She's On The Money - MONEY DIARIES: Turning Life Around After Parental Financial Abuse

Episode Date: November 26, 2023

This weeks beautiful money diarist will definitely restore your faith in humanity. After being financially abused by her parents for the first half of her life, and clawing her way out of $23,000 in debt, she now owns a home, and is the shared carer of her 16-year-old sister. This weeks money diarist, truly has one of the biggest hearts, you'll be inspired after listening to this one. Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements.The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money.

She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another one of our Money Diaries, which are my favorite episodes of the week, it is absolutely no secret, where I get the opportunity to talk to one of our incredible She's on the Money community members all about their journey. Let's jump straight into it because this week I got a message and it sounded like this. Hi, Victoria. My money story is a little grim. I was financially abused by my parents up until the age of 19 when I slowly started to cut them off. I worked full time and went to uni to get

my life back. I clawed my way out of $23,000 worth of debt. And when my grandmother passed away, I bought a house from her estate. I now work and study full time and have recently taken on a shared care role of my 16-year-old sister. Oh my gosh, money diarist. You just sound like the most special human being in the entire world. Oh, I don't feel that way. I don't feel very special. I feel like I've just done what I had to do and it's all worked out. You do what you do because you have to do it. I love that, but too many people don't step up to the plate and you did. I mean, I don't know nearly enough about your shared care role of your 16-year-old sister. I'm going to because I'm going to ask six million questions about it because that's what's so

great about money diaries. I could be pervy because you're anonymous. But that's where, you know, your sister could have ended up in the foster system. Like there are so many different outcomes. And when I say that you're a special human, like you are a special human because you stepped up. That's elite. And I think so many people in this situation or in similar situations always go, yeah, V, like I don't feel that special. Like I just did what I had to do. Do you know how many people don't do what they should do? Wild. But let's do a money story and a money diary because I am very excited to learn more about you. Money diarist, I always start the episodes with the same question. So let's begin there. I want to know what grade would you give

your money habits if I forced you to give them a grade from A through to F? I thought about this really hard because I think over the years, I feel like I've slid it properly between an F to an A. I think at the moment, I'd probably give myself a C plus. A C plus. All right, let's learn more about that. But first, I want to know, can you tell me a little bit more detail about your money story? So obviously, as I've mentioned, I was financially abused by my parents. I first got a job when I was 14 in hospitality, as many of us do. And some of my earliest memories is my parents turning around to me like, all right, cool, let's go pick up your paycheck. So it was all cash in hand. And it was just like, I would maybe get 50 bucks out of it. We weren't talking

much, maybe 200 bucks to start off with. I'd be getting paid because I was working in school at same time of course but it sort of went to their hands first for the betterment of the family so I'm one of seven oh wow so there's a few of us lurking around the responsibility sort of fell on me my eldest brother just wasn't really in the picture at home so yeah I was always caring for my siblings made to feel really guilty if I didn't hand over any money or anything like that like I was selfish for wanting to keep it for myself or we need it for this or there's bills coming up or there's a school camp or there's this. And I felt like a ledge. I always felt like I was the person that everyone leaned on. And so that sort of had carry on effects in

itself. So from that, obviously having a really rough sort of childhood and growing up, we came from places where we had lots of money sometimes and then didn't. My parents are both addicts, both alcoholics, so really struggled with that side of things as well. And that sort of really exasperated the ups and the downs. Yeah, wow. way to be much worse than what they were. So I moved out of home at 16. I was still giving money to my parents at this point in time. My first thing I did was get on Centrelink and then that was taken as well. I was getting more money, going to school, just really doing my best. And then from there, working in hospitality, I managed to find my way into $23,000 worth of debt.

Which makes sense when all of your income is being taken off you. Yeah. So I moved states a couple of times. I moved from WA to Tasmania and then back again and just sort of floated around. Didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to do. I only anything like that. And in that time, my grandmother got really sick. So she was probably the only stable person in my life for all of my life. She was very financially literate, was always like, got to put extra money in your super, I got to do this. If I was in a really bad situation where I needed money, she was the first person to be like, you just come to me, you talk to me, we can figure it out. I love that. She was a very special person. She went a lot to me and

she didn't always just hand me solutions. She didn't always just give me money. It was always like, all right, cool. How do we get out of this? How do we avoid this in the future? Oh, she had your best interests at heart always. I love this. I love that you had that human in your life. She really did. So, yeah, she unfortunately passed away in 2020, so that was a really long battle with cancer for her.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It was coming for a really long time and I think it was a lot harder to watch her be sick than it was to lose her because seeing her lose who she was was far more impactful than, yeah. So I purchased a house out of her estate. she was quite financially literate so her partner was left with everything which was always the plan according to others in the family that was not the plan that was not discussed so when I purchased the house I was told that I was stealing everyone else's inheritance was threatened with lawyers

which I knew they didn't have the money to engage which was sort of a bit of confidence you were kind of like good luck thank you bye but yeah it was really stressful especially with my grandmother being sick I think that was sort of one of the bigger reasons that I didn't speak to my parents anymore, among other reasons, just what was happening with the kids, just not watching them be able to be parents, seeing them go through what I went through. It was really difficult to interact with them. Yeah. Yeah. So that was a bit spicy. The year after my grandmother passed, I decided to start studying. So I'm a full-time student at the moment. At the time I was part-time, I studied urban and regional planning and I also work full-time now. So after

my first year, I decided to be a bit ambitious and just go for graduate roles anyway. I was really lucky that someone hired me. Oh my gosh. I love this so much. Get it. Thank you. Oh my gosh. I love that. Like if you don't ask, you don't get right. So I've been there for a year now and I've probably got about 18 months left to study. I've got nine units left. So I'm going to take those a little bit slower than I have been. Yeah. Fair. I mean, you've already got the job, so take it slow, my friend. One. And they really love me. Yeah. Good. As they should. No, it's good. This year, about mid-year, things sort of started falling apart. So my sister phoned me up one day and said that she needed me to come get her. She was quite sick and needed to go to the doctors

and stuff like that. She had a really bad QTI. Yeah. She just had a lot of pain. It was like, mum said that she won't take me. There's always going to be different aspects of things, three sides to a story. Oh, of course. I know what I went through in that home. And you can empathise with it and go, all right, I see what your experience might have looked like. Yeah. So I went and picked her up and she sort of just unloaded on me. So she's herself been going through a really tough time. She hasn't been attending school for the last two years,

just has been getting herself into a little bit of trouble with boys and men and stuff like that, so a little bit undesirable. So I said, all right, that's it. That's the end of it. You're coming to stay with me. So I did that. See, that's the stepping up we're talking about. Sometimes you just have to do it.

Okay, you had to do it, but also some people don't. Can you please give yourself a little bit of credit? you're the sister you needed right yes I had such a great support system growing up with friends and my grandma and I know things will work out the way they're meant to work out but I had a lot of support so why should I not give that support to someone else I love that but like we're just going to work on giving you a little bit more credit this entire episode my love like so much credit where credit is due my therapist stoked all right well let me talk to her too tell me a little bit more about, so your sister has just moved in. When you say it's a, I guess, shared

care role, what does that actually look like for you? So she's 16. So obviously she still likes to hang out with her friends. Of course. So she was sort of living between places when she came to me anyway. I think being out of home has repaired her relationship with my parents a little bit as well. So she does go back home. She's also old enough, not that she should be making her own decisions, but she's going to anyway. Yes, of course. So there's really a lack of control that I have. If I could wrap her up in bubble wrap and keep her forever in my bedroom, I would. You would? Yeah, absolutely. At the moment, it looks mostly, I'd say like a four days with me, three days elsewhere.

I've gotten her enrolled in a school. She starts in a fortnight. Oh my gosh, that's so exciting. Yeah. So they're going to help her work towards a general education certificate, just so we can look at tastes and stuff like that. She's really interested in mechanics and it's just nice to see her have a new lease on life, really. Oh my gosh, that is so wholesome. I mean, I'm excited to learn more about your sister, but this episode, my friend is about you. So I need to pivot back to you, but it makes me so happy that she's back on track. So in your money story, you obviously wrote in and said, look,

I was financially abused by my parents up until the age of 19. You mentioned before, it's looked a lot like having your paychecks taken off you and, you know, not having the freedom that you should have had and you know essentially not being respected at all but how did that come to be is that kind of them going we desperately need the money and they don't realize they're doing that or is this a mindset that they're just in well you're my child if you made money that's my money like I'd love to know a little bit more about not how it happened because it's not anybody's fault but like how they seem to justify their behavior well it's definitely a discussion I've had with them since as well because it didn't happen to my elder brother he was two years older than me so he

was also working and he was also doing all these things and it seemed to fall a lot on me which I think was to do with me being in the house I think it came from a place of they were so desperate for money that that was the option and then the first time you ask is always going to be the scariest and then it gets easier after that so $50 turned into $100 turned into $250 turned into hundreds and thousands I genuinely couldn't even count how much was taken over the years and it was always we've got no food we need this we've got a bill coming in the power will be cut off the water will be cut off and there was points where it was I had to shower at a friend's house and it was always that it was so necessary for me to do this because if we didn't bad things

would happen they come from a place where they didn't have a lot of money growing up either so anytime we got anything in it was spent immediately I remember when mum got a baby bonus one year when the government bought out the $1,000 to have a baby. As soon as that hit her account, it was spent. We went to Kmart, we bought some bits, we bought some snacks. I remember I bought some hair dye and that was like a little treat. And it was just, as soon as it came in, it went. And whether that was Bill's food or other, or if it was on substances and alcohol, it was just completely gone. I'm so sorry that you've been through that, but it's always interesting how people justify that and how they look back on it.

is this a conversation that you've now had with your parents like are you in contact with them now or have you just decided that that's not for you I am now for the sake of my sister only because I have to be I'm older now so like I'm 26 I've been out of the house for 10 years anytime we did converse it was an argument and it was like yelling screaming pushing like it got really really aggravated really quickly and a lot of that didn't happen a lot of ghosting me into no, we didn't do that. It wasn't like that. You're interpreting wrong. You don't look at it this way. So a lot of just telling me that that wasn't how it happened. And I'm fine to sit there and say that, hey, your experience might've been different to mine, but you're not going to negate on my

experience either. Of course not. And at the end of the day, as much as you were 15, you know, 14, 15, 16, you're still a child. It's not a child's responsibility to run the family home. It was the parents' responsibility to step up and get a new role or tackle their substance abuses or, you know, cut back on alcohol. Like there are so many different factors at play that this wasn't actually your problem to solve. And I think a lot of the time when you are 14, 15, 16, you can be persuaded into this idea that, well, you're an adult now, like you can, you know, contribute to the bills.

And I do believe that there is a healthy way to do that. Like, you know, I've spoken to people on the show before who live with a single mum and they're like, no, no, no, I've been contributing to bills since I had an income because I just really wanted to support mom. And it was my idea. And, you know, it's a beautiful conversation, but that's not the conversation we're having here. And I think that sometimes in situations like this, the parents, I guess, persuade themselves into going, but that's what was happening, right? Like they just wanted to contribute to the household. And it's like, well, I'm a child and I should still have the ability to grow up. And, you know, at the end of the day,

make some decisions on my own, learn my own money story, not have it taken away. So it honestly breaks my heart that you were in that position. But this idea that you completely clawed your way out of $23,000 worth of debt. Okay. So you got into debt. It makes absolute sense how you got there. I cannot empathize more. How did you get out of $23,000 debt? Well, so basically you're 18 and then ComBank sends you a letter and they say, here you go, you're eligible for a credit card and so I took out one and then I took out two and then it was a personal loan to cover that debt I was traveling at the time so I'd moved sort of states I was flying around and seeing friends travel was definitely something that I value couldn't tell

you what I spent the money on now but that's a different story I'm not asking that that doesn't matter so it became a bit of a game it was like all right so repayments of this I remember getting calls in the middle of the week at work and it'd be like all right you have a major minimum repayment for this amount of time I think I just hit a point where I was like no I'm not doing this anymore so I started hitting my minimum repayments and I was like oh I can actually pay more than this I'm putting money into savings I can pay $50 I can pay $100 and I think towards the end of paying off the debt I was paying off $900 a week oh my gosh no you weren't yeah that's so much money it was just really fun to see that number drop to not have anyone ring me and to have

control over the situation again it snowballs right like once you're close to the end of a debt repayment journey, you just end up throwing so much at it because you're like, go away, go away. Like, it just feels like it's so much more impactful, right? Like, it's crazy how much gratification you get out of that. Yeah, I think that's probably my biggest accomplishment is getting out of that because it wasn't easy and it was something that I really had to learn for myself. Oh, I love it so much. All right, let's get back on track with the questions because I like to go rogue, but we can't be too rogue. Tell me now, you said that you're working full-time, what do you do for work and how much money do you earn? So I am a graduate planning officer.

So I work in urban and regional planning space in a local government. So making decisions on development in the area. I got a pay rise this week, actually. So I'm on a $65,872. I'm super on top of that as well. Oh my gosh. Super on top of that. I love how specific you are too. Most people would say, oh, I'm on 65 or I'm on 66, but you're like, no, I'm on $65,875. And then I also get super contributions. I'm probably going to argue with you at the end of this episode about that C plus you gave yourself before, because no one's that financially literate, you know? Like, I just feel like you don't give yourself enough credit. That is so exciting. You mentioned before that you got out of debt. Tell me about what your current big money goals are. Like,

what are you currently working towards? I had this really grand idea that I wanted to own four houses for 430. Oh, big dog. I like that. We love big goals. I think if anything I've learned over the years is that I can literally do anything. I've just got to actually work at it. So yeah, I'd really love to have four houses before 30 and be an ethical landlord. So be able to give the option to people like single mothers and stuff like that and have a choice if there's applications in front of me where I can say that someone is struggling or might not be looked at favorably and I can say yes to that. I love that. See, at the start, you know, I was like, you're such a special human being and you're like, no, I'm not. All right, well, just keep

digging your hole, that's fine. Money Diaries, let's go to a really quick break. And on the flip side, I want to ask you about your investments, your debts, what this plan to actually get into for investment properties before you're 30 looks like, and your best and worst money habits. So guys, don't go anywhere. All right, we are back. Money Diaries, I am so excited to learn a little bit more about you and your journey. But I actually want to start with investments do you have any investments if so what are they if not what's the plan so obviously I've mentioned I'd like to invest in houses and stuff like that at the moment I don't have any additional investments at all I don't have a spaceship I have my super so super at the

moment is sitting in around 42 grand so with work they do 11% to start off with I contribute six and then they match me with that six as well so I think that puts me up at 23% at the moment which is really cool really exciting because we're really seeing that grow at the moment i'm sorry just reminding everybody that you said you're a c plus yet you're here with such clarity on what you earn and you're contributing 23 to super but okay i'll just go back to my hole no worries and then i also have a thousand dollars in spaceship oh so you do have some investments you said i don't have anything else and then you're like i have a thousand dollars in spaceship and i also have a plan to buy four houses before i'm 30 that's an investment plan my friend that's

exactly what you've got there. It feels really small at the moment. It's like savings, you know what I mean? It's like baby savings. I'm sorry. Are you here on literally the She's on the Money show comparing your journey to that of others after I've told you literally for the past nearly five years not to do that? Wild, but okay. I just want to sit you down and be like, do you know how good you are? Like, do you know how great this is? Like, there are honestly going to be people listening to this and being like, wow, look at the journey she's been on. You know, she got out of this circumstance at age 19. She was in a mass amount of debt. Now you're getting your life back together. You're working and studying and honestly slaying it. And you're here going,

well, it's not very good in comparison to other people. Yet at such a young age, you are contributing 23% to super. Like this to me is just wild. Like it's so inspiring. It's so beautiful. But my favorite part about this is you're not going to become your parents because you have such clarity on what your future looks like. And I think that that is like the best thing out of this whole journey. Like you can quite clearly articulate why you don't want to be them and you haven't said that, but it's quite clear that you're crafting this journey that wasn't shown to you. You're crafting your own journey and putting yourself in this position and you've done it yourself. Like, do you know how many people are in the same position as you

because of privilege? Because they've actually been fed all of this information. They've been told to, you know, contribute more to super by their parents. They've been given a leg up. They've been given all these opportunities and they've maybe dragged their feet for a few years because uni life is fun and why not bother failing a few times? And there's no judgment on that, but I don't think you're giving yourself nearly enough credit. No, thank you. You are out of debt, but I do want to ask, do you have any debts? If so, what are they? If not, what's the plan to stay out of debt except for like mortgages and stuff moving forward? So, I have one mortgage at the moment, which is my primary residence. So, I owe $255,000 on the

house. Estimates from the bank put it at about $350,000. Real estate markets put it about $520,000. Oh, very nice. Not too sure. That and then I have my HECS debt as well. So, my HECS debt is currently $14,000. I'm in my second year. I've got nine units left. So, probably going to go up a little bit, but don't expect it to go more than $30,000. I love that. Now, tell me a bit more about this plan to own four houses before the age of 30. So you're one down, which I mean, that's literally 25% towards this goal. So that's amazing. But what's the plan for the next house? Is this something that you're looking at in the near future? Like how are you planning on purchasing

this house and getting the next step? So I'm sort of halfway between at the moment. Obviously, my mortgage is quite low. My borrowing capacity isn't quite maxed out at the moment. So I obviously need to start earning more money to have a higher borrowing capacity. I would like to use equity from my house that I have. The focus at the moment is just paying down as much of the mortgage as I can. So smashing that out. So I've got a little bit more wiggle room with what I could do next. I also have a partner. So we've been together for two and a half years now. We've definitely considered buying and it's something that he's looking at doing independently of me. So it's just sort of the way that timing works out with my sister, with the house and with him

buying on how we sort of do things and approach things in the future. So I don't really have a solid plan in place, but have got a few different options that I'm just happy to explore and see how things work out. No, I really like that. I think it's solid, but it's also really reasonable given the position you're in. It makes a lot of sense. Money Diarist, you got out of $23,000 worth of debt. I feel like you might have a few cheeky good money habits. My friend, what are your best money habits, do you think? I think as mentioned before, my best money habit is just saying debt and bills is a game to play. So I'm ahead on all of my bills at the moment. water electricity gas all of it I like just putting that little bit extra so if the bill

comes in at 270 I'm like all right let's do 350 and let's just up that and keep on going so paying forward and sort of buying myself a little bit of security in future and it's definitely how I treat debt as well so it's nice seeing the numbers go down and uh so yeah just have a little bit of fun with it I don't think I've heard it on a money diary before of seeing your debt and bills as a game. Like that's actually very cool and definitely a mindset I can subscribe to. I think that that makes a lot of sense. You can gamify it. I'm in. Like debt and bills, not sexy. You tell me it's a game. I want to play. Like, can we play? How do I do it? I'm in. No, but that's great. I love that mindset. Let's bring the mood down though. We always do this every single episode. I build you

up and then I'm like, babe, what are your worst money habits? Share with the team. I am impulsive, like really really impulsive so if I see something and I'm like oh you deserve a little treaty tea you best believe I'm buying myself a little treat and it could be anything from you deserve it a little outfit for my cat to really expensive haul at Mecca I'm ready sign me up I'm sorry you just said two of my favorite things cat outfits and hauls at Mecca like I'm sorry you were meant to give me bad things things that weren't attractive what you've given me is inspiration yes yeah so you're telling me that I can see my debt and bills as a game. Can I see cat outfits as a game? Is that an option? Only if you like collecting them all though, you know, we need one for every

holiday season. He hates little outfits, but I love them. He looks so cute. Side note, my cat Bailey has a pumpkin hat and it's my favorite thing in the entire world. It's like a tiny pumpkin hat that you put on top of his head and it has a little elastic that goes in front of his ears. And the best part about it is he doesn't try to shake it off. He just looks at you like, is this what I'm meant to do with my life now mum and you're like yes little pumpkin boy like this is a treat for two people too it's for me and my cat like I'm sharing my money that's very kind of me money diarist it has come almost to the end of the episode and my last question is always now that we've talked do you think that the grade of c plus is actually reflective

of where you are. But before I ask you that, I kind of want to go through what we've learned from you. I mean, you wrote in this beautiful money diary about, you know, how your money story started off really grim and you, you know, went through this financially abusive relationship with your parents. You were in significant amounts of debt, but you're now in this position where you work as a grad planning officer because you hustled your way into that job. Like not even because you've graduated because you were like, I'm just going to apply. I'm probably going to, do well at this. And everybody else agreed. You've just got to pay rise. You contribute 23% to super. You literally said, and I wrote it down because I loved it so much. You said,

I can do anything. I just have to work at it. And it made me go, yes, you can. I adore that so much. You have these really clear goals of going, all right, I really want to own four houses by the time I'm 30. I'm 25% there. Like here's the plan. You know, I haven't got rocks in my head. This is how I'm going to achieve it. You're talking about using your borrowing capacity to buy more and understanding fully that you need more of a borrowing capacity to get there. You also want to talk about using the equity in your current property. You talked about how we're gamifying bills and debt. And also the stuff that I was talking about at the start, how you're a really special human for taking on a shared care role of your 16-year-old sister. Now, could you

tell me if that sounds like the money habits of somebody who is a C plus? Well, when you put it like that, I just told you what you told me back, but like, I haven't changed the words. I haven't changed the story. I can, but I don't think it's even worth it. Cause like, what would you grade that person's money habits? Look, I think we're very quick to downplay what we do. And when you lay it all down like that, I think I'm doing very well for myself. I'm very proud of myself. and it's moments like this which actually make you sit and take a breather and be like wow I've accomplished so much in such a short period of time I sort of went into it thinking I don't know maybe I'd feel like a B I genuinely feel like I'm an A at the moment you are you are an A exactly

when you said C plus I was like okay like let's learn more about that I had heard like a tiny bit of your story the more I learned I think that we had listeners and you know whoever's listening to this going like Victoria's right. She's not a C plus. And if you listen to money diaries, there are times where I'm like, no, I'm not going to argue with the money diarist. Like if they say that they feel like that's where they're at, I'm not going to argue with them because I think mindset is really important, but you can't tell me the story that you just told me and then expect me to swallow a C plus my love. Like that's just, I'm so sorry. It's just not going to happen. But you are correct. I think you are absolutely an A. I was going to give you an A plus, but

we can settle on an A because I think there's always, always, always room for improvement, even if we say that we're an A plus. But holy moly, I'm so proud of you and the journey that you have been on. I'm going to gift you actually our budgeting cashflow masterclass because I know you said you're a little bit impulsive. I'm also a little bit impulsive and I created that plan to kind of hopefully cap my impulsiveness. We can put the cat outfits into the budget. We are still trying to live our lives. We are definitely making sure that those things are included because you're right, we all do deserve a treaty treat. But I genuinely think that that might help you feel a little bit more empowered and feel like you're taking control of that journey of

yours. Because often when it comes to things like this, where you're like, look, I've got a plan, but like getting it down on paper or getting it into a system can make you go, wow, I am actually killing it at this. And you give yourself even more credit. So I'm going to gift that to you so that you can do that. Hopefully when you have a little bit of free time, which I don't think you have between looking after your sister, studying and working. But like, you know, it's aspirational for me. Thank you so much, honestly. But unfortunately, my friend, I think that is all we have time for today. So thank you for being so open. Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for being you. As I said at the start, you are a special human being. And I don't want

you to forget that. And I want you to give yourself more credit. Thank you so much for haven't we? Of course. The advice shared on She's on the Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of MoneySherpa PTY LTD ABN 321 649 27708 AFSL 451 289.