She's On The Money - Respecting Your Friend's Savings Goals

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

FOMO often leads us to spending more than we anticipated, and at times, more than we have in our bank accounts. Now is the time to ask yourself, are you surrounding yourself with people who are supporting your financial goals? Are you supporting your friends with theirs? We're diving into the startling stats of money spent around the wrong friends, and what a financially toxic friendship looks like. Acknowledgement of Country By Natarsha Bamblett aka Queen Acknowledgements. The advice shared on She's On The Money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances. She's On The Money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision. If you do choose to buy a financial product, read the PDS, TMD and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards your needs.  Victoria Devine and She's On The Money are authorised representatives of Money Sherpa PTY LTD ABN - 321649 27708,  AFSL - 451289.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, my name is Natasha Nabanunga-Bamblett. I'm a proud Yorta Yorta, Kernai, Wolperi and Awadjeri woman. And before we get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of which this podcast is recorded on Awadjeri country, acknowledging the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through. As this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and the storytelling of you to make a difference for today and lasting impact for tomorrow. Let's get into it. She's on the money.

She's on the money. Hello and welcome to She's On The Money, the podcast for millennials who want financial freedom. My name is Bec Syed and with me today, as always, is Victoria Devine. I'm lucky. Damn it. Just kidding. Well, thank you for having me. I'm very grateful. As personal as your money story and savings journey is, the people we surround ourselves with, Bec, actually have a really big impact on how we feel about money and how we spend and save.

So I decided, I don't know if you're in for this, but you're going to want to be, sit down. Today, we're going to be talking all about how to respect your friend's savings and financial goals. I'm really excited about this one, to be honest with you, because I feel like it's going to be useful for a lot of people, including myself. I agree. Including my friends. Do you know what? I watch a lot of TikToks. We've talked about this on the show six million times before, but I've just seen so many TikToks recently where, you know how you can stitch a video. So someone's video starts and then somebody else jumps in with their opinion. And I've just seen so many of those recently because I'm obviously on the money side of TikTok

of people essentially. And I don't think if you called them out and said you're shaming somebody else's financial goals, they'd agree with you. But your personal opinion should not come into play when we're talking about Beck's financial goals. Yes. Like Beck, you could ask me how I think and how I feel and what that means. And we can have an open, honest conversation. But if you say, hey V, I'm saving for X and I'm really excited about it. I have no right to turn around and be like, ah, that's not worth it. So we're going to talk about it today because I just think that people don't necessarily need to be put back in their boxes. Totally. Like it's not like you're doing the wrong thing. But I think sometimes we can accidentally like, you know, not respect our

friends' savings or financial goals by accident. And this is just a really good reminder and conversation that I think can make people feel a lot more empowered when it comes to money conversation. Totally. And we do get asked this all the time in our money dilemmas and get DMs about this. It manifests usually in bill splitting, gift expectations, all those little things in life that cause conflict and awkwardness, to be honest, with your nearest and dearest, your friends, your family. It can be very awkward. We are not going to delve into this right now, but after the break, we are going to go into the top signs. You may be in a financially toxic friendship. Red flags, red flag. But before that, I want to ask you about your experience in your own life.

I had it a lot when I was young. Do you know what? I still have it now. And it's not a bad thing. I would say that I'm surrounded by beautiful friends and family who all respect my financial goals and what's going on. But I feel like I do just have these like really ingrained memories of, you know, me saying no to things and having to like work myself up to tell a friend like oh no sorry I can't come to that weekend festival because I can't afford it or whatever it is and then them being like oh why not it's only $300 a ticket or whatever and it just made me feel so icky and awkward and like I totally get that my friend they weren't trying to shame me or be rude or be mean they were just trying to like involve me because they wanted me there and that's so nice and so

kind and all of that. And you try to see both sides of the story. Totally. But I think that that underlying, I guess, anxiety that I got was because I was scared of being shamed and scared of people telling me that my financial goal wasn't as important as this thing that they were going to do. And even now, as, you know, a financially secure adult, some of the, you know, financial decisions I make get looked upon by some people that we know and they go, why would you do that? like you know we bought a house that's fantastic but then financial decisions after that people like oh really but don't you have a mortgage you're like oh like you don't know the breadth of our financial situation or how much we've saved for that holiday or done whatever so I

don't think it's exclusive to not having enough money I think that in general people love to have opinions on your life and what's going on and that doesn't necessarily make them right but I think that in a way we do need to sometimes put blinkers on and just go well what is important to me like what are the things that are going to make me flourish and thrive and feel like my best self and we need to put ourselves first yes I completely agree and I had very similar experiences with this kind of thing as well like I think for me I just get a lot of FOMO I also find I used to get heaps of FOMO too yeah I get so much FOMO and I don't know if this is like at all relevant but back in the day when my friends would want to go out and do things I didn't have enough money to even go

and do the things that they wanted to do but also just going out every day with like a new outfit I couldn't afford new clothes I couldn't afford different things to wear so I'd go out in the same clothes and I'd feel insecure about that I'd feel insecure about not being able to go out and spend big money like all these little things and I'm like you know sometimes it's easier to stay I don't know how to tell you this your friends don't care about your new clothes and I think the most important thing to remember is that true friends they want to see you succeed yes they want to see you be your best self even if it means adjusting their ways in which they spend time with you totally right like I just think that a true friend is somebody who is able to go oh I

see it from your perspective how can I help you with that goal how can I help you along the way not someone who's like oh I can't believe Beck wouldn't come like ew I don't want to be your friend totally that's not the type of friend behavior I accept no neither should you Beck Thank you so much. One totally relatable experience, and I think we can all relate to this, is when a friend suggests a restaurant or an outing that's out of your budget, but exactly as I was saying, due to FOMO, we'll end up going and we'll spend more than we're comfortable with and it's a spiral. It's really bad. But here are a few stats if you're interested. I would like you our stats girl today. I love it.

What have you got? Okay, so a finder survey of Australians from last year found that one in people, that's 22%, have gone into debt or spent more than they can afford because of the pressure to spend. That is equivalent to 4.3 million people. So you're saying in, I guess, a roundabout way. Yes. So we're not alone. Everybody does it. 4.3 million other people also get FOMO and also spend more than they should. Exactly. So it's not uncommon. Exactly. We're not alone. Also, more than a quarter of Aussies, that's 28%. That is more than a quarter. That is more than a quarter, have felt forced into splitting a restaurant bill evenly, even if they have ordered less food than others.

No, absolutely not. It's awkward when this happens. Absolutely not. No. It's very awkward. How do you deal with it when you go to a restaurant? How does that happen? Like, let's say we haven't been out for dinner together before.

We should go out for dinner. We should. I'll pay so we don't have to split the bill. But if we were going to split the bill, how do we do that? It does get a bit awkward because I don't really drink, especially when I'm going out for dinner. That's going to be a really terrible dinner. Yeah.

Are you saying that I can't use that lubricant of social interaction? One out of ten. I mean, you can. Everyone around me can. But this is where it gets a bit awkward. For me, it depends who I'm going out with. Usually I'm going out with my nearest and dearest, so there's no pressure to do that at all.

I'm always just like, hey, I actually didn't buy 20 bottles of wine. I had an entree and you guys are boost. Exactly. So it ends up being super easy and we tend to just get one person to pay, get the receipt, pay what we bought. Yeah, that's stunning. But if it does come to that, God, it's all good. Sometimes I just pay it because I'm like,

I don't want to have a conversation about it. I just pay evenly, even if it's not fair. So do you reckon the advice would be, like, jump on it first and be like, oh, hey, we should grab the bill and work out what everyone owes. Yes. Is that a better way to do it? That's a really good way. Yeah, I feel like getting on it early and being, like, the instigator of it

and, like, you know, caring about everybody else, being like, oh, Bec, I'm just going to grab the bill so we can split it based on what everyone spent, yeah? All right, no worries. I'm just going to grab it. Do you have a pen? Totally. I think that's so less awkward than someone being like,

yep, so we'll just split it evenly, and you then go, no, probably not. As soon as you get to the restaurant, be like, hey, guys. Which is valid. I'm going to be this guy tonight. I'm not ordering blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then have that conversation as early as you can to make it less awkward. Yeah, I feel like on a money podcast, we arguably should be more aggressive and be like, oh, it's so not awkward.

Like, no, just bring it up. It's fine. But also, like, we are women who exist in the real world, And, like, I don't care how financially literate I am, I still get awkward having confronting conversations in social settings. Exactly. So sometimes it's nice to have a little tool in your toolkit to use instead of having to have that confronting conversation.

We're only human. Exactly. Like, I'm still going to apologise for things even though I know I'm not sorry, you know? Yes. Good thing you mentioned that, actually, because we are women. But I have a stat about men. Yes. Men have overspent substantially more than women to keep up with friends and family.

Did you want the figure? I obviously want the figure, but I'm pretty sure that's because they earn more than us. This is what I was thinking as well. They've got more disposable income. Yeah. And also, you know what they say, like guys take risks and all that kind of stuff. How much more do men spend than women? So an average figure, $1,560 versus $912.

Oh, that's significant. Yeah. It's like 600 bucks more than women. It's almost double. Makes sense when they earn much more than we do. Sure. And that does make sense. To earn more for the same job.

Yeah, that's true. So it kind of like evens itself out, I suppose. Move on before I go on a rant. And then lastly, yep, millennials are the most vulnerable to financial peer pressure with 69% having spent money because of social influence and 36% admitting they've gone beyond their financial limits to do so. No. Relatable.

See, this is where I want to pick people up and be like, we don't have to do it this way. Yes, exactly. But this brings me to the question, how would you manage a conversation with a friend if you were skint and they wanted to spend time with you? Skint. Skint. Skint. That's a new one.

Yeah. I feel like, as we've said before, open and honest is the key to success in every successful relationship, right? And that's where, I don't know, there's obviously so many good, like know your value, know your worth, all of these things where we say, you know, just set clear financial goals and be clear about articulating them to your friends. But again, then I think we need to balance it with the real world. And that doesn't mean you need to overspend, but having a few like tips and tricks in your

pocket so you know before you go out for the dinner maybe you go oh my gosh guys I'm gonna be coming from a friend's barbecue and I will have already eaten I'm probably just gonna get an entree just to clue you up on that I just feel really awful when I say things like this because I think in this day and age people expect more from me they're like no no you should be more aggressive about it I'm like yes but that doesn't convert to people actually using these tips and tricks. Like, Bec, you're not going to walk in and be like, oh, well, Victoria told me to be more confident when talking about my money goals, so therefore I am. Like, that doesn't happen. So, you know, me going, oh, well, Bec, actually, when it comes closer to the end of the night,

why don't you be the one that suggests that we get the bill and work out what each person owes? Because then instead of someone saying, oh, well, actually, let's just split the bill, you're on the front foot. And you can be like, oh, no, I actually just think this is more fair for everybody involved. And it's not really a conversation. It's you just putting down on the table, this is kind of how it's going to happen. Because like, if you have to have the awkward conversation, like let's say Sally down the road or Sally on the other side of the table is like, oh no, Bec, we'll just split it evenly. It's so much easier. You go, well, actually, Sally, that's not fair. Cause like, you know, one of us doesn't drink and this and that, the other.

Get lost, Sally. Get lost. But like, you're the one leading that conversation in a way, instead of having to like, put your hand up to Sally who said, let's just split it evenly. And you go, oh, it's a bit awkward. It's not fair. It's this. Like, I just think that leading can often be something that gives you automatic confidence, right? And then it's also about setting expectations up front. As we've said before, there's no such thing as a friend that doesn't want to see you succeed. And if somebody doesn't want to see you succeed, they're a really terrible friend and we should be eating them out anyway. That's true. Get out, Sally. Bye, Sally. Catch you, Sally. Oh my gosh,

with being so mean. What if there's someone in our community listening right now and their name is Sally and they're like the most wholesome, kind human being. And Sally's like, I would never do that to you. Sorry, Sally. We were putting dirt on your name. Yeah, but we used your name because we liked it. We do like it. It's a nice name. We do like it. But I think it's just about, you know, actually having a chat with your friend. I think I've said this before on the podcast, like reframe it. I'd be like, oh my gosh, we're in a cost of living crisis. All of my friends are struggling at the moment. How about we just grab a coffee instead of brunch and go for a walk and like kind of reframe it. You don't have to open up about like, oh, I don't actually

have any money in my account right now. Or, oh, I'm really trying to save for this. If you're not comfortable with that, but like reframe it and be like, oh my gosh, you're probably feeling the pressure as much as I am. How about we X, Y, Z, or why don't you come to my place and we'll make homemade pizzas. I actually have so much stuff in the fridge at the moment. Like reframe it in a way that makes you comfortable while still outlining the boundaries that you have. And then if your friend still goes, oh, but I really wanted to try this fancy restaurant. You can say, and I think that saying, oh, Beck, I can't afford that is very different to, oh, I haven't allocated money in my budget for that this month because I'm working towards something else. Like, do you

mind if we do something else? Because I really want to achieve that goal. It doesn't matter if you have clarity on that goal or not. Yeah. Like you're setting a boundary and articulating it clearly. I don't care if you don't know what you're saving for. It could just be my goal is I don't even care if you just want more cash in your account. Yeah. My goal is to be able to eat at the end of the pay cycle. Yeah, exactly. Like when there's too much month left for the money that you have, I think being able

to say, oh, Bec, actually, I've just got a lot of things that I'm, you know, working towards at the moment and that's not in my budget. Reframing your whole way of articulating money is really powerful because if you're saying, Bec, I can't afford it, that's you being like, oh, I can't afford something. no, no, no. Do you know what? We can all afford it at the cost of something else back. At the cost of eating at the end of the month, at the cost of going on that holiday that you've been planning, at the cost of buying your friend a birthday present. There's a cost involved. What it is, is going to depend on the circumstance you're in. But I think it's very powerful to turn around and

say, oh, actually we don't use the term, I can't afford it. We use the term like I haven't budgeted for that this month. Or, you know, it's not in the budget or, you know, I'm actually working towards something else. And any good friend will respect that and actually suggest something else that makes a lot more sense. True. Now, this actually does bring me to the next one. I was going to say, let's imagine the shoe is on the other foot and you want to hang out with someone who can't afford to maybe do whatever you want to do. There are so many free activities. What would you, yeah, how would you... Do you want to go for a walk, Bec? Do you want to go for a walk? We can go for a walk around the town. Actually, I have these really cool takeaway cups and I'm

really good at making an espresso martini. Do you want me to sneak one of those into the cup? Perfect. I'll bring it to the tan and everyone will think we're drinking real coffee, yeah? How good's that for a Friday afternoon? Does sound fun, actually. Oh, Bec, it's Saturday morning. I have so much bread in the freezer. How about we have a little picnic? I am going to make a little toast buffet. I'm going to bring a whole heap of different jams and spreads. I have an awesome flask. I'm going to put tea in there. What's your favourite tea? Oh, you want jasmine tea? Oh my gosh, we're going to have jasmine tea and toast in the park and I think that's going to be cute. Do you want to bring the blanket? That's cute, V. I love this.

Right, do you want to go? Do you have a speaker? Can you be in charge of the music? So cheap. Free, in fact. Free. Speaker is free once you've made for it. Could you please make sure it's charged, though? I don't want to get to the park and then have to play it off my phone. That would suck. Don't ruin it for everyone, Bec. Put your phone in a glass or a cup. Yeah, we've all been there. We've all been there. We've all been there. But like, there are so many things that you can do. And to be honest, I could reframe that and be like Beck and I couldn't afford to go out for breakfast so we ate cold toast in the park. Yeah, I know what you mean. That sounds terrible.

It does sound pretty terrible. But like why can't we embrace things and make them a little bit more fun? You don't necessarily have to, you know, have my frozen toast that I already had and have a fun time with it. Beck, we could swing past Coles and get some fresh croissants. Like you know how you can buy them in like a three or four pack real cheap? and why don't we get whatever, you know, fruit is on sale and like a little thing of jam. That could be really cute too. So like it doesn't necessarily mean that you spend money. Like I feel like I'm doing this all the time with my friends as well. Like I obviously get Marley

Spoon and I love Marley Spoon and I don't know how impressed they're going to be with me sharing this tip. But often when I get a Marley Spoon, I can look at the ingredients and say, oh, what would it take to scale this meal? Let's say it's like a curry with rice. I'll be like, all right, well, I already have some extra rice in the pantry. I could make more rice. All right. Well, this curry, I could add like an extra zucchini and extra carrot. We're good to go. Bec, do you want to come over for dinner? I'm having curry. You're going to be in. Yeah, definitely. I do it to Gabby all the time. But it's one of those things that like, why can't we just make the ketchup a little bit more wholesome? Come over to my house. Why don't we play a board game? I'm so

lame though. So I'm really happy with these things. I love a board game. Catan. We can play Catan together and my husband's at home and you need a minimum of three players to have a good game of Catan you can't just have the two of us so we do need him to come in and he's gonna play he's gonna play whether he likes it or not he's good at it though oh no it's really bad but it's one of those things that what can we do that doesn't cost any money and I mean it's coming into spring and summer now yes like it's so much easier to use outdoor spaces without freezing our butts off I love that thing. That's helpful. That is a great place to quickly absorb and go on a little break. I'll make you some toast. Thank you. Please. Okay, V, we are back and we're talking

about respecting your savings goals. And now I want to know what are some signs you're in a financially toxic friendship? Oh, can we call them like red flags to make it even more clickbait? Here are some red flags for your toxic relationship. Yeah, toxic. I feel like toxic is like a key word of 2020. It's the word of the year. All right. So here are five things I've written down that are red flags to identify potentially toxic friends.

First, their idea of having fun always invariably involves spending a lot of money. So when was the last time you hung out with a friend and didn't spend any money? What did that look like? How did that work? or do you have a budget and they just keep pushing beyond that? And then either embarrass you for not keeping up or not socialise with you because you're not willing to spend it and, like, no point catching up with Bec if she doesn't want to go

to that restaurant that I suggested. Bec never wants to catch up. She always says no. This is so anxiety-inducing. Toxic. It's toxic. All right, do you want to know the next red flag? Yes, please.

All right, so you're always paying for things or loaning them money. Oh, no. toxic. If a friend is consistently asking you for money, is that friendship really worth the cost? You're paying for a friend, Bec. Yeah, I see what you mean. I see what you mean. Like, yes, it is obviously very important to help friends and we are not talking about friends who need the help. Like, that's a very different thing. Totally. But it's very important to also take care of your own financial help. And although it might feel embarrassing to bring up, you're not being selfish, Bec. Like at the end of the day, that is not selfish at all. That friend is

obviously using you and taking advantage of you. And it's funny because I have lost friends over this. It's one of those things. I'm going to use you as an example. Okay. Because like you're one of my favorite humans and I'm so lucky to get to work with you. But oh my gosh, I could give you a stick and be like, Bec, I got you this stick. And you're like, oh my gosh, this is the best stick in the entire world. I would. Like this morning before recording, what did I gift you? Oh, you gifted McDonald's cookies. I gave you McDonald's cookies. My favourite. You are over the moon for that. Like you are so excited, right? I have lost friends recently because I just got over it. I got over being the one where if I go, hey, do you want to go out for brunch?

And then the bill comes and they kind of just look at me because like they know I'm a higher income earner than them. And like, it's okay because often I'm quite aware of that. I don't know how to tell you this, but like, I do a lot of research into money. I talk about money all the time and I know the privilege position I'm in. So if I'm at brunch and I'm in the financial position where I can go, oh, Bec, this is all me. I know that if I did that with you, Bec, you'd be like, oh my God, V, are you sure? Like, are you okay? That's so nice. Like, we'll have a whole conversation, you'll say thankful, you will genuinely be grateful for that interaction. And I go, I'm grateful that I could do that. I know that I've taken the financial pressure off.

It makes me feel good, right? And like, not everyone has to do that. Not everybody thrives on that, right? Like my love language is gift giving. So like that really leans into who I am and that's fine. But when somebody just fully expects it and it's kind of like, well, or they pick really expensive places and then don't offer to split the bill. And you're like, this ain't it. And if you're listening to this and you know that you're that friend, well, sorry, because that's why we don't catch up anymore because it was always me. And I just didn't like it. And I think that irrespective of who you are or where you are or what your financial circumstances are, no one likes to feel used. No one likes to feel like they're

being taken advantage of. And that generosity for me, I don't think ends. So like, I hope I'm always that person. Even back when I was uni, I would always want to take the pressure off my friends, even if I didn't have a lot. Like I've always been that person who's like, no, no, no, I've got the coffee. Like I want to do that. And that's okay. It was always the best financial decision for me, but that's another story. But I think once it becomes expected, you're kind of like, ew, no, absolutely not. And I think that's a red flag to someone who doesn't genuinely care about you or your circumstances, regardless of how much money you have. Totally. So you're either always paying for things or you're always loaning the money. Yeah. Red flag. Red flag. I did just

want to quickly say, I do do this with my best friend Liv. I literally always borrow money from her and she always pays for everything, but it's different. And that's what I wanted to say, because just in case she's listening, I love you. But it's one of those things where that might be part of the like relationship that you have and like she might go, oh, Bec, she always pays me back. It's all good. It's all good.

It all comes out in the wash. It's one of those things that works for you in your relationship and that doesn't necessarily make it a toxic relationship. I think it's where you start to feel used. And you start to feel like that's maybe a very one-way relationship and that's not okay. All right. so another thing stabbing myself are you ready i'm so excited red flag they're excessively

generous interesting okay here we go especially after that rant all right so excessive generosity could potentially have hidden undertones to it oh why are they doing that what do they want make sense do i want something from you beck so generosity could be and can be divided into subcategories, Bec. So you've got unrelenting, begrudging, fluctuating, controlling, and beguiling generosity. So the last two are particularly intriguing because they are rooted in selfishness. Beguiling. Beguiling. Okay. Introducing big words into money. And we've rebranded. We're smarter now. Bigger words. That's how it works. Okay, gotcha. That's how it works. So your friend could be secretly wishing that you're paying them back. Sure. Like either in

money or favors or like I owe yous. Like, you know, that person where they're like, oh, but I bought you a coffee. So you owe me. Ew. If you're going to buy something for somebody, there should be absolutely no expectation that that is returned. So like you gave the example of your friend Liv before, right? You said at the end, it all comes out in the wash. Totally. And I'm assuming that means like sometimes you're like, I need to borrow some cash. And she's like, yeah, no worries. And then other times you're like, oh, I'll pick up dinner. I'll grab you a coffee. Like it all comes out in the wash. This is a relationship where it might not all come out in the wash or what they want to come out in the wash. It's got some ulterior motives and that's a bit ick. So you

can't help but feel that you owe that person who is always trying to foot the bill. It might make it harder to disagree with them, or you might end up just feeling more like a sidekick than a friend, which is ick. That is ick. And I think it's worth calling out, especially after I'm like, oh I love being generous like I think it's important to really understand if you're a generous person why and like I've had to do a lot of inner work even on myself to go well why am I like this because for a long period of time I'm like am I trying to buy their love am I trying to overcompensate for feeling like I don't have enough to offer no it's actually just I get a lot of joy out of that but I think you do need to look at yourself and go well why would that be the case

And what does that mean? And I think we've all had at some point a friend that wants that one up. Yes. I don't want a one up friend. No. Friends don't one up friends. Even with like stories, regardless of money. Like if you say, oh my gosh, I had the worst weekend.

And then your friend turns around and is like, oh my gosh, I had a worse weekend. Yeah. Terrible friend. Terrible. We don't want that. We don't want that. One out of ten. So that to me, red flag.

Yes. Okay. I agree. Were you confused about it at the start? Yeah. I was like, what is this? going to be. All right. This makes sense. Red flag number four. They judge your spending habits. Ick. I do not agree with that. So they will judge how much you spend on things that make you happy

actually doesn't concern anybody but you. Unless we're talking about gambling or any other addiction, in which case you're impacting a lot of people and you need to get help for that. That's a different story. But like Beck, if somebody wants to judge me for my two little oat lattes that I get every day, sit down. Someone wants to judge you for your five oat lattes, they're well within their rights because that's excessive, Bec. Sure. That's actually where we draw the line. Yeah, that's where we draw the line, right? But do you have a, I'd never spend that much money kind of friend who silently or maybe loudly judges your spending habits? They'll often do this in arguably a like passive aggressive way with the goal of making you feel like trash.

Like they want to make you feel guilty. They want to make you feel like you're less than them because they'd never do that. We don't like that. At the base of this judgmental behavior actually lies a really irrational urge to contrast one's own spending habits with somebody else's without seeing the whole picture in order for them to feel better about themselves. It has nothing to do with you, Beck. That's good to know. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own insecurities. Ah, they're the problem. They're the problem. They don't know that, though. I see. And you know what? That's unsatisfying. Better to cut the friendship than try and explain that. Sure. Because they'll probably try and cut the friendship if you did try to explain that.

but essentially we all have things that we prioritize our spending on and it's actually nobody else's business what we prioritize and if you choose to share that business with them they should respect it and feel really privileged that you felt like they were a safe enough person to talk about money with amen exactly all right last red flag are you ready they make fun of your income no that's not okay people do it though really yeah have you had someone laugh about the money that you make, it doesn't matter if it's too little or too much, but laughing at someone's livelihood is honestly just plain disrespectful and really flipping rude. I don't think I've experienced that to be honest. I'm so glad because I have, whether I earned a lot or a

little, it has happened numerous times. But if a joke comes up regularly between you, your friends might actually be using humour to escape the responsibility for being malicious. Like they're as being rude okay fruit flies right yeah and that is not acceptable and I find it interesting because it might not be them being like ha ha ha Beck you earn xyz like it's often not as blatant as that yeah like oh Beck can't come she can't afford that right that kind of stuff that's do you know what I mean yeah that makes sense I think it's interesting we can actually do everything. We just can't do everything at once. And how many times have we seen people who have lower incomes do these really cool things because it's in line with their values, whereas someone

with a higher income might go, oh my gosh, that is not worth my time. Like I know a lot of people who have really high incomes who are like, Europe, absolute waste of money. I'm absolutely not going to be traveling to Europe. Italy, what a waste of time. I can drink Aperol at home back. And then, when I was at university, couldn't afford to travel. When was I traveling then? It was in line with my goals and values, but those people might not have had those same values. It's literally just the fact that your values are different from theirs. And to me, this is a massive red flag that they don't respect your wishes and your values and what you respect. Because Bec, I don't care what you earn. Well, I do because I pay you and I want to make sure

that that's fair. But I also don't care what you spend. Personally, what I care about is that you have every single tool and resource at your disposal to make the right decision for you. I care a lot when you make a financial decision because you didn't know any better. I see it as my responsibility to be like, oh, Bec, like that decision, I don't care that you've made it. It's not a good or a bad decision. It doesn't actually matter. But did you know A, B, C and D exist?

And you could be like, far out. No, I didn't. I didn't know I could do that. Or I didn't know that an emergency fund could make me feel so much more, you know, financially secure even if it's only a little amount of money like that's why she's all the money exists right because it's got nothing to do with judgment I don't give a flip what you spend your money on and do you know what I don't even care how you earn it as long as it's legal and consenting like that's all important but I think if you choose to do anything and you're making that money go get

that bank sis go get that bank go get that bank I don't care how you make it I don't care what you make all I care is that you are happy full stop end of story and this is why I really appreciate V. Oh, thanks. It's because I bought you Macca's cookies. It's because you bought me Macca's cookies. That's the main thing. I knew it. So I guess lastly, what should people do if they're listening to this and it does resonate? Oh, sorry that your friends are weak. Sorry. Sorry. We can be your new friends. We can actually. I think the first step you should take is to reach out to us and we will be your friends. Yeah, exactly. 10 out of 10. I think setting boundaries is really important. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to cancel the friendship. I am quite

dramatic. So when I said that, I wasn't like, oh, just immediately cancel. But I think just setting some boundaries, maybe taking a step back from that friendship or even just being more critical when you're in those circumstances to be like, oh, what does this actually mean? Know that it's not you. Like it's always a reflection of their insecurities. It's never actually a reflection of how they feel about you because any person that sees some other human being doing something that they don't agree with, they have no idea what the flip side looks like. So it's not actually their place to judge and it's absolutely them reflecting their own insecurities onto you. Totally. So know that it's not you. But yeah, I think just taking a step back

from that friendship for a hot minute, but also if it's something that you think that they're not privy to, ask them to respect your boundaries. Ask them to respect you. Call them out for their crappy jokes. If someone's making fun of you, be like, I hope you don't actually think that's funny yeah because it's not it's rude and it's mean and it's hurtful and the amount of times you've said it it makes me think that it's not a joke you're just being malicious yeah my favorite question ever this actually works really well on mediocre middle-aged white men when they say something and you go oh pretend you don't understand it even if you do what do you mean by that yes like at conferences when people would arguably have had too many drinks and they say

something that's rather inappropriate you'd be like play dumb oh beck what did you mean by that because then they have to explain their terrible comment because you didn't get it did you yes it's not because you're dumb you want them to dig their own grave and if they're smart they'll be like oh nothing ha ha and then they'll walk off true but if they double down oh they have to repeat it and explain it and go into detail deep dive into what they said that's a great idea deadpan you look at them and go oh beck did you mean to be helpful or hurtful with that oh my god perfect what did you mean and then they have to be like oh because like they sure as hell weren't being helpful yes they weren't being helpful one or the other that's

funny were you being helpful or hurtful with that one and then they have to go oh no it's just a joke i'll be like oh sorry i didn't think it was a joke oh sorry so sorry i just was a bit confused about your intentions there god she's good helpful or hurtful yeah and oh what do you mean by that like they're my two favorite things just arguably make people uncomfortable with their own words i hope people are taking note because if this happens to you any of these five toxic traits if you ever experience it in real life use that i'd say i think it's very funny because it's also like not that confrontational you get to pretend to be dumb yeah it's very pretend to be so silly Like, you don't have to be like, oh, hey, Bec, that comment's really mean.

And then they get to be like, oh, well, I don't think it's mean. No, no, no. Ask them their intention. Totally. Don't give them a chance to be defensive. No, no chance. You explain yourself. Don't be friends with people who have studied psychology.

They're psychopaths, Bec. Oh, true. I love that. Yeah, I know. Now that is a good place to leave it. That's a perfect place to leave it. All right. We have loved hanging out with you this Wednesday.

Obviously, we'll see you on Friday for a little Friday wrap episode. But till then, have a beautiful week. We love you. Bye, guys. the advice shared on she's on the money is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances she's on the money exists purely for educational purposes and should not be relied upon to make an investment or financial decision if you do choose to buy a financial product read the pds tmd and obtain appropriate financial advice tailored towards

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