She's On The Money - Discovering Deception & Moving On!

Episode Date: September 17, 2023

Today's inspirational Money Diarist has ridden quite the rollercoaster! After getting through 6 years of financial coercion in a relationship, she's managed to recover both a 65k car debt, and also a 40k personal loan. She has 2 kids with her new husband, but this relationship has recently broken down. She also left her full time salary to start her own business in Dec 2021. How does she manage it all? Listen in to find out! Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money.

She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's On The Money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another one of our money diaries, where we get to talk to one of our incredible She's On The Money community members all about their money story. Let's jump straight into it because this week I got a message and it went like this. Hi, Victoria. My story is a rollercoaster. I'm one of getting through six years of financial coercion in a relationship. I've recovered a $65,000 car debt and a $40,000 personal loan, both in my name due to my ex. I have two kids with my new husband, but this relationship

has recently broken down. I left my full-time salary to start a business in December 2021 to support kids, which was tricky timing, but I'm now on my way back. What a journey it has been. Marnie Durris, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to learn more about you. Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh. I feel like there's just so many questions I have, but we'll dive in with the first question I always ask, which is, Money Diarist, what grade would you give your money habits from an A through to an F if I asked you to give them a grade? I would say a C right in the middle because there has been so much change and I feel like I haven't quite gotten my decks

in a row yet, but I feel like I'm on the way to it. I love this. Let's learn a little bit more about it. Let's take it all the way back. Money Diarist, can you tell me a little bit more about your money story. Cool. So my ex and I were engaged. We were in a relationship from 2013 to 2019 and long story short, yeah, lots of financial coercion and just compulsive lying about money. And I always had this uneasy feeling like, why is money always a conversation? Where is the money going like from what he's telling me to what I'm actually seeing it doesn't add up and we were working in the sporting fitness industry and we set up a business within a business and for that we needed to buy new equipment and we wanted to go on a holiday so for some reason

I was like yeah we'll take out a personal loan of forty thousand dollars in my name that's fine because you can't get approved for one because within the last I think it was like a five or seven year period he had claimed bankruptcy from another business which yes that's a red flag that I didn't take notice of. But that's okay because when you're in love and you trust someone you immediately go no let's make this happen. Totally I was like this is my forever person I will support you, whatever. Exactly. $40,000 personal loan. And he also needed a new car, but again, couldn't get a loan because yada, yada. So we were like, yep, we want to start a family. Let's get like a four wheel drive, a SUV thing. And so, yeah, I can totally take out a $65,000 car loan in my name

and run it through my business. So yeah, he was paying the repayments, but I would often get calls and emails and text messages saying your repayment's late, your repayment's late. And I'd be like, just pay it on time. It's not that hard. And that just became a bit of an issue and all these red flags from the start. So that's my number one thing is maybe just don't take out over $100,000 worth of loans in your name for someone else? Yeah, look, it's really challenging though, because I can see how it would have happened. And I think a lot of people might jump to the conclusion of, oh, that's so silly. I can't believe you do that. Don't do it. And I mean, even you right now, you're like, don't do that. But in the moment, you're like, well,

this is my person. I love my person. We've got this life we're building together. There's some stuff in his past. That's so fine. We're going to get through it, you know, to move forward and actually create the life we want. These are the decisions that we're making. And obviously they weren't great but I'm sure you know what there are probably some people in our community who have done exactly that and their partners paid off the loans early and everything was sunshine and roses and I'm assuming that's what you thought it would be because when you've got those blinkers on you just don't see what you don't see and even though red flags exist you sometimes just go that's all right like I know some other people might think this is a red flag but I know this person

deeply because they're my partner right like we're engaged so he's going to be here for the long haul Yes. In the start of those types of relationships, it's all about confusing the person with words and beautiful gestures and stuff so that when red flags do pop up, the person holds on to the hope of, oh no, but their actual behavior is, you know, loving and grand gestures and all that sort of stuff that the red flags just get overtaken because essentially you're just confused. Exactly. And they did that on purpose. So tell me a bit more, you took out these loans, obviously repayments started being late. What did that then lead to? So once we separated and I moved interstate, the personal loan, so the $40,000 loan, was down to about $25,000. So still a fair amount on it. And I, in that timeframe, had also bought myself a car, but ran it through my dad's business because I already had a car through my name, which was my partner's car. And he offered to pay off that loan as well,

which was only a hundred dollars a week. So when we separated, the agreeance was that he would continue to pay off the personal loan. I paid $8,000 into that loan, which was equivalent to the repayments that he had been doing for my car. So that brought it down to about $15,000. We set up this agreement in writing that he would continue to pay the loan. It wouldn't have stood up in court, but I don't think he was smart enough to know that it wouldn't. So he thought it was a legal document. I knew it wasn't quite, but it was something in writing. So he would keep the repayments coming. Fast forward a couple of years and I had my new partner and I'd fallen pregnant and I still had this stress of this personal loan. And so I think by that time it was down to

about $7,000. And I asked my dad and I said, I don't want this loan to be a debt. Can I borrow $7,000 so I can pay that off and my ex will continue to pay the repayments and if he doesn't for whatever reason I will cop that on the chin and I will just repay you that $7,000. So that meant I had no debts to my name which was more important to me than the actual value of the money. I just wanted that person out of my life. Especially when you're planning a family and you're going to have a baby you're like this is not where I need to be even if it costs me more I don't need this dress. Exactly. So that was fine. And eventually it did get paid off when I was pregnant with my second child. So that was really nice to actually not have to fall into like

a debt for a debt. So that finally got paid off. And with the car really in hindsight, because it was technically mine, however, I was interstate, I really should have kept the car and sold it and just paid off that debt but I couldn't really access the car to get it and there's no way he would have handed it over and I didn't want to have to get you know police and lawyers involved so for me to get that loan transferred into his name through one of the big four banks took months of paperwork back and forwards but he eventually got the car in his name and the loan in his name so it was his problem and again just not tied to me anyway. That's so stressful though to have to go through was he really I guess defiant during that not wanting to take it on? Yes it got to a

point where I think the amount of money was like 10 grand that was floating around and I said to him why don't you just borrow the money off your parents and pay them back like interest-free loan be paid off quicker you know them like really ten thousand dollars isn't that much money and it later came out I had a conversation with his family and he'd already taken a lot of their money and they didn't have any super left no of course they wouldn't give him another 10 grand yeah so they physically couldn't and then all these lies started coming out from people that he'd asked to invest in these fake businesses that had lost money and there were stories of him collecting money from friends of friends for someone's birthday present which was at two

thousand dollars and then trying to run off with that money so all of these really fraudulent theft stories started to come out about all this money stuff oh that is so ick oh it's such a problem for this person and how have they not been reported to the police so what's happening there so it hasn't been reported to the police is he just still out there coercing people into giving them their money for these fake investments or how is he being held accountable I literally have no idea I think in the fine print of these investments if you're an investor you kind of sign a thing to say hey like if the business doesn't work out like yeah you could lose all your money I had a couple of them call me and say like what do I do and I said just get a paper from

your lawyer that says you're not going to be on a payment plan it might take a little bit longer but at least you get some or all of your money back. And he won't know that it's not going to stand in court because he can't afford a proper lawyer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He's still out there doing it. Oh my gosh. So I don't know. That makes me feel sick. I cannot stand stories like that, where it's just these people that take advantage of you and then just run off with it. I mean, karma does have a way of coming around, but my gosh, is that something that you carried into your next relationship, maybe some anxieties or like some hangups or you weren't willing to share money in another relationship? Like how did that impact the relationship with your now husband that

you're separating with? Yes. So I never had joint bank accounts with my ex-ex and I never have in a relationship. It's just something that I've never done because I've never seen the point in it you're just really moving money across to somewhere for no reason so in that sense of things there wasn't really a conversation about it because neither of us said to one another hey let's do a joint bank account my husband knew what was happening with the repayments and stuff so we were very open about the money situation but there was never a conversation of him to go oh well let's do a joint bank account anyway so I think always having that independence of having my own money has just stuck with me and I think it will stay with me forever and I know plenty of

long-term partners that still don't have joint bank accounts and I think that's really normal because you know if we think of this is going to be really like negative but if we think of marriages like a business it's the same stats you know like 40% succeed so why would you start shifting money around really there's no point if you're paying rent or mortgage repayments or bills you just split the money yeah no that's fair and I know that like obviously lots of people have different ways of managing it and there's actually no right way but it makes me so happy to know that your money wasn't as intertwined with this person as it could have been like I feel like that put you in a much better position than what you came out as like

it's just yeah it gives me so much anxiety that this person is out there taking advantage of other people and what would have you done if he actually had access to all of your funds exactly because all this money was disappearing and I didn't know where it was going but then later found out like there was a substance abuse problem happening right in front of my face so oh no not only that but then you've got money shifting out to god knows where to fuel that addiction as well how How did you figure all of that out? Was there like a turning point in the relationship where all of a sudden you realized, oh my gosh, this is definitely happening? Or did somebody else bring it to your attention? Like, how does this come up? Somebody else brought it to my attention

because they had seen the transactions happen. They'd been, you know, messaged for it, you know, looking for it and then when that light bulb clicked I went this is where all that cash is going him saying that he lost an envelope of cash from a client it fell out of his pocket these people coming over to our apartment but not coming upstairs just staying downstairs and having a bit of a chat oh my gosh yeah him saying he was tired and you know just so many obvious things you know going to the bathroom lots and having this vague look on his face but I just didn't think anything of it well if you're not a substance abuser and you never have been it might be something that you go ah I don't I really hadn't thought about that and I also thought like

in his honesty of the way he communicated with me I was sort of like why wouldn't you just tell me like I don't want to do it but just tell me if you're going to go out or whatever that doesn't bother me. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That is heartbreaking to work all of that out and have to go through that. I want to know now, I guess you've come through all of that. You mentioned before, you know, you're currently in the midst of a relationship breakdown, but you also started a business in December, 2021. Talk to me about what you do now for work and how much money you bring in. So I am an infant and toddler sleep consultant. So I work with children up to five years old. Previous to that, I was working in a school full time. And then with my first pregnancy,

that was a COVID baby. And we were in and out of lockdowns and sport just shut down. And I just thought, oh my gosh, I need something that will always be able to be around. So I started that business. And then when I had my second baby, I didn't go back to my full-time job. And that full-time job was bringing in $76,875. So it wasn't amazing money. And I'd been asking for a pay rise. And then I started my business, which was great because I didn't get maternity leave from my employer as well as Centrelink. I just got the Centrelink payments. So it really helped me through my second maternity leave. And then when I went to return to full-time work the way that was handled was not ideal and they'd re-advertise my job with a very substantial

over ten thousand dollar pay drop no and I just couldn't afford going back and I just thought well let's just make my business viable by this stage it was about eight months up and running and so it has its second birthday on the first of December this year oh exciting yeah it's really exciting. And so last financial year, let's take into account that I had a four-month-old baby at the start of the financial year last year. It brought in $38,500. Oh my gosh, how good. Yeah. And that's only working part-time as well. So really it wasn't like full-time. So I think that's pretty good. I think that's epic, especially for like the first couple of years of business.

and then you drop in oh by the way I also had one child and a four-month-old baby like that's killing it I was really proud of that and now that the kids are older and they're in care I'm able to dedicate more time and effort into the business I'm just about to do a rebrand all of this stuff which is really going to freshen it up and I'm so much clearer with it next financial year I'm hoping to crack 50, but we'll just have to see how that goes. And yeah, also like managing, yeah, separation and working out, you know, being a single parent and what that sort of looks like in terms of income and expenses. You know, I'm still waiting on child support arrangements to come into place that can take a few months. So I don't quite know what that looks like

at this present time. I'm still yet to receive any money from my ex-husband for the kids, So, yeah, things are a little bit tight, but we are getting there, which is great. And to be a little bit pervy, because obviously this is something that does happen in our community is relationship breakdown. Was this amicable or is this something where you're going to have to argue a fair bit for child support? Like, what does that actually look like, do you think, for you? So it wasn't amicable, but it was explicitly talked about before I left.

So I'll just be honest. it was because of domestic abuse so I'm so sorry I'm in a much more supportive and safer environment now with regards to the kids the request from the other party is 50 50 but when you look at family law and what's actually more beneficial for the kids especially because they're so young like my kids are three years and almost one and a half yeah they need to be spending more time with the primary carer because of their age and then as they get older and your child support gets reviewed every six months, you can start to request more overnight stays with the other parties. So at the moment, we're still waiting for mediation, but I'm requesting that I have them 11 out of 14

nights, and then we'll just look to improve, which is kind of motivating for the other party as well to go, you know, if I do really well for six months and I prove that, you know, I can have the kids in that capacity, that's got the next step for him to ask for an extra night or two, which is great. Obviously, I do not know nearly enough about your circumstance, but given you mentioned that the reason for the relationship breakdown was domestic abuse, I just feel like he's lucky that it's not you asking for 100% of that because that is a very real outcome that could happen. And to be honest, I feel like if that's the circumstance, the courts would probably agree with you. Yes, exactly. Because family law, they went through a phase of having 50-50 and then

they realised that it wasn't in the best interest of the children. So they went back to the primary carer having the majority. Yeah, no, it makes absolute sense. I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. It would just be such a shitty period, but I'm glad that you're in a better position and you're, you know, building it up. You've obviously got so much to look forward to, like you've got goals in your business and I think you're killing it. Like I'm so excited to see where you go. The next question I've got is what's your big money goal at the moment? What are you currently working towards? Is it that $50,000 goal in your business or are there other ones you want to talk to me about? Totally. So one of my goals for this year was to buy a new car

because I've simply outgrown my small little car and I pick up my brand new wheels. I actually pick them up tomorrow morning. So the car's a bit more symbolic now I feel. So with that car, I'll be trading in my old car. So the loan will be $34,000 and I'm going to pay it off over four years with no balloon payment, and it's going to be about $203 a week. When that four years is up, I would like to also have a bit of a house deposit ready to go so that I don't have any current debt. I can just go, here's my deposit, buy a house, hopefully, see what the market is doing. I'm in a really fortunate situation at the moment where there's no rush for me to move out of where I'm living, but that would be my big kind of future goal. That's so exciting. I feel like that's a

lot of clarity for someone going through arguably a pretty tumultuous time. New car, saving for a house deposit. Is there anything else you're currently working towards? I would say after the Christmas busy season this year, I would like to have $5,000 sitting in my savings account to kick me off for next year. Cause you know, as all small business owners know, January, February is a bit of a quiet time. So that's sort of my short-term goal coming into the next sort of six to eight months. I'm loving this. I can already see, Money Diarist, that you and I are going to have a little disagreement at the end of this episode, given you think you're a C, but we can get to that a little bit later. Let's go to a really quick break and we will come right

back. All right, Money Diarist, we are back. I feel like you are killing it more than you're giving yourself credit for. I want to know, do you have any investments? If so, what are they? If not, do you have plans for them? Yeah. So in my super, I have $63,500. When I was going through uni back in the day for four years, I was a bit naughty and didn't pay into my own super as I was a sole trader. But as soon as uni finished, I was back into that. So I pay about 10% a month straight into my super. So even though you own your own business and it's only just started, you're already paying yourself super? Yes. I love this so much. Because I want to be able to retire and live a great life. My other investments,

so in my savings currently, I have $3,500. I also have a micro investment account through Raise. I use that for my holidays. So at the moment there is $720 in there. I also invest $5 a week for each of my kids so that when they're 18, they're going to have about $13,000 each. And at the moment they've got $375 sitting in their accounts. I have recently gotten into Shopback and that's going to be my Christmas account with my Flybuys dollars. So if that gives me a few hundred dollars that's going to be great at the moment I've got twenty dollars in there from little things big things grow I want to know a little bit more about investing for kids you mentioned that you're investing five dollars each per week for them can you tell me what you're

investing into and how you made that decision so my sister used to work for a bank and I asked her about setting up you know like a term deposit for the kids and she said because of all the interest rate you know variability and you get taxed on the interest and stuff like that she said it's actually probably smarter doing the micro investing because yeah there'll be a little bit of fluctuation but she said it's just a lot easier and you'll probably get better returns if you do that at that kind of small rate it's not like i'm putting tens of thousands of dollars away yeah i'm literally talking about ten dollars a week and yeah it's been going quite well like the market returns have been small. It's a very conservative portfolio. But yes, you can visibly

see it. If you wanted to take money out of it, you can easily if there was an emergency, you don't get penalized. The maintenance fee every month is really small. So overall, yeah, I found that to be really, really helpful. I love being pervy and being like, but how? Because I know that every other parent that's listening to this is like, oh my gosh, I've been meaning to invest for the kids. How are other people doing it? Where do I start? I feel like it can be so overwhelming. the next question I've got for you my friend I don't know do you have any debts if so what are they I have never had a credit card in my life and I would love to be one of those people that gets a credit card uses all the points and then refreshes the credit card every two years but at

the moment I do not have the mental capacity for that so the only debt I'm about to go into is the car debt of $34,000 which is fine and apart from that I'm debt free oh how good and I feel like the car debt that you're going into is a very calculated decision. Like the way you were explaining it to me, how clear you are that there's no balloon on this loan. Don't worry, it's $203 a week. Like this makes sense for me, my financial situation. I feel like that's what I want to hear when people are talking about taking on personal debt to get themselves further. Because obviously your current car is not serving you and you did need a bigger option, but not everyone has $34,000 sitting around. So I think it's a bit naive if I was sitting here being like,

don't get car loans. That's so silly. Like this obviously works really well for you and it's well thought out and you're making the best decision for you, right? Right. And you can have it as a total tax write-off. So the petrol, you know, the repayments is completely run under my business. So it makes sense for me. Yeah, absolutely. All right. I want to know next, because I feel like you've probably picked up a few good habits in your years. Let me know what your best money habit it is? So I've been using an expenses spreadsheet for probably 12 years and I track everything on it. So all my income, all my expenses, then at the end of every financial year, I just shoot that off to my accountant and he does his magic. So I'm very aware of where all my money's going.

I make sure that my tax is always up to date because it helps balance anything that you're doing, you know, with childcare subsidy and stuff like that. And as well, if you're doing like a pay-as-you-go system with your business, or if it's just a lump sum at the end, you want to be really clear and up to date with that. So you don't get into any big tax debts. I always try to recycle clothes and goods. So I'm very thrifty on Facebook marketplace of donating and selling my stuff because you know what 10 bucks is 10 bucks it all adds up and when I do buy things I'm doing it through either my micro investing app or my shop back app so at least I'm getting a kicker and I rarely buy my meals and my coffee I will probably buy a coffee once maybe twice a

week and I generally will go out for dinner maybe once a week once a fortnight so I'm very very savvy on that front as well. Oh, I love that. I feel like that is really thought out and planned. Let's bring it down though. Surely you have a habit that you're maybe not so proud of. What do you think is your worst money habit? So I've actually never written a budget for myself, even though I have this beautiful spreadsheet that tells me all my ins and outs. I've never sat down and gone, right, how much do I have to spend on all these areas? I think because my income's always been variable. So it's kind of hard to gauge that. But I think because I'm so conscious about money and know where it's going, I don't know, it just kind of levels that

out. But yeah, never written a budget. Whoops. I can help you with that. That's okay. I will organize that for you after we finish recording. So if I know that I'm coming into a big payment, I'll like spend that money before it hits my account. So at the moment, like I'm waiting on a $6,000 contract payout, which is coming on the 31st of this month. And I've already spent like $4,000 of it. So when it actually comes in, it's not going to be as exciting. That's probably my other really bad habit too. What have you spent the four grand on already? Are these things that you actually needed or are you just going, YOLO, there's money coming in? So when I moved into this house, there was a double bed and I physically don't fit in one. So I upgraded to a queen bed.

So that was $1,300. I just spent almost $1,000 on new clothes because during this process, I've lost a lot of weight. So none of my clothes fit me. And I feel like I just needed a bit of a snazz up after everything that's happened. And I spent another $1,500 on my graphic designer as well. So she got paid too, but that's also going to benefit my business. So that's kind of. that's a business cost though yes yeah those are definitely separate but I feel like all of those things are very valid sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do my friend I want to reflect on the start of this episode you've gone through so much and shared so much with us which I'm so grateful for but it sounds like you're really on top of it like you're good at managing

money you are clear about your goals do you think a C still fits you after this conversation if so why? And if not, what would you change it to? I would say maybe upgrade to a B. I feel like there are still avenues that I could probably explore to make my income more efficient and more supportive. But yes, after speaking everything through and looking at how hyper organized I am. I'm like, you're doing well. You're doing well. And you have to be when you've got two kids like you have to just be so organized otherwise the wheels will fall off real quick if you're not hey oh yeah so yes all my online shopping would be out of control if I didn't have this sort of awareness of where my money was going I love that I'm glad that you upgraded

yourself because after hearing all of this I'm like I don't know if that fits and as I said before we went to a break I was like I think we're gonna have a disagreement but we don't disagree I agree with a B. I think that a B is very reflective of where you're at. I think that you've still got a few things to go in terms of just even mentally sorting through it and feeling really empowered, but I really like how clear your goals are and what you're working towards. Please stay in contact though. I really want to know how your business goes and what that comes up to. I need to know about that financial year goal of 50 grand. Like I'm just so invested in this. I love it. But unfortunately, that is all we have time for today. So money dosed. Thank you so much for

sharing so much time with us and so much of yourself with us. It has been an absolute privilege. Anytime. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. The advice shared on She's on the Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN 321 649 27708 AFSL 451 289.

Thank you.