Sex With Emily - You’re Kinkier Than You Think, Part 2

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

What does it mean exactly, when someone says they’re a voyeur? A sub? A cuckhold or an exhibitionist? It’s part 2 of our “You’re Kinkier Than You Think” series…and folks, we are getting a kinky education. On today’s episode, I’m walking you through your sexual fantasies to see where you land on the kink spectrum. I’m talking submission and domination, exhibitionism and voyeurism, even a little humiliation, if that’s your preferred kink flavor. But because kink is play, I’m also giving you some specific ideas for how to explore these fantasies IRL – and, bonus, I’m taking all of your kinky questions. Show Notes:Ask Emily: Kink and BDSM Ideas6 Kink Styles (& How to Explore Them) You’re Kinkier Than You Think, Part 1Coming Together w/ Celeste & DanielleEmily’s Shop Page How to Dom with Your Text Messages Kink & Casual Sex Justin LehmillerThe Communication Guide  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Both partners agree to consensual, non-consent. So they're agreeing on a established set of rules. And this can get really tricky, but you want to do it with a partner where you trust each other. You need the most excellent communication. I want it to be at all time high, which is also why side note, this kind of play, any kind of the play I'm talking about, really enhances relationships for many because it helps you improve your communication.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what does it mean exactly when someone says they're a voyeur, a sub, a cuckold, or an exhibitionist? Well, it's part two of our, you're kinkier than you think series. And folks, we're gonna kinky education.

So in today's episode, I'm walking you through your sexual fantasies to see where you land on the kink spectrum. I'm talking submission and domination, exhibitionism and voyeurism, and even a little humiliation effect your preferred kink flavor. But because kink is play and it really is play,

I'm also giving you some specific ideas for how to explore these fantasies IRL. And bonus, I'm taking all your kinky questions. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. What do you wanna get at this episode? Well, my intention is to demystify this world for you so you feel liberated to play and listen. Nothing's wrong with conventional sex. I love it. I'm here for it.

But if you're ready to explore and target some sexual scenarios you never have before, this is the episode for you. Please rate and view sex with Emily wherever you listen. Please do it. It really helps us. It makes a difference right now. Whatever app you're listening on, In my short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short short Leave me your questions or message me at sexathomely.com slash ask Emily or call my hatline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739 always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and Totally cool if you want to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right everyone enjoy this episode. Alright everyone, it's part two of our BDSM and Kink series, so welcome back. And remember, no matter where you fall on the Kink spectrum, I'm doing this series to help all of us understand a really misunderstood area of sex. So why do I think it's so misunderstood?

Because sometimes kink gets stereotyped in darker, much edgy ways. Kink is play. Kink is fun. Can be fun. And kink is where we allow our imagination to merge with sex, where we discover the sexual behaviors that are truly erotic and exciting for us. Kink is where we allow our imagination to merge with sex, where we discover the sexual behaviors that are truly erotic and exciting for us, and where we get a little more exploratory

with the psychology of sex, and sure it can be edgy and it can involve pain play and involve leather and whips and all that stuff, but it can also be very simple. So I've designed this episode to give you lots of ideas for play. So in part one, you wanna check out that episode, which is also gonna be linked in the show notes.

We talked about core desires, our core sexual desires, and how they inform our sex lives, and entry-level ways to try them out. In today's episode, we're gonna go deeper, and we're looking at the various flavors of kink and BDSM out there, and how to figure out what you might like to try. So I'm talking subdom dynamics, and so much more. So let's have some fun and get into it.

Alright, first, what's the difference between kink and BDSM? First, quick review. The word kink is used to describe any sexual act that's considered unconventional. But what is conventional? Think about it. What's conventional sex? Is it missionary sex? Is it just making out? Both of you fall into the bed, having orgasm sex is over. Like a lot of us just when you think about conventional, it's pretty basic. And that's what most people think, but really you get to decide. Because not many things fall under this conventional definition.

So if you look at kink as not some big scary thing, but really something that's just outside what we think is conventional. And if you look at kink as a way to experiment sexually and simply to add excitement and variety and more thrill to your success life, I like to start to look at kink a little bit differently. So let's start with the formal definition of BDSM.

It stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and mascasm. Now, if you think about these terms, what you see is that BDSM is about polarity, tension, power dynamics. And I'm going to get into dominance and submission shortly, and bondage and discipline sort of falls under that as well, this power play. And then there's satism and masochism. And basically sexual masochism is defined as taking a rotic pleasure in receiving pain. So when you receive pain, that gives you pleasure. And satism is somebody who takes a rotic pleasure in inflicting pain at others.

So, why should you explore Kink and how do you find out what you're into? Well, a word of the psychology of Kink and your personal preferences, and going back to Core Desires, which I did touch on in part one, I talked to you all about sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Herrel, who teach courses based on this theory called your core desire. And so essentially your core desires involve both arousal and in obstacle. And a lot of this was patterned during your childhood or early adulthood. But it's not just lesson Danielle who've discussed these theories, they've been around for years and years. But when you think about it,

the reason we're talking about the psychology of it in my it's important, is because the core of our desire is a feeling that you closely associate with sex and with pleasure. And that feeling is so tied to how you get a rouse and turn on. It's such a part of who you are that it might have be hard to think about not having these desires or that other people have different desires. It's like your own love language, but for sex. It's like how you get turned on. So when you're really attuned with this and what your desires are,

it can make your sexual experiences even more pleasurable. So that's what I'm talking about getting attuned to it, learning to accept it. A lot of us kind of know these desires are there, but we feel bad about it, we feel guilty, we feel shameful. And this show, and what I'm all about is helping you guys get to the root of it and feeling good about it,

and accepting that it's just part of your desire. So these desires are going to get at the core of what you really want during sex. Is it being loved? Do you want to be worshipped? cared for? Do you want to be dominated as we're talking on this episode? Do I want to feel connected? Out of control. Do you want to be taken? Do you want to feel irresistible? If you don't know what it is Do you want to be taken? Do you want to feel irresistible? If you don't know what it is, and I asked you, think about your hottest sexual memory. What happened? So from there, you could think, oh, God, it was a surprise,

or I felt really worshiped, or I was vulnerable, I was dominated, I was dominating, right? So there's some kernel in that that might help lead you down this path of figuring out what that is. So for example, let's say you've a cortisire or on being the center for tension during sex. You want to be worshiped, you want to be adored. You know, your presence alone makes your partners feel unbelievably aroused. They can't get enough of you.

While this cortisire could be a response to having a childhood or an upbringing where you didn't feel like you got enough attention. So you may have creved the presence of your parents and your caregivers, but experience an obstacle in their lack of attention. And then during sex, you just want this feeling of being worshipped and taken. So that's just one example. And taking the time to really discover these desires and what you yearn for sexually can be super rewarding.

And what I love about getting there and figuring out your desires is that Kink and BDSM are a great way to get acquainted with this deeper side of ourselves. It also BDSM and Kink can help your relationships because it truly helps build intimacy and trust. It really helps you with communication. And it's just a deep way to explore each other in this erotic power exchange. And it's just a deep way to explore each other in this erotic power exchange and it's also really hot. Alright, so how do you get started? Well, kink, there's an endless world of possibilities. But for this show, let's look at a few common kink fantasies, see if they sound interesting to you, and it will give you some clues about how you can go about trying them out.

And just remember, do not judge yourself, don't judge others, I want you to just enjoy this exploration and make it less fearful for you. And have fun. Remember, this is all about play. So as with everything I talk about, if you're partnered and you're new to a K-NK or BDSM, it starts with a conversation. So again, listen to part one of the series for icebreakers and talking points to bring this up with your partner. How you can start playing more with your partner in this world. Okay, let's start with a few examples. Let's start with power exchange. And within power exchange, we're going to talk about two different types.

That's submissive and dominant and CNC, consensual, non-consensual. So first, submission. So submission probably makes you think about someone being tied up. And if your fantasies had to feature you in a quote unquote powerless position, you're tied down, you're being told what to do, you're being asked to give up power. Well, those are all signs of a submissive or a subtype. And if this is you, here's some ideas to explore submission. You might want to have your part or take away one of your senses or abilities. so taking away your sight with a blindfold. You could also relinquish your physical control with bed restraints or a leg spreader, or

having your hands tied in some way. A great place to start with some fun accessories like handcuffs. I'm giving you ideas here for behaviors, but really what makes a subdomed dynamic hot is the overall vibe. It's about the consent is the overall vibe. It's about the consent and the chemistry building. This can help you experience that delicious feeling if this is your turn on of being under someone else's control or controlling someone else.

So you could also create a situation where your partner makes the rules and you have to follow them. For example, like you can't come until they say you can come and a lot of people, you know, use these dynamics in other areas of their relationship. It's not just sex.

So let's shift gears to dominance. If your fantasies tend to feature you in a quote, unquote, powerful position, you're barking orders, you're teaching someone, you're tying someone down. Well, these are signs of a dominant or a dom type. So here's some ideas to explore dominance if you're partnered.

You can dominate through text. You can build tension leading up to the sexual encounter and we've got a great article on our site, dominating through text, which you can check out, we'll put in the show notes. So this is where you would tell your partner exactly what you're gonna do to them. Like, when I get home tonight,

I want you to be wearing a certain thing and I'm going to tie you up and I'm going to blindfold you and I'm going to spank you. So if you want to practice this in the moment when you get together then if you're the dominant, you can restrain your partner using examples like disgusting submission like bed restraints, hand ties, a legs better. So essentially this dumb sub relationship is a lot of the things that maybe you think about when you think of Kank or BDSM, spanking, being tied up, but it also could be words, telling your partner that you want them to do something or say something or be something.

So it doesn't have to even involve pain or handcuffs or blindfold or any props at all. It could also be words. And there are couples who also practices a lifestyle. Like, they are dumb sub in everywhere in the home. You know, they just the way they talk, the way they text, all the time they live 24, 7, dumb sub. But for these purposes, we're just talking about

bringing some fun, some plays, some power dynamics into your current sexual relationship. And then we'll talk about CNC. There's a lot of interest in CNC play, consensual non-conset. I also have another article on my site that talks about this flavor of kink, but just so we're clear, this is a fantasy about forced sex. You have consent. You've consented with the parter, but they're gonna force sex upon you. Either you're not going to know when they're coming over. You've agreed ahead of time and consented to them, forcing their way

to have sex with you. It's a little bit rougher, but here's and consented to them, forcing their way to having sex with you. It's a little bit rougher, but here's what you need to know is that there is consent given before any action starts. But there's also an acknowledgement that your partner might say no during the actual act because it's forced, right? So that's why you need to have a safe word that's not no. You just need to have a safe word. So this is why both partners agree to consensual, non-consent.

So they're agreeing on a established set of rules. And this can get really tricky, but you want to do with a partner where you trust each other. And listen, you need the most excellent communication. I want it to be at all time high, which is also why side note, this kind of play, any kind of the play I'm talking about on these episodes, really enhances relationships for many because it helps you improve your communication. So like I said, you want to say for it. And just so you know, a safe word is a tool in BDSM that can help protect either one of you from going too far. And it's agreed upon ahead of time. And means a full stop of all sexual

activity. And if you don't know where to start, a lot of you will just use a traffic light. Red means stop, yellow means like pussy with caution and green means go. So you just want to start tonight, use a traffic light. Now we cover these ideas. There's a theme here. There's a lot of communication. And you might be hearing this for the first time and maybe these sounds really extreme or difficult to understand, but on this show, I just want to encourage you to, you know,

open your mind. Maybe you want to dip your toe into this world of play. And if you want to learn more, like I said, I have great articles that we're definitely going to put in the show notes. So let's talk about some other flavors of kink. And then I'm going to get into your questions that are less about the subdomed dynamic, but they're more about a feeling of transgression. So the first one will be voyeurism, kind of what's voyeurism.

Well, if you're fanciful watching other people have sex, maybe you have a voyeur streak. Because being a voyeur is one of those common fancies out there for good reason, because there's that thrill of getting caught. You know, for a lot of us, it's enjoyable to watch our partners in their elements when they don't realize we're there. Like it can just be hot to watch your partner at work, right? You know, I'm looking them across the room. So it's sort of as the basis of that,

but this is more in the sexual realm. And some ideas to explore voyeurism with consent, of course, is watching your partner and dress or shower or bathe, watch your partner masturbate. You can either sit in the room or watch them secretly liking quotes where again, they would know you're doing this.

You know, watching through a crack in the door, you can have sex in front of a mirror. So that's voyeurism. So the flip side of voyeurism is exhibitionism. If your fanaties involve being watched, you know, there's a thrill of getting caught, you know, doing the act, you're having sex outside in a car,

you might be an exhibitionist. So some ideas to explore are sex outside. Could be somewhere private, like your backyard, somewhere more bold, like sex on a hike while you're camping. A lot of this is legal, I'm just saying, but people are gonna do what they're gonna do. So you wanna be careful. I wanna mention though that this can be fun and hot,

but it does involve people looking at you. There's onlookers, you know, be courteous, choose your spots wisely. Having sex in the car can be a little cramp but sexy. You could try the lotus position with both people in the passenger seat, receiving partner sitting in the lap, the giving partner. So there's some ideas for your exhibitionist's streak. One more point of the kick spectrum, and that is humiliation. Now listen, I get it. If you don't share this kinky, maybe listening and think like, what? Why would I ever want to be humiliated during sex? But going back to part one of our series, we talk about core desires that we don't choose them and their shape, I experiences in our

formative years that combine arousal and obstacle. And so we get an opportunity to use some of those emotional ingredients like being humiliated to create a more positive and potentially erotic result. So I've done episodes before I'm cuckled in, but let's do a review. So what is cuckled in? So cuckling typically involves one partner consensually stepping outside of a partnership to go up sex with someone else. And for the cuck, the one who's not stepping outside, there's an emotional thrill of being quasi cheated on.

And Cuckling, listen, it can take all sorts of formats. A common one is hearing about the outside sex when the partner after it's happened. Another one is watching the outside sex between their partner and the bull that's the nickname and Cuckling for the outside partner. But do know that Cucking does not always involve humiliation I received a call not too long ago from a guy who explained that he loved being the cock

But not a sense of humiliation Rather what he experienced was Compersion and that's the opposite of jealousy in that you actually feel Happy and you feel pleasure in knowing that your partner experience pleasure actually feel happy and you feel pleasure in knowing that your partner experience pleasure. Now, a couple of things is just one way to scratch that humiliation itch and it's definitely a more extreme way. But if your sexual fantasies involved being teased, being mocked, later examples of humiliation, you could also play with your partner by bringing that into the bedroom.

That could be mocking your partner for wanting to come so badly, teasing them for being turned on. You know, it's a form of dirty talk, but a very specific form of dirty talk and that we're deploying some degradation to create a light humiliation vibe. So those are all the sexy vibes. And now, you know, the difference between kink and bdsm, perhaps you even added more words to your sexual vocabulary. And you know different types of kinky play. So I hope you've enjoyed this deeper dive into kinkin BDSM as much as I have because I get so many

questions from you about this area and I just thought let's do a deep dive and you can let me know if you have more questions. So just head to my site sexathomely.com, click ask Emily in upper right hand corner, ask me your questions, can't wait to hear from you. And let's see a quick break and then we get into all your questions. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ This is from Karina. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your podcast.

I need some advice of my own finally. So, my husband and I have been married for 15 years. Our sex life is amazing, and somehow in the past year, it's gotten even better. Works for our new things. We've opened up to an even deeper line of communication. I've known I'm bisexual for a long time, and he knew as well. And he's come to terms and realize that he too is attracted to men and women long story short with long conversations about what it means to each other and if it's something we like to need to potentially explore and agree to okay with

talking about it and get into the point where we can figure it out together. Now for my current issue in question, my best friend who's a woman has been spending a lot of time hanging out both of us for months now. We all three have become really close and consider it all three best friends. We joke about it being more, and people question us all the time out being in a pali relationship. We're very comfortable joking and don't mind people wondering about it at all. My husband started to feel uncomfortable with his feelings getting stronger for her, and doesn't want to upset me or make her uncomfortable and run off. He has urged a kisser when we've been drinking together, and we both legitimately love love her and are totally found being just friends if she doesn't feel the same way.

But we're worried if we ask her about it, she might not be comfortable staying friends if she doesn't feel the same. We don't want to cause distance, we care about her so much. How would you handle this? Thanks in advance. Alright, creative. Thank you so much for your question and I love that you and your husband are 15 years are opening up and you're exploring and you sounds like you've done all the steps of talking about it and thinking about it and thinking about your feelings and just being really open and honest. So to get to your question about the friend,

now I understand that you are worried about saying something to her because what if she runs away in the friendship ends, but I have found that when there are feelings this strong about a friend and whether it's in your situation or just someone is a crush on a friend but they don't want to tell them, I think we have to tell them

because they, first of all, they know, okay? They already have a sense. It's not such a surprise they already know, typically. And also, to be true to your friendship, and I think friendships are about honesty and vulnerability, you owe it to them to be honest about the feelings that you have. And so, I feel like you have no choice, but to let her know. I would also say that she probably knows. In this case, for sure, you guys are drinking together, there's three of you. And I do believe if

you have a true friendship, like a really deep, beautiful friendship, which it sounds like you do, it can endure all kinds of conversations. And have it work out. I would recommend having a conversation with her when you're not drinking, because you said that your husband always wants to

kiss her when you're drinking, and I also want to say that, how does he feel when you're not drinking? Because sometimes we only want to do things when we're drinking. You all have those people that we just want to hook up with more when we're drunk, which sometimes you don't always make the best choices.

So I would have a conversation with her before you're drinking when you're just hanging out and say, we really want to have a talk with you. Maybe you could take her to dinner, have her over and just let her know that you were a bit exploring this in your relationship. You're both really attracted to her and you want wanna know if it's something that she would be interested in and that there's no pressure and that you wanna really respect your relationship and your friendship and see how she feels about it. And then you guys could see where it goes from there.

Now if she's more of your best friend, maybe you wanna do it just the two of you, you know your dynamic better than I do. But I think that it's really important to just be curious and open about it and just say, hey, you know, we've been thinking about this and I know that you know that I'm bisexual and I feel attracted to you

and I just want to see what you think about it. And I think if she's your best friend, she would know that you would still really respect her friendship, but of course, you can let her know that and say, I really care about you and our friendship and it's the most important thing to me. But this is something that you don't want to. I understand that and I still love you and cherish our friendship. So I think you have to do it with a lot of boundaries. I don't think you just jump into it that night.

Make sure that you have boundaries. You talk about it and you always always always put your friendship above everything else. Okay? I want to hear how this goes, Karina, keep me posted. And you guys, don't we remind you to put your age on the emails and where you live, super helpful, okay? This is from Brian. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'd like to watch my girlfriend be with a woman. She says she's curious and will be down.

However, says I can't join. Question is, can I convince her to let me join? And if so, how can we all practice safe sex? Yes, tips on pleasing during a female female male threesome? I probably won't last long, LOL. Thanks in advance. I remember you can convince someone to do anything sexually. You're not gonna get your girlfriend ever threesome.

You're not gonna get your girlfriend to let you do something that she doesn't want to do. You're just not. What you can do is communicate with her. And get on the same page, you know, what is it about being with a woman that turns her on? Ask her why she doesn't want you to participate and listen to the answer and ask the question

in a very open, curious, non-judgmental way. Find out more about her fantasies. What is interesting to her? What are your fantasies? What actually happens during a threesome? So this is how you could get you both to have a threesome together? Is when couples take the time to break down what it looks like? Like, why do you want the fantasy? Do you want to watch her with someone else? Are you picturing you having sex with both of them

that night? Are you just watching? Are they getting off? Are there orgasms happening? Is there penetration happening? There's just a lot of things that couples have to discuss before they just jump into it. I would continue to have the conversations, find out more about her arousal and desires, find out what both of your fantasies are when it comes to being with another person, and you just want to communicate it and you want to listen to each other.

And how you practice safe sex 33, you have to use protection, change condoms between partners, communicate boundaries, and consent with your partner, and the third person prior to the encounter. And after, after care is really important as well. Alright, thanks for your question, Brian. Be safe and have fun. This is from Linda 46 in Michigan.

Hey Dr. Emily, I recently started sleeping with a new partner and we've been having very exciting kinky sex. I find that I have very little inhibitions when it comes to wanting to be adventures with him and try new things. However, he really wants me to urinate at him. And I just can't get myself to do that. And I frankly do not understand the fascination with it. Why do some people find this so arousing? How can I satisfy a desire without doing something I find gross? All right, wonderful question. We hear a lot about golden showers and this fantasy. And there's a lot of different theories about where this fantasy can stem from.

My friend Justin Lamellar, who's also a sex educator, writes about this a lot. And here's a few things. Attraction to urine could come from a broader interest in BDSM. You might find it arousing to urinant partner is active dominating them. You know, or maybe some other people feel it's hot to be urinated on, right? They're more submissive. And some people just think it's something new. It's novel.

It's just, wow, that's extreme. Let's try that. Some people might try it because our discussed response Lessons during sexual rousal. So things that you might think is gross day to day life doesn't seem as unappealing when we're super turned on. So when we're turned on, anything can happen sometimes because you're in a different state, you're in a different mental state when you are aroused, you're in a physical state when you're aroused. Some people might have associated urine with arousal.

So something about the site or the smell or the taste of it, we're talking about things that have happened during our formative years. There might have been some link up where you were in a bathroom masturbating, you smelled urine, and that kind of got linked up to your arousal. Some people just find the active wedding themselves arousing too. So there's a lot of different reasons why I live in theories why but for you If you want to satisfy desire a great way to practice this is if you really want to please them and it sounds like why not is tried in the shower because you're in the shower

Maybe you're gonna pee anyway. You can be on him and wash it off and see how that goes so that's how you get started and again remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And I love talking about it outside the bedroom. You can check out my three T's of communication on our website. Have a great guy that talks about how to have these conversations, but it's important to do it outside the bedroom and find out more about, like tell me more about this fantasy. Do you open to know why it turns you on? I'm so curious.

Hearing a partner's chair and like a heartfelt, deeper way about their turn-ons and arousals might appeal to you in a way that also becomes part of your turn-on or your desire to please him. So, let's see how it goes, Linda. Keep it posted and thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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