Sex With Emily - Your Top Sex Questions of 2023

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

I’m answering your top asked sex questions of 2023 and taking a trip through the hottest moments of the year. It’s the last episode of 2023, and there were definitely some standout episodes you al...l loved the most. So I’m playing some of the highlights, from my fascinating conversation with Esther Perel to my top Hand Play tips, before answering your top questions.In this episode, you’ll learn:What squirting really is and how to do itHow often the average couple has sexHow to have satisfying sex on SSRIsSee the full show notes at Notes:How to Have the Best NYE Kiss EverPodcast: Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex? w/ Esther PerelMore Esther Perel: Website | Instagram | TwitterSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 A great way to get out of your head is to simply pay attention to be present and attuned to your partner's body and their reactions. And hopefully if you're the recipient, you feel good about sharing with your partner. Oh, that felt great. You know, don't stop or I liked it a little bit softer. I liked it a little bit harder. Could you go back to the spot and there's no shame in showing them with your own hands or taking their hands and placing it over your fingers
Starting point is 00:00:28 because we are the experts of our own pleasure. We know what feels good. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today I'm answering your top asked sex questions of 2023, plus taking you on a trip through the hottest moments of the year. It is the last episode of 2023,
Starting point is 00:00:53 and there were definitely some standout episodes that you all love the most. So I'm going to play some of the highlights of the year for my fascinating conversation with Esther Paral to my top handplay tips to just some really good moments in case you missed it. But you can always check out all of our episodes. So thanks everyone for following along as we close up the 18th year and head into our 19th year of Sex with Family. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new article,
Starting point is 00:01:19 how to have the best New Year's Eve kids ever, is up on Sex with Emily dot com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright everyone, welcome to our last episode of 2023. What a wild year this has been. So many exciting things happen in the world of sex with Emily. I'll go first here. My book Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure came out in June and it's been so wonderful hearing from all of you. How the books resonated. A lot of people are doing it together with their partners and doing the exercises and just people of all ages. So it's been really exciting. I launched my shop with Emily Sight and it's been a lot of years in the making.
Starting point is 00:02:13 I always wanted to create a really safe place for people to shop for toys that they can trust that's accessible, that you know that if you buy something on a site, it's going to feel good. So that's just been really exciting because I didn a site, it's going to feel good. So that's just been really exciting because I didn't know how it was going to go, but a lot of you have been visiting and shopping and buying and just stay tuned, because we just keep adding more products
Starting point is 00:02:34 and it's just getting better and better. So we're also built a new podcast studio. We're going to be doing more video. So there was a lot of happiness, sex with Emily, and I want to say, as I close out my 18th year of doing the podcast, which is just crazy. Yes, there was podcasts in 2005, not many of them, but it's just been a long journey. And I want to thank everybody for continuing to listen to two episodes a week, being fans
Starting point is 00:02:56 of the show and following up and being really vulnerable and sharing your questions and sharing the show with your friends and just being part of the sex-loving community. I couldn't do any of this without you. I'm just so grateful that we continue to grow and learn together and a lot of new exciting things happening next year for the pod as well. That was my year. How was your year? I hope it was wonderful. It was also fun. Let me just say this to go on the road with Smart Sex. We just went to two cities, but next year I plan to be on the road more, and I would love to meet you wherever you live in your hometown, so we'll be setting more information on that.
Starting point is 00:03:34 Cause let's just get together and talk about sex. How about that? I'm going to dive into your top 10 most ass sex questions of the year at the end of this episode and answer them. Not going to leave you hanging. But first, I thought it'd be fun to take a walk down memory lane, do a little highlight reel of some of my favorite moments from the episodes this year. And what a better way to start than to clip from Esther Pearl's episode.
Starting point is 00:03:53 Psychotherapist Esther Pearl is well known for her work on human relationships and erotic intelligence, her iconic bestseller's mating captivity in state of affairs, and she's also the host of The Weir Should We Begin podcast. I'll put all the links in the show notes but for now let's get into it. The other question I get asked a lot and I wanted to get your take on this is people often say to me, I'm sure they say this due all the time, can we get the traction back? Can we get the sex life back? But here's the caveat, if they never had it in the beginning. How do you answer it then? Of course. Esther, this is what I say and I've been dying to ask you this question. I say it's really
Starting point is 00:04:29 challenging. If you never had it in the beginning, like there was no spark, there was nothing, it was maybe more of a marriage of convenience or you kind of always resented your part of the sex was never great, that it is really challenging to like rub sticks together and make the spark come if you never had it in the beginning. But I'm so curious what you would say about that. It's one of the things I sometimes think, but I've seen so many variations on the situation, right? So, I start from the premise that our emotional needs are not always aligned with our sexual needs. What makes us feel good emotionally is not necessarily what excites us sexually.
Starting point is 00:05:12 So it's not about the convenience, it's that you choose someone who answered one set of wishes and needs, but not another. You did choose right, but you chose somebody, you know, who you knew was steady, who wouldn't abandon you, who wouldn't cheat on you, who knew would encourage you to blossom. There's a lot of beautiful emotional reasons for choosing someone, and you have to honor that. Now, the question becomes, it's not just a matter
Starting point is 00:05:40 of chemistry. I think that I have seen many people who didn't have it from the beginning because that's in their head. They said, that's not why I choose you. I choose you for other reasons. For example, if I think of you as the steady person who you're not the erotic type, as in you're not the one I have to worry about. You don't look around. You wonder if it's true or you wonder to what extent I do this because when I clip your wings in my imagination, in my head, I make you safe for me.
Starting point is 00:06:19 An idea, I re-size you in the interest of other needs that have to do with security attachment, and stability, et cetera. You see, it's not just, or we didn't have the spark. I think that it's not the way it works. I've worked with enough people who are queer people in multiple relationships, and they find the source of their sexual interest in multiple places. It doesn't come just from sheer excitement and attraction. It sometimes comes from the depth of the connection, the curiosity. So it's an important part
Starting point is 00:06:52 is to say, why, what is your investment in this relationship not being so sexual? Now, are there people with whom you play better music than others absolutely. You can improvise with this one, you can never play with that one. And so then the question is, maybe you won't have that kind of sex. Maybe you won't play that kind of music. Maybe this is music where you each take turns. This is music that has a different intensity. No, this is not the music where you stay till four o'clock in the morning, you know, each driving on the other. But there are different types of music to play. Are you interested in playing
Starting point is 00:07:30 other music or is your only interest the best music you've ever played? If the only sex that is good is that unbridled sex that was uncomplicated, easy, you know, groove from moment one, then you're not going to find that here. But are you curious about finding another type of sexuality here? No, it won't be as good as the other, but that doesn't mean that it has to be none. What you're saying is if both people are like, we really want to find it. We want to find a way to connect a naked to sort of do some exploring together and figure out what kind of music works with them. They can both sing too. Yeah, I mean compatibility is this side. Some couples are definitely more
Starting point is 00:08:11 compatible than others. In multiple areas, with one, you can sleep very well and have great sex, but not talk. We have different levels of compatibility. The question is, what do you do with your disappointment? We will never have this is such a defeating statement that nothing can come from there, you know, and but I have also seen people who had zero of that connection and then the partner goes and has an affair and suddenly they have a voracious hunger. You know, this thing, lack of desire or lack of sexual interest or disexualizing the other plays itself in many different, has many different facets. So I've seen people who were, for years, uninterested in their partner until someone else became
Starting point is 00:09:01 interested in their partner. Classic. And then suddenly their partner was no long or the flat and night down. They became the nice silk. We don't respect them or we don't we lose interest and then we can't have them and then it becomes that spark, right? That friction that you often talk about, right? Or we take or we relate to them like family members. One of the primary reasons people de-seualize their partners is because they become family and they treat their partners like family in the good sense of the world. But some people
Starting point is 00:09:32 experience family in such a way that the sex starts to feel incestuous. It's like I'm with my brother, I'm with my sister, I'm with my best friend. They tell it to you, you know, I feel like I'm with my Like a parent I feel like I'm with a child. No, you don't want to have sex with a child if your head is screwed right So the the familiarization it's not familiarization, but familiarization of your partner is often a major deterrent to being able to sexualize yourself with them or sexualize them in your eyes. More than many others. As there I think that that is so relatable and I think that that is absolutely the
Starting point is 00:10:13 case that we feel we become so close. I mean this is your your seminal work of median captivity which just that notion that we're all walking around feeling that this person is so familiar. I used to have this spark at the beginning But now literally I've seen them do everything or I've seen her from friends You know, he watched me get birth the three children came out of my vagina Now how am I supposed to want to have sex with them? And so this family familiarity is so relatable and relevant and that's what sometimes it's the woman herself right who says I feel mother in this house I feel mother. In this house, I feel mother.
Starting point is 00:10:47 And from the place of mother, I have a hard time accessing my erotic energy. And so sometimes people find it much easier to leave and go and be elsewhere outside of the frame. It's not just the others are family. It's also in my role as this person, especially for women and motherhood. It's often more difficult to access the sexual self inside. I just love talking to Esther and you can also listen to the whole episode which is linked here. So in the next clip, we're going to cover another commonly asked question,
Starting point is 00:11:21 how often should you be having sex? I get asked that question all the time. By couple of those people on the street, like, do we have just the right amount of time we should have sex? So producer Eric and I discussed this in a popular sex in the news episode this year. So let's hear it. We've got some amazing articles pulled up right now. There's been a lot happening in the newslett league when it comes to sex. There's some great research, there's some interesting studies, there's some things that people are doing that are just going to probably blow your mind and inspire you. And so I'm here with producer Erica and we're going to go through them with you today. We're going to get into it. And if you remember the serious sex M days, I used to do sex in the news. I think when the show
Starting point is 00:12:02 first started 18 years ago, I did a lot of sex in the news, and it is time because we got a lot of news to get job on. There's a lot going on in the world right now. Erica, I want to start with this one because this is probably one of the most common questions I get asked from couples. Usually it's one person in a couple who says to me, how often should we be having sex all the time. So, this is how often. happy long-term couples have sex.
Starting point is 00:12:27 Do you meet the number? 2000 British couples in happy long-term relationships revealed how often they get steamy between the sheets. They found the couples that had been together for a minimum of 10 years had sex seven times a month on average. So I guess that's like a quarter and a half times a week. Yeah, do you think that's? What and a half times a week. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Do you think that's... What's the half time you think it's just a hand job? Right. What a half time like a... Yeah. They said the magic number helped them build a successful relationship. Here's the other things they said
Starting point is 00:12:57 that they did not believe sex was the most defining part of their unions and they said having fun together was a crucial factor for their relationship and what's kept them together for more than a decade. They also said that compromise, having no secrets, having the same sense of humor were also valued
Starting point is 00:13:12 is more important than the bedroom. Do you agree? When people ask me this question, Eric, I always say I'm not gonna give you a number. I say I'm not gonna tell you a number because you're gonna lock into that number and you're gonna be like, okay, you're gonna pair me to everyone else.
Starting point is 00:13:25 But what I have found is that on average, what works is about once a week. That's like, if you made me, you had a gun to my head, you're like, give me number once a week works. And I think that once every 10 days, doesn't work, once a month, probably doesn't work for couples. Now, let me also say this caveat, if you're in a relationship, you're like,
Starting point is 00:13:42 no, Emily, you're wrong, because my partner and I have sex once a month, and we're both very happy about it. Then there isn't a problem. But I would say really, call him to the show because I want to talk to you both, and then I find that usually there's one partner who usually wants it more in that scenario.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Because I found that usually there's not couples where they both match up and have the same exact sex drive. There's always one who wants it a little more than the other one, and I want to normalize that. So if you can get down to a number here and say okay, one and a half times is the norm and that helps you Somehow get to a place of feeling like good about it, and that's fine And you're a lot of you to study to say like this might work for us I think that's pretty much make sense. It's like working out once a week
Starting point is 00:14:19 Isn't it once a week doesn't really help you either you kind of need to do it twice a week or three times a week But sex a little different. It's like you can't. Sex different. Well, partner sex. Partner sex different. If you're talking about solo sex as well, then that's probably.
Starting point is 00:14:33 It's probably, yeah. It's probably a little more than that. I would say that you should do solo sex a little bit more than once a week. But partner sex, there's a lot going on in your lives. If you can come together once a week or one and a half times a week, I want to put that one and a half to be
Starting point is 00:14:44 saying that mutual masturbation could be that half. Yes. Because mutual masturbation is actually a great way that it's sort of like masturbation, but you're both getting off and it's less complicated perhaps. It's less like we got to get into position, we both like, but you know you're going to have orgasms, it's going to move a lot quicker, and it's still about connection. Because you know that one of my missions is to de-center sex I'm penetration that if you make that half-time a mutual masturbation. It's not about penetration
Starting point is 00:15:11 You're still connecting and you're still having orgasms which we know is great for our mental health our physical health I wonder too if the one and a half times could be one time is like penciled in the calendar Every week because you always talk about how amazing scheduling sexes, finding a time that works for the both of you, if neither of you are one of you's not a rouse in the morning, then why would you try to have sex in the morning? And then the halftime could be like, ooh, it was spontaneous one. Yeah, it could be a floater.
Starting point is 00:15:34 I like that. And then also, you guys remember this, sex begets sex. So you just might find out that we had sex on Thursday night because that was our penciled in night. And then you woke up five a morning, still feeling like it was in your system and you want to have sex again. That's really, really common. So just try to get that one time down and then let this floating half sex thing happen
Starting point is 00:15:55 as it will. A floater. I love it. Next, I know you all love specific sex tips and you all especially loved our handplay episode from earlier this year. So I wanted to highlight a clip from that episode that talks about the importance of using your hands in any sexual context, no matter what you're doing or who you're doing it with. Plus we also get into techniques to make your partner feel amazing. So today's show is about
Starting point is 00:16:23 something that everybody could use a little refresh run, including myself. I got inspired when prepping for this show, because you know, there's a lot of things we could do to spice up our sex life. You know we talk about positions, and we talk about toys, and we talk about products and lobes,
Starting point is 00:16:37 and you know this show is chock full of tips, but specifically, hand play, aka fingering, using your hands during sex, is a lost art. I don't think we often think about that two of them was powerful accessories. Pretty much all of us have our hands. Our hands are so effective at providing more pleasure
Starting point is 00:17:01 to ourselves and our partners, but as long as we forget about it. And I'm here with my producer, Erica, today, because I really just wanted to get into this. We want to talk about using our hands. We want to talk about fingering. We just sometimes get right into sex. We go right into penetration.
Starting point is 00:17:17 And we forget that hands can really up level the pleasure that we're feeling during sex in pretty much any situation from kissing to obviously hand jobs, for play, all the things. Cross state massage. Cross state massage. Even when you're making out with someone, from having to stroke your partner's cheek, play with their hair.
Starting point is 00:17:35 I want you to re-examine your hands as one of the most useful tools in your sexual toolbox. Emily and I were talking about how hands are one of the things that take sex from feeling mechanical to feeling like a really intimate moment. You're so focused on how you're kissing someone, the techniques you're using, you're forgetting about using their hands to think about your partner as like a whole person, rather than just someone you're having sex with.
Starting point is 00:18:02 Even just saying that, like picturing like someone's hand in my face or on my neck, it makes it more intimate. You instantly feel more connected. And also you feel more at ease by someone's hands touching you or holding someone's hand during sex. You know, I think about the classic romantic move of like making out and then like stroking their cheek.
Starting point is 00:18:22 The reason why we love all these moments and why they're sort of something that we fantasize about or that we crave is because it's just more ways to feel connected, but also to stimulate all these nerve endings that we have all over our body. And while this might seem obvious or intuitive for many of us, it's just not because again, like Eric was saying, we sit sort of frozen and like right now I'm doing missionary or I'm going down to my partner, but there's
Starting point is 00:18:48 nothing like, you know, in the middle of a make out, maybe like grabbing your partner's ass or, you know, grabbing their face and kissing them or gently pressing their face or if you're going down to someone applying a finger using both hands, you know, that's something that can just really elevate sex. And I feel like your hands really set the tone of the energy. If it's a gentle caress, sex is going to feel more intimate. If you're grabbing their neck, it's going to feel like a heightened passion. It's going to feel maybe a little more aggressive or rough. It completely sets the tone way more than your technique giving a hand job.
Starting point is 00:19:25 The other thing about this is sex is so centered on penetration. And you know, like one of the missions here on the show is to get people to realize it, like there's so many other ways that we can have pleasure. And so for the majority of vulva owners, I just want to remind you that how we're going to orgasm is through hands, mouth, or toys. Not necessary through penetration, through a penis. And actually, vulva owners are more likely to orgasm when you penetrate with a finger. Mm-hmm. And if we can give you some techniques
Starting point is 00:19:55 to make that more accessible, that's why we're here. And also, since the majority of vulva owners require more literal stimulation to have orgasm, we're also talking about using your own hands during any kind of sex, that it's okay to bring your hands into the back. Very important. And show like your partner what you like or just to continue to give yourself what you need. This has happened with partners before. I would touch myself and a partner would feel threatened because they would think, well, I'm not doing enough to you or they would sort of
Starting point is 00:20:23 just be offended by it or probably mostly intimidated But really it can really kind of help take it to another place It can help you have more orgasms your partner can learn by how you touch yourself So mutual masturbation is something we talk about a lot on the show when you are showing your partner what you need or what you like That's like a gift right especially for vulgar owners We require literal stimulation during penetration before and Emily was reminding me in prepping this episode. Vulva owners are more likely to orgasm during penetration
Starting point is 00:20:53 if they've already had an orgasm first through literal stimulation or through stimulating the G area through fingering, which is why, in heteronormative couples, it's so important to prioritize fingering or oral sex before penetration and not just like, oh, warm my partner up a couple digs around in there for three seconds and then skip right to penetration. It's not something that you just stop over. It's really something you take your time, you practice the craft, you bring your partner to orgasm, and then you can move on to other things. Or if you're in the same sex relationship, this is one of the main events, which is why it's so important.
Starting point is 00:21:32 It's that drive-by fingering that doesn't work or that one like wonder, like someone who goes down in you for like 30 seconds. That doesn't work. We're talking about the art of hand play. Let's put ourselves in the moment. Remember, slow, teasing, and arousal is the name of the game here. So starting around on the external, around the vaginal opening is great. Stroking the labia, the labia is packed in nerve endings. It actually, y'all haven't seen a picture of the clitoris.
Starting point is 00:22:00 The legs go through the labia, right? Yeah, the legs extend behind the labia. The clitoris is not just a little bulb that you see, but there's like 12,000 nerve endings in it. And so the labia, the perineum, the inner thighs, I mean, start with gentle touch. You don't wanna go right for the clitoris, but when you think about using your fingers,
Starting point is 00:22:21 you can stroke back and forth, you can stroke up and down, you can play with different movements, use your fingers in a circular motion, you can put your fingers together in sort of tug or squeeze on the clitoris, the labia. So you want to play with your fingers and see what actually feels good to a partner. You also want to play with different pressures, maybe they want a harder pressure, maybe they want a soft feathery touch. There's different ways to touch a vulva owner. And I don't think I've said this in a while, but I'm going to remind you that if you put
Starting point is 00:22:53 a hundred vulva owners in a room and they were all touching themselves, they would all want different kind of movements and touch. And they will be touching themselves in different ways, like a circular motion with the pads of your finger or back and forth or up and down in different ways, like a circular motion with the pads of your finger or back and forth or up and down, going fast, going slow, playing with different sensations. So you can see what actually feels good and don't forget the lube.
Starting point is 00:23:16 Now this is how we're going to also get warmed up and turn on. Pay attention to your partner. Is there breath quickening? Are they, you know, moaning? Is there face getting flush? Also the clitoris swells, the vulva swells, when we're more aroused. So you're going to be getting your signs right there. So pay attention. This is like when people always say they either in their heads too much during sex. A great way to get out of your head is to simply pay attention and to be present and attuned to
Starting point is 00:23:45 your partner's body and their reactions. Because they're going to be telling you exactly what you need to know about your touch. How is it going? And hopefully, if you're the recipient, you feel good about sharing with your partner. Oh, that felt great. You know, don't stop or I liked it a little bit softer. I liked it a little bit harder. Could you go back to the spot and there's no shame in showing them with your own hands or taking their hands and placing it over your fingers because we are the experts of our own pleasure
Starting point is 00:24:11 We know what feels good. And then it really does feel collaborative. If you are moving their hand like, let's face it. They don't always hit the right spot on the first try. That's no problem. Just show them exactly where you want to be touched. Maybe it's a little to the side of your clitoris. Just show them exactly where you want to be touched. Maybe it's a little to the side of your clitoris, the external part. Maybe it's a little lower,
Starting point is 00:24:29 like only you know. So don't be afraid to guide your partners. Don't be afraid to tell them. Oh, that feels good. Or like a little lighter. It's super hot. It doesn't like talking about it. Like yeah, like moving their underwear to the side too. So you still like the fabric on and you can play with either side. Because everyone's a little bit different. Like some people, they're left side of their clitoris or they're labia's more sensitive or they're right. And you know, this is all on us to figure it out first,
Starting point is 00:24:54 but if you have a willing partner and you guys can figure it out together and then you're gonna know and then you build on it every time you've sex, you're like, oh, I know, when I say sex, it's any kind of sexual activity. Exactly. You're going to know that this is what feels good. And this is the fun stuff. I mean, this is what makes sex really fun and collaborative. And if you're reading my book, SmartSex, you know how important collaboration is and communicating with your partner. Do you know what feels good to you? Do you know what turned you on? Do you know how to explain
Starting point is 00:25:22 that to a partner? Things are only going to get hotter and sexier after this quick break for our sponsors, because I'm sharing some of the hottest hotline calls from the year before answering your very top sex questions. Alright, stick around. This is from Jane 38 years old. Hi Emily, my name is Jane. I am a 38 year old woman and a heterosexual committed relationship. I have a question that's really bothering me and I would love to get your advice on. I recently have gotten several source roads and an actually now a throat infection from
Starting point is 00:26:14 having aggressive, rough or feck. At least that's what my intuition says and I believe that is happening and possible. My thoughts are, I don't think that my boyfriend realizes how aggressive he's being in the moment. And I have tried to communicate that to him. And he seems to think that that's not possible. And it's not because of him, but I think it is. So my question, I guess would be, have you
Starting point is 00:26:43 heard of this before, aggressive oral sex causing a bad sore throat and throat infection? And then is that something that I should be concerned about in terms of a long-term relationship that he's not really respecting my body or that he's not respecting that he could be inflicting pain on me when I have brought it up to him. He's not open to discussing it or maybe even saying, oh, okay, I won't be as aggressive next time. I'd love to hear from you. Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane. Okay, I am so glad you asked this question
Starting point is 00:27:28 because, oh, like, okay, let's just take this one thing at a time. First, I love that you talk about your intuition and I think that we don't listen to that enough. And what you said was you believe that it's the rough oral sex that is actually impacting your sore throats and that your thoughts or that you don't think your boyfriend realize that he's being aggressive.
Starting point is 00:27:48 I would go with that. Only because you further on explained to us that he's not open to discussing the fact that you're having any kind of pain. You're telling him that you have pain and he's not open to discussing it. Exactly. That for me is kind of the red flag because we hear a lot of cases of people having aggressive sex. Maybe that's influenced by porn.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Maybe that's something he's seen, like pushing someone's head down on someone's penis. And I could see that maybe being something he's unaware of as Jane suggested, but if she's brought it up and he doesn't seem open to discussing it, that is where the red flags go off for me. Yeah. You've brought it up and he doesn't seem open to discussing it. That is where the red flags go off for me. You've brought it up to him.
Starting point is 00:28:28 So I would have cared if you're like, oh, I stubbed my toe or I have this infection or I'm not feeling well, you're the committed relationship with somebody. And part of being in a relationship, hopefully one of your non-negotiables is a partner who's concerned with your physical and mental health.
Starting point is 00:28:42 He's like not concerned with it, doesn't think it's anything he's doing while it's your throat after oral sex hurts when his penis is in your mouth. Yeah. That's like, what other evidence does he need here? I'm assuming, Erica, that he's pushing her head down, that letting her come up for air,
Starting point is 00:29:00 and he's doing one of the chocking, gagging, like we've seen him porn. And so only you know, we're not there, Jane, but is that what's happening? Is that what's happening? Because you sounded a little bit like you're intuition, but also you're not sure, and he's not sure, but wouldn't we all parties know
Starting point is 00:29:16 that that's a little bit aggressive oral sex group? Yeah, like I have to assume that's somewhat painful if extremely uncomfortable. And I don't know, I know people are into aggressive sex, but it has to be something that you are both into for it to be mutually satisfactory, consensual. And if you don't want to shame him, you could just say, hey, I want to know more about why is this a fantasy for you? Maybe you could even simulate the aggression
Starting point is 00:29:46 without actually acting it out, about aggressively. Exactly, you could use your hand to do the tightness and put your mouth as a tip. You don't have to actually do the act. And also, not only might it not be consensual, but isn't even pleasurable to you. So I want to know where you find pleasure in this relationship,
Starting point is 00:30:05 because the other thing might be, when you have a conversation with him about you guys going to have to kind of rework your oral sex game here, because whatever it is, it's not providing you with pleasure. And then you have the opportunity now to tell him what you would like more of. So it's more pleasurable for both of you. Exactly. And any partners, how would they disagree with that? Like, let's talk about what feels great to both of us.
Starting point is 00:30:26 Right. And when you're giving oral sex, it can still be pleasurable. It's not just about the receiver. Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver, which is why I do spend so much time in smart sex by new book, have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex.
Starting point is 00:30:42 Because I think a lot of us are pleasers or be at a caught in the moment. We think it's about our partners pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cake you need to. Give our blow jobs and enjoy them too. Okay. Thanks, Jane. I appreciate you.
Starting point is 00:30:56 We got Ryan 62 and Massachusetts. Hey, Emily. My name is Ryan. I live in Massachusetts. Love you to show him 66 years old. And the marriage for 39 years. My wife and I have a great sex life. We don't get it on as much as we used to get it on. I guess that's understandable. Lately, I've been trying to get her to give me a rim job. I love Asplay. I love hers. I love the probe. She's good with it. She won't give it back to me and that concerns me
Starting point is 00:31:25 and I think that maybe part of it is she's a nurse and she sees the medical, she may see the health field, what have you, but that to me just stimulates and I think that can just ratchet up sex life to back to where it used to be. So any tips on overcoming that would be great. Thanks, I love you so much. Ryan, thank you for your question.
Starting point is 00:31:43 39 years, amazing. Congratulations for that. Ryan, thank you for your question. 39 years. Amazing. Congratulations for that. And still working on trying new things. I love it. First of all, we define a room job for everyone. A room job means that I think what you're desiring here is for her to lick around your anus. It opening sphincter muscles, that whole area.
Starting point is 00:32:01 Maybe a little finger eventually. That's what I'm hearing from you. So first, I want to normalize the fact that Adel's like has been around Maybe a little finger eventually. That's what I'm hearing from you. So first I wanna normalize the fact that anal sex has been around for a very long time. However, for straight men to want to have anal play, for many people is still very foreign concept. A lot of women were not giving this opportunity. It didn't really come up.
Starting point is 00:32:18 There's a lot of connotations around it that might not always be positive. So yes, I think maybe as a dude with her being a nurse, maybe as to be that she's been with you for 40 years and it's a new area. Remember, we all get uncomfortable when our partners make new suggestions for anything. Like, why don't we start to not watch TV
Starting point is 00:32:35 at 90 more and read books? So why don't we start to hike more? Why don't we start to do anal sex more? It's always like a, like anything new and you guys are in a pattern and there's gonna be some concern. So I understand that. And so I think having some more information on it,
Starting point is 00:32:49 talking about outside the bedroom, explaining to her why it would make you feel good, definitely doing it maybe in the shower would be a great place to start when you are to your clean. Especially if she's concerned about hygiene, which it sounds like she is. Asking for a friend like like, what are other tips?
Starting point is 00:33:06 Like, I don't think I feel particularly comfortable with it. Yeah, with rooming. Yeah. Yeah. I would say the tips would be to make sure that your partner's clean or that you're both clean. And it could help like when you're giving a blow job, just to kind of, because you can kind of like fit
Starting point is 00:33:20 your tongue around there, you can kind of like, start to lick around like their perineum. Maybe you can turn them over and like spread their cheeks apart. You can add a little bit of lube to make sure that it's already because lube feels good. Flavored lube. Flavored lube would be delicious.
Starting point is 00:33:34 We've got some Joe flavored lube on our website, which is selling quickly. Oh my God. Everyone's gonna want a ram when they taste the lube because it has like mint chocolate and caramel, it's delicious. Oh yeah, and caramel, it's delicious. Oh yeah, like raspberry. It's delicious.
Starting point is 00:33:47 So I think that maybe getting some lube and maybe you could find a scene in porn or something where she gets what it is because sometimes people need to see it to understand it. Like this might just be a totally foreign concept. Like she's thinking, what are you gonna get off the toilet and then we're gonna sit down and I'm gonna lick your ass.
Starting point is 00:34:03 Like you need to let her know that it's gonna be clean, that's gonna be consensual. She can even maybe start with a finger and then just play around, give her some more information and then give her some more tools. Right, I wonder how she engaged in any type of anal play with you. Like maybe Rim Jobs aren't the first one if she's never touched to you before. Yeah, that's a great point. Maybe she starts with the finger. Yeah. Maybe she starts taking a finger and tracing it
Starting point is 00:34:27 around your sphincter muscles, your anus, with a little bit of lube. She could just start there. See how it goes. Listen, she could also use a glove. She could even use a dental dam, which would also feel good if she felt that there were some germs.
Starting point is 00:34:41 She could tell them. She was a dental dam over you, which is just basically a condom cut open. It's just like a flat piece of latex. So those are some places to start. I love that. I mean, a dental dam, you got me with that one. That sounds great.
Starting point is 00:34:54 And also maybe just do her a favor and really make sure you clean up beforehand, give her that ease of mind. Like do your do-jill, Jens. Do it. Yeah. Let her know that you're doing it too. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Perfect. Thanks for your question. Now onto your top S-sex questions of 2023. And I'm just going to rapid fire answer them because I have a really hard time stating a question and I don't answer it. Here we go. How could I have satisfying sex on SSRIs?
Starting point is 00:35:22 Those are antidepressants. You can, for many people number one, over time you might have side effects in the beginning, but you won't have them a few months in, so take your time, talk to your doctor and let them know you're having these sexual side effects that is not something that you need to ignore and sometimes they can change up your dose, okay?
Starting point is 00:35:37 You can't satisfy sex and also share this with your partner if you're on medication. Number two, how do I squirt? Why do I squirt? Why do I at least grow with a certain activity person toy? Number one, check out our squirting episode. You guys love that episode. But squirting usually happens because you've internal stimulation
Starting point is 00:35:53 of your G spot, your G area, and it can be with a toy. Sometimes it's with a toy externally too, because you're applying so much pressure to those internal nerves. But usually it's direct pressure to that area. Why do you only screw up a certain activity pressure toy? I'd like you to think about that for a minute. What was happening for sitting in that? Was there a lot of time for a play? Warm up. Was this particular shape of the penis or the toy? Because you could probably
Starting point is 00:36:20 mugiver that yourself and figure out what actually worked here. What was happening to me? You could figure out the clues to that because I wasn't there. Number three, what is after care? Why so important to sex? Why am I feeling the need for it all of a sudden? After care, after care is the part of sex when sex is over. However, you define sex, maybe you've had penetrative sex, you both had orgasms, you're lying in bed, and you, or wherever you are, but you want a moment to connect with your partner again because you just went through this really intense, hopefully satisfying
Starting point is 00:36:50 experience and everything's opened up. Your senses, your emotions, your feelings, and so you're feeling like very vulnerable in these moments. And so after care might just be the moment of connecting with your partner, cuddling for a few minutes, you know, stroking their hair. They stroke yours and just feeling safe and connected. Rather than just having sex and boom, you're out of bed, you're a new one, you're leaving someone's house. We want a little bit of aftercare. Why is my partner so adverse to oral sex?
Starting point is 00:37:17 How can I communicate with them about it? There's a lot of reasons why people are adverse to oral sex. It was a bad first time experience. Maybe there's some religious, psychological moral issues around it. Maybe they don't feel like they're great at it, but you got to communicate with them, timing tone and turf, and say to them,
Starting point is 00:37:35 oral sex is a really important part of my sexual arousal, my sexual pleasure. And I've noticed that you're just really not that into it. Can you tell me more about that? When you know how to oral sex? And if you do it with a light tone, curious and listen. Then we've got, my partner isn't into my king or fetish. What do I do?
Starting point is 00:37:54 Well, first, find out more about it. What is it about this king or fetish that doesn't really turn you on? I'm actually really curious. I'd love to know because I'd love to understand what your turn on's are so we can work together to co-create a really satisfying and healthy, beautiful relationship. Thanks for a great year, everyone, and I can't wait to talk to you in 2024. That's it for today's episode.
Starting point is 00:38:23 See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more
Starting point is 00:38:45 ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to slash askemily thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at

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