Sexe Oral - Se remettre d'une rupture avec Sandra Brutus

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

Les propos exprimés dans ce podcast relèvent d’expériences et d’opinions personnelles dans un but de divertissement et ne substituent pas les conseils d’un.e sexologue ou autre professionnel de la santé. Dans cet épisode de Sexe Oral, Sandra Brutus revient avec une discussion vraie et touchante sur les ruptures amoureuses. Ce moment où il faut déconstruire ce qu’on croyait acquis… et apprendre à se reconstruire, seule. On parle de : - La douleur de laisser partir quelqu’un qu’on aime encore - Ce que ça prend pour se choisir — même quand ça fait mal - Les illusions qu’on entretient dans une relation - Les étapes du deuil amoureux, sans filtre - Les types d'attachement  Pour suivre Sandra: https://www.facebook.com/sandrabrutus... https://www.instagram.com/sandrabrutu... https://www.sandrabrutus.com/  Le podcast est présenté par Éros et Compagnie Utiliser le code promo : SEXEORAL pour 15% de rabais sur https://www.erosetcompagnie.com/ Les jouets dont les filles parlent: https://www.erosetcompagnie.com/page/podcast  Le podcast est présenté par Oxio. Pour plus d'informations: https://oxio.ca/ Code promo pour essayer Oxio gratuitement pendant un mois: SEXEORAL  Pour collaborations: [e-mail] Pour toutes questions: [e-mail] Pour suivre les filles sur Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/sexeoralpodcast Pour contacter les filles directement, écrivez-nous sur Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexeoral.podcast/

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good masturbation, good discovery, good Tôte. A production of Studio SF. Today at the podcast, we have Sandra, who is a relationship coach. So whether you're a couple or you're separated, whatever, she can coach you. And she's also my personal coach, Alouis and I, that we hired. So she follows us and we can't help it. So today, she's coming to the podcast for the third time to talk to us about couples and also about breakups.

How to get rid of a breakup. She gives us... There's a little bit of Melly Mello in the podcast. We really talk about a lot of things, but it's always full-fitting what she said. It's always concrete. That's what I like. I like to call once it's clear. I would like to make a warning. I said a lot of crap.

It's as if I was uncontrollable today. I'm really sorry. It's so simple and it's just that. Understand the air. I understand it, I remember exactly. It's as if our balloon is out of air. It doesn't fit. It's been six months.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying in this episode. You're not annoying. But Sandra, I love you and thank you again for your skills and patience. Yes! Thank you! Have a good podcast, guys! Today's podcast is presented by Oxio, our favorite Canadian internet supplier. Oxio, with them, you get a fixed price and just from your

registration. It's an internet connection with stable speeds supported by some of the best network powered by optical fiber. It's really our babies, we love them. And Oxio is entirely transparent, Joanie? Yes, there is no hidden fee. So you know where all your dollars go. On the site, what the website, you can see the money for advertising, the money for employees, the money for... At the end, you know exactly why you pay for it. And there are no contracts with hidden items or anything. It's super transparent and that's what we like a lot.

So if you want to try Auction for free for a month, see if it's a good fit with you, you can go to oxio.ca with the code SEXORAL to try it and see if it's a good fit with you. But we love them and we know you're going to love them. Otakno. Bye! Thank you Ox the time. I think it's the first time we've had an invite three times.

I think so. You are our first one who comes three times. I'm very nervous. It's hot. And not just three times, me at home too. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous.

I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous. You're our first guest who comes three times. I'm very excited. It's awesome. And not just three times, me at home too.

I kept it, I loved it so much. And she's been following our couple. We've had two sessions so far and it's been a full help. Like, for real sometimes, we think it's going well. And finally, there were little things, sometimes, hidden, that people didn't say. I say everything, but... So I think everyone says everything, you know?

But no, that's it. So sometimes you think you're okay, but sometimes it's not always like that. So you help us a lot. You help us in two sessions, I tell you, it's going to be a lot of fun. Would you be comfortable sharing with us what you have? Well, first of all, we started, okay?

That's really hot, what I loved so much. But first of all, it's completely concrete, like you said earlier, you know, I'm being listened to by someone, just listened, and then like... I have to go to someone who says to me, okay, this, here, you have to this thing, here's what you can do. Concretely, who really gives me clues and kinds of homework. I love that, and you too, so it speaks to us a lot.

It's concrete, it's things to test. And at the beginning, you made us do a kind of... Not examined, a questionnaire? A questionnaire. A questionnaire. A test of conjugated satisfaction. So in the end, we do a questionnaire, it starts the same. We have to do it on our own,

we have to be fully honest, then we come back, then we have a satisfaction rate. And what you said was that what was still rare, is that our points that are not going, well, it's the same. So what I'm getting angry about go well, they're the same.

So what I'm upset about, he's the same thing as me. So it's easier in that case. And you know, we're a lot... When I was in Chicané, what I saw that really changed, when we were in the cinema, sometimes it would come out that we were going crazy, and at some point it was a big shikane. It can come out as a big shikane when at the base it was really something anodyne. It can come out as a big shikane, and I really don't like that, I hate shikane.

But I didn't know how to do it, and Louis didn't know how to dose it or adjust it either. And you gave us the trick to find a word, a code. And we chose pause. So the word pause, if I say pause, then Louis too. And then the two of us know it, because we have Sandra too, if Sandra is like our referee. So if we continue, I'll say, hey Sandra, do you remember what she said? So finally your word is Sandra. It's the second one. Sandra is the pose.

In this case, if it works for you, there are some that the code won't work. That's why you have to find the formula for each cut. And there are some that it's not the pose, there are some that it's the word. Because the word is in the same continuity, we are already talking. So there are some for who, so much the better, for you it works. There are some that we need to get out of the room. There are some that we can touch, for example, you know, just get closer, it will calm down. Everyone will find a little their way to unclench the escalators.

But already, as you say, to know that it doesn't give anything to go there, because that's where we hurt ourselves. Well, at least to have ways to stop climbing and to defecate, in fact we call that defecators, it protects the relationship. Well that's it, it's often that we feel, there's nothing good left to say. No, no, that's it, it won't be constructive. So the word pause, it makes you stop both, you don't have a choice, so you stop talking. So even if, plus aggost, because when he the guy, when he says, I'm like...

Because I wasn't finished. I wasn't finished. I wasn't finished. It's annoying. Can you tell me... No, we can't say anything. When he tells a story... It's with a flat story.

When he tells a flat story around a soup. No, it provokes me. It provokes me to stick to your story of singing. I feel like you're... It's coming to me. It's coming to me.

I feel like I'm going to be pissed off. Yesterday, he painted his song and he kept talking about it. I couldn't just say, I'm going to be pissed off. I'm going to be pissed story. I feel like you're... The vision is coming to me, it's coming to me. I feel like I'm going to be pissed. Yesterday, he made me paint his song and he wouldn't stop talking about it. I would just say, pause! When he came back. Well, he would have understood. He would have understood.

It's more of a conflict case. Yes, I understand. Yes, you shouldn't use it. It's true. It's true. In other cases. Yes. We, it was really when a conflict arises and for real, it was... All unbalanced. And then you see, yesterday, I used the word

pose, but he was already outside. So I was like, pose, but he left. I was like, oh well. Too late. Well, we didn't leave. Sandra, you said you didn't have to go outside. And you went to walk, my dear. I was like, that, when he does that.

Well, in fact, the idea is to make a comeback. So if you're too emotionally charged, He walked outside and then he went to walk by my side. I'm shocked when he does that. The idea is to make a comeback. If you're emotionally charged... I didn't say that! I'm quoting you off-context. It's disgusting when he comes out. It's disgusting. But at the same time, if the other feels he's going to get hurt,

it's better to take a walk. The important thing is the comeback. Because there's always someone who wants to fix things right away. There's the person who needs to take his distance. marche, ce que dire des choses blessantes. L'important, c'est le retour. Parce qu'il y a toujours une personne qui veut régler les choses tout de suite. Il y a la personne qui a besoin de prendre ses distances. Mais si on s'habitue, puis on sait que la personne va revenir, là, on a plus confiance que, OK, je sais qu'elle revient. La marche, elle va durer dix minutes.

Elle va pas durer deux jours. Oui, je sais. Mais moi, ces dix minutes-là, je suis en remise des questions. Je suis comme, genre, mon couple, ma famille, tout ça, genre, pendant dix minutes, pendant que lui, il s'en va marcher, prendre l a breath, and he's like, well, well, you know, I'm like... Well, that's a good example of something that we can work on in individual coaching, that is, the triggers. We can come and neutralize that emotion a little bit.

I would say, pause before. That's the thing. I didn't say pause before. Well, we're working, I would say we're not perfect, and the idea is to give ourselves time to put things in place. Already, if you realize it quickly enough before it degenerates. Yes, most of the time it has always been well. So there you go. So I'm really happy and we'll see each other again. So thank you.

But today we're going to talk about something sadder, breaks. So how do we put ourselves through breaks? How do we get back on the dating too afterwards? I can't even imagine. My heart is dead. We talk about that and I'm not well. Yes, it's true that the break-up hurts. It says how we perceive the break-up. I was going to talk about that earlier. It really makes a big difference. But already, I'm not well.

I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. I'm not well. Well, yes, it's true that it hurts the break. That said, how do we perceive the break?

I was going to talk about that earlier. It really makes a big difference. But first, I would like to, before starting, frame coaching, because I have a lot of questions about when I choose to go into coaching, when I choose to go see another professional. So already, the 21st law in Quebec delimits the professions in aid relations. So it allows you to know that in coaching, delimit the professions in relation to help. So it allows us to know that in coaching, for example, we will be able to develop, we will be able to work on

behaviors, strategies, changes of perception, beliefs, and then we will work with a goal. So the word coach comes from the word coach. So in the past, it was the driver who brought the passengers to the destination. So, that means that we always go to a future destination in coaching. We will not dwell on the past. And if we go there, it's to really briefly look for information, to see what it's still a problem today, to go to the future.

So, when there are questions, on the other hand, of distress, of diagnosis, of psychological suffering, of diagnosis, of psychological suffering, of abuse. There, we are more... or if we want a therapy that is more in-depth, we will really explore where my suffering comes from, what makes me build like that in my childhood. There, there is more chance that it is more suitable to go to another professional, like a psychologist or a sexologist, for example. Yes. So basically, that's it. And is there someone

who has blockages? Because it's certain that sometimes, you know, we all have our past, the way we were educated, the way that... And that's what makes us today like that. And that's what drives me, it's me, it's... I read a book, well, I read... I started reading, it's a long time for me.

But it's called... You have to detach yourself from your past, from the education you've had. And depending on the education you've had, for example, there are several kinds. There are absent parents, there is the child who became an adult too early. There are several things, there. You have the parents who hurt you. So, depending on the type of parent you have, it makes a person the kind of little thing that makes you who you are today. But how do you separate yourself from that to create your own person only? Would you advise to go see...

Well, at the same time, it should do it. We all had that. In fact, it depends. As I said, when there is distress, suffering, depression, we need to treat a diagnosis, it's not the order of the coaching. For example, you would say, well, I realize that I was conditioned by my parental model, or I see that often, but I see that quite often with my clients. My mom didn't say much, my father was more absent, and now I have the impression I see this quite often with my clients. Mom didn't say much, dad was absent.

And now I have the impression that I'm reproducing this. I have a kind of unconscious radar that leads me to this type of partner. After that, we will transform this love equation a little. Which means, for example, love equals availability or the sacrifice of oneself, whatever the person concluded. And this is something that we can transform quite quickly. In coaching, we will do one to ten sessions for an objective. But someone who, for example, would have, we will talk about it later,

but a more severe, disorganized attachment style that almost alterates its functioning, that really needs to go into depth, that would be another professional. And I can perhaps repeat or specify the PNL is, the neuro-linguistic programming, because it's a big term. A metaphor that I can give that explains what it is is a computer. So on the computer, we have the screen with files. It's a bit like the brain that is able to manage about 7 to 9 information at the same time.

So at the moment, you see me, you are aware of the temperature in the room, of your clothes on you, we quickly reach the 7 to 9 information. And all the rest is sent to the brain that we call unconscious or automatic, which is a bit like what we have in our computer files. Categories, different files, viruses, bugs. And the brain creates categories to function and to release energy, finally. And so, in PNES, what we can do is go to that level, modify

certain elements. For example, someone who has trouble forgetting their ex, well, it could be, after a while, if we're in the beginning of a breakup, it's a bit normal, but after a while, well, maybe his brain categorized it in the present file rather than in the beginning of a breakup, it's a bit normal. But after a while, maybe his brain categorized him in the present file rather than in the past. Then we'll see how the person symbolically represents the past. Then we'll put Lex in the past file, for example.

Hmm. So that's what you can do. It's like in your... Yeah. Okay. That's why I make a discovery call, because it allows me to see if I'm the right person to accompany or if it's preferable to refer to another professional.

Perfect. Well, that's good. That's very good. It's exciting. We have questions for you. Yes. Did you want us to do a little topo of what a break is? Yes. Do you want us to start right away with the questions? We explain the breaks. We explain the breaks. But first, a break is not trivial. It must not be minimized. And in our society, sometimes we tend to really minimize

the grief. For example, in many companies, the work stop when you have the grief of a close person, it's five days, including the weekend. So sometimes we tend to believe that we should get over it quickly. But it's a really intense chemical reaction that happens when there is a breakdown. And the breakdown will activate the same areas as a physical pain in the brain.

So we literally have pain. And then, when we're in love, we have the hormone of happiness, which is dopamine, which is secreted, the cytosine of endorphins. When we lose the one we love, we end up in a love harvest. And so in a harvest of hormones too. So that's what makes us feel empty, of obsession. we end up in a love So what that can do is generate a lot of stress, a lot of anger, and all of that makes sure that we're not doing well. And there's one explanation that's physical, and on top of that, there are psychological effects. Does a shikand do that too? Because I feel the same way when I shikand.

Oh, we could talk about it together. Well, in that case, it's maybe because there's an association that, as you said, it's that the internal discourse and the path, we'll say it's a path that you take, which is that as soon as a shikan, I'm going to break. And it's like if, we could specify, but I already feel the impacts of the break. So at that point, what we can do in PNS coaching is a dissociation in relation to emotions. We can create states that will make that now, instead of feeling me, precisely, to trigger, I can find a way to calm myself down or see things differently.

So we can do exercises that can look like visualization or dissociation, for example. Okay. And why are there people who break up? If it can be super intense, and there are others who like it as much, let's say. Well, it depends. One of the things is the perception of what a breakup is. Because a relationship with a relationship is an expiration date.

So whether it's the end of life, or another reason we didn't expect in life. If we see this end of relationship as the end of a chapter, being aware that our story continues, if we see it as an opportunity for growth, it's certainly going to be easier to get through, than if we see it as the end of my life, failure, or even if it affects a lot of personal esteem by saying it's my fault, I'll always repeat that thing,

or if it was the ideal person, I'll never find someone again. So there are a lot of beliefs behind it that will influence how we're going to negotiate the break. After that, there's precisely, is it a break that is under way? If it is under way, well, in addition, there is the feeling of helplessness, of loss of control. Sometimes we didn't even have his word to say. There are some that it's by surprise. You know, it's even worse, it's like everything is going well,

and then the next day you discover a bond that has been going on for years. There is also, does it involve children? So that's going to play out. And if it's a break that's been chosen, then there's already a reflection that's been made. That's been made, sorry. There's already a preparation. So yes, there's pain. We still find ourselves in the middle of hormones that I was talking about earlier.

But we won't have the perception of rejection, for example. And we still have the feeling of control because we made that decision, and we know why we made it. So at the beginning, we can experience a lot of guilt, especially if it affects the environment, there are children, etc. We will experience the weight of the decision, but eventually, we will experience more relief or a sense of consistency with our needs, for example.

And there is the type of break-up. So one of the reasons that often comes back is communication problems. But there's also, since the pandemic, there's been an increase in break-ups, infidelity, joint violence, mental health disorders. So we really see that there's something new after the pandemic. And recently, there's also financial stress. So after inflation, it's weighing on couples a lot more. And even in dating, we see it, people say,

I can't afford to have expensive appointments, I don't know how, be generous, but at the same time, I have to pay attention to my budget. So that's something that added, let's say, a weight on couples. It's true. Before, it was like, you know, like, dating, like, I invite someone to dinner, I have to pay, but now,, but sometimes, because he invites him,

you know, we don't pay him. There are three people who invite this month, that morning, it's for sure that it's expensive. It starts to cost a lot. Yes, but at the same time, there's the taste. At the same time, they say, maybe it won't be until after, like the other two, you know. It's true. It's expensive, They're going to be disappointed. That's why when we talk about dating,

we can go with dates that aren't very honorable at the beginning. Yes, I admit. Marches, ice cream, it doesn't have to be very expensive. It helps to get rid of that stress. It's true. So what do we do?

The first step is to know and to normalize Mm. Then, um... So what do we do, precisely? The first step is to know and normalize that it's going to be difficult. So the pain is normal. We need to go through it. And, um... It's also to know that it's going to last a certain time. So the research is not quite precise,

but it's between three and six months where we're going to live that. And sometimes it depends on different motives. How long it will take to recover after a break. Is three to six months a year, or a 12-year relationship? Once again, it depends. If, for example, I've been noticing for a long time that we have incompatibility, we are no longer in the same place anymore.

We've been given a chance, we've been consulted. And all of this, we realize that our paths of life are really changing. For example, there's one who's really into going on a trip, a lifestyle, for example, more nomadic. There's one who doesn't like it at all. And we're not able to reconcile that aspect. Or children, for example, it's rarely reconciled at that level because it's a non-negotiable.

Well, it's going to be easier to accept it. So it's not so much the duration as the perception that we have of it. But it's true that I have clients or clients who come to me who say, it's been 40 years, 30 years that I've been with the person. I don't know how one was. Beyond that, I don't know who I am outside of this couple, and this family. So at that moment, there's really an identity update

that I need to explore, to discover myself, to dissociate myself from the couple to re-appropriate my personal life. It's my father that I'm dying. Do you want to break up? Lose myself for 40 years. Well, OK. Personnel. C'est mon pire cauchemar. De te séparer? Me perdre pendant 40 ans. Ah! OK.

Dans le sens que d'être... d'être avec. D'être pogné à je sais plus chiqui parce que je viens de... Ah! T'es trop associée à mettons la mère est blonde pis que t'es plus genre toi là. J'ai des... j'ai l'impression d'avoir un PTSD à m'imaginer. Ouais 40 ans c'est long là. Fait que t'es mieux de crisser la personne là aux 5 ans. And I feel like I have PTSD. 40 years is a long time. So it's better to keep the person at 5 years.

Start over at 5 years, it's going to be worse, right? You don't know what I'm saying? Like me, she said she didn't have to go outside. Once again, I was cited out of context. What it shows is the importance for you, in any case. It talks about your fear of losing yourself. So the importance, for you in any case, it speaks of your fear of losing yourself, so the importance of preserving a certain independence, of preserving projects that are personal,

couple projects and personal projects. That's what I'm trying to talk about. That's what I already told you, it's important. You have to understand that, for example, it may not be important to him, but to you, it's important. You have to keep it. Yes, it's really something that every day we don't have the choice to face this thing. Yes, that's it.

But I'm not stuck on it. He knows, he knows very well that he needs a little moment. He's like, are you going to get away with it, little moment. Often in a couple, there is one who is more fusing, there's one that's more independent. The one that's more independent... Yes, that's it, we have two examples here. More fusing, more independent. The more independent, he needs to honor the relationship and give moments,

so that it will soothe the one that's more fusing, who knows it's coming, and it will allow him to have his own bubbles. And the one that's more fusing, well, one needs to re-appropriate spaces for himself, to develop a little more emotional autonomy, or to find other ways, with other people, to meet his needs. So to have friends, to go see his family, for example. There you go. Both have to do their little jobs, each on their own.

Exactly. One is a little job to take the time to make moments, and the other, his little little job to make friends. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Like... It's a joke. Oh, that's good. Okay, perfect. But I'm not a fusionist, for example. I'm just a fusionist in a chicanx. Like, chicanx-choc. But in life, hey, I'm going to eat. I already... Sometimes I forget that I have a chum and I have tits.

Sometimes I'm like, really, when I'm not there, I really switch off. And I talk to everyone and I really have friends. But it's really in the chicanx that I'm like... I would like to be a fusionist. At that moment, you're a trigger. Yeah, I think that, as you said, we just found the bubble. Maybe you had a break, like you're following the trigger. So, in my head, the trigger is equal.

A break. Consciousness. Yeah, that's it. It's a neural path, actually, that the brain will take. And the idea is to break that path to create a new thought and a new habit, which is, we calm down, we're not letting ourselves be, the signs are not there.

Hum. Is it necessarily less painful a person who is in control of the break versus someone who has been through it? Well, in fact, the one who is in control, often she does a reasoning job. So we have the prefrontal cortex, which is this one. If there is this job,

we will probably be less invaded, we will say, by emotions. And in addition, we do not have the feeling of being rejected. So it can be, again, it depends, it's case by case. But it's going to be a grief in every way. And there are people who feel so guilty of breaking their family that they have another problem. So the idea at the start is to accept that accept that it will be painful for a while, to take care of yourself and not to try to run away from these emotions,

to welcome them, but to avoid ruminating. We may need to force ourselves to walk, for example, and there are many benefits on the walk, both psychological and physical, to do small activities that do us good. Yes, we can eat chocolate and cream last for a week, but it's also worth it to sometimes force yourself to see your friends, for example, talk about it, and also remember what does us good, positive anchors, music for example. Usually when I put this music band, it does me good.

Go to what will anchor us in the body, whether it's the spa, massages. Then ideally limit and even cut the contact with the ex. But it depends on the circumstances. It's sure that if we have children, we are in transition of relationship mode. That is to say that we will need to cut the couple mode, but we need to keep the parental relationship,

while if we don't have a lot of responsibility or commitment, it will be easier to cut or limit the accounts. But that said, since we are in this gap, it creates a lot of obsession, anxiety, and there are between 25 and 50% different researches of people who will have sex with their ex after a breakup. How many? Between 25% and 50%. So if it happens, the idea is to say, well, it's normal, I may not have to do it as a habit,

but it's something that can be normal in the process. For example, to have inappropriate behaviors, to drop by her ex at 11 p.m. or to write to her. It's something that's quite normal because we're in a I killed his dog on purpose because I wanted to serve my ex. I just wanted to bring him a bag of spices because I knew he would find it difficult. I went to give him a bag of spices and his dog came out and got hit. It's very sad. It's very sad so don't do that, the gang. I had a friend, he knew that... It was like...

It was like, you can come anyway. I didn't get into an infraction. But I would never do that. I think I'm traumatized by it. But it's true that when you've spent so much time with someone, depending on the situation, you have the impression that you have a right. You go to your ex, well Chris, we've been together for five years, I have the right to go to their place and do what he does.

There's something... I don't think I've ever done that. Well, I don't think so. There's something to do, to unprogram. We need to dissociate from ourselves. And for a while, it can create that kind of element. It's not ideal to go on Facebook, to spy on social networks, Facebook, Instagram, what the other does, because it revives the pain. So that's where the environment can help.

Friends who say, well, it's enough, come on, we're going to go out, we're not going to the spa. Sometimes we also need to go get some support, so it depends on the intensity of what we live. And it also depends on whether we are isolated or not. In general, there is more isolation in men than in women. Women have a network of support. So what we observe is that they will have people to talk to. So in the short term, they will often have more intense emotions because they will confront them.

But in the long term, there will often have more intense emotions because they will confront them. But in the long term, they will have a relief because they will have to confront these emotions. What the statistics show, and it still depends on the generations, because I have clients. Between 25 and 30 years old, I am fascinated by emotional growth. So there is really something that develops in relational and emotional abilities, I find, through generations. And I don't mean that a person older wouldn't have it, it's really just case by case. But the statistics show the tendency that men will have more tendency to flee their emotions because they have been less used, we'll say, in the conditions to express certain emotions like such as crying, vulnerability.

So, being less outspoken, it's not like there are more evidences of flight, and that in the short term, they will distract themselves, but in the long term, we can have a debt that is less resolved. Well, that's for sure. And is it... So, you're suggesting that if I'm the person, like in my case, I had left the person, and in my case, I had left the person, then I would say that I felt bad, so I wanted to stay close to that person a little

so that the mourning would be done more easily, but in reality it's... In fact, in this case, it's interesting what you say. You wanted to help him forget about you, to import his grocery? Well, I wanted... I was like, hey, I'm going to be in your life anyway, I'm going to be there for you. You're really the worst. Why? It's that I'm really patient. You let me be there, you don't bring me my grocery.

What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fall in love with you? I don't know. I really liked that person. As a human being, I liked her a lot. It's a pity for me. Even if I let her be there. But it's sure that... Because I killed her dog, that's the problem. But otherwise... If the dog wasn't dead, it would have been a good action.

I confirm that my ex-boyfriend was wearing a mask. What do you want from me? No, he was very happy. He was really happy. The idea is to check, rather than projecting, even if it's a good intention, rather than projecting... It's a good intention.

I'm not going to lie. I's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Well, the idea is to check, rather than to project, even if it's a good intention, rather than to project... Oh, I said it was a good intention. What I think is good for the other is to validate with the other what he needs. Maybe the person needs to cut... Even if there are people who will say, we want to be friends, I would like to be friends. Well, it depends on the other. Maybe the other doesn't need that,

or needs a distance before coming back. We put a pause on the podcast because Oxxio asks us a question about our internet, our way of using the internet. I'm really curious to see the difference between you and me about that. So I just want to know, Joanie, what are your latest Google searches? Oh my God, I'm going there now.

Oh! Sucker! Child! Impossible! Me too! I swear! Impossible! Well, I'm not stupid, but yes, I'm going to register my boy as a sucker! I swear! Impossible. I'm not blind, but yeah, I'm going to sign my boy on my heart. I swear! That's crazy!

Hey! We have the same one. I think it's different. It's super different. Okay, let's go first. I'm Hayden Christensen, the actor who plays Anakin in Star Wars. Oh, I really liked him, but when he got mean, I stopped listening. I understand, but he's really hot.

Oh, the infraction rate, because I get little tickets sometimes. But nothing serious. But thanks to Auctione, you have the internet to pay your infraction rate. Yes, that's life, because before you had to go to my little garden, because it's complicated. So I love paying my little ticket online. I would like to have no tickets, but look, it's better anyway. You can visit Oxxio.ca, our favorite Canadian internet supplier in the world. And you can use the promo code SEXORAL to get your first month for free

for fixed prices, a stable connection and a long and durable relationship. We love you. Beautiful scissors with Oxxio. A stable connection and a lasting relationship. We love you. Beautiful scissors with coxswain. Oh, make scissors with coxswain! Wow! We have a new brand. No, but for real, I'm exaggerating. I'm more of a team.

We just let each other have the time. We can be friends, but in two years, maybe three? Yeah, it's from here, it looks like it's been a while. It's difficult, it seems like. But right after, it's like, hey, let's, you know, it's just about maintaining something, because you can't make a cut, it's a relational change. You have to make a cut so that it's A to B.

Yeah, that's it. It seems like in my head, I was like, ah, it's going to be easier if from time to time, you know, we stay friends and that's the... Well, no, because it's about maintaining the relationship you have at present. Yeah, that's it. I have the impression, in any case.

Well, finally, after we didn't see each other, so everything is beautiful. Well, after that, it also depends, because we have to say that it's preferable to cut. If the person has a total misunderstanding about what happened and to make his way of life, to make a closure, she needs more explanation. It may be worth meeting and saying, I need to understand. After that, we may not have the answer we need, so it may be that we need to do this journey alone.

But it's sure that the more we will be able to identify where is my contribution in what happened. So, did there were signs, red flags, how was the management of conflicts, did I completely forget and sacrifice or, on the contrary, did I not value the relationship at all? This is where we can actually make a kind of assessment and if we realize that we have a responsibility, not a guilt, but a responsibility, well, we understand une responsabilité, ben là on comprend un peu mieux, pour moi on a cette partie-là sur laquelle on a du pouvoir. Pis c'est sûr qu'au début on va se fixer des petits objectifs, se forcer à manger, marcher un petit peu, faire un peu de méditation,

écrire dans un journal, et parfois même si on peut pas parler à Alex, ben on peut écrire une lettre, la brûler ou faire une espèce de rituel qui fait qu'au moins j'ai exprimé, j'ai sorti de moi ce que j'avais besoin. If we can't talk to Alex, we can write a letter, burn it or do a kind of ritual that makes me express, I got out of myself what I needed. And when the big, let's say, the mess is over, we can do more what we call a love report, which is to look at the old relationships and see if there are patterns, how I approach these relationships, are there signs of warning that I hadn't seen?

And also, where am I today? Because what are my projects? I had projects at the beginning when I chose this person, it may have changed. There is a kind of update. Then it allows what is called the feeling of continuity of self. And that's in psychology a concept that shows that people who have this feeling will succeed better and will flourish better in their lives.

What is that? The feeling of continuity in itself is, a bit like I explained at the beginning, the impression that a shit, sorry, a chapter ends. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, but my story continues, rather than the impression that... That you've lost time. ...that I've lost time and the impression that the events I'm living, I'm going through, are not linked to each other. Whereas if I'm aware that, well, I'm looking at my past, in the present, what's going on, where I'm going in the future,

there, we have more of the impression that we are continuing and going through certain steps. So that's why it's important, but it's also important to choose better when we decide to come back to the dating market, for example, to choose a partner better. Because if it repeats itself, I also have a responsibility, both in failure and in the relationship, I have a responsibility, but I also have a responsibility in what makes it work well.

So the more I get to know myself, I will be able to identify my strengths, my challenges, what I need to work on. Because we were saying that lack of communication, for example, is one of the well-known sources of break-ups. Well, how do I present myself in communication? Do I avoid it? Am I confronting? Do I need to learn to make clear demands? This is already a communication ability that we can develop to promote the development of a future relationship, for example. Do you see more breaks in people who look alike or people who are very different?

Good question. Because often, we say, ah, they look alike, they look alike, but after that, the contrasts are there, so we don't know anymore. That's a good question. In fact, what scientific literature tends to say is that whoever looks alike has more chances of succeeding in the long run because there are fewer issues of difference to negotiate. That said, there are very different groups that can also succeed. So it will depend a lot on our capacity to communicate, to resolve conflicts and to adapt to each other.

If, for example, we have very different interests, after that, how are we going to get together? So it's for sure that time is what it is. If we have a lot of responsibilities, we have children too. The time we have together is already less. If we take it to have different interests, either it can be interesting to see if we will interact and then we will learn the interest of the other.

Do we create a new one where we can get together? But that's where there is more ability needed to negotiate differences. More work to do. But in the behaviors, let's say. Because I imagine myself in a context where I'm with another antisocial human. I wouldn't go far away. There is no one of us who be able to be on time. But at the same time, Liz, they would understand you when you need your moments of bubble

because they would also need it. They understand that there's good and there's bad. They understand. In fact, that's where it's worth identifying your priorities. Because, you know, for example, sometimes I have women who will tell me, ah, I want a man who reads me poetry when I'm in my bathroom at night, and we can share our interest in literature. At the same time, I have a renovation project and I want it to be manual.

Well, then I tell myself, please make a choice. Both, in the same person, it can be difficult. That's why it's worth it to project yourself into the future and say, I see myself where... Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling in another book. He was well-known for his... Oh, no, him! Excuse me.

I have a fresh memory of the job. Oh, but The Pages of Our Love. It's a bit poetic. Listen, that's poetic. Yes, yes, and I love it so much. It's like... We'll give him a shot. Okay, excuse me.

I'm listening. But he's manual and he's poetic. He's that. Try to name yourself what you are. But if you're an actor. It's a movie. It's an actor, it's a movie. Maybe your client...

We just found that your client was on another book. It doesn't mean it's impossible. He's made a nice white house. But it's worth knowing your priorities, because otherwise you can eliminate potential candidates for a detail. And that's where I like to make the metaphor between a means and a need. So for example, if I'm thirsty, in these summer times where it's getting hot, I can want a good lemonade, in a nice cocktail glass with a little vodka, I would like it to be fresh fresh lemon,

pressed, sorry, fresh almond, ice cream, etc. That's what I want. That says it. If you give me a glass of warm water, it will meet my thirst. It meets my needs. You're comparing the needs in relationships. No, not the needs in relationships. You're so cute! I'm sorry. It's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry. But yes, yes, no, no, I understand. So the goal is to meet the needs.

The goal is to meet the needs and realize that it doesn't mean accepting mediocre relationships, that's not what I mean. Or not boiling water. Sorry? Or not boiling water. It depends if you want some Tisane. But the idea is to have more flexibility in the means to meet your needs and identify what is a non-negotiable of what is really a priority.

And that's work in itself. Often we will do what we call the hierarchy of values. Because often people will say, well, I want someone who has an adventurous spirit, who travels, who renews, who wants children has an adventurous spirit, who travels, who renews, who wants children, who is ambitious, who works, who communicates. Perfect. So all of this is on the same level of equality. After that, often what we're going to do is we're going to eliminate quickly because

there's no one who corresponds to 100% to that. So people will see how you're going to measure it. Do you need it? Because sometimes people will say, I want this person to have therapy. That's how I can evaluate the fact of emotional development. But someone, for example, can have read books, listened to podcasts, made personal development in a personal way, personal development in a personal way, but without having consulted.

And what we want, finally, the person will say, I want to be listened to, I want to be supported, I want to feel that we understand each other. So, in the end, it doesn't really need to be that critical. And it's also worth looking at your life projects. Because the risk is to meet someone, there's attraction, there's chemistry, and then a little later, well, we realize

that we didn't have compatibility. Whereas if at the beginning, we're a little more conscious of our priorities, it allows us to see if it's worth it to meet already. So these are life projects that would be the priorities? Life projects, values, the way we will also connect. I can give another example, but there are people who will do a lot of outdoor activities. So they do what they do, whatpine skiing, racquet, etc.

They do summer cycling, paddleboarding. They'll say, I want someone who does those interests, who has those interests too. After that, you have to do the maintenance. Is it important that they do all that? If they just do one, where you find yourself, it's perfect. Or what is important for you is that there is a good health hygiene, so they could train at the gym, that would be fine, and you could find yourself elsewhere.

So it's a bit of a cleaning up that has to be done in the criteria, which is often something that is not very defined, which is quite vague. It really depends on who you are. It's crazy. Yes, yes, it's very personal. It's crazy. Yeah. And as you say, we can't always find that.

We pay someone who renovates. It's for sure that everyone would like that. Someone who hangs the frames and everything. But sometimes you don't have it. But at the same time, at least you say, well, there are people who do it. You're not... You know, I can pay, I can hire people.

I can ask for a fee to not have it for free. Well, if you ask for free food. What can I do? I agree with you. You, do you agree with that too? I agree. My boyfriend likes to think he's good at everything. He probably describes himself as very manual.

That's cute. He's huge. Okay, the break-up. Let's continue. We're not letting Okay, the breakups, we'll continue. We're not breaking up, because we're in a relationship, so it's a challenge for us to project ourselves, to imagine ourselves. That's why the questions help with that. Oh, I'm interested in how

is it possible to make compromises in terms of attachment styles? So basically, if your attachment style is really not the same as... And then you can name a little bit what the styles of attachment are. Yes. Well, in fact, there are two categories. There are the security styles and the security style and the insecure style. So when we are in a security style, it is often due to a

parental model. So self-esteem has been developed. We had a positive, reassuring look. So, people will have confidence in themselves, will be able to identify needs, and they will feel that the relational space is reassuring, for example. Why are you smiling? I don't know. Because it's... It wasn't reassuring?

No, no, no. No, it's... it's... OK, let's continue. Go ahead, go ahead, Duneuil. I can't wait to see if I can relate to the other one. On the insecure side, there's anxiety. So anxiety is that we're afraid of abandonment. It's that we... I don't read that.

Sometimes the parent is unavailable. Because in fact, the theory comes from the fact that it's from our history. That said, there may be other parent figures or other important people who came to change this style. It's not something that is necessarily fixed. It's something that can evolve, especially when you're in contact with someone who has a secure style, for example. So when you're on the insecure side, more anxious, you can be afraid of abandonment. What that can create is that you need to be very reassured in relationships. And in fact, in coaching, I work with symptoms.

So what does that style do, for example? Well, as soon as the person gets me, I can go to the gym, I can go to the gym, I can go to the gym, I can go to the gym. And in fact, in coaching, I work with symptoms. So what does this style do? As soon as the person doesn't answer me, I panic. As soon as we're not together, I panic too. I need a lot of them to tell me in words that they love me. I have trouble accepting that we take our time to discover each other

because I'm always anxious. Well, we would have a symptom of what it can give in dating. On the evasive side, we are more in... I'm afraid of proximity. So it can give, for example, when the engagement happens, when the person wants to officialize the relationship, I want to save myself a little bit. Or the emotional connection is more difficult because I didn't

learn or I didn't have time to learn or express my emotions. So it's something that needs to be developed to reinforce that. Then there's the disorganized style, always in the insecure ones, where that's what we can call the most severe style. And often it will require another type, for example, of therapeutic accompaniment, where parents have been sometimes available, sometimes not. Sometimes there was neglig available, sometimes not. Sometimes there was negligence, sometimes there was abuse,

and now we're in something where there's more confusion. You're in there. Like... I just want to see the image of you with your postcards, like, in your little basin, and like... I just want to think about that. Well, yes, that's the image I have of you when you were little, and that you were abandoned with your little photos.

Oh, no. But I know that your father, you'll see, that's exactly it. It's just that there are things in which I recognize myself a lot. But that can also vary from relationship to relationship. Yes. And from stage to stage. I start my relationships more anxious, and the more it evolves, the more I go towards avoidance.

That's pretty much my pattern, I would say, until now. It's not ideal. Well, in fact, the idea is, precisely to answer the question, is that we don't necessarily compromise on our predominant style, but it can be inter-influenced. So we can feel more and more secure depending on what we're living through, and also depending on the partner we're with, depending on the work we do. But after that, in coaching, I work with what we call an unconscious love equation. Because the important thing is what you've finally concluded unconsciously.

So there are people who will say, well, for me, it's like a prison. If I meet someone and I'm afraid of not being able to get out, because in my previous relationships, well, finally, I found myself, I felt like a prisoner. Now, we're going to start with this symbolism, so it allows us to go into something that's a little wider, and we don't address, we don't treat in coaching, a problem of attachment, for example. But attachment styles are not necessarily troubles.

But in coaching, we will also go with the symptoms, what it creates as an emotional trigger, that we can neutralize. What are the behaviors, for example, that you do? That is to say that I write three texts straight to the person, while I should maybe wait. So that's what we're going to look at, what it can do. Just to be aware of the attachment style of the other, I guess that helps.

To know that you know that, hey, you don't have the same attachment style, so I know that she's more likely to be like that and that he's... That's it in your relationship too, I don't think it's the same attachment style. To also know yours and to learn to know yourself too, you can... Like, I'm at a stage where I know my reflexes, I know, I feel myself going up, what do I want to do? But I'm really at a stage where I know my reflexes. I know, I feel myself going up, what I want to do. But I'm really at a stage where I'm able to control it, for example. Am I ready to say that I have a safe attachment style? No. But let's say, before taking me into a paranoia of anxiety, I'm going to sit down, I'm going to breathe, I'm going to think.

And before doing like, okay, I'm going, I'm going to stop everything this, and I'm leaving the house, and blah, blah. But I'm going to take a few seconds, and I'm going to breathe again, say, okay, I'm just going to rest on this, it's not the end of the world. In the sense that knowing too, what your reflexes are,

and it allows you to recognize them when you feel them. And already there, a huge step, because I remember a moment in my life where there are emotions that rise, and I don't know where they come from, I remember a moment in my life where emotions are rising and I don't know where they come from, I don't know why they happen, and how to control them. And that's where it can become a little bit of a challenge. Exactly, we're talking about emotional management.

So the fact that you're aware of your style, or at least your reflexes, as you name them, it also allows you to set up tools to manage that emotion and make sure that you're able to have power over it. You don't just want to endure it, actually. No, that's right. And that's what makes it favor the chances of success in your relationship because it doesn't get contaminated. That said, the partner in a relationship can be an ally. Yeah, yeah, really. Especially if you manage to be with someone who is more secure, you know.

I have the impression that the partner who is anxious, avoiding or disorganizing tends to take more security than the opposite, you know, the people. The person who is secure does not necessarily become more anxious. That's for sure. I admit that two insecure people together... Well, often, from what I understood, an outsider and a... An outsider. An anxious person. An anxious person will tend to attract a lot.

Oh yeah! Because they understand each other. No, because it's like if one goes... In any case, I try to put it in my interpersonal, friendly relationships, that's been the pattern a lot. I've had a lot of friends more anxious about relationships. And the reason why it happened like that is that I tend to avoid situations, and they try to reassure themselves all the time,

so they come to me a lot. So it makes them put the time, and I come back, and the time to find me. They take the time to come back and the relationship continues. Other friends, friends who are like me, they don't call me. I don't know if they don't like each other, but it keeps the relationship. I've had a lot of relationships with very anxious people around me. It's kind of a little... I was wrong in practically all my relationships. How to approach it in date mode without sounding too intense? How to highlight important values without scaring the person?

Or someone on a date who says, hey, it's important to me, a family, etc. What would be your advice about that? How do you start talking about it? Well, first, if I had someone who came to see me with this problem, I would start by making a love report. So what makes this diagram repeat? Is it at the level of selection? Is it at the level of self-esteem?

There is something to clarify on why this diagram is repeated? What I often observe in my practice is that people who have been cheated often have more difficulty in listening and affirming their needs. So, to name limits, for example. So, what it could create is that we're more in relationships, we're taken for granted, or there's more abuse. Otherwise, again, is it a love crush that makes me constantly choose someone who is not available? So, I think it's the first step, precisely, to go see what makes it happen constantly.

It's sure that in this case, if I tend to the affirmation of self, because what she names is how to name my values without being afraid to flee from the other. So there, we see that there is a fear that the other is in, there is a fear of rejection. Whereas if I am in a position, we will say, which is stable or I have confidence, well, if I name an important value and the person in front of me says that it's not compatible, well, that's great. In fact, it has nothing to do with who I am, but that means there's incompatibility, for example. So, is it at the level of strategies? Is it the way she names them?

Because it's for sure that if I have that fear, it's possible that I'm charged in the way I name it. So, we're maybe just attenuating the lightness at the beginning of a meeting. You know, we should see how we can attenuate this fear so that it's lighter, precisely. And that will favor the meeting, the seduction, etc. And there was another question in there that was before saying how to name the values. What to do when a couple lives in a breakup but that the two people are in the same circle of friends? Oh no, that's not right.

In the question? Oh, in that one? Yes, in that one. I was almost wrong in your numbering. How to highlight important values ​​without scaring the person. Oh, that's it. You're on the other end. You said exactly that.

She's scared already. She didn't even say she was scared. Exactly. So it's for sure that if she's scared, she doesn't talk about it. Clearly, it won't be people who will join these values. Exactly. At the moment when we learn to put limits. That's a challenge that I see every day.

To put limits. Well, the first step is to recognize it before it's too late. Often, it's when we explode with anger that we realize that, ah, it has reached a limit. So already, if I'm able to identify the signals before exploding, it takes a kind of self-hearing or self-scan. And then, that's how I name it to the other. And that's a whole lot of work, but it's done. We can develop these skills.

That is to say, for example, what do I need and how do I make a clear demand? Well, already, there's more chance that after that, it will be taken into account than if I come up with an emotional breakdown, for example. But it's true that it's a challenge that I often see on the affirmation of the limits. And from the start, it's super important because that's what will also create respect, consideration, which is super important in the beginning of a, to learn to say, for example, OK, we had a scheduled date, and then the person forgot. Well, we'll see, we can maybe give the benefit of the doubt, but it's important to name,

listen, for me, my time is important, and for me it's important that you respect it. Well, is it going to be replaced or not? But to let that go, necessarily necessarily, we go towards a relationship, if it repeats itself, which will not necessarily be healthy or fulfilling. Absolutely, because the person can say, we didn't do a thing. Exactly. And that's really it, the direction it will take will not please you, especially if you don't name your discomforts.

And the moment you start naming your discomfort, it's a bit addictive. The moment you know you can put your limits, and that you can... Oh my God! You're like, no, that's my limit. And after that, you feel that... You feel more respected because you respect yourself first. It's extraordinary the feeling it gives

to learn to name your limits. I recommend everyone 10 out of 10. Well, it's because any internal conflict, if you don't name a limit, there are chances that you'll be in an internal conflict. Whereas if you expose it, you're free from that conflict, but you also give the other person the chance to take it into account, who may not even know about it. Exactly.

And there's a weight to it too. Because it's not just when the moment that something happens, you don't have your limit. It's the moment after where you just think, hey, I didn't like that, I didn't like that, I didn't like that. If you had said it, you wouldn't be all in a deep sleep, would you? Yeah, really. And for people who have difficulty, I suggest you start with small steps.

So start already with the person with whom you are most comfortable. A friend with the person you're most comfortable with. A friend, your sister, well, your father. But like that, you're already in a comfort zone, and the more you go with the people with whom it's a little more demanding emotionally. It has to relate to you. You can't say, stop putting red lips there, it's ugly. Indeed. Indeed.

Is it me? No, no, no, I'm saying sure if I'm the only one who's got these letters. Indeed. Indeed. Is that me? No, I was just saying that. You already told me. Not that one, but you already told me. I was saying that for the others. We were in different places. It's true that it's a good idea to have a family, because you know that your mother will never... Well, no, we can never...

It depends on the people. On the contrary, the family is not the area where they will practice. But it's for sure that people who just saw me, we work for an objective to love. It's often to improve the relationship or to meet and prepare for the meeting. So, according to that, if we go into the social world, we will practice to bring that back to the meeting or in the love field, for example. Because for some people, it's less confronting. And I would rather go to an Asian restaurant than a Mexican restaurant. It's a small step, I named a preference, whereas usually I wouldn't have said anything and I would have adapted. And then, I would have been able to go to a restaurant,

and I would have been able to go to a Mexican restaurant. And I would have been able to go to a Mexican restaurant. And I would have been able to go to a Mexican restaurant. And I would have been able to go to a Mexican restaurant. And I would have been able to go to an Asian restaurant than a Mexican restaurant. It's a small step, I named a preference, whereas I would have said nothing and I would have adapted. And it's really attractive someone who names, not to be left in a kind of, I don't know, is it correct, is it not correct?

I would be pleasantly surprised if someone would be like, I don't know, live, it would be Mexican. Okay, let's go. And if I don't like it, we'll find something else. Perfect. Each one of us has what we like and what we don't like. Yes! It's a love game.

Well, yes. It's true, it's like, oh, it's how you want it, we can go wherever you want, wherever you want, wherever you want. I'm like, perfect. Well, I have fun. Yeah, that's it. We'll see what I want all the time. You'll see, you'll have a good microbiota.

But hey, the other question is true, it also bothered me. People who... I'll give you an example. I have a circle of friends who developed with my child. Really close. The blondes. My friend has like 20 friends, okay? And they all have blondes.

They are best friends, so we see each other often. So we're a little more like that. And we have all the children. Exactly. You know, we're all like that. That, what do you... Because there's a question, that's what it says. What to do when we see a break, but the two people are in the same circle of friends?

And it's like very difficult to cut the ties. Well, one of the two is eliminated from the circle of friends. Well, that, that's it, it's the white one, but it's not sure. Here, Lisanne has found the solution. It's a joke. It's funny. It's sad. Again, in the sense of limiting contact at the beginning to live his coverage, to deprogram.

It depends on the relationship we have with Lex, it depends on the relationship we have with the circle of friends. We can, for example, propose that during the conversation, we can have a have with the circle of friends. We can, for example, propose that for a while, either one is invited and the other is informed, and the other decides not to come, for example. It depends on how the two feel. We can decide that we see one person at a time, so we don't always go into the group. We can also do new activities, new hobbies, and develop new friendships outside of what is associated with the ex.

It doesn't mean to reject your circle of friends, but that will also do good for the morale to start re-appropriating your personal life, new, outside of what you lived before. There is really something too, you know, in the sense that, because of this subject, I think a lot about the fact that me and my child, we left once during a year and then we came back together. And we had a common friend series. Personally, I chose to mute my friends because I knew that they often made stories with him. They lived all in Quebec and I lived in Montreal. So without unfollowing anyone, you know I just don't expose myself to their activities and what they do. And I didn't want to be talked about or what they do. It's easy, you have friends in common, it's like an entry gate to his life, to him. So you're like, oh yeah, so what's new? Did you start seeing someone?

You know, that, you shouldn't go there because it's just martyrizing. Yeah, indeed. So you had already put strategies, I imagine you communicated to your friends not to talk about it or it's more you who decided not to ask questions. I eventually didn't have the choice to do my game, why do we talk about it? That's a good way to protect yourself. Indeed. Yeah. Because at first I was curious and I realized that it didn't make game for people to talk to. That's a great way to protect yourself. Indeed. Because at first I was curious and I realized that it didn't make me feel good. So eventually you have to go there.

And I remember my friends going there and I was like proud of myself because I didn't talk about it today. I was like, yes! But it's like a name that's in the room while you're together. Yes. That's why you have to take care of yourself. It's possible that during a time it's too difficult, or on the contrary, it's good for us if we put on some braces, just as you name it.

Oh my God, it's already been almost an hour since we've been together. Okay, we'll do one last question, then we'll go to Patreon. I feel like we haven't touched touched anything because I keep saying things. I'm so sorry. If we can't put it as a title, it's going to be the title. Melly Mello with Sandra. Maybe two. Let's go with two. OK.

Well, I'll say the nine. I'm a single again at 32 years old. I want to have a child. I don't want to realize this dream alone. Time passes quickly, so I clearly need to meet someone that I see as the father of my children. How to do not choose someone just for this reason? What are the criteria that I should prioritize? Excellent question, because I see a lot of women in that situation. Well, already, at 32, you have a little game. That said, what I hear in there is the urgency. And indeed, the urgency, the perception that there is an urgency, can make sure that we choose badly.

He wants children, that's all, that's perfect. So already, I would invite this person to ask, what lover do I want to be when I become a mother? What do I want to show my children, to get closer to the future? What do I want to live with this lover as a family? It will allow me to come out of values that may not be obvious at first.

And then after that, I have clients who will choose a plan B. For example, what happens if I don't find it right? Wait, am I wrong? And then after that, I have clients who will choose a plan B. For example, what happens if I don't find it, exactly? Wait, do I decide to be a single mom? Do I look at it for adoption? Will it satisfy me to be a nanny for the children of my friends and to get involved in that role? Am I going to work or be a volunteer to support children, for example.

And again, in PNL, we say the more we have options, the better it is. And so it sometimes calms down the emergency. And sometimes it also gives you a deadline. So it's like, I have this time and then I move on to the other project, for example. Woohoo! Two years on top of the clock, otherwise away to the sperm bank. It could be, it's true that... It's personal.

It's true that, let's say, often if we go that the criteria pair by pair, but at the same time as you say, what do you want to give to your children? So yes, you will have a good father, but who will have a... I don't know, you don't have a good relationship, but we show our are two people who don't like each other, but you're a good father. So it's true that you also have to check the connection and the love. Yes, and you shouldn't forget that the couple exists before the children. Yes, it's true. And it will exist after. The children at some point, they will go away, so it will stay with them. So you point will go with it, so it will remain who it is.

So you have to take care of your partner, because after that they will leave. It's a selection criterion, but if that's all we put forward, well, we're not going to create desire, compatibility, we're not going to create a relationship at the start, because that's all we put forward, precisely. So the risk, precisely, is that the person is not interested in our personality, because that's not what we put forward forward and that the interest is decreasing. Yeah.

I'd like to ask another question, but it's because Joanie, what she does, every time we have a list of questions, and she reads them in any little order. So after that, I'm caught, while you're having a discussion, trying to find out which questions she hasn't asked. It's really annoying, you have to stop doing that. Well, you know... Expression of a limit. I'm just putting my limit there. Okay. What questions did you find that you didn't ask? It's really annoying, you have to stop doing that. Well, that's... I'm putting my limit there.

Okay. I don't even ask that. I don't even ask. Because I really go to the feeling. His feeling blocks mine. Beyond traditional criteria... I'm pregnant and I'm not lying, I'm sorry. Beyond traditional criteria, respect, communication.

Respect, communication. He just said it. I was in respect, in communication. What's up? We're like an old couple. Yes, that's it. It's a new woman. We'll say it. No, it's because I'm used to doing that with my son.

Fakes. I spend my days doing that. Okay, excuse me. Yes, beyond traditional writing, respect, communication, because we understand each other, communication is what we understand. We could answer each question. Do you understand? Well, we said it, we know it.

Excuse me. I apologize. We'll take a break. I don't know. It's making me laugh. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hey, for real. I'm really sorry. I just didn't communicate. Well, that's for sure.

That's what I was talking about. Okay, are there any important red flags that you don't ignore when you go back to the dating market after a very long relationship. That's good, Momé. That's good. So, well, already, everyone has their own Red Flag. We don't have the same ones. It depends, again, on your priorities.

So someone who wants to travel, their Red Flag is someone who doesn't want to. Someone who wants children, their Red Flag is someone who... So there's a question of criteria. It's more personal, but there's also a question of, let's say, more universal Red Flags. For example, the way the person will manage his emotions. I have the example of a client. Two or three appointments, she's invited to go to the OSM, a concert. So it's a nice exit, a nice date.

The guy comes to pick her up, and on the way there's traffic, concert. Belle sortie, belle date. Le gars vient la chercher et en chemin il y a du trafic, mais il se met à vraiment injurier, sacrer. Il en va même jusqu'à un moment donné baisser sa fenêtre pour insulter l'autre conducteur. Ben là on en a un red flag. Gestion émotionnelle, gestion de la colère, ça fonctionne pas. Et't work. And that happens pretty quickly. So that's one of them. What could also... Because in the U.N. flag, you also have to be careful what you perceive as something non-negotiable because sometimes you have to leave a chance.

For example, some will say, well, first date... Sorry? Are not popular. It depends on the priorities. Excuse me? They're not going anywhere. It depends on the priorities. It might give an idea about the gypsies. It also depends if they have children who go to the bathroom all the time. Yes, that's it. And it's winter and now...

Hey, I didn't attack you! Hey, she's always attacking me! What? I wasn't talking about you! My cat is all clean now! The zero of you! No, no. It's crazy. Because we have things to do.

Yes, that's it. We're going to have a session together. I'm having fun! I'm having fun in your game! No! No, I'm trying to find another example in a car. Oh, okay. Is that something you've already experienced? Yes, she came in my car and said it was going to kill me. In her car?

Yes. You're going to talk about the lipstick. She already told me my lipstick wasn't beautiful. No! No! I was giving examples that were coming to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's funny. No. Okay, so yeah, no. Businesses in the sense of small things like that, everyday life, that you're like, you could say, ah, major turn off, I never want to see that guy again because it stinks

his car, but in the end, you know, you could have given him two more dates and in the end it didn't stink, it was just a spaghetti that he forgot. Or, for example, the person talked too much about her in the first date, I had the impression that she was egocentric, she didn't ask me questions. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe at the second meeting, if you walk, for example, you're not sitting in front of each other, there are chances that it will be easier, more fluid,

and that there were more questions. Or maybe she asked it by text or on the meeting site, and it's really circumstantial, and it's worth not eliminating too quickly. So the idea is really to see where the intuition will play a role in it too. Really, I really feel like it was malice, or no, I feel like something is not working. The intuition will play too. Often, it's true that sometimes the lack of self-confidence sometimes will also make him,

he will maybe, you have to talk to him because it's not because he's, it's really sometimes a lack of confidence too, so he doesn't want to be silent. Sometimes people think that silence is dangerous, but it's great sometimes. A little silence. She looks at me like that. That's why you sometimes close your eyes, you see. Sometimes it's a good idea, the silence, it sometimes. A little silence. She looks at me like that. That's why you sometimes close your eyes. Sometimes it's a good idea to have silence. No, I'm looking at you because I know you like it sometimes. That's just it.

Okay, look. We're not manageable. My other question is, someone, to finish before going to Patreon, we're back to the break, what are the steps? Someone is coming back today, she is devastated. Can you tell us again what the steps are and what we can do? First step, normalize, welcome emotions, take care of yourself, setting small goals, meditating, walking, eating, trying to function, limiting contacts with Lex,

seeing his surroundings. We can, if we feel that it's more difficult, go for a support, and we can also give ourselves the means and tools to go through this alone, if we feel that we are capable. Then it's about telling ourselves, it's a period. I want to go through it, it will last three to six months, maybe faster too.

But that allows us to say, it's just a transition. Second step is to make a love report. So that can be interesting to do it in a way accompanied because we will go more, more precisely, we will say. That is to say, what are my patterns, comment j'aborde mes relations, est-ce que par exemple j'ai pas été suffisamment pragmatique quand j'ai choisi des partenaires ou au contraire je suis trop sérieuse.

Donc ce que ça fait c'est qu'il n'y a pas de séduction, il n'y a pas de jeu, dans nos choix d'activité on n'a pas développé du plaisir ensemble, mais c'est peut-être pour ça justement que ça évolue pas de cette façon-là. Qu'est-ce que j'ai mis de l'avant? There's no game in our choices of activities. We didn't develop pleasure together, but that's perhaps why it doesn't evolve that way. What did I put forward? And I think it's a good question to ask yourself, also, if you're ready to go back to the meeting site or just to meet someone, is to ask yourself what are the strengths, the strengths that I have.

As much as the strengths, my psychological strengths, my personality traits, my abilities and my physical strengths. And after that, if we are able to give 5 to 10 strengths, I consider that we are ready to return. But sometimes people will say, I have beautiful hair, I'm nice. Well, we need to work on trust and on esteem. Because the risk is to choose relationships that are mediocre, because I don't know what I'm worth.

I'm not aware of my value or I don't honor it. Or simply, I don't know myself enough to choose well. Hey, that's good. Yeah. Often we wonder when we're really ready to return. Well, we're also ready when there's no enviable emotion. If we feel like we're there by lack, well, we're going to be more in a rebound. In any case, there's more chance that we have a rebound relationship because we chose it to meet a lack.

We don't choose it for compatibility, for example. So that's one... But rebounds are still good, you know, because my ex was a rebound and... What? It's boring, right? I was too funny. And it was good because it taught me. And then, I was lucky because it taught me other things, so that after that with Louis, it would be perfect.

So it made that... So in the end, little rebounds, sometimes it's good. Well, actually, it's one thing if we're... We know we're not ready, it's worth being honest with the other. The idea is more if we say we want a serious relationship, but in fact, we just want to warn you, you're a rebound. Maybe not that way, but it's to be aware of where we are. Can we just say we want a serious relationship?

We're more saying, for the moment, I'm getting bored of a relationship, I'm more exploring, and at least we don't create false hopes in each other. But sometimes, it's that you don't even know yourself. And it's after the relationship is over that you realize that, hey, in the end, I wasn't ready. Yes. That's why the idea of making a conscious assessment. This assessment, can we do it in a relationship or... It doesn't matter.

We can make couple assessments, yes. Indeed, to see what we're going to improve. In the evening. Yes, etc. But see what we improve. In the evening? Yes, etc. Did you really want to meet tonight? No, it's available. How about tonight? Not tonight, but we'll meet.

I'm going to eat some fresh chicken. Correct. I'll wait until tomorrow evening, please. And as you asked, yes, I can do the survey alone,, but of course, doing it with someone who knows each other, well, it will sometimes be more precise because of the knowledge. Sometimes we are not aware that there is this part there too that we need to develop in the field of love relationships. Thank you Sandra, and sorry really from us.

Thank you from the deepest of my heart, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. But it's maybe because... It's like it's every time you said it, my brain was like, Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. You were just saying some stuff on a dating app. I was like, my big ball crisis! That's what I hear in my head. So I just have to remember nyeh's every second, and I'm so sorry. It was uncontrollable. It's like your brain now, from the old woman,

it becomes like a kind of balloon, and everything is like... Well, now it's a really solid balloon. You confirmed yourself, really nice. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Always a pleasure. It was super pertinent. It's like, you know, when you're with someone,

you get super angry, you become very calm. When you're someone who really knows what they're talking about, you just want to say something, I think that's what happened. It's true. Well, I love you so much, you're going to follow us all our lives and probably as a couple. We hope that... well, no, not all our lives, but at the same time, we hope that at some point it's like 100%, but... At some point, you'll all know these methods, you'll all be able to do it on your own.

Not Sandra, you'll all know these methods, you'll all be fixed on your own. Sandra, stop. Enough. No, but it's fun to have an arbitrator there, who is like someone from Exeter who... You're like, hey, it takes me an Exeteran opinion. If he tells me something, it means nothing to me. Like, you know? Not that it means nothing, but that...

You know? When Sandra says it, I'm like, oh, yes. But when he tells me, it's not the same thing. I don't know why. I know. It's dumb, but... Sometimes because we hear it from other words. Sometimes also, simply because I'm not emotionally involved.

So that too, it makes a difference. And it's interesting what you say in the sense that it's not because we see a couple coach that our relationship goes wrong. No, not at all. The example is that you had a good rate of conjugal satisfaction, and yet we can improve it. The idea is not to come too late. Sometimes I have people who call me,

they have been left for two months and they say, we want to give ourselves one last chance. Well, it's possible because the two of them have realized that several things are actually ready to work. It's not impossible, it can work. But at the same time, sometimes we'll wait so long, there's something that's a conflict that comes back, that's recurrent, we hurt ourselves, we accumulate frustrations.

And then we come up with what we call an emotional debt. We need to work really long to bring something back to balance. So the idea is not to see it as a matter of last resort, but rather when we start to see that it's getting better, let's go and consult. It doesn't have to be for years. Coaching is pretty short. A relationship is like a credit card.

You have to try to reset it every day to be sure it's correct. That's good. Every day. And to reflow the check account. To reflow the check account. To reset the credit card, you have to reflow the check. You have to pay the check. Exactly. To put the credit card at zero, you have to pay the check. Yes, and it's when it's going well.

If it's going well, it can always get better. And the little things, I'm in such a strong relationship that I want the little things to be no longer there. I would like it to always have them, but how to manage them so that it doesn't explode.

Exactly. The more it explodes, I would like it to have no explosion. It's just a little... I understand. Ok, yeah, we're going to meet today. Ok, perfect. I understand. We'll meet again. We consider that the check account is the relationship between you and yourself.

And the credit card is the chum. It's interesting. Really? What you're saying, because yes, there's a question of nourishing oneself. We're talking about emotional autonomy in what you name. So we could say that there are two credit cards. There's mine where I nourish myself, I take care of myself, I have my life, my projects.

You name yourself, you're afraid of forgetting yourself. So it means that it's important that you feed that to be available to your relationship. It's like to pay my credit card, I have to take your credit card. That's really it. And to give money in the couple's checkbook. There is also the couple's checkbook. Ah, it's him. I don't know.

Where there are compliments, connections, shared moments. And that's not paying the credit card. It's something else. Well, pay back. No. That's filling the tank. Ah, I understand, I understand. I put my notes in my fridge, people come and they're like, complimenting my partner. I wrote on my fridge what I had to do,

I complimented more. So now I see it every day. And then I'm like, hey baby Louis, bravo, la la la. And I say things I really think. It's just that sometimes, I don't think about. It's just that sometimes I don't throw a thought into it. Because I really think about it. I'm not going to invent something.

I'm just going to think about it. So it's written there. All my things, my notes are written in my fridge. People are... It's a good idea. There are a lot of couples that I accompany who have things on the fridge. Because we see it. Yes.

Daily. Then, in relation to compliments, it takes five compliments to allow a complaint. Oh. So that means you have to compliment a lot in our relationship before naming an dissatisfaction. So, in your day, do you know that you're going to say something bad about your husband? You're funny, you're funny, you're smart.

No, exactly. Compliments that are... Big dick, can you shut your mouth? Is that it? Do you eat that? More or less. Okay, okay. Natural, that are... Can you shut your mouth? Does that work? More or less. Natural, it has to be more natural. Let's say in the morning he's going to get up, you're beautiful my dear.

It's not that direct. I have something to tell him tonight, so I give him five compliments in a day. It's not that direct, it's more the general atmosphere. Thank you for doing that. You're really hungry when you do that. And you know the compliment? It's that you're making me angry. She there... I wish her brain had have taken the branch of the gnaise. She has a big problem. Talk to me instead. Talk to me.

While the men are resting, what I wanted to say was... Are we on Patreon? Well, I think... Well, I don't know. We're not on Patreon, are we? We're not on Patreon, are we? No, no. What does that mean? I don't know. We're not on the same page, are we? We're not on the same page, are we? No, no. What does that mean?

I put my notes in, what do I do? Yes, compliments, general atmosphere. The way to give a compliment is not necessarily a good job. It's more like, how does it bring me something? Hey, thank you for having lunch. It really helps me. You know, there are some for whom the service is returned, it changes everything. So it's something that needs to be felt.

It's not just a high five. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think you really trusted the jokes. And not to take for granted, because often we tend to, let's say for example your chum, Yeah. He does a lot of things, for example, he makes food. That's it, sometimes we come and take for granted. It's like my other guy, every day, he brings me a glass of water before going to bed. It's the thing that threatens for granted that, that's it, you shouldn't take for granted.

That's what I'm saying. For real, if there's one thing I can do a good job in my relationship, it's that I don't take anything for granted and I'm really good with words. For me, it's more in the actions. Sometimes I have trouble. But to say thank you, show my gratitude and be very honest. And to tell him, I feel a lot of gratitude, I'm good at it. It's important. But for example, the actions, I think it's important.

And I admit, I'm less tough. And the compliment, the power of the compliment when you're dating, it's important, and I admit I'm less tough. And the compliment, the power of the compliment when you're dating, it's very strong. Even when you're dating? Yes, because you'll guide the other person on what you like. And you can also create desire with the way you'll use a compliment. Your perfume smelled so good, my God, it was intoxicating.

I really appreciated that you made me laugh tonight. It's been a long time. The person said, well, she likes that about me. So it will help feed the seduction in the beginning of the date. The compliment. It's fun. Let's compliment ourselves. And you, everyone. Well, you are beautiful, you are good, you are funny, you are smart.

We have to go on Patreon. We're going on Patreon. We were good, the gang. Thank you so much Sandra, for real. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for your skills and for enduring us. Yes, thank you Sandra. And we'll see you tonight. Talk to you later.

Welcome to the official Patreon platform, Sex Oral. I'm here! I'm here, I'm here! I'm back! I'm here! I just arrived! I'm a teenager! What can you expect from our Patreon platform? It's live shows that we've never shown anyone that you'll be able to see.

You'll be able to ask questions for guests who come. You'll see one bonus podcast per month. Sometimes it's live shows, sometimes it's just us here who jam. After the podcasts, after the podcasts we're going to have recorded, we're going to go directly on Patreon to film after shows. Announcements in advance, tickets, access to live shows.

No matter what you choose, like whatever, we thank you in advance. It's a big difference for Sex Orale. It's something that grows, it's our baby. We're proud, we're happy. Yeah, and that's it. Thank you so much.