Sex With Emily - Your Orgasmic Potential with Xanet Pailet

Episode Date: November 3, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Xanet Pailet, a sex and intimacy coach and author of the forthcoming book, Living An Orgasmic Life, to discuss how to reach your full orgasmic potential, overcome the shame/pleasure paradox, and understanding the difference between arousal and desire. Emily and Xanet also walk through a couple exercises to tap into your sexual energy–– something you can do along with them! There are a lot of useful tools and information packed into this episode, all geared towards helping you get in tune with your sensual side. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: UVee, SKYN, Womanizer, Magic Wand RC Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Jean-é Paylett, a sex and intimacy coach and author of the forthcoming book, Living in our Gasmic Life. We talk about reaching your full orgasmic potential, overcoming the shame, pleasure, paradox, understanding the difference between a rousal and desire, and we walk you through an exercise to tap into your sexual energy, something you can do along with us. There's a lot of useful tools and information packed into the show and of course it's also a good time.

Enjoy the show, all this and more. Thanks for listening. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

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And now I'm going to get to my amazing guest sitting here. I'm so excited to talk to Jeanne Paylett. Jeanne and I took class together. We did our somatica training in San Francisco last year. Jeanne has a book coming out and I loved your book Jeanne because I feel like my listeners get so much out of it because there's such practical exercises for people to improve their sex life. I'm going to get to that in a minute, but today is a former healthcare attorney. She's a sex intimacy coach and Janay lived in a sexless marriage for over 20 years.

And I think a lot of you can relate to that. We get these questions all the time. She's no longer in that sexless place and she's done really hard work. She's gotten every certification on the planet. So she can help herself and others, men and women, have better sex and relationships. And she's really passionate about working with people who are sexually disconnected, which is something

that I really want to talk about today as well, people being disconnected from their bodies. And it's a big reason why people don't want to have sex. And you help people reclaim their pleasure, transform their relationships, and welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here. And let's talk about your book,

Living and orgasmic life, heal yourself and awaken your pleasure. Great title, great book, great everything. So you wrote this book, because you were in a sexless marriage. I mean, you didn't know you were in a right book. Like it's after 20 years of, are you in the relationship for 20 years, sexless marriage? I was in a sexless marriage. I mean, you didn't know you were going to write the book. Like, it's after 20 years of, are you in the relationship for 20 years, sexless marriage?

I was, I was very, break it down. I was very, break it down. I was very, break it down. I was very, break it down. Well, Emily, I was married for 26 years. We actually signed our separation agreement on our 26th anniversary that was done purposely. Okay.

I would say a good 20 of those years was a sexless marriage. And it's not like it happened immediately. These type of things started happening kind of gradually. And honestly, I feel like I've always blamed it on my husband. But what I realized when I started doing my own work was that it was really all my own stuff. I mean, a lot of it was my own stuff, where I was just so shut down around my sexuality. Sex had always been painful for me.

So like they really physically painful. Disically painful. Like felt like a knife going into your vagina. That's how painful it felt. It's horrible. It's a condition called vaginismus. Yeah, we hear about this a lot. It's very common for wound to experience pain.

So during that time in your marriage, did you ever go see a gynecologist or try to get it checked out? It's a really good question. I had a lot of visits with, I mean, this is the other part of the problem. I had a lot of physical wounding, like I had a lot of urinary tract infections,

and I constantly had all sorts of other like yeast infections. So everything and anything having to do with sacs, sac'd. It just did. Right? It just did. And I don't know that I ever talked to not until I had a female gynecologist and I was already out of the marriage that I even bring it up.

Right? Because I think there was so much shame and embarrassment andologist and I was already out of the marriage. Did I even bring it up? Wow. Right? Because I think there was so much shame and embarrassment and feeling like I was broken. Right. Of course. I think that there's so many women who feel that way, even if they just mean that extreme and then also women just can't have orgasms or don't want sex and have low libido. And I feel like your book is just, I'd be thinking something and then you cover it. Like there's so many great tools in there.

So I mean, that's just so you were there. You were in New York. I mean, your whole story about high-profile job, you know, raising your kid, one, your son, two, two kids. Super talented, like you and your husband were like living, like on the outside, looks like the perfect life, right? People at home, well, could be wrong. It seems so happy.

Except for they're not having sex. Except that we're not having sex. So you got divorced. Yeah, we still have pain, but you separated. You know that happens, right? The marriage is just start falling apart. We were sleeping in separate beds. Like we really, we're very good,

a very good parental unit, and even like a little bit of a business unit, because you know, we did some theater work on the side, but like we were not lovers. We had no love worship relations. Right, right. So when you said, I think it's really interesting, when you just said you would blame him for everything, but we were not lovers. We had no love worship relations. Right. When you said, I think it's really interesting,

when you just said you would blame him for everything. And I think that is really common. Can you tell me some of the things? I mean, you don't have to get as specific if you don't want to. But I think that people might be able to relate to not that you were having pain, but it's more that he didn't do that. To do it. Right.

I wasn't aroused enough. I was always dry. I would, he would try to go down on me for like 45 minutes and nothing would happen. Really what happened now I know. I just checked out. I just associated, right? I really wasn't in the experience. And so I never, I really didn't have orgasms until I hit my 40s. Wow. And you know, had finally like was like,

oh, I'm gonna try this vibrator thing. When sexuality started stirring in my body and my mid 40s as I was realizing I was gonna be leaving this marriage. Okay. And then it started stirring again. It did. It did start stirring.

And then what started up? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, when I wasn't a healthcare lawyer, I was producing theater at Broadway shows in New York City, like musicals. And as part of that, I had to raise a lot of money. And so I started taking a lot of different men

with a lot of money out to launch. And I started getting some attention from them, which felt really, really weird, because nobody had told me I was pretty or I was sexy and I certainly didn't feel that way. But you should see her. Beautiful, sexy woman. Okay. Yeah. And then something just started stirring inside of me. That's all I can say. There was like, there's something missing in my life. I'm not sure what it is. I have a successful career. My kids are awesome. We have this beautiful apartment in New York City living this perfect life. But there's this piece that's so missing for me where I was so not fulfilled. It was just that's what it felt like. It felt like a star. How many years ago was that? You've been this track for? So about seven years or so?

All this you've done in seven years? Jesus, you've been busy. I can't believe it. To me, that's like a lifetime. Okay, which is great. Why you wrote? Because people can go through these experiences that you've had. You really like it.

It also seven years. And now you're having like, tantric, full body orgasms. Yeah. And ejaculating and, you know, feel a lot of pleasure and sensation. It's your husband like, hi, can we try this again? Does he know what's going on? Is it like, what the hell? I got the vaginismus, what's the deal? So the day of your book, living in orgasmic life, heal yourself and awaken your pleasure, what does that mean to live in orgasmic? I picture you like living in orgasmic life right now. Like you

probably are having one right now, but for really, what does that mean? Yeah. So for me, living in orgasmic life means that your, you know, you know what, a great orgasm is about a flow. You have these peaks and these valleys, but there's an ease to a great orgasm. You don't have to struggle, right? So to me, living an orgasmic life is living a life that has ease to it, that flows to it, where you can fully put yourself out there and do whatever it is that you feel that you need to do. Living an orgasmic life is really about being in the flow, and it happens because when we connect with our sexuality at a very deep level, it really does create a flow in our body, a flow of energy.

So let's talk about why we are so disconnected before we can talk about connecting everybody. Why are we so disconnected from our bodies? Men and women, if we can talk about, I mean, I love that you are a woman and you know your own experience. And that's why I love that a man could never have written this book. He can't have the kind of, doesn't that.

The refractory period, he doesn't have the organs, we have the whole thing. So, let's talk about this disconnect, why we shut down. Yeah. So, well, we shut down for a lot of different reasons, but I think it starts with that, you know, I say in my book that women are just pre-programmed to say no from all the messages that we received about... Because of shame, we're going to be a slut.

Shame we're going to be a slut. Exactly. All of that stuff, right? So that already makes a start with a no. That's one piece of it. A second piece that I think is really important, and it's a big difference between men and women, is that men wear their arousal equipment, their penis, their testicles on the outside of their body.

And as little boys and as teenagers, they're constantly feeling their cock and they're constantly feeling arousal. So they are much more physically aware of sensation and excitement. And oh, when I get aroused, I have a response. Right? So let's talk about the difference,

because I think this is a very confusing point for so many, I mean, I say this a lot, and the show that women are slow-cookers, men are frying pans, men get to them, like quickly women don't, and I love the way you kind of break down a browser versus desire in your book. So let's kind of explain that. This is why it happens, you know, men and women were very different. Yeah. So that your arousal actually has to proceed your desire.

That's right. For women, your arousal has to proceed your desire. Right. And we've all had that experience. Like, well, maybe I wasn't quite ready for it, but then I started getting turned on, and then it was feeling really good, and then I had an orgasm, and then my partner was done. And I was like, are you kidding? Come on, let's keep on going.

Right. And that's very typical. A little bit of a way to, I don't want sex. You don't have the desire. So another way in which women get disconnected is all of the issues around menstruation and any female problems that women have, right? We start looking at our vagina and we start looking at our whole pelvic bowl

as separate from the rest of our body, as not part of us. And so we physically disconnect. It's like, oh, it's happening down there as opposed to, oh, this is a part of me. Right. So it's so important. I mean, I talk about this all the time that when you do, we talk about this a lot of our somatic at tube, but when you do your kegletrioticizer, or you meditate, and if you don't breath, breath work is just everything.

It will help you with your stress, your anxiety, your sex life, your focus, your concentration, your health. But when you actually deliberately breathe into your pelvic floor, that is like a first step towards awakening. That's absolutely right. I just did it just now. Yeah, I feel it's really great.

It does feel really good, but it's not even like you're literally, I mean, how do you explain that? You have great exercises in the book? You have some around breathing in and out. I mean, breathing is one of the critical components of being able to awaken your sexuality, right? Because there's this great saying, the more you breathe, the more you feel.

And it happens on a lot of different levels. The more you breathe, the more oxygen you bring into your body, the more your nerve endings all over your body start firing. Most of us are not bringing nearly enough breath. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's our body. The lifelong practice. It is.

So, we eventually could become more of a habit, I guess, to breathe, which, you know, something I've always been working on. I think a lot of people don't even realize that they're holding their breath a lot. You know, sometimes they'll hear me off of like huge size. I'm like, no, I'm not stressed. I'm just remembering to breathe, you know, but I've known this for years. So it is a great factor. So that's part of it.

It's a physical part. People can start with breath. But another reason why we're also disconnected and shut down is because of a lot of trauma early experiences we've had in our life. I mean, there's just trapped emotions, right? Emotions in our body as well. In our body as well.

I mean, I talk about a woman's pelvic bowl as being her second heart and her second brain. The whole that quote out, I loved it. You say, well, woman's pelvic, do you want to if I quote you? Please. The woman's pelvic bowl, the uterus ovaries vagina, is her second heart and second brain, the source of tremendous love and wisdom, and the gateway to orgasmic life energy. It is from this place of birth and rebirth that we sow the seeds for all of our future endeavors

and deeply connect to all of our emotions, including those in the deep recesses of our brain and our body. So when I say, and we got to talk about breathing and doing your key exercises and being connected, this is what we're talking. It truly is the source of the feminine of our energy. And I've been very disconnected. I still walk around so I'm disconnected. So it's a practice, right?

In life. And that's me, you guys. I'm being very honest. So it's okay if you're still feel disconnected sometimes, but we want to wake everybody up. So you can truly be connected most of the time, especially when you're having sex. And well, I mean, hopefully you're connected in life when you're with your friends or life.

Walk through life being present and connected. But what we're focusing on now is being actually connected during sex because not only shut down, it's like you don't want sex, but a lot of people have sex or having sex and they leave their bodies, disassociate, all of that. So I think it would be fun if we didn't exercise from the book.

Let's do it. Okay, your turn. You pick. Okay, so I think we should do the sexual blueprint exercise. Okay. What does this do? So just like every house has a blueprint, an architectural blueprint with doors and plumbing, we have a blueprint that governs our relationship with sex and intimacy, but specifically with sex. And the blueprint is based on a couple of things, messages that we received as kids around sex,

early childhood sexual experiences like with playing doctor and masturbation, and then early sexual, like first actual sexual experiences. And depending upon the messages that we received, it really has an impact on our relationship with sex as an adult, because we carry that with us. Right. Right. Yeah. Great.

OK. So we're going to uncover mine. Yeah, let's uncover yours. Oh, God. All right. Let's look at some of the messages that you received from your parents about sex. And so we would want to look at, like,

did your parents kiss in front of you, were their kisses tender, or were they kind of perfunctory? Did they sort of create a sex positive kind of environment where there was some affection? Yeah, good question. There's a little bit, my parents got divorced when I was eight or nine. I probably saw them kiss a little bit, but not much.

Yeah. So I don't know about it. It wasn't a sex and negative environment, but they did get divorced. So I don't really remember that being that connected. Were there other people like, did your mother remarry? Yeah. She had boyfriend and Lisa. And that was a disaster. Well, I mean, my mom had an abusive stepdad for four years that lived with us

Six months after she got divorced from my dad and he moved in and that was but he was like physically abusive and Emotionally more emotionally. Yeah, so that was bad My parents reached married three times and yeah, so lots of challenges, right? So that makes us feel less safe, right? I never. Male-to-male relationships, right, and less confident, and not having the role models for what a healthy sexual relationship could look like. So that's part of your sexual blueprint. For sure.

In my case, my dad died when I was three, and my mom was 43, and she never never remarried and she never even dated. Wow. So she was like essentially asexual. Right. Right. And so there was. Oh, so maybe that's where some of your stuff came from too, right?

That's what you saw. Mm-hmm. See, that's interesting because I did see my mom while it on dates and start dating before, after the divorce with the second guy. But yeah, that's interesting. Okay, so from your mom, your mom was not a sexual person, your dad died before you can even remember. Totally.

Interesting. So it made me feel totally uncomfortable. And when I had my period, she could barely talk to me about it. So that's a part of the disconnect of, we have so much shame around it, right? Exactly. We don't understand our bodies.

Okay, got it. Another type of message that we receive or experience that we have or like early sexual exploration. Okay. So yeah, did you have any experiences that might have not gone as well as you would have hoped or ways in which... You know what's so interesting? So early, that's to ask about the early sexual experiences, because I really didn't have any. I mean, I, you know, my boyfriend, you know, I've had sex when I was like 17, my boyfriend of a year, but my big thing is for me, I didn't even, I didn't feel anything. I think I was very shut down emotionally, because I had a lot of trauma growing up.

And so, for me, I never masturbated, it never even occurred to me. I never even knew that there was anything to feel. And so it wasn't until I started having sex when I was in college that I was just talking to my girlfriends one day and I was saying to them, they were about sex. I'm like, I just don't get. I was like, I felt close to my boy

because I had another boyfriend at the time for two years in college and I was like, I don't get it, though. They're like, well, don't even orgasm. It was like the first time I'd heard of orgasm. You know, so I was very late, bloomer in that way, but I also feel like even after I found out what it was, I still felt that my body was just kind of shut down. Yeah. What about as a child, like, do you have memories of playing doctor or doing anything like that? I was, it's funny, because you talked about playing with a girl and you got sent home, right, when you were the kid.

And I just remember one story playing with my friend, Jennifer, in like third grade. And it's funny, because I had six friends named Jennifer. So if any of them are listening, no one will know what they are. So they are. But Jennifer, we were both been like third grade. And I remember sitting in my room

and she was like playing my boyfriend. And we took our shirts off and she put her hand on my boob. And I remember it felt good. I remember thinking, oh, that was kind of sexy and turned me on. But that's the only time I remember having any kind of like early play, which I didn't remember till I was reading your book. Yeah, often we don't remember those things. No, right. Until like you get prompted. I think it was a lot of survival mode after the age of eight to like now. And it makes sense, right? Because when you're in a you're feeling like you're in an unsafe environment and there's a

lot of trauma, right? You just are not connected with your sexuality because to be sexual you have to be vulnerable. And that's the last thing that you could possibly want to be when you're working on your life. Right. And I think that a lot of people have trauma of all different, right? Maybe we shut down for so many different reasons. So a lot of the sexual challenges that people have, men and women, are going back to this trauma that we have not healed. If one in three women of sexual

trauma, is it one in six men of sexual trauma? I think it's like one in five, one in five men, yes. And so imagine if we got to solve that. So let's keep going to do some more blueprint questions. Can I share my experience? Because I had a really intense experience, which had a huge impact on my sexuality, but I didn't realize it until I was in my 15s. Wow. Just pretty amazing. So when I was seven or eight years old, we had this dog. His name was Lucky.

He was a Yorkshire Terrier, very cranky dog. And I had a love-hate relationship with him. Mostly he was very nippy and barky and snarky and he used to hide under my bed and bite me if I tried to get him to take him out for a walk. But one thing about Lucky is that he started jumping on my bed and sniffing my pussy. And then he started licking it. And I was like seven or eight years old, right? And it felt really good. And I also knew from my earlier experience of thinking that my best friend had been, you know, left the country because we got caught playing doctor

that this was really bad. Like what I did with her was terrible. This was all the book about your foot, right? Okay, got it. This was like much, much, much worse, right? And I was always anxious every time he did it, that my mom was going to walk in. So what happened was there was this anxiety coupled with pleasure, anxiety coupled with pleasure. So then it makes sense, why pleasure, especially oral sex pleasure, with anxiety and fear.

And it was actually a learned body response. It wasn't until I started doing my own work that I was like, oh my God. You know what? It was so intense that I repressed this memory. I didn't even remember it. When it came to that, you were able to release a lot of your... This is part of healing your pain. Yeah, so part of one of the ways in which we start to heal our shame

is to normalize it and to be able to talk about it. And this was fascinating because I... It was amazing. I talked about it at a retreat and it was very hard for me to talk about it. And then somebody else came up and said to me, oh, you know, I used to let my cat rub against it. Oh, yeah, I'm sure there's so many people you hear about that stories all the time.

Right. Right, I just got a dot where I'll see what happens. But no, but right, we heard that all the time, right, I could see that, wow. What freedom you must have gotten that from that. Oh my God. I think really when that happened, it broke open the floodgates.

It was like, okay, I'm not into bestiality. I'm not sick, right? Like I was just a seven year old little girl experiencing something that felt good. Right, right? Three couples. So for all those years, that's what kind of built up to the pain

that you're actually experiencing. One of the things for fun. So that came out during one of your trainings or a workshop you were doing? It came out during a sexuality workshop that I was doing. Yeah, where we were talking about shame. Okay, Jean-Aid, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back.

We're gonna talk about the shame pleasure paradox. All too familiar. Thank you everyone for supporting my sponsors. I so appreciate you and you know that I never talk about a service or a product that I don't love that I haven't tried and that won't make your life a lot better. So thanks for listening. We'll be right back. Okay.

Let's talk about the shame pleasure paradox as it relates to sex and relationships. Okay. It's such a good fight. Well, shame, it's a huge, it's a huge thing on path, but shame is one, we're talking about a lot of the blocks that we have to having amazing sex and experiencing pleasure in our lives. And a lot of this can be traced back to shame.

I mean, I think so much of our sexual challenges lie around early shame, ongoing shame. Shame that we don't even know is such a call shame. That's right. And that's preventing us from having pleasure. Let's talk about that shame pleasure paradox, right? Because think about it as in my opinion, we were born to experience pleasure.

And you know that if you look at a little baby, right, a little innocent baby, if they get stroked when they're nursing, right, they're cooling, they're making, you know, yummy noises, like they really experience pleasure in their body with you know with nothing around it except for pure sensation right I mean they basically only experience pain and pleasure that's all that's it your kids have right little babies have so we're really born that way we're born to be pleasure animals right to we have this birthright around pleasure. But what happens is the shame that is around pleasure, especially around anything around sexuality. Could be from our parents, religion, it could be because we're a shame that what someone did to us going up,

that we just think sex is bad, we have shame. Right. And that starts getting think sex is bad, we have shame. Right. And that starts getting socialized, like we start getting socialized around shame. And so think about all of the times when you see a little girl, like I'm talking about a little girl, like a two-year-old, touching her vagina.

And what does the parent do? They swat her hand, right? So we start getting these messages really early like this. It's bad. I'm not supposed to be touching myself, right? And this is what creates shame, right, in our body, exactly. And it's insidious. Shame is so shameful that we can't even talk about the fact that we're experiencing shame,

right? Exactly. And then once we learn to talk about, obviously, it's a huge relief and the shame just goes away. That's right. And that allows us to experience so much pleasure. But that's like what we talk about a lot. It's like, why is it so?

So if we release the shame, we can experience more pleasure. And that's kind of what is preventing us from experiencing the maximum pleasure that we can actually experience in our life. Yeah. So like we have such a potential for pleasure. It's amazing. I mean, amazing potential for pleasure. That's why I love your journey because you've been on this path for seven years and you

were in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Like I think a lot of the people I know love our listeners. Like really like painful sex, which with 80% of women experience painful sex over the lifetime you experience. And now when we talk about pleasure, I feel like you're on the other end of the spectrum of like you're able to have full body orgasms, multiple orgasms, sport, the whole thing that you could not access before. And so I think that that's just really inspiring to so many people that you actually can get

there. So for women who are experiencing this pain and low the beato and low desire, I mean, there's a lot of different ways to unpack it. It doesn't mean it has to be the final chapter. And I think that you've worked really hard to get to where you're at. But I think for a lot of people, where would they start that?

And if they're like, yeah, I recognize that. I'm gonna sexless marriage. So, God, how do we start on blocking? That breath, breath is, right? Yes. Like, breath, the more breath, the more pleasure. Right, so I actually talk about this in my book that I essentially talk about four principles

to transform your sex life, right? Okay. And this is really where it starts, right? The first one is like, just have some awareness. Awareness of what's going on, just by like reading the book or reaching out to somebody, you start to have an awareness and acknowledgement of it, right? The second piece is to start to get rid of that shame, to start to work through it.

And it's really not as hard as you would think. You know, sometimes it's just sitting down with a friend who you really trust and saying, like, let's share our shame stories. You cannot believe how much better people feel after just talking about the story. We call it a shame over in Somatica. Like the next day when we would like reveal our shame, we're like, do you have a shame over in somatica like the next day when we would like reveal our shame we're like do you shame over and it's gone like it is I mean so there but it's kind of becomes your story right becomes

kind of your breakthrough moment it does and then the third principle is to really start to accept and love your body and that's really important because especially for women, but also for men Body shame is a huge issue when it comes to sex right a huge issue if we feel bad about our body If we think we've put some weight on or we don't like the way our boobs look or whatever We can't be in this like expansive state can't be in this like expansive state. Because we're in our head. We're in our head. Because we're in our head thinking about, oh my God, I don't want my partner to see this

or I feel really fat today, right? Exactly. Exactly. And so really starting to accept your body. And then the fourth one is to allow pleasure in. And you know, that's actually a lot harder for many women. It is to let, this is what, that's the shame pleasure paradox. We might even have released them shame, but because we have challenges around our body,

I hear from people every day, we're like, I don't like my body, or I don't feel comfortable, I'm insecure, I'm doing sex wrong. And if you're in your head during sex, you're not allowing yourself to experience as much pleasure as you possibly can. Right.

And so I'm excited to talk to you also about how we can get women out of their heads. Yeah. And I think also some women have this belief that they're somehow that they're not entitled to have pleasure. That's another one too. Like I don't deserve. I don't deserve it. Why is women? We walk around thinking like it's all about taking care of everybody else. That's right. And if we just don't, I mean, that's not even about shame as much as just being women, being the feminine,

like taking care of everyone else and we go last. We go last, right? Yeah. We go last. Yeah. And I think also, like, you know, another reason why I think women don't allow themselves to have pleasure when I think about, when you think about sex and orgasms is that so many women are concerned that it's taking them too long, right?

Yes. We look at the clock where like he's been going down to taking them too long. Oh, right. Yes, we look at the clock. We're like, he's been going down to me for 28 minutes. That's right. If you're lucky. And then you're like, is he really going to sit here for another? Right. And then we stop ourselves.

That's right. So remove the clock. No, right. What we worry about that, but it takes us however long and you're going to hang out until we get there. And you know what? And it's actually, most men actually enjoy it. They do.

They do. A woman who is fully owning her pleasure and in her body, and you're making your feel good, and you're showing, it's the energy. So your partner, I always say, your partner wants to please you. Like, they really, really do. And we feel like we're taking up space, we're taking up time. And I always say, like, the best thing you can say to your partner is, like, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here all night. Just relax. Lay down. I'm going to get busy between your legs or whatever I'm doing. I'm not going anywhere. And then you can just kind of... So yeah, I mean, I can tell you that I opened my book talking about my night of goddess worship.

Yeah. I love that story. And that's what happened, right? It was like a moment. It was like one night. It was one night where this man who I was dating who went and did this tontra workshop came back and said like I want to I want to worship you and I'm like I'm no idea what you're talking about, what that means. Like break this down to a lawyer, do you have a contract with going on? Right. But it was like he basically said, no expectations. I'm not even going to take my pants off. This is just your night. I don't care what happens. I just want you to enjoy. Right. And if you stop enjoying, we can stop. And it was like it broke something in me. It was like, it was the first time that I didn't have to worry about whether I

have that orgasm or whether he has an orgasm or anything like that, it was so incredibly freeing, right? And I think that that's a great takeaway that I think that that's a great tip for a lot. I mean, I think that and you don't have to call it a goddess worship, that doesn't make sense. You big-kind, just it just giving without feeling like you need to get back or giving without the expectation of receiving. That's right. And I think that that women can do this to their partner. It can be men and women can both, no matter what kind of relationship you're in, one can be the receiver, one can be the giver.

And I think you often take sex off the table or you just have one person who's receiving for the night that could do so much for partners in their intimacy as well. To do such a great exercise. Such a great exercise. How can women get out of their head and into their bodies? Well, and this is not just for women.

This is for everybody. And men too. How can we do it? Yeah. So this is using, I think you know, that my doorway into sexual awakening was through the doorway of tantra. And there are principles of tantra. And this is one of them.

And it's all about using, I'm just sound like a broken record here. Breath, right, and sound and movement, which starts to, when you are breathing deeply, and you're making sound, you can't be in your head. It's impossible to be in your head, right? And so it's all about actually allowing yourself to be in your body and using these really

relatively simple tools. They are. That's a thing. It's like you have everything you need right there. I'm not asking you to go out and buy a vibrator, although I do that a lot. I will not do that right now. It's literally your breath, making sound or music or scent. Sound in your body.

Okay. Breath and sound are forms of energy and what we are trying to do with, I'm going to talk a little bit about tantric sex here for a moment. Please, yes. I want, okay, I love that your gateway was through tantra and I've actually beginning really interested in more tantra lately and I think I was a little bit more, and even as a sex educator, I've read books on tantra and I just a little bit and I'm like, oh, it's a lot of work. I find a willing partner who wants to sit with me for six hours, stare into each other's eyes and breathe, and they were both going to somehow have full body orgasms.

It just seemed like a lot of work. But I'm realizing now that it doesn't have to be. It's not a lot of work at all. And it can actually be the gateway for a lot of people not to have better sex. So let's talk about it. Let's open up everyone. Yeah, yeah, no sex. So let's talk about it. I love it. Let's open up everyone. Yeah, yeah, no, let's open up everyone.

Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, it's being able to connect with our sexual energy and our sexual energy runs from all the way down to our perinium or the sacrum all the way through the center of our body up through our head. But, you know, this is what we do in tantra. We actually start to circulate energy through our body. And I know for a lot of people, energy is this, like, really amorphous thing. Like, what is energy?

Right. Right. So, let me do an energy exercise. Let's do it. Okay. So, this is actually really great exercise that you can do So you're gonna take your hands and you're gonna rub them together Really hard until you feel a lot a lot of heat and also usually helps if you close your eyes, okay? And then once you feel a lot of heat you're gonna have your hands face each other Right and you're going to just imagine that there's like a little ball between your hands. So your hands are maybe about eight, ten inches apart right now, right? And you're going to put your attention in this empty space in between, but it's not empty,

it's actually energy, right? And you're going to breathe. And then slowly start moving your hands Breathe. And then slowly start moving your hands towards each other. And notice if you're feeling any resistance. I am feeling resistance. Yeah. And my hands are feeling like they're feeling a little tingle. Tingle, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Mine are too. That's so easy. Right? And then move your hands back apart. Okay. And notice resistance. And then put your hands face our hands together, but let's not touch. Right, and see if you can feel like the sensations between our two hands. Oh yeah. Right? That is energy. I feel that. Right? And it's intense, right? It's really intense. So imagine if you could have that intensity during sex without maybe even touching each other.

Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's a principle of tantra, of connecting with that energy and letting that energy flow through your body. It's tantric sex is very powerful. God. Yeah. So, if I'm having tantric sex with somebody, how do I, I mean, so I think I told you a little bit about this and I have not actually, I told today this, but I haven't talked about it on the show and I'm want to do it in a future

show. But I went on this John Wynelin was on the show. It was an awesome episode. You guys can go back and check it out a few months ago. But I actually went on a retreat that he had in Hawaii. And a lot of it was sort of, he does a lot of masculine, feminine, David Day to work. But his girlfriend's a Kundalini teacher. We did a lot of, we have to break into pairs. I had a male partner that I did not know. We did some of just the basic like that, like breathing together and looking into each other's eyes and like, you know, one point, like I'd sit on that. But there was no sex allowed.

It was like my legs wrapped around and I did for the first time felt that intimate intimacy and that intense energy that I had never. So that's what I'm sort of getting. You use that in yeah, beyond position, where you have young. Yes, yeah, beyond. So what happens there from an energetic perspective is all of your energy centers are lined up with each other, right? And so when you start breathing together, you are together moving the sexual energy up

and down and around. And it's very potent. And I literally did it for like a night. And it was, I mean, for like an hour or two. And then the next night, maybe for an hour, and I experienced it. So I'm really, I really want to go more into this kind of work.

It is powerful. Very powerful. So that's so God, we were talking about touch. So that was kind of like getting out of your head. Is it when you're breathing and using sound? So what kind of sound, when you're saying sound? Yeah, so well, there's lots of ways to do it. And this is one of the things that's

especially an issue for women. We have a lot of shame about making sound during sax. Right. It can't be too loud, but we can be sexy. We should probably just sound like the porn star. Right. Right. Exactly.

And in fact, what you want to sound like, in the sense your own voice, your own thing. Right. The best sounds are actually these deep guttural sounds, right? That's what happens at the peak of, for some women, at the peak of a really good orgasm. But so we're really good. One of the exercises that I really like to do

to help people start to feel sensation in their body is to start to feel vibration through sound. So if we were to take a breath and we were to make the sound, let's make the sound ah, right? And notice where you feel the ah in your body, right? So let's do that. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah! OK, I felt it like my chest, my belly. It's even all the way down to the second. This is in time for this.

I didn't help when you have the closer to the second chakra, right? But for a lot of people, it gets stuck here. So the way we start to unlock. It gets stuck in your chest. And she points to her chest. And I think a lot of us kind of shallow breath. Yeah. And we feel that more in our chest.

I think that opens this up. And remember the saying Yeah. And we feel that more in our chest. I think it's open this up. And remember the saying, the more we breathe, the more we feel. Well, it's the same thing. Breath is like, think about it as this like high octane fuel. Right. To fuel you. You have it. Right?

And the more you can breathe and the deeper you can breathe, the more you're going to start feeling it, lower and lower and lower into your genitals. Right. Right., and that starts to just like the kegels, that's part of it as well in Tantra, we use the PC muscle to also in combination with the breath, to really stir up the sexual energy. That is true you guys. I know my next version of kegel camp, which is coming out. I think it's a great awakening and you teach us as well. So let's talk about out. I think it's a great awakening. And you teach as well. So let's talk about your work, because you also are a intimacy coach, sex coach.

You see clients, and you also have a course you will can take online. Yeah. How does that go down? So I do see clients both in person and in Skype, and I do sex and intimacy coaching, and I also teach principles. I don't, you know, sometimes people ask for tantra,

but I use these principles in a lot of my coaching because it really does help people have better sacks and to start to awaken themselves. And I also teach an online class for women. It's called the Empowered Women's Guide to Regards, McBliss. It's actually going on right now. The next class will be starting in, I believe it's January or February and you can go to my website if you're interested and sign up so it's an awesome class. See the website again and we're going to this is also on our website. It's PowerofPleasure.com. PowerofPleasure.com. It's an eight-week class. It involves some self-study home videos. It has a group teaching component so we have these group calls

once a week where I go over additional exercises. And I really do laser coaching with the women. And it's all right. Do they just open up and have what happened? I mean, it's amazing because having the experience of being able to talk about these issues in a group makes you realize that you are not broken and that it's just your stuff.

Like everybody else is having similar struggles and it creates like a sense of relief like oh my god I'm not the only one who's dealing with this and then like and this is how we're going to wear dress set right so there's solutions and there's exercises and so we work through like the shame and we work through, we really talk about how do you bring pleasure into your life. We look at our erotic fantasies, what are the emotions we want to go through for sex. And then I do have a component where we start to really learn to love our body, not in the group call.

We kind of cut off there. We were talking about earlier, but it's like, I get a lot of confidence questions from men and how do you learn to love your body? It's a process, but you can do it. Yes, definitely. And you know, with a lot of compassion and going slow and, you know, I teach very specifically I do teach some principles of Tandra because some people are interested in it. I teach women how to do it.

What I call a self-loving practice. A self-loving practice to be able to love their body and explore their body in a really kind and gentle way, but not just focusing on their genitals because this is part of the problem with women and our bodies. Right. Everything, your elbows, your breasts, run your hands, or is that what you talk about? Absolutely. Right.

You know, really touching all parts of your body, using breath because the reason women don't have, have a hard time with orgasms, of course, is because the energy gets trapped. It's trapped. You can just unleash the, I think there's that energy. I think that that was for me personally, that was a big thing too,

and I had to work on that. Like I think, and back in the day when it started happening for me, it was more like, I didn't know this at the time, but it was yoga and meditation. You know, after I realized that I was 20, I was having this problem. And through my 20s, I worked on it,

but now I realize there's a lot of great practices that you can do, so I feel like for people. And it's not like you have to sit, I don't know, I think people, I guess I always think of myself because it takes me a long time to develop a habit and to commit things that I really wanna do, and I wanna make it easy for people, or like, yeah, but I don't have time to self-pleasure

for 25 minutes or, you know, but, well, you've timed it like, why would you have waste time having bad sex or resisting sex or just not having as much pleasure? Like, what if we told you that these kind of practices, which we are telling you, could give you more pleasure and then you have more pleasure in your life? I think it's just so important to take that time. Totally true. And for you to know what you really want and to understand what does turn you on from the physical perspective. Right. Because I think also that's the big thing too, that a lot of us don't know women and men, but I think I feel like it's more women are like, I have no idea what a guy,

you know, my partner asked me, what do I want or what turns me on and I don't know. I think a lot of this work helps people realize, what is my turn on? I don't even know. Not even like fantasies as well as just, oh, who knew that under my armpit could give me malt orgasms? That's right.

What if that happened? And we can have orgasms in a place in our body, right? We can't. You know, that's what's amazing about women and our orgasmic potential. Exactly. We have such orgasms. And so if you women really understand that?

I know. And it makes me like, so like, oh, I just want all of you to be able to be in pleasure for half an hour, 45 minutes, and hour, and just have one orgasm after another, and each one be better and better. Exactly. Like that is totally something. Who doesn't want that? I don't want that. I was just laughing because I was thinking about when you're like, you have a lot of potential.

I was thinking like a job interview is what I'm saying. You have a lot of potential. But what if we just now, like I said to women, you have a lot of potential. I was thinking like a job interview, so I was saying you have a lot of potential. But what if we just know, except women, I see a lot of orgasmic potential. You have just immense amounts of orgasmic potential. But I love that you helped them get there. Jean-ée Paylett. Thank you.

So I'm gonna have you help me answer some questions here. Sure. And I just want to check out your Facebook page. Yes, please. Because I know there's a lot of men on your program and the book has a lot of information about men as well, but men have an amazing ability to be able to have non-ajaculatory orgasms through a tantric practice where they can just stay hard for hours and who wouldn't

want that. I think we should give some air time to this because what about men? You see men as well And so what about men who can't stay hard? You know erectile dysfunction premature Declation just don't I mean you have practiced through tantra a lot of men can kind of work with this you can work with them Yeah, and help them yeah, no absolutely. I mean yeah I mean there are a lot of ways you know there are a lot of reasons why men for for example have a Reaction issues. Let's, have erection issues. Let's just say erection challenges.

A erection challenges, right? I hate that word. Disfunction, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean you just find that I know, you're right. Yeah, it may have challenges. They have challenges, and you know, nine times out of ten, it's not physiological. It's an emotional piece, right? There's something that's holding them back.

There's some wounding that they've had. There's some way in which it's a sexual shutdown for men. It is. We were talking about what men have this too. They have early experiences. Any, you know, just take, I always say, takes one person looking at your penis and saying, it's, there's something wrong with it, shaming you. Right. Or they're feeling shut down about like their life, you know, like, for man is not empowered around their life. If they hate their job, you know, if they hate their wife, you know, if they're really disempowered, well, for many men, the cock is like,

well, I'm not coming to the party. Exactly. You need to have that empowerment place in order for your cock to respond. So I think it's a very common for men as well, and we work through it. Yeah, I've always checked out your book, Living Orgasmic Life, and let's explain that they

should pre-order because you're doing, if people pre-order it on your website, there's going to be a place where they can pre-order the book, then it's a crowd funding. Yeah, so I'm working with a company, it's called Publishizer, and they actually match authors with public publishers. So it's an author publisher match and the way they determine the publisher's determine whether they want to publish your book. And of course I want to publish or to publish the book because I want this message to get out to the millions of women and men who are sexually shut down

and who can use this. These tools and information is based on the number of copies of books or pre-orders of books that you sell in a month period. Oh, so people got to do it right now. Yeah, it's a good, your website. Yeah, go to the website powerpleasure.com. Click on the link. It'll get a hard copy and a digital copy.

That's right. I got a lot out of it. I really love your book. I think it's great work. I can't wait until I've been seven years that you've done all this. And you're bringing all this power to the people. So thank you. Thank you.

So let's get onto some emails. If you have a question you want me to answer in the show, that's amazing. You can text me your questions. It's so easy. Text Ask Emily as one word to 7979. 7979. That's Ask Emily. You can also submit a question from sexwithfamily.com via the Ask Emily tab.

And as always include your gender or age where you live and how you listen to the show. Dear Emily, I'm a new listener and totally hooked on your show. Thank you for the public service you provide. I've recently separated and finalizing divorce and very excited and nervous about entering the dating scene. I have one question that's been weighing on my mind. I think I have an attachment issue.

When a guy brings me to an orgasm, I want to have more and more like a thirsty puppy. I also find myself getting super excited when I get texts or calls from someone I'm sleeping with. How do I approach casual dating and how do women see with multiple people and not get attached? Love, love, love your show. JR, I'm female. 33 Dallas, Texas. Yeah, that's a great question, you know.

I mean, God, the casual sex question comes up all the time now because people are having more casual sex. And I think that women really need to have to check in, man, is it right for me? How do you feel the next day? Like check in with yourself. It is not for everybody. It truly is not for everybody.

But also about wanting orgasms, like, I think that she could probably learn how to have more orgasms. She wants to tell that you're thirsty. It's, I think, that's great. That her body probably has more orgasms, potentially, like we were talking about. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like, yeah, it sounds like, you know, it's great that she wants more orgasms.

And that's something that her body wants. You know, it sounds like she does have an attachment issue. I mean, she's, you know, it definitely sounds like, I don't know her background, but from her divorce, right? There's probably some wounds around that and maybe there was a co-dependency kind of needy kind of thing. So it sounds like from an attachment perspective, there's an anxious attachment style that's going on, right? Right. So the second and she wants more. Right. The second she ends up, she wants more and like she's nervous that he doesn't, right? Right, so the second end she wants more. Right, the second she ends it, she wants more, and like she's nervous that he doesn't call her,

and right, she needs to have that. So, you know, how do you work with attachment issues? I mean, that's a little complicated, right? But attachment issues are about like, are you enough for yourself, right? Like, can you be happy with who you are, and can you wanna be in a place where you can come into a relationship being a co-equal partner and not being somebody who feels like

you need to be needy or dependent on somebody else, right? So there's some issues there. Well, that would be talk therapy to start with. Yeah, I mean, I think that's... I love that you cover attachment issues too in your book as well. That's like, oh, good, attachment, little touch roll, little bit of everything. Exactly. Yeah, so I think we do think there's some attachment.

And go see a therapist, go see a sex coach, somebody who can help you work through what's going on and why do you have that need and how do you feel more confident in yourself? Right, and I think also that's a great point, because also after divorce, like if you have you done the work around that, I think that it's just necessary that after you break up with someone, it was abusive relationship, did you really go to therapy? And I'm not talking once or twice with your partner towards the end. Like, did you work on what's happened in the relationship,

what your partner was, what you want in your future? And so right now, having casual sex may or may not be the right thing for you, we don't know. Right, so that's where I'd spend your time there. sweetie, thank you for emailing and I'm so glad you like the show, JR. Hi Emily, I'm a fairly new listener and recently married. We've been together for two and a half years.

I love my husband and our sex life is great. We both need to work on poor play, but we're still learning about each other. Before I met my husband, I was in abusive relationship. It wasn't physical, mainly emotional mental abuse. My ex-boyfriend made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I've worked through most of this with my husband, but there's still one thing I need to bring up.

I have some triggers, mainly blow jobs. I want to talk to my husband about this, but I haven't found the words. I may have invented this, but he doesn't really go down to me, and I'm wondering if it's because I don't like giving blow jobs. Can you share some advice to get me started? Maybe I share right down some thoughts first before I bring my husband into the conversation. Thank you, Emily, another Emily 27 Indiana. Well, Emily, God, I'm so glad that you're asking this question, that you came to me because

yeah, I do think that it's something I think about first. Definitely before you talked to him, and I'm glad that Janice here to talk about this as well because it sounds like you still might have some triggers and I love that you've worked through all this but there's still always a little bit more. We're never done peeling back the layers of the onions. And so, yeah, so Janice, you said you had some stuff to say to this, some particular things about blow jobs that you were saying about. Well, I think part of what happens, and I don't know why, what Emily's trigger is around blow jobs. So, I have the other Emily, yeah.

I'm not sure what her trigger is around blow jobs and why it's an issue for her. But one thing to consider is, I feel like a lot of women give blow jobs out of obligation, and they're not actually enjoying it for their own pleasure. So one of the principles of the work that I do, the work that we learned, is touching and doing things that feel good for your body, like using your partner for your own pleasure. And when you consider that, like, well, if I was to take his penis and it feels really good, if I rub it around my lips and what it feels like in my mouth,

and think about your own sensation as opposed to, I'm doing this to please you. I'm doing this to please me to use your body for my pleasure. That's a very powerful shift. It is a really powerful shift in the way in which we're thinking. Yeah, I think that I think that it's such a great point that touching for your own pleasure exercise is such an important. It was so really powerful. We did that together in Somatica and I think it's also in your book as well because we so often we touch, especially as women we're talking about that we're pleasers and we want everyone to feel good

that so often especially with sex we're socialized to make our partners feel good. It's about their pleasure and we have pain and we're going to pleasure that's okay as long as I touched them well, I gave them a killer blow job like when people ask me for blow job tips, I think it's so important here that we're talking about is like how can we teach people going to say that to swim in but anyone giving blow jobs to experience pleasure from it. And that's also practice because it's the way we've been like socially, they're not even in their bodies, perhaps a lot of times, it's just like, is this the right thing? I should go really

deep in my throat and use my hand. And Emily says to use my, whatever I've talked about, I've top it. Like there is a way to be like, I'm like, you know, it's like goddess energy. Like I can take this penis in my mouth and I can make it feel so good to me, like how it tastes in your throat and you're right, rubbing in your face, seeing how it looks against your skin and like making it your own, making that penis your own for that moment

and really like getting into it, like teaching that, making about your pleasure. Making about your pleasure. And that could be a totally new concept for, for me to heal, but it totally is a beautiful way to have sex. Right, and it looks shifts things, right?

Because if you're having pleasure touching your partner, he's going to realize how much pleasure you're having and he's going to have more pleasure and it creates this beautiful circuit of pleasure. Right. So that's what we just talked about to Emily, but also she wants to know why he's not going down on her. And I'm wondering if Emily and he's your husband. I mean, I feel like I think you absolutely should start talking about

sex to your husband. Like, like right now would be great. I love, I think like couples like talk about sex. So, I mean, I don't expect you to give them a blowjob, right, to give a trigger around it. We don't, again, we don't know what it is. So I don't even know that you can even lead with this, doing the, like, get, give them blowjob tomorrow

and it's, you're gonna be able to do this exercise right away because we're not sure. But I do think talking to your husband about, you know, I know we've talked a lot about our, you know, our sex life or what's got in my past relationship but there's, you can even use me as an example, say you listen to the show or whatever it is, just say there's still some stuff I wanna talk to you about.

I love, you know, I really want to please you and I want to make you feel good. I have some challenges around oral sex, and I'm thinking I'm gonna work on some of this stuff and you could bring up the way that it makes you feel. I love when you perform oral sex on me. And you can even ask him, I think it's healthy to say, I've been feeling like maybe because I have these challenges

around going down in you that maybe you're withholding from me or maybe you think I don't like it. Well, how does that feel to you? Literally just have a conversation like that. From your heart, honestly, because we don't know. So what is this? Yeah, I mean, the best way to have a good sex life is to be able to have conversations around sex, right?

And try to come at it from a place without judgment and without shame and just like, can we just talk about what's going on here, because what I'm noticing and, you know, not a blaming, no blaming, not going down on me, but what I'm noticing is that I feel like you don't want to pleasure me and I'm not sure what's going on for you and, you know, can we just like have a talk about this?

And this is really important for couples to do. You cannot have a great sex life. If you can't talk about it. It can lubrication. Like that. Communication is lubrication. That's true. I mean, I talk about that a lot on the show that you got to talk about things and these are some different layers. But once you talk about everything gets easier. I mean, in life, the more you talk about sex, it's going to get easier for you guys to have the conversations. But I get why you might want to write down, Emily, I'm laughing, because I'm not laughing, but I'm not feeling you, because I understand that

when the first time you do anything like this, it's hard, so it's scary, but it gets easier, and it'll become part of your relationship, just like you're talking about where you're going on vacation or what you're having for dinner, you can be like, so last night, we have a second say, it can become that as well, and that's how you will improve your.

Yeah, and like a simple exercise that you could do that I think is really helpful in these situations. It's like you play a game, right? And you like each write down, like these are the things I would like you to do to me. These are the things I would like to do to you, right? And then you just got to start to have a conversation around it without they're having to be like a big issue, right? Play a game.

I love it. Okay, Janay, I'm going to ask you the five quicky questions I ask. Oh my gosh. Okay. Ready? Let me take a breath. Okay. Okay. What's your biggest turn on? Oh, being tied up. Biggest turn off? I don't like being degraded. Craziest place you've gotten busy. Craziest place I've gotten busy was on a hammock at Harbin Hot Springs. I love it.

Sexiest part of your partner's body or a partner's body. Oh, that depends. I love the neck. I'm a big neck-naked person. And ears. What's the one thing you wish you could tell your current or and or future partners about your body's needs? One thing. They need to to know. So easy. Go slow. It takes me a lot of time. Yeah. Right. I like to go slow. Good job. Look, you killed it. Didn't need to prep

for it. You're awesome, Janay. Thank you so much. Everyone take out her book, Living in orgasmic life and your website, which is all going to be on my website. If you want to say it again. PowerOfPlesher.com. PowerPlesher.com. Thank you for being here. Thank you to all my amazing listeners, and I love hearing from you. Thank you for emailing me, your questions.

Thank you to my amazing team, your awesome, and thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlin.com. mlink.com.