She's On The Money - MONEY DIARIES: Surviving then thriving after sexual assault and chronic illness

Episode Date: November 7, 2021

Good morning friends! This week we've got a story that will inspire you, and break your heart at the same time. This weeks money diarist has been through far more than anyone ever should, but her perseverance, grit and intelligence will amaze you.Content warning: this episode discusses rape, chronic illness and abuse. If you or someone you know is going through a situation like this, please don't hesitate to reach out to our friends at 1800RESPECT here: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ or, PLEASE never hesitate to drop into our DM's - we're just friends you haven't met in person yet and we're here for you.The advice shared on She’s on The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She’s on The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. Victoria Devine is an Authorised Representative of Australia Pacific Funds Management Proprietary Limited ABN 34 132 463 257 - AFSL 339151.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

She's on the money. She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's on the money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. My name is Toni Lodge and joining me for another Shop Back Money Diary is Miss Victoria Devine. Toni Lodge, how are you? I'm good, thank you. And today's Money Diary has a bit of a twist. I have no email. Yeah, I said to you, hey, we're doing a Money Diary and you were like, um, no, we're not.

I haven't scheduled one. And I was like, I have though. And you were like, this, this is not how it works. And I was like, well, it is today. And the reason for that is because I got a DM recently that has turned into a money diary. So I just wanted to make sure that you guys get a trigger warning before we jump into any of this, because today we are going to be talking about rape. We are going to be talking about chronic illness, and we are going to be discussing a lot of the financial impacts around that. But also given the nature of this topic and the fact that I genuinely do not believe we talk about these things enough or in enough detail to fully comprehend how that impacts people and what that means, we are going to be having a pretty

uncensored conversation about this. So, if that is something that you're not ready for, don't want to have a listen to, or will not be the right content for you at this point, we will see you next week. I promise it will be a lighter episode. And obviously, we have two other episodes that you can go listen to this week anyway. So, I promise you're not missing out. But Tony, let's dive straight in and i will read out the dm that i got this week from our money diarist okay so the dm reads hey v i know you get a ton of dms which i do but i love it so don't stop from the she's on the money community but i wanted to still say a huge thank you your team has helped me to work through my money story and the shame i had surrounding it after growing up being a dedicated

saver and a hard worker i turned to shopping as a coping mechanism after i was raped and had a miscarriage last year. I spent so much money that I ended up broke and I had to move home for support. Since that time, I started reading your book, listening to your podcast and other podcasts like Seize the Yay, which Tony, we love. Sarah's podcast is amazing. And I've come so far mentally. I now run and support myself via my own business, have stayed in uni full time. I'm actually studying finance. What a queen. And have managed to recently adopt my mini dash hound puppy who is my actual baby. If that is not a money diary ready to happen, I don't know what is. Money diarist, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you for having me. Oh my gosh, of course, my friend. And

I know you didn't slide into my DMs to get on the show and do a money diary, but that was such a beautiful message, such a beautiful story to share with me. And I'm just, I love these messages and knowing that we have such an impact with our community. So, after you and I had gone back and forth with a couple of messages, mainly talking about puppies, I was like, would you do a diary? And you were like, oh my gosh, yes, I'd love to, but I didn't know if I should like write in or not. And I was like, oh, you don't have to. Can I read your DM? And you said yes. And here we are literally less than 24 hours later. So, Money Diarist, can we just jump into the questions? because I have a million questions for you to get to later in the show.

Sure. Let's go for it. All right, Money Diarist, what is your attitude towards money? Definitely a work in progress. I'd say at the moment, there's still a lot of fear around it. I'm still absolutely terrified every time that I open my bank account, even though I know I'm making money. But there is also this sense of achievement there as well that I know that I am being intentional about it. So, I guess if I had to say it was an attitude, it would be this sort of a bit apprehensive because like I do know that I'm working, but I also know I've got a long way to go. Can understand that. So, next question. What do you currently do for work and how much

money do you earn, my friend? So, as I said, I am running my own business. After everything that happened in the last year, I needed to be able to support myself from home because I was in a wheelchair after everything. So, I couldn't really turn up to an office or go to a cafe like I had in the past because you need to walk for that. So, I started a digital marketing agency from home and I currently do all the digital marketing, socials, emails, websites for about six different companies in Perth. Six already? Yeah. So it's been about six months, but it's just grown faster than I could have imagined. Wow. That's my primary source of income at around 80 grand a year. Wait, so you've gone from like zero to 5,000 making 80 grand a year in your own business? Yeah. Oh my

gosh that's really exciting but I'm also lucky enough to have some part-time work doing PR in a company as well just two days a week for experience for my degree but they're paying me so that is an extra 30 grand a year as well wow and so do you do the digital agency stuff that you do from home you must be so busy so do you do that on the other three days or are you just working like around the clock. It is a bit of a juggle. I'm not going to lie. It's a bit messy sometimes because the days I'm not working in the city, I am at uni full time. So, the digital agency stuff happens after hours or in between classes or on the weekend if I don't have enough time. So, I'm usually like that weird kid in the library who's just like out of class and taking a

client meeting on Zoom, then like back into class writing an assessment. It's just the way it's worked out, but I actually love it. So, it's fine. Wow. Oh my gosh. I'm so in awe of how you've just gone, you know what? I'm going to start my own business. I might still be at uni. I've got this. I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. Can I have like a leaf out of your book of confidence, please, my friend? Gosh. Oh, it definitely doesn't feel like confidence. It feels like insanity at some points, but thank you. We're all winging it. That's the secret. it. I don't even know what I'm doing. And that's totally fine. I think it's one of those things where sometimes, and I talk about this a lot on the Business Bible Podcast, sometimes you feel

like you've got to have it all together before you can even start. And in reality, that's not the case at all. You just start and you'll work it out from there. Wing it. She'll be right. Done is much better than perfect. And that's something I've really had to adjust to learn. yes all right money diarist what is your big money goal so the one that i'm working to currently is to rebuild my emergency fund especially with a little four-legged friend it's i find it really important to have money set aside for those emergencies that you just don't see coming and i'm about halfway there with that and once i've done that the next big goal is to start working on a house deposit. Oh my gosh. That's so exciting. What to you is quote a healthy

emergency fund? Like what is that number that would make you feel comfortable? And I ask this just because it varies from person to person. Yeah. I guess for me, knowing that life can be super unpredictable and you just never know what's going to happen. I aim to have six months of living expenses set aside so that if something were to happen in the future where I am, not able to work or whatever it might be, I've got that stability and that confidence that I've looked after future me. And I don't want to end up in the same position that I've been in where I've just got nothing. So yeah, six months is my goal. I like that. And it seems like a really solid goal as well. From your perspective, you're like,

you know what? I have a clean, clear goal. And a lot of people, when we start talking about emergency funds, they'll often say, oh, maybe like between three to six. And it's like, well, those two numbers are actually really different. Like six is actually double three. So, you know, where are we going and what are we doing? So, I like that you're like, nope, I've chosen six. That's what I'm working towards. So, that when your emergency fund is full and you have reached that, there's clarity on that goal having been set and achieved and you can move on to a house deposit feeling confident that that goal's done and dusted instead of like, oh, do I need to top it up more or is that enough? Like, no, you've planned it and I love it.

money diarist do you have any investments I do actually this is the only part of my money that I wasn't able to spend in my frenzy last year um because I couldn't access it and I couldn't be bothered to try and access it if I'm honest so I've had a superhero account for about 16 months maybe oh wow yeah so that was something that was like one of the first big money steps that I took while I was working last year. And I just make it a habit of consistently putting money aside each month because my income does vary a little bit. It's more of a percentage than an exact number that goes in there. But yeah, I've seen a pretty good return on that so far. And obviously, I'm young enough to let it compound for quite a few years. So, hopefully in the future,

that will be worth it. Side note, I obviously work with Superhero because I also quite like their platform and I'm comfortable sharing it with our community. Obviously, there's lots of other platforms I talk about, like I talk about Sharesies and Sixpack and I've spoken about a whole heap of micro-investing platforms. From the perspective of someone who clearly got superhero before I even started talking about it, are you enjoying it? Do you like it? I definitely do. I did a lot of reading and research before I knew because I just knew nothing and I obviously was quite overwhelmed by the thought being a young female who'd never learned about it. I was like, where do I start? But I did. I actually listened to a different podcast about it and they were

quite massive fans of superhero. And it just seemed like this really clear and easy way to get started. There was no fees involved for the type of investments I wanted, which was a massive plus. And they're super supportive. The help that you can get from them is really good. So that's, yeah, I find that really good. I'm glad. Thank you for letting me be a bit self-indulgent and ask a question. I mean, that could have gone two ways, Tony. She could have been like, yeah, they're actually like not that good. And I'm like, cool. So, I just said I work with them. But good to know. Next question. Do you currently have any debts? It's not technically a debt, but I'm counting as a debt to myself to rebuild what I spent last year.

But in terms of like real world debt at the moment, no, because I never allowed myself to go down the loan or credit card route, even when I was like, let's spend all of the money all the time. And I'm really grateful that that was the one line I wouldn't let myself cross because I just know that could have spiraled so quickly. So not at the moment, I do have a little bit of money to repay my parents who helped me with some medical loans, but there's no interest on that. So that's, you know, quite easy. And then it's just text, but I'm really, really lucky that I scored a scholarship that pays half my HECS debt. So. Oh, what? Congratulations. Hold on, Tony. Of course she did. Like, of course she did. She's a hustler. She's obviously intelligent.

Of course you did. So I'm really happy about that because that just halves the burden that future me has to pay. Oh, so good. So good. How'd you get a scholarship? How does that work? As a first year uni student, I was like, wow, living's expensive, uni's expensive. How do I make this better? And I just chatted to the uni. I was like, what scholarships are there available? I was a country student who had to move four hours away from home to study. So there was quite a little bit more options available, I guess, for somebody in those positions. And yeah, I just started applying, started writing essays and making myself sound super intelligent, which to be honest, it was all just writing. No, no, no. What she means is she didn't

have to try. Yeah. So, yeah. And then went through the interview process and managed to get one. So, that was, I'm really grateful for that. Actually, it's been a really big support. Oh, congrats. How cool is that? And I wanted to ask you that just purely because I don't think enough people put their hands up for things like scholarships. And as you said, you actually had to go searching for it. You had to be proactive about it. And if this is your sign, go and have a look if your university offers them because it literally gets rid of half your hex debt if you get the same one as our money diarist. All right. Next question. Do you currently use Shopback? I am a Shopback fan of about two weeks now. So, since listening to that episode of the podcast,

obviously um and I've installed it on my laptop so that it's really easy just to see like where it applies and I've also found by default that it actually applies to so many of my business subscriptions and I had no idea how good yeah so it's actually saving money not just personally but in my business and I'm really grateful for that oh my god that's a good tip I think make sure that you check it for any subscriptions for you know like Adobe or like I don't know I wonder if you got MYOB is that a thing? Not yet I'm absolutely terrified of bookkeeping at the moment just because it's like one step I'm like I don't have time for that but I do need to get there. All right next question money diarist what is your best money habit? I'm going to say

discipline but like in quotation marks for anyone who's listening because i know that's a really um hard thing to kind of say like it has been a bit of a journey for me especially surrounding the shame like of spending all my money so for me it's been really important to make those promises to myself that i'm going to you know when i get paid transfer things straight away into the right bank accounts or think about my purchase for 24 hours before i do it if it's something for myself or just those little things that do require that discipline. But it's actually like it's about making a promise to yourself and keeping it and learning to trust yourself again, because I think I kind of broke that trust with myself. I couldn't trust myself with my own money, which sounds so

strange, but it's true. So, yeah, I think just taking that time to really put those good habits in place is my good habit, if that works. I think that is a very good place to start. in contrast, what is your worst money habit? You've probably guessed by now, but emotional spending. So I started to use shopping as a way to cope with all the feelings that I had. And I also just didn't want to be in the house by myself. So I was just going out and it wasn't even online shopping. It was just me out in the shops, like walking around. So for me, that's still a bit of a problem on the days that I'm not coping so well. Like when all those emotions come back up, it's really easy for me to be like, oh, I just, I like, I deserve to buy this. But actually,

yes, like it's nice to treat yourself sometimes, but when it's to the extent that future you is going to be suffering really badly, it's not worth it. I've realized, and you have to just kind of make that hard decision in that moment, even when you're feeling pretty terrible already. So yeah, emotional spending is still something I'm working through for sure, but hopefully a few more months or years, I'll be a lot better at that. I feel like you're really self-aware of that as well. It's not often that people pinpoint as a bad or a worst money habit that emotional spending is one of them. Often they'll be like, oh yeah, I can do this. I can do that. But the way you've articulated that, my friend, I think you are on exactly the right track.

Especially you adding, I've never really thought about it before, but you saying that you broke that trust with yourself. I think so often we think about, you know, letting other people down, like I don't want to let Victoria down or I don't want to let down my boyfriend or whoever, but thinking about the trust and that relationship with yourself, I think that that's often the most neglected relationship that we have. And the fact that you're aware of that and that you now think like, hang on, do I want to hurt myself by spending this money or whatever, I think is just like such a nice way of looking at it. And so great that you're seeing that and know how that can affect you and go, hang on, like, not only is it spending the money,

but I'm also going to like hurt myself emotionally by doing this. Yeah. And you referenced future you, which I obviously adore because that's who we're looking out for. That's who we're creating this secure financial future for. And the decisions that you make do impact them. And I think that you're just really self-aware of that. And I think that that just, regardless of where you're at on that journey. I think self-awareness is the most important thing that you can have on a money journey. Next and final question before we take a quick break. Money Diarist, what grade would you give your money habits? Being a work in progress, I'm going to say a C. Not because I'm trying to like sell myself short or anything, just because I know that I've got a long way to go and that's

okay. I'm actually excited about that because I'm heading in the right direction. So, I've kind of pulled myself up out of the pit, so to speak, and I'm like making some money again and I'm saving again, but it is still baby steps and it is still the start of a journey. So, yeah, I'm comfortable with a C at the moment, I think. Well, we'll leave you with a C, but I do have a lot of questions about your journey and how you've gotten through it after this quick break. All right, Money Diarist, we are back. And at the start of this episode, I read out the DM you sent to me and we didn't touch on any of the content in that except for maybe your shopping and what you got up to in the questions prior to the break. But I think the best way to start this chat is actually to

ask you in your own words, tell me a bit about your journey and what you've been through. Sure. So, like I said, this is all things that have happened in the last 12 months. so it is quite recent for me which makes it quite easy to remember all the details I suppose um last year obviously when we were hit with the pandemic it did upset so many lives and for us even though we weren't in lockdown as long we were in lockdown for a while in 2020 uni shut down I lost my rental up in the city I lost my job up here so I had to move back down to the country town where I grew up and I ended up moving in with the family that I worked for. I worked in a family restaurant at the time and I ended up moving in with them because it was kind of,

if I was going to be working with the public and working with them, it didn't make sense to go home to my family and spread those germs further. So I kind of stayed in that bubble and I absolutely loved that family. I still adore them, but unfortunately things were not so great for me during that period. I was really unwell. I went through some big health ups and downs and their son became like my carer. He just sort of stepped up and was like willing to help. He was dressing me, feeding me, showering me, like all the things that you never expect somebody to just step up and do. And so as a result, you know, when you're that vulnerable with someone, you do become quite close and we ended up becoming really good friends. And the time came for uni to restart and

jobs to reopen. Um, and we both moved back up to the city and obviously there was a lot of trust there. So he was coming to the hospital with me for my appointments. And I was like helping him out with a few things until one night, um, he needed a lift home from a party and me not thinking twice. I just went and got him because, you know, I've lived with this person for so long and I've trusted them with pretty much my entire life at this point. Um, so yeah, went and picked him up and nothing sort of seemed different. I had seen him drunk before. I didn't really have any cause for alarm. I also had to go and get another friend who was in the same position, couldn't get home from the city. So I went and got her, brought them both back to my

place. And unfortunately that night there was no boundaries for him. And it just, I don't know what changed, but I couldn't escape. And I guess coming out of that, it's really, you're just in this such deep period of denial where you just don't want it to be true because you've trusted that person and you've invested so much in that relationship. And to have that just be torn out from underneath you. And then it's like, well, who do I trust now? And what am I supposed to do in the aftermath of this? And obviously we are making progress in that space, but there is still so much shame that surrounds it, especially as the victim. And it's so hard to speak up because you do get knocked back with people who don't believe you or people who think you're exaggerating

or people who go, well, you brought a drunk guy home. What did you expect? And I just don't see how me opening my door to a friend justifies that kind of like behavior like I just I've worked really hard to get to that point because I definitely blamed myself absolutely but and I know that so many people do and I just I know that feeling and it's awful and you just feel so unworthy and so sort of used I suppose is the only way to describe it and coming like in the weeks that um followed I still was popping down south to where his parents live to do some work for them so I was still sort of part of the family and it was like this horrible period of having to tell them what had happened and be like look I can't be here anymore these are the reasons I'm really

sorry to put you in this position where you're between me and your actual child. Wow that would have been huge for you to tell his parents what had happened. Yeah especially when you're like the adopted kid and it's just this unnatural thing to do is to be like look I'm just have to cut myself off here because for my own sanity and your sort of processing I need to be removed so that was really difficult because that was a major part of my support structure that I had effectively taken away from myself I knew it was the best thing to do at the time but it still made it really difficult because then you're relying on people that maybe don't know the story or people who don't know you as well. And it's just a bit messy to cut a very long story short. It was about

two and a half months after this had happened. I was at home one night in the shower and I just started bleeding and I didn't know what was happening to me. I was so scared. And it turns out that I'd had a miscarriage and I was about 10 weeks pregnant, but I didn't know that because I had always been told that I couldn't get pregnant and I was also on the pill so I was like I'll be okay like I don't need to worry about this and not being in a relationship at the time it hadn't been something I was really worried about or thinking about I just didn't think that's all I can really say so yeah to find that out was like a massive blow because it was just that loss all over again even though I'm young and I wasn't planning for a baby or I didn't even

want to be a parent at that time there is still this feeling of immense loss there and grief and I can't really describe that to anyone except if you've been through it because people just assume like oh but you didn't want to be a parent so you must have been so relieved and I was like yeah there's an element of relief there but you still feel sad and I think that's okay it's okay to feel that's still your baby that's still your child I think given like oh this might be you don't have to answer this um but given the circumstance obviously that you'd gone through as well it's probably just such an emotional time obviously like it goes without saying but I can't even imagine you coming to terms with that and going hang on like what is happening here is this

really happening to me absolutely and knowing that like if I had found out and I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been in this position to make this life-changing decision that you know all of the things I had been working towards my studies and my job and all of those things would have had to be put on hold and my life would have been changed if I had chosen to go down that path and I just that is such a scary thing to realize that you are one step away from your life looking that different because I think you fall into this false sense of security in a world that just assumes that pregnancy is like this thing that you have to try really hard for or like that it doesn't happen when you're not expecting it sometimes and the fact is it does and it's

unfortunately in these situations it happens a lot more than people realize and I didn't know that nobody told me that um and even when you know I went and went to the hospital after the initial incident nobody warned me or tested me because we all just assumed that it wasn't a physical possibility, um, because of my health. And so if I can just give any advice, it's just, please go in, go and explore all the options, ask for all the tests because you don't want to be caught off guard. It's so much harder when you don't have any idea what you're going through than if you know, and I was really sick in those 10 weeks, but just for me, I just assumed it was all the emotions and the anxiety, all those things coming to the surface. I never ever did

once crossed my mind that I could be pregnant. So yeah, that was a really challenging time for sure. And it did end up between the initial injuries from the incident and then sort of the physical toll of a miscarriage. I ended up in a wheelchair, as I said, for about six months. I wasn't. Wow. So until April this year. And yeah even that in itself like that just gave me a newfound appreciation for the less able-bodied members of our community and just you know what they experience and what they go through and the total lack of accessibility that there is just generally and the way that people treat you is so different and I guess through all of these experiences there's been some huge lessons for me

I'm not saying that that makes it worth it at all but you know there is things that I've gone like wow, I never would have known that if I hadn't gone through it. So yeah, I think that pretty well summarizes what the last 12 months have looked like. Yeah. Wow. I am, it's not often, Toni, in podcast world for me that I'm at a loss for words. In fact, arguably, I usually have too many of them. I just don't know where to start with this. That sounds horrific. And I'm so sorry you've been through that situation and I hope like I am in awe of how you're handling this and how you're articulating this and we're not even talking about something you know there's there's no such thing as a good rape end of story but like you ended up in a wheelchair this was as much

physical as it was mental and it's not like it's taken such a toll on you your body your life your ability to generate revenue. You've, I mean, you've bounced back incredibly well. You've gone and started your own business. Like, holy shit. Like you've gone and started your own business after that happened. Cause you're like, do you know what? I have to support myself. Like that's incredible. My friend, like that is, you know, a lot of people get down and obviously that makes sense. And we all have different coping mechanisms, but I just, yeah, I don't, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask you. And I feel like this has been such a special story to share because I'm so grateful that, you know, even if one person listens to

this and they're like, Oh, I'm not alone. Like somebody else went through this, but I guess to loop this back, you know, to she's on the money, obviously you started a business. You're okay. But going through all of this financially, what did that look like for you during that process? Like you said before, you've got some medical bills that your parents have covered and you've got to pay them back for. What does that look like? How much has this cost you? Sure. So, I did have some pre-existing health things that were happening in the background this whole time, which I had been dealing with for a couple of years prior to this. And that was mostly around the fact that I've had four organs removed.

Four? Yeah, four. four organs Tony I didn't even know I had more than four organs I'm trying to work out which four you can still live without like one kidney one gallbladder um all right money diaries still share that with us I hope because I'm real pervy like is she missing a heart and she's still just bopping around we don't know not yet many people have asked me that are you missing a heart I'm like wow am I that cold no no that's not what I meant oh my gosh no no it's fine it's fine so from the age of six like I stopped growing and I was having a lot of stomach issues and like as

a six-year-old nobody really believes you they're like oh yeah you're six you're just being fussy like you'll be fine um so it actually took them 10 years to diagnose me with chronic pancreatitis which is really unusual for a little kid to have because usually it's like after years of alcohol abuse or you know something along those lines but basically for those who don't know it's where your pancreas instead of um sending the enzymes it makes into your stomach to break down your food it starts digesting itself so wow yeah so it eats itself and when it works through that it starts everything around it um which hurts by the way if anyone i was about to say that sounds really painful so when i was 16 i was actually fed through tubes because i couldn't eat anymore

because of the pain so i had um a tube going into my heart a tube going through my nose for a long time and it got to the point where the doctors were like look you're wasting away we don't really know what to do with you you've probably got a good three months and my parents were like hell no this is our kid like she's only 16 we can't do this so I don't even to be honest when I tell this story I still can't believe how this happened but somehow my parents found out about this surgery that was happening in America it had never been done in Australia and they got in touch and the team was like really synthetic to our situation so they came from america to sydney what we flew over to sydney and they did this surgery for me so they took out my pancreas

and they took the little tiny bit of functioning tissue that still was there that made insulin and put it into my liver so my liver kind of does two jobs now they also took out my spleen my gallbladder and most of my intestine so that's what I'm missing oh my gosh yeah so that was like a major thing obviously at 16 I missed a year of school and like there were all these things that just happened out of that but when I recovered and bounced back it was like this new lease on life I was like yes let's go I'm gonna do everything and so you know god I think I got my first job, like literally 11 months after the surgery, I was like, yes, I'm going to start making money. And I, you know, put so much into my school. I was just like, so happy to be back

with my friends. And it was really incredible. The support that we got from the doctors and like just the team in general, like I still have a team that's across Perth, Sydney and America because that just don't have the resources here and I totally get that so that obviously as wonderful as that recovery was there always is going to be some little bubbles and hiccups when of course you're doing the job of those organs from the outside and that's what had flared up last year was mostly around the digestion and the blood sugar point of view and to just put a money spin on this i guess um that surgery for anyone who's interested was eight hundred thousand dollars i was about to ask how much that cost because i was like all right that that sounds expensive

eight hundred grand but you will never believe this the australian government was like look this is a life-threatening situation we are going to cover it what yeah so i'm so glad i paid taxes for you to get your pancreas out. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we pay taxes for. I am so here for that. Um, Oh my gosh, that is epic. Tony, Tony, Tony, did we just hear the biggest money win of the community ever? So yeah, taxes. We love them guys. Um, wow. Oh my God. 800 grand. Super grateful for the country that we live. No other country in the world has that level of support. And they never would have done that in America. That would have not been an option. And that's where those surgeons came from for you. And because they were considering asking us to come to America. And if

that was the case, my family would have lost their house, their cars, everything. Like they would have been in so much debt just to keep me alive. It would not have really worked out the way that it has. So yeah, that was incredible. But ongoing from that, there is obviously a lot of costs and very high maintenance as you can imagine. And my budget obviously looks a little bit different from people my age, I have to say, because there has to be around $2,000 in there for medical stuff every month. Wow. Every month. Holy moly. Yeah. So, I am lucky to have support from my family where they can and things like healthcare cards and things do make some difference. But obviously, there has to be that safety net there to know that I can afford the medications I need and I

can go to the appointments that I need and all of those things. And at the moment I need to get a new insulin pump and that's like 10 grand in one. So expensive. Wow. So, you know, there are those things that really do add up after a while. And I'm really grateful for my parents. I could not have done it without them. Absolutely. But I have taken it upon myself to be like, I want to contribute to that because obviously it is for me and I just yeah they are very supportive which I'm grateful for thanks mom and dad um but yeah that's kind of how the medical stuff plays in to the money stuff I guess and with your medical I guess responsibilities like the financial responsibilities that you have for yourself does that play a large part into your emergency fund

as well. So, are you kind of, you know, so my emergency fund, I think, okay, this is how much my bills and my rent cost per month. But you're thinking rent, bills, emergency, like emergency medical things that you might need to take care of, let alone your normal monthly medications, right? Absolutely. And those costs spiral when you're in a bad patch because you don't need so much more support and you often need to, you know, get people in to help with things. And I do have a really amazing group of friends, which luckily a lot of them are support workers. So, they jump in as my support workers. Oh my gosh. What a special group of friends to have around you as well. They absolutely are. And yeah, like you said, it just, I have to factor that into my emergency fund

and that is why that fund is so crucial for me because I just don't know what the next six months will look like often. And it's obviously not just health stuff that can interfere with that. It can be totally out of your control, but yeah, the health things do make me really aware of how quickly things change and how much we take for granted those days where we wake up, get out of bed and just go and do stuff because that's not the reality for a lot of people dealing with chronic illness. So yeah, I guess that's the picture for me when it comes to health. I'm a little bit messy, but there it is. It's so interesting to learn about your story and it it makes me angry at the same time to think that you have been through all of that and then

you opened up to somebody let them be your carer and they abused that and abused you and put you in a position where you were really trusting of them which obviously that's a really intimate thing to go through like if you're caring for somebody it's it's not a relationship that by any stretch of the imagination I would think stretches into to sexual anything it's nope like I'm just helping her do this like you're a carer and to then abuse that situation in the way that yours was how is that impacting you moving forward because obviously you know with what you've been through you're going to go through patches where you do need some extra care and some extra support and that's probably going to play on your mind about oh am I safe here like you don't need that

yeah that trust yeah and i think for me it's really important to be aware and continually alert where those boundaries are because when i'm already sick the last thing i need is a whole heap of emotional stress on top of that because it makes the recovery so much harder so i think some of the things that have been super important for me is just to learn to actually speak up and that it's okay to say when i'm not comfortable and that it's okay to say no because I know that we're in the 21st century and like feminism and all those things have made amazing progress, but it is still really hard when you grow up as a little girl being taught that, you know, guys are mean when they like to you or like, don't say no, just be polite and just go with the

flow. And like all of these sentiments that we grow up with really carry through to when you're in those situations, you don't realize how much that those inform the way that you act. And so for me yeah learning to be like actually no it's this crosses my boundary I'm not okay with this has been really important there's been a lot of times when I've been in hospital that I've said to my team like can female doctors please look after me or like if somebody has to examine me I would like it to only be a female that's touching me or like whatever it is they're really accommodating they're generally very supportive there's very few people who will say know. It's just that step of actually speaking up that's the hardest. And then at home, because

unfortunately, this incident did happen in my space. And in the current rental market, it's not an option to just jump ship and be like, oh, I'm just going to move down the road or to another suburb because there's just no places available, especially as a student. So, that's been a really long process of making this a space I want to be and not run away from. And renovating it and making it somewhere I want to come home to and that I feel relaxed and safe and I'm really happy that I've kind of gotten to that point but that also includes who you let into your space and so I'm very selective about who I let into my home and into that safe zone because for me I need to keep it safe of course it needs to be this place that I can come back to and just take a deep

breath and kind of not have to be on such high alert and not have to be on guard all the time and just let myself relax a little bit. So yeah, it definitely breaks that trust. And I think that is the hardest thing to rebuild. And it's also the scariest thing to rebuild because as I've learned, you never know, like it's not some big, bad stranger that does this to people more often than not. In fact, it's actually about 82% of these situations that it's somebody that is like closely connected with you. And that figure is, it should shock people because that's like people that we trust and that we know. And I'm not trying to put fear into everybody's hearts, but I'm just trying to bring home how easily these situations happen and that people don't

go out there looking for trouble. Like we don't go out there and like put ourselves in positions that warrants this happening ever. It's just, the fact is this does happen and it does happen close to home and it happened in a position where you were trusting that person as well like it's an abuse of power and abuse of trust and there's absolutely no rhyme no reason um for that to have happened it's a thousand percent on him like you could have done anything in the entire world and it still would have been a thousand percent on him but that came from you just trying to do the right thing for a friend like drunk friend called you and you're like yeah no problems i'll pick you up. I want you to be safe. And they didn't extend you that same opportunity. And that,

that breaks my heart to think that you were in such a caring, kind mentality. Like you drove to the city to pick up drunk friends. Like, you know what, when I'm not drunk, like I can't put up with drunk people. Like, that's the thing that you go, all right, you know what, I'll pick them up. Cause like, they're my mates and I just want them to be safe. And then for that to happen, oh like that's such an abuse of power and such an awful thing to have gone through that it really makes you go is everybody like that like am I just am I too nice and it's not it's not it absolutely isn't and it was never your fault but to think that he just walked away and it's all good for him like that's disgusting yeah I think that something that's been really important for

me to understand is that because obviously now there is that fear and it's like, well, is everybody bad? Is everybody capable of doing this? And I think about it like if I had a bag of Maltesers, right? And I told you that one of those Maltesers was made of dog poo. That doesn't mean that all of them are made of dog poo, but you're going to be weary and you're going to be slightly scared of all of them just in case that's the one, right? I'm not going to any more teasers if you offer it to me heck no exactly so for me it's been this like okay not all men I'm not trying to be on here oh absolutely not not all men but like if you tell me one of them's dog poo I'm sure as hell gonna be wary of all of them exactly and that's

I think what has been important for me to try and explain to people because I'm like there is a fear there there is this hesitancy there and it's there for a reason it's not made up. And it's not because we hate you. It's just because unfortunately this happens and it comes more often than not from a male figure in somebody's life. And as a result, we don't know who to trust. Absolutely. And a really big step for me was actually being invited back after sharing my story with one of my old teachers from high school. She invited me back to my old high school to give a seminar on consent and what that actually means. Oh, I'm in awe of everything you do.

Like to think this happened like less than 12 months ago and you're like, nah, not having it. Like that often takes people years to comprehend. Yeah, and that's fine if it takes years. Oh, no, no, no. It's not a good or a bad thing. It is what it is. I'm just so impressed that you've gone through this.

And you're like, nope, straight out the gates. Like this isn't going to happen to anybody else because of your caring nature. You're literally that person. happened because you cared and now you're caring about everybody else so that it doesn't happen to them. Well, that's exactly that all I can hope for, right? Is that somebody else doesn't have to live through this. And for me presenting on that day to 500 students was like literally terrifying. I wanted to pee my pants, I'm not going to lie to you. But I was like, if one person

in this audience doesn't have to live what I've lived through, this will totally be worth it. Because we don't learn about consent at school. Like, or I didn't, I don't know about you guys, but it was just this case of like sex ed, by the way, don't get pregnant. That was it. Like that was sex ed. Like there was 45 minutes in my entire high school time and it was such an underused space. So to be able to come into that space and really speak into it and go like, guys, this is what no looks like. This is what no sounds like. It might not be necessarily a verbal thing. It might be a physical thing. You need to be aware of that. And you need to know the consequences if you don't listen and what that conversation looks like

and just being able to really open people's eyes to that. The response from students was so encouraging. I was like, wow, they were all really engaged, really asking questions, wanting to understand and do the right thing, and I was happy with that. But it also just made me so aware of how poorly this concept is understood. I'm not saying that this is an excuse, but it's no wonder we're seeing

so many of these situations because we're not teaching people how to actually ask for consent or like make sure that they've got it yeah so yeah I think that's a space that I'm really excited to work more in the future as well because it's something obviously that's close to my heart and that I can understand what it's like to not be offered the sort of courtesy of asking for consent but like yeah it's also just something that has the power to change people's lives. It's such a simple thing, but if you skip it and you just don't care, it has enormous consequences. So yeah, sorry, off the track from money, I know, but it is something that I think is really important. I couldn't agree with you more. So the next question I have for you is,

as you said, this happens more often than any of us would like to think it does. But that's the reality of, unfortunately, the world. And you come across as this strong, confident woman who I know, you know, that's my perception. That doesn't mean that in those moments you felt that in any way, shape or form. But can we talk a bit about process? So, this happened, the incident occurred. What next? What do we do if we're in that situation? Because I, in all honesty, if that happened to me, I wouldn't have a clue. No one's ever said to me, okay, this is what you need to do after that happens? Absolutely. Look, I'm only 21. I have had to learn all of this myself and I wish that somebody had given me the rundown and been like, look, sometimes relationships or

sex doesn't go the way that we want it to. Here's what happens. Here's what to do. So, maybe this is like that for somebody. I don't know. But I guess the most important thing I can say is please go and get help if you're not ready to get psychological help at least do yourself the favor of going to get medical help after this happens I overshare I had to get stitches I had to get you know patched up in a big way and if I hadn't gone and gotten help I could have been living with a lot worse you know physical consequences and it was terrifying to go to the hospital and have to admit. Of course it was. But it's worth it. And the staff are so sympathetic and they are so gentle with you and they really are respectful. So please don't be afraid. Nurses

understand what to do in these situations and they're really good about it. At least that's been my experience. So go and get medical help and make sure that you are getting tests for STDs or whatever it might be so that you are, you know, covering all your bases for the future. Go and get a pregnancy test if that is you know applicable and just make sure that you're safe the next thing is to surround yourself with people that love you and will support you no matter what you don't need a single person in your life that's going to make you feel guilty for what's happened and you don't need a single person in your life that's going to blame you for being in that situation so please don't be afraid to cut off contact with people because as a people pleaser

a recovering people pleaser, it's really hard to just be like, actually, no, I don't have time to catch up with you because I just leave that feeling drained and worse about myself. It's not useful for my recovery at all. So that was like a real revision process of my support group and my friendship group. Not to say that those people are bad. They're just not people that I needed in my space at that time. So surround yourself with people that are going to love and support you and sort of push you in the right direction and be there for the days that you can't get up and do it yourself. And who are also responsive and understanding when you're out in public and something triggers you, that they don't get upset with you, but they understand

what's happening and that you don't have to tell them all the details, but at least let them know that it could happen so that they're prepared a little bit and can help you when that panic sets in and you don't know how to help yourself. And then obviously I'm going to say this to everybody is when you're ready, go and speak to somebody. Go and get professional help. There's lots of free helplines. There's lots of services accessible if you don't have the money to pay for a psychologist or you don't want to leave the house. There are so many services out there. You just have to make that initial contact. And I know that's the hardest part. But there is nothing else that will help you work through that stuff like having professional help.

just giving you that framework for how to deal with your thoughts and those sort of that advice for, you know, when that panic sets in and when those moments really take you back to that situation, how do you bring yourself back to the present and how do you calm yourself down in a productive way so that you can continue living your life? It's not about getting over it. It's about moving forwards. And working through it and not underestimating like how important it can be to have those tools when all you want to do is not think about it, like you said, but bring yourself back and go, okay, I have the tools to work through this. And, and as you said, I mean, it's, it's not going to be easy working through any trauma isn't easy, but having that trust in

yourself and having the circle of people around you that, you know, that you can trust and that will be sympathetic to you, whether they know what you've been through or not, just knowing that that care is there. I just can't imagine going through this without other people around you that you can trust. And you know what? You don't have to do this alone. I thought I did for the first few months because I was so ashamed of myself and I was so in this cycle of blaming myself and feeling guilty. And when I realized that actually I don't have to do this alone and it's not up to me to take the blame for this. Absolutely not. That was like the most freeing part of the whole recovery was just this like sigh of relief. Like, oh, I don't have to hold

it all together all the time. And I don't have to pretend like I'm not dealing with these things because I am. And they are messy and they are hard and it's okay. And I know that I'm anonymous on this podcast, but you know, I wish I could say, just send me a message on Instagram. I'm there for you. Like I've been there. I know what it's like. And anyone who knows me knows that they can reach out and ask me about it. And they, their friends of friends have messaged me and be like, look, I've been in this situation. Can you give me tips for this? Or like, what did you do in this stage? And that's been such a privilege to be able to be in people's stories like that because of that shared experience. So yeah, I guess it is important to know that you don't

have to be on your own. If you want to be, I understand that. I know that those feelings make you want to just shut yourself off, but the best thing you can do for yourself is work past that, be aware that those feelings are there, but just go, Hey, I'm actually going to get help anyway. And I'm going to tell a friend anyway, and I'm going to, you know, pick up the phone when I'm feeling really down instead of just sitting by myself and yeah. Taking those steps to really open up to where you're comfortable. Cause at the end of the day, what you're talking about, it's trauma, right? It's trauma. Like regardless of whether you say, Oh, I'm fine. Like, you know, you went through a significant trauma and at one point or another, that's going

to resurface and we need to deal with it so regardless of whether you are feeling like you want to do it you're like on your own for a little bit that's okay like we all need our own space and we all deal with things very differently but if you have been through a trauma you need to get some help for that and even if it's just a few sessions with a psychologist and you're really good with it and it's okay knowing that you're okay and having been given a few tools and resources that maybe if something does come up again like you can deal with it or you didn't realize how it was actually impacting you. Like you need to speak to someone regardless. The next question, and I know that this is a bit of a long money diary, but I just feel like it's

such a powerful one. The ramifications from this incident for you have been insane. Like it is so unfair that you have been through all of this and then, you know, you have to go therapy. You've had to go to the hospital. You've been in a wheelchair for six months. What were the ramifications for the person who did this to you? Yeah, that's a really great question. I ask myself that all the time. Look, in my situation with the added complexity of being part of the family and having that connection, I really struggled over the decision of whether or not to formally report. I know that that's something that a lot of people wrestle with because it's not an easy choice to make. Even if you don't know them, you're potentially going to have to talk about the

incident publicly in front of police and courts and drag it up for yourself again and again and for some people that's what they want and I respect that 100% and I admire them for me though I couldn't bring myself to do that I was like I just knowing that the outcome was so unlikely to be in my favor because only three percent of these situations end up in a conviction for me it was like that's not actually what's useful for my recovery and I'm aware that for some people it feels like I'm letting that person get off scot-free I'm not I actually confronted them about it a few months ago and was like I sat across from them which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I wrote them a letter and I just read it to them and I said I need you to

understand exactly what your actions have meant for somebody else's life and your family's life and my family's life because this is not just between you and me this is so much bigger than that and for you it may have been another Saturday but for me this has affected everything you know you just went to work the next day and carried on I lost all my money I lost my ability to support myself my ability to look after myself I lost my faith in people like there's so many things beyond just that night so we went down the more like rehab route than the professional like um reporting route and I don't have any problem with what people decide I think it's totally up to you but yeah it was it was a hard decision to come to um especially when those feelings are there

like you just you want to see it's not even about revenge it's just wanting to see them acknowledge and understand what they've done because when you know them as well it's like you're going to see them in the future like Perth is not that big of a place I'm going to see him in the future and I have to live with that but yeah to really get to a point where you can be comfortable with the decision that you've made I'm still working towards that I will be honest yeah because yeah it does feel like you want consequences for that person you want them to sort of experience what you've experienced but that's never going to happen unfortunately they have no concept of what you've been through and that's the most frustrating part i think

yeah and extending your emotional energy into somebody else that you have lost all of your respect for um is another hard thing when you are so depleted and you're thinking okay i'm running on 1% emotional energy currently. Do I want to give this person my 1% or am I going to hang on to that 1% and hope it compounds and hope that I get that back and, you know, that lust for life back and that enjoyment and that trust for other people. And like you said, I can only imagine how difficult that decision was for you to come to. But I respect obviously your choice and I really hope that that's worked for you and that you said you're still working towards like that kind of coming to terms with everything. But I really, really hope that that's coming soon

because like Victoria said before, for you to be able to speak to this so eloquently and share your story and how it's impacted you and everybody's story is different. And just thank you so much for trusting us with it because there are going to be people that are listening that have never had the confidence or, you know, that emotional energy to talk about it or share with people that will have that because you've done this for us so I just my heart honestly is with you and I can't believe that this is something you've gone through but wow like look at what an incredible person you are it's honestly just mind-blowing look at you fly honestly and and I couldn't agree with Tony more I think the important thing there is that

the power is in your hands whether you decide to do it the way that you're doing it or maybe one day you wake up and you go, no, I do want to report this. I, it infuriates me to think that our, our system is so broken that only 3% actually go through. And that as a victim of something like this, you're essentially fighting for your rights when you shouldn't have to, because they've been violated in the first point. Yeah. Yeah. It infuriates me. And I wish that there was more that we could do around this. And, you know, if you're listening and you need help and you just don't know where to go, we're here. We're shoes on the money. Like we've got your back. It doesn't matter if it's finance or not. I've got your back. I will find the right place for you. I will be

that friend that listens. You slide into whatever DMs you want of mine and we will make sure you go to the right place. I'm not the right place. Like I'm not going to be able to fix any of this, but you know, a lot of people who go through this, they feel like it's a burden. They feel like they don't want to reach out to their friends or their family and share that yet. Share it with me. It's okay i'm happy to hold that for you and to be that first step yeah and be that first step like i'm so happy to hold that space for people if they need it because i'm just so i feel so grateful for the privilege of being in the position that we're in to share these stories but also know that we have such a positive impact on you know our community and the world and that you know people like you

money diarist i want to use your name so much um you know contribute to that to help our community through situations that might not just be financial because at the end of the day everything comes back to finance everything regardless of whether you believe it does or not money changes everything yeah when all of your values and emotions and priorities change that absolutely impacts your money i've just demonstrated that so for you guys to have such an openness and approachability for people to share with you i can only say thank you because you are doing you are opening up the biggest space a safe place to talk and that is honestly all we want as survivors that's like the best thing you can offer us is this openness to hear

the story and not judge and just you know that I can't actually put to words how grateful I am so thank you both so much no no thank you this stuff doesn't happen without you this stuff doesn't happen without our money diarists being willing to share like I think that that's the thing with money diarists I get lots of dms like oh we want to hear a money diary on xyz sorry like I'm not going to search out specific money diaries like it's who's willing to share them and if you've got a story I would love to hear it but money diarist thank you for sharing your journey and being so open as I said earlier I'm just in awe of how you've bounced back and I know that everybody listening is going to feel exactly the same. I'm so, so proud that I get to

call you a community member and now by an extension, a friend. You're a friend of our community. You're a friend of me. And I just, yeah, I'm just so grateful that people like you exist. Thank you so much. Again, I just can't tell you how important it is to share this story and how grateful I am that you've shared it with us. It's just, it blows my mind, but hopefully this has helped at least one person that is listening to this but as always guys this is all we have time for today so just before we head off we'd like to acknowledge and pay respect to australia's aboriginal and torres strait islander peoples the traditional custodians of the lands the waterways and the skies all across australia we thank you for sharing and for caring for the land on which

we are able to learn we pay our respects to elders past and present and we share our friendship and our kindness the advice shared on she's on the money is generally nature and does not consider your individual circumstances she's on the money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or any financial decision and we promise that victoria divine is an authorized representative of australia pacific funds management proprietary Limited, ABN 34132463257, AFSL 339151. And as everything that we've talked about today is quite sensitive, if that's brought anything up for you at all, we have put a few resources into the show notes that you can have a look at, but you can always call our friends at Lifeline or reach out

to their chat function. They're very, very helpful, very special humans, and they can give you a bit of a hand with anything that you might be working through. See you next week, guys. Bye. We'll be right back.