She's On The Money - Always the Bridesmaid (paying), Never the Bride

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Friday is here again! Bring more yay to your day and join Victoria, Jess and Bec as they celebrate your money wins, answer a Money Dilemma about how to financially prepare for a divorce. AND, you slid into our DMs this week to ask about what financial expectation should be put on bridesmaids for a wedding. Well, you'd better believe the gals have thoughts on this one! If you're in financial trouble the National Debt Helpline are a great resource! Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money. She's on the money.

hello and welcome to she's on the money the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. Today is Friday, which means it is time to get the team together and celebrate you, our incredible She's On The Money community. Today, we're going to be sharing our favorite money wins. We're going to talk about International Women's Day. We're also going to be helping to answer a juicy money dilemma, which this week is all about how to set yourself up financially for a divorce. And we're going to unpack something that slid into my DMs, then made it to my TikTok, made it to the Instagram reels, which this week is all about bridesmaids and who should be paying for what. But before we get there, Miss Jessica Ricci, what are you most excited about this week?

International Women's Day! Are you actually excited? I'm so excited because people don't realise, I think, how long it takes us to work on something like this in the background. We've been planning for this. 12 months. Literally since International Women's Day last year finished. It's so bad. Like, it's all we talk about in the background, but I'm so excited about it. I know. And this week we announced all of the guests for all four of the cities, which we have been absolutely dying to share with everybody. Four cities which is absolutely wild and I'm genuinely so excited because as you said before we do so much planning in the background to make the most of IWD and I feel like we did a pretty good job of it last year but guess what we

only did that in three months. Now we've got 12 months as a lead time so pressure's on for the team. It has to be bigger, it has to be better and we couldn't be more grateful because our friends and the incredible team at Sharesies this year are helping us bring it to life. As you guys know, we have doubled the number of cities we're able to visit this year. So we'll be heading to Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane and Perth. And given the event is all about celebrating and empowering women, we are so proud to be able to work with partners like Sharesies who genuinely embody the same values as She's On The Money.

And guess what? We've got our fingers crossed because a little bird told me, Jessica, that one of their powerhouse CEOs, Brooke Roberts, might just be joining us for the events. I'm so excited. She's the coolest person ever. You've hung out with her quite a bit. I'm obsessed with her. Guess what? I got to hang out with her and Jacinda Ardern in the same room. Like, mic drop. Dream combo.

Bec, you look really excited. So excited you just threw your hands in the air and went silent. I did. I didn't know if I was allowed to talk yet or not. Hello, everyone. Of course you are. And that sounds so exciting. It's actually so exciting. I get to go to Perth. Like, how wild is that? I remember last year when we were planning it, Jess, we were talking about where we could go and what that would look like. And we just did Melbourne and Sydney because that was like for us the easiest because I operate out of Sydney a lot.

And I was like, I know it there. Like, you know, it was pushing the budget. I said to the girls, I was like, oh, probably be a few years before we're able to get all the way over to Perth. Like, we'll build, we'll build. Guess where we're going this year? Perth. That is wild to me. And Perth's been kicking off for it.

You guys have the highest ticket sales. Not that it's a competition. Perth is leading the way which is really really cool we're super pumped to get out there what are you most excited for Bec? I'm really excited to actually leave Melbourne this is so exciting I've never actually been here for the free ticks I really am and I don't know if it's obvious yet but I have obviously no financial knowledge so I really am here for the travel part yeah and you're a woman and you want to be empowered I do want to be empowered 10 out of 10 experience speaking of empowered women Miss Jessica Ricci can you take us through our

community money wins this week. Absolutely, I can. I've got some really good ones for you this week, guys. My first one comes from Lauren, who said, another money win, which is actually a fortnightly win, is using funky food to buy our veggies. Funky food? I picked this win because I loved the name. It's $42 for the box and it has expensive stuff like ginger and garlic. I also share the extras I get with my in-laws. It's for the Brisbane area only, but it saves us money and it means we don't buy extra fruit or veg except for maybe stuff like lemon. So I think it's a box where you get the like mismatched fruit, you know, you sometimes get the ugly fruit.

So it's like a box of that stuff that maybe the supermarkets wouldn't take because it's not aesthetically pleasing but it's still delicious. That's smart. That's $42 for a box. How good is that? Yeah, and you'll probably get things in there that you'd never think to even buy, like a custard apple or something like that.

I love custard apples. They're so good. What is it? I've never actually bought one. It's an apple that tastes like custard. They're kind of texturally sort of like a peach. What? Like a peach.

yeah like this is not where i thought this was going i thought it was actually custom i thought custard apples were the soft ones aren't they yeah i think they are yeah so like kind of i maybe i'm wrong anyway moving right along when you said hold on no no we're going back to this when you said funky fruit i was like oh is it like a little bit off but then i remembered recently i have been buying the odd bunch so at the supermarket they do like these big bags of limes and stuff and they're like eight bucks and it's actually so much more cost efficient to be buying the odd bunch of things because they don't look 100% right, but they are like they might just have a mark or they might just be all lumped together. And I don't mind. I'm just putting

my tea over here. So they deserve to be loved. Tastes delicious no matter what shape it is. The next win that I have comes from Dosey Dosey, who said, I wanted to buy the first She's on the Money book and I finally decided to buy it and I only paid $9. $9? I used my $10 dollars flybys dollars to pay for the remaining amount. Money win as I have not only saved money, but I'm going to kick my money goals in 2023. Yes, you absolutely are. I love that win. Very wholesome. Next one is from Kayla who said money win. I've made the decision to stop getting my nails done professionally. I love getting my nails done and it has been $1,300 per annum for the past eight years. Oh my God. Wow. Quick maths on that, anybody? That's over $10,000. Yeah,

that's a lot of money. That is a lot of money. We've been doing our nails from home for a while now and you're pretty good at it. Don't look at my one finger that has no nail polish on it right now. But it does save so much money. And Kayla said, I was influenced to purchase a nail kit on Instagram during the Black Friday sales. It was around $200 and it claims to give you around 40 sets, averaging at $5 per set. So every year I'm going to save $1,215. See, that's really good. And I really like actually doing my nails. Now I've gotten into the groove of it. It's like a really nice self-care activity that I do in front of the TV. Yes, it does take me much longer than it does. It is so satisfying clipping your own cuticles. And you can buy cute stickers if you're

not very good at nail art, because that's me. I'm not doing fancy things. We're just painting the polish on. You can buy stickers and then it looks like you did a good job when really you just stuck it on. The amount of people that compliment me on my nail stickers, they're like, love your nail art. And I just smile and nod. Taking that credit. Next win that I have comes from Debbie. she said, tiny unexpected money win. I started my application for a new passport a month ago. I went to the post office today, the last day before the application expired to finish off the process. Passport fees actually have increased since the 1st of January. What hasn't increased since the 1st of January?

Cost of living or cosy living, cosy something. I heard someone call it on TikTok. Cosy living. Yeah, rough. Because I'm a millennial. I know. Debbie said, but because I started the application last year, I still paid the old fee. Oh, money win. So that's a big win. And anyone who's looking at getting a passport. Should have done it last year.

Last one that I have today comes from Karen, who said, I've been paying an amount fortnightly towards my utilities and I got the best charge this month. It was only $8.24. Hey, that is really good. Because she broke the cost down. She's just been paying it off over time. And then all she had left to pay was eight bucks. Money win. I love that. And I loved all of those money wins. Let's go to a quick break. But on the other side of the break, we're going to talk about how to set yourself up financially for a divorce, we're also going to be talking about the spicy topic of who should

be paying for your bridesmaid's dresses. So don't go anywhere, guys. It's going to be a good one. Welcome back, everybody. I feel like we all know what it's time for. Money Dilemma. Let's get into it. Hi there. Have you got a money dilemma you just can't solve? The She's On The Money team is here to help every week we tackle your dilemmas both big and small to answer your most burning money career and life questions to get involved simply head to our website and leave us a short voice recording and you might just find yourself on the show now let's take a listen to this week's money dilemma hi my name is tina and i am wondering about how do you financially go about setting

yourself up after separation and divorce like pay bills pay the rent by yourself how you do that by yourself again like how do you get in the mindset of like being financially independent from your spouse's income I feel like this one is something that we don't talk about enough we always talk about preparing to go into a divorce we always talk about you know having an emergency fund and making sure it's there. But life changes so significantly when you go from having a double income and you and your partner are paying for things to it all being on your shoulders and all being your responsibility. And I think that that actually does require a completely different setup. I do think you need to kind of wipe the budget clean per se and then go back to the

drawing board because money just doesn't come out of nowhere when you go through a divorce. like you actually have to find it and budget for it and things that you could previously afford unfortunately might become a little bit of a luxury especially in the first 12 months while you're finding your feet Jess how would you deal if you went down to one income all of a sudden I feel like it's a really big lifestyle shift kind of on two fronts like you're obviously adjusting to living your life without this person who theoretically you've been really heavily intertwined with for however long you know maybe you have kids or you have pets or you had a house or on some level you have shared responsibilities, but then also you have double

the income or you have two streams of income at least, and now you're going down to one. So it means that you're probably going to be grappling with firstly, I guess, all of the emotional stuff that comes with a divorce, which I don't want to gloss over too quickly because I think it is just as impactful for somebody as the financial side of things. But then you're also having to adjust to the fact that maybe you can't afford to get your nails done every couple of weeks now, or maybe you can't afford to go on a holiday every year now because before when you had those two incomes, you had more room. Whereas now that it's just you, and I believe our listener said she had kids. Yeah, it's hard. That's a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. And I mean, we don't know the

semantics of it. Is there child support or is there shared custody? You know, all of those things are going to factor in. But I feel like, as you said, starting from scratch and going, what have I got coming in and just focusing on what you're doing rather than what your now ex may or may not be contributing is probably helpful because I feel like you can only focus on the factors that you can control, right? Yeah. And it can be really stressful because as you said before, it's a lifestyle shift as much as it's a, you know, something that you've got to get used to. It's not just an increase in bills. It's like, well, where is that double going to come from? Like, what do you reckon? What if you broke up with a partner? How would you deal with doubling the

expenses, where would you begin? Oh God, I don't even know. I know that like as someone who is living in a single income household, I kind of just know already that I probably won't be able to afford to buy a house in the future or buy an apartment. Like maybe I could, but it just seems a lot more hard and so far out of my reach. So I feel like if I was in a place where I was living with someone, we had shared expenses, two incomes, and then we separated. I feel like now I'm fully equipped for that kind of lifestyle. But then again, I don't know what it's like to have children have these shared responsibilities and have, I don't know, maybe they like own a house or rent a large house together. That would just be so difficult. Where do you even start to untangle

that, you know? I also think it's a little bit about goal resetting as well, because, you know, before you said, Bec, like at this point in my life, like I'm not sure buying a property makes sense to me. But if you found a partner and then you guys go, oh, well, actually we can now afford it and you're working towards this goal and you fall in love with this goal and get so excited about it, then you don't have a partner anymore. That reality shift is also a lot to swallow, I think. And I don't think we talk about, you know, the disappointment of not having your expected reality happen, even if it hadn't happened already. Like you might not have bought the house, but you were working towards it. Now you only have half the savings and it's

actually not a reality in the future for you. I think often that can be really disappointing and we take that on ourselves a lot and we just assume, oh, well, it's because I'm not good enough or I don't earn enough or I don't do the, and it's like, no, it's 2023. It's got nothing to do with being good enough or working hard enough. The world is going absolutely crazy. And I read a statistic the other day that said the median house price today in Melbourne, which is where we all are right now. Today is 21 times what it was in 1981 and wages have only gone up six times. I feel like that puts it in perspective as to how unobtainable property has now become. And it's something that, you know, if you then have a dual income and you've worked towards it,

like that would be heartbreaking to lose because I think that you get to a point in your, I don't want to say career, but you get to a point in your life where if you've saved enough and property is on the vision board and it is something that you're going to achieve to then have that knocked out, you kind of go, no, no, no, it's still going to happen. I'm going to make it happen. And it might not actually be the best financial decision ever, which is why I think going back to the drawing board and going, well, before like what you said, Jess, what do I have coming in? What do I have to, you know, have going out and where can I start? Because we can earn more income. You could create a side hustle, you could get a different job, but all of those things

are really dependent on whether it's actually appropriate for you to do that or even accessible for you to do that with small kids. So I just feel like the best advice was actually what you said, Jess, and that's just going back to the absolute basics. Yeah. And the other thing I'd maybe encourage, Bec, you said before, you feel like you would be really equipped to live that way because that's your current reality, but maybe that's not the case for someone kind of going back there. I would really encourage our community member to rely on the resources around her like talk to your friends like we're a great resource and I'm so happy that you wrote into us because we're here to support you 100% but talk to your friends be honest with your

friends around your financial situation if you can't afford to go to dinner tell them that I think there's a lot of shame that people unintentionally carry around lifestyle change and around not feeling like they have a lot of money and I think the people around you love you and I know that can be hard to see if you're going through a time like this but be honest with them. They're there to help you. They're there to support you. And I feel like it's a really great resource to have that you can rely on if you need it. Just before we move on, I do want to acknowledge that some people may be in a position, potentially this listener, where she didn't have any, you know, goals like buying a house or she never actually went to go get her

nails done or already was at a point where there are people out there who are already at a point where they are at the basics, just living their day-to-day life, just not splurging on anything. So kind of taking the advice of going back to the basics might not be super useful or even accessible for some people because they might already be there. And then to have that income cut in half would just be like such a struggle. So I guess in that instance, just taking advantage of the resources that you have available to you, you know, like Centrelink or government resources that... And chat to them. Chat to them. They're so nice.

Exactly. There are things out there to help you. Another great resource we talk about all the time on She's on the Money is the National Debt Helpline, and we love them. You don't have to be in significant debt to talk to them. They have a whole heap of really beautiful financial counsellors who can actually help you on your journey. But yeah, that's a really good call out and one that absolutely is appreciated in this

space. Thank you, Bec. Thank you. All right. Now we're going to move on to what I think is a relatively spicy topic. And given the engagement I've gotten over the last week on my TikTok and on my Instagram related to this. And Jess, the hate messages I've gotten from brides who are real salty at me. I think this is a really good place to land. Usually we'd read out, you know, a little bit

of a community concern or a dilemma here and like address it as a team and bring to the table some community responses. But this week I uploaded a TikTok and it kind of went a little bit crazy. So I'll just drop it here so you guys can all catch up and be on the same page. controversial opinion from me as somebody who has just gotten married I genuinely think that if you're getting married you shouldn't be making the bridesmaids pay for their own dress their own hair their own makeup or any expenses from my perspective if you've got a bridesmaid and you want a bridesmaid in your wedding I think that's your cost not somebody else's cost to factor into their budget when they have bigger goals and values and aspirations to achieve. It sounds

privileged, but if you can't afford to have 10 bridesmaids, don't have 10 bridesmaids. All right. So TLDR, I clearly don't believe that bridesmaids should be paying for their own dresses. Bec, if you're in a wedding, would you expect the bride to be paying for the dress or are you going to front up that cost? Luckily, I've never been in this situation before. But I would say if I were to be a bridesmaid, I would not be in any financial position to be able to afford a several hundred dollar dress. So I would hope that the bride would be definitely buying that one for me. Yeah, 100%. I just, you know, I won't harp on about it because I clearly have already, but I just cannot comprehend that I would go, my goal is now your financial responsibility.

That blows my mind. Jess, what are your thoughts? It's such like a catch-22 because I think the norm over the past however long has definitely been that the bridesmaid wears that cost. I guess it's up for debate if you're expecting your bridesmaids to wear $1,000 designer dresses and really expensive designer shoes and you need them to get their hair done and their makeup done. Like that to me is ludicrous. I do think I have seen people do it in the past much more conservatively. So like you don't have to have your hair or makeup done professionally to be in a wedding. Of course. You know, so taking that

expense off the table, is there something in their closet that fits the color palette of your wedding that they could wear? Or, you know, if you have a color palette, is there something that they would be comfortable buying at their price points? Like you can, I guess, do it in a way where it's not as extreme, but I do think it's ludicrous to put the expectation on people that they have to invest hundreds of dollars to be in your wedding. The only other thing I guess you could do to kind of negate the cost is if you were having them buy a dress at a more affordable price point, if I was the bride, I guess I would be saying, well, that's your wedding gift to me. Like I wouldn't expect anything else. Of course, of course. But yeah, like I think as things get

bigger and bigger and people become more extravagant, it's ridiculous to expect people to invest in a day that's not about them, you know? No, it's about you. Yeah. And having just gotten married, the idea that I would ask my bridesmaids, contextualizing it, I've got my little sister. Can't imagine asking her to buy anything because she's my little sister. I had a bridesmaid that traveled internationally. Can't imagine asking her to also front up any type of cost. I already felt bad that she was willing to spend on international flights. And then my other best friend who had just had a baby and bought a new house. Like I cannot comprehend asking them to front up for my financial goal or the, you know, wedding of my dreams because it's not

their responsibility. You're a good friend. Thank you. Thank you. But I just don't think it should take a good friend. And the comments from online I found really interesting as well because on TikTok, they're very international. So lots were coming from Europe and they're like, what are you talking about? Bridesmaids never pay for their own dresses. Comments from America are like, what do you mean? I could never pay for 12 bridesmaids dresses. I don't even have that many friends. And then it seems to be in Australia, a little bit of a mix between brides paying and then bridesmaids paying. And I just, I think we need to be talking about this a little bit more openly and honestly, because I think the wedding industry is all about like the glitz and the

glamour and making it look beautiful. And there's these massive expectations, but like behind it is money and money is stressful. And money is not something that absolutely everybody has access to, especially if you're budgeting or you're a uni student. And it just blows my mind. So I thought what we could do is go through a couple of the comments that happened on my TikTok and you guys can tell me what you think. Yes, please. So someone on my, I'm not going to read out names because I don't want to name names. But someone said, I forked out over $2,000 for everything for an ex-friend's wedding.

Never again. That's the other thing. What happens if you're like the maid of honour and then in three years' time you're not friends anymore? Oh, my gosh. It's so bad. Oh, my God. So bad.

$2,000. Two grand. I'd just say no. Like I actually, like if someone turned around to me and said, I need you, I'd just say, I'm so sorry. I can't be your bridesmaid. That's absurd. I agree.

But then there were comments like this one that said, I bared the brunt of the cost but I didn't want to I just didn't have the balls to tell the bride I couldn't afford it and I feel like it drives a wedge between you and your friend sometimes like if I asked you to be my bridesmaid obviously like I just want you there maybe I haven't thought about the financial aspect of it I want you to stand beside me on what is meant to be quote and this is not true at all especially as someone who's gotten married the biggest day of your life like I get where they're coming from when they ask you but to then say no sorry like I don't think they're going to take it that way so I think this is why we really need to crack the shell a little

bit around these conversations because it's kind of like if you're asking someone to be your bridesmaid it's kind of like inviting somebody out to dinner at a fancy restaurant if I go oh hey Jess do you want to come out to this really fancy restaurant with me and you go yeah yeah no worries like is that not my responsibility to them pay because I invited you now that's another topic Would that be, I don't know what I would say to that, but I would say split it. You would say split it if I invited you. To a restaurant. I think it's about expectations and actually having that conversation up front.

And maybe not making your bridesmaids agree to being a bridesmaid before they know all of the expectations that are on them. Yeah. Because let's think about the bigger expectations on brides, hen's parties. Yep. Who pays for that? That's a good question. I actually don't know who pays for that.

So a comment that came from one of my girlfriends, Kat Spanty's account. So she took my TikTok, put it on her Instagram stories. They went wild. They then replied to her story and said, I'm a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding this September and we all have to pay for the hens. The maid of honour has planned the whole thing and we are all having to pay $800 each for the weekend. There are five of us. No.

That's ridiculous, right? How? where do you just get that money from it's insane who paid for your hands i paid for a lot of it actually like i ended up paying for the house rental that we had and i ended up getting cash to give to my bridesmaids because i felt uncomfortable with the idea that they would be footing the cost i like said to them look i know this isn't how it usually goes i i think people usually pay for it and organize something within their budget but here's you know tell me what you want to do and I'll get it all locked in and make sure that it's not your financial burden

but that's because let's remember I'm she's on the money like I feel like all I do is think about money and think about other people's financial circumstances so I don't expect everybody to be on that same page right and I'm not saying that this is the expectation but I do absolutely have the belief that if you are going to have your wedding and you're going to create a wedding budget, which we are releasing very soon, my version of a wedding budget. In that budget is your bridesmaid's dresses, your bridesmaid's shoes. If you expect them to have professional hair and makeup, that is your cost. If you have groomsmen, that is your cost. And we need to think about these things because they add up. They're not just something where you go, I'd really like

to have Jess in my bridal party. Yeah, she can pay for that. To me, that is wild to think that that would then become her burden and her responsibility. So I won't go on and on about this, but there is another one thing that came up in comments that really grinds my gears. Are you ready? I'm so ready. All right. So it's this idea that, oh, and this is probably a little bit spicy, but, oh, no, no, no. My bridesmaids paid for their own dresses, but they can wear them again. That gives me such strong 27 dresses vibes. Have you seen that movie? Yes. Like, where are they wearing a bridesmaid's dress again? Like, please tell me. And if it's a dress they really, really wanted to wear again and again, and it's going to go into their capsule

wardrobe on repeat, why is it not already in their wardrobe? That's very true. Why is it not already there? Where is it? Where is it? Oh, you're making them buy it and you think, oh, they'll wear it again. So you've justified to yourself, oh, I put that cost on Jess, but she's going to wear it again. Where? The next wedding she goes to. The next wedding she's a bridesmaid in. Reware don't care. Actually, speaking of Reware don't care, this has obviously become Victoria's wedding talk. So sit down. Are you ready? I'm ready. My best friend, Steph, her wedding, I am so flubbing excited about it, is later this year. And she is getting married overseas. Can't wait really excited about that one but she's getting her bridesmaids to wear my bridesmaids

dresses so we're just like we're wearing them oh great isn't that genius so I'm gonna wear the dress that Steph wore to my wedding and she's gonna be in her wedding dress and I just think that what goes around comes around perfect does she have the same bridesmaids as you had yeah because we have no other friends so it's like I really it's a solid idea that's a money win also she's like I really liked the white bridesmaids like would you mind and I'm like heck no like let's reuse them that makes absolute sense so anyway i think that's genius i love that so if you see a friend that has bridesmaids dresses that you like why not reach out and see if you can buy them second hand or borrow them or do something along those lines just to make it a

little bit cheaper because they are so expensive so interesting and if you want to have those conversations with us you do you absolutely do you do follow us on instagram follow us on tiktok we're at she's on the money aus on instagram and she's on the money on tiktok we're having some spicy stuff come out, Victoria. You're really getting in there, aren't you? Yeah, like literally getting in there. I feel like it's really important though to have those conversations because it just seems so unreasonable to me that I would continually be expected to pay for other people's weddings. And then on top of that, be expected to bring a gift. Like to me, it's wild. And that's coming from somebody whose literal love language is gift giving.

Like I'm obsessed with gift giving. I don't think anyone could deny that. Like that is something that I adore but I think it's also this flipped narrative of well what if I couldn't afford it I would then find a way to budget that I could afford it and thus forego one of my financial goals to prioritize yours and I don't think that's fair no so anyway we might wrap it there because we are quickly running out of time so guys that is all we have time for today have a very very happy Friday see you next week the advice shared on she's on the money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances she's on the money exists purely for educational purposes and

should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision if you do choose to buy a financial product read the pds tmd and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN 321 649 27708 AFSL 451 289.