She's On The Money - Drowning in Debt and Stuck in Her Marriage... Here's How She Finally Left

Episode Date: May 11, 2025

What happens when love fades but the debt remains?  This weeks money diarist found herself caught between what her heart knew and what her bank account wouldn’t allow. With her finances tangled and the exit door feeling impossibly far away, she stayed longer than she wanted — not because she didn’t want to leave, but because she didn’t know how she could afford to. This is a story about quiet resilience and the slow work of reclaiming your independence.  Content Warning:This episode discusses themes of emotional abuse, financial control and threatened suicide. 1800RESPECT is available 24/7 for confidential support at 1800 737 732 or 1800respect.org.au. or In an emergeny or if you are feeling unsafe always call 000.  If you’re feeling trapped by debt or financial hardship, you can contact the National Debt Helpline at 1800 007 007 or visit ndh.org.au for free, confidential advice. Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money. She's on the money.

hello and welcome to she's on the money the podcast that lets you be pervy about other people's money habits for educational purposes of course welcome back to another one of our money diaries. And I have to give you a little quick apology for my voice today because it is a little bit raspy, but I never want to cancel on a money diarist. So we're here with bells on and a croaky voice like we are channeling Phoebe from Friends today. And I am hoping that you'll stick with me. But as you guys know, money diaries are one of my favorite episodes of the week. I feel so internally grateful that I get to share people's money stories with our community before Before I get into reading out this week's email, I just wanted to issue a little bit

of a content warning. In this episode, we are going to be talking about financial and emotional abuse, and that topic does involve threatened suicide. And this week, I got an email and it went like this. Dear She's On The Money, I'm reaching out after listening to your recent podcast episode about the community member concerned she can't leave her marriage because of financial circumstances. Having been in the same situation, I want to be able to share my story in the hopes that it might help others in the community. At 23, I was in tens of thousands of dollars of debt while being the emotional and financial support for my husband. Now at 28, I have a wonderful loving partner, a solid share portfolio, and I've just bought a

house. Money diarist, I'm so excited about this, but like more excited because you reached out after hearing that someone in our community was struggling with something and you were like, girl, sit down like let me take the wheel I've done this before let me share my story so that you can learn from isn't that beautiful I'll stop my heart but it's true like that's why you reached out is it not yeah definitely honestly I was driving and I was like I pulled up at the shop and I was like I have to send them a message because it just broke my heart knowing exactly how that feels and it's not like a unique experience unfortunately and I was like hopefully if I can help one woman, I would absolutely love to.

And I'm so glad that we're getting you on the show because we had so many people replied about Instagram stories about that as well. And we're just like, oh my goodness, this was me 20 years ago. This was me five years ago, or this was me. But like the best part about it is these women were all like, by the way, I'm thriving, like let them know. And I think that's my favorite part. When I get to go through our Instagram DMs and screenshot all of your positive messages and send them to our, you know, anonymous question asker and be like, hey, just so you know, like the community is not just like backing you, but like they see you and they get it. And, you know, you can reach out to any of these people, but like, I'm not going to spoil the anonymous nature

that's on you. Anyway, I just, I feel so special that you were like, hey, let me share my whole story. I'll come on the pod. Like that is elite. So money dice, let's dive straight in. I want to know, I ask all of my money diarists the same question at the start of every episode. If I asked you to give your money habits a grade from A through to F, what would you grade yourself? I'm going to give myself an A. I think I've kind of got it down pat. Yeah. I love this. Well, can you tell me a bit more about your money story now? Yes. I would say growing up, money was talked about a little bit, not too much. Both my parents worked for the government and government jobs. So not like high income earners. And I have what

feels like 101 siblings so they definitely had some like financial strain at that point in time I know they tried really hard to educate us on money as best as they could so you know as soon as getting like a first job we had to pay board and then they would do things like a certain portion of that would go to like donations to charity that kind of thing and then the best most heartwarming part I think of all of it was that my parents never ever told us that they saved it all for us and then when we were older they would give it back to us they're the best honestly so good. What honeys. So tell me a little bit more about your money story. So obviously had a relatively positive money upbringing, but then you're becoming an adult. What does that look like?

Yeah. So unfortunately for me, I guess some of the trauma started before I was an adult, which is a bit concerning. So first of all, good things being that I started my first job when I was 14 and nine months, got in there, was saving, had some good money habits already. Again, didn't understand the concept of tax and I had a manager or an employer who liked to pay people cash in hand. And at the time I didn't realize, you know, the implications of that, not having super being paid, that kind of thing. Then when I was 17, I met a man who was 25 and he had worked in a shop near where I worked and he was interested in me and we ended up starting dating, which obviously very decent age gap there you would have thought that was so fancy at 17 you would have been like

this man is mature I was talking to my partner about this last night and I said I just remember being like oh my gosh it's so cool like he's so grown up wow I love that and he thinks I'm mature yeah and he's got money he's got a job like this is so cool which obviously like not cool now now as a grown-ass woman I can be like that feels a bit wrong yeah I remember being like when I was 25 and being like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that this man was interested in a 17 year old. You're like, this feels like a red flag now. How strange. Oh gosh, so many red flags. It's not even funny. But look, so I started to see this guy, met him and like, it wasn't even, I think I only ever had like two people ever say anything about the age gap. And they were people

that were in my year at school that I weren't friends with. So obviously I was like, oh, they're just jealous or they're just whatever. And so I didn't think like anything of it. No one ever said anything about it to me. Like not even your family or like your parents or anyone? No. And that's the thing is I think that maybe at one point they tried to express concern as best as they could, but it wasn't necessarily the best. Oh, you're 17. You're not listening. Yeah. I remember once asking her saying, you know, why didn't you stop me? And this was at the point when I'd already been married. And she was like, even if I tried, like you were such a determined woman, I don't think you would have listened to me. And I think it would have made

you run faster towards it. I mean, smart woman, because she knows you. Yeah. Yeah, she does. She does. Better than anyone, I would say. Yeah. So basically at 16, 17, I got my first car and I had my first thousand dollars for it that I'd saved up through work. And then my parents had loaned me the remaining, I think it was $4,000. I want to say $3,000 or $4,000. So I started paying that off. And then I started going out with this guy. And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, he's got it all together. He knows what he's doing with his money, blah, blah, blah. We went out on our first date. And I remember being like, oh my gosh, I can order anything on the menu. This is so crazy. And I think the bill came to something like $150.

But that feels crazy. Yeah. Honestly, it felt like so much money. And he just paid the bill and it was no problem. them I was like amazing and then later I actually found out at that exact point in time it was like the last $150 in his bank account and he was thinking he wasn't actually going to be able to afford the bill so he 100% love bombed me like now I can see that for sure within two weeks of like you know going out it was like I love you like genuinely in under two weeks said that he loved me and then by like the third or fourth week he had this mental snap and he just went from being, you know, seemingly like functional and had his life together to very mentally

unwell, you know, not coping with life, very like depressed and down, anxious, which now I can sit and say, like, he was always like that. And how much of that was calculated, I wouldn't be able to say for sure. So then throughout that year, I was in year 12, I was dating him throughout that year. And I think that was the first thing that kind of put my money off a bit. And I can't, obviously I can't blame all of that on him, but I think that I was trying to like keep up with him and what he was doing. So I was spending a lot of money. I keep in mind, I think at that point in time, earning something like $15 an hour at the cafe, like it's not big money.

Yeah. But that's everything that you have. And keeping up with a full-time adult lifestyle when you're a child, who's just earning essentially pocket money is a big ask. Yeah. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Then fast forward after that, I guess I went through high school. I started university and I, at this point, so just before starting uni actually, so I guess the end of that year, I was 18 and it was a month after my 18th birthday and I was going to get a credit card. It was a $1,000 credit card and it was just for fun spending, like nothing important at all. And I very, very quickly maxed it out. That's what I learned about like, you know how you can, what's it called? Overdraft. And I remember going into Coles and

it was like $2 over and it went through and I was like, oh my gosh, I can do this. I was like, I can take like more money. And then I remember trying again and then it being rejected. And I was like, oh, and I don't have any money left in my bank account. So there was that. He had a car loan. And when I was 18, so very soon after that, we decided, I say we, that it was a really good idea to consolidate. Oh, perfect. Yeah. So great. You know what, from his perspective, that's genius. What a man. I honestly, again, talking to my partner last night, we were talking about how dangerous the manipulation was. And it was so much like it was all the time. And I wonder like, I think from memory, that was my idea to go, well, how about, you know, we do this, we join it. I'll

help. You're stressed about that. But it's like, how much of that was premeditated or was it, you know, he knew, he knew what he was doing when he said, yes, he absolutely knew what he was doing, but whether or not it was planned out beforehand, like it's just crazy. But even if it wasn't planned out beforehand, like, let's say that you're just like the nicest person in the entire world and he hadn't dropped any bombs and you could literally just say that he was struggling. And I feel like in a lot of relationships, like you just want the best for your partner at the time, right? Cause like, I'm sure you were head over heels in love. You were like, oh my goodness, this is stressing you. Let me help. At that point,

he's meant to be the mature one that says, nah, like this is my thing to deal with. You're a child that has just come out of, you know, school. Don't, don't worry about that. Like, you know, maybe if we were married or something, we could have these conversations because it's like way down the line. But like, why are you essentially taking on your boyfriend's debt? One, it could have been kindness, but like he took your kindness for weakness and took advantage of it. And like, it doesn't matter whose idea it was. He took it and ran with it. Yeah, I know. And it's so terrible when honestly, when reflecting on all of his stuff this week, I couldn't, it was so hard to track down all the different things and to try and properly

timeline it because it has been quite a while, but it's crazy just to reflect on all the things that happened. Yeah. So took on his debt and then shortly after decided it was a great idea to join finances, which worked out really, really well. Were you living together at this point or were you joining finances and you're not even living together? No, we didn't live together at this point. But you had joint finances. Yes. Wild, but okay.

I know. I mean, each to their own, but like there does not seem to be any benefit for both people in this relationship right now. No, not at all. Not at all. So yeah, that was a bit of fun. Took on a debt, joint finances, and then I started uni. So with uni, I was doing like full-time hours of work while doing full-time study.

and then throughout this time like his mental health was constantly fluctuating as it did throughout our whole relationship and we ended up getting engaged so within at the end of my first year of uni to do that we took on more debt so I can't actually remember a hundred percent how much we took on at this point in time but we consolidated what was already there we then took on at least the $7,000 that paid for my engagement ring. And then there was like a few other little bits of money. I can't remember what it was for, but there was a little bit. So at that point it was at least 17 grand. I think it was closer to 19 at that point. Then I end up starting at a different university. I've changed degrees and there was lots of commuting. There was car

problems and then living together again can hardly afford anything really because I'm a uni student I changed degrees and it gets to the end of my first year of my new degree and I didn't have enough money to afford to renew my rego so I sold my car ended up using a combination of my money and I think some of the loan to then buy two new cars because you know he couldn't afford to keep his car so we sold his as well got two new cars that had constant issues were absolute trash and required so much more money to go into them to kind of repair and keep them going. After that, we ended up getting married. So the following year, we got married. Now, after the wedding, I think I was so fatigued from all of that planning. So I basically said to

him, hey, can you take over doing some of this money management stuff? Because I can't do it. I'm so tired. I've got too much with uni. And he said, yeah, sure. And then it kind of turned out that he wasn't actually managing our money. He was just kind of like watching it leave our bank account. But I remember I became apparent when I was at uni that our finances were really, really bad. And I'd always said no to Centrelink. And I finally was like, no, I'm going to do it. And it was just my own bias that had held me back in the first place about it. But that then meant that I got student startup loans at the start. I believe it's the start of the semester when you get them, not the start of the year. I had a look at the balance yesterday and that ended up being

$2,273 for that debt. And I've got audited and they were like, okay, so you should have been reporting your partner's income. And I was like, oh, but I reached out to you. And I had said that the website wasn't letting me track his income. And they were like, oh yeah, no, no, that was a website error on our part. You should have been tracking his income. And they were like, you've got to pay back everything that we have given you because you don't qualify because we were married. So obviously I looked at our income as combined and they ended up letting me do $40 a fortnight was what I ended up paying. And that was like scraping the bottom of the barrel. So yeah, there was paying all of that back. I remember first wanting to leave him three months after

our wedding. It was the first time I was like, holy shit, I have made a terrible mistake. And I think it just got to this point after our wedding, when I was hanging out with two male friends of mine. One was gay, one's not. And he got really, really jealous and really insecure about the friend who was straight and was just like, this man is a threat to me. And he did like a whole lot of horrible things and manipulation and telling my family lies about me and saying I was cheating on him and that kind of thing. And really trying to isolate me from my family, trying to get them on his side and not be on my side. Cause I, you know, I was the terrible person who did the bad thing. It was at that point that I was like, I can't do this anymore. And I

remember reaching out to my parents and being like, I can't do this. I need to come and stay with you. And I think this is the one thing that I know that they would have felt terrible about it now. It's something I've touched on with my mum since then. But at the time they had said like, no, this is something that you two need to sort out between yourselves. I tried reaching out for help and I was like, I can't do this. And it wasn't there. And I had no one else to turn to. and I remember looking at my finances going, I am in so much debt and I have no way to pay it off and I can't afford to do this on my own. So, after that point, it was like setting constant goals. So, it was like, you know, I'll wait till the end of the lease or I'll wait till the end of

semester and I was setting these constant goals for myself to be like, I will break up with him at this point. But at that point in time, I think that was the first time I realized I have no money and I'm stuck here and I can't get out of this without him. That's so stressful and like it makes my heart break that you're like trying to set goals into the future to be like okay I can leave here and like I'm sure there are the people listening going oh my god that's me right now or that was me and like it sucks so much because you knew what you wanted but knew you couldn't have it yet because like your safety was compromised or you know you weren't sure how you'd be financially stable. And I just, I just never want women to be in that position. Like,

I want everyone to be in a position where money dice, if you were like, I'm out, I would have been like, yes, queen. You're like, well, I already packed my bags and I'm gone. Like, I just want people to have the ability to leave any situation they don't want to be in. And I just know that that's, it's not the reality, is it? No, it's not at all. And I think I agree with you so much. Like, I don't ever want anybody to be stuck in a situation like that ever. Cause it was horrible it was a terrible situation that he was really not a nice man right he was so good that I remember my sister being like to me you know like it's okay you just need to like apologize for what you've done and you know just acknowledge it you guys can like you can move on from there

blah blah blah absolutely not and it actually wasn't until I'm gonna say a year after that that one of my sisters reached out to me and was like I am so sorry I've had people talking about my personal life and interfering with my life and I realized that maybe what you were saying to me was true. And I'm so sorry, I didn't believe you. But I think to, yeah, just to have a bit of support and have someone in your corner to go, actually, I see you. So did this man know that you wanted to leave? Like, were you having these arguments that were like, I want to leave or whatever? Or was it just like a, you're in the background, quietly building a plan to get out of this situation, but you just didn't share that with him yet? With the first big blow up. So I had

suggested at one point I said, okay, well, look, if you're basically going to control all of the affection, would you consider an open relationship? And he had said flat out, no, I don't want you doing that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I think that was one conversation I tried to have because I was like, I want to be with you, but you know, there's this whole part of our relationship that's lacking. To be honest with you, I don't think he knew that I wanted to leave until with that big fight and like a lot of those big fights with that whole situation, that few weeks at that point was the first time I packed a bag. He got really, really aggressive. He had one of his more aggressive outbursts and he'd smashed up a whole part of our house, thrown a whole bunch of my

stuff out, was really, really threatening. Oh my God. I think it was that time was the first time I'd ever physically felt really unsafe with him. And I think that was kind of what triggered me to say, okay, I'm done. And I packed a bag and I was like, I'm going. And I think I wasn't home, I'm going to say for two nights until he had been like, just come home, just come home, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I'd end up going back. So I think that's the only time he knew. Quite typical that after that, any time that I was, you know, wanted to leave or had conversations about it. It was instantly threatening suicide and self-harm. And then talking about, look what you've done to my

mental health, which was the constant cycle of our entire relationship. And that's heavy. Like that is not fair. And for anyone listening, that is not your responsibility. And I know that that sounds dramatic and it feels like it is your responsibility in that moment. If somebody threatens suicide in your relationship, take them seriously and call an ambulance. Like seriously if anyone is going to threaten that be like okay cool thank you for sharing that with me I am going to do everything I can to support you because in these situations people can sometimes use it as they did for you money diarist as a manipulation tactic because I can almost guarantee that that was never their intention because they thought that would scare you not force you into

action. When he was doing things like threatening suicide were you taking that seriously or did you kind of think oh this is him being manipulative or like how were you seeing it in that moment especially being so young yeah no I I believed him one of the first times that it really happened you know we took him up to hospital went and got him like a mental health assessment and then you know tried to get some things in place and then as it went on he was unwell and I do think there are times that he was a genuine threat to himself but again I say that and it's also that was always timed very well when I was doing something well, something in my life was going well, and that was often when this would happen. So whether or not that was pure manipulation or if

it was, you know, he genuinely was like that and, you know, very jealous or couldn't cope with somebody else having any kind of life success, like, I don't know. Towards the end, it was much more, I guess, clinical. Whereas earlier on, it was just absolute fear that the person I loved was going to die. Yeah, absolutely. And like that, unfortunately, was the intention. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what he was trying to do to keep you around. And it's so sad. And I don't want people thinking that, you know, Victoria doesn't take that seriously. I absolutely do. But I've also deeply studied narcissists and that's what they do. Like they want you in a position where you don't feel like you can leave because they're suddenly feeling like you're losing control or

they're losing control of the circumstance. And to gain back control, they need to gain back power over you. And to gain that power, they threaten their lives. And it's so messed up because mental health is something that we need to take so seriously. But I think that a lot of the time, they don't think you're going to take this seriously. They think you're going to be scared and not do anything and go, oh my God, please don't do that. I love you. It's all good. Don't worry. But the reality is the way we need to be responding to that in an ideal world is doing exactly what you were doing towards the end. Right. Get in the car. We're going to hospital. and I think too like the one big thing as well is like it's not your fault their mental health and

their behavior especially in like in cases like this it's not actually on you like it's on them it's their behavior at the end of the day like it wasn't my fault for doing well in uni or in life you know to make him feel that way it's not on me and I think that took a long time to actually accept so talk to me you got through all of this you still hadn't left how did you ultimately end up leaving? So I finished my degree. I moved to the city and he didn't get a job. So I applied for every job. I remember coming home one day after training for my job and I sat down and I applied for him for every single job on every job platform that you can think of and sat there with him. I literally helped redo his resume, got everything up to date and basically sat there

and was like, is this something you're interested in? And went through and applied for absolutely everything. He said maybe two. After that, he got a job and then started his training. And I think at this point in time, so this was, we had been married for two and a bit years at this point in time. It kind of got to this point where I started to notice, obviously, I'm earning post-degree money, so it's a bit more money. And I was just seeing how much of it was kind of going to him. At this point in time, I found like another financial planner, Australian financial planner who's, you know, used to be really, they still are, I'm pretty sure, all over like YouTube and stuff at the time. Is that Canna? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I love Canna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was

like, oh, YouTube, YouTube that time. Canna. Yeah. Yeah. And honestly, I learned so much from her about the importance of, you know, having an emergency fund and, you know, having this extra money and getting yourself out of debt. It really set a good foundation for me. And that kind of opened my eyes to what my financial situation was. Because keep in mind, at this point in time, I think we're well over $30,000 in debt at that point in time. Yeah. You would have felt so stuck, like so stuck. Oh my gosh. It was terrible. It was so bad. And I remember him being so angry at me because I said, look, this is how much money we can work with to have fun money each. And I remember him being so angry and being like, what do you mean? That's no money to spend on

blah, blah, blah. There's this, there's that. There's all this stuff I want to do, but that's no money. And I remember being like, we don't have any more money. Like this is stretching it as thin as we can. Yeah, exactly. Where is that coming from? We're in debt. Yeah. So much debt. And look, so I was in my first year of working. I was doing well. I started my first full-time job and I think he really, really struggled with that. He just couldn't accept it. And I started to see more and more like fights were even more constant. That manipulation and lack of affection again was still so apparent. It was every day. I remember writing in my calendar an X for every day that we didn't have an argument. No. There were some months with like no days. And

I was like being like, oh, well, if it gets better, then we'll try and work on it. Or if it stays like this, then I'll leave. So again, constant goal setting. It got to this point where I was like, I was taking on a lot of that financial responsibility. And I was like, I actually want some of this money that I have earned for myself. Yeah, of course. And like you deserve that, but you probably were being talked out of the fact that you did. Cause remember, we should be sharing money did start a business I was a PT and I remember saying something about what I now know is a binding financial agreement so what I now know is a BFA I had literally been like oh if my business starts to kind of take off I want to kind of put this into place and I

remember him blowing up at me because we're married and I should you know be in touch with that and it's not like you know we're going to break up and it was so over the top oh no we are we are absolutely going to break up oh honey the reason you're being defensive is you're so worried I'm going to break up with you because I'm now successful and you're not going to be able to get a part of that because anyone with their right mind on that genuinely doesn't relieve they're going to break up they're like yeah I'll sign your dumb BFA we don't need it but sure like no one else cares yeah exactly if I said that to my partner right now he'd be like cool let's get it done that's literally what my husband did when I was like hey cool so we're gonna you know move in

together and I have a business he was like yeah all right whatever where do you want me to sign I remember being like, green flag. Yeah, it is so hot. I was like, this is actually very sexy. So you're saying you don't even care that much about the binding financial agreement because you just don't think we're going to need it. That is very hot. It is right. Yeah. Like the things we find sexy now we're a little bit older. We're like, oh yeah, that's so you unload the dishwasher without being asked. Wild. Yeah, it is. It's crazy, isn't it? I'd never got the BFA into place, but then we did eventually like split finances and as soon as we split finances I was able to save and I started putting aside more and more money and I started to build up my emergency fund

which was great and also at this point in time we decided to consolidate our debt because there was a lot of it and I mean that's not a terrible idea in the grand scheme of things like because you probably were dropping your interest rate and like just getting everything in order right yes and honestly if I hadn't been listening to Canna I wouldn't have ever known how high my interest rate was. It was ridiculous. I wouldn't be able to tell you what it is now because keep in mind, we'd already consolidated. I think it was once or twice at this point in time. So we had two loans, I want to say, because then I remember looking at it going, oh my gosh, we can get something like a 9% interest rate with ING or an 8% with ING. But they only did at the

time single person loans. Yeah. So I had to go into one person's name and it was yours, wasn't it? Yeah, sure was. Tell me what happened once it was all in your name. so all in my name so I had to pay things off it was going well I was able to put aside more money I was getting a lot more educated which was great and that was when I was like I can't do this shit anymore and I was like I'm done and so I ended up having the conversation I said cool let's end this it was a process and it ended up being one that we double backed on I said okay fine let's try it again that happened twice within this say three month period and it got to this one point I said no okay I was like we're done this isn't good for either of us and then we broke up so we lived

together for a few weeks before finding our own places it was uncomfortable it was awkward of course it was oh yeah it's so rough like it was just it's not nice and I think at this point this was when it was really easy that when he you know again threatened self-harm and I remember just like being like cool I'd finished work for the day and I was like great just got home and I said cool get in the car we're going straight to the hospital and again took him straight up to the hospital went there sat and then waited him to be seen assessed got a plan in place and then back home for it all the whole cycle to play out again but that was all right I think it was just that you know getting it done and just being like I'm not tolerating anymore like this just needs to

happen because I think at that point I finally had this money and I could finally see that there was an end goal and I could get out of this. There was a lot. Yeah there was there was and look it shouldn't have taken so long but I was like 23 and I was like I can get out of this. 100% and this is what frustrates me so much and like I'm glad that your situation wasn't you know as dire as some women's, but like people who say, why didn't you leave earlier? Like get in the actual bin. How, how was I meant to leave earlier? And even if I could have left earlier, it's like, you know how you said before, you know, we tried it a few times before we did it. Like we didn't get married with the intention of getting a divorce. Like there's always that like small

little thread of hope that maybe we could fix this. Like I did fall in love with this person for a reason I do genuinely in my heart of hearts I wanted this to work out and I think that you have that little glimmer of optimism especially when you're not a narcissist you're like oh like you know I believe in the best in people and I really think that they could get through this but on the flip side they're like I reckon I could manipulate her again like it's just the most cooked situation literally and they're very well versed at it and I think yeah you are when people say, you know, why didn't they leave sooner? Or, you know, he did that once, you know, surely he's going to do it again. Like, you don't know that at the time. And you've always got this

constant hope that, you know, oh, he's going to get better. It's just his mental health. Like, he's going to be okay. We're going to be okay. And no, like, like I'm going to be okay. Now I'm like, I'm going to be okay. But at the time I was in his trap. And I think that's what happens to so many people. And unfortunately, like women in particular. Yeah, exactly. All right. Let's go to a really quick break. All right, we are back and you're doing this, you're living together. It's not very comfortable. What happens next? So moving out and he doesn't have any money. So I lent him, I think it was like a thousand dollars, something like that. Thousand fifteen hundred, something like that. So he's got that money. And then, you know,

I help him move, whatever. And then my life starts going on a really nice, good, positive trajectory. As it should. Yes, as it should. I didn't know how bad it all was still at this point in time. I hadn't really seen all the light. And so we were still talking, still friendly. I finished, I qualified for work and I moved out regional. And at one point he came out to visit. And I remember when he did this trip, he was also doing like a big trip around the state and he asked to borrow more money. And I lent him again, I'm going to say it was about a grand again. So I lent him money that time. But this is kind of, I guess, where for me, my financial story starts to go on the up, which is when I moved to the country. I've obviously got this one loan and I had said to

him, look, I'm going to keep paying it. You keep paying me the money, I'll keep paying the loan. And so he did. So that was okay. And it got to a point where I was earning really good money because in my job, I was getting really good penalty rates and I was on call. So within three months of being regional, and at this point, that was, I'm going to say six months after I left him, I had paid off the debt. So, at this point, it had been able to be narrowed down. It had been 17 or something, 17 or 18,000 when we first got the loan. And then at this point, there was 10 left. And literally, I saved up the 10 grand and I was like, I'm just chucking it on the loan. I was like, I don't want this loan anymore. And I just saved up the 10 grand and I chucked it on the

loan and then it was gone. And I said to him, look, if you want to just keep paying me, I'm going to pay off the loan. Are you happy with that? He said, yep, cool. That's fine. I said, there's no need to pay interest. Just keep paying me what you owe me. At this point, I still owed my parents money. So after I paid off that loan, I paid off the Centrelink loan. So I had, again, all the repayments I had to pay back. And then the startup loan, because I had paid the repayments initially and I left the startup loan for a few months. And then I was like, why do I have this? I was like, I don't need this. Yeah, I've got to get rid of it. It doesn't feel good. Yeah. It doesn't at all. And I got rid of it. And then I paid my mom and

dad back. And it was the last thing I had to pay back was my mum and dad. That would have felt so good. Oh, the weight off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again. And again, he still owed me that money, but he was paying it regularly, which was good. Fast forward, I come back to the city, I'm working in the city, have to cop Sydney rental prices, which is just heartbreaking to anyone. And he was still paying me money, which was good. And then go to about two years ago. And because again he still owed me a bit more money and I still at that point still still still yeah yeah years later and he was just paying like a small amount every week when he got paid and I actually remember at one point calling him and it was during COVID and I remember calling him to be like

I was gonna say hey like do you think we can increase how much you're paying me and he actually was like hey I wanted to talk to you as well I'm glad we're talking I was actually gonna ask you if we could decrease how much I'm paying you blah blah blah so I ended up saying yes oh you are just a very kind human but look yeah so no I end up saying yeah cool whatever anyways a few months later he calls me says hey I can go back to paying you the amount that I was before I was like great but I remember saying look actually my partner and I are looking at buying a house and he goes oh must be nice and just winched and winched at me I was like so I am working in health care in COVID you take a seat all right you take a damn seat I was like not having it sit down just you

know what, sit in the back. Right. So he's still paying back. So that manipulation didn't stop. Even when I'm in a new relationship, it was text messages, threatening suicide, contacting my family. At one point sent a suicide note to my family. As if like I had blocked his details. So he sent it to one. So inconsiderate, my dad with PTSD sent it to him and then sent it to my sister who had like, you know, young child, a lot on her plate. Absolutely not. How dare you? Did you call an ambulance? Cause that's exactly what I would have done? My dad did. So I was asleep. I finished night shift and I woke up to this message and I called him and he ended up saying, look, I'm okay. I've called an ambulance and I've gone to hospital.

And it wasn't until a few days later when I spoke to my family and it turned out that he had messaged my dad, he'd messaged my sister and they were together at the time my parents were visiting her. Oh, I'm glad that they were though, because that could have been incredibly isolating. Oh, so horrible. My dad ended up calling police and said, I need you to go do a welfare a check on this address? A hundred percent. That's exactly what you should have done. So again, lying again, it wasn't him who called an ambulance. It was my dad that he didn't tell me he had sent a message to as well. It didn't end there. It still kept happening and he's still an eternal victim. Close to a year after that situation, I just opened a bank account one day

and at this point there's like two grand left on the ING loan that he owed me. And there was the say two, two and a half thousand that I had lent him just afterwards. And it was just in my account. So I called him and I was like, Hey, what's the go? I was like, thank you so much. Just, you know, like, thanks for moving that money over. And he goes, yeah, you're welcome. And I was like, oh, so are you? And he goes, what do you mean? And I said, well, I would say thank you if I lent someone money and, you know, I've been paying it back. And he goes, you didn't lend me money, rah, rah, rah. And I remember him screaming at the phone. Sorry, what? I know he lost it. And I just remember sitting there and I was like, I don't need to hear this. And I just remember

sitting there with the phone, like held away from my face, hearing him scream. And I was like, this isn't my life anymore and I'm so grateful and I just sat there and I was like okay all right well all the best I'm gonna go I hung up the phone and I sent a message to all my sisters and I said hey if he contacts you or if he wants to spend time with you don't tell me about it I don't want to know he's not a nice man he is not a good person and I suggest you don't spend time with him I'm not going to tell you not to but I don't think he's someone that should be around your families or your children. You're a better person than me. I would have been like, do not talk to this person. Like I would have cut them. Nope. Nope. You're a better human than I'll ever be.

No, don't say that. Not at all. I didn't ever want to put anyone in a position where they felt controlled or felt like they were obliged to do something. But I was like, I don't want this man in my life. I said, don't tell me if he contacts you, don't tell him anything about me. And I blocked him on everything except for his phone number. So that was that. After that, at that point, one of my best friends was like, oh my gosh, you need to get that money back, blah, blah, blah. and then my other one was like, girl, I don't think you're seeing it. And I was like, I don't care. At that point, it's like two and a half grand. Yep. Just wipe that off. I'm done. I don't want that. And again, now I can look at it and go, I'm never getting that money back from him,

but I don't really care. Like the peace of mind I have now is so much more important. Yeah. A hundred percent. So look, that was the big foundational trauma side of my money story. That is heavy and hard. And I'm so grateful that you took the time to share it, but what on earth like but now you're out the other side right like you've come out the other side you mentioned a few times like you're working in health care tell me what are you wearing what is your job now yes okay so I am a paramedic and paramedic manager me the whole time call a paramedic call a paramedic and you're like yeah that's me babe no it's me it's me hey hey queen it's me no literally I remember one of those days when I finished work and I had taken a patient to

that hospital at the end of the day I went home and I took him straight back to the nurse that I'd handed over my patient to. And she was like, ah, and it's just that, like, you know, even in the city, even in the city, it happens, you know, like you see those same people in your personal life that you see in your work life. And it's just, you know, not just a small town thing. Yeah. A hundred percent. That would have been jarring for both of you, I think. Yeah. I think the good thing at that point, like we were done at that point. So it was kind of, I could be a little bit separate and be like, this is my friend, not this is my husband, which was good. No, that is so good.

So my base rate is $115,000. I rely heavily on penalties. I was about to say, please tell me you get a lot of penalties because like $115,000, like good salary, but not enough for what you do. No, it's a big win. It's gone up in the last couple of years, but I think it doesn't equate to what we do, but that's okay. I'm not ungrateful. I am really happy and a massive benefit being that we get lots of really good penalties with that. So unfortunately, it's very rare that we actually get our breaks, but we do get paid a penalty for every break that we miss. We also get paid overtime. So the second that you go into overtime, like you're one minute in,

you get paid overtime. So last year with penalties, I earned $131,000. At the moment, I am on track to earn $159,000. Oh my God. That means you're doing so much extra work. Yes, I am. I also have stepped into a new role in the last year, which does pay a lot more. The base rate for that one off the top of my head is $123,000. So I am earning more at the moment than what I normally do. Again, with that as well, we still earn the same penalty. So if you miss a meal, if you finish late, if you get a call out, that kind of thing, you do get penalties as well. I think this is so important, but how are you as a paramedic looking after yourself in these situations? Because as you said, you worked through COVID and now we're learning you're a paramedic.

like that would have been a lot. But then also you're not just dealing with, you know, Johnny fell off the trampoline every single time. You're dealing with so much mental health. You're dealing with, you know, arguably so much trauma. How are you looking after yourself? So this is a sustainable career. Like it's a lot. It really is. And COVID was a lot and it was horrible. And I saw a lot of wonderful paramedics burn out so fast. And I have friends of mine that have been in the job. Like they left after less than two years because it broke them. So I've always been very passionate about taking care of my mental health. My dad was a firefighter and he had PTSD. And so he was a really, really good role model for me. So I, luckily my workplace pays for psychology,

which is great. They supply psychologists, but I do also, I have a private psychologist. So I see her regularly. She's lovely. She's a gem. And that's just for that maintenance. And And honestly, anyone who's ever like, there's so much stigma still, which just breaks my heart. But it's like, just go talk to someone. It's the best thing. They can give you such a good perspective. They can help you through so much. So psychology, I exercise regularly. I try to eat as best as I can and just catching up with friends and actually taking that time to debrief and take care of myself. We're doing those recharging things, spend time with people I love, do things that I enjoy. No, I love that. I love that. And it sounds like you're

in a new relationship from the way that you're talking. Talk to me about what life looks like right now. And do you have any big money goals that you're working towards? Oh, yes. Life's good. Hey, like life is so good. It sounds it now. Yeah, honestly. So I have been with my lovely partner and I have been together. We got together when I was separated. So in Australia, obviously you have to be 12 months separated to then get divorced. I'm going to say it was eight months, eight months after separating was when my partner and I got together. And we have now been together

for almost five years now. He's the best person, genuinely the best person. He's so great. And yeah, so it was a big money goal. So he and I just bought our first apartment together. Oh, congrats. That's so exciting. Thank you. Through Zella Money, actually. Are you actually one of my clients? Yeah, genuinely. Yeah. Oh, I love this. And I'm so disappointed I didn't know that earlier. well look you can't really keep track of every single client like I feel like that's a lot for

one gal I feel like it feels so nasty like people are gonna listen and go how did Victoria not know that you were a client like that's so bad like thankfully a lot of things don't reach me unless there's an issue and if there's an issue I know but like I have six full-time mortgage brokers with like literally over the years thousands of clients I wish I knew them all personally but I just, I don't get that privilege. So I'm hoping that the team has looked after you in the best possible way that I've taught them. And that's a positive Zella money story. Oh, it is. They were so lovely. I'm so proud of them. And the idea that you got to settle on your first home, that is so exciting. Oh, it's so good. And honestly, we had this guy that a few years ago,

my partner and I were looking at buying. We saw this guy, he was great, whatever. It came to this time round and we were like asking him questions to see him. And he was very much at start was like, great, let's get you into this home. Cause it's been a very long journey to get to here. he was then like it got to this point where we were asking he was trying to figure out we both own good money we both had deposits do we buy a property separately each do we both buy investments do we buy one live-in do we buy one investment do we do them together what do we do when i was asking him questions i asked about turn this was the last straw i said look uh what would our interest rate be looking like if we did one owner occupied one investment property together and he

goes depends on how many times you change your mind this week excuse me i was ropeable i would have just been like, okay, cool. No worries. Bye. Hey, you know what? I'm not going to lie. I'm really glad that happened because I wouldn't have got you as a client if he had maintained his relationship properly. I know. And I literally, I'm like, he is not going to get this ongoing commission for 30 years. He is not going to get this, you know, first payment. I was like, how dare he? And because I literally said to him, I said, look, we would like to work with you, but we want someone who is aligned to our goals and can support us. I understand you do this every day. For us, this is the first time purchasing property. If you don't think you can help us

with this, then please tell me. And then he just sent through what he thought the interest rate would be. Didn't acknowledge anything I said. And I was like, nah, goodbye. Absolutely not. You should never feel like that with a financial broker at all. Like at the end of the day, like I know one thing for sure. And that's my girls will go above and beyond for our clients. Like you change your mind every single day. Like that's fine. That's fine. We'll map it out. Like we want you to be so secure with the financial decision you're making. You've literally never taken on more debt in your life. Like this is one of the biggest, if not the biggest financial decision you'll ever make. And it is a privilege that we get to hold your hand through that

process. You're allowed to change your mind a million times over. Like you want me to map it out. You want to know what $750, $800, $825, $600. I don't care what it looks like. I will give you a scenario and map it out so that you go, I feel so confident. I'm so ready. Like that's what we want to hear. Yeah. And honestly, I literally, I said to her when we had our first appointment, I said, look, we've just had a really bad experience. And I said, I just want to clarify, this is our goal. This is what we're thinking. We've talked it through with the accountant. This is where we're at. Is this something you can help us with? And she was like, yes, absolutely. And I was like, okay. I was like, we kind of want to, you know, we're working towards

investments, blah, blah, blah. Cause our goal is ultimately, we want a house. Obviously Sydney's not very attainable for a house, which is why we're starting with an affordable mortgage for us. And we're going to buy an investment property. And so talking about that, and I was like, okay, what can we do? And she was like, cool, we can do regular valuations. How about I do six monthly check-ins. We'll do this, this, this. She was so lovely and I just felt so instantly at ease and just so good. Honestly, she was so, so kind. I am glad. I am very proud of my team. So talk to me. Now you've got a mortgage. How much is that? Yes. All righty. So our mortgage is $526,774 at the moment. Exciting. And how much did you purchase for? $660,000. Oh, how good's that? So

you had a pretty good deposit? Yeah. So our deposit, pretty sizable. We've done quite well. So we both had our deposits we'd saved up. And then my partner's parents, when his grandparents all unfortunately passed away, his family came into quite a bit of money. And so his mum and dad made the decision that each of the children would get $100,000 to go towards their first home. Isn't that so nice? Like that they got to be part of like your, like, and I know that people, you know often are like oh inheritance but like how nice that that got to go towards you creating a home they would be so proud they're such lovely people and it was like I used to be like that I used to be so jaded about it and because I you know I had a hexter and I I worked

for things and so I was raised that you had to work for those things I used to be really jaded about it if anybody got money and then I was like no I guess that's what parents can do like if you're lucky enough fortunate enough to work hard and to be able to do that for your kids like that's such a wonderful gift you can give them. And his mom and dad are such great people. So honestly, so amazing. So we both had a decent deposit, had that then combination from his parents. And now we also now have, so there's 134,000 of our deposit is still there. We actually had enough for the 10% on two properties. Is it in your offset? Yes, of course. Yeah. I was about to say,

Jack would have set you up properly so that all of this is working very nicely. Yes, she did. So look, we've got that. The rest of our deposit is sitting in an offset account. We are pre-approved for our investment loan. And it's just at the moment, to be honest, we're doing renos and it is so stressful. So it's a matter of just like, once we've kind of got this done, then we're going to get the investment property sorted. But at the moment it's sitting there offsetting our personal mortgage, which is great. How exciting. I feel like you've got all your financial stuff sorted. Tell me, are you investing in any other way or are you like, no, we've saved all this money. We're going to go all in on property at the moment.

No, absolutely. So I have got just over $52,000 in shares at the moment. What? Like you are so set up. I'm obsessed. Thank you. Tell me about your super. In terms of super, I have $97,000 at the moment. Oh, nice. I feel like you are very well set up. Like you are on the right path. Yeah, we're getting there. It's been good. Making progress. I want to go back to like 17 year old you and be like, okay, cool. So do you know how it ends up?

Like, and this isn't even going to be the end. Like this is going to be lit and you'll just be, oh, how cool would that have been? Yeah, honestly, I, 17 year old me would one think I'm so cool and two would be so proud of me. She would be. I was very fortunate in the last couple of years. So I mentioned to you before, like we were going to buy previously, it was just before COVID and I'm so glad we didn't. We were an auction. We were so close to having this massive max out mortgage just during COVID. So glad we didn't do it because in that time with that money, I paid off my HECS debt completely, which was from a, what? One year of one degree, a whole degree. And at that point in time, half of a master's. Paid off that. I then

bought myself a car and a dealer demo, of course. I was responsible. Saved a fair bit of money by doing that and just, yeah, saved so much money. And if we hadn't had gone through what we did with our property journey previously. There is no way. We have been on one to two international holidays every year since kind of COVID lockdowns lifted, as well as small holidays as well. I no longer have a hex debt. I, you know, have excellent savings. I now have this great share portfolio. I'm obsessed. And do you know what? At the time when you lost at that auction, I'm sure you were heartbroken because that's all you ever thought you wanted. Oh yeah. I actually drove past that address this morning on my way home from work.

and I was like I'm so glad we didn't get that I'm so glad we didn't I feel like it's such a good lesson in that like sometimes when you don't get things it's because they were meant to pass you by like and I think that that's such a nice way of like being able to reflect and be like nope like if it's not working for me right now that's because it's not meant to like this maybe a lesson or maybe there's something better coming and I think that so many times especially like with the story that you've shared like there were times where you're like I'm never getting out of this or like I don't even know how to leave but like you did it now like the sun is not just shining but the grass is greener where you're standing like isn't that like the best thing ever

yeah it honestly it is so good I'm so happy and secure and it feels really really good I adore it all right I've got two more questions because I know we quickly running out of time let me know what do you think your best money habit is I'm gonna say automation love honestly I set up everything really early so everything is planned for so each pay I allocate for the year so whether it's bills, either they're monthly or annual, my groceries, my spending money, my saving money, my holiday money, everything is allocated as a fortnightly automation. Love. And then what do you think your worst money habit is? Although I don't know someone who rates themselves an A has any. At the moment, I have been tracking a little bit

less than I normally would just because we've been renovating. It's been a bit hectic. So ordinarily, a girlfriend and I, we catch up at the start of every month and we go over how we've done the four weeks before. That is so wholesome. I'm obsessed. where can I find a friend like that for me? It's so good. And also, side note, so proud of her. She also signed contract on her first place yesterday as well. I'm obsessed. 18 months ago, I tried getting her to listen to your podcast 18 months ago and she was like, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to look at money. It's too stressful, blah, blah, blah. And now. Now she's getting her a house. I'm obsessed. How good is it? And you know what? I get that. Money can be

overwhelming. The amount of times people say, oh, like I know of your podcast, but I'm just, I'm not ready. Like girl, you do it when you're ready. But like, it's so relatable to just feel overwhelmed when it comes to money. And I'm pretty sure if I went back to money diarist, as in you, back when you were like 22, 23, you were in tens of thousands of dollars of debt. You were emotionally and financially supporting your husband who was not a nice human being. Like, I can't imagine you would have been like, yeah, great. Money podcast. That's exactly what I need. like you would have been telling me to get in the bin. And I totally get that. But I think it's so powerful. And sometimes you can only see those things in hindsight.

Yeah, definitely. I'm glad now that I can see it. But at the time, I couldn't. I literally could see none of it. So it really is like hindsight. Of course. All right, Money Diarist, it has been so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am literally obsessed. But last question, you said that you were an A. What's it going to take to get you to an A plus? Look, I want more money through dividends, I think. I think that's kind of a current goal. And once my partner and I can kind of get an investment property sorted, I'm really keen to get that underway so that we can kind of work towards...

The big family home. Yeah. Getting our, like, you know, our big house, which will be good. I'm so obsessed that I get to be on that journey with you. Like, that is literally so special because like my favorite clients are the ones where, you know, you come back and we're working out what equity you have and what we can do and how we can invest but then also how we can take you to the next level like i feel like the great australian dream of like buying your first home as your family home it just doesn't exist but like there's still a pathway and like it's just so exciting when we get to be on that journey with you the advice shared on she's on the money

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