Sex With Emily - Your Top 5 Sex Questions, Answered

Episode Date: October 9, 2021

When it comes to your most pressing sex issues, have you ever wondered: “ugh, is it just me?” I promise: it’s not just you! To prove it, I’m tackling your top five sex questions in this episode. From raising your libido to acing your oral, we cover a lot of ground in this one.How do you talk to your partner about sex? I teach you how to broach this conversation with compassion, and how to normalize sex talks in general. How about amping up your sex drive? There are hacks for that! Maybe you want to last longer in bed, get better at oral, or spice up your sex life. There’s a whole world of solutions for those, and I walk you through them. Whether it’s toys, technique, or just a good talk, this episode is all about finding answers, so you can have the pleasure you deserve.For more information about or to purchase the products mentioned in this podcast, click below:We-VibePromescent: Better In BedWomanessShow Notes:System Jo LubricantsJe Joue Mio Vibrating Cock RingGuide: Three Ts of CommunicationGuide: Edging Yes No Maybe ListArticle: Mind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin MethodBook: She Comes FirstEpisode: Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex w/ Ian KernerEpisode: Seducing the Booty w/ Alicia Sinclair Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ It's all about variety, spontaneity, and novelty. If we do anything the same over, you have to sing breakfast every day. You have chicken every single night for dinner. Well, sometimes you're going to want pizza. Like, I just am creating pizza. You're giving me a lot of chicken. You've been having chicken sex, and now you need some pizza sex.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. On this episode, I'm tackling your top five sex questions. Because listen, chances are you've probably asked yourself one of these, and that means you're not alone. There are solutions to be had. First, how do I talk to my partner about sex or try something new? Well, I give you tips for normalizing sex talks

and creating a culture of erotic communication. Next, how can I get better at oral sex? Sometimes it's technique like not using your teeth, but sometimes it's psychology and I address both. Then, how can I spice up my sex life? I get this one all the time and I have one word for you, novelty. Paired with an open and honest conversation, we can bring that arousal back. Also, how can I increase my sex drive?

We're removing the physical, emotional, and social blocks around your libido so that your desire can move more freely. Finally, how can I last longer during sex? Well, I've got tricks to help draw out your pleasure, whether it's an orgasm delay, technique, or a product, both fun and both totally within reach. throughout your pleasure, whether it's an orgasm delay, technique, or a product. Both fun and both totally within reach.

All right, intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an attention for the show. So, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, I said intention, and it's answering your most frequently asked questions to get everyone on the same page about sex. Imagine if everyone you slept with knew how to talk about sex, we'd all be enjoying it a lot more and have a lot more pleasure. Alright, listen, you have to check out Sex with Emily.com if you haven't, because my new

article, As Family, how do I actually start squirting? You're going to love, it's up at with Emily, and we've got a lot more articles up there. And check out my YouTube channel for more Sex Tips and Advice. If you wanna ask me a question, just call my outline. It's 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 5739. You can just leave me your questions there, or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Something that I love talking about in this show is pleasure outside of the bedroom. I mean, don't get me wrong, the bedroom is critical for sex, but pleasure shouldn't be limited to just one room of your home. That's why I'm thrilled to tell you about the Wee vibe bond. Folks, the bond is the toy for penis owners that I've been waiting for. It's a ring designed to be worn discreetly even underneath clothes and was developed to help penis owners feel more connected to their sexuality.

You know, whenever they wanted to be. As a teasing wearable vibe, the bond fits around the base of the penis and targets the perineum. You know, that sensitive area between the penis and the anus that feels amazing when stimulated. So, let me tell you about the technology behind this thing. Say your partners at work, they've packed their bond, and you want to send them a flirty message. Just open up WeVibes We Connect app and deliver them a vibrating buzz through their bond from long distance. Its vibrations are ultra silent, so your sexy nudge won't be heard,

but it will be felt. You can also try it in the bedroom with the wearer enjoying the bond and the other partner controlling its vibrations for a little kinky power play. When the wear behaves, they get rewarded with delicious sensations. Do you get it?

I have to say this toy sounds like so much fun. I can't wait to try it. I bet you want to give it a go too. So, now your bond before it sells out, go to sexwithfamily.com slash wevibe. That's my site, sexwithfamily.com slash w-e-v-i-b-e. Alright, why are you all to know that we read all the emails you sent in, all of your questions, which is why we are dedicating this episode to answering the top questions we get asked. But I also get your testimonials.

And they're so inspiring. And I believe that a few of these are going to inspire you as well. So let me start with this. Okay, this is from Anna, 22 in Canada. Dear Dr. Emily, first, thank you so much for the work you do. It wasn't until fairly recently that I discovered the reason I felt so uncomfortable discussing sex as a young woman was because I hadn't been aware of resources like your podcast. You provide a safe and comfortable space for people to discuss vulnerable topics.

So thank you again, you've impacted my life in such positive ways. Well, thank you Anna for writing this and I just want you all to know that what we talk about here on the show, what you hear on sex with Emily, you're not gonna hear anywhere else. You know, you're not gonna hear it with your family or probably your friends or in school, there's just not a lot of accurate information

around sex or place where you are safe, and it is open and you are welcome to share and we're all learning together. And here's just one more before we get into it. This is from Lydia 21 in London. Hey Dr. Amling, I'm writing you a thank you note. I want to sincerely thank you for changing my relationship with my body and with my partner. My boyfriend introduced me to your show after I can find it them that I was never able to

orgasm. Through listening, I felt so supported by hearing collars have the same issue in knowing I'm not alone. Moreover, I've been able to implement so many of your tips and completely change how I view sex with myself and my partner. All right, see, so we got to we're listening to the show. Welcome to the show and we're all on this journey. So I appreciate hearing from both of you and let's get into the questions. Let's kick off with your first top sex question. How do I talk to my partner about sex

or trying something new? I used to call this question the, how do I get my partner to blank? And that's a really common question. How do I get my partner to initiate? How do I get my partner to have a threesome? How do I get my partner to understand my needs and bad? We were not born with a skill set of how to be comfortable talking about sex.

It wasn't modeled to us in our home. Most people's partners never talk about sex. So that's why this is a very common question. Communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better it's going to get. So talking to your partner enhances intimacy. You're gonna get the variety that you need, and you're gonna have more satisfaction in the bedroom

and more pleasure, which is what I'm all about here. So how do you start having this really difficult conversation? It's the three T's, and are not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You're chilling out, you're in a good space, you're feeling good, hanging out with your partner, and the other thing is your tone. Your tone is light and curious and supportive, and it's not defensive, it's not angry.

And sometimes I wanna say this, we all need a tone check. Sometimes we don't realize when we're nervous and we're doing something that our tone comes off as judgmental, it's like we're annoyed or defensive, but really we're not. And the last thing is turf. You wanna have any of these conversations about sex outside the bedroom.

Great to do it when you are hanging out, maybe you're on a road trip because then you don't have to be making that awkward eye contact, but you still can have a conversation in privacy or when you're walking the dog. So timing, turpentone, remember that. Contrary to what we were told growing up, did you have the talk yet? Did your parents have the talk with you? We somehow think that a sex talk is a one-time conversation. And that's not true, nor is it true in your relationship.

Think of the first sex talk with your partner to be when we are laying the groundwork for future talks. You're not going to get it all out. If you've been with someone for a while, there's no such thing as one conversation covering everything. So some easy hacks to this conversation, they just be asking what feels good. You know, I always say don't talk about sex in the bedroom,

but it's totally okay to, in the moment, say to your partner, how does this feel? You can tell me skilled one to 10 to 10 if it's feeling great, one not so great. Do you want it later, do you want it softer, do you want it faster, do you want it slower? do you want it faster, do you want it slower? All that's okay if it's very specific in the moment. How does this feel? I thought it might be fun if we try it this way. And then you can check in with them, does this feel good? Do you like what I'm doing? And then you're discovering together in the moment because there are some things in the moment that are productive and

efficient, really. Because this is the kind of thing where after, if you say, remember that move I was doing with my tongue? You know, did that feel good? And I was like, what move? So these are the things if you want to get really specific as you can do in the moment. And I cannot emphasize enough the importance of verbal confirmation and just being more verbal

in the bedroom, making sounds, making noises. There's nothing like performing a killer oral act on a partner and they're just mute, they're quiet. You're like, does this feel good? Do they still have a pulse? So moaning and increasing your breath and maybe motioning your body, moving your pelvis forward,

can show that you're really into it. Maybe you pull away a little bit, shows that maybe I wanna try something new. So our body language says a lot in the moment as well. I want to prepare you that when you have this conversation, you might be greeted by a defensive partner who says, no, I'm never trying that. Or why are you bringing this up? I thought we had great sex. here you go again. I was criticizing me. I want you to be armed for that because it's not common that people bring this up.

Typically, no one else has talked to us about it. So the second someone brings it up, we our defenses go up. Maybe we have shame, we even securities. Maybe we think, oh God, I'm a terrible lover and I've been worried about this forever. So I'm going to shut down. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say no.

This is where you'll practice. You're, oh, I hear what you're saying. It sounds like I've said something that upset you. Tell me more about that. Remember, this is the curiosity part. I'm just curious why this, you know, what about this doesn't feel good to you because I'm really hoping we can just get to know each other. We can start to understand our beliefs around sex.

And just having that kind of conversation where they feel safe and they feel free to express their know, you can't afford to be out of this sex conversation. You can't afford to forego the six sex conversation for the rest of your life. And I have to say that I hear from so many of you, I'm so worried that my partner is gonna be upset. All right, I'm afraid to talk to him about it

because of their ego. Well, how about you? Let's put you in the equation. How do you feel about not getting your needs met? And you know that you're having this conversation to enhance the connection with your partner. So none of that is true. So you have to get to a page where you are able to say to them, I thought you might feel this way.

And so I really want to reinforce, you can even say this is the beginning. I want to reinforce that this is not about anything you're doing wrong. I'm not upset with you. Really want the opportunity to become each other's greatest lovers to each other. Are you down with that? Okay, now I'm going to get into some emails that have to do with this very topic. This is from Brooke, 25 Indiana. Hey Dr. Ami, I love the show. I've been dealing with an issue for a while now. My husband always gets all the attention during sex or anything that has to do with sex even oral.

I rarely get any and he hardly ever goes down on me but when he does it's 69. No matter how many times I speak up about it, it's always ignored and he says he'll do better, but he never does. Most of the time I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want to offend him, even use the timing term Fenton, still doesn't work. I just feel so ignored and unappreciated and undesirable. How can I approach this and let them know how I'm feeling? When timing, tone, and turf doesn't work, it sounds like active listening on his part, or maybe both your parts, might be the problem. So this is where I would say take a different approach. You've heard me say, have you inserted on this show, assume that your partner wants to

be a great lover to you. So in this case, I'm still going to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though it doesn't sound that way. So I think you have to be very honest and give examples. Perhaps you have to get way more specific and leave with something that you do like, like the compliment sandwich. Maybe there's not much. Maybe you just say, hey, I really liked when the way we were making out the other night, we were moving so slow through sex and then I felt like I could really get turned on and then our sandwich part would be where you say, now I know that you're really like 69 and I'd love to tell you about something that I really like and then this is where you get specific.

You say, I would really like slower sex. I would really like more oral and then you explain the why. like more oral. And then you explain the why. Because I think that I'll be just as satisfied as you are during sex, it makes me feel more connected to you. And here's what I think is missing. Have him repeat it back to you. What did he hear? You say, you know, maybe like, oh, I just heard you say you didn't like 69. I'm doing something else wrong. You can say, yeah, I did say that 69 wasn't my favorite and I've told you it a few times, but I realized that maybe I need to get more specifics. So here I'm trying to tell you that I want you to go slower and Oral is really important to me. Many of us have to hear something a few times.

Have you ever improved any skill in your entire life or changed any behavior pattern because someone told you something once? I can't think of any in my life. I have to write things down, I have to practice, I have to like listen back. I mean, it takes time to improve skills. So I know you tried timing, Turf and tone, but you got to do it again. We're going to change it up a bit. Another thing I'm concerned about that I just have to mention here is that the fact that you said you're afraid because you don't want to offend him, I'm going to

flip this on you. Because essentially if you don't say anything, you're co-signing on your partner doing what he wants, getting his needs met and not yours. So I want to give you permission, I want to give everyone permission, that it is okay to talk to your partner about sex. And the more we have these conversations, the more we will be able to normalize these conversations for the partner you're with now, if they're ever with anyone in the future,

because well for you, you start telling your friends about it, I want to make good sex talks normal. and this is how you start doing it. Think about your own needs, it's okay, it doesn't make you selfish, it doesn't make you crazy, it doesn't make you a bad partner, it just makes you someone who cares about your own needs and is prioritizing your pleasure along with your partners. own needs and is prioritizing your pleasure along with your partners. Number two, how can I get better at oral sex? I love this one because sometimes, yeah, it comes down to technique, how to apply pressure, how to avoid teeth, you know, stuff like that. But sometimes oral is a bit of a head game.

There's some psychology that we have to work through. So let's get into it. If you just asked me off the top and had one of my top tips, I would definitely say, pay attention. Every time you're with a new penis or a new vulva, there's a whole new host of information in front of you. What does this person like? What don't they like? Do they need more pressure? When do they start to moan? When do they move towards you? When do they move away from you? And I would also say you want to be enthusiastic and you want to be enthusiastic

and you want to be into it. You don't want to be doing oral as like a charity move or a petty party. You know, you want to be into it enthusiastic and make some noise. Noise is sexy, chose your partners into it, and I think that's really important. Now know that an oral sex is a super intimate act

that you share with your partner and probably one of the most pleasurable, which is why it's such a big question. And with most sexual play, we want to start slowly. We want to build the anticipation. Take your time to like kiss around your partner's bodies. You could start from the, their, you know, face, all the way down, tease their inner thighs, move towards their genitals. Definitely just because it's called oral sex

doesn't mean that you can't play with your hands and some toys and some lube. I think oral sex and lube, especially flavored lube, is delicious. And my other advice is to just let your partner know if you're the one performing oral, to say, I want you to lay back, enjoy. I'm not going anywhere all night. Do you know what relief that gives us to know that a partner is into it and they're not going to walk away, they're

not going to abandon us, you know, like they really want to be there. And we all want to know that people want to be doing it. And I can tell you from my perspective, I've been with partners where I'm like, oh, this is taking too long. and I'm staring at the clock, thinking like they're going to want to leave in a minute. So using those words, using your voice, using your hands, enthusiasm, those are some of my tap tips there. But let's get into emails on the subject. This is from Josie32 in the United States. Hey, Dr. Emily, it's hard to admit, but I'm a 30-year-old woman who has had one sexual

partner who I lost my virginity to at age 26. Hey, Dr. Emily, it's hard to admit but I'm a 30-year-old woman who has had one sexual partner who I lost my virginity to at age 26. Never touched a penis until we started dating, never put a penis in my mouth until we started dating, he never pressured me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, and now that we've been together six years, I've never really given a blowjob. I don't like the idea of putting a dirty penis in my mouth

and it makes me so uncomfortable even look at my partner when I've tried to go down there. I need help overcoming my fear of penis because now we're in a long dry spell and I'm not sure what to do. I understand why this is hard to admit but listen, people have sex, people become intimate at all ages. So you're 32 and you don't have a lot of experience with penises. First let's look at why.

Did something happen to you with a penis? Were you told something about a penis that if you go down a one that it is dirty, did you ever hear a story that kind of freaked you out about a penis? So it's important to look at the origin story around the penis. What is it that about it that is kind of making you feel

that it's a no-go zone? And some mindset changes here. Think about this penis as an extension of somebody that you love, that you care about. I'm sure you want to love up on all parts of their bodies, but if you could look at this way, as just, I'm going to please this person. It's almost like that worship his penis.

Like, I want to do something here that's going to make him feel good. But let's just back up for a minute. If you do feel like it's a dirty penis and all that, take a shower together. I mean, listen, that kind of helped put a lot. I mean, I love showing for a sex anyway. We have the days, you know, grime on us, stress, just wash it all off and take a shower because then you know, this is not a dirty penis. I would also let him know that you've had this fear, but you'd really like to overcome it and you hope that he's cool with your plan And then I would say you don't have to go from zero to deep throat

Maybe I'm gonna lick around the tip. I'm gonna lick the shaft I'm gonna put my hand around the basement because remember our hands are great friends when it comes to oral and just like one lick at a time And then see what happens. You can pull back, start to get familiar and comfortable with his penis. Step by step, you'll start to get more comfortable if it's something that you really want to do. And especially if you bring them on board with your plan, because if you're like, you know, oh, he doesn't know, now I'm going to try it. I didn't do it. But if you could say, babe, I'm trying to overcome this. I don't know where it comes from, but I really wanna figure this out with you.

And he'll be thrilled that you even are trying. I would be thrilled by partners like, I'm gonna overcome something. And here's my plan. Like bring him into it. I believe that are the best partners wanna be part of this sexual journey. Why should you be doing it all on your own?

Okay? Oh, and flavored lube, once again. Taste delicious. There's a reason why flavored lube is excellent for oral because if it tastes like creme brulee, this might make it a little bit easier. Alright, we have Will 23 in Australia. Hey Dr. Emily, I really enjoy seeing my partner orgasm, but for her it takes a long time to completion. I haven't been able to make her orgasm with Oral or even when we just focus on her for the whole session. She's used to Wevibe and is able to come from that, but this also takes a long time and I'm not much help. I was wondering what we can do to help her orgasm more frequently, and what I can do to help her in all areas to make it easier. It's really important that she figures out on her own how to orgasm.

Has she ever masturbated? Has she ever spent time figuring out her own body? And I tell you guys it's all the time but I had been with partners and never orgasm until I said, all right, I'm taking matters into my own hands literally and I'm going to figure out what feels good to me, with toys with my fingers. So then I know that I can do it, but sometimes you get a lot of pressure. I love that I had a willing partner

who wanted to help me, but I just was like, oh, there's pressure still. So I took this project, this Emily orgasm project, and I figured out on my own. Now, if she's not control masturbating, or she hasn't masturbated, which might be the case, you could try a mutual masturbation session or you could also say,

or I want to figure this out with you. Let's have you touch yourself and I'm touching myself and we can kind of look at each other or you could just have it be about her pleasure where she's touching herself and you're paying attention and helping her sort all of this out. Oh, and if you want to learn more specifics about oral sex, check out our new episode,

Everybody Loves Oral in our podcast feed. Don't go anywhere after the break, I'm giving you my top oral tips in answering more of your frequently asked questions. People have been asking me, so what's change after 15 years of doing the podcast? Well, a lot has, but to be honest, the orgasm gap still remains a challenge for so many couples. You know what I'm talking about. Men tend to finish before their female partners. So you've heard me talk about promising for years,

though your role just developed FDA compliant delay spray can help men less up to 64% longer without loss of sensation. And because promising is quickly absorbed into the penis, it won't transfer to your partner. Oh, and speaking of your partner, I think we can all agree that sometimes women even went alone still have challenges around reaching orgasm. So now, permescent has created a new female arousal gel. I love it.

It's a literal stimulant she can rub into her clitoris for increased pleasure and a lot more satisfaction during pretty much any sexual activity you can think of. So now, they got promessant to lay spraper him, a rousal gel for her, so basically they're closing the orgasm gap on both sides. Trust me, try this combo, think me later. Seriously, write into feedback at sexwithmly.com and tell me how it went. I want to know. So try promessant today.

Go to sexwithmily.com slash enhance. That's my site sexwithemily.com slash ENHACNCE today. Number three, how can I spice up my sex life? This is probably the most common question I get asked. It's all about variety, The most common question I get asked is all about variety, spontaneity, and novelty. If we do anything the same, over, you have the same breakfast every day, you have chicken every single night for dinner. Well, sometimes you're gonna want pizza. You're like, I just am craving pizza.

You're giving me a lot of chicken. You've been having chicken sex, and now you need some pizza sex. So, that's okay. If we're over familiar with a partner, we need to defamiliarize the circumstances. So how do we do this? Novelty could mean getting a hotel room for a night.

It could be having these awkward sex conversations that we're going to normalize. It could be trying a new toy. It could be a lube. It could be a different position. Figure out what those things are. Talk about your sex life, expand your sexual menu. What do you want to try?

You know, what is it? You could just talk about the last three times you had sex or you could even exchange a list and say, let's write down the most three memorable times we had sex and let's swap those lists. Do you not mention information you can find out just from that list alone? I had no idea that was a great night for you

and then you can unpack it and be like, oh, that's because we had a babysitter or because my roommate almost walked in. And that was really like nerve-wracking. But we were like in this adrenaline-filled situation together that made it really hot. Role playing. Love a good role play. I was thinking about this woman who called into the show and said she really wanted to try role play and she didn't know what to do. I said, well, let's figure it out. What's your partner into? What do you into?

She loved the Chicago Bulls. And so did he. And they were in a long business relationship and he was coming to meet her in Chicago. And she decided she thought, well, yeah, you know what, really like dressing up. So she went, she got a bulls cheerleader outfit. She put her hair back. She practiced some moves.

Like she got the whole room with like decorated, with like Bulls paraphernalia, and he came in. And she was feeling all sexy in her cheerleading outfit. He was like couldn't believe that it was something new because they had been together for a while. And it was a really fun night. It was a new shared experience. It was something different.

Maybe she even had a wig on, you know? having a wig, I had a woman tell me once, like a woman who was like in her 80s and pulled me aside and said, do you wanna know the best sex tip I've ever heard? I was like, what, she's like, where a wig? And think about it. If you're always the blonde lover of your partner and one time you show up and you've got like short, dark hair

or blonde, spiky wig to something you're different, you feel different too. Another thing is to have a night that's all about you and then another night that's all about your partner. How great is that to know that tonight I am just giving? And then the next night I get to receive and your partner, they choose what you do. They decide, they direct the show, they encourage it, they're like, I got an idea, I'm going to plan your sex night.

Maybe they give you a massage or they play your favorite music or they feed you a favorite meal and then you have all the pressure off. So also trying out toys and products, I could all be part of it. But I promise you, just getting on the sex journey together and saying, okay, we acknowledge, we recognize, things are getting stale. Things are going to get stale. Let's put some things in place here. So we know that we are working towards keeping this really hot and fresh. Because once it just gets stale and then you put it in the back burner

for a while, it's a lot harder to get it to get it sparked again. So keep the pilot light lit. I promise that will make a huge difference for all of you. So we'll get into your emails. This is from KERR 26 in Boston. Hey Dr. Emily, I just discovered your podcast today and I'm obsessed. I've been binging your show all afternoon. My boyfriend and I have been together two and a half years where 26 and live at home but we're neighbors so it's convenient. Anyway, we do have sex, I believe, he does have delayed ejaculation. It usually takes between 45 and 60 minutes. We typically do different things like oral and then regular sex.

And last night, we were having sex, and it was really hot in the room, like temperature-wise. It was about 40 minutes later, he said it's not happening. And he's like, why don't you have sex with me anymore like you're used to? He said that to me. And immediately I'm offended. I decided to keep trying and then I decided to go down to him again until he comes. Afterwards we had a long discussion about his comment because I heard my feelings. He apologized and genuinely felt better at saying what he said and didn't meet it.

But the overthinker I am can't stop thinking about it. Like is our sex life dying? Basically goes like this. For play, missionary, me and tap, verse car girl, and then my legs are so tired, I usually just give them a blowjob, and then he finishes on tap with me again. We love each other. I don't want this to be our downfell. Give me some tips. All right, well, first, oh, there's a lot in here. Kara, first, I think that it doesn't sound like you're getting any of your, your needs met here and to be going at it for 60 minutes every time you're having sex is a lot. And so what I heard from this, what I read from this is that he might be frustrated because he's not able to ejaculate and he's taking

that out on you. His response, like, why don't you do it like you used to? I mean, does that even make sense? Was he coming a lot quicker then? I believe that he's probably a delayed ejaculator and was just using it to hurt you. Now, he wasn't doing it on purpose because it, you know, it sounds like he backed up and felt like it was a defensive, you know, some of us say things, that's why we always have to pause. But it sounds like he was just saying it in a moment on the defensive

feeling frustrated that he couldn't ejaculate and just said it. Sometimes we do, sometimes we say things we do not mean it. I'm going to give him the benefit of that doubt here too and say he probably didn't mean it. I feel like a lot of this has been about his needs and what he needs to get off and but I want to know about what you need to get off and what turned you on. You know, there's a lot of focus on his penis and I just want that equal amount of focus on your pleasure, your origin and zones. I mean, with all that 45 minutes,

having sex with them and going down in them, where are you getting, now it can be pleasurable to do that but are you getting pleasure? Are you having orgasms? Does he know how to go down in you and please you? That's what I want to hear more about, okay? I want to know that you're getting your needs met

as well as his needs, okay? So let me know about that. Number four, how can I increase my sex drive? There's often physical, emotional, social blocks to our libido, to feeling turned on, to feeling in the mood. But if we play detective, we can usually figure out what they are. So, let's talk about removing those blocks so we can get our desire flowing again.

Since we got to know what turns us on, like what's your sex script? What gets you in the mood for sex? You know, I always say keep your pilot light lit. It is responsible for us to know, what's our turn? When am I the most turned on? Well, it's not when the house is a mess and I haven't been able to unwind from the day or my partner just comes up and says,

wanna have sex and you're like, oh, that does not turn me on. What is your sex script? What's your fantasy's masturbation? It's really helpful with this. Ian Kernel wrote a great book. So tell me about the last time you had sex and he talks all about the sex script.

We also did a great podcast with him that I would check out. So maybe your spontaneous desire. I found that my lot of penis owners spontaneously get turned on. They see something, they get aroused, and it's visible. It's physical. They get an erection. But with a lot of love of owners, it's more responsive. We're responding to stimuli.

We're responding to our partners' touch. We're responding to something nice they did for us around the house. And then massage you guys. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for sex, so I partner's like, let me just massage your shoulders for a few minutes. To me, that could be a great turn on

or maybe even just be getting a massage somewhere else. Just a regular massage, but that gets my blood flowing again and just gets me more embodied, which is what we're talking about. Because we're stressed all the time. It's really hard to be in our bodies and in mood for sex. Our nutrition plays a big factor. Our exercise, how healthy you are. Again, it's about we are what we eat and getting blood flowing.

And I know once you forget that stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So if you're under a lot of stress, anxiety, worry, worried about money, the kids, all the things it's sex just might be way there on the back burner. So, as we think it's a low libido, but we really have high boredom. So, there's a reason why you often ask, how do I spice up my sex life and keep it interesting? Trying something new, changing applications, trying a loop, trying a toy, having a conversation through your partner

might be just the thing to get you out of the boredom and into the excitement again. All right, I'm gonna get into your email questions about your libido. Okay, another email from Melissa, 22 in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I've been dating for almost two years and we just moved in together.

When we first started dating, we were like rabbits. Couldn't get enough of each other. We only sat each other in weekends, due to long distance, we still have sex multiple times a day. Things were like this for about a year, and then we slowed things down, and now we live together, and he wants to have sex all the time, and I don't.

He'll try to initiate sex, and when I let him know I'm not feeling it, he throws a fit. Size rolls over and goes to bed, instead of cuddling and enjoying time together like I want. I've tried talking to him about it but he gets upset. And he thinks I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, which is not the case. I mean, I'm happy having sex once twice a week. And that's the big turn-off for me.

Like don't ask me at 5.30 while we're sitting at the dinner table. I'm not sure how to get in his head. I'm still extremely attracted to him. But I just don't want to have sex at that all the time. Any advice? Is this one of the only things we argue about? Okay, so this goes back to, hey babe, let's do it. Let's have sex right now.

Like I'm telling you that just saying, like let's do it now is not going to do that for your partner. When are you in the mood? Alissa, it sounds like he hasn't really given you time to figure that out because he wants it every day. So there also has to be some educating. You know, you're 20 years old.

Both of you probably don't have a ton of experience in other relationships, especially around this stuff. So I would have him listen to this together, give him some articles to read. A lot of it is they just don't understand. And of course, sexuality is tied into his ego. He feels rejected by you. She's saying no. And he's thinking, you're not attracted to me, which makes sense because you always have been for two years. You see what I'm saying? But for him to understand, no, oh, I see, we need different things to get into the mood for sex, right? First, I think we have to do a little bit of educating and saying, listen, I've learned a lot lately because I was feeling bad because you think I'm not sexually attracted to you,

babe, and that's not true at all. But here's what is true. What is true is that I'm going to work on figuring out when I am most in the mood, what does turn me on? Finding which days of the week works best for me. There's also been studies around different times of day that people want sex the most. I think they were saying that vulva owners wanted sex more in mid-afternoon is when we're all turned on.

Don't feel bad if that's not you, but what I'm saying is it demonstrates what I'm saying that just because he wants it at night and you want a cuddle, you should still get your cuddles. And maybe he gets his sex another day or in the morning or on the weekends when you have more time together. And let me let me also say this about the way he's handling your rejection or he feels rejected is that he's rolling over and he's getting angry and he's not using his words. And honestly, that is a point for concern. I'm wondering if there's other areas in your relationship where he just shuts off and

gets angry because as the Gatmans would say, we did a great show with, that it is a great indicator of the health of a relationship. If our partner just shuts us down and you know when they feel rejected, they hide, the other thing is being really clear. When you say no to your partner and you say, now, you can say you know what I'm not feeling it right now. I'd love to cuddle. But maybe Friday night we could have a fun, sexy day night.

So you're not just saying no. You're giving an alternate solution and you're asking for what you want. So I would practice with that as well. When we come back, I break down my fifth most asked question. I'll give you a hint. It has to do with length, but maybe not the way you're thinking penis owners. I'm going to drop a few sex facts here for you. Good sex happens at all ages. See, despite over time in the past, there's not one single decade that dictates the quality of your

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Oh, they even have the best-selling vibrator in target. It's called gold vibes, and don't be fooled by its discrete size. It gets the job done and delivers a smooth finish, and it's a really great toy and a great gift. It's adorable, and it's a really great toy and a great gift. It's adorable and it's purple. Just check it out. Women S also delivered a hormone-free supplement line that uses ingredients back by clinical studies designed to address low sex drive hot flashes, dryness.

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Help is on the way. There's some physical techniques that we have to learn here to delay your orgasm and have a stronger, more intense finish. Sometimes it's technique, sometimes it's something that you can buy over the counter, but first I want to know, why do you want to last longer during sex? Are you finishing before you're ready? Is your partner asking you that last longer so they could have more pleasure? Is it because you think you should last longer, but maybe your partner's fine?

I've heard all the things. So I just want you to check with yourself, why is it? Now maybe you're experiencing PE or premature ejaculation where you're just ending too quickly. There are some things you could do that allows you to strengthen your ejaculateory control. Now I recommend experimenting with kegilexercises. They're not just for vulvas. Yes, if you have a penis, you can do those as well.

That helps you strengthen your pelvic floor and define the ejaculateory muscles that become stronger. Another thing is just try masturbating a few hours before you have sex. In some cases your penis is just to be happy to be having sex if you have an sex in a while and it just wants to release ASAP. So sometimes if we've already pre-gamed or whatever you pre-gamed, gotten it out, you know, ejaculate earlier in the day, you might find that you last a little bit longer. We also have an edging guide on our site.

Edging is a great way to learn to last longer. Edging can do this for volvas and penises, and it's simply the practice of delaying orgasm to experience more pleasure. And you can download our free guide, how to do it. We got a lot of questions about it, so we decided to put together guides. You can learn the process of edging that can help you train yourself, train your body, so you can last longer and have more intense orgasms. All right, let's get into your questions. This is from RJ42. Hey, Dr. Mlee, what can I do with someone who ejaculates prematurely?

It's embarrassing. I get so-called not and I can't help it. It's literally within 30 seconds. I know communication is the key, and also I love being the giver and giving oral. Is it something I should tell someone up front? Well, you know, I have found that sometimes when we take our attention off of ourselves during sex and we just start giving to a partner, we are not thinking about our penis, we're not thinking about our vulvas, we're not thinking how we look and bad, we're just really into

pleasing our partners. And then that takes the pressure out of our head, maybe we start feeling less anxious and less worried because sometimes we, you know, we come too quickly because, especially if you have a penis, it's because it's an anxiety response because your soul afraid is gonna happen and then it happens again. So I think it's always great to let your partner know. Now, you're saying, is this something I should tell someone out front?

Why not? I mean, if you're with someone, you could say, I really love performing oral sex. I hope you're into it. Yeah, of course you can let them know. So I would say, then give your partner pleasure then there's less pressure on your penis and I would also recommend that you, you're 42 years old so I'm not sure if this has been happening for you, if your whole life you've experienced premature ejaculation or it's

just something that you've been experienced lately but everything still stands. Straight thing your cuddle muscles edging and breathing, going slow, taking the pressure off yourself. All right, this is from Christina. Hey Dr. Emily, I desperately need your help. I've been married to my husband for two years and recently I told him about my desire to sex with another man and he went crazy, of course. We've had struggled for a while with our sex life, starting with the major fact that he won't last longer than two to three minutes, crazy, of course. We've had struggled for a while with our sex life, starting with the major fact that he won't last longer than two to three minutes, in which, of course, I had never orgasm and he does.

Before I married him, my sex life was amazing. I'm very much sex positive and love everything about sex. On the other hand, he comes from a very conservative family. I think the fact that we got married too soon has a lot to do with things, but that's a longer story. I love him and find him extremely attractive, but I don't really enjoy sex with him. It's just not good. We've tried toys for a play and a few other things, nothing seems to spark that excitement in my body anymore. It makes me sad because he was hurt

by my comment, but I don't know what else to do. My first question for you is, has he always lasted two to three minutes? Did you know this before you married him? And he came from a conservative family, but also now he's creating a new family with you. And you can let him know how important having a growth mindset around sex is, that's an important part of connection and longevity and marriage. It absolutely is. There's a few steps in this process. The first step is getting him to realize that he is married somebody who doesn't share the same views with him about sex.

He's married somebody who wants to work on the sex life, who wants to talk about it, who wants pleasure, wants her partner to to to less longer in bed. And now you're feeling like you're not excited anymore. And you actually, I'm going to be honest, you led with I've told him that I want to have sex with another man. So now he's feeling even more shame about his penis and the fact that he can't last longer. And that's going to be something that you're going to have to undo here. So I would say it's really important for you both to go see a therapist. I think it would be really helpful here. I can give you my basic advice. I can give you some advice here.

But saying that to him is hurtful. I don't know what kind of conversations you had before that. I don't know if he was expecting you to say that, but I think if my partner came out and said that to me at a time of frustration, I would never forget that either. And the truth is, you're really not satisfied. So this sounds like a 9-1-1 situation to me. And that you're going to need some help here in the spirit of once a week counseling to learn how to communicate with each other about what's really going on. I also love using toys.

You know, penis rings were originally invented when they didn't have vibrations and all the fun things as like steel rings that you put around a penis to help restrict blood flow. So it would last longer and stay harder. J.J. makes one called the Mio. It's a penis ring, but it also vibrates, so that can feel incredible on your vulva when you're having sex. You can wear it, while you're having sex, you can ride them on top of them and move around. So that's the magic of this of the Mio and of penis rings.

The other thing I haven't mentioned yet is that Promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray that penis owners can put on about 10 to 15 minutes before sex. And studies have shown that men last up to 64% longer using Promescent. I've been a fan of the company for a long time. I know the owners when they came out with it like nine years ago, it was like,

whoa, we need this so badly. And it's the only FDA-approved treatment for premature ejaculation. So, you know, it's also important to do the underlying things, the edging, the understanding your body, understanding if it's coming from anxiety. I also recommend some other great books here.

She comes first, another book by Ian Karner. You know, I think it's an important notion that for people, especially if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you people, especially if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you have a penis and you're really worried about your performance if you last too long or not long enough or you stay hard and you don't stay as hard as you want as long as you want to, focusing on your partner's pleasure first and then coming back to your own sometimes really helps.

Change, reframe the whole sexual situation. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every lesson of podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week, find me an Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you