Sex With Emily - Your Guide to Sexting

Episode Date: March 12, 2022

A great sext is all about anticipation…kind of like foreplay: And as the 21st century way to talk dirty, sexting — when executed well — can be super hot. Sexting is an art form, and in this show, I give you pro tips for perfecting yours. Because let’s face it: randomly sending a bunch of squirting emojis might not be as sexy as it is confusing, for the person on the other side. As with everything in life, good sexting comes down to emotional intelligence, so let’s talk shop. This episode is designed to help you send your best sext, and excite the person receiving your message. Plus, I take your questions! How to start flirting online, how to manage your devices so your messages don’t accidentally end up in the wrong place and how to have good phone sex in a long distance relationship. Finally, the Sex With Emily community has delivered, and I’m sharing YOUR hottest sexts.Show Notes:Talk Dirty To Me w/ Joanna AngelSignal MessengerWhat’s app Amorus AppWe-Vibe Toys Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Embrace the three dots. Think about it. One of the best parts of sexting is watching other person type, wondering what they're going to say next. Even a sext that's super simple like I'm kind of surprised waiting for you. Build anticipation and a rousal. You don't have to say what that surprise is, but you definitely got your partner's attention. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

A great sex is all about anticipation, kind of like foreplay, and as a 21st century way to talk dirty, sexting, when executed well, can be super hot. Think of sexy like an art form. Well, in this show, I give you pro tips for perfecting yours, because let's face it. Randomly standing a bunch of squirting emojis, it might not be as sexy as it is just confusing, for the person on the other side, for sure. As with everything in life, good sexing comes down to emotional intelligence.

So let's talk shop. This episode, it designed to help you send your best sex yet and excite the person receiving your message. Is that the point? Plus, I take your questions like how to start floating online, how to manage your devices so your messages don't accidentally end up in the wrong place, and how to have good phone sex in a long distance relationship. Finally, the sex with the Emily community has delivered. And I'm sharing your hottest sex.

All right, intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention for the show. How can the show help you? What do you want to learn from it? My intention is to help you sex with confidence. Listen, this is a new skill we're learning, and by we, I mean all of us, because smartphones haven't been around for that long.

So listen to this episode, enjoy the tips, then go try them for yourself. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen. My new article, Eight Ways to Amp Up Your Sexting Game, is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me a question or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 55.598255739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And you can change your name or remain anonymous, not a problem. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. I've got some great questions from you this week on sexting, but before we get into them, I also asked you the sex of the only community for the hottest sex you've gotten. Thank you so much for sending those in, and stay tuned because I'm going to share some of those later on in the episode. So let's talk sex.

Remember they're personal. You guys decide what you want to say. You can plant the seed for something you want to happen in the future, which is great for testing out a fantasy. See how it feels, see how it's received by your partner. Or you can just reference something you've already done together in the past. If you need to inspo, here's an easy rule. Sex, your past, and future.

For past, just draw in a recent sexual experience, pulling out the details you love most, and for the future, describe something you'd love to do to them or have them do to you and mean it. Okay, you want to mean what you're asking for here. You could start by sexing a fantasy and then incorporate that into a little dirty talk. So a good way to warm things up is to describe a fantasy that involves them.

So it's like a preview. You could say something like, I get so turned on when I think of you going down on me. Or it's so hard to think about you tying the up and spanking me. Or maybe you're too a fantasy where you're being dominated. You could say, you know, I did something really bad. You might have to spank me. Another approach is to refer to something that happened to you in the past. You can all do that, right?

I can't stop thinking about you putting your hand at my shirt. I was so turned on. Or maybe you saw something together in a movie and you could be like, oh, that scene when they were in that dark alley having sex in the car. Like, that scene when they were in that dark alley having sex in the car, like that was so hot. Even the sex that's super simple, like I've got a surprise waiting for you. Build anticipation and a rousal.

You need to say what that surprise is, but you definitely got your partner's attention. Another message could be a command. I'm in charge tonight, and I'm gonna tear your clothes off the second you come through the door or give a compliment Because who does love compliments? Something like I love putting my hands all over your sexy body

Sexing is also a great way to communicate things that might be more Intimidating to communicate in person. I get it It's a hard when you're face-to-face contact with a partner saying you know I really wish that you would talk dirty to me more. I really wish you would spank me So when you're sexting, you know, you're removed from it contact with a partner saying, I really wish that you would talk dirty to me more. I really wish you would spank me. So when you're sexting, you know, you're removed from it. You're not in the same room. And don't worry if it feels a little awkward at first.

It takes practice to fully find your sexting voice and your dirty talk voice all of it. But I promise you, you will. And if you want help with what the say in person, we did an amazing podcast called Talk Dirty to Me with Joanna Angel, where we both shared some great tips for talking dirty. Embrace the three dots. Think about it. One of the best parts of sexting is watching the other person type, wondering what they're going to say next. So let's use this example. I can't stop thinking about you putting your hand at my shirt. Broken down into bite-sized, sexy bits, you can write in parts.

Letting those three dots build a lot of sexual tension. Text one. I can't stop thinking about dot, dot, dot. Text two. Dot, dot, dot. You putting your hand at my shirt. Text three. Make it extra spicy,

and feeling you get hard. Dot, dot, dot. Kind of cute, right? Try this easy technique when you want to draw things out a little more, making them wait in the most painful, but erotic way possible. Their eyes will be glued to those three dots. It's the best.

And now, the nudes, your naked photos. Nudes can be a killer confidence boost, even if you never send them. So even if you're not seeing anyone right now, so what? Consider a nude photo shoot. It's a fun way to give yourself a jolt of intersecting-ness whenever you'd like. So getting the mood beforehand, but stuff that makes you feel sexy. Remember, it's all about you. So when you feel sexy, it's a lot easier to make photos that you're going to want to share.

But right now, this is for you. So maybe it's a bubble bath, a glass of wine, putting on essential music, and dancing all by yourself. Watching a little ethical porn, whatever gets you turned on. Penis owners, little masturbation to get erect. Okay. Before sending a full frontal, keep the strip T's going by sending something more suggestive at first. Underwear on, hand traveling to different parts that you can't quite see yet.

The art of taking notes about two things, angles and lighting. So look for filtered lighting rather than fluorescent, which is awful, the overhead light, or direct sunlight where there's just too much glare. The golden hour lighting right before sunset makes everyone skin look gorgeous. So find a window during golden hour and take your nudes next to that. Alright, the booty. Sit on the edge of a bed, ideally with a mirror nearby, turn over your shoulder, back arched, boot out, and snap the mirror reflection, flash off.

This is a tip from Professional Cam Girl. A mirror-free idea sets your camera up in a flattering angle, turn on video, and voila, you are hands-free. Make all the poses you want while the camera's rolling and then just screenshot your favorites. That's easy. And this tip from our intern, which is genius. Put your phone on selfie mode and hold your camera just below your booty from behind. And now you can get your booty and your body in the shot and it will make your booty look even bigger.

I mean how that goes. Oh, you can also grab a friend and have a new night. Put on your favorite lingerie set, turn on some sexy lighting and have a photo shoot. Now you'll have plenty of content for future sex because let's face it, we're not always photo-ready. You want these photos to be type-stand in the moment while you're sexing, just take a screenshot of the original photo and voila.

Finally, don't forget consent. Before using portrait mode on your nipples, ask the other person if it's okay to send them something a little spicy. You can keep it light like, hey, what are you doing right now? Wanna play a little? It's also a great time to decide where you'd like to text.

It doesn't have to happen in your actual text messages. What's happening is a cure messaging option, for example. And protect your noons. If you use Google Photos, you can store them in locked folder so that your friends or anyone else can't accidentally swipe to it. Or in Apple, you can store them in your photo albums hidden folder. Know this. Apple still allows iCloud to sync files that are in a hidden album.

But those files will say hidden on all the devices they're synced to. You can also store your photos in the notes app and password protect that note. All right, we asked you on Instagram, which is at Sex Family. What's the best sex you've received? Here we go for a little inspo. I was told she wanted to suffocate my face and penis.

Unsolicited erotic photos midday. Ooh, I like this one. A voice note of them moaning. That's hot. Pictures of my wife playing with herself. A description of the last time we'd been together, what he loved about it, just plus the memory. To be honest, an open table reservation confirmation to a

very nice restaurant. I guess restaurants is their love language. And old X and I basically wrote a romance novel back and forth to each other for years. Oh, that's hot. Another one, I want you. Legs over your head. Deep as I can. See you guys. That's the description I'm talking about. Be descriptive. That's hot. See you guys, that's the description I'm talking about, be descriptive, that's hot, and you all have these memories. You all have had sex, there's a flash or there's a moment that you remember. Describe that moment in detail. Okay, another one, a friend admitted she masturbated thinking of me and described her fantasy in detail. Sushi for dinner. Describing a slow, blow job in significant detail. My partner is describing in detail what she wanted to do to me. Then we acted it all out.

My boyfriend talked about all the things he wants to do to my butt in explicit detail. Thank you so much for sharing your best sex and what these all have in common is that they were specific and they were personal and they turned you all on. Alright, everyone, onto your questions. Okay, this is from Anna, 22 in London. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about two months now. And we've gotten to the swing of engaging in phone or face hem sex. My boyfriend is really good at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we are on the phone,

I, however, get a little quiet and don't know what to say, but I'd love to contribute. I try to think about what I want him to be doing to me, or what an experience has been like between us in the past. But I can't ever get the words out or properly do it any justice, any tips. Yes, Anna, listen, none of us are born talking dirty. At all. You know, come out of the womb being like, I can't stop thinking about your hands on my ass last night. Like no, this is practice and it's awkward. It is awkward and it's uncomfortable. So just know that.

You got to practice on your own is my first tip. Try it in the shower. Find your dirty talk voice, which is usually a little bit slower. It's more, you know, it's a little bit raunchier usually a little bit slower. It's more, you know, it's a little bit raw cheer, a little bit dirtier. You find the level that works for you and if you're not sure like, but I don't even know what to say, read a rotica. Watch porn, listen to audio rotica. Explore ways you can communicate your sexuality in your own ways and on your own terms. So think about it. Like,

what does your part or do that you like? Maybe you like the way he puts his hand on his ass. Maybe you like the way he looks naked. Think about the most memorable times you've had sex. What was happening in that moment? What did he do? What did he say? What did he look like? What did he smell like? Well tell him in your own words. You know, like I can't stop thinking about when you came in and you started to kiss down my neck and then you ripped my clothes off and then you were kissing me and went down on me or I love the way you tasted it in my mouth. You know just practice that you could write down these lines, you could journal them, you can look in the mirror and just start

to understand your voice and what to say. You can even record it and play it back to yourself. So just know, like everything, dirty talk is a practice. And now, when you're having sex with him or you're communicating or he's saying stuff, right after, start to journal, write your notes out and like figure out like, okay, what do I want to say to him? First figure out what you want to say and then you practice the voice and you're going to get this in no time. You also said you liked the way your partner talks. So what is it that he says? What do you like about the way he talks? And how can you sort

of make that your own? Alright? Thanks for your question Anna. I appreciate you. We're going to get quick break but don't go anywhere. After word for a sponsor, I'm answering email from, who needs a little help learning online. This is from Emily 29 in the United States. Hey, Dr. Emily, I recently started listening to your podcast. I'm an immediate fan. Thank you.

I'm 29 years old and I feel a little silly saying this, I'm an immediate fan. Thank you. I'm 29 years old and I feel a little silly saying this, but I have a crush on my coworker. I have no idea if he has any interest in me or even notices me. Our roles overlap and we are in small group meetings weekly. All of our reactions are virtual, zoom with cameras and on Slack primarily. Can you please share some best practices for flirting online? And how would you recommend fighting out the feelings of our mutual? Thank you so much. Alright Emily, great question. Now remember if it's just through work, like if it's Slack or your work email, your boss has access to everything that you write. So

remember you got to just get his number. So I believe you could say something like, hey I wanted to ask you a question. Can you shoot me your number? So do that. And then your fair game. I think you just set up a time to work with him in person one day. Do you guys live near each other? Could you say, hey, let's get up coffee.

I'd love to talk to you about this project. And then you could see if there's actual interest. Because it's really hard to tell over Zoom. And you want to meet in person anyway. But if you do, you can just set a playful emoji. You can say, I really like the way what you said today in that meeting. And just see where it goes from there.

But I think again, just to leave it up to texting and you work together, he might be careful too. So you can somehow find a way, has he ever said anything in a meeting like, oh yeah, I went to this concert last night. Or he likes some kind of sports. Or he has a favorite food. There might be a way that you could say, oh, I know you like Italian. There's a new Italian restaurant that opened your house, want to meet there for lunch one day or meet there for dinner.

You know, pay attention to what he says and then see if you can kind of follow up with a question that can lead you guys to make a plan. So that's I recommend Emily. Okay, let me know how it goes. This email is from Rob. Hey Hey Dr. Emily, I love your podcast and all you do. Thanks so much for providing so much. My question for you today is how do we keep things enticing our flirtatious to keep up with the foreplay and the sexting and the messaging integrations. What I mean by this is most smart phones integrate with tablets and computers very often. When you have young children at home who might also use these devices how do we keep it private? We try using different codes like emojis but they

catch on real quick. They're like, Dad why'd you send mom and eggplants again? Is there a certain type of privacy setting or new type of code that parents use to keep things exciting and back and forth with texting? Okay well there's one that Tali and our team recommended for you. And she said, if you have Apple products, go into your settings and sign out of your I message account. And that way your phone text won't automatically sync and display on your computer. So she had to awkwardly figure this out when they were syncing and watching a family movie and her sex kept popping up on the computer

where her entire family was watching something. So she had to learn this. So that's for eye message. You can also use more secure messaging platforms that are not connected to Apple, like Snapchat or WhatsApp or Signal. Signal is secure messaging. It's one of the only apps that has its privacy

preserving technology. So in terms of never risk of sharing moments or sending message to a non-intended recipient, you can also set up disappearing. I've used these apps before, WhatsApp as well. So I would probably try WhatsApp or Signal for you and your wife. I would recommend those, the easiest to use. They're free. They're pretty intuitive.

And kids aren't't gonna get sexed in the middle of the day, which no one wants that. One more thing, there's an app called Amorous AMORUS, and it's a relationship with Intimacy app, and I just heard about it, it says, it makes couples more delicious. It has games and chats from our private, more skilled, and more creative fun.

So you can download that at the Apple Store, AMORUS, don't really know much about it, but can you recommend it, so check it out. All right, Rob, I love it. You're married and everyone kids and you're still sexting because never let that stop. This is from 26 in South Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend I've been together

for two years now and we're doing long distance. We have been since the beginning of our relationship. We lived nine hours apart, but teach other once a month. Since we're not together a lot, we explore with sexting. In the past month or so, I've seen a significant increase in how well she's masturbating. He's masturbating at least once a day, sometimes twice a day, to the point where I'm getting confused, because he's going to do this and then we're actually together so that he won't even finish. Do you think this is an issue or something I need to be concerned about?

Sometimes I feel like Ollie does a sex to me and he's becoming a dick to it. I haven't said anything because I like this pleasure himself, but it just got to be so much I don't know what to do. Thanks. Alright, thanks for your question and I get this a lot you guys. We are concerned about our partner's masturbation habits. Now once, twice a day, pretty typical. For a lot of penis owners, they're going to masturbate once a day.

And that's fine. Usually when we know that there's a problem with masturbation, it's when there's consequences. When you realize that he can't get up for work anymore. Or, you know, like you said here, he's not even finishing with you. Now that is just something that you might want to talk to him about and just say, hey, is this something that's happened before? like tell me more about you not finishing? Rather than like holding it in and that wanted to say anything like maybe you could also link it back to oh Yeah, I guess maybe I've been masturbating too much because only really he knows if there's a consequence from it

I'm wondering you've been together for two years and now you're doing long distance Do you have plans to be in the same place at any time because you're 26 years old and I'm just wondering, like I always want to reinforce people in long distance relationships. And it's important to know that there's a time that you're going to be back together in the same place. Otherwise, like you're just on the phone all the time

or you're sexting or you're, which is nothing wrong with that. But when that becomes a whole relationship, you want to make sure, well, oh yeah, we're gonna be back together again in six months or a year from now. But if it's just an ongoing, long distance thing and you're in your 20s, which I think is a wonderful time to figure out who you are and what you want and who you are as a sexual

being, I want you to take a look at that. But have like a FaceTime date where you explore some things together. You talk about your sex life. You talk about what you guys are into. You talk about as masturbation practice, you talk about your sex life, you know, do our yes-to-maybe list, start to expand and explore like, what can you guys do when you're together that can make your sex life hot? You can even just say to him, I love hearing your texts, make it kind, like I love hearing

from you about masturbating and I love when you flirt with me and sex with me. But I realize that lately it seems that it's been a lot more. And I'm wondering how that feels to you. And to see what he says. Talk about it. What a good opportunity if you're not in the same city together to be able to practice having conversations that are awkward and can be challenging.

So many of us never had these conversations with partners. We just hope we're gonna figure it out. We hope that they're going to go away. But the issues never go away. You always got to talk about it and get on the same page. And listen, I think it's important to know what is going on when you are not with him, with his penis, with his thoughts, all the things. This is from Brooke 23 in Washington, DC. Hey, Doc. Don't leave my boyfriend. I DC. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend. I just started doing long distance after a year of dating. Long story short, he has to move across the country indefinitely for family reasons.

He loves to sex and can be in the mood for dirty talk any time, day or night. For me though, it takes a lot more to get me interested and focus on sexing. Do you need advice for how I can be better about getting in the mood and keeping our sexual flame? Alright Brooke, first I'm sorry your boyfriend moved away indefinitely that sounds really tough I hope you somehow get clear on a time that he's going to come back and be in the same place. And also it's big sense that you're not raring to go with sexting 24-7. I don't really know anyone who is. So you get to also set the parameters here about when you want to talk and what feels right who is. So, you get to also set the parameters here about when you want to talk and what feels right for you.

What are you doing right now to keep your own sexual flame going? Are you masturbating? Are you exploring? Are you fantasizing? Are you figuring out what feels good to you? Are you thinking about your partner when you are? Because maybe you could share some things with him.

Like, you can even write some of these things ahead of time. So, next time you masturbate or you think about them, so open up your notes app in your phone or whatever you use to take notes. And just write down like, we're thinking about how great it feels to kiss you or that time you went down to me or the time we had sex at your mom's house

and she almost walked in or like, whatever the memories are that you have about your sex life, just start jotting them down. And listen, when you're sexting someone, you can write about something that's happened in the past, something you would happen in the future, something that's happening in the moment. So most of you're asking me here,

brook, about how to get in the mood. Maybe you need more of a connection with him. Like I get these with his parents, and he says, parents house, that is not ideal situation, but can you set a time like eight o'clock tonight, we're both going to FaceTime, we're going to have like a virtual date. So you actually can see him and you can kind of turn each other on, you can connect with him.

It's really hard just to keep sexy to someone that you're not seeing. You get to figure out ways that you want to connect with him and maybe you need to see him. You can only sex for so long without actually seeing someone's face. So I want to make sure you guys are doing some of that, some of that virtual connecting. Right now it's actually a good time to be along this in this relationship, like this time and that we are in this in 2022, because there's so many opportunities for it now, like there's so many apps where you can date virtually where you can use video function, you can use sex

toys now that you can partner control across the world using like a wee vibe. They have the We Connect app. So your partner could literally control a toy from a room next to you across the world. You can do the same. There's a lot of different great like card games where you can ask each other questions so you can deepen your intimacy and you can figure out like, try to figure out your turn-ons and you can get closer that way and the technology is such that you can actually see your partner and when you do, that might be enough. So I'm feeling like you just might need to kind of flip this and say, I don't want to be sexting 24 or 7. What I do want is I want more of these deep, soulful, intimate connections where I see

your face and we're on WhatsApp or on FaceTime and we are really connecting. And maybe less is more here. So it's okay, you get to decide as well what works for you. And Brooke I don't want you to put pressure on yourself here that you are doing something wrong that you need to be responsive to what your partner wants because we all have our own sexual rhythms and we all have different ways that we want to connect with partners and so he's at home. Maybe his parents are driving him crazy and he's like I'm texting you 24-7 I'm texting you. It's okay for you to get such your own rhythm and

routine and he's going to respect you for it as well. I promise. This is from anonymous 40 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, my husband, Chi-Dem, if the coworker three years ago. Now there's a new lady he's been come friendly with and it makes me uncomfortable. We talked about this. He said he understood it when stopped talking to her. I found evidence on his phone that he is not stopped talking to her and feels so betrayed. Am I just suffering from extreme jealousy or do I write to be upset? I've completely devalued and not loved. Thanks, Dr. Emily. I love the show. Yes, anonymous, you've every right to be upset and feeling betrayed, especially after three years ago, there was an incident. Listen, we don't just automatically repair a relationship, just because someone cheated,

it's not like, well time is going by and I shouldn't, I should trust them now. No, you guys need to do some deep work. You need to go on a therapy together, you need to understand the cheating, what happened, why it happened, and there's a lot of work to do here. So now you're being retraumatized because there's a new course that you've become friendly with and of course it's going to make you uncomfortable and then he told you he's going to stop talking or any didn't. So what I'm hearing here is like this is the case of your inner husband needed to get into therapy with a trusted counselor. They can help you guys understand where is his desire coming from and him to have to be

connected with women to keep it private from you. What happened a few years ago with cheating and then you can repair? Because listen, relationships are not about perfection, they're about repair, but you have to know how to repair, you have to know how to have the conversations. What was it that drives him? What is the attention that he needs from women? What is his ego need? Like why is this happening? And you deserve answers to know what step he's going to take towards gaining your trust back.

And just because you're with him and he says, I'm sorry, doesn't mean that you're just supposed to be, oh, I'm all better and I trust you get, especially when there's evidence that he is still doing some of the same things and repeating some of the same infractions from the past. So there's nothing wrong with you, but I would do right now when you're hearing this, anonymous, get a therapist and you guys need to go once a week for the next three months. And you can also get an Zoom therapist. I'm cool with that.

But all this like, we love time. And it is the most important work you can do if you want to make your marriage work. Nothing else I can tell you is going to make it work. I'm not going to help you repair it here in one email in one call in the show. But what I can't tell you is working with a therapist is going to help. All right. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I can't wait for you to get the answers. Thanks for your email.

That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. For you, email me feedback at sexwithmleek.com.