Sex With Emily - Your Top Sex Fantasies, Revealed

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Sexual fantasies are not only normal, they’re a key component of your sexual health. But why are we attracted to certain fantasies? And is it normal to have certain fantasies, or no fantasies at all?On this episode, I reveal your top sex fantasies and why you have them. I also divulge your fantasy success stories and questions, from CNC to cuckolding. I give you tips for expanding your erotic imagination.Show Notes:7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandAsk Emily: How Do We Prepare for a Threesome?Your Guide to Consensual Non-ConsentAsk Emily: How to Become More Dominant In BedPegging 101: How to Try Strap-On SexThe Beginner’s Guide to Role-PlayThe 5 Best Ways to Have Sex OutsideHow Do I Explore Bisexuality While in a Relationship?What to Do When Your Partner Says ‘No’ to Trying New Things Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

One of my big messages here always for all of you is that so much suffering around sex comes from this external pressure we feel from this mythical society that's going to come knock on our door like the sex please and be like I can't believe you had a fantasy about this you are wrong you are evil well guess what that person doesn't exist that's not going to happen and we all get to decide what works for us and what turns us on. And we're all going to much better, much more enjoyable, pleasurable sex that way. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual fantasies are not only normal, they're a key component of your sexual health. But why are we attracted to certain fantasies?

And isn't normal to have certain fantasies or no fantasies at all? On this episode, I reveal your top sex fantasies and why you have them. I also divulge your fantasy success stories and questions from pegging to threesomes. I give you tips for expanding your erotic imagination. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I always want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of listening this episode and how you think it may help you.

My intention is to take the stigma out of sexual fantasies, whether you want more insight into your own, or you've never had one at all, intention is take the stigma out of sexual fantasies, whether you want more insight into your own, or you've never had one at all, your fantasies are a sign of your overall sexual health and wellness. Please rate and review Sex with Emily, wherever you listen to the show, my new article, Seven Ways to Use a Magic Wand,

is up on my website, and I can't wait for you to read it. Because if you don't know about the magic wand, or you need to be inspired about the magic wand it is the original wand style massageer and it is a cultural icon it was one of my first vibrators that I ever had I actually got one when I was living in San Francisco years ago at good vibrations and it was when it only plugged into the wall at the time. I had to actually carve a hole in my nightstand so it would always be plugged in. That's how much I loved it. But here's some great news. They still have the original. You can plug it into the wall

but now they have rechargeable models but I am obsessed with the Magic Wand Mini. It is such a powerful motor and delivers those magical, deep, rumbly vibrations that magic wands are known for. It has a really soft silicone head. You can use it to massage, but I use it with myself. I use it with my partner. It's epic. I just want you all to try it.

It's powerful and it's discrete at the same time. So check out the article and check out why the New York Times named the vibrator of the year. Find out more of this at sexathomely.com slash magic wand. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithamily.com slash ask Emily or call my hatline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. Always include your name your age

where you live and how you listen to the show and you can totally change your name or choose to remain anonymous. enjoyed this episode. Alright, today's show we're talking sexual fantasies. Do you ever think about it? Like, why don't we talk about sexual fantasies? Why don't we share these with our partner? Are you embarrassed? Are you afraid they're really taboo? Well, here's the thing I want to tell you about fantasies.

First off, almost everyone has them. And if you don't have them, well, I'm going to inspire you and let you know how you can sort of channel your fantasies. But it gives us valuable data like, when we know what our fantasies are, well, then we know what turns us on. So I wanted to ask you, I went to you, our sex-elmate community, When we know what our fantasies are, well, then we know what turns us on. So I wanted to ask you, I went to you, our sex-elmium community, and I asked you on Instagram,

tell me. Tell us. What do you go to sexual fantasies? And we got so many responses. It was quite amazing. I love you guys, because you are so honest and so real, because I also asked you, okay, what's your top fantasies, but then we asked you, what's the fantasy you don't want to share with anybody?

But you don't want to share publicly, and while you told us as well, so thank you to all of you. All right, here are the results. This is your top fantasies. Ready? Number one, three sums. So this is really common.

So a lot of the fantasies that the sex with Emily Community had are also top fantasies universally. We also have some data to back this up, Justin Laymiller, who's been a guest on the show. He's a Kinsey Institute research fellow, led down the data. And he said that 95% of men and 80% of women said they'd fantasize about sex with multiple partners.

So you're not alone here. And there's many arrangements. For some, it's all men, all women, two men, one woman, two women, women, all the combinations, right? But why? Why is threesomes the fantasy that is the most common? Do you ever think about that? There's many reasons why this is a common fantasy.

First off, it's just something different, right? You can have sex with one person all the time, but you add someone else, you're like, wow, look at all these other body parts to play with. There's another set of breasts. There's another penis. There's another rova. How fun is that? It's novelty, which a lot of us are craving novelty in relationships, especially if we've been with someone for a while and we're like, okay, let me just try something new here I've been with your penis for a long time like here's another one, but besides just trying something new It's also, you know, because the seal is really taboo, right? We want to try things that are just not really accepted So there's different motivations for Three Sims or why we had these fantasies, but I just want to

or three sims or why we had these fantasies, but I just wanna cover something first, is that because of the top fantasy, remember there are two kinds of fantasies. There's the fantasies that you actually want to happen, and there's the fantasies that you just like to talk about. They look to fantasize about, and that's okay too. There's ones that you don't have to share with a partner or that you wanna share with a partner,

but since three sims is the most popular, I find that it's also the one that people actually want to try. And so I can't tell you how many questions I get from the community over the years about threesomes. But let me remind you of this, is that you should never be pressured into having a threesome. And even though one of the top motivators is, you know, people do it for their partners. They do it because their partner, you know, it's an altruistic fantasy and deed essentially

to please their partner that you have to make sure that you're on board with it as well. Because in just as many cases that three-sums can spark this incredible experience for partners in a relationship, you don't want to be something that you're going to regret. That you're going to hold against your partner. Why would you make me have this three-sum? Why do we do this? You don't want it to become something that can tear a relationship apart. And this happens when people don't actually talk about it. They don't set rules.

They don't set boundaries. They don't say guidelines. So I have very specific rules about how to go about having a threesome. I'll get into that in a minute. But let's just talk about the biological urge. What is the urge? Why are we all craving threesomes? So for a penis owner, if you're heterosexual, it can be intriguing against twice the body parts to enjoy sexually. There's also the biological urge to procreate with as many vulva owners as possible to spread your genes. You're like, well, I can have sex with one vulva or two. And then for vulva owners, you know, this desire could be tied to strength to finding the best possible genes out there for off-spring. And therefore, off-spring has a better chance for survival. So subconsciously, there may

be less benefit here. But if you want against the biology of fantasy, which I always think of sex, but I always think it's fascinating. Those are some reasons. It's like finding the most suitable mate. All right, so how do you do it? How do you actually have a threesome if this is your fantasy? Well, like I said, you have to have a conversation. You do not want to have a threesome to fix your relationship. I don't want to hear like our sex life has become really, really dull, so we're going to have a threesome to spice it up.

That never works. our sex life has become really, really dull. So we're gonna have a threesome to spice it up. That never works. Threesome's are the most successful in relationships where you're already on solid ground. You've had lots of conversations about your sex life, about your fantasies, about what turned you both on, and then you're like, well, maybe this would be really hot to try a threesome.

And in that case, I want you both to talk about it at Dozium. Talk about it, like, what is it gonna look like? How would we find our partner? Where are we gonna find our partner? Like, set boundaries and rules around it. And another great place to kind of practice is in the bedroom. Use dirty talk.

Like, talk it out, like, right now, like, when you're having sex, you could talk it out and you could sex and say, I'm picturing right now, someone else is going down on you and I find that really hot. And then you can test and say, does this feel really hot to me? Am I getting jealous? Did I think it was a turn on to fantasize about what in reality it might not be so hot? That's why I highly recommend role-playing it as well. Check off all those boxes, play with it, talk about it, and get clear with yourself. Like, why am I doing this? Am I only doing it for my partner, but there's

nothing about it that turns me on? Then no, Dresam is not for you. But if you've been interested and intrigued and you both kind of decided that you're going to try it out with another person because you both want to see how that would feel, then you're good. You're good to go. All right. So what do you do on the night off? You've finally already got into having a threesome. Check out our article on our website. We have a lot of information and full podcasts about threesome, but you could find one called,

how do we prepare for a threesome at sexathemely.com. And just remember, consent is really important. So make sure that everybody feels good about this, even the third partner. And also I want to say this. I'm talking about partner threesomes, but it's really hard to be. Some of the hardest threesomes are when you're not paired. When you're just sort of with a friend that you maybe you have a friend

with benefits relationship with, and then you meet somebody else. So my best threesomes were not planned out. I was not in a relationship and they were with people that I knew and trusted but it wasn't like a committed relationship and those can be really fun too. So just make sure that it's consensual. We do have a success story from Section Thumbnail listener, Adrian 30 in Washington DC. She sent me a message that she said I'm writing in response to your story about turning a fantasy into reality. Long story short, I recently started

hooking up with girls too, and getting more comfortable with my bisexuality. So I've long had the fantasy of a threesome, MFF, or a male, female, female threesome. So one night, a female friend was over and we ended up hooking up. That same night, a guy knew randomly texted me asking what's up and asked to grab drinks to catch up. And I decided to respond with want to come over

and have a threesome instead winky face. We ended up getting out tellroom and had the most fun threesome together that night. It was actually really successful. Not as awkward as expected and we all really enjoyed it. I'll look forward to another one sometime soon. So like I said, some of the best are random and not planned at all. So the second most common fantasy is CNC or consensual non-consensual sex. If you're going, what? What are you talking about? How is something consensual and non-consensual sex. If you're going what? What are you talking about? How is something consensual and non-consensual? Well in other words, we're talking about forced sex. It's a fantasy that is around you are being forced to have sex. And so the disclaimer here about content,

we are going to have some mentions of sexual violence. And if that's not for you, please feel free to skip ahead. Now, some people are very opposed to talk about CNC. It's even engaging CNC because it makes light of actual trauma, which I totally understand. Everyone, that's, it's a great thing about sex and about our fantasy life is that we get to decide what feels good for us, what works for us, and we don't want to shame others for having their fantasies, right? One of my big messages here always for all of you is that so much suffering around sex comes from this external pressure we feel from this mythical society that's going to come knock on our door like the sex place and be like, I can't believe you had a fantasy about this, you are wrong. You are evil. Well, guess what? That

person doesn't exist. That's not going to happen. And we all get to decide what works for us and what turns us on. And we're all going to have much better, much more enjoyable, pleasurable sex that way. So let's get into it because it's such a common fantasy. I wanted to break it down for you way. So let's get into it because it's such a common fantasy. I wanted to break it down for you and give you some facts. So what is it? Like I said, CNC, it's consensual and non-consensual sex. So it's a type of BDSM play, it's a type of power play. Chorus of sex, four sex, and as he will call it the rate fantasy, in most cases, it's a case of a vulva honor having sex against her will with a penis owner. And I just have to say that I am not saying that we want to be raped at all. We're just saying that we have this fantasy.

And the Journal of Sexual Research said that 62% of women report having this fantasy and many fantasize about it multiple times of year. So why are people interested? All right, let me say again, nothing to do at all with wanting to be or having experience with rape. There's a few reasons. There's something about feeling that you're in danger, right? Like our adrenaline gets pumping

and like I'm in danger, but there's not really a risk. Like just that heightened scenario can be really hot. It's the same reason why people like power play. They like dominance and submission. That's just hot. And this is same reason why people like power play. They like dominance and submission. That's just hot. And this is just another way to play with that. There's something really sexy about relinquishing control and saying, you know what? This person wants me so badly and I have no control over their lust, over their desire. They're gonna ravish me and I am just innocent victim. And there's something really hot about this

I am just innocent victim. And there's something really hot about this pretend scenario. That's an unconstrained sexuality. But I'm also gonna say that a lot of Volvo owners have a lot of guilt around sexuality. They have guilt around having this fantasy. They've guilt around having desire at all. A lot of Volvo owners walk around feeling guilty

that we are just sexual. Like, I'm a bad person. And there's a lot of reasons for that. It could be the way we grew up. Maybe we grew up at a home that was not supportive of us being sexual. So this particular fantasy says, well, you know what? It's out of my hands. This person wants me so badly.

I can't do anything about it. I'm absolved of all my guilt. There are a lot of people who have been victims of assault and of rape. And they have learned through really wonderful intense trauma therapy and working with somebody that they can actually use this fantasy as erotic fodder. They've been able to kind of take control of that narrative around that trauma and use it for their own eroticism and their own turn-ons. And it's kind of like saying, that narrative around that trauma and use it for their own eroticism and their own turn-ons.

And it's kind of like saying, fuck you to my trauma and saying, you know what, I'm not gonna let you control my sexuality, I'm gonna do some work on myself and I'm gonna use this horrible thing that happened to me and make it hot, all right? And that's all okay too. Because as you can imagine, somebody who has been a victim of this can feel guilt about

that too. They're like, not only was this my biggest trauma, but now I'm using it as a turn on. And again, you know, I say to that and let that go. All I want for all of you and why I'm doing this show right now in this episode is because I want you all to understand your fantasies, to know that they are your friend and how to use them in a really sex positive way. That's going to be healing for all. All right. So how do we do this? How do we move into CNC? and how to use them in a really sex-positive way that's gonna be healing for all.

All right, so how do we do this? How do we move into CNC? Well, we've got a great article on our website called Your Guide to CNC. And check out that article, but some other general tips are you wanna find a part of your trust, you wanna communicate clear boundaries, and you definitely don't wanna do it alcohol or drugs,

and you wanna find a safe word. Okay, so here's some examples. You can have like a pretend fight and you could like recreate angry sex because angry sex, why do we love angry sex or make up sex because you get that adrenaline right? You get that sense of adrenaline but you can recreate that. Get yourself turned on and you're getting physical that's like a little physical fight. That could be your turn on. Maybe it's like a burglar with a homeowner, someone breaks in and ties you up and says,

like, you know, hey, you know, I didn't know you were here. And it's a whole pretend scenario. There's also like sleeping beauty. Maybe you're sleeping and your partner comes in and wakes you up. Kidnapper, victim, play with all of these. Find what turns you on to make this fancy a reality. And the sex-family community's number three top fantasy

is cuckolding and hot wiping. All right, what, what? What do we say? Like, what is cuckolding? What is hot wiping? Essentially it's a fantasy of a guy getting turned on by his wife or girlfriend sleeping with someone else. And let me just give you a little disclaimer here

because this specific fantasy is related to the institution of marriage and commitment between a man and wife. So obviously any gender can play with this fantasy and has this fantasy, any combination of gender identities, but I'm going to be talking in terms of wife and husband and man and woman here. All right. So how wife essentially, it is a married woman who has sex outside of the marriage and her husband is down with it. In fact, it's a big source of his pleasure. He takes such pleasure in knowing that other guys

find his wife attractive. And it's grown in recent years. People are talking about it more. You'll see it on the apps. A lot of these apps like field, where couples are like finding a third partner. The app is called F-E-E-L-D and you'll see like, how I'm into hot white thing, I'm into cuckolding. So this is a really common one. But the next one is cuckolding.

This one is similar, but in this case, the husband has pleasure, but it's usually the source of that pleasure comes from humiliation. But in this case, the husband has pleasure, but it's usually the source of that pleasure comes from humiliation. And that's the humiliation of watching his wife with somebody else. So the husband might even have less control here.

He might be tied up or watching from a video camera. And it's a little bit more shameful. He might be picking partners that have a larger penis so it feels as if his person is way more attractive than he is, but it sort of flips the humiliation and becomes a source of his arousal. So he might not even have any choice or say about it, who the partner is. But she's like, I'm sleeping with somebody else and this is the deal. So why are people into it? Why is this a fantasy? Well, first it is taboo, right? We all love those taboos,

but you think about it. Our society idealizes monogamy. No other relationships in our world is accepted. In fact, you get like a tax break if you are monogamous, but being like polyamorous or swingers or cuckolding, like that is not a narrative that flows easily. So we like things that are a little bit out there, a little bit different.

And for some of us, we might get aroused by jealousy. Like being jealous might actually be a turn on. If you think this to biology, there's a possibility of watching your wife with somebody else can turn a guy on because they can compete and beat their sperm for fertilization, which is very, very risky. Think about it. This other partner could get my partner pregnant and that is like scary slash humiliating slash hot. So how do you even do this? Well first everything I've told you about threesomes and trying new things in a relationship, it all comes back to communication. You got to talk about this a lot before it happens. Are you just watching? Are you involved? How do you find a third?

All the things all right the fourth one the fourth fantasy that we heard from the sex dummy community is being dominated Power dynamics. So this came from all genders all gender preferences and that is the desire to be dominated essentially power play one person Has more power than the other one. Dominate, submissive, play, so pegging, for example. This was another common subcategory here where the penis owner is being penetrated by a vulva owner using a strap on or a dildo. We did a whole episode on pegging, so check that out. And we'll also have that in the show notes. In fact, everything that I'm mentioning are articles and our podcasts will be in the show notes. And what was really great to hear

is that a lot of Volvo owners are interested in doing the pegging. So that was part of it. And then penis owners want to be pegged. And I love that pegging is on the rise because it can be really, really hot for a penis owner to be penetrated, annually, because the prostate can feel amazing and it's

for everybody who has one, right? It doesn't matter. Your gender, your sexual orientation, it can feel amazing to be packed. So why are we going to this? There's just something really a turn on about relinquishing control. And I'm not saying that your partner is like superior to you or you're really weak when you're relinquishing control. And in fact, the sub holds the power in relationships because the sub is deciding what's going to happen, what's not going to happen, especially if you're somebody who is in control in every other area of your life, maybe you have a really intense job or you're writing a household. And when you get into the bedroom, you're like, I just want to really get control. And as well as a woman to describe it,

it's like a vacation. I don't have to manage anything and I don't have to be in charge. And also, it's just really vulnerable, too. So here's a success story that we got from Mike 36 in Denver. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your show for a short period of time and during the weekend, I used your suggestion.

I overcame my fear and explained to my wife of eight years that I'm a submissive by nature and I gave her permission to make our sex life more about her pleasure and to be dominant in nature. Her reaction was incredibly positive, and since then, we've discussed a number of topics I would never have imagined we would have discussed this time last week. She's already started to incorporate small acts of dominance into our play and she is worryingly LOL a natural. I can't wait to see where this leads. All right, I love this story, thank you Mike for letting me know this. And I just want to highlight something here. His wife of eight years, he couldn't have imagined a week ago

that she would have been willing to live out his fantasy. And all he did was have a conversation with her. He's a listener to the show, so he did it. Honestly, and he probably followed by three T's timing tone and turf, and he knew how to talk about it. But let me remind you that talking about fantasies and sharing your authentic turn-ons with your

partner really helps enhance intimacy and helps with your communication and every other area of your relationship. You both were trying roles that you weren't used to and seeing your partner trying something new that's actually about your pleasure is really a turn-on and I'm sure it's going to enhance other areas of your relationship as well. So how do we do this fantasy? How do we act out being more dominant in our relationships? We do have a great article How to Be More Dominant in Bed, which I will link in the show notes. And also just get a sense of which role you might be into, Dom or Sub, it's okay to be a switch.

You want to negotiate the scene, you want to use a safe word, so check out the article for more guidance. So those are the top fantasies, and just so you know that was from the section of the community, but they also mere a lot of research and studies that have been done on fantasies overall. Now, I noticed some common threads in your fantasies here, and well, they involved other people, like thresomes and cuckolding, and a lot of you talked about exhibitionism,

you wanna bring someone else in. And some of you wanna turn a negative experience that you might be having into a more positive experience, and that would be like CNC or humiliation, and finding some seemingly negative or less erotic scenarios but making them hot. And I love seeing all the creativity that you have in fantasies as well. And what I hope you're getting so far before I get into your questions is that there's

been no shame in your fantasies and that having a rich fantasy life is part of having an overall healthy sex life. And in many cases, just talking about it with your partner is one way to make it all happen. And I just want everyone to have no shame in this and be willing and feeling more encouraged and inspired to explore. So I hope you take that away. So those are your top sexual fantasies you can try out with partner and we come back I'm going to answer some of your sex questions, so don't go anywhere This is from Tim 27 in Long Island Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm 27. I've listened to your show. My girlfriend's 27 and we've been together five years have a very healthy sex life. We have sex off in mutual masturbation,

we've got toys, all the things. However, she seems to have a tough time fantasizing in fields as though she just can't visualize things. And I've tried talking through different fantasies that I've had. I talk about other men. She finds attractive to help her get over that. She's tried audio porn and we even have a subscription to Palessa. Any ideas to help her get over that hump and be able to develop fantasies? Thanks and I love love love your show. I've learned so much and it's opened tons of doors for me sexually. All right, thank you Tim for your question. I so appreciate you and I love that the show has helped you. I'm glad this question came up because this is a really common question.

We all probably have something that we might find hot or return on, but some people's fantasies are really elaborate. Some people just do it naturally and some people need a little bit more fodder and they need to kind of look at their lives a little bit differently to see like what's a kernel of something that Turns them on and they find erotic I mean I don't know if this speaks to your part or team But for a lot of us it just doesn't come naturally and that's okay So a great place to start is to think back to your how to sexual counter if I said to you tell me the how to tell you it sex

What comes to mind? Maybe it was having sex in a hotel room with your partner and somebody almost walked in on you. And every time you think about that, you get really turned on. Well, those are some clues there. Every time that you think back to a sexual memory, think back like was it that you were afraid of getting caught? So then you know, oh, maybe I can apply that to other scenarios. Maybe I should experiment with some like porn or audio radical or even just making up stories excepting with a partner or sharing this with them. You might be able to find some scenarios in there that you find really, really hot.

Another common fantasy might be your partner, which is going down on you and you weren't having to do anything else. So maybe there could be a night then, you know what? I just want to have a night where you're just going down to me or giving me a massage. And then next week, I'll do that to you. So maybe you felt such a release and you felt all the pressure was off of you when you were only being served, right? So these little clues will help you cultivate your sexual fantasies. So pay attention to them. And that's how we can all start to develop a richer fantasy life. Okay, this is from Shannon 27 in Oregon.

Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Shannon. I'm 27 years old. And my partner, Sysman, is a year and a half younger than me, and we've been together for a little over a year. I'm having issues talking with him about sex and things that I would like to explore. So my partner's been in several two to three year long relationships before we got together. And I've been about two year long relationships before dating him. Well, a few months into our relationship, we started talking about what we fantasize about or were interested in trying sexually.

And it became clear to me that he's experienced so much more than me sexually, and that intimidates me. Now, there's certain things I want to try, but I know he's already done them and the thought of trying them with him makes me feel very vulnerable. He's told me that it's hard not to compare our relationship to his previous relationship and I'm insecure up being compared to them.

I know to say these things to him will give them less power over me, but do you have any advice on how to approach the conversation and where we should go from here? Thanks. Thank you so much, Shannon, for your email. So just to sum this up real quick, it sounds like first you guys are in a good place. You talk about your fantasies, what you want to try sexually, which is all really good information for me to have and also really good for your relationship. So what I want to hone in and hear

though is that it sounds like you were sharing information and then you got in your head about it and it started to sort of stoke some jealousy and some insecurities. You start comparing yourself to his previous partners and then you get in your head and nothing feels good here. And then he said to you, well, I can't help but compare you to my previous partners, which also doesn't feel good. So let's just talk about this because it's really a lot of times our jealousies and our non-securities

are more about us. Now, where it can also stem from is your past experiences in relationships. I'm curious, has something happened in your past? Did you have a partner that maybe made you feel less than or you felt less than in the relationship? You know, are you having challenges around your self-confidence overall?

How have you been feeling lately? Because sometimes this has to, again, more to do with what we're working on in ourselves than your partner. Because remember, he's with you. He's now with his ex. He could be with his ex perhaps, I don't know, but I like to think that our exes are access for a reason, right? We can all kind of think as a few good memories with them, but there's a reason why he's with you having these

Conversations, so I think you have to remember that and so I think it's important when you're having this conversation with them Because you're asking me how to communicate better with him is just to be really honest and it's okay to be vulnerable and say You know what when you talk about these past experiences? I start to feel vulnerable and it makes you feel insecure. And you could say, you know, I feel like I won't live up to her. But I'm in this and I love you and I love our relationship and I really want to, you know, make this work.

You understand that shedding light on the things that we hold in the dark can set us free. And so I'm just thinking that the more honest and vulnerable you are while that, the easier it will be for you guys to kind of clear that and say, all right, so what are we going to try together? Because once you can put your energy towards creating a really hot situation with your partner and trying new fantasies, maybe go to our website, check out the yes, no, maybe list.

Once you spend more energy on building this hot connection with him, your thoughts about this X and all the other things are just going to kind of slowly fade away because it really does over time. But it's the power that you're giving to him by thinking about it and sort of ruining you know, over it. That is triggering you. And I also want to say that remember that every time with a new partner, it's almost like we can wipe clean the slate from the past and you're starting new. It's the two of you together creating a new sexual scenario. So you get to start again, is what I'm saying.

Like I really think every time we have sex with someone is a new experience because it's the two of you. So whatever he created with his accent, whatever you had with your ex, will never be the same with somebody else. So it's the two of you. So, whatever he created with his accent, whatever you had with your ex, will never be the same with somebody else. So, it's something new and exciting that you both get to create. You know, great exercises to kind of journal about things

and think about the things that your partner does, love about you and appreciate about you. And sometimes it's really helpful to have these notes just to reflect back to when we're feeling insecure and we're not feeling great about ourselves as to think about all the great things that you do have so well You recognize that these you know negative voices might be coming up in your head You can also go back to you know journaling or some words that allow you to remember that you guys are in this together and you're trying to

create a new Sexual relationship. I think that again talking to him being honest and vulnerable and then saying all right I clear that out now what can we try being honest and vulnerable and then saying, all right, I clear that out. Now, what can we try next? What do we want to do together? And that's going to help build confidence just by talking about it. And then just saying, you know what? This is hard for you, but I want to start experiencing new things.

I want to start trying new things in the bedroom with you. And then after a while, you're going to feel this strong connection with your partner and you won't even be thinking about the past. All right. Thank you so much, Shannon, for your email. I appreciate you. This is from Scott51 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been married for 26 years. We're both in our early 50s.

I still have a high sex drive and she really doesn't. We talked recently and she understands she's trying. I respect and appreciate that. But what's still missing is fulfilling my fantasies. She never asks, never tries even though she knows some of them. Because I've told her, but what's still missing is fulfilling my fantasies. She never asks, never tries even though she knows some of them because I've told her, but there's no effort, no desire or passion for filling them. She never has fantasies, desires, or anything. She's happy with the basics of what we do. I want more. I've always just accepted the status quo,

but I'd really like more and don't know how to go about it. Is it normal for her to have no desires or fantasies? I want her to have wants and desire so I can make them a reality. I've brought toys and she was okay with one of them and another one she tossed back to me and said she was tired and wanted to sleep. And one of them has been in my nightstand for two and a half years and she's never asked me about it. I by lingerie, she hasn't wear it, not her style. I'm like, it's new. Let's try it.

Nope. I'm feeling stuff wanting more new. Let's try it. Nope. I'm feeling stuff wanting more and knowing it will never happen. I've never heard of people not having fantasies before and not wanting to do them for a partner. It shouldn't need to try all of them, but maybe a couple of them. Just looking for advice and what to do next. Help. Alright. Thank you for your question.

Scott, wow, you've been together for 26 years, so congratulations on that. And first I'm wondering, what was your sexual relationship like at the beginning of the relationship? Did it sort of wane over time? Have you ever been able to talk to her about your sex life previously and there were some improvements or are you just starting right now 26 years in? Because we all get really, really set in our ways, you have to remember that. You guys have a dynamic going and I'm going to think that she wants to be a great lover to you. I just make these assumptions. If we're with partners for a while and we're loving and we care about them, she probably does want that for you, but maybe she doesn't really understand how to go about it. So that's when we love these requests through our partners and we're like, hey,

let's do these fantasies or hey, let's try something new in the bedroom. They're just like, yeah, I might or I would or maybe even know. There's a few things going on here in long-term relationships. Either you guys haven't paid the groundwork for talking about sex, which is actually more common than not. So now she's hearing you having these requests about fantasies and she's like,

whatever happened to our sex life. Like, I don't even know what to do with this. This is not who I am. I don't know how to reenact these fantasies or what to do for you. Like she really might not actually know what to do about it. But I think maybe if you could reframe the conversation with her and say, you know what, I know I've made these requests and it seems like none of them have

happened. And I just want to talk to you about our sex life. And I want to know, are you interested in becoming great lovers to each other? Is this something that you would like to do? Because I think we can start now thinking about the things that, you know, we want to do. We want to try because she's just saying, no, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to focus on our sex life. Well, to me, that is going to take some therapy.

Then resentments are building. There's frustrations. She doesn't know how to please you. And I'm afraid it's how you're not going to be able to break through here with some of my typical advice, which would be have a conversation, do the S new maybe list, find out what her top fantasies are, what her's hottest sexual moments are in your relationship. What it sounded to me is like she just doesn't want to talk about sex, she's not really interested in it right now.

That's why it might take a little bit of therapy and some help with someone who can help facilitate these conversations. So you can really get to the bottom of like, like, what is it about talking about sex? What is it about trying new things in the bedroom? You know, maybe there are some triggers around it. Maybe she thinks that you're gonna wanna do things that might be a get something that she believes in. I'm not sure what those are.

Maybe she feels bad about her body right now. Maybe she's having some pain, you know? I remember there was a caller once who just said to get trying and trying new stuff, a break-it-div of divorce with his partner for years He was like babe. What do you want to do? What's going on? She wouldn't talk about it. Finally she was like I have pain I have pain during sex and I was too afraid to tell you and sure enough they went She went to see pelvic floor physical therapist

She wouldn't got in a hormone replacement therapy and think she was able to be a An incredible sexual lover to him and they were having sex way more frequently and they didn't get any divorce. So sometimes there's things going on that we don't even know about. So I'm wondering if the approach here would be to talk to her about something less to do with your fantasy life

and more to do with what is gonna turn around sexually like maybe we just scale it back. So maybe taking the pressure off of her to kind of fulfill some sexual fantasy but to kind of start with ground zero and say, let's just commit that after all these years together, we both want to be great lovers to each other and we both want to, you know, figure out ways to enhance our intimacy and make sure that we can continue going the distance for another 25 years. All right, Scott, thanks for your question, I appreciate you, and let me know how it goes. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemley.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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