She's On The Money - MONEY DIARIES: From Getting Drained to Absolutely Dominating!

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

Wait till you hear this one! This week's gorgeous Money Diarist came to the realisation after 7 years of marriage that her husband was more like a dependent, than a partner. She had supported his study, paid for their living expenses and even their home. But with two very young girls, she was worried that she wouldn't manage to make ends meet if she left him. Well, she did and now she is dominating her finances, has savings for her daughters future and is absolutely thriving!  Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kurni, Wolperi and Awadjuri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjuri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money.

She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another one of our money diaries where we get to talk to one of our incredible She's on the Money community members all about their journey. Let's jump straight into it because this week I got a message and it went like this. Dear Victoria, I became a single mum six months ago after finally getting the courage to leave my ex. He was financially abusive and draining my money for the six years we were together. but now I'm recovering and flourishing. I finally feel like myself again and have savings,

investments, and I'm even putting money away for my daughters who are one and two years old to help them with their studies when they finish school. She's on the money really helped me on this journey. Money diarist, what a queen. Thank you. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited to talk to you and get to know you a little bit better as I'm sure all our listeners are as well. Do you want to jump straight into it? That sounds good. And I'm so stoked to be here because finding She's On The Money has absolutely changed the trajectory of my life. Oh my gosh. So it's just so surreal that like I'm talking to you. I love it. I'm so excited about it. All right. So let's jump in. My first question is, I want to know, what would you give your money habits if

I asked you to give yourself a grade from A through to F? I think probably a B minus, maybe be plus because I think I'm doing pretty well given my circumstances right now but I think there's always room to improve and to grow love love all right I want to know can you tell us a little bit more about your money story yeah so I got married when I was 23 and at that stage I already owned my own home. I had a little bit of savings and my husband at the time had no savings, no career. He was a student living in college accommodation. So I paid for our wedding, honeymoon, first car. I moved to Sydney to support him in his studies. I was working two jobs at times to support our lifestyle and he had you know a few hours a week at McDonald's

so pretty much I was just pouring all my money and savings into into my marriage in retrospect moving to Sydney was the worst idea it is so incredibly expensive I still had my mortgage back home as well playing you know outrageous Sydney rent and that kind of continued for the next few years, I realized, you know, growing up in the church, like we'd never lived together before we got married. We'd never really talked about finances. And in the first few months of our marriage, I realized, oh my goodness, we spend money very, very differently. It wasn't something we'd really discussed before. So not only had I just put all my money into the wedding and Sydney life, but I was still sort of funding his lifestyle. Yeah. Wow. So that had to change

pretty quickly and yeah that just continued for the next few years we moved back home eventually it was a bit more affordable and we wanted to start a family he was still studying at this point and I was working full-time so over seven years things never really changed he was always studying I was always the main breadwinner in our relationship and so then when I started my maternity leave it was just really challenging because all of a sudden you know I wasn't making the same as before and we had to rely more on his income and then just after I had my second I think I realized just how toxic and bad the marriage had become I think it was probably always there but I was a bit you know rogues colored glasses

in love and I just realized how drained and exhausted I was and I realized okay I need to make a very serious decision right now and it took me a few months I really thought about it From all angles, am I making the right decision for me? Am I making the right decision for the girls? And the biggest thing that held me back for so long was finances because I was still, even though I had mostly been the main breadwinner, I was still on maternity leave so I didn't have my full pay and I was so, so worried about how am I going to cover the mortgage

and pay for the girls. And I thought, you know what, like my mental health can't suffer any longer, like I just have to do it and make it work. And so I did and I am thriving. Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. I love that. And I love that you can say, I'm thriving. Like that is the best thing to hear ever because you can hear the energy and where that's coming

from as well. It's not just, oh yeah, I'm doing well. Like you're just so excited to be in the position you're in and it makes me so happy. Thank you. It was, there was probably a few months where it was really tricky and I, you know, just had to find my feet. but now yeah as I said I'm thriving I don't think I realized just how much of my money he was draining and when I was so worried about you know doing it by myself like it's actually been

easier because I just have to worry about me and the girls I'm not funding somebody else's lifestyle exactly oh my gosh when you said before just because I'm really pervy that your husband at the time was studying throughout your entire marriage was it always towards the same thing or was it only because I've heard this historically that people sometimes bounce around because they don't want to go into a full-time job if they have a financially dependent person or someone that they can be financially dependent upon. So they keep going, nah, the lifestyle's good. Maybe I'll just do another degree or maybe I'll just, you know, change degrees and they don't have a lot of clarity. So I guess I'm asking not because I'm just pervy, but because that seems to be a

strategy, if that makes sense. It is so interesting you said that. So I've been seeing a therapist just to work through, you know, all this marriage and unpack a lot of the things that went down. And she said, you know, he is a textbook narcissist. And she said, you know, like, I'm really not surprised that he's kind of just coasted through his study journey. She said, like, that is a very typical narcissistic behavior. You're funding him. He has no real motivation to finish, to change what he's doing. And that absolutely rings true. The first three and a half years he was studying at Hillsong and then when we got back home he decided he wanted to do teaching wait he was studying at Hillsong as in the church Hillsong yes at the church they've

got a college that's attached to the church yep cool and then he switched to teaching when we got home then he studied teaching then what did he do he's still studying teaching he's still studying I think he's almost halfway along like it's just yeah it was you know I'll just do one subject a semester but oh it's so funny like when we split up you know he's never done a summer semester in his life and he said to me I'm doing you know a couple of summer subjects this semester because I really need to finish so that I can have a full-time job you're like wow where's that motivation coming from I know why couldn't you have had that motivation years ago it's because he's being forced to have the motivation because he's no longer got you to financially rely on

Exactly. Oh my gosh. All right. I want to know, obviously you've managed to fund somebody else's life for this entire period. What do you do for work? How much money do you earn? So I'm a primary school teacher. I actually had to look this up because I wasn't sure what I earned. I've just finished my maternity leave two weeks ago. So I haven't quite jumped back into work yet because school's only just started. But in my position, it's $94,000 gross. Yeah, that's good. That's epic. So I'm not going back to my full-time work. I've decided I'm just going to do some relief work and relief in Queensland, I think it's about $440 a day.

That's actually pretty good. That's more than I'd anticipated it to be. But how consistent is relief work? At the moment, I would say very, there's definitely a teacher shortage in Queensland. So I was even getting calls on my maternity leave, like, hey, can you come in? And you were like, no, I'm literally on maternity leave. Sorry. That's not too bad. And if you can do relief work for $440 a day, that's not bad at all.

Does that mean that you have to travel significantly, though, to different locations? No, I'm in a great position where we are. I've got so many schools within walking distance. And then, you know, the school's five, ten minute drive. I'm in a really good place location wise. I think the furthest I would have to drive if I was desperate would maybe be 20 minutes. Live in the teaching dream, my friend. Teaching dream.

I love that. I was doing a little bit of relief between having my two girls and I was walking distance to my school most days. Because as I said, there's just such a demand for relief teachers at the moment. Yeah, especially because I feel like people are actually putting their health first as well. So instead of just going to work not that well, they are more likely to take the day off, which I think is really, really important. And I'm glad there are resources like you to kind of fill in. What happens with childcare? So you've obviously got a one and a two-year-old. What happens if you get a relief job and it's obviously last minute because that's usually how they work? What do you do about childcare? Only because I know that can be

quite an expensive ordeal. Yeah, definitely. I tell schools that my availability is, and I give the two days a week that I know that I can organise childcare. So Fridays, my eldest has just started pre-kindy. So Fridays, obviously, and my mum has just retired. Oh, money win. I know, it's so good. She has the girls when I go to work, but I've limited it to two days a week and mum and I have a pre-arranged day so that it's not, you know, a huge surprise for her either. Oh, how good. And she doesn't, you know, have to change all the plans for her day. and oh she loves it so when I told her I was pregnant like I was four weeks pregnant she was like I have to retire oh my god calm down like I'm four weeks like she is so excited to be a

grandma like she she offered it was never like hey mom I need you to take the girls she's just like give me your children I love them yeah so even when I you know have been on maternity leave again she's like you know I'm still having the girls one day a week I love her everyone deserves a mum like that. That is literally the best. I know she's the best. I'm very, very, very lucky. Talk to me about your money goals. So you said before that you now have savings investments and you're putting money away for your daughters to help them with their studies when they finish school. But I want to know, what is your biggest money goal? What are you currently working towards? Oh, my biggest money goal at the moment is probably just setting up for my girls when

they're older. And I know this is so far away and it's just going to go so quickly. But the sooner you start, the less you have to invest on a regular basis and the more it compounds. Like it's just smart business, my friend. Definitely. That's what I think as well. So when I finished high school, I think I was quite unimaginative when picking a career. We have a little university here and I knew I could study teaching. I didn't have to move. I wouldn't have to, you know, find accommodation in a bigger city to study somewhere else. And so I just sort of fell into teaching and looking back I think like I wish I'd had the courage to move somewhere and you know try something like I'd love to you know maybe marine conservation or

just something a bit more creative than than teaching and so I thought okay well how do I stop that happening for my girls and I think a big thing is financially if they have the money to live out their dreams hopefully there's going to be nothing else holding them back if they want to move to Europe and study over there if they want to go anywhere else in Australia or anywhere in the world just making sure that they they can achieve that dream they don't have to wait for years saving to start university and they can be a bit more creative I guess than myself so that's really my drive behind that and it's something you know I'm so passionate about education I love that so I've just started putting I think it's at the moment I'm doing like $15 a week for them

um at the moment it's just going into a savings account because I haven't quite decided how I want to invest that I think something maybe like bonds or a blue chip share that's a little bit more a little bit more conservative I'm hearing conservative yeah but I like I don't want to rush into that so I'm just taking my time to explore what options are out there that could work really well for the girls I am obsessed with that idea of setting your kids up doing it young organizing it when they're really little so that it doesn't have to be significant. Like I think a lot of people assume it has to be a lot of money. And the other day I made this example on TikTok actually, and it was like, if you put $150 a month away for X amount of years for your kids,

this is what it would create. And so many people jumped down my neck and were like, well, not all of us have $150. And I was like, it's just an example. Like it's just an example that I've pulled out of nowhere to show you the power of compounding interest. And the same thing happens for $15 a week. It obviously doesn't happen on exactly the same scale, but it happens and compound interest is going to be your best friend over the long term. But the one thing that I think people forget is that income scales. So right now you've just gotten out of a relationship, you're a single mom, finding your feet again while you're thriving. I'm assuming that you are throwing everything you can at your financial life, but that doesn't mean that in a couple of

years it won't be $20 a week it won't be $25 a week and these things can change and grow and the same can happen in the opposite direction maybe you can afford $150 a week at the moment but maybe in a couple of years that's just uncomprehensible and that's not an option so I think it's about making the most with what you have and it sounds like you are absolutely doing that and it makes me so happy all right let's hold the horses right there and we're going to go to a really quick break and I'll see you on the other side all right money dyrus let's dive straight back in so in your letter you said i have investments talk to me about them what investments do you have yes so i discovered comsec when it first

came out do you mean comsec pocket yes yes that's on concept i was like when comsec came out i was that baby, you weren't born. Comset Puppet. I've aged really well. You are stunning for your age. Thank you. I just came across the sustainability shares and I was like, oh, cool. That's something I'm really interested in, something I value. And I absolutely think that that's our future. So I just put, I think like two, $300 in and I just sort of, you know, forgot about it. And then at the very start of my maternity, I can't remember if I just had the baby or I was just starting leave, my husband and I went and saw a financial advisor. And I think at this point in my life, I felt quite limited and restricted by what I could do with my money. Like I was on

half pay with maternity leave. My husband was still a student, but we thought we'll go see a financial advisor and see, you know, just if we're on the right track. And he kind of said to you know you're doing as much as you can come see me when you're both working full-time and I think I just sort of thought okay well a financial advisor's pretty much confirmed what I felt already I can't be doing anything more with my money not true I know well oh literally like a month later I was sitting in my car thinking like oh I just I wish I knew how to invest I just feel like I could be doing so much more with my money because if you have that mindset that like oh I I can't save, I can't do anything. I think I was more, more willing to just throw money at

different things. Like, oh, you know, here's a $15, you know, take out, here's $10 on some chocolate I probably don't need to eat. Here's a $50 dress. You know, just spending money on things that don't really count. And yeah, I was just sitting in my car thinking, ah, I wish I, like, I just wish I knew better how to handle my money. And literally on the radio, I heard an ad for She's on the Money. Oh, hi. And I was like, that's literally exactly what I'm looking for right now. And so I started listening to the podcast and then I found your book and that whole, you know, you're always talking about like, yes, you can, you know, just having that mindset of you can always be saving or there's that really great story of

the two different couples you worked with and how one of them, you know, I felt like I really identified with them like oh you know I could have financial freedom and a really great retirement so yeah just finding cheese on the money really shifted my perspective towards my money and so something we'd done right from the start of our marriage was have pocket money each week because when I realized my husband was spending far much more money than me I said right we're each going to get pocket money each week and we can spend our pocket money on anything without talking to the other person if we need to buy a bigger purchase like that's the conversation but this pocket money you can do anything with and as I said like with my pocket money it's just you know

take out here or some clothes there but then when I found she's on the money I started investing my pocket money every week oh I love this so much $40 a week but I thought you know that's gonna compound and the sooner I start putting that money aside the more it's going to be later so that was June I think I started putting my pocket money in and I've got about sixteen hundred dollars in shares at the moment oh my gosh that makes me so happy that you found us and that we get to hang out and that you get to be in a better financial position but also that you know that just because one financial advisor said no just come see me when you've got a double income like no that doesn't mean you can't achieve success like it's crazy to me to think that some people

just take that as gospel and they don't go and ask more questions they go all right well I guess that we're screwed like that's fine and it's not fine it's not okay no and I think like if I hadn't started putting that money into shares like that's sixteen hundred dollars that I would have just spent you know mindlessly on things that you know just are just so fleeting like as I said most of was probably food and not even like like like luxury food like not just my essential groceries like yeah eating out more than I should have and just having that mind shift as well from going you know oh I'm so limited I can't you know do what I want to I can't be saving to now well actually you know what look at what I've got look at what I can do it's just so empowering just

just having that positive attitude and yeah it's been such a game changer I feel like attitude is one of those things that you can control as well and it's one of those things that regardless of your circumstances you can choose to be more positive you can choose to do more research you can choose to put yourself in a better position and while I'm not saying that you know you can save or budget your way out of poverty you can't and that's not what we're saying here but I do think that a positive mindset that you are lucky and that you can do things and that you can create financial freedom is going to mean that that is going to come up more. I talk about it a lot on the podcast recently. What is it? The yellow Honda Jazz and how important it is to just be always

looking for something. And if you are on the lookout for something consistently, you'd be surprised about how often it turns up. And no one ever thinks about the yellow Honda Jazz as a very common car. But the second I say, well, start looking for them, my friend, they do pop up and the same thing happens. If you're looking for investment opportunities or opportunities to increase wealth or opportunities to just educate yourself more so that in the future you can save more. I think that that is really, really important. And it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. And I'm obsessed. Oh, so true. That Honda Jazz thing. So true. And since listening to that podcast like I've just really tried to think okay well how can I like focus on joy and

look for the joy in my life because obviously you know I said at the start I'm thriving but there are still definitely those really challenging days where it kind of sinks in oh my goodness I'm a single mom what am I doing everything's too much you know I'm sinking I'm drowning but then just giving myself that space to like okay well you know what it hasn't even been 12 months you're focusing on the negatives like let's shift the gear here focus on the positive things and a hundred percent and it honestly sounds like and this is probably a little bit snarky to say but we're going to say it anyway doesn't sound like you had a husband it sounds like you had another son that you were looking after and funding a life of so like you've gone from being a single

mum of three to a single mum of two and I think that might be easier so much easier so much easier You've mentioned before that you had a mortgage. I want to know, do you have any debts? If so, what are they? Yep. So my mortgage, I've got $267,000 left on that. And then I just have my hex. I've got $19,000 in my hex.

Oh my gosh, what a queen. And tell me about the property you own. So you've got $267,000 owing on it. What did you purchase it for? We borrowed $315,000 when we bought it. And so I actually bought it with my sister. we got a split loan and we each just took care of our separate loans and then at the start of the pandemic my husband and I bought my sister out of her half

so she's not on the title anymore and it's still just a little bit up in the air with what's happening with how we're splitting with my husband and I now I fixed at two percent you're a genius you are straight out genius best decision ever but it just makes a little bit tricky now because if we try and if i buy him out now refinance you end up on a really high interest rate and i lose that two percent he has actually been really gracious with this and he said you know look let's not rush it because you know having to go from two percent interest to five at the moment is going to be you know obviously quite financial so he said i'm happy to wait um so i think it's 2024 that that fixed term comes to an end so yeah he said he's happy to wait until then

which is really good but I've taken over the full mortgage now so he was really only on the title for two years hoping that you know all helps in my favor and I'm sure it will all work out especially if you're being amicable but I have a sinky suspicion one of you contributed a whole lot more financially to that house than the other hey that would be correct that would be correct I got all our group certificates from the time we were together and I contributed 70% of our income over the relationship so I said you know I think with our savings that we've got like I think I should get 70% and he's like oh no it's gonna be 50 50 why well he haven't even contributed 50 percent well because he needs to set up his new new life and fund his future and I said well

I'm not going to be the one doing that thank you very much yeah no that is absolutely fair done that for seven years it's your turn you're like I set up your entire life and mine and our girls lives I think that maybe you could be a little bit more independent thank you sir oh I feel like that's such a stressful position to be in but it sounds like you're handling it relatively well and positively, which is good. Talk to me next about your best money habits. What do you think the best money habit you have is? I think I'm quite organized with my finances. I didn't really grow up knowing how to budget. I was, you know, living quite comfortably when I was single as a teacher. I could pay for everything I needed to or I was able to save for a home. So I didn't

really need to budget and then when I got married and moved to Sydney all of a sudden money was very very tight and I just had to figure out very quickly how to make my money work and I got all my bank statements and I went through and highlighted the different sections of like where my money was going to so I have like my direct debits my mortgage rent food non-essentials and it was all color coordinated and then I worked out okay how much do I pay in all of these things over 12 months and I think I just went back over the last two three years and so I then set up different accounts for those color coordinated areas and I worked out okay so if my you know I had my rego rate all my utilities they were all in one section I said okay I pay x amount in 12

months so I need to be putting this much aside every week so that I'm covered for the whole year and so that's something I've been doing for the last maybe you know five years and like now being a single mum like my goodness that has paid off because I've got my entire year of kindy saved an entire year of swimming lessons are paid off how good I know like I need to put this much money aside for all of my bills and utilities and then like I don't even have to think about it when the time comes around because I know I'll put that money aside. So yeah, I think I'm quite organized. Like I know exactly where all my money's going. I've got all my little direct debit transfers set up so that I don't have to think about

think about any of it week to week. And you know, it just kind of takes care of itself. I am obsessed with that genuinely. Like I can't believe how organized you are, especially in the circumstances that you have gone through. Like that is wild and it makes me so so happy to flip that though I want to know what is your worst money habit oh I think I can be quite an emotional spender when I'm thinking of buying something it's not like oh do I need this it's like I am so sad right now I need to buy something to make myself feel better like even if I'm happy like I should go out and celebrate by buying a new dress or getting some gelato oh my gosh that's me sad I get a little treat happy oh I need a little treat like what

is wrong with me? Yes. At what point do you not get a little treat, Victoria? I think it's from like our years in the primary school system where it's like, oh, well done. Here's a sticker. Good job. Here's a sticker. You know, we've just been so conditioned our entire lives. I went to primary school. Yeah. I loved stickers. I used to get those scratch and sniff ones. Those were elite. Oh yes. You know, you're a good kid if you got a scratch and sniff. A hundred percent. But I think now that I'm aware of it I'm maybe not quite as bad because I can sort of stop and think oh wait a second I'm only buying this because of how I'm feeling right now oh my gosh and sometimes that works and sometimes it's like well I deserve it because I've had a really good day and that's why

we need to have some flexibility in our budget to make sure we allow for that because I'm the same like I'm not frugal all the time sometimes I do deserve a little treat and that's okay but it comes from the little treat budget doesn't it exactly exactly so you you don't have to feel guilty or worry buying it because you know everything else is taken care of too true but I think it's later I often get home and I'm like oh what was I thinking like I don't even really like it that much it's just that thrill of buying something well you can always return it if it's not adding value, my friend. Exactly. I'm really bad at returning things. Money Diarist, you have told us a lot about your circumstance. You became a single mom six months ago.

You now have investments and savings and you've put money away for your daughters. You literally have a savings plan for them, but then you've organized your money so much that you've prepaid or you have the funds to prepay kindy and swimming. You literally own a property, which is epic. And previously you said, oh, I'm a B plus. Do you still think that's accurate? Look, maybe I could bump myself up a bit to maybe an A minus. But I think if I have, you know, this idea in my head that, oh, I'm, you know, an A plus, I've nailed it. It doesn't really encourage me to keep growing and challenge myself to, oh, how could I be doing better? Or yeah, maybe we'll stick with an A minus. Totally understand where you're coming from.

I really enjoy that, actually, because I think that even if you've got the structure there, I think sometimes by saying, oh, well, I'm still not an A plus because I believe everybody has room to grow still. That's actually a really positive mindset to be in. And I think that, you know, as much as we all want to be an A plus with money, it goes in ebbs and flows. Sometimes we smash it out in one week and the next week we give ourselves a little too many little treats. But that is OK. And that is life. And I think that, yeah, this has been really powerful. I am so excited to know about how well you are doing and that you are flourishing it makes my heart so happy so thank you so much for joining us today for a money diary I know that so many people are

going to be so grateful having heard your story because it's inspiring it's exciting it is one of those things that I think a lot of people in the situation you were in six months ago go oh I don't know if I can do it and you are living proof that you absolutely can oh thank you so much and And as I said, She's On The Money has been such a huge part of that journey and just giving me the confidence financially because it was never something I'd been educated in before. And now I think I know just enough to get myself in trouble or get myself out of trouble rather.

So thank you for your movement. No, thank you. All right. Well, thank you so much. But unfortunately, I do think that's all we have time for today. We'll see you guys on Wednesday. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances.

She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN 321 649 27708 AFSL 451 289.