She's On The Money - MONEY DIARY: A Force To Be Reckoned With

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

This young Money Diarist has been through it all. Growing up, her dad got her family into debt. After her brother passed away, her father left and all of a sudden her Mum had to juggle work, study and raising a young family alone. Mum provided a model of stepping up to do whatever it takes! Due to an assault she was unable to finish year 12, and she recently left an abusive relationship that was also financially abusive. Last year was scammed out of her first car savings! But she is now debt free, in full time work and is a force to be reckoned with. You will love hearing her inspirational story! This episode contains discussion of sexual assault, please listen to another episode if this is a difficult topic for you. And if you or anyone you know needs support reach out to 1800Respect Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money.

She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's On The Money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another one of our money diaries where we get to talk with one of our beautiful She's On The Money community members all about their journey. Before we jump into this episode, I just want to give you a little bit of a content warning. Today we are going to be discussing sexual assault and abuse. So if that is a topic that you don't want to dive into today, we have a million more episodes that you could dive into right now, so feel free to run away. But if you're going to stay, let's jump straight into it.

We got a message this week and it went like this. Hi, Victoria. Growing up, my dad made lots of bad money decisions and got our family into debt. Then my brother passed away and my father left my mum when I was five years old. All of a sudden, mum had to juggle work, study and raising my sister and I on her own. She'd always encouraged us to connect with our feelings, depend on each other, and is a model of stepping up and doing whatever it takes. Due to an assault, I was unable to finish year 12, and I've recently left an abusive relationship that was also financially abusive. Last year, I was scammed out of my savings for my first car, but now I'm debt-free, have paid off my first car, I work full-time, have a side hustle and I'm looking to study soon.

I've learned so much from She's On The Money and I cannot wait to share my story. Money Diarist, how is it that you've gone through all of this and you're only 22 years old? It's definitely been a journey, I guess. Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. I feel like there's such a pivot in that story of this just you know reading it I go far out this woman has been through so much and then it's just like oh and I also paid this off and I work full-time and guess what I have a side help like I'm just so proud of you already and I haven't even heard the whole story oh thank you last year was definitely a turning point where I sort of put the armor on and I was like no we're gonna

try and go in a different direction this year oh my gosh no I love this for you congratulations All right, well, let's dive straight in. The first question I want to ask is what grade would you give your money habits if I asked you to give yourself a grade from A through to F? Probably like a C plus, I think. A C plus? Yeah. All right, let's start there. But my favorite question of the entire episode, I want to know, can you tell me a little bit more about your money story? So it was off to a rocky start as a kid with dad leaving mum. I was brought up in these two opposite worlds where with dad, money was always tight and there was always this

anxiety around money. But on the other hand, he would live this really luxurious life and go to the market and spend hundreds of dollars on food and buy expensive clothes so it just didn't make sense to me even as a six or seven year old if money's so tight why are you spending why are you living like this and it also made me feel really guilty about what I cost as a child like my education must cost a lot and my school uniforms must just be putting dad under so much pressure even as an eight-year-old I was thinking that but then with mum obviously dad took a majority of the family money and the business and everything so mum had to figure out how to work after 10 years being a stay-at-home mum how to manage a family home

and even though I thought things were tied at mum's, she never made us feel guilty for that. I feel like that's a really challenging place for an eight-year-old to be in. Like an eight-year-old shouldn't be worried about money in that way. Like I think there's educating your kids on money, but then there's also that guilt associated and that shouldn't have been the case for you. Like that breaks my heart that, you know, you're going to school

and you're like, oh my gosh, is my uniform putting my dad under pressure? like that that's just a burden that an eight-year-old shouldn't have to carry do you feel like that has extended into your adult life like do you feel like those things maybe why you want to be so fiercely independent absolutely I I just think now thinking back it's it's crazy that an eight-year-old would be so hyper aware of how much things cost and feeling guilty about just the general cost of me being alive. And I think also being in a really anxious state around money with dad has caused me to be quite anxious and panicked with finances. Yeah, absolutely. All right. I want to ask, and I hope that I'm not overstepping here,

but in your letter, you said my brother passed away. Can you tell me a little bit about your brother yeah so he was born the first of us three children back in 1992 and he was born severely disabled and had epilepsy so I can't even imagine what that would have been like for mum and dad my brother being the first child born but also in the 90s where no one really knew what was wrong with him and there wasn't like the disability support pension mom just had to go through so much red tape to get a ramp to the front door so she could get her son in and then he passed away when he was four so still before I was born and just yeah I just can't imagine what my parents went through with that but even though he passed away before I was in the family mom still was

adamant that you know he's your brother he's a part of this family it doesn't matter that you never met him you're still really close and you're a part of this family too oh my gosh that makes my heart so full to know that he wasn't forgotten I don't know I just feel like sometimes that that can be a trauma that people go through that they'd prefer not to talk about but bringing him back into the family I mean he would have been 30 now that's wild to think about that you know for 30 years you guys have known your brother and I just I think that's so wildly special to be able to still honor that do you still celebrate him day to day like do you celebrate his birthday or like what do you guys get up to absolutely so we um he would have turned 30 last December and obviously

We were, mum especially was really upset and it was a difficult time, but we gathered as a family and we shared the burden and not even being upset that he passed away, obviously, but celebrating his memory still living on. And when I have kids, they're going to know that they have an uncle and he's still a part of the family and they still have that connection to him. That makes my heart so happy. I'm so glad to hear that. And I think that it's one of those things where often people will say things in passing or maybe not often. And I hope it's not often that people talk about siblings or family members that have passed away. But I just think it's

so important that we ask and instead of just glossing over it, oh, wow, your brother passed away. I guess that's a trauma we shouldn't uncover. But just like, who were they? How old were they? What was their name? Like, do we still celebrate them? What does that look like? I think it's just so important to also help their memory still live on. Like your face lights up when you talk about him and you've never even met him. Like that makes me just so happy to know that that's part of your journey. But I guess to bring it back to what we're talking about, do you think that that then played into maybe some of the bad money decisions that your dad might have been making?

It's hard because he wasn't the best parent, but I still feel... He's still your dad. Yeah, like I still love him and I can understand why he did certain things or the behaviours he continues to do. So I think having that firstborn son and not being able to like go out and kick the footy or like do typical dad and son things, it really got to him. I feel like that would get to anybody. so then growing up obviously your mum juggled work and study and raising your sister tell me a bit about your mum I want to know how she managed that I feel like single parents do not get the credit that they deserve how did that then I guess impact you now as an adult my mum is a boss she's

like my biggest fan my biggest support and I look back on what she did and I'm just in awe she had no financial education and hadn't worked for so many years and all of a sudden she's got two kids that are fully dependent on her and she's lost a child as well lost her family and she's gone out there went to TAFE and got a degree she started working and um all the while supporting us through study and like with, you know, having two girls going through puberty is such a difficult situation by itself, let alone having all those extra vulnerabilities behind her. But she just, she always encouraged us to feel our emotions and connect with each other. Nothing's too big that we can't solve. And so I think I've taken that from her when things are

really really shit and really low let's feel it let's just sit with it and then what are we going to do about it how can we solve this I love that I feel like that's really good advice I want to know more about you though so talk to me what do you do for work how much money do you earn So I work in the justice system in the domestic violence unit and I earn, well, $1,758 comes into my bank account every fortnight. And then I also have a side hustle that brings in $380 a month. Oh, what's your side hustle? How do you get into that?

I, so I just clean like people's houses around my neighbourhood a couple of times a fortnight. I love that. I feel like that's such a good side hustle. And is it a bit flexible given you're working and, you know, busy doing life? Yeah, it's so flexible. Like I can work weekends or before work in the morning sometimes. So, and I really like cleaning. It's so satisfying. So why not get paid for it? I do have a question though. Do you like cleaning other people's places or just cleaning in general? Because I feel like I remember going to friends' places and being happy to help them clean their room, but like there's no chance I would do that at home. I like cleaning my house. It's the folding that I cannot stand in mine. Like my laundry will just

stay on my bed for like three weeks. Yeah, same, same. I am clean, but I'm not tidy. And I think there's a very big difference between those two things and I'm happy to embrace it. But a very clean person, just not a tidy person. So are my clothes everywhere? Yes. But is my shower sparkling at all times? Absolutely it is because I have an obsession with Domestos, but we can talk about that at another stage. Marnie Durrist, I want to know a bit more about this career of yours because you said earlier that due to an assault, you were unable to finish year 12, but it sounds like you've got a pretty cool job. So can you tell me a little bit more, I guess, about not finishing year 12 and then finding yourself in the role that you're in? Because that sounds like a pretty

special job. Yeah, so it's a lot of things have happened since I left year 12. I was quite studious and I loved learning and I had big plans to go to university and save the world. But towards the start of year 12 I had my drink spiked and I um was sexually assaulted and I knew that if I tried to stay at school and put up the the mask that I I wasn't going to make it in school or in life in general so I had to make a really difficult decision with my mum and my sister helping me but I had to choose to leave Year 12 to basically take care of myself and get through this horrendous experience that just turned my whole view of the world and trust in the world and in people.

It just turned it on its head and I really needed to process that before I could study and work towards that career. how are you so strong because the way you've just articulated that has like made me want to burst into tears and hug you at the same time as knowing that you are fiercely independent and really articulate and you work in this area where you're dealing with you know family violence having gone through a traumatic event yourself like how have you come out the other side because I think sometimes people go through these things and they just really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How are you doing? I guess it's coming up to the four year anniversary, I guess you'd

call it that. It's been a few years, but I've definitely been stuck in the deepest of pits. And sometimes all you need to do is sit with it with people you love and just give it the time and the space that it deserves I've seen a therapist every week for about three years so I'm the biggest advocate for mental health help and support and I guess my mum your mum sounds like a bloody legend she is like every time I'd cry or have a nightmare or have a flashback Like she was there and she never squished my feelings or invalidated me and she always trusted that I knew what I needed. Like I didn't go to the police and I didn't want to

and I still haven't. And even though that was hard for her because she wanted to bring these people to justice. Absolutely. That was something that I decided I didn't want and she 100% respected that. I love that because I feel like so often people just jump to wanting to, I guess, have a bit of a savior mentality. Like I really want to save you. And the best thing in the

entire world is for me to go to the police. And I know that that can be, you know, it's the right thing, right? And as somebody who has not gone through that, I, you know, can sit here and say, oh my gosh, I would absolutely go to the police. But you never know until you're in that circumstance and that can be a trauma in itself like that can be reliving it but not only reliving it but having it dragged out and having it criticized and analyzed and drawn through the courts and that it's actually okay to say no I don't want to go down that process and and sit with that and I also don't think that it is anybody else's responsibility to follow that up like you don't have a responsibility to do that and I think a lot of people feel that and you just don't so I'm just so proud of you

having gone through all of that and far out you've got your head screwed on and you dropped out of year 12 like what how good is that so talk to me what's next like what are you going to study like where's life going what do you want to do I'm obsessed with you I think I want to work in supporting domestic violence survivors I think that sexual assault was a big part of my story but I also I think a flow on from that was just not feeling worthy not feeling confident or like there's something inherently wrong with me for that to have happened and that landed me in like an abusive relationship which I got out of last year and he bled me dry with my savings and totally just got in my head like a parasite and cracked my sense of reality and my confidence

and trust in myself so I think now I'm just working on rebuilding the fact that I can save money and I don't need to feel guilty and it's not selfish and really trying to protect the money that I've worked really hard for rather than just trying to save like a bit of that savior complex with that guy that I was seeing. And so just really trying to build my self-confidence up and the fact that I'm independent, this is me, and I'm working on financial freedom for myself, not for a partner, which I think is excellent as well. But this is just me and I am worth the work that I put in for the money and also the work I put in to save that money. A hundred percent. You are far out, Brussels sprout. You are making me so insanely proud of

you. Like I just, I'm in awe. Like it's so impressive to see at 22, you just, you are wise beyond your years with mentality and mindset and the way that you're approaching this. And I think that I wish everybody could approach a situation like this. And your advice of like, sometimes you just have to sit with it is so relevant and so valid, especially right now, because I feel like so many people have gone through things or are going through things and like regardless of what it is like being able to just sit with it is something that is really uncomfortable right like it's not something we actually want to do and it's not something that is first nature it's something that you actually have to learn but it can be such a really important

part of your healing and a part of getting through it and obviously and I won't say you're okay but you are getting through it in the best possible way. And I can see that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. How did you gain the courage after going through all of that to be in a relationship and going, all right, well, this douchebag has bled me dry. What was the decision-making process around going, you know what, I'm out, like I'm leaving this relationship? It was really hard because he had weaseled his way into my head and isolated me from my family and friends, which is really scary because I'd like to think I have one of the closest relationships a mother and a daughter can have. And he got in between that. And I tried three times to leave and I ended up going back.

but I just remember thinking I don't know if this is too honest so please tell me but he asked me to take my Marina out because he didn't like contraception and he thought it was like unnatural and I just remember thinking oh my god can you I was imagining myself as a mother and my my children seeing like having him as a father and how that would affect my kids and just thinking oh my gosh I cannot bring kids into the world with this person and and then that sort of just it was like a sheet being taken off my eyes and I just looked at every single thing or every behavior that I was doing for him and realized that it was completely against my values it was delusional and I just could not live like this for another second and I think

like in domestic violence situations it's so hard because they isolate you and they make you think that you're going crazy and that you can't trust yourself and he would even pick on the way I did the dishes or my posture and I just couldn't do anything right. And that moment of thinking he wants to bring kids into the world with me, that was just too confronting. Yeah. Yeah. It's an interesting way of thinking about it, right? And I think that this can be true for a lot of people in relationships that are abusive and maybe they haven't realized that they're abusive or maybe it's just not the right person right we are so and this is so wrong this is so so wrong but we are so willing to compromise ourselves and our own happiness and

our own safety and ourselves but the second we start thinking would I do that for my children it's a different story right yeah and I think that that question can be and as I said confronting because you go oh my gosh that is absolutely not what I want to do like you know and I mean there's a whole overlay of him wanting to you to take out your marina like that is wildly messed up but I guess the part of this conversation we're talking about is would you have children with this man and would you be happy for them to be their dad and you go no and I think that the answer to that is the answer to should you be in that relationship anymore and I think that that can be a good question to ask because so many people justify relationships right like he's not

that bad or he's really nice or he's just going through like we justify everything but I think that can be a question that a lot of people aren't ready to know the answer to right yeah but oh my gosh and I want to know how are you feeling now because this is heavy like this is a lot to have gone through and like I now I'm in my 30s right and I think back to me being 22 years old and I'd just come out of a seven-year relationship and like it was an absolute mess but I look back and I go I was such a baby and you're you're 22 like to me you are so young and have so much ahead of you but have also lived so many lives are you okay what is going on with money diarist today oh I feel like a 50 year old some days I guess every day is different and it's

really hard because you have to well I felt like I had to build myself up from nothing again but then again I am so grateful and fortunate to have so many strong beautiful women my mum again gets a shout out like she I want to meet this woman she sounds like a actual legend she is an actual legend yeah I really hurt her when I chose my ex over her and I left and but the amazing woman took me back and she you know we had to mend that relationship but I I got through that time because I have really beautiful, strong people around me and there's just something, I don't know, something in me that it doesn't matter how bad it gets. I just can't give up. Like I just have to keep going. I love that. I love that so much. And I think that that's something I wish

we all had, right? Like no matter how hard it gets, I keep going. Like what an absolutely valuable personality trait to have. I feel like so many of us are like, oh my gosh, no, I just crawl into bed and I'm done. There are definitely days like that, don't worry. I'm so impressed. Let's go to a really quick break. And then after I actually want to deep dive a bit more into your money goals and what your habits are and whether you invest and what the plans are for the future. So guys, don't go anywhere. All right, Money Diaries, let's dive straight back in. Maybe a little lighter on this side of the episode though. Money Diarist, you're killing it. You are earning, you said $1,758 per fortnight,

which equates to about $55,000 a year, not taking into consideration superannuation. And then you said you earn $380 per fortnight-ish or per month, was it? I think it was per month doing cleaning because you're a little side hustler. I want to know, what are your big money goals? What are you working towards? I think I really want to just have stability in my finances and have the option of leaving a situation or leaving a job or a relationship that I don't want to be in anymore and having that financial buffer behind me. But I think the main money goal would be to buy a bit of property and like start my own garden and have my own house. That's the main one. And I also want to go to Italy with my mum next year.

Ah, a wholesome goal. I also, I'm loving this. You're like, I'm a 50 year old is what you said before the break. And now you're like, I want to start a garden and I want to go to Italy. I'm like, yep, we are the same person. We are 50 year olds trapped in younger bodies. Money Diarist, the next question I've got for you, I want to know about investments. Are you investing? If so, how? I'm not at the moment. I read about it and like I listen to the podcast, but I'm just, I'm a little bit scared to take the first step. I feel like that is so relatable, but also really normal. Like you don't have to take that step until you're absolutely ready to do it. And I think too many times people, I don't know, they take it too early and then they run

away from it and then they bury their head in the sand and don't pick it up for a few more years. so I'd much prefer it to take a little bit longer than for it to be turbocharged. So that is not the worst thing in the world. The next question, I don't think you do, but do you have any debts? If so, what are they? No, I don't at the moment. I had a five grand debt for my car, but I paid that off within a couple months. And yeah, other than that, I'm planning to study next year, so I'll have a HECS debt then. And you're planning on studying psychology, is that right? Psychology or social work. I'm still not sure which one. Epic. All right. Next question I've got for you. I want to know,

I feel like your mum's taught you a lot here. What is your best money habit? Oh, I think I use an app on my phone called Spendy. Oh, I don't think I've heard of this one. I love it like you can sort it's just tracking all your your spending in your income and you can sort it into categories and have different tags on them so if I want to know how much I've spent on gas water and electricity I'll just go into that category and see the spending in the last 12 months so I think even if I don't stick to my budget I'll still put every single dollar I spend in that app. That's really powerful. Too many times, and I say this all the time on the

podcast, so many of us are able to articulate how much comes into our account, but we don't know what goes out and being in control of that is where financial freedom starts. So where did this come from? Who gave you this recommendation of this spendy app or is this something you've just always done? I think listening to She's On The Money and reading your book on the cash flow, like I had no idea where all my money was going and it just all felt like a tornado and I was in the middle. And so I thought, no, I'm going to just start seeing where it's going. And then once we know what we have, we know what we can work with and what we can work towards, I guess. Love, how do you feel now you know what you have and what you're working towards in comparison to

being in the middle of a tornado. So empowered. I love it. That's exactly what we want to hear. And I was definitely leading you down the garden path to say that. Let's flip this on its head though. I want to know what is your worst money habit? What are you not so good at? I find it really difficult to, I don't know, because I had no money and quite bad like behaviors and giving it away or just getting rid of it now I'll save like 75% of my paycheck and leave off like all my expenses are really low and I feel guilty if I like buy myself a skirt for work or like go out for a nice dinner I think yeah like that guilt around spending money and feeling like I'm doing what I used to do I think that's probably the worst money habit because I

don't really feel that proud of myself for the savings I do have it's just like oh well you could have had more if you didn't do this this and this those years ago no that's so detrimental and we say it all the time when we're talking to diarists I feel like once we start to become educated, one of the detrimental things about education is that we want to overlay it over our past. We want to look at the education that we have today and go far out like I did this wrong and this wrong and this wrong. Whereas past you, she was just doing the best that she could with the tools and resources she had at the time. And it's nice to look back and go far out. I could have, but in reality you didn't and that's okay and we can't change that. And I think it's really

about acknowledging, hey, we can't change the past. We can't, you know, change what you would have saved for or what education would have done for you back then. But what we can do is reinvent our money story for the future. And we can actually put ourselves in the best possible position. And it's not constructive in any way, shape or form to be saying things like that to ourselves because it just makes us feel like trash, right? Like when you do that, you're like, oh my gosh, I'm not celebrating how far I've come. And I mean, if I took you, let's say four years ago and said, all right, look at money Darius today. Oh my gosh. Imagine how proud she would be of what you've achieved. She'd be in awe of everything that you're doing and the job and

the side hustling and the savings and the planning. Like imagine that circumstance instead of what if, and I think that we can really reframe what success looks like because sometimes we get into this I guess groove of it not being enough or not being consistent enough but it's so enough like you're killing it and I'm just oh I'm so proud of you earlier you gave us a money score and now we've gone through all of this like I'm just so proud of you to know that you're saving and you you know you're on cash flow you've read my book you have your spendy app you had a car loan you paid it off. You are planning to study. Do you think that the score you gave yourself at the start of the episode is accurate or maybe do you think you're being a little bit harsh on

yourself in any way, shape or form? Harsh on myself? That's so not like me. Yeah, I think I was definitely being a bit harsh on myself. Today, I added a little bit to my savings and it clicked over to $14,000. No, it didn't. That's so exciting. Yeah. I feel like maybe a B would be. A little bit more appropriate. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to give you an A. I just feel like you deserve it. You're a queen and $14,000 saved at 22. Holy moly. I was in more debt than that. Like at 22, I think I had close to 40, just over 40,000. I need to go find that statement because I think people would find it interesting. But I was in $40,000 worth of personal debt at that age because I just didn't have a financial education. I had no idea. So knowing where you

are, I'm just so proud. I'm so proud of everything that you've done, everything that you've been willing to share with us. I just feel like this story is not only going to teach people a lot, but I think it's also going to give a lot of people in our community the permission to just sit with their feelings, which I think is just so important. And I'm so grateful that you've shared that. So Money Diarist, unfortunately, that's all we have time for today. But thank you for your story and for spending some time with me. I'm just, I'm so forever grateful. Thank you so much, Victoria. It's been a blessing to be on the show. the advice shared on she's on the money is general in nature and does not consider your

individual circumstances she's on the money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision if you do choose to buy a financial product read the pds tmd and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs. Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN 321 649 27708 AFSL 451 289.