually, these last few months. Like, see, do you remember when we were kids and this game, hungry, hungry hippo?

Starting point is 00:20:54 Yeah. Okay. So like what's been happening for me lately is like, hungry, hungry pussy. What happened? I started these HRT like pellets, this hormone replacement therapy pellets. And so my testosterone was 21 and it shot up to 480. And now they want to bring it down. But Emily?

Starting point is 00:21:18 They're like, don't. I had so much compassion for what men feel because I was like, oh my God, Jason, you're not going to believe this. And I'm such a sensual, energetic. Like sex for me can or cannot happen. I can just get off with all kinds of. other things and not with penetration. But I was like, I really want to fuck. Like, I really need this. And so this whole thing of hormones. And because now there's this all this myth about what it does

Starting point is 00:21:47 to you, but there's new studies and new reports that it actually is going to help, especially women with like not having dementia, not having these things because we need these hormones. So I'm in, I've been in menopause for two years. I'm 53. And I didn't really. realize how lackluster I was with the hormones because I was doing all kinds of things with my, with my, with my, with all my training, all my embodiment. Parymenopause, just so you all those can last for up to 10 years for many women. It can be like age 40, what is it, 42 to 52 is the perimenopause. And that's when they're finding that homeromor replacement therapy is helpful for the

Starting point is 00:22:24 majority of women, whether or not you have history of cancer, breast cancer. But menopause is the stage where you don't have a period for a year. So I just want to defy it. But it's a struggle. It can be the struggle bus trying to figure out. And what happened to me, so perimenopause was all these emotional ups and downs. But come the new year, I just had a lot of atrophy and things felt like smaller. Like things were shrinking.

Starting point is 00:22:47 And your vagina. Yes. And let me tell you, if Jason can get in there, he was like, wow, this is like amazing. But it wasn't feeling so good to me. And when I got on the HRT pellets, it actually balanced everything out. Oh, my God. And so I was, that's what I'm saying. I'm feeling like I'm in this like new phase.

Starting point is 00:23:03 I feel like young again. And Jason's loving it. How does your sex life, like, well, now you've got the HRT, which is amazing. But how would you say it looks like now 15 years in? Well, he and I made a conscious choice. This is both of our second marriages. And we made a real conscious choice that we were going to keep sex and intimacy high up. So it literally has to be a choice.

Starting point is 00:23:24 I love this kind of expression. I love the sensuality. it also does feed into a little bit of what I would call my core erotic theme, which I want to talk about in a little bit. But like Jason and I made it a priority. So even if somebody's not feeling something, then we're still planning and doing something that's maybe feeding the other person. So I was like, Jason, what was I like sexually before I did all this training? And he's like, Dolly, he's like, the way you express yourself, you were already very embodied. And I was thinking, how did I get to be that way?

Starting point is 00:24:06 And I really think I had a lot of long-distance boyfriends. Okay. So I had a lot of practice, like masturbating long-term and discovering my own body because I didn't have somebody in person. So who I had were my own hands. So I learned a lot of embodiment stuff on my own, like from a long time ago. But when I did my training, I started to realize there were some things that I was doing where I was hijacking my own body. Okay.

Starting point is 00:24:32 And so we had to go through like a new learning where Jason, all of Jason's sexual needs were not getting met. And I had to like heal my sensual needs and these other needs that I had. And I was like, wow, there are some things with sex that I wasn't ready for. And that, and he said there was a little bit more stopping. And I've had to learn how to get the readjustment. So like a good example. Okay. Give you an example.

Starting point is 00:25:00 So, okay, I was getting on the plane to come to California this week. And I had, I was packing and then I had a call about something of my mom's cancer that I'm going to be traveling to go tend to that. So I got in a mood. And we had been busy. But again, because we wanted to prioritize, I'm not going to see you for a week. I was like, Jason. I was like, I don't think I can just go and have sex. Like, I literally am not in the mood.

Starting point is 00:25:28 But you know what I really need? I need to get out of my head. Can you set up the bed and with the under like bed handcuffs and do the whole thing? He's like, I got it. And he knew exactly what to do. He knew what blanket to go get. That once my body gets on the blanket, I just like, oh, there it is. So I jumped in the shower and I just wanted to not think.

Starting point is 00:25:50 He knows putting a blindfold on me, starts to calm my. mind. So he ties me up and then he just starts touching. He just starts bringing in touch. And then he started to go down on me and he was feeling so great. But then I was getting that craving, right? The hungry, hungry pussy vagina. I'm like, wait, I want something in me. So I was like, oh, I really want your finger in me. So then he was like, he's like, okay, he puts his finger in me. But he puts his finger in me. I'm like, whoa, no, not like that. He's like, oh, but that's what you want. I was like, No, no, no, no, just at the entrance, just kind of tease it, just like kind of going. He's like, oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:26:27 And then he readjusted. In the past, especially when we were learning these things, he would get a bit defensive. Oh, I'm not doing it right. Oh, I'm not this. And so now we've moved to a place. And if I need to make adjustment for him, it's like, oh, thank you for telling me. It's more of like, thank you because we want our partner to feel good. And so he said, okay, let me readjust my body.

Starting point is 00:26:49 And he came from a different position from kind of like at the top angle down, like using his tongue that way. And then he used his finger kind of coming up under. So he is teasing the entroitus, which is the opening of the vagina. And we also have, I don't think people know this. We have what's called a prostate head. So just on the edge, right on the upper top, you can feel like another like high. It is a prostate. Yeah, it's a female.

Starting point is 00:27:15 But you have to, what we're talking about is I could just show it like in the one finger. It just, it doesn't matter if that part doesn't show. Just going in the inside. Yeah, it feels billowy on the inside. For many, the penis is going in and that should feel good. It might, but for many, it might not. And so what we're talking about is the finger going right in, here's like, it's just going right. Carving, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:38 And applying pressure to the, towards the pelvic floor. Towards the 12 o'clock, towards your belly button. To it's your belly body. Yeah. Right here, you guys. It's like there's a women have a tissue there that feels great when simulated. I'm very much the same way. That is my spot.

Starting point is 00:27:57 Once I'm aroused, turned on. It's right here. It's a little bit at the entrance. Yeah, not that. But it can be. But in this moment. In this moment for Dahlia for me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:09 It's not that. Yes. She's abusing me with this, VOLVA. Sorry, VOLVA. I just get so like, I just want to understand that. I know. So this is an example of knowing what you need and want. In the past, I would have been like, oh, I just came. You're turned on because I'm turned on. Yes. Put your cock in me. Let's go. And I was not ready for that. I was still like in the bliss of my pleasure. And then having that connection for my husband and him able to like ask. Well, you know, I said, oh no. Then he populated the menu. What if I just lay on you and I can put my menu?

Starting point is 00:28:47 You do other things on the menu that you might want. Usually we have nothing on the menu. Penetrate, jaculate. Yeah. And so then when I like chilled out and calmed down, I was like, oh my gosh, this is feeling really good. I am now so ready to give to you, what would you like? And he's like, well, since we kind of got into your prostate, I was like, oh, you want some prostate stimulation. So we did this whole thing where he likes a little bit of the prostate and then like a hand job.

Starting point is 00:29:16 Okay. But we first interact with the prostate. And as soon as I make contact with it with my finger, then he's like, oh, I can feel the blood. I can feel the prosthetic fluid moving. Do you want to explain this experience? We get a lot of questions about how to see it at the prostate. So do you want to slow down and explain that?

Starting point is 00:29:32 So first, before you stick any fingers in, you are kind of massaging at that perineum right underneath the testicles. I'm getting lube. I also, I don't know if it's because I'm a practitioner. I wonder if other practitioners do this. But when I go inside my husband's anus, I do put on the glove. And I use my other hand without a glove to work on his cock. But to me, it's just, I don't know, which just makes it easier.

Starting point is 00:29:56 So I start also massaging his anus. But if I'm not going to go inside, that doesn't matter. I know my hands are clean. The glove doesn't matter. Yeah, the glove doesn't matter. But I knew I was going to go inside. So I'm massaging the anal sphincter and just kind of getting things warmed up. And like just being with him, giving a little bit of a touch, looking at him, glancing, watching his breathing.

Starting point is 00:30:14 watching his breathing and then as I'm massaging that then just saying you know let me know when you're ready for me to go in and I will put my finger and I'll say squeeze your anus so I can squeeze it and kind of feel the sphincter so I know I'm in the right spot and then there's you know kind of going in very slowly and then he's kind of adjusting his body to that he's like okay come in a little bit more come in a little bit more and so then when I connect with the prostate it feels like a little walnut and again it's towards, he was, he was kind of sitting with his back up angled, you know. So it would be, I was going up towards a ceiling, up towards the belly button, you know,

Starting point is 00:30:56 up 12 o'clock, and then kind of, again, pulling forward. So he's on his back and his, he's on a kind of sitting up, half sitting up. Okay. And I'm, I'm, on the bed? On the bed. And so I'm kind of coming up under here and I'm kind of a little bit more on my knee. Sitting next to him. He's sitting next to him, like with my leg.

Starting point is 00:31:14 legs down facing him and then adjusting my body once I start to touch his cock. But he likes to feel the stimulation only of the prostate first because then he starts to feel the prosthetic fluid going in towards the penis. And that's what that's him starting to feel arousal. It's like massaging. It's like you're milking the prostate. That's what it means. Yeah, you're milking the prostate. It starts moving the fluid. And he's like, okay, I'm ready for you to touch my cock now. So then I'm doing the hand job. And then as that starts to build arousal, then he's okay with me touching and going a little bit more intense with the prostate. And y'all, I did ask my husband if I could tell this story. And I think I want to emphasize is that what we're talking about here is more of a responsive

Starting point is 00:32:01 desire process where a lot of couples think that they are going to spontaneously both at the same time be in the mood for sex when they're in a relationship. That doesn't happen for most couples. That morning, I did not want to have sex. I did not want to have. I was in bad mood. I was like, oh, can I have another day here? Do I need to travel today? I was like not in a mood, but because we prioritized it, because we knew. And I didn't want to leave, you know, for a week and not have some connection with my husband. And then I said, you know, I don't want this, but I could use that. And we didn't end up having, like, penis and vagina. It was enough what we did. We felt so satiated, so nourished.

Starting point is 00:32:45 So this was kind of an example of a one-way touch, but where we did, you know, tip for tat, we both took turns. But again, he gave me my space to have my recovery, you know. So, so, yeah, it feels a little embarrassing. I'm noticing a little bit embarrassing. Oh, really? I mean, I understand that. Like if people are judging about it and my husband said, oh, will people, will people judge?

Starting point is 00:33:10 I was like, you know what? I'm so proud of you because we've explored this. We never explored any of this until we went to our own sexological body worker before I even discovered what this professional was. Listen, Dali, people always judge. People judge you for pleasure. Pleasure news. People judge me for sex. Let people judge you. But like this is everything I talked to you all about about being in your bodies, asking for you want, not having before I would have sex, understanding how to turn yourself on, understanding what you want in bed, understanding how to talk to your partner about it so you both get your needs met. And Dali just explained to me it was a beautiful example of couples negotiating sex, figuring out what they need, a prioritizing pleasure.

Starting point is 00:33:48 So you could all go fucking judge all you want. But usually we judge is where we, there's a glimmer, like something like, oh, I was judging. Why have a strong reaction to that? So maybe this is some work. Yeah. The thing about it is when you explore these new areas, right? You don't know, like there's this edge of like your edge. What is your edge? What are you comfortable with? What are you curious about? So again, like, I think people think that sex has to be, like, in the movies. Like, you're just going to walk into a room and, like, rose petals are going to, like, fall from the sky and the music cues in. Like, we want everything just to be automated, right?

Starting point is 00:34:25 Like, and we don't have to put in any planning in preparation. And I don't know if I've said this on one of the former podcasts, but it's worth repeating. Everybody thinks that sex, like when you first started to date somebody, was so spontaneous. Yeah, there was, you know. There was newness. You never saw somebody, this person naked before, whatever. But there was nothing spontaneous about that. It's the same thing with long-term relationships.

Starting point is 00:34:49 Yesterday, when I had a break from doing our other stuff, I went into trashy lingerie. And I went and bought. It's a great store in L.A. I went and bought this sexy Octoberfest outfit. I don't need to do this. But I want to surprise him. I'm doing the extra effort. That's the thing about like this whole spontaneous, you know, sex.

Starting point is 00:35:09 desire or responsive? Number one, with responsive, are you a yes? Are you a yes to experiencing something new? So you have to have some consent. Like, yeah, I do want you to touch me. Yeah, I do want experiences. Are you how, what is pleasure? What is your relationship with pleasure? How are you bringing an embodiment to enhance your pleasure? How are you, what is your focus? You know, are you in a private setting? Are you, you know, are the kids, you know, with a babysitter, like all of that kind of stuff? And then learning what your body needs. Like, how much time do you like? Are you the microwave or are you the oven? Do you know, do you need to preheat the oven? Sex isn't going to be this perfect movie thing. There's going to be some clunkiness. And sometimes

Starting point is 00:35:59 taking those one-way touch sessions to like, let's see what I want. So it's like, it's like a lab. You're like just trying things out. So then now, fast forward to the story that I just explained with Jason and I, we know what works. And it's never the same. It's always different each time. But it's like part of our menu. Thank you for sharing all this. Oftentimes my listeners that my goal is a loob on every nightstand. I think that's very important to have loob. It enhances every sexual situation. If you had a magic wand, which I know you actually probably do, but sex toy aside, if you could get everyone to do one thing, what would be in your wish list? To increase your experiences with full body touch. I think it's really missing. I think getting that experience of touch. And if you don't

Starting point is 00:36:50 have a partner to practice touch, this is where the my embodied, like, the things that we started to do in your smart sex. Smart SX membership. Dali has been here for a week and we've been creating some incredible content that can help people learn how to do the touch that we're talking about. Yeah, and activating full body touch of yourself and then even prioritizing like going to massages. And deep tissue massage is one thing, but then maybe even finding somebody who really specialize in kind of like a more yin, feminine touch so that you can start to feel that like access or, again, finding a local sexological body worker to do one of these beautiful tumessence kind of sensual, like just awakening the body, awakening the nerve endings. We need more touch.

Starting point is 00:37:38 Yes, I love it. Okay, Dallie, this is a, we're going to play a little bit of this or that. Just choose the first one that comes to your mind. Okay. Okay, lube or lick? Lick. Spontaneous adventure or planned dinner date. Spontaneous adventure, and that's kind of the opposite of me. Chocolate or cheese? Not fair. These are my two favorite things. I'm sorry. It's hard. Cheese. I'm a little mouse. Bight or scratch. Bites. Oh my God. I love good biting. Tied up or tie up? I like being tied up. Leather or feather.

Starting point is 00:38:06 Touch me with a feather, but let me smell some leather. I love it. Quicky or just oral? Oral. Clitoral or vaginal orgasm. Oh, I love my deep vaginal orgasms. And there's so many, too. Not just one.

Starting point is 00:38:21 There's multiple ways to orgasm vaginally. Thanks, Dolly. Now I have some questions from, this is somebody from our listeners and part of our membership. This is from Christy. She said, this past week has been so helpful to me. I love the live stream workshops and the Q&A's. It's been very informative and most importantly personal. Dolly was a cherry on the top.

Starting point is 00:38:43 Her energy is inspiring. I've been struggling with being in my body for as long as I can remember, and you both made the practices seem very easy to incorporate in my day to day. How long did it take Dolly to make her embodiment practice stick? It's fun to start new things, but I find it hard to consistently come back to it. Thanks for everything you've done so far. Emily and team. You inspire me every day.

Starting point is 00:39:05 So it's a bit of an ebb and a flow because sometimes I'll be really into my practice and then sometimes I get out of it. Okay. So, but in the beginning when I was first starting with the practice, and like, let's say specifically when I was doing my sexological body work training, I would say it takes at least a month to a couple of months. Okay. Because if you're not going to do something every day, but you make a commitment like three or four days a week, or you have a longer practice on the weekend if you have more time after work, but it's like showing up for yourself.

Starting point is 00:39:41 So what ends up happening is from the body anger to the vulva hug to activating your whole body or doing some embodiment work before masturbation or before partnered interaction, getting in that practice, your body will start to crave it. So they always say, I mean, this is, they always say like 21 days to get a new practice. Okay. So you're moving through habits. You're trying to break the habits of just grabbing the vibrator and just putting it in and getting the job done. Okay. We all know our go-to of how we can just quickly get off. But how can you just take a little bit more time to spend with your body?

Starting point is 00:40:20 Because you're going to start to realize your body is craving your attention. I led this client in some vulva hugging and tracking what was showing up for her. And when I asked her, does your vulva have a message for you? And she stayed quiet for a moment and then she said, she's saying, I've been craving this. I've been so lonely. I'm glad you're here. I've been really wanting your attention. Our bodies want our attention.

Starting point is 00:40:54 We are craving and longing to be held in love by somebody. Well, your body is also actually craving that from you first. So look to see where you are abandoning your body to go and prioritize other people and coming back to your body. So when you think about that, or think about even yourself, like your little self, like, your little self, like, tending to your needs, not even the sensual or the sexual needs, just the emotional needs of, of, holding and hugging that, you know, what I was talking about, the hug maintenance, the dancing, the touching, the beautiful bubble baths, just finding places where you can find embodiment that it's not a practice. If bring embodiment to your day-to-day life, then it becomes easier.

Starting point is 00:41:43 Slow down when you eat. Don't just bite a piece of chocolate, that whole chocolate cheese thing. Like, like, smell that stinky cheese. Let those like that feeling in your mouth. Smell the chocolate. Let it melt on your tongue. Don't chew it. Slow everything down and find moments of embodiment so that it's not like I'm going to sit

Starting point is 00:42:05 here and do a, you know, 20 minute vulva hug embodiment meditation where people get tuned off to that. It really is about the integration into your everyday life. Like saying like, okay, I've noticed that I haven't even noticed anything I've done today. I don't remember driving from home to work. I don't remember. I was just not embodied. So even just after you know these practices, you can just say even for a second today, for these next 20 seconds I'm going to breathe or I'm going to notice my senses around me. I'm going to smell the candle. I'm going to look at the lights. I'm going to, you know, see how I feel and where my feet are. My feet are on the ground. Like just all these practices of just being present. Eventually when you realize you are feeling disconnected or disassociated from yourself, your body will your body will be telling you that you're craving it and that you are, you know, seeking. these this kind of practice. It will tell you when you stop doing that though. Because like it's this whole thing. I have this thing about thirst. If you stop drinking like a lot of liquid, the whole like

Starting point is 00:43:05 thirst mechanism, your body won't make you crazy like to keep telling you you're thirsty. You will like actually get away with drinking less liquid. But if you start drinking more liquid like if you start exercising, then your thirst mechanism like awakens. Your body's, like, hey, wait, what? Or you might have some sort of response where you get frozen or shut down or emotionally. This is when Jason helps me. He'll put on like the Mariah Carey all I want for Christmas song. Like, I don't care what time of year it is. If he sees me like in this something frozen for whatever I'm going through, he's like, oh, I know what you need. And he plays a song. And I freaking can't help it. I just like start moving. And the other thing that works for me to is Led Zeppelin, I will have to say.

Starting point is 00:43:50 So you know the things that you need to pull yourself back into your body, to bring yourself back into your body, yes. So embodiment is a practice, but we all, even me, get out of practice or something shows up and then it just goes away for a few days or a few whatever. It's like, wow, man, I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like the pleasure mews. Christy, if you can do some sort of embodiment for four breaths a day, just put your hand on your heart, put your hand on your belly, just breathe.

Starting point is 00:44:20 and connect, tell yourself you love yourself, put on a song, put on, the other thing, do one song a day, something that inspires you and just gets you going. Like that you just want to move your body and you feel joy, you feel pleasure, you feel maybe there's a song that you feel really sexy and then you move your body differently. Like find one thing. What are you focusing on now? What are you excited about in your work? I am excited about these private retreats that I'm doing.

Starting point is 00:44:50 in Nashville. Beautiful high-rise apartment. Coubles fly in or drive in and they stay there. I've also had single women come in and do their own work. It's really beautiful. I come in during the day and we do our in-person sessions. So I'm really, really excited about that. How can people find you to do all that? Apleasuremuse.com. Okay, great, dolly. So fun. You can find Dali at our Instagram count. It's Pleasuremuse and her website is pleasuremuse.com. She's got some great retreat. Treats coming up, relationship, reboot retreat, curated private retreats for couples in the heart of downtown Nashville. So you can revitalize your essential and sexual relationship

Starting point is 00:45:28 and learn lifelong pleasure skills. We did some great exercises for our smart SX community, which I so appreciate. And if you all want to join that community or check it out, you can go to sex with Emily.com slash a membership where you can do some of the practices, some Dallie's unique practices, just for a few minutes a day, feel the experience of being in your body.

Starting point is 00:45:50 if only for a few seconds. And I think a lot of this is going to make more sense and you're going to have more pleasure in your body for sure. Thank you so much, Dolly, for being here. Oh, it's always my pleasure. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe,

Starting point is 00:46:13 and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

Sex With Emily - Your Body Is Craving Your Attention

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